Sick Puppy

Note to readers: This is one of those posts where you should not eat and read. So put down your lunch.

This is a photo of my dog, Sammy. Yesterday, Sammy went to the vet to have some teeth pulled. Yes, I know I should brush my dog's teeth and yadda yadda yadda. Trust me, I have a pretty hefty guilt trip about it and I have sworn on all things holy to start brushing his teeth ASAP. But it was too late to save a couple of them, so he had to be put under so they could be removed. Just like humans, dogs must have empty tummies before being put under anesthesia. So poor Sammy didn't get to eat that morning.

After I got off work, I picked him up. The combination of anesthesia, pain killers and antibiotics left him looking pretty ill. He was lethargic and wobbly. The vet said that he will be like that for maybe a day, because the anesthesia had to wear off.

I took him home, and waited an hour to feed him, like the vet told me. I fed him half of what I normally fed him, and added water to the food so it would be soft, just like the vet told me. I also gave him one of the painkillers the vet had given me. Since Sammy was sick and I had a headache, we vegged out on the couch together all night. He was really not himself, poor little thing.

This morning, everything seemed to be fine -- Sammy was a littler perkier and seemed more like himself. So I gave him one of his antibiotic capsules before I forgot. Which was stupid of me, because I am Barf Queen, and I should have remembered one of the Laws of Barf:

Empty tummy + antibiotics = barf

So the medicine came back up. Realizing what I had done wrong, I decided to give Sammy some canned dog food and then tried again to give him his medicine.

He was starved, so he pretty much wolfed it down as usual. I followed it up with the antibiotic. Everything was fine for about an hour.

Then I went to go get ready for work. I came out of the bathroom a little later to find....

Tons of barf. It was everywhere. And not just in one spot, either -- it was like Sammy had made a lap around the room, barfing as he went. There was a giant circle of chunky, pinkish-reddish barf in my living room.

And of course, true to my level of luck, it was all on the carpet, rather than the easy-to-clean linoleum. I sighed and looked at my dog.

Sammy had that look on his face that he has when he does something wrong. Aw. My poor baby. He thought he was in trouble! So I reassured him that everything was ok, and began cleaning it up.

"Well, his tummy just needs to calm down still. I will try feeding him tonight when I get home," I thought. Worried, I decided to call the vet anyway. She said that it is just taking him longer to recover than usual, and just to give it time, and don't let him eat any more food for a while.

I went back to getting ready for work.

Sammy barfed again.

And again.

And again.

Seven pools of dog barf later, I was totally out of paper towels and rags. I was now running late for work, and my house smelled like carpet cleaner. Aw, man! I wish Sammy could just barf once and get it all over with, you know?

Hurrying around to get ready and clean up, I suddenly remembered that I had some leftover dog medicine for vomiting, from a while back. So I gave one of the pills to Sammy before I left for work today. CN is going to check on him in a little bit, but hopefully he will be ok now.

Poor little guy. He hasn't eaten in two days. :( And he looks so pathetic!!!



In other news, I went to my Big Brothers Big Sisters orientation. I am so excited about volunteering for them!! But first, I have to have a 2 hour interview, where they will ask me all kinds of stuff, including, but not limited to:

- my use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco
- whether or not I own firearms/have them in the house
- my living situation (ie, roommates, pets, etc.)
- my sexual orientation (I'm sure they will have questions about CN, since he lives so close to me)
- any abuse/neglect I have experienced in my life
- what my childhood was like and what my relationships with my family members are like
- why I want to volunteer for them

I figured these would be the sort of things they'd ask me about. And it's fine -- I totally understand, and I'm glad they ask the important questions. But I am afraid I'm going to cry during the interview!!! There's no way I can answer these questions without talking about my brother's death, my father's death, all the alcoholism in my family, my own alcoholism and the sexual assault I had in college. (No, I was not raped, but it was an act that I was forced into and I was physically restrained during it. So it's not exactly the highlight of my college experience. It's not a huge deal for me to talk about it, but it's not a picnic, either.)

It is about 4 weeks until my interview. So I have time to mentally prepare myself to talk about pretty much all the crap in my life in one go. Ugh. Anyway, after that, if my references check out and they like who I am and what I say during the interview (ie, I am not a danger to any child), they will start to look for a Little Sister for me. I was disappointed to hear that this process might take about 6 months. :( But it's just that they want to make sure they pair you up with someone who you can hang out with over the long term. So I understand.

They have encouraged us to think about what kind of a Little we are looking for. We have to think about what sorts of issues we are willing to deal with: behavioral, abuse, domestic violence, physical disability, etc. It's kind of a weird feeling, to sit here and think "yes" or "no" about some kid's life experience. A kid who has been having a rough go of things. And here I am, deciding what I can tolerate. But I understand why they want us to do this. Not everyone can handle every type of situation. And sometimes, if you have been in the same situation as the kid, you are a better match for them. So in the long run, I think it's good, the way they do this. You don't want to go through the whole process, only to back out of it 4 months later. These kids have enough problems, without you getting their hopes up.

Another thing they encouraged us to do was to do free or low-cost activities with the kids. Not only do you not want to feel resentment towards the kid about the money you spend, you don't want to spoil the kid or cause a rift between you and the parent. Most of the parents in this program don't have a lot of money, and you don't want to swoop down with your credit card and "save the day". Splitting the cost with the parents and doing something special for the kid's birthday are fine, but you don't want to be a walking wallet. It's just not a good idea. This is fine with me, because as we all know, I am trying to budget, anyway!

So I guess that is all I have for right now. The ball won't really get rolling until I go to my interview and cry when the lady brings up all my personal stuff! :P

Stories of My Family, Part 1

I was talking about The Czarina's parents the other day, and realized I have never blogged about them. So here we go!

Let's do Grandpa John first. His parents met in a very interesting way. His dad (Thomas), the son of Irish immigrants, may or may not have immigrated to the U.S. illegally! You see, his parents came over after the Great Potato Famine, but settled at first in Canada. Then, things get a little fuzzy, and suddenly they are in Wisconsin, claiming to be natural-born U.S. Citizens on the census, which we know is not true. So we think there is some illegal border-crossing going on somewhere. Anyway, Thomas went to law school at the University of Wisconsin, after convincing them that he is also a U.S. Citizen, although we think he was born in Canada.

A few years later, he was on vacation from his job as a lawyer/businessman in Virginia. He decided to go to a resort in Hot Springs, Arkansas. At almost 50, it was well-believed by the family that he would just end up an old bachelor.

Meanwhile, a young lady named Mary Ellen was going on a trip. She and her sister and mother were leaving Ireland to go visit some relatives in Denver, Colorado. (They were actually going to visit James Denver, a distant cousin whom the city was named after -- cool, huh? Yeah, I have a Colorado connection!)

Ok, um...I just read that Wikipedia entry, and now I am not so sure they were actually going to Denver, or if they were just visiting Cousin Denver in Washington, DC...because apparently, after 1858, Cousin Denver only went to Denver for visits--he didn't live there anymore. And I know all of this took place after 1858.......hmmm.......will have to ask Czarina about that.

Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes.

Since it was a long trip, the women decided to take a break in -- you guessed it -- Hot Springs, Arkansas. They stayed at the same resort where Thomas was. Although she was half his age, it was love at first sight and they got married right away. Mary Ellen, her sister and her mother never went back to Ireland! They all moved with Mary Ellen and Thomas to Norfolk, Virginia. That branch of my family--the Irish branch-- is still there.

They had 4 kids. The 2nd one was my Grandpa John. Family legend states that John was very rascally and often in trouble with authority figures! He was not malicious or anything, just acting like little boys do. (I like to say that this behavior is genetic, as my brothers were also totally obnoxious children.)

Unfortunately for the family, the birth of the fourth and youngest child (a girl) did not go very well. Mary Ellen needed a blood transfusion. But this was before anyone really understood blood types--all they knew was that sometimes transfusions worked, and sometimes they didn't. It was a roll of the dice. And Mary Ellen apparently got the wrong kind of blood, and so she died soon afterwards. Everyone in the family took it very, very hard.

Sad, I know. But it's ok. If you have read Angela's Ashes, you know by now that the Irish race is full of sad stories. But sometimes they are happy and sometimes they are funny. Ok, back to the story.

Soon after Mary Ellen died, the 1929 stock market crash hit, and all of Thomas's investments and businesses went belly up. The financial ruin, combined with the sudden loss of his wife and the worries about raising 4 young children (when he was already so old) were too much for Thomas to handle, so he basically locked himself in a room and turned into an alcoholic.

Crap. This is sad again, I know! But this is my family, so I can't just make up stuff here. There are lots of Irish alcoholics in my family, unfortunately...as you will soon see....

Meanwhile, the kids were running amok because Thomas was too drunk to take care of them. And since there was no money, there were lots of unpaid bills. So their Aunt and Grandma stepped in and cared for the kids. They sent the boys to military school (which they hated) and the only daughter ended up being raised by the Aunt. Then Aunt and Grandma sold everything in the house to pay the bills. (The only things we have left from that house are a chair and a clock!) They even had to sell the house. Thomas ended up living in a hotel and dying in poverty, I believe. (Ugh, sorry this is so depressing guys...but Irish families rarely have happy stories.)

