Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Jamaica Me Crazy!

Sorry. I had to. It just begged for a bad pun.

So my birthday was yesterday. (If you want to give me a present, I can tell you that I am accepting vicodin and cigarette addition to small electronics) I had a nice day. Perfect weather, lots of phone calls and emails from friends and was nice. After work, I got ready to go see Frank Warren of Postsecret fame.

MJ and KT came over beforehand with presents and a cake for me. Yay!!!

They gave me:

A Barbie doll (no, I am not kidding. I told them that I love Barbies and wished I could still play with them. I described this super cool fairy Barbie to them, and they got it for me. I am reliving my childhood with this doll. Don't know what I'm going to do with her yet....but I like looking at her. If someone had thought to combine the concept of fairies and Barbies when I was little, I would have been obsessed with this collection.)

A 3 month subscription to Netflix (woot! woot! Season One of Nip/Tuck here I come!!!). I am spending this afternoon making my list. So excited. Now taking recommendations, btw. Any of the Oscar winners good? I haven't seen any of them. Except The Devil Wears Prada, which I highly recommend.

A pack of condoms. I don't know if it was a joke or a hint, but I told them it's a good thing they don't expire until 2011, because at the rate I'm going....

Then KT brought out my fantastic birthday cake. Man, oh man, was it good. Imagine a super moist, two-layer chocolate sour cream cake, with homemade chocolate icing. Ok, now dump a can of cherry pie filling on top. Omigod, it was heaven. I had two slices.

But now I have to get rid of it. Or I will get really fat. So I think I will see if a certain Hot Neighbor wants it....

Speaking of which...before we left to go see Postsecret, we decided to go out on my front porch and have a cigarette. Not 5 seconds after I lit my Camel, out walks Hot Neighbor. With his kids.


He waved. I waved. MJ and KT whispered, "Is that him?" and I said that it was. They tried to grab a peek at him as he loaded his kids into his car. They couldn't get a good look at him.

"Well, so much for that idea," I said.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but seriously, could I look more irresponsible? In front of children? Jeez Louise. I'm sure he now just thinks of me as some young, dumb party girl. I no longer have the chic, mature woman image I was trying to go for. What father of three wants to date a smoker who goes out on weeknights? Ugh, I am so disappointed in myself. You know his kids were like, "Daddy, why is she smoking?" Gah. Can someone please shoot me?

Then again, if he can't deal with one bad personal habit, then I don't want him anyway, right? As K pointed out this morning, "Well, if he's divorced, then obviously he has some bad personal habits, too." No one's perfect. We all have our vices.

I feel like I owe him an apology. I really don't like smoking in front of children. But I'm going to hope that he either didn't notice or doesn't care. And hopefully, the yummy deliciousness that is my leftover birthday cake will help get me back in good graces.

Any male opinions on this dilemma are very welcome, btw.....especially if the comments run along the lines of...

"Dude, chicks who smoke? Totally hot." or

"Trust me, you have nothing to worry about. I'm a hot single father and I totally don't care if a girl smokes. Ok, let me confess--I am Hot Neighbor. I found out about your blog. I don't care if you smoke. Just please deliver that birthday cake wearing nothing but a smile."

Never fear, readers. I don't have to worry about dating jerks anymore. Now, I just cut to the chase and f--k everything up all on my own, before things even take off. Excellent...I am pre-emptively single. Ooh, good band name.

Moving on from this humiliating scenario...

Postsecret was really cool. He talked about how it got started, why he does it, what he has learned from it, stuff like that. Actually, a lot of what he said can be found in the introductions to his books. The best part was that he showed some secrets that cannot be put on the website or in the books due to nudity or copyright infringement. They were great. So if he comes to your town, I recommend going just to see those.

Ok, here are some cool things I learned about him and the Postsecret Project:

1. He hasn't had any stalkers, but he does get the occassional fan who wants to see the Postsecret House or meet the Postsecret Dog. Usually, they just want an autograph.

2. The #1 most submitted secret is "I pee in the shower."-- which, ew. I have never done that. Gross.

3. He keeps every secret that is mailed to him. They are all stored in big plastic bins (the big tubs you would store Christmas decorations in) in his garage. He's on year #3 of the project, and so far, he's got about 24 bins.

4. Every so often, he will get copies of his first book mailed to him in the mail. This is because the first book's cover was made to look like a USPS parcel. It's got his address on it and everything.

5. He said that if you can put postage on it or mail it, he's probably gotten it mailed to him. He said he's gotten potato chip bags, bottles, jewelry, sonogram photos, hair, house keys, Starbucks cups, CDs, you name it. He said some people put their cards in an envelope. Some people tape it all up and/or put $10 worth of postage on it, just to make sure it gets there.

6. He receives about 1,000 postcards per week. (Wow.) His mail carrier bundles them up for him every day with rubberbands.

7. He asked her once if she read them. She wouldn't admit to it, but she did say that her favorite one said, "I used to work at the post office. We would read everyone's post cards. Is that what you guys are doing right now?"

8. People think he's crazy for putting his home address on his books and website, but he said that in order to feel comfortable telling a complete stranger your secret, it helps if the stranger makes the first step. I thought that was a good point.

He really seems like a nice guy. He owns his own business, which is how he can keep Postsecret an ad-free site. It's in the top 10 most visited blogs, btw. It's the most popular ad-free blog. He actively supports 1-800-SUICIDE and gives donations to them. I think that is really cool. He said for every person that is murdered in America, two people commit suicide. That's a crazy statistic, and based on what I've looked up today, it is a pretty accurate statistic. He said that suicide is America's secret. It's so rarely talked about or reported.

Perhaps the best thing he said was along the lines of, "Every person probably has a secret which would break your heart. And I think that if we all realized that, the world would be a more compassionate place."

I think this is so true. I know I have a couple that would probably break your heart if you knew them. Maybe you'll see them one day on Postsecret! I have never sent one in, but now I want to send in about 4 or 5.

If you want to read more about Postsecret, there is a Wikipedia entry.

Ok, on to something less depressing. One of my oldest friends, J, who lives in Indianapolis, is getting married in Jamaica next September. Over the years, we have grown apart somewhat, but we will always be friends. I like her fiancee and I think they are really good together. I'm not so crazy about their friends, however. I think most of them are pretty snobby.

Anyway, I just got my invitation to go to the wedding, and I can't decide if I want to go. So I am keeping track of the pros:

1. Jamaica, baby!! I never go anywhere, and this is a great excuse. I love to travel, and I've never been to the Carribbean. I have been dying to go somewhere international and now I have an excuse.
2. She is one of my oldest friends and I know she would love it if I went. The wedding will be beautiful and I would probably cry lots of happy tears.
3. I found a round-trip ticket that is only $300 or so dollars. This is an incredible deal. Plus, I would rack up major frequent flier miles.
4. Um, it's Jamaica. I am counting this one twice.
5. The resort looks fantastic!
6. If I play my cards right, I might be able to get Czarina to chip in...she loves J and thinks it is so cool that we have been friends for 15 years.
7. My friend, Mack Daddy, offered to go with me. He used to live in the Carribbean, so he knows his way around (this soothes the panicky wuss inside me), he can help pay for the uber-expensive room ($500 per night!!) and he wouldn't have to go to the actual wedding because he'd be too busy snorkeling and sailing on boats. He could entertain himself during the wedding if J doesn't allow me to bring a guest. (Which I would totally understand, btw.)

...and the cons....

1. Her friends are kinda snobby. If Mack Daddy doesn't go with me, I will be ignored by the snobs the whole time. Which would impact my fun tremendously, as I would probably feel left out most of the time. This, combined with how stressed out I get when I travel alone, might make for a highly stressful trip.
2. The rooms are $500 per night. OUCH. Food and booze (which I obviously would not be drinking) are included. As are any touristy-tours I want to go on. But still. I cannot afford this by myself. No way. Especially when you include the wedding gift, spending money, etc.
3. If I go by myself, I don't know how much fun I would have. Aren't trips like this better with really good friends? Maybe I should hold out for a better opportunity.
4. It's during hurricane season.
5. Maybe I should be more practical with my money (ie, pay off some of my absurd credit card bills). I have been thinking about getting a new car....
6. I have heard that Jamaica is very crime-ridden and dangerous.

So....what do you think? Should I go?

More importantly, do you think I've totally ruined my chances with Hot Neighbor?

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Oscars & Fantastic Weekend

OMG where to begin.

Friday night I went to my usual Happy Hour at Wild Wings with E and the rest of the Happy Hour Girls. (Sounds like a band, doesn't it?) This time, I brought along K, MJ and KT. As I was leaving, Hot Neighbor came home and got to see me looking good--finally!!! We made some small talk as K and I got into the car. I knew that was a good sign. Once we got there, I introduced the Happy Hour Girls to everyone else.

Later on, Mack Daddy and J-Rich stopped by Wild Wings to say hi. (They are part of the Wild Youngins crowd. Guy pals of mine who are somewhat younger than I.) By this point, I felt like I knew everyone in the building. It was kind of challenging to circulate between the groups, because we were all spread out.

I caught up with friends, flirted with boys (there were quite a few cuties in there), played matchmaker (unsuccessfully, I might add!) and generally laughed my butt off the whole night. My friends are hysterically funny and I love them. We even created some inside jokes that night. The Happy Hour Girls even bought me a virgin shot since it was my birthday weekend. They ordered a round of Shaved Beavers for everyone, and so my "Virgin Beaver" ended up just being Red Bull, but it was still fun. (OMG I can't wait to see what the Statcounter brings up on that one....)

