tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post8353185707434981543..comments2023-10-24T03:51:26.482-04:00Comments on Virginia Belle: Why I Only Visit Twice a YearVirginia Bellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09139549722127680662noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-88091828812609337912009-01-19T17:42:00.000-05:002009-01-19T17:42:00.000-05:00I sympathize fully and completely. I moved across...I sympathize fully and completely. I moved across the country to avoid my mother and it worked...until I had a baby. Now we're stuck with at least two visits a year. If you figure out how to deal with your mom let me know, because I could certainly use some pointers.<BR/><BR/>Hugs and good luck to you sugar.The Frog Princesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10438487668215827513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-6275843698314360822008-12-27T01:50:00.000-05:002008-12-27T01:50:00.000-05:00For what it's worth, I suggest sitting down with m...For what it's worth, I suggest sitting down with mom, telling her about the issues. Put it on her. Tell her if things don't change, you aren't coming back.<BR/><BR/>Tell her you're tired of submitting yourself to all of that, and you're just not going to do it anymore. Period.<BR/><BR/>If she isn't will to change, or if she says she will but doesn't, don't go. If you're already there, leave.<BR/><BR/>Again...just my suggestion.Southern (in)Sanityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08161448234899521650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-25666122278291420302008-12-22T21:42:00.001-05:002008-12-22T21:42:00.001-05:00Hey, VB--Mothers can hurt us in a way nobody else ...Hey, VB--<BR/><BR/>Mothers can hurt us in a way nobody else can. Her behavior is classic passive-aggressive. It likely stems from loneliness at being widowed, coupled with a desire to maintain control over her life by being close to you but unable to express her love in a normal way. <BR/><BR/>As you know from my previous posts, my mother in law is very similar. After 30+ years of dealing with it, my Husband's solution has been to limit contact with her. We visit her twice a year, make sure she's comfortable and healthy, and limit our visits and phone calls to < 1 hour. It's not what he would like, but he recognized as a teenager that it was the only way he could survive to adulthood with his psyche intact.<BR/><BR/>In retaliation, she calls in the middle of the night, badmouths us to all of her neighbors, tells relatives that she has a neglectful daughter-in-law (me), writes us angry letters reminding us that she's disinheriting her son, and has been known to starve herself to make herself sick and get rushed to the hospital, all in an effort to get his attention. It's destructive and bizarre. But it's all about exerting control over him.<BR/><BR/>To his credit, my Husband has not taken the bait (I respect him more and more each day for it). He's learned from a lifetime of being manipulated by her. God help me, if he'd ever let her control him like that, I would not have married him in a million years.<BR/><BR/>I'm not saying this to draw attention away from your situation, which I know is unique like all situations are. But in our case, limiting contact has been the only way. It's sad, but some people are toxic, and limiting exposure to them is the best way to prevent the poison from spreading.<BR/><BR/>That said, it's not the right thing for everyone. It seems that in the short term, you can try saying things to your mom like, "You know what, Mom? I'm not going to let you talk to me that way. It's hurtful." And follow through by walking out if necessary. Usually people who are passive/aggressive/martyrs will "behave" when facing the alternative of having the person walk away from them. I hope that helps.<BR/><BR/>I'd be happy to talk with you via email more about crazy mothers and mothers in law. I have some other ideas, but this comment is already getting too long!<BR/><BR/>Good luck!teahousehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06222848511993932548noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-57675422400620146762008-12-22T21:42:00.000-05:002008-12-22T21:42:00.000-05:00Hey, VB--Mothers can hurt us in a way nobody else ...Hey, VB--<BR/><BR/>Mothers can hurt us in a way nobody else can. Her behavior is classic passive-aggressive. It likely stems from loneliness at being widowed, coupled with a desire to maintain control over her life by being close to you but unable to express her love in a normal way. <BR/><BR/>As you know from my previous posts, my mother in law is very similar. After 30+ years of dealing with it, my Husband's solution has been to limit contact with her. We visit her twice a year, make sure she's comfortable and healthy, and limit our visits and phone calls to < 1 hour. It's not what he would like, but he recognized as a teenager that it was the only way he could survive to adulthood with his psyche intact.