Ok, so meanwhile, my Grandpa John graduates from military school and moves back to Norfolk, where he becomes a soda jerk, moves into a boarding house with his brother* and proceeds to pursue his new favorite hobby: alcoholism. It was at this point when the Great Depression really kicked in. Talk about bad timing.

This is where it gets kinda foggy. Although Grandpa John eventually quit drinking, as you will see later on in my story, he was always ashamed of it and didn't like to talk about the Great Depression when he was basically wasted and unemployed for an entire decade. (Can you blame him?) All we know is that during the Great Depression, he was a hobo who rode the empty freight train cars and he spent some time in Chicago. During this time, he also discovered a passion: journalism. But that's all he ever told anyone.

I like to think, with my overactive imagination, that he was a member of 'Bugs' Moran's North Side Gang, which was an Irish gang involved in prostitution, racketeering and gambling rings and fought continuously with Al Capone's gang, culminating in the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

But that is purely speculation.

And vehemently denied by my mother. Who apparently, has no imagination.

So who knows what my grandpa really did besides jump trains and drink cheap booze between 1929-1939. I guess I will never know. When WWII did break out, Grandpa John decided that putting himself at risk of death every day was worth it to have food in his mouth, so he went to join the military. Unfortunately, he was soon kicked out because he was drunk all the time. Oops. Now what?

Bad, I know. But it's ok. It gets better.

At any rate, thank goodness for World War II's effect on the U.S. economy, or else I may not be here today. Gramps probably would have ended up in a gutter somewhere, pulling a Jimmy Hendrix, asphyxiating on his own vomit or something.

But that didn't happen. What happened was, the U.S. entered WWII, and we needed to build some planes. A LOT of planes. That is when Boeing got a big-ass government contract and hired thousands of people to build planes at their huge building facilities in Washington state. It was sort of like an army base, only it was full of civilians who built airplanes. Lots of Rosie the Riveters.

They had so many employees (we are talking about 50,000 here) that it became necessary to have employee housing. Which means they will need schools, a hospital, grocery stores, and everything else a large group of people would need. Including a newspaper.

Grandpa John somehow managed to get a job with Boeing. He was in charge of the factory base's newspaper. And one day, he went over to the headquarters building to interview one of the Boeing Big Shots...........

Ok, that's all for today.

When does he meet Virginia? Does Grandpa John ever stop drinking alcohol? Or is VB's mother conceived in a drunken hook up? What happens on the interview? Stay tuned to see what happens next!!

* I actually just found this out recently, because I was geeking out in a genealogy database, and looked him up in the U.S. Census of 1930. I was so excited, I called The Czarina, who had no clue her dad had ever been a soda jerk, let alone rented an apt with his brother!

Six

I've been tagged by Smug to do that "6 Weird Facts About You" meme. Which is funny, because I've already done it here and here. And I have done 100 Things About Me. Twice. But what are blogs, if not self-involved, right?

Besides, I still have writer's block. So being tagged is good for me, but bad for you. Ha ha! Let's see.

1. Careers I have thought about pursuing include: real estate agent, writer, pastry chef, travel agent, something in PR, something in advertising/marketing, staff member for a Congressman/Senator, make-up artist, shoe designer, nanny for a disgustingly wealthy family, location scout, someone who does a lot of research to see if it's a good idea to build that housing development/shopping mall/skyscraper there, history professor, school district superintendent, personal assistant. And of course, my dream job: high school principal. At a BIG high school.

2. One of my biggest pet peeves are people who won't take "no" for an answer. Drives me INSANE. I dislike pushy people in general, actually. This goes for salesmen, mothers, customers, colleagues...anyone.

3. I hate the Post Office. Every time I'm in one, I spend my 20 minutes waiting in line thinking of ways to make the Post Office more efficient. By the time I get to the front of the line, I want to scream. Inefficiency also drives me batty.

4. I feel extremely self-conscious at the gym. I do not make eye contact or talk to anyone. This is really strange, because I'm normally really outgoing and sociable. I don't know why I'm like that. Maybe it's the spandex I'm wearing. It kinda makes me feel fat. But I don't like working out in anything else, so....yeah.

5. I do not own a camera. I never have. I use those disposable ones. Or I mooch from my friends. Yes, I'm that annoying friend who always wants you to email the pics to her. For some reason, I just can never justify the purchase. Probably because I know I will probably never be one of those people who takes pictures all the time. I think this will be one of my New Year's Resolutions: get a camera and use it!

6. I have only stolen one thing in my entire life: a lollipop from a grocery store. I was about 5 years old. I have felt guilty ever since, especially since I didn't get caught!

I am not tagging anyone because I want to post another post right away! Do this if you want...

Tag! I'm It!

I've been tagged by Evel. (If you don't read her blog, you should. She's hysterical. Ever wonder what those tech support people are really thinking when you call about your messed up computer? She will tell you! And you know what? You sound like a total idiot.)

My job here today is to tell you 8 tidbits of info about me. I bet I have already done this tag....and surprisingly, I haven't told you everything about me. SHOCKER! This tag came at a good time, since I have lots going on, yet nothing which would entitle an entire post. Here goes.

Oh, heads up. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to skip #1.

1. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. For a legitimate reason, this time. I have been informed by my gyno that there is too much protein in my urine, and so I have to go back to the office and let them insert who-knows-what into you-know-where so they can make sure my kidneys are working properly. Fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck. They think I am not peeing into the cup correctly and I am contaminating my own urine samples with excess protein from who knows what. It wouldn't be a surprise if this is true, as they have a 12-step process for peeing into the cups there. You need a PhD to follow their procedure. Anyway, using a catheter is a fail-proof way of seeing if the problem is my idiocy or my kidneys. The only reason I am volunteering to cooperate with this whole catheter idea is because I know it might be preventing a future kidney stone. Now that you have read this, I know you are thinking one of the following:
A) Ouch!
B) Ew!
C) This sounds like a job for Vicodin! or
D) *raises hand, as if to ask a question in class* Um, but why does the gyno care about that hole?

To which I reply: Exactly!!!!

2. Further proof that I did indeed make a 4.0 in library school (aka "The Place Where You Learn How to Be a Stalker and Get Paid for It"): I found Cute Neighbor's myspace page yesterday. I found it because I found out his last name through public records. Along with the full names of all my neighbors. And some details about Hot Neighbor's divorce. And his driving record. And where he used to live. But whatever. That's basic stuff. *raises hand in swearing manner* I promise never to use my powers for evil purposes. But if you want me to do some stalking for you, I charge $25/hour for my services (see #3, below).

3. I am trying to sell Toby. Because I get these things called "bills" in my "mailbox". And it's either sell the dog or sell my body at this point. And please, no sympathy for the dog. He should have thought about this before he chewed off my windowsill. And pooped all over my house.

4. Sometimes I geek out WAAAAAY too much. Examples:

A)I was just on Netflix, reviewing my queue. I had forgotten that once I discovered the "documentaries" section on Netflix, I had gone totally crazy: history, science, pop culture, animals, foreign cities, diseases, religions, art, you name it. For some reason, though, the following must have sounded interesting to me: The Natural History of the Chicken. Whaaaaaaaa???
B) And now that I'm going to NYC, I am entirely too excited about it, and have checked out 3 travel guides from the library. I'm going to look over those before I even get on the plane. I just put an 8 volume "History of NYC" documentary at the top of my Netflix queue. And read up on all the well-known NYC neighborhoods in Wikipedia. (You can quiz me, even!) And I'm working on my "First Trip to NYC" Soundtrack. Today I'm going to see if I really can get tickets to Spamalot. (Ok, you know and I know that is impossible, but I am curious to see just how much it would cost.) It is probably the ONLY musical I would ever get excited to see....ok, I just looked it up. Some tickets are as low as $36. Who knew???? I am seriously out of control, people!!!
C) I think I might spend this afternoon going back through all my posts and editing my post labels. (Just having typed that, I'm not too surprised about this dry spell I'm having....jeez. *sighs and rolls eyes*)

5. I'm really good about taking other people's advice and learning from others' mistakes. Example: MJ says Times Square is a royal pain in the neck and sucks. I believe her. So I will not be visiting this famous landmark. Unless it's because I am going to Spamalot. (Besides, um, what the hell do tourists do there, anyway? Look at the big lit-up signs??? Big deal. Send me a postcard, you know?) Some people call it "blind trust", I call it "never having to hear 'I told you so'."

6. When I go to Vermont on this upcoming trip, it will be the farthest north I've ever been. There'd better not be any snow. And I want to see a Ben & Jerry's on every corner!