Despite the fact that I love him like a brother and he is the funniest mo fo around, MJ didn't go for Mack Daddy simply because he's younger than her. By a year. And I guess the fact that maturity-wise, he's at about the level of an 18 year old didn't help....*sigh*. Oh well. I tried. I wish my little sister was older, because I am just nuts about this kid. If he tried hard enough, he could probably get me to wet my pants from laughing.

I was exhausted by the time I got home. The next day, I got up and went to lunch with KT. We grabbed Mexican at my favorite Mexican place, and then hit the mall. I will have to take pics of what I bought so I can share. After that, I raced home and got ready really fast.

I threw on my new cobalt blue satin tank with tie-sleeves, black pencil skirt, black jacket, fishnets and black stiletto pumps. I wore cobalt blue eyeshadow and black liquid liner. (Sounds funky, but it worked.) Somehow, I managed to get my hair to look great, too, in one of those Gwen-Stefani-inspired ponytails. I was quite the little glamour queen, and MJ and KT didn't disappoint, either--we looked smashing, dahling. Yippee!! Time for birthday fun.

MJ and KT had planned on surprising me and taking me somewhere, but apparently KT and I spent too much time shopping (oops), so by the time we went out, it was almost 10pm, so we had few options. We decided to go to my fave restaurant, Yesterday's. (Gee, how awful!) After dinner, I celebrated with a little white friend I will call "Mr. Vicodin". He's fun. (I should probably stop with this before I end up like Matthew Perry. Although, I can totally understand how he got addicted, because these little guys are f-u-n. But the way I see it, other people get drunk, so how is this different? We all have our vices. I've only got like, 10 of them left anyway. What else am I going to do with them?)

Why am I justifying this to my readers on my own blog?? Look, I like vicodin and I take it recreationally. And I will continue to do so until I run out. There. I said it.

After that, we decided to go to Liberty's ("We are dressed for it," we agreed.), where we proceeded to catch a terrible case of the giggles, leading us to take silly photos and have even more inside jokes. Next was The Flying Saucer, with more giggles and finally The Wild Hare, where we proceeded to almost fall off our bar stools from laughing so hard. According to MJ and KT, I am very "entertaining" when on vicodin. They like Vicodin VB. And I have to confess, I enjoy being her, despite the fact that I slur my words and totally forget what I'm saying halfway through the sentence.

We closed down the bars and they took me home. I was totally exhausted and didn't get up the next day until 3pm! That is the latest I've slept in in probably a decade. I finally dragged my butt outta bed and took a shower. I was going to run some errands when I remembered I needed to change my air filter. I don't have a ladder, so I needed to borrow one.

Hmmm...who should I ask??

Why, Hot Neighbor, of course. It went like this:

*knocks on door*

*Hot Neighbor and 2/3 of his children answer the door. He looks fantastic and the sunlight catches his golden-brown eyes. The tshirt, which is tight against his pecs and arms doesn't hurt, either.*

VB: Hi, sorry to bother you, but do you have a ladder I could borrow?
HN: Did you say a lighter? You want to borrow a lighter?
VB [to herself: Shit, did I say lighter?]: No, I need a ladder. I have to change my air filter.
HN [shouting to his mom]: Mom, can you watch the kids for a second? [to me] I don't have a ladder, but I can see if I can still change it for you.
VB: Oh, thank you so much! [Oh crap! Is my house a total wreck? What is out that could embarrass me to no end? Crap. I can't think of anything. That means something embarrassing is inevitably out in the middle of the living room. Gah, I hope he doesn't see my bedroom. It is a total disaster zone.]

*We go to my house. Sammy likes him. This is a good sign. Then again, Sammy likes everyone.*

*Nothing embarrassing is out. Whew.*

HN: I just need to stand on this chair. I promise I won't break it.
VB: Oh that's ok. I don't really like that chair anyway. [That is not true, but whatever.]

*HN reaches up to open vent and replaces it for me. I try not to look up his shirt while he's standing on the chair. Must. Not. Look. Or. All. Will. Be. Lost.*

VB: Thank you so much. That is really nice of you.
HN: Hey, it's nice to know I'm good for something around here.
VB: Well, if you need more to do, I can think of a few things.
HN: Oh yeah? Like what? [He is inching towards me as I back up against a wall. Eeeek!]
VB: Oh, you know....things....

*He lays a big one right on me!!! Holy schnikes!!!!*

Ok, that's not really what happened. If it was, that would have been the first thing I would have blogged about today. Duh! You are so gullible.

Ok, here's what actually happened in reality, as opposed to inside my head.

HN: Well, it's nice to know I'm good for something around here.
VB: It's a 3 month filter, so you don't have to worry. I won't be bothering you for a while.
HN: Oh, that's ok. It's just me over there, I'm by myself most of the time.
VB: Well, that can be remedied.
HN: Yeah? You got any ideas?
VB: [a slow smile creeps across my face] A few.
HN: Care to share?
VB: Uh-huh. [I grab him, pull him to me and give him a big smooch!]

Ok, that didn't happen either. After he said he was alone most of the time (awwww!), I thanked him again and he left. Yeah. It was a lot more interesting in my head. Sorry, guys. But K thinks he was hinting around with the "I'm lonely over there in my house, all by myself most of the time" comment. I don't put as much stock into it. She seems to think he's really into me, but I don't see it. Not in reality, anyway. Inside my head, we spent the rest of the afternoon in my bedroom. My brain has already worked out all the details, you see.

I did find out that he's got his kids every other weekend. Useful information.

*sigh* I guess I will just have to pine away for him. And check him out by peeking through my kitchen window. (Is that weird that I do that? Ugh, I am stalking my neighbor.)

The good thing is, I now know the following things about him:

1. He might know how to fix stuff.
2. He probably doesn't have a girlfriend.
3. He might be lonely.
4. He is nice enough to help me with stuff. Even when his kids are over.
5. He wears those tshirts a lot.

Whew. Ok, subject change before I need a cigarette. (I'm quitting soon! I swear!!!)

The Oscars. Did anyone else notice the conspicuous absence of the following people?

1. Renee Zellweger
2. Jennifer Aniston
3. Vince Vaughn
4. Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones
5. Charlize Theron
6. Halle Berry
7. Courtney Cox-Arquette and her hubby
8. Jake Gyllenhaal
9. Selma Hayek
10. Heath Ledger and Michelle What's-Her-Name
11. Uma Thurman
12. Sandra Bullock and her hubby
13. Keira Knightley
14. Sienna Miller
15. Hilary Swank
16. Lisa Kudrow
17. Ben Stiller & wife
18. Luke and Owen Wilson
19. Jennifer Garner (I saw Ben Affleck, so maybe she was there somewhere...)
20. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
21. Katie Holmes (again, I saw Tom, but not her)
22. Natalie Portman
23. Claire Danes
24. Drew Barrymore

There are more I'm sure I haven't thought of, but doesn't this list seem kind of strange? I mean, I know there are only so many tickets available, but some of these are big names! I guess a lot of them didn't have movies this year, or they were in comedies....or television...I don't know how it works as far as who gets invited. But it seems there were a lot of conspicuous absences.

Time to play Fashion Police for a second. My favorites were Rachel Weisz, Cate Blanchett and Reese Witherspoon. The Worst Dressed goes to Faye Dunaway, Kirsten Dunst and Jennifer Hudson (she should have left that jacket at home!). Wanna see what I'm talking about? See the pics here.

Play Fashion Police with me! Who did you like/hate?

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Hypothetical Birthday!!

A meme my friend did on myspace. Since it's almost my birthday, I figured I'd pretend...

Hypothetical Situation: It is your birthday today.
All of the people you care about have come together to make this one of the most special days of your life.
From the biggest dream to the smallest detail almost anything is possible. [Woo-Hoo!!!!!]

MJ & KT-- are you taking notes???? Because this is your cheat sheet for Saturday. Just in case you need ideas for my surprise this weekend.

1. You can wake up in any city. Where are we?
Someplace warm and tropical. Bahamas? Yeah. Sounds good.

2. You have a special alarm to wake you. One of your favorite musician(s) has come to play for you. Who is it?

Yes! So far, my hypothetical birthday kicks ass. I would have either Outkast or Gwen Stefani wake me up. Maybe Dr. Dre. Or RHCP. Or P-Funk. Dang, I can only pick one??? That's hard.

What song(s) do they play for you? -- If Outkast, I'd want something from their Aquimini album (whatever track #12 is). If Gwen Stefani, it would have to be "What You Waiting For?" As for the other musicians, I pretty much like everything, so anything goes. Dang, that is hard. I guess if it came down to it, I'd pick Gwen.

3. You have access to any meal, any chef, or any restaurant's menu? What are we having for the first meal of the day?
It's my birthday, so there are no calories, right? Ok. Breakfast consists of the following: blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, coffee, orange juice, cranberry juice, water (shut up, it's my hypothetical birthday. I can have 4 drinks if I want), chicken biscuits (from Chik-fil-a), hashbrowns and cigarettes. You can sit in the non-smoking section if you want. But I'm having coffee and cigarettes while I wait for my food.

