New Year's Peeve

Greetings from Virginia! I will fill you in on my new life here later, with details about The Most Frustrating and Neverending Move Ever in the History of Relocations, The Magical Weight Loss Phenomenon and The Vague Job with Unavailable Boss (Through No Fault of Her Own). All you need to know at this moment is that

A) I love Richmond already.
B) My love life has already gone to shit, if you can believe it. Luckily, this has not impacted A (see above). Yet.

You may have noticed that it is almost 9pm on New Year's Eve. And I am blogging. In my jammies. Alone. What, did you think things would be different, now that I am out of horrible Savannah? That just because I am closer to my family and finally back where I feel at home that my romantic endeavors would be any different than they always have been? Or perhaps it's because last year's NYE was absolutely amazingly fun and awesome? Oh, my little naive readers. You know I can't let this year end without yet another crash-and-burn tale from my dating life, or lack thereof. Although I got down to the wire, I did manage to squeeze one final story into 2011 for you.

2011 started with a great dating story and it will end with another. Ok, I guess last year's NYE wasn't totally amazing and fun by the time it was over. But it most certainly started off that way, and it was a helluva lot better than the way this one is shaping up. Let me explain.

Thanks to the intervention of several friends and/or relatives, I was talked into (read: dragged kicking and screaming) signing up for eHarmony (emphasis on "harm") late last summer. Since you pay for it 3 months' at a time, I had completely forgotten that it would automatically renew itself, so after 3 months of guys who didn't even sound good on paper, I got to -- surprise! -- get automatically charged for another 3 months' of depressing dating prospects! Well, by the time I realized that this had happened, I was in the midst of leaving Savannah to move to Richmond. And they don't do refunds. So I had another 3 months' worth of prepaid virtual dating to burn through. Ever the Pollyanna/mental nimrod/glutton for punishment that I am when it comes to dating, I decided I would just update my eHarmony profile to list Richmond as my location and keep on trying. I am new in town. What else was I going to do with my free time?

Well, I was very pleasantly surprised, let me tell you. Not only were the men better looking in Richmond, but they were better educated, too, with more interesting jobs. Gone were the Savannah hipster bartenders who looked like they don't bathe and the desperate-for-any-female military men. (I do support our men in uniform, heck, my brother is a vet for pete's sake, but what is with their desperation to get girlfriends? It is seriously freaky. I wish they would work on that, collectively.) The guys in Richmond seem...pretty great, actually! Woo hoo!

There were a few that seemed pretty good, but one stood out above the rest. MM was just the right age, looked like he knew how to have a good time and was pretty good looking. I had looked at his profile about 3 times before I realized that in this one photo, there was a kid. He looked so good in the photo, I literally didn't even see the kid, who turns out to be one of his daughters. Yes, he has 2 daughters and an ex-wife. That's a decent amount of baggage, but I like kids and I am trying to be more open minded about stuff like that. I haven't been dating much lately (read: at all...for 2 years....). I just wanted someone who seemed like fun. So we started emailing, which progressed to texting.

He was great! He was flirtatious, funny and seemed interested in me. He asked me out and we booked a date. We were going to meet for dinner in The Fan, which is the old home/cool boutiques/best restaurants area of Richmond. I was pretty stoked. It was my first date in *ahem* over 2 years (except for the blind date where I was a cougar and we didn't really hit it off anyway, so I am not even going to link to that post). I had an outfit picked out and was kind of excited to do some in-person flirting with MM.

That is, until he canceled on me the day before. Something about work being really crazy and he had to work late on the night of our date. Ok, well, everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, I thought. It's the holidays, and everyone is a little crazy right now. So we rescheduled. And then I cried a little, because I was so disappointed. Normally, I have a rule against dating guys who make me cry, but since this was a work thing, it wasn't his fault. So we ended up just texting for another week. (I began to get annoyed at the texting after a while...why not just call me? So much easier and less sketchy.) Things got very flirtatious, though. It's so easy to flirt via text...where was I?

Our first date went well...even though he was a little bit late. (Again, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt on first dates. They can be nerve-wracking. So I let it slide. He had texted me to say he was running a little late, so that helped.) The food was good and we had good conversation, but what was odd was the complete and total lack of flirting going on. And he was sitting a little farther away from me than I would have preferred. This, from the guy who, earlier in the week, was asking me some very PG-13 questions via my phone (some I would not even answer because they were a little too personal). This same guy, who had been talking up a big storm about kissing me, was acting like we were on a totally blind date. It was very odd.

He also did most of the talking, which is one of my first date pet peeves. I like a healthy split of getting to know each other, not the entire sordid story of why your marriage broke up. All I asked was how long he had been divorced. I didn't really need to know that she cheated and lied and all that other stuff. It's not really any of my business and made me a little uncomfortable.

I switched topics and asked him about his family. He describes his mother as "manipulative and controlling" and I could see a little red flag pop up. Now, anyone who knows me at all knows that my mother drives me nuts and I believe The Czarina to be a major control freak, but I would never describe her as manipulative, and I certainly wouldn't tell any of that to someone I just met. This, combined with his description of his ex-wife and a couple of bad dates he'd been on recently caused me to make a joke about how he'd bad mouth me later, too. He assured me I was a very pleasant surprise and that I was as attractive in person as I was in my photos. That was a relief. I decided that I would keep my ears peeled for more misogynistic comments, but the little things he said weren't instant deal breakers. For all I knew, it could have been nerves.

I decided to focus on how good looking he was and how good he smelled. And how to get him to sit closer to me. I decided to take off my jacket, exposing a black sequined top that was cut just low enough to be date-worthy, but not slutty. I could feel his eyes right where I wanted them to be. And although he did angle his body towards me a little more and put his arm on the back of the booth, his rear remained firmly in place...too far away for any serious flirting to take place. Rats. I guess that's what I got for telling him the he's not allowed to kiss me on our first date. Oh the joys of trying to pretend to be good when I really don't want to be..........

Our date got better as the night wore on. Aside from the comments about his mom and ex and my unsuccessful attempt to get him to scoot closer, it went well. It went so well that he asked me for a 2nd date just before hugging me goodbye. I was stoked.

Then, all this week, he went back to the vicious flirting and regular texting. I told him I was tired of texting and just wanted to talk, so he called me. After the phone call, he texted me to say how much he likes hearing my voice on the phone. He even asked my favorite question in the whole world: "When can I see you again?". *sigh* I love that question. At this point, I am thinking we are definitely having a super hot makeout session on Date #2. Even if I have to wear a super slut-tastic shirt this time. I can't take it anymore.

Two hours before he's supposed to pick me up for our second date, he texts me.

Would you be pissed if I asked you if we could reschedule for next week?

"If you have to ask that question, you already know the answer, douchebag," I thought. I texted back: So you're canceling on me again?

I am so sorry, he replied.

At this point, I am about to punch a wall I am so pissed. I don't reply. When I get home from work, he texts me again: I am so sorry. If you don't ever want to talk to me again, I totally understand.

Now, I am not stupid. I know that if you really liked someone, you would never say that, out of fear they'd take you up on the idea. He wanted out, but didn't want to be the bad guy. This guy has really mastered texting. He uses it to say all sorts of things he doesn't have the balls to say in person. Despite texting me every day, despite all his little innuendos about sleeping with me, despite the compliments he gave me, despite asking me out a 2nd time...he wanted out. Why, I don't know. And I never will know. Because I replied with

Good. Because I don't.

The worst part was, he never replied to that text.

Proper First Date Behavior (Part1)

3rd in a series. See below.

Let's see. Where did we leave off? Oh yes. You have the plan. You have made the date.

