New Year's Peeve

Greetings from Virginia! I will fill you in on my new life here later, with details about The Most Frustrating and Neverending Move Ever in the History of Relocations, The Magical Weight Loss Phenomenon and The Vague Job with Unavailable Boss (Through No Fault of Her Own). All you need to know at this moment is that

A) I love Richmond already.
B) My love life has already gone to shit, if you can believe it. Luckily, this has not impacted A (see above). Yet.

You may have noticed that it is almost 9pm on New Year's Eve. And I am blogging. In my jammies. Alone. What, did you think things would be different, now that I am out of horrible Savannah? That just because I am closer to my family and finally back where I feel at home that my romantic endeavors would be any different than they always have been? Or perhaps it's because last year's NYE was absolutely amazingly fun and awesome? Oh, my little naive readers. You know I can't let this year end without yet another crash-and-burn tale from my dating life, or lack thereof. Although I got down to the wire, I did manage to squeeze one final story into 2011 for you.

2011 started with a great dating story and it will end with another. Ok, I guess last year's NYE wasn't totally amazing and fun by the time it was over. But it most certainly started off that way, and it was a helluva lot better than the way this one is shaping up. Let me explain.

Thanks to the intervention of several friends and/or relatives, I was talked into (read: dragged kicking and screaming) signing up for eHarmony (emphasis on "harm") late last summer. Since you pay for it 3 months' at a time, I had completely forgotten that it would automatically renew itself, so after 3 months of guys who didn't even sound good on paper, I got to -- surprise! -- get automatically charged for another 3 months' of depressing dating prospects! Well, by the time I realized that this had happened, I was in the midst of leaving Savannah to move to Richmond. And they don't do refunds. So I had another 3 months' worth of prepaid virtual dating to burn through. Ever the Pollyanna/mental nimrod/glutton for punishment that I am when it comes to dating, I decided I would just update my eHarmony profile to list Richmond as my location and keep on trying. I am new in town. What else was I going to do with my free time?

Well, I was very pleasantly surprised, let me tell you. Not only were the men better looking in Richmond, but they were better educated, too, with more interesting jobs. Gone were the Savannah hipster bartenders who looked like they don't bathe and the desperate-for-any-female military men. (I do support our men in uniform, heck, my brother is a vet for pete's sake, but what is with their desperation to get girlfriends? It is seriously freaky. I wish they would work on that, collectively.) The guys in Richmond seem...pretty great, actually! Woo hoo!

There were a few that seemed pretty good, but one stood out above the rest. MM was just the right age, looked like he knew how to have a good time and was pretty good looking. I had looked at his profile about 3 times before I realized that in this one photo, there was a kid. He looked so good in the photo, I literally didn't even see the kid, who turns out to be one of his daughters. Yes, he has 2 daughters and an ex-wife. That's a decent amount of baggage, but I like kids and I am trying to be more open minded about stuff like that. I haven't been dating much lately (read: at all...for 2 years....). I just wanted someone who seemed like fun. So we started emailing, which progressed to texting.

He was great! He was flirtatious, funny and seemed interested in me. He asked me out and we booked a date. We were going to meet for dinner in The Fan, which is the old home/cool boutiques/best restaurants area of Richmond. I was pretty stoked. It was my first date in *ahem* over 2 years (except for the blind date where I was a cougar and we didn't really hit it off anyway, so I am not even going to link to that post). I had an outfit picked out and was kind of excited to do some in-person flirting with MM.

That is, until he canceled on me the day before. Something about work being really crazy and he had to work late on the night of our date. Ok, well, everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, I thought. It's the holidays, and everyone is a little crazy right now. So we rescheduled. And then I cried a little, because I was so disappointed. Normally, I have a rule against dating guys who make me cry, but since this was a work thing, it wasn't his fault. So we ended up just texting for another week. (I began to get annoyed at the texting after a while...why not just call me? So much easier and less sketchy.) Things got very flirtatious, though. It's so easy to flirt via text...where was I?

Our first date went well...even though he was a little bit late. (Again, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt on first dates. They can be nerve-wracking. So I let it slide. He had texted me to say he was running a little late, so that helped.) The food was good and we had good conversation, but what was odd was the complete and total lack of flirting going on. And he was sitting a little farther away from me than I would have preferred. This, from the guy who, earlier in the week, was asking me some very PG-13 questions via my phone (some I would not even answer because they were a little too personal). This same guy, who had been talking up a big storm about kissing me, was acting like we were on a totally blind date. It was very odd.

He also did most of the talking, which is one of my first date pet peeves. I like a healthy split of getting to know each other, not the entire sordid story of why your marriage broke up. All I asked was how long he had been divorced. I didn't really need to know that she cheated and lied and all that other stuff. It's not really any of my business and made me a little uncomfortable.

I switched topics and asked him about his family. He describes his mother as "manipulative and controlling" and I could see a little red flag pop up. Now, anyone who knows me at all knows that my mother drives me nuts and I believe The Czarina to be a major control freak, but I would never describe her as manipulative, and I certainly wouldn't tell any of that to someone I just met. This, combined with his description of his ex-wife and a couple of bad dates he'd been on recently caused me to make a joke about how he'd bad mouth me later, too. He assured me I was a very pleasant surprise and that I was as attractive in person as I was in my photos. That was a relief. I decided that I would keep my ears peeled for more misogynistic comments, but the little things he said weren't instant deal breakers. For all I knew, it could have been nerves.

