Long-term readers of my blog are familiar with my verbosity, but I have a treat for anyone out there who might prefer that I include more visual aids to my posts. Today I have not one but 2 videos to illustrate this post.
This one explains where I got the title for the post.
Allow me to explain why I can relate to this clip so much.
I should have seen it coming. That was stupid of me. After what he did on New Year's Eve, I knew in the back of my head he'd do something again. But after two months of blissful dating, I let my guard down. And I paid for it.
For the first two months of this year, I was floating on air. MM was great! He was super into me, we really clicked, he was a great kisser and really fun to be around. He even wanted to be my Valentine and took me out to a really nice restaurant. I bragged to my mom about how how he always turned his cell phone off when he was with me and was always wholly focused on me when he was with me.
The thing was, something about him made me not trust him. Yes, the NYE stunt was part of that. But eventually I began to realize that
A) He was a little too good to be true. Any guy that seems to always tell you what you want to hear is bad news bears, in my experience. He seemed to look for reasons to tell me I was doing something "hot". Last time I checked, a girl watching football isn't "hot". She's just watching football. I think he was just trying to butter me up. He would text me during working hours, telling me he can't stop thinking about me. He told me that seeing me once a week was not enough and he definitely could see me every day. He would talk about taking vacations several months from now and "if we're still together, you're definitely coming with me!" Like an idiot, I lapped all this up like a hungry little puppy. This was my reward for being so forgiving after the NYE let down! This guy was all about me! Thank goodness I was open to giving him a second chance. He was obviously worth it. *mental pat on the back*
and the other thing bugging me, waaay in the back of my mind was....
B) I was not in any way, shape or form, being included in his life. After 2 months of dating, I had yet to meet any of his friends or anyone who knew him at all. And based on a phone conversation with his sister that I overheard, I could tell she didn't even know I existed. I was sitting right next to him when he said he was "just hanging out with a friend". Apparently, despite the fact that he'd seen me with some of my clothing removed and we made out all the time, I still only qualified as a friend. WTF.
Now, I am not a pushy kind of girl when it comes to dating. I am fairly patient with all the various stages of dating. But after 2 months, you don't feel the need to introduce me to anyone you know? Or at least tell people you're seeing someone? I was starting to feel like a secret. For all I knew, he could have some other girl or a girlfriend or who knows what else?! It began to bother me. I could wait on meeting family, but I can't even meet your 2 best guy friends? We can't even double date with them and their girlfriends? Your sister can't even know you're dating someone?
About a month ago, we went to Williamsburg and went to the outlet malls there. I was flattered that he decided to spend his whole day off with me. And you don't drive an hour out of town to spend the day shopping with someone if you don't really like them. I mean, this is something that couples do! We were definitely on the way to being a couple. I could feel it.
But he acted a little funny that day. He seemed really self-absorbed and preoccupied. For the first time, he was on his phone when he was with me. Something crazy at work. But what bothered me the most, I think, was that he was not affectionate with me at all. Come to think of it, he had never been publicly affectionate with me! I started to get annoyed after realizing all of this on the way home. I had made dinner, so he came over to eat with me, and we talked. I dropped a hint about feeling like a secret and wanting to meet his friends. He said that would be fun and we could do it on Saturday. Whew! That's a relief. See, it just hadn't occurred to him yet, that's all. He stayed at my house as late as he possibly could that night (yes, there was serious making-out -- I told you he's an excellent kisser!), and then kissed me good-bye and told me he hoped I would have a good day the next day. All perfectly normal.
I didn't hear from him the next day (a Tuesday), which was normal and fine. But by Thursday night, I was feeling anxious. I texted him. Turns out, he was sick. Ah, yes, of course. No worries. I asked him if he needed anything and he said no. I told him I hope he feels better and went to bed. The next day, I asked how he was feeling. He said he was better, but would probably have to work all weekend to make up some stuff from work. Guess that means hanging out with his friends on Saturday was out of the question. He said that was probably true, but he might be able to finish in time to still go out.
I didn't hear from him on Saturday. On Sunday morning, I log into facebook, and find that his buddies have posted all these pics of them hanging out together the night before. I was crushed.
After moping around most of the weekend, I went into work the next Monday. It also happened to be my birthday. MM texted me to ask how my weekend was. Seriously??! Why do men pull shit like this and then act like nothing is wrong? Do they think that a woman has the memory of a goldfish?
"Well, I'm having a good birthday so far," I replied.
"Oh, I'm such a bonehead! It is your birthday!" he replied.
Yes. It is my fucking birthday, you piece of shit. You are definitely a bonehead, I thought.
I didn't reply.
A few seconds later, he texted me again: "Did you defriend me on FB?"
"Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again," I replied.
He claimed to be shocked and confused, despite the fact that he had blown me off for a week. He said he didn't want to have this conversation on my birthday and that he'd call me later in the week. Fine. Whatever.
Two days later, he called and apologized, but the conversation was definitely tense. I was still pretty pissed off and hurt. We caught up briefly and he said he'd call me again later. And that was the last I've heard of him. Which brings me to video #2, an awesome song I just discovered (sorry, I'm probably the last person on Earth to discover this song, so bear with me!) -- this song pretty much captures exactly how I felt at the time:
Considering I am 33 and this is the first guy I have dated (heck, the first guy I have WANTED to date) in 2 and a half years, it was kind of a blow to me, I'm not gonna lie. I'm just now feeling like I am over him and it took me several tries to write this post. I've been running. A lot. I think I've lost about 10 pounds, actually. But I digress.
I'm just so mad at myself. I broke all my own rules:
1. Don't date a guy who is ok with disappointing you
2. Don't date a guy who makes you cry
3. Wait, wait, wait and wait some more to get nekkid with a guy. At least until you have girlfriend status and have met some of his friends.
4. If a guy tells you everything you want to hear, it's because he's blowing smoke up your ass and it's coming out through your empty, idiot head and into your ears.
5. Listen to your gut. My gut said, "Don't date him, you will regret it." I chose to ignore this particular loud-and-clear gut warning. Dumb, VB. Very dumb.
The part that hurt the most was the disappearing act. Right around my fricking birthday. At the age of 34, you'd think a guy could grow a pair and break things off quickly, honestly and humanely. But no. He pulled a stunt that no one had pulled on me since I was in my early 20s. When I realized this, that's when it all started to make sense: As a recent divorcee, he is starting to date again after being off the market for approximately 7 years. So emotionally, he's a frat boy. Which is why he basically hit it and quit it. I'm just one in what will probably be a long line of new toys for this boy. (Like the rhyming? Cuz I can keep going. No? Alright.) Glad I can be of service in helping you get over the fact that your ex-wife left you. I'm here to please. No really. My feelings don't matter. Just do whatever you want to me. Because I have s-u-c-k-e-r written in Sharpie, right across my forehead, apparently.
But let's talk about possible reasons his wife may have left him, shall we? Because this list made me feel waaaaaaay better once I put it together.
1. bad credit
2. baggage. Baggage for days and days. And I'm not just referring to his 2 kids and ex-wife. (I actually don't mind the kids, just for the record.)
3. beer gut (normally I don't mind that, but he should really hit the gym)
4. possible binge drinker (based strictly on his own descriptions of fb photos)
5. Well, I can't really put it any better than Lily Allen, so here's a song you can listen to which describes many of the things I am too nice to spell out directly to you. *ahem*
After my moping phase was done, I got to the point where I had to decide the extent to which I wanted him erased from my life. FB was already taken care of, thankfully, so I would be prevented from stalking. Then, I got a new phone, so all my old text message conversations are all gone. But do I delete the number, exposing myself to a surprise call from an unrecognizable number? Or do I keep it there, as a depressing reminder of yet another failed relationship, so at least if he calls, I will know not to answer? I could fight off the temptation if he ever called. At least I wouldn't get caught off guard.
Wait.
I had a better idea. I thought of a way to make sure I would not want to answer the phone if he called. I wouldn't want to answer because I would change his name into something that would remind me of why I have no interest in ever talking to him again. A genius moment, for sure. Every time I think about it, I grin like a fat kid at Baskin Robbins. I'll delete it entirely one day, but for now, I will enjoy the daydream of seeing his new name come up on my phone.
Tiny Penis.
Showing posts with label I am a moron. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I am a moron. Show all posts
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Homeward Bound
Interview was a little odd (they asked a couple of questions that were not typical questions). Not sure if I answered them all that well.
I was nervous, and forgot the names of the people interviewing me, so I was unable to send thank you notes to 3 of the 4 people. Luckily, the one name I did remember is the director of the museum library.
I had good feelings (but not great) about how I did.
Tried every day since then to not get my hopes up, dreading a rejection letter and being stuck here for another 6 months or something.
But all was for naught. I got the job!!!!!!!!!!
I start the Monday after Thanksgiving!!!!! I am SO EXCITED. But I think The Czarina may actually be more excited than I am. :)
More later....gotta run. Millions of things to do. Like tell my job I am quitting....they don't know yet! So those of you who know me on FB, keep this under wraps for the time being!
I was nervous, and forgot the names of the people interviewing me, so I was unable to send thank you notes to 3 of the 4 people. Luckily, the one name I did remember is the director of the museum library.
I had good feelings (but not great) about how I did.
Tried every day since then to not get my hopes up, dreading a rejection letter and being stuck here for another 6 months or something.
But all was for naught. I got the job!!!!!!!!!!