4. A celebrity from TV (or show cast) has come to serve you or join you for this meal. Who is it?

Yes!! This kicks ass. I will have the cast from Sex and the City, thankyouverymuch. They will be in character as they dine with me.

5. After eating you have about 5 hours of free time to do whatever you want. You may choose any activity big or small, what would you like to do most? (Remember it's your day)

I would play on the beach with my dog, go shopping, go scuba diving, go to a spa and get one of everything, go on some kind of ghost tour/historic home tour, rent a convertible, eat an ice cream cone, ride on a really fast boat and make out with Hot Neighbor. Not necessarily in that order.

6. You receive your first gifts. You don't own these items already, but want them most. What are they?
a. one of those BIG iPods. 30 giga-tons of storage.
b. a new bed and matress set
c. hardwood floors for my house
d. a suh-weet digital camera
e. a brand new, state of the art, superduper fast laptop

7. It is time for our last meal before the party, what's the menu?
macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, grilled cheese, diet coke, quesadillas, black beans, steak w/sauteed mushrooms, sweet potatoes, tacos, yogurt, bruschetta with garlic bread, peanut butter sandwiches, nectarines, berries, ice cream, brownies, candy....and more cigarettes.

8. This meal is one you share with the people closest to you, who do you want to join you?
friends and family...everyone i know and love! The more the merrier. Oh, and Hot Neighbor. Because he's hot.

9. As a big surprise, a movie star is here. You and this person are off to visit, film a PSA, and give 100,000 dollars to your favorite charity in your name. Who is with you?
Cool!! In addition to the cast of SATC? And Gwen? Crap, I don't know. I'd probably pick Kate Winslet. I love her. Or maybe Renee Zellweger. NO!!!! I would pick Mike Myers. Definitely. Final answer.

9a. What is the Charity?
Something related to alcoholism, like The American Council on Alcoholism. Or a homeless dog rescue organization.

10. Time for the party. Describe the location or theme.
I have always wanted to go to a masquerade where everyone is in full-on, head-to-toe, super elaborate costume and you spend the evening trying to figure out who everyone is. I'd want it to be sort of a Mardi-Gras theme...lots of peacock feathers and jewels. My costume? Cleopatra.

Hell, yeah. So far, my hypothetical birthday is kicking ass. Onwards...

11. Who is the house band? or what is the DJ playing?
all of the musicians I've mentioned here! Lots of danceable hip-hop, pop, Motown, bluegrass, etc. Some 80s. Some alternative. Every song is either great to dance to or great to sing to. Too many artists to list. Lots of Prince and Nelly, definitely. I will just hand him my brand new iPod which is now full of all my songs. There will be absolutely no jazz.

12. Describe the food spread
Didn't I already go over that? Ok, I guess there's hella food at my party. Seems logical enough. Let's see. I'd have a full, open bar, complete with "near beer" and carbonated grape juice for me. A candy bar (minimum 100 varieties of candy). A cigarette bar. A Quesadilla station. A chocolate table (anything and everything chocolate). An ice cream parlor area--at least 30 flavors and toppings. A bake sale (all proceeds benefitting above-mentioned charity). A fruit smoothie station. One of those guys who stands under the heat lamps and wears a tall chef hat while slicing prime rib. A junk food table (complete with Doritos and Oreos). An ice sculpture of Sammy. The waitstaff will serve the following off of silver platters: cocktail shrimp, mini-cheesecake bites, baked brie, chocolate truffles, chicken nuggets from Chik-fil-a, cigarettes, teriyaki chicken strips on little skewers and vicodin. Vases of beautiful and fragrant flowers decorate the tables. Lots of candles and sparkly things. Chandeliers. Did I mention that the waitstaff consists entirely of ex-boyfriends? Who aren't being paid? And don't get to take home any leftover food? Or take breaks? And must apologize profusely to me every time they see me during the party? Yeah. I told you this party kicks ass. Because I'll have your exes there, too, and they will have to do the same thing.

12. Everyone is enjoying your favorite drink, what is it?
It would be a drink invented that day in honor of my birthday. It would be named after me. It would be bubbly and sweet, like me. It would be hot pink in color and the ingredients would probably include Chambord, champagne and ginger ale.

Did I mention that somehow, I magically look 25 pounds thinner in all the pictures from the party? Because I do.

Did I mention that everyone makes a toast to me? And then everyone breaks out into song, because they've all been practicing on a very funny song written especially for me? Yeah.

13. Tell us about your birthday cake?
Right now, all I can think about is the chocolate-cherry pie filling cake that KT is making for me, so it would probably be that. Or pineapple upside-down cake made by my mom. Or the poundcake that K's mom makes. It has cream cheese icing. Mmmm. No, I think KT will win. Chocolate is sounding pretty good right now.

14. It's time for your big gift, what thing do you want most?
A brand new red convertible!!!!! It would be made by Honda, stick shift, V8, seats 4, has an iPod adapter, tinted windows, killer sound system, tires that never go flat, drink holders that actually work the way they should and gets 84 miles to the gallon....*sigh* This car exists. It's my hypothetical birthday.

15. Finally, before bed, you are given a special gift or jewelry by your significant other which means so much as a symbol of your relationship. What is it?

his absence??? LOL

I don't have a significant other. I'd probably be too pooped by this point to care, either! Although, I'd probably get Hot Neighbor drunk at my party so I could seduce him. *daydreams for a minute*

But if I had a S.O., I'd want a big, honkin' canary diamond ring. Not necessarily an engagement ring. Just a big phatty, blinged out ring. Yellow diamond. Ooh, probably from Tacori. Anything from them, actually.

16. If 15 doesn't fit you or if you and your significant other want someone to join you, who do you take to bed with you? I told you it was a special day! Pick anyone/anything.

Besides Hot Neighbor? Besides Sammy? (I can't sleep unless he's in the bed!) Duh. I would pick Dr. Hunktastic himself: Julian McMahon from Nip/Tuck. We will have lots of sex and babies one day. He's the one who just gave me the phatty ring.

Happy Hypothetical Birthday to Me! What would yours be like? More importantly, am I invited?

Thursday 13

Huh. The Thursday 13 site where I usually get my header graphics from is pretty much gone. I guess the found of this meme decided to stop keeping the site going. Looks like Thursday 13, as an official weekly event in the blogosphere, is over. *shrugs* Such is the web, no? Knowing me, I'll still do Thursday 13s anyway. I live in a world of rules and boundaries. I am anal. And that's ok with me. Most of the time. Anyway. Ahem.

Thirteen Things That Make Me Happy Today

1. The weather is beeeeeee-utiful. Sunny, light breeze, lower 70s. *sigh* To make it even more sweet, I had the morning off to enjoy it. Sammy and I took a lovely little walk. This was the kind of weather that would make me skip class when I was in college.

2. Remember how I was worried about my tire? Well, I did run over something--a nail. On the recommendation of a coworker (thanks, LB!) I took my car to this tire place she likes. They had me in and out in a half hour. They just plugged up the hole. Cost? A whopping $7.50.

3. KT is making me a birthday cake! It requires cherry pie filling! And chocolate!!!!! Normally, I dislike any fruit/chocolate combination, but I make an exception for cherry pie filling. I'd eat that stuff out of the can with a spoon. I will try to take a pic before I chow down so you can see what it looks like.

4. Since it will be my birthday cake, I am going to eat as much of it as I damn well please. The diet can take a break for one day. Ok, three days. Actually, at this point, I could probably eat the whole cake in one sitting. Look up "sugar addict" in the dictionary...

5. My birthday is in 5 days. Next Tuesday, I'll be.....28. Eeeeeek! Getting old isn't fun, but who doesn't look forward to their own personal holiday? It's Birthfest '07!

6. MJ and KT are also planning some sort of surprise for me on Saturday night. I have no idea what it is. They called to say that I have a birthday surprise and said I can dress up if I want. (Duh. It's my birthday. Dressing up is de rigeur or whatever that dumb French phrase is.) And I have as-yet-unworn shoes to wear. Hmmm...must buy new outfit. I wonder what my surprise is....

7. No one has ever planned any kind of surprise for me on my birthday before. So just that alone is pretty cool. I hope my surprise is two cakes instead of one. Ok, maybe not. My waistline wouldn't recover from that kind of celebration.

8. "Dare" by Gorillaz. I can't stop listening to that song!!! It is so happy and fun to dance to! I jam out in my car to it. With the windows down. Making a complete fool of myself.

9. Ready to turn green with envy? Guess who's coming to town on the night of my birthday!!! Postsecret. And since I was smart and kept my student ID after I graduated, I am going with KT, who is currently a student. It's free, but you have to have an ID to get in. MJ doesn't have one. We need to find her a fake. Or, I could just smuggle her in with one of my gigantic handbags. Hmmm...will have to figure something out.

10. When I go out on Saturday for my birthday, I am going to find a really hot guy and make him kiss me. It's my birthday. I think it's a law, right? I mean, I'll be the Birthday Girl. Smooches are in order.

11. Speaking of guys, The Rat Pack is coming to visit us again! Woo-Hoo!!!! Superfun guys. Can't wait.

12. Boss Lady is gone for a whole week. (She's a nice lady. So it's not that. It's just less stressful. I mean, who doesn't like it when that happens?)

