Long Absence

Hello, my ever-patient readers! Yes, I am still here in Richmond, and still loving it. I know it has been a long, long time since I've posted last. This is due in large part to the fact I have fallen in love with the guy I've been dating since last May. Remember the blind date? We've been inseparable ever since. He's got everything I've been looking for for so many lonely, single-girl years: brains, good looks, a great family, ambition, great sense of humor, similar goals, similar beliefs, common interests.......and he's a great kisser. What more could a girl ask for?

We spend a great deal of time together (he only lives 5-10 minutes away) and I would not feel comfortable blogging around him (I'd feel I'm being rude) or talking about him without his knowledge, so I have not been blogging. But I will tell you that I am very, very happy, and so is he. Yes, we have talked about getting married and having babies. I have had my last first date. :)

Other than that, not a lot has changed this year. Here are some updates:

I still have the same job, and it's ok. Not the greatest job, but not the worst. I'd love to change careers or get into a job that is better suited to my talents (I really REALLY miss supervising), but I'm enjoying all the low-stress and time off that my current job provides. So it's not the end of the world.

My family is the same, although my brother, Fat Dog, and his wife had a beautiful baby girl, so now I am Aunt VB. Yay!!!It is difficult to suppress the urge to buy My Little Ponies for a 4 month old. I like to joke that I've already started a prom dress fund for her.

I have caught the running bug and now prefer that to all other forms of exercise. I sprained my ankle pretty badly last September, which meant I had to cancel my plans to run a half marathon. I was really disappointed, but it will be on my bucket list for 2013.

Speaking of being in shape, I am a shape.........it is round. Nothing like being in love over the holidays (read: double-up on family get-togethers) to pack on the pounds. Ugh. I am dying to get back out there, but am super busy. And being busy = more restaurant food. It's easy to do the math, even for me. I am trying to get organized and run errands while I have a few days off work, so the next couple of days are not looking good. Hopefully, it is not too cold to run outside this coming week, as the gym will be packed with New Year's "Resolutioners" until further notice. Also, I got this for Christmas, and I'm dying to use it. (Good gift, boyfriend!!!!)

One of the things the boyfriend and I have in common is a shared interest in Russia. We are both fascinated by its history and culture. To catch up with him, I have started to learn Russian.  He's practically fluent in Russian, after spending 3 summers there in college. It's not coming to me as easily as I'd hoped. It's my first Slavic language, and my first non-Roman alphabet, so I'm definitely out of my comfort zone. But I can say several things at this point.

I have paid off my car. Woo hoo!!!!

Sammy injured his eye (big corneal scrape) when he escaped through the fence at boyfriend's house, but after 3 months, at least 8 vet trips (including a vet eye specialist!) and $1,000 (yes, a grand), his eye is fine.

I have met several girlfriends and enjoy hanging out with them, but most of my social life involves my boyfriend. He's my favorite person to hang out with, and vice versa. I have been trying to make a bigger effort on the girlfriend front, but it's hard, since most of them are single and want to go out and meet guys in bars late at night (not really my scene anymore). The ones who are not single are super busy, so double dating is difficult to wrangle. So I do the occasional lunch and have joined a book club. I like a lot of the girls I have met, but no one has really clicked with me yet.

I think I will work on this for the new year. Maybe I'll add it to my bucket list, although it may not be a good candidate. A girl I met here does an annual bucket list: 3 things every year she needs to accomplish/do. None of the goals should involve assistance from/reliance on others, so you can't blame anyone else if you don't accomplish them. She has so much fun doing it, and I have been inspired. I only have 2 things thus far: 

1. Run a half marathon, preferably in a town that is not Richmond
2. Take more photos (if anyone has any advice on how to make this goal easier to do, as well as how to make it more specific and measurable, that would be great! I never take photos and I need to change that.)
3. TBD....I need to think of another goal/change to make. Any ideas, readers??? I am learning Russian right now......perhaps I can continue on that. Or is that boring because I have already been doing that? Perhaps I should get my finances in order or take a trip..........

Ok, I have to go and get some things done. I just wanted to let you know I'm here, and I'm happy and I love living in Richmond. I'm not sure where this blog will go next, but I think that as long as I can leave the vast majority of my love life out of this blog, I will be ok with that. I hope you all understand. Everything else is on the table, though!

I'll try and post again soon. I hope you're all having lovely holidays and will have a glorious New Year, full of hope, luck and fantastic experiences!!!!!!!!!!!

RVA Should Stand for "Richmond: Very Awesome"

Greetings, readers! Flattered any of you are still here, as always. I have many many updates for you, as a lot has changed since my last post. I'll do my best to be brief. I think I am in love. I am in love with Richmond. I should have moved here YEARS ago. I have met so many great people, I get to see my family all the time and there's always something fun to do here. It's a great size, there's great shopping and restaurants, there are lots of young people and so much to explore. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm done moving. I don't see myself leaving RVA any time soon. I'm so much happier here than I was in Savannah.

Have I talked about my job at all? I can't remember. I don't like my job. I miss my old job in Savannah. I had things to do there. I felt like I was with a team and we all had projects and ideas to work on together. Here....not so much. I strive to fill my day with something, anything. The work is not challenging at all (seriously, you could have a high school diploma and do what I do at this gig). I spend most of my day totally alone, which does NOT work for me, because I'm a social person. I don't really supervise anyone, even though technically I am supposed to. First of all, the people I supposedly supervise don't need me because no one uses our library. We can go for days at a time when no one even comes in. Second of all, my boss signs their time sheets and approves their leave, leaving me with nothing to use for ammo when it comes to supervising them. I really like my boss as a person, and she likes me, but I don't think she's a very good supervisor. I don't think she likes being the supervisor, either. There are so many things I could say about this job -- I am just scratching the surface, honestly. I should devote a whole post to it one day. I don't mean to complain, as I am grateful for this job, and it is extremely low-stress, but as a good friend of mine stated when I was describing my new job to her: "Wow, what a complete waste of your talents and abilities." It's not that this is a bad job. It's just not a good fit for me. I plan on changing careers with my next job. To what? I have no idea.

One of the things that is kind of awesome about this new job, though, is that for the first time in my life (yes, since my first job at age 15), I do not work nights or weekends. This, combined with the barely-40 hours a week and the low stress levels of this job means I can really focus on getting back in shape and my social life, which is what I want to do in a new town anyway. Yipee!! (I have already lost about 15 pounds. WOOT!)

After a few months of loneliness/dating douchebaggery, I found a group just for women in their 30s. There was a happy hour event in March, so I went, halfway dreading it because I was worried they'd all be married mothers and I'd end up getting invited to baby showers (no offense to any mothers reading, but attending baby/wedding showers stopped being fun for me about 6 years ago. They only serve as reminders of how I am not where I want to be at age 33. But don't get me wrong -- I am happy for you. I just want to mail a card instead. Is that ok?). So I get to this happy hour event, and end up sitting next to a group of girls who are all my age, all single/childless/never married AND most of them just moved back to Richmond after living away for some time. Ding ding ding! We have a winner! 4 of us really hit it off, and we've been hanging out ever since. They are so much fun and it's so awesome to see that you're not the last single 33 year old woman in the world. Every time this group gets together, we meet more cool girls, so my social circle is expanding all the time. Sweet!!!

But I am not just relying on them for my social life. There are daughters/sons of friends of my mom who I have been meeting, too. I met with one of them for after-work drinks the other day. I was especially excited to meet with her, because I hadn't seen her since I was in about 8th grade, I was told she's super fun and also because The Czarina told me she would have good career advice for me. And she did! But what I wasn't expecting was that she's also all about fixing people up. Score! A few minutes into our conversation, she asked me if I'm single. I nodded. "You have to meet ____." I asked her to tell me about him.

He sounds awesome! Smart, kind, funny, attractive, no kids/ex-wives, owns his own home, from Richmond, close to his family but not too close, has a good job, he's the same age as me.....so why wasn't SHE interested in him? After all, she's 33 and single, too. "He's not my type. I can see why people would say he's attractive, and he is. But I'm not attracted to him. He's like a brother to me. I've known him for years and years."

"So why is he single?" I asked. There had to be a catch.

"Well, he was engaged about a year or two ago. Then, out of nowhere, she broke it off. He was pretty crushed, because he didn't even see it coming. Actually, none of us saw it coming. Then he dated this other girl for a while, and she ended up getting back with her ex....so he's had a rough go of it."

"Poor guy. He sounds great, though. Sure, fix me up," I said.

"Ok, let's do this right now," she said, getting out her phone.

"Like, right now? Do I have time to brush my hair?" I asked.

She laughed. "No, I mean like let's set it up right now." She began texting him. "Are you free tomorrow?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Ok, he's free, too. You're meeting him here tomorrow at 7," she stated matter-of-factly.

And just like that -- BOOM -- I had a blind date.

We have our second date tonight. I'm really excited. I'll tell you all about him in my next post....that's all for now, kids. I have to get ready for the gym!

Happy Bday to Me

Greetings, readers! I am writing to you from my brand new laptop, while sitting in a coffee shop. This might be the most cliche moment of my life. :)

I know I haven't been blogging lately, so let me catch you up.

1. Today is my birthday. I turn 25. (Well, something like that...)Not much planned. MJ is on her way to visit me and hang out for the day. Tonight she and I are joining my coworkers for dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant. Mmmm. Thai. If I am not too sleepy, we will go out for a drink somewhere. But seeing as how I went to bed at 9:30 last night...might not happen.

2. I got a laptop. Yay! This is actually my first computer. I have always just used my friends' computers. I used to have my brother's old computer, but it was so slow, and I really wanted a laptop, so I just figured I'd go for it. I saved up my Best Buy gift cards for a year, and got this little HP for around $350. Woo hoo!! I wish you guys were here to see me try to figure out how to get onto a wireless network. It took me a few minutes. I looked like a total idiot.

3. The main purpose of the laptop was to get me out of the house, away from CN and around people other than CN and my coworkers. I am in such a bad habit of watching tv and just hanging out w/CN. It is not good. I need space. I need to get away. My laptop is my ticket out.

4. Total number of times I have used laptop to actually get out of the house: one. Today. I have had this laptop since Christmas time. It's so much easier to flop on the couch.

