Gym-Nauseum

Ugh. Going to the gym now makes me want to barf.

Not because working out really hard makes me barf, although that is true.

Not because I'm hating the whole process of getting back in shape -- on the contrary, I am excited about it.

What makes me want to barf when I go to the gym is the fact that every time I cross the threshold, I now risk running into any or ALL of the following former romantic interests*:

Dr. Seuss (a guy I used to date who ended up being a total wack job)
Fed Sucksy (a guy I used to date who stood me up, only to refuse to apologize or explain later-- asshole!)
Small World Guy (a guy I sorta dated for a bit, but there was no spark)

and the two newest additions--

Hot Neighbor (who has moved, btw) and.....

Repo.

Hoo-fuckin'-ray. It's official -- every guy I have dated or liked in this town now goes to my gym. I saw HN there 3 days ago and then ran into Repo last night. Oh. The. Joy.

Look, I know Columbia isn't that big of a city, but DAMMIT does everyone have to join my gym? There are several other gyms they can go to!!!! The true irony is that the only guy I want to see at the gym, CN, goes to a different gym than I do.

What used to be my aerobic oasis, my sanctuary of sweat, has now become a place of dread and awkwardness. It is only a matter of time until I do something to embarrass myself in front of one of them. I have never been known for my athletic abilities, let alone my coordination. I work out with dirty hair, little makeup and old t-shirts! This is not the way I want to look in front of former flames! AAARRRGH.

Oh well. I guess this should motivate me to work out extra-hard, right?

Maybe they are all stalking me. Ha ha!

Ok, yeah, that's probably not the case. I just have bad luck.

My membership runs out in a year. I am counting down the days.

* If you want the back story on these guys, just search this blog for their names. Or click on the tags below.

Quiz Answers

Alright, people. Let's go over the quiz answers before I announce the winner.

1. I have never been to California. I have never been west of Kansas, actually.
2. I have a seriously difficult time avoiding shoe sales or the makeup counters.
3. I have never been a telemarketer, because I hate telemarketers. If you answered this one incorrectly, perhaps you need to read this post.
4. My dogs are Boston Terriers. In case you don't know what that kind of dog looks like, here is a pic of my Sammy. And my boobs:
Now that you have seen my boobs, I don't want any whining about the lack of boobage on this blog.
5. I drive a piece-of-shit Pontiac. True to form, it is currently in the shop. As soon as I find a ride to the mechanic's after work, I can have my stupid car back (oh, the joy) for a measly $160. It's still cheaper than a car payment, I guess...
6. Not very many people got this one -- The name "Virginia Belle" is one of the nicknames my dad used to call me. That's where I got the name. NOT from the nudie girl. Major props to peeps who got this -- it has been mentioned a whopping ONE time in this blog's history. Gold stars for you!
7. Ok, ok, this was kind of a trick question. Do I like camping? Do I like the beach? No, and yes, respectively. But I would rather go to NYC than anywhere in the whole world. Yes, even Italy, which is something I never thought I'd say. Very few people got this one, either. So don't feel badly if you missed it.
8. I spent my undergrads at Indiana (Go Hoosiers!!) and then went to South Carolina for library school (so, yes, if you are a librarian, that means you did indeed go to grad school).
9. I eat the same thing for breakfast pretty much every morning. I am weird. I can play Tetris, Scattergories and Taboo for days on end. I am obsessive. I break out into a cold sweat when presented with brown crickets, diving or heights. I am a wuss. So that leaves A) I am a librarian and I love it. I cannot imagine doing anything else. NOT!!!!
10. And yes, I have dated a guy with three balls, a jerk who ate half my dinner and a guy who ended up being gay. Please, hold your applause. *takes a bow* And this may/may not have been a flawed question, as I cannot find any evidence in previous posts about the gay guy I dated in college. So if you were scratching your head on that one, my bad. I don't think I mentioned it. If you want the whole story, remind me to post it. My friends IRL (in real life) probably all know it, because they like to laugh at me, and this is a good factoid for that purpose.

So if you took the quiz (there were 27 of you, which makes me happy, because that is my favorite number), I am saying "Thank you! You are cool!" But I'm sure you are thinking, "Shut up and tell us who won!"

To which I reply: MJ cheated and signed up her dog to take the quiz, so that she could take it a second time, because she didn't get 100% the first time around. So actually, the winner of the quiz, with a perfect score of 100 is: Tater.


Don't let that face fool you -- he has an amazing ability to listen and remember things. And although he has never seen me naked, I'm sure he is rather ambivalent about the opportunity. He has already seen what I look like, although probably not well, since he has an eye condition. Naked pics or PG-rated pics would probably be the same to him. So unfortunately for my readers, my fractionally-anonymous clothed and/or nekkid body will remain internet-proofed. Um, as far as I know, anyway.

I had a good weekend, aside from my car acting up. The dashboard light lit up again. It says "Service Engine Soon" but it might as well say "You Drive a Piece of Shit". Anyway, it's fixed now, and waiting on me to go shell out $160 to pay for the "stuck open thermostat" which may be mechanic-speak for "my kid's braces". Ugh. How the hell can replacing one dinky thermostat cost so damn much?? I can buy a thermometer from the drugstore for about $5.00 -- cant' they just use that? I guess I should stop complaining. Normally, my repairs are about $300.

Let's move on, shall we? Ok. I'm trying to focus on the upside: CN is picking me up after work today to take me to go get my car. Aw, what a good boyfriend!! +500 points.

Speaking of him, he is involved in the highlight of my weekend. Without this highlight, my weekend would have been nothing but lazy slothdom: watching movies, eating candy, baking, cooking, board games, shopping, napping.....*yawn!*

Where was I? Oh yes. On Saturday, I went with CN to go meet up with his parents for lunch. We met each other halfway in-between Columbia (where CN and I are) and Barnwell (where CN's parents are). I am referring to the metropolis that is Neeses, SC. (Nudie pic for anyone reading this who has actually been to Neeses, SC -- pending evidentiary proof, of course.)

So we meet up in Neeses for lunch. Which is difficult to do, considering Neeses (pop. 407) is so small that there AREN'T any restaurants. Not even fast food ones. At first look, this might seem to be a stumbling block in our plans, but we do have a solitary dining choice: the grocery store.

Oh yes, you read that correctly. The Piggly-Wiggly in Neeses, SC has a built-in restaurant. They have fantastic soft serve ice cream! They serve breakfast, even! They have nightly specials! And senior citizen discounts! And greasy, laminated menus! And tables that are 25% smaller than they should be! As if this isn't enough, here is the kicker:

If you go to the meat department, and pick out something you want to eat (whether it's a steak or 20 chicken wings or 1 lb of ground beef), you can take it into the restaurant, and they will cook it for you AND give you a choice of baked potato or french fries for only an additional charge of...........drumroll, please...........$1.88!!!

This is, according to CN's dad, THE. COOLEST.THING. EVER. Which cracks me up, because my dad would have thought it was the coolest thing ever.

So we go to the meat department, and everyone selects a steak except me.

"Um, I'm kind of in the mood for a burger. They have burgers, right?" I mumbled sheepishly.

All three of them stopped dead, holding packages of raw meat in their hands. They turned to look at me in unison, shocked and awed that I am not rummaging through the steaks.

"But you can pick anything you want! Anything! And they will cook it!" said CN's dad, astonished.
"Oh, come on now, getcha a steak," said CN's mom.
"It's only $1.88, what's wrong with you?" said CN, teasingly.

"I'm just.....in the mood for a burger....is that ok?" I asked.

"Oh, but getcha a steak, now, come on," said his mom.
"You don't want a steak?" continued his dad, still amazed that I would want to eat something other than a steak. The man was seriously shocked, y'all. It was almost as if I'd told him I honestly believed the world was flat.

"But I don't want a steak. Am I allowed to get something other than a steak?" I whispered to CN.
"Of course you are. We just always get steaks. You can get a burger, too. But just pick up a steak. It will make my dad feel better," CN explained.
"You can take it home with you, it's no big deal. Just get both," his mother explained, under her breath.

As soon as I grabbed a steak, CN's dad seemed to feel a lot better. So when we ordered, I got a cheeseburger in addition to my steak.

Now, you might be thinking this is a really strange interaction. Why are three people telling a 28 year old woman what she should eat for lunch? That's absurd. And you would be correct in your beliefs. But I was strangely comforted by their insistence. Why? Because my father used to do the SAME THING to all of us when we were growing up. From the time I was in diapers, I would have to listen to his comments every time I ate:

"You're eating that? When we have leftover turkey? Oh, you should go get some of that turkey."
"Don't you want to put some pepper on that? You really should put some pepper on it."
"You're eating that all wrong. You can't put maple syrup on that. No one puts maple syrup on that. What's wrong with you? You are ruining it by putting maple syrup on it."

So I am used to having people tell me what I should eat/not eat and how to eat it "properly". I am also used to ignoring them and eating what I damn well please. :)

My dad died almost three years ago. I miss his food criticism. It was nice to hear it from someone. I like CN's parents. They are a lot like mine.