13. I feel better. Which means I will feel well enough to go to Happy Hour tomorrow with E and go shopping and get a pedicure on Saturday!!! Woo-Hoo!!!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Kleenex, Cough Drops and College Stories

Ick. I feel mostly better. Just have snotty nose and dry throat/cough. Mmm. Pretty. So I am currently getting by at work, thanks to facial tissue and the wonders of Honey-Lemon Halls. I'm out of these, which are actually the best cough drops ever in the history of mankind. They taste like candy. Wish I had some....

I am really, really sore. On Monday, after skipping a week of weight-lifting classes, I thought I'd be a badass and go up in my weights. At the time, I was on this big adrenaline kick. The kind where you feel very euphoric. So I was really getting into my workout and decided to push myself. It worked. Everything hurts.

In case you ever wonder why I never seem to reply to your comments, it's because I read them in my email, and then I forget to reply to them in my blog. But I read and love each and every one of them.

I replied to everyone's comments in the 2 previous posts. So scroll on down to read 'em. Sorry I'm such a space cadet, peeps. I am blonde, remember.

So I think I ran over a nail or something yesterday. Yeah, because I don't have enough car problems. My "check tire pressure" light came on right after I heard a funny noise under my front tire while driving. The last time it came on, I had a nail in my tire. So far, no flat, but I need to get it looked at. Awesome. I love my stupid car.

Seriously, I am thisclose to saying "F--k It!" and going to CarMax this weekend and just buying something. Anything. Just get me away from this pain-in-my-ass car. I'm so sick of it. I need new brakes, a new thermostat thingie, the seat warmers don't work, my CD player is starting to act up, I probably need a tire patch, a new key reader, an oil change....ugh. I hate dealing with cars. That would be one of the coolest things about being rich--I would never have to worry about car problems again. Someone else (or my bank account) would handle it for me. *sigh*

Ok, before this turns into the most. boring. post. ever. I will share some more college stories with you. I told Charming about them the other day and she got a kick out of them. So here goes. Another story about College VB.

Time: Spring, 1998
Place: Bloomington, IN

I am in a car with three pledge sisters: Liz, Eileen and Valerie. We are freshmen, looking to buy some beer to drink in a dorm room (probably mine, because I didn't have a roommate). Liz is driving. She's the only one with a fake ID. So we go to a grocery store and she goes in alone to get the beer. She comes back with the beer....and four cute guys. They were seniors living off-campus. They were having a party at their house, and we were the guests. This was apparently decided in the beer aisle of the grocery store while we waited in the car.

So the 8 of us proceed to get trashed. I ended up somehow (Gosh, how did I get in here??) in one of the cute guys' bedrooms. I fell asleep after hooking up with him*. I figured everyone else went home.

So did Liz.

So did Eileen.

So did Valerie.

We all woke up in the morning, surprised to find our girlfriends still there. We had each hooked up with a different guy. So it ended up working out really well! We laughed about that night for the rest of college.

Gosh, I miss those carefree days of making out with total strangers....*sigh*

Ok, next story.

Time: Sometime during my sophomore year...
Place: Bloomington, IN at the ATO fraternity house

My sorority lived at that house, I swear. We were there almost every weekend. At this particular party, I was downstairs in the basement partying. I started making out with a cute guy who wasn't in the house, but was visiting a friend of his who was a member.

We ended up going upstairs to a room for more...uh, privacy. Aside from someone accidentally walking in on us mid-hookup, we had a good time*. I went back down to the party.

I had to pee, so I went to the ladies' room. While in there, I started talking to this really nice girl. She told me she was visiting from out of town and was at the party with her boyfriend. "Wanna meet him?" she asked. "Sure!" I said. (See where this is going? Yeah, how dumb am I?)

We walk out of the bathroom, and she proceeds to make a beeline for the guy I had just hooked up with upstairs. She introduced us, and I mumbled something and got the hell outta there! If I remember correctly, he had a very smug look on his face. What a jerk. I was mortified.

College VB was a fun girl. I miss her. Maybe I should bring her back....?

* And no, I didn't, in case you are wondering, Noseypants. I had a good time, but I'm not that kinda girl.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Sick Day

I'm blogging from home. I don't feel good. Woot woot! Finally got my wish. I was going to go into work this morning, because I had a class to teach. But my car wouldn't start. I took this as a sign that the universe was letting me play hooky today, so I just went back to bed after calling in. I really don't feel good.

My car likes to play this key game with me. You see, the key is worn down and the part of my ignition that reads the key doesn't always want to recognize it. Or the spare key. (The reader needs to be replaced, but I don't want to spend the $300. One day it will stop working completely, but for now, I will take my chances.) So I have to plead, beg, pray and cry to my car for the key to work. And sometimes, it won't. Which means you have to let the reader reset. This could take 2 minutes or 2 hours. Today, I gave up after trying for 15 minutes. And of course, as you can guess, this never happens to me unless I'm in a hurry. I hate my stupid car.

Had a great weekend. Friday night I went out with E and my new friends Tay and S. We have started to make Friday happy hour a weekly event. We go to Wild Wings and have girl talk. This week, we must have really enjoyed ourselves, because we stayed for 8 hours! My butt started to hurt.

E was making me laugh, because she uses this slang I'd never heard before. She and our friend W use it. BBs (Baby Balls) are guys who are under 25. YBs (Young Balls) are guys who are between 25 and our age (late 20s). To hear them talk about the benefits of dating BBs and YBs cracked me up. And now I've started to say it.

You know I embrace any chance to talk about balls...

Anyway, at one point, this really annoying drunk guy started talking to E. He wouldn't go away or shut up. She and I were right in the middle of a conversation, so we found him to be quite irritating. Eventually, I grew tired of playing nice and said, "Are you done? Because you're drunk and annoying and we're in the middle of a conversation. Do you mind?" Just at that moment, a guy friend of ours walked up and we explained our dilemma. It turned out that he was friends with the drunk guy. Oops. Me and my big fat mouth. We apologized to the drunk guy, but our friend assured us it was no big deal--the guy is pretty annoying when he's drunk. Of course, after all that, we felt obligated to talk to him the rest of the night. We never did finish our conversation....

The next night, I went to a birthday party with Stuckey, MJ and K. It was a good time. We had a funny small world moment, though. A group of guests were sitting in the living room, when someone brought up a name of an old friend of theirs. It turned out that about 5 of us also knew him. No one thought anyone else at the party would know this guy, because the guy never goes out. I don't think I know anyone who has less of a social life. So this was so funny to us that somehow, we all knew him. For about 5 minutes, everyone just kept saying, "Wait, you know him, too?" It was very odd.

Sunday, I went to lunch (dinner?) with MJ. We ate grits with fried chicken fingers on top. Mmmmmmm. We had a really nice time. She and I have been spending so much time together, K has started to call her my wife. What can I say? She rocks.

Later on, I went to see Because I Said So with K. Diane Keaton played The Czarina, and Mandy Moore played me. The only difference was that The Czarina doesn't nag me about my laugh, she nags me about my weight. So if you ever wonder what my relationship with my mother is like, go see that movie. It was pretty cute, I must say. Thankfully, my mom, to her credit, would never call me mid-date. After the movie was over, I called The Czarina to tell her that her house was probably bugged. Because they captured her essence on film.

I think I kinda hurt her feelings. She said, "I'm not that meddlesome, am I?" and I assured her she wasn't. But I said she was pretty close. (And I do think that if given the liberty, she would do a lot of the things Diane Keaton's character did in the movie!)

I know this post is boring, y'all. But I don't have much to write about. It's all good in da hood, as they say. I love my friends. And I'm really enjoying hanging out with them. But I do have a secret. A big secret. Which I won't get into right now, for various reasons. But if all things go as planned, I will be making a very big life change in the next few months!!! And I am really excited!!! I will tell you when the moment is right, promise. Or, as usual, you can just email me and I'll tell ya.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Thursday 13

Thirteen: Good Luck? Bad Luck? Who knows?

1. About an hour ago, I had to help a really stinky person. She smelled like cat pee. Ew. What is up with that? Don't people know? I mean, after a while, you start to smell yourself, don't you? Ugh. How do you even get to the point where you smell like that, anyway? Another example of my recent bad luck. I'm lucky I don't smell like that. I'd probably never get laid,

2. Today I tried out this stuff. It didn't work. I was kind of annoyed, considering it cost about $9. My hair isn't the least bit shinier than before. But I'm relieved it didn't alter my hair color. Good? Bad? Eh.

3. You can read all about my Valentine's Day celebration here. For some reason, our conversations were entirely inappropriate for dinner: diseases, guts, sex toys...but we had a good time. I made them CDs and MJ gave me some yummy lip balm and a super sweet card. KT paid for my food. I love my friends. Even when they are totally exhausted. :) Yay! I am lucky to have such super duper girls. But it's bad that we feel the need to talk about bestiality and flesh eating bacteria over dinner.

4. I paid my taxes today. Oh yes, the tax man cometh. I owed the Feds about $50, but am receiving a refund from the state for $171. Woo-hoo, right? Not exactly. It didn't cost me $110 to get my taxes I pretty much broke even. Oh well. Next year I'll clean up. So much for paying off some credit card debt.

5. Last night, my "check engine" light came on. Fantastic. I took it in this morning. Something about the coolant/thermostat system. I don't know. He said it won't leave me stranded and should only cost about $100 to fix, so I can just get it looked at the next time I get my oil changed. Whew. Is this good? Is it bad? I don't know. Maybe it's neutral luck.