5. As if you cannot tell yet, the diet/exercise program is still nada. *Sigh* I really need to get going on that. It would give me so much more energy.

6. In more serious news, my uncle passed away suddenly about 3 weeks ago. He dropped dead of a heart attack. Just like that. The thing that stinks is that he knew heart problems ran in his family, and so he did everything right -- never smoked, never ate bad food, never gained weight, always exercised. We used to tease him because he never put any sauces or flavorings on his food -- no ketchup, no salt. He was trying to be healthy, I guess. Anyway, as you can imagine, my aunt was devastated. She's my dad's sister, btw. I heart her. So I flew up to Washington, DC. My brother works right near Dulles airport, and my mom was picking him up on the way to Lancaster, PA to go to the funeral. So she just stopped to pick me up at the airport. It was hard to see my aunt and my cousins (they had 3 boys) so sad and upset, but I know they will make it through ok. They have so many good friends up there, and my aunt's job keeps her really busy, which is good. Mom and I are already making plans to go visit her in a few months. Oh, and remember all those snowstorms that hit DC? And everything got shut down? I had to re-arrange my flight at the last minute to avoid getting stuck in DC. I was on one of the last flights before Dulles was shut down. Whew!

7. While I was up there, my aunt told me 2 stories about my ancestors which I did not know. I will have to share them with you -- they are super juicy! I have so many interesting and amazing family stories now. I kind of want to write a book about it. Maybe a semi-fictionalized account. That would be cool. I have always wanted to be an author.

8. Work is still bonkers. It's never going to let up. Ever. I have decided that if I don't get a nice (and I mean NICE) raise in June, when I'm up for review, I will start looking elsewhere. I have been working my butt off for this job, and I don't really like Savannah, anyway. (Have I blogged about this? If not, remind me. I have a little soapbox speech I give about Savannah.)

9. It is getting really REALLY hard not to talk about politics on here. I try to keep this blog as un-political as possible, but that my not last forever....

Anyway, thanks for reading. I will try and get better about this blog. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out why this outlet is not charging my laptop....argh.

BYOB in the New Year

That's Bring Your Own Baggage, by the way. Certainly nothing to do with alcohol in my life! But if I did still drink, I would have a nice tall frosty one right now. Actually, make that some tequila shots.

CN is on a date.

As in....right now.

At dinner. With some girl.

And I'm ok with it. For the most part. It's kind of weird. There is a twinge of jealousy, I am not going to lie. Part of me feels like I should be the one to move on first, since I broke it off. In a lot of ways, I have moved on. But when he told me what he was doing tonight, it was all that much more evident to me that I am NOT NOT NOT ready to date anyone right now. No way, Jose. Flirt, yes. Check out a cute guy? Totally. Date? Nonononono. The thought of going on a date is just surreal to me at the moment. I want me time. Lots and lots of me time.

I'm kind of sad, though. Not only do I know it's over (obviously), but now I know that he knows it, too.

I have been psyching myself up all weekend to get going on resuming my diet/exercise regime. It's an annual event. Ha! Feeling all positive about myself....and wham. The ex has a date. And here I am, I weigh a ton (I am now too fat for my underwear....that's not a good sign), I cannot even remember how to date (because I am not putting myself out there because I am terrified), my self-esteem is rock bottom (due to weight issues) and I am now having a pity party while he's moving on. Good times. Please pass the Haagen-Daz.

I have been beating myself up all day about the fact I haven't really started dieting or exercising yet. Oh, and today (of course!) I was going through some old junk, and ran into all my leftover wedding planning stuff. As I am looking at it, feeling a little sad, he yells down the hall to tell me what his plans are for the evening. Classic.

The optimist in me won't let me throw it away, though. I kept all the torn out pictures of wedding dresses I like and kept the planner. It's now in storage in the garage.

So this news is kind of bad timing more than anything else. My esteem was already in the tanker. I am NOT going to have a pity party. I refuse. (Note: I have been sobbing through this entire post, so that is actually a bald-faced lie.) Feeling sorry for myself will only keep me miserable and let me remain overweight. I have GOT to pull up my bootstraps and get going with my life, instead of letting it take over and running the show. I am in charge. ME.

I am NOT too old. I am NOT too fat. I am NOT giving up. I am going to make this year ROCK if it's the last thing I do. I have two coworkers who want to exercise and lose weight, too, so I have buddies. One of them is single, too, and we've already talked about The Hot Girl Lifestyle. We will own it in 2010.

Things I am looking forward to:
1. I (think) I am buying a laptop soon. YAY! This will enable me to blog more/read blogs more, since I can get out of the house and have some computer privacy. (The lack of privacy, along with work's insanity have both played a role. I miss the blogosphere!) Anyone know who has free wi-fi? (On a semi-related note, is wi-fi trustworthy? Can I shop safely?)

2. Exercise. I cannot wait to run again. (You will notice I am notnotnot looking forward to the "diet" portion of the Sexy New Me program...) I already got new work out pants.

3. Moving. Again. (I am such a nomad, aren't I?) I don't know when. Perhaps I will need my own place sooner than I realized! I have been aching for it, lately. I'd hate to do it again so soon, and leave him with the big rent to pay all by himself, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I don't like the floorplan of this place, anyway. And I miss walking to work. Perhaps I can hold out until March, when the weather is nicer.

4. Getting back in touch with Single VB. She's been gone a loooong time, and hasn't really come out yet. I have been in my little comfort zone on the couch. Time to get out and about, doing things I want to do, fat or not. All work and no play makes VB a dull girl. And who wants to date a dull girl?

I am exercising tomorrow at 9am. I will be making my first *healthy* trip to the grocery store in a long time tomorrow, too. Now, if only I could find all my Weight Watchers paraphernelia...

A Victory and a Mystery

I almost took that last post down. I got home that day and thought, "I can't believe I just wrote a post about a stupid lost water bottle. My blog has reached a new low."

But then you guys had such great ideas!!! My readers are so helpful! Thanks, everybody. I think I might order one of the Rose Parade ones...or whatever that was. I'm also going to go back to the store where CN bought it and plead with the manager to carry them again. It's worth a shot.

Besides, as you will soon see, THIS is the post which will take my blog to new lows.

I had a small victory this morning when getting ready for work. My 2 weeks of diet and exercise were all worth it when I put on a pair of jeans I could not wear a month ago! YAY!!! Go me! Little things like that really keep me motivated to continue. Because let me tell ya, I am having a hard time cutting out all the sweets I normally eat. I am trying to be more aware of what I'm eating, because I find that when I'm not actively thinking about what goes in my mouth, I usually eat too much or a bunch of crap. And I'm really pushing myself at the gym -- I ran about 3 miles the other day, which is something I haven't done since I was a teenager. I was really proud of that. I am not quite sure how much I've lost, but it's about 2-4 pounds. Definitely a step in the right direction!!!

As you can probably tell, I don't have a ton of things going on right now. But I did experience something totally disgusting yesterday. So if you're eating while reading, I suggest you stop. Also, don't read this before lunch or anything, because it just about killed my lunch appetite yesterday.

I tell people all the time, "I can't believe CN puts up with me." This statement is usually met with amazement, as most people don't know how weird and/or stupid I can be at times. Allow me to enlighten you, dear readers.

I was walking Sammy, just like I always do on my lunch break. I take him down our street and go behind our little neighborhood. It's basically an empty lot behind our street, so he is free to be a dog back there. There's a little clearing where Sammy likes to do #2. I was walking him back there, when I saw it: a piece of clothing on the ground.

"Hmm, that wasn't here when I walked Sammy this morning," I thought.

Then I realized this meant that our resident homeless guy was probably back. He comes and goes, but we always know when he's around because one of us will spot him or there will suddenly be a lot of trash in the empty lot. Which makes sense -- it's not like he has access to a trashcan. He hangs out in the woods beyond the empty lot. My elderly neighbors and CN tell me not to go behind our street during these times, but I think he's harmless, so I just don't go as far back as I normally would, just to be safe. If he wanted to do something, he would have done it by now-- asked for food or money. I think he just wants to be left alone, because I've never even laid eyes on the guy. I try to have sympathy for people in unfortunate circumstances like that. I don't want to just jump to stereotypes, because I think a lot of homeless people are addicts, mentally ill or just down on their luck-- they have real problems. I believe most homeless people mean no harm at all, and are usually just misunderstood. I don't like it when people assume they are criminals or evil. That's just not fair. It's only out of sheer luck that I'm not one of them, so I try to keep that in mind.

As Sammy is sniffing around and marking his territory, I am studying the piece of clothing. What is odd to me is that it looks like it has been ripped off of someone's body. It was just thrown on the ground, and I didn't want to touch it, so it was kind of difficult to tell what it was exactly. Nearby, I saw a (presumably) empty box of cigarettes.

And something else.

Oh. My. Is that....what I think it is??? Because if it is, that is....totally effing disgusting. Dear God!

Out of shock, I backed away from it and turned around and went back home, much to the irritation of Sammy, who possesses what must be an endless supply of pee.

I decided to get CN and take him with me to look at it again. I needed a second opinion. So after work, I hurried home before the sun set to drag him with me. "What is it?" he asked.

"Just come here. I want to show it to you. I'm not sure what it is," I replied.

I took him to the back lot, over to the little clearing where Sammy usually does his business. I pointed. "Is that what I think that is?" I asked. "Because if it is, that is totally incredible and disgusting. I mean, look at it! It's massive. And in one straight piece. I've never seen anything like it!"

"I can't believe you made me stop working to come over here and look at a giant piece of shit, VB," CN said.

"So it is shit, then?" I asked, stupidly. "Because I wasn't totally sure if it was human or not. It could be from a big dog. A really big dog. I thought maybe it was some kind of food or something. You know, all that rain we had, I thought maybe it was dissolving food that just looked like shit," I continued.

"I can't believe you. I'm going back inside. This is ridiculous," he said, turning around to leave.

"No! Wait! Do you think it's from the homeless guy?" I asked, grabbing his arm.

"Of course it's from the homeless guy!" he said, frustrated. "I mean, look -- that's his underwear right there!" CN pointed to the mysterious article of clothing I'd spotted earlier. Aha! It was a pair of ripped boxers! Mystery solved.

"But it looks like he literally ripped it off his body," I said.

