Now Accepting Applications

WANTED: 100% single women, between 25-35 years of age, who live in Savannah, GA and are interested in participating in PG-13 level shenanigans with woman of similar mindset. Shenanigans may include, but are not limited to: laughing, dancing, happy hours, flirting with cute boys, making out with cute boys, shopping, brunch/coffee dates, talking on the phone, watching reruns of Sex and the City, getting pedicures. Hipsters and goody-two shoes need not apply. Preference given to former sorority girls who have experience in the aforementioned shenanigans.

Here it is, another Saturday night, and I am alone. Is it just me, or is making friends way more difficult after college? I think I have blogged about this before...I'll try and keep this brief.

St. Patty's Day is in full swing, and the city is crawling with fun, young people, and I am dying to be one of them. I want to laugh and flirt and dance...but instead, my only choices are to watch tv with my dog or be the weird girl who is out at a bar by herself. Stone cold sober, I might add, which makes fitting into the debauchery that much more difficult. (If anyone has mastered the art of going out alone, please teach me your ways!)

I believe there are 2 main contributing factors to my problem.

1. I keep moving around too much. It takes time to make good friends, and my favorite party buds are all in Columbia, SC right now. (They couldn't make it down here for St. Patty's Day)

2. I have not been making as much of an effort to make friends here in Savannah as I probably should. Don't get me wrong -- I love my coworkers and I love my Bible Study friends. But neither group is into doing what I'm into doing at the moment. I am not a hipster (like all my coworkers) and I definitely do not want a family-friendly, G-rated evening (like my Bible Study friends). I am envisioning a slightly tamer version of the frat parties I attended while in college. Where do sorority girls go when they grow up??? Oh yeah, they get married. Right. I sorta skipped that part. Note to self: get married so you don't care about frat parties any more.

I cannot be the last single, 30 year old (ok, ok, 32 year old) non-hipster in this town (seriously, y'all, Savannah is Hipster Central) who wants to snog with cute boys in dark corners and dance to hip hop songs with her girlfriends.

I'm too fratty for the hipsters and too bad girl for the BS crowd. Sometimes I feel like I live a double life. I can't really be myself around any of my friends.

*sigh*

I know there are girls out there like me. I just can't find them! Argh. So frustrating. To make matters worse, my own mother has a booming social life -- AND a boyfriend. Something about that doesn't seem quite right. She's always been super duper social butterfly, and I have always considered myself one to a lesser extent. Put me in a room full of talking people and I can hold my own -- even inter-generationally. For me, the hard part is finding the room. I know what to do when I get there!

Guys have it so much easier when it comes to this problem. "So, how do you like them Yankees?" is all they seem to need to become instant buds with someone. Girls aren't as open. I wish we would stop acting like that. Would it kill women to be a little bit friendlier? In this day and age, we need girlfriends more than ever. Why not invite the girl who complimented your shoes to sit with your friends at the bar? Why not introduce your group to the group next to you? Isn't it a "the more, the merrier" situation? What's with all the snarkiness and competition? That's got to be my least favorite thing about my gender. Why can't we just be cool and friendly? I should wear a shirt that says, "Trust me, I don't want your man. I just want to have brunch with you so we can recount the previous night's girly debauchery."

I'm kind of worried that I may have a touch of my dad's personality when it comes to friends. We used to tease him, because if you were to stick all of his friends into a room, it would be a random assortment of people -- very few of them would have anything in common. Luckily for him, he was much more comfortable being a loner than I am. Plus, it's hard to feel lonely when you have a wife and 7 kids. My dad would have a deep connection with each one of his friends, but only in one way. That's kind of how I am -- I have one friend for X, another friend for Y, a third friend for Z. I wish I could find a friend that covers the whole alphabet! Where are the Samantha, Charlotte and Mirandas to my Carrie? (Not that I'm a Carrie...I'm probably closer to Charlotte, actually.) My mom's friends are all whole-alphabet friends and they've known each other for like, 40 years-- ever since high school/college. This is incredible to me. I don't even talk to my college friends anymore, let alone high school. Then again, they are all in Chicago and married with babies, so really, what do we have in common? I feel I'm a completely different person now than I was then.

Anyway, no point in moping around about this. I need a plan of action. Time to join some clubs or start new activities. Or at least go to restaurants/bars I don't normally go to. And I have to force myself to talk to people with out fear -- otherwise, I will go into shy, silent mode. No one wants to hang out with Silent Girl. (This is one of the reasons why I always feel so comfortable around funny people -- they totally break the ice for me.)

Oh well. At least I won't get barfed on or have to deal with annoying drunk people tonight. And I won't wake up smelling like cigarettes. That makes me feel better.

Man, what I wouldn't give for one last frat party right now....and a wholly single (no hubby, no fiance, not even a boyfriend) non-hipster, non-Bible Study gal pal to go with!

Until then, I'll be singing along to this...which makes me giggle, so that helps!


Thanks for listening to my whining, as usual. I'll try not to be Pity Party Girl next time.

Bringing Sexy Back

Happy New Year!!!! I am so glad it's 2011. I don't know if it's because of my determination to get back to the old me or if it's because of my fabulous New Year's weekend, but I am so happy and optimistic about everything right now. I know this will be a great year. I can just feel it!!! Warm fuzzies, everyone. I am Suzie Effing Sunshine right now!!!!!!

Sorry, I will take it down a notch.

But I have super awesome news!!!! And I need your help.

You see, there is (drumroll, please) Boy News. And true to form, I either messed up or I just completely do not understand the opposite sex. Still. * sigh * I know. But where would this blog be, if it weren't for my dating/hook-up antics?

New Year's Eve was just going to be another VB-sits-on-her-couch type of weekend, until I began to miss MJ and remembered that Mr. Bill was having a party. And what is New Year's for if not hanging out with old friends? So I told them I would come up. MJ informs me that Rocky (a member of The Rat Pack, if you remember those posts -- if you don't know what I am talking about, you should search for these posts in my archives) was coming to SC for New Year's Eve.

And he was bringing a buddy of his.

"Anyone I know?" I asked, ever-so-innocently.

"Nope, this one's a new one," she said.