I decided to focus on how good looking he was and how good he smelled. And how to get him to sit closer to me. I decided to take off my jacket, exposing a black sequined top that was cut just low enough to be date-worthy, but not slutty. I could feel his eyes right where I wanted them to be. And although he did angle his body towards me a little more and put his arm on the back of the booth, his rear remained firmly in place...too far away for any serious flirting to take place. Rats. I guess that's what I got for telling him the he's not allowed to kiss me on our first date. Oh the joys of trying to pretend to be good when I really don't want to be..........

Our date got better as the night wore on. Aside from the comments about his mom and ex and my unsuccessful attempt to get him to scoot closer, it went well. It went so well that he asked me for a 2nd date just before hugging me goodbye. I was stoked.

Then, all this week, he went back to the vicious flirting and regular texting. I told him I was tired of texting and just wanted to talk, so he called me. After the phone call, he texted me to say how much he likes hearing my voice on the phone. He even asked my favorite question in the whole world: "When can I see you again?". *sigh* I love that question. At this point, I am thinking we are definitely having a super hot makeout session on Date #2. Even if I have to wear a super slut-tastic shirt this time. I can't take it anymore.

Two hours before he's supposed to pick me up for our second date, he texts me.

Would you be pissed if I asked you if we could reschedule for next week?

"If you have to ask that question, you already know the answer, douchebag," I thought. I texted back: So you're canceling on me again?

I am so sorry, he replied.

At this point, I am about to punch a wall I am so pissed. I don't reply. When I get home from work, he texts me again: I am so sorry. If you don't ever want to talk to me again, I totally understand.

Now, I am not stupid. I know that if you really liked someone, you would never say that, out of fear they'd take you up on the idea. He wanted out, but didn't want to be the bad guy. This guy has really mastered texting. He uses it to say all sorts of things he doesn't have the balls to say in person. Despite texting me every day, despite all his little innuendos about sleeping with me, despite the compliments he gave me, despite asking me out a 2nd time...he wanted out. Why, I don't know. And I never will know. Because I replied with

Good. Because I don't.

The worst part was, he never replied to that text.

Bringing Sexy Back

Happy New Year!!!! I am so glad it's 2011. I don't know if it's because of my determination to get back to the old me or if it's because of my fabulous New Year's weekend, but I am so happy and optimistic about everything right now. I know this will be a great year. I can just feel it!!! Warm fuzzies, everyone. I am Suzie Effing Sunshine right now!!!!!!

Sorry, I will take it down a notch.

But I have super awesome news!!!! And I need your help.

You see, there is (drumroll, please) Boy News. And true to form, I either messed up or I just completely do not understand the opposite sex. Still. * sigh * I know. But where would this blog be, if it weren't for my dating/hook-up antics?

New Year's Eve was just going to be another VB-sits-on-her-couch type of weekend, until I began to miss MJ and remembered that Mr. Bill was having a party. And what is New Year's for if not hanging out with old friends? So I told them I would come up. MJ informs me that Rocky (a member of The Rat Pack, if you remember those posts -- if you don't know what I am talking about, you should search for these posts in my archives) was coming to SC for New Year's Eve.

And he was bringing a buddy of his.

"Anyone I know?" I asked, ever-so-innocently.

"Nope, this one's a new one," she said.

Hmmm. He will probably be cute. Or at least fun. Definitely worthy of leg-shaving, I thought, as I packed a "boobie shirt" to wear when we went out for New Year's. [Side note: does anyone else call them "boobie shirts"? Or is it just me?]

Rocky's friends are always cute and fun. I was starting to get a little excited about this. So I went to bed kind of excited for my short drive the next day.

I arrived in Columbia just in time for a late lunch with MJ, Rocky and his friend, who I will dub NYE Guy. NYE Guy was cute, and extremely funny, as I soon found out. Later, I would discover that he is also kind of geeky (he likes to go to museums!) -- <3 Swoon <3

I started to get that feeling that it was going to be a great weekend. WOOT!

After eating, we went back to MJ's house and hung out for a bit before getting ready for Mr. Bill's party. I put on my boobie shirt and slapped on some extra eyeliner and heels. What? What was that? I felt kinda....hot. What a great feeling. It had been so long since I've felt that way. This feeling could best be described as the boring, depressed iceberg version of VB melting back into happy and exciting VB.

I was bringing sexy back.

So we head to Mr. Bill's. It was really great to see him, as well as a couple other people I knew. My only regret is that I didn't get a chance to talk to Mr. Bill as much as I wanted. So Mr. Bill, if you're reading this -- hi!!!! I spent most of my time at the party laughing with MJ, Rocky and NYE Guy, as well as a girl I will call "Other MJ" and her hilarious best friend who I will call Vietnam. We were our usual perverted selves, and there was a joke about empty beer bottles which even I cannot repeat. Hilarity and antics ensued, in other words.

Soon, it was almost time for the ball to drop. Rocky began asking everyone who they are kissing at midnight. I was sitting next to NYE Guy and when Rocky asked him, he turns to me and informs me that he wanted to kiss me. I giggled like a 12 year old. And so he did. And it was great.