Thursday 13 (2nd post today)

Thirteen Signs I Have Pack Rat Tendencies

(On a totally unrelated note, wouldn't that make a great band name??? Pack Rat Tendencies!)

1. I have kept every issue of Real Simple magazine I've received since I started my subscription 2 years ago. Most of them have not even been read yet. But it is the most awesome magazine EVER so I don't care. I will read them one day. As soon as I'm done reading all my other magazines....Allure, Marie Claire, Better Homes & Gardens, Country Living, Cosmo....oh, and I used to have Glamour, but I stopped renewing it because....I didn't have time to read it. Obviously. Anyway, I'm pretty good about chucking all the magazines except Real Simple.

2. I have two shoeboxes devoted to sample-sized Clinique products (from those free gifts) and toiletries. When I travel, I have little samples of everything!

3. There is a gigantic pile of papers in the corner of my bedroom. In it are: monthly updates on my 401(k)s, the top part of all my paid bills, pay stubs, receipts that need to be shredded, bank statements, anything having to do with my house, any receipts I will need for taxes, and anything deemed important enough to file away. Somewhere in there is my sadly under-used passport. And probably a nest of small woodland creatures, by this point.

4. I have kept most of my college textbooks. The ones that were interesting to me, anyway. I haven't really used them since college, but....I love them. And the $3.99 bin at Books a Million? I will have armfuls by the time I reach the register. "After all, I AM a librarian," I tell myself.

5. I recently forced myself to clean out my makeup drawers. Yes, I said drawers. I had some makeup in there from high school. We're talking 1995, people. And even then, it was only my inner germ-o-phobe who talked me into it. Nevermind that I hadn't worn that eyeshadow since I took trigonometry.

6. I have banned myself from going into craft stores. Why? Because I have a plastic roller cart full of impulse buys: acrylic paints, stencils, scrapbooking stuff, a hot glue gun, something called Modge Podge, glitter, beaded trim, confetti, stickers and who knows what else. I have not touched any of it. But I want to.

7. Is it too small? Beat up? Out of style? No biggie. I will make room in my closet. (Although, I am getting better about this as I get older.) I have some bras that are so ill-fitting, I haven't worn them in years. But they were expensive, and dammit, I'm going to get my money's worth!

8. You know how much I love office supplies. Well, guess who owns approximately 25 Post-it notepads. And markers in every color. And fluorescent-colored notebook paper. And 3-ring notebooks, complete with dividers, purchased specifically because they match the fluorescent notebook paper. And 10 or so sets of little notecards for me to write thank-you notes. Index cards, paper clips, more than one stapler, Sharpies, highlighters....need I go on? Keep in mind that few, if any of these items are being used.

9. I have a drawer in my house devoted to memorabilia from every ex-boyfriend since college. I keep it for the sole reason that The Czarina told me to, because "one day you'll have a daughter and she will want to look at all that stuff!"

Number of times I have looked at my mother's box of old love letters from pre-Dad boyfriends: 0.

(I should chuck that stuff, huh? Actually, at this point, I am wanting to do a MAJOR expulsion of all unnecessary items in my home!!! Yeesh! On a good note, though, I am far, FAR better than my roommate, E. That girl needs to go to Clutterers Anonymous!)

10. My boyfriend makes fun of the absurd number of socks I own. For some reason, I always think I need more socks. So I buy them in bulk. And now my sock drawer won't close.

11. At any given time, I have in my kitchen:

no fewer than 5 boxes of brownie/cake mix.
At least 2 kinds of chips.
Several varieties of candy.
2 flavors of ice cream.
3 beverages.
2 kinds of cereal.
Something chocolate and baked.
2 boxes of Chicken Quesadilla Lean Pockets
2 types of shredded cheese
3 cans of beans
4 cans of soup
Probably 35 varieties of spices/herbs
10 types of sauce/condiments/marinades
(there's more, but you get my drift)

Shit, I think I just realized why I'm broke all the time! Time to clean out the cupboard!!

12. I have a back-up of everything for the bathroom: soap, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, everything. Except an extra toothbrush, which CN and I realized only when it was very late and he didn't feel like crossing the street to go brush his teeth because he was too tired.

"Do you realize you have thirteen rolls of toilet paper in your bathroom?" he said to me the other day. I had them piled everywhere in there.

"Yeah. I mean, it's not like it will go bad. Buying in bulk saves money. And they didn't have a 6-roll size in the kind I like. What?" I replied.

He just laughed and shook his head. I told him to shut up or else I would make him bring his own toilet paper from now on.

13. I have intangibles, too. There are my 20 or so Voices in my Head. My emotional baggage from past relationships. My innumerable guilt trips. The umpteen flaws in my body that I see when I am naked and in front of a mirror. My fears and hopes. All those things I wish I could say, but don't. I collect all of these, too. Just in case I need them one day.

Flashes in the Love Stinks Pan

Ugh, you know I hate it when I whine. Not only do I manage to annoy my readers, I annoy myself. To boot, it makes me feel guilty. I am a very lucky person, with much to be grateful for: health, money to pay my bills (um, hopefully...), my family is safe, my car is currently running, etc.

So this post promises to be 100% WHINE-FREE. *readers cheer and applaud*

Instead of whining about how much love stinks, I'm going to list anecdotes from those moments in my dating history when something GOOD actually happened. (Single guys, you might want to take notes.)

This might take me a while. Let's see....it can't all be bad....right?

One summer in high school, I briefly dated this guy, who, despite my raging acne and teenage insecurities, thought the sun rose and set on me. (At the time and to this day, I have no idea what he was thinking. Seriously.) I would love to say that I appreciated him for seeing such wonderful things when he looked at me, but he ended up being a horrible kisser, so it didn't last long. Also, his main hobby was dropping acid in first period, which really wasn't my scene. If I remember correctly, the vast majority of my attraction to him was due to the fact that he worked at Steak n Shake and he would give me free milkshakes when I came in. Also, he had a fantastic collection of rave/techno CDs which he'd let me borrow. Gosh, I had such high standards then...but, he does stick out in my memory because of a wonderful evening. He called me one afternoon and asked me if he could pick me up at 8pm. "Sure," I replied. "What are we doing? And wait...you don't have a car."

"Don't worry, it's a surprise," he said.

My parents said it would be ok, although they didn't like him very much (he had a few too many piercings for their taste). As I started to get ready (for what, I had no idea), I realized with horror that I was breaking out in hives all over my body. (To this day, I have no idea what caused it, nor have I had hives since). In order to avoid looking like a freak, I was forced to wear jeans and a long-sleeved top to hide my itchy, red bumps. Keep in mind this is in the middle of summer, so this outfit was very out-of-season and was making me sweat buckets. Wow, sexy.

8 o'clock rolls around, and he picks me up in his friend's car: a brand-new white sports car. He had somehow gotten off of work early and talked his coworker into letting him borrow the car.

I was already impressed. And we hadn't even gone anywhere yet.

We got in the car and headed towards downtown Indianapolis. (Remember, I went to high school/college in Indiana). He refused to tell me where we were going. Once we got to the heart of downtown, he parked the car. We got out, and he grabbed my hand. "Come on!" he said excitedly.

We walked into the ground floor of one of the skyscrapers and got into the elevator. I was curious when he hit the button for the top floor. I had no idea what was going on.

The elevator doors opened, and we stood at the entrance to The Eagle's Nest. It had just opened, and I had only heard about it: the rotating restaurant on the top floor of a hotel. (You can see a pic of the view if you click on the link). We got a table by a window and ate dessert as we watched the sun set over the downtown skyline.

Now, I'm not one for romantic gestures, as the vast majority of them make me throw up a little in my mouth, but this was pretty good, I gotta say. Anytime a guy puts forth effort like that, I'm always impressed. Considering I can still remember every detail of it over ten years later, I'd say this was one of the best dates of all time. Even though he ended up locking the keys in the car and we had to wait for a locksmith to open it. Which was pretty funny, actually.

I dated a guy my sophomore year of college. He's a great guy, and we are actually still in touch. We just have nothing in common. He is a rock climber. I am not. So that pretty much sums up why things never worked out between us. After finding myself on the side of a mountain in Kentucky one weekend, I remember thinking, "Ok, I just don't know about this."

*Readers who know me in real life are staring at their computer screens right now, jaws in their laps. "VB? On a mountain??? Willingly??"*

But the reason I will never forget him, even if we lose touch, is this: he would write me love letters. Good ones. So good, in fact, that I have kept every single one of them. (Maybe I should tell him?) To date, he's one of only two guys who ever wrote me love letters. Since he lived in Indianapolis and I was away at school in Bloomington, we had a long-distance relationship. So phone calls and letters were really how we spent time together between 2ce monthly visits.

The letters were never too corny or sappy. Just very sweet, thoughtful and honest. At the time, I remember being amazed at how open he was about how he felt. Come to think of it, I still am. But one letter in particular stood above the rest. It was a card. The front was blank, except for a little red heart. The inside had something short and cute printed in the middle of the facing page. But I can't remember what the little printed greeting was. That's not why I kept the card.

