Wednesday, October 10, 2007

A.C.W.M.B.

Another Conversation With My Brain.

"Um, I think it's time to pay the bills. You haven't done that in a while," stated Good Point.

"Crap! What if one of them is late??? Your credit rating will be ruined for eternity!!" shrieked Pessimistically Paranoid.

So after dinner, I sat down at the table to pay the bills.

In blood.

Wait, WHY is the water bill triple of what it usually is???

"Because you decided it would be a good idea to put down sod the week before we had a record-breaking heat wave in South Carolina. Hope you like your nicely watered back yard," said Sarcastic in a snarky tone of voice.

Oh. Right. Well, that explains why the electric bill is double, then.

"Yup," said Logical.

"What I want to know is, why did you let your gyno talk you into visiting a urologist, even though nothing was wrong with you? Because that cost you $100. A hundred dollars to pee into a plastic jug. Nice!" said Bitch Mode.

"Leave her alone! She does a good job! It's just that sometimes, stuff comes up! She had to use her savings account to pay for the house!" yelled Hormonal, voice quivering.

"Oh, and I suppose you just had to go shopping this past weekend," sniped Inner Mom Voice.

"Well, that will be on next month's credit card statement anyway," replied Good Point.

"And what's up with those 2 Falcons tickets? Since when are you an NFL fan?" pushes Cynical.

"Those are for CN's birthday! And The Runner is buying one of them. The other one was free, thanks to our credit card reward points! So stuff it, Cynical!" cries Single Girl. They lunge at each other. Inner Mom Voice breaks it up.

"Look! There is a new boyfriend now, folks! That is big news! You need to buy him birthday presents and we have to buy new clothes and cute undies! That's just what you do when you get a new boyfriend, ok?? Everything we bought was on sale. And besides, those shoes were too good of a deal to pass up--$90, marked down to $23!" said Single Girl.

"Yeah, those shoes are seeeeeeeeexy
!" said Pervert.

"Hey! Let's put them on and go show them to CN!" said Horny, giggling.

All the Voices giggle, nod and begin to head to the closet to go get the new shoes.

"Focus, people! We have to pay these bills. No shoe parades right now....HEY! What is this??? Why is the credit card bill so high this month??" said Practical.

"Oh, um, your hair has to look good when you get a boyfriend, too. It was, um, kind of extra and stuff, because you changed hair colors...and um, got a haircut, too. That was an approved trip to the hairdresser!! You said it was ok!" said Single Girl, defensively.

Shit.

Oh, and I had to get more flea/tick control for the dogs....and there was that dinner out with friends.....ok, make that 4 dinners out....oh man.........this is not good.

School loans....garbage service....sewer....mortgage....I watched in agony as my bank account hemorrhaged money. I paid so many bills, I ran out of stamps.

Shit shit shit!!! And I still have to pay my cell phone and cable bills!!! Aaaaaaargh.

Hormonal's eyes began to well up with tears.

"Don't cry, it will be ok!" said Stupidly Optimistic as she comforted Hormonal.

I grabbed the box of Kleenex from the bathroom.

"Don't forget that car taxes are due this month, too." said Logical, quietly.

"OK! Now I'm freaking out!" shouted Panic, running around in circles, screaming.

"Hold on, don't freak out. Let me see what is left over....ok, good. See? We have like...um...$27." said Practical.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!" screamed Panic. She faints and passes out on the floor.

"Ohmygod. We're gonna be homeless!" wailed Pessimistically Paranoid.

"We can rent out the house fully furnished, and move back home with The Czarina!" blurted Stupidly Optimistic.

All the Voices turn and look at her, jaws open. A dead silence overtakes the room. No one moves or says anything. Somewhere, a clock ticks.

"Dude, no. No freaking way. Unh-uh," I say, shaking my head. Everyone shakes their head in agreement. Panic barfs in the corner. "We've got to think of something else."

"We could get a part time job!" shouts Stupidly Optimistic.

"Hey! Dumbass! We need money yesterday, not in two weeks!" retorts Sarcastic.

"Does anyone owe us money?" asks Good Point.