I start the Monday after Thanksgiving!!!!! I am SO EXCITED. But I think The Czarina may actually be more excited than I am. :)
More later....gotta run. Millions of things to do. Like tell my job I am quitting....they don't know yet! So those of you who know me on FB, keep this under wraps for the time being!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Hong Kong Report #1
Hi Readers! Sorry I am the worst blogger ever. This time of year is insanely busy for me (I've been working about 50 hour weeks since mid-September) and I just haven't been in a blogging mood. Don't take that personally. Anyway, I have all kinds of great Hong Kong trip photos and stories for you. To save time, I'm going to paste the emails I sent my coworkers while I was over there. But first, let's talk about the flight over there.
1. I flew from Savannah to Detroit, and barely made my international flight to Hong Kong! Running from the domestic flight area to the international flight area in the Detroit airport is not my idea of a good time. Especially when I suffer from what my mom calls "chronic train fever". I am always convinced I will miss my flight. Which, despite the logical and intellectual voices in my head, I believe is quite possibly the end of the world. (I have posted in the past about my total airport paranoia). Hey, I know no one likes a 4 hour layover, but a little more than 10 minutes would have been nice!
2. I pulled a classic inexperienced traveler mistake: I let the computer pick my seat. Which meant that my seat, for the 16+ hour flight.....was right next to the bathroom. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Can you say "total exhaustion"? Between the light in the bathroom, the smell of that blue liquid and the constant opening and shutting of the door, I didn't really sleep on the way over there. To make it even more fun, my seat was in front of the galley, so I could not recline my seat. "This is a free trip to Hong Kong. This is a free trip to Hong Kong," I kept repeating to myself, as I looked up the aisle and watched the people in first class recline on their BEDS.
My other big regret was ignoring my mother's advice to bring sleeping pills. Also dumb. I could have slept right through every disgusting meal, every swish of the toilet and all the ass-numbing boredom. Thank goodness for the individual TV screens, which give you essentially your own little mini-Netflix selection of tv shows and movies to watch on demand. HELLO this is the coolest thing ever. I watched so many movies. It really helped the time go by.
By movie #4, however, I was starting to climb the walls. You can only sit still and watch tv for so long before you need to DO something. I checked our time. Oh, great! Only 8 more hours of flight!
Crap!
It was the flight. That. Never. Ended. Seriously, y'all, the flight alone is enough to make you never want to go over there. It is interminable!!!! Plus, with all the time zone changes, I left Detroit at 1pm on Saturday, and arrived in Hong Kong at 8pm SUNDAY night. And you know what? It felt like I had been on a plane for 30+ hours.
Finally, we deplaned (very quickly, I might add. We were all ready to get the heck off that giant aluminum tube!). I went through customs (kinda scary cuz you know, they are technically Communist -- gulags! EEK!), exchanged some money, and then I went to get a cab. The first cabbie I talked to was perplexed when I showed him the address for my hotel. He didn't speak any English, so I started to get nervous -- what if he took me to Timbuktu? He showed the address to another cabbie, they chatted a bit, and then decided to swap passengers. The other guy apparently knew where my hotel was. WHEW. Upon first glance of Hong Kong, I thought: It's tall, like New York. But hilly and green like the Appalachian mountains. And all the buildings light up like Las Vegas. Cool.
I finally went to bed around 10:30pm, thinking I would have no problem sleeping until my alarm went off at 7pm. That is, until my eyes popped open at 4am. WTF??
The next morning, I was picked up at my hotel by X, the librarian we hired to run the library at our new Hong Kong campus. She's from the Beijing area, so she is bilingual and understands the culture much better than I. She can also read all the signs, which is very helpful. The problem is, she speaks Mandarin, but everyone in Hong Kong speaks Cantonese -- same written language, but pronunciation and grammar are different. I guess it's like putting someone from Southern Alabama into Long Island and expecting them to just start talking! It doesn't really work that way, apparently.
We rode the subway together (my favorite thing EVER) and went to work. I won't bore you with work details, but here's an email I sent my coworkers a couple of days later:
"I miss you guys. I am very homesick, although, I have to admit, I think it's more about missing familiar American food than anything else. It's only Wednesday, and I'm already sick of Asian food! All I want is Mexican. :P You know how some Asian restaurants in the US are kind of sketchy? That's how ALL of them are here. It is a big challenge to this picky eater. Everyone here at the [school I work for] building goes out to lunch together every day. The first day we went to an Italian restaurant, if you can believe it. I was laughing at the menu, because they served green curry. It was good food, but they used very little cheese or spices. A lot of the food is on the bland side, actually. Cantonese don't use a lot of spices in their food. Yesterday we went to a Shanghainese restaurant and it was very delicious. I took photos of all the food we got. You will be proud of me -- I ate eel! They love watermelon here, as well as those bubble teas (I haven't found one I like yet, but they are ok so far). There are 7-11s everywhere, full of weird snacks and candies and drinks. I'm having fun trying them.
If you have ever been to NYC, that is a good comparison to Hong Kong. Only the whole city is built on the side of a mountain, so there are steep hills and staircases everywhere. I have yet to see a building shorter than 7 stories. There are more skyscrapers here than anywhere else I have ever been. The weather is just like Savannah, and luckily, it hasn't rained really hard yet. Just afternoon drizzles. There are people EVERYWHERE. It's like Grand Central Station, especially at night. Lots of night owls. Which is weird, because all the stores close at 7pm. I guess they are all out eating??
Most people speak a little English, and most of the signs have both English and Cantonese here. X is frustrated because I know more Cantonese than she does! But parts of it are very similar to Mandarin, so she is getting by ok. She says hi.
I love the subway, and it's very easy to find your way around it. Public transportation is very cheap here -- I had a 45 minute taxi ride from the airport and it was less than $40! I sat next to a supermodel on the subway this morning. She had to be a supermodel -- she was over 6 ft tall and skinny and gorgeous. I wish I could play Sartorialist and take photos of the women here -- they are fantastic dressers! Very very stylish. But I haven't taken any photos because I think it may make them uncomfortable. "
Ok, y'all, I gotta run. More Hong Kong stories later!
1. I flew from Savannah to Detroit, and barely made my international flight to Hong Kong! Running from the domestic flight area to the international flight area in the Detroit airport is not my idea of a good time. Especially when I suffer from what my mom calls "chronic train fever". I am always convinced I will miss my flight. Which, despite the logical and intellectual voices in my head, I believe is quite possibly the end of the world. (I have posted in the past about my total airport paranoia). Hey, I know no one likes a 4 hour layover, but a little more than 10 minutes would have been nice!
2. I pulled a classic inexperienced traveler mistake: I let the computer pick my seat. Which meant that my seat, for the 16+ hour flight.....was right next to the bathroom. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Can you say "total exhaustion"? Between the light in the bathroom, the smell of that blue liquid and the constant opening and shutting of the door, I didn't really sleep on the way over there. To make it even more fun, my seat was in front of the galley, so I could not recline my seat. "This is a free trip to Hong Kong. This is a free trip to Hong Kong," I kept repeating to myself, as I looked up the aisle and watched the people in first class recline on their BEDS.
My other big regret was ignoring my mother's advice to bring sleeping pills. Also dumb. I could have slept right through every disgusting meal, every swish of the toilet and all the ass-numbing boredom. Thank goodness for the individual TV screens, which give you essentially your own little mini-Netflix selection of tv shows and movies to watch on demand. HELLO this is the coolest thing ever. I watched so many movies. It really helped the time go by.
By movie #4, however, I was starting to climb the walls. You can only sit still and watch tv for so long before you need to DO something. I checked our time. Oh, great! Only 8 more hours of flight!
Crap!
It was the flight. That. Never. Ended. Seriously, y'all, the flight alone is enough to make you never want to go over there. It is interminable!!!! Plus, with all the time zone changes, I left Detroit at 1pm on Saturday, and arrived in Hong Kong at 8pm SUNDAY night. And you know what? It felt like I had been on a plane for 30+ hours.
Finally, we deplaned (very quickly, I might add. We were all ready to get the heck off that giant aluminum tube!). I went through customs (kinda scary cuz you know, they are technically Communist -- gulags! EEK!), exchanged some money, and then I went to get a cab. The first cabbie I talked to was perplexed when I showed him the address for my hotel. He didn't speak any English, so I started to get nervous -- what if he took me to Timbuktu? He showed the address to another cabbie, they chatted a bit, and then decided to swap passengers. The other guy apparently knew where my hotel was. WHEW. Upon first glance of Hong Kong, I thought: It's tall, like New York. But hilly and green like the Appalachian mountains. And all the buildings light up like Las Vegas. Cool.
I finally went to bed around 10:30pm, thinking I would have no problem sleeping until my alarm went off at 7pm. That is, until my eyes popped open at 4am. WTF??
The next morning, I was picked up at my hotel by X, the librarian we hired to run the library at our new Hong Kong campus. She's from the Beijing area, so she is bilingual and understands the culture much better than I. She can also read all the signs, which is very helpful. The problem is, she speaks Mandarin, but everyone in Hong Kong speaks Cantonese -- same written language, but pronunciation and grammar are different. I guess it's like putting someone from Southern Alabama into Long Island and expecting them to just start talking! It doesn't really work that way, apparently.
We rode the subway together (my favorite thing EVER) and went to work. I won't bore you with work details, but here's an email I sent my coworkers a couple of days later:
"I miss you guys. I am very homesick, although, I have to admit, I think it's more about missing familiar American food than anything else. It's only Wednesday, and I'm already sick of Asian food! All I want is Mexican. :P You know how some Asian restaurants in the US are kind of sketchy? That's how ALL of them are here. It is a big challenge to this picky eater. Everyone here at the [school I work for] building goes out to lunch together every day. The first day we went to an Italian restaurant, if you can believe it. I was laughing at the menu, because they served green curry. It was good food, but they used very little cheese or spices. A lot of the food is on the bland side, actually. Cantonese don't use a lot of spices in their food. Yesterday we went to a Shanghainese restaurant and it was very delicious. I took photos of all the food we got. You will be proud of me -- I ate eel! They love watermelon here, as well as those bubble teas (I haven't found one I like yet, but they are ok so far). There are 7-11s everywhere, full of weird snacks and candies and drinks. I'm having fun trying them.
