My New Home

One more thing about ring info: so we were worried about getting the ring, which is currently in Belgium, over to the United States without paying major customs duties. Then my mom found out that her friend is vacationing in Europe in March. So my aunt is going to just meet up with her to give her the ring while she's on vacation. Problem solved! Yay!

Ok, on to other big news: my new place in Savannah. Last weekend, I went down to Savannah with CN to look at places. We stopped at a property management place to get keys so we could go check out some places.

"Ok, which properties do you want to go see?" the lady behind the desk asked.

"510 Price....203 E. Gwinnet..." I said, reading off their list of properties for rent.

As CN and I were figuring all of this out, a girl about my age walked in with her mom and her sister. They walked up to the desk and had the same conversation with the lady.

The girl recited the same addresses we did! We laughed about it, and then decided that hey -- we might as well carpool! So we all piled into CN's car (he has GPS, which came in very handy) and started looking at places. We had SO much fun! I learned that she is a newlywed whose hubby is going to be a student at the school where I'm going to be working. She's moving up from Orlando and is just a little bit younger than me. She and I really hit it off. She's totally adorable!

Most of the places were total dumps. I'm talking visibly slanted floors, back doors that literally do not close, washers/dryers in the middle of the kitchen, leaking ceilings, wobbly staircases, you name it. It began to be really funny and we all started just making fun of the places. Each one was worse than the last.

As we were finishing up looking at places, she said she had another appointment at 2pm to look at a place I hadn't heard about. I asked her if we could tag along, and she said sure. So after we split up for lunch, we met her at the 2pm appointment. The guy there showed us around here. While it was a lot nicer than anything else we'd seen that day, he could tell that none of us were blown away. They were a little cramped for my liking. And since they were new construction, I was a little let down. I really had my heart set on living in an old house.

So after showing us around, the guy said, "Ok, I was planning on trying to sell it as condos, but I'm not getting a lot of bites in this market. So would you like to see the house I bought and restored? I've decided to rent it out. It's not part of this organization. It's my own personal thing and it's a block from here."

"Sure!" we replied.

We walked down to a yellow house, built around the turn of the century. The bottom floor has a one-bedroom place for me and a 2 bedroom place for the other girl and her hubby. There's off-street parking and the rent was about $100 cheaper than other places on the same street. We are 4 blocks from Forsyth Park and about 2 blocks from the grocery store. I can still walk to work, too. Plus, it's JUST been re-done. No creepy bathroom or old appliances.

We walked in, I took one look at the gorgeous hardwood floors and the beautiful decorative fireplaces and the normal-sized kitchen (a rarity in downtown Savannah!) and shouted, "SOLD!"

The other girl took one look at the upstairs place and fell in love, too. So we are housemates! Isn't that so weird how we just randomly met like that??? And she is so cool!

What's even weirder is that this is not the first time this has happened to her! The last time she went apartment shopping, she met a girl in the rental office and they ended up being roommates and very good friends! They lived together for 6 years before she got married last year. The girl was even in her wedding! Very strange.

So we go back to the office to sign the leases with this guy, who is extremely nice. "Oh! I need to call and cancel my next appointment. I was going to go look at a house over on Lincoln street, but I guess I don't need to now," she said.

"Wait....1003 Lincoln St.?" I said.

"Are you the 4:30 appointment?" she asked.

"Are you the 4:00 one?" I asked.

We burst into giggles.

Anyway, here are photos of our house. I'm on the bottom, she's on the top. (Ooh, that sounds pervy! Tee hee!). I took photos of the inside, but they are on her camera, and I'm waiting for her to email them to me. This is all I have for now. The first one is the front of the house, the 2nd one is the back of it:
There's hooks on the ceiling of the front porch where we can hang a porch swing! Woo hoo!
And yes, he's going to landscape/pave this so it's not just dirt. Those 2 windows on the bottom floor are my kitchen.

Yay! We have been calling and messaging each other on facebook already. She likes to cook! And drink coffee! And she has a dog!

This is so awesome.

Or so I thought. Stay tuned....

CNversations

I need to do a better job at remembering to share the funny conversations CN and I have. He seriously cracks me up. Other times, I'm stupid and/or deaf, which makes an otherwise mundane conversation hilarious.

A few weeks ago, I stopped by his house when I got home from work. I was sitting on a barstool, talking to him while he was in the kitchen, re-heating some leftovers for me. I hadn't had dinner, and I was starved.

"So, babe, did you have a good day? What happened, anything interesting?" I asked.

What he said: "Yeah. Not much. How 'bout you?"

What I heard: "Yeah. Not much. I love you."

"AWWWWWWWWW!!!! That was so sweet! I love you, too!" I exclaimed.

A look of total confusion spread across his face.

"Um, ok. But I didn't say that," he replied.

We had a good laugh about it. And now, when we are feeling goofy, instead of saying "I love you" we say "How 'bout you?". He loves to say that I hear what I want to hear and that I don't listen, citing this conversation as evidence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every once in a while, CN will be driving around town somewhere for work and he will call me for help. Since he conducts background checks on people, he has to interview a lot of people all over town all day: former employers, former teachers, ex-spouses, etc. Sometimes, his GPS system won't find an address he needs, so he calls me at work so I can look it up for him on Mapquest and give him directions.

Today was one of those days.

"Hi, babe! I was wondering if you could look up an address for me," he said.

"Sure! Let me pull up Mapquest here..." I said, typing. "Ok, what's the address?"

"200 Hardwood," he said.

*pause*

"Wait...did you just say 'hard wood'?" I asked, stifling a giggle.

"Yeah, baby! As in hard wood!" he answered, using a silly voice. I could practically see him doing some pervy hip thrust, complete with the white man's overbite and emphatic arm thrusts.

I laughed.

Then, he gave the obligatory joking reference to his own "member", which I will not share here, much to the relief of my audience, I am sure. (I swear, it is a law of manhood that at every opportunity, a guy is supposed to reference his...member. Men are obsessed with their own penises. Obsessed. It's ridiculous.)

"Good grief," I replied, rolling my eyes. "What pervert named that street?" I said.

"I know, right?" he replied.

I searched for the address in Mapquest. No results.

"I can't find hard wood," I replied, grinning.

[Insert CN's 2nd perverted reference to his member here. Yes, I walked into it, I know. Ah, the joys of dating a fellow pervert...]

"That's ok, babe. I'll just call the guy back and ask him to give me directions," CN said.

We said good-bye and got off the phone. I wonder how CN phrased it...maybe he had to stop and ask someone on the way over there....

Yes, hi, I can't seem to find Hardwood...

I'm sorry, but I've looked everywhere, and I just can't seem to figure out where Hardwood is...

My GPS is telling me there's no Hardwood anywhere around here...

Sorry to bother you, but do you know how to get to Hardwood?

Tee hee. I hope no one yells at him for being a pervert!

Another Conversation with My Brain

So I have a problem. And only a guy can help me with it.

Ew, stop right there! I know what you are thinking. Pervert!

Ok, actually, I guess I would need help with that, too, at this point.....

*sigh* Being a perv who can't get any is tough. The jokes aren't as funny after a while.

Alright, back to the story. The problem is, I need to change my air filter, and I am too short to reach it. I need a guy to change it for me. And Hot Neighbor is out of town, not to mention, he's got that stupid girlfriend who doesn't seem to understand that he's supposed to be dating me. That leaves my next most obvious potential air filter changer: Cute Neighbor.

Cue the next Conversation with My Brain.

So last night, at about 8:30, I told Shy to shut the hell up and walked over to his house to ask if he could help me out with this little problem.

"Oh God. You're outside. You're really going to do this, aren't you?" said Shy, trembling.

"Dude, he's going to be SO stoked that you are asking him for help. You are cute and single and friendly. What guy wouldn't want to help you with your air filter? It takes all of 3 seconds. Afterwards, you two are going to have a nice chat and then he will ask you out!" said Confident.

Stupidly Optimistic agreed wholeheartedly. "Don't forget to offer him a beer and invite him over for dinner!"

"Yeah, and your boobs look big in that t-shirt," said Pervert.

"If he invites you in this time, you should go in and suck his face off!" chimed Horny.

"This is a bad idea. He's going to think you're a weirdo. Or worse, that you are interested in him," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"DO NOT give that impression!" shrieked Single Girl.

"Oh. My. God. You're really doing this, aren't you? There's still time to change your mind, you know," said Shy.

