Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Voices Are Back

It's 11:30pm. I am walking from my car to my house. I have just gotten home from hanging out with E&B and Butter and some other people. Because SC is currently under round-the-clock heat index warnings, I have on a sundress. It's the only thing in my wardrobe that can stand the steamy, 83 degree evenings. Out of the corner of my eye, something moves.

Panic: Jeezus! What was that?!!

It was Hot Neighbor. He scared the crap out of me. What the hell is he doing, checking his mailbox at 11:30 at night?

Confident: He's trying to talk to you. Duh.

Me: Good grief, you scared the heck out of me! [ed. note: He apparently goes to church. I gotta watch my F-bombs. It feels strange to say "heck" and "good grief".]

HN: Oh, hey neighbor!

Cynical: He doesn't even know your name. How pathetic. Has he even spoken your name once?

The Voices shake their heads and look at the ground. Shy whimpers, "It's all my fault!" and runs away.

HN: Look at you, all dressed up! What'd you do tonight?

Panic: SHIT! What do we do??

Confident: Sweet! He noticed the dress! Good call, Single Girl!

Single Girl: I aim to please.

Shy: Oh, I knew that dress was too short! And did you have to wear the heels?? Now we have to talk to him!! Ack! We are not prepared for this!!!!

Cynical: I love how he doesn't know your name, but suddenly wants to talk to you when he sees you in a short dress. Classic.

Practical: Dude, I'm tired. Clayton kicked your ass at the gym. Can't we just go to bed? Your arms and shoulders are aching.

Single Girl: Quick! Think of something to say! Something witty! And go walk over to him! Cue the flirting!!!!

Shy: What are you smoking, Single Girl? In order to flirt, we need adequate mental preparation time. We should just say goodnight and go to bed.

Horny: Oh, shit! Did he just come back from the gym? Because he's all......sweaty!

Pervert: Quick! Take a picture!

Single Girl: Damn, he looks good in that tshirt. Nice biceps....

Space Cadet: I'm hungry.

Pessimistically Paranoid: Wait a second. It's 11:30 and he's just now getting home? Where has he been? I bet he was at Hoochie's house all night! I bet those beads of sweat are from--

Overly Analytical: Dude, don't go there. We do not need to be adding to her inferiority complex. He was probably out with some friends and then went to the gym.

Shy: Yeah, it's hard enough just standing out here and talking to him. Don't put ideas in her head.

Me: Oh, just to hang out with some friends. It was my friend's boyfriend's birthday, so we all got together.

Single Girl: Why are you still standing on your steps? Go over there!

Inner Mom Voice: No, he should be coming over HERE. You are worth some effort. Don't make a fool of yourself, wandering across the yards to go talk to him. And stand up straight.

Cynical: Excellent flirting. Maybe you can go down the list of what he got for his birthday. That's hot. He'll totally ask you out if your friend got cool stuff for his birthday.

Me: Yeah, he got a grill and an apron and...

The Voices: SHUT UP! What are you doing????

HN: Oh. That's great! Did you guys go out to eat, or...?

Me: Yeah, well, they did. I got there too late. But we had fun. *smiles*

Cynical: OMG, it's 11:30pm and you two happen to run into each other, and THIS is all he can think to talk about?? Wake me up when he's asked you out. *snores*

Panic: Dude, this is not going well. Abort!

Good Point: No, Hot Neighbor needs to step up to the plate and see what you're doing on Friday night. This small talk is just wasting everyone's time.

The Voices nod in agreement. "Wait, why are we out here?" someone asks.

HN: *just kind of stands there*

Panic: RUN!!!!!

Me: Ok, well, have a good night! *runs inside*

I shut the door behind me. Sammy greets me. He has no idea how pathetic his owner is, so he wags his little tail stump in approval.

Shy: Oh, thank God. It is so good to be safe and inside.

Cynical: Another fabulous performance. Way to go.

Single Girl: You are dead to me.

Horny and Pervert are kicking Panic and shouting, "Stop doing that! Stop doing that! You ruin it every time!!!" Panic is on the ground, rolling in agony from the pain of their pointy shoes.

Stupidly Optimistic: Maybe he'll come over and knock on the door and ask you out!!

Cynical: Are you high? She just blew him off.

Practical: Well, really, what was the point? He wasn't going to cut to the chase.

Impatient: It's 11:30. Some of us have to work in the morning. We can't go over every detail of the evening, hoping he'll ask us out sometime before 3am.

Overly Analytical: You know, you've really got to get over this fear of dating or you really will be alone forever.

Me: *sighs* I know.


Scotty said...

If this guy wants to make a move he really needs to grow a pair.

Anonymous said...

"Hey neighbor"??? I think this guy may be Mr. Rogers incarnate. Clearly, he has not been taking Mystery's advice.

Phantom Hater said...

All your voices made this entry a lot more exciting than it actually was. I can see why girls are just lining up to get with HN. He just oozes charisma. lmao.

*puts on his cardigan sweater and breaks into song*

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my neighbor?

kimmykins13 said...

Don't be to hard on him. He is probably shy too. Remember it took my CN 3 weeks of hinting around before he finally got the nerve to ask me out. He has told me that during those 3 weeks he had the intention of asking every time we ran into each other (which was quite a bit) but he would get to nervous and then he'd choke. I am sure HN is going to ask you out again but it may take him time and a plan.

And one other thing - DON'T RUN FROM HIM!!!!!!!!

Becky said...

LOL this was a hilarious post. i loved it!

Lisa said...

Oh my gosh. This describes EVERY freaking conversation I've ever had with a guy while I was single.

