I keep trying to think of posts to write. I want to change the subject, but when I try, I can't seem to "get into" the post. I'm just not in any mood other than pissed off/depressed. So I save these "nice" posts to finish on another day. (I will post them, promise!) I write another post, trying to go with the flow and get some stuff off my chest-- hinting around at what is wrong without getting too long-winded. This time, no matter how much I try, the anger still comes out. Or my post gets really personal. Too personal to ever be put on a blog. I don't write this blog so I can bash people semi-publicly. Well, not people I care about. :)
Speaking of which, I wonder if he is reading right now....if he is, he's probably not very happy about what I'm writing.
I would really like to stop feeling like this. I'm trying. I am tired of thinking about it and talking about it. I just want it to be over so I can move on, for better or worse. I have been trying to distract myself and do fun things: I have been watching Austin Powers (which always cracks me up!). I have tried exercise and cigarettes. I have tried junk food. I have tried shopping. I have tried chocolate and playing with Sammy. I have gone out (actually, this helped a lot...I'm glad it's Friday so I can go out again!) and had fun with K running errands. I have tried Vicodin (which was a bad idea...but not bad enough from keeping from trying again...)
I am listening to a lot of angry music and singing along-- badly. I should write a letter to Kelly Clarkson. It would go like this:
I just wanted to thank you for writing all of your songs. They are extremely therapeutic for me right now. I think I am dating your ex. Please forgive me for singing them so badly. I can assure you I am not butchering them in public.
I have talked to several friends and I've emailed so many readers, but I am still angry. I daydream about doing and saying really mean things. Things I know I would regret later. So before tomorrow afternoon, when it's Showtime, I need to calm down so that I can have a normal, adult conversation. No personal attacks, no accusations. No jumping to conclusions. I will try my best to give the benefit of the doubt. Lots of listening and deep breaths....
And now, I'm moving into the next stage: my anger is slowly melting away into depression. (Not I-need-some-prozac depression, but just extremely bummed out, I guess.) I'm crying. I have insomnia. I don't want to eat. Or get out of bed. (Ok, I never want to get out of bed....but lately it's worse than usual.)
I have tried to be grateful for what I do have. To remember that it could be worse. I saw a girl yesterday when I took my car in for a tire rotation. She is about my age, I guess. She has one leg. Not even a nub--the whole dang thing is gone. And she was in a great mood. She was patient and understanding and nice to the mechanic. This made me feel like a complete asshole. Here I am, whining and sobbing all week about my love life. Gah, get over yourself, VB!
I am so grateful for my readers right now. Those of you (and you know who you are!) who have emailed me, listened to me and given me advice. You are awesome. I love you guys!!! I am really flabbergasted that any of you care enough to take the time to even read what I sent, let alone reply. (Although, now that I think about it, I would have done the same thing if I were you...I guess we all get involved in each others' lives to an extent. So yeah, this is an invitation for me to return the favor one day.)
I am thinking of doing something for y'all for putting up with all my crap. What can I do??? Take requests for post topics? Answer personal questions? Flash my boobs? (I know Detox would vote in favor of that idea...)
Maybe it will just take time. Maybe I have to post a few more angry posts. Maybe things will be better this weekend. Until then, I'm sorry, but you might have to bear with me.