Not long after, we all took the party to Art Bar, a fun bar in downtown Columbia. There was a masquerade theme happening there, so we had fun with all the masks laying around. NYE Guy and I kept sneaking away to dark corners to make out. Yay! So far, 2011 was rocking.

Fast forward to 4am, when I am still awake (!) and still in a good mood (!). But all good things must come to an end, and it was time to go home. So I drove MJ, Rocky, NYE Guy and Vietnam back to MJ's house. Shortly after that, NYE Guy and I are continuing our make-out session, and it was so much fun! He is so fun....sorry, I can't go into details.....no way to explain without being overly descriptive....ah, memories....where was I? Oh yes, so we didn't do anything R-rated or anything, but that was mostly due to the fact that it was 5am and we were exhausted! After messing around for a bit, he realized that we could just continue this the next night -- hooray for 3 day weekends!!! So we fell asleep....

...and picked up right where we left off in the morning when we woke up!

...but still did not *ahem* complete the transaction, if you get my drift. No worries. There was still another night to go! Yes. Best weekend ever.

He and I got up (at 1pm)and joined the others for food and then all 4 of us went to a museum. After that, we ate and then went back to MJ's to watch some movies. Soon, it was time for bed (YAY!) because the guys had to drive back to NYC the next day. I don't think I have ever been so excited to put on my jammies ever in my whole life. Especially with the hope that they would soon be removed by this yummy beefcake funny guy. So I get into bed while he's brushing his teeth. He climbs in and....

wants to spoon.

W.

T.

F.

Ok, fine, I can meet him halfway, I thought. I nestled in closer to him. Nothing. I made a little moan. Nada. Time for something a little more obvious, I thought. I grabbed his hand and put it on my boob. "Awesome," he said.

And then he promptly fell asleep.

Ok, yes, I know he was probably tired, but so was I. And since when do guys pick sleep over sex? This was so lame. When he started snoring in my ear, I gave up and fell asleep.

The guys left very early the next morning, so I went back to bed after saying goodbye in my sleepy haze. No smooching, even. This is so lame, I thought as I fell asleep.

When I got up, MJ and I decided to get breakfast and get a pedicure to debrief on the night. When I told her about my end of things, she tried her best to help me figure out a reason for my rejection, but we are both at a loss as to why he just wanted to spoon the 2nd night.

By the end of the day, he had friended me on facebook. 3 days later, I messaged him to thank him for posting all the great photos he took from that night. He replied right away and told me that he doesn't like messaging on FB and that I should text him. Cool! I thought. Maybe there is more?

I didn't have time to text him then, so I texted him the next night. I wish I could say that we had a super hawt flirty conversation, but no. We ended up talking about the weather. Why would you ask a girl to text you, only to talk about the weather??? Plus, it was one of those conversations where I felt like I was interviewing him. Hello! Conversations require questions from both parties! It's called "getting to know someone". So I took this to mean that he didn't want to get to know me. He's just not that into me. I get it. Fine. Closure. Done.

But then he texted me last night! To talk about beer! Who is this guy??? Argh!

Please feel free to weigh in with your opinions, because I am thinking of re-naming this guy Mr. Mixed Signals. I invited him and Rocky down here for St. Patty's Day. I guess we will see if they come down. Do you think he likes me but he's just bad at flirting? Should I be more obvious w/flirty texts??? Who am I kidding. This is classic Just Not That Into Me.

It's good that I am blogging right now, because it is preventing me from messaging him on FB. Must. Fight. Temptation. MJ thinks I am reacting like this because I haven't met anyone in a long time and I'm just overreacting. I don't know. All I know is that I was not done making out with him!!!! And he makes me laugh. A lot. *sigh*

Alright, here's the part that is (almost as) cool. Ever since our little make-out sesh, I have felt like sex on a stick. I think I just needed some validation or to break the ice or something. I feel like I have come back to life! I am happy, I feel like a hot babe, I suddenly have all this confidence. It's wonderful! I should be slutty more often. ;)

Which brings me to my New Year's Resolution:
The be sexier.....and slightly sluttier.

This is the BEST resolution ever. Because it's a way more fun way to diet and exercise. I have managed to fool my brain into thinking this is fun. I am fully embracing the Hot Girl Lifestyle. And it's so much fun! I went for a run yesterday -- over a mile! And it was great! My whole goal is to never be home -- Hot Girls are out busy doing stuff and meeting people. Oh crap. Hot Girls also go to bed by this time of night....unless they are making out. I should go, y'all.

2011 is gonna be a great year. I can feel it.

Almost Girl Strikes Again!

DING-DONG.

I open the door. It's Hot Neighbor.

"Thank effing God you did your hair today," says Single Girl.

"AND you're wearing a top that makes your boobs look good!" says Pervert.

"Good job! Because he's here to ask you out!!!" shouts Stupidly Optimistic.

"Yeah, right. Didn't you see how Hoochie McSkankerton and her little blue convertible were camped out at his house ALL DAY today? Exactly how stupid are you? They probably spent the whole day in bed, which is why they ordered a pizza instead of going out to eat. He probably wants to ask you about something neighborly," retorts Cynical.

"Hi," I say.

"Hey," says Hot Neighbor. He looks hot. Obviously.

Then he sort of mumbles something along the lines of, "I need to ask you something...I was wondering if you'd ever want to go to church or dinner sometime...with me..."