I kept the card because in every possible space, crammed in teeny-tiny writing, over and over and over, it said, "I miss you." It must have taken him forever, and I would say he wrote it at least 100 times, all over the inside of the card. My eyes welled up with tears instantly. Every time I take the card out to look at it, my eyes well up again. And sitting here, typing this story, my eyes are welling up just thinking about it. I'm sure he had no idea at the time how much that card would impact me or how much I would treasure it. Whenever I think about it, to this day, it puts a smile on my face to know that at one time, someone felt that way about me.

Again, it's the effort that gets me when it comes to falling for men.

*VB leaves to go find kleenex.*

Ok, deep breaths. I'm better now. Gosh, maybe I am a little sentimental, now that I think about it. I have always said I'm not much on bubble baths and champagne, but maybe I am. I have always thought of myself as liking the same kind of romance as The Czarina: the very unromantic kind. "Fall for the guy who jumps your car," she has always told me. (Apparently, WLF scored major points with her by jumping her car one day. I gotta say, that would also score major points with me.)

There is something to be said for a guy who goes out of his way to make your life easier, even if it doesn't involve roses or chocolates. A reliable man whom you can count on is most definitely a keeper.

Which leads me to my final anecdote. While this isn't as grand a gesture as what the high school boyfriend did, and it doesn't bring tears to my eyes like the card from the college boyfriend, this gesture I'm about to share made me just as happy.

Right out of college, when I was living in Fayetteville, NC and teaching school, I dated a string of army guys. (Ft. Bragg is in Fayetteville, and so men in that town outnumber women by about 8 to 1. It was a fun year, let me tell ya. I always tell people that Fayetteville is like Disneyworld for Single Girls). Anyway. The first guy I dated was named Dan.

Soon after we started dating, Dan was getting out of the army and moving home to Oregon. Because he was in the process of getting out, he had some time off, and since he was technically no longer in the army, he needed a place to stay for about a week before his flight left to Oregon. I told him he could stay with me.

Meanwhile, I was working 12 hour days as a first year teacher. One day, I whined to him about how filthy my apartment was and how I had no time or energy to clean it. "I'm cleaning it tonight when I get home. I can't take it anymore," I said. Then I went to work.

By the time I got home that night, he had cleaned my entire apartment. Everything. He even put the clean dishes away and picked up all my clothes. He even dusted. The whole place was spic and span and smelled fresh and clean. When I realized what he had done, I began to literally squeal with delight. "Yeah, guess what I did all day?" he said, a big grin on his face. I literally jumped into his arms, showering him with kisses and then proceeded to make him dinner.

A few days later, he moved back to Oregon. He wanted to keep in touch, but I really didn't see the point. We didn't have all that much in common and we hadn't been dating very long. But he was a really sweet guy. I'm sure he's making some girl in Oregon very happy now.

Well, those are the three that stick out in my mind the most. I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them right now. In a way, it's experiences like these that keep me going, that keep me hopeful about dating. Someone did nice things for me once, and someone will do them again. Although the relationships never worked out with these guys, I am grateful to them for showing me how there are good guys out there and that I am worth a little extra effort.

No Whining Zone

Well, today's post was going to consist of me whining about

A) my cold that won't go away *cough! hack! sniff*
B) the fact that Toby woke me up at 5:15 this morning to bark at nothing, then jump on my face and stick his tongue up my nose
C) how Hot Neighbor seems about as interested in me as he does the salmon he rejected
D) my hormonally-influenced state of mind which is 98% positive I will never go on a date again and will instead wither up and die alone, with no one other than my mother and dogs to mourn me
E) what on earth I'm going to do when K moves out in 10 days, as this will leave me in somewhat of a financially challenging situation.

However, due to

A) the tragedy at Virginia Tech
B) the war in the Middle East
C) my deep desire to retain my readers
D) the hatred I possess for feelings of self-loathing
E) my recent discovery that one of my ex-boyfriends is dating a girl who makes him wear bow-ties that match the fabric of her dress (I'll let you guess as to who I'm referring to), a concept that makes me snort with laughter

I feel today is just not a good day to whine about my life. So this post will instead consist of warm fuzzy feelings, butterflies, laughing babies, glitter and unicorns. With sprinkles on top and spirit fingers to boot.

Ok, not so much. But this is a Whine-Free-Zone. Time to suck it up, Chuck. It ain't that bad. Everything will work out just fine, yadda yadda. Among my favorite ways to feel better about myself are to

A) watch Courtv -- no matter how bad my life is, at least I didn't get arrested today
B) eat ice cream
C) do something nice for other people
D) exercise
E) bitch
F) do something productive

"E" is just not an option today, as already discussed. My entire upper body is currently reminding me how I have already checked off choice "D" from this list -- thank you, Tuesday Night Meathead Weight Class Instructor Man. "A" and "B" can be taken care of after dinner tonight. Which leaves me with "C" and "F". Oh wait, I'm blogging. That definitely doesn't fall under the "F" category. I am left with "C".

CMK emailed me the other day to inform me that she has nominated me for a Thinking Blogger Award. Aww, so sweet. I am very flattered. And confused. Mostly because there is very little thinking involved in my blog writing. I usually just kind of log on and the crap starts spewing from my brain. Better descriptors for my blog would be

A) anal-retentive (as evidenced by my obnoctious over-usage of lists today)
B) whiny
C) venty (is that a word? perhaps "bitchy" would be better?)
D) silly
E) self-absorbed
F) pathetic

So the deal is, now I have to nominate 5 people for this award. Which is difficult, as I try my best to read about 85 different blogs at last count. (So in case you are wondering, this is why I will comment-bomb you once every 2 months, and then will seemingly disappear on your ass! Ah! Lightbulb! Yeah, so spare me the guilt trip, alright?) In keeping with the theme of this award (and I am a girl who is both a rules-follower AND a lover of all things themed), these are the blogs which make me think about stuff. I will catch myself pondering their writing while driving, showering or walking on the treadmill at the gym. And let me tell ya what -- to get my somewhat ADD-frazzled mind to be thinking about something more than once in a day is quite a feat for any writer! Without further ado:

Oh crap. My stupid guilt just kicked in. Inside my little brain are the following sentences:

But this will hurt people's feelings!
Maybe you should just say thanks to CMK and just conveniently "forget" to nominate!
The main reason you read most blogs is because they are funny, not because they make you think! You are unqualified to make this call! A call that will hurt people's feelings, no less!
Perhaps you can break just this one, tiny rule and nominate everyone?

Shut it, brain! Stop thinking! Just do the assignment and be done with it! No one is going to hate you for this. Ok? Ok. *ahem* In alphabetical order:

1. Awkward Things I Say to Girls -- because Justin gives me a peek into the male mind...and I am starting to think I understand men. Ok, who am I kidding. But I did just use the word "think" when talking about this blog, so yeah. That counts.

2. Anne's blog -- Um, I need Anne to help me with this one, because I can't remember if she is keeping it a secret or not....her anonymity was discovered, so she changed the URL, and I don't know if her blog is secret now or what...anyway, I will not link to it here until I get her permission. My point is, Anne has cancer and she is wicked awesome. She has opened my eyes to what it's like to have major health problems, the delicious flavor combination that is artificial grape flavoring and pickles AND keeps reminding me of how wonderful life can be, even when it seemingly sucks. Now THAT is food for thought. I love you, Anne. I think about you all the time. You just don't know it. But if you looked outside your living room window, you would see me with binoculars, watching you from across the street. Kidding.

3. Gaijin Girl -- she is a newlywed, and she and her hubs are spending their first year of marriage living in Japan, teaching English to Japanese people. So. Cool. And inspiring. This blog makes me think about what it would be like to do that. And kinda makes me want to do it! Only, sans husband, obviously. Maybe I could bring Sammy...? (No, I am not kidding, actually. I have always wanted to do that. And the older I get, the more appealing this idea sounds to me...shhh! Don't tell my little sister, Smurf. She would cry. Don't be surprised if I up and move to Russia one day, peeps. You have been warned.)

4. Jennster -- Is this one a cop-out because it's so popular? Whatever, I don't care. These are MY picks, people! MINE! Ster is (almost) married to a wonderful man, and she has a little boy. She is the coolest -- funny, smart, passionate and silly. Who doesn't like her blog?? Probably crack smokers. That's about all I can come up with. Maybe the Pope. I don't really see him being into it, either. Sorry, Ster. She gives me a glimpse into what it's like to be a mom, which is a pretty outrageous daydream for me, considering the current state of my love life. She pretty much covers all kinds of thinking situations: Mom issues, wedding issues, family issues, friends issues, work issues, being a woman issues, politics......you never know what you're gonna get over there. But you will get lots of things that make you think. Or snort your drink through your nose. It depends.

5. Ok, I really wanted to put Postsecret in this slot, as it is probably THE Thinking Blogger Blog, but I don't think the guy who runs it has time to nominate other people. So due to his EXTREME popularity and busy lifestyle, he has unwittingly eliminated himself from this sort of thing. Too bad, so sad. What a drawback for having what is probably the #1 blog on the internet. Besides Dooce, maybe. And I don't read that blog, so obviously she's out, too. Instead, in this slot I will place....I will place.....crap, this is hard. You see, most of the blogs I read are read because they make me laugh, like Kevin Charnas or Sam's Stories. See, they think up the funny stuff, I just laugh at it. There's not really any thinking involved when you are laughing at fart stories. A lot of the other blogs I read are for my own sanity, ie, they remind me that I am not the only 28 year old woman who is still single (THANK YOU, Charming, MJ, BCOL and all the other single girl bloggers out there!).

