Fun Fall Stuff!

Fall is such a fun and exciting season. You have cooler weather, beautiful leaves, Halloween, yummy apples, football, school starts...and this year, we have the election to boot.

Although we are still wearing flip-flops and dealing with 90 degree temperatures here in SC as we watch the weather report closely (Hurricane Ike is a Category 4 -- EEK!), I can tell that fall is coming. I can't wait to put on boots and turtlenecks.

I'm rambling. What I wanted to share with you today are some fun things I have found on the Internet, and they all happen to be fall-related. Here goes.

Back to School: Ever wonder what your hair would have looked like if you were in an old yearbook? Go to Yearbook Yourself and see what you would have looked like back in the day. I was crying laughing at this site, y'all. It is hysterical. Even funnier when I used CN's photo and saw what he would have looked like in the male photos. Don't forget to save the pics and email them to your friends. This is my favorite site, I swear.

Election: Is anyone else thinking that Sarah Palin is a dead ringer for Tina Fey? Cuz I am! Check out this photo:
I hope SNL jumps on this ASAP. Is Tina guest hosting any time soon? I'm sure the writers could come up with something. If not Palin, Tina could also do a fantastic Winona. Check this one out:
They could all be sisters!

Football: First of all, I would like to say how freakin' awesome it was that Alabama beat Clemson this past weekend. Not only do I not like Clemson, but I am a huge Alabama fan. Roll Tide!!!! I am hoping that Nick Saban can lead the Tide to a winning season this year. After so many heartbreaks in the last few years, it's nice to see this happen. :) My whole family is full of Tide fans. Not only did my dad attend Bama and play for Bear, but he also used to teach there. He remembered seeing Joe Namath throwing a football around in the school cafeteria!

And now, The Czarina is starting to become a South Carolina fan, although this is more to do with her 40-year-long crush on Steve Spurrier than anything else. Every time I bring up his name, I have to listen to her say, "Oh, I have had the hots for him since he was a quarterback for Florida!" -- she's such a dork.

Oh, but what I was going to say.......The Czarina sent me this funny email, describing the differences between college football down south vs. college football up north. It was too good not to share. (I have added a little bit myself!):

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. Wear jeans & sweatshirt.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for. Wear cocktail dress in team colors, complete with coordinating heels and sterling silver jewelry with team mascot charms.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people. College football stadiums can hold the entire population of certain small countries.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never Broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band... who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. A 16-hour day of eating and drinking takes place, followed by a giant bonfire at midnight.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the state's third largest city. Game days are responsible for approximately 25% of the college town's economy.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumb**ch - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumb***h - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. He is the 3rd generation announcer for the team. But you probably knew that already, because there's a bronze statue of his grandfather by the press box.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.

Sundays:
NORTH: Sleep in or go to church. Don't think about football until next week. Slowly gain anticipation for basketball or hockey season instead.
SOUTH: If you get up in time for church, you smell like bourbon and listen to a football-related sermon, then run home to watch all the press conferences, team football shows and coach interviews that you recorded while you were at church. Eat, sleep and breathe college football until January.

[Y'all, I wish I was kidding, but these are all pretty much true!! As for the lightbulb jokes below, we have all got to learn to laugh at ourselves, right?]

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football! And for SEC Fans:
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.

At FLORIDA: It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA: It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY: It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE: It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, “GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".

At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA: It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

CN is recording the South Carolina/Vandy game for me right now. I can't wait to run home after work and go watch it!!! Go Cocks!!

Unfortunately, I don't know if the Alabama game will be televised on Saturday...but it's ok. I'm sure I will read all about it in the paper! You'd have to live under a rock to get away from SEC football down here. :)

Half a Thursday 13

I have been racking my brain for blog post topics, and nothing is gelling. Everything I come up with is either boring or not long enough to require its own post. I think I am getting writer's block again. *sigh* I will try to do better tomorrow. For now, this will have to suffice. I suck. I know. I just don't have a lot going on right now, peeps. Sorry.

1. Heath Ledger was apparently taking Ambien, and it sounds like they may have played a role in his death. (Obviously, we don't know for sure yet). I do not take sleeping pills, since my problem is usually trying to stay awake, but I know people who do take Ambien. And I have heard some crazy, crazy things -- my friends have done things while on Ambien and did not realize it until later, almost as if they were sleep-walking. I have friends who have had sex, driven their cars, had arguments with their boyfriends -- all while on Ambien. The scary part is, it seems that no one can tell when they are on Ambien or not. This is really scary to me, the thought of doing things while you are sleepwalking, and no one can tell you are sleepwalking. I'm actually kind of hoping the FDA will take another look at this drug, because I'm starting to think it is not safe.

2. I need to start planning something for Valentine's Day, and I need your help. CN said he already has mine all planned out. I know he is taking me out to dinner, but I don't know where. He won't tell me anything else.

I asked him what he wanted for Valentine's Day and he looked shocked. "What? You don't have to get me anything! It's Valentine's Day! I'm supposed to do something for you!" he replied. (Reason #5201 on the List of Reasons Why I Date Him). He told me that I should not do anything for him at all. Which basically went in one ear and out the other. So........does anyone have any good ideas?

I already have a small surprise for him. And I did talk him into letting me make him dinner the day after Valentine's Day. But I was thinking about getting him something small and inexpensive. Maybe a gag gift. And what should I cook? Steak and mashed potatoes? Spaghetti? Lemon chicken? I think I'm going to make him a heart-shaped cookie cake, too. Complete with a sappy message written in icing.

Yeah, I know. Barf.

But it is nice to finally have a good Valentine's Day, after last year's totally crappy one. So please, if you have any really good ideas, please share!!!!

3. Thank you, everyone for your supportive comments on my last post. I have lost a total of 3 pounds, somehow. I have good days, where I am totally on-track diet-wise, and other days, where I have the self-control of a toddler (helllooo, chicken fingers for dinner last night!!). It is nice to hit the gym again. I'm back to being able to run 2 miles without stopping, so that is good. Hopefully, I will get to my goal weight eventually. I am sore today from running. So I'm proud of myself, at least today.

4. I think that DVR will be the death of me. One of the ways I reward myself for going to the gym is by....sitting on my ass, watching all the shows I missed while I was at the gym. And for that, I am forever grateful to the inventor of DVR. But now, I have approximately 12 hours of tv watching to do. And I have to hurry, because I'm falling behind. Every week, there are new episodes of all my current favorite shows:

~Nip/Tuck (obviously!) -- and I haven't watched it this week, so don't spoil it for me!
~Biggest Loser -- thank you, CN, for getting me addicted to this 2-hour-long show!
~Celebrity Rehab -- I swear, VH1 makes the most vacuous-yet-addictive reality tv shows.
~My Fair Brady -- the new season just started. This is probably the most ridiculous waste of time on television, but I can't stop myself. They are just so dysfunctional!!!
~Any IU basketball games that happen to come on tv down here -- IMHO, they should ALL be broadcast down here, because we are ranked 7th right now!!!! YIPPEE!!!! Go Hoosiers!!!
~random shows from Courtv, History Channel, TLC and Discovery.