If you have ever been to NYC, that is a good comparison to Hong Kong. Only the whole city is built on the side of a mountain, so there are steep hills and staircases everywhere. I have yet to see a building shorter than 7 stories. There are more skyscrapers here than anywhere else I have ever been. The weather is just like Savannah, and luckily, it hasn't rained really hard yet. Just afternoon drizzles. There are people EVERYWHERE. It's like Grand Central Station, especially at night. Lots of night owls. Which is weird, because all the stores close at 7pm. I guess they are all out eating??
Most people speak a little English, and most of the signs have both English and Cantonese here. X is frustrated because I know more Cantonese than she does! But parts of it are very similar to Mandarin, so she is getting by ok. She says hi.
I love the subway, and it's very easy to find your way around it. Public transportation is very cheap here -- I had a 45 minute taxi ride from the airport and it was less than $40! I sat next to a supermodel on the subway this morning. She had to be a supermodel -- she was over 6 ft tall and skinny and gorgeous. I wish I could play Sartorialist and take photos of the women here -- they are fantastic dressers! Very very stylish. But I haven't taken any photos because I think it may make them uncomfortable. "
Ok, y'all, I gotta run. More Hong Kong stories later!
Friday, January 09, 2009
A Victory and a Mystery
I almost took that last post down. I got home that day and thought, "I can't believe I just wrote a post about a stupid lost water bottle. My blog has reached a new low."
But then you guys had such great ideas!!! My readers are so helpful! Thanks, everybody. I think I might order one of the Rose Parade ones...or whatever that was. I'm also going to go back to the store where CN bought it and plead with the manager to carry them again. It's worth a shot.
Besides, as you will soon see, THIS is the post which will take my blog to new lows.
I had a small victory this morning when getting ready for work. My 2 weeks of diet and exercise were all worth it when I put on a pair of jeans I could not wear a month ago! YAY!!! Go me! Little things like that really keep me motivated to continue. Because let me tell ya, I am having a hard time cutting out all the sweets I normally eat. I am trying to be more aware of what I'm eating, because I find that when I'm not actively thinking about what goes in my mouth, I usually eat too much or a bunch of crap. And I'm really pushing myself at the gym -- I ran about 3 miles the other day, which is something I haven't done since I was a teenager. I was really proud of that. I am not quite sure how much I've lost, but it's about 2-4 pounds. Definitely a step in the right direction!!!
As you can probably tell, I don't have a ton of things going on right now. But I did experience something totally disgusting yesterday. So if you're eating while reading, I suggest you stop. Also, don't read this before lunch or anything, because it just about killed my lunch appetite yesterday.
I tell people all the time, "I can't believe CN puts up with me." This statement is usually met with amazement, as most people don't know how weird and/or stupid I can be at times. Allow me to enlighten you, dear readers.
I was walking Sammy, just like I always do on my lunch break. I take him down our street and go behind our little neighborhood. It's basically an empty lot behind our street, so he is free to be a dog back there. There's a little clearing where Sammy likes to do #2. I was walking him back there, when I saw it: a piece of clothing on the ground.
"Hmm, that wasn't here when I walked Sammy this morning," I thought.
Then I realized this meant that our resident homeless guy was probably back. He comes and goes, but we always know when he's around because one of us will spot him or there will suddenly be a lot of trash in the empty lot. Which makes sense -- it's not like he has access to a trashcan. He hangs out in the woods beyond the empty lot. My elderly neighbors and CN tell me not to go behind our street during these times, but I think he's harmless, so I just don't go as far back as I normally would, just to be safe. If he wanted to do something, he would have done it by now-- asked for food or money. I think he just wants to be left alone, because I've never even laid eyes on the guy. I try to have sympathy for people in unfortunate circumstances like that. I don't want to just jump to stereotypes, because I think a lot of homeless people are addicts, mentally ill or just down on their luck-- they have real problems. I believe most homeless people mean no harm at all, and are usually just misunderstood. I don't like it when people assume they are criminals or evil. That's just not fair. It's only out of sheer luck that I'm not one of them, so I try to keep that in mind.
As Sammy is sniffing around and marking his territory, I am studying the piece of clothing. What is odd to me is that it looks like it has been ripped off of someone's body. It was just thrown on the ground, and I didn't want to touch it, so it was kind of difficult to tell what it was exactly. Nearby, I saw a (presumably) empty box of cigarettes.
And something else.
Oh. My. Is that....what I think it is??? Because if it is, that is....totally effing disgusting. Dear God!
Out of shock, I backed away from it and turned around and went back home, much to the irritation of Sammy, who possesses what must be an endless supply of pee.
I decided to get CN and take him with me to look at it again. I needed a second opinion. So after work, I hurried home before the sun set to drag him with me. "What is it?" he asked.
"Just come here. I want to show it to you. I'm not sure what it is," I replied.
I took him to the back lot, over to the little clearing where Sammy usually does his business. I pointed. "Is that what I think that is?" I asked. "Because if it is, that is totally incredible and disgusting. I mean, look at it! It's massive. And in one straight piece. I've never seen anything like it!"
"I can't believe you made me stop working to come over here and look at a giant piece of shit, VB," CN said.
"So it is shit, then?" I asked, stupidly. "Because I wasn't totally sure if it was human or not. It could be from a big dog. A really big dog. I thought maybe it was some kind of food or something. You know, all that rain we had, I thought maybe it was dissolving food that just looked like shit," I continued.
"I can't believe you. I'm going back inside. This is ridiculous," he said, turning around to leave.
"No! Wait! Do you think it's from the homeless guy?" I asked, grabbing his arm.
"Of course it's from the homeless guy!" he said, frustrated. "I mean, look -- that's his underwear right there!" CN pointed to the mysterious article of clothing I'd spotted earlier. Aha! It was a pair of ripped boxers! Mystery solved.
"But it looks like he literally ripped it off his body," I said.
"Well, by the looks of it, I don't think he had a lot of time to waste," CN chuckled.
"No kidding. I've never seen anything like it! I'm going to go get the camera and take a picture of it," I said.
CN promptly talked me out of this idea. But I do kind of wish I could share it with you. It was at least a foot long. And in a perfect line, not in a pile like you'd think it would be. Which makes me wonder if he sort of walked it out, if you get what I'm saying. Too graphic? If so, I apologize. But this was one amazing turd, y'all. And really, he was not far at all from some of my neighbors' windows. Someone could have easily seen him squatting. But come to think of it, that supports CN's theory that this guy didn't have time to waste.
And the other discarded things sort of tell a story. I bet he had a nice smoke, and then thought, "Uh. Oh." He was in such a hurry, he had to literally rip his clothes off before it was too late. WOW.
I continued rambling on about The Amazing Poo, and CN reprimanded me: "Look, keep it down. I'm sure he doesn't want us standing around, talking about his poo. He's probably watching us right now. Listen, I don't want you coming back here anymore, do you understand?"
I nodded, staring at my feet and feeling ashamed.
As if being homeless isn't enough, this guy has to deal with strangers discussing his poos.
But it is a pretty impressive turd.
But then you guys had such great ideas!!! My readers are so helpful! Thanks, everybody. I think I might order one of the Rose Parade ones...or whatever that was. I'm also going to go back to the store where CN bought it and plead with the manager to carry them again. It's worth a shot.
Besides, as you will soon see, THIS is the post which will take my blog to new lows.
I had a small victory this morning when getting ready for work. My 2 weeks of diet and exercise were all worth it when I put on a pair of jeans I could not wear a month ago! YAY!!! Go me! Little things like that really keep me motivated to continue. Because let me tell ya, I am having a hard time cutting out all the sweets I normally eat. I am trying to be more aware of what I'm eating, because I find that when I'm not actively thinking about what goes in my mouth, I usually eat too much or a bunch of crap. And I'm really pushing myself at the gym -- I ran about 3 miles the other day, which is something I haven't done since I was a teenager. I was really proud of that. I am not quite sure how much I've lost, but it's about 2-4 pounds. Definitely a step in the right direction!!!
As you can probably tell, I don't have a ton of things going on right now. But I did experience something totally disgusting yesterday. So if you're eating while reading, I suggest you stop. Also, don't read this before lunch or anything, because it just about killed my lunch appetite yesterday.
I tell people all the time, "I can't believe CN puts up with me." This statement is usually met with amazement, as most people don't know how weird and/or stupid I can be at times. Allow me to enlighten you, dear readers.
I was walking Sammy, just like I always do on my lunch break. I take him down our street and go behind our little neighborhood. It's basically an empty lot behind our street, so he is free to be a dog back there. There's a little clearing where Sammy likes to do #2. I was walking him back there, when I saw it: a piece of clothing on the ground.
"Hmm, that wasn't here when I walked Sammy this morning," I thought.
Then I realized this meant that our resident homeless guy was probably back. He comes and goes, but we always know when he's around because one of us will spot him or there will suddenly be a lot of trash in the empty lot. Which makes sense -- it's not like he has access to a trashcan. He hangs out in the woods beyond the empty lot. My elderly neighbors and CN tell me not to go behind our street during these times, but I think he's harmless, so I just don't go as far back as I normally would, just to be safe. If he wanted to do something, he would have done it by now-- asked for food or money. I think he just wants to be left alone, because I've never even laid eyes on the guy. I try to have sympathy for people in unfortunate circumstances like that. I don't want to just jump to stereotypes, because I think a lot of homeless people are addicts, mentally ill or just down on their luck-- they have real problems. I believe most homeless people mean no harm at all, and are usually just misunderstood. I don't like it when people assume they are criminals or evil. That's just not fair. It's only out of sheer luck that I'm not one of them, so I try to keep that in mind.