Wow, how's that for stalling??

Instead, I will have to put The Bad Girl's Guide here in slot #5. Crap, now it's no longer an alphabetical list. Dangit, I am not fixing that problem. You just have to let some things go. Oh, so Bad Girl's Guide. Yes. Vixen writes fantastic columns (posts? I dunno, they read like columns) about all things relationship-oriented. And she's always spot-on in her advice. Her topics are timely, she's not afraid to bring up taboo topics (which really appeals to the pervert in me) and she just reeks of womanly confidence and power. She shoots from the hip and is very fair in her views. *sigh* Women like her make me proud to be in the same gender.

Alright, peeps. I know that the people I just nominated read my blog every day (RIGHT???? Because it kicks ass!!!) so they need to follow these steps now before I mail them their brain-shaped statuette of genuine gold plastic, which has a retail value of approximately $8.95:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog)

If you were not nominated, please do not go home and cry into your pillow, because

A) this causes me to feel the horrible urge to make fun of you and/or beat you to a bloody pulp for being a wuss
B) if I didn't like your blog, I would not read it in the first place
C) this meme is currently going around at about the same rate as the common cold, and I'm sure someone will soon nominate you. I mean, I was nominated, for Pete's sake. Come on. Obviously not the most stringent list of qualificatons. Be patient, little one.
D) There were only 5 slots. FIVE. I read a LOT of blogs, people.
E) I didn't feel comfortable nominating blogs of people I know/practically know in real life, as I thought it might look bad/biased. Likewise, I didn't nominate the blogs that serve mainly to entertain me with hilarious stories. This isn't a popularity contest, it's a nomination for stuff that makes me think. So stop crying and smile because this means either
1) you are lucky enough to know me in real life, or at least know what I look like
2) you are extremely funny

And now that my obsessive list-making has reached a new level of absurdity, I will say goodbye for today.

* This is my oh-so-subtle attempt at getting my readers to submit optimistic stories about how they didn't meet their spouses until they were 32 and cynical and guarded and overweight and had totally given up all hope of ever finding true love before they were 6 feet under, only to randomly find the love of their life hiding under a rock, inexplicably, and now they are living happily ever after and would like to share their story and remind me that hanging myself over a curtain rod is not the only solution to my problem, but instead I should start looking under some rocks. Or begin to write sentences that are not run-ons. *ahem*

So, How Was Your Weekend?

Greetings, Readers. I hope today finds y'all well. Let's see...what to blog about today...

I could discuss how this past weekend was dubbed "Freaks on Parade" by MJ and I. Never in my life have I had to deal with so many drunken losers at so many different bars. Every guy was worse than the last--pushy, ugly, nosy, full of themselves...you name it. Not a cute, polite, funny guy in sight all weekend. It's enough to make me want to avoid the bars for a month.

One of the freaks was RDG, who I've determined is probably an alcoholic. I have yet to hold an entirely sober conversation with him. He was so drunk on Friday night that not only did he not recognize me, but he was practically falling asleep at the bar. Very sad. I'm so glad I did not ever hook up with him!

It was, as my coworker pointed out to me, both a full moon and a lunar eclipse. Perhaps this explains it.

I could discuss how my car has a new problem. Oh yes. It has thought of a new way to torture me. Now, it is playing "guess your gas" with me. Between home and work this morning, my gas tank registered at totally empty, 3/4 full, 100% full and just less than half. How much gas do I actually have? Who knows. I don't remember when I filled up last time. I didn't know there would be a quiz. I guess I'll just fill 'er up after work today and keep track of it that way. I usually fill up once a week.

I could discuss how good Zodiac was. MJ and I saw it on Sunday night. Man, I love me some serial killer flicks. It only had about 2 seconds of gore. And it's kind of long, but it's so good, you don't care. Parts of it get kind of complicated, but the movie never leaves you in the dust. It manages to straddle that fine line between, "Crap, I'm lost." and "Duh. We already figured that part out." Plus, the acting was really good. Since the murders were never solved (don't worry, I'm not spoiling anything for you), I was afraid it would leave the audience hanging at the end, but it managed to tie up the loose ends nicely. Very good.

I could discuss how Hot Neighbor came over to my house TWICE this weekend, and I was in the shower the first time and not at home the 2nd time. Yeah....how pissed was I?? K said he had on a suit the first time. DANGIT. It's so never going to happen for me.

I could discuss how several people have managed to TOTALLY freak me out about dating guys with ex-wives and kids, anyway. Single dads will always answer their cell (always, ladies!). You have to compete with kids/ex-wife for time and money. So you can forget getting jewelry or fancy dinners all the time, let alone "alone" time. The kids will try and call you "Mommy" at best, or they will be spoiled brats who yell, "You're not my mommy!" at worst. You will feel pressure to cook and do laundry for them. Or babysit them. You have to be REALLY good about birth control because (obviously) the guy's plumbing is in working order.

Good grief. Hot Neighbor's lucky he's hot. Because if he wasn't, he'd be S.O.L.

My coworker did tell me one thing that is kind of optimisitic: recently divorced guys are verrrrrrry lonely. (They're so wone-wee...) They are used to having a family, someone to welcome them home, regular romps in the hay, etc.

Argh. Why can't some things be easy? Then again, it's not like he's asked me out or anything. For all I know, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell. At least I still have my window where I can secretly gawk at him. *sigh*

I could discuss how badly I want to get Dog #2. But it has to wait...

Because my bank account is hemorrhaging money right now. Between shopping (oops!), 3 birthdays for friends this week, an upcoming trip to Charleston, a baby shower gift, car repairs and other expenses for my Big Secret Project, I need to watch my nickels and dimes for the time being. This means cooking at home and wearing the shoes I have bought already instead of buying new ones.

Speaking of new shoes...I got this pair this weekend:


Cute, huh? Yeah. They go with everything. And I got them half off because I am Master Shopper. (read: I am a cheapskate.)

I could discuss that somehow, despite my 3 pieces of birthday cake last week and the fact that I ate my entire dinner at Blue Marlin this weekend, I have managed to lose 2 more pounds, making a grand total of 12 pounds lost. Woot! Woot! It was so freakin' good. Worth every penny of the $25. Mmmm...tilapia.

I could discuss how I bought a fake engagement ring to keep (future) nasty drunk bar guys and my stalker away from me. It looks like the one on the left.


Look, people, if I'm going to pretend I'm engaged, I'm going to pretend. It's not quite that big. But it's the same setting. Let's just say that if it were real, I'd be a very happy girl. So far, it's working.

I could discuss how a very good friend of the family got knocked up. She's 24. Yeah. Big oops. It's somewhat of a scandal, considering the boyfriend is a jerk and they probably aren't going to stay together or get married. Her parents are trying to get her to give it up for adoption, because she just graduated college and doesn't make a lot of money (you know how those entry-level jobs are). The boyf certainly isn't going to stick around. So she's on her own. She thinks her friends are going to help her out (like Rachel on Friends), but they have to work, too. And on weekends, they are going to want to party, not babysit. She doesn't want to give the baby up. I don't know if I could, either, if I were her. She's trying to take responsibility for her actions, which I can understand. But I can also understand why her parents want her to give it up. Somewhere out there is a couple who wants a baby more than anything. A couple who has time to be with the baby. A mom who has a good husband who can help her out. I just don't know what the right choice is. It's a tough call.

On that note, can I just say how GRATEFUL I am that I didn't get knocked up by Repo? Holy cow, I will be forever grateful for that. Can you imagine him as a father? *rolls eyes* The baby would starve or have a constant diaper rash because he's too lazy to take care of it. Actually, come to think of it, I'm really glad I haven't gotten knocked up by any of my exes. If I had to choose, I'd pick Big Ex. He's a good guy. We just met at the wrong time. He'd be a fantastic dad, too.

Wow. That's a weird question to ask yourself. I hadn't really thought about that before now. Which ex, if you had to pick, would you want to father your kids?

I could discuss how I have a zillion errands to run, thanks to all my friends' birthdays this week. I have 2 cakes to bake, 3 presents to buy, dry cleaning to drop off, more things for my Big Secret Project to complete, gym trips that MUST be made, somehow I have to get to the bank, pay the bills, find time to clean my room, finish watching DVDs that need to be returned....argh. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends. I love being busy. I am just feeling frazzled. Did I mention I might be going to Charleston this weekend? So add to that: packing and driving Mystery Gas car.

All this thinking is making me sleepy. I'm going home and taking a nap. Then I will tackle my to-do list. Later peeps!

Happy Violentine's Day!

Before I begin, let me give you two quick updates:

1. I am in the process of retrospectively labeling all my posts--all the way back to day 1. So if you need to read the whole backstory on my freakishly long toes or why I am going to Hell, you can do so. What did you say? Something about anal retentiveness? What do you mean?

