Friday, July 07, 2006

Trying

I keep trying to think of posts to write. I want to change the subject, but when I try, I can't seem to "get into" the post. I'm just not in any mood other than pissed off/depressed. So I save these "nice" posts to finish on another day. (I will post them, promise!) I write another post, trying to go with the flow and get some stuff off my chest-- hinting around at what is wrong without getting too long-winded. This time, no matter how much I try, the anger still comes out. Or my post gets really personal. Too personal to ever be put on a blog. I don't write this blog so I can bash people semi-publicly. Well, not people I care about. :)

Speaking of which, I wonder if he is reading right now....if he is, he's probably not very happy about what I'm writing.

I would really like to stop feeling like this. I'm trying. I am tired of thinking about it and talking about it. I just want it to be over so I can move on, for better or worse. I have been trying to distract myself and do fun things: I have been watching Austin Powers (which always cracks me up!). I have tried exercise and cigarettes. I have tried junk food. I have tried shopping. I have tried chocolate and playing with Sammy. I have gone out (actually, this helped a lot...I'm glad it's Friday so I can go out again!) and had fun with K running errands. I have tried Vicodin (which was a bad idea...but not bad enough from keeping from trying again...)

I am listening to a lot of angry music and singing along-- badly. I should write a letter to Kelly Clarkson. It would go like this:

Dear Kelly,

I just wanted to thank you for writing all of your songs. They are extremely therapeutic for me right now. I think I am dating your ex. Please forgive me for singing them so badly. I can assure you I am not butchering them in public.

Thanks,
VB


I have talked to several friends and I've emailed so many readers, but I am still angry. I daydream about doing and saying really mean things. Things I know I would regret later. So before tomorrow afternoon, when it's Showtime, I need to calm down so that I can have a normal, adult conversation. No personal attacks, no accusations. No jumping to conclusions. I will try my best to give the benefit of the doubt. Lots of listening and deep breaths....

And now, I'm moving into the next stage: my anger is slowly melting away into depression. (Not I-need-some-prozac depression, but just extremely bummed out, I guess.) I'm crying. I have insomnia. I don't want to eat. Or get out of bed. (Ok, I never want to get out of bed....but lately it's worse than usual.)

I have tried to be grateful for what I do have. To remember that it could be worse. I saw a girl yesterday when I took my car in for a tire rotation. She is about my age, I guess. She has one leg. Not even a nub--the whole dang thing is gone. And she was in a great mood. She was patient and understanding and nice to the mechanic. This made me feel like a complete asshole. Here I am, whining and sobbing all week about my love life. Gah, get over yourself, VB!

I am so grateful for my readers right now. Those of you (and you know who you are!) who have emailed me, listened to me and given me advice. You are awesome. I love you guys!!! I am really flabbergasted that any of you care enough to take the time to even read what I sent, let alone reply. (Although, now that I think about it, I would have done the same thing if I were you...I guess we all get involved in each others' lives to an extent. So yeah, this is an invitation for me to return the favor one day.)

I am thinking of doing something for y'all for putting up with all my crap. What can I do??? Take requests for post topics? Answer personal questions? Flash my boobs? (I know Detox would vote in favor of that idea...)


Maybe it will just take time. Maybe I have to post a few more angry posts. Maybe things will be better this weekend. Until then, I'm sorry, but you might have to bear with me.

18 comments:

Original Me said...

Hang in there VB! These posts are still good, honest, and read-worthy and I hope that your turnaround - for yourself - is right around the weekend corner. Until then eat the chocolate, charge the credit card, play with Sammy, puff away - whatever it takes.

Gypsy said...

Many moons ago, L and I broke up. It was devastating. We'd been together for about 5 years at the time, and we were stuck. Together we were still kids. Apart we were allowed to grow up. But it was the most painful time of my life. Painful, but ultimately for the best for our relationship and ourselves.

During that time I just concentrated on myself. I tried to fill my days with the things I love. I called my mom and cried when I needed to; I watched Bridget Jones' Diary far too many times; I listened to a lot of weepy, woe-is-me music; I spent far too much money on retail items and beauty products; I wrote a lot about how I was feeling. But it all helped.

All you can do is keep trying. Be good to yourself, do the things you need to do at the time you need to do them, indulge your whims but stay healthy.

Jonathan said...

I agree with original me, you are being honest about how you are feeling. It is good to let things out whether in an email, a blog post or whatever you choose. Sounds like tomorrow may not be a good day. Hang in there and be true to yourself.

Matilda Jane said...

Hey Girl!
If all else fails, we can get together and do something like
this!

I have a grill if you have something flammable! Don't worry, I'll keep it a secret :-) Believe me, it feels good.

PS - I do hope we get to meet up for drinks tonight!

Mitesh said...

I've feel like I've been woefully absent from this conversation. But I still wanted to wish you well. I'm not really the type to discourage your reckless and destructive side. I hope you get it out of your system. Have fun!

Lori said...

Sorry you are feeling so down! I hope it works it self out. I don't know if you broke up, or just going through a rough patch, I can't tell by your writting. I totally understand your need for privacy though.
Chin- up, and take as much time as you need,I for one don't care if you write 100 angry posts, as long as you feel better in the end!

Red said...

I sure hope you get to feeling better. Love-woes suck worse than any other. I have to admit I've had a few off and on lately myself. I'm pretty sure it's due to pregnancy paranoia though. Do all the ranting and screaming and crying you feel like doing until it all starts to heal!!

jennster said...

BOOBS. definitely the boobs. LOL

CharlestonGuy said...

As per our convo. last night - sounds like it's time for you to dust off your single shoes. I'm still not over his getting into a fight at the Carolina Cup. What an overgrown-wanna-be-frat-boy reject. Now he's not treating you right, doing nice things for you OR bossing up in the bedroom?

Do yourself a favor and look at this walking turd objectively from someone else's eyes. It's hard when you have spent time with someone to forget the things you like about him - but you have to think about what life will be like with them in 5 years, etc, if you want to stay with them.

So...you have to ask yourself: 5 years from now do you still want to be dating a guy who does not make effort to satisfy you sexually, does not do sweet little things for you, takes you completely for granted, and acts like a frat boy when he drinks?

Don't make me drive up there for an intervention...

DetoxSmurf said...

BOOBS... but only because Jennster is making me say that. :)

Life sucks, you and i both know that. It's times like this when you find out who your true friends are.

Anne said...

I vote for the boobs!

Im sorry about your drama..really sorry. The phase that you are in seriously freaking blows. I hope the conversation goes well..well..I hope it goes however you want it to go.

If you need to vent email me..I love to give unsolicited advice.

*hug* Too bad Im not closer..I could totally go for a night of chocolate and junk food and ice cream while watching bad movies.

Vixen said...

Good luck hon---I know you can do whatever needs to be done. Don't balk.

M said...

a friend once told me men are like busses...you get off one and 10 minutes later another one comes along...

don't worry about him reading your blog. stop worrying about his feelings and start worrying about your own feelings.

teahouse said...

Hey, hang in there!! Things will get better soon, I promise.

Miss Fire said...

You post as many angry/sad posts you need to - we'll keep reading the blog! Lord knows I do all my venting on mine.....

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. But like everyone says, things will look up. It sounds like you have great friends at your disposal.

charming, but single said...

Showing your boobs won't solve anything ... but I bet your hits would SKYROCKET!

Feel better!

NML said...

I agree with Charming. That would be a very brave move though! Feel better soon :-)

Becky said...

aww totally bearing with you. we all can relate. thats for sure. and if you need to keep emailing me, go right ahead. i'm here with listening ears!