As Sammy is sniffing around and marking his territory, I am studying the piece of clothing. What is odd to me is that it looks like it has been ripped off of someone's body. It was just thrown on the ground, and I didn't want to touch it, so it was kind of difficult to tell what it was exactly. Nearby, I saw a (presumably) empty box of cigarettes.
And something else.
Oh. My. Is that....what I think it is??? Because if it is, that is....totally effing disgusting. Dear God!
Out of shock, I backed away from it and turned around and went back home, much to the irritation of Sammy, who possesses what must be an endless supply of pee.
I decided to get CN and take him with me to look at it again. I needed a second opinion. So after work, I hurried home before the sun set to drag him with me. "What is it?" he asked.
"Just come here. I want to show it to you. I'm not sure what it is," I replied.
I took him to the back lot, over to the little clearing where Sammy usually does his business. I pointed. "Is that what I think that is?" I asked. "Because if it is, that is totally incredible and disgusting. I mean, look at it! It's massive. And in one straight piece. I've never seen anything like it!"
"I can't believe you made me stop working to come over here and look at a giant piece of shit, VB," CN said.
"So it is shit, then?" I asked, stupidly. "Because I wasn't totally sure if it was human or not. It could be from a big dog. A really big dog. I thought maybe it was some kind of food or something. You know, all that rain we had, I thought maybe it was dissolving food that just looked like shit," I continued.
"I can't believe you. I'm going back inside. This is ridiculous," he said, turning around to leave.
"No! Wait! Do you think it's from the homeless guy?" I asked, grabbing his arm.
"Of course it's from the homeless guy!" he said, frustrated. "I mean, look -- that's his underwear right there!" CN pointed to the mysterious article of clothing I'd spotted earlier. Aha! It was a pair of ripped boxers! Mystery solved.
"But it looks like he literally ripped it off his body," I said.
"Well, by the looks of it, I don't think he had a lot of time to waste," CN chuckled.
"No kidding. I've never seen anything like it! I'm going to go get the camera and take a picture of it," I said.
CN promptly talked me out of this idea. But I do kind of wish I could share it with you. It was at least a foot long. And in a perfect line, not in a pile like you'd think it would be. Which makes me wonder if he sort of walked it out, if you get what I'm saying. Too graphic? If so, I apologize. But this was one amazing turd, y'all. And really, he was not far at all from some of my neighbors' windows. Someone could have easily seen him squatting. But come to think of it, that supports CN's theory that this guy didn't have time to waste.
And the other discarded things sort of tell a story. I bet he had a nice smoke, and then thought, "Uh. Oh." He was in such a hurry, he had to literally rip his clothes off before it was too late. WOW.
I continued rambling on about The Amazing Poo, and CN reprimanded me: "Look, keep it down. I'm sure he doesn't want us standing around, talking about his poo. He's probably watching us right now. Listen, I don't want you coming back here anymore, do you understand?"
I nodded, staring at my feet and feeling ashamed.
As if being homeless isn't enough, this guy has to deal with strangers discussing his poos.
But it is a pretty impressive turd.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The Stalker
I have mentioned my stalker before. See here and here.
If you look at the dates on those posts, you will see that he's been bothering me since at least March 2007. Thankfully, it has not been continuous because he doesn't attend school every semester. I had kind of forgotten about him, because he wasn't here for the spring semester or the summer. But now, he's back. Every Monday and Wednesday, when he's got classes, he camps out in the library pretty much all day long. (We have learned that his mom drops him off in the mornings and then picks him up when she gets off of work. So he doesn't have a car, which is GOOD.) When he's here, I have to strategically avoid him and hope that he won't follow me to my car. This is not a good working environment!!!
He came up to the desk the other night and asked if he could talk to me. (Unfortunately, I stupidly told him my first name a long time ago, before I knew he would give me the creeps.) My coworker informed him that I had left for the day. But he creeped her out so much that she emailed me about it. He gives everyone the creeps around here, but for some unknown reason, he has become fixated on me, especially. In addition to dealing with his creepiness (staring, lurking, hanging out for no apparent reason, smacking his lips incessantly), I have also had to endure personal questions about my boyfriend and love life. It's pretty evident that this guy has some screws loose, so in a way, I have some sympathy for him. Which is why I have, in the past, sugar-coated my responses to his nosy and inappropriate questions.
As you can probably guess, this only encouraged him. Despite my heavy hints to leave me alone, he still wants to talk to me. It culminated with him finding my myspace page last April and emailing me a bizarre email. Since he was not here at school at the time, I didn't worry about it too much. But I kept the email he sent me, just in case. (When he is not at school, I do not have to really worry about him, as he does not have a car and lives on the other side of town. So the good thing is, he cannot follow me home or anything like that.)
Fast forward to last week, when he asked my coworker if he could talk to me. After hearing that he's now bothering everyone, and not just me, I have decided that I have had enough. In addition to his creepiness, he has been confrontational with some of my coworkers in the past. He's got a mouth and isn't afraid to get mouthy whenever one of us asks him to be quiet or obey the library rules. My coworker and I were talking about his attitude and ultra-creepiness the next day when she reminded me that some criminal records are considered public information here in SC, and were therefore, online. So we looked him up.
Here's what we found: disorderly conduct, domestic violence (multiple offenses against his own mother), resisting arrest, driving on a suspended license and assaulting an officer. And he's spent some time in jail. His rap sheet goes back to 1998, when he was still in high school.
After reading that, I was officially freaked out. If it had been one minor offense, I would not have really worried about it. But to see multiple offenses, some of which are violent, really worried me. He has the ability to turn violent. Against anyone. This guy has a temper, and I know that stalkers do not deal well with rejection. Grrrrrrrrrreat.
I knew I had to do something. But what??? Going to the police and getting a restraining order would only make me a target for revenge. He would know I am the one who filed it. And he could come into the library and totally wig out and/or shoot me or something. Or ramp up his efforts to talk to me. (Stalkers often see restraining orders as challenges to overcome. Yes, I did some research. I'm a librarian -- what did you expect?)
CN wanted to come to campus and follow him into the men's room with a crowbar. I told him that would not be necessary. But I appreciated the thought. He offered a less-violent, more legal idea -- how about he just come to campus and talk to the stalker? I turned down this idea. The last thing I need is for CN to be a target, too.
I decided to go to the office here on campus that deals with problem students. That way, it would be the school that is making the complaint, and my name would not be involved. I was pretty sure that he'd been causing problems around campus, so I was thinking maybe my statement would be the straw that could break the camel's back. If enough people complained, they'd have to do something, right???
I met with one of the student services peeps and told him everything. I even brought a print-out of the strange email he had sent me. When I informed him of my stalker's rap sheet, he looked at me in amazement. "How did you know about all that?" he asked. I told him it was public information. He made some scribbles in his notes, I assume listing all his criminal offenses. He said his office is very familiar with this student and they are "keeping an eye on him", whatever that means. He told me that if all he's doing is being creepy, they can't really do anything. He had sympathy for me, but he's right -- it's not a crime to be a wierdo. I knew the student services office had their hands tied until I could prove my stalker refused to leave me alone or did something violent. Unfortunately, this is the world we live in. And I understand that. But I at least wanted it on record that I had made a complaint.
But he did tell me that this student does have some mental problems, and that as long as I am firm but respectful, I should have some success in getting him to leave me alone. The student services guy said that other people on campus have had success with this strategy. He told me to always keep my phone with me, no matter where I am on campus. He also told me to never walk to my car alone. He also advised me to write down every encounter I have with him, including the date and time and place and what was said, so that we can start keeping track of everything. Yes, I realize now that I should have been doing this all along, but I stupidly didn't take this guy seriously. Luckily, I have mentioned him in this blog, which will help me at least report how long it's been going on.
According to their records, he's never been violent on campus, just mouthy. "There's a first time for everything," I thought. So I informed him that the only reason I was talking to his office instead of the cops was because I didn't want my name on a restraining order. I didn't want to make myself a target. I also said that if he didn't have a violent criminal history, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. I had really wanted to go straight to police, to be honest.
Anyway, I am waiting to hear back from his office about what we can do. I told him I would like it if he was banned from the library entirely, if possible. And without my name specifically involved. Ideally, he would be kicked out of school! Until then, I have to just watch my back, be really firm with him and make myself more unavailable online. I am going to remove even more personally identifiying information on my myspace and facebook accounts. It can't hurt.
What makes me angry is that the whole office didnt' even know about his criminal record!!! You would think that after the Virginia Tech shootings, we would not have to deal with crap like this anymore! I mean, I know the school needs to make money via tuition, and I believe in privacy laws and giving people 2nd chances to turn their lives around, but at what cost? I'm not getting the impression this guy is interested in behaving himself or trying to overcome his bad past decisions. I think he's a potentially violent stalker who could flip at any moment and should not be allowed on campus. And I'm a little angry at how vulnerable my place of employment is leaving me. Who knows what other wack jobs are roaming around out here?! If I'm at risk, so are all of my coworkers. I hate that they basically wont' do anything until it's too late. That is a crappy policy. Have we learned nothing after Virginia Tech????
If you look at the dates on those posts, you will see that he's been bothering me since at least March 2007. Thankfully, it has not been continuous because he doesn't attend school every semester. I had kind of forgotten about him, because he wasn't here for the spring semester or the summer. But now, he's back. Every Monday and Wednesday, when he's got classes, he camps out in the library pretty much all day long. (We have learned that his mom drops him off in the mornings and then picks him up when she gets off of work. So he doesn't have a car, which is GOOD.) When he's here, I have to strategically avoid him and hope that he won't follow me to my car. This is not a good working environment!!!