2. I have lost 9 pounds. Woot! Woot! Go me. I am diet queen. I can now fit into 2 pairs of pants which I could not wear in December.

Now, as I was saying...

I've managed to get out some of my pent-up rage in the past couple of days. Thanks to an elliptical machine, Lily Allen, empathetic girlfriends and of course--Camels.

But I've still got some reserve anger to use up tonight, when I get together with MJ, KT and E to do some serious bitching and man-bashing. That should do me for a while, and then it will be back to your regularly scheduled programming here on VB.

Until then, I will share some Violentine's Day related stories.

Story #1

My coworker told me about her friend's current family scandal. It turns out that this woman's grandparents have been married for 51 years. They are in their seventies. [insert "Awww!" here.] So Grandma goes to her high school reunion (why you'd still go to your high school reunion at that age, I don't know). While she's there, she runs into her high school sweetheart. His wife had recently passed away. So afterwards, she goes home and announces to her husband of 51 years that she is leaving him for her high school sweetheart. Then she started packing up all her stuff! She just moved in with her high school sweetheart. Unbelievable, huh? The lady said her family is wigging out over this. Understandably.

Story #2

I wish I could give you a link to this somehow, but since it happened about 20 minutes ago, it's probably not on the Internet yet. My other coworker was listening to a popular morning radio show as she sat at her desk. She overheard this:

DJ: Ok, the 10th caller gets a prize!

10th caller: Hey! Cool! What did I win?

DJ: A dozen red roses!

10th Caller: That's great! I haven't gotten anything for my girlfriend, Kelly, for Valentine's Day.

DJ: Well, that works out perfectly. What's your name? Where do you work?

10th Caller: Shawn Smith [my coworker couldn't remember his last name]. I work at Acme Construction Company [she couldn't remember the specific construction co. either, but it doesn't matter.]

*during the commercial break, the DJ answers the phone*

Lady: hey, did you just give a guy named Shawn Smith a dozen roses for Valentine's day? And he works at Acme Construction Co.?

DJ: Yeah! Are you his Valentine?

Lady: Yeah.

DJ: I think he's still on the line. Want me to put you through?

Lady: Yes, please.

*the DJ puts the two of them live on the radio*

Lady: So, who's Kelly?

10th Caller: She's just a friend! I swear!

Lady: Well, then can you explain to me why I found her earring in your truck?

DJ: Ma'am, are you his wife?

Lady: Yes! [the rest of what she says is bleeped out.]

DJ: [to 10th Caller] This is your wife? And so Kelly's your girlfriend?

10th Caller: Well...kinda.

[The wife starts cussing at him]

A couple minutes later, the DJ said all the phone lines were jammed from all the people calling in about it. I asked my coworker if it was a big set-up or a joke to play on the listeners. She said she didn't think so--the DJ sounded very shocked, and the woman was cussing up a storm. I'm hoping this will make it to the papers or the Internet, so I can post a link about it...this story is too funny. What an idiot!!

Story #3

This one's about me. When I was a senior in college, I dated this real asshole. (He was the guy with 3 balls, actually). By Valentine's Day, I was hip to his jive, and knew he was cheating on me.

So we are on the phone the day before V Day, and I asked him what I was getting for Valentine's Day. I wanted to see what he'd say. I knew he'd lay on the bullshit really thick. He didn't disappoint.

"Oh, well, I wanted to send you some flowers, and I called around to a bunch of florist shops, but I waited too long and they are all out of flowers. I'm sorry."

Readers, breathe deeply. Can you smell the bullshit?? I couldn't believe he actually expected me to belive that crap.

"Oh, that's ok, sweetie. I don't need flowers," I replied.

"I knew you'd understand. You're awesome," he said.

"I know. I'll talk to you later, ok?" I said.

"Ok, bye. I love you," he said.

"Uh-huh," I answered.

After getting off the phone, I immediately opened up my yellow pages. I turned to "Florist". I called the florist shop directly across the street from where he worked.

"Yes, hi, I'd like to have a dozen roses delivered tomorrow. You're not out, are you?" I asked.

"Oh, no. We've got tons. What color would you like?" says the florist.

"It really doesn't matter. Any color. You can mix them up if you want," I said.

"Oh...really?" she asked.

"Sure!" I said.

"Ok, well, I just need the name and address information from you."

I gave it to her. Along with my credit card number.

"One last thing," she said. "What do you want the card to say?"

"I guess you didn't call this florist shop. They have plenty. Asshole." I said.

I heard the florist stifle a giggle.

"*ahem* Really? I guess you didn't call this florist shop. They have plenty. Asshole. Is that right?"

"That's just perfect!" I said. "Thank you so much!"

To this day, it's the best $50 I've ever spent.

I'm Back!

Yowza, I've been gone a long time. All my travels are over, thank goodness. I hope I never see another airport again as long as I live. I have had some writers' block these past few days. Work is really busy right now, too, which isn't helping.

Unfortunately, I don't have too much exciting news to tell ya. My holidays were mostly uneventful. Some highlights...

1. My luggage was lost twice. Fun times.

2. I didn't see as many people in Indy as I had hoped to. I guess you can't go back. That makes me kind of sad. I was hoping to see a lot more people. I think I just picked a bad time, too--people are pretty busy around the holidays. Do you have a hard time re-connecting with old friends, too?

3. I did get to see a group of my friends from high school/college, which just made my day. It was like we hadn't skipped a beat since we saw each other last. We caught up, got all the high school and college gossip, looked at wedding pictures, had lunch and did some Christmas shopping together.

4. Most of the time I was there, I stayed with my friend J and her fiancee. I've known her since 9th grade. She has changed a lot since high school. In some ways, the changes are good. She's beautiful and thin, with a fiancee who worships her. She has a group of really close friends, an adorable house and a challenging job. She does modeling on the side. So in those ways, I have to admit, I'm probably a little envious. In other ways, her changes are...not so good. I don't want to get into specifics. Let me just say that she and I will probably never be really close again. Which is fine. We have different values now, that's all. We can remain on good terms and still email and call occassionally. But she and I have grown up into two very different people. (I've talked about J on here before. You might remember her friends, The Assholes. Yeah. I'll let you take from that whatever you want.)

5. I stayed with my ex-boyfriend for a few days. Which was...interesting. I guess I read too much into his drunk dialing, because I was thinking we might take a trip down memory lane (wink, wink). But when he picked me up from the airport, one of the first things he told me was that he had a new girlfriend. Apparently this was a recent development. Oh. So much for that idea. He and I still had a good time and went out with his friends a couple of nights. I hadn't seen his friend Brian in forever, and I had forgotten what a sweetheart he is. He and I really hit it off. He might have to come out here next month for work, and if so, we are meeting up for dinner. He's dating someone casually, but I could have sworn he was flirting with me...hmmm....

6. Speaking of guys...my friend Healthy Girl had a housewarming party a few weeks ago. I thought Blonde and I were the only single people there, but apparently not. Healthy Girl's friend, Fun Bobby, asked about me. So with my permission, she gave him my number. I remember the conversation we had, but I have no idea what this guy looks like. I can't remember. Guess I'll find out.

7. Speaking of parties...I'm having a housewarming party in a couple of weeks. (I'd invite my readers, but y'all are spread out all over the country. You'll have to settle for pics.) I am having a hard time figuring out how to have a party which encompasses all of my friends, who range in age from 20 to about 65. I don't want my younger friends to feel they can't party hardy in front of the "mom" crowd, but I don't want my older friends to be annoyed with the "young whipper snappers". Does anyone else have this problem? Anyone know of any solutions to make everyone feel comfortable? I'm hoping the older people will come early and the younger ones will come later. Maybe I should just let the guests worry about it.

8. I'm still waiting on my digital camera to arrive. It's on backorder. But soon this blog will be full of fantastic pictures for y'all. I know you are excited for more of my fantastic photography skillz. Don't worry, I won't quit my day job.

9. This is the last and final thing I am buying for my house until I have some money saved up. But I really need some kind of a computer desk, and this one closes up to hide my inescapable clutter. It looks nicer than having my computer out in the open, I think. Since it was on sale, I went ahead and bought the last one in town. I have to put it together this weekend. Pray for me. And extra special thanks to Stuckey for helping me get it to my house!!

10. It's official: I have a major crush on my neighbor. *sigh* He knocked on our door the other day. With my luck, of course, I wasn't home. But we've been having problems on our street with our garbage pick-up lately, and so he talked to K about it. He wanted to know if our garbage had been picked up. It hadn't. He said he was going to call and see what was going on.

The thing is, our garbage bin was down by the curb, overflowing with bags of garbage. It was pretty obvious the trash guys hadn't picked up our stuff this week. So was he really coming over to ask about our garbage? Hmmm. Methinks not. K insists he was actually looking for me, as she is far too young to date him and she thinks he's awfully friendly towards me.

One can hope, right?

I'm going to ask him if I can borrow his hose tomorrow.

Not that hose, you perv. I need to wash my car.

Have good weekends, everyone!!! I'm off to catch up with all of you now...

p.s. Has anyone tried the new Blogger? Do you like it? Should I switch?