"Church??!" shout all the Voices in chorus, utterly confused.

"Who cares about that. We need to know the Hoochie status," states Practical, flatly.

"Um, wouldn't your girlfriend get kind of upset about that?" I ask.

"Oh, who cares about her? There's no rings on any fingers. Jeez, will you let the man ask you out?" says Inner Mom Voice.

"Oh. Um, well, it's not really like that. She's not my girlfriend. She and I are kind of....pulling apart," he explains. I have caught him off-guard. His face is red now. Too cute.

"Pulling apart? What, like dinner rolls? WTF does that mean? Six months into something, you're either together or you're not," says Good Point.

"Obviously, this means they're not! Now, squish your boobs together!" shouts Single Girl.

"Oh. Ok," I reply.

The Voices are cheering and doing cartwheels. There are rumors of a party being planned in my honor. The phrase "ice sculpture" was mentioned, and then vetoed.

"See?! I knew that stupid Hoochie McSkankerton wouldn't last!" exclaims Stupidly Optimistic.

"Yeah, she looks like a South Beach hooker!" blurts Gossipy.

Hot Neighbor continues: "I mean, if my status with her ever changed or anything, I would definitely let you know...just like if our status ever changed, I would let her know. I mean, can't a guy and a girl just hang out as friends?" Hot Neighbor mumbled.

[Insert that party-interrupting record-scratch sound often heard in awkward movie scenes here.]

"WTF does that mean????" shout all the Voices together.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" says Space Cadet. "I was still thinking about how Hoochie looks like a stripper."

"Aha! Did you hear that? 'Friends.' I knew it. He wants you to give him advice on how to mend his relationship with his girlfriend. He wants a shoulder to cry on. And you're going to do it, because you're a big fat sucker," says Cynical, snidely.

I have no idea what to say. Friends? Status? Huh?

The Voices go into overdrive.

"Is he asking you out? Because you don't have any plans next weekend, " says Single Girl.

"It sounded like it, didn't it?!" shrieks Stupidly Optimistic.

"Or is he lonely?" wonders Overly Analytical.

"Is he looking for a re-bound? Because we might want to go for this idea," says Horny.

"OMG, does he want a threesome or something???!!!" squeals Pervert.

"Dude, SO not happening," states Prisspot.

"That's it! He just said it! You're in The Friend Zone (TFZ). Because really, there's no way he's actually asking you out right now." states Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Does he honestly think you are unaware of Hoochie & her weekend sleepovers? Is he trying to pull a fast one on his girlfriend? Or have his cake and eat it, too? Who the hell does this guy think he is?" huffs Bitch Mode.

"Easy, Bitch Mode," warns Logical.

Obviously, my brain was rapidly approaching system overload. I cannot think of what to say. Did this guy just admit that he is currently with her........or not? And does he want to date me....or not? Is he saying he wants a "trial" date or something? This is all very strange. I have never been asked out by a guy who admits to still having a girlfriend. Usually, it's single guys who ask me out. Go figure. I guess I have to give him points for being honest, right?

Luckily, he keeps talking:

"I mean, I know you aren't from here, and you don't know a ton of people, so I thought that well, we could hang out sometime, I mean, we live right next to each other and we don't know each other that well...." he trails off.

I am still dumbfounded.

"I cook!" Hot Neighbor declares, lighting up. This made me giggle.

"Ok, sounds good," I said as I smiled.

"Alright, well, don't be surprised if I knock on your door sometime to see if you want to grab some dinner," he said.

"Ok, I'd like that," I said.

He says goodbye and walks back to his house. I'm standing there, absorbing all of this, with my door open.

Good Point asks, "Wait, he never actually made a date, did he? Does this mean you're Almost Girl again?"

The Voices all groan together, "Oh no! Not 'Almost Girl'!!!! Not again!!"

And that's when both my dogs flew out the door. Great.

I have no shoes on. Great.

Hot Neighbor has his sprinkler going. My dogs make a beeline for it. They will be wet. Great.

Actually, it ended up being good, because Hot Neighbor and I talked for another 5 minutes while he helped me corral my dogs and get them back inside.

No, not like that. Don't get all Stupidly Optimistic on me. Just small talk. Then I got my dogs and went inside.

Remember, he didn't actually ask me out. He ALMOST did.

This guy is trying to date two girls at the same time. I think. Or else he's stringing along his ex while he decides if he wants to date me instead. Like I'm his backup plan or something. He won't let Hoochie go until he's sure he wants to be with me. And I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

At least, I think that's what's going on.

For the first time, I actually feel sorry for Hoochie.

So, what do you think? Did he ask me out or not? Why didn't he set a date? Do you really think Hoochie McSkankerton is totally out of the picture? If so, then why has she been over almost every day for the past week--even seemingly spending the night? She must have a key, because she's been inside his house, waiting for him to get home from work a couple of times. I mean, she's obviously still in the picture. Am I in TFZ?

More importantly, why am I not excited about any of this? I have had a crush on him for so long, but now that it has seemingly happened (both MJ & KT think he just asked me out on a date), I don't even have butterflies or feel excited. I think it's because I'm sketched out by the girlfriend. If he's still with her in any way, I just don't know how I feel about that. I am really not up for being part of Hot Neighbor's harem or being The Other Woman or anything like that. I'm not saying that I need to have him all to myself, but he needs to be fair to both of us. Which, I guess he just said he would do....ugh, I am TOTALLY confused!!!