Oh, I didn't discuss lunch vs. dinner date or weekday vs. weekend date. Hmmm. You know, Phantom Hater had good logic behind his love of lunch dates. (See comments in last post.) But I'm a firm believer in Chris Brander's advice in Just Friends: Friends go on lunch dates. So if you are worried that you might possibly be in The Friend Zone (TFZ), dispel all confusion by taking Crush Girl out to dinner. Other than that, I'm going to say, go with whatever. Some people can't really afford to be picky about when their dates occur. *ahem*

Ironic that I've been posting about dating, isn't it? In the 5 years I've lived here, I've been single for 4 of them. WOW.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. It's Date Day (or Night).

This is how to AVOID major foul-ups which could land you a slap in the face and/or Sunday Brunch ridiculing by your date and her girlfriends: Try and make a good impression by being polite and courteous. Try and get to know your date. Relax and have fun -- it's dating, not a job interview.

Oh! You want details? Well, ok. To make this more accessible for my male readers, I will structure this like a game. The more points you get, the better you do.

1. Clean your car. Some girls *ahem* watch this very closely. You might even call it "The Clean Car Test". Guys who clean their cars are out to impress. Be that guy. +/-50

2. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: DO NOT BE LATE. It's insulting and shows a general lack of consideration. It's a good way to make your date feel unimportant. That's not good. Yes, I realize she will still be getting ready when you arrive. This does not mean you can fudge on 10 minutes. You must be on time. If you are going to be more than 10 minutes late, a PHONE CALL is required. And you'd better have a good excuse: your dog is sick, you got a flat tire, you are bleeding from your eye sockets, etc. If you don't have a good excuse, DO NOT LIE. (Do you really want to start lying to her already? You haven't even gone out yet!) Just tell us you're an idiot who lost track of time. We like it when you acknowledge your idiocy. This will actually score you points. If you are late, even with a good excuse, you are expected to make a humble apology. Three times.

Being on time is NOT THAT HARD. Suck it up, be an adult, and be on time. Please and thank you.

On time: expected, so no points. Being late: -100 points for every 5 minutes you are late. Apologizing for being late: expected, so no points. Apologizing fewer than 3 times, or just generally acting like it's no big deal: -100. Calling to say you're going to be late: +5

Note: If you are someone who is chronically tardy, do not worry. Some girls are lax on the tardiness rule, since they, too, are chronically tardy (gee...wonder who I'm referring to....). But the First Date is different. Better to play it safe and be on time. You can ask her during the date if she's a stickler for punctuality. This is called "Learning What She Likes" and it's another one of your goals.

Note: Do NOT show up 30 minutes ahead of time, like one guy did to me once. I had to entertain him for 30 minutes (he needed the TV remote, a drink, etc.) AND he had to see me without makeup on. Not good. Very irritating. Stick to no more than 10 minutes early. Any more than that, and you will lose 50 points.

3. Pick her up at her house (or place of employment). I cannot stress this enough. It shows you're willing to go the extra step. First of all, she's probably going to be running late (tweezing, powdering, outfit changing, hair do-ing, etc.) so you're going to be waiting on her anyway. Second of all, you don't want her thinking, "Gah, he can't even be bothered to pick me up on the FIRST date? This guy is so full of himself, he doesn't care about making an impression on me. Or else he's just incredibly lazy. What a jerk. I'm ordering the lobster." -- See? Like being on time, it's just better to pick her up. You can ask her on the date if she's cool with meeting up next time. ( "Learning What She Likes".) Most girls are considerate and accommodating in this regard, especially if decent amounts of time or money are expended in order to pick her up.

Picking her up for the first date: expected (usually). Picking her up, always: the points progress in value the longer you do it. So if you are still picking her up for everything 6 months into the relationship, you're getting about 100 points per pick-up. Picking her up, but whining about it: -25 points.

Note: Do not take it personally if she's a little on the paranoid side, and wants to meet you there on the first date. Some girls are just hyper-aware of safety. It doesn't mean you're creepy. If you were creepy, she wouldn't be going out with you. In theory.

Note: Another reason you want to pick her up is so that she doesn't have to wait on YOU to arrive. At best, she'll be mad that she had to wait alone, and at worst, another guy could steal your date! (-500 points)

Note: You will probably score lots of points if you are the guy who ALWAYS picks her up. If she thinks you're crazy for being that way or protests the idea, you can just say, "You're worth the effort." You will score even more points (+8,000). This will make it much easier to get into her pants later on.

Note: By picking her up at her place of employment/house, you can get a glimpse into her world: what she's like, what she surrounds herself with, whether or not her coworkers/roommate likes her. This is all good for information-gathering purposes. You can learn a LOT about someone by seeing the inside of their house. Good things to look at while you wait for her, ever so innocently: pics on her fridge, amount of clutter, books/movies/CDs/magazines laying around, evidence of an ability to cook, absence of objects which would indicate there's another man in her life.

4. Do not be negative, whiny or complaining. It's not fun to listen to people bitch and moan. Dates are supposed to be fun. People like being around people who are happy and positive. Feel free to keep track of how negative she is being, btw. No one wants to be dating Debbie Downer. Being negative: -25 pts. per incident.

5. One of the first things you should say is how fantastic/beautiful/gorgeous/hot/thin your date looks. Remember, we will NEVER get sick of hearing this until the day we die, so feel free to gush about it periodically throughout the date. Throw in a "Wow!" or a "No, really, I mean, WOW!" and you'll get even more points. Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Can you hear the points racking up??? (+100 per compliment) Don't overdo it, though or we will stop believing you. 3 times per date is pretty good.

6. Regarding doors and their opening. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where Every Woman is Different. However, I would advise any unsure, single guy to continue opening all doors for her unless she tells you to stop or grabs the door first. That is her way of saying, "I appreciate your kindness, but this isn't 1886 and I can get my own door, thanks. In fact, how about I hold it for you, too?" Rare is the modern girl who would be grossly offended by your opening the door for her. So when in doubt, hold and open all doors: car, restaurant, building, etc. It's better to slightly offend a modern woman (-15 points) than to GREATLY offend an old-fashioned one (-25,000). Because as an old-fashioned woman, I can tell you it really ticks me off when I'm not even worth a door holding. It will blow the date, actually--dating privileges will be revoked. In fact, if the door is not held for me, I will patiently wait until it is. One guy was halfway to the restaurant table with the hostess before realizing I was still outside, waiting for the door. High maintenance? Maybe. But he was very embarrassed, let me tell you.*

* I would like the record to show that this is pretty much the only high-maintenance thing I do. Doors are a big deal to me. You don't have to take me shopping or drive a nice car to impress me. Just open the damn door. It's not that hard. And I'm sure I'm not the only girl who feels like this. Ladies, back me up.

Note: Feel free to stop holding doors open if she doesn't say "Thank you," each and every time. We should be polite, too.

Note: Here's a crazy notion! If you don't know if she would like the doors opened for her, ASK. (+25 points for caring enough to ask.) This is another part of that whole "Learning What She Likes" thing.

7. Keep in mind that women's bodies are not as warm as men's bodies. This has been scientifically proven. There's about an 8 degrees Fahrenheit difference between the sexes when it comes to "comfy". Women get cold very easily, so you will get points for asking her if she is hot/cold/comfortable when you're in the car or at the restaurant. This is called "being courteous." Guess what kind of guy we like to kiss. Ding! Ding! Ding! You got it. (+ 75)

8. Turn the music down when you're in the car. What's more important, her telling you something about herself or listening to "Panama City" for the 4,367th time? Don't you want to hear what she has to say? If not, then why are you on this date?? (+75)

9. Avoid introducing Crush Girl to your Inner Hulk. Deep breaths. No yelling at other drivers. We want to feel like we are out with gentlemen who are in control of themselves, not silverback gorillas who are proverbially beating their chests when their manhood is challenged. Also included in this category are temper tantrums, jealous behavior, etc. (Gorilla-like behavior: -500 per occurrence.)