Whorelando

Greetings, my wonderful readers! Just thought I'd update you on all of my travels. Here is what I thought about Orlando, or, as I like to call it, "Whorelando".

First of all, no one speaks English. So I got to hear a lot of what I assume is Spanish. Even though I had no idea what they were saying, it's a beautiful language. I wish I could say that about the clothing choices of the women. What is up with the skin-tight outfits and the boobs out everywhere? I mean, I firmly believe in the "if you've got it, flaunt it" mantra, but these girls took it to the extreme. If I was a guy, I'd want to move to Orlando. I saw more titty than a mammogram machine.

Speaking of guys...I did call The Big Ex to tell him I was coming to town, and he was really excited to see me, but unfortunately he was unable to meet up with me. Why? Well, it seems he got a DUI a few months ago. He can't drive anywhere. As soon as he told me, I thought, "Ok, now I'm starting to remember why you are one of my exes...." But we had a nice chat and caught up. He was really disappointed that he couldn't see me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he still has feelings for me. He was being awfully sweet on the phone. And he asked a lot of questions about the whole Repo relationship. Why did he care? I don't know. But aside from the whole DUI thing, he's doing really well.

That might be the dumbest sentence I have ever written.

Other than that, I checked out their outlet malls (and I'm sorry, but 20% off is not outlet mall pricing, considering some of the stores were couture--Dior, Burberry, Dooney & Bourke etc.). It was the outlet mall for rich people. I guess they feel the need to pretend like they're poor. I did find an outlet bookstore and picked up 4 books for $20. Since I am both broke and a total nerd, this basically made my day.

The food was terrible. I didn't have a single good meal the whole time. But they were all free, so I really shouldn't be complaining. A small price to pay for sitting through World's Most Boring Convention.

Aside from the weather, the best part about the trip was the hotel where the conference took place. (Of course, with my luck, I didn't get to stay here. I had to stay at the average hotel around the corner. But oh well.) This place was incredible. There is a mini-mall inside this thing. At least 4 restaurants and even a Ben & Jerry's. I've never seen a hotel that big in my life. Then again, I don't get out much. After watching that Stephen King movie, Rose Red, the story about the mansion that "eats" people, I was terrified to walk around this place. I honestly believe I would never be seen again. The alligators would eventually find me and eat me. Yup, I said alligators. Inside the hotel. There were about 20 of them living in the little river that flowed through the atrium, and they looked like this:



Some pics of the inside--the atrium--was friggin massive:







This one shows the castle that is on the inside of the atrium, along with the rainforest, waterfalls, goldfish ponds and alligators pictured above:



The inside of the castle is sort of a mini-museum of real-life sunken treasure found by this guy off the coast of Key West. The boat was an old Spanish galleon, full of silver. The shop in the hotel sells originals and reproductions of the silver found on the boat. My dad bought me some pieces once when he went to Key West--they're pretty cool. You can read about the history and discovery of the Atocha here.

There was a big sailboat in a pool full of goldfish on the inside, too, but I couldn't find a picture of that. Maybe their website (see below) has one.

The pool was incredible:





And just in case you're curious, this is what the urinals looked like:



I swear, the stuff you find on the internet these days...


Seriously, though, if you want to see more, check it out in detail on their website.

On my last day, I did get a chance to have lunch with Party Girl, and it was so wonderful to see her. She told me about the trouble she and her boyfriend of 2 years are having (quick version: he married a girl he didn't know so he could get a green card, he wants to divorce her so he can marry Party Girl, but he can't get a divorce until he gets his green card). She updated me on some mutual college buddies, like Burger, who is an internationally-recognized salsa dancer and tours all over Europe, and Miami Girl, who is finishing up her last year of med school. It was great to see her and luckily, I will get to see her next week in Indy as well.

Tonight is the Christmas party for work, and I'm on the committee, so I gotta run.

I'll be in Indy starting on Saturday, so my posting will get kind of spotty, but I'll have a full report when I get back!

Oh, before I forget, two more things:

1. While I was gone, Sammy pooped in K's bed. Needless to say, she will be getting a very, very nice Christmas present from me this year. I guess he was mad at me for leaving, and decided to take it out on her. Cross your fingers he behaves while I'm in Indy.
2. I cut off all my hair. Ok, not all of it, but it's shoulder-length now. I like it. My coworkers say it makes me look younger, which sounds good to me.

It's That Time Again

It's time for family, fun, long lines, music, gifts, travel, menstruation and service with a smile. Yeah, this post is gonna be kinda random. Hang in there with me.

For good or for bad, the holidays are here. Where I work, that means we are really busy, thanks to end-of-semester exams. Which is fine. I understand. After all, I was once a college student. But I have to say, I am on the verge of screaming at someone.

The procrastinators and lazy students finally have a fire under their asses, and so they are swarming the library like bees. Unfortunately, since they've been slackers all semseter, they have no idea what they are doing, and so they are driving us crazy. They don't know how to find books, read books or tie their shoes. They don't have any knowledge of our computers or printing system, so they want us to hold their hands and do everything for them. Remember, we are getting the lazy slacker kids at this point in the semester.

Probably the most irritating thing to me is that they don't have any school supplies. I mean, how do you attend school and you have nothing to write with? WTF? Do you look in the mirror and call yourself an adult college student? Where did you read that the librarians will just give you floppy disks? What makes you think we would have report covers? Seriously, I just don't get this mentality. Students: there is this place called a "bookstore". Try it sometime. They have lots of handy stuff there. I swear to all things holy that if one more person asks me if they can borrow our glue, I might actually rip their head off. "Glue THAT, mofo!" I will scream. The library is not your own personal Staples, people. We don't even have glue, you numbnuts.

Ok, rant over. I feel better now.

I will feel a lot better when my new digital camera gets here. I'm supposed to allow 3 weeks for delivery, but it's been about 2 now, so I'm getting antsy. I'm also waiting on some boots from Victoria's Secret (an exchange of boots) and some deliveries from Amazon.com.

Check out what I got for my bedroom, courtesy of the gift certificate from The Dummy and Modigli:



Don't they have nice taste? They knew exactly what I wanted. *sigh* I love green. You probably already knew that.

Yesterday, the Christmas bug hit me, and I got four (yes, four) Christmas CDs. I burned one from Napster that has all my favorites on it. The Bing Crosby ones make me cry. (More evidence that I'm turning into Czarina) Other songs include: "Jingle Bell Rock", "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" and Elvis' "Blue Christmas".

Then I went to Amazon.com to look for a hard-to-find Christmas album. I have been looking for it for a long time. It is my absolute favorite, because my dad and I used to listen to it: Ray Conniff's We Wish You a Merry Christmas. On the corniness scale, it's basically off the charts. In most of the songs, there is this cheesy peanut gallery in the background shouting, "Merry Christmas, everybody!" or "Hey, Guys! Let's decorate the Christmas tree! Yeah!" They sound like they've had entirely too much sugar and/or caffeine. You almost want to blow them away with a shotgun. And I love that. Because when it comes to holiday music, the goofier the better in my book.

I also got the soundtrack to one of my all-time favorite movies: Love, Actually. I highly recommend this movie and soundtrack. If you haven't seen it, run run run to the store, folks. It's a great Christmas movie. Although, not appropriate for kids. FYI. Unless you are ok with your kids watching people play body doubles for a porno.

So what did I do this weekend? It was pretty uneventful. Some Christmas shopping. Too much tv. Baked some pumpkin bread. Some furniture assembling. Yawn. But I did go out on Saturday night. Blonde and I ended up partying with a mutual friend of ours. We hadn't ever partied with her one-on-one, and she is a scream. We laughed our asses off all night. Any night a life-sized statue of Jack Daniel gets humped and molested is deemed a fun night in my book. So I will dub her Fun Girl. Later on, I saw Mack Daddy and the rest of the Wild Youngins, Cop 2's brother (The Quiet Man), RDG and even Repo as I was leaving to go home.

It was a full moon, what can I say?

Repo called me the next day and we caught up. The Quiet Man emailed me a very sweet email. Too sweet, actually. He apparently has the same tendencies as his brother....too bad. (Trust me on this. I can smell the clinginess and ickiness, practically. At this point, I am wondering if their mother hugged them as children. They are so...gushy. Ew. I do not come from a gushy family. I come from a family which totally represses its emotions, unless the emotion is anger. Gush makes my skin crawl.)

I found out that my brother, Fat Dog, is going to go to an all-expenses-paid trip to Honolulu next summer. Why? His senior paper on jet turbine engines (or something equally geeky like that) is being presented at some mechanical engineering conference, and his school wants him there to present it. He's always getting lucky breaks like this. To quote my coworker, he has "a horseshoe up his ass." Seriously, the coolest things happen to him. I wish it would rub off on me! Luck should be genetic...

Speaking of trips, I am going to Orlando on Saturday. Work conference. Woo hoo. It's actually kinda cold in Florida right now, so I don't know how much I will get to enjoy the weather. Still haven't decided if I will tell Big Ex I'm going to be in town. I don't really see the point. But I guess it would be good to see him. What do you think? Let sleeping dogs lie or meet up with an old boyfriend just for old times' sake? Remember that I am a lot fatter than the last time he saw me. Then again, I bet he is, too. I'm also going to see Party Girl, an old friend from college while I'm there.(I am really excited about this, actually! She used to be my partner in crime in college. She is 100% responsible for all of my stage/bar/tabletop dancing. The boob-flashing was all me. Kidding. Good times...)