And is it bad that I think less of him for not just making a clean break with her? I mean, if it's not working, be a man and break up with her officially, you know? If he's sleeping with her, I would NOT feel right going out with him. AT ALL. I just don't think that would be right. Besides, if she's as possessive as NS says, she's probably a psycho, too. And I definitely prefer my life to be drama-free.

I need help, people. Ugh, I HATE being Almost Girl!!!

Another Conversation with My Brain

So I have a problem. And only a guy can help me with it.

Ew, stop right there! I know what you are thinking. Pervert!

Ok, actually, I guess I would need help with that, too, at this point.....

*sigh* Being a perv who can't get any is tough. The jokes aren't as funny after a while.

Alright, back to the story. The problem is, I need to change my air filter, and I am too short to reach it. I need a guy to change it for me. And Hot Neighbor is out of town, not to mention, he's got that stupid girlfriend who doesn't seem to understand that he's supposed to be dating me. That leaves my next most obvious potential air filter changer: Cute Neighbor.

Cue the next Conversation with My Brain.

So last night, at about 8:30, I told Shy to shut the hell up and walked over to his house to ask if he could help me out with this little problem.

"Oh God. You're outside. You're really going to do this, aren't you?" said Shy, trembling.

"Dude, he's going to be SO stoked that you are asking him for help. You are cute and single and friendly. What guy wouldn't want to help you with your air filter? It takes all of 3 seconds. Afterwards, you two are going to have a nice chat and then he will ask you out!" said Confident.

Stupidly Optimistic agreed wholeheartedly. "Don't forget to offer him a beer and invite him over for dinner!"

"Yeah, and your boobs look big in that t-shirt," said Pervert.

"If he invites you in this time, you should go in and suck his face off!" chimed Horny.

"This is a bad idea. He's going to think you're a weirdo. Or worse, that you are interested in him," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"DO NOT give that impression!" shrieked Single Girl.

"Oh. My. God. You're really doing this, aren't you? There's still time to change your mind, you know," said Shy.

"SHUT UP, SHY!!!" everyone shouted. (Everyone hates Shy. They think she's stupid. To be honest, she is pretty annoying.)

I knocked on the door. "That wasn't very loud. There's no way he will hear that," said Good Point.

"Wait! Is that him inside, making that noise? He's probably looking out the window right now to see who it is. Don't look!!!" said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Dude, where is he? It doesn't take this long to answer a door!" said Impatient.

"Can't we just forget this? I'm tired," said Diet & Exercise. (I was pooped from my trip to the gym)

"Yeah, I think we're missing Forensic Files," said Nerd.

"She just didn't knock loud enough. But I think maybe she did that on purpose, because if she doesn't get a chance to talk to him, then she doesn't have a chance to mess things up," said Over-Analytical.

"Ooh, you might be on to something, for once," said Good Point.

"He's taking a long time because he doesn't know if he wants to talk to you. He's watching you right now, trying to decide if you are normal or if you are stalking him. This was one of your more genius ideas, I must say," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Oh crap, how does your hair look? Are you standing so that your good side is facing him when he opens the door? Just try and look nonchalant. And remember to smile," said Single Girl.

"What is the big deal? Jeez Louise, you aren't asking for the moon! But you could stand up a little straighter. Stop slouching," said Inner Mom Voice.

"Ok, fine. Do it. See if I care. Shit, go ahead and knock loud as hell. But have you considered what, exactly, you are going to say?" asked Shy.

"She's going to say something charming and brilliant, and possibly even hysterically funny, if you must know," said Confident.

"No! No! Say something which lets him know you want to get in his pants! Flirt your ass off! Wink! Touch his arm! It's your big chance!" yelled Horny and Pervert.

"Ok, you are going to have to knock again. I don't think he heard you," said Good Point.

"Oh he heard her. He got up, looked out his window, thought, 'This crazy bitch is stalking me!' and sat back down. That's what happened," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Maybe we are here at a bad time? Perhaps he's sleeping or on an important phone call," said Good Point.

"Or he thinks you're the FBI, coming to arrest him!" said Overactive Imagination.

"Or he's watching porn!" said Pervert.

"Tee hee!" giggled Horny.

Impatient sighed. "Can we go now? This is stupid."

"What I want to know is, how long are you going to stand here on his doorstep like an idiot. Anyone want to put some money on this?" said Cynical.

"You fool! Run!!!!" said Panic.

So I quickly walked back to my house and shut the door behind me.

"Gosh I'm glad you said that, Panic!" exclaimed Shy.

"You don't deserve those tits. I think you need to donate them to someone who might actually USE them," Cynical said.

"You are totally pathetic. I am so disappointed in you. You need to take advantage of the ideas I plant in your head, you know. I don't come up with good ones every day," said Single Girl.

"Seriously, are ANY of you even surprised at this point? I mean, come on, look who we're dealing with," said Pity Party.

"I told you this was a bad idea!!!" shouted Shy.

"Ok, so we weren't super confident today. That's ok, we will just try again when you get home from work tomorrow! Maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves. Tomorrow we will be calm and more confident. You can do this, I know you can," said Confident.