"Well, by the looks of it, I don't think he had a lot of time to waste," CN chuckled.

"No kidding. I've never seen anything like it! I'm going to go get the camera and take a picture of it," I said.

CN promptly talked me out of this idea. But I do kind of wish I could share it with you. It was at least a foot long. And in a perfect line, not in a pile like you'd think it would be. Which makes me wonder if he sort of walked it out, if you get what I'm saying. Too graphic? If so, I apologize. But this was one amazing turd, y'all. And really, he was not far at all from some of my neighbors' windows. Someone could have easily seen him squatting. But come to think of it, that supports CN's theory that this guy didn't have time to waste.

And the other discarded things sort of tell a story. I bet he had a nice smoke, and then thought, "Uh. Oh." He was in such a hurry, he had to literally rip his clothes off before it was too late. WOW.

I continued rambling on about The Amazing Poo, and CN reprimanded me: "Look, keep it down. I'm sure he doesn't want us standing around, talking about his poo. He's probably watching us right now. Listen, I don't want you coming back here anymore, do you understand?"

I nodded, staring at my feet and feeling ashamed.

As if being homeless isn't enough, this guy has to deal with strangers discussing his poos.

But it is a pretty impressive turd.

Happy New Year!!

Ok, so I am blogging from CN's computer while he's busy watching the Falcons game. They are in the playoffs, and I can hear a lot of cursing coming from his living room. :)

When the commercials come on, he gets up to pee and give me a kiss. It's pretty cute. He just walked in here to ask me if I like his wiener or not. What a dork.

Anyway, just wanted to write a short blog post to update y'all on stuff. Since I get almost 3 weeks off from work during the holidays, it's hard for me to get to a computer. CN's letting me use his. Although I doubt he knows I'm blogging right now....

Thank you, everyone who commented on my last post. It was a very painful post to write, so I appreciate the sympathy and empathy. And I don't always feel like that about my mom, it's just that she and I go through phases. We are currently in one of those phases where I seriously cannot stand her. She's not a horrible person, we just bash heads sometimes. She does it all (mostly, I think, anyway) from love and out of worry for me. It's just the methods she chooses that irk me. I really have to start letting it roll off my back, because she's never going to change. So I have to just change the way I react to her. And THB, I didn't take down your 2nd comment, even though it was a repeat, because I read it twice. It was that good! So I think it deserves to be said twice!! But seriously, my readers are the best. All of your comments made me feel so much better. It was definitely an "I love blogging, because blog readers are the best!!!" moment. :)

Going home to visit The Czarina went very well this year. WHEW. I credit Fat Dog's new girlfriend with my mother's MUCH improved behavior. I think that is the key to surviving visits with her -- bring an outsider. It keeps her on good behavior. As an added bonus, I really like Fat Dog's girlfriend. She is teeny tiny and very nice. She's totally his type -- petite, athletic, brunette who doesn't wear a lot of makeup. They are really cute together.

I got KICK ASS presents this year!!! Best Buy (hell-O ipod!!!) gift card from CN and a Lowe's gift card from Fat Dog, plus a beautiful --

DAMMIT, CN!!! STOP CHASING SAMMY AND MAKING ALL THAT NOISE!!!!!

ok, sorry about that. I swear, I am dating a 12 year old.....

Where was I? Oh, yes, CN got my that gorgeous wallet I wanted. I also got some jewelry, DVDs, potpourri, a frog tape dispenser, JP gave me a French press for coffee (although I have no idea how to use it!) and MJ gave me some Christmas decorations (because I never buy any and she thinks this is horrible) and an herb garden. Sammy got a big container of gourmet dog cookies.

And The Czarina gave me a big, phat check made out to Capital One -- that was her present to me. Along with the jewelry and the tape dispenser. It's a pretty sweet present, because she knows how much I want to pay off my Visa. I gotta give the Mom some props on that one.

And for the last week, I have been cooking, cleaning, organizing and decorating. I love working on a college student's schedule. One of the best things about my job. My house is super clean and neatly organized, and I have finished a LOT of projects I've been putting off. Soon, I will start painting E's old bedroom and the bathroom and hang up some curtains. Unfortunately, that's just about all the decorating I will be able to do for a while, since I need to focus on the credit card debt.

I'm trying to decide if I want to get a part time job or not. I really should, for the extra money and debt-paying purposes, especially since I won't have a roommate anymore. But I am ULTRA motivated to lose some weight, a part time job would really impact my gym time. I have worked out 6 days in a row, and yesterday I ran for 33 minutes straight -- a feat I have not achieved since I was in college!! GO ME!!!

I'm not doing too badly at the dieting thing, either. Not perfect, but at least conscious and aware of what goes in my mouth. I am trying not to bring junk into the house, which helps a LOT.

Although my whole body is a little sore, I am in a great mood, sleeping like a rock and have noticed how much energy I have. I think my tummy's a little flatter, but it may just be my imagination. It feels great to be getting back in shape. I hope I can keep this up. So far, so good on my New Year's Resolution.

Everyone is doing great -- CN's dad is still hanging in there, MJ and JP are doing well. Except that one of MJ's dogs died. :( And CN is wonderful, as usual.

When I'm done with my decorating, I will take some pics of my house and share with you. I have done a lot since the last time I shared pics.

Sorry this post is kind of random! I'm in a hurry and have some stuff I want to do before CN and I head out to go bowling. I'll try and catch up on everyone's blogs as soon as I can.

Happy New Year!!!

Updates

1. CN's dad is home from the hospital. YAY! Although it's a lot easier on his mom now, she is still really stressed out. When CN and I went down to visit them this past weekend, I told her that she can call me if she needs someone to sit at the house while she runs errands or takes a nap or whatever. She will probably never take me up on the offer, but I wish she would. She's a bundle of nerves. As for CN's dad, he's in better shape emotionally. He's really happy to be home after staying in a hospital for 3 weeks. But physically, he's worse than ever. He can't even get out of bed or use his hands now. The radiation has basically fried his nerve endings and really weakened his muscles. And the radiation treatments (15 of them!) made his hair fall out. :( Luckily, a nurse comes by twice a day to help out. So things are better, but not good.

2. Did you hear about the plane crash?? The doctors are saying that Travis Barker and DJ AM should make a full recovery, so that's good. But it's so sad about the rest of the people on the plane. They think a blown tire caused the crash.

3. My roommate, E, is still hanging out with the Random Guy, despite how she told me she doesn't really like him. Ugh. I just do not like him. Have you ever met someone and instantly knew you should not trust them? That's how I feel about this guy. And I don't mean like I'm worried he's going to steal stuff. Not that kind of distrust. More along the lines of he's a player and just out to use women. That kind of distrust. The sketchy, lying kind. Anyway, I just sleep over at CN's house when he's over. That way, I don't have to worry about their beer-induced midnight romping. Ugh. (The upside? I think E feels a little guilty, because she's been taking out the trash and washing all the dishes. I am not complaining. I like this arrangement.)

4. MJ got free tix to the South Carolina football game this weekend, and she is taking ME!!! YAY!!!! We get free food and drinks at her company's tailgating area, too. WOO HOO!!! I have the bestest best friend ever. Not only is she WAY cooler than I am, she is also generous. OMG you have no idea how totally excited I am. There is nothing better than seeing the Gamecocks play live, in the stadium. Unless you've been to an SEC football game, you have no idea what I'm talking about. It's a total blast. It's so hard to get tickets, let alone FREE ones. This is SWEET.

5. I finally broke down and bought some new (ie, bigger) pants this weekend. While bummed that I now have to wear a size (ok, two sizes) larger than usual, I really did need some new work clothes. "I feel like I'm rewarding myself for getting fat," I said to CN. He made me feel better by reminding me that it's ok, because I'm doing what I can so I won't have to wear them for too long. I have been doing pretty well at cutting sugar from my diet and eliminating all snacks and fried foods. Next week, I will start to exercise a lot more, too. With any luck, I should be able to lose some weight here pretty soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

6. You might be saying to yourself right now, "Shopping? Football games? Gee, VB, it seems like you have a lot of free time lately." To which I reply, "Why, how observant of you, my dear reader!" I have decided to quit my part time job at Dildo's. I put in my 2 weeks notice a couple of weeks ago. I decided that I deserve a break. And I need to be able to support CN right now. I might get another part time job after the holidays are over, but for now, I am really looking forward to being able to clean my house, see my friends, sleep in, go to the gym, etc. My last day is tomorrow. I cannot even tell you how freaking excited I am to finally have a life again. I even bought a new cookbook in anticipation of all the cooking I will be able to do soon!

And I have paid off about $2500 in credit card debt! While not super amazing, it is a nice dent in my debt, and nothing to be ashamed of. I can still (hopefully) continue to pay it down, albeit more slowly than before.

7. My stalker hasn't bothered me, aside from a bunch of staring, which is creepy enough. But I never walk to my car alone, and my boss gave me permission to call security at any time if he says anything inappropriate to me. Unfortunately, the creepy staring isn't enough to have him removed. But at least my boss is backing me on this and taking it seriously. She was really concerned when I told her about it. So far, so good......

Ok, you're all caught up now. :) Thanks for reading. I'm off to go leave comments on other blogs...ta ta for now!

I Now Pronounce You...Diet Queen

**Updated!!**

Have I told you that my friend (and MJ's old roommate) KT is getting married next June?

Yup.

Did I mention that KT asked me to be a bridesmaid?

She did. I accepted.

Today, I was informed that the bridesmaid dresses have been selected. They will be light green and are described by KT as "sexy". Here is a photo of the dress:


Pretty, right? Except for that one part where KT describes the dress as "sexy". This is an ominous word to anyone who is currently 30 pounds overweight, such as yours truly. Especially when that person has hips as wide as the Mississippi. And the dress is clingy in the hip area. For me to wear dresses like this AND still have the ability to sit down, it is necessary that I lose a LOT of inches in the hip/ass area of my body.

"Ok, I might need to think about getting serious in the diet and exercise arena in preparation for this wedding," I thought to myself.

"This will be good. You were looking for some motivation to get going on losing some weight," I thought.

"And even if you don't lose a ton of weight, like you should, at least everyone will be looking at the bride, not you," I comforted myself.

"And at least you love the light green color she picked out," I thought.