6. Anyone out there believe that good and bad things come in threes? Because I think I'm due for a "good" streak. I've paid my dues to the bad luck spirits, I think. For the time being, anyway. Maybe I need to wear my lucky purple shoes this weekend. If they don't work this time, I'm going to stop referring to them as lucky. Last time I wore them, they didn't work.

7. Speaking of luck, did I tell you I didn't buy the house next door to mine, only because the number 13 is in the address? Yeah. Its driveway is waaaaaaay better than mine. Ask me if I'm kicking myself for my absurd levels of superstition. But then again, I'm glad I have a lucky number (17) in my address. It's been a lucky number for my family for years. I'm just waiting for all that good luck to start happening...anytime, now, Lady Luck. Anytime.

8. The girls and I are planning on a weekend beach trip. Since Brunette and I always celebrate our birthdays together (I'm 4 days older than she), we decided this year we wanted to go somewhere. We decided to head to Myrtle Beach and stay in her family friend's house. We are staying there for free--woo-hoo!! We've decided to invite all our girlfriends, too, so it should be packed to the gills. Outlet malls, here we come! This one is definitely the good type of luck. Although, the best laid plans of mice and men....

9. I wish I was sick. I really do! I have tons of sick leave saved up. Just. Sitting. There. I'd love to have a movie day, cuddling with Sammy on the couch, dozing off when the soap operas come on and drinking hot coworker has the flu right now. Her doctor said she can't come back for a week. Some people have all the luck. Then again, I think she's probably barfing right now...

10. Maybe I missed my calling as a cooler. (Is this a good movie? Anyone know?)

11. I've always liked that saying, "The harder I work, the more luck I have." I think that in a lot of ways, it can be true. Do you think you can create your own luck? This guy says people who believe they are lucky are indeed luckier. So it seems you can create your own luck with positive thinking. Hmmm...time to think lucky.

12. On the highway near my house, there is no Exit 112. It goes from 111 to 113. This seems funny to me, as I would have voted to skip #113, rather than 112. I say, skip the unlucky numbers. Kind of like how there's never a 13th floor in a skyscraper. Maybe 112 is unlucky for the Department of Transportation?

13. Time to start surrounding myself with good luck charms (did you hear that bats flying over your head is a good thing?) and staying away from bad luck omens (no hats on the bed!!).

Although, I quite like the attitude of the farmer in this old Chinese fable. Who knows???

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Violentine's Day!

Before I begin, let me give you two quick updates:

1. I am in the process of retrospectively labeling all my posts--all the way back to day 1. So if you need to read the whole backstory on my freakishly long toes or why I am going to Hell, you can do so. What did you say? Something about anal retentiveness? What do you mean?

2. I have lost 9 pounds. Woot! Woot! Go me. I am diet queen. I can now fit into 2 pairs of pants which I could not wear in December.

Now, as I was saying...

I've managed to get out some of my pent-up rage in the past couple of days. Thanks to an elliptical machine, Lily Allen, empathetic girlfriends and of course--Camels.

But I've still got some reserve anger to use up tonight, when I get together with MJ, KT and E to do some serious bitching and man-bashing. That should do me for a while, and then it will be back to your regularly scheduled programming here on VB.

Until then, I will share some Violentine's Day related stories.

Story #1

My coworker told me about her friend's current family scandal. It turns out that this woman's grandparents have been married for 51 years. They are in their seventies. [insert "Awww!" here.] So Grandma goes to her high school reunion (why you'd still go to your high school reunion at that age, I don't know). While she's there, she runs into her high school sweetheart. His wife had recently passed away. So afterwards, she goes home and announces to her husband of 51 years that she is leaving him for her high school sweetheart. Then she started packing up all her stuff! She just moved in with her high school sweetheart. Unbelievable, huh? The lady said her family is wigging out over this. Understandably.

Story #2

I wish I could give you a link to this somehow, but since it happened about 20 minutes ago, it's probably not on the Internet yet. My other coworker was listening to a popular morning radio show as she sat at her desk. She overheard this:

DJ: Ok, the 10th caller gets a prize!

10th caller: Hey! Cool! What did I win?

DJ: A dozen red roses!

10th Caller: That's great! I haven't gotten anything for my girlfriend, Kelly, for Valentine's Day.

DJ: Well, that works out perfectly. What's your name? Where do you work?

10th Caller: Shawn Smith [my coworker couldn't remember his last name]. I work at Acme Construction Company [she couldn't remember the specific construction co. either, but it doesn't matter.]

*during the commercial break, the DJ answers the phone*

Lady: hey, did you just give a guy named Shawn Smith a dozen roses for Valentine's day? And he works at Acme Construction Co.?

DJ: Yeah! Are you his Valentine?

Lady: Yeah.

DJ: I think he's still on the line. Want me to put you through?

Lady: Yes, please.

*the DJ puts the two of them live on the radio*

Lady: So, who's Kelly?

10th Caller: She's just a friend! I swear!

Lady: Well, then can you explain to me why I found her earring in your truck?

DJ: Ma'am, are you his wife?

Lady: Yes! [the rest of what she says is bleeped out.]

DJ: [to 10th Caller] This is your wife? And so Kelly's your girlfriend?

10th Caller: Well...kinda.

[The wife starts cussing at him]

A couple minutes later, the DJ said all the phone lines were jammed from all the people calling in about it. I asked my coworker if it was a big set-up or a joke to play on the listeners. She said she didn't think so--the DJ sounded very shocked, and the woman was cussing up a storm. I'm hoping this will make it to the papers or the Internet, so I can post a link about it...this story is too funny. What an idiot!!

Story #3

This one's about me. When I was a senior in college, I dated this real asshole. (He was the guy with 3 balls, actually). By Valentine's Day, I was hip to his jive, and knew he was cheating on me.

So we are on the phone the day before V Day, and I asked him what I was getting for Valentine's Day. I wanted to see what he'd say. I knew he'd lay on the bullshit really thick. He didn't disappoint.

"Oh, well, I wanted to send you some flowers, and I called around to a bunch of florist shops, but I waited too long and they are all out of flowers. I'm sorry."

Readers, breathe deeply. Can you smell the bullshit?? I couldn't believe he actually expected me to belive that crap.

"Oh, that's ok, sweetie. I don't need flowers," I replied.

"I knew you'd understand. You're awesome," he said.

"I know. I'll talk to you later, ok?" I said.

"Ok, bye. I love you," he said.

"Uh-huh," I answered.

After getting off the phone, I immediately opened up my yellow pages. I turned to "Florist". I called the florist shop directly across the street from where he worked.

"Yes, hi, I'd like to have a dozen roses delivered tomorrow. You're not out, are you?" I asked.

"Oh, no. We've got tons. What color would you like?" says the florist.

"It really doesn't matter. Any color. You can mix them up if you want," I said.

"Oh...really?" she asked.

"Sure!" I said.

"Ok, well, I just need the name and address information from you."

I gave it to her. Along with my credit card number.

"One last thing," she said. "What do you want the card to say?"

"I guess you didn't call this florist shop. They have plenty. Asshole." I said.

I heard the florist stifle a giggle.

"*ahem* Really? I guess you didn't call this florist shop. They have plenty. Asshole. Is that right?"

"That's just perfect!" I said. "Thank you so much!"

To this day, it's the best $50 I've ever spent.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Al Capone ain't got shit to do with this one, honey.

I'm talking about the other VD.

Venereal disease? Or Valentine's Day?

Is there a difference?

Both are humiliating. Both are painful. Both make you feel judged and labeled. Not to mention angry.

I am pretty sure the grand tally now is 5. Five girls I know, including myself, who are currently pissed at men in general. We have been dumped, lied to, lied about, hurt, freaked out, stood up, toyed with, frustrated, cheated on, insulted, used, rejected and had our hearts squashed liked bugs. We have been crying, drinking, smoking, bitching, pill popping, screaming, breaking things and doing a lot of running on treadmills. Every day, it seems, we add to our ranks of Very Angry Women. It is spreading like wildfire and we are sick of it. We are serious. Be afraid. This is a warning. Some of us are good shots. And some of us have access to guns.

We've had enough. We're just going to start killing you now.

Look, men, I'm sure you're all nice guys. Well, most of you. But right now, we are seriously considering hunting you down like scared little bunnies, shooting you dead and skinning your hides. Then we will tack them up to our walls as trophies, complete with a sign saying "My Ex, 2/14/07" or "This is what happens to cheaters." At least, that's what I'm going to do. If I go to jail, at least I'll leave the world a better place.

Don't give me that "oh, look at the bitter single woman!" bullshit. I don't want any comments talking about what I've done to bring this upon myself or how I need to stop being angry/jaded/bitter. Please don't tell me "oh, you'll find a good one soon" or any other corny optimistic bullshit. Keep the "this is why you're single" crap to yourself. Because I hope I'm single for a loooooooong time at this point. And don't you DARE say that I'm being too emotional. I'm not taking any responsibility for any of this crap, and neither are my friends because ALL the responsibility lies with the MEN who pulled this crap on us. In every situation, the guy was responsible 100%. So you can shove your "stop being a victim" comments.