"Dude, come on. You know he wants you," said Stupidly Optimistic.

"Can we watch Forensic Files now?" asked Nerd.

"Yes. Please. I need some peace and quiet. Even if it involves learning about how some husband in Michigan chopped up his wife with his wood chipper. Anything, if only y'all will SHUT UP," I said.

Observations

As you can probably tell, my life is still fairly ho-hum. But I can provide you with some interesting observations from the weekend.

Friday night, I met up with KT and got to meet her new boyf. I will call him Scary, because that is pretty much everyone's first impression of this guy. His main hobby is competing in weight lifting contests, and he's bald. He's also about 6'3". Ever go to a bar and you see that one guy, and you look at him and think, "Ok, I am NOT going to piss him off!"? -- that's KT's Scary. He is, for better lack of a better term, massively ripped. So I'm sure you've got an accurate picture in your head now.

I arrived at the Flying Saucer (a popular bar here in town), somehow beating KT there. I noticed there were lots of cuties around, and I think I was getting the eye from a group nearby. WOOT! Five minutes later, she arrived. We chatted for a bit while we waited for Scary to park the car. There were lots of guys in the bar, and I was in the mood to flirt with strangers.

Once Scary arrived, I saw how not only the dynamics of the bar changed, but so did my abilities to catch guys' eyes. Oh, they approached us. They just didn't want to talk to me. (Ok, pick your jaw up. Shocker, I know. How different than usual....riiiiiiight.) They wanted to talk to Scary. Random guys kept approaching him and asking him for workout/diet advice. One guy even walked up to him and said, "So, how does it feel to be the biggest guy in here?" -- understandably, Scary was kind of annoyed by all of this. He just wanted to drink some beer and relax.

This is when I began to wonder: Is Scary unintentionally cock-blocking me? Not that hotties line up in bars to hit on me (ha! I wish!) , but the two guys I saw checking me out when I arrived had disappeared instantly from the moment Scary showed up. This was a relief to Almost Girl, who would have no earthly clue what to do if a cute, normal guy (presumably one who also shared lots of her interests and hobbies, too) actually asked her out on a real date.

So I guess I'm asking all of my normal, presumably non-body-builder male readers: Would you approach a single girl if her friend's boyfriend could beat you to a bloody pulp in an instant? Keep in mind, most of the night we were in a booth and KT and Scary exhibited body language indicating they were dating, and I was across from them, all by myself. Was Scary cock-blocking me?

*Special note to KT, who I know is reading this: I think Scary is a sweet guy, and I am NOT mad about anything. So you can just stop thinking that right now. It's all good in da hood. I'm just making conversation with my readers. Just a thought I had when we were sitting there.*

Now that I have clarified that to KT, I will move on to my next male/female relationship observation.

Yesterday, B & E invited a bunch of people over for a cookout. All the girls were sitting in chairs in the driveway, talking, when B informed us that another couple (I will them Mr. and Mrs. Chemical, since he works with chemicals) would soon be joining us.

E said, "Oh boy. I can't wait. I just love her so much." -- very deadpan.

"Whoa. What's the problem?" W and I asked.

"Did I ever mention Mrs. Chemical to you guys?" she said.

"Mrs. Chemical....." I said, trying to place the name.

E reminded us. Yes, she had mentioned her before. Apparently, one night B & E met up with the Chemicals for dinner. As they were being seated, B muttered something which ticked E off. It wasn't anything major, just an ongoing tiff they had been having. "Oh, B, please. Don't do that now. Please. Just stop," E said. And that was the end of it -- they ended up talking about it after dinner on the way home. No problem, not a big deal.

Mrs. Chemical turns to E and says, "Next time, why don't y'all keep the drama at home, ok?" and went back to reading the menu.

As you can imagine, this didn't sit too well with E, who had just met her that very evening. And since it was just a tiff and they didn't even continue the conversation at the table, E really felt Mrs. Chemical was out of line for saying that. And I have to say, I agree. So E is not what you would call Mrs. Chemical's Biggest Fan.

Butter confirmed that yes, she was a major bitch in general, and this was just one of many incidents she and E had had with Mrs. Chemical since meeting her.

"Oh, man, I don't want to meet her!" I said.

Unfortunately, Mr. Chemical is good friends with B. And now that Mr. Chemical's married, Mrs. Chemical doesn't let him hang out with his buddies anymore. (Oh yes, she's one of those wives.) She thinks that B (and all the other guys) are a bad influence on him because B does like to do admittedly stupid things when he drinks. It's nothing harmful, like drunk driving or fist fights, but more along the lines of stupid tricks which can land you in the Emergency Room. Give a guy horseshoes, darts and large quantities of beer and yes, you will see some stupidity in about 2 hours. That's just how guys are. It's no reason to forbid him from hanging with his buddies.

So it's a big deal that Mr. Chemical can even hang out. He must have been on good behavior, because his wife let him out for a whole 2 1/2 hours to play with his friends.

True to her reputation, W and I are introduced to Mrs. Chemical, and she is most definitely caustic. (Ok, that was a bad joke, I know.) She flopped down into the remaining empty chair, arms crossed over her chest, making little to no eye contact with us and refusing our offers of food and beverage.