Oh, I almost forgot. There is a new show called Cashmere Mafia. I thought it was going to be a cheap SATC-wannabe, but I figured it probably at least had great clothes, so I recorded it just to check it out. And I was instantly hooked!!! If you liked SATC, give Cashmere Mafia a chance, girls! It's done by Darren Star, the same guy behind SATC, so it has the same vibe.

So that is about 13 hours of tv a week. Yeesh. The good news is, there's always something to watch. The bad news is that it's hard to watch it all in time. I have forced myself to set up the recordings to be automatically erased in 14 days. So I'm on a time crunch.

If any of you are also hooked on any of these shows, tell me so we can chat about it!!! What shows are you hooked on right now? Do you have any recommendations for me?

5. OMG, I cannot wait to pay my taxes!!!! I know that sounds crazy, but this year I should get a nice tax refund, thanks to my house. I am using all of my refund (Ok, most of my refund) to pay down some credit card debt. I can't wait! It will feel so good to write that check.

6. KT is moving back to her hometown in New York state, and MJ and I are really bummed. We only have 2 more weekends with KT. :( It won't be the same without her. It's like we are going to become the Two Musketeers. It's just not the same. I have that Paul Young song in my head: "Every time you go......away.....you take a piece of me.....with you......" *tears up* But I'm trying to stay positive about it, and I'm grateful for the fact that we live in a modern world, complete with airplanes, cell phones and myspace.

7. Jeez Louise...that's all I have going on??? My life is practically one big yawn. I apologize, guys. But between gym trips, work, errands, cleaning and hanging out with my peeps, I haven't had a lot of extra down time for super-great blogging lately. Something cool will happen soon, and then I won't have writer's block anymore. CN did send me some funny videos recently. MJ didn't like them, but I thought they were hilarious. Hopefully, I can at least make you laugh today. Enjoy! WARNING: These are NSFW videos, so wait until your boss leaves or your kids are napping before you watch them!

Bits/Pieces

Friday night was SO much fun! MJ & VW ended up being Britney Spears (complete with Chee-tos, pregnant tummy and much-dropped baby) and K-Fed (I swear, the guy is a dead ringer for K-Fed!). CN looked great in his Super Troopers costume. Vermont, our Rat Pack friend who happened to be in town, went as a character from Major League (please don't ask me who!). His roommate was a hunter and wore camouflage. The Runner was the Burger King and his friend (girlfriend?) was Kendra Wilkinson, one of the Girls Next Door. KT couldn't go because she was sick.

When we got to the party, there were lots of snacks and a keg. There were about 50 people there, I'd say, so it was a good crowd. Here were some of the costumes:

Little Red Riding Hood & Wolf (a couple -- cute idea, huh?)
Batman, Robin and the Joker (three friends)
Roman soldiers (complete with fake, bloody wounds)
a fairy (who smoked like a chimney, which was funny to me)
Jessica Rabbit
a witch
various X-Men characters
Indian princess (that was the hostess)
Dr. Seymour Bush (a "gynecologist" -- get it?)
cowboys/cowgirls
another Burger King guy
a female gangster
a flapper
Catholic school girl & guy (that was E & B)
Cleopatra
Coach Steve Spurrier
Dog, the Bounty Hunter
Borat

......and finally.........drumroll, please........the winner of the costume contest was a guy who dressed as this guy:

And from the moment he walked in, everyone knew he would win. The costume was just too funny. He was so tall he had to keep ducking in all the doorways.

Despite all of my Paris Hilton accessories, no one knew who the hell I was. Probably because I don't really look like her, even with a blond wig on. Oh well, it was still fun. MJ and I got into a Britney/Paris catfight and VW and CN tried to break it up. We got it on film for posterity's sake, you know. Then she and I made up and were friends.......until we got into another mock cat fight, also on film. It was fun. CN kept arresting everyone.

MJ's pregnant Britney belly was so well-done, some other girls at the party thought she was really pregnant, and when they saw MJ smoking and drinking, they were so offended, they went inside and talked smack! It wasn't until late in the party that they realized she just had a pillow taped to her tummy, so they ran out to tell us what they had thought, and we all had a good laugh.

CN was quite the little social butterfly that night, and I hardly got to talk to him! He was so busy talking to VW, Vermont, Vermont's roommate and The Runner, I didn't even realize he was getting trashed! By the time we left, he was slurring his words. He cracked me up the whole way home.

Somehow, we lost track of Vermont. Rumors circulated of he and Butter having hooked up (which bothered E, because she and Country Boy are on-again, off-again) but I am starting to think those rumors are not true. We still don't know where Vermont spent the night! There was a lot of confusion, drunkenness and phone calls going on. B & E thought we were all following them to a bar, but when we got there, we couldn't find anyone. So it was pretty chaotic by 3 am. No one knew where anyone was. We are still emailing about it, trying to get the facts straight.

CN and I crashed out hard-core and didn't wake up until about 11:30 the next day! I took a shower and then went out to lunch with his parents, who had me in stitches the whole time. After we ate, he and I were total couch potatoes for the rest of the day! I couldn't even stay awake for the USC/Tennessee football game -- CN had to keep waking me up for all the big plays!

And no, I DON'T want to talk about the game. Those refs made terrible calls and that last kick was total.......ok, that's all I'm going to say. *sniff!*

Speaking of USC, you have probably seen this in the news. Please keep these families in your minds today. It's such a sad story. My friend, Butter, knows the family that owns the house that burned down, so this hit pretty close to home for her. And please, since daylight savings is this weekend anyway, use this story as a reminder to check your fire alarms in your home.

Although I'm sad about the students and the football game, I'm going to try and focus on getting excited for Indiana Basketball!!!! The first exhibition game is this Sunday. I would like to just throw out there that the Hoosiers are ranked 9th in the ESPN/USA Today pre-season poll. So for all the UNC, Duke and Kentucky fans (my favorite teams to hate!)-- get ready!!!

But before all of that starts up, I have to say that I am the MOST excited about THIS new season, which starts tonight!!!!



I read in People magazine that there will be an episode this season where Julian McMahon does naked push ups!! Be still my beating heart!!!


Because I talk so much about Julian McMahon's hotness, I think CN is a little bit jealous! But he doesn't have anything to worry about. The chances of me ever meeting Julian are pretty slim. Besides, I highly doubt I'll ever have a conversation like this with Julian:

CN: Hey, I need to take you out on Thursday. We should do something nice.
Me: Oh....kay. Sounds good. But um....why?
CN: It's the first.

It will be our 2 month anniversary. What guy celebrates the 2 month anniversary???? I'm telling you, he's unreal. I didn't even realize the first of the month was our anniversary. Good grief.....

The Pick-Up Artist

In case you cannot already tell that my personal life must be deathly boring right now, I will continue on with my dating topic....