Only you handled it a thousand times better. :-)

RWA said...

If you don't hurry up and get rid of all the voices other than Horny and Pervert, you are going to miss out.

Stuck said...

Totally in agreement with rwa. I've noticed that life has improved 1000% since getting rid of the voices that have the words "can't," "don't," and "won't" in their vocabulary.

Stick with Pervert and Horny for now. Once the other voices learn their place, maybe you can let them talk again. If they refuse to learn their place, give them a sound spanking and put them back in Time Out.

Dallas Diaries said...

omg one of you two NEED to start this conversation off to the whole HEY do you wanna grab coffee or something?

well not at 1130pm but you know what I mean.

Susie said...

hahaha i just found your blog and LOVE IT!! sooo funny and i can totally relate. i'll be back :)

Smug said...

I love that your voices wear pointy shoes!!

Virginia Belle said...

scotty -- yes, i am losing patience!

platypus -- yes, tell me about it. *rolls eyes*

PH-- not everyone can be as charming as you, my dear. and don't knock mr. rogers. i always liked him. but if HN starts wearing cardigans, i will lose all interest immediately.

kimmykins -- yeah, i know. you'd think i'd have more sympathy, considering i'm very shy, myself. hopefully he's just planning on how to totally sweep me off my feet, right? i promise i will stop running and living in fear.

becky -- thanks. i wish it ended differently....but it got awkward, so i aborted the mission.

lisa -- i did???

rwa -- i know. i know. horny and pervert can stay. you're right. they are the best voices i have. although, stupidly optimistic is kind of fun...and confident should stay.

stuck -- pervert says, "did he say 'spanking'? i like him."

dallas diaries -- yeah, don't i know it! i really am wondering if he even remembers my name, though.

susie -- i'm glad someone thinks my pathetic existence is funny...LOL

smug -- horny and pervert wear stilettos. pervert's are black patent leather thigh-high boots, actually. they zip up the side.

Phantom Hater said...

"not everyone can be as charming as you, my dear"

I know. I try to have sympathy for the less fortunate.

This blog just makes me think about how real life is nothing like the movies. People usually start out with awkward conversations. Where is the sparkling, witty dialogue? I think that was why I liked Eternal Sunshine of the...blah, blah. Their initial conversation was so inane, it just seemed true to life.

Stuck said...

Spanking is always a good topic for an opening conversation, by the way. I like to ask girls I've just met "Do you like spankings?"

The key thing to remember is that an overly enthusiastic YES needs to be avoided just as quickly as an emphatic NO. ;)

RWA said...

OK, MAYBE "stupidly optimistic" and "confident" - but THAT'S IT.


Jonathan Zero said...

I think it was Dave Barry who said that there is no ritual anymore now that smoking is not allowed in so many places. Before, a woman could get a cig and fumble around "looking" for a light and 4-8 men would instantly appear with a lighter or matches to light her up and the man she chose could start a conversation and "Oh, you like Marlboro reds also?" and there you go.

And I think Mr Rogers more than likely had no problems asking a girl out on a date.

FRIGGA said...

The more encounters you have with him, the less I like him... Good looks aside, he seems like a complete pussy.

:P Just my opinion :P

KingBob said...

OH NO.......NOT POINTY TOE SHOES! Those are definitely my #1 weakness.

PS- I kind of agree with Frigga. This guy is not off to a good start whatsoever. Would you like to go to church with me? COME ON DUDE!

teahouse said...

LOL, I suspect that your multiple personalities are multiplying...

The Dummy said...

Okay, that had to be one of the most entertaining posts you've written. Since HN makes you so nervous, how about practicing with a UN - ugly neighbor - first? :)

Megan said...

Sounds like you better brush up on your bible stories!

Anonymous said...

You really should consider medication to keep those voices in check. HN sounds a little weird. On a side note, I was in Columbia this past week for meetings. I swear it is the hottest place on the planet. I needed a date to take to dinner with some clients while I was there. Too bad I couldn't have taken one of the voices in your head. Some of them would be very entertaining.

Virginia Belle said...

PH -- i LOVE that movie!!

stuck-- what's wrong with an overenthusiastic yes???

rwa-- you will like the post above, then!

jonathan-- yes, smoking allows for many social opportunities. good point. however, not enough to get me to smoke again. 4 weeks and counting!

frigga -- yeah, he really needs to step up his game....

kingbob-- LOL! i know! church?? whaaa??? i had no idea guys liked pointy toe shoes. huh. good to know.

teahouse -- trust me, i'm trying to keep them under wraps!

dummy-- never fear! i found my mojo! i am shy no more!!!

megan -- LOL i hope not. i don't think you can suck face in church!

lowtide -- yes, but others, not so much...imagine sharing a meal with panic, for example! and holy cow, columbia borders the gates of hell, i am convinced! it is boiling here!

KingBob said...

>I had no idea guys liked pointy toe shoes. huh. good to know.

No...recall that I'M the guy that notices clothes. Ya gotta remember that most guys are oblivious to what you're wearing (unless perhaps you're wearing nothing!) Pointy is MY weakness...can't speak for others. LOL!

Marine said...

LOL.. this was hilarious.

I feel the same way while talking to Cute Gym Attendant. Sigh. I'm about to hit the gym now, wish me luck...


Phantom Hater said...

Myself, I hate pointy shoes. I think I mentioned that somewhere. I hated the pointy-shoe trend. (Most) girls have cute feet. Why cram them in something that the Wicked Witch of the West wore in the Wizard of Oz? It makes me think something deformed (like the chick in Bowfinger) will pop out of them.