It was 6pm and 98 degrees. I know the bitch was thirsty. It is impossible to sit in 98 degree weather in SC and not drink something. Plus, it was dinnertime, and we were grilling out burgers and dogs. Who doesn't want to eat that? Apparently, she was too good for our food, beer and cokes. "Oh whatever, I hope you shrivel up and die, anyway," I remember thinking to myself.

Getting her to talk was even worse. We received one-word answers, negative statements and no inquiries in return. It was like pulling teeth, really. I had to bite my tongue from just opening my big, fat mouth and shouting, "WTF is your problem, anyway? If you don't want to be here, then why didn't you just stay home?" I think that if I ever have to be around her again, I might just actually say that to her....it's a good thing I don't drink, because I seriously would have probably said that if I'd had some beer in my system! It soon dawned on me that she was only there so she could "babysit" her husband and make sure he didn't do anything "wrong".

At one point, W and I were in the kitchen alone, and she said, "Wow, isn't she charming?" to which I replied, "Oh, she's just a peach." We tried to figure out what her problem was while we picked at the cookies and brownies, but we gave up and went back outside.

Meanwhile, her husband, Mr. Chemical? Super sweet guy. Very normal and friendly. He seemed really excited to be there, and enjoyed all the food and beer he could handle. We talked about our careers and dogs (they have a Weimaraner) -- and the more I talked to him, the more I was confused as to how on earth he could be married to such a frigid bitch. She barked orders at him, announced when it was time to leave, was rude to his friends.....Seriously, it made no sense at all that they would even date, let alone marry. Perhaps it's because they were high school sweethearts and he just doesn't know any better? Perhaps he's sticking around, in the hopes that one day, she will give him his balls back? You can't tell me the sex is good. I would never buy that.

All I know is, while I don't approve of cheating, I could kinda understand if he did cheat on her one day.....I mean, imagine what she must be like at home, behind closed doors! Imagine having to live the rest of your life with someone like that. Some women believe in nagging and yelling at their men, thinking they know what's best for them. (I'm not talking about normal nagging, PMS or bad moods, I'm talking about the women who are ALWAYS on their man's case, 24/7, to the point where their friends constantly tease them about it. The women who make their guy feel like he can never do anything right.) And I see these women get results (ie, boyfriends, husbands, "well-trained" men, etc.). But I could just never get serious with someone for whom I have so little respect. I do not understand this behavior in women. And I do not understand the men who never tell these women to f--k off. I feel sorry for the men, but at the same time, it's their own fault for never sticking up for themselves. The whole thing just baffles me.

And to be perfectly honest, I don't want to be with someone who requires that much effort on my part! Am I nuts? Or just lazy? LOL

Observing her behavior, one thought kept running through my head, over and over: How are you married to a super nice guy, and I can't get a date? What is wrong with the Universe?

Do you know couples like this? What do you think? Can you explain this behavior? Because I don't get it! Guys, have you ever dated girls like this? If so, what happened? How did it get like that? What made you end it? Or marry her?

Conversations with My Brain

I promise I'm alive!

It's just that aside from working on my Big Secret Project, I don't have a lot going on right now. And I really need a break from the Southern Culture posts. I will do more, but for now, I need to stop. It takes me so long to assemble each one of those posts -- being the geeky librarian that I am, I have to do research before posting them.

And it gets tiring. Sometimes you just want to log in and start writing, you know?

After much writing, rambling, editing, deleting and small-decision-making (I have written and re-written this post about 3 times today), I have decided to devote this post to introducing you to a new guy in VB World.

Don't get excited.

Good grief, how long have you been reading me? You should know better than to EVER get excited when I talk about guys on here. Calm down. Nothing happened. Nothing EVER happens. This will probably be the only time I even mention this guy. This post is only being written so that you can laugh at me. I'm in a self-deprecating mood today. Trust me, if something cool happened, the post title would tell you. I promise. Can I continue, please? Are we all calm now? Ok.

Allow me to introduce a new character: Cute Neighbor.

Not only do I have Hot Neighbor, I have Cute Neighbor. Oh yes, I am one lucky girl. 2 hotties on my street, and I have yet to spend more than 5 minutes with either one of them. Awesome. I think I can officially give Bridget Jones a run for her money now.

While most girls would have either dated, screwed or at least knocked back a few beers with neighborhood hotties at this point, I am relegated to spying on both of them through my window blinds, wondering what they are doing, where they are going, and why they are not naked in my bedroom. Just another normal day in VB World. My abilities astound me sometimes. I should get in touch with Cosmo. They could write an article inspired by me: "How to be Totally Pathetic".

Cute Neighbor lives directly across the street from me. When I moved in, my real estate agent informed me that she had grown up with him. Since I hadn't laid eyes on him yet, I didn't pump her for info. But I don't remember her saying anything bad. Perhaps I should ask her about him....hmmmm....

This is what I have observed (yes, through my window blinds) so far: He drives a Jeep, plays golf, works out and plays the drums. He never ever has people over, which seems odd to me, but he does go out on weekends sometimes. He dresses normally. He likes to wash his car and takes good care of his lawn. He can change his own oil, which is major points in my book.

He also has gorgeous eyes. And has a kind of geeky vibe going on. Very pale skin. Gives it away every time. Luckily, the older I get, the better geeky guys sound to me.