So this weekend, I caught the encore presentation of a new VH1 show called "The Pick-Up Artist". Like most new shows these days, this is yet another reality competition show. They have gathered up a group of geeky, shy and/or insecure single men and this guy who calls himself "Mystery" is going to teach them how to pick up chicks. Each week, the weakest link will be eliminated, which will only serve to increase their insecurities, which makes absolutely no sense to me. (If they are doing poorly, don't they need to stay on the show??) The winner gets $50k, and I presume, lots of one night stands with unsuspecting 21 year olds. Anyway, here is the trailer for the show.



I don't know if you can watch episode one on the VH1 website for the show or not, but the site does provide a good background on the show's idea, as well as photos of all the contestants. I am going to summarize the first episode here in this post.

When the show first came on, I thought, "Sweet! This fits in perfectly with my blog!" -- which should really point out how much of a nerd I am. Then I thought, "I bet this show is going to be really bad. It can't be better than 'Beauty and the Geek'." [Note: If you have not watched "Beauty and the Geek", I highly recommend it. The geeky guys get coaching from real, actual women, which is how I think every dating coach show should go.]

There are about 8 guys on this "Pick-Up Artist" show. None of them are going to be SOL. Well, except for the token Ultra Nerd, who seems to be one action figure and 20 years away from being a real-life Andy Stitzer. But the rest of them definitely have hope. A couple of them are pretty cute, actually. One guy claims a lot of girls think he's gay. One guy feels he's too old to be doing this, another guy totally freezes up anytime a cute girl is nearby. But for the most part, they just seem to lack confidence, a surefire way to fail at picking up girls. Like I said, though, there is hope for pretty much all of them.

After "meeting" all of the contestants, I was expecting the coach to be a modern-day James Bond: suave, adult, classy and very masculine. I pictured an incredibly attractive and charming Armani-suit-wearing Calvin Klein underwear model. "Oh, PLEASE be Julian McMahon!" I thought. Who comes out? Some Goth version of Kid Rock. He calls himself "Mystery". My eyeballs almost rolled right out of my head. I think I may have laughed out loud. He had SO many strikes against him, right off the bat, in my book:

1. What's with the pseudonym? How pretentious!
2. The only guys who can wear eyeliner and get away with it are Johnny Depp and David Bowie. But that's IT.
3. Guys who paint their fingernails black? EW. Creepy.
4. What's with the goggles, hats and other costume-y outfits??? It looks stupid. Like he's trying too hard for attention.
5. Long hair??? Didn't that go out about 10 years ago???

So as you can tell, he failed to impress me. At all. "That guy couldn't pick me up if he paid me a million dollars. This ought to be good. I can't wait to rip this 'expert' apart. He's probably just as clueless as his students," I thought, as I settled into my couch, along with my diet coke and animal cookies.

But my eye-rolling wasn't done yet. "Mystery" had assistant coaches: "Matador", a cocky, swarthy, Latino-type guy in a leather jacket and "J-Dog", who with his platinum-bleached hair and black stripes down the side of his head (yes, you read that correctly), struck me as The Guy Who Tries Too Hard, rather than some dating coach. He claims he's an engineer by trade. "Yeah, right. I know so many engineers who sport fur coats and dog-spike collars," I mentally sneered.

"I wouldn't touch any of these guys with a ten-foot pole," I thought. "They are all pretentious, cocky and gimmicky. They look like groupies for some Motley Crue Reunion Tour." *more eye rolling*

I almost changed the channel to alleviate my nausea, but then the contestants started to get under my skin. If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's an Underdog Guy. Much like "Average Joe", I was hooked instantly and rooting for all of them.

After all the initial introductions, they threw these poor, unsuspecting guys as-is into a large bar in Austin, TX. It was full of beautiful co-eds. Each one of the guys failed miserably-- boring approaches, awkward comments, depressing topics and entirely too much staring ensued. One guy turned into a complete wallflower and spoke to no one at all, preferring instead to be the Creepy Guy Alone at a Bar (NEVER EVER be that guy. EVER. It is pick-up suicide). In short, they all crashed and burned. I realize it is important to illustrate to the audience how pathetic these guys are, but it's not like they needed to be reminded! My heart went out to them. They were crushed! One guy was crying! I had no idea it was so challenging and stressful for some guys to even just simply talk to a woman! WOW. My eyes have been opened, and I think I will be a lot nicer to creepy jerks and losers who try and talk to me in bars.

But I digress.

My next thought was, "Wait. These guys are all saying they'd like to have girlfriends, but it looks like this show is trying to get them hook-ups or one-night stands. I'm thinking there was a miscommunication along the way. These are Nice Guys who just need some confidence-building. This Mystery guy sounds like he's going to turn them into players! We don't need more players!!! I wish they would show these guys they don't have to choose between Awkward and Asshole!!!! There is a third choice, and it lies in the middle. It's called Awesome. THAT's what they should be aiming for!!! This show is ticking me off!!!"

I almost chucked my remote at the tv at this point (Ok, not really, but it paints a nice image, right?). Then it cut to a shot of all the guys standing in front of Mystery and crew.

"I'm going to ask you guys a pretty personal question right now," Mystery said.
The guys looked at each other nervously.
"How many of you are virgins?" he asked, bluntly.
HALF THE CONTESTANTS RAISED THEIR HANDS.

I couldn't believe it. The youngest guy on the show is about 25, I think. I had no idea it was so bad. "Holy Shit! Forget girlfriends! These guys need to get laid!!" I thought. "I mean, they just need something to get them over the hump, so to speak. They do need this cocky asshole of a coach! WOW!"

This completely blew my mind, y'all. I mean, I could see firsthand how terrible they were at approaching women, but I thought for SURE they must have had some drunk night in college where they lucked out. Um, not so much! These guys need serious help. Some of them have never had girlfriends. Ever.

Mystery & Crew went over each guy's footage with them (the poor guys were filmed as they tried to pick up girls, as if they needed more stress added to the situation...). And although Mystery, Matador and J-Dog made me want to barf, I have to say, their critiques were DEAD ON. It was like they were taking the words right out of my mouth: "Why did you ask that stupid question? Why do you think that would work? Where is that conversation line even going? Why are you ignoring her friend? Can't you tell by the look on her face that she wants you to go away?" etc. Every criticism and comment illustrated the coaches' PERFECT understanding of how to approach a woman successfully. The best tip I heard? NEVER start out with introductions. Women don't like telling strange guys their name. You can get to names later. "Holy shit. That's absolutely right. I never realized that!" I thought.

To add insult to injury, for the last part of the show, Mystery and his Wingmen went into the same bar, about 30 minutes later and showed the contestants how it's done. The Nice Guys were blown away at their success. The Pick Up Artists (PUAs) were totally opposite in their behavior: confident, interesting, upbeat and fun. And although I cannot STAND the way they dress and look, I have to say that at least they would put me at ease. I can't say they'd be successful at getting my number, but I'd definitely rather talk to them than the insecure guys.

Needless to say, I'll be watching Episode #2 tonight at 9pm EST. Want to join me?