And while I'm at it, men, WTF is up with your entire gender these past two weeks? Because y'all have some serious explaining to do. I think you're all walking backwards on your hands. Looks like your Dickhead Conference was a success. Good job. And y'all wonder why you can't get laid whenever you want...oh, and we just looooooove the timing, btw. Gee, really slick--right before Valentine's Day. What, did you think we wouldn't make the connection? What, you think there won't be 8.17 million women who won't join us? Because they will. They hate Valentine's Day Assholes just as much as we do.

If you are truly a nice guy who hasn't pulled any Asshole Moves lately, then I thank you for being normal, human and kind. I'm sure your girlfriend/wife/S.O./female friend appreciates you very much. Which is good, because you'll need her protection when we come to kill you. If you are a single guy and you can honestly say that you have been a total sweetheart to every woman you know for the past two weeks, we will consider sparing your life. It is, of course, decided on a case-by-case basis. And we'll need testimony from at least 2 ex-girlfriends that you are worthy of living. In writing. Certified by a public notary. By tomorrow.

And to all you happy little couples out there: I'm sure it's great that you're all happy and smiley from feeling loved and appreciated, but can you do the rest of us a favor and knock it off with the PDA this week? Because on Wednesday, you might get a real, actual spitball right on the side of your head. I, myself, will be tripping you as you walk, hand-in-hand down the street. You want to celebrate love? Stay home and have a bonkfest. Leave us angry, single women to our cigarettes, bitching and alcohol. That's right--we claim all drinking establishments. Y'all can have the romantic restaurants, flowers, peni, chocolate and cards. Fair enough?

If you are reading this and thinking, "I'm dating someone, but I hate Valentine's Day, too!", zip it. I don't want to hear from you. Right now, I'm only interested in talking to other single, angry women. Preferably the ones who hate men just as much as I do right now. So unless you'd like to give me some extra bullets you've got laying around, and you're willing to help us kill them, then you have no idea what we are going through right now. You can be my friend on Thursday.

Until then, look for my mug shot in the papers.

Whew. I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent and daydream for a minute.

Gosh, it's a good thing I'm not armed, isn't it? How much do guns cost?

Friday, February 09, 2007

Hello? Fun Friday?

Ok, Blogger just made me switch. I had no choice, I promise! The good news is, now I can put labels on my posts, like "Why I'm Weird" or "Freakishly Long Toes" or "Asshole". Cool!

I'm all about organization.

The bad news? I'm worried this messed up my RSS feed. So if you're used to getting me via your feed reader, and this blog isn't feeding anymore, please tell me so I can throw a hissy.

So today I'm wondering just how bad this month can get. Not only do I and some of my friends have man problems, (seriously, was there an Asshole Convention or something??) but last night I got pulled over. Oh wait, the cop was a man. I'll just add him to the list, too. Whoop-de-friggin do.

Like a complete moron, I was going 50 in a 35. (I was so hungry, all I was thinking about was eating. I know, so lame. He didn't buy it either. But I was seriously starved!) So I wasn't paying attention. Now I'm looking at 4 points and $180 if I don't show up at my court date. If I do show up, he'll "help me out", whatever the hell that means. He'll change it to 2 points? Lowered fine? He'll go fuck himself?

Guess I'll find out. But what I want to know is, why not just lower the damn points now??? It's not like I'm not going to show up. Just save everyone some trouble and do it now, jerkface.

When he was writing me the ticket, all I could think was, "OMG, this is karma in action! This is what I get for ratting out Repo!!!!" And then I thought, "Well, if so, then this is worth it."

But now I'm thinking this is maybe what I get for telling Cop 2 I didn't see it going anywhere??

Karma is one mysterious bitch. With a lot of explaining to do.

Anyway, TGIF. This week was the longest week ever. It just dragged for me. But now it's weekend time! I have lots of plans with all my wonderful girls. I just love them all to death. So I'm excited. Oh, I just remembered I have new shoes I can wear, too. *happy sigh*

K is out of town, so Sammy and I have the house to ourselves. Aside from playing with my iPod and retrospectively labeling all my posts (shut up, I am anal) , I'll clean the pigsty that is my room, catch up on some episodes of Rome, use up the rest of my disposable camera and hit the gym.

Why am I telling you this? See, I told you my life is pretty ho-hum right now. I apologize. To make up for it, I have some Fun Friday links for you:

Ask a Ninja (too freakin' funny! Plus, you can download episodes from iTunes)

Sticker Giant (If you like Cafe Press, you'll love this one. Click on "Fridge Magnets" and then "Retro Funny"-- you will die. My favorite? "Your proctologist called. They found your head.")

Bored with your playlist? Want to see what other people are listening to? Check out fitPod. It has tons of playlists you can check out so your next workout won't be so boring. Also check out FIQL for playlists of all types. They have even more.

Finally, I am sharing a video with you. Not surprisingly, what I find funny is usually not appropriate at work or around children. If this doesn't bother you either, then you have something in common with Margaret Cho, too.

Have a good weekend, guys!!!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Thursday 13

Argh. My post was eaten! Bad Mozilla! Bad!

I had originally wanted to make a list of my favorite healthy foods, but then I got smart and realized no one wants to read that, right? *crickets chirping* So that's why, instead, I present to you...

Thirteen Celebrities/Fictional Characters I Hope I Never Have to Sit Next To on a Plane

1. Carrot Top (there is a reason he's #1. Can. Not. Stand. Him.)

2. Hannibal Lecter, Dracula or anyone else who wants part of my body for their own personal consumption

3. Norman Bates or Charles Manson. Psychopaths in general.

4. Barney (obviously)

5. The alien from Aliens -- all that goo dripping onto my book? Ugh!

6. The Budweiser frogs ("Bud..." "Weis...." "Er..." x 673 = total insanity)

7. Michael Jackson (Don't feel I need to explain that one...)

8. Richard Simmons (I think I would end up suffocating him with a pillow)

9. The Energizer Bunny (OMG, can you imagine???)

10. Kim-Jong Il (I don't care how "wonewy" he is, I don't wanna sit next to him!)

11. Kathy Griffin (I'm not picking on redheads! It's just a coincidence that I don't like her!)

12. Rosie O'Donnell (She's really just a big, fat mouth with legs, isn't she? Shaddap already!!)

13. Jar Jar Binks (See #8, above)

Surprisingly, I wouldn't put any of the following on the list, because although they are annoying, they might be entertaining on a plane ride:

Paris Hilton and/or Nicole Richie (it would be fun to see just how stupid they are)
Star Jones (I'm curious to see just how much of a diva she really is!)
K-Fed (ok, who am I kidding...he's a waste of space)
Courtney Love (she'd probably be wacked out on something, which is always entertaining)
Joan Rivers (she'd be fun to talk to -- you could make fun of people together)
Matthew Lesko (he could probably hook me up with some sweet deals, at least)
The Travelocity Gnome (although those commercials are stupid, I'd probably get a great deal!)
Tom Cruise or any Scientologist (just listening to them explain the loony beliefs of their cult would make the trip go by faster!)

Who'd I miss? I know there's got to be more....

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


What can I say, folks? It's a slow news day. Since there is not much of consequence going on in VB Land, I will give you a little peek into some random thoughts in my brain lately...

1. If reincarnation exists, I want to come back as someone in the music industry. Maybe a songwriter. Because there are so many life situations for which no song has been written. When you are upset about something, there should be a song that is perfect for it. If I can't come back as a songwriter, I'd like to be a professional playlist maker. Ever look at playlists available on mp3 sites, like Napster? They are so lame: Dinner Party, 80s Girl Bands, An Evening of Jazz, etc. No offense to jazz fans or throwers of dinner parties. And I love me some Bananarama as much as the next girl, but where are the playlists people actually need? Ones like

I Am Going to Kill Your Ex-Wife if She Calls You One More Time
What if He Really is the Father?
Don't You Know He's Lying?
I Hate my Job

When Do I Get to Say 'I Told You So'?
Mom, You are Really Pissing Me Off Today
I Am So Onto Your Bullshit
Burning Up Calories and Anger On the Treadmill

2. I recently read on Wikipedia that Mormons are known for having an affinity for Jell-O. Green Jell-O in particular. This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night, so if anyone knows more about this, please tell me. Any Mormons reading this? Because this little factoid really begs for explanation. Then again, I got it from Wikipedia, which isn't the most reliable of sources...

3. My new obsession? Statcounter. I heart it. Right now, as you are reading this, I can see where you are. So stop picking your nose. That's disgusting. Get a kleenex. Just kidding. No, I can see what town you are in and how long you're on here. Which is kinda cool. It would be cooler if I could get your street address from it so I can really stalk you. Unfortunately, there are these things called "Privacy Laws." They are to protect "Haters". Who doesn't want me ringing their front doorbell? If you knew me, you'd be all about it. But what's really fun are the phrases people use to find this blog. (Yes, Virginia, there really is a phrase lister!) Some of my favorites so far:

life in diapers (um, what?)
OCD mid-30s (ok, I can kind of understand that one...)
ten reasons to date frat brothers (also understandable, considering my college exploits...)
Virginia Bell big boobs (If you don't know who that is, click here. And no, I am not 75.)
hard to meet people after college (tell me about it!)
best avatar ever (why, thank you!)
I want a fling (and I want a million dollars, but hey, you never get everything you want! Actually, this one makes no sense to me, as I am not much for "flings". Except that one time.)
optimistic cliches (talk about bad search engine results...Little Miss Sunshine I am not.)
what do women think of jock straps (funny, I was just talking about that...)
jackson pollock myspace layout (WTF??)