How do I know he has gorgeous eyes? Why, because I brought him some cookies one day, about 3 weeks ago. When I get bored, I bake. And since I'm on a diet, I can never keep the stuff in the house. So I give it away to the first person I see. But this was a lazy Sunday, and I didn't have any plans on seeing my friends. So I decided to play Nice Neighbor and go door-to-door, handing out cookies to my neighbors. That's when I met Cute Neighbor. I had (obviously) seen him around, but had never gotten a good look at him. Which meant he had never gotten a good look at me, either. Hmmm. How 'bout that.....

I changed into a jean skirt, reapplied my lip gloss, sprayed on some body spray and began playing Neighborhood Girl Scout.

Eventually, I walked over to his house, noticed how nice and green his yard is (far, far different than mine!) and knocked. He opened the door, and I noticed, in true "guy form", he had apparently never decorated anything. He was a little taller than me, had dark hair and these incredible green eyes. Cool.

"Hi, I'm Virginia, from across the street," I said, smiling.

"Hi, I'm Cute Neighbor," he said, also smiling. He shook my hand. Nice and firm. This is good.

I explained why I was knocking on his door, and he eagerly grabbed 3 cookies and said thank you. As we talked, he ate one of the cookies--he couldn't seem to wait. "Note to Self," I thought. "He is apparently in desperate need of homemade baked goods." We talked about his yard, our neighborhood and how he had meant to meet more of his neighbors. He mentioned that because of work, he has crazy hours. But he didn't say what he did for a living, and I always feel it's rude to ask people what they do. Especially when I'm a single girl talking to a (presumably) single guy. So I don't know what he does. But he wears a suit sometimes. That's all I know.

"Hey, you wanna come in?" he said. That's when I got "The Look". You know what I'm talking about, ladies. That look that guys give you when they are checking you out, but they are trying to hide that fact from you. The look that lets you know they like what they're seeing. It's very fleeting, but it's quite an ego booster, I must say. I don't think guys even realize they do it. It's that subtle. Yet unmistakable.

This momentary expression on his face sent my brain, and all of its parts, into a tizzy.

The Diet/Exercise part of my brain said:

"Hey, those trips to the gym are really paying off! Sweet! Maybe I will start getting this look all the time. If I doubled up on my workouts, at this rate...."

Horny interrupted and said:

"Oooh! Yes! Go inside! Maybe you can make out on his couch! Go for it, VB!"

Single Girl said:

"Don't do it! Play hard to get! Tell him you have a date or something. This is too easy. Make him work for it a little more. Ooooh. Nice eyes. Keep talking to him so you can look in his eyes some more. Just make up something. Keep talking. Maybe he'll ask you out. Hey, it looks like he's got decent arms, too. Say something funny so he will fall in love with you instantly. He's probably already intrigued from the cookies. Keeeeeeeep talking........."

Horny said: "Yeah! Nice eyes! Jump his bones! Like he's gonna protest!"

Cynical said:

"This guy just wants more cookies. He's greedy. He thinks that if he can get you inside, you will offer him more cookies."

"Hell yeah, she's gonna offer up some cookies!" Horny said.

"He's got a girlfriend and he's just going to cheat on her right now, with you, because he's got the chance. Men are assholes, and he's no different," warned Bitter.

"No, no, no. He's obviously either a porn addict or some Dungeons & Dragons geek. Look at that pale, transparent skin. He hasn't stepped away from his X-box or computer monitor in 4 months. No wonder no one ever comes to see him. All his friends are online," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Did you say 'porn'?" Horny asked.

"But he seems normal. And total super geeks don't drive Jeeps or play the drums. He's probably super cool. I bet you two have lots in common. You should have a lasagna supper and invite him over. Come on, you've been meaning to have a lasagna dinner for a while. This is a great opportunity!" said Stupidly Optimistic.

Then Overactive Imagination said:

"No.........wait. Going into a seemingly-normal stranger's house? That's how girls disappear. Everyone thought Ted Bundy was normal, too. You don't know him. Maybe he buries women in his backyard. You know, he never has people over. It all makes sense now. His backyard is probably lumpy from all the graves. That's why no one ever comes to his house. His secret would be revealed. Can't you picture the headlines now? Cookie-bearing Woman Disappears: Neighborhood Shocked, Police Want to Question Male Neighbor. And then, two weeks later: Man Buried Local Women in Backyard."

And then Reality, which luckily took over after hearing what Overactive had to say, said out loud:

"Oh, I'd love to, but I can't. I'm actually on my way out."

Which was totally true. I had a gym class to catch. I said goodbye and left my house 5 minutes later.

True to form, he and I haven't spoken a word since. Almost Girl strikes again! The girl who gets checked out sometimes, but never asked out. If this keeps up, I might have to change the name of this blog. You think I'm kidding.

So, what do you think? Did I screw up? Should I have gone into his house? Did he think I was turning him down? Can I remedy the situation? I feel I made the first move and now it's his turn. Perhaps I'm being too stubborn or old-fashioned. Maybe I should make more cookies.......he seemed to like them the first time. Am I just totally pathetic? Maybe I didn't get The Look. Maybe I got an Almost Look. Or maybe he just had indigestion? Or is he maybe thinking along the lines of "don't dig in your own backyard", so to speak?

Arg. I would give anything to hear the conversations he has with his brain. I wonder how it would go...