Hmmm. He will probably be cute. Or at least fun. Definitely worthy of leg-shaving, I thought, as I packed a "boobie shirt" to wear when we went out for New Year's. [Side note: does anyone else call them "boobie shirts"? Or is it just me?]

Rocky's friends are always cute and fun. I was starting to get a little excited about this. So I went to bed kind of excited for my short drive the next day.

I arrived in Columbia just in time for a late lunch with MJ, Rocky and his friend, who I will dub NYE Guy. NYE Guy was cute, and extremely funny, as I soon found out. Later, I would discover that he is also kind of geeky (he likes to go to museums!) -- <3 Swoon <3

I started to get that feeling that it was going to be a great weekend. WOOT!

After eating, we went back to MJ's house and hung out for a bit before getting ready for Mr. Bill's party. I put on my boobie shirt and slapped on some extra eyeliner and heels. What? What was that? I felt kinda....hot. What a great feeling. It had been so long since I've felt that way. This feeling could best be described as the boring, depressed iceberg version of VB melting back into happy and exciting VB.

I was bringing sexy back.

So we head to Mr. Bill's. It was really great to see him, as well as a couple other people I knew. My only regret is that I didn't get a chance to talk to Mr. Bill as much as I wanted. So Mr. Bill, if you're reading this -- hi!!!! I spent most of my time at the party laughing with MJ, Rocky and NYE Guy, as well as a girl I will call "Other MJ" and her hilarious best friend who I will call Vietnam. We were our usual perverted selves, and there was a joke about empty beer bottles which even I cannot repeat. Hilarity and antics ensued, in other words.

Soon, it was almost time for the ball to drop. Rocky began asking everyone who they are kissing at midnight. I was sitting next to NYE Guy and when Rocky asked him, he turns to me and informs me that he wanted to kiss me. I giggled like a 12 year old. And so he did. And it was great.

Not long after, we all took the party to Art Bar, a fun bar in downtown Columbia. There was a masquerade theme happening there, so we had fun with all the masks laying around. NYE Guy and I kept sneaking away to dark corners to make out. Yay! So far, 2011 was rocking.

Fast forward to 4am, when I am still awake (!) and still in a good mood (!). But all good things must come to an end, and it was time to go home. So I drove MJ, Rocky, NYE Guy and Vietnam back to MJ's house. Shortly after that, NYE Guy and I are continuing our make-out session, and it was so much fun! He is so fun....sorry, I can't go into details.....no way to explain without being overly descriptive....ah, memories....where was I? Oh yes, so we didn't do anything R-rated or anything, but that was mostly due to the fact that it was 5am and we were exhausted! After messing around for a bit, he realized that we could just continue this the next night -- hooray for 3 day weekends!!! So we fell asleep....

...and picked up right where we left off in the morning when we woke up!

...but still did not *ahem* complete the transaction, if you get my drift. No worries. There was still another night to go! Yes. Best weekend ever.

He and I got up (at 1pm)and joined the others for food and then all 4 of us went to a museum. After that, we ate and then went back to MJ's to watch some movies. Soon, it was time for bed (YAY!) because the guys had to drive back to NYC the next day. I don't think I have ever been so excited to put on my jammies ever in my whole life. Especially with the hope that they would soon be removed by this yummy beefcake funny guy. So I get into bed while he's brushing his teeth. He climbs in and....

wants to spoon.

W.

T.

F.

Ok, fine, I can meet him halfway, I thought. I nestled in closer to him. Nothing. I made a little moan. Nada. Time for something a little more obvious, I thought. I grabbed his hand and put it on my boob. "Awesome," he said.

And then he promptly fell asleep.

Ok, yes, I know he was probably tired, but so was I. And since when do guys pick sleep over sex? This was so lame. When he started snoring in my ear, I gave up and fell asleep.

The guys left very early the next morning, so I went back to bed after saying goodbye in my sleepy haze. No smooching, even. This is so lame, I thought as I fell asleep.

When I got up, MJ and I decided to get breakfast and get a pedicure to debrief on the night. When I told her about my end of things, she tried her best to help me figure out a reason for my rejection, but we are both at a loss as to why he just wanted to spoon the 2nd night.

By the end of the day, he had friended me on facebook. 3 days later, I messaged him to thank him for posting all the great photos he took from that night. He replied right away and told me that he doesn't like messaging on FB and that I should text him. Cool! I thought. Maybe there is more?

I didn't have time to text him then, so I texted him the next night. I wish I could say that we had a super hawt flirty conversation, but no. We ended up talking about the weather. Why would you ask a girl to text you, only to talk about the weather??? Plus, it was one of those conversations where I felt like I was interviewing him. Hello! Conversations require questions from both parties! It's called "getting to know someone". So I took this to mean that he didn't want to get to know me. He's just not that into me. I get it. Fine. Closure. Done.

But then he texted me last night! To talk about beer! Who is this guy??? Argh!

Please feel free to weigh in with your opinions, because I am thinking of re-naming this guy Mr. Mixed Signals. I invited him and Rocky down here for St. Patty's Day. I guess we will see if they come down. Do you think he likes me but he's just bad at flirting? Should I be more obvious w/flirty texts??? Who am I kidding. This is classic Just Not That Into Me.

It's good that I am blogging right now, because it is preventing me from messaging him on FB. Must. Fight. Temptation. MJ thinks I am reacting like this because I haven't met anyone in a long time and I'm just overreacting. I don't know. All I know is that I was not done making out with him!!!! And he makes me laugh. A lot. *sigh*

Alright, here's the part that is (almost as) cool. Ever since our little make-out sesh, I have felt like sex on a stick. I think I just needed some validation or to break the ice or something. I feel like I have come back to life! I am happy, I feel like a hot babe, I suddenly have all this confidence. It's wonderful! I should be slutty more often. ;)

Which brings me to my New Year's Resolution:
The be sexier.....and slightly sluttier.

This is the BEST resolution ever. Because it's a way more fun way to diet and exercise. I have managed to fool my brain into thinking this is fun. I am fully embracing the Hot Girl Lifestyle. And it's so much fun! I went for a run yesterday -- over a mile! And it was great! My whole goal is to never be home -- Hot Girls are out busy doing stuff and meeting people. Oh crap. Hot Girls also go to bed by this time of night....unless they are making out. I should go, y'all.

