Monday, February 12, 2007

The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Al Capone ain't got shit to do with this one, honey.

I'm talking about the other VD.

Venereal disease? Or Valentine's Day?

Is there a difference?

Both are humiliating. Both are painful. Both make you feel judged and labeled. Not to mention angry.

I am pretty sure the grand tally now is 5. Five girls I know, including myself, who are currently pissed at men in general. We have been dumped, lied to, lied about, hurt, freaked out, stood up, toyed with, frustrated, cheated on, insulted, used, rejected and had our hearts squashed liked bugs. We have been crying, drinking, smoking, bitching, pill popping, screaming, breaking things and doing a lot of running on treadmills. Every day, it seems, we add to our ranks of Very Angry Women. It is spreading like wildfire and we are sick of it. We are serious. Be afraid. This is a warning. Some of us are good shots. And some of us have access to guns.

We've had enough. We're just going to start killing you now.

Look, men, I'm sure you're all nice guys. Well, most of you. But right now, we are seriously considering hunting you down like scared little bunnies, shooting you dead and skinning your hides. Then we will tack them up to our walls as trophies, complete with a sign saying "My Ex, 2/14/07" or "This is what happens to cheaters." At least, that's what I'm going to do. If I go to jail, at least I'll leave the world a better place.

Don't give me that "oh, look at the bitter single woman!" bullshit. I don't want any comments talking about what I've done to bring this upon myself or how I need to stop being angry/jaded/bitter. Please don't tell me "oh, you'll find a good one soon" or any other corny optimistic bullshit. Keep the "this is why you're single" crap to yourself. Because I hope I'm single for a loooooooong time at this point. And don't you DARE say that I'm being too emotional. I'm not taking any responsibility for any of this crap, and neither are my friends because ALL the responsibility lies with the MEN who pulled this crap on us. In every situation, the guy was responsible 100%. So you can shove your "stop being a victim" comments.

And while I'm at it, men, WTF is up with your entire gender these past two weeks? Because y'all have some serious explaining to do. I think you're all walking backwards on your hands. Looks like your Dickhead Conference was a success. Good job. And y'all wonder why you can't get laid whenever you want...oh, and we just looooooove the timing, btw. Gee, really slick--right before Valentine's Day. What, did you think we wouldn't make the connection? What, you think there won't be 8.17 million women who won't join us? Because they will. They hate Valentine's Day Assholes just as much as we do.

If you are truly a nice guy who hasn't pulled any Asshole Moves lately, then I thank you for being normal, human and kind. I'm sure your girlfriend/wife/S.O./female friend appreciates you very much. Which is good, because you'll need her protection when we come to kill you. If you are a single guy and you can honestly say that you have been a total sweetheart to every woman you know for the past two weeks, we will consider sparing your life. It is, of course, decided on a case-by-case basis. And we'll need testimony from at least 2 ex-girlfriends that you are worthy of living. In writing. Certified by a public notary. By tomorrow.

And to all you happy little couples out there: I'm sure it's great that you're all happy and smiley from feeling loved and appreciated, but can you do the rest of us a favor and knock it off with the PDA this week? Because on Wednesday, you might get a real, actual spitball right on the side of your head. I, myself, will be tripping you as you walk, hand-in-hand down the street. You want to celebrate love? Stay home and have a bonkfest. Leave us angry, single women to our cigarettes, bitching and alcohol. That's right--we claim all drinking establishments. Y'all can have the romantic restaurants, flowers, peni, chocolate and cards. Fair enough?

If you are reading this and thinking, "I'm dating someone, but I hate Valentine's Day, too!", zip it. I don't want to hear from you. Right now, I'm only interested in talking to other single, angry women. Preferably the ones who hate men just as much as I do right now. So unless you'd like to give me some extra bullets you've got laying around, and you're willing to help us kill them, then you have no idea what we are going through right now. You can be my friend on Thursday.

Until then, look for my mug shot in the papers.

Whew. I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent and daydream for a minute.

Gosh, it's a good thing I'm not armed, isn't it? How much do guns cost?


Lisa said...

"THis is what happens to cheaters"... I laughed out loud.

Is that you in that pic? You are georgous, woman!

Anonymous said...

I have two solutions for all the pissed off ladies out there "The Rules" and "Why men love bitches" they really do make vcalentines day so much more fun :)

tallglassofvino said...

two comments: my ex-h proposed to me on V-Day (how much cornier can you GET?) and... he married his second wife on V-Day (THAT'S how much cornier you can get).

He is now re-divorced. To my knowledge. But come Wednesday? Who knows.

and he KNOWS I have sniper capabilities (hence the mugshot)

teahouse said...

Yeah, I was gonna that a photo of you? Cuz if so, you are a serious hottie!!


Virginia Belle said...

ok, just to set the record straight-- that is not me. i love red hair, but i'm a blonde.

TGOV-- oh. my. gawd. no he didn't. *rolls eyes* how cliche!

anonymous-- ooh, i need to read that "why men love bitches" book!!

Petra said...