Then, of course, there were the perverted ones:

virtual lap dances (why, oh why, does my blog come up as a hit for that??)
crotch pics blogspot (ok, now this one is a little more believable. I have posted pics of my crotch before. Not!)

But my all-time favorite so far has been:

peel a banana with your toes

Because I always joke around about being able to do that! I don't know if I could, but I bet I'd get farther than a lot of people. I should try sometime...

4. I lost my favorite work-out CD. This is bothering me entirely more than it should be. I think I left it at the gym. Apparently other people also like Rob Zombie. Who knew?

5. If you met me in real life, you'd be really, really surprised that I listen to that kind of music. Yeah, I'm preppy and WASPy, but I have a dark side.

6. Ok, who am I kidding. No I don't. I just like to think I do.

7. Why You Might Hate Me, Reason #45: It's mid-60s here today. I am wearing a short-sleeved shirt. It's sunny, too. Ha ha! Bite me. Go ahead. You have nothing else to do, anyway. You're buried under 4 feet of snow.

8. Have I told you how obsessed I am with British slang? And how I am on a campaign to have it popularized in the US? Seriously, I love America, but their slang is far superior to ours, guys. Snogging, how's your father, bollocks, dog's bollocks, arse, shag, bloody, dodgy, beastly, fancy, cheerio, Bob's your uncle, brassed off, goolies, bugger off, knickers, honking, cheeky, chin wag, cock up, cracking, crusty dragon, daft, gallivanting, gormy, jammy, jolly good, knackered, take the piss, wanker, wonker...I could go on and on. I luuuuurve it.

9. This is my new favorite website.

Ok, that's it for now. I'm off to the gym and then to help MJ shop for a new outfit for a date with a new hottie! You go, MJ!!!

Monday, February 05, 2007

A Lot of Balls

Repo update: She took him back. Which was in some ways surprising, and in other ways not. I was cheated on when I was her age, so I know how hard it is to admit it to yourself. And cheaters are very charming and persuasive people, capable of selling a refrigerator to an Eskimo. He's got balls for lying about it and taking the gamble that she'll never figure it out or believe him. One day she'll figure it out. And he'll get what's coming to him. There's no escaping karma.

Thanks to everyone for leaving supportive comments. It means a lot to me.

And whomever "Anonymous" is, they definitely need to work on their reading comprehension skills.

But enough about that. There's nothing I can do about the situation, so there's no point in obsessing about it anymore.

I had a really good weekend with my girlfriends. Friday I met up for happy hour at Wild Wings with my friends W & E. They were also meeting up with a goup of about 8 other people--none of whom I had ever met. Everyone was really friendly, but due to the size of the group, I ended up sitting at one end of the table with W, E and W's Boyfriend. I began talking to W's Boyfriend about jock straps and how I have questions about them. This discussion morphed into a discussion about balls, which led me to share the information that in college I had dated a guy with three balls. (Ironically, it was the guy I referred to above--the one who cheated on me).

Every time I bring up the fact that I've dated a guy with three balls, I get asked the following questions:

1. Did they all work? Yes, he had them tested by a doctor. Or so he said.

2. Were they all the same size? Yes.

3. Did he have extra spunk? I honestly don't remember. I think so...

4. How were they arranged? He had two on one side, stacked on top of each other and a loner on the other side.

I hope I just answered all your questions. Anyway, I'm talking about this 3-Balled guy, and somehow the story drifts all the way down the table. As I'm still talking to W's Boyfriend about it, I am tapped on my shoulder. I turn towards the rest of the group. Now, keep in mind that I haven't even really been introduced to any of these people. Don't really know them from Adam. And as I turn my head, I discover that all 8 or so of them are staring at me, and they are all shouting the same thing-- "He had THREE BALLS?"

"Yeah," I replied, "He had the biggest nut sack I've ever seen in my life!"

And they all cracked up.

Then they asked the obligatory questions (see above) and we all laughed about it. The men at the table teased me incessantly for the rest of the night. "You must have the gag reflex of a porn star!" one of them said.

"Oh God," I thought, my face turning beet red.

And then I realized I had just told 8 strangers about my experience with 3-Ball. And now, since they didn't know my real name, I would probably be referred to as "Ball Girl". Super. Way to make a first impression, VB.

After a while, W, W's Boyfriend, E and I left and went to Jillian's. There, we continued the discussion about balls, which morphed into a discussion about how to avoid being thought of as a tease by men. How to communicate that you want a fling vs. a relationship. And how to date significantly younger men successfully, because they are easily confused by older women in the fling vs. relationship department. It was a very heated discussion, let me tell you. We ribbed E a lot, because she has been sending mixed signals to a younger guy.

Then I left to meet up with MJ and KT at The Hunter-Gatherer (great name for a bar, huh?) to see one of our favorite bluegrass bands, Loch Ness Johnny. Unfortunately, the lead singer had recently had back surgery, so there was a (far inferior) substitute band. After quick updates on our lives, we tried to figure out where we should go to get away from this awful band. But after about 15 minutes of vetoed ideas, we were out of alternative bars. By then, I was exhausted and MJ and KT were also ready for bed. So we called it a night.

Saturday was spent running errands and figuring out my whole iPod situation. My computer wasn't recognizing it or charging it. According to the lady at Best Buy and mysmileisfake (thank you, btw), I probably had 1.0 USB ports, when I really needed 2.0. So I bought a 2.0 USB port.

When I got home, I saw that Navy Guy had come for a visit. (That's my roommate's on-again, off-again boyfriend.) I love Navy Guy. He is just a total sweetheart. He showed me how to install it all by myself, which saved me $40. It was so easy! He also told me why my computer is so slow- I need more RAM. He showed me how to install that for whenever I bought it.

So we plugged my iPod in again. Nothing happened. K plugged her MP3 player in, and it worked fine. We decided it was a faulty iPod, so I returned it and got another one. It is working perfectly! I can't believe it. I'm going to go home and play with it after work today.

I was too tired to go out Saturday night, so I watched Season One of HBO's Big Love. It is my new favorite show. Love it.

Last night, I met up with The Nurses for the Superbowl. We went to The Dam Bar (It's right by the Lake Murray Dam, hence the name) and got a booth. Unfortunately, our seats were bad and none of us could see the tvs very well. By halftime, we gave up and all went home. I fell asleep before the game was over, so I didn't know the Colts won until this morning. I'm happy, though.

Friday, February 02, 2007


I'm tired. I am going on about 4 hours of sleep right now. My tummy feels funny. I have a headache. And I'm starving. This is all a direct result of yesterday's events. (See last post).

Stress makes me not want to eat. So food in general doesn't seem very appealing to me. It seems I should be thinking, "Hey! In that case, I should be eating healthy, low-cal stuff, like salad!" Alas, I fear there is nothing on earth that would ever make me actually want a salad. *gags*

In the past 24 hours, I've eaten about half of what I normally do. According to my scale, I've lost 4 pounds in one day. But I know that can't be right, so I am saying I've only lost two. Gotta love the stress diet.

To make it even sweeter, Repo got dumped yesterday. As a consequence, I was also deleted from his friends list. (F**ker beat me to it.) I can't say that I wasn't happy to hear the news. I grinned like an idiot all afternoon. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't happy to hear it. Now I am left with pity for the girlfriend and resentment towards him. I've definitely had 100% closure at this point. I hope his dick falls off, to be perfectly honest. At least then, he would start thinking with his brain and possibly do something productive with his life.

But you know what? I'm done. Done talking about him, thinking about him, spending energy on him. I've done that entirely too much already. He's not worth my time or my energy. So I'll change the subject. He is dead to me.

I bought an iPod Shuffle the other day. One of the tiny clip-on ones, so I can use it at the gym. But my computer won't recognize that there is new hardware. And iTunes won't, either. I think that this is because my home computer is about 4 years old, and the USB ports aren't the right kind. So it's not even charging. Grrrrr....

Any iPod experts out there? Can anyone help me? Should I buy a charger and charge the iPod first and then try again on my computer? Or should I just return it/think about getting a new computer? I don't want to do my iTunes on my work computer for several reasons which I won't get into right now.

I'd love to get a new home computer, but I'd also like a new mattress set, a savings account, slipcovers for my couch, less credit card debt, brakes for my car....I could go on and on. So a new computer is both expensive and non-necessary. Besides, if I do get one, I'd want a laptop, which is even more expensive. (Can anyone recommend one, while I'm on the subject?)

I think this is where gambling addictions come from. Because lottery ticket investment is sounding good to me right now. I just need about $10k and I would be set.

Surprisingly, the first thing I would do if presented with $10k right now would be to take a friggin nap. I'm exhausted. I went out from 9am to 1am last night. I had fun, but I'm hating life today. Headache, stomach ache...etc. Just from stress and exhaustion. I went to Wild Wings downtown to meet up with Nurse P for a quick drink. But the 90s cover band, Tokyo Joe, was so loud, it was bothering my headache and my queasy stomach. So I said goodbye to her and went to meet up with MJ at a jazz/cigar bar called The Speakeasy. They had a Sinatra-ish/Big Band type band. Much kinder to my head, and quiet enough for me to fill MJ and KT in on The Repo Situation. They were shocked and appalled by his behavior, and very supportive of my decision. Then we chain smoked and bashed him for about a half hour.