2011 is gonna be a great year. I can feel it.

Classic VB Moment

Last Friday, things were pretty slow at work. A coworker and I were just messing around on the internet, and ended up looking at a photo of a topless woman. (No, I am not telling you what we were looking at, but it was NOT porn. I know you don't believe me, but oh well.)

My coworker pointed at the photo and said, "Look at that. Do you think they airbrushed her nipples out?"

Without skipping a beat, I replied, "Oh no. My nipples look just like that in photos."

*I realize what I just said, only too late.*

*awkward silence*

And then we both burst out laughing.

Overexposed

Time: Yesterday afternoon

Place: Victoria's Secret

Yours truly was taking advantage of their fall sale.

After rummaging around in their totally unorganized bins (SO irritating to look through! What happened to the tables organized by size???), I had an armful of bras to try on. I headed to the dressing room.

Bra after bra was disqualified: too big, too small, too complicated, made my boobs look funny, not supportive enough...etc.

But the last bra....well, that was a different story. It was supportive, easy to put on, relatively comfortable, fit well......and it was dead sexy. A black lace bra, hot enough to put the rest of my bras to shame.

"Hmmm...." I thought, with a sly little smile on my lips. "I know someone who might like to see this...."

And I whipped out my cell phone. I was going to take a little preview pic and send it to CN via the wonders of modern technology.

"Click!" said the camera.

"*Giggle*" said I.

"Send!" said the button.

"Message sent!" said the phone.

I got dressed again and went out to get in line to pay. As I was leaving the store, I realized it had been a few minutes, and I hadn't heard from CN. Not to flatter myself, but I was expecting SOME kind of a reaction.

"Hmmm...maybe his phone isn't equipped to receive pictures, because he must have gotten it..." I thought. "Right???"

Oh.

God.

I quickly fumbled around in my purse, frantically searching for my phone. I grabbed it, opened it up and began looking at my text message history.

"Oh-my-gawd-if-I-sent-that-to-the-wrong-person-I-will-die!!!!" I thought.

WHEW. I sent it to CN and only CN.

So why hadn't he replied or reacted in any way??? I mean, I'm not taking jetty shots in the dressing room for my health! Argh.

I got home and began baking some pumpkin bread for CN's dad (he's sick, remember). I glanced out my kitchen window -- CN's friend The Runner was over at his house. They were probably watching football. By the time I had the pumpkin bread in the oven, The Runner had left.

My phone beeped -- I had a new text message from CN.

"Well, it's about time," I thought.

I opened the message:

"The Runner liked your boobs."

!!!!!

I figured he was kidding, so I told him he was in big trouble for showing the pic to The Runner. A little later, CN came over to get the pumpkin bread, and he filled me in on what had happened.

"Yeah, um, The Runner was helping me get my tv cables all figured out, because we were playing video games, and he was actually sitting RIGHT next to me when you sent that pic to my phone. I took my phone out of my pocket when you sent the pic. So um....he saw it. Kinda...." CN trailed off.

*shock and disbelief on my part*

"WHAT????!!!" I shouted.

"Oh, and I know he saw it, because he took one look at it and asked me: 'Um, do you need me to leave so you can take care of that?' " CN continued.

Oh.

My.

Gawd.

I turned beet red. I will never be able to look The Runner in the eye again. I began wailing at my own bad judgement. Stupid, stupid, stupid VB. Dumb idea. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!!

"It's ok! Don't be embarrassed! It's not a big deal! Just give me a heads up next time, ok?" CN said, trying to make me feel better. "But hey, would you care if I set my phone so that's the photo that comes up on my phone every time you call me?"

Oh for Pete's sake.....

Part 6: Vermont

This is the next installment of my trip with MJ & KT to NYC and Vermont. The last episode can be read here.

We had spent the vast majority of the day traveling by subway, train and car. The drive was beautiful, and we saw lots of little, stereotypical New England towns (which was a first for me, as I'd never been north of Pennsylvania at this point). It was very rural, with large white churches, red barns, little dairy farms, Victorian homes--it's a very delightful part of the country. It all looked like something from a postcard. I can only imagine how charming it must be when everything's covered in snow.

We were exhausted by the time we got to Lake Dunmore, Vermont. It is in (near?) Salisbury, VT. I think it's only about an hour from the Canadian border. We were way up there! But the weather was fantastic -- about 75-80 degrees, mostly sunny.

So we were finally in Vermont. It seemed to take forever, but once we were there, it was heavenly. It reminded me a lot of The Czarina's house: quiet, relaxing, lakeside and in the middle of nowhere. You step out of the car and just.....*sigh*. It is that relaxing. Let me share some pics:








Gorgeous, huh? These are all shots taken from the large, lush yard at the house. I can't remember the last time I was on a lawn that was perfect for walking around barefoot. Unlike here in the South, where our yards are baked to death by the hot sun and full of rocks and twigs, Vermont has nothing but dark, rich, soft earth and all the cool, summer rain makes walking around barefoot perrrrrrrrfect.Here's another shot of the house where we stayed, so you can see the wonderful lawn:

By the time we arrived, it was after dinnertime, and we were exhausted and hungry. MJ, KT, Rocky and I threw our suitcases upstairs in the big dormitory bedroom (there were about 4 beds in one room), and went downstairs to forage for food. The rest of the Rat Pack made us dinner: hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. At first, this seemed delicious, but after eating that for lunch and dinner for three days, I hope I never have to eat a hamburger again as long as I live!

The weekend was spent eating junk food, drinking terrifying amounts of alcohol (not by me, obviously), fishing, napping, swimming, playing wiffle ball, making smores by the campfire, smoking cigarettes, stealing firewood from a neighbor, sunbathing, laughing, going out for breakfast, listening to music and playing drinking games well into the night.

There was even one night where we all went skinny dipping in the FREEZING lake. And wouldn't you know? MJ & KT, those bitches, made me go FIRST!!! :) But it was still fun. Freezing, but fun.

