It's 11:30pm. I am walking from my car to my house. I have just gotten home from hanging out with E&B and Butter and some other people. Because SC is currently under round-the-clock heat index warnings, I have on a sundress. It's the only thing in my wardrobe that can stand the steamy, 83 degree evenings. Out of the corner of my eye, something moves.
Panic: Jeezus! What was that?!!
It was Hot Neighbor. He scared the crap out of me. What the hell is he doing, checking his mailbox at 11:30 at night?
Confident: He's trying to talk to you. Duh.
Me: Good grief, you scared the heck out of me! [ed. note: He apparently goes to church. I gotta watch my F-bombs. It feels strange to say "heck" and "good grief".]
HN: Oh, hey neighbor!
Cynical: He doesn't even know your name. How pathetic. Has he even spoken your name once?
The Voices shake their heads and look at the ground. Shy whimpers, "It's all my fault!" and runs away.
HN: Look at you, all dressed up! What'd you do tonight?
Panic: SHIT! What do we do??
Confident: Sweet! He noticed the dress! Good call, Single Girl!
Single Girl: I aim to please.
Shy: Oh, I knew that dress was too short! And did you have to wear the heels?? Now we have to talk to him!! Ack! We are not prepared for this!!!!
Cynical: I love how he doesn't know your name, but suddenly wants to talk to you when he sees you in a short dress. Classic.
Practical: Dude, I'm tired. Clayton kicked your ass at the gym. Can't we just go to bed? Your arms and shoulders are aching.
Single Girl: Quick! Think of something to say! Something witty! And go walk over to him! Cue the flirting!!!!
Shy: What are you smoking, Single Girl? In order to flirt, we need adequate mental preparation time. We should just say goodnight and go to bed.
Horny: Oh, shit! Did he just come back from the gym? Because he's all......sweaty!
Pervert: Quick! Take a picture!
Single Girl: Damn, he looks good in that tshirt. Nice biceps....
Space Cadet: I'm hungry.
Pessimistically Paranoid: Wait a second. It's 11:30 and he's just now getting home? Where has he been? I bet he was at Hoochie's house all night! I bet those beads of sweat are from--
Overly Analytical: Dude, don't go there. We do not need to be adding to her inferiority complex. He was probably out with some friends and then went to the gym.
Shy: Yeah, it's hard enough just standing out here and talking to him. Don't put ideas in her head.
Me: Oh, just to hang out with some friends. It was my friend's boyfriend's birthday, so we all got together.
Single Girl: Why are you still standing on your steps? Go over there!
Inner Mom Voice: No, he should be coming over HERE. You are worth some effort. Don't make a fool of yourself, wandering across the yards to go talk to him. And stand up straight.
Cynical: Excellent flirting. Maybe you can go down the list of what he got for his birthday. That's hot. He'll totally ask you out if your friend got cool stuff for his birthday.
Me: Yeah, he got a grill and an apron and...
The Voices: SHUT UP! What are you doing????
HN: Oh. That's great! Did you guys go out to eat, or...?
Me: Yeah, well, they did. I got there too late. But we had fun. *smiles*
Cynical: OMG, it's 11:30pm and you two happen to run into each other, and THIS is all he can think to talk about?? Wake me up when he's asked you out. *snores*
Panic: Dude, this is not going well. Abort!
Good Point: No, Hot Neighbor needs to step up to the plate and see what you're doing on Friday night. This small talk is just wasting everyone's time.
The Voices nod in agreement. "Wait, why are we out here?" someone asks.
HN: *just kind of stands there*
Me: Ok, well, have a good night! *runs inside*
I shut the door behind me. Sammy greets me. He has no idea how pathetic his owner is, so he wags his little tail stump in approval.
Shy: Oh, thank God. It is so good to be safe and inside.
Cynical: Another fabulous performance. Way to go.
Single Girl: You are dead to me.
Horny and Pervert are kicking Panic and shouting, "Stop doing that! Stop doing that! You ruin it every time!!!" Panic is on the ground, rolling in agony from the pain of their pointy shoes.
Stupidly Optimistic: Maybe he'll come over and knock on the door and ask you out!!
Cynical: Are you high? She just blew him off.
Practical: Well, really, what was the point? He wasn't going to cut to the chase.
Impatient: It's 11:30. Some of us have to work in the morning. We can't go over every detail of the evening, hoping he'll ask us out sometime before 3am.
Overly Analytical: You know, you've really got to get over this fear of dating or you really will be alone forever.
Me: *sighs* I know.