If you want more info about this Mystery guy, check out these websites:

Holy Cow, he's got a Wikipedia entry.

His "Venusian Arts" homepage [Insert eye-rolling here.] It claims to have free tips on there, but all I can find are descriptions of his seminars, which cost a SMALL FORTUNE and are SELLING OUT despite that fact. (This totally blows my mind that guys pay so much money for this!!!) I guess I shouldn't be surprised at all of the plugging. This guy is making a living doing this. This is America, after all.

There's also a blog, which has a video I presume is to illustrate the PUA lifestyle: an endless stream of random, half-naked and beautiful women in your bed. [Insert more eye-rolling and gagging here.] It's not really 100% work-appropriate, btw. I can't believe this is the "ideal" lifestyle for so many men. I would title the video "The Fastest Route to Herpes" if I had my way. Is this guy for real? Do men find this lifestyle fulfilling? Is this what men are honestly striving for?

I guess I don't understand men as well as I thought I did....

Anyway, make sure you catch the video of Mystery's interview on Conan O'Brien. (There's a link to it in the sidebar of the blog I just mentioned.) Conan rips him apart, and it's hilarious. As if I need another reason to love Conan O'Brien! I friggin love that guy. I was actually upset when he got married. That's who I want to approach me in bars! Where are the Conans of the world???

Getting to Know Me...

Getting to know all about me....(are you singing the song yet? ha ha!)

I was lucky enough to be double-tagged today. I guess that means I've been tag teamed? LOL

Ah, being a pervert is fun. What do non-pervs do for a laugh?

I love being tagged because...well, who doesn't? I'm thinking this is my reward from the Blog-gods for catching up on a bunch of blogs this week.

First, I am being interviewed by Fluffycat. She asks 5 questions, I have to answer them. Those are the meme's rules. And you know how I feel about rules. Here we go.

1. If you could choose to have a weekend passionate fling with Julian McMahon or a million dollars tax free, which would you choose?

Wow. This is a very tough call. Can I ask for references from his ex-girlfriends before deciding? Because if he doesn't know what he's doing in the sack, then that would just be a waste of time. Then again, he could just lie there.... Hmmm...I'm going to have to go with the moola. As totally kick-ass as that would be, I could really use the money! I have a mortgage now. People own my ass. Sorry, Julian. You will have to settle for more of my dreams where you feature prominently as a sexual object. Hey, wait, if I had a million dollars, I bet I could figure out how to meet him in person anyway...SUH-WEET! I am all about having my cake and eating it, too.

2.What is one book you think every woman should read?

OMG. I have no clue. And I'm a librarian. That is sad. I can recommend books for days, but when you limit me to books for women...There are so many different kinds of women, but I guess I am most familiar with what it's like to be a single woman. So I'm going to go with that facet of femininity. I would recommend The Rules (ooooh, and I am going to catch SO MUCH FLAK for even saying that! I can hear the comments flying in!) because I do honestly believe there is something to be said for playing hard to get. It's not about games or messing with people's minds. It's about self-respect. And whenever I don't follow The Rules, I regret it, every time.

I guess I'm going to have to lump He's Just Not That Into You in here, too. That's another great one, and along the same philosophy lines as The Rules. Greg Behrendt has a 2nd book out, which I believe he co-wrote with his wife, called It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and that is also fantastic.

3. What color would your bridesmaid dresses be if you were getting married in June?

Ok, this question made me laugh out loud. It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything because I probably would have snorted it. This question is equivalent to asking Paris Hilton when she plans on going to med school: Why would you even bother asking this? It's never going to happen. Anyway, I digress. Knowing me, it would be pink. Probably like a fuchsia color, because I think that is the most fun color ever, which my bridesmaids would HATE wearing. So I'd have to change it. Maybe a two-tone dress, combining coral pink and baby pink. But I also like aqua sort of shades, greens like this and maybe a khaki/navy combo. (I saw a wedding once where the bridesmaids wore khaki, and it looked fantastic next to the white wedding gown and bright flowers. And navy and white also look great, IMHO.) So the short answer is: I have no freaking idea. Definitely not red or black. Just not me.

4. What is the first thing you notice when you meet an attractive man?

Ok, so we've established that he's attractive. Woo-hoo! A hottie! Jackpot! Ok, not necessarily. Let me think...probably his level of confidence. After that, brains, and after that, sense of humor. Followed up by a zest for life and kindness. If there's chemistry, too, it's time to place your bets on when he and I will be sucking face.

5. What celebrity are you sick of hearing about?

Ugh, at this point, Anna Nicole Smith. Why is she still in the news??? Let her poor, sad soul rest. And I think all those relatives and friends of hers who have come out of the woodwork and seem to be eying her money should be ashamed of themselves.

I'm not going to say Paris because that girl is like a train wreck -- I want to see just how bad it gets. And I'm not going to say Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, because I am secretly hoping they both get their acts together and have major comebacks.

WOW. That was really fun. Thanks, Fluffycat! Wanna be interviewed by yours truly? Here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Meme #2 of the day is courtesy of Vixen over on Mysterious Meander. (Yes, this is the same blogger who writes Bad Girl's Guide, in case you are wondering.)

I think I'm supposed to explain 5-10 goals I have, and then tag some more people to do the same. Here goes.

1. Learn more. I loooooove learning new stuff. I wish I could be a college student forever. There are so many classes I want to take: history, Italian, drawing, art history, more German, painting, sculpture, Russian, world religions, psychology, criminology, epidemiology, cooking, creative writing, British literature....luckily, I can take one class per semester for free. Woot! I might be taking a German class with MJ soon, actually. We were talking about doing that. I'd better get on the ball if I'm going to be fluent in 5 languages before I croak.

2. Find a career that I truly love. I have been working on this for a long time, and it's been a constant battle for me, as my passions lie in career paths which do not pay well. And it's hard to enjoy your wonderfully fulfilling job if you're terrified of your bills. If you want the complete story, I have posted about this in this post. (Heads up: it's a very long post!)

3. Have kids. Notice I do not say anything about having a husband. Yes, it would be peachy keen if I had someone other than my mother to call when I have good news. And a guaranteed resource for sex-on-demand would also be fantastic. But I could do it on my own. I can see myself doing the whole single-mom thing. I doubt I'd ever go the sperm bank route, though. Just personal reasons. I mean, why have labor if you don't have to? If I hit 35 and have no hubby, I'm going to start looking into becoming a foster parent. Having kids in my life is something which would make me feel incredibly fulfilled. And I think the foster care system in this country is effed up beyond belief, so I'd like to make a difference, even if it's only with one child.

4. Travel more! This is going to be my next New Year's Resolution, I can tell. I love traveling and I haven't been out of the country since December 2000. There is nothing like traveling to make you learn about yourself and the world as a whole. It gives you a new perspective on life. Sounds cheesy, but it really does. And there are so many wonderful places to go!! On my list of stateside spots: Vegas, NYC, Miami, New Orleans, Texas and California. Abroad, I'm thinking the Caribbean, Ireland, Britain, Scotland, Germany, Russia, Prague, Thailand.....wherever, really!