The Rat Pack probably didn't have as much fun as we did, though, because they had to listen to us talk about ponies, sparkles, glitter, ribbons, feeling pretty, bunnies, things that are fluffy & soft, puppies, things that are cute, lip gloss and similar affinities associated with those of the female persuasion. Keep in mind that as we went on and on and on about ponies, we are speaking in voices normally reserved for 4 year old little girls and choir boys, all while laughing our asses off. We talked like this for 3 days straight, and somehow, never tired of it. I could call MJ or KT right now and say, "Ohmygod! Ponies!" and we would pick up right where we left off. The Rat Pack wailed, complained, covered their ears and yelled at us whenever we broke into our "Pony Voices."

This monster of annoyance was created by Rocky, who began teasing us for being so silly in the car on the way up to Vermont. He started using the voice when he began to get annoyed with us for needing to pee and wanting to look at the cows by the side of the road. We took the teasing and ran with it, making it about 1,000% more annoying. That's what he gets for making us pee in the woods.

So really, he brought it upon himself.

I Can't Take It Anymore!

Dear readers, I am apologizing in advance for this post. If you've ever wanted to skip one of my posts, this is the time to do so. This post is total crap. I have been bored stupid all day, I got no sleep last night and I have been reading blogs almost the whole day (not that your blog is boring!), and my brain is FULL of thoughts, post ideas and expansions on comments I've been sprinkling all over the blogosphere. It's causing me to have yet another Conversation with My Brain.

"Ooh! That post you just read brings up that time from your childhood when The Czarina..." says ADD. [She sounds a little like the Band Camp Girl from American Pie. Can you tell?]

"Yes, but--" interrupts The Responsible Blog Writer.

"Omigod! We should blog about this! Right now! Log in, quick!" says ADD, giddily.

"Stoppit! That's not enough for a whole post! Keep it to yourself for now. Let it marinate for a bit, and one day, you'll be able to write a whole post about it. Something timely, concise and well-constructed. Wait for it to happen naturally!" continues The Responsible Blog Writer.

[whining like a 4 year old] "But...I'll forgeeeeeeeeeeeet! We have to type it nooooooooow!" laments ADD. She stomps her feet in indignation.

"Your posts practically give people motion sickness, what with all your randomness. Can you focus the post this time? Or is it going to be another one of your 'organized' lists of total and sheer absurdity?" asks The Responsible Blog Writer, sneeringly.

"It will be good, I promise!!!!" exclaims ADD, her eyes growing large and pleading. She folds her hands together, almost as if praying.

"Ok, fine. You lucked out, because I'm exhausted today. I don't have the energy to argue with you." sighed The Responsible Blog Writer.

"Is that because you stayed up late, kissing that guy?" asks ADD.

"Yeah! And it was awesome!" blurts Horny.

"Shhhhh! Don't kiss and tell! You've got to stop doing that!" hisses Single Girl.

"But that's all the fun," says Pervert, with a confused expression on his face.

"Can I start now? Pleeeeaaaase?" begs ADD.

"Yes, please, before The Readers start asking you about this guy and more nosy questions about your underwear!" says Single Girl.

ADD's Random Thoughts of the Day

1. I need help with this, readers. I need your advice. I try and read all the blogs I can (if you have ever left a comment on my blog, you're on my list of blogs! I'm at about 100), but sometimes I am woefully behind. Sometimes, I get so behind, I'm too mortified to even come back and catch up. I don't want to be a slave to blog reading (I am a real person with a real life), but I also don't want to offend by taking more than I give. Or whatever. You know what I mean. I feel an absurd amount of guilt over this. Thoughts on this? Opinions? Tips for me? WHAT DO I DO???

2. Teahouse Blossom is engaged and is trying hard not to be a Bridezilla. [insert standing ovation here.] I have been thinking that it's weird how nowadays, people seem to put more effort and time into having the perfect wedding than they do making sure they're marrying the right spouse. Seems kind of silly, huh? I have an engaged couple in mind, actually, as I type this. They have no business getting married. It will be one of those weddings where people will secretly whisper jokes about taking bets for when the divorce will happen. (Ok, I know it's no laughing matter...) And their friends are powerless to do anything, for fear of ruining the friendship. Man, I hope I'm never a member of a couple like that.....

3. The Czarina thinks I am going to be wearing her wedding dress when (if?) I get married. Little does she know that I think her wedding photos look like a lace factory barfed all over her. Then, after the lace-barf dried and stuck to her skin, the Industrial-Strength Rubberband Ninja attacked her, clamping her at the neck and wrists, ensuring that the lace-barf will not only cover every inch of her body, but it will also cling to her all day. I can't tell her about the lace-barf, because it will break her heart. She thinks the dress is gorgeous. *gags*

4. Aside from eloping, my only solution to this problem is to try and gain lots of weight the second I'm engaged, thereby rendering the dress uselessly too small. Sweet! Except that I don't want to be Fat Bride VB. It's not like I can tape a sign on my ass as I walk down the aisle that reads: "I only gained all this weight so I wouldn't have to wear the lace-barf dress. I hope you understand. Please try and take all photos from a flattering angle. Thank you."

5. Of course, I could try and alter my grandmother's dress. It's a 1940s pale blue satin dress--MUCH more my style. The gigantic shoulder pads and long sleeves will have to go. And somehow, I will have to shrink 4 inches (The Czarina's mother was a short, bosomy German spark plug of a woman)....oh dear. Maybe I can add some sort of trim to the bottom? Or insert a panel in the waist, thereby making the skirt longer? Ugh. Why in Holy Hell am I even talking about this??

6. I have recently learned about Couch Surfing. If this doesn't show the kindness of strangers, I don't know what does. It's incredible to me, sometimes, how much we CAN still trust strangers.

7. What is my favorite thing about blogging? Reading other people's blogs. It is the box 'o chocolates of the Internet. You never know what people will write about! Today I read posts on dogfighting, snot, burying ashes of loved ones and arguments with neighbors. I even got a potato soup recipe. I love it! We are all out there, interpreting our worlds, sharing our experiences and exposing our humanity for all to see. *sigh*

[Apparently, Cynical has the day off. In her place is Idealistic, a part-time Voice who fills in from time to time. She keeps applying for a full time position, but the other Voices cannot stand her touchy-feeliness, and unanimously veto all plans to adopt her into their collective existence.]