7. When I was home at The Czarina's recently, I was helping her clean the house. The wall by the stairs has a bunch of old framed family documents and pictures (diplomas, paintings, etc.) hanging on it. I was looking at them while I dusted. One of the framed items is a promotional brochure from my great-great-grandfather's dentistry practice, dating back to about the 1880s. (If you knew my family, it would not surprise you in the least that we not only saved that, but also framed it.) Now, I knew that side of my family was from upstate New York, so I figured he was a dentist somewhere in northern New York. But according to this brochure, his office was located on W. 151st St., NYC! Cool, huh? All this time, I thought I had no NYC connections. I asked MJ if we would have time to maybe go see the building, but she pointed out that 151st street is in Harlem, and it might not be a good idea. Also, it's hella out there, almost in the Bronx.

8. I just found out this week that I type 65 words per minute.

Ok, I am supposed to tag 8 people.....but it's lunchtime, and I gotta go. If you want to do it, knock yourself out!

Ten

Ok, so Burg tagged me. WOOT! I am excited because I like to tell myself you are all dying to know me better. Right? Because the 200 things in the side-bar over there just aren't enough.

My task? Tell you 10 "interesting" things about me. I say "interesting" with the little quotation marks because at this point, I am starting to run out of things to share (surprised?) and therefore, the quality of this post is questionable.

1. What does VB smell like? Well...it used to be Calvin Klein's "Truth". It is still my all-time favorite smell. I never got sick of it. Then they discontinued it. Now I usually wear Dolce & Gabbana's "Light Blue". I also just got a perfume from M.A.C. I don't think it has a name, but it's in a black plastic/glass bottle. It's really sexy and I love it. For work, I wear either Victoria's Secret "Pink" or Ralph Lauren's "Blue". I tend to like green scents, ironically.

2. What does my closet look like? I love to wear bright colors. It looks like a rainbow in there. Sure, I have my fair share of black and pastels, but give me a coral or teal colored shirt any day. I personally think that people who wear boring colors are usually boring people. Then again, I guess I'm biased.

3. I think there was some confusion in a recent post about my new running hobby. I can NOT run 4 miles, people. Good grief. That's more than a 5k, I think. I am hard-pressed to make it to two. And I am running like, 15-minute miles, anyway. I mean, some people walk that fast. It's really nothing to be impressed by, trust me. Four miles is my GOAL. As in, "Maybe sometime before my 30th birthday I will be able to run 4 miles once."

4. I think I am in the vicinity of 50 pairs of shoes at this point. The majority of them are 3" heels. I really need to take some pics of my shoes and share....note to self. I really can't go out at night unless I have heels on. It feels weird to me. The Czarina thinks it's ridiculous how many shoes I have.

5. I pride myself on having had no car accidents in 7 years, knock on wood. Unless you count the time a lady side-swiped me. It wasn't my fault, and I was in the far left lane in rush hour traffic, so there was no escape route for me, unless I wanted to head straight into oncoming traffic. She just basically decided to change lanes without looking and plowed into me. Her insurance company paid for all my repairs. Now that I have typed this, watch me wreck my car tomorrow!

6. I have a secret, hidden talent: I can draw. Actually, come to think of it, most of the people in my family have hidden artistic skills. WLF, Czarina, my older sister and my older brother can all draw, too. My older sister is also an excellent actress and a decent singer, although she's only done it for fun. Fat Dog can play any instrument he picks up. He and I are pretty decent violinists. What's funny is, none of us ever took these abilities seriously. We are not in these fields professionally. Never have been. Maybe we weren't willing to be starving artists.

7. I was kicked/trampled by a horse when I was five or six years old. I grew up on a farm, and although my dad was not a farmer, we did rent the land out to other local farmers who needed more space. We mostly had cattle, but for a while, when I was in kindergarten, we had some horses. At the time, I was Queen My Little Pony, so this just totally kicked ass. (Oh, that was a bad pun!!!) Before school one day, my friend and neighbor, Neal came over. I think Czarina was going to drive us both to school or something. Anyway, for some reason, Neal and I had time to kill, so we went over to pet the horses. Well, the horses had escaped and were roaming around everywhere, and Neal and I tried to get the horses back behind the fences--because 5 year-olds can persuade horses-- and were kicked/trampled in the process. We were fine. Just some bumps and bruises. Pretty scary, though. I bet this is why I'm such a wuss now. (I did do some horseback riding a few years later, and I really enjoyed it. So I'm not equinophobic or anything.)

8. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people (ie, roommates and family members) don't clean out the lint filter in the dryer after they are done using it. Since I am paranoid, I have to empty it out in order to prevent burning the house down. This irritates me so much that sometimes, if I'm in a really foul mood, they will go to bed at night and find their lint laid out on their pillow. Other peoples' lint is totally disgusting. I know I sound crazy, but that stuff just grosses me out for some reason. I think it's because it looks like dust to me, and dust is made up of skin cells that have flaked off our bodies. *shudders*

9. I have a semi-gross confession to make. I need to know if anyone else in the world does this, because I really wonder. If I boil pasta, I don't always wash the pot or the colander into which I drain the pasta. It's just not dirty enough for me to go to the hassle of cleaning it. Besides, I will probably just re-use the pot the next day for more pasta (I eat a lot of pasta). Since it dries out in-between uses (I will leave it sitting out on the stovetop), I figure there can't be any bacteria in it, right? I swear on all things holy I do not do this with any other food/cooking situation, and I would never do this if I had guests over. Guests get clean pots and colanders, promise. Am I weird? Ok, dumb question. Is this particular habit weird?

10. I have the following scars:

left elbow (bike accident on gravel driveway as a kid -- yeah, ouch is right),
back left shoulder blade (removed a mole as a kid--see "Six Weird Things" in sidebar for full story),
left shin (I was 7, trying to get away from a scary barking dog and I ran into a corner. There's a big chunk missing. Ew is right. I also have another one on my left shin from a verrrry bad shaving experience when I was in middle school.),
bottom lip (I was a baby, holding a bottle in my mouth, and I fell down. The bottle dug into my lip--the scar is shaped like a U),
my left eyebrow (WLF was babysitting me, but, being the oh-so-attentive-and-smart father that he was, he left me on the bed when he went to answer the phone, and I fell off the bed, hitting a table on the way down--Czarina never let him babysit me again. But the good news is, it ended up being right along the line where I now pluck my eyebrows, so I have a built-in guide!),
stomach (chicken pox)
left jaw, kinda under my ear (from playing violin all those years)

Ok, I just realized that the right side of my body has virtually no scarring. Weird.

Man, this was hard to do. By this point, I have revealed so much about myself. I will be surprised if anyone actually reads this.....aren't you sick of reading about me? I'm sick of talking about me. My next post will have to have some malicious gossip. Or something more philosophical. Oh wait, don't place your bets on that one. Better hold out for the gossip.

Now I have to tag 10 people, in keeping with this meme's theme.

Becky, Jennster, Behind the Curve, Phantom Hater because he never posts anything, Meghan because she and I were separated at birth apparently, Petra, Sam because I know it will be hysterically funny, TGOV, Joie and Teahouse.

Have Fun Living Alone!

OMG, you guys. TGIF. That's all I can say right now.

Soon, I will be living alone for the first time in 3 years. WOOT! And let me tell ya, I'm excited. I have made this list of fun things you can do ONLY if you are a single woman who lives alone*:

1. Eat ice cream for breakfast. Topless.

2. Stay in your pjs until 3pm, complete with unbrushed teeth and dirty hair. (Ok, you could do this if you lived with people, but they would probably think you are weird.)

3. Make the executive decision to stop shaving your legs for 2 weeks.

4. Walk around topless. With the blinds open. (Oops! Sorry, Hot Neighbor!)

5. Do your ironing in your underwear. (WHY do I enjoy doing that so much???)

6. Watch soft porn in the living room.

7. Sleep naked and then spread eagle on the bed without getting jabbed in the ribcage for hogging it.

8. Designate an extra room as "The Junk Room" and put whatever is bugging you in there. That way, your house is perpetually and inexplicably tidy. Little do your houseguests know....

9. Or you could designate the room "The Dressing Room" or "The Party Room" or "The Girly Girl Room" or whatever the hell you want.

10. You can paint your bathroom Kool-Aid purple. Btw, yes, Virginia, you can paint it in your underwear.

11. Talk on the phone very loudly and for as long as you like. No censoring necessary. Snorting laughter optional.

12. Bring home hotties. (Not that I have much luck in this department...) Make them breakfast in the morning. No whispering required, unless it's naughty little things in his ear.

13. Never wait in line for the washer/dryer. Or remove other people's lint from the dryer vent. (UGH one of my biggest pet peeves EVER.)

14. Never worry that someone is hogging all the hot water. Or the driveway.

15. Dance around your living room to Britney Spears/Hilary Duff/some other bubblegum singer you favor, although you'd never admit it publicly. Nakedness is optional.

16. Let the dirty dishes pile up, the dust collect on the shelves and the smudges cover the surfaces. It's only your dirt. No one else has to see it.

17. Cook that dish your roommate would have hated, and really enjoy it. Or, cook that dish your roommate loved, and don't worry about having to share it.