Special note to my male readers: You are probably going to want to skip the next part. It deals with women's troubles. No, not men. Yes, I know we always complain that men are the problem. Just skip it, ok? Go down to the Men with Cramps part. We'll meet you there.

I got a very random email today, wanting to know if I'd be interested in entering an essay contest held by Always. As in the panty liners. Yeah. They are looking for essays discussing how you make your period happy. How you can turn a bad situation into a good one. Optimism in the face of menstruation, I guess. What on earth can you say? "You're no match for my cheery disposition, cramps!" or "Sometimes, when I'm menstruating, I feel sad. But then, I think about butterflies and puppies and it all goes away." I mean, the only good thing about being OTR is that you have license to be a total bitch. That's it. The end. They want me to write a 1,000 word essay about that? Who on earth would read it? Although, if they want me to share wacked-out stories of my bizarre hormonal behavior, I can write a book:

"The driver of the other car thought it would be ok with me if they pulled out in front of me. Little did they know that their brains and other internal organs would soon be smashed all over the pavement, as I stood nearby, laughing heartily. After throwing the cops off my path with my claim of "female troubles" affecting my memory of the car 'accident', I arrived home, grabbed a tub of chocolate ice cream from the freezer and turned on the television just in time to catch the end of Old Yeller, upon which I burst into total and uncontrollable sobbing. Then I ate the entire tub of ice cream in 20 minutes before taking a 7-hour nap. It was a wonderful day. I love being on my period."

Do they have a contest quota to meet? They must be hard up for participants if they're emailing me. No surprise there. Can you imagine putting that on your resume or college application? "Winner: Always Essay Contest-- How to Have a Happy Period" Can you imagine what the judges will be saying?

Judge #1: "I really liked this one about how she views her period as an art form!"
Judge #2: "No, no. The best one was the one where the woman said she commits one random act of kindness for every cramp she has. That takes real dedication."

Little do the judges know that those women are probably referring to some major ass-kickings they've inflicted upon ignorant people who irritate them just by breathing the same air? That in their own, hormone-juiced brains, they honestly believed that slapping that stranger until their nose bled was a charitable act which probably improved the nation as a whole?

The kicker are the prizes, which include a selection of Always products (because who doesn't want a big box of pads shipped to their house for free?) and $1,000 towards college expenses. Because apparently, only college students can have happy periods. The prize they should have would be this: "The winner of the contest will receive a free job from a hit man of our choosing, all fees, concealment, body disposal and taxes included." Now that would get them some essays.

Ironically, I found this website today: Men with Cramps. Maybe men need to think twice before giving us shit about our hormones? Maybe men should also be allowed to enter the Always contest? According to Dr. Quack here, men also get PMS. He's even linking major events in world history to this male PMS syndrome. What a genius he is. I mean, look at his hair. He's totally trustworthy. I smell Nobel Prize.

So let's all just remember the real meaning of the holiday spirit: brotherly love, peace and harmony on Earth. If reaching this goal involves some bloodshed or rage, it's probably because of all the people with PMS who are under a lot of pressure, trying to think of something to write for their essay. Unfortunately, none of us are safe, because you can't tell they're pissy until it's too late. So be careful out there, folks. Use your turn signals and don't ask librarians if you can borrow their hole puncher.
And as ticked off as you get around the holiday season, just remember that in this day and age, you never know who could be watching. So watch out, or you could end up on the Internet like this German kid:

Thursday 13

Thirteen Reasons I'm Going to Hell

1. I honked at a little old man yesterday. Twice. Because he wouldn't turn right on red. I freaking hate old people.

2. I was slightly rude to the door-to-door financial planner that interrupted my watching of the Tyra Banks episode of Driven this morning. Why don't they hear me when I say, "Thanks, but I already have a 401(k)."? Don't they realize that if I were interested in their services, I probably would have contacted them myself?

3. I cuss. A lot. Constantly. If I'm not saying it out loud, I'm saying it in my head. And I never really make any attempt at cleaning up my act. Because I don't really care.

4. When I was six, I was in line at the grocery store. I wanted The Czarina to buy me this lollipop that doubled as a whistle, because I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She wouldn't get it for me, and I pitched a fit. So when she wasn't looking, I stole two of them--a grape one and a red one (strawberry, I think). When we got home, I hid under her bed and ate them as fast as I could so I wouldn't get busted. But you see, I'm stupid because the whole reason I wanted the lollipop was because it was a whistle. And since I was in hiding, I couldn't test out the whistle feature. Dumbass.

I have never told anyone that story before in my whole life!

5. I had this really annoying German teacher in high school. She used to talk to us like we were kindergarteners. So irritating. Anyway, she was kind of stupid about answer keys, and she would always leave them laying around. So we used to run up to the front of the room whenever she'd leave, and copy down all the answers. I cheated on several quizzes. [Note in my defense: I would have aced the quizzes anyway. I was a German whiz. I cheated because I wanted to get back at her for being so annoying. Which was dumb, because I really should have been cheating on my math quizzes, which I flunked repeatedly.]

6. Ok, this one is really hard to admit. And again, I've never told anyone this story before. I really am going to hell for this one, you guys. I've had more guilt over this than anything else I've ever done. When I was in high school, I was dating this guy. For Christmas, he got me two little birds. At the time, I loved them. But once he and I broke up, their constant chirping began to grate on my nerves. They were feathered reminders of a failed relationship. So I sorta.....kinda..."forgot" to feed them. You have no idea how terrible I feel about this to this day. That was just w-r-o-n-g. Feel free to beat my ass over this one.

7. I know all the lyrics to Li'l Kim's Hard Core album. Her lyrics would make a porn star blush. I sing the songs at the top of my lungs because I love them. When it comes to lyrics, the dirtier the better in my book.

8. I haven't been to church in......shit, a long ass time.

9. I cheated on this guy once. The Big Ex. I've talked about him a few times. He lives in Florida. Well...I kinda cheated. We hadn't officially had "The Talk" where you decide if you're going to be exclusive or not. So technically, I was still a free agent when my cute neighbor came along and hit on me. I was kind of annoyed at Big Ex for dragging his feet in the relationship, so in a way, I was getting back at him. (I'm noticing a revenge theme in this post...scary...) But he was really, really hurt when he found out. I learned a very important lesson: Communication is the key that makes relationships work. Also, guys have feelings, too. I was out of line, big time. I will never, ever do that again. It was a mess. I still feel terrible about that.

10. Did I mention that when he confronted me about it, I lied to him? Yeah, because what I did wasn't bad enough. I had to add lying to it. Not one of my proudest moments. Especially because I'm a terrible liar. I don't think I've lied to anyone since, actually.

11. When I was in college, I went to a party and met this really cute guy. Then I found out one of my friends, MD, liked him, too. So I never flirted with the guy. (I go by a policy of "dibs" when it comes to my friends and guys. He was off-limits in my book.) Then, I ran into him at a party. I was with a mutual friend and we went over to say hi to him. He asked where MD was, and my friend said, "Oh, you know MD! She's on a date with some guy." I thought that was kinda sudden, because MD was pretty crazy about this guy. But I had no reason not to believe what she said. So, I figured, the guy was fair game and I ended up hooking up with him that night. It was only after the fact that I learned my friend was kidding about what she said and MD was actually crazy about the guy...and she heard through the grapevine what I had done. Oops. She was pretty pissed at me.

12. When I was in high school, my family used to vacation every summer at The Outer Banks of North Carolina. We loved Duck. I highly recommend this as a family vacation spot. Anyway, one year I met this guy who was a good 7-8 years older than me. He was really hot. He was in college. He was every 14 year old girl's dream. I stayed out with him, making out all night long and didn't come home until 5am. My parents had no idea where I was and they were completely freaking out. They were about to call the cops! Those hickeys I had on my neck didn't help, either...I was grounded for a loooooong time for that one. I can't believe I did that to my wonderful, loving parents. I'm such an asshole!

13. Ok, I'm sure there's something that should go here. I just can't think of it right now.

So, anyone joining me in the land of fire and brimstone? Why are you going to hell?

Random Friday

I'm going to pass on doing a Fun Friday post this week, and instead substitute a random report of interesting/strange things that have happened to me this week.

List #1-- Strange Spam Email Titles

1. nodding cap owlet moth
2. moubata bug oleo strut
3. do candy an candy
4. he cellular it cellular
5. nettling cell mutation stop
6. nimble jointed non-Saxon (this one made me laugh out loud)
7. faith belle and friend play with lotion (woo-hoo, sounds like a good time, right?)*

*this one was received on the communal work e-mail, so I think it's just a coincidence that it uses the word "belle".