"SHUT UP, SHY!!!" everyone shouted. (Everyone hates Shy. They think she's stupid. To be honest, she is pretty annoying.)

I knocked on the door. "That wasn't very loud. There's no way he will hear that," said Good Point.

"Wait! Is that him inside, making that noise? He's probably looking out the window right now to see who it is. Don't look!!!" said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Dude, where is he? It doesn't take this long to answer a door!" said Impatient.

"Can't we just forget this? I'm tired," said Diet & Exercise. (I was pooped from my trip to the gym)

"Yeah, I think we're missing Forensic Files," said Nerd.

"She just didn't knock loud enough. But I think maybe she did that on purpose, because if she doesn't get a chance to talk to him, then she doesn't have a chance to mess things up," said Over-Analytical.

"Ooh, you might be on to something, for once," said Good Point.

"He's taking a long time because he doesn't know if he wants to talk to you. He's watching you right now, trying to decide if you are normal or if you are stalking him. This was one of your more genius ideas, I must say," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Oh crap, how does your hair look? Are you standing so that your good side is facing him when he opens the door? Just try and look nonchalant. And remember to smile," said Single Girl.

"What is the big deal? Jeez Louise, you aren't asking for the moon! But you could stand up a little straighter. Stop slouching," said Inner Mom Voice.

"Ok, fine. Do it. See if I care. Shit, go ahead and knock loud as hell. But have you considered what, exactly, you are going to say?" asked Shy.

"She's going to say something charming and brilliant, and possibly even hysterically funny, if you must know," said Confident.

"No! No! Say something which lets him know you want to get in his pants! Flirt your ass off! Wink! Touch his arm! It's your big chance!" yelled Horny and Pervert.

"Ok, you are going to have to knock again. I don't think he heard you," said Good Point.

"Oh he heard her. He got up, looked out his window, thought, 'This crazy bitch is stalking me!' and sat back down. That's what happened," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Maybe we are here at a bad time? Perhaps he's sleeping or on an important phone call," said Good Point.

"Or he thinks you're the FBI, coming to arrest him!" said Overactive Imagination.

"Or he's watching porn!" said Pervert.

"Tee hee!" giggled Horny.

Impatient sighed. "Can we go now? This is stupid."

"What I want to know is, how long are you going to stand here on his doorstep like an idiot. Anyone want to put some money on this?" said Cynical.

"You fool! Run!!!!" said Panic.

So I quickly walked back to my house and shut the door behind me.

"Gosh I'm glad you said that, Panic!" exclaimed Shy.

"You don't deserve those tits. I think you need to donate them to someone who might actually USE them," Cynical said.

"You are totally pathetic. I am so disappointed in you. You need to take advantage of the ideas I plant in your head, you know. I don't come up with good ones every day," said Single Girl.

"Seriously, are ANY of you even surprised at this point? I mean, come on, look who we're dealing with," said Pity Party.

"I told you this was a bad idea!!!" shouted Shy.

"Ok, so we weren't super confident today. That's ok, we will just try again when you get home from work tomorrow! Maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves. Tomorrow we will be calm and more confident. You can do this, I know you can," said Confident.

"Dude, come on. You know he wants you," said Stupidly Optimistic.

"Can we watch Forensic Files now?" asked Nerd.

"Yes. Please. I need some peace and quiet. Even if it involves learning about how some husband in Michigan chopped up his wife with his wood chipper. Anything, if only y'all will SHUT UP," I said.

Have Fun Living Alone!

OMG, you guys. TGIF. That's all I can say right now.

Soon, I will be living alone for the first time in 3 years. WOOT! And let me tell ya, I'm excited. I have made this list of fun things you can do ONLY if you are a single woman who lives alone*:

1. Eat ice cream for breakfast. Topless.

2. Stay in your pjs until 3pm, complete with unbrushed teeth and dirty hair. (Ok, you could do this if you lived with people, but they would probably think you are weird.)

3. Make the executive decision to stop shaving your legs for 2 weeks.

4. Walk around topless. With the blinds open. (Oops! Sorry, Hot Neighbor!)

5. Do your ironing in your underwear. (WHY do I enjoy doing that so much???)

6. Watch soft porn in the living room.

7. Sleep naked and then spread eagle on the bed without getting jabbed in the ribcage for hogging it.

8. Designate an extra room as "The Junk Room" and put whatever is bugging you in there. That way, your house is perpetually and inexplicably tidy. Little do your houseguests know....

9. Or you could designate the room "The Dressing Room" or "The Party Room" or "The Girly Girl Room" or whatever the hell you want.

10. You can paint your bathroom Kool-Aid purple. Btw, yes, Virginia, you can paint it in your underwear.

11. Talk on the phone very loudly and for as long as you like. No censoring necessary. Snorting laughter optional.

12. Bring home hotties. (Not that I have much luck in this department...) Make them breakfast in the morning. No whispering required, unless it's naughty little things in his ear.

13. Never wait in line for the washer/dryer. Or remove other people's lint from the dryer vent. (UGH one of my biggest pet peeves EVER.)

14. Never worry that someone is hogging all the hot water. Or the driveway.

15. Dance around your living room to Britney Spears/Hilary Duff/some other bubblegum singer you favor, although you'd never admit it publicly. Nakedness is optional.

16. Let the dirty dishes pile up, the dust collect on the shelves and the smudges cover the surfaces. It's only your dirt. No one else has to see it.

17. Cook that dish your roommate would have hated, and really enjoy it. Or, cook that dish your roommate loved, and don't worry about having to share it.

18. Come home the day after a night of partying. No one questioning you about it.

19. Go to bed at 8pm. Wake up at 4pm. Or 3am. Or go to bed at midnight. It's all the same when you live alone. It only has to be quiet if YOU say it has to be quiet. *wink*

20. Go ahead and light that 18th candle. No one is there to make Wiccan ritual jokes about you. (I like to light a ton of candles at the same time! Sue me!)

21. Spend an entire Sunday afternoon watching Nip/Tuck.

Can you think of any more??? Tee hee this is fun! I can't wait for May 1st! Alone at last! I didn't realize how much I missed not wearing pants. I hereby designate May as "Naked VB Month"!

*and yes, I will be doing most of these, thankyouverymuch. As soon as I find some porn.

Getting to Know Me...

Getting to know all about me....(are you singing the song yet? ha ha!)

I was lucky enough to be double-tagged today. I guess that means I've been tag teamed? LOL

Ah, being a pervert is fun. What do non-pervs do for a laugh?

I love being tagged because...well, who doesn't? I'm thinking this is my reward from the Blog-gods for catching up on a bunch of blogs this week.

First, I am being interviewed by Fluffycat. She asks 5 questions, I have to answer them. Those are the meme's rules. And you know how I feel about rules. Here we go.

1. If you could choose to have a weekend passionate fling with Julian McMahon or a million dollars tax free, which would you choose?

Wow. This is a very tough call. Can I ask for references from his ex-girlfriends before deciding? Because if he doesn't know what he's doing in the sack, then that would just be a waste of time. Then again, he could just lie there.... Hmmm...I'm going to have to go with the moola. As totally kick-ass as that would be, I could really use the money! I have a mortgage now. People own my ass. Sorry, Julian. You will have to settle for more of my dreams where you feature prominently as a sexual object. Hey, wait, if I had a million dollars, I bet I could figure out how to meet him in person anyway...SUH-WEET! I am all about having my cake and eating it, too.

2.What is one book you think every woman should read?

OMG. I have no clue. And I'm a librarian. That is sad. I can recommend books for days, but when you limit me to books for women...There are so many different kinds of women, but I guess I am most familiar with what it's like to be a single woman. So I'm going to go with that facet of femininity. I would recommend The Rules (ooooh, and I am going to catch SO MUCH FLAK for even saying that! I can hear the comments flying in!) because I do honestly believe there is something to be said for playing hard to get. It's not about games or messing with people's minds. It's about self-respect. And whenever I don't follow The Rules, I regret it, every time.

I guess I'm going to have to lump He's Just Not That Into You in here, too. That's another great one, and along the same philosophy lines as The Rules. Greg Behrendt has a 2nd book out, which I believe he co-wrote with his wife, called It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and that is also fantastic.

