Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Drunk Bunny, Or, Why I Hate Dark Beer

So I am here at work. In flip flops. I am retarded. When I go home at lunch to walk Sammy (yes, he is totally spoiled), I put on my flip flops. Well, inevitably, I have forgotten to put my work shoes back on before heading back to work. Nice.

Luckily, I work in a field where the dress code is pretty relaxed. And as a librarian, no one expects me to be a fashionplate, anyway. Which explains my outfit today: a mesh polo shirt with a black ruffled skirt. This outfit is dumb. Who would ever put that together? *sigh* But I didn't feel like ironing anything today and the black ruffled skirt was calling my name. Now I've paired it with flip flops. Sheesh. Could I look any stupider?

The good thing is, since I don't put any effort into what I wear to work, I can put it all into my going out/party clothes. Much more fun. People usually tell me they don't recognize me when they see me in different environments. I am like a Day-to-Night Barbie. My two looks couldn't be more opposite.

Ok, tangent over. It's storytime, kids! I was over at Anne's and she had a rather embarrassing moment earlier this month. I am telling this story to make her feel better. It's a doozy.

Setting: Halloween, 1997, Bloomington, Indiana. My freshman year @ IU.

My girlfriends and I are going party hopping for Halloween. So we are in costume. I am a bunny. I'm wearing jeans, a fuzzy white sweater, bunny ears and a bunny tail pinned to my butt. One of my cuter costumes if I do say so myself. I kept making jokes about how I was party "hopping". Har har.

The key bit of information you need to know is that my boyfriend at the time had been getting on my nerves. We had been arguing. (Looking back on it now, I wasn't being very understanding of his situation. Huh. Go figure. This is typical VB behavior.) And I could tell we were going to break up soon. So what did I do? Like many people, I decided I needed to "escape" for a few hours. (Read: get plastered).

So I am at this house party, down in the basement. Because that's where the keg is. The keg of dark beer. I'd been chugging it. As in, getting back in line when I'm halfway done with the first cup. Chugging the rest right as I'm up for a refill.

Think about that for a second. Grossed out yet? Yeah, me too.

I'm feeling pretty good. Buzzing is really not strong enough of a term to use. I'm to the point that I'm almost having an out-of-body experience. I can't even talk anymore. The only thing I can do is keep getting back in line. Although, I am slowing down a bit. So I take a seat on the couch next to my friend Jill. By now, I'm somewhere in the vicinity of Michelob Dark Solo cupful #8. I left my dorm room about an hour previously. I was on a mission to get as much alcohol into my body as fast as possible. I was having a beer drinking contest, all by myself. I turn to Jill, who is in the middle of a conversation with someone else.

"Jill..." I say.

"Yeah?" she says.

"I'm gonna barf."

Now, keep in mind that there are about 100 people here, and I know a grand total of 2 party guests. And Jill has about 5 seconds to get me upstairs and outside so I can barf in the bushes. She is pushing me up the stairs (smart girl, getting behind me!). At the top of the stairs, there is a door to the kitchen. I fling it open, which causes the 50 or so people in the kitchen to all turn at once, only to watch me pojectile vomit all over the place. Jill pushed me outside onto the porch where I continued barfing for about an hour. Soon my crush showed up to watch and ask Jill if she needed any help. Faaaaaabulous. I was so trashed, I couldn't even say hi.

Finally someone took me home (to this day I don't remember who it was). I woke up the next morning in my dorm room with someone else's shirt on me. I vaguely remember Jill helping me change out of my formerly beautiful fuzzy white sweater and into something she raided from a closet. The sweater was ruined. My shoes had barf all over them. I had a hangover for 48 hours.

And that's why I hate dark beer.

9 comments:

Miss Fire said...

To make you feel better, perhaps I shall post my "Why I should hate vodka and white wine" stories (yes, stories). Hmmm, let me think on that......

shell said...

oh, vb. i can totally relate to you on SO many levels. i, too, have had my fair share of drinking stories, and many of them (or most, actually) did not end so well for me at all. i never did get a certain type of drink out of my head, and i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, but i did just celebrate 9 months of sobriety and know that's definitly a good thing for me. but at least you had jill. everyone deserves a great friend like that.

Anne said...

Oh my VB...that story does make mine pale in comparison! You are such a good friend to make me feel better like that!

And that story seems like something that I would totally do.

And I hate dark beer too..its just freaking nasty!

charming, but single said...

I love dark beer, but I would never ever in a million years drink 8 cups of it in an hour. Ever.

So, you enjoyed the bunny costume? Because the year I was a bunny, people just kept grabbing my ass and ripping my tail off ...

Matilda Jane said...

Ah... freshman year stories!
Mine involves screwdrivers, making out (like... with the entire party), and then barfing! I made it to the bathroom, though... or at least that's what the guy that took me to my room told me.... after telling everyone that we 'did it'! Lol although I was a virgin at the time and we totally didn't.

To this day, I don't even like orange juice...

Gypsy said...

Holy hell, do I know how that feels or what. I yacked up two bottles of champagne and some tequila shots because I thought smoking a joint and a cigar on top of those other intoxicants was a pretty good idea. So, I barfed all over the porch at this New Year's Eve party, and all over my pretty sparkly dress, in front of like 20 people.

Niiiiice.

Virginia Belle said...

miss fire-- tell! tell!

shell-- congratulations! yeah, it was nights like that which convinced me to just stop drinking altogether. seriously, this story was mild in comparison...

anne--that's nothing. i should tell you about the time i was at theta chi!

charming-- yeah, just thinking about it makes me shudder. the costume was received well. my butt got whacked a lot. :)

MJ--oooh. that's bad.....we'll have to trade tales.

gypsy--i am amazed that i can't say i did the same thing! that is totally somethign i would do. i always think i can get away with adding one more to the mix, only to discover 5 mins later that it was a VERY bad idea.

Sam said...

I have Day-To-Night Barbie in my attic. She rocks.

NML said...

I'm not very good with beer at all although I can drink it better in the US as you guys drink light beer. I have had a lot of nights like the one you described though!