18. Come home the day after a night of partying. No one questioning you about it.

19. Go to bed at 8pm. Wake up at 4pm. Or 3am. Or go to bed at midnight. It's all the same when you live alone. It only has to be quiet if YOU say it has to be quiet. *wink*

20. Go ahead and light that 18th candle. No one is there to make Wiccan ritual jokes about you. (I like to light a ton of candles at the same time! Sue me!)

21. Spend an entire Sunday afternoon watching Nip/Tuck.

Can you think of any more??? Tee hee this is fun! I can't wait for May 1st! Alone at last! I didn't realize how much I missed not wearing pants. I hereby designate May as "Naked VB Month"!

*and yes, I will be doing most of these, thankyouverymuch. As soon as I find some porn.

Getting to Know Me...

Getting to know all about me....(are you singing the song yet? ha ha!)

I was lucky enough to be double-tagged today. I guess that means I've been tag teamed? LOL

Ah, being a pervert is fun. What do non-pervs do for a laugh?

I love being tagged because...well, who doesn't? I'm thinking this is my reward from the Blog-gods for catching up on a bunch of blogs this week.

First, I am being interviewed by Fluffycat. She asks 5 questions, I have to answer them. Those are the meme's rules. And you know how I feel about rules. Here we go.

1. If you could choose to have a weekend passionate fling with Julian McMahon or a million dollars tax free, which would you choose?

Wow. This is a very tough call. Can I ask for references from his ex-girlfriends before deciding? Because if he doesn't know what he's doing in the sack, then that would just be a waste of time. Then again, he could just lie there.... Hmmm...I'm going to have to go with the moola. As totally kick-ass as that would be, I could really use the money! I have a mortgage now. People own my ass. Sorry, Julian. You will have to settle for more of my dreams where you feature prominently as a sexual object. Hey, wait, if I had a million dollars, I bet I could figure out how to meet him in person anyway...SUH-WEET! I am all about having my cake and eating it, too.

2.What is one book you think every woman should read?

OMG. I have no clue. And I'm a librarian. That is sad. I can recommend books for days, but when you limit me to books for women...There are so many different kinds of women, but I guess I am most familiar with what it's like to be a single woman. So I'm going to go with that facet of femininity. I would recommend The Rules (ooooh, and I am going to catch SO MUCH FLAK for even saying that! I can hear the comments flying in!) because I do honestly believe there is something to be said for playing hard to get. It's not about games or messing with people's minds. It's about self-respect. And whenever I don't follow The Rules, I regret it, every time.

I guess I'm going to have to lump He's Just Not That Into You in here, too. That's another great one, and along the same philosophy lines as The Rules. Greg Behrendt has a 2nd book out, which I believe he co-wrote with his wife, called It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and that is also fantastic.

3. What color would your bridesmaid dresses be if you were getting married in June?

Ok, this question made me laugh out loud. It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything because I probably would have snorted it. This question is equivalent to asking Paris Hilton when she plans on going to med school: Why would you even bother asking this? It's never going to happen. Anyway, I digress. Knowing me, it would be pink. Probably like a fuchsia color, because I think that is the most fun color ever, which my bridesmaids would HATE wearing. So I'd have to change it. Maybe a two-tone dress, combining coral pink and baby pink. But I also like aqua sort of shades, greens like this and maybe a khaki/navy combo. (I saw a wedding once where the bridesmaids wore khaki, and it looked fantastic next to the white wedding gown and bright flowers. And navy and white also look great, IMHO.) So the short answer is: I have no freaking idea. Definitely not red or black. Just not me.

4. What is the first thing you notice when you meet an attractive man?

Ok, so we've established that he's attractive. Woo-hoo! A hottie! Jackpot! Ok, not necessarily. Let me think...probably his level of confidence. After that, brains, and after that, sense of humor. Followed up by a zest for life and kindness. If there's chemistry, too, it's time to place your bets on when he and I will be sucking face.

5. What celebrity are you sick of hearing about?

Ugh, at this point, Anna Nicole Smith. Why is she still in the news??? Let her poor, sad soul rest. And I think all those relatives and friends of hers who have come out of the woodwork and seem to be eying her money should be ashamed of themselves.

I'm not going to say Paris because that girl is like a train wreck -- I want to see just how bad it gets. And I'm not going to say Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, because I am secretly hoping they both get their acts together and have major comebacks.

WOW. That was really fun. Thanks, Fluffycat! Wanna be interviewed by yours truly? Here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Meme #2 of the day is courtesy of Vixen over on Mysterious Meander. (Yes, this is the same blogger who writes Bad Girl's Guide, in case you are wondering.)

I think I'm supposed to explain 5-10 goals I have, and then tag some more people to do the same. Here goes.

1. Learn more. I loooooove learning new stuff. I wish I could be a college student forever. There are so many classes I want to take: history, Italian, drawing, art history, more German, painting, sculpture, Russian, world religions, psychology, criminology, epidemiology, cooking, creative writing, British literature....luckily, I can take one class per semester for free. Woot! I might be taking a German class with MJ soon, actually. We were talking about doing that. I'd better get on the ball if I'm going to be fluent in 5 languages before I croak.

2. Find a career that I truly love. I have been working on this for a long time, and it's been a constant battle for me, as my passions lie in career paths which do not pay well. And it's hard to enjoy your wonderfully fulfilling job if you're terrified of your bills. If you want the complete story, I have posted about this in this post. (Heads up: it's a very long post!)

3. Have kids. Notice I do not say anything about having a husband. Yes, it would be peachy keen if I had someone other than my mother to call when I have good news. And a guaranteed resource for sex-on-demand would also be fantastic. But I could do it on my own. I can see myself doing the whole single-mom thing. I doubt I'd ever go the sperm bank route, though. Just personal reasons. I mean, why have labor if you don't have to? If I hit 35 and have no hubby, I'm going to start looking into becoming a foster parent. Having kids in my life is something which would make me feel incredibly fulfilled. And I think the foster care system in this country is effed up beyond belief, so I'd like to make a difference, even if it's only with one child.

4. Travel more! This is going to be my next New Year's Resolution, I can tell. I love traveling and I haven't been out of the country since December 2000. There is nothing like traveling to make you learn about yourself and the world as a whole. It gives you a new perspective on life. Sounds cheesy, but it really does. And there are so many wonderful places to go!! On my list of stateside spots: Vegas, NYC, Miami, New Orleans, Texas and California. Abroad, I'm thinking the Caribbean, Ireland, Britain, Scotland, Germany, Russia, Prague, Thailand.....wherever, really!

5. Be better with money! That means saving, paying off debt, making sure my retirement plans are okie dokie, learning more about how to invest wisely, understanding how to save money on my taxes....you name it. I'm cheap in some ways, but for the most part, I'm a spender. Not something I'm super proud of. I'd like to change that. (Also, if I start saving money, I can do #4, so this one is a double-whammy).

6. Make more memories with my family. It's terrible to say, but you never truly appreciate your family until you lose a member. When I think about all the times I could have talked to my dad or my brother and chose to watch tv or talk to a friend instead, it just kills me. I could have been really bonding with them in ways far beyond quick small talk at the dinner table. I want to take trips, have more inside jokes, more phone calls and just generally be there for my siblings and Mom. Much more than I have been. Don't get me wrong -- my family is miles from where we used to be. Now my brothers and I call each other about once a month and catch up. And I just love that. But the whole seeing each other only at Christmas? I really want to change that. It might mean moving back to Virginia eventually, I don't know.

If I can do all these things, I will die a happy girl.

Ok, who to tag....how about Single Guy Blogging, Low Tide, RWA, Mieke, Coco and Jonathan?

Ok, People...

I know it would be uber-exciting for all of you to read this blog on Monday morning and see that I boldly walked over to Hot Neighbor's house on Saturday, knocked on his door and balls-out asked him over for dinner.

But I am not living my life for your entertainment. (Surprise!!)

While I may have moments of frustration, desperation and temptation, we all know I'm never going to do that. Yeah. Hate to be the bucket of cold water to your nice, relaxing hot shower, but let's get real, people. I just don't do that. Why?

1. In the past, all of my experiences where I have been the bold, assertive person have blown up in my face. Sure, the guys were nice enough about it, and flattered. They may have gotten my number or taken me out a couple of times, or even dated me for 6 months. But in the end, every one of them has ended up being either totally forgettable or a major dating regret (ie, The Cop). So if this was a baseball game, I'd be batting about 0 for 5. Not much of a batting average. What is that quote? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? I think pretty much sums it up.

2. I am not comfortable with doing it in the first place, nevermind how it always seems to end up. I have been groomed my whole life to be an old-fashioned dater, and I am comfortable with it. It feels natural to me. I enjoy being wooed and pursued. Maybe it's because I was raised in the South, maybe it's because I'm definitely not a feminist, maybe it's because my parents' courtship was so charming and old-fashioned that I've been spoiled by their romantic tales from the mid-1970s, and now will never settle for less. Maybe it's just because I'm a girly girl. Who knows. But I feel confident when I am pursued. Not so much when I am being the aggressor. It's just not me. I think part of happiness is knowing yourself.