8. Do you believe in the Law of Threes? It's that little adage which states that good things and bad things happen in sets of three. I'm starting to think I do. Then again, I'm kind of superstitious. In the last 24 hours, look at what has happened to me: I got an unexpected check in the mail (WOOT!!!), E said she is seriously considering moving in with me and Netflix announced that it's lowering my subscription rates. Ok, I know it's kind of weak, but funny how suddenly the Universe wants to see my bank account do a little better. Unfortunately, now I'm worried that three bad things will happen to me tomorrow....

9. This past weekend, MJ and I saw a foreign film. (Why are people always so surprised to learn that I like "artsy" and "foreign" films?? Jeez, am I that vanilla? I do like culture, people!) Anyway, it was a French film called Private Fears in Public Places. After the movie, we discussed our reactions to the movie and hypothesized about its meaning and message. I think it's about the problems which can result from hiding your true self to others. But I'm sure there are many other interpretations. The acting is very good, and it's set in Paris, so if you're interested in a thought-provoking movie....

~~~~~~~
There. I feel better now. Thank you for letting me ramble and go all over the place. *breathes sigh of relief.* All that stuff was just up in my brain, accumulating. Had to get it out.

What is wrong with me today? I am a crackhead. I am so sorry. I need sleep. Also, I have medicine head, thanks to my sinus infection.

Spring Fling

Ok, so I have to tell you about my weekend. It was fantastic. And I have insomnia right now, so I might as well just type up a long-ass post. (I will explain why I have insomnia maybe another time...) This post is going to be hard to write, because I'm going to want to give out very personal and juicy details....which, I can't do. So I will just have to allude to things...

Oh, and there is a theme song for this weekend in Charleston. I don't know why (maybe MJ can enlighten me?), but we all kept singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" about 400 times at the top of our lungs. At some point, MJ and one of the guys was running down the beach, punching the air while singing it. Who knows. I wasn't there to see it. But that is the soundtrack to this weekend I'm about to tell you about.

MJ and KT are from New York, so they have a group of guy friends who live up there, either in or near NYC. One of them, a textbook "New Yawkah" (a member of the Rat Pack, who visited us last October. I will dub him Rocky) was invited to a wedding in Isle of Palms, one of the swankier parts of Charleston, SC. He took MJ as his date. They invited me and KT to go with them.

Rocky brought his friend (and coworker) The Magician with him. But more about him in a minute... ;)

So we booked an oceanfront hotel room on Isle of Palms, MJ and KT picked up the guys at the Charlotte airport, everyone came to my house to pick me up, and then we headed to Charleston on Friday afternoon. We stopped for lunch on the way and got to Charleston at about 4pm. Our room was nice, but small. And 5 people sharing one small bathroom was a big pain in the ass. But otherwise, it was great being right on the beach. MJ definitely picked a good hotel.

Friday night, MJ and Rocky went to the wedding. While they were there, KT, The Magician and I went to dinner at this WONDERFUL restaurant called Pearlz. I highly recommend it. It's in downtown Charleston. I had this peppercorn tilapia that melted in my mouth, and everyone else's food was great, too. Great service, nice ambiance. (Looking it up just now on Google, I learned it's owned by the same company that owns Liberty's, one of my favorite Columbia restaurants. Go figure.)

The Magician and I were hitting it off. I thought he was cute, right away. Definitely a spark. Actually, right when i was being introduced and shook his hand, I thought, "Ok, I think this is going to be a good weekend!"

Oh Jeez. I just realized Rocky might read MJ's blog, which means he might read this blog...oh dear. Ok, I am going to have to seriously edit this....or get reassurance from MJ that Rocky doesn't read these.

Ok, the 411 on The Magician: he's my age (28), about 6'2", lean without being very muscular. He's got light brown hair and hazel eyes. he's half Native American and half Scottish -- yeah, kind of an interesting combination, I thought. To be honest, I don't think I've ever met anyone who is more than a sprinkle Native American, so it was kind of cool. He can even say some phrases in his people's language. He is a "Wall Street Warrior"-- he works in some big fancy building, doing investment stuff all day. (To my NYC readers-- I am curious -- are there stereotypes about Wall Steeters? Please let me know. I'm sure I would be amused.) He works near where the Twin Towers were, in a building on the 43rd floor. His family is big like mine. He's very funny, smart and charming. Not really my type in some ways, but at the same time, totally my type. (I know, it makes no sense....then again, some of the best things in life make no sense.)

And remember my dry spell, people.

So i was pretty much doomed. Totally powerless, actually.

After dinner, the three of us went to some bars (Southend Brewery...shoot. I can't remember where else...there's a bar I'm forgetting...).

Anyway, The Magician has a guy pal who lives in Charleston, so he and his wife met up with us at Wet Willy's. They are the nicest couple. We were all chatting in the middle of the bar. Eventually, my feet started to hurt, so I went to go sit down in a corner. The Magician went with me.

....and that's when we started making out like teenagers in the middle of Wet Willy's. There is some debate over who kissed who first, but just for the record, it was his idea. He started it.

OMG y'all. It's a good thing I was out of town, because making out in a bar is NOT my thing at ALL. If I had been in Columbia, my face would have been beet red!!! I kept stopping him, saying, "No! I do not make out in bars! I am not that kind of girl! You have to stop!"

But I only sort of half-way meant it, because he is The Greatest Kisser in the World.

Yeah. I was totally powerless. Putty in his hands.

Oh boy.

Of course, KT, being KT, took pictures of us sucking face in a crowded bar. Awesome. I didn't realize until it was too late. If she ever puts them on the Internet, I will die. LOL

By this point, everyone was pretty much drunk (except me, obviously), so we went back to the hotel.

Meanwhile, MJ and Rocky had gotten totally shitfaced at the wedding and passed out at the hotel before they could even meet up with us. Dorks. Plus, they were each hogging a bed. This sort of messed up our plans (nudge nudge). KT hopped in with MJ. The Magician and I tried to move Rocky, but he got kind of pissed when we woke him up. So he and I decided to take a walk on the beach instead of going to sleep.

Yeah. See where this is going? No, not there. Who likes sand up their butt? Not me. Where was I? Oh yes.

