Thursday, July 26, 2007

I Can't Take It Anymore!

Dear readers, I am apologizing in advance for this post. If you've ever wanted to skip one of my posts, this is the time to do so. This post is total crap. I have been bored stupid all day, I got no sleep last night and I have been reading blogs almost the whole day (not that your blog is boring!), and my brain is FULL of thoughts, post ideas and expansions on comments I've been sprinkling all over the blogosphere. It's causing me to have yet another Conversation with My Brain.

"Ooh! That post you just read brings up that time from your childhood when The Czarina..." says ADD. [She sounds a little like the Band Camp Girl from American Pie. Can you tell?]

"Yes, but--" interrupts The Responsible Blog Writer.

"Omigod! We should blog about this! Right now! Log in, quick!" says ADD, giddily.

"Stoppit! That's not enough for a whole post! Keep it to yourself for now. Let it marinate for a bit, and one day, you'll be able to write a whole post about it. Something timely, concise and well-constructed. Wait for it to happen naturally!" continues The Responsible Blog Writer.

[whining like a 4 year old] "But...I'll forgeeeeeeeeeeeet! We have to type it nooooooooow!" laments ADD. She stomps her feet in indignation.

"Your posts practically give people motion sickness, what with all your randomness. Can you focus the post this time? Or is it going to be another one of your 'organized' lists of total and sheer absurdity?" asks The Responsible Blog Writer, sneeringly.

"It will be good, I promise!!!!" exclaims ADD, her eyes growing large and pleading. She folds her hands together, almost as if praying.

"Ok, fine. You lucked out, because I'm exhausted today. I don't have the energy to argue with you." sighed The Responsible Blog Writer.

"Is that because you stayed up late, kissing that guy?" asks ADD.

"Yeah! And it was awesome!" blurts Horny.

"Shhhhh! Don't kiss and tell! You've got to stop doing that!" hisses Single Girl.

"But that's all the fun," says Pervert, with a confused expression on his face.

"Can I start now? Pleeeeaaaase?" begs ADD.

"Yes, please, before The Readers start asking you about this guy and more nosy questions about your underwear!" says Single Girl.

ADD's Random Thoughts of the Day

1. I need help with this, readers. I need your advice. I try and read all the blogs I can (if you have ever left a comment on my blog, you're on my list of blogs! I'm at about 100), but sometimes I am woefully behind. Sometimes, I get so behind, I'm too mortified to even come back and catch up. I don't want to be a slave to blog reading (I am a real person with a real life), but I also don't want to offend by taking more than I give. Or whatever. You know what I mean. I feel an absurd amount of guilt over this. Thoughts on this? Opinions? Tips for me? WHAT DO I DO???

2. Teahouse Blossom is engaged and is trying hard not to be a Bridezilla. [insert standing ovation here.] I have been thinking that it's weird how nowadays, people seem to put more effort and time into having the perfect wedding than they do making sure they're marrying the right spouse. Seems kind of silly, huh? I have an engaged couple in mind, actually, as I type this. They have no business getting married. It will be one of those weddings where people will secretly whisper jokes about taking bets for when the divorce will happen. (Ok, I know it's no laughing matter...) And their friends are powerless to do anything, for fear of ruining the friendship. Man, I hope I'm never a member of a couple like that.....

3. The Czarina thinks I am going to be wearing her wedding dress when (if?) I get married. Little does she know that I think her wedding photos look like a lace factory barfed all over her. Then, after the lace-barf dried and stuck to her skin, the Industrial-Strength Rubberband Ninja attacked her, clamping her at the neck and wrists, ensuring that the lace-barf will not only cover every inch of her body, but it will also cling to her all day. I can't tell her about the lace-barf, because it will break her heart. She thinks the dress is gorgeous. *gags*

4. Aside from eloping, my only solution to this problem is to try and gain lots of weight the second I'm engaged, thereby rendering the dress uselessly too small. Sweet! Except that I don't want to be Fat Bride VB. It's not like I can tape a sign on my ass as I walk down the aisle that reads: "I only gained all this weight so I wouldn't have to wear the lace-barf dress. I hope you understand. Please try and take all photos from a flattering angle. Thank you."

5. Of course, I could try and alter my grandmother's dress. It's a 1940s pale blue satin dress--MUCH more my style. The gigantic shoulder pads and long sleeves will have to go. And somehow, I will have to shrink 4 inches (The Czarina's mother was a short, bosomy German spark plug of a woman)....oh dear. Maybe I can add some sort of trim to the bottom? Or insert a panel in the waist, thereby making the skirt longer? Ugh. Why in Holy Hell am I even talking about this??

