Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Men at Wal-Mart

Alright, since FEW people seem to be interested in my family stories, as evidenced by the paltry comments on the last post-- *ahem*-- I will not talk about that today.

So this is a big "FINE! Be that way!!" temper tantrum from yours truly. I know you guys are just jealous because my family has more boycotted marriages than yours does. Haters.

Today, I will post about something I know a lot of you will want to comment on: Wal-Mart.

Before going to work today, I stopped by the Wal-Mart near my house. MJ refers to this particular branch of the Big Box Store as "Little Mexico", since it is normally chock full of Hispanic immigrants who think blonde hair is the most fascinating thing EVER. They nudge each other when I go down the aisles. They stare at me. They like to call me "Mami" and "Bonita" and stuff like that under their breath. Uck. Why do men do that stuff? It's so annoying and rude, no matter who they are. It makes me feel objectified and I hate it. Something about it creeps me out. It makes me want to go home and take a shower. *shudders*

I wish I could learn how to respond in Spanish: "Yes, hello. While I am, in a nauseating way, flattered at the attention you are currently giving my outward appearance, I would like to inform you that it makes me feel very uncomfortable and violated, because it is rude and invasive, not to mention extremely dangerous, considering I outweigh you by about 50 pounds and could drop you like a hot tamale. Please refrain from doing so in the future or else I will be forced to call INS on your asses. Thanks. Have a nice day."

I need to type that up and make little flyers, and just hand them out when I go to Wal-Mart. That should do the trick.

So I'm at Wal-Mart this morning, and I am at first relieved by the noticeable absence of tiny Hispanic men, undressing me with their eyes. Whew!

Unfortunately, they were replaced with........

OLD PEOPLE!!!!

*screams bloody murder and faints*

If there is one thing I hate, it's old people. They are too slow, they smell funny and they are boring. I don't hate ALL old people, just most of them. There are some old people who kick ass, like The Fruitcake Lady. But unfortunately, this morning at Wal-Mart, there were no cool old people. (Except for the free samples lady who gave me a sugar cookie and tried to help me figure out the difference between semi-sweet and bittersweet chocolate.)

Nope. Today, there was a special deal at Wally World: disgusting old people! Just in time for Christmas!

NOTE: If you are eating while you are reading this, you may want to stop now. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I walk over to the coolers where they keep the milk. On my way, I pass an old man, hacking up one of his lungs. I am talking gurgling phlegm, here, peeps. He had just gotten some milk and put it into his cart, as he was coughing incessantly ALL OVER THE PLACE because he DIDN'T COVER HIS MOUTH AT ALL.

All in chorus now: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!

I tried to put it in the back of my mind as I used my grocery list to grab the door handle. "Thank God I keep hand sanitizer in my car!" I thought. I grabbed my milk and put it in my cart.

Not three feet away, I look up to find Disgusting Old Man #2. He is -- get this - CUTTING HIS FINGERNAILS in the middle of the dairy department!!! Just clip! clip! clipping away!!! He wasn't even bothering to clean them up. He just let them fall on the floor.

This was so offensive to me that I could feel my stomach getting queasy and could not help but make a face as I passed. Unfortunately, he didn't see me, or else I would have said to him: "Does your wife let you do this? Because that's DISGUSTING!!!!" It is only because I was raised to respect my elders that I managed to walk away without saying something.

Gah. Unbelievable. What idiot thinks it's ok to do that?! In public???!! I won't even do it in front of my family members! Seriously, that is just.....disGUSting!!!

A few aisles later, I come across the baking aisle. Most of my list involves the baking aisle, since I cannot seem to kick this baking binge I've been on. I'm not kidding. Some people hole up in hotel rooms, smoking crack until the cops break down the door. I go on baking benders. People won't see me this weekend. I'll be holed up in my kitchen, baking soda in one hand and measuring spoons in the other. It will look like I'm on drugs, because I am sweaty, jittery and holding spoons and a white powder, but I assure you, it is only an addiction to baking. This is what happens when it's 4pm and all you've had to eat all day are chocolate chip cookies. It will mess you up, a little. And before you know it, you get hooked. I have been waking up in the morning, going, "Must. Bake. Something!" I don't know if it's the holidays or the cold weather or what, but dangit, I. Can. Not. Stop. Baking.

