Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thursday 13

Sorry, no cute little "Thursday 13" graphics for this one. I don't feel like fooling with it.

Oh, shut up. You'll still like it. It's about my love life. I know my readers are obsessed with my love life. Or, at least, you seem to be...........ok, maybe it's all in my head. Crap, you liked the Southern posts, too, didn't you? Well, bite me. This is my blog, and I'm sick of Southern posts. Today, I feel like whining. (And yes, you can skip this if you don't feel like reading. No offense taken, trust me. Tomorrow morning, I will probably be mortified when I remember I've posted this.)

Thirteen Signs My Love Life is in Serious Trouble*

1. I am going to Virginia soon for The Czarina's annual party. She has invited a 40 year old guy to it, and she's going to try to fix us up. This is not bothering me as much as it should.

2. I have sex dreams. Lots of them. In fact, I haven't been having any other kind of dream lately. Even my subconscious is horny.

3. There is a little, nagging voice in the back of my head. It says, "Try Match again! Try eHarmony! Going on bad dates is better than no date at all!" "Yes, bad online dating stories are good for your blog, too!" says Stupidly Optimistic.

4. Now, when a divorcee tells me, "Trust me, being single is better than being divorced!", I think to myself, "Yes, but at least you got married. And had regular sex for a while. And you weren't alone for a while. Shit, you even got a wedding and a diamond. How is that worse??"

5. I no longer consider girls with boyfriends "single". They have boyfriends. Boyfriends become fiances and then husbands. These girls no longer have to look forward to evenings of..........Courtv. They no longer have to go EVERYWHERE alone. They have people who call them every night. They no longer understand me. They have gone to The Dark Side.

6. When I have extra time, I use hot rollers on my hair before going out. I consider this my "date hairdo", since it does take a lot of extra work. My friends used to say, "Hey, you look nice! Going on a date or something?" Now they say, "Wow. I've never seen your hair like that before."

7. I'm in one helluva vicious cycle: I think a big part of why I am single is because my self-confidence is crap, yet the longer I go without a date, the worse my self-confidence is. And I don't know how to make it stop.

8. The last man to feel me up? My gyno. A few months ago.

9. I was thinking, selling my eggs will at least ensure that my genetic code will be passed on........And being a surrogate mom is kinda like having your own kid.........

10. "Ooh! Maybe I'll meet a guy there!" is what I think whenever I go somewhere. Anywhere. The quickie mart. Or the public library. Or to my hairdresser's. Or the Clinique counter. Or to my mailbox.

11. I have spoken the following sentence, and was dead serious about it: "I think maybe I should look into moving to Richmond or Charlotte. There are more single men there, according to the U.S. Census."

12. I no longer want to travel anywhere. I have squashed the idea of starting to save up for a trip to Ireland, Moscow or South Africa. Sure, touring the world alone sounds like fun in theory, but when an angry Pygmy shoots a poisonous dart at your neck in the middle of the Belgian Congo, having an extra pair of hands around would be very convenient.

13. When friends say, "Hey, I know this guy....I'm pretty sure he's single. He's about 48. But I think he's missing an eye. Or does he wear dentures...? I can't remember. Anyway, would you like me to..." I interrupt: "YES! PLEASE! WHEN? Actually, you know what. Nevermind. You would only be wasting his time."

14. (Bonus) I can count the number of single girlfriends I have on one hand. Make that 2 fingers.

15 (Bonus Bonus) My dating status on myspace hasn't changed. Ever.

*sigh* I need help. You know those defibrillator things they use to shock people's hearts back to life when they've had a heart attack? I need one for my dating career. I think I've flatlined. And brain damage has started to set in.

*I would like to add, just for context's sake, that as I was typing this, I was consuming a horrifying amount of chocolate ice cream, complete with hot fudge sauce. I have now eaten so much, that I feel sick. Awesome. If there was an Olympic medal given out for the competitive sport of Pathetically Single, I think I could get at LEAST a bronze.


cmk said...

I NEVER get felt up as much as when I go for my annual GYN appointment and mammograms...and I'M married! :)

Phantom Hater said...

OK, Bridget Jones, I think you're over-reacting just a tetch.

Here are some of my recommendations...

Change your Myspace status to married or swinger. Change your profile to reflect your radical life change. At least you can say your status is no longer single. And it's what's in your head that matters, right, Delusional VB?

Post detailed blog entries about the sex dreams that have plagued you. For the love of God, no horses or gypsies.

Alaska has a very high male-to-female ratio as well. A lot of them are probably ex-cons, but that's no reason to exclude them. Go visit Alaska.

Do some volunteer work. Homeless shelters are full of single men.

Work at an elementary school. That way, you will encounter a lot of single females.

Most importantly, love yourself. Mold yourself into the most perfectly loveable you, and someone is bound to find that endearing. You don't need to fight the biological clock. You have at least a solid month or two before you are doomed to forever be a barren old maid. ;)

The Dummy said...

LOL, I love your Thursday 13s! Too funny on just how poor people are at judging who to set people up with. "You mean he's breathing? He'll be perfect for you!" Yeah, people are really that dumb.

btw, I *loved* your comments about the ringy-dingy-thingy. You should be here helping me find one she likes. Oh! And as for moving, you should definitely go to San Diego. Some people call it Man Diego, you know.