10. Another one of your goals should be to make your date feel safe at all times. Guys don't think about it much, because they are big, strong, brave and know how to fix stuff, so they don't need to worry about these things. But girls are usually of a more fragile physical nature. A lot of us have no idea what to do when the tire goes flat or when a bird flies inside the house. And we live in constant fear that around the next corner is a mugger, waiting to rob us, rape us and slit our throat. That's why we all carry those little mace things on our keychains. It also plays a role in why we like muscles and tall men so much. Big and strong = safety. You can put your date at ease by reassuring her you can protect her in case of muggers/natural disasters/giant insects/Armageddon/scary things in general. (+5,000 for giving off the "you're safe with me!" vibe, with an extra bonus of 20,000 points if you actually end up protecting her from something truly dangerous. Unless it's a big bug, which only counts for 75 points per bug. If we have to call our fathers or brothers for help, because you are as useless as a little girl when a crisis arises, -25,000. If you carry a gun to work, I will give you + 10,000 bonus. But that's just me. Guns are hot.)

I remember I was on a date with a nice guy once. We were leaving a movie theater when a SUPER creepy guy walked up to us and asked to bum a cigarette. If I had been alone, I would have literally run away from the guy--he was that scary. So imagine my terror to find that not only was my date giving him a smoke, but he proceeded to sit and chat with him for about 5 minutes. Not only was he not quickly whisking me away from Mr. Creepy, he was exposing me to more Mr. Creepy time. That was the last time I went out with that guy. If a girl can't feel safe with you, you don't have anything.

Note: This does not give you license to get into fist fights over trivial matters while on the date. There's a difference between feeling like we are safe and feeling like we are babysitting. See #9, above. (Fist fight on a date = -25,000. In most cases, your dating privileges will also be revoked.)

Part 2 is tomorrow....

Comments? Criticism? Praise? Let's discuss.

On Being the Man with the Plan

Wow. I almost didn't post the last post, because it was so long. I'll try and keep this one shorter. Oh who am I kidding. We both know I will ramble on in this one, too. Here goes. Step-by-step.

Let's assume you've got Crush Girl on the phone, and things are going well. Pats on the back for you, Stud Machine. You've mastered the hard part: The Approach. And you got the digits. Now that you're talking to her, what exactly, do you plan on saying? You've caught the bunny, but what do you do next?

1. First of all, at this point, she knows you're interested. She's also expecting you to ask her out. That is why you got her digits, right?? So go on. It's showtime. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If she gave you her number, you've got about a 95% chance that she also wants you to ask her out. But what if you can't ask her out because you're broke right now/really busy/terrified of her/going out of town for a month/etc.? No problem. Just make sure you either make a date with her by the end of the 2nd conversation (you are allowed one wuss-out phone call) OR, if you truly honestly are very busy, make a date in advance. Something along the lines of: "Man, Susie, you are great. Hey listen. I have to go to Burma for about 8 weeks to inoculate orphans for malaria, but when I get back, I'd love to take you out to dinner. How does that sound?"

My point is, if you can't make a date right away, whether because you're a busy guy or just a regular old wuss (don't worry, some girls are flattered that we can reduce you to a Puddle of Liquid Wimp) -- all is not lost. Just make sure you reassure her that you are indeed interested in taking her out romantically, and not just calling her up randomly.

PLEASE, if you are the guy who tends to be the Puddle of Liquid Wimp, do not waste our time by calling us up just to chat, and then finally getting around to asking us out during Phone Call #12. We are busy, too! Cut to the chase already! The phone is not some kind of free, screening tool you get to use before you are forced to spend money on us. You cannot use ten calls as a substitute for a first date. Doing so will make you seem like not only a total wuss, but also a total cheapskate. Do your screening before you get our number. If you have the number, it's time to seal the deal. To quote Monty Python: Get on with it!!!

2. Let's assume you are not a Puddle of Liquid Wimp, and you have mustered up the courage to ask her out. Wait, wait, wait! Stop that train. Do you have a plan? Because you should. This is the next big important lesson, so write this down: ALWAYS BE THE MAN WITH THE PLAN. This is especially true in the beginning. Having a defined plan for what you want to show her/share with her makes the girl feel you
A) care enough to put some thought into this & you are looking forward to it
B) have neat things to show her, and up until she met you, she's been missing out
C) have confidence that it will be great, and all she has to do is show up and look good
And trust me, all three of these impression are very, very good.

To be The Man with the Plan, you need at least an initial location: restaurant, movie theater, park, store, etc. You can improvise from there, that's fine. Just don't be the guy who says, "I dunno. What do you want to do?" Ugh. I hate hearing that. And I know of other girls who do, too. Newsflash, men: If we thought we were getting everything we want out of life already, we wouldn't have accepted a date with you. Your goal should be to show us what we have been missing out on by dating all those other guys and not you. You know what's great to hear? When a guy starts a sentence with, "Hmmm. Have you ever....?" -- YAY! This is a sign of a guy who has fun, unique ideas!!! This is your chance to show off to her! See if she knows about that cool place you like to hang out. Or if she is willing to try Ethiopian cuisine. Or go kayaking. Just throw out a few ideas and see what she goes for. You can pick something you're experienced in, if it will give you some confidence during the date. That's fine. Plus, if it's a hobby of yours, it can give you nice opportunities for physical contact. Example: If she's never golfed, take her to the driving range. Oh, gosh, she needs some help holding the club. Cue the um, tutoring session......

Other fun ideas include: coffeeshops, bookstores, going to a cooking class, a picnic in a park, going to a comedy show (there is more opportunity for talking than at a movie), checking out a new bar in town, going to an art gallery, taking a salsa lesson, playing pool/darts, the zoo, a sporting event, a round of tennis or putt-putt golfing (I have found that a little healthy competition can really make sparks fly...).

Don't rule out something neither one of you have tried. It could be really fun. You can do the whole dinner-and-a-movie thing later on. Right now, you want to impress the bejeezus out of her. So having a kick-ass plan is crucial. Have three or more ideas lined up to toss her way.

Things which would be bad ideas include:
shopping (are you gay?),
painting pottery (again, are you gay?),
anything where the two of you are totally alone (public places make her feel safe, and private places -- like your apartment -- make her feel like you are only interested in one thing),
meeting any member of your family (too much pressure),
meeting your friends (unless she already knows them -- again, too much pressure),
taking her to a work function (um, you don't know her well, so is that a risk you want to take?), taking her to Olive Garden (or any major chain restaurant, unless you live in Podunk and you have no other choice),
camping (we want to feel pretty on our first date, not grungy)
taking her to any sort of convention/fan club event (unless you've had a Kung Fu moment, where you've discovered she's into the same unusual hobby you're into)
planning something where she won't have time to get pretty for the date because she has to come straight from work (this might add to her stress, something you don't want to cause)
the gym (this is something you do once you're bf/gf.)
a trip to anywhere out of town (too soon! Easy, tiger!)
asking her to lunch (unless you are honestly THAT busy, we will just think you have a wife/girlfriend! Pony up for an evening date, even if it's just drinks! Friends go to lunch. Boyfriends and girlfriends go to dinner. Nuff said.)
car show/electronics shopping (unless she's as into it as you are)
an engagement party/wedding (you might freak her out!)
anything with babies (again, freak out is possible! -- Yes, women can freak out about that stuff, too. Men are not alone in this.)

Also, nothing involving politics or religion. That's a date #2-3 topic.

