Last night, I was about to leave to go run some errands. It was 7:30. Just as I'm walking towards my front door, I shout, "K!!! Come here!!! Hurry!!!"
She runs over to me. We peer out the window.
That's when I saw her.
She was thin and very glamorously dressed -- flowered sundress, heels, delicate jewelry, movie star sunglasses -- she was smiling and she was tan. And thin. Her voluminous dark hair was doing everything my limp blond hair will never do. Despite the gigantic sunglasses, I could tell she was very pretty. Did I mention she is thin?
Worst of all, she was on a date with Hot Neighbor. I could feel tears of disappointment welling up in my eyes.
Ok, maybe not tears, but I was definitely whining.
They were walking to his car. His car, that was evidently parked behind her car: a brand new, shiny blue convertible sports car. She stopped to help him put his watch on.
HOW DO I COMPETE WITH THIS???
I am so S.O.L., y'all. I told you he's not that into me. I knew it. If he really was, he would have asked me out when he had the chance.
Anyway, they walked to his car, and he opened the door for her. Keep in mind she is grinning from ear to ear the entire time. She was obviously very glad to be on this date. I can't say I blame her. Then he got in and they drove away.
I was crushed.
"It's a Wednesday date, VB," K offered. "You know that's not a big deal. It's only Wednesday."
"Yeah...I know...but he's got his kids this weekend, so he can't go on dates this weekend," I mumbled.
"And he wasn't very dressed up -- a tshirt and khakis? The date obviously means more to her than it does to him," she continued.
"Ok, good point," I whimpered. "But that could have been me! I can't believe he didn't just ask me out!"
"I know! Just because he's out with her doesn't mean he doesn't want to ask you out! He's only out with her because you were going out of town and stuff -- he felt rejected, so he moved on to girl #2. For all you know, you could be #1," she offered.
"I don't feel like #1...." I grumbled.
So once the happy couple pulled away, I got in my car and ran my errands. I began to feel kind of silly, because here I am, I just had a wonderful weekend with another guy, and I'm upset that HN is on a date. It is kind of a double standard, I know. But you see, in my head, HN is supposed to be in lurve with me, and he's supposed to be trying to woo me away from my other suitors. And he will go out with skanks only for the purpose of making me jealous. I mean, that's how it goes, right?
Hollywood has ruined love for American women. That shit only happens on big screens. *sigh*
Stupid overactive imagination....
Where was I? Oh yeah. So, I did notice one important detail. This woman (who I will dub "The Wednesday Skank") is not 2nd wife material. I am. Think about it.
She drives a 2-seater convertible. Not exactly child seat friendly. Where is she going to put the other two kids? In the trunk? Not exactly someone who appears to be open to the concept of having kids in her life anytime soon. People who drive convertibles are usually looking for attention (I am not saying this is a bad thing, because I myself would love a convertible). The new car tags are still on it, so this is a very recent purchase on her part. So this chick is wanting to drive around town, honking and waving at guys. Yeah, she's ready to settle down.
I, on the other hand, drive a large sedan which is equipped for OnStar service. Granted, it's not the most reliable vehicle on the road, but it does have lots of airbags. And I am not going to be distracted by cute boys who want to look at my shiny car if I'm hauling his kids around. Plus, I live next door and I'm a librarian. How much more convenient and reliable can you get?
Also, my rear window has stickers on it. I like people who have car stickers. It shows personality and/or an opinionated mind. Miss Fancy Pants Wednesday Skank didn't have any stickers, not even on her plastic convertible window. She's probably boring.
She seemed high maintenance to me. Like the kind of girl who would flip if she broke a nail or messed up her hair. Like she would be a bitch if the plans got messed up. I can tell she's got expensive taste. I, on the other hand, am all about some TJ Maxx. For a divorced father of three, who is paying child support out the wazoo, I'm sure this is very welcome, and a much better fit for his lifestyle. I don't have Dooney & Bourkes that will be ruined if his little girl decides to decorate it with her Crayola markers. All my purses cost about $15. No biggie.
I also think the disparity between their outfits showed a distinct lack of communication between them. He looked like he was going for wings and beer, she looked like it was Fancy Restaurant Time. So I already see problems in their relationship.
As far as I know, she has no children or pets. (Just go with me here, people, ok?) On the other hand, I have not one, but two dogs. And what do people always say about pet owners who don't have children? Their pets are substitutes. So see? I am experienced in caring for small animals. That's only one step away from caring for small children. I'm already warmed up for it. And we all know that pet owners are healthier, less stressed and more nurturing than non-owners.
As far as I know, she doesn't have experience with a mixed family. I, on the other hand, do. My dad had 2 kids when he met The Czarina. I saw the challenges and joys firsthand. I know what to expect in a situation like that. My mind is already primed and ready for it.
Did I mention she doesn't look like the kind of girl who knows her way around the kitchen?
*sigh* Ok, I feel better now. I had to have my little snarky moment there. We've all done it, right girls?
In reality, I'm sure she's a very nice girl. Maybe I can't compete with that. HN deserves to have a great girl. She is pretty and obviously successful at whatever she does. She seems like a nice person to spend an evening with. And possibly a lot of fun, because they went inside his house when they came back. As of 11:15, when I went to bed, they were still inside his house. No lights on. Not that I was looking when I was walking my dogs or anything....not that I was up late, hoping to see her leave....
I don't know if she spent the night. But she was inside his house after dark, with the lights off.
I can't compete with that.
I'm just going to have to kill her.
Ok, just kidding. But if I would never get caught....
More than anything, though, this has lighted a fire under my ass. I'm wondering if I was his first choice, or if he did that to make me jealous? If so, it worked. I'm on a mission, people. That dumb bitch won't even know what happened.
This weekend, I'm going to pull the ol' "Oh, gosh, I made all this lasagna, and I just can't eat it all! Would you like some? I know you've got the kids this weekend, so I figured you could put it to good use" stunt. I'm going to drag out that question from him, too.
This monkey business has gone on long enough. Stand back, people. I've got some wooing to do.