He came up to the desk the other night and asked if he could talk to me. (Unfortunately, I stupidly told him my first name a long time ago, before I knew he would give me the creeps.) My coworker informed him that I had left for the day. But he creeped her out so much that she emailed me about it. He gives everyone the creeps around here, but for some unknown reason, he has become fixated on me, especially. In addition to dealing with his creepiness (staring, lurking, hanging out for no apparent reason, smacking his lips incessantly), I have also had to endure personal questions about my boyfriend and love life. It's pretty evident that this guy has some screws loose, so in a way, I have some sympathy for him. Which is why I have, in the past, sugar-coated my responses to his nosy and inappropriate questions.
As you can probably guess, this only encouraged him. Despite my heavy hints to leave me alone, he still wants to talk to me. It culminated with him finding my myspace page last April and emailing me a bizarre email. Since he was not here at school at the time, I didn't worry about it too much. But I kept the email he sent me, just in case. (When he is not at school, I do not have to really worry about him, as he does not have a car and lives on the other side of town. So the good thing is, he cannot follow me home or anything like that.)
Fast forward to last week, when he asked my coworker if he could talk to me. After hearing that he's now bothering everyone, and not just me, I have decided that I have had enough. In addition to his creepiness, he has been confrontational with some of my coworkers in the past. He's got a mouth and isn't afraid to get mouthy whenever one of us asks him to be quiet or obey the library rules. My coworker and I were talking about his attitude and ultra-creepiness the next day when she reminded me that some criminal records are considered public information here in SC, and were therefore, online. So we looked him up.
Here's what we found: disorderly conduct, domestic violence (multiple offenses against his own mother), resisting arrest, driving on a suspended license and assaulting an officer. And he's spent some time in jail. His rap sheet goes back to 1998, when he was still in high school.
After reading that, I was officially freaked out. If it had been one minor offense, I would not have really worried about it. But to see multiple offenses, some of which are violent, really worried me. He has the ability to turn violent. Against anyone. This guy has a temper, and I know that stalkers do not deal well with rejection. Grrrrrrrrrreat.
I knew I had to do something. But what??? Going to the police and getting a restraining order would only make me a target for revenge. He would know I am the one who filed it. And he could come into the library and totally wig out and/or shoot me or something. Or ramp up his efforts to talk to me. (Stalkers often see restraining orders as challenges to overcome. Yes, I did some research. I'm a librarian -- what did you expect?)
CN wanted to come to campus and follow him into the men's room with a crowbar. I told him that would not be necessary. But I appreciated the thought. He offered a less-violent, more legal idea -- how about he just come to campus and talk to the stalker? I turned down this idea. The last thing I need is for CN to be a target, too.
I decided to go to the office here on campus that deals with problem students. That way, it would be the school that is making the complaint, and my name would not be involved. I was pretty sure that he'd been causing problems around campus, so I was thinking maybe my statement would be the straw that could break the camel's back. If enough people complained, they'd have to do something, right???
I met with one of the student services peeps and told him everything. I even brought a print-out of the strange email he had sent me. When I informed him of my stalker's rap sheet, he looked at me in amazement. "How did you know about all that?" he asked. I told him it was public information. He made some scribbles in his notes, I assume listing all his criminal offenses. He said his office is very familiar with this student and they are "keeping an eye on him", whatever that means. He told me that if all he's doing is being creepy, they can't really do anything. He had sympathy for me, but he's right -- it's not a crime to be a wierdo. I knew the student services office had their hands tied until I could prove my stalker refused to leave me alone or did something violent. Unfortunately, this is the world we live in. And I understand that. But I at least wanted it on record that I had made a complaint.
But he did tell me that this student does have some mental problems, and that as long as I am firm but respectful, I should have some success in getting him to leave me alone. The student services guy said that other people on campus have had success with this strategy. He told me to always keep my phone with me, no matter where I am on campus. He also told me to never walk to my car alone. He also advised me to write down every encounter I have with him, including the date and time and place and what was said, so that we can start keeping track of everything. Yes, I realize now that I should have been doing this all along, but I stupidly didn't take this guy seriously. Luckily, I have mentioned him in this blog, which will help me at least report how long it's been going on.
According to their records, he's never been violent on campus, just mouthy. "There's a first time for everything," I thought. So I informed him that the only reason I was talking to his office instead of the cops was because I didn't want my name on a restraining order. I didn't want to make myself a target. I also said that if he didn't have a violent criminal history, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. I had really wanted to go straight to police, to be honest.
Anyway, I am waiting to hear back from his office about what we can do. I told him I would like it if he was banned from the library entirely, if possible. And without my name specifically involved. Ideally, he would be kicked out of school! Until then, I have to just watch my back, be really firm with him and make myself more unavailable online. I am going to remove even more personally identifiying information on my myspace and facebook accounts. It can't hurt.
What makes me angry is that the whole office didnt' even know about his criminal record!!! You would think that after the Virginia Tech shootings, we would not have to deal with crap like this anymore! I mean, I know the school needs to make money via tuition, and I believe in privacy laws and giving people 2nd chances to turn their lives around, but at what cost? I'm not getting the impression this guy is interested in behaving himself or trying to overcome his bad past decisions. I think he's a potentially violent stalker who could flip at any moment and should not be allowed on campus. And I'm a little angry at how vulnerable my place of employment is leaving me. Who knows what other wack jobs are roaming around out here?! If I'm at risk, so are all of my coworkers. I hate that they basically wont' do anything until it's too late. That is a crappy policy. Have we learned nothing after Virginia Tech????
Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday, Monday
Well, it's certainly Monday. Let's see. Where should I begin? I think I will ease into it with something funny.
I have told you how my little sister, Smurf, is a horrible driver. Well, despite a year's worth of practice, involving a learner's permit, driver's ed and much practicing with family members, she is no better today than she was the first time she got behind the wheel. Somehow, this did not stop the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles from issuing her a driver's license last month. Do not ask me how on earth she passed the driving test, but she did. So she got her license in mid-July. That was only a few weeks ago. She now has THREE tickets. She got them ALL on the same day: speeding, running a stop sign and driving on the wrong side of the road. "It was only for a second," she told me. "And there was no one else on the road." I told her that apparently, there was someone else on the road. She says she's learned her lesson, but I doubt that will be enough to convince the judge that he should not revoke her driver's license, which is probably what he will do. My poor mother and her insurance rates....yeesh.
This weekend, CN's dad had to go back to the hospital again. "Do you want to go with me to visit him?" CN asked me Saturday morning. I asked CN why he was in the hospital. CN was pretty vague. So I declined because...
1. The request was phrased in a way that made it seem optional.
2. It was my weekend off.
3. The hospital was an hour away.
4. I was having a dinner party that night for my girlfriends, and needed to prepare.
5. When my dad was sick, he was in the hospital a dozen times before things got serious.
By now, you have probably realized that "No" was the wrong answer. Unfortunately, I am not nearly as bright as my readers. Because I should have realized that CN isn't the kind of person who would say, "Look, I am really worried, and I really want you to come with me." Because if he had said that, then yes, I would have dropped everything and gone with him. But I am dense, and he downplays things, which leads to misunderstandings and people being upset. This is not the first time he has downplayed something important, and I was too stupid to figure it out.
By Sunday morning, he was pretty angry with me, and I could tell something was wrong. He told me I had really let him down and that he was really worried about his dad. I instantly felt like a candidate for Worst Girlfriend Ever, apologized and explained my reasoning to him. He agreed that he should have explained things better, and I canceled all my Sunday plans and went down with him to the hospital yesterday.
Not long after we got to the hospital, CN's mom took us to lunch, where she explained that CN's dad had been acting funny lately, which was part of the reason she had put him back in the hospital. She just had a hunch something wasn't right. So the doctor gave CN's dad a MRI (or was it a CT scan?) and we were waiting to hear the results. The doctor called when we got back from lunch. And the news was not good. CN's dad has prostate cancer that has metasticized all over his body. And the MRI showed that he now has lesions in his brain and they are bleeding. So he's being put back on radiation again today. It's not looking so hot. Because the doctors have actually had him on a break from the chemo/radiation treatments because his body can't really handle too much more. So I don't have a good feeling about all of this.
Obviously, I won't be skipping any more hospital visits, either. I am thinking I should maybe quit my Dildo's job, so I will have more free time to go with him to the hospital.
Then, at 2am last night, I was awakened by my roommate, E, again. She and her boyf broke up (again) and so instead of being at his house all the time, she's now at my house all the time. Which would be fine, except for the fact that she has insomnia, so she gets up all through the night, which wakes me up. She has woken me up just about every night for the last 2 weeks. It's getting old.
Anyway, at 2am last night, I awoke to the sound of her giggling. I got up to shut the door to my room, only to realize that there was a 2nd voice -- a man's voice -- giggling with her. In the shower.
"Great," I thought.
I was already upset about CN's dad and I had to get up early this morning for work. So I had a difficult time falling back asleep. I tossed and turned for at least an hour, furious at her inconsideration. When I got up this morning, I noticed that this random guy's car was still outside. This kind of annoyed me. I mean, if you want to hook up with random guys, fine. But do it on the weekend and make sure he's gone by the morning, you know?
I started to get ready for work, and as I'm getting ready, I hear my roommate quietly slip out and leave. That's unusual for her -- she usually asks me if her outfit looks okay every morning. And I didn't hear a man's footsteps following her. Hmmm.