This is why I love my girlfriends.

We decided to go back to Wild Wings because although I currently despise men, there were a lot of cuties there. I can hate and still look. Soon I was so hungry, my stomach was growling and my hands were shaky. I was not feeling well at all. It was bedtime.

So I collapse into my bed, thinking, "Oh, I'm so tired, I should fall right to sleep." Nope. Insomnia. Going over and over in my head all of what had happened that day. Getting worked up about it and feeling guilty and angry and depressed. And I was too hungry to sleep because my stomach was growling, but too lazy to get up and do something about it. So I just tossed and turned until I fell asleep about 45 minutes later.

I think I'm going to go home early. As in, in the next 10 minutes. Blech.

But let me tell you my weekend plans: tonight I'm meeting up with my girls W & E for happy hour again. We did it last week, too, and I just love these two chicks to pieces. We have a lot to catch up on! Then I'm meeting up later with MJ so we can go see our favorite bluegrass band, Loch Ness Johnny.

I think I have plans for Saturday, but I'm too tired to remember what they are right now. If you are reading this, and you are planning on hanging out with me sometime tomorrow, you're going to have to give me a reminder call. Obviously.

Sunday is, of course, The Superbowl. I know MJ will hate me, but I'm rooting for The Colts. (To my credit, I was rooting for Da Bears until the Colts won!) Nurse P and Brunette are coming to my house to watch the game and help me get rid of my leftover beer.

Ugh, ok, I'm done. Naptime......

Thursday, February 01, 2007


For those of you who think my posts this week have been kind of boring, do not fear. This one's juicy.

Trust me.

And I don't really care who reads this or what they think. I'm going to lay it all out on the line. The whole truth and nothing but. I'm not holding back on this one. (See? I told ya this was juicy.)

So this morning I was on myspace. (Some of you are groaning already, I can hear you!) By browsing around on some friends' and friend-of-friends' pages, I managed to put two and two together:

My ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend. That's right. Repo is dating someone.

After about 45 minutes of crying and some phone calls and emails to my wonderfully supportive friends (you know who you are), I felt like I was going to hurl.

Was I hurt? You betcha. I was crushed. He'd rather be with someone else. Enough to date her and refer to her as "girlfriend". I had always secretly hoped we would get back together, because honestly, my feelings for him never really went away. We still talk and flirt. My ego was majorly bruised-- I had always hoped I'd be the first to find someone, the first to officially move on. I know he hasn't always been Mr. Perfect by any wild stretch of the imagination, but you can't help whom you love. So this was kind of a blow.

Then again, it's not like I didn't realize today was going to happen eventually. I wish that knowing that would help you prepare, but it doesn't. It's still upsetting.

So I was crying and feeling hurt about it, until I thought..."Hey...wait a second..."

[Ok, this is the part that is really hard for me to admit on my blog...because to be honest, I'm pretty ashamed of be kind, peeps. I know what I've done is stupid.]

My wheels started turning. You see, the thing is, I've been sleeping with him on and off since we broke up last July. As recently as a couple of weeks ago. He's told me he misses me, he's lonely, thinks about me, etc. The whole spiel. (He gave me the spiel in Oct-Nov-ish. It was mushy enough to keep me going and believing that something might actually happen between us again one day.)

So for me to read that he has a girlfriend, my first thought is obviously, "Ok, how long have they been dating? And how do I find out?"

A mutual friend, of course. I texted her.

Well, it turns out that he's been dating the girl since early October. I have been The Other Woman for 4 months. This is not how I roll. I am not cool with this at all. I felt terrible about unknowingly being "that girl". His poor girlfriend probably had no idea! He'd been lying to me about being single all this time. (Every time he came over, it would come up and we would ask each other if we were dating anyone. He told me every time he was single. Not dating anyone.) He had been lying to her. Making both of us look like idiots. (When really, I can make a complete idiot out of myself, by myself. I don't need any help in that department!!)

That's when I started to get pissed off. Which, as my fellow females know, feels a helluva lot better than feeling hurt. I was mad at him for lying to me, lying to her, putting me and her in these positions, making fools out of us, thinking we were stupid and one of us wouldn't figure it out, thinking that I would cover for him...the list went on and on.

Did I mention he talked shit about a girl we both know because she cheated on her boyfriend???? So he's a hypocrite to boot.

Asshole. Just typing that makes me so pissed at myself for even dating him in the first place. I've had adreneline surging throught my veins since about 11:30am! Where was I? Oh yeah.

So I'm talking to the mutual friend, trying to find out how long they've been dating. "Why?" she asks. Believing that the girlfriend was only an acquaintance of hers, I inform her that I think Repo has been cheating on his girlfriend. With me.

"That asshole! That's my best friend!" she replied.

Oh boy. Well, shit. Me and my big mouth. I thought she just knew the girl, I didn't know they were friggin best friends. Now the cat was out of the bag. Oops. I hadn't planned on telling the girlfriend, but it was really too late for that. (Then again, I wasn't going to lose any sleep over it, either. He's an asshole and brought all of this upon himself.)

"What should we do?" we both asked.

"She should hear it from you so she gets it from the horse's mouth," she said.

"No one wants to hear that from a stranger! Tell her to call me if she wants to and I will tell her everything she needs to know. And tell her I am sorry and that I would never ever do that to someone if I knew."

She said she'd tell the girlfriend and call me back. She did, and they called me. The three of us talked about it--they asked me questions, I gave them information--where, when, what he said, what I knew, what I didn't know, etc. Lots of details. I told her I was really sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but no one wants to be the last to know or be made a fool. I told her that although I wasn't as hurt as she probably was, that I was also hurt by him. He had lied to both of us. I apologized to her because I never ever would have done what I did had I known he was dating someone. I told her I asked him several times if he was dating someone and he said he wasn't. I said I knew no one likes hearing all of this, especially from a stranger, but she should probably know. She said she was sorry too. But she thanked me and got off the phone.

A little bit later, she texted me to say that he was denying everything and blaming the whole thing on me. Saying that I was just causing trouble. She apologized for the way he was behaving. I told her not to believe him, because he was putting lies on top of lies. I told her I have proof -- because I do. (Seriously, what a moron! Just fess up! The show's over! You've been called out. Try and save a little bit of dignity!! Own up to your faults like a man!)

Then she said something very interesting: "He has MRSA right now. Do you think he caught it from you?"

[Note to new readers: Repo and I have been suffering from MRSA, a staph infection. We seem to keep giving it back and forth to each other. One doctor did say that it could have been passed through "close, personal, skin-on-skin contact" -- ie, sex. But no one really knows for sure how we caught it or why it keeps coming back. You can read the backstory here. And here. And here.]

Well, the funny thing is, the last MRSA outbreak I had was back in October, just a day after he and I had hooked up. (We had a lull in the booty calls between November and December. So we only seem to be catching MRSA in months where we are hooking up.) Interesting coincidence. So I am thinking that maybe he and I really are just giving it back and forth to each other. I told her there isn't any way to be sure, but that I had caught it from him before, and so maybe he had now caught it from me. I said that it was a possibility.

I don't know if she believes me. She probably hates me. Can't really say I blame her. I can tell she is sorry this whole situation is even taking place. We both apologized to each other a few times. I feel really bad about the timing, too--right before Valentine's Day. But better now than later, right? I mean, if I were being cheated on, I would definitely want to know, ASAP. And although I didn't plan on doing this (I was going to gather information and think about it for a while before making up my mind), I do think he ought to be ashamed of himself. Running all over town, hurting people and lying to them. Talking shit about people who are doing the same thing he's doing! Mr. High and Mighty. When we broke up, he told me he "just didn't have time for a relationship." Well, that's pretty funny, because for the past 4 months, he's had time for TWO at the same time. But the lying and lack of concern for how his actions affect others is what really gets under my skin. And then denying it when he's called out!!!! What a spineless asshole!!!

I don't know if she believed me or not. But based on the extremely pissed off text messages I received from Repo about an hour ago, I can only assume he's in hot water. He thinks I'm "psycho" and "ruining his life". But I didn't intend to start shit. I was just trying to get some info. By the time I got it, it was too late. And to be honest, I won't lose any sleep over it. He has no one to blame but himself. Now three women hate him.

I let him have it, too, when he started giving me shit. I asked him if he had cheated on me, too. Asked him if his mother would be proud of him. Told him he was a hypocrite and an asshole. I think I called him an asshole twice.

I am so glad we broke up. Because if we were still dating, he would probably be cheating on me with her. Now I see him for who he really is. As far as closure goes, this pretty much does it for me.

I am honestly starting to believe men are total scumbags. All of them (except my brothers and my guy pals, that is!).

People wonder what makes women crazy. Or why they are bitches. They wonder why some women are bitter or have attitudes. This is why. I'm pretty much done with men. For a long while. They won't be missed. I am on strike. The whole damn gender can kiss my ass. I don't care if Julian McMahon hits on me. I'll throw the drink in his face and tell him to go...well, you know.

Ok, I need to cool off and go read some blogs until it's 9pm. Then I'm meeting up w/MJ for drinks. We're going to have a bitch-a-thon about how much we hate men. Her day was pretty close to mine. We're both pretty anti-male right now.