<BR/><BR/>In retaliation, she calls in the middle of the night, badmouths us to all of her neighbors, tells relatives that she has a neglectful daughter-in-law (me), writes us angry letters reminding us that she's disinheriting her son, and has been known to starve herself to make herself sick and get rushed to the hospital, all in an effort to get his attention. It's destructive and bizarre. But it's all about exerting control over him.<BR/><BR/>To his credit, my Husband has not taken the bait (I respect him more and more each day for it). He's learned from a lifetime of being manipulated by her. God help me, if he'd ever let her control him like that, I would not have married him in a million years.<BR/><BR/>I'm not saying this to draw attention away from your situation, which I know is unique like all situations are. But in our case, limiting contact has been the only way. It's sad, but some people are toxic, and limiting exposure to them is the best way to prevent the poison from spreading.<BR/><BR/>That said, it's not the right thing for everyone. It seems that in the short term, you can try saying things to your mom like, "You know what, Mom? I'm not going to let you talk to me that way. It's hurtful." And follow through by walking out if necessary. Usually people who are passive/aggressive/martyrs will "behave" when facing the alternative of having the person walk away from them. I hope that helps.<BR/><BR/>I'd be happy to talk with you via email more about crazy mothers and mothers in law. I have some other ideas, but this comment is already getting too long!<BR/><BR/>Good luck!teahousehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06222848511993932548noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-50550411361049684832008-12-22T16:10:00.000-05:002008-12-22T16:10:00.000-05:00I have just been thinking some of these same thoug...I have just been thinking some of these same thoughts myself-not about my mom, but my grandparents. So, I know the feelings you're dealing with . . .the guilt of not wanting to spend time with her, but when you DO spend time it's entirely filled with dreadful thoughts of "when is the other shoe going to drop? when is she going to say something to hurt me? when will things go south?" It taints every moment. I am very, very sorry that you have to deal with that. At least I have my mother to commisserate with when my grandparents stick it to me, and I'm grateful for that. I hope that you can extract yourself, and think positively that while you DO love her and value the good parts of her, you DO NOT deserve to be bashed around like you have no feelings . . .and if that means you have to take time away, then she will have to deal with that. SO sorry!! :(Cocohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18137056654678597739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-69245423752991368722008-12-21T13:58:00.000-05:002008-12-21T13:58:00.000-05:00Ya know, I don't think you need to "sass" your mom...Ya know, I don't think you need to "sass" your mom back, but you can learn about setting boundaries for yourself so you are less hurt by it all. I read a good book called Boundaries on this subject, and it's really about just protecting yourself, without hurting others, but setting a "do not pass" line with people. Because even if she's your mother, there's no need to have to put up with that kind of verbal abuse. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.Fluffycathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05428451230435663963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-9630481509335448322008-12-19T02:29:00.000-05:002008-12-19T02:29:00.000-05:00Oh VB, you know I can relate to you on so many lev...Oh VB, you know I can relate to you on so many levels of this. I have never talked to my mom about these things either, and just TRIED to ignore her. <BR/><BR/>Mom actually started treating me like an adult when I got married. Had I known this earlier, I would have married a rich man right out of high school and scored an awesome piece of alimony treasure.<BR/><BR/>And I know you were taught not to sass, but maybe the next time your mom makes a comment on your looks, just tell her "Well, everyone always says that I look like my mother."<BR/><BR/>Thats what I do and it shuts her up everytime.Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence)https://www.blogger.com/profile/08437426078664351801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-54280474701801911242008-12-19T00:02:00.000-05:002008-12-19T00:02:00.000-05:00Hugs doll!While I am lucky I have a pretty good re...Hugs doll!<BR/><BR/>While I am lucky I have a pretty good repationship with my mom, the only reason it is that way is because we don't live together. We currently see each other once or twice a year (I used to live across the country, and now I live across the world) and while I think we'd still get along if I lived closer, I KNOW I couldn't live WITH her again. After about 5 days of visiting I start to get annoyed, frustrated, fed up, etc.Cazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01686803288323819543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-91038258550081942232008-12-18T19:32:00.000-05:002008-12-18T19:32:00.000-05:00It's really easy for me to sit here and tell you w...It's really easy for me to sit here and tell you what you should do ... so I will :) <BR/><BR/>If it's at all possible, just toss it right back at her. You can do it in a nice way. "Oh really? 