I finished getting ready, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But when I went to leave, I saw that the random guy's car was still parked outside, and my roommate was gone!
I. Was. Furious.
I threw open the door to her room and woke up Mr. Random.
"You have to leave. Now." I said, fuming.
"Ok," he replied, groggily.
I just stood there, waiting, with my hand on my hip, as he shuffled around, trying to get dressed.
"Let's go! I'm late for work! I'm leaving and you can't be here!" I yelled.
"It's not what it looks like. E and I have known each other for years," he said, trying to explain.
"Yesss," I hissed. "But I don't know who the fuck you are, and this is MY house, so you have to get the fuck out of my house. NOW."
Apparently, I communicated my rage very clearly, because he left the house in nothing but his boxer shorts! He carried the rest of his stuff and didn't even put his shoes on fully! LOL
"Did you see his wiener?" CN asked me later.
"No. And he's lucky, because I would have ripped it off!!!" I replied.
E and I are going to have a loooooong chat this afternoon, when I get home from work.
Wow. I was a total bitch this weekend, huh?
I have told you how my little sister, Smurf, is a horrible driver. Well, despite a year's worth of practice, involving a learner's permit, driver's ed and much practicing with family members, she is no better today than she was the first time she got behind the wheel. Somehow, this did not stop the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles from issuing her a driver's license last month. Do not ask me how on earth she passed the driving test, but she did. So she got her license in mid-July. That was only a few weeks ago. She now has THREE tickets. She got them ALL on the same day: speeding, running a stop sign and driving on the wrong side of the road. "It was only for a second," she told me. "And there was no one else on the road." I told her that apparently, there was someone else on the road. She says she's learned her lesson, but I doubt that will be enough to convince the judge that he should not revoke her driver's license, which is probably what he will do. My poor mother and her insurance rates....yeesh.
This weekend, CN's dad had to go back to the hospital again. "Do you want to go with me to visit him?" CN asked me Saturday morning. I asked CN why he was in the hospital. CN was pretty vague. So I declined because...
1. The request was phrased in a way that made it seem optional.
2. It was my weekend off.
3. The hospital was an hour away.
4. I was having a dinner party that night for my girlfriends, and needed to prepare.
5. When my dad was sick, he was in the hospital a dozen times before things got serious.
By now, you have probably realized that "No" was the wrong answer. Unfortunately, I am not nearly as bright as my readers. Because I should have realized that CN isn't the kind of person who would say, "Look, I am really worried, and I really want you to come with me." Because if he had said that, then yes, I would have dropped everything and gone with him. But I am dense, and he downplays things, which leads to misunderstandings and people being upset. This is not the first time he has downplayed something important, and I was too stupid to figure it out.
By Sunday morning, he was pretty angry with me, and I could tell something was wrong. He told me I had really let him down and that he was really worried about his dad. I instantly felt like a candidate for Worst Girlfriend Ever, apologized and explained my reasoning to him. He agreed that he should have explained things better, and I canceled all my Sunday plans and went down with him to the hospital yesterday.
Not long after we got to the hospital, CN's mom took us to lunch, where she explained that CN's dad had been acting funny lately, which was part of the reason she had put him back in the hospital. She just had a hunch something wasn't right. So the doctor gave CN's dad a MRI (or was it a CT scan?) and we were waiting to hear the results. The doctor called when we got back from lunch. And the news was not good. CN's dad has prostate cancer that has metasticized all over his body. And the MRI showed that he now has lesions in his brain and they are bleeding. So he's being put back on radiation again today. It's not looking so hot. Because the doctors have actually had him on a break from the chemo/radiation treatments because his body can't really handle too much more. So I don't have a good feeling about all of this.
Obviously, I won't be skipping any more hospital visits, either. I am thinking I should maybe quit my Dildo's job, so I will have more free time to go with him to the hospital.
Then, at 2am last night, I was awakened by my roommate, E, again. She and her boyf broke up (again) and so instead of being at his house all the time, she's now at my house all the time. Which would be fine, except for the fact that she has insomnia, so she gets up all through the night, which wakes me up. She has woken me up just about every night for the last 2 weeks. It's getting old.
Anyway, at 2am last night, I awoke to the sound of her giggling. I got up to shut the door to my room, only to realize that there was a 2nd voice -- a man's voice -- giggling with her. In the shower.
"Great," I thought.
I was already upset about CN's dad and I had to get up early this morning for work. So I had a difficult time falling back asleep. I tossed and turned for at least an hour, furious at her inconsideration. When I got up this morning, I noticed that this random guy's car was still outside. This kind of annoyed me. I mean, if you want to hook up with random guys, fine. But do it on the weekend and make sure he's gone by the morning, you know?
I started to get ready for work, and as I'm getting ready, I hear my roommate quietly slip out and leave. That's unusual for her -- she usually asks me if her outfit looks okay every morning. And I didn't hear a man's footsteps following her. Hmmm.
I finished getting ready, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But when I went to leave, I saw that the random guy's car was still parked outside, and my roommate was gone!
I. Was. Furious.
I threw open the door to her room and woke up Mr. Random.
"You have to leave. Now." I said, fuming.
"Ok," he replied, groggily.
I just stood there, waiting, with my hand on my hip, as he shuffled around, trying to get dressed.
"Let's go! I'm late for work! I'm leaving and you can't be here!" I yelled.
"It's not what it looks like. E and I have known each other for years," he said, trying to explain.
"Yesss," I hissed. "But I don't know who the fuck you are, and this is MY house, so you have to get the fuck out of my house. NOW."
Apparently, I communicated my rage very clearly, because he left the house in nothing but his boxer shorts! He carried the rest of his stuff and didn't even put his shoes on fully! LOL
"Did you see his wiener?" CN asked me later.
"No. And he's lucky, because I would have ripped it off!!!" I replied.
E and I are going to have a loooooong chat this afternoon, when I get home from work.
Wow. I was a total bitch this weekend, huh?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Thursday 13
Holy cow, have I had some serious writers' block today. I have been trying to think of something for at least an hour now! But since I'm working so much, not a whole lot has been going on. And I didn't feel like whining about my lack of a life today. Plus, I'm tired, so it can't be anything too mentally involved. So this works pretty well, and I promise I won't be gross:
1. Left side of my jaw -- this is what happens when you play violin for 10 years. Please, warn your children now.
2. Upper back, on left (?) shoulder blade -- I had a mole removed when I was about 10. It was big, so there were stitches. A plastic surgeon was brought in to prevent a huge scar from forming. This was my mother's idea. She was worried about my wearing a backless prom dress. Nevermind that when I grew olders, I was never allowed to wear a backless anything...
3. Left shin -- A big, scary dog was barking at me. So I did what any 7 year old would do. I tried to climb up a bookcase to get away from it. I sorta hit the corner of an iron flower pot on the way up. Trauma ensued. Weird trivia fact: CN has a scar in the same place, and it looks JUST like mine.
4. Right forearm -- Burned my arm taking a giant cheesecake out of the oven. It was worth it.
5. Left elbow -- Bike wreck at my 8th birthday party. I had only recently learned how to ride a bike, and participating in a race on a looped gravel driveway seemed like a good idea. More trauma.
6. Left eyebrow -- I was a baby. Dad was babysitting me for the first time. The phone rang, and Dad left me on the bed, alone, while he went to answer it. I took this opportunity to fall off the bed, hitting a table on the way down. A couple inches difference, and I would have knocked out an eyeball. Needless to say, Dad didn't babysit me anymore after that. I now have a thin, horizontal scar which ended up working out really well -- it's perfectly aligned to where I tweeze my eyebrow!
7. Belly -- In addition to other places, this is where I have a prominent chicken pox scar. Unfortunately for me, I came down with the chicken pox just in time to miss Nikki Arnold's 8th birthday party. It was close to my own birthday, if I remember correctly. But I was more upset about missing Nikki's birthday party because she was the most popular girl in our class.
8. Left shin, just below the flower pot scar -- a terrifyingly loooong scar from what I like to call The Disposable Razor Incident. *shudders*
9. Left thigh -- In the 2nd grade, I had a stonewashed denim purse. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I kept a pencil in it. One day, as I was getting out of a car (or was it a bus? I can't remember) to go to school, the tip of the pencil had worked its way through the fabric and poked me in the thigh. You can still see the pencil lead in my leg!
10. My ass -- MRSA. If you really want the details, do a search for MRSA on this blog. I don't wanna talk about it.
11. My bottom lip -- Another baby story. I was holding a bottle in my mouth. I was busy walking around and didn't feel like using my hands to hold the bottle, so I just clamped down on the bottle nipple with my teeth to hold onto it. Aah! My hands were free to help me balance! Too bad it didn't work. I fell, face first. The lid on the bottle cut my bottom lip. I still have the semi-circle scar.
12. Fingers -- From a summer spent at the neighborhood pool when I was in middle school. I was trying to learn how to dive, but I kept scraping my fingers on the bottom of the pool, because I hated opening my eyes under water, so I could never actually see the bottom or sides of the pool. And in case you've forgotten: scrape + chlorine = ouch. I don't dive anymore.
13. Lower back -- A souvenir from Dr. Nazi, the evil dermatologist who removed a small mole from my lower back (yes, I am a moley person) without any local anesthetic. She basically melon-balled me. OUCH. I do not recommend. Definitely ask for the novocaine.
Now that I have just written this, it sounds eerily familiar. Have I already written this same post?? I don't know. I'm too tired to go look. If I did, I apologize.
Share some scar stories with me!! Nothing gross, please. Do you have any interesting scars?
