Sunday, November 28, 2010

Getting You--and Me--Up to Date

I know I am supposed to be writing more about Hong Kong. And I will. But today, I really need to blog about more current stuff.

Gosh, I went to Hong Kong 3 months ago. It's a good thing I took photos, because one day, my kids will hate me for never recording anything about my travels. I am so bad about that kind of stuff. If you are friends w/me on the Book of Face (aka Facebook), you can see all my Hong Kong photos there. Otherwise, just sit on your hands and try to be patient. When the mood strikes, I will talk about it.

We all know I have been a very absent blogger over the last year or so. Part of that was because of my hectic job and my exhaustion at the end of the day. Looking back on it now, it was also because I have been in a very bad place ever since I broke things off with Ex-F. Although I had come to terms with my decision, and have no regrets, I found myself unable and unwilling to bounce back from it. It affected me much more deeply than I first realized, and I didn't have much of a support network to help me work through it. The Ex-F was my support network, and let's face it-- that just wouldn't be healthy. The Czarina only felt relief and doesn't see much point in talking about things from the past. MJ is too far away and even she admits she never answers her phone. My friends here are nice enough, but not so close that I can have heart-to-hearts with them.

I am rapidly burning out at my job. I do not like living in Savannah. I have put on a little more weight (not a lot, but enough that I can't wear the pants I wore last year) and I have become a total hermit. Aside from one or two things I have going on, I spend the vast majority of my free time watching tv on my couch, alone with my dog, eating junk food. (Part of this is also due to my recent obsession with current events, so I am learning a lot -- it's not a total waste! But that is for another post.) To make a long story short, I have not been myself lately. I have been a sad shell of my formerly vibrant self. My recent lifestyle is nothing I would wish on anyone and is certainly no way for a young woman to live. I am supposed to be happy and have all these friends and be running around doing stuff. Over the last year, I have been more lonely, more hopeless and more sad than I have ever been in my whole life. But no one (except my mom and MJ) knows. But even they don't know how bad it is. I have been pretty low. Like, scary low.

That's why I haven't blogged about any of it. It would just be a giant pity party. No one wants to read Debbie Downer's blog.

I suppose a shrink would say that I am intentionally shielding myself from any chance that I will ever date again, as a way to punish myself for having broken someone's heart. Or that I am so afraid of failing and ending up alone that I would just rather not even try. At least then, if I die alone, it won't be because I effed up, but because the universe didn't come through for me. (What, you didn't know the universe is supposed to be finding me a new boyfriend? Yeah, do you see how wacked out I am on self-pity??) A physician would probably tell me to exercise and eat right, so that I would feel better, gain more self-confidence and improve my mood. The Czarina just tells me all my problems are because of my weight and if I would just lose weight all my problems would magically disappear. They are probably right. Well, I think The Czarina's logic is a little off, but she means well. She's not the most sympathetic person in the world, let's face it.

It's not like I've never been through a bad breakup before. Or been lonely. Or overweight. Or suffered from bouts of insecurity. But I've always bounced right back before. For some reason, this time it was different. I have no motivation to change, even though I am not happy where I am now. This bummed-out period has been longer. Much longer.

I don't think I am clinically depressed, but I have been hovering around it and wallowing in self-pity for over a year now. Maybe I am undiagnosed. "I have a great apartment and a great job, and that's enough," I have been lying to myself. I feel like I've been on the Negativity-go-Round for a year, and I'd like to get off. It's starting to make me wanna barf.

See how fun this is? Wheeee! I know you are so glad you stopped by.

But the good news is, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that all my praying is starting to pay off. I think I am slowly coming out of it. I have been taking long walks with Sammy, and they help to put me in a slightly better mood. I am going to try and do more fun things not involving my couch. I just found a new church to go to, so that is also a good thing. After tiring of my coworkers nagging me, I put up a profile on OK Cupid (an online dating site) -- and let me tell you, I am so NOT into it. I haven't even replied to any of the emails. I am going to attend/try/go to anything that sounds interesting or fun. Even if it costs money (one of my favorite excuses to sit on my couch!). I am going to try and meet more people. I am looking forward to having news to share with someone when they call me and want to know what's new.

I am not going out this way. This has gone on long enough.

Ok, stay tuned for more optimistic (and funnier!) posts. Maybe more frequent, too. No more Debbie Downer. She's had enough space in my brain.


teahouse said...

Hey, self awareness is a good thing. And life has its ups and downs. You are entitled to feel sad for a while; end of engagement is a really major life event! It's good that you're going for walks and making a concerted effort to get out of the house. There is so much beauty in the everyday ordinary.

And welcome back! Hope you'll blog often again; I love reading your posts.

If you want to be FB friends, email me!!!

Smug said...

Boy have I missed you!!! So glad that you are back and I hope that you will keep blogging as I love reading about your life.

Hang in there and you'll pull through this sad time. I spent a whole year single and mostly alone between my last boyfriend and meeting my husband and I think I needed that time to get centered and become fulfilled in my own right before I was ready for the universe to find me a new boyfriend :)

I started a new blog - check me out!!

Jonathan Zero said...

I've been having the same conversation in my head for just over 5 years now.

Debbie said...

It sounds like depression to me.

I went through it from June -November. I also managed to lose weight (Dr. Atkins) during that time and the depression did go away. Your mom may be on to something.

I've been reading your blog for years and always look forward to your posts. I would love to have you as a Facebook friend if you'd like to.

Hang in there, it definitely sounds like you are the right path.

Virginia Belle said...

You guys rock. I can't tell you how awesome it is to have your support and understanding. Thanks so much for the advice and sympathy. I was kind of down when I posted that. I'm much better now! In fact, I have felt great ever since I posted that!

Fluffycat said...

I think breakups take time to get over, particularly when you were so close to making a permanent commitment. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself and just notice how you are feeling and think about what you can do to make yourself feel better.

Sounds like you are on the right path though, starting to socialize, take walks, etc.

GrewUpRural said...

Welcome back and I'm glad you are starting to feel better. Everyone is entitled to go through periods where they are in a funk or depression. You had a lot of items going on in your life all at one time. It's okay to take a break from life. You definitely deserved it!

Coco said...

I feel like I suck, because I kept forgetting to check your blog and now I come back to read this! And that you haven't posted since Dec. 4th! I hope that is merely a sign of the hectic-ness of December, the end of the semester madness (I work in higher ed too), and general busy-ness...and not because you have gotten even more down.

I know just how you are feeling. It's very hard to break out of, but you can do it! I really wish you nothing but the best, and hope life brings you some very awesome things quickly to brighten your days!!

Virginia Belle said...

Thanks guys!!! Yes, I have been feeling much more like myself lately. I think the worst is over. You guys rock. :)