5. Be better with money! That means saving, paying off debt, making sure my retirement plans are okie dokie, learning more about how to invest wisely, understanding how to save money on my taxes....you name it. I'm cheap in some ways, but for the most part, I'm a spender. Not something I'm super proud of. I'd like to change that. (Also, if I start saving money, I can do #4, so this one is a double-whammy).

6. Make more memories with my family. It's terrible to say, but you never truly appreciate your family until you lose a member. When I think about all the times I could have talked to my dad or my brother and chose to watch tv or talk to a friend instead, it just kills me. I could have been really bonding with them in ways far beyond quick small talk at the dinner table. I want to take trips, have more inside jokes, more phone calls and just generally be there for my siblings and Mom. Much more than I have been. Don't get me wrong -- my family is miles from where we used to be. Now my brothers and I call each other about once a month and catch up. And I just love that. But the whole seeing each other only at Christmas? I really want to change that. It might mean moving back to Virginia eventually, I don't know.

If I can do all these things, I will die a happy girl.

Ok, who to tag....how about Single Guy Blogging, Low Tide, RWA, Mieke, Coco and Jonathan?

I am On Crack Today...

Greetings, Readers. Hope everyone is well. I am getting the urge to post, but nothing is really gelling, so this will probably sound like the rantings of a 12 year-old dealing with Ritalin withdrawl symptoms. My brain is ADD central right now. This post will be kinda goofy and random.

My tummy has been queasy lately. Off and on, not too badly. I think it's all the cake I've been eating lately. Thanks to my diet (13 pounds lost so far! Go me!), I don't eat a lot of sugar anymore. By coincidence, I've had a lot of cake and sugary items in the past week. I'm thinking it's not sitting well with my uber-sensitive tummy.

And I know what you are thinking. No, I have not been having up-against-the-wall, hot, nasty, animal-noise making, sweaty, monkey sex with Hot Neighbor. *pauses to imagine so described sexual encounter*

I am NOT (repeat) NOT pregnant.

No, in fact, I've been very busy not having sexual encounters of any kind. [Insert chorus of "Awwww...." here] Which is getting old, but let's not throw a pity party, ok? Ok.

Hot Neighbor has been out of town and/or working long hours lately. So I have had no opportunities to get my flirt on. HOWEVER, I do have some leftover lemon-almond-sour cream pound cake that must leave my house or else it will just ruin my diet! And who but Hot Neighbor can eat it? Hmmmm..can't think of anyone. Everyone I know is on a diet. Oh well. Guess I'll have to donate it to my hot, lonely, eats-pizza-and-other-non-homemade-food-for-dinner neighbor. Shucks. Hate when that happens. I mean, what guy wants to be seduced by homemade baked items? Maybe I can wear a whip cream bikini....he might need some for the cake. *daydreams again*

And despite all my myspace hunting abilities, I don't think the cute guy I met last Friday has a myspace page. I tell ya, it's hard being a myspace stalker. You have to prepare yourself for disappointment. Fingers crossed he will be there again this week at Happy Hour.

I just realized that my weekend is starting tonight. Not in the "Woo-Hoo, I have a long weekend because I took some days off!" way, but in the "I am a slave to my social life and I still think I'm 21!!" kind of way.

I will be regretting this decision to go out tonight and tomorrow....it will all hit me at approximately 6:15am on Friday morning. But right now, I'm excited. Woooooh! Party!!

Tonight is a friend's birthday, tomorrow is stirring up trouble with MJ & KT, Friday is Happy Hour and Saturday is the annual St. Patty's Day Festival. (Which will be about 12 hours in duration and WAY fun.)

Did I mention that I'm still adjusting to daylight savings time? Yeah..."nap" doesn't even begin to explain what I will need.

My stomach, ass and entire upper body are killing me right now from my 2 hour Suicide Mission at the gym last night. Sometimes I get really into working out, so I figure I'll take advantage of it, and then I try to see if I can give myself a heart attack on the elliptical machine. The good news? I did three push-ups on my toes last night. (Read: This is nearly impossible for me to do normally. Shut up. I am a weakling. 3 is a lot for me.) The bad news? I am sooooooooooore. But the good kind. I don't need painkillers or anything like that.

Mmmmm....painkillers.

Have I ever told you that I like to make up songs? I do. (See? I told you I am ADD Girl today!) I like to sing (badly) and I like rhyming, hence my goofy songs about my family and friends. Usually I forget them, but I have written a song about my dog, so I want to post it before I forget the lyrics.

It all started when I would come home from the gym and get in the shower. Sammy would always watch me because he's weird and perverted (Hmmm...like mother, like dog...), and so I started singing to him. For some reason, he likes to lick the shower door, too. Very strange. In case you are wondering, no, I do not lick shower doors. (Ew.) However, not unlike my dog, I have been known to chase balls on occassion......

But I digress. (Ok, seriously, what did I eat today??? I think I am on crack...)

Keep in mind this is just the first 3 verses. There will be more, I am sure. Oh-- by the way, this is a country song, so imagine a June Carter-type twang. *ahem*

"Sammy is a Good Dog" -- by VB.

Ohhhh....

Sammy is a good boy,
He always wags his nub.
And there never is a big fight
When it's time for rub-a-dub.
He likes to run and bark a lot
When he gets all riled up,
But he's the cutest thing on 4 legs,
He's my favorite little pup!

Chorus:
Sammy is a good dog
He's the best dog ever was,
Although he snores to wake the dead
And hocks up chunks of fuzz.**
He can be real stubborn
and always wants his way,
But if there's one thing that I know,
My love will never stray!

Sammy licks the shower,
I do not understand.
But when he snuggles on me,
It really is quite grand.
His favorite food is ice cream,
And he can eat a lot.
But the coolest thing about him
Is the tiny little spot!*

Chorus again

Sammy used to have some balls,
He lost them long ago.
So now his favorite thing to do
Is chase them to and fro.
He will chase them anywhere
But mostly down the halls
Whatta I think is going on?
He's looking for his balls.

Chorus again

*Sammy has a little diamond-shaped spot on the top of his head.
**He also likes to eat the fuzz off of tennis balls. Sometimes he gets tennis ball fuzz hairballs. Yeah. [In Fat Bastard voice] He's dead sexy.

I haven't posted any pics of Julian McMahon lately, so here is a good one I found:



Huminahuminahumina....Oh what the heck. Here's another...sweet mother of Jesus.....!!!!



I am gradually working my way through season 1 of Nip/Tuck. So I get to see this type of stuff a lot. *sigh* Thank you, Netflix!!!!

Did you know he's got a movie coming out this weekend? Oh yes, children. He and Sandra Bullock star in it together. Luckily, I like her, so she will not need to be assassinated. Did I mention that there is a SHOWER SCENE in this movie? As in, Julian enters shower. Julian has no clothes on. Julian gets wet in the shower. As in, VB passes out in movie theater and will need smelling salts in order to be revived before she gets brain damage. Yeah.