Thirteen Scars on My Body
1. Left side of my jaw -- this is what happens when you play violin for 10 years. Please, warn your children now.
2. Upper back, on left (?) shoulder blade -- I had a mole removed when I was about 10. It was big, so there were stitches. A plastic surgeon was brought in to prevent a huge scar from forming. This was my mother's idea. She was worried about my wearing a backless prom dress. Nevermind that when I grew olders, I was never allowed to wear a backless anything...
3. Left shin -- A big, scary dog was barking at me. So I did what any 7 year old would do. I tried to climb up a bookcase to get away from it. I sorta hit the corner of an iron flower pot on the way up. Trauma ensued. Weird trivia fact: CN has a scar in the same place, and it looks JUST like mine.
4. Right forearm -- Burned my arm taking a giant cheesecake out of the oven. It was worth it.
5. Left elbow -- Bike wreck at my 8th birthday party. I had only recently learned how to ride a bike, and participating in a race on a looped gravel driveway seemed like a good idea. More trauma.
6. Left eyebrow -- I was a baby. Dad was babysitting me for the first time. The phone rang, and Dad left me on the bed, alone, while he went to answer it. I took this opportunity to fall off the bed, hitting a table on the way down. A couple inches difference, and I would have knocked out an eyeball. Needless to say, Dad didn't babysit me anymore after that. I now have a thin, horizontal scar which ended up working out really well -- it's perfectly aligned to where I tweeze my eyebrow!
7. Belly -- In addition to other places, this is where I have a prominent chicken pox scar. Unfortunately for me, I came down with the chicken pox just in time to miss Nikki Arnold's 8th birthday party. It was close to my own birthday, if I remember correctly. But I was more upset about missing Nikki's birthday party because she was the most popular girl in our class.
8. Left shin, just below the flower pot scar -- a terrifyingly loooong scar from what I like to call The Disposable Razor Incident. *shudders*
9. Left thigh -- In the 2nd grade, I had a stonewashed denim purse. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I kept a pencil in it. One day, as I was getting out of a car (or was it a bus? I can't remember) to go to school, the tip of the pencil had worked its way through the fabric and poked me in the thigh. You can still see the pencil lead in my leg!
10. My ass -- MRSA. If you really want the details, do a search for MRSA on this blog. I don't wanna talk about it.
11. My bottom lip -- Another baby story. I was holding a bottle in my mouth. I was busy walking around and didn't feel like using my hands to hold the bottle, so I just clamped down on the bottle nipple with my teeth to hold onto it. Aah! My hands were free to help me balance! Too bad it didn't work. I fell, face first. The lid on the bottle cut my bottom lip. I still have the semi-circle scar.
12. Fingers -- From a summer spent at the neighborhood pool when I was in middle school. I was trying to learn how to dive, but I kept scraping my fingers on the bottom of the pool, because I hated opening my eyes under water, so I could never actually see the bottom or sides of the pool. And in case you've forgotten: scrape + chlorine = ouch. I don't dive anymore.
13. Lower back -- A souvenir from Dr. Nazi, the evil dermatologist who removed a small mole from my lower back (yes, I am a moley person) without any local anesthetic. She basically melon-balled me. OUCH. I do not recommend. Definitely ask for the novocaine.
Now that I have just written this, it sounds eerily familiar. Have I already written this same post?? I don't know. I'm too tired to go look. If I did, I apologize.
Share some scar stories with me!! Nothing gross, please. Do you have any interesting scars?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wish Us Luck
Tomorrow morning, CN and I leave for Virginia to go visit The Czarina. And my little sister Smurf. And my younger brother Fungus. And a ton of other people. The only person he won't get to meet is Fat Dog, because he will be out of town, a groomsman in a good friend's wedding this weekend. Which is unfortunate, since Fat Dog is really fun and easy to be around.
We will be up in my hometown for four days. This Saturday is the annual BBQ held in honor of my dad's birthday. The Czarina has hosted it every year at her house since he passed away 3 years ago.
We have a big buffet of BBQ pork and all the fixin's. We have fireworks. There's lots of drinking and story telling. It's such a mix of people, too -- not just my immediate family, but all of our family friends...and everyone brings their kids.....and dogs......so I would say that the age range here is anything from 80-something down to newborn. But heavy on the 60+ crowd, all of whom are very conservative, highly educated, staunch Republicans. (I swear, most of them are fun after their 3rd scotch.)
I really look forward to this annual event. Good food, family, good friends, a nice summer evening in the country under the stars...what's not to love? Sounds like a great time, right?
Unfortunately, since I am someone my boyfriend describes as "always excited about something", I think I went a little overboard this time. When I invited him to go with me a few months back, our conversation went something like this:
VB: Ok, guess what!
CN: What.
VB: Every year! at the end of June! my mom throws a huge party! and everyone comes over! and eats BBQ! and drinks all day! and then we watch fireworks.
CN: Oh yeah?
VB: [growing excited] Yeah! And I thought it would be fun if you came with me this year! It's a huge party and it's so much fun! Everyone will be SO excited to meet you! [eyebrows raised expectantly] So....you wanna go?
CN: Sure, babe. How many people are we talking about?
VB: [slightly confused as to why that question is important] Oh, like a hundred or so. [switching back to the high-pitched excited voice] Anyway, my mom will be SO excited to meet you! And so will Smurf...and my brothers....hey! You wanna shoot guns with my brothers while we're up there? They love to do target practice! And you can meet Howard, and the P family and my mom's cousin, and...
CN: [I'm not sure, but I bet this was the point where his eyes started to glaze over.]
VB: [undaunted, I am now on to all the activities we can do on our long weekend in my hometown]...and I can show you where I went to elementary school! and we can visit the college where my dad used to teach! and I can show you this supercool store downtown! OH! and we can drive out to the old house where I grew up! It is so cool. It was built in 1840 and--
CN: [Stopping the verbal excitement gushing from my big mouth] Hey, hey, hey. Wait. Um, ok. That sounds cool. We can do that. It's just that based on what you've told me about your mom...
VB: Yeah, yeah. I know. My mom is Queen of Loaded Questions. I am a little worried she will chew you up and spit you out. Ugh, she can be so judgemental. And close-minded. And snooty. Sometimes. Hopefully, she won't be like that with you. She will love you. Maybe I can just answer her questions for you....
CN: That won't be necessary.
VB: OH! I have a great idea! Here's the thing. She will be running around like a chicken with her head cut off, because of the party. So she probably won't even have time to really have a major heart-to-heart with you! She'll probably talk to you for like, 30 minutes, and that will be it! Yay!
CN: Yay...? Ok. [He is laughing at me now]
VB: Oh! You know what would be really good? You should offer to help her get ready for the party. She will LOVE that. And remember, don't put your feet on the furniture, don't sleep in, and don't leave dirty dishes all over the place. Those are her pet peeves. But we can go all over this again in the car on the way up there. OOOH!!! I am so excited to introduce you to everyone!!! There are so many people who will just love to meet you!
CN: [giving a deer in headlights look] *gulp* How many people did you say were coming to this thing?
VB: [again, confused as to the relevancy of this question] Like a hundred. Maybe 75. But at least 50. It lasts all day and all night. Sometimes, people even come over for breakfast the next morning. Don't worry. I'll keep you away from all the people who only talk about politics. And the people who will ask nosy questions about our relationship. I need to remember not to wear any of those shirts that old people mistake for pregnancy clothes. Dear Lord, that's the last thing I need...OH! And before I forget, you will be sharing your room with 3 guys.
CN: [slightly panicky] Share? Three?
VB: Yeah. My mom's house only has three bedrooms. [with sympathy] Oh, I know, sweetie. I know how you can't sleep with strangers in the room, and you can't sleep through snoring. And just so you know, Fungus is kind of a night owl, so he will probably be in and out of the room all night...but you can bring your ear plugs and Tylenol PM, right? You should be fine with that, right?
CN: I hope so. Are you forgetting?
VB: Oh probably. Let me think...what else should I tell you...*thinks about how else to describe our trip to my hometown*
CN: No, I mean you are forgetting things. Like...I don't like parties.
VB: [quietly] Oh. Yeah. Right.
CN: Or lots of attention and fuss all over me.
VB: [even quieter] Oh. Ok.
CN: Or people.
VB: [whispering, at this point] Oh.
*I look at my lap*
*realization sets in*
VB: So, everything I just told you is...bad? And I just freaked you out?
CN: Pretty much.
VB: I'm sorry. Sometimes, I forget that you're not a social butterfly like me, babe. Crap. See, I forget about that stuff, because you always seem to enjoy going to parties with me. You had fun at Mr. Bill's. And at my Lasagna Night.
CN: Yeah, but I know you. And I know Mr. Bill. And your friends. Plus, there's beer. You are the one who gets excited about social interaction. I just get nervous.
VB: [excited expression returning to my face] So.....we should just get a lot of cold beer before showing up at my mom's?
CN: Yeah, that would probably be a good idea. Because right now, I'm really anxious and nervous, based on what you just told me. I will definitely need a beer upon arrival.
VB: Ok, we can do that. And if you need to get away, you can just tell people you have to walk Sammy! Or you have to find me! Or you have to pee! Ok? And I'll bring some Xanax, so let me know if you need one.
CN: Ok. I'll be fine. Just stop making a big deal out of everything.
VB: But babe, that's what I do. Duh.
Because of this conversation, and its subsequent additions (no, I can't help it), I have not brought up the trip home in the last 2 days, as a way to allow CN to relax and decompress before showtime. It's probably too late to convince him to relax, but it's better than nothing.
Meanwhile, my overactive imagination has been scheming up all sorts of horrible scenarios, many of which involve rudeness and screaming, leading to the resumption of my cigarette smoking. Gah. Just thinking about all of this right now makes me want to grab a pack on the way home, just to get warmed up.