3. Um, actually, let me just go ahead and talk about the dinner-and-a-movie thing right now. It is the CRAPPIEST first date EVER. Why? First of all, she's done it a zillion times. It's hard to get excited about that. (Trust me, you want her to be excited, and preferably, gushing to her girlfriends about how you have a supercool date idea.) Second of all, there is no talking for half of the date. By the end of it, you scarcely know each other any better than you did when the date started. I mean, let's face it. That first meal together is usually awkward small talk. The third reason is that it's TOTALLY BORING. *yawn!* These guys are a dime a dozen. Anyone can come up with dinner-and-a-movie. Save that for later on, when a movie comes out that you both REALLY want to see. By then, you'll be comfy enough with each other to get some mid-movie smooching in, too. See? I have your best interests at heart, guys.

4. Alright, let's say you would love to make a super-impressive plan, but you are broke. Or you work weird hours. Or you currently don't have a car. Whatever. That's fine. You are just going to have to work around it and get creative. This is a good time to call in some backup: Run your ideas by friends, gal pals, married guys or even your sister/Mom. They can help you sort out the details. Girls are especially helpful in these sorts of situations. Never forget that everyone -- even Crush Girl -- is pulling for you, man. And guys who can make it happen, despite the odds? Hot. Way hot. The more effort you put into pulling off a great date, the more memorable it will be for her. Exhibit A. Oh, and you don't need to brag about all of your effort. She'll pick up on it, trust me. And spending large amounts of money isn't necessary for a good first date to happen. Unless you're dating a gold digger. In which case, why are you reading this?

5. Are you wondering why you have to do all the work? Ok, that's a legitimate question. Let me put it to you this way. Do you want her to feel special? Important? Relaxed? Then you need to do the planning for about 2 dates. After that, you can start getting input from her. The only thing she should have to do to get ready for date #1 is to look good and show up with a smile on her face. Everything else is your job. Telling her that not only does she have to shower, shave, dry her hair, do her hair, put on her makeup, find an outfit, call 3 girlfriends for 2nd opinions on the outfit, change outfits 4 more times, pluck her eyebrows, talk to her mother -- who has called to lecture her about proper date behavior as though she's never been on a date in her life, change her lipstick, re-curl that lock of hair, spray perfume, select matching earrings, look in the mirror to see how her butt looks in that outfit as opposed to outfit #4, change purses and clean the front hallway/room of her house before you ring the doorbell.......but she ALSO has to pick the restaurant and date activity?! Whew! I'm tired and stressed out, just from re-reading that! Do you want your date to be tired AND stressed? I didn't think so. Trust me, and just plan it, ok? She will be grateful you did.

NOT being The Man with the Plan sends out the following message: "Yeah, I'm interested enough to ask you out, but not interested enough to really think about how it will go. So if it gets messed up, eh. No biggie. I didn't really care to begin with." OR "OMG, I am paralyzed by fear at the thought of possibly messing this up and then you will hate me. I will feel better if you just run the show, because I need to spend the date in the bathroom, calling my mother."

UGH! The first one makes you sound like a cocky asshole who doesn't view Crush Girl as special (very insulting!) and the second one makes us want to beat you up, just because we can! How do you expect us to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself? Is this really what you are going for???

The attitude we want to hear is this: "I have really been looking forward to this for a while. You are amazing and I'm really hoping to make a great impression. So just sit back, relax, and let me show you a great time."

Ahhh. Music to my ears.

6. So, at this point, you've got a cool plan/restaurant/activity in mind. Great! And you've mustered up the courage to ask her out. Super! And she said yes! That's wonderful! Just set a day and time, get directions to her place (unless she wants to meet you there) and call her the day before to confirm all the details. (You can call the "day of" to confirm details, but why leave Crush Girl hanging like that? Best to call the day before.)

WHEW. Ok, the most difficult parts are over. Now, you just have to impress her ON the supercool date.....

Atlanta, an Alcoholic & Almost Girl

I'm not dead! Just very busy.

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts and prayers for GP. She is doing a lot better now and should be going home at the end of the week. I appreciate your concern and sympathies. I think I'm going to make some cookies for them and mail them up there.

I was in Atlanta most of last week. I had to go to a conference. My hotel was right near here and here. So I took some time to do some window shopping in these ultra-swanky malls.

I bought a super cute purse (sorry, can't find a pic), but otherwise, it was easy to avoid temptation in a mall where prices start at $200. If I had the money, I would have bought something at this store because everything in there was SO me. But prices there started at about $350. Ouch. So purchasing stuff there will have to wait until I marry Julian McMahon.

Y'all, have you tried these new fancy beds they have in hotels now? Holy cow, they have a good thing going on with these beds. You sit on them and you're like, "Oh, wow, gosh, this is really comfzzzzzzzzzzzz............." and four hours later, you wake up. I highly recommend these beds. I am so getting one when Julian and I get married. Complete with their zillion-thread-count sheets. Then he and I can hump like rabbits in total Egyptian cotton bliss.

So....you are going to love this post. Because I have so much to share. (Shocker!!)

Let's start with Wednesday's blind date. Blonde set me up with a guy who is about 32, 33--somewhere in that range. She described him as a "cute partier", which, to my naive brain meant "fun and smoochable".

Because I had a lot of extra time to get ready, I decided to go all-out: black pencil skirt, fitted white stretchy top, metallic stilettos and smoky eye makeup. I even had time to put hot rollers in my hair, and DAMN I had a good hair day. Seriously. Top 5 hair days of all time.

Feeling very confident, I went to the bar where I was meeting up with Blonde, her boyfriend and my date. When they arrived, I have to say, I was a little disappointed. I had forgotten that Blonde's definition of "cute partier" was vastly different than mine. Apparently the "cute" part meant "not cute" and the "partier" part meant "alcoholic".

Between meeting up with me at the bar and then literally getting up to walk to our table, my date had polished off a vodka & water. I'm talking less than 5 minutes, here, peeps. He had another one immediately afterwards. So he had downed two of these in about 15 minutes. Now, it's been a long time since I've drunk alcohol, but it seems to me that vodka & water would be a rough combination, especially on an empty stomach--it was 9pm and he hadn't had any dinner. When the waitress came over to ask him if he wanted a 3rd vodka & water, I realized what was happening, and my jaw literally dropped. I thought he was still on his first drink!

I think he saw my reaction, because he switched to beer. Now, I know people get nervous on dates, especially blind dates. But this guy had alcoholic written all over him. He gave me a very hard time about the fact that I don't drink (always a sign, trust me). Every story he told involved drinking. He talks veeeeeeeerrrrrry slowly, to the point that he sounds stupid. I knew a guy like that once, in college. He was probably the biggest partier I'd ever met. So I know that his speech pattern was probably a result of years of heavy drinking and probably a lot of pot smoking, too.

You would think that his personality would improve with the alcohol consumption, but it didn't. He was boring and not funny. He just became quieter and quieter as he drank. Seriously, I could have had a V-8. It was bad. And seeing as how I dated a guy last year with questionable reactions to alcohol consumption, I'm not about to start dating another one. I am really over dating frat boys who never grew up. I am tired of the big partiers. I want a stable, mature man.

When he asked if he could take me to dinner sometime, I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from retorting, "Why? Because this is going so well?" But instead, I just replied flatly, "No. I'm sorry." He appreciated my honesty and then I excused myself and went home, all the while, wondering what in the hell Blonde was thinking by setting me up with him, and frustrated for wasting a good hair day.

As I pulled into my driveway, I realized with excitement that Hot Neighbor was pulling into his driveway at the same time. This was my big chance for him to see me looking nice for once. I got out and started walking to my door. He ran over to me. "Hey, girl. What's going on? You look great!"

Suh-weet. "This could not be better timing," I thought.