6. I have recently learned about Couch Surfing. If this doesn't show the kindness of strangers, I don't know what does. It's incredible to me, sometimes, how much we CAN still trust strangers.

7. What is my favorite thing about blogging? Reading other people's blogs. It is the box 'o chocolates of the Internet. You never know what people will write about! Today I read posts on dogfighting, snot, burying ashes of loved ones and arguments with neighbors. I even got a potato soup recipe. I love it! We are all out there, interpreting our worlds, sharing our experiences and exposing our humanity for all to see. *sigh*

[Apparently, Cynical has the day off. In her place is Idealistic, a part-time Voice who fills in from time to time. She keeps applying for a full time position, but the other Voices cannot stand her touchy-feeliness, and unanimously veto all plans to adopt her into their collective existence.]

8. Do you believe in the Law of Threes? It's that little adage which states that good things and bad things happen in sets of three. I'm starting to think I do. Then again, I'm kind of superstitious. In the last 24 hours, look at what has happened to me: I got an unexpected check in the mail (WOOT!!!), E said she is seriously considering moving in with me and Netflix announced that it's lowering my subscription rates. Ok, I know it's kind of weak, but funny how suddenly the Universe wants to see my bank account do a little better. Unfortunately, now I'm worried that three bad things will happen to me tomorrow....

9. This past weekend, MJ and I saw a foreign film. (Why are people always so surprised to learn that I like "artsy" and "foreign" films?? Jeez, am I that vanilla? I do like culture, people!) Anyway, it was a French film called Private Fears in Public Places. After the movie, we discussed our reactions to the movie and hypothesized about its meaning and message. I think it's about the problems which can result from hiding your true self to others. But I'm sure there are many other interpretations. The acting is very good, and it's set in Paris, so if you're interested in a thought-provoking movie....

There. I feel better now. Thank you for letting me ramble and go all over the place. *breathes sigh of relief.* All that stuff was just up in my brain, accumulating. Had to get it out.

What is wrong with me today? I am a crackhead. I am so sorry. I need sleep. Also, I have medicine head, thanks to my sinus infection.


JP said...

Wait-WHO did you KISSSSSS???

When Darkness Falls... said...

Great post! lol Here are a few thoughts:
1. No, it is not necessary to read all the blogs of those who read yours. Most of us write to get things out, not to see how many people will read it.
2. I know a couple we will be whispering about as they say their vows. The wedding is in a few weeks and I am not looking forward to it. I think they should have taken all the money they've spent on the wedding and used it for couples counseling so they might actually have a chance at a decent marriage.
3,4,5. I would like to see my daughter wear my wedding dress one day too. Although it is an 80's style that she absolutely hates lol I am hoping that she can alter it somehow to fit her tastes. Even if it is unrecognisable when she is finished, it would touch my heart for her to wear it.
6. OK that scares me!
7. Exactly! Seriously, lose the guilt!
8. I believe in the power of the mind!
9. Very, very good movie.
No wonder I haven't had time to write a post in a month lol my comments are too long!

The Dummy said...

Hey VB - I agree - it's tough to try to read everyone's blog. There are too many nice people we always want to keep up to date with! I think the best idea is to let it come to you... stop by and give the people who give you their time, your time - that is, if they take the time to drop by and comment, then they've earned it! There are far too many blog snobs who let others do all the coming and it's just too cumbersome being the nice person all the time!

By the way, thanks for the librarianly comment. :) You'll be pleased to know I did a nice librarianly thing too: after finishing my Harry Potter book (hurray!), I went to my library today and donated it. They were so happy! They said I just made some lucky kid's day. :)

RWA said...

That is pretty damn organized for rambling. Well done!

Thanks for getting caught up on my stuff. I hope it didn't bore you to death!

coffeesnob said...

#1. there are no reciprocal obligations.

#4. simply say "it's not my taste, i shall wear something else".

Phantom Hater said...

1. I really can't say much about this. My main contribution to the blog world is leaving commments laced with sexual innuendos and misogynistic undertones. If anything, reading blogs freaks me out a little because it reveals what people don't share about themselves in the real world.

As for the rest...
this was a funny post.

Man, your mom has you under her thumb. When the time comes (IF it ever comes, haha), just tell her it's your day and you'll wear what you want to wear. The whole planning a wedding without a groom thing is strange to me. Girls plan these things out to the most excruciating level of detail. To some extent, I understand why, but I still say it's an awful lot of money and time invested into one day, especially when people can't invest the same amount of effort into sustaining a marriage, which is the more important part of the whole deal.

As for superstitions, I haven't had them since I was a kid, although now I think it might have been some OCD thing (I had to check the closet three times before I went to bed to make sure there weren't any monsters in it, and if I didn't, they would pop up in there after I went to sleep).