1920's whore bathroom? Damn. I was SO going for a 90's whore look." <BR/><BR/>For one thing, she will be absolutely shocked that you came back at her, but she can't claim you were rude or disrespectful. <BR/><BR/>I hope you don't have to cut her out of your life, but I can understand why you would feel that way. It took me a long time to learn how to respond to people who are so negative and underhanded. It isn't always easy to do it, either.Capricorn Cringehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02656396122660056009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-71673220606416122682008-12-18T14:11:00.000-05:002008-12-18T14:11:00.000-05:00First, let me say that I am not defending your mot...First, let me say that I am not defending your mother in any way. Now...<BR/><BR/>She is entitled to her opinions, however wrong they may be. For her to speak them without thinking is a product of what I refer to as "Mother Mouth." My mom does it too, just not to the degree of yours. Hell, lots of old people do it. If she loves you, she's saying it out of love, however fucked up that sounds. If she doesn't love you, though, cut and run. You don't need her.<BR/><BR/>As for the purple and pink cathouse bathroom... I agree with her. But I can explain why. When I see those two colors together, the first thing I think of is a strip club. They're one of the few building that revel in purple and pink neon lights. It's almost like the Red Dot on a liquor store. You see the fru-fru neon and you know there are gonna be chicks taking off their clothes in there! But maybe that's just me... and even so, painting your bathroom in those colors doesn't imply that you're going to be stripping in there. (Even though you will be, since it's a bathroom... just not in a sexy way. Good Lord, am I making sense? I'm just gonna stop typing.)Stuckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17806212590717745000noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-84567669943731163462008-12-17T22:42:00.000-05:002008-12-17T22:42:00.000-05:00Oh, and BTW: Since I know what you look like I ju...Oh, and BTW: Since I know what you look like I just want to reinforce in you that you are Lovely inside and out - and YOU ARE NOT FAT!!! CN knows this too, obviously.kimmykins13https://www.blogger.com/profile/03975995189429999303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-63628290280445816862008-12-17T18:57:00.000-05:002008-12-17T18:57:00.000-05:00One good thing that will come of this? You will b...One good thing that will come of this? You will be a wonderful mommy to your little ones. I hope the visit goes well next week.Alisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16885128896437455570noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-5148611235301748312008-12-17T18:48:00.000-05:002008-12-17T18:48:00.000-05:00Oh VB - ***Hugs***You don't really need this at a ...Oh VB - ***Hugs***<BR/><BR/>You don't really need this at a time that should be so exciting for you!! <BR/><BR/>Are you really sure she doesn't want CN for you as a potential husband? If she didn't, then why would she give you her blessing? Is there a possibility that you are reading into that aspect wrong? I guess you know better about the true meaning behind her comments re: the situation with him. I hope you are wrong though. <BR/><BR/>It will all work out I'm sure. At least you do not have to spend the whole 3 weeks you have off there.kimmykins13https://www.blogger.com/profile/03975995189429999303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18879154.post-29119138262921404562008-12-17T15:55:00.000-05:002008-12-17T15:55:00.000-05:00Oh, sweetie. I am the last person to tell you to ...Oh, sweetie. I am the last person to tell you to 'just talk it out' with your mother. I cut my mother--and the rest of my family--out of my life several years ago, and I am MUCH better for it. (NOT that I would suggest the same to you.) I probably am closer to your mother than you in age, so I have 'taken it' a lot longer than you. My health began to suffer and I had to make the move away from The Family. My biggest regret is that I didn't do it earlier and now my two daughters don't see the manipulative, vindictive person The Mother is--at least one of my girls is STILL trying to get her approval and not really succeeding. It is so sad for me to watch.<BR/><BR/>I don't have any advice for you. Only YOU know what needs to be done. What will make you happy and healthy? I am so sad you have to go through this and hope for the best for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.cmkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17984250869194585666noreply@blogger.com