I told him about my lame date, and he sympathized. "How old was is?" he asked. "Oh, about 32 or 33. Somewhere in there," I answered.

"Gah, he's making us look bad!" he replied. And I thought, "Mmmm....no, not really....."

Looking back, I should have told him to set me up with a better 33-year-old....dang. Hate it when you think of good stuff to say only after it's too late!

Then he asked me about my super-secret project, and I told him I was basically aborting mission and thinking of an alternate route to my goal. (Sorry, I can't be more specific...) He told me he could help me by putting me in touch with the right people for an alternate plan I have considered in the past. He's going to drop off a list of names and numbers for me, hopefully soon.( Of course, he's obviously trying to figure out how he can see me again. Duh.)

We chatted some about our jobs and my dogs before parting ways.

By the time I went inside, he had told me I looked really great THREE times. He totally checked me out. Woot!!!!

Oh, and I asked him last Tuesday if he would take my trash can down to the curb on Friday, since I would be in Atlanta when the trash men came. He remembered. That scored some points with me, definitely. Gotta love a reliable guy. They are few and far between. Lord knows what I've had to deal with in the past...

Looking back, I should have asked him to get my mail for me, too, because then I would have an excuse to go knocking on his door....shoot. I'm not very good of thinking of the best thing to say at the time. It's because he makes me all nervous and jittery.

Did I mention that he knocked on my door the other day and I answered, wearing only a towel? Gosh. Hate when that happens. I had just gotten out of the shower and dried my hair. No makeup on yet, but I figured the "just a towel" factor sort of counter-acted that. He was asking me about K and if she had moved out. I told him she had. He said he would let me know if he knew anyone who would be interested in moving in with me. I realized only after it was too late that the whole time he was talking, I was, without realizing it, smiling and biting my lower lip. Yeesh. I am ridiculous.

Of course, in my head, the story kinda ends more like this: I "accidentally" drop my towel and he ends up pushing me against the wall and making me very, very late for dinner. Tee hee.

*pauses to imagine situation*

Ok, now that that's overwith....

Rob Thomas never called. Yeah. I feel pretty let down. It is kind of surprising to me, because I would have bet big bucks I had that in the bag. I totally got the whole, "Oh, we are so going to start dating now," thought in my brain. I have never been wrong with that gut feeling before. But there's a first time for everything. On Friday night I talked to his roommate, B, about it at Happy Hour.

"I think he's still hung up on his ex. They broke up last July and he was pretty devastated. She still calls him and leads him on," he explained.

"Are you kidding me???" I said in disbelief.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, VB. That's the only reason I can think of. But I think he's making a huge mistake, and I do think you two would be really good together. I could tell y'all had a good time, and he even said he had a good time. I just think that maybe he's not over his ex. He and I didn't talk about why he never called you, but that's what I think is going on," he said.

"I hate his ex-girlfriend, VB. Seriously, all his friends hate her. He's being an idiot," E chimed in. (Remember, my friend E is dating B, and they have been trying to get me hooked up with Rob Thomas for weeks.)

Soon after, as I was leaving with E, I proceeded to have a total meltdown. Feeling totally frustrated and rejected, I started crying in public. Right at the front door of the bar. Awesome. Love it when I do this. "That's it, E! I'm not dating anymore! I am so OVER this! I am done. Do you see? Do you see why I don't date? I can never catch a break. I'm always the runner-up girl. The 'almost' girl. Hot Neighbor almost asked me out once. Cute guys almost talk to me. The Magician almost called me. [Ok, I don't know if he ever considered calling me, but to my rejection-fueled brain, this made sense at the time.] Rob Thomas and I almost started dating. I am sick of it!" I bawled.

Of course, as luck would have it, B walked up right in the middle of this meltdown. I know he won't say anything to Rob, but still. I didn't want him to think I was so upset about all of this. And I wasn't -- I had been driving in Atlanta/Columbia traffic all day and had been running around like a chicken since I had gotten up that morning. I was exhausted. When I'm exhausted, I cry. To be honest, I had no business even going out on Friday. Stubbing my toe, contemplating world peace or talking about Paris Hilton's jail time would have made me cry, too. My tears were just looking for an excuse to make an appearance. B&E sat with me and calmed me down. They said a lot of things that made me feel better. (My favorite? "He's making a huge mistake."-- I love hearing that.) I took some deep breaths and got in my car and drove home.

It's nice that they are pulling for me. They were worried that I would not feel comfortable hanging out at B's house, since Rob would be there. I told them it's ok and that I would be fine. They want to have a cookout soon, and they really want me to go. I will go, but I just have to make sure I look smokin' hot and bring something totally delicious (toffee cheesecake??). I don't think it will be too awkward. I will be nice to him. But distant.

After all this, I think I may officially give up entirely on dating. When you look back on your dating history and realize that every ex-boyfriend is worse than the last, that's not good. When you are getting set up with alcoholics, I think that is a sign you might want to just throw in the towel. And sure, Hot Neighbor checked me out. But that's a long way from asking me out. (Remember, I am "almost girl"). I'm sure Wednesday Skank is still on the scene (although, I haven't seen her in a while...). And yes, it is nice that Rob and I hit it off, but it's obviously never going to happen. I am tired of dating guys who seem nice at first, only to throw me onto an emotional rollercoaster and hurt me. It's soooo much easier to just be alone. I hate being Almost Girl. I'm tired of it. It's better to be Alone Girl.

The Blind Date

I had a blind date last night. A lady that used to work here set me up. Now, I never worked with her--she left before I came here. But I have heard all these great things about her. And I met her the other day when she came by to say hello to all her old coworkers. She is a hoot! I thought, "Gosh, she is so much fun. I should take her up on the offer--I bet the guy is fun, too."

So I did.

Boy, what a mistake that was. I went on a blind date with my DAD: he was old--he has gray hair and looks kinda like my Dad when he was younger. Ugh, it was just creepy weird. As if that wasn't bad enough, he apparently forgot to bring both his personality and his sense of humor. Ever meet someone without any spunk at all? The kind of person you can't ever joke around with? Those people who don't get any of your jokes? Yeah, it's not fun. It was so bad, that after one coke, I made a lame excuse and split, walking 2 blocks back to my car in the pouring rain--no umbrella. I didn't care about getting wet! I just had to get away from him! I went home and watched a movie. You know it's a bad date when it gets trumped by Dude, Where's My Car? (Which, by the way, has its funny parts--seriously, you might like it. Watch it. And then...and then...) -- inside joke for anyone who's seen it.

Oh, one other thing about this guy--he has a big birthmark in the dead center of his forehead. So it was really hard not to look at it. I felt sort of like Austin Powers with the Mole guy. Remember that scene from Goldmember?

I don't understand why people don't get these sorts of things removed. Big moles, large birthmarks, big warts, hairy chins (on women)....anyone have any stories about people like this? Am I the only one who wonders why people don't do something about these distracting things? I mean, come on, get that thing taken off your face!!!!

The worst part was, I was wearing my lucky purple shoes. I hope he didn't jinx them with his big purple birthmark! Or that the shoes didn't run out of luck!

Disrespectful Dan

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. --Oprah Winfrey, who attributes it to Maya Angelou

This is a quote I heard recently, and I can say it is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard. It is one of my new mantras, actually. I'm going to start following it more often. Starting today.

Last night I had a date with Danger Dan. As you probably noticed from the title of this entry, his nickname is now Disrespectul Dan. We had a great time when we met for drinks last week--I was definitely interested. He was funny and considerate. But ever since then, it's sort of fizzled. The last couple of phone conversations we had were awkward. His cell phone is broken so his calls get dropped. He likes to call me from his garage so there is an echo. He pauses so long between his statements that I'm constantly saying, "Hello? Are you there?" You get the picture--talking with him is a chore. I knew I was feeling uncomfortable about the date because as I was getting ready, I didn't want to wear anything revealing or low-cut. That is a definite sign I'm not super-keen on the date in the first place. So we were already off to an uncomfortable start, in my book.