Bitch Mode sits down to make a list of people who owe money. The rest of the Voices continue to brainstorm. Single Girl is lying on the couch in a catatonic state, staring at the ceiling, muttering to herself. Hormonal is immersed in damp, wadded-up Kleenex, rocking back and forth, crying. Overly Analytical is banging her head against the wall. Confident has completely lost it and is under the table in the fetal position, shaking.

"Oh man, we are really in a fix! What are we going to do??" says Impatient.

"Quick! What can we sell?" shouts Logical.

All the Voices think.

"The dog!" shouts Impatient.

"Tried it. No takers," said Good Point.

"Our shoes!" says Practical.

"Shut your mouth!!" screams Single Girl. "You have always hated shopping, and now you're just trying to get even! I won't let you take it out on the shoes!!!"

"Besides, it's not like there's a ton of women on eBay who are looking for size 9 1/2 narrow. We have freak feet, remember?" says Good Point.

"The jewelry???" offers Shy, timidly.

"Dude?! Are you on drugs?! The Czarina would shoot you! And besides, you've only got 2 pieces of real jewelry anyway. It's not worth it," says Good Point.

"Electronics?" asks Single Girl. "We can live without those."

Everyone reminds Single Girl that Cheapskate made sure that all electronics were either hand-me-down freebies or generic-brand Wal-Mart purchases. No dice.

"Crap! We have nothing of value! And it's all my fault! This sucks!" says Cheapskate, sobbing.

"Where is all the money going?? We really need to work up a budget, because I think you're spending it all on candy," says Overly Analytical. "You're going to end up filing for bankruptcy, courtesy of Hershey's if you don't stop it with the chocolate. And how sad is that? Imagine telling the judge -- 'Your honor, I just couldn't stop...the fun size bars were calling my name! But I've been clean for 3 weeks now!"

"Ooh! I know! We can sell our body!!" yelled Pervert.

"We're too ugly to make good money being hookers! We'd never be better than five dollar hookers! By the time we made enough money, we'd be the biggest hoes in the tri-state area! With our cellulite and fat ass courtesy of our candy addiction, it's amazing CN even wants us!!" wailed Hormonal. "I can't believe anyone wants to see us naked, let alone sleep with us!! We're hideous!!!! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

Hormonal leaves to go cry into a pillow. She will proceed to have an emotional breakdown for the rest of the evening. Which is fine with the rest of the voices, because whenever she shows up, she's just a big Debbie Downer.

"Hey, don't they have an amateur night at Platinum Plus? Stripping here and there to pay the bills doesn't make you a stripper, per se, right?? I mean, you'd have to do it full time to be considered a 'stripper'," says Horny, enthusiastically.

"Oh yeah, I totally agree," chimes Pervert.

"Wow. So this really is how women start to work corners in downtown urban areas...and all this time I thought it was just something I read about in sociology textbooks," wondered Nerd aloud.

"WHAT??" screamed Panic, who was totally out of control by this point. Her eyes roll back into her head and she collapses.

Prisspot, although speechless, is just as upset at the thought of becoming a real, actual hooker. She dissolves into tears and joins Hormonal in the pillow-sobbing.

"Ooh! I know! We can dress up like a homeless person and beg for money! It will be like practice, since we do this all the time, anyway, and soon we will be homeless!" yells Sarcastic.

"AAARRRGH!!! I am so MAD at us! There is no excuse! We make plenty of money. This has GOT to stop. We have been living on the edge for months now. No more bullshit purchases, do you hear me? That means no more Starbuck's, no more lottery tickets, no more 'Ooh, I wonder what this body wash is like' and no more 'But it's on sale' !!! You got it??!!" shouts Inner Mom Voice.

All the Voices look at their feet and nod.

"I'm putting the clamp down on all purchasing. If you don't like it...tough," states Bitch Mode.

More nodding.

Shy raises her hand.

"Yes, Shy?" asks Bitch Mode.

"Um, we're out of stamps. Can we stop at the store on the way home?" she asks, trembling.

*sigh*

"Sure."

16 comments:

Coco said...