Well, apparently this is addiction is going around, because the baking aisle is jammed FULL of little old ladies, who were entirely too caught up in talking to even notice that I'm trying to get into the aisle. After pausing for a second to think, "Oh. I think I'm getting a glimpse at my future....I am turning into a little old lady who bakes all day. Huh. It's not so bad. I bet their grandkids love it.....Dammit, there's a shitload of old people in here today. Gah, are they bussing them in or something? Did the old folks home have a field trip?? What the hell?!" --I decided to go around them and come into the baking aisle from the other end.

So I'm going around via the cereal aisle. I turn right to get to the baking aisle and I see an old man, just standing at the end of the aisle. He's all alone -- no wife in sight -- uh-oh. As I am walking towards him, I see him looking around to see if anyone is nearby. For some reason, he doesn't look in my direction, although I'm practically close enough to touch him by this point.

And that's when he let one. He FRIGGING FARTED in Wal-Mart, right next to me. It was a very audible fart, too. And the second he did it, he looked straight at me, only to receive a disapproving look on my part. He was totally busted. He got a deer-in-headlights expression on his face, and then looked at the ground. He mumbled something as I passed by, but I didn't catch it. I was trying to get away from him before I had to deal with any after-effects. UGH.

Lucky for me, this was the last disgusting thing I have seen today. But thanks to these nasty old men, roaming around Wal-Mart, making everyone want to barf, I am now able to make a promise to future generations:

When I am a little old lady who bakes all day, I promise I will never EVER bring a disgusting old man with me to Wal-Mart!!!!!! I will make him stay in the car!!!!

21 comments:

Alison said...

What do you expect them to do when all of their little old wives are cackling away in the baking aisle? That was their only chance to clip their nails and fart without getting the look. But, of course you were there to fill in. :) To be honest with you, I would have laughed my ass off at the guy who farted and probably added, "Nice one" as I passed by.

Fluffycat said...

ROFL... omg VB this is cracking me up. I've had those days too when it seems like ever person around should be locked up... the toenail clipping, the coughing.. ugh. I thought they were supposed to be more polite in the South. :)

teahouse said...

Euwwww..farty people..

Although I think when you get that old, you really just don't care what people think anymore. Come to think of it, I know a lot of people who burp and fart with impunity.

Lilah said...

I will have you know Virginia that not all Latinos are illegal...such as myself...so your little I will call INS comment has just pissed me off, and I won't be reading here ever again anymore.

Here's some Spanish though for you in the meantime...

Vete a la chingada.

KT said...

First off...ewww to that story.... and second I love the family stories!!

Virginia Belle said...

alison-- LOL yes, that's what i should have said!

fluffycat -- yes, i thought so too. unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case!

teahouse -- yes, i am excited to grow old and have the privilege of saying whatever i want, but i will NEVER be someone who does stuff like that in public!! it's just gross!!

lilah-- whoa whoa whoa. you are taking offense at something which i meant to be humorous! i did not mean to offend. just a poor attempt at being funny. i see that i have failed, and i apologize. i am well aware that many people immigrate legally. so before you jump to conclusions and get upset, please keep in mind that i am not saying what you think i am saying. i'm sorry you feel that way, but i meant no offense.

* meish * said...

ew. ew. EW.

RWA said...

Good grief. Nothing like a good ol' men-bashing post, huh?

I have to agree with alison. These guys were trying to catch a break (otherwise known as a moment of sanity) while their wives were having social hour in the baking aisle.

By the way, since you are apparently obsessed with baking these days, I will be happy to send you my address so that you can ship off any cookies/baked goods you don't want sitting around your house - or CN's.

Phantom Hater said...

