Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Mr. Safety

If you were to hang out with my boyfriend for a day, you would know why I call him "Mr. Safety". I have to say, I tease him about his overly-cautious lifestyle quite a bit.

Some of his own self-imposed rules include:

1. All doors shall remain locked at all times, unless you are going in or out of them. Once the passage is complete, any and all locks shall be re-locked. The same goes for windows, cars, sliding doors, gates and anything else with a lock on it. (I, on the other hand, have been known to make a "quick run" to the grocery store and leave my entire house wide open, including the front door, sometimes literally.)

2. All foods, unless individually wrapped or sealed, must be stored in the refrigerator. A "use by" date is just that. After the Constitution, this is the highest law of the land. Anything not consumed or used by then will automatically be thrown away. Anything without a "use by date" -- for example, homemade foods or restaurant takeout -- shall be thrown away in a 24-48 hour period. (I, on the other hand, have been known to say, "Food poisoning, schmood poisoning!" as I scrape the mold off of the strawberry jam and spread it onto the restaurant roll I've had for a week.)

Our differences in opinion on this topic came to a head one day, when I pointed out that sour cream cannot get any more sour, and therefore, the "use by" dates on the cartons are simply a conspiracy cooked up by dairy farmers in order to get us to buy more sour cream. (Yeah, I won that battle!)

3. Anyone who does not follow all traffic laws at all times and in all conditions is deemed an "asshole" and "law breaker". This includes: speed limits, turn signals, the wearing of seat belts, obeying "no right on red" signs, merging politely, stopping at yellow lights and proper use of headlights. I don't think it's any surprise that I have fallen into the "asshole" category many times, according to Mr. Safety.

In my defense, that stupid "no right on red" sign by our house is absurd, since one can clearly see if there's any oncoming traffic. And at some intersections here in town, if you don't turn left on a yellow light, you will be sitting at that intersection, trying to turn left, until you die.

4. Hand-washing or the use of hand sanitizer is obligatory in any of the following situations: everything. I, on the other hand, only think about washing my hands when I'm in a bathroom. (I like to think that the constant exposure to my own germy hands strengthens my immune system, and since Mr. Safety gets sick all the time whereas I never seem to catch anything but a cold, I rest my case.)


So you can imagine my surprise about a week ago, when he came over to my house. We had talked about grabbing some dinner and going shopping, so when I opened my door, I asked him if he was ready to go grab some food.

"Yeah, but I've gotta take a shower," he replied.

"Ok, well, you can come in for a sec. I'm sure you don't stink too much."

"No, I've been doing yard work all afternoon," he explained. He held up his hands -- they were black as soot. He pointed to his shoes -- they were covered in dirt.

"Oh. Ok, yeah, please, just stay outside. You're filthy. Are you starving? I was thinking we could shop first and then get dinner," I said.

"Nah, I'm ok for right now. I had a snack," he replied.

"Yeah? What'd you have?" I asked.

"Oh, just some wild onions that were growing in my yard."

*Thirty second silence as I stare at him and blink.*

"I'm sorry," I said, "did you say 'wild onions'?"

"Yeah. You know, the ones that always grow in your yard. The little white ones, with the long green stems," he explained.

"I know what you mean. Just trying to clarify.........So, you got them from your backyard?"


"The same backyard that Sammy pees in when I bring him over?" I asked.

"Oh. I didn't think about that...." he trailed off.

"You eating anything else back there? Wild tomatoes? Wild carrots? I mean, maybe we could have a Wild Salad for dinner," I said, sarcastically.

"No, nothing else. Just the wild onions."

"Um.........ew, babe. Seriously, who does that? Tell me you at least washed the dirt off before you ate them," I said.

"Nah. Just sort of brushed the dirt off of them," he replied. Seeing the look on my face, he continued, "They're from the ground! They are natural! It's from the earth!"

"Well, so is Sammy's poop, but you don't go around munching away on it! Besides! Hello! Pesticides! This, from the man who won't eat restaurant leftovers???" I exclaimed, utterly confused.