Then MJ pointed out that the other bridesmaids are probably all aerobics instructors, like KT.

[Insert panic here.]

Now, if you will excuse me, I have 14 miles to run, followed by a dinner of water and 3 grapes.

Update on Tuesday morning: I only had ONE twizzler yesterday. Everything else I ate was relatively nutritional. :) It's a start, right??? Hopefully, I will be going to the gym tonight. No time like the present!

Faux Pas Over Faux Pearls

I was working at Dildo's the other night. So far, so good. I'm still getting used to my crammed schedule, but my coworkers are nice and the work is pretty fun. Until I can "prove" myself as a salesgirl, I am currently working in the accessories department, awaiting permission to move over to the Clinique counter.

Nevermind that I already have 2 1/2 years of Clinique experience, working at the Dildo's across town. There's some new rule for everyone -- you have to go to a "regular" area and play Good Little Employee before you can go to a "specialized" area. Whatever. So for the time being, I help women shop for purses, jewelry, scarves, wallets, watches, sunglasses and hats.

Which isn't half bad, considering I love to shop for those things. So I get to shop vicariously through these women -- which is great for my bank account. I get all the fun of shopping and none of the buyer's remorse. It might not be the end of the world if they never move me to cosmetics, actually.

The other night, I was helping an older lady find a necklace to match her shirt. After some searching, we found the perfect one. I was ringing her up and chatting with her, when she said,

"Can I ask, are you expecting?"

She put this weird emphasis on "expecting". Almost like she was saying, "Why the hell aren't you announcing this to the world? Why are you hiding this fact, you modest young thing? Don't you know this is the greatest thing that could ever possibly happen to you in your entire life? You should be shouting it from the hilltops, like Maria Von Trapp."

Needless to say, I was stunned speechless. For once. You could almost hear the needle on the record player being ripped off. I froze.

This is not happening. I am not being mistaken for a pregnant woman. I am not that fat.

I am not.

I am not.

I am not.

FUCK. Am I?

*several blinks on my behalf*

*several blinks on her behalf*

We sat there, blinking at each other, while she grimaced and awkwardly gathered up her things to leave, and I smoothed my shirt down, subconsciously ensuring that no pillow had magically appeared under my top. What. The. Fuck.

Well, of course, you know what happened next: The Voices all woke up and turned their heads in unison to look at this old lady. And then, they all had to get their two cents in.

"Oh, no she di-dant!!!" yelled Bitch Mode, complete with index-finger-waving hand gestures.

"You should ask her if she's senile! That'll shut her up!" said Sarcastic.

"Well, I've been telling you for months that you have to do something about this weight you've been putting on. What do you expect?" sniped Inner Mom Voice.

"Oh my gawd!! You're a COW!!!" shrieks Hormonal. She runs away to sob into her hands. Hormonal is such a drama queen.

"Well, the way you an CN have been acting lately, who knows? Maybe you are!" giggles Pervert.

Horny is in stitches. The two of them make randy hand gestures and proceed to take turns cracking each other up with their obscene double entendres. The peanut gallery is in full swing. Great.

I roll my eyes.

"You really picked out a great necklace for her. Very stylish. I think The Czarina would like it, too. Let's go see if there's another one," observed Space Cadet, who proceeded to wander off.

Good Point chimed in: "Dude, everyone and their mother knows that is something you NEVER ask, unless you are 200% positive the woman is pregnant. And THIS is why that rule exists! She just made a HUGE social faux pas!!"

"Hmmm...I wonder if there are earrings that match....." mused Space Cadet. "You could make a set...."

"What was that??? Pregnant? Who said that? Who said the 'P' word? OMG! We have to get to a drugstore NOW, people!!" said Panic, heartbeat racing.

Good Point calmed Panic down and then added, "Look, I bet she feels worse than you do, running all over town with a big, fat mouth like that. Assuming things about people. She has her foot in her mouth right now. She was embarrassed, you know you could tell."

"But baby-doll tops are IN right now!!!" protested Single Girl.

"Yeah! There's nothing wrong with ruffles and empire waist tops! They're feminine!" agreed Prisspot.

"Yeah, but in the past, tops like that have been reserved strictly for expectant mothers," explained Overly Analytical. "There's a generational gap at play, here. Your fashion taste, while good, is confusing to the elderly."

"Well, if that's the case, there should be Public Service Announcements about this issue," Nerd said. "The public needs to be aware. Maybe we could call our Congressmen..."

"Maybe she just thought you would be a really good mom, and she was hoping you were!" Stupidly Optimistic gushed. "Or maybe she had you confused with the other lady in this department who IS pregnant!"

Sarcastic and Cynical gave her a look. She shut up.

"Oh, this is just great. For the last three months, ever since you started buying those tops, you have been running around town, causing people to think 'Aw, she's having a baby! Isn't that wonderful?' I mean, who knows how many people have thinking that!" lectured Pessimistically Paranoid, pacing in a circle.

Oh Jeez. What if the next time someone made this mistake, they do it in front of CN??? Oh, the mortification!!! I pondered the thought of chucking all my new tops in the trash, as soon as I got home that night. Cheapskate vetoed this idea. Single Girl backed her up, as did Prisspot. Damn. What am I going to do about these shirts? Buy a bunch of belts??

I was jolted out of my thoughts by Pessimistically Paranoid's ranting.

"I mean, if you look pregnant now, what are you going to look like when you really ARE pregnant?" she lamented.

"Babies are nice..." Space Cadet said to herself absentmindedly, as she looked at a rack of earrings.

Bitch Mode and Hormonal were whispering to each other and picking up the phone.

"Hey, what are you doing?" asked Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Duh. We're calling security to tell them that there's an old lady who just stole a necklace here in the store," they replied, snickering.

Cynical snorted. "That'll teach her!" she laughed.

Luckily, Bitch Mode and Hormonal were stopped from carrying out their plan by Logical. Sometimes, I think she's the only adult Voice.

Confident was no where to be found. I learned later that she was busy, lobbying for more gym time and fresh veggies in the fridge. And for once, I think most of the Voices listened to her. Even Hormonal, who tried really hard to cry on the way home, but just couldn't. Fashion choices aside, perhaps this was a wake-up call.

"Gah, you are now officially fat enough to be confused with a pregnant woman!!" cried Hormonal.

"Or maybe it's just because you have huge tits, just like most pregnant women do!" said Pervert.

"Or maybe she's just a rude, ignorant old bag," chimed Good Point.

Good point, indeed. Pass the brownies, will ya?

Juggling

Well, so far, adding the part time job to my schedule hasn't been TOO much of an adjustment. The main thing I have noticed is that I haven't really been watching a lot of tv or reading. Which is fine. Cooking and cleaning have also taken a back seat. I haven't been able to keep the sink free of dirty dishes or fix anything more complicated than a sandwich. Which isn't great, but it's not the end of the world (I'm kind of anal-retentive about the cleanliness of my kitchen).

And I have found that knowing I won't be able to go to the gym every day has made me REALLY motivated to exercise whenever I can. I was so excited to go for a run on Sunday that I almost didn't want to go home! CN, Sammy and I were at the park for almost 2 hours!

Thanks to my lighter-than-usual schedule at Dildo's this week, I won't have to work until Friday this week, so I can hit the gym today, tomorrow and Thursday morning! WOOT!

I am a little worried about how my new schedule will impact my social life. I did manage to meet up with MJ last Saturday for dinner. (If you are a former reader of her blog, you may be interested to know that MJ is now a redhead, and it looks fantastic!) MJ was seriously stressed. I think that having 5-6 dogs at her house at any given time for the last year has started to take its toll. Between the potty training accidents, the dog barf, the vet appointments and the stray dog who is now in heat, it has been a zoo at "Casa de MJ". And I thought I was feeling frazzled, with my messy house, aching feet and lack of sleep.

Then MJ mentioned that she had told our friend Super that she would dog sit for her over Memorial Day weekend. This would mean 7 dogs at MJ's house. Eek. Seeing how stressed MJ was, I decided to volunteer my services as dog sitter for Super.

So I will have Super's dog for the weekend. Actually, make that an almost-week, since Super will be gone from tomorrow to Monday night. But it's all ok. I will be working a lot, but I am totally free on Sunday and most of Monday, so I can hang out with the dogs then. Sammy and Super's dog, Biggie, are both well-socialized, high energy dogs, so they will definitely entertain themselves.

CN and I were going to take a day trip on Sunday or Monday, but I can't bear the thought of MJ stuck with SEVEN dogs and being all stressed out while I am frolicking in Charleston or Asheville with my boyfriend. So CN and I are going to take Sammy and Biggie to a local state park or something, where we can hike, take a walk, go for a run (or whatever) and have a picnic with the dogs. It should be pretty fun. The weather is supposed to be perfect -- sunny, low 80s. Ahhhhh.......this time of year is so great in SC.

Now as long as I can remember to pay my bills, fold my laundry, take my trash out on Friday morning and pick up a few things I forgot at the grocery store......I should be good. I think.

*Prays to God to thank Him for her excellent memory and natural organization abilities.*

And it's only a matter of time until I start up with Big Brothers Big Sisters -- they have called all my references, so they are just waiting on my background check to come through. Soon, I will have to squeeze in some time for a little sis, but I'm so excited about it, I will find room in my schedule without a care.

I was hoping that doing all this extra work would keep me away from food, and I could possibly lose some weight from the stress/exhaustion/simple lack of time to eat......but so far, this has yet to happen. Hmm...maybe in a couple of weeks, when all of this starts to catch up to me. For the first month at Dildo's, you don't work Sundays, so right now, that is my only day off from working. Soon, I will be working 2 Sundays per month, which means I will have NO days off on those weeks. Ugh. Oh well. I need to just do it and make the best out of it. It will all pay off in the long run.

So far, I am juggling all these balls pretty well. I am getting a decent amount of sleep and even managed to do some laundry. I have a new appreciation for working mothers, single mothers, people who work 3 jobs and people who work and go to school at the same time. I honestly have no idea how they do it! Major props to them!

Notes from My Brain

Random, random list......this is what happens when nothing big happens, and I don't post for a week. Sorry, peeps.