3. What color would your bridesmaid dresses be if you were getting married in June?

Ok, this question made me laugh out loud. It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything because I probably would have snorted it. This question is equivalent to asking Paris Hilton when she plans on going to med school: Why would you even bother asking this? It's never going to happen. Anyway, I digress. Knowing me, it would be pink. Probably like a fuchsia color, because I think that is the most fun color ever, which my bridesmaids would HATE wearing. So I'd have to change it. Maybe a two-tone dress, combining coral pink and baby pink. But I also like aqua sort of shades, greens like this and maybe a khaki/navy combo. (I saw a wedding once where the bridesmaids wore khaki, and it looked fantastic next to the white wedding gown and bright flowers. And navy and white also look great, IMHO.) So the short answer is: I have no freaking idea. Definitely not red or black. Just not me.

4. What is the first thing you notice when you meet an attractive man?

Ok, so we've established that he's attractive. Woo-hoo! A hottie! Jackpot! Ok, not necessarily. Let me think...probably his level of confidence. After that, brains, and after that, sense of humor. Followed up by a zest for life and kindness. If there's chemistry, too, it's time to place your bets on when he and I will be sucking face.

5. What celebrity are you sick of hearing about?

Ugh, at this point, Anna Nicole Smith. Why is she still in the news??? Let her poor, sad soul rest. And I think all those relatives and friends of hers who have come out of the woodwork and seem to be eying her money should be ashamed of themselves.

I'm not going to say Paris because that girl is like a train wreck -- I want to see just how bad it gets. And I'm not going to say Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, because I am secretly hoping they both get their acts together and have major comebacks.

WOW. That was really fun. Thanks, Fluffycat! Wanna be interviewed by yours truly? Here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Meme #2 of the day is courtesy of Vixen over on Mysterious Meander. (Yes, this is the same blogger who writes Bad Girl's Guide, in case you are wondering.)

I think I'm supposed to explain 5-10 goals I have, and then tag some more people to do the same. Here goes.

1. Learn more. I loooooove learning new stuff. I wish I could be a college student forever. There are so many classes I want to take: history, Italian, drawing, art history, more German, painting, sculpture, Russian, world religions, psychology, criminology, epidemiology, cooking, creative writing, British literature....luckily, I can take one class per semester for free. Woot! I might be taking a German class with MJ soon, actually. We were talking about doing that. I'd better get on the ball if I'm going to be fluent in 5 languages before I croak.

2. Find a career that I truly love. I have been working on this for a long time, and it's been a constant battle for me, as my passions lie in career paths which do not pay well. And it's hard to enjoy your wonderfully fulfilling job if you're terrified of your bills. If you want the complete story, I have posted about this in this post. (Heads up: it's a very long post!)

3. Have kids. Notice I do not say anything about having a husband. Yes, it would be peachy keen if I had someone other than my mother to call when I have good news. And a guaranteed resource for sex-on-demand would also be fantastic. But I could do it on my own. I can see myself doing the whole single-mom thing. I doubt I'd ever go the sperm bank route, though. Just personal reasons. I mean, why have labor if you don't have to? If I hit 35 and have no hubby, I'm going to start looking into becoming a foster parent. Having kids in my life is something which would make me feel incredibly fulfilled. And I think the foster care system in this country is effed up beyond belief, so I'd like to make a difference, even if it's only with one child.

4. Travel more! This is going to be my next New Year's Resolution, I can tell. I love traveling and I haven't been out of the country since December 2000. There is nothing like traveling to make you learn about yourself and the world as a whole. It gives you a new perspective on life. Sounds cheesy, but it really does. And there are so many wonderful places to go!! On my list of stateside spots: Vegas, NYC, Miami, New Orleans, Texas and California. Abroad, I'm thinking the Caribbean, Ireland, Britain, Scotland, Germany, Russia, Prague, Thailand.....wherever, really!

5. Be better with money! That means saving, paying off debt, making sure my retirement plans are okie dokie, learning more about how to invest wisely, understanding how to save money on my taxes....you name it. I'm cheap in some ways, but for the most part, I'm a spender. Not something I'm super proud of. I'd like to change that. (Also, if I start saving money, I can do #4, so this one is a double-whammy).

6. Make more memories with my family. It's terrible to say, but you never truly appreciate your family until you lose a member. When I think about all the times I could have talked to my dad or my brother and chose to watch tv or talk to a friend instead, it just kills me. I could have been really bonding with them in ways far beyond quick small talk at the dinner table. I want to take trips, have more inside jokes, more phone calls and just generally be there for my siblings and Mom. Much more than I have been. Don't get me wrong -- my family is miles from where we used to be. Now my brothers and I call each other about once a month and catch up. And I just love that. But the whole seeing each other only at Christmas? I really want to change that. It might mean moving back to Virginia eventually, I don't know.

If I can do all these things, I will die a happy girl.

Ok, who to tag....how about Single Guy Blogging, Low Tide, RWA, Mieke, Coco and Jonathan?

I am On Crack Today...

Greetings, Readers. Hope everyone is well. I am getting the urge to post, but nothing is really gelling, so this will probably sound like the rantings of a 12 year-old dealing with Ritalin withdrawl symptoms. My brain is ADD central right now. This post will be kinda goofy and random.

My tummy has been queasy lately. Off and on, not too badly. I think it's all the cake I've been eating lately. Thanks to my diet (13 pounds lost so far! Go me!), I don't eat a lot of sugar anymore. By coincidence, I've had a lot of cake and sugary items in the past week. I'm thinking it's not sitting well with my uber-sensitive tummy.

And I know what you are thinking. No, I have not been having up-against-the-wall, hot, nasty, animal-noise making, sweaty, monkey sex with Hot Neighbor. *pauses to imagine so described sexual encounter*

I am NOT (repeat) NOT pregnant.

No, in fact, I've been very busy not having sexual encounters of any kind. [Insert chorus of "Awwww...." here] Which is getting old, but let's not throw a pity party, ok? Ok.

Hot Neighbor has been out of town and/or working long hours lately. So I have had no opportunities to get my flirt on. HOWEVER, I do have some leftover lemon-almond-sour cream pound cake that must leave my house or else it will just ruin my diet! And who but Hot Neighbor can eat it? Hmmmm..can't think of anyone. Everyone I know is on a diet. Oh well. Guess I'll have to donate it to my hot, lonely, eats-pizza-and-other-non-homemade-food-for-dinner neighbor. Shucks. Hate when that happens. I mean, what guy wants to be seduced by homemade baked items? Maybe I can wear a whip cream bikini....he might need some for the cake. *daydreams again*

And despite all my myspace hunting abilities, I don't think the cute guy I met last Friday has a myspace page. I tell ya, it's hard being a myspace stalker. You have to prepare yourself for disappointment. Fingers crossed he will be there again this week at Happy Hour.

I just realized that my weekend is starting tonight. Not in the "Woo-Hoo, I have a long weekend because I took some days off!" way, but in the "I am a slave to my social life and I still think I'm 21!!" kind of way.

I will be regretting this decision to go out tonight and tomorrow....it will all hit me at approximately 6:15am on Friday morning. But right now, I'm excited. Woooooh! Party!!

Tonight is a friend's birthday, tomorrow is stirring up trouble with MJ & KT, Friday is Happy Hour and Saturday is the annual St. Patty's Day Festival. (Which will be about 12 hours in duration and WAY fun.)

Did I mention that I'm still adjusting to daylight savings time? Yeah..."nap" doesn't even begin to explain what I will need.

My stomach, ass and entire upper body are killing me right now from my 2 hour Suicide Mission at the gym last night. Sometimes I get really into working out, so I figure I'll take advantage of it, and then I try to see if I can give myself a heart attack on the elliptical machine. The good news? I did three push-ups on my toes last night. (Read: This is nearly impossible for me to do normally. Shut up. I am a weakling. 3 is a lot for me.) The bad news? I am sooooooooooore. But the good kind. I don't need painkillers or anything like that.

Mmmmm....painkillers.

Have I ever told you that I like to make up songs? I do. (See? I told you I am ADD Girl today!) I like to sing (badly) and I like rhyming, hence my goofy songs about my family and friends. Usually I forget them, but I have written a song about my dog, so I want to post it before I forget the lyrics.

It all started when I would come home from the gym and get in the shower. Sammy would always watch me because he's weird and perverted (Hmmm...like mother, like dog...), and so I started singing to him. For some reason, he likes to lick the shower door, too. Very strange. In case you are wondering, no, I do not lick shower doors. (Ew.) However, not unlike my dog, I have been known to chase balls on occassion......