3. I am not one to play with fate. I think if something is meant to happen, it will happen in its own time. Since when does my life have to conform to the schedule my overly-daydreaming mind has laid out? Good grief, if I did that, I'd have 2 kids and a time share by now. Pursuing guys makes me feel like I'm forcing a relationship to happen. This doesn't sit well with me, kind of like how you have indigestion after eating too much, too fast: I can continue on with the experience, but I feel very uncomfortable. I like to allow things to happen naturally and slowly. There's no rush. I have the rest of my life to meet men.

4. He's been living next door to me for 5 months, people. Think about how often you are home in a 5 month period. Think about how many times he and I have spoken. How many different ways he could have gotten in touch with me. We are talking about numerous opportunities, all of which he has chosen to miss. This is a classic case of He's Just Not That Into Me. Which is fine. I can live with that. It happens all the time. And it's far better than forcing him to go out with me on a flattery date, only to be directly and bluntly rejected by him down the road. This is far less painful. If he were all about me, he would have been willing to risk rejection and would have asked me out already. Oh, and let's not forget my awesome timing in the looks department -- he looooves to see me when I look like total crap. This does not help my cause. So please, guys, no excuses for him. Don't give me the whole, "he's new to dating again! ease up!" or "divorcees have no self-esteem, you're going to have to meet him halfway!" or whatever. Excuses for not asking me out are bullshit, if I do say so myself. I'm a fun girl, who is easy to hang out with. Plus, I have nice boobs. I think that pretty much covers most 1st date requirements....right? Ok then.

5. I like balls. I like men with balls who ask out women fearlessly. I'm starting to think he's not that kind of guy. I'm starting to think he might be a ninny. A pushover. A doormat. Someone who waits for a domineering woman to take over and run his life for him. I can't respect people like that. Why would I settle for dating one? So can someone please explain to me why I would make a whole lasagna from scratch (about $25 and 3 hours of time, btw) for someone who can't even be bothered to take a deep breath and ask me what I'm doing this weekend? Because the more I think about it, the less interested I am in the idea. He's not lasagna-worthy at this point. (Elaine had sponges, I have lasagna.)

That being said, I'm obviously going to have to kick it up a notch in the flirting department. I've got serious competition now--he DID find his balls long enough to ask Wednesday Skank out, obviously. (I will suspend my theory that she asked him out, for the time being.) So although I'm not going to make lasagna (what, you think he'll take one bite and instantly fall madly in love with me? Come on, look who has an overactive imagination now! I mean, I know I make good lasagna, but come on!), I am going to start gardening in low-cut tops and insert some winking into my conversations with Hot Neighbor. I don't mess with fate, but I'm not against giving her a little nudge from time to time.

P.S. Don't bother calling me a wuss. I've already labeled the post appropriately. Aw, did I take the wind out of your sails?

So...I have some pics to share with you. It's Toby.



Um, I didn't realize it when I took it, but Toby is looking right at Sammy's butt in this picture...


And in this one, he wouldn't hold still, which is why he's not centered in the frame. Don't you love my awesomely landscaped backyard lawn? It's coming along perfectly...NOT.
This morning, I got to start my day at 5:30. Why was I up at 5:30, you ask? Because Toby was barfing all over my bedroom. Awesome. At first, I was just annoyed. Too sleepy to be worried, I was just wanting him to go back to bed. But he kept making noises and then I could hear some sort of splatter, which made me get up and turn on the lights.

I put two and two together in my pre-caffeinated brain: Dog is not making annoying sounds for the heck of it, dog is barfing. That is when the worry set in. I grabbed him and held him over my bathroom sink (ew) so he could barf on something that wasn't my carpeting. The dog barf had blood in it. I freaked out. So now he's at the vet, and I'm worried, because I haven't heard from the vet all day. And he hasn't had any food today, either. My poor, little pound puppy. My poor, little, expensive-as-hell pound puppy....

Ha! Not only am I Barf Queen, but my new dog is a barfer, too. Aw, he will fit in so well....

Hypothetical Birthday!!

A meme my friend did on myspace. Since it's almost my birthday, I figured I'd pretend...

Hypothetical Situation: It is your birthday today.
All of the people you care about have come together to make this one of the most special days of your life.
From the biggest dream to the smallest detail almost anything is possible. [Woo-Hoo!!!!!]

MJ & KT-- are you taking notes???? Because this is your cheat sheet for Saturday. Just in case you need ideas for my surprise this weekend.

1. You can wake up in any city. Where are we?
Someplace warm and tropical. Bahamas? Yeah. Sounds good.

2. You have a special alarm to wake you. One of your favorite musician(s) has come to play for you. Who is it?

Yes! So far, my hypothetical birthday kicks ass. I would have either Outkast or Gwen Stefani wake me up. Maybe Dr. Dre. Or RHCP. Or P-Funk. Dang, I can only pick one??? That's hard.

What song(s) do they play for you? -- If Outkast, I'd want something from their Aquimini album (whatever track #12 is). If Gwen Stefani, it would have to be "What You Waiting For?" As for the other musicians, I pretty much like everything, so anything goes. Dang, that is hard. I guess if it came down to it, I'd pick Gwen.

3. You have access to any meal, any chef, or any restaurant's menu? What are we having for the first meal of the day?
It's my birthday, so there are no calories, right? Ok. Breakfast consists of the following: blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, coffee, orange juice, cranberry juice, water (shut up, it's my hypothetical birthday. I can have 4 drinks if I want), chicken biscuits (from Chik-fil-a), hashbrowns and cigarettes. You can sit in the non-smoking section if you want. But I'm having coffee and cigarettes while I wait for my food.

4. A celebrity from TV (or show cast) has come to serve you or join you for this meal. Who is it?

Yes!! This kicks ass. I will have the cast from Sex and the City, thankyouverymuch. They will be in character as they dine with me.

5. After eating you have about 5 hours of free time to do whatever you want. You may choose any activity big or small, what would you like to do most? (Remember it's your day)

I would play on the beach with my dog, go shopping, go scuba diving, go to a spa and get one of everything, go on some kind of ghost tour/historic home tour, rent a convertible, eat an ice cream cone, ride on a really fast boat and make out with Hot Neighbor. Not necessarily in that order.

6. You receive your first gifts. You don't own these items already, but want them most. What are they?
a. one of those BIG iPods. 30 giga-tons of storage.
b. a new bed and matress set
c. hardwood floors for my house
d. a suh-weet digital camera
e. a brand new, state of the art, superduper fast laptop

7. It is time for our last meal before the party, what's the menu?
macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, grilled cheese, diet coke, quesadillas, black beans, steak w/sauteed mushrooms, sweet potatoes, tacos, yogurt, bruschetta with garlic bread, peanut butter sandwiches, nectarines, berries, ice cream, brownies, candy....and more cigarettes.

8. This meal is one you share with the people closest to you, who do you want to join you?
friends and family...everyone i know and love! The more the merrier. Oh, and Hot Neighbor. Because he's hot.

9. As a big surprise, a movie star is here. You and this person are off to visit, film a PSA, and give 100,000 dollars to your favorite charity in your name. Who is with you?
Cool!! In addition to the cast of SATC? And Gwen? Crap, I don't know. I'd probably pick Kate Winslet. I love her. Or maybe Renee Zellweger. NO!!!! I would pick Mike Myers. Definitely. Final answer.

9a. What is the Charity?
Something related to alcoholism, like The American Council on Alcoholism. Or a homeless dog rescue organization.

10. Time for the party. Describe the location or theme.
I have always wanted to go to a masquerade where everyone is in full-on, head-to-toe, super elaborate costume and you spend the evening trying to figure out who everyone is. I'd want it to be sort of a Mardi-Gras theme...lots of peacock feathers and jewels. My costume? Cleopatra.

Hell, yeah. So far, my hypothetical birthday is kicking ass. Onwards...

11. Who is the house band? or what is the DJ playing?
all of the musicians I've mentioned here! Lots of danceable hip-hop, pop, Motown, bluegrass, etc. Some 80s. Some alternative. Every song is either great to dance to or great to sing to. Too many artists to list. Lots of Prince and Nelly, definitely. I will just hand him my brand new iPod which is now full of all my songs. There will be absolutely no jazz.

12. Describe the food spread
Didn't I already go over that? Ok, I guess there's hella food at my party. Seems logical enough. Let's see. I'd have a full, open bar, complete with "near beer" and carbonated grape juice for me. A candy bar (minimum 100 varieties of candy). A cigarette bar. A Quesadilla station. A chocolate table (anything and everything chocolate). An ice cream parlor area--at least 30 flavors and toppings. A bake sale (all proceeds benefitting above-mentioned charity). A fruit smoothie station. One of those guys who stands under the heat lamps and wears a tall chef hat while slicing prime rib. A junk food table (complete with Doritos and Oreos). An ice sculpture of Sammy. The waitstaff will serve the following off of silver platters: cocktail shrimp, mini-cheesecake bites, baked brie, chocolate truffles, chicken nuggets from Chik-fil-a, cigarettes, teriyaki chicken strips on little skewers and vicodin. Vases of beautiful and fragrant flowers decorate the tables. Lots of candles and sparkly things. Chandeliers. Did I mention that the waitstaff consists entirely of ex-boyfriends? Who aren't being paid? And don't get to take home any leftover food? Or take breaks? And must apologize profusely to me every time they see me during the party? Yeah. I told you this party kicks ass. Because I'll have your exes there, too, and they will have to do the same thing.