Guess where I'll be on Sunday, after all my partying is done!

After proofing this and re-reading this post, I've come to the conclusion that I am too...
A) weird
B) ADD-ish and
C) too much of a dork

to ever get the chance to date...
A) Hot Neighbor
B) the cute guy from Happy Hour or
C) Julian McMahon

Ugh. They would all think I'm a complete psycho if they ever read this. So please, don't tell Julian about my blog. I'd appreciate it. Because I look at him and think: "Monkey Sex!!!!"

The Oscars & Fantastic Weekend

OMG where to begin.

Friday night I went to my usual Happy Hour at Wild Wings with E and the rest of the Happy Hour Girls. (Sounds like a band, doesn't it?) This time, I brought along K, MJ and KT. As I was leaving, Hot Neighbor came home and got to see me looking good--finally!!! We made some small talk as K and I got into the car. I knew that was a good sign. Once we got there, I introduced the Happy Hour Girls to everyone else.

Later on, Mack Daddy and J-Rich stopped by Wild Wings to say hi. (They are part of the Wild Youngins crowd. Guy pals of mine who are somewhat younger than I.) By this point, I felt like I knew everyone in the building. It was kind of challenging to circulate between the groups, because we were all spread out.

I caught up with friends, flirted with boys (there were quite a few cuties in there), played matchmaker (unsuccessfully, I might add!) and generally laughed my butt off the whole night. My friends are hysterically funny and I love them. We even created some inside jokes that night. The Happy Hour Girls even bought me a virgin shot since it was my birthday weekend. They ordered a round of Shaved Beavers for everyone, and so my "Virgin Beaver" ended up just being Red Bull, but it was still fun. (OMG I can't wait to see what the Statcounter brings up on that one....)

Despite the fact that I love him like a brother and he is the funniest mo fo around, MJ didn't go for Mack Daddy simply because he's younger than her. By a year. And I guess the fact that maturity-wise, he's at about the level of an 18 year old didn't help....*sigh*. Oh well. I tried. I wish my little sister was older, because I am just nuts about this kid. If he tried hard enough, he could probably get me to wet my pants from laughing.

I was exhausted by the time I got home. The next day, I got up and went to lunch with KT. We grabbed Mexican at my favorite Mexican place, and then hit the mall. I will have to take pics of what I bought so I can share. After that, I raced home and got ready really fast.

I threw on my new cobalt blue satin tank with tie-sleeves, black pencil skirt, black jacket, fishnets and black stiletto pumps. I wore cobalt blue eyeshadow and black liquid liner. (Sounds funky, but it worked.) Somehow, I managed to get my hair to look great, too, in one of those Gwen-Stefani-inspired ponytails. I was quite the little glamour queen, and MJ and KT didn't disappoint, either--we looked smashing, dahling. Yippee!! Time for birthday fun.

MJ and KT had planned on surprising me and taking me somewhere, but apparently KT and I spent too much time shopping (oops), so by the time we went out, it was almost 10pm, so we had few options. We decided to go to my fave restaurant, Yesterday's. (Gee, how awful!) After dinner, I celebrated with a little white friend I will call "Mr. Vicodin". He's fun. (I should probably stop with this before I end up like Matthew Perry. Although, I can totally understand how he got addicted, because these little guys are f-u-n. But the way I see it, other people get drunk, so how is this different? We all have our vices. I've only got like, 10 of them left anyway. What else am I going to do with them?)

Why am I justifying this to my readers on my own blog?? Look, I like vicodin and I take it recreationally. And I will continue to do so until I run out. There. I said it.

After that, we decided to go to Liberty's ("We are dressed for it," we agreed.), where we proceeded to catch a terrible case of the giggles, leading us to take silly photos and have even more inside jokes. Next was The Flying Saucer, with more giggles and finally The Wild Hare, where we proceeded to almost fall off our bar stools from laughing so hard. According to MJ and KT, I am very "entertaining" when on vicodin. They like Vicodin VB. And I have to confess, I enjoy being her, despite the fact that I slur my words and totally forget what I'm saying halfway through the sentence.

We closed down the bars and they took me home. I was totally exhausted and didn't get up the next day until 3pm! That is the latest I've slept in in probably a decade. I finally dragged my butt outta bed and took a shower. I was going to run some errands when I remembered I needed to change my air filter. I don't have a ladder, so I needed to borrow one.

Hmmm...who should I ask??

Why, Hot Neighbor, of course. It went like this:

*knocks on door*

*Hot Neighbor and 2/3 of his children answer the door. He looks fantastic and the sunlight catches his golden-brown eyes. The tshirt, which is tight against his pecs and arms doesn't hurt, either.*

VB: Hi, sorry to bother you, but do you have a ladder I could borrow?
HN: Did you say a lighter? You want to borrow a lighter?
VB [to herself: Shit, did I say lighter?]: No, I need a ladder. I have to change my air filter.
HN [shouting to his mom]: Mom, can you watch the kids for a second? [to me] I don't have a ladder, but I can see if I can still change it for you.
VB: Oh, thank you so much! [Oh crap! Is my house a total wreck? What is out that could embarrass me to no end? Crap. I can't think of anything. That means something embarrassing is inevitably out in the middle of the living room. Gah, I hope he doesn't see my bedroom. It is a total disaster zone.]

*We go to my house. Sammy likes him. This is a good sign. Then again, Sammy likes everyone.*

*Nothing embarrassing is out. Whew.*

HN: I just need to stand on this chair. I promise I won't break it.
VB: Oh that's ok. I don't really like that chair anyway. [That is not true, but whatever.]

*HN reaches up to open vent and replaces it for me. I try not to look up his shirt while he's standing on the chair. Must. Not. Look. Or. All. Will. Be. Lost.*

VB: Thank you so much. That is really nice of you.
HN: Hey, it's nice to know I'm good for something around here.
VB: Well, if you need more to do, I can think of a few things.
HN: Oh yeah? Like what? [He is inching towards me as I back up against a wall. Eeeek!]
VB: Oh, you know....things....

*He lays a big one right on me!!! Holy schnikes!!!!*

Ok, that's not really what happened. If it was, that would have been the first thing I would have blogged about today. Duh! You are so gullible.

Ok, here's what actually happened in reality, as opposed to inside my head.

HN: Well, it's nice to know I'm good for something around here.
VB: It's a 3 month filter, so you don't have to worry. I won't be bothering you for a while.
HN: Oh, that's ok. It's just me over there, I'm by myself most of the time.
VB: Well, that can be remedied.
HN: Yeah? You got any ideas?
VB: [a slow smile creeps across my face] A few.
HN: Care to share?
VB: Uh-huh. [I grab him, pull him to me and give him a big smooch!]

Ok, that didn't happen either. After he said he was alone most of the time (awwww!), I thanked him again and he left. Yeah. It was a lot more interesting in my head. Sorry, guys. But K thinks he was hinting around with the "I'm lonely over there in my house, all by myself most of the time" comment. I don't put as much stock into it. She seems to think he's really into me, but I don't see it. Not in reality, anyway. Inside my head, we spent the rest of the afternoon in my bedroom. My brain has already worked out all the details, you see.