But I digress. (Ok, seriously, what did I eat today??? I think I am on crack...)

Keep in mind this is just the first 3 verses. There will be more, I am sure. Oh-- by the way, this is a country song, so imagine a June Carter-type twang. *ahem*

"Sammy is a Good Dog" -- by VB.

Ohhhh....

Sammy is a good boy,
He always wags his nub.
And there never is a big fight
When it's time for rub-a-dub.
He likes to run and bark a lot
When he gets all riled up,
But he's the cutest thing on 4 legs,
He's my favorite little pup!

Chorus:
Sammy is a good dog
He's the best dog ever was,
Although he snores to wake the dead
And hocks up chunks of fuzz.**
He can be real stubborn
and always wants his way,
But if there's one thing that I know,
My love will never stray!

Sammy licks the shower,
I do not understand.
But when he snuggles on me,
It really is quite grand.
His favorite food is ice cream,
And he can eat a lot.
But the coolest thing about him
Is the tiny little spot!*

Chorus again

Sammy used to have some balls,
He lost them long ago.
So now his favorite thing to do
Is chase them to and fro.
He will chase them anywhere
But mostly down the halls
Whatta I think is going on?
He's looking for his balls.

Chorus again

*Sammy has a little diamond-shaped spot on the top of his head.
**He also likes to eat the fuzz off of tennis balls. Sometimes he gets tennis ball fuzz hairballs. Yeah. [In Fat Bastard voice] He's dead sexy.

I haven't posted any pics of Julian McMahon lately, so here is a good one I found:



Huminahuminahumina....Oh what the heck. Here's another...sweet mother of Jesus.....!!!!



I am gradually working my way through season 1 of Nip/Tuck. So I get to see this type of stuff a lot. *sigh* Thank you, Netflix!!!!

Did you know he's got a movie coming out this weekend? Oh yes, children. He and Sandra Bullock star in it together. Luckily, I like her, so she will not need to be assassinated. Did I mention that there is a SHOWER SCENE in this movie? As in, Julian enters shower. Julian has no clothes on. Julian gets wet in the shower. As in, VB passes out in movie theater and will need smelling salts in order to be revived before she gets brain damage. Yeah.

Guess where I'll be on Sunday, after all my partying is done!

After proofing this and re-reading this post, I've come to the conclusion that I am too...
A) weird
B) ADD-ish and
C) too much of a dork

to ever get the chance to date...
A) Hot Neighbor
B) the cute guy from Happy Hour or
C) Julian McMahon

Ugh. They would all think I'm a complete psycho if they ever read this. So please, don't tell Julian about my blog. I'd appreciate it. Because I look at him and think: "Monkey Sex!!!!"

Things I Learned Today

1. Haagen-Dazs is a made-up word.

2. Reduced fat peanut butter actually tastes like regular peanut butter. Schwing!

3. When a coworker brings in Krispy Kreme doughnuts, it is impossible to eat just one.

4. I could get snowed in when I go to Indy in two weeks, if I believe the Farmer's Almanac. Crap.

5. Mollies are these sort of jacket things that go over screws to give you more stability.

6. That sentence makes me giggle like a 7th grader. Because I am a big pervert.

7. Mollies are also known as anchors. But I think it's more fun to call them Mollies because you can say things like, "screw the Mollie into the wall" or "You have a screw? A Mollie would be good for that. Use a ribbed one, though." Tee hee.

8. Sam got engaged. Go tell her Congragulations. Note: She is N-O-T pregnant. Don't believe the hype.

9. Lots of guys seem to use myspace as a free dating service. At first, I was annoyed, but now I'm thinking they might be on to something. You can learn a lot about someone by reading their myspace page. You can see what they look like. You could even do a whole "Six Degrees of Myspace" thing and see if you have any mutual-mutual friends. There's no pressure like on dating sites, so you can message a lot and see pics before you have to meet the person in person. This concept could be interesting...hmmm...I will think about that as I assemble furniture, plant bulbs and hang shelves this weekend. If you have any information about myspace dating, please share with me. I'd like to hear stories. Because the random guys are getting cuter and cuter. And funnier...

10. See if you can guess what happens when a man is subjected to the following situations all at the same time:
*They have become librarians
*They honestly believe they can beat Google
*They have spent approximately 35% of their life playing video games
*They haven't gotten laid in at least 3 years, and therefore, are so incredibly horny and full of jizz that they are no longer able to stop themselves from inserting sexual innuendo into every conversation
*They think they are funny AND cool, when in reality, they are neither
*They have entirely too much time on their hands
*They have a major thing for sassy, hot Indian women

Can't guess? They create Ms. Dewey. Everyone at work (and by everyone I mean not me) is obsessed with this search engine. I played around with it before I got annoyed and closed it. She's really annoying, especially if you don't type anything in for a few minutes. I asked her why she's so annoying, and she got sassy with me. She thought my search for helicopters was fascinating. When I searched for "anal leakage", she informed me that farm animals don't even do that. Blah. After about 3 minutes, I was sick of her. But if you'd like to play with her, recommended searches include: cusswords, your first name, Ms. Dewey, anything resembling a porno title. Enjoy!

Have a good weekend!

Jimmy Stewart

The Czarina called me the other day. She wanted me to talk to her banker. She thinks he walks on water, and since he's such a good friend of hers, she's sure he would offer me a great mortgage rate, so why not call him to see what he can do, blah blah blah.

She neglected to tell me that he talks like Jimmy Stewart.

A drunk Jimmy Stewart. With just a hint of Harry Caray.

So when I called him, it was quite interesting. He's a very nice man, but he does nothing but remind me of scenes from It's a Wonderful Life.

This makes it very difficult to talk to him on the telephone, as I am stifling giggles the entire time. I just want to shout out lines from his movies: Rear Window, Vertigo, Harvey, etc. Luckily, most of our communication has been through email.

In other news...

Have I told you about Sammy's Evil Twin? Yeah, apparently my adorable, loving and extremely well-behaved little Boston Terrier moved out a couple of weeks ago. He has been replaced by Evil Sammy.

Evil Sammy chews on Mommy's brand new expensive shoes. Yeah, the ones she hasn't worn yet. Evil Sammy eats K's brand new shirt that Mommy has to replace. Yesterday, Evil Sammy decided to chew holes in K's comforter. Not big holes--little ones. (Luckily, K said she wanted to replace her comforter soon, anyway.) Last week, I learned that Evil Sammy likes to chase cars. I was walking him, and out of nowhere, he decides to chase a car. Let me say that up until this point, absolutely no interest has been expressed by my dog when it comes to cars. But at 6:15am last Monday, he was definitely interested in them.

I was using a retractable leash. And I wasn't wearing gloves. Seeing where this is going? Yeah, I have deep rope burns/cuts all over my right hand. They are healing now, but seriously, they were bad.

The good thing is, I get to tell people I have rope burns on my hands and then let them wonder...

I don't know what has gotten into him. Nothing has changed in his routine. I have been a little busy with house stuff, but I'm home about the same amount of time. Why is he suddenly upset about the fact that I have to go to work? I have tried leaving toys for him to play with while I'm at work, but he ignores them.

I told him last night that I don't have to take him with me when I move. He can be a "dog of the streets". (Just kidding. But I may start gating him up in the kitchen if he keeps it up.)

Quickie

No, not that kind, sicko!

Wait, I was the only one thinking that, wasn't I?

So, I'm at work. I'm slowly chipping away at catching up on my blogs. I'm getting to you, I swear!

And I just realized I haven't been replying to my comments this week. Oops. So if you have commented recently, scroll down to read my reply.

Just a couple of random tidbits I am going to share with you:

1. There is currently a middle-aged, balding, chubby guy in the library right now. He's sitting at a computer and making all kinds of disgusting bodily function noises: burps, sneezes, nose-blowing, phlegmy sounds, you name it. He is keeping a napkin on his lap for obvious reasons. Ask me how excited I am to turn off that computer before I go home.

2. He also is on myspace. I don't want to think too much about it other than that.

3. A minute ago, I learned that my coworker cannot spell "Vietnam". I found this entertaining, as it doesn't strike me as a difficult word. She kept typing "Vietnan" and "Veitnan".

4. Then again, she's about 83 and deaf to boot.

5. A teacher has an assignment out right now. They give it every semester. The students have to read a book covering any topic they want as long as it deals with American history from 1877-Present.