12. Everyone is enjoying your favorite drink, what is it?
It would be a drink invented that day in honor of my birthday. It would be named after me. It would be bubbly and sweet, like me. It would be hot pink in color and the ingredients would probably include Chambord, champagne and ginger ale.

Did I mention that somehow, I magically look 25 pounds thinner in all the pictures from the party? Because I do.

Did I mention that everyone makes a toast to me? And then everyone breaks out into song, because they've all been practicing on a very funny song written especially for me? Yeah.

13. Tell us about your birthday cake?
Right now, all I can think about is the chocolate-cherry pie filling cake that KT is making for me, so it would probably be that. Or pineapple upside-down cake made by my mom. Or the poundcake that K's mom makes. It has cream cheese icing. Mmmm. No, I think KT will win. Chocolate is sounding pretty good right now.

14. It's time for your big gift, what thing do you want most?
A brand new red convertible!!!!! It would be made by Honda, stick shift, V8, seats 4, has an iPod adapter, tinted windows, killer sound system, tires that never go flat, drink holders that actually work the way they should and gets 84 miles to the gallon....*sigh* This car exists. It's my hypothetical birthday.

15. Finally, before bed, you are given a special gift or jewelry by your significant other which means so much as a symbol of your relationship. What is it?

his absence??? LOL

I don't have a significant other. I'd probably be too pooped by this point to care, either! Although, I'd probably get Hot Neighbor drunk at my party so I could seduce him. *daydreams for a minute*

But if I had a S.O., I'd want a big, honkin' canary diamond ring. Not necessarily an engagement ring. Just a big phatty, blinged out ring. Yellow diamond. Ooh, probably from Tacori. Anything from them, actually.

16. If 15 doesn't fit you or if you and your significant other want someone to join you, who do you take to bed with you? I told you it was a special day! Pick anyone/anything.

Besides Hot Neighbor? Besides Sammy? (I can't sleep unless he's in the bed!) Duh. I would pick Dr. Hunktastic himself: Julian McMahon from Nip/Tuck. We will have lots of sex and babies one day. He's the one who just gave me the phatty ring.

Happy Hypothetical Birthday to Me! What would yours be like? More importantly, am I invited?

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things You Will Never Hear Me Say 1. Candy? No thank you. 2. Yessss!!! NASCAR!!!! 3. I'm thinking about moving to Maine. 4. Oh, I don't shave my armpits anymore. 5. Jackson Pollock is my favorite painter. 6. Do you have any tea? 7. Let's try that new Indian restaurant! 8. Actually, I'm attracted to skinny, nerdy types. 9. I was thinking about going sky diving this weekend. It sounds like fun. 10. Construction--now there's a career for me! 11. Gallagher tickets?!!!! OMG!!! How did you know??!! 12. Don't you think I should gain some weight? 13. I don't own a lipstick in that color. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Another 100 Things

Ok, since I unintentionally lied to you yesterday, I will post twice today. I wrote this a while ago and never posted it. Here goes.

Look, it's my blog. If you don't want to read it, you can skip this post. I will get over it. Someday. *sniff*

101. I love to make lists and make them all the time.
102. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from organizing things. If there is no set organization system, I will create one. I did this with my crayons as a kid. And I do it with my closet, CDs, pantry and makeup now.
103. Except that I hate picking up my clothes. They are always all over my bedroom floor.
104. Big Brother is the only show I've ever been hooked on. I would like to be on Big Brother, actually. I think I'd be good at it.
105. Sure, I watch a ton of Comedy Central and CourtTV, but I am not picky about what is on those channels--I'll watch whatever is on them.
106. Shoot, I forgot I was also hooked on Average Joe. I have a tendency to root for the underdog.
107. I'd like to see a reality TV show about truckers. That whole lifestyle just fascinates me. How do they pay their bills? Do their laundry? Stay occupied? Not get sick of driving? Boggles my mind.
108. I had braces in 6th grade. And glasses. That was my "ugly duckling" phase.
109. I do my best thinking in the shower.
110. I taught myself how to type. I'm a fast typer.
111. I am the absolute worst liar in the history of mankind. So now I don't even try. But I am a huge exaggerator. Feel free to call me out.
112. I am blind as a bat. We're talking approaching 20/200 people.
113. But I wear contacts because I'm too vain not to.
114. My parents wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I was 13. I have loved big earrings ever since.
115. I will wear huge hoop earrings no matter how old I get or how out-of-style they are.
116. But I wouldn't be caught dead in overalls. Ever.
117. Capri pants and gauchos are so cute, but look awful on my figure. This is because my hips are roughly equivalent to the circumference of the earth. And my legs are on the short n stocky side. I'm more of a skirt girl. Luckily, I don't have kankles.
118. I always joke that I was born in heels, because I'm like Barbie--my feet are just naturally adapted to walking in them. Easy for me. Note: This does not mean I'm not a klutz. I'm a huge klutz.
119. Size 14 is my limit. Once I hit that, I go into panic mode, get super healthy, and go back to a size 10. Then I repeat the cycle all over again.
120. I am a 36C. And grateful every day.
121. Milky Way is my favorite candy bar. I am weird because I don't really care for Snickers. I also love the sour mix from Jelly Belly.
122. I hate cottage cheese. Eww Eww Eww.
123. I prefer my marshmallows and Twizzlers stale. As in, crunchy or tough-as-leather stale. I leave the packages open intentionally to achieve this.
124. This makes them very tough to chew, which relieves stress. This habit got started in college when I had to pull all-nighters.
125. I am now a major morning person. I wake up in a great mood. Usually.
126. I am a cranky bitch when I'm tired. I will cry, just like little kids do when they are tired. I have to take a nap if I want to stay up late.
127. My favorite video game is Tetris. Can play it until my eyeballs fall out.
128. My favorite board games are Taboo and Scattergories. They are really fun when the other people are drunk. I also like Trivial Pursuit. But I suck at Scrabble. Unless dirty words are allowed.
129. I was born on a Tuesday around lunchtime.
130. I was born in Charlottesville, VA. Go Wahoos! (UVA in case you are wondering).
131. I have never flashed or mooned a stranger.
132. But I am a huge pervert.
133. Old people usually get on my nerves.
134. I love kids of all ages. Ironically, I am not all that keen on babysitting. Unless I really like the kids.
135. I take really good care of my things. Always have. My CDs are rarely scratched. My Barbies never had tangled hair. My clothes....well...like I said, they are on my floor. So I do a lot of last-minute ironing.
136. Traveling stresses me out a lot. But I believe that anything worth doing is worth some risk and/or stress. So I keep doing it and love it every time. Despite pitting out my shirts while I travel. (Seriously, you don't want to sit next to me. I sweat buckets when I'm stressed.)
137. I am one of those people who can't get started on anything until I clean or make a list. Or check my email.
138. The zoo is awesome. I could go every day.
139. My favorite animals there are the penguins.
140. One time I stumbled on the Galapagos tortoises getting it on.
141. I am 5'5". This makes me the runt of my family. Height-wise, anyway.
142. I have no tattoos or body piercings. I don't want any.
143. There are six kids in my family now.
144. I have a nephew whom I have never met. He is about 8 and lives in Minnesota. My older brother doesn't have custody, so he can't take him out of the state. This sucks. Because I would be a cool aunt.
145. I really love big trees. So pretty and nice to have around. I think this is because I spent a lot of time exploring the forest of gigantic oak trees in my backyard as a kid.
146. I have mixed feelings about big thunderstorms. If I'm with someone, I think they are cool and I will watch them. But if I'm alone, I get kinda scared.
147. I am absolutely terrified of these. You might say I am even phobic. I call them Ninja Crickets because they will jump on me and attack me. Do not confuse this bug with the black version. Those don't bother me for some reason.
148. Spiders don't bother me all that much either, unless they are huge. And roaches are just awful creatures sent to torture me. But still not as bad as #147.
149. I think I have a pretty high threshold for pain.
150. I broke my foot once. I didn't take any painkillers for it.
151. But since I was on crutches, I took them for my wrists. They swelled up from holding my weight all day long. I have tiny wrists. And a lot of body weight. Bad combo.
152. I have never seen the Pacific Ocean or the Gulf of Mexico.
153. I'm a good speller. Not perfect, but good.
154. Good grammar is also one of my fortes. Czarina would disagree with that.
155. I hate Carrot Top. My own personal hell would be having to sit next to him on a Greyhound bus for a cross-country trip. With Kathy Griffin on the other side. No, I don't have anything against redheads. Just a coincidence. But I want him to die. And she's just annoying.
156. I'm really good at Greek and Roman mythology trivia. However, I know very few Bible stories. Some people are amazed at how little I know about the Bible.
157. If I could be on any gameshow, I'd pick Jeopardy. I love that show. Sometimes I grab a calculator and play along. Sometimes I win. I can't believe I just admitted that.
158. My favorite book is The Good Earth or anything by Jane Austen.
159. When it comes to fiction, I like classics the most. I'm on a mission to read everything covered by Cliff's Notes. It is a life-long guilt trip from never reading anything I was supposed to in English class. Being told what to read really annoyed me. It was how I rebelled.
160. But now I'm old enough to understand and love books like that.
161. I like doing crossword puzzles, even though I'm not very good at them. I'm better at Jumble.
162. When I was a teenager, I always got in trouble for talking in class and disobeying my curfew. I was grounded a lot. I snuck out anyway.
163. I am the tattle tale in my family. I'm not especially proud of this. But that's not enough to stop me.
164. I sleep like a rock. Unless I'm stressed out. Then I get insomnia.
165. Because MTV and VH1 were verboten in the Belle Household growing up (because of their sexual and profane language), I am now obsessed with watching music videos. And I instantly love any song with dirty lyrics. I learn them quickly so I can sing along.
166. My dad's side of the family came over on The Mayflower.
167. Although I like scary ghost stuff and crime stories, I dislike gore and excessive violence on TV or in movies.
168. When I was a kid, I would draw the same thing over and over and over, trying to perfect it. Early evidence of my OCD tendencies. And my natural hesitation to try new things. (Btw, it was a red house on a hill with flowers and a tree. Over and over...)
169. I listen to techno and metal when I work out. I truly believe it helps me burn more calories. I cannot exercise without music.
170. My ideal pizza has pepperoni, mushrooms, bacon and green peppers. The green peppers are only on it so I can say I eat veggies on my pizza. I don't really like them all that much.
171. When I go to Starbuck's, I get a tall Vanilla Latte. They always misspell my name. This irritates me to no end.
172. My favorite ice cream flavors are lemon custard and cookies n cream.
173. I love to buy office supplies. I dream of having this fabulous, well-organized and spacious home office. It would look like the one in the Pottery Barn catalog. If I ever have the money, I will buy it. And sit at it day and night, starting projects. I'm not much of a finsher...
174. It bothers me when my jewelry doesn't match. I have to have sets. Or I'll just wear one piece at a time.
175. I usually get ketchup, mustard and pickles on my burgers. But sometimes I get mayo, A-1 sauce and pickles. And fries must have ketchup. Anything else is criminal.
176. I read tarot cards for my friends. Just for fun, not because I believe in that stuff.
177. I secretly wish that hoop skirts and corsets were still worn. That's because they would conceal my huge butt while emphasizing my waist. I think I have watched Gone With the Wind one too many times.
178. I love hardwood floors, big sinks, huge porches and crown moulding. If I ever buy a house, I hope to have these features.
179. One day I want to take up gardening and tennis.
180. I cannot sew or knit. I don't ever care to learn. This is a major sticking point between me and The Czarina.
181. If no one would find out and I didn't have to go anywhere, I would stay in my pjs all day. I would not shower, brush my hair or teeth and would lay on the couch reading, eating candy, napping and watching tv. I am a closet grungy girl.
182. I have never had the same dream twice. But Ihave lots of dreams about snakes.
183. I dream in color, but I rarely see people's faces. I see their bodies, but there is a black cloud where their face would be. Somehow, I still know who they are.
184. My biggest pet peeve in the whole world is this situation: I introduce myself. The other person says, "Your name is VB? How funny! My dog's name is VB!" It makes me want to say, "You know, this is crazy. Because your name is Mary, and that's what I named my -----! How weird!" Why people want to tell me I have the same name as their pet, I will never understand. It's really annoying and insulting.
185. Because of this, I think it should be illegal to name pets human names. Yes, I realize my dog's name is Sammy. But he was already named when I got him.
186. I'm a really good test-taker. I usually ace them. Especially if it is essay. This is because I'm good at B.S.
187. I want a pig pickin at my wedding reception.
188. I love playing hostess and dream of throwing Martha Stewart-quality parties.
189. I usually keep my word. If I don't, I feel terrible.
190. I hate wearing rings. This doesn't mesh well with my desire to get married one day. I also hate wearing nail polish on my fingers because it chips within three hours of me putting it on.
191. I have extremely oily skin, even on my body. I will break out all over if I'm not careful. The only parts of my body that get dry are my hands and feet.
192. I cannot do the butterfly stroke. And I am paranoid of diving into pools. So I didn't do so hot in swimteam competitions.
193. If Icould meet anyone from history, I'd probably meet Cleopatra.
194. I love Camel Lights. I am constantly trying to quit.
195. Running a marathon would be on my list of things I want to do before I die, but my body rejects this idea every time I try to get started on it. I get major leg, knee and foot pain. People that can run races are awesome. I am jealous.
196. My feelings get hurt very very easily. To the point that people have said, "Really? That hurt your feelings?" Yeah, I'm ridiculous.
197. I smoked pot a few times in college. It made me paranoid and stupid. And I couldn't stop eating. Not my idea of a fun time.
198. I have a really hard time staying angry at people I love. But if I get a grudge, usually it is loyalty-related and I hold the grudge forever.
199. I could eat breakfast at every meal.
200. I have been told I have a fantastic walk.