"Well, I was covered in dirt, so I didn't want to go inside to get something, and I was hungry, and they were there, and they smelled good, so..." he tried to explain.

"Wait wait wait. So, you were hungry, and you thought, 'Hmmm. What would be a good snack? I know! Onions! Raw, wild onions!' ?" I said, laughing hysterically at this point.

He was growing indignant and defensive at this point, so I let it go after one final question:

"Tell me the neighbors didn't see you doing this," I said pleadingly.

"No, they didn't. But I do have onion breath."

Mr. Safety, indeed.


Debbie said...

let me be the first to say...

ewwwwww, yuck

I once lived in this apartment that had carpet in the bathroom. Insane right? Well, it flooded one time and a few months later I found mushrooms growing behind the toilet!!

I did not eat them, because that would have been really really gross.

Your boyfriend is quite a character. :)

JP said...

I have seen sour cream grow mold.

teahouse said...

Hmm..very uncharacteristic!

Has your bf been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with E.T.? Makes me think of that weird K-Pax movie where Kevin Spacey eats a whole banana, peel and all.

Stuck said...

- Sour cream can, indeed, go bad. Take it from me, who never cleans anything out of the fridge, the taste will give it away if the smell doesn't.

- The "No Turn on Red" sign by your house is to prevent people from turning right as the people across the way have the green arrow for turning. I've seen plenty of wrecks at that intersection from some impatient driver T-boning someone as they turned.

- Wild onions wouldn't have pesticide on them. Pesticide is something you put on a non-wild crop. ;)

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

And men wonder why they're the weaker sex.

BWHAHAHAHAHA <---- evil laugh

Coco said...

I am in no way a germaphobe or anywhere near as safety conscious as CN . . .

but I have to say that during my life I have eaten lots of things straight from the ground . . .
picked leaves off mint growing behind our duplex, eaten wild onions pulled from the dirt, plucked honeysuckle blooms off and sucked them dry . . .picked apples off the tree, rubbed them on my pants and dove in . . .tomatoes straigth from the vine . . .
and I haven't died yet. :)

Phantom Hater said...

When I was a kid I used to eat blackberries straight off the vine. Of course, I probably also ate glue and crayons too. I would worry a little about pesticides in a yard, though, and I pretty much always wash off vegetables and fruits before I eat them. You and CN are both from the South, though, where you guys walk around barefoot with pinestraw in your mouth and suck cow's milk straight from the teat, so I don't think eating wild onions is all that crazy.

I couldn't deal with Mr. Safety in the car. He sounds like my dad, who drives *exactly* 35 in a 35mph zone. There are plenty of assholes on the road, but they're the ones who cut me off and drive too slow. Sometimes they're a "fucking douchebag", a "cocksucker", or a "son of a greedy bitch", though. I have some slight road rage issues.

Stuck might be right about the no turn on red, but if no one is there, I say fuck it.

Becky said...

omg LOL that is so funny. and gross! ew!

kimmykins13 said...

OMG: I am laughing hysterically. I know exactly about those little wild onions having been raised in the south. Of course we tried them out as children. Some snack (????)they are bitter and knock you over strong. Yes, I bet he did have a raging case of onion breath - and I howled just thinking about him getting all surly and indignant with you when questioned about it. CN is a trip.

RWA said...

I find his list to be quite reasonable, and I find your decision to ridicule him mercilessly for munching on a wild onion to be in poor taste.

Is he still speaking to you at this point?

(just kidding about that first part - although I do agree with most of the list since I am certain the things are not nearly to the "extreme" you have indicated).


Alison said...

I am a big germophobe just like CN. I think I'm in love. :)

The Dummy said...

(belly laugh)

That was good to read that. And good to come back and read you after being away so long.

Mr. Safety and I have a lot in common! Well, except eating wild onions from the garden.

(and yes, I'll be showing you pics of the place! The place was unsatisfyingly dull when I got it, and am ripping it up so it's presentable by the time I move in! I'll have before, during, and after pics!)