In 129 years of history, people, wars, events, movements, inventions, celebrities, controversies, art, music, politics, scandals and technology, you'd think there would be something for everyone.

Yet none of the students ever have a topic in mind. This blows my mind. Look, I know history isn't for everyone. But in 129 years' worth of events in your native country, you can't think of a single thing or person that even remotely interests you?? I ask them this, and they reply,

"Well, yeah, I can. It's just that all those books are, like, 500 pages long."

I just want to say, "They don't just give the diplomas away, you know."

Avatar Shopping

There are tons of these things on the net! I had to sort through a lot of cheesy "I love you forever",Hello Kitty, 50 Cent, Avril Lavigne and "I'm Cute n Sexy" ones. And the ones that move or blink kind of get on my nerves. Every once in a while, I would stumble on a cool or funny one. So now I want to choose one. Hmmm...what do you guys think? After looking over this list, I have come to the conclusion that I'm in a weird mood today.

1. I like that this one is "vintage"

2.Also cool. But most people think I have terrible taste in music, so this might be a poor choice...

3.This is something I would do. My current favorite.

4.I am always wearing shoes like this...

5.I would never use this one, but I like it.

6.Hmmm...I kinda like the black and white idea...

7.Kinda cheesy, but I have a lipstick just like that...

8.I just put this in here because it reminded me of Jennster!

9.This one cracked me up!

10.My other current favorite. I love Happy Bunny.

11.Ha ha! This one's funny.

12.I put this on here especially for Stephanie A.

13.Numbers 13-15 just made me die laughing!

14.

15.

16.This one and #17 fall into the "WTF?" category. I don't want them, I'm just sharing some of the weird avatars I came across. Why would someone pick either of these? And why do carrots kill?

17.

18.A cool design for my sign. Too corny?

19.I kinda like the cartoony ones...

20.Numbers 20-27 just made me laugh.

21.

22.This is how I feel when I get a comment on my blog.

23.

24.

25.I love this one, too!

26.

27.This one is hysterical.

28.I could just do a pretty flower...

29.

...or something kind of goofy.

30. ok, just kidding, this one didn't copy correctly...there is no #30

31.


32.I have no idea what this is, but it's weird and funny. And, I think, Japanese...? If I know my flags correctly.

33.OMG, this one leaves me in stitches.


34.I wish this was a girl cowboy, but oh well. It's still funny.

35.You know I love the Muppets. Sometimes, I can really relate to Kermit. Especially when he feels like this. Even though this one moves, I am making an exception because it's "Kermie".


36.If I liked cats, I would use this one. But since I don't, I'm just sharing.

So, which one do you vote for?

Another 100 Things

Ok, since I unintentionally lied to you yesterday, I will post twice today. I wrote this a while ago and never posted it. Here goes.

Look, it's my blog. If you don't want to read it, you can skip this post. I will get over it. Someday. *sniff*

101. I love to make lists and make them all the time.
102. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from organizing things. If there is no set organization system, I will create one. I did this with my crayons as a kid. And I do it with my closet, CDs, pantry and makeup now.
103. Except that I hate picking up my clothes. They are always all over my bedroom floor.
104. Big Brother is the only show I've ever been hooked on. I would like to be on Big Brother, actually. I think I'd be good at it.
105. Sure, I watch a ton of Comedy Central and CourtTV, but I am not picky about what is on those channels--I'll watch whatever is on them.
106. Shoot, I forgot I was also hooked on Average Joe. I have a tendency to root for the underdog.
107. I'd like to see a reality TV show about truckers. That whole lifestyle just fascinates me. How do they pay their bills? Do their laundry? Stay occupied? Not get sick of driving? Boggles my mind.
108. I had braces in 6th grade. And glasses. That was my "ugly duckling" phase.
109. I do my best thinking in the shower.
110. I taught myself how to type. I'm a fast typer.
111. I am the absolute worst liar in the history of mankind. So now I don't even try. But I am a huge exaggerator. Feel free to call me out.
112. I am blind as a bat. We're talking approaching 20/200 people.
113. But I wear contacts because I'm too vain not to.
114. My parents wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I was 13. I have loved big earrings ever since.
115. I will wear huge hoop earrings no matter how old I get or how out-of-style they are.
116. But I wouldn't be caught dead in overalls. Ever.
117. Capri pants and gauchos are so cute, but look awful on my figure. This is because my hips are roughly equivalent to the circumference of the earth. And my legs are on the short n stocky side. I'm more of a skirt girl. Luckily, I don't have kankles.
118. I always joke that I was born in heels, because I'm like Barbie--my feet are just naturally adapted to walking in them. Easy for me. Note: This does not mean I'm not a klutz. I'm a huge klutz.
119. Size 14 is my limit. Once I hit that, I go into panic mode, get super healthy, and go back to a size 10. Then I repeat the cycle all over again.
120. I am a 36C. And grateful every day.
121. Milky Way is my favorite candy bar. I am weird because I don't really care for Snickers. I also love the sour mix from Jelly Belly.
122. I hate cottage cheese. Eww Eww Eww.
123. I prefer my marshmallows and Twizzlers stale. As in, crunchy or tough-as-leather stale. I leave the packages open intentionally to achieve this.
124. This makes them very tough to chew, which relieves stress. This habit got started in college when I had to pull all-nighters.
125. I am now a major morning person. I wake up in a great mood. Usually.
126. I am a cranky bitch when I'm tired. I will cry, just like little kids do when they are tired. I have to take a nap if I want to stay up late.
127. My favorite video game is Tetris. Can play it until my eyeballs fall out.
128. My favorite board games are Taboo and Scattergories. They are really fun when the other people are drunk. I also like Trivial Pursuit. But I suck at Scrabble. Unless dirty words are allowed.
129. I was born on a Tuesday around lunchtime.
130. I was born in Charlottesville, VA. Go Wahoos! (UVA in case you are wondering).
131. I have never flashed or mooned a stranger.
132. But I am a huge pervert.
133. Old people usually get on my nerves.
134. I love kids of all ages. Ironically, I am not all that keen on babysitting. Unless I really like the kids.
135. I take really good care of my things. Always have. My CDs are rarely scratched. My Barbies never had tangled hair. My clothes....well...like I said, they are on my floor. So I do a lot of last-minute ironing.
136. Traveling stresses me out a lot. But I believe that anything worth doing is worth some risk and/or stress. So I keep doing it and love it every time. Despite pitting out my shirts while I travel. (Seriously, you don't want to sit next to me. I sweat buckets when I'm stressed.)
137. I am one of those people who can't get started on anything until I clean or make a list. Or check my email.
138. The zoo is awesome. I could go every day.
139. My favorite animals there are the penguins.
140. One time I stumbled on the Galapagos tortoises getting it on.
141. I am 5'5". This makes me the runt of my family. Height-wise, anyway.
142. I have no tattoos or body piercings. I don't want any.
143. There are six kids in my family now.
144. I have a nephew whom I have never met. He is about 8 and lives in Minnesota. My older brother doesn't have custody, so he can't take him out of the state. This sucks. Because I would be a cool aunt.
145. I really love big trees. So pretty and nice to have around. I think this is because I spent a lot of time exploring the forest of gigantic oak trees in my backyard as a kid.
146. I have mixed feelings about big thunderstorms. If I'm with someone, I think they are cool and I will watch them. But if I'm alone, I get kinda scared.
147. I am absolutely terrified of these. You might say I am even phobic. I call them Ninja Crickets because they will jump on me and attack me. Do not confuse this bug with the black version. Those don't bother me for some reason.
148. Spiders don't bother me all that much either, unless they are huge. And roaches are just awful creatures sent to torture me. But still not as bad as #147.
149. I think I have a pretty high threshold for pain.
150. I broke my foot once. I didn't take any painkillers for it.
151. But since I was on crutches, I took them for my wrists. They swelled up from holding my weight all day long. I have tiny wrists. And a lot of body weight. Bad combo.
152. I have never seen the Pacific Ocean or the Gulf of Mexico.
153. I'm a good speller. Not perfect, but good.
154. Good grammar is also one of my fortes. Czarina would disagree with that.
155. I hate Carrot Top. My own personal hell would be having to sit next to him on a Greyhound bus for a cross-country trip. With Kathy Griffin on the other side. No, I don't have anything against redheads. Just a coincidence. But I want him to die. And she's just annoying.
156. I'm really good at Greek and Roman mythology trivia. However, I know very few Bible stories. Some people are amazed at how little I know about the Bible.
157. If I could be on any gameshow, I'd pick Jeopardy. I love that show. Sometimes I grab a calculator and play along. Sometimes I win. I can't believe I just admitted that.
158. My favorite book is The Good Earth or anything by Jane Austen.
159. When it comes to fiction, I like classics the most. I'm on a mission to read everything covered by Cliff's Notes. It is a life-long guilt trip from never reading anything I was supposed to in English class. Being told what to read really annoyed me. It was how I rebelled.
160. But now I'm old enough to understand and love books like that.
161. I like doing crossword puzzles, even though I'm not very good at them. I'm better at Jumble.
162. When I was a teenager, I always got in trouble for talking in class and disobeying my curfew. I was grounded a lot. I snuck out anyway.
163. I am the tattle tale in my family. I'm not especially proud of this. But that's not enough to stop me.
164. I sleep like a rock. Unless I'm stressed out. Then I get insomnia.
165. Because MTV and VH1 were verboten in the Belle Household growing up (because of their sexual and profane language), I am now obsessed with watching music videos. And I instantly love any song with dirty lyrics. I learn them quickly so I can sing along.
166. My dad's side of the family came over on The Mayflower.
167. Although I like scary ghost stuff and crime stories, I dislike gore and excessive violence on TV or in movies.
168. When I was a kid, I would draw the same thing over and over and over, trying to perfect it. Early evidence of my OCD tendencies. And my natural hesitation to try new things. (Btw, it was a red house on a hill with flowers and a tree. Over and over...)
169. I listen to techno and metal when I work out. I truly believe it helps me burn more calories. I cannot exercise without music.
170. My ideal pizza has pepperoni, mushrooms, bacon and green peppers. The green peppers are only on it so I can say I eat veggies on my pizza. I don't really like them all that much.
171. When I go to Starbuck's, I get a tall Vanilla Latte. They always misspell my name. This irritates me to no end.
172. My favorite ice cream flavors are lemon custard and cookies n cream.
173. I love to buy office supplies. I dream of having this fabulous, well-organized and spacious home office. It would look like the one in the Pottery Barn catalog. If I ever have the money, I will buy it. And sit at it day and night, starting projects. I'm not much of a finsher...
174. It bothers me when my jewelry doesn't match. I have to have sets. Or I'll just wear one piece at a time.
175. I usually get ketchup, mustard and pickles on my burgers. But sometimes I get mayo, A-1 sauce and pickles. And fries must have ketchup. Anything else is criminal.
176. I read tarot cards for my friends. Just for fun, not because I believe in that stuff.
177. I secretly wish that hoop skirts and corsets were still worn. That's because they would conceal my huge butt while emphasizing my waist. I think I have watched Gone With the Wind one too many times.
178. I love hardwood floors, big sinks, huge porches and crown moulding. If I ever buy a house, I hope to have these features.
179. One day I want to take up gardening and tennis.
180. I cannot sew or knit. I don't ever care to learn. This is a major sticking point between me and The Czarina.
181. If no one would find out and I didn't have to go anywhere, I would stay in my pjs all day. I would not shower, brush my hair or teeth and would lay on the couch reading, eating candy, napping and watching tv. I am a closet grungy girl.
182. I have never had the same dream twice. But Ihave lots of dreams about snakes.
183. I dream in color, but I rarely see people's faces. I see their bodies, but there is a black cloud where their face would be. Somehow, I still know who they are.
184. My biggest pet peeve in the whole world is this situation: I introduce myself. The other person says, "Your name is VB? How funny! My dog's name is VB!" It makes me want to say, "You know, this is crazy. Because your name is Mary, and that's what I named my -----! How weird!" Why people want to tell me I have the same name as their pet, I will never understand. It's really annoying and insulting.
185. Because of this, I think it should be illegal to name pets human names. Yes, I realize my dog's name is Sammy. But he was already named when I got him.
186. I'm a really good test-taker. I usually ace them. Especially if it is essay. This is because I'm good at B.S.
187. I want a pig pickin at my wedding reception.
188. I love playing hostess and dream of throwing Martha Stewart-quality parties.
189. I usually keep my word. If I don't, I feel terrible.
190. I hate wearing rings. This doesn't mesh well with my desire to get married one day. I also hate wearing nail polish on my fingers because it chips within three hours of me putting it on.
191. I have extremely oily skin, even on my body. I will break out all over if I'm not careful. The only parts of my body that get dry are my hands and feet.
192. I cannot do the butterfly stroke. And I am paranoid of diving into pools. So I didn't do so hot in swimteam competitions.
193. If Icould meet anyone from history, I'd probably meet Cleopatra.
194. I love Camel Lights. I am constantly trying to quit.
195. Running a marathon would be on my list of things I want to do before I die, but my body rejects this idea every time I try to get started on it. I get major leg, knee and foot pain. People that can run races are awesome. I am jealous.
196. My feelings get hurt very very easily. To the point that people have said, "Really? That hurt your feelings?" Yeah, I'm ridiculous.
197. I smoked pot a few times in college. It made me paranoid and stupid. And I couldn't stop eating. Not my idea of a fun time.
198. I have a really hard time staying angry at people I love. But if I get a grudge, usually it is loyalty-related and I hold the grudge forever.
199. I could eat breakfast at every meal.
200. I have been told I have a fantastic walk.