Me Memes, Part 1

When I can't change the subject, memes come in handy!

I got this one from Vixen and she's cool, so she lets me steal!

1. If you had to set your own work schedule; 8 hours per day; 5 days per week. Which days and hours would you choose? I am definitely a morning person. I would keep teacher hours: 7 am - 2 or 3pm

2. What Reality Show would you be on and why? Duh! Big Brother, which I didn't get to watch last night! (Can anyone update me?) I would pick this one because I don't think that the love life ones really work-- they are too artificial. I don't have a juicy enough personal life to warrant any kind of watch-me-live-my-crazy-life-type reality show. And I don't eat disgusting things. And I don't want my weight on national television. But I'm good with people and I think I would do a decent job at strategizing. Hence, BB. I have considered actually applying, but I don't have a job where that would be cool. Plus, I don't know if I could bring Sammy. Big negative.

3. What is the last book you read? Well, I have been meaning to finish up Po Bronson's What Should I Do With My Life? but I am behind. It's really good. I am really embarrassed to say that as a librarian, I don't read very many books per year. I used to read on my lunch break, but now I go home to walk Sammy. He's not too spoiled, is he?

4. There are many songs that bring us back to a certain memory. What song(s) do you HATE to hear for that very reason? Ugh, anything by D'Angelo. I used to date a guy who was really into him, and he cheated on me, so I can't stand D'Angelo now. I even gave away all my albums. I don't want any of that Brown Sugar.

5. If you could go back in time to be any place in world history, what time would you choose and what country/place? I was an ancient history major, so anything in Ancient Rome or Greece or Egypt would be right up my alley. I also like the American Civil War period. So that also would be cool. I don't know how much I would like living without hand sanitizer, though. And they didn't have toilet paper in ancient times, either...ugh, it was so germy back then!

6. Do you know more than one language? Um, languages come very easily for me. Unfortunately, this skill didn't help me in algebra class, where I crashed and burned. I wouldn't say I'm fluent in anything other than English, but I can hold my own in German. I can read French (don't ask me to pronounce it, because I butcher it). I can have small talk in Spanish. You might say I am fluent in Latin, although I am very rusty. Ancient history major, you know. Took it for years.

7. What is your favorite blog? Please link it. One only. Shoot. This is hard. I don't really have one favorite. Ha ha, I'm copping out on this one. I have about 10 that I absolutely adore. They know I love them. How about a substitute question? Here goes: If you could take a trip anywhere, right now, where would you go? Well, not Lebanon. How about Ireland? I'm mostly Irish. I'd love to visit the town where my family is from.

8. What is your favorite web site? Duh, my email inbox! Just kidding. My blog. Again, kidding. Um, well, if I want info, I love Wikipedia. IMDB comes in handy, too. So do Snopes and Bloglines. Gosh, this wasn't a very original answer. Anything funny or info-packed is good in my book. Oh, and cooking sites. Recipes are so easy to find. I love that.

9. Your house is on fire, the people and pets you love are safe and you can grab one other "thing", what are you taking? Besides my wallet and checkbook? OMG, I don't know. Either my favorite ring or my violin. The ring has been passed down to the oldest daughter upon her college graduation for four generations. And it's gorgeous to boot. Otherwise, I'd grab my violin. Which I don't even play anymore. But it belonged to my great-grandfather, so it's really old and sentimental. I'd probably grab that. Or photos. So I guess that is more than one thing....

10. You have $100 to spend in the next hour. How are you spending it? (Saving it or giving it away not permitted.) Oh, mama. Wow. I would probably get a digital camera. Or some new clothes--I need pants/skirts. Who am I kidding. I'd spend it all on makeup and candy. Gah, what is wrong with me???