1. Have I told you about my stalker here at work? Yeah. His name is Cleveland, and he stalks me. He tries to talk to me and ask me questions about my personal life. He has asked me for my phone number and if I have a boyfriend, etc. Needless to say, this is pretty awkward and not really welcome on my part. Not only do I have a boyfriend, but I would never date a student here at the school where I work, anyway -- it's just not a good thing to do professionally. Cleveland became so persistent that I had to tell him that my boyfriend would beat him up if he saw him talking to me. I also dropped heavy hints about my boyfriend's "temper", "weight-lifting" and "gun". It got so bad, that I began to wear a fake engagement ring to work, and walk to my car with other people.

He disappeared randomly and suddenly, last fall semester. I thought I was in the clear. Until this week: he requested me as a friend on myspace. It kind of freaked me out because my page is private, so there is little (if any) identifying information to be found by random people. He had to have sat there and hunted me down from some big list and remember what I look like. It kind of creeps me out. I denied the request and didn't reply to his drunken e-mail. I hope this will be the end of it. If he tries to talk to me again, I am going to call security. But part of me is freaking out a little, because what if he's a psycho and this will just royally piss him off??? Ugh.

2. It's official: I suck -- SUCK-- at dieting. At this point, I figure I might as well give up until after the cruise, because let's face it -- I'm not going to eat well while I'm on that boat. There will be a chocolate buffet, people. A chocolate buffet. Take a minute to imagine that. Yeah. I'm toast. This is in addition to the 24-hour pizza and ice cream station. So really, it's a lost cause. But I swear on all things sacred that I will go hard-core diet when I get back. I have to. Or else I will truly be a heifer. No, seriously -- it's starting to piss me off. There's no reason I can't lose at least 20 pounds. That is not even that much. I am being ridiculous, y'all. There's really no excuse.

I have been pretty good this week, after totally blowing my diet last weekend--more on that in a minute. Thank goodness I have very little junk food in the house right now. That helps a lot. I am still working out a lot, but not quite as much as I used to.

3. Speaking of last weekend, I went shopping with Barbie (aka the girl that Repo dated after me) and one of her friends. We had a good time, and I got some really cute stuff: a square-neck "going out" top in this color, an embroidered, tie-back, semi-see-through summery top in a pale dusty blue color, a cable-knit sweater for work in this color, a pair of jeans, a green/lavender/white-striped sundress and a new pair of black flats (old pair had been chewed by Toby). I also used my Sephora gift card from Xmas to buy some Nars blush. Thanks to some gift cards and great sales, I only ended up spending $100, including lunch at Steak n Shake.

Oh, how I miss S&S. We used to have one here in Columbia, but it closed down. They are my favorite burgers and shakes EVER, so I have been experiencing some withdrawals. My cheeseburger with pickles and half-chocolate/half-vanilla milkshake were so freaking delicious. It's kind of good that the closest one is an hour away from me. Or I really would be in serious diet trouble.

Although I had fun, I did get kind of annoyed hanging out with Barbie and her friend. They are both 23, and I had forgotten how immature 23 year-olds can be. I'm sure I was the same way when I was their age. So I was glad to get home at the end of the day, and away from all the drama and hyper-active ditziness. They are fun girls, but I need them in small doses.

4. I was supposed to get some Magic Hat beer for CN while I was in Charlotte. He loves it, and they don't sell it in SC. But I couldn't find any in the areas we were in. I felt really badly, because he was looking forward to it. So to make it up to him, I made him breakfast on Saturday morning: fried eggs, turkey bacon, sausage, french toast, hashbrowns and biscuits. He brought the orange juice and we had a feast!

By dinner time, I still felt like a lame girlfriend for letting him down, so I made him dinner, too: Chili Mac, which he had never had before. It's a dish popular in the midwest. You put spaghetti noodles on the bottom (NOT macaroni noodles, as some imposter recipes call for!), chili beef (which has been cooked with chili spices and beer) on top of that, then kidney beans, diced onions and lots of cheese. It is soooooooo good! It is very similar to Cincinnati-style chili, only I don't put cinnamon in it. But if you ever get the chance to try Skyline Chili or any other Cincy-style chili, you will love it! I know the cinnamon sounds weird, but trust me. Nothing beats this meal on a cold, rainy day.

5. I am still doing pretty well on the budgeting. But I can see the effects of the increasing gas prices: although I am buying the same things I buy every week, my Wal-Mart bill has been slowly creeping. All the stuff I used to buy for $50 is now more like $55-60. Ouch. In order not to de-rail all of my budgeting hard work so far, I am only bringing $200 with me on the cruise.

I figure, I have already paid for my ticket, which covers all my food. I don't drink alcohol. I will probably drink tap water for most of the cruise (I don't really drink sodas anymore). I don't gamble. I won't use their over-priced spa/salon. CN and I have decided not to spend any money on the $100-a-pop excursions. Instead, we are just going to find a beach and pop a squat. If we order sandwiches from room service before we get off the cruise ship in the morning, we can even avoid paying for lunch! The only things I am planning to spend money on include: half of the parking at the port and a few souvenirs. So I am thinking that I will be able to only end up spending about $150.

6. I am really excited about my upcoming orientation for Big Brothers Big Sisters. It will be in 3 weeks!!! I hope I do ok on the interview. I hope I like the little girl they pair me with. I hope she likes me! I was thinking of some fun activities we could do together. Here's what I've come up with so far:

take Sammy for a walk
bake a pie or cookies
color in a coloring book
play with Barbies
paint our fingernails and watch a movie (maybe a Disney princess movie??)
play a card game/board game
read books (I like reading books to kids)
go to a museum or the zoo

What do you think? If any of you (Becky!) have little girls, please share some fun ideas with me! I don't really know what kids are into these days. I'm worried she will be let down that I don't have any video games at my house.

7. I know a lot of you also read MJ's blog. Well, she doesn't really blog about her personal life anymore. She now does a dog-related blog. So that means, any dirt about her dating life will have to come from me. I would love to divulge some stuff for you, but I need to talk to her and see what she is ok with. I don't want to step on her toes. But I'll see what I can do.

8. CN and I just celebrated our 7 month anniversary. Hate to get all sappy on you, but it has been the happiest 7 months of my life. He is everything I have ever wanted or hoped for in a relationship. I honestly didn't think that men like him existed. And I know he must feel the same way, too, because he FINALLY dropped the "L" word a few weeks ago and gave me a key to his place. Aw.

Ok, more on next week's cruise coming up in tomorrow's post!!!

Bigs and Littles

Thank you, everyone, for the supportive comments on the last post. I just needed to vent, and if you can't vent on your blog, then where can you? I have decided to go back to my original plan of dieting via Weight Watchers. And on a side note, it ticks me off when their commercials say "Stop dieting, start living. Try Weight Watchers today!" because it IS a diet. Jeez louise, who do they think they are fooling? Any program that doesn't say, "Eat whatever the hell you want, any time you want!" IS A DIET.

Duh.

Where was I? Oh yes. Back to the old diet regime. I feel thinner already, actually. I have been super good for.......well, 48 hours. It's a start, right? And according to my scale this morning (I swear on carrot sticks I have not weighed myself since Saturday) I have lost a pound.

And I did a kick-ass workout last night at the gym. My trainer rocks. He somehow knows where the line between "push yourself so hard that you impress yourself" and "ok, this is just human torture" lies. I always leave his workouts proud of myself.

Then I ran two miles. YESSSSS.

Now that I am totally off-topic, I will discuss what I meant to discuss when I wrote that title above.

I am going to (hopefully) start volunteering for Big Brothers Big Sisters. I have been wanting to volunteer for a while now, because I'm starting to feel like my life is so self-absorbed and I'm really blessed. Now that I've lived in the Columbia area for 6 years, I'm really starting to feel like this is my community, so I want to give back. I have the time in my schedule. I knew that I wanted something really hands-on. Fundraising isn't really my thing. I toyed around with the idea of being a foster parent for a Boston Terrier Rescue. But I have enough pee on my carpet, and the closest organization is in NC. Then I thought about maybe working with recovering alcoholics, but I think that will be too real for me. Since I never went through a 12 Step Program and don't need to go to meetings, I don't know if I can relate to someone who has lost their spouse, job, house and kids to the bottle. I don't know if I have the ability to deal with a 3am phone call and talk someone down from going out and getting drunk. That is something I don't know if I can handle. But maybe one day, I will try that. For now, I want to start off small.

I'm never going to be one of those people who changes the world in a major way and has streets named after them or makes it into the history books, but I think I can be the person who will affect ONE person in a great way. That sounds like something I can do. I can't put a lot of good into the world, but I think I can put a lot of good into one person's life.

Plus, I love kids. Of any age, really.

And coloring. (From what I gather, there's a lot of coloring going on. WOOT)

So now, I am waiting for them to do the background check and talk to my references. Then I will have an interview, and then they will match me up with my "little". I didn't know this, but they try to match women up with girls and men with boys. They also try to match you with someone of the same race, which I think is interesting. I don't really see why those things matter. But whatever. I guess they know what they are doing.

Once I get matched (the parents of the child and I both have to agree to the match), I am supposed to spend a minimum of 4 hours per month with the child, for one year. Totally do-able.

I'm just worried that they will set me up with some kid who comes from a really crappy situation, and I will just burst into tears every time I look at her! I have a hard time dealing with crappy kid stories. I can picture it now--

Little Girl: Dude, you're crying again???

Me: *sniff* Yeah! I *sob* just can't believe *sniff* what you've been through!! For someone to do that to a child--

LG: It's not a big deal. I told you, I have been in this situation my whole life. It's not even a big deal to me anymore, although the shrink says that I'm permanently scarred, but what the hell does he know? The courts are working it all out. I'm gonna go to foster care and a ton of therapy. There's already a restraining order against --

Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Ok! Ok! I have an idea!! Why don't you just come and live at my house with me?? Huh? Isn't that a great idea???

LG: Ok, Virginia, we have already talked about this. No can do. I'm sorry.

Me: But...but....

LG: Ugh, I can't take this anymore. I'm going to ask for a re-assignment. You're an absurd person. What kind of role model are you, anyway? All you do is cry and ask me to live with you. I just want to color and watch Dora the Explorer. Why don't you just go steal a baby or something? Jeez lady, get a grip!