Freaky Friday

I have been trying to find a Fun Friday link for y'all since I haven't done Fun Friday in a while. So far, all I have is this, which is really hilarious if you are a pervert like me. Oh, and this is dedicated to Sam, who will love this supposed interoffice notice from IBM:

Mouse Balls

On to my original intent for this post. So we ordered take-out for lunch today. The staff is sitting in the break room, munching away on subs, when Boss Lady relays this crazy story.

Her mother was walking around in a park or something in Texas. In 1968. She sees a bird on the ground. It is a Painted Bunting. She thinks to herself, "My, what a beautiful bird!" Then she realizes that it's dead.

So what does she do?

She grabs a napkin out of her purse, wraps it up and puts it back in her purse. Then she takes it home, places it into a child's shoebox, and puts it in her freezer.

It is still there.

It's been in her freezer since 1968. She has moved it from Texas to Colorado to Florida. They pack it in dry ice when they have to move it.

She has had a dead bird in her freezer since 1968. No joke. And no, I didn't ask what she plans on doing with it. I don't really want to know. I just wanted Boss Lady to change the subject.

Can you imagine walking around all day with a dead bird in your friggin' purse???

(Side note:My Dad, WLF, was into taxidermy. And he used to haul dead animals around, too. But in the back of his truck, not his pocket. And he didn't keep them for years, stored in the freezer. But that's another post.)

Can you imagine the conversations that must have taken place in her house?

"Mom, can I have a popsicle?"

"Sure, sweetie. They're right under the bird."

Dorothy...

We're not in Kansas anymore.










So I volunteered to go to Wally World for the coworker who had the very unexpected baby. I was going to buy baby stuff for her on behalf of my office.

I had a list. I had money. I thought I was mentally prepared to do this, considering I have no children and can feel my ovaries shriveling on a regular basis. Being an experienced babysitter and an oldest sibling, I figured, "No sweat. How hard can it be? I already know what all this stuff is."

Until I encountered Butt Paste. Ok, seriously, could they not think of a better name than this? And look at the baby on the box. It has this expression on its face like, "Oh my God. My career has a new low. I am Baby Butt Paste. I guess I can forget that Gerber job I had lined up. I vow to hate my mother forever."

And with the fancy French name, you'd think they would want something to go along with it, something more elegant than Butt Paste. Maybe even just a Frenchier spelling: Le Butte Pastille or Creme de la Buttoque. Or even La Diapre Plasteur. How about Ointment pour les Derriere Rasheaux?

This is the ultimate gag gift, I think. Someone should have given it to me when I had my butt problems!

I wonder if this stuff makes your butt minty fresh? Or if it whitens? Perhaps it prevents gingivitis of the ass? Or butt decay? Maybe it uses baking soda to eliminate odor? Instead of "BAM!" would you run far away from your sleeping baby and yell "BUTT!"? Butt plaque prevention would be key, I think. Because sometimes I worry that just using toilet paper alone isn't enough. And maybe even finishing up with some Butt Floss, just to get in those little nooks and crannies.