Full moon, light breeze, empty beach...we ended up making out again (Seriously, who is this girl, and where is VB??? It's like the college version of myself went to Charleston this weekend.)....and we got so into making out that we ended up falling over.......and laughing our asses off......and getting sand all over us....

Ok. So then we decided it was too cold, so we went back inside. We obviously didn't want to move Rocky, so we inflated the air mattress and..........well, if this was a movie, this is where the screen would fade to black.

So, why am I referring to him as The Magician? This is why. I swear, y'all, it was like he could read my mind -- I would be thinking, "Gee, I wish he would..." and then he would do it. What guy has that ability??? He not only had the ability to read my mind, but he also has the ability to make things disappear. [Ok, that last line is not as perverted as it sounds. But I am not getting into details. I am seriously editing myself, here, people, because I am trying to keep something in my life private. You can use your imagination. We're all adults. We've all been there. If you are really that nosy or dense, just email me. Sheesh. But if it's any consolation, it's really really hard for me not to spill the juicy details. Don't you love that I have a big mouth when it comes to my personal life?]

I can't believe I did that. I haven't hooked up* in a hotel room full of sleeping people since college (but that's another story). Kind of a jerky move, I know. But they were all asleep. And trust me, if you had been in my position, you would have done the same thing. I don't think wild, attacking tigers could have stopped me.

*Remember, my definition of "hooking up" is: anything more than kissing. Which may or may not involve a run around the bases. So you will just have to wonder what I mean. Sorry.

The next morning, Rocky, MJ and KT went to breakfast at 10am. Since The Magician and I had stayed up a little later than them (AHEM), we slept in. Of course, as they were getting ready, KT spilled the beans and they all made fun of us.....oh well. We deserved it.

He and I got up about an hour later, went to lunch, had a good time. Not awkward at all. We went back to the hotel room just as I got a text message from KT: they were all at the beach.

We had the hotel room to ourselves.

Do the math.

Then he and I joined them at the beach, where we all got sunburned, drank beer and ate corn dogs and ice cream.

We went back to the room around 5ish, napped and showered, and then went out again. This time, we went to A.W. Shuck's for dinner, where we had THE WORST SERVICE I've ever had in my life. A quick run-down:

1. Our waitress was rude and told us when SHE was ready to take our order (which was about a half an hour after we got there) -- she pretty much copped an attitude with us the whole time and never removed dirty dishes unless we flagged her down.
2. Three tables (including us) asked restaurant employees to turn off the hurricane-level arctic fan, but no one EVER DID.
3. The guys ordered martinis. They came out with MAYBE 2 sips in them--a total joke. It turns out the bartender was basically giving them each one shot of vodka. And that's all. Which, if you know about martinis, isn't even how you make them. We had to talk to FOUR people (3 of whom argued with us) before getting the drinks fixed. And they still charged us for them anyway.
4. Did I mention it took us 2 and 1/2 hours to get our food? Yeah. Because the drink fiasco took up 45 minutes. This didn't bother me so much as Rocky, so I am including this in the list on his behalf.
5. They messed up splitting our bill, but it didn't really matter, because it all evened out in the end.

Our bill was about $140 and we left $4. Two of us stiffed her. We ALL left notes for her/managers on our credit card slips. NEVER EAT AT THIS PLACE! It was horrible!! The two tables on either side of us had problems, too. We all revolted.

After dinner, we put it all behind us and got drunk again, this time with MJ and Rocky with us. At one point, looking for our next bar, Rocky saw some very tall steps and did a fantastic Rocky impression (hence his name), as we watched and laughed from across the street. We had a great time, but MJ and KT were both sick by this point, so they left early. (MJ has strep throat and KT has a sinus infection/bronchitis. They were miserable for at least half the weekend. But they were troupers. I'll give them that.) I hung out with Rocky and The Magician until the bars closed, having a blast and (again) making out with The Magician while Rocky hit on Charleston girls. He ended up meeting 3 people (a guy and his girlfriend, and another girl who talked like Minnie Mouse) who were also staying at Isle of Palms. We decided to all get a cab together to save money. Ok, Rocky and the people worked it out. The Magician and I were busy sucking face again.

Because it was the Bridge Run weekend, we could NOT find a cab to save our lives. After 45 minutes, we flagged down one. And by "flagged down", I mean that 7 of us surrounded the cab and squished into it before the cabbie could protest. Then we demanded that the cabbie take us to our hotels. He didn't want to do it because he wasn't supposed to have 7 people in his cab. He could get a fine and there were a lot of cops out. Also, he had "just gotten out of jail", which I didn't buy.

We refused to budge, out of sheer desperation. The guy who was with us was SHITFACED, and so he just started handing the cabbie money. "There, that should get us at least across the bridge," he slurred as he handed the cabbie $100.

We were in a cab with Mr. Moneybags! Sweet!

The cabbie told us to be quiet as he accepted the cash. Of course, at 2am, 7 drunk people cannot be quiet, so they all proceeded to talk loudly and at the same time, which made me giggle. It was a very entertaining cab ride.

Yeah, so we got a free cab ride from downtown to Isle of Palms, which is about a 30 minute ride. All we had to do was tip the cabbie. Suh-weet!

Everyone went to sleep. The Magician and I stayed up (Ok, seriously, are you even surprised at this point?). Unfortunately, we were pretty tired at this point, so we kept falling asleep mid-smooch and finally gave up after a while.

The next morning, MJ felt like crap, so she left to go to the doctor's right away. The rest of us took our time going back to Columbia, stopping for breakfast at IHOP. I continued to tease The Magician by asking him annoying questions about his heritage: Did he live in a teepee on top of a skyscraper? Does he do the rain dance to make the stocks go up? etc. On the way home, the guys answered my 632 questions about NYC. They want us to come visit them and told me I would love it. (My conclusion after hearing what they told me? I am terrified of NYC!! The people up north are very blunt and I know someone would make me cry by the end of the first day!)

Since their flight didn't leave Charlotte until 8pm, we hung out at MJ and KT's house for a while. We went to lunch and shopped. But then, I had to go run some errands, so I didn't go with them to the airport. We hugged good bye, and The Magician told me he wants me to come visit SOON. (He emphasized the 'soon' part. Awww...) KT told me later that on the way to the airport, Rocky kept telling The Magician to marry me, and The Magician said I was a great girl and would make a great girlfriend.