When we were driving to the restaurant, another driver pulled in front of him. The other driver used his turn signal and switched into our lane as nicely as possible. It wasn't a dangerous driving maneuver, but it was enough to warrant Dan braking slightly. He made a comment under his breath, which I can't hold against him. I probably would have done the same thing. It's what he did next that bothered me: He immediatly turned his brights on and tailed the guy. Yeah, mature. No boundary or anger issues here. I thought, "Cue red flag #1...."

As we were driving to the restaurant, I was explaining my Bigfoot situation to him. I felt relieved when he told me a horrible roommate situation he had once. The bad roommate conned his way out of paying rent for three months. I was enjoying the story...until he got to the part where he "made a bunch of phone calls to try and get even by getting his boss to withhold money from his paycheck." At this point I'm thinking, "What is it with this guy and getting even?? Red flag #2, buddy!"

I'm thinking maybe he is trying to prove to me that he is macho or something, so I try and forget the revenge-oriented behavior. We went to an Italian restaurant and ordered salads and entrees. We talked...and talked....still no salads. Finally our entrees arrived via another waitress. We explained that we hadn't gotten our salads yet. She went back to the kitchen to sort things out. Our waitress returned with our salads, and my date said in a semi-snide tone of voice, "Oh, you can just cancel the salads and bring out our entrees. Forget the salads. We don't want our food to get cold." Keep in mind that I had just told him I used to wait tables and used to hate it when people got their noses out of joint over minor things. Not too bright, is he?

Did you notice he didn't consult me about the salads? Yeah, so did I. Mostly because I wanted to eat my salad. Oh well. We did have a movie to catch, right? Besides, I didn't have much of an appetite, what with my raging cold. So I let it go. (Yes, I know. I should have said something. I blame my nasal congestion for clouding my judgement.)

So we get our food, and we are talking...and then he interrupts me. Pretty blatantly. At this point, I'm imagining World War II kamikaze planes crashing and burning into aircraft carriers. Yeah, he's pretty much blowing it. He's definitely off the potential smooch list at this point. He is now on the Do Not Touch Me list. All before an hour has passed. This might be a new record...

Dan then told me a story about how he stopped by a friend's house once around dinnertime. Tacos were ready when he got there. He proceeded to sit down and eat his fill ASAP. His friend turns to him and says, "Uh...can you stop? There isn't anything left for my family to eat. We have to make more food, in fact. I said you could have some, not all." Then Dan laughed about how embarrassed he was. Then he proceeds to help himself to my dinner. No joke. I want to scream, "Who are you and what did you do with the nice guy I met last weekend???" He just stuck his fork into my bowl, speared a shrimp (of which I had only 5 to start!) and said, "Wow, that's good. Just one more bite...." and then had three more.

Did you notice he didn't ask? Did you notice he didn't offer me a bite of his? Yeah, so did I. He had already eaten all of his, so that wasn't really an option anyway. This date was becoming a nightmare. The thing about it is, I always offer people bites of my food--I'm very generous with it!-- and I was just about to do so when he started chowing down on my dinner. If he had waited a split second, I would not have even been upset. You'd think that my hacking cough would be a deterrent to his sharing my food.

At this point, I really just want to get things overwith. I ask how we are doing on time, since we were about to order dessert. He said we were actually about 45 minutes ahead of schedule. Super...not! So we order our dessert, which was free thanks to the salad fiasco (I was really embarrassed by the big deal he made. I wanted to apologize to the waitress, but my hands were tied). You know what's coming next, don't you? Yeah, he ate all of his dessert, and then ate the rest of my dessert. Again, without asking. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom when the check arrives. He didn't even earn my offer to pay. Why should I? He ate my food and denied me my salad.

I come out of the bathroom to find the table empty. He had already paid and so I had to go wandering around the restaurant looking for him! How about something along the lines of, "Hey, I'll meet you by the front door, ok?" or "I'll wait outside the bathroom for you." Good grief! Couldn't he have waited the sixty seconds it took me to go to the bathroom? It's not like we were late for the movie. Oh, how I wished we were.

We went to the bookstore to kill some time. So we are browsing the new fiction when he says, "Gosh, you sure do know a lot about all these authors." I wanted to shout, "I'm a librarian, you idiot!" and then call a cab and leave. Of course, I didn't. I know, I know. Just let me finish the story.

Usually when you go to bookstores, you are reading lots of book jacket summaries. Silently. Sure, you might share with your companion a really funny book or picture, but only briefly so as to have a good chuckle before going back to your reading. Disrespectful Dan, on the other hand, finds four-chapter excerpts to read to you out loud. He doesn't pick up on the fact that you are trying to read another book. And it was a stupid book--one of those writers who thinks they are hilarious, when really their story makes no sense. This got on my last frickin' nerve. I wanted to slap him. If I wanted to read that entire book as soon as possible, I would buy it. Or at least pick it up! But maybe I was overreacting to this because of everything that had led up to it. (I should add in one other tidbit of info here. I checked out another guy while we were there. This is another sign I'm not into a guy. I didn't even do it consciously, it was just one of those, "Hey....hello, cute bookstore guy! Is he here alone? Dammit, what am I doing? I'm on a date!")

So we go to the movie. As we take our seats, he drops a piece of information on my lap: King Kong is about three hours long. It's almost 9pm when he tells me this. Um, what? That means this movie gets out at midnight? Thanks for the heads up on being totally exhausted for work tomorrow! So considerate of you. The movie wasn't bad. There were some gross scenes and I don't get how a giant crazed monkey can have more humanistic tendencies than some of the human characters, but whatever. I just wanted it to end. I already knew about King Kong--I just had dinner with him. I have a decent attention span, but even I was dying. Eventually, it did finally end and he drove me home. We sat in his truck for a few minutes talking, and he asked me if I'd like to go see a hockey game this weekend. I said sure. (See, the thing is, I wasn't as irritated with him as I am now that it has all sunk in. I know, I know. I'm an idiot. Feel free to berate me in the comments.)

But don't give up hope on me yet!!!! Because by the time I went inside my house, it had all become clear: I have no intention of ever seeing this jerkoff again. This is why: He couldn't even be bothered to walk me to the door. I told him I had to go to bed...I had a nice time...and he just sat there. Ok....I'll just walk myself to the door. I'm just some freight that he has to leave curbside, apparently. So I had to trudge through my front yard in the freezing rain alone, getting my new leather jacket wet. Gosh, how charming. I should have said, "No, no! You stay inside your nice, warm, cozy little truck, Precious! We can't have you all wet now, can we?" Sheesh! Even my guy friends walk me to the door. What an asshole. Doesn't he realize that all smooches take place on my doorstep? Maybe he had already figured out that he had a better chance of getting kneed in the nards!

I hope he catches my cold from eating my leftovers for lunch today!

The Match, part 1

I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick me. -- Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

To which Miranda replies, "So, what, you're like a flystrip for dysfunctional men?" To which I say, "Yes! This is so true! And Match only confirms this statement!" I thought the bars were bad with their slightly-too-old-for-me drunk redneck guys, but the urban adventure which is Match.com really brought the freaks out of the woodwork.

I have been reading some other blogs [see sidebar] and the topic of online dating comes up on occasion. I would like to contribute to the discussion. But first, some of my personal experiences...