Oh, lighten up VB. She's right, though. Not all Latinos are illegal. Just the Mexicans.

Haha, just kidding. Some people need to lighten up.

I never have these awful experiences at Wal-mart. My visits to Wal-mart are wonderful, magical times, replete with fairies and rainbows. Of course, I just plow through the store when I'm there and don't really ever stop to people watch or anything, so maybe I'm just oblivious.

And please don't stop the long posts about your family. I've been having trouble sleeping lately, and they've been a Godsend. Thanks! :)

Jonathan Zero said...

I used to have these experiences in a K-Mart near where I lived 10 years ago. I need to go to WalMart this weekend so I will let you know if anything like this happens to me. I try to avoid peak hours but I do not think I will be able to this time.

cmk said...

See, this is the exact reason I don't go shopping at 'normal' hours! While I am old enough to be your mother, my dear, I still deal with REALLY old people on a regular basis when I go shopping. And I can top YOUR dealings with the old men: Old men always want to FLIRT with me! EWWWWW!!!!! :D

JP said...

This is kind of related-I once had a guy die next to me on a bench at the mall.

Lady Wanderlust said...

I know what you mean about the Mexican problem at Walmart, athough I don't have blond hair. (If you don't like stares due to your light hair color, I recommend that you never visit Japan). When I worked at Walmart in high school, a bunch of them (Mexicans, not Japanese people) followed me around the store, babbling lecherously in Spanish until I flipped them off. In a way, they inspired me to minor in Spanish, although I've long since forgotten the language.

Kraig said...

Old people make me laugh. They can definitely be annoying, but a bit of patience (hard to come by when in baking mode, I know) can go a LONG ways to making it less annoying.

For example, the other day in walmart getting some rocks for my fish tank, An old lady (we are talking mid to late 70's, early 80's old) walked by me, pushing a cart. I had moved out of her way, and smiled at her, and she whispered to me as she passed

"If I knock you over, do I get to take you home?"

In response, I laughed, told her to have a good day, and proceeded to be amused for the next little while. She made my morning.

Its all in how you deal with them.

Jonathan Zero said...

Did get to walmart this weekend but nothing really crazy happened. They did have a Santa that would only say "ho ho ho" as people walked by. Perhaps he was waiting for a child to come by and then he would talk to them.

Matilda Jane said...

A-hem... let me correct you: I don't call it "Little Mexico," I call it "Wal*Mexico."

Coco said...

I don't know which amuses me more-reading this blog post, or reading the comments on this blog post.
Write on, VB, write on.

Becky said...

this is why all walmarts should be burned down. i effin hate that place

Phantom Hater said...

~jp--that's nuts. He was probably purse-sitting for his wife while she was shopping and starved to death.

~becky - "this is why all walmarts should be burned down. i effin hate that place"

All this anger towards Wal-mart (or as I refer to it, God's Greatest Gift to Man) is unhealthy. You haters can shop at Bloomingdales and Saks, where they keep the riff-raff out. Oh, but can you get a 1 Gig Ipod Shuffle with a $15 Itunes gift card for only $78.72 plus tax AND stock up on toilet paper and low-priced feminine hygiene products at Nordstrom? I think not.

Becky said...

lol phantom...it doesn't matter what anyone says...i will never advocate shopping there. i DO have to go there sometimes because my husband loves the place...and its torture every time. i prefer target!

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Sí, hola. Mientras que me, de una manera nauseabunda, adulan en la atención que usted está dando actualmente mi aspecto exterior, quisiera informarle que que hace me la sensación muy incómoda y violada, porque es grosero e invasor, para no mencionar extremadamente peligroso, considerando yo compénsele por cerca de 50 libras y podría caerle tienen gusto de un tamale caliente. Por favor el bordón de hacer tan en el futuro o bien del mí será forzado llamar el INS en sus asnos. Grazias. Tenga un día agradable

Ok thats how you say what you want in Spanish... ha ha
I love old people..*sigh* not in a gross way though...