I did find out that he's got his kids every other weekend. Useful information.

*sigh* I guess I will just have to pine away for him. And check him out by peeking through my kitchen window. (Is that weird that I do that? Ugh, I am stalking my neighbor.)

The good thing is, I now know the following things about him:

1. He might know how to fix stuff.
2. He probably doesn't have a girlfriend.
3. He might be lonely.
4. He is nice enough to help me with stuff. Even when his kids are over.
5. He wears those tshirts a lot.

Whew. Ok, subject change before I need a cigarette. (I'm quitting soon! I swear!!!)

The Oscars. Did anyone else notice the conspicuous absence of the following people?

1. Renee Zellweger
2. Jennifer Aniston
3. Vince Vaughn
4. Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones
5. Charlize Theron
6. Halle Berry
7. Courtney Cox-Arquette and her hubby
8. Jake Gyllenhaal
9. Selma Hayek
10. Heath Ledger and Michelle What's-Her-Name
11. Uma Thurman
12. Sandra Bullock and her hubby
13. Keira Knightley
14. Sienna Miller
15. Hilary Swank
16. Lisa Kudrow
17. Ben Stiller & wife
18. Luke and Owen Wilson
19. Jennifer Garner (I saw Ben Affleck, so maybe she was there somewhere...)
20. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
21. Katie Holmes (again, I saw Tom, but not her)
22. Natalie Portman
23. Claire Danes
24. Drew Barrymore

There are more I'm sure I haven't thought of, but doesn't this list seem kind of strange? I mean, I know there are only so many tickets available, but some of these are big names! I guess a lot of them didn't have movies this year, or they were in comedies....or television...I don't know how it works as far as who gets invited. But it seems there were a lot of conspicuous absences.

Time to play Fashion Police for a second. My favorites were Rachel Weisz, Cate Blanchett and Reese Witherspoon. The Worst Dressed goes to Faye Dunaway, Kirsten Dunst and Jennifer Hudson (she should have left that jacket at home!). Wanna see what I'm talking about? See the pics here.

Play Fashion Police with me! Who did you like/hate?

Hypothetical Birthday!!

A meme my friend did on myspace. Since it's almost my birthday, I figured I'd pretend...

Hypothetical Situation: It is your birthday today.
All of the people you care about have come together to make this one of the most special days of your life.
From the biggest dream to the smallest detail almost anything is possible. [Woo-Hoo!!!!!]

MJ & KT-- are you taking notes???? Because this is your cheat sheet for Saturday. Just in case you need ideas for my surprise this weekend.

1. You can wake up in any city. Where are we?
Someplace warm and tropical. Bahamas? Yeah. Sounds good.

2. You have a special alarm to wake you. One of your favorite musician(s) has come to play for you. Who is it?

Yes! So far, my hypothetical birthday kicks ass. I would have either Outkast or Gwen Stefani wake me up. Maybe Dr. Dre. Or RHCP. Or P-Funk. Dang, I can only pick one??? That's hard.

What song(s) do they play for you? -- If Outkast, I'd want something from their Aquimini album (whatever track #12 is). If Gwen Stefani, it would have to be "What You Waiting For?" As for the other musicians, I pretty much like everything, so anything goes. Dang, that is hard. I guess if it came down to it, I'd pick Gwen.

3. You have access to any meal, any chef, or any restaurant's menu? What are we having for the first meal of the day?
It's my birthday, so there are no calories, right? Ok. Breakfast consists of the following: blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, coffee, orange juice, cranberry juice, water (shut up, it's my hypothetical birthday. I can have 4 drinks if I want), chicken biscuits (from Chik-fil-a), hashbrowns and cigarettes. You can sit in the non-smoking section if you want. But I'm having coffee and cigarettes while I wait for my food.

4. A celebrity from TV (or show cast) has come to serve you or join you for this meal. Who is it?

Yes!! This kicks ass. I will have the cast from Sex and the City, thankyouverymuch. They will be in character as they dine with me.

5. After eating you have about 5 hours of free time to do whatever you want. You may choose any activity big or small, what would you like to do most? (Remember it's your day)

I would play on the beach with my dog, go shopping, go scuba diving, go to a spa and get one of everything, go on some kind of ghost tour/historic home tour, rent a convertible, eat an ice cream cone, ride on a really fast boat and make out with Hot Neighbor. Not necessarily in that order.

6. You receive your first gifts. You don't own these items already, but want them most. What are they?
a. one of those BIG iPods. 30 giga-tons of storage.
b. a new bed and matress set
c. hardwood floors for my house
d. a suh-weet digital camera
e. a brand new, state of the art, superduper fast laptop

7. It is time for our last meal before the party, what's the menu?
macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, grilled cheese, diet coke, quesadillas, black beans, steak w/sauteed mushrooms, sweet potatoes, tacos, yogurt, bruschetta with garlic bread, peanut butter sandwiches, nectarines, berries, ice cream, brownies, candy....and more cigarettes.

8. This meal is one you share with the people closest to you, who do you want to join you?
friends and family...everyone i know and love! The more the merrier. Oh, and Hot Neighbor. Because he's hot.

9. As a big surprise, a movie star is here. You and this person are off to visit, film a PSA, and give 100,000 dollars to your favorite charity in your name. Who is with you?
Cool!! In addition to the cast of SATC? And Gwen? Crap, I don't know. I'd probably pick Kate Winslet. I love her. Or maybe Renee Zellweger. NO!!!! I would pick Mike Myers. Definitely. Final answer.

9a. What is the Charity?
Something related to alcoholism, like The American Council on Alcoholism. Or a homeless dog rescue organization.

10. Time for the party. Describe the location or theme.
I have always wanted to go to a masquerade where everyone is in full-on, head-to-toe, super elaborate costume and you spend the evening trying to figure out who everyone is. I'd want it to be sort of a Mardi-Gras theme...lots of peacock feathers and jewels. My costume? Cleopatra.

Hell, yeah. So far, my hypothetical birthday is kicking ass. Onwards...

11. Who is the house band? or what is the DJ playing?
all of the musicians I've mentioned here! Lots of danceable hip-hop, pop, Motown, bluegrass, etc. Some 80s. Some alternative. Every song is either great to dance to or great to sing to. Too many artists to list. Lots of Prince and Nelly, definitely. I will just hand him my brand new iPod which is now full of all my songs. There will be absolutely no jazz.