Awww!

Earlier today I asked KT, "Hey, you didn't tell him any of the juicy details I told you, did you? Like, about what I said?" (KT got more details than y'all. Sorry.)

She told me that The Magician asked her the same thing on the way to the airport. How funny! Although KT says she told me everything he said, I guess I will never know....

He didn't ask for my phone number. Which I have mixed feelings about. I'd like to talk to him, but at the same time, let's call it what it really was: a Spring Fling. I mean, people don't start dating in this situation. He lives in NYC, for Pete's sake. It's best to just let it be.

And he doesn't have a myspace page and it's KILLING ME.

Sorry so long, but I seriously had so much fun!!!

My next post is going to be good, too. You see, I didn't even mention the weird dreams I've been having, Toby's trip to the vet, the news about my roommate, or the Hot Neighbor update, now did I?

Tee hee. I'll leave you hanging for now....

The Bad Girl Weekend

You're trying my shoes on for a change.
They look so good but fit so strange.

--No Doubt, "Sunday Morning"

This is a tale of role reversal. Normally, I can say I behave in a manner which befits a lady. This weekend was not that time. I ate too much, I smoked too much. I had questionable morals. And it was everything I hoped it could be. Yes, dear readers, it was Bad Girl Weekend. I have decided to allow myself to have such a weekend every so often. Repression is never a good thing.

I picked an action-packed weekend to get re-acquainted with my inner college student: three dates, some football watching and plans for going out with friends to our favorite hangouts. Just in time, all my nails broke and my face broke out like a 12 year-old. Perrrrrfect.

Let me begin with Friday...

Second date with a really funny and talkative guy. His name rhymes, so I'll call him Dr. Seuss. Little did he know he was really taking out Bad Girl. (insert sinister laugh and vigorous rubbing of hands here). He took me to The Rhino Room, which is a pretty swanky bar. Not your typical go-there-every-weekend bar. We had a drink and then headed over to Hennessey's for dinner. It was also a nice place. Great food. I had plenty of time to eat it because Dr. Seuss completely dominated the conversation. It is impossible to get a word in edgewise. Now, I believe you can learn more with your mouth shut, but come on. This guy just likes to hear himself talk. Conversations are supposed to involve two people. This was like having dinner with a verbal fire hose. Suddenly, a crazy thought crossed my mind: Oh my gosh. This is how men must feel when women won't shut up.

Oh, this was only the beginnings of the role reversal. After dinner, we were both tired and decided to make it a Blockbuster night. We both like horror movies. The irony of it strikes me only now, but we rented The Grudge. Later on, I would form one. Against him. But I digress. We went back to his apt where I got to see his decorating style up close and personal. It was very in-your-face and hard to take in all at once, sort of like him. There were lots of big, hard, sharp and breakable objects. No softness, really. It was all very nice-looking, but uninviting and lots of things seemed to be placed at wrong angles and awkward positions. I noticed a large (I'm talking 15 lb. jar) of creatine on top of his fridge, expensive skincare in his bathroom and a Kama Sutra book on his bedside table. At this point I'm thinking This must be how guys feel when they see pink lightbulbs and leopard print everything in a girl's apartment. What kind of message are they trying to send? This feeling overshadowed the remainder of the evening. I may form a new theory about male interior decorating. But that is for a different post. So I attempt to get comfortable on his bright red brick of a couch. Some snuggling. Decent movie. The end credits roll...and I began Bad Girl Weekend. (I'm not going to kiss and tell, so give up that pipe dream right now!) I will say it was PG...ish. ;) At that time, something about him was still bugging me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I just wanted to get out of there. After making out with him, of course.
As we were leaving, I noticed a book, The Truth About the Irish. I told him I almost bought that book the other day (It turns out we are both of Irish descent). He let me borrow it. Again, the irony was apparent only later.

He dropped me off. On his way home, he lost his mind.

Meanwhile, I got a last-minute call from a friend's brother (we'll call him Kermit). His date to the football game (South Carolina vs. Florida) had to cancel, so he was calling to see if I was free. Actually, he was on his way to my house. ETA: 10 minutes. Well...what could I say? I hopped in the shower. Then we went to the game. This was the first time I had really hung out w/Kermit one-on-one. It was also my first USC game. We had a blast! He is very funny and made me feel really welcome and comfortable. He was not at all a jerk like I had originally thought. I told him that and then immediately regretted it, because he ribbed me about it the rest of the day. I replied by informing him that this was not a date.

We partied at a Cockaboose with some of Kermit's coworkers. Although technically I was his date by default, we are just friends. He even went so far as to tell people he felt "no chemistry" when we met. Gee, thanks. But I guess we are even now for my jerk comment of earlier. Aside from fielding "So, how long have you two been dating?" questions, we had a blast! I met a whole new crew: Funny Party Guy, FPG's girlfriend, Blonde #1, Blonde #2, and my friend's ex (MFX), who is dating Blonde #2. I was not expecting to run into MFX, but that's how this town is--after three years, you pretty much know someone everywhere you go. I proceeded to begin smoking and eating junk food upon arrival. Ah, Bad Girl Weekend. Then it was time for the game, so Kermit and I went up to our seats. That's when things got awkward for him. Because we were sitting directly behind his ex. And her husband. (I'm telling you, this town is small!) I told him later I would have played along if he had introduced me as his girlfriend. But we still had a good time. Kermit is one of those guys who doesn't mind answering all the dumb girl questions about sports, and I appreciate that. But I can follow football decently enough. And this was a great game. It's a good time to be a Gamecock fan.