I haven't seen an artsy sorta film in ages, with the possible exception of The Fountain. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that since I don't see all that many, I'd rather just watch a popcorn flick.

Well, I think my comment was just as long and rambling and ADD as your post, so I'm happy with it.

Smug said...

I liked your post! I have been reading blogs for a while and just this week started one of my own (don't feel like you have to add me to your read list). I, myself have been a little wedding crazy as of late, I have 57 days until the big day! I know what you mean about people putting more effort into the wedding than they put into the marriage and I will not turn into a Bridezilla - as long as I am Mrs. at the end of the day, everything else call fall apart!!

kimmykins13 said...

Ah - Weddings. I have to be in one in October. Fortunately the Bride has not gone Bridezilla on us but it is proving to be quite pricey thus far. The dresses she picked out for us are beautiful and were only $150 but... I went and had mine fitted a couple of weeks ago - After alterations, hem, dyed shoes, and its strapless so we had to get the wrap and a special bra - the grand total $398 and some change. **Whew** that put a dent in the pocketbook. I'm also responsible for throwing the bachelorette party with food/drinks and the wedding is up in the Mountains which means Hotel room etc. Fortunately the wedding party is getting a rental van so I won't have to drive or fly.

I've had some reservations about this marriage. I haven't voiced them though. All I can do is hope for the best that it will work out and stand up for her because she is my friend and has asked me to.

Anny said...

i'm not sure why u should feel guilty about not reading/commenting on stranger's blogs. i'm here to give ut eh permission to stoppit now!!! :)

Matilda Jane said...

Oh Oh! I know!!!
You should turn your mom's wedding dress into one of those tear-away stripper suits and at the reception... rip it off to reveal!!! PASTIES! WOO!

I can't wait until your wedding...

PS - you need to be more choosey with the blogs you read. You're allowed. It's ok.

Virginia Belle said...

WOW. people actually read this. i'm impressed and flattered.

and i LOVE that only JP asked the obvious question. tee hee.

i really appreciate everyone's reassuring comments about reading other blogs. i know i'm silly about feeling bad, but i guess i can't help it. and anny, of all people, tells me not to worry about it! i haven't caught up on her blog in.....a long ass time.

and coffeesnob, while a good point, you obviously do not know my mother! she is THE CZARINA. it's embroidered on her bathrobe. you think i'm kidding, but i'm not. this woman is one of those people you live in fear of.

thanks for the nice comments, guys.

have great weekends!!!

Fluffycat said...

You can read whatever blogs you want. We all have limited amounts of free time. However, you should be reading my blog because it's so interesting, ha ha, just kidding.

I love these kind of rambling posts, and they come off as really giving you a huge clue into whom the person is. One of the things I love about your blog is that you are showing various sides of yourself in these voices, and they are interesting and I sympathize with having all these warring ideas in your head.

cmk said...

Another good read, my dear. I didn't find it a rambling post at all--MY 'bits and pieces' posts are MUCH more rambling than this one! (And don't worry about not reading all blogs every day--just stop by mine whenever you are having trouble sleeping. After all, it IS the quickest cure for insomnia the medical profession has ever found. :))

Anonymous said...

whooooo, I've been drinking- this should be fun!

1. only read what you really care about/ are interested in. Everything else is just fluff.

2. you're aware of their problem so you will never be like them!!

3. Ummm, I just peed my pants laughing...

4. and I just snorted a bit too.

5. Stress about it when you find someone to marry!!

6. I'm too drunk and lazy to click your link...

7. totally agree :)

8. totally do

9. I just typed another "8" instead of a "9" I think that's a sign I should go to bed...

lenfercestlesautres said...

I really can't say much about this. My main contribution to the blog world is leaving comments laced with sexual innuendos and misogynistic undertones.

PH, what an amazingly accurate description.



I like your comments, though. They're entertaining.

tallglassofvino said...

1. who did you kiss?? [devilish grin]
2. go see Paris J'taime - you will LOVE it. (if you liked a movie about psychosis, that is!)

3. thanks for commenting. you know what I'm referring to. I appreciated your thoughts, and loved the interaction.

NML said...

I am still pissing myself laughing at the wedding dress points. What a description of a dress and yes, I suggest you do gain weight if you want to avoid it...either that or torch Czarina's house. Ok, we're back to gaining weight again ;-) Your randomness is what makes you so funny to read btw!

Phantom Hater said...

Speaking of pissing oneself, make sure you comment on VB's latest blog entry so she doesn't feel under-appreciated.

FRIGGA said...

Gotta say it's hilarious that your pervert personality is a male :-0