List #2 --Strange Spam Email Sender Names

1. Denver Sheets
2. Jodie Ouellette (...and that is pronounced...???)
3. Octavio Hollingsworth
4. Valintin Myles
5. Squirrel Wetly (I am not making that up--it sounds like a Beatrix Potter character)
6. Robin July

Where was it that I read how someone wants to name their kids after the spam email names? How funny would that be?! At work, we were discussing these strange names the other day. We all agree: it's not that the names are impossible, but they are highly unlikely, and that is what makes them weird.

Have you gotten any interestingly strange spam emails this week? Please share, these things crack me up.

List #3 -- Paper Topics I've Heard this Week (I helped people find sources on these)

1. Coke vs. Pepsi survey results
2. Gambling in the horse racing industry
3. SC state court procedures (yeah, I wasn't much help on that one..)
4. The Evil Eye
5. Music as therapy
6. binge drinking on college campuses
7. father-daughter relationships
8. Philadelphia
9. Careers in optometry

We've been insanely busy this week, so most of these were back-to-back, which is kind of fun, because you can feel your brain stretching--going from gambling to optometry is one heck of a gear shift! So, that is a little glimpse into what it's like to be a librarian--you never know what people are going to ask you about.

Last Friday was kind of random, too. Let me tell you what happened:
1. I was at Outback with K, KT and MJ. My phone rang, but I didn't recognize the number. I answered anyway. How about it was a guy with whom I had exchanged a few emails with months and months ago, back when I was on Match.com? And to boot, it was a drunk dial. At 8:30pm. Who is drunk by 8:30? And no matter how drunk you are, why on Earth would you drunk dial someone who doesn't even remember who the hell you are??? I must have given him my number at some point, but that has to be approaching a year ago! Luckily, he lives several hours away. Whew! Definitely don't miss my online dating days.

2. On the way home from Outback, K and I were in her car. As we crossed a bridge, someone coming the opposite direction threw something out their window and it landed on K's windshield! It made a really loud noise as some cup or bucket of liquid splattered all over the driver's side of the car. We screamed and almost crashed. Which would have sucked, because we were on a bridge. We couldn't tell what it was, but it was liquid and sort of milky...so of course, me being me, I began to make jokes about it being....well, you know. (In all honesty, I think it was an iced coffee or something of that nature.) This left us in stitches as we imagined some pervert saving his fluids in a bucket, only to chuck them out his car window at unsuspecting single girls. Then we kinda stopped laughing and thought about how disgusting that would be. Ew. And how weird it was. And so we made a beeline to the car wash to get it off the car ASAP. Luckily, K's car is fine. The weird part is, out of curiosity, we went back over the bridge, looking for an empty cup or a bucket which would explain the nature of the liquid. There was nothing. No cups, no splash marks, no liquid on the bridge at all. It was as if it had never even happened. This freaked me out. So much that I refused to go out--there was a full moon, and it just seemed the universe was out to get us.

3. Something else strange happened that night, but I can't remember what it was...maybe MJ can jog my memory. Call me back, MJ!

4. I had another blast from my past on Friday: another ex-boyfriend from college found me on myspace. I don't know why they are all hunting me down. It's kinda weird. Anyway, this guy is a redhead who is really into rock climbing. Now, he owns his own rock climbing gym in Indy. And he's divorced. (Which surprised me--he never struck me as the marrying type. Then again, maybe that's why he's divorced.) I told him we can get together for a drink when I'm up there next month.

One final random bit: The other night, I had a dream I was dating an NFL quarterback. (Sorry, I don't think my brain picked out a specific team. But it sure did pick out a great guy--he was fun and cute and nice!)

Has anything weird happened to you this week? Share your randomness with me!

Cop 2 (Part 2) and The Rat Pack

I've been so busy lately, guys. You have no idea. The other day, I got up at 6:15 and didn't stop moving until 10:30pm.

But it's all good, because most of my busy-ness is fun stuff--partying, hobbies, looking at paint chips. For example, my cake decorating class is so much fun. Here is cake #2:



You can't really see in this picture (yes, I am aware that I need to buy a digital camera), but the top of it is covered with criss-crossing lattice work. That part was kinda hard.

The cake was 100% chocolate and smelled delicious because I made homemade frosting for it. However, I haven't had a slice. Why? I gave it to Cop 2 for his birthday. Now, before you start in with the "Oh, you're so sweet, VB!" and "Yes, how is that new, wonderful guy you're dating?", let me tell you something:

Cop 2's gotta go.

No, I'm not kidding. He is driving me insane. Yes, I know he's very sweet. Yes, it's nice to have someone who's all about me (for a change). But the thing is, guys, he's way too clingy. He usually sends me 2 messages on myspace every day AND calls me every day. He has called me every day since he met me.

Now, some girls are ok with this. They want a guy who is all over her from the get-go. I'm just not that needy, folks. Really, until the guy is officially VB's Boyfriend, I only need to hear from them every 3rd day. I mean, not that much can happen in 12 hours. (Oh yes, 12. He will drop me off at my house at 10:30 and be calling me at 9 or 10 am the next morning, one day.) How can I miss you if you don't go away? Doesn't he have better things to do? Girls like hard-to-get just as much as guys do. It's pretty much a universal rule.

Ok, let's say I haven't already won you over with my argument so far. Did I mention that we've been on two dates and he's already calling me "baby"? Yeah, not good. That's more of a two-months-in kind of thing. It just comes off as desperate. Who wants to date a doormat? Not me. (Oooh...that was one of the most hypocritical things I've ever written...)

Another dating rule that has been broken is Always Be the Man with the Plan. Men, I cannot stress this enough. You must have a plan for the date ahead of time. It shows effort. It implies you've been looking forward to seeing her and that you really want to make a good impression. Otherwise, you are making the girl feel like an after thought. Not good. And so far, Cop 2 has broken this rule every time. It makes me feel undervalued. I know everyone's busy. But you can at least pick a friggin restaurant as you are on your way to pick me up. Ok, I need to stop. There is a whole post in here I could get to. But not now.

Ok, let's say you still think I'm making a mistake by giving Cop 2 the boot. Chew on this for a second: he's a terrible, terrible kisser. Just awful.

Could I take the time to fix all this and work things out? Yeah, probably. Am I too damn old to do it? Yes. If you don't know what you are doing by the time you're 28, then I don't have much sympathy. I don't have time. I'm sorry if that's harsh. But there are plenty of other guys out there who know what they are doing. And I'm not getting any younger. Maybe there's some other girl out there who likes using napkins to wipe drool off her chin when you're done kissin' on her, but it ain't me.

God, I'm such a bitch today...sorry, it's been building up for about a week now.

The thing is, I haven't told him things are over because his birthday was Monday. So now, I'm sort of stalling and going M.I.A. on him until enough time has passed that I will feel a little more comfortable telling him I don't think this is going to work. You can't get dumped on your birthday, you know? And the day after your birthday isnt' much better. Even I know not to mess with karma like that.

Anyway, this post was supposed to be about my weekend with The Rat Pack. MJ's friends from New York. They all went to college with her, and decided to visit her this past weekend. And they are SO MUCH FUN! Seriously, best. weekend. ever. Here is a pic of these wonderful cutie pies:


Aren't they adorable? I tried to seduce them with my delicious homemade pumpkin bread (recipe posted shortly), but alas, it was not meant to be. I had to settle for being groped and flirting with them. I guess I got shy. Besides, how could I pick just one??? They are all so fun and cute! That's ok. We ladies are talking about going up to NYC to visit them in the spring. Yippee!!!

So my entire weekend was basically one long pub-crawl. (I can only think of two bars I haven't been to in the last week!) Oh, you want a list? Ok, for those of you who will know what I'm talking about: Liberty's, The Wild Hare, Flying Saucer, Group Therapy, Local's, Good Times, Uncle Louie's (w/the girls last week), Speakeasy, Doc Rocco's....um, I think that is it. And then on Saturday, we pretty much repeated it all. Holy cow, it's like I'm in college again. (I was so exhausted on Sunday morning! I was cranky to the max. I didn't get up until 1:30 in the afternoon. Wowza.)

Lots of laughing, drinking, singing and silliness. We made fun of their accents, they made fun of ours. We played Flippy Cup and had a cookout on Saturday afternoon. The Rat Pack macked on random bar girls all weekend. (And let me tell you what, those guys have some serious pick-up skills!) K and MJ got drunk. We took tons of pictures. We had some great talks and even some wrestling matches. But mostly, we just laughed our asses off the whole time. It was a great weekend--we all agreed. Gotta love weekends like that.*

Other than that...I've just been working out details on my house: paint colors, refrigerator purchasing options, getting the utilities all set up to turn on on November 3rd, figuring out how in the hell I'm going to have any money....but it will all be ok.

I got my "hair did". I'm now borderline brunette. It's just for the fall. So far, I've gotten a lot of compliments. Wanna see the inspiration for the new color? Ok.

So yeah. It looks like that. If only the rest of me did! *sigh*

And Lady Starfish won't be coming down here this week. [insert sad "Awwww!" here] Her trip was postponed, so she will be visiting about 2 weeks from now--which is kind of good, because I will probably be in my house and much more relaxed by then.

9 days and counting, guys. Woo-hoo!!!

*For a different account of Friday night, check out MJ's post. I'm assuming she is going to write a post about Saturday's cookout soon.