*she storms out*

*more crying on my part*

*LG gets restraining order against me for caring too much. BBBS reprimands me for becoming "unhealthily attached to child, to the point that the child experienced stress and needed even more therapy" and "recommends that I volunteer for another organization" due to my "extreme emotionality". *

Oh boy. There goes my overactive imagination...

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Well, I have been trying to exercise and eat better for 3 months now. Let's do a quick assessment.

The Good:
1. I can run 2 miles straight, without stopping. Sometimes I can even run faster than 5mph. (Shut up, I am a slow runner.)
2. I can do push-ups on my toes. About 12. Before, I could only do one.
3. CN makes comments about my "man arms" now, since my arms are bigger than his. Not that this was a major feat -- he's built like a 12 year old. But really, my arms don't even flap in the breeze much at all anymore. WOOT
4. Everything on my whole body is generally firmer and less jiggly. I have even noticed a difference in the amount of cellulite. CN has noticed my slightly firmer butt, too. YESSSS
5. I have gone up in all of my weights. In some cases, I have made huge jumps in my strength training.
6. My posture is better.
7. I have crazy energy and stamina now. And I sleep like a rock.
8. Warmer weather means I will want to go for lots of outside runs and eat more fruits and veggies -- warm weather makes me want lighter foods and more exercise, for some reason.
9. I have been going to the gym at LEAST 3 times a week, every week. Sometimes, as much as 5 or 6 times. This is far, far better than last fall, when I was going zero times. LOL

The Bad:
1. Not doing so hot on the diet front. I have good days....and I have bad days. Usually, the weekends are where I screw up.
2. While I am buying a higher percentage of healthy foods (hello, produce department!) and far fewer sweets, my portion control needs some work. And if something yummy happens to enter my house? Forget it -- I'll eat the whole thing in 2 days. There was a bad incident last week concerning some animal crackers....oops.
3. I am so starving after I work out that I basically eat all the calories I just burned off! Yeah, a lot of good that does!
4. I have been going to the gym about 4-5 times a week, which is great. But it's starting to feel like a job. I feel like I live there. Which pretty much zaps all the fun out of it. This always leads to me quitting the gym for several months, so I have GOT to find some exercise variety--and soon.
5. I am currently in the middle of a diet battle: Weight Watchers (which always works for me) vs. My Trainer, who thinks I should eat nothing but salmon, egg whites, protein shakes and broccoli. (WW, in case you are unfamiliar with it, is a low fat, low calorie, high fiber diet that doesn't give a rat's ass how much protein you eat. In fact, it can be difficult to eat a lot of protein on WW.)
6. WW kind of sucks if you like to cook, because it's difficult to know how well you are doing. WW is the perfect diet for someone who hates to cook -- it's super easy to do if you eat nothing but sandwiches and pre-made meals. I get tired of eating like that, and I love to cook, so sticking to WW has been hard lately. Especially when my trainer is pushing me to eat more meat, which is difficult to do on WW.
7. My trainer's diet sucks because it assumes the following:
A) I crave meat. Lots and lots of meat. In reality, I rarely crave meat at all.
B) I have an unlimited food budget -- hello! Salmon and protein powder are uber-expensive!!! C) I love eggs for breakfast and have gobs of time to cook them in the morning -- NOT! I don't even like eggs that much!
D) Protein shakes will take the place of meals for me. Yeah, right. Keep dreaming, buddy. It's just a fancier version of milk, as far as my appetite is concerned.
E) I have no concern for mercury poisoning from all of the salmon, tuna and other seafoods he's telling me to eat by the pound.

The Ugly:
I. Have. Not. Lost. A. Pound. (And yes, the optimists reading this are saying, "But you haven't gained! That's good!" To which I reply, "Thanks, but if you saw the SAME number on the scale EVERY week, after killing yourself at the gym, you'd be pretty annoyed, too.") I am not doing this for my health! Well, ok, yeah, I guess I am, but what I really want is to fit into my clothes! And lose this dumb belly pooch!! Aaaarrrgh.

This is really REALLY killing my motivation at this point. I will be the first to admit that I'm not the best at dieting, but I have been making a lot of progress: I have majorly cut back on my sugar intake and I limit my bad foods to the weekends -- I usually have about one or two "bad" things every weekend, which usually means dessert. I don't remember the last time I ate something fried. I have been eating more salads. I don't have a single full-fat dairy product in the house. I snack on fruit. I eat whole grains. I even stopped buying ice cream.

Yadda yadda.

Every time I step on the scale, and it shows the SAME stupid number it always does, I lose a little motivation. So after three months of it, I am rapidly approaching the "I just don't give a shit anymore" stage. Especially for the last 2 weeks. The word "frustrated" doesn't even begin to explain how I feel lately. I am thisclose to just completely throwing in the towel, and resigning myself to remaining overweight for the rest of my life.

It sure would help if I had some overweight friends. They are all skinny. (You'd think it would rub off on me, but it doesn't.) So I don't even have anyone to commiserate with. My fat ass and I stand alone. Argh.

I don't know if it's because I'm getting older and my metabolism has slowed to a snail's pace. Or if it's because I have illusions of grandeur when it comes to how well I'm doing in the diet/exercise department. I read an article the other day that said you cannot diet OR exercise. You have to do both to lose weight and keep it off.

I wouldn't mind turning into a total gym rat, because when it comes down to it, I enjoy exercising. But I refuse to be one of those diet robots like my mom, whose diet consists of a grand total of 5 foods, and she's starving all the time. I enjoy food, I always will. I'm not going to be one of those "salad with the fat free dressing on the side, please" women. That's not me. It never will be, because living like that would make me miserable. Being thin just isn't worth that to me.

To sum up:

My motivation is in the shitter. I am feeling hopeless at this point.

My budget is all screwed up, thanks to the expense of hiring a trainer and buying his trainer-approved foods. Which have yet to help me lose weight.

And my waistline is all screwed up, thanks to my average-at-best self control when it comes to food. And lack of cravings for anything outside of the Carb Family.

But I can beat you to a bloody pulp, so go leave me some kind, supportive and motivating comments right now. Do it! Or I will kick your ass!!!

Thanks for letting me bitch and whine. I think I'm just mad at myself for going to Wendy's yesterday and getting a frosty. I'm sure I'll be full of optimism tomorrow.

Thirteen is the Loneliest Number

One of CN's cousins passed away yesterday. :( He was about my age. The autopsy results are still pending, but it looks like it was similar to what happened to Heath Ledger. I guess he had the flu and took a whole bunch of stuff. CN will leave tomorrow (Friday) morning for the funeral in Alabama (that's where his mother's family is from) and won't be back until Sunday. I haven't talked to CN about it a whole lot, because you know, sometimes people don't want to talk about stuff like that. But he did say he's bummed about it. So I made him some cookies to cheer him up.

Meanwhile, MJ's battening down the hatches in preparation for her mother's visit. So she will be tied up with that this weekend.

KT has moved to New York state, so she is gone now.

That leaves me on my own this weekend. So let's think of some fun/productive ways to spend the Weekend of Me.

Thirteen Things to Do Alone This Weekend

1. Clean my house! Ugh, it has been gravely neglected.

2. Organize papers, finances, recipes, photographs, etc.

3. Paint my coffee table (a pale, metallic blue color), which I have been meaning to do since JULY.

4. Hang my curtains (lightweight, sheer white cotton) -- another project left over from July's major house decorating binge with The Czarina. She cannot believe I haven't finished these projects, but I tell her that she is my muse and inspiration and I lose all passion when she is not near. *snort!* But seriously, she gets me all excited about decorating, but when she leaves, it's like the air is let out of a balloon. Or whatever. You know what I mean. She makes it sound fun.

5. Speaking of home decorating, CN has gotten me hooked on this home makeover show called Clean House. Have you seen it? It's kind of cheesy, but somehow, I am addicted. I love the hostess, Niecy! I just saw this one episode where they re-did this woman's bedroom. They painted the walls this color (only slightly more purple-y) and then everything else -- and I mean everything else -- was white. It looked amazing. I can't wait to watch more episodes this weekend!

6. That reminds me....I have almost 2 weeks' worth of stuff on my DVR to watch....

7. And a Netflix movie to watch. It's a horror movie...I think it's about a girl who is possessed by the devil...I can't remember. And no, it's not The Exorcist.

8. Sammy needs a bath, BIG time. And a thorough brushing of the teeth. His breath could stun an ox right now. I'm not kidding. He woke me out of a dead sleep the other day. It is truly heinous.

9. My backyard? Totally disgusting. Weeds, pine straw strewn everywhere... not to mention untold amounts of dog poop. I am currently in denial about the abysmal state of my back yard. I really should get to that this weekend at some point. Shoot....E has my gardening gloves....note to self........

10. There is an IU game on this weekend, too. (Like how I keep coming up with excuses to watch tv? LOL) I should kill two birds with one stone and watch it while I run on a treadmill at the gym. On an unrelated note, I kicked ASS at the gym on Monday -- 2.5 miles of running, sometimes getting as fast as 6.5 mph!!! Go me! Oh, and that was after my hour-long weight lifting class. I paid for it with a quarter-sized blister on each foot. Ouch!

11. Finish reading the books I checked out about The Bahamas!!! 34 days until the cruise...we got our tickets in the mail this week! Woo Hoo!!

12. My friend Super and I have been talking about having a doggy play date. She has a Jack Russell terrier. I should give her a call. She and I have never really hung out on our own before.

13. Go for coffee with Repo's (now) ex-girlfriend. Yup. You read that correctly...Is your jaw dropping? Because it should be. If you need the back story because you're lost or have fuzzy recollections about all the old drama, look at my post from 2/1/07.

Tee hee, aren't I mean for not divulging juicy details? Ha ha!

Happy Overwhelmed Birthday!!

My birthday isn't until tomorrow, and I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have been for quite some time. I feel like I'm in the deep end and I'm drowning. I need a life preserver. I can handle it all, I just wish the ride would slow down a little bit, you know? I really need to catch up. Or a 28-hour day.

Between the dieting, exercising and budgeting (or, as I like to call it, "Fiscal Responsibility Awareness") alone, I have plenty to do. It's a shame I'm not getting paid to be at the gym, because I friggin live there. (The cool thing is, I am starting to see some changes in my body and my physical stamina! YAY!!!)