I can vouch for the "why men love bitches" book - I own it. I hate v-day, not just because I'm single and all the men I'm interested suck/not interested in me/same difference.
Mostly b/c it's a fake day that has nothing to do with the original St. valentine. A fake day where the annoying women at work can display their "treats" from their sign. others - they probably told specifically what to buy. Why is there not a special day for singles - for smart, fabulous single women?
I've always wanted to learn how to use a crossbow - maybe now's the time to learn, then I can join you - my wall has some free trophy-space :)
I must be dyslexic or something b/c I always have to do the word verification 2-3 times before I get it right.

mysterygirl! said...

This is truly hilarious. I love it.

lenfercestlesautres said...

~petra: I really suck at the word verification thing, too.

~VB: You're great when you vent!

Oh, and if you didn't keep on reminding me, I wouldn't even know it's Valentine day tomorrow.

Stuck said...

Good lord... do I comment? Do I let it lie? Do I walk away slowly and hope she doesn't notice? Too late, I've already started commenting. Damn me!

VB, the thought of you holding a gun is laughable. I'm not saying you haven't, or even that you're a bad shot, but you're just not a shooter. Inside, you're a softie who would probably be unable to pull the trigger when it came down to it.

It's good to vent. It's healthy. But don't blame. Don't point fingers. The whole problem with this country is that no one accepts any responsibility. The problem with these jerks who fuck you over is that they don't believe it's their fault. It's a vicious cycle, and it's time for you to rise above it.

So here.... *hug*

Consider yourself loved. In a platonic, let's-not-get-naked kind of way. Let's get coffee this weekend.

Matilda Jane said...

To All~
actually, VB looks much more like her little 'duh' picture than the redhead that looks seriously uncomfortable holding a gun. She is hot.

I love the display of anger! It seems these days that many people are scared to show anger anymore. Maybe it's just who I hang out with...

Looking forward to anti-manentine's day tomorrow... red velvet cake and burning things!!!

RWA said...

All this talk about guns, crossbows and killing people is a bit disturbing.

Just kidding.

Don't add me to the "hit list."


I'm begging you.

Virginia Belle said...

petra! welcome to the front lines! let me know when you run out of ammo.

mystery girl-- glad you like it! care to join me?

lenfer-- yeah, i had to just get all this off my chest. dealing w/some rage at the moment..

stuck-- dammit. stop calling me out. can i live my little fantasy for one minute? sheesh. thanks for the hug. and the laugh. i need both today.

MJ--this is nothing. you should have seen me a the gym last night. it was ugly. there isn't a song in existance that is angry enough for how i feel. i'm sure the elliptical machine thought i was trying to kill it. and i have already started brainstorming on stuff i want to break.

rwa-- that all depends. have you been nice to all the little girls?

Behind The Curve On Love said...

OMG! I'm so joining you in being angry. Why are boys SO RETARDED!?!?! I hate them and what they do (rather not do.) Seriously, I've shot a gun before. I just have to practice my aim a bit more... :o)

Stuck said...

"there isn't a song in existance that is angry enough for how i feel"

I have a CD for you. You'll love it.

Becky said...

LOL you are crazy girl. crazy. i'll make sure me and matt stay clear of you tomorrow!

M said...

Um. Happy Valentine's Day?

I agree that men love bitches that is why I am always super sweet to men. They leave me alone.

I have a positive attitude about men in general,mostly because I rarely date and have never been in a "real" relationship. I am beyond bitter and cynical. I expect absolutely nothing from men.

Single guy blogging said...

Sorry VB, it's the only time of the year in dating that single men actually have an upper hand in the entire year. Too bad some of them abuse it. No consoling here, you'll have "hand" again tomorrow. I'll just try to stay out of the shooting range! :)

mysmileisfake said...

Happy Valentine's Day, VB ~

Andy said...

PMS'ing eh?

Petra said...

If you are still looking for angry songs...I recommend the self-titled CD from Three Days Grace. I don't listen to them often, mostly when I'm very angry/upset. More effective, the louder it is. My v-day loop/anthem "just like you" and "i hate everything about you". It's like they were written for v-day.

Lindsay said...

I call V-day, Singles Awareness day. I agree with you completly. How do I join??

The Dummy said...

I'm going to wear camouflage today.

tallglassofvino said...

re: song
I'll list it again, bc it's the PERFECT song for a man-hating V-Day celebration:
Liar by Henry Rollins

when it comes on my iPod, the music and the soothing tones really suck you in (natch!) and then - THEN - well, I wouldn't want to give it away! and makes its point PERFECTLY.

~Moi~ said...

thanks for this post. though Im not feeling this pissed at the moment there are definately times that I do feel that way - you definately said alot of what I think when I get this way. And I also thank you for saying it cause sometimes I tend to censor my posts and make it all nice an positive - so not to get the typical "oh look bitter single woman" or "playing the victim" or "oh you are depressing" type comments. But this post was great and Hillarious!!! Hope it helped alot to vent - your post definately helped me!

Anonymous said...

Well, if you ladies weren't just venting about wanting to kill assholes, I might be with you. As it is, some of us really have had enough of endless misogyny.

Personally, I'm considering the merits of various poisons... mass damage is so much more efficient.

FRIGGA said...

I should have read this the day you posted it.

Oh, and if you're wondering - I'm the lurker going through your archives ;)