Ok, another meme coming up later....today is a double post day since I'm leaving early.

Pics

Hey look! It's my feet! At the beach. I took this when I was at Folly Beach a few weeks ago. The water felt soooo good! Note my freakishly long toes. Actually, this angle makes my thighs look kinda big...


This is a shot I took while on a moving boat. Pretty good, huh? We had a nice sunset that night.

Just in case you are really bored and/or nosy, this is my kitchen. It is the only part of my apt that I don't like. Notice how there is no countertop. It is a kitchen designed for people who hate to cook, and therefore, have no kitchen equipment.

Here, you can finally see the back of me. That is my baby. He is very tired. I am thinking this would be a good avatar....what do you think?

Ok, that is it for now. Just wanted to share some pics.

Note to self: take more interesting pictures.

Meme Stolen from K

Got this from K's Myspace page. She is the best roommate ever. I love her. Because she lets me gank stuff from her blog.

Have You Ever...

Taken a picture naked?
No, but a nippled slipped out once. Semi-intentionally. (I was sending the photos to my boyfriend at the time).

Danced in front of your mirror naked?
Yes, but only until my boobs started hurting.

Told a lie?
Yes. But not very well. So I don't do it anymore. Now I'm like George Washington.

Had a one night stand?
Uh...no comment.

Been in a fist fight?
OMG, no way. I am the biggest wuss ever.

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Hasn't everyone? It is the worst pain ever.

Been arrested?
No, unfortunately I am somewhat of a goody-goody.

Fooled around in your parents house?
In their house, in their car, in their bed....(it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it grosses me out. A lot.)

Ditched school to have sex?
Never. Goody goody.

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex..
Yes, but only for sleepover purposes. All very G-rated. Except for that one time when we had a pillow fight in our underwear and made out afterwards. Kidding.

Seen someone die?
Yes, my dad. Very surreal and scary.

Kissed a picture?
Yes. But not since like 7th grade.

Slept in until 3pm?
Only if I were very sick or hungover (back in the day)

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
Not since I was a kid. I used to do it with my brothers and we would argue about what the clouds looked like.

Played dress up?
Every time I go out!

Fallen asleep at work/school?
Never at work, often at school.

Touched a snake?
Yes. Once is enough.

Ran a red light? Yes even though I am a big hypocrite. It is very dangerous and causes lots of accidents.

Had detention? again, Goody Goody-ish.

Been in a car accident?
At least 4 times.

Pole danced?
Ooh! No, but good idea!

Been lost?
Yes, but only when people give me bad directions. Then I look at the map and figure it out on my own. Some people can't give directions.

Sang karaoke?
Yes. Usually Al Green or B-52s. Or Madonna.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
Um, all the time. Life would be pretty boring if I didn't. Then I'd be hard-core Goody Goody. That's no fun.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
Yes. Ouch.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Yes. Again, once is enough. I love hot weather.

Kissed in the rain?
Actually, I don't think I've ever done this. Another good idea.

Sang in the shower?
All the time!

Ever gone to school without underwear?
Once I went to school without a bra on. Seventh grade. Don't ask me how I forgot. I'm a dumbass.

Sat on a roof top?
Yes. Probably to chuck stuff at people below.

Played chicken?
I play it in every relationship I've ever been in. Relationships are a series of Chicken Competitions, I think.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
No, which is ironic because I'm one of the few people who wouldn't care all that much. I'd probably laugh and then get the instigator wet!

Broken a bone?
Yes, my left metatarsal. (foot) It's funny, because it aches right before it starts raining. No joke.

Mooned/flashed someone?
I can't believe I have never done this. Well, not to a stranger. Just a boyfriend once.

Had sex with your socks on?
There is nothing sexy about socks. They are totally "verboten" in the bedroom. I will stop the show to make the guy take them off.

Slept naked?
Yes. I would do it every night, but now I have a roommate, so it doesn't seem appropriate. Plus, I worry that if the house were to catch fire, I'd be running out onto the parking lot naked. In front of firemen. Actually....now that I think about it, that wouldn't be too bad...

Played a prank on someone?
This is something I need to do more often. I'm sure I have, but I don't recall the last time.

Felt like killing someone?
Yes. It was probably a man. Or The Czarina.

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
No, apparently I am incapable of encouraging any sort of emotional outpouring from anyone with a Y chromosome.

Cried over someone?
Hello, I do this all the time. If I'm tired or hormonal, I will be cranky and over-analyze everything. I will invent all these ideas in my head where Repo actually hates me. And I start the waterworks. This is, obviously, annoying and frustrating for him. So Repo has set up "No Crying Zones" to get me to stop. He'll say, "This is a No Crying Zone! You can't cry here!" It makes me laugh. Then I stop crying. So it works. He's awesome.

Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
Yup! I think we made it to 12 actually...and no, it wasn't Repo.

Had/Have a dog?
YES!!! Sammy Baby!!!

Been in a band or played an instrument?
Violin. 10 years. I was in the orchestra. Even the Band Geeks were cool to us.

Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol?
If I ever did, I don't remember...

Shot a gun?
Yes. And everyone in my family is a decent shot, so don't piss us off! Note: just because I know how to shoot a gun doesn't mean I am comfortable being around them. They make me nervous.

Played strip poker?
I don't think so. But I probably should....

Setting The Record Straight

Just in case you are as bored as I am and you Google me, you need to know that the following people are not me:

This VB (Anyone who knows me personally will laugh when they see what this girl's about! Same name, yet my total opposite!) is not me--she appears to be brunette, for Pete's sake.

This VB isn't me either. Although some people think I am part Asian, I assure you I am 100% Honkey. Plus, I am not all that into photography.

Although I am quite fond of my boobs, I can most definitely assure you that I am not a topless model from the 1950s. [Warning: this link is not appropriate for work or children.]

I did not just die in March. I am not from Nebraska. Please don't call me "Virgie".

But I did learn that there is a song about me. And I must say, I am flattered.

This was kinda fun. Anyone else have funny Google hits?

Books I've Loved and Lost

Blatantly stolen from Sam. And yes, I visited the website so I didn't feel so bad about it. Very cool site. Will read it.

Felt I had to do this list, considering my current occupation.

Directions: Review the following list of books. Boldface the books you've read, italicize those you might read, cross out the ones you won’t, *put an asterisk beside the ones on your bookshelves*, and [place brackets around the ones you’ve never even heard of.]

Yes, I am so dumb I had to make the directions clearer. Shut up. The list:

The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
[The Time Traveler’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)]
[His Dark Materials (Philip Pullman)]
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (J. K. Rowling)
The Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
Animal Farm: A Fairy Story (George Orwell)
Catch 22 (Joseph Heller)
The Hobbit (J.R.R. Tolkien)--I read half of it. Not sure how that counts.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time (Mark Haddon)
Lord of the Flies (William Golding)
*Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)*
1984 (George Orwell)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (J. K. Rowling)
One Hundred Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
*Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)*
The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)--this almost got a strike out.
The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
Slaughterhouse Five (Kurt Vonnegut)
[The Secret History (Donna Tartt)]
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
*The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C.S. Lewis)
[Middlesex (Jeffrey Eugenides)]
[Cloud Atlas (David Mitchell)]
Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
Atonement (Ian McEwan)
[The Shadow of the Wind (Carlos Ruiz Zafon)]
The Old Man and the Sea (Ernest Hemingway)
The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
The Bell Jar (Sylvia Plath)
[Dune (Frank Herbert)]
[Sula (Toni Morrison)]
[Cold Mountain (Charles Frazier)]
[The Alchemist (Paulo Coehlo)]
[White Teeth (Zadie Smith)]
The House of Mirth (Edith Wharton)
Where the Red Fern Grows (Wilson Rawls)

Oh man, that was humiliating. I haven't read many of these. I know I am going to catch a lot of flack for the Harry Potter thing, but I just don't do kiddie stuff, ok? I don't like Disneyworld, I don't watch Cartoon Network. I'm sure they're great stories, but they should have been written when I was little. Like the Chronicles of Narnia. Those are awesome.

As far as Curious Incident and Kiterunner are concerned, they just aren't my bag. They seem kind of depressing to me.

And yes, I added the last one.

Don't give me crap about not owning many of these. I am a librarian. I do not believe in paying for books. I believe in getting them for free from your library. And then paying for them in late fines. I occasionally buy books from the sale table at Barnes & Noble. Or steal (I like to use the term "borrow") them from friends.

As a librarian, I am ashamed to see that I haven't heard of some of these. Some sound familiar....and I am familiar with Toni Morrison, I have just never heard of that particular title. What can I say? I'm more of a nonfiction reader. And when I grab fiction, I reach for classics. They make my brain work. Trust me, it's needed.

Trivia fact: I have been thisclose to the typewriter used to write Catch-22. And original unpublished screenplays written in F. Scott Fitzgerald's own hand. They're in the library at University of South Carolina. I took a special course in grad school. Bow before me.

If you have read any of the ones in italics, please tell me how they were. I will appreciate it!