Add to that a normal list of errands I have to run and bills I have to pay. To make it really interesting, I changed insurance companies this week, so I have to cancel the old one, send the check for the new one...and something else I'm forgetting. (The upside? I saved about $300 on my car insurance! WOOT!!!) Going to the gym all the times means I have to do twice the laundry, too. I need to go to the bank....crap. Who knows what else I'm not even remembering!

Oh yeah! I should mail my Valentine's Day cards out. (Yes, you read that correctly. They are 2 weeks late.) [Insert guilt here.]

I need to buy a birthday present for KT. Preferably before her birthday.

Thanks to all the exercise, I need about 9 hours of sleep to feel rested now. This only cramps my schedule even further.

Also, when the termite guy came the other day, he found some 2x4s under my front porch that were supposed to be removed when they built my house. Until my builder comes to remove them, not only am I vulnerable to termite infestation, my termite bond is invalid. Commence nagging of builder. (Argh.)

And the fact that my house is filthy and I haven't spent any time with my dog in 2 weeks. [Insert guilt here.]

And the fact that a big project at work is due this week, and I have hardly any time to finish it. (And yes, I will confess, there MAY have been some procrastinating going on, which MAY have something to do with it!) [Insert more guilt here.]

And the fact that I was just notified first thing this morning that I am in charge of coordinating one of the biggest projects of the decade (literally) here at work. I will oversee the work of about 20 people. And I have no earthly idea how this project works, let alone how to oversee everything. Did I mention this was a nice big surprise at a crowded 8am meeting this morning? Yeah. No heads up on my massive new responsibility. But it certainly woke me up!

And the fact that I charged $934.26 to my American Express yesterday, which is great for my rewards points, but terrifying to think about for too long. (The cruise is official -- CN and I booked it yesterday!!!)

And I just realized that fat free vanilla yogurt mixed with chocolate protein powder only sounds good in theory.

So is it any wonder that when my friends all ask me, "So what do you want to do for your birthday???? Aren't you excited??!! It's tomorrow!! Let's go out! What do you want to do? Where do you want to eat? When do you want me to pick you up? What do you want me to get you for your birthday??? Huh? Huh?"

...all I want to reply is, "I want to sit on my couch and watch all the stuff I've taped over the past 2 weeks. Can you bring me some food, and then leave? Because I want to be alone, in my jammies and go to bed at 8:30. Or better yet, can we celebrate my birthday next month? I think I can pencil you in around....oh, March 22nd....and how do you feel about planning the whole thing, to the point where all I have to do is show up?"

I feel like saying, "Hi, Mr. Carnie. Can you stop the ride? I'd like to get off before I barf. Thanks."

Oh well. At least I'm not bored, right?

Listed Updates

Greetings, dear readers. I have typed and re-written this post 3 times this week, trying to make it more coherent. But I give up, partially because I think I'm getting sick. I do not feel well at all -- headache, queasy tummy, feeling out of it-- I think I'm going to go home and go to bed. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't have the flu, because it's going around hard-core in SC right now. But I really want to post before I leave, so I will just list everything here and now, despite its disorganization and randomness.

1. I paid my taxes yesterday morning. One less thing to worry about. Unfortunately, I didn't read your comments until yesterday afternoon, so I was not able to take everyone's advice and avoid H&R Block. But at least they are done now, and I know they are done correctly. Yes, it cost me an arm and a leg, and apparently I was doing everything correctly on TurboTax, because I'm getting exactly what TurboTax said I was going to get. But oh well. Now I know -- next year, use TurboTax. It turns out that my taxes aren't that complicated, and even I, Doofus Extraordinaire when it comes to financial matters, can figure it out. Chalk it up to a learning experience.

2. The good news? Now I have plenty of money for the cruise. The bad news? I probably won't be putting much any towards my credit card debt. $800 doesn't go too far. But it's ok. Now I will at least have a little cushion in my checking account. In theory. Looks like I just need to really stick to my budget. Eventually, it WILL pay off.

3. Speaking of budget stuff, I am under budget this month for gas, clothing ($0!!!), dining out AND groceries. Also, I spent $300 less overall this month than last month. So although I did spend money on my tax preparation, the personal trainer and my termite inspection, at least it won't hurt as much. I think budgeting money is like losing weight -- you have to be patient, because the hard work pays off down the road.

4. I bought some protein powder. My trainer told me I'm supposed to be eating more protein so that I can build more lean muscle. After looking at what I'm eating, I have come to realize I eat a TON of carbs. Granted, they are almost always whole grain and low fat, but I really am lacking in the protein department. I just don't really crave meat very often. Usually, my protein comes from dairy and beans, which don't have a whole lot of protein. I'm almost eating like a vegetarian on some days! So I bought some chocolate soy protein powder. I thought it would be gross, but it's actually really good! So that made me happy.

5. Well, it looks like Kelvin Sampson might be getting the boot. Nothing's finalized yet, but it doesn't look good for the basketball coach at my alma mater. Which really stinks, because it's the middle of a GREAT season for us!!! I'm hoping it will all work out. I'll probably post more about this as it develops, because I have more to say. I just don't feel well enough to ramble on and on about it right now.

6. CN told me my butt looks smaller. I decided to override the Automatic Female Response (AFR) of, "So, you're telling me that my ass used to be fat??!!" and decided to just take the compliment with some gratitude. He's so supportive. He knows I hate my butt. I don't know if he was just saying it to make me feel better or what, but I sure am glad to have someone cheering me on.

7. Although I didn't want to go, I dragged my (smaller?) butt to the gym Wednesday night. As long as I go on Saturday, too, that will make 3 weeks in a row that I've been to the gym at least 4 times. Go me!

8. My birthday is next week!!!! Yay!!! Although I will be 29 (EEEK!!), I can say that this is probably one of the happiest times of my life so far, even with all the money/weight loss stress. I have a lot to celebrate.

9. Oh! I almost forgot. Valentine's Day went really well. The meal I made for CN last Thursday was super yummy (the recipes are posted over on my cooking blog -- see sidebar.) and he really really liked it. Friday, he took me to a very expensive Italian place here in town (Ristorante Divino). Neither one of us had been before, and we really enjoyed it. The ambiance was great -- very romantic and intimate. The service was perfect -- our waiter never interrupted our conversation and never let our drinks get empty. The food was good, too. Their menu is pretty heavy on seafood, which is great for us, because we are both seafood lovers. Their dessert menu is one of the best I've ever seen -- chocolate bread pudding, walnut pie, chocolate cakes filled with molten peanut butter, creme brulee and something called an "almond crust", which was the owner's great-grandmother's recipe. It was topped with vanilla custard -- Mmmm!!!

I was a good girl and didn't order dessert, which I have to admit was very difficult.

CN gave me a bottle of perfume I'd been wanting. I brought home a sample a few weeks ago, and we both really liked it. It's called "The One" and it's made by Dolce & Gabbana -- ooh la la! So he did a really good job with Valentine's Day this year.

I got him a new travel case for his toiletries, because I'm broke. So my present kind of sucked in comparison. But, it turns out that he needed a new one pretty badly -- his old one was "covered in white mold or something", according to him. All together now: EWWWWWWW!!!!

A funny thing did happen on Valentine's Day. We gave each other cards, and we wrote pretty much the SAME super-sweet message to each other. How disgusting is that?? Cute, but gross.

10. Thank you, everyone for your awesome comments in the last post. You guys rock my socks. I really needed some cheering and encouragement, and y'all really helped me out. You might think it was no big deal, but it really did help me feel better! Thank you so much. Extremely motivating and helpful and supportive comments and advice!!! YAY readers!!! I feel a lot better, and I really appreciate the advice about taxes and money and stuff. :)

Ok, I'm going home so I can lie down. I feel like crap.

Conflict of Interest

These past few weeks have been a blur. I feel like all I have done is worked out and stressed out. The other day, CN said that maybe we should not go on the cruise at all, because it is stressing me out so much.

Maybe he's right. I have been so frustrated lately, and it's causing me a ton of stress. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to get all gung-ho about my New Year's Resolutions at the same time. Perhaps I should have tried to work on my budget OR my waistline -- not both. I am still interested in meeting my goals, but I find myself in constant conflict with reaching them.

You'd think these two goals would go hand-in-hand: eating at home usually means fewer calories and more money in the bank. Going for a run on a Saturday afternoon burns calories AND keeps you away from the mall. So yeah, in some situations, these two goals can play off of one another.

At other times, they are in direct conflict. Some examples...

What do you do when someone's parents (CN's, in particular) take you out to eat........and the menu consists of scarcely anything besides fried items? You can't say, "No thanks" or "Can we go somewhere else?" -- you HAVE to eat, because they invited you and they are paying. So I tried to order something that sounded healthy-- grilled shrimp with steamed veggies. When my food arrived, I found that "grilled" meant "drenched in oily sauce" and "steamed veggies" meant "butter-drenched veggies".

So I had a choice to make: eat on someone else's tab, which is good for my budget........or totally blow all my hard work at the gym that morning by eating this pool of oily shrimp and limp veggies.

I almost cried, you guys. It totally ruined my whole meal -- I picked at it, hardly eating anything. And I felt guilty, since they had invited me to eat with them and they were paying. I hate to waste food. Then I got home, and I was still hungry! Aaaarrrgh.

Budget: 1
Waistline: 0

Then, last night, I went to the gym to meet up with my new trainer. I had originally had a guy I will call "Biff". I don't like Biff. He doesn't listen, he won't give me straight answers to my questions, he flirts with the front desk girls when he's supposed to be working with me, he won't give me clear directions, and he contradicts himself. In short, he leaves me confused and frustrated, not to mention ticked off. So, when he told me last week that he was not my official trainer, and only my introductory trainer, I was relieved.

"Good," I thought. "Maybe now I can have a trainer who is actually worth the $40 an hour I'm shelling out, because you are pretty much worthless!"

Last night, I met my "official" trainer. I will call him Tee. I liked him immediately. He listened, gave clear instructions and one of the front desk girls told me he's a really good trainer. He told me that Biff put me with him because he gets results and I am a "highly motivated" client. This was all music to my ears.

Until he told me that he'd have me out of there in a half an hour.

Um....exsqueeze me?