After the game, we went back to the Cockaboose. Everyone congregated there to decide the next step in the victory partying. It was not looking like the group would be heading to the part of town (the Vista) where my friends, The Nurses, were going to be. So I was in the middle of deciding what to do and who to call back when Dr. (now Crazy) Seuss called. I told him it was kind of a bad time, and could I call him back tomorrow? He got off in a huff. This must be how guys feel when girlfriends get mad at them for going out with the guys. But I didn't really have time to think about it much, though, because we were leaving to go to Cock's Corner (really just a parking lot with a band) and I didn't want to leave the Nurses hanging. So I was telling Kermit about all this, and he said he would talk to the Nurses and tell them he had kidnapped me. Or at least that is what he told me he said. Off we went. We went to Rockaway's for a while--again, my first time going there. Another cool place. Known for great burgers.

The Football Crew is awesomely fun. It was one of those great nights where everyone is having a great time and laughing so hard you feel you might get a hernia if they don't stop saying hilarious things. We all said we have to do it again this weekend. I can't wait. So this is why guys go to games all the time. Although this week, there is no way I will get tix because it is USC vs. Clemson. That's ok, the Cockaboose has closed-circuit TV. Yesss!

I was really tired, and Kermit had to drive back to Greenville, so I was home around 10pm. I had just washed my face and put on my pjs. I was getting ready to do one of my favorite things ever: fall asleep in front of the tv. That is, until Dr.Crazy Seuss called. This must be how guys feel when their girlfriends are really clingy and call them when they are exhausted. He told me how "my" man had won an arm-wrestling contest that evening and how he wanted to come by and "give me a goodnight kiss". The following thoughts instantly hit my brain:

1. Why did I answer my phone?
2. You are not my man. We have been on two dates.
3. You really did lose your mind on the way home, didn't you?
   
4. I have no makeup on. (I try to keep up the I-really-look-like-this illusion for as long as possible with new datees.)
5. That is evidence of clinginess, which is a big turn-off.
6. No.
   
7. No.
8. No.

He was really dead set on this, and the more dead set he got, the more annoyed I became. Then, his true colors (funny, they look just like red flags!) began to show...

Dr. Seuss: I'm feeling blown off.
Me: I'm not blowing you off. I'm tired, I smell like bar and I'm really about to go to bed.
Dr. Seuss: I just want a kiss.
Me: I just spent all of last night with you. That was your time. I set the whole evening aside for you.
Dr. Seuss: I'm getting the feeling you are dating other people.
Me: That's true. I am talking to some other people.
Dr. Seuss: Well, I don't compete for women. And I don't like feeling like I'm an appointment you have penciled in on your calendar.
Me: Well, that's too bad. I'm a busy girl. I thought we had a pretty good time, but if that's how it is...
Dr. Seuss: Yeah, that's how I work. If I'm going to be with someone, I expect them to be with only me. That's how you focus on the relationship and get to know someone.
Me: Yes, eventually. Not after two dates. This must be how guys feel when women give them ultimatums.

And the conversation was all downhill from there. He hung up on me. Oh no you di-dant! I called him back and said I did nothing to deserve that. He denied having hung up on me! I didn't buy it for a second. Ah, so this is how it feels when women play "No, nothing's wrong!" I said if he was as interested in me as it seemed, he never would have hung up on me and he certainly wouldn't have pressured me into doing something I was not ready for. He backpeddled. His possessiveness and need for total control became really evident. That's what was bugging me! He always had to be in control and force himself upon me whether I liked it or not. That's why he was always Mr. TMI, that's why his furniture was so loud...it all made sense. He suffers from personality rape syndrome. And the ultimatum he gave me did not win him any points. All it did was irritate me. Two dates? You want me to put all my eggs in one basket after two mediocre dates where you talked my friggin ear off? Puh-leez. Relationships should not be that difficult to get off the ground.

He has called me twice today. I did not answer my phone, but I listened to my voice mail. I was under the impression that we were over, but according to his message, that entire conversation never took place. How's that backpeddling for you? I'm keeping his book. Boy did I learn the truth about the Irish!

Prediction: He will randomly call me three weeks from now using the book as an excuse to get his foot in the door with me.

The next day, I did not go to church. Bad Girl doesn't do church. She doesn't go to the gym either. She eats donuts for breakfast and sits in her pjs until 2pm. Then it is time for the third date with Small World Guy. He is called SWG because he and I have lived in all the same towns, went to the same school, know some of the same people and go to the same gym. (Hearing that Twilight Zone theme song yet?) Somehow, we had never met. SWG and I went to Liberty's, one of my favorite hangouts--great food. SWG is an attractive, nice guy and needless to say, we had a lot to talk about. Well, he did. I basically interviewed him. I know about his family, his dad's love of history, some crazy partying he has done, what life was like in each town... I stopped listening after about 10 minutes. I am chalking it up to nerves. He is a nice guy, so he will get a second chance. But I was not feeling much of a spark on either side of the table. Hopefully, because he is cute, next time there will be some flirting and question asking from his side of the booth. Or else this isn't going to work either.

Prediction: his flirtier, question-asking side will remain MIA and he will become a friend who will watch IU basketball games with me. And will hopefully introduce me to his cute friends.

Of course, I was not done being bad just because it was Sunday afternoon. Of course, I had to stick it to someone about the Florida loss to USC. I only knew one Florida fan. The Big Ex. Carrie had her Big, I have my Big Ex. What better way to be bad than to call an ex? It's so unhealthy and self-indulgent. (Those are Bad Girl's favorite words). We talked a couple months ago, but it did not go that well. He said I had called at a bad time. This time, it was a great conversation. It was great because of what was left unsaid. The things we would say to each other if we didn't care about getting hurt. The implied compliments. The vaguely supportive comments. The off-handed way we asked about each other. The seemingly laid-back tone of voice. And the telling silences. It was a great conversation. We might see each other next month at a mutual friend's house.

After that, I went to dinner with the Nurses. It was great to catch up with them and share all of our busy weekend adventures with one another. Blonde Nurse told me about the new guy she's talking to and the one she has on the side. She played it off like they were just friends, but we called her out! Brunette Nurse whipped out not one but two packs of cigarettes out of her purse after dinner! Brunette does not smoke. I did a double take. It turns out I was eating dinner with Bad Girls!