12. Describe the food spread
Didn't I already go over that? Ok, I guess there's hella food at my party. Seems logical enough. Let's see. I'd have a full, open bar, complete with "near beer" and carbonated grape juice for me. A candy bar (minimum 100 varieties of candy). A cigarette bar. A Quesadilla station. A chocolate table (anything and everything chocolate). An ice cream parlor area--at least 30 flavors and toppings. A bake sale (all proceeds benefitting above-mentioned charity). A fruit smoothie station. One of those guys who stands under the heat lamps and wears a tall chef hat while slicing prime rib. A junk food table (complete with Doritos and Oreos). An ice sculpture of Sammy. The waitstaff will serve the following off of silver platters: cocktail shrimp, mini-cheesecake bites, baked brie, chocolate truffles, chicken nuggets from Chik-fil-a, cigarettes, teriyaki chicken strips on little skewers and vicodin. Vases of beautiful and fragrant flowers decorate the tables. Lots of candles and sparkly things. Chandeliers. Did I mention that the waitstaff consists entirely of ex-boyfriends? Who aren't being paid? And don't get to take home any leftover food? Or take breaks? And must apologize profusely to me every time they see me during the party? Yeah. I told you this party kicks ass. Because I'll have your exes there, too, and they will have to do the same thing.


12. Everyone is enjoying your favorite drink, what is it?
It would be a drink invented that day in honor of my birthday. It would be named after me. It would be bubbly and sweet, like me. It would be hot pink in color and the ingredients would probably include Chambord, champagne and ginger ale.

Did I mention that somehow, I magically look 25 pounds thinner in all the pictures from the party? Because I do.

Did I mention that everyone makes a toast to me? And then everyone breaks out into song, because they've all been practicing on a very funny song written especially for me? Yeah.

13. Tell us about your birthday cake?
Right now, all I can think about is the chocolate-cherry pie filling cake that KT is making for me, so it would probably be that. Or pineapple upside-down cake made by my mom. Or the poundcake that K's mom makes. It has cream cheese icing. Mmmm. No, I think KT will win. Chocolate is sounding pretty good right now.

14. It's time for your big gift, what thing do you want most?
A brand new red convertible!!!!! It would be made by Honda, stick shift, V8, seats 4, has an iPod adapter, tinted windows, killer sound system, tires that never go flat, drink holders that actually work the way they should and gets 84 miles to the gallon....*sigh* This car exists. It's my hypothetical birthday.

15. Finally, before bed, you are given a special gift or jewelry by your significant other which means so much as a symbol of your relationship. What is it?

his absence??? LOL

I don't have a significant other. I'd probably be too pooped by this point to care, either! Although, I'd probably get Hot Neighbor drunk at my party so I could seduce him. *daydreams for a minute*

But if I had a S.O., I'd want a big, honkin' canary diamond ring. Not necessarily an engagement ring. Just a big phatty, blinged out ring. Yellow diamond. Ooh, probably from Tacori. Anything from them, actually.

16. If 15 doesn't fit you or if you and your significant other want someone to join you, who do you take to bed with you? I told you it was a special day! Pick anyone/anything.

Besides Hot Neighbor? Besides Sammy? (I can't sleep unless he's in the bed!) Duh. I would pick Dr. Hunktastic himself: Julian McMahon from Nip/Tuck. We will have lots of sex and babies one day. He's the one who just gave me the phatty ring.

Happy Hypothetical Birthday to Me! What would yours be like? More importantly, am I invited?

Thursday 13

Argh. My post was eaten! Bad Mozilla! Bad!

I had originally wanted to make a list of my favorite healthy foods, but then I got smart and realized no one wants to read that, right? *crickets chirping* So that's why, instead, I present to you...

Thirteen Celebrities/Fictional Characters I Hope I Never Have to Sit Next To on a Plane

1. Carrot Top (there is a reason he's #1. Can. Not. Stand. Him.)

2. Hannibal Lecter, Dracula or anyone else who wants part of my body for their own personal consumption

3. Norman Bates or Charles Manson. Psychopaths in general.

4. Barney (obviously)

5. The alien from Aliens -- all that goo dripping onto my book? Ugh!

6. The Budweiser frogs ("Bud..." "Weis...." "Er..." x 673 = total insanity)

7. Michael Jackson (Don't feel I need to explain that one...)

8. Richard Simmons (I think I would end up suffocating him with a pillow)

9. The Energizer Bunny (OMG, can you imagine???)

10. Kim-Jong Il (I don't care how "wonewy" he is, I don't wanna sit next to him!)

11. Kathy Griffin (I'm not picking on redheads! It's just a coincidence that I don't like her!)

12. Rosie O'Donnell (She's really just a big, fat mouth with legs, isn't she? Shaddap already!!)

13. Jar Jar Binks (See #8, above)

Surprisingly, I wouldn't put any of the following on the list, because although they are annoying, they might be entertaining on a plane ride:

Paris Hilton and/or Nicole Richie (it would be fun to see just how stupid they are)
Star Jones (I'm curious to see just how much of a diva she really is!)
K-Fed (ok, who am I kidding...he's a waste of space)
Courtney Love (she'd probably be wacked out on something, which is always entertaining)
Joan Rivers (she'd be fun to talk to -- you could make fun of people together)
Matthew Lesko (he could probably hook me up with some sweet deals, at least)
The Travelocity Gnome (although those commercials are stupid, I'd probably get a great deal!)
Tom Cruise or any Scientologist (just listening to them explain the loony beliefs of their cult would make the trip go by faster!)

Who'd I miss? I know there's got to be more....

Effing Thursday 13

I JUST typed this out. Then I did something and erased it ALL. Anyway, here is my Thursday 13. Late, as usual. Oh, and men probably aren't going to want to read this.

Fourteen (Bite Me!) Things Indicating I am Hormonal 1. I. Can. Not. Get. Up. Must. Sleep. All. Day. 2. I have no interest in healthy eating. I want cheese, chocolate and Chik-fil-a. With a side of Oreos, Doritos and that cheese sauce at Mexican restaurants. And a bacon double cheeseburger. Don't even TRY to stand between me and my chocolate ice cream. 3. Seven zits appear overnight. They all hurt. 4. Road Rage? Check. 5. I turn into a total klutz. Spilling, falling, tripping. I make it all look easy. It is like stunt week for me. 6. I am Little Miss Negative. I am fat, stupid, fugly, boring, annoying, mean and I suck at my job. Really, I should be shot because I am a worthless human being. 7. I suddenly have only a rudimentary grasp of English. 8. My tits are killing me!!!! Where can I get a bra that is made of steel?? No jogging this week. None. 9. I look and feel like a puffed-up toad. 10. I spend 50% more time in the bathroom. 11. My brain is playing its own version of duck, duck goose: headache, headache, headache....MIGRAINE!!! 12. Any thinking over about a third grade level is just not feasible. 13. WHY am I crying? Why? No one would cry over this!!! 14. Everybody sucks.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Soo....I just realized that I'm supposed to notify people on the TT website whenever I do one of these. Oops. Oh well.

I was going to share some pics with y'all, but they haven't hit my email yet. I will try again in a little bit. Oh, and since it is Fun Friday today, here are some cool links:

The Duggar Family -- that weird family with like 13 kids. They have a website. Who knew.

Did you know you look like a celebrity? You can see which one you resemble here.

Oh and I so want to buy something from this site. I am weird because I think they are funny.

Happy weekends, everyone!!!!