Thanks to Biff's smooth talking, I didn't realize that I was signing up for two $40 half hour sessions per month, not two hourly sessions, as I had previously thought. Crap. I envisioned my bank account dwindling rapidly, like sand in an hourglass. I could feel my stomach cramping up, and not because of Tee's crunches.

So now, it seems that I have chosen my waistline over my budget, in this situation. Arggggh. Score tally:

Budget: 1
Waistline: 1

Then, I decided to play around with Turbo Tax, just to see what kind of a tax refund I could expect. Turbo Tax said "$987". Hmmmm. I was kind of hoping for at least $1,100. So instead of paying about $40 for Turbo Tax, I am going to go ahead and spring for H&R Block, which will charge me about $130. Am I possibly shooting myself in the foot? Yes. But do I trust myself to maximize my own deductions, even if it is with Turbo Tax's assistance? Um, no. Not with my abysmal understanding of money. I may not get more money back at the hands of H&R Block, but at least I know I'm preparing my taxes properly.

In order to have time to make the trip to H&R Block, I will more than likely have to skip a gym trip. Arrgh.

Tomorrow, the termite guy is coming to my house to do the annual termite bond. That will cost $150. And a trip to the gym -- he's like the cable guy, I have to be there all morning, hoping he will show up between 8-11am. So much for my 10am weight lifting class.

And Friday after work, I am getting the dead rat on top of my head tended to by my hairdresser. That will be an additional $150, and the gym will be closed by the time I'm done. (In my defense, I haven't had my hair done since before Thanksgiving, and if I don't do something quickly, I will soon look like one of those trailer-trash girls on COPS).

I got on the scale again yesterday. I have lost........maybe 2 pounds. I swear to all things holy, I am going to chuck that thing through my window before this is all over. I did get my body fat percentage re-calculated last night, and it showed that I have lost 0.2% body fat. Not awesome, but a small step in the right direction. My pants seem to be fitting a teeny tiny bit better, but it might just be my imagination.

My birthday is in one week (mark your calendars now -- ha!), and I can't think of anything fun to do that doesn't involve spending money or eating yummy fattening food. What I really want to do is shop all day in the outlet mall near Charlotte, and then hit The Cheesecake Factory for dinner on the way home. But that can't happen, because it will totally mess up everything I've been working for these past few weeks. Does anyone have a good idea for something that is fun and cheap and doesn't involve cake???

I'm starting to feel like I will never lose weight or get a grip on my spending. I know I'm an impatient person, but someone's gotta throw me a bone! I'm getting very discouraged. All this frustration and pressure I've put on myself is really causing me to stress out. I have the cruise looming over my head, and all I think about all day long is, "How will I pay for the cruise? I'm going to need at least $700. Where will I find the money for that when I was going to use my tax refund towards my credit card debt??? How will I look on the boat, standing next to the skinny girl going with us? I am going to eat too much food and I will be the fat girl in all the photos. How can I lose 10 pounds by then when I haven't even started losing yet???" -- It is looped in my brain, all day long. This is in addition to all the regular money stress and weight issues I was already having before this whole cruise idea came about. I can feel the anxiety building up inside me. I have had 2 emotional meltdowns in as many weeks, and I'm wondering if any of this is even worth it. Maybe CN is right. Maybe I should not go on the cruise because it is just too much right now.

Then again, maybe I should just shut up, get a Rx for Xanax, put my nose to the grindstone and quit whining. And cut myself some slack.

I know that's what I need to do. I just had to get all of this off my chest. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading this and allowing me to do so. :)

Ugh. I have a headache now.

Goal #2

If you didn't read about Goal #1, look at my last post.

Here is Goal #2: Lose weight and get in shape. I want to lose 40 pounds. I want to get back to a healthy BMI (I'm currently at 28.7 and anything over a 25 is considered "overweight"). And a healthy body fat percentage (I'm currently at 37.8% and I need to be no higher than 25%). I'd like to maybe enter a 5k. I want to be able to fit into everything in my closet, even the fantastic and expensive black cocktail dress I have, which I believe is a size 8. I want to look good in photos again. I am hoping to reach this one by the end of the year, too. Like the other goal, it is a lifestyle change. I need to stop looking at food and exercise the way I have been all my life.

Unlike Goal #1, which is a new concept to me, I already know how to reach Goal #2. I am really good at losing weight and getting in shape--I have already lost and re-gained this SAME 40 pounds twice already. :P

My problem isn't the knowledge, it's the motivation. That means I have to stop making excuses and stop the negative thoughts. I have to change the way I view food and exercise and their roles in my life. Instead of thinking, "I really want to eat chocolate cake! This sucks!" I have to think, "Chocolate cake tastes good, but it is empty calories and basically counter-acts all the hard work I did at the gym this week."

Like Goal #1, a lot of the same lessons apply here:
* Know your weakness and avoid it. Mine are brownies, Oreos, Doritos, candy, Cheez-its and fried chicken.
* Plan ahead and prioritize. This means not waiting too long in-between meals and building time into my schedule for exercise.
* Little things can add up. So every calorie, every trip to the gym counts. The good AND the bad.
*Knowledge is power. I recently had my body fat, BMI, BMR, blood pressure and weight calculated. Now I know where I stand, at least. And talk about a wake-up call!!!
* Don't be stupid. The gym charges me $44.50 per month, whether I go twice or 200 times. It is stupid not to make the best use of my membership.
* If you act like a child, you have to treat yourself like one. I am not good at putting the bag of food DOWN. So I just try to make sure the bag-o-goodies doesn't even get past my front door in the first place. And since I am not very good at behaving responsibly in all of this, I have hired a baby-sitter. (More on that later.)
* Try new ways to hold yourself accountable. I just signed up for a "Biggest Loser"-type contest here at work. I don't know if it will help motivate me, but I can try at least.
* Make time to learn how to better achieve your goal. I made an appointment with a personal trainer last Friday. Luckily, it was a FREE (my new favorite word!) service from my gym. I figured, it can't hurt. This guy knows a helluva lot more than I do when it comes to being in shape. And CN was right: Watching "The Biggest Loser" really does motivate and educate you!
* Find what works for you. I love this one weight-lifting class at my gym. And I love going for a run. Sometimes, getting excited about these activities is the only motivation I can muster. So I cling to them desperately as staples in my workout regimen.

So how is it going so far? Well, to be honest, I'm pretty discouraged at this point. I feel like I have been better about what I eat and how often I exercise, ever since January 1. But I have yet to lose a single pound.

Yeah. You read that correctly. I did have one day where it looked like I had lost 3, but that must have been water weight. I weighed myself yesterday -- no dice. I'm back to my original weight. Although, my pants are fitting a tiny bit better. And my stomach feels flatter. And I'm starting to get some muscle definition in my arms and legs. But these are all small differences, visible only to me. I haven't made any real progress yet. So I've been kind of bummed about it. I have moments where I honestly don't know if I can do this or not. Like, maybe I should just try to not gain any more weight, and leave it at that. My goals seem totally overwhelming most of the time. (Yes, I know I should not look at it like that, and that I should take it one day at a time, break my goals down into smaller ones and blah blah blah. But try telling me that when I'm on the scale and it reads the same weight AGAIN.)

What's really frustrating is that my body is adapting to the increase in exercise really well -- in just a month, I am back to being able to run 2 miles straight. I am lifting the same amount of weight (sometimes more) I was back when I was more in-shape. But that number on the scale just won't budge!! I'm having a pudge budge problem! LOL

CN has noticed that my motivation and excitement has waned lately. So we talked about it, because he is being super-supportive. He's like my conscience. Or my own personal trainer-coach.

CN pointed out that we do not eat healthily when we go to restaurants. Oops. He's right. I hadn't really thought about how one bad meal a week could derail all my hard work. And I admit, there are weeks when I only hit the gym twice. That doesn't do much good. So there is lots of room for improvement here. CN has been trying to encourage me and support me, and he's doing great. He's not making me feel fat or unattractive. He's not making me feel like my weight is important to him at all-- just my happiness and my health. He's just being super-supportive and reminds me of my long-term goals. He gives me tips and ideas all the time, without nagging me. He's also being a really good role model -- he's really good about what he eats. I could not ask for a better support system.

So this past week, I have been more motivated than usual. How am I doing?

Since February 3rd, I have worked out 6 times, including a rocked-out cardio workout on Tuesday (I ran 2 miles and walked 4!). I had that appointment with a personal trainer at my gym. And I joined the "Biggest Loser" contest here at work. I have 6 weeks to lose the most body fat percentage.

I even ate a *gasp* SALAD for lunch the other day! (Context: In the rankings of Unpleasant Things that VB Dreads, "salad" falls somewhere between "being mugged" and "pap smear".)

When I met up with the personal trainer (I will call him "Biff", because he is quite the stereotypical meathead!) last Friday, it felt really good to sort of take control of the situation. I was honest with him, I learned a lot, and Biff told me where I could be and how I can get there. Although it sounds like a TON of hard work and dedication, both in and out of the gym, I think I am up for it. I am obviously not good at doing this on my own. I need a baby-sitter. Someone who expects a lot of work from me. Someone who will hold me accountable. I'm tired of yo-yo-ing and I need to start thinking about my health. I need to make this a permanent lifestyle change. So when he offered to sign me up for a year's worth of personal training, I said without thinking, "Ok. Sign me up."

Me and my big fat mouth. Biff charges $40 an hour. And I signed up for twice-monthly sessions.

Ouch.

I'm trying not to think about it. I am having a very hard time justifying this to the Budget-Conscious VB. She is pretty upset with me for not taking some time to think about this before signing on the dotted line. Especially since Biff needed first and last month's fees up front.

Double ouch.

Readers, please tell me this is worth it. Because all I am thinking about is how this has totally effed up this month's budget. Argh.

But there is a silver lining: the cruise we are taking in April motivates me to work on BOTH goals. I want to have plenty of spending money in the Bahamas. I also want to look good in my bikini on the cruise ship. So I have been having thoughts like this:

"Do I want to buy these shoes, or do I want to go snorkeling in The Bahamas?"
"Yes, this push-up sucks, but it will all be worth it when that Caribbean breeze is blowing through your hair!"

I heard a mantra the other day: Progress, not perfection. I really like it, because it takes into account that we are not perfect. We are human. We aren't robots or machines. But that doesn't give us permission to screw around, either. So I think I can work with this.

Wish me luck.