Coco said...

Are you sure you weren't channelling me with this post? Because pretty much every single one of those sounds exactly like me . . . except for 14,and the number would change to the big ZERO.

Things have GOT to get better . . . .right???

Tisha said...

I can absolutely and completely identify with several numbers on your "Thursday 13"!

#3 Ohmygosh! Other people keep going back to those sites too?!

#4 My girlfriends who claim to be "single" but are in a monogamous relationship with their boyfriend are sooooooo no "single" in my book.

#7 Ditto the vicious cycle.

#10 Okay, in the little local supermarket, browsing the produce, I saw this totally cute guy and of course thought..."Maybe I'll meet a guy here!" Yea right, until I impulsively look down at his left ring finger. Maybe not.

#14 I officially have a total of 2 single friends. And one is engaged to be married on 7/7/07.

coffeesnob said...

#10. or on your way to fridge for more ice-cream?

vital signs:
patient has lost litres of confidence, needs transfusion. humour is spiking off the chart. otherwise fine.

lenfercestlesautres said...

Hey, I have sex dreams too. As in, lots of.

MC said...

At least you aren't still living at home. I think that would give me an edge in the Pathetically Single Olympics.

Matilda Jane said...

Bwaaahahahaa! I haven't gotten past #10 yet as I imagine a little man in your mailbox....

Matilda Jane said...

Ok ok.... I think it's about time we took a trip to Manhattan where The Magician just happens to live...

Virginia Belle said...

cmk-- yeah, if only it turned me on. i could really use it, you know??? ugh. how sad. i'm wishing my doctor would tease me. ew. ok, this is getting weird, even for me. next comment....

PH -- gee, thanks. actually, as usual, your comments crack me up. you WISH i would post details of my sex dreams! don't hold your breath. you crack me up about changing it to swinger. i have thought about changing it to "gay" just to confuse people.

dummy-- ooh. MAN DIEGO. that sounds like paradise......glad i could help on the ring thing! good luck!!

coco -- *reaches out to hold your hand* thank god i'm not alone!!!!! we have to cling to each other for dear life, ok?

tisha-- yes, i too hope to meet a cutie while selecting tomatoes or bananas in the produce aisle. *sigh* that's what happens in movies!!!! also, see what i said to coco, above. it applies to you, too.

coffeesnob -- LOL -- good one. thanks for putting a smile on my face today.

len -- whew! ok, i am normal.

mc-- ok, i hate to say it, but you might get the Silver. :) hang in there.

MJ -- what, you don't have cuties hanging out at your mailbox, waiting to ask you out? huh. maybe it's just me. wait, did you say THE MAGICIAN?????????

omg. dont' tease me. at this point, that is just NOT COOL.

FRIGGA said...

Single me also believes in #10.

FRIGGA said...

Oh, and I wanted to comment on what Dummy said: "Oh! And as for moving, you should definitely go to San Diego. Some people call it Man Diego, you know."
THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! I lived there for the vast majority of my life and men in SD are mostly interested in the super trendy, wearing huge huge sunglasses, so thin the ocean breeze blows them over, too snobby. Even the cowboys are just urban cowboys who've never actually taken their suped-up lifted 4 WD truck off the pavement. That was a little long, but no, it's very unlikely you can find a real man in SD.
I need to move to the south.

Kraig said...

OK. VB. Heres the deal. You have low self confidence, so think about this.

How many people read this blog and love you for it, then come back regularly because you are sweet, entertaining, funny, adventurous and awesome.

Don't work on having confidence, work on pretending you do. Confidence attracts people, if you pretend, you will attract others. After a while, it changes from pretend to real, because no one is contradicting you when you say "I'm awesome", because its true.

As for the rest. I'd say stop looking so hard for just anything, if you're going to go out of your way for a guy to make him happy and feel good, he should do the same for you.

Just my 2 cents :p Now suck it up and get over to CN's place and get your air filter changed

RWA said...

Yes. I agree with the other comment that we need to hear more about these sex dreams.

And, chocolate ice cream? DELICIOUS.

Anny said...

first thing's first. put down the chocolate and slowly walk away!!!

Sam said...

Totally agree with DD, move to San Diego. Then we can go out and my wedding ring will attract MASS men and then you will have your pick. Oh, yes good idea! Go buy a cheap wedding band and wear it. Attract mad men that way. Nothing hotter than a taken cooter.

Babs said...

OK- I think we are living the same life. Except I have a bunch of single gf in the same predicament. Too funny! I always leave the house thinking I have to look good cause I might meet a man!

Gypsy said...

Does it make you feel any better to know that, though you are tragically single, you are also equally hilarious? ;)

Get back into online dating. At least it's something to do.

JP said...

I think we're clones of each other. Although it sucks, I'm glad to know I'm not the only single girl out there in a sea of marrieds. I'm counting on things to get better. I don't think I can take too many more family functions as a singledon.

Oh, and I thought I met a guy on the train (speaking of movie love stories) but so far, nothing. Guys are so confusing!

Hope you're having a great vacay!