• Foot Fetish Guy-- a self-described "foot fetisher" and lover of "pale-skinned women", his picture was taken in approximately 1986 since the photo appears to be his entry into the New Kids on the Block try-outs. Denim shirt (opened to expose 'physique'), slight mullet, one foot propped up on something, cheesy grin...he looked like Rambo's gay brother. His email to me talked about rubbing my long, pale feet no less than three times. Did I mention he lives three states away? (Thank God!)
• Various old guys-- Ranging in ages, one as old as--get this--71. What 71 year old is even computer literate, let alone horny? These perverts get the standard "dirty old man reply" : Maybe you should try emailing my mother since she is closer in age to you, sicko! (and is it just me, or is a perverted screen name a dead giveaway that it's an old guy? do they think chicks dig horny old men?)
  
• Not Really Ready Yet Guy-- His entire profile was one long rant about his bitterness towards women, his ex and Match. It was hilarious, but that doesn't mean I want to get with someone with so much anger.
• Lecture Invite Guy -- truly a mystery. His emails were never real actual emails, but invites to various lectures around town. They read like mass-invites because he never even mentioned me or asked me any questions. I think he just wanted young women to go to these lectures so that he would have some eye candy or something. Some of them I actually would have gone to, since I'm a geek like that, but I feared meeting this 55 year-old face-to-face. I blocked him and notified Match.
• Kind-of-Sad Guy -- If he weren't so strange, I would feel bad about mentioning this guy. He is deaf, which is sad, but he cannot spell or communicate using common English grammar for s--t. It is to the point that his profile is basically unintelligible. Seriously, either get a proof-reader or resign yourself to only dating girls who can't read. But the wierd thing is, homeboy has about 45 pictures on his profile. No joke. Now, everyone who has a big hobby is cool in my book. And just about every contact is flattering. Even if they are...wierd. Each one of his pictures were of him doing tae kwon do. Ok, that's cool. But towards the end, they showed him doing tae kwon do while wearing various costumes...like Star Trek, ninja, etc. The weirdest one was him sitting on a horse wearing a full armor suit. Like as in, Sir Galahad or something. Methinks the lad doth take one too many wollups in ye head...
  
• The Why-Do-You-Think-This-Could-Happen People-- one lived in England, one lived in Korea, one was still married, one was a woman (who was "finally ready to explore"), one lived in Florida but was in my town one day per month, one was 18, one was obviously not out of the closet yet, one still lived with his mother and one was unemployed. (I'm sorry, but I don't think it's too much to ask that they be gainfully employed! But I guess he's honest, right?)

Although, nothing comes close to the number of people to whom I just want to reply, "RTFP!" ("read the friggin' profile!") What part of I'm looking for a man between the ages of 26-36 who lives within 50 miles of Columbia, SC who has a job and a college degree is vague or up for debate? I mean, do I really have to add: Yes, I really do mean men only. No, I do not like it when someone gets his jollies while rubbing my left foot. Yes, I do mean full-time employment. And your little quickie-mart night shift doesn't count. If you are living with mom, call me when you move out. If you are still married, what are you doing reading this right now? No, 26-36 does not mean "26-You're Only as Old as You Feel" or "26-I Know You Said 36, But I make a lot of money and want to spend it all on you."

The only logical explanations are that they simply don't read my profile or think they can change my mind. Both explanations are insulting. So I don't respond, and then they send me one of those "Gosh! The least you can do is reply and tell me you aren't interested!" emails. To which I want to reply, "Gosh, the least you can do is RTFP! It's there for a reason, f--ktard!" And then all the great, cute, smart and funny guys think women have attitudes. Can you blame us????

Right now you are saying, "Oh, they can't all be that bad!" Oh, yes they can. Here are my dates so far:

Date #1-- Nice guy, but his photo showed him having a full head of hair. (Some girls are ok w/baldness, I'm not one of them. I don't care if they get that way one day down the road, but I don't start w/bald. There are a few exceptions. I said few.)

Date #2--Another nice guy, and I really would have liked it to work out, but he was a horrible kisser. And clingy. Both are instant deal-breakers for me as I see these as "unfixables". Not to mention awkward topics to bring up. Next!

Date #3--No. Spark. Bor....ing.

Date #4 and #5--Dr. Seuss and Small World Guy (See previous post)

Upcoming--Danger Dan and Cute T. (I hope, I hope, I hope he is one of those cute, smart, funny guys....!)

Can anyone tell me the average number of dates you have to go on before actually meeting your match? Because right now, the thought of going on another blind date makes me want to vomit. Match should keep track of statistics like this and give me little pep talk emails like, "Hang in there! Only 3 more awful dates until statistics show you will meet your next boyfriend!"

Until then, I will be checking my winks...

The Bad Girl Weekend

You're trying my shoes on for a change.
They look so good but fit so strange.

--No Doubt, "Sunday Morning"

This is a tale of role reversal. Normally, I can say I behave in a manner which befits a lady. This weekend was not that time. I ate too much, I smoked too much. I had questionable morals. And it was everything I hoped it could be. Yes, dear readers, it was Bad Girl Weekend. I have decided to allow myself to have such a weekend every so often. Repression is never a good thing.

I picked an action-packed weekend to get re-acquainted with my inner college student: three dates, some football watching and plans for going out with friends to our favorite hangouts. Just in time, all my nails broke and my face broke out like a 12 year-old. Perrrrrfect.

Let me begin with Friday...

Second date with a really funny and talkative guy. His name rhymes, so I'll call him Dr. Seuss. Little did he know he was really taking out Bad Girl. (insert sinister laugh and vigorous rubbing of hands here). He took me to The Rhino Room, which is a pretty swanky bar. Not your typical go-there-every-weekend bar. We had a drink and then headed over to Hennessey's for dinner. It was also a nice place. Great food. I had plenty of time to eat it because Dr. Seuss completely dominated the conversation. It is impossible to get a word in edgewise. Now, I believe you can learn more with your mouth shut, but come on. This guy just likes to hear himself talk. Conversations are supposed to involve two people. This was like having dinner with a verbal fire hose. Suddenly, a crazy thought crossed my mind: Oh my gosh. This is how men must feel when women won't shut up.

Oh, this was only the beginnings of the role reversal. After dinner, we were both tired and decided to make it a Blockbuster night. We both like horror movies. The irony of it strikes me only now, but we rented The Grudge. Later on, I would form one. Against him. But I digress. We went back to his apt where I got to see his decorating style up close and personal. It was very in-your-face and hard to take in all at once, sort of like him. There were lots of big, hard, sharp and breakable objects. No softness, really. It was all very nice-looking, but uninviting and lots of things seemed to be placed at wrong angles and awkward positions. I noticed a large (I'm talking 15 lb. jar) of creatine on top of his fridge, expensive skincare in his bathroom and a Kama Sutra book on his bedside table. At this point I'm thinking This must be how guys feel when they see pink lightbulbs and leopard print everything in a girl's apartment. What kind of message are they trying to send? This feeling overshadowed the remainder of the evening. I may form a new theory about male interior decorating. But that is for a different post. So I attempt to get comfortable on his bright red brick of a couch. Some snuggling. Decent movie. The end credits roll...and I began Bad Girl Weekend. (I'm not going to kiss and tell, so give up that pipe dream right now!) I will say it was PG...ish. ;) At that time, something about him was still bugging me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I just wanted to get out of there. After making out with him, of course.
As we were leaving, I noticed a book, The Truth About the Irish. I told him I almost bought that book the other day (It turns out we are both of Irish descent). He let me borrow it. Again, the irony was apparent only later.

He dropped me off. On his way home, he lost his mind.