Anyway, I got a bunch of stuff. It was kinda fun, in a "I can pretend it's my baby!" kind of way. Actually, it was kind of nerve-wracking and overwhelming. Did you know there are approximately 45,000 choices of pacifiers? And that they come in different shapes and sizes? I didn't. When I was in that aisle, I noticed another girl there, who looked as overwhelmed as I did. It turns out she was in the same situation as I was.

Together, we tried to decipher diaper labels and determine the difference between socks and booties. (Is there a difference?) I figured that newborns basically eat, sleep and poop, so as long as we focused on those three life functions, we had our bases covered.

I left the Butt Paste where I found it.

P.S. They have a website. The testimonials are great. Some quotes:

"I love the Butt Paste and will never use anything else again...will always recommend the Butt Paste to everyone."

"...my daughter gave no protest when I applied it to her bottom and genital area." (I bet she didn't, that little tramp!)

"I will now invest in the 16 oz. tub." (I am really wondering why you would need a whole pound of this stuff. It sounds like there is more going on than just diaper rash.)

According to their website, the following athletes have used this product with much enthusiasm: Mike Ditka, Shaquille O'Neal, Peyton Manning and Lance Armstrong. Funny how I missed that little trivia fact on ESPN.

It's also available in handy one-gallon jugs.

Oh, and they sponsor a NASCAR team.

Can You Guess?

Repo and I text each other while we are at work. This is today's texted conversation:

Me: I have a present for you. Can you guess?

Him: Nah, what is it?

Me: Hint: It has velcro.

Him: Another clue?

Me: It will make you feel better.

Him: Another hint?

Me: It's black.

Him: That doesn't help!

Me: Ok, that was a bad clue. Hint: It's something you wear. But it's not fashionable. Not that that would matter to you. LOL!

Him: What are you trying to say? I'm not fashionable? Just tell me!

Me: Oh, you are no fun. Duh! I got you a strap-on!

Him: Is this K? Wait, is it weight gloves?

Me: No, silly! But you are close.

Him: Are you trying to tell me something with that strap-on comment?

Me: No, I'm just being a perv. I realized that the descriptions would be similar and thought it was funny. Did I scare you?

Him: No. (I could not see--obviously--but I know he was pouting! Can't you picture him with his arms across his chest?)

So, can you guess what it is? A free strap-on to the reader that guesses correctly! :)

Heavy Petting is the Best!

That got your attention, didn't it? Ha ha! Well, Heavy Petting met up again last Wednesday night and we won the weekly trivia contest for the first time! Go us! We won free pool, free appetizers and free t-shirts. Yay!

I watched Crash yesterday. It's a pretty good movie. Makes you think. I like movies like that. You have to pay attention though, or else you will miss important plot developments. But then again, I'm blonde...

My boo-boo still hurts. No verdict on my having skin cancer yet. Great. Now I get to think about it aaaaaaall weekend. I know, most people wouldn't think twice about it. But I've had stuff removed before--I had a big mole removed when I was a kid. So I'm averaging one mole per decade. Not good. (Sorry. I'll try to refrain from talking about moles from now on. Kinda gross, I know. But we are talking about Cindy Crawford-type moles. Tiny-ish. Flat. Hairless.More like large freckles than anything else. Ok, I'll shut up now.)

I had my semi-annual review today. It went fine. My boss reminded me of all the stuff I have to get done by August. Ho-hum. Can do. But she also said her only complaint is that I'm always late to work. Oops. At least I can fix that. I'm turning into The Czarina, She Who is Always Ten Minutes Late. So no more late night Court TV for me. 10:15 bedtime from now on. And maybe staying up until 4:30am on weekends would be a contributing factor to my problem....

Why have I been staying up so late? In a word, Repo. *sigh* We can't help it. We just talk and talk and talk. No, I'm serious! We just talk! Why don't you believe me?? Oh yeah, I'm a hornball. True. And I'm in a dry spell. Yeah. Ok, now I see where you are getting it. But I've actually been a goody two-shoes. Repo and I haven't even made it to first base yet! Aren't you proud?! This is a record for me. We are actually having a mature, adult relationship so far. You know, one where we like each others' brains and personalities. It's refreshing.

It's driving me crazy. I pretty much daydream about making out with him all the time. Which is cool. I don't know how much longer I can take it, though. I am hoping he will want to cash in some of his brownie points this weekend. His account is pretty full, so he can afford it. We are hanging out on Saturday night, so we will see. He told me last night that he loved the Chinese food I made for him--he ate most of it that night, when I gave him enough for about three meals. His roommate joked that Repo should date me just for my cooking. Ha!

Since I'm moving in a week (YES! Only 7 more days with Bigfoot!!!) I will spend the weekend doing a lot of packing. I picked a good time to do it--it is supposed to be rainy and cold all weekend. I told Repo I might be kind of tired on Saturday from packing, so we might just watch a movie or something. Maybe Old School since I'm the only American who has not seen it yet and he's on a mission to change that. It will be yucky outside, so it's good for cuddling anyway. My new sexy red dress will just have to wait for another weekend.

K and I are slowly getting ready for our move. Her dad, her boyfriend and Repo are all going to help us. Yay for the male species!!! We know what furniture we need: definitely another couch and a washer and dryer. Maybe a big thingie to hold our TV (what are those called, anyway? Entertainment centers?) and a dinette set. (I know, I know. Shut up. I own no Big Girl furniture other than a small couch. I like to stay nomadic in case I ever have to be on the run from the law.) I will also need a desk. We found an ad in the paper placed by a lady who has just about everything we are looking for and so I'm going to try and go buy some of it later today. (Don't you just love one-stop shopping? I'm going to try and haggle.) She is so smart because she puts pictures of everything online! So you can see the couch and the washer/dryer we are going to try and buy...and yes, we would be slipcovering the couch! We were thinking about the armoire, but it looks like it would be a pain to move around. Hopefully she will let us pay now and pick it up on Sunday.

Then on Sunday Brunette and I are going to the hockey game and having dinner at this great Thai restaurant. Pad-kee-mau (sp?) with chicken, here I come!!!!

I will try to blog some over the weekend since I didn't blog too much this week. I've been busy at work this week (!) and so I am behind. I have the next installment of B.S. Free Zone coming up, so stay tuned!

And I'll try to post some recipes....maybe.

Flat and Flattery

Oops! I haven't been keeping my readers posted on stuff. Sorry to both of you! :)

This is a very happy post, unlike my last post. Friday night Coworker K and I hung out with The Wild Youngins and we played drinking games. Well, they drank, I just played. Has anyone ever played Three Man? I hadn't played this in years, and we had so much fun. If you get to roll the dice five times, you get to make a rule. Mack Daddy noticed we were all sitting boy-girl-boy-girl at the table and so his rule was that before you drink, you have to grab the boob of the person on your left. It was hysterical! We made jokes about men wanting to feel women's "squishy parts". Mack Daddy brings out the pervert in me. We were all laughing our butts off.

I have some exciting and good news! Coworker K and I have put a deposit down on an apartment (or "flat" as some may call it!). We will be moving in sometime this month! Yay! We went looking around this weekend and stumbled upon this great apartment complex. It is close to everything I need on a regular basis: grocery store, Mexican restaurant and work. We are just across the bridge from downtown, which comes in handy for dining and entertainment purposes. We are also near the Riverwalk, which is wonderful for taking walks. The only things it is not close to are my gym and Target. But you can't have it all, you know? The apartments are pretty new and very nice. We will each have our own bathroom, we are close to the pool, there is a carwash area and even some gas grills for summer barbeques! It will end up costing me about the same as I'm spending now. But by far the best part is that the entire apartment will be Bigfoot-free! Less than thirty days, y'all!!!

Here is the even cooler part: I have always wanted a dog and their fee for pets is really pretty reasonable. So there might be a new addition to the VB clan soon. I will wait until I move, of course.

I also got a new cell phone this weekend. My old one could sell as "antique" on eBay. It kept dropping calls and acting funny. After almost 4 years, it was time. I am now in the 21st century with my color screen, camera and downloadable ringtones! I can't wait to start taking secret pictures of hot guys!