Strangely, I have had this very conversation with my selves on many, many occassions (thus the 2nd job sucking the life out of me!). :) Hope that things start looking up!!

Megan said...

HOLY SHIT...you make me laugh out loud!!!

JP said...

Get the book "Young, Fabulous and Broke" by Suze Orman. It's pretty helpful.

cmk said...

I am so, so, so sorry, but I am about to puke from laughing so hard! You are one funny girl!

M said...

Man. I can so relate to that post!!!

M said...

PS...The labels for this post are hilarious. Does it make it less painful to pay your bills when you can write a post about it? Cuz, maybe I should write a post about my sorry bill paying a$$

Smug said...

Too funny! I have actually had this same conversation with myself before too!

Phantom Hater said...

Why are you still mailing bills? Pay everything online and save yourself some stamps. I didn't even know people still sent actual mail.

Also, it has nothing to do with having a boyfriend. Now, a girlfriend, on the other hand, is a non-stop money pit. I just bought a new plasma tv with the money I'm saving on being single. I love it.

The cost of eating out adds up. At least you don't drink. Alcohol is one of my big expenses.

I think you're better than a 5-dollar hooker. Ten bucks, at least. ;)

You need to post a picture of your monkey toes. Or just send a camera-phone pic of them to CN so I can get it off the internet.

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

Tell me where you got those shoes right now!

Alison said...

Prisspot. I love it! Hehehe. :)

RWA said...

That is hilarious. The story, of course.

The fact that you have so many voices in your head is a bit frightening. But I'm sure that they have therapy or perhaps even medication for that.

:)

Becky said...

LOL you are hilarious. and sadly we all have these talks in our heads!

teahouse said...

I feel your pain!! More than half my salary goes to the big Mortgage Monster. There's usually not much left most months. Everyone thinks lawyers are rich..but this one has a big broke ass.

Carolyn said...

wow someone else in the world with my feet! narrow, super long toes (which my bro refers to as snakes) and huge (size 91/2 or 10)

except i'm too broke to buy your shoes sorry :-(

Virginia Belle said...

coco -- yes, i am thinking about finding a PT job, just to pay off my credit cards. :P

megan-- good! even just laughing at myself helps me feel better about it. i am an idiot.

jp-- yes, i have heard of that book. perhaps i need to read it next....

cmk-- yes, i like to laugh through my pain......otherwise, i'd totally break down, and that's no fun. i'm doing the whole Scarlet O'Hara strategy -- "I won't think about that now. I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day!" -- and so far, it's working. kinda.

m -- misery loves company!!! and yes, i felt a LOT better about it when i came to grips with my stupidity and shared it with my 100 or so readers. it's a burden to keep it all inside. i'm only human. i fuck up sometimes. this is an example of that.

smug-- see? my readers always make me feel better. i was worried about admitting to this, but then i thought, "i'm human. i'm not the first person this has happened to!"

PH-- i don't trust online banking. hackers and such. and i don't know of any girl who doesn't buy new clothes/undies when she gets a new man. it's built into our DNA. we pay our fair share, too. monkey feet photo has been posted before. look at the freakishly long toes label.

meghan-- dillard's is having their big summer shoe clearance. i LOVE it. i have gotten so many great deals from that sale, it's ridiculous. i got a pair of steve maddens for $7 once. WOOT!

alison -- yeah, she's in there...not one of my favorites. getting dirty can be fun sometimes.

rwa-- doesn't everyone have those little voices, to an extent?? we all have our conscience -- good angel, bad devil -- that sit on our shoulders. i just happen to have 22 of them.

becky-- sadly, yes. i think i'd be in the same situation, no matter how much i made. i am just not that good with money, you know?

teahouse -- they said on the news the other day that ideally, you are not supposed to spend more than 1/3 of your take home pay on your mortgage. any higher, and you risk foreclosure. guess who is tap dancing on that 1/3 mark????

carolyn -- DANG!!! but hey, if you're ever close and need to borrow a pair, let me know! i have found my foot twin, just like Joey found his Hand Twin! Remember? LOL

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