Meanwhile, I got a last-minute call from a friend's brother (we'll call him Kermit). His date to the football game (South Carolina vs. Florida) had to cancel, so he was calling to see if I was free. Actually, he was on his way to my house. ETA: 10 minutes. Well...what could I say? I hopped in the shower. Then we went to the game. This was the first time I had really hung out w/Kermit one-on-one. It was also my first USC game. We had a blast! He is very funny and made me feel really welcome and comfortable. He was not at all a jerk like I had originally thought. I told him that and then immediately regretted it, because he ribbed me about it the rest of the day. I replied by informing him that this was not a date.

We partied at a Cockaboose with some of Kermit's coworkers. Although technically I was his date by default, we are just friends. He even went so far as to tell people he felt "no chemistry" when we met. Gee, thanks. But I guess we are even now for my jerk comment of earlier. Aside from fielding "So, how long have you two been dating?" questions, we had a blast! I met a whole new crew: Funny Party Guy, FPG's girlfriend, Blonde #1, Blonde #2, and my friend's ex (MFX), who is dating Blonde #2. I was not expecting to run into MFX, but that's how this town is--after three years, you pretty much know someone everywhere you go. I proceeded to begin smoking and eating junk food upon arrival. Ah, Bad Girl Weekend. Then it was time for the game, so Kermit and I went up to our seats. That's when things got awkward for him. Because we were sitting directly behind his ex. And her husband. (I'm telling you, this town is small!) I told him later I would have played along if he had introduced me as his girlfriend. But we still had a good time. Kermit is one of those guys who doesn't mind answering all the dumb girl questions about sports, and I appreciate that. But I can follow football decently enough. And this was a great game. It's a good time to be a Gamecock fan.

After the game, we went back to the Cockaboose. Everyone congregated there to decide the next step in the victory partying. It was not looking like the group would be heading to the part of town (the Vista) where my friends, The Nurses, were going to be. So I was in the middle of deciding what to do and who to call back when Dr. (now Crazy) Seuss called. I told him it was kind of a bad time, and could I call him back tomorrow? He got off in a huff. This must be how guys feel when girlfriends get mad at them for going out with the guys. But I didn't really have time to think about it much, though, because we were leaving to go to Cock's Corner (really just a parking lot with a band) and I didn't want to leave the Nurses hanging. So I was telling Kermit about all this, and he said he would talk to the Nurses and tell them he had kidnapped me. Or at least that is what he told me he said. Off we went. We went to Rockaway's for a while--again, my first time going there. Another cool place. Known for great burgers.

The Football Crew is awesomely fun. It was one of those great nights where everyone is having a great time and laughing so hard you feel you might get a hernia if they don't stop saying hilarious things. We all said we have to do it again this weekend. I can't wait. So this is why guys go to games all the time. Although this week, there is no way I will get tix because it is USC vs. Clemson. That's ok, the Cockaboose has closed-circuit TV. Yesss!

I was really tired, and Kermit had to drive back to Greenville, so I was home around 10pm. I had just washed my face and put on my pjs. I was getting ready to do one of my favorite things ever: fall asleep in front of the tv. That is, until Dr.Crazy Seuss called. This must be how guys feel when their girlfriends are really clingy and call them when they are exhausted. He told me how "my" man had won an arm-wrestling contest that evening and how he wanted to come by and "give me a goodnight kiss". The following thoughts instantly hit my brain:

1. Why did I answer my phone?
2. You are not my man. We have been on two dates.
3. You really did lose your mind on the way home, didn't you?
   
4. I have no makeup on. (I try to keep up the I-really-look-like-this illusion for as long as possible with new datees.)
5. That is evidence of clinginess, which is a big turn-off.
6. No.
   
7. No.
8. No.

He was really dead set on this, and the more dead set he got, the more annoyed I became. Then, his true colors (funny, they look just like red flags!) began to show...

Dr. Seuss: I'm feeling blown off.
Me: I'm not blowing you off. I'm tired, I smell like bar and I'm really about to go to bed.
Dr. Seuss: I just want a kiss.
Me: I just spent all of last night with you. That was your time. I set the whole evening aside for you.
Dr. Seuss: I'm getting the feeling you are dating other people.
Me: That's true. I am talking to some other people.
Dr. Seuss: Well, I don't compete for women. And I don't like feeling like I'm an appointment you have penciled in on your calendar.
Me: Well, that's too bad. I'm a busy girl. I thought we had a pretty good time, but if that's how it is...
Dr. Seuss: Yeah, that's how I work. If I'm going to be with someone, I expect them to be with only me. That's how you focus on the relationship and get to know someone.
Me: Yes, eventually. Not after two dates. This must be how guys feel when women give them ultimatums.

And the conversation was all downhill from there. He hung up on me. Oh no you di-dant! I called him back and said I did nothing to deserve that. He denied having hung up on me! I didn't buy it for a second. Ah, so this is how it feels when women play "No, nothing's wrong!" I said if he was as interested in me as it seemed, he never would have hung up on me and he certainly wouldn't have pressured me into doing something I was not ready for. He backpeddled. His possessiveness and need for total control became really evident. That's what was bugging me! He always had to be in control and force himself upon me whether I liked it or not. That's why he was always Mr. TMI, that's why his furniture was so loud...it all made sense. He suffers from personality rape syndrome. And the ultimatum he gave me did not win him any points. All it did was irritate me. Two dates? You want me to put all my eggs in one basket after two mediocre dates where you talked my friggin ear off? Puh-leez. Relationships should not be that difficult to get off the ground.

He has called me twice today. I did not answer my phone, but I listened to my voice mail. I was under the impression that we were over, but according to his message, that entire conversation never took place. How's that backpeddling for you? I'm keeping his book. Boy did I learn the truth about the Irish!

Prediction: He will randomly call me three weeks from now using the book as an excuse to get his foot in the door with me.

The next day, I did not go to church. Bad Girl doesn't do church. She doesn't go to the gym either. She eats donuts for breakfast and sits in her pjs until 2pm. Then it is time for the third date with Small World Guy. He is called SWG because he and I have lived in all the same towns, went to the same school, know some of the same people and go to the same gym. (Hearing that Twilight Zone theme song yet?) Somehow, we had never met. SWG and I went to Liberty's, one of my favorite hangouts--great food. SWG is an attractive, nice guy and needless to say, we had a lot to talk about. Well, he did. I basically interviewed him. I know about his family, his dad's love of history, some crazy partying he has done, what life was like in each town... I stopped listening after about 10 minutes. I am chalking it up to nerves. He is a nice guy, so he will get a second chance. But I was not feeling much of a spark on either side of the table. Hopefully, because he is cute, next time there will be some flirting and question asking from his side of the booth. Or else this isn't going to work either.

Prediction: his flirtier, question-asking side will remain MIA and he will become a friend who will watch IU basketball games with me. And will hopefully introduce me to his cute friends.

Of course, I was not done being bad just because it was Sunday afternoon. Of course, I had to stick it to someone about the Florida loss to USC. I only knew one Florida fan. The Big Ex. Carrie had her Big, I have my Big Ex. What better way to be bad than to call an ex? It's so unhealthy and self-indulgent. (Those are Bad Girl's favorite words). We talked a couple months ago, but it did not go that well. He said I had called at a bad time. This time, it was a great conversation. It was great because of what was left unsaid. The things we would say to each other if we didn't care about getting hurt. The implied compliments. The vaguely supportive comments. The off-handed way we asked about each other. The seemingly laid-back tone of voice. And the telling silences. It was a great conversation. We might see each other next month at a mutual friend's house.

After that, I went to dinner with the Nurses. It was great to catch up with them and share all of our busy weekend adventures with one another. Blonde Nurse told me about the new guy she's talking to and the one she has on the side. She played it off like they were just friends, but we called her out! Brunette Nurse whipped out not one but two packs of cigarettes out of her purse after dinner! Brunette does not smoke. I did a double take. It turns out I was eating dinner with Bad Girls!