My date on Saturday went very well! Repo is a really nice guy who is very easy to talk to. He is very ambitious and hard-working, both pluses in my book. He totally respects the fact that I don't drink--big points with me. And he smells good! We have the same sense of humor and are both college basketball fans. We bonded over our shared college experiences and our fathers' deaths. Weird date topic, I know. It just kind of came up. But he did say the coolest, most flattering thing to me. He said that in order to take me out on Saturday, he had to come in early every day all week and skip some lunch breaks! WOW! Talk about earning some brownie points! I was so flattered, I was literally speechless. That definitely made up for the fact that he was The Man With No Plan. He obviously just plans differently! If he's willing to do that just for a first date (with absolutely no physical contact, I might add), imagine what else he will be willing to do when the chips are down! He has "Supportive, Thoughtful and Attentive Potential Boyfriend!" written all over him. Hmmmm.....I think he has some smooches in his near future.....

Since I was bummed out about my Dad, I was probably kind of negative on the date, but I will try to be in a better mood on our next date, which will probably be this weekend. He said he is going to try and get us some basketball tix. I told him I have to have my girl time, since I didn't get to see The Nurses this weekend--they all had to work! Gotta check with my girls so we can schedule a Girls' Night. I'll keep ya posted!

Libraries and Lap Dances

So I went out with The Lawyer this weekend. He was nice. He was funny. He was smart. He was great on paper. But he was just a little too unsure of himself and somewhat...vanilla. And fidgety. He is a bona fide Wimpy Nice Guy.

I have decided there are four types of Nice Guys: Wimpy, Clingy, Nerdy and True. This conclusion is a result of a discussion we had during an episode of Wednesday Trivia Night. You can read a summary of my types here on Stuckey's blog. My point in discussing the four types is that just because you are a nice guy doesn't mean you are desirable. Most of these guys get TFZ'd pretty fast. So for any Nice Guys reading this who are fed up with being single, you might be in one of these four categories.

Bigfoot has not come out of his room since I've been home...which is odd for him. He's almost always in the kitchen 24/7. Maybe he is sick? If he is, I will make him some soup or get him food/medicine, even though I hate his smelly guts. I figure I need some good karma floating around after this weekend. Good thing I donated to some charities this month! Whew! Hopefully it will serve as a buffer!

I was confrontational with four different people this weekend! This is a record for me by far. Usually I average about one every six months. So I think I'm stressed out or something. (Maybe I just need to get some?) You know something is up when you are yelling at the drive-thru girl at McDonald's. (I sat in the drive-thru for twenty minutes and when I got to the front of the line, she asked me, "Ok, what did you order again?"---grrrrr....) So I think I will try and lug my shriveled Philip Morris lungs over to the new gym to burn off some rage. And distract myself from the physically painful nic fit I'm having. Must. Think. Healthy.....*gasp!*

This week I'm going to try and live what I like to refer to as The Hot Girl Lifestyle. It is how I imagine those really hot girls live. They always seem so magically....together. It's sort of an "If I were Cameron Diaz, what would I be doing right now?" concept. I will try to get back to my 5-days-a-week workout schedule, keep my nails manicured, my room clean, my outfits cute, my meals low-cal, my to-do list completed, my bedtime early, my phone calls returned and my mood happy. There is more, but you get the idea. I haven't lived the HGL since about early December, so I'm out of practice. I've been enjoying my Bad Girl Phase of cigarettes, naps, cranky attitude and fattening food. Then this weekend I added drama to boot. That is a sign it's time to rise up out of the ashes and get back to reality. This first week back will feel more like HGL bootcamp, but I'll just have to suck it up. Pray for me!

So a funny thing happened to me today. I did some real, actual work at work! Wow! But that's not the funny part. I was typing up something for people who have never used our library before. You need a photo ID to check out books, and people often need to print off lots of stuff from the computers. We have recently started charging for printing and I wanted to remind them of this. After typing the last line, I realized it was the same advice I would give to someone who was going to a strip club for the first time:

Don't forget your ID and lots of dollar bills!

Heavy Petting on a Wednesday Night

Heavy Petting consists of four people: XX, XY, Stuckey and me. Now, before you get all excited that I'm going to describe some kind of a risque hobby of mine, let me just say it's only the fruit of perverted minds. It's our team name when we get together on Wednesdays for trivia competitions held at Jillian's.

Team Heavy Petting met up again last night for our weekly outing. Before heading over to our usual hang-out, we stopped by the monthly happy hour held by a social club to which three of us belong. Team Richardson (XX and XY) and yours truly all belong to YPS (Young Professionals Society) of Columbia. It's usually a good time because you can meet lots of other "yuppies", grab free food and even conduct some career networking. Often I see friends or acquaintances of mine there. Plus, there's always lots of yummy eye candy. Ok,ok, I confess. That's the main reason I go. This month's gathering was especially good in the eye candy department. But after my bad luck lately, I just wasn't in the mood to fool with the effort required to flirt with cute boys. My mojo is on hiatus.

We brought Stuckey with us, who was not happy about wearing a tie after 5pm and who dubbed all people in the room "yuppies", which I guess they are....anyway, the venue wasn't very good for mingling (too much room to spread out) so we were about to leave when The Lawyer came over to say hi to me. I met him at the last YPS party just before the holidays and we hadn't really talked since. We had both been busy: I was unreachable for about two weeks in December, he had gone to DC for the first half of January for work and then he just realized his cell phone had been deleting all of his voice mail messages. (This has happened to people I know before, so I believe him.) We chatted for a minute and he said he wanted to hang out, but I informed him I already had plans for the evening. He said he wanted to take me out sometime and I said that would be nice. I told him to call me.

Heavy Petting proceeded over to Jillian's. Our booth was right next to a large party of mostly men. Best seat in the house! I thought. Then XY said to me under his breath, "Hey, isn't that Philly?" I looked over, and who was at the helm of the large party of mostly-cute guys? Philly!

Philly is really wierd. Team Richardson met her about a year ago and even though none of us knew her well, we invited her to party with us for New Year's 2005 since she was new in town. We all had fun, so we started to incorporate Philly into our gatherings. Gradually, we decided she was very...odd. She has one of those personalities that comes on really strong and seems kind of fake-ish and cheesy. She's one of those people who is always grinning from ear to ear and is constantly excited about something. I can deal, but I don't particularly care for this personality trait. She's one of those people you need in small doses. Anyway, somehow, despite the fact that she isn't pretty (I'd describe her as cute) and has this semi-annoying personality, she is never without a hot guy on her arm. I can't figure it out! She will date the hottest guy (who will be all about her) get bored with him and dump him! She has been engaged three times because of this pattern! (Team Richardson thinks it has something to do with the fact that she plays the role of Sugar Mama in her relationships--she does have a decent income.)

I was trying to study her like an animal in the wild--you know, take notes as I watched her interact in her natural environment in a Jane Goodall kind of way. So since we were both single, we started to go to the bars together. All was fine and good, until one time when we were at my favorite bar in town where lots of my friends also hang out and where there are usually lots of very attractive men. Philly and I sat down at a booth and just sipped our drinks. Little did I know she had different ideas about how the evening should proceed. Within fifteen minutes, she was sucking face with a complete stranger. No joke. I don't think she even got his name. And I'm not talking a little bit of tongue. It was full-on "Ok, seriously, guys, go get a room!" style making out. She proceeded to leave me sitting there, alone, watching her suck face. Unfortunately, no one I knew was there that night to rescue me and I was so mortified that I just ended up going to the bathroom for a looooong time to hide. When I came back, I tapped her on the shoulder and said I had to get up early the next day so we had to leave.

She dislodged herself from his tongue and his lap and we left. When we got outside, she informed me that she wasn't interested in him. "Then why are you making out with him?" I asked. "He's a good kisser! Let's go to Club Ra!" And since I didn't really have to get up the next day, I said OK. Big mistake. Make-out Boy followed us over there and proceeded to stalk us for the rest of the evening--she had given him her number and he called about seven times! From inside the building! And did I mention that he looked like Johnny Depp in drag? Yeah, she couldn't pick a hottie the night that I am hitting the bars with her! She picked this freak of a specimen!

We stopped hanging out with her after that. So imagine our surprise to run into her last night! She has decided to stay here in Columbia, rather than moving back to Philadelphia as she had originally planned. So now we will probably see her all the time! We asked her who all the guys were and she informed us that she is their boss and it was a work thing. Must be nice to actually work with men, I thought. We also met her new boyfriend--you guessed it--a hottie.

Team Heavy Petting ordered some food and played trivia. I normally would have talked to the cute guy sitting at Philly's table, but like I said, no mojo. But it was still a good time. Now if only Heavy Petting could do better than our usual 4th place! Oh well, there is always next week. I think I will go brush up on some trivia in preparation...