The truth is, I have never brought home a boyfriend. Not like this. Not to stay for a weekend. And meet EVERYONE. So I have no idea how this is going to go. I guess if it goes horribly, I will have a good story to tell, right? Ugh.
Pray for me. And wish us luck.
We will be up in my hometown for four days. This Saturday is the annual BBQ held in honor of my dad's birthday. The Czarina has hosted it every year at her house since he passed away 3 years ago.
We have a big buffet of BBQ pork and all the fixin's. We have fireworks. There's lots of drinking and story telling. It's such a mix of people, too -- not just my immediate family, but all of our family friends...and everyone brings their kids.....and dogs......so I would say that the age range here is anything from 80-something down to newborn. But heavy on the 60+ crowd, all of whom are very conservative, highly educated, staunch Republicans. (I swear, most of them are fun after their 3rd scotch.)
I really look forward to this annual event. Good food, family, good friends, a nice summer evening in the country under the stars...what's not to love? Sounds like a great time, right?
Unfortunately, since I am someone my boyfriend describes as "always excited about something", I think I went a little overboard this time. When I invited him to go with me a few months back, our conversation went something like this:
VB: Ok, guess what!
CN: What.
VB: Every year! at the end of June! my mom throws a huge party! and everyone comes over! and eats BBQ! and drinks all day! and then we watch fireworks.
CN: Oh yeah?
VB: [growing excited] Yeah! And I thought it would be fun if you came with me this year! It's a huge party and it's so much fun! Everyone will be SO excited to meet you! [eyebrows raised expectantly] So....you wanna go?
CN: Sure, babe. How many people are we talking about?
VB: [slightly confused as to why that question is important] Oh, like a hundred or so. [switching back to the high-pitched excited voice] Anyway, my mom will be SO excited to meet you! And so will Smurf...and my brothers....hey! You wanna shoot guns with my brothers while we're up there? They love to do target practice! And you can meet Howard, and the P family and my mom's cousin, and...
CN: [I'm not sure, but I bet this was the point where his eyes started to glaze over.]
VB: [undaunted, I am now on to all the activities we can do on our long weekend in my hometown]...and I can show you where I went to elementary school! and we can visit the college where my dad used to teach! and I can show you this supercool store downtown! OH! and we can drive out to the old house where I grew up! It is so cool. It was built in 1840 and--
CN: [Stopping the verbal excitement gushing from my big mouth] Hey, hey, hey. Wait. Um, ok. That sounds cool. We can do that. It's just that based on what you've told me about your mom...
VB: Yeah, yeah. I know. My mom is Queen of Loaded Questions. I am a little worried she will chew you up and spit you out. Ugh, she can be so judgemental. And close-minded. And snooty. Sometimes. Hopefully, she won't be like that with you. She will love you. Maybe I can just answer her questions for you....
CN: That won't be necessary.
VB: OH! I have a great idea! Here's the thing. She will be running around like a chicken with her head cut off, because of the party. So she probably won't even have time to really have a major heart-to-heart with you! She'll probably talk to you for like, 30 minutes, and that will be it! Yay!
CN: Yay...? Ok. [He is laughing at me now]
VB: Oh! You know what would be really good? You should offer to help her get ready for the party. She will LOVE that. And remember, don't put your feet on the furniture, don't sleep in, and don't leave dirty dishes all over the place. Those are her pet peeves. But we can go all over this again in the car on the way up there. OOOH!!! I am so excited to introduce you to everyone!!! There are so many people who will just love to meet you!
CN: [giving a deer in headlights look] *gulp* How many people did you say were coming to this thing?
VB: [again, confused as to the relevancy of this question] Like a hundred. Maybe 75. But at least 50. It lasts all day and all night. Sometimes, people even come over for breakfast the next morning. Don't worry. I'll keep you away from all the people who only talk about politics. And the people who will ask nosy questions about our relationship. I need to remember not to wear any of those shirts that old people mistake for pregnancy clothes. Dear Lord, that's the last thing I need...OH! And before I forget, you will be sharing your room with 3 guys.
CN: [slightly panicky] Share? Three?
VB: Yeah. My mom's house only has three bedrooms. [with sympathy] Oh, I know, sweetie. I know how you can't sleep with strangers in the room, and you can't sleep through snoring. And just so you know, Fungus is kind of a night owl, so he will probably be in and out of the room all night...but you can bring your ear plugs and Tylenol PM, right? You should be fine with that, right?
CN: I hope so. Are you forgetting?
VB: Oh probably. Let me think...what else should I tell you...*thinks about how else to describe our trip to my hometown*
CN: No, I mean you are forgetting things. Like...I don't like parties.
VB: [quietly] Oh. Yeah. Right.
CN: Or lots of attention and fuss all over me.
VB: [even quieter] Oh. Ok.
CN: Or people.
VB: [whispering, at this point] Oh.
*I look at my lap*
*realization sets in*
VB: So, everything I just told you is...bad? And I just freaked you out?
CN: Pretty much.
VB: I'm sorry. Sometimes, I forget that you're not a social butterfly like me, babe. Crap. See, I forget about that stuff, because you always seem to enjoy going to parties with me. You had fun at Mr. Bill's. And at my Lasagna Night.
CN: Yeah, but I know you. And I know Mr. Bill. And your friends. Plus, there's beer. You are the one who gets excited about social interaction. I just get nervous.
VB: [excited expression returning to my face] So.....we should just get a lot of cold beer before showing up at my mom's?
CN: Yeah, that would probably be a good idea. Because right now, I'm really anxious and nervous, based on what you just told me. I will definitely need a beer upon arrival.
VB: Ok, we can do that. And if you need to get away, you can just tell people you have to walk Sammy! Or you have to find me! Or you have to pee! Ok? And I'll bring some Xanax, so let me know if you need one.
CN: Ok. I'll be fine. Just stop making a big deal out of everything.
VB: But babe, that's what I do. Duh.
Because of this conversation, and its subsequent additions (no, I can't help it), I have not brought up the trip home in the last 2 days, as a way to allow CN to relax and decompress before showtime. It's probably too late to convince him to relax, but it's better than nothing.
Meanwhile, my overactive imagination has been scheming up all sorts of horrible scenarios, many of which involve rudeness and screaming, leading to the resumption of my cigarette smoking. Gah. Just thinking about all of this right now makes me want to grab a pack on the way home, just to get warmed up.
The truth is, I have never brought home a boyfriend. Not like this. Not to stay for a weekend. And meet EVERYONE. So I have no idea how this is going to go. I guess if it goes horribly, I will have a good story to tell, right? Ugh.
Pray for me. And wish us luck.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Goal #1
I know I haven't been blogging a lot, guys. But things are pretty calm around here, lately. CN is great. My friends are great (except that I miss KT). My job is busier than usual (which is actually a good thing, trust me!). Even Sammy is great.
So what have I been doing with my free time? Where have I been? Working towards my goals. I have come to the realization that unless you put a date and a number on a goal, there's hardly any point in starting it in the first place. Otherwise, how do you know when you've reached it? So here is my first goal:
GOAL #1:I want to work out a monthly budget I can live with and stick to. I want to learn how to make my money work for me instead of against me. By the end of the year, I want to pay off at least $1,000 in credit card debt AND save at least $1,000 in my savings account. As a short-term goal, I do not want to use my credit card to pay for my cruise (which will be a minimum of $500). I am tired of being stressed out about money. I am tired of saying that I am not good with money. I am tired of panicking about money. It's time for an overhaul in the way I think about money and spending.
And now that I have just spilled all of this on my blog, I am hoping that it will make me more accountable and the potential humiliation of not reaching my goals will motivate me further!
So what am I doing to reach Goal #1? What have I learned so far?
*I have Microsoft Money on my computer, and I'm learning how to use it. It is making me really think about all the different ways I spend money. It's more than just thinking about your last spree at the mall. (Yes, I am that dumb with money! I just assume my financial woes are a result of the mall!) I have kept every single receipt since January 17th, and I've been calculating where my money goes. To the penny. Complete with pie charts. It has been very enlightening!
Lesson: Ignorance is not bliss. Knowledge is power.
*It turns out, most of it is going in my mouth. Yeah. My grocery bills? Totally out of control! I think that since you HAVE to eat, I have been letting myself go crazy at Wal-Mart. That was how I would justify it. I was basically letting myself get whatever I wanted. So now, I am limited to ONE trip a week, and I cannot spend more than $50. This includes things like shampoo, toothpaste, Windex, etc. So I am forcing myself to prioritize and plan ahead. Like a real grown-up! So far, so good -- I came in $2.33 under budget for groceries this week! Not great, but it's a start.
Lesson: Planning ahead and prioritizing can help you save money. Also, give yourself credit, even for reaching small goals.
*I also realized that Target, as much as I love it, is budget suicide for me. Target is to my budget as brownies are to my diet. It is physically impossible for me to spend less than $35 whenever I walk through the door, just like it is impossible for me to say "no" to a brownie. So you know what? I haven't been to Target. In a MONTH. Yeah. I think that is a record. The longer I'm away from Target, the fewer reasons I can find to go back. And since I hate making a special trip to any store just to get one item, I don't know when I'll go to Target again!
Lesson: Know your weakness and avoid it.
*I canceled my garbage service. I live close enough to the public dump that I can take my garbage there myself. (Reality: CN will probably end up taking it to the dump for me, because he rocks like that.) This will save me about $13 a month.
Lesson: Unnecessary expenses can be more than just dining out and shopping. Look for less-obvious ways to cut your budget. Also, every penny counts.
*Thanks to my newer, more fuel-efficient car, I am already saving money on gas. I have gone from spending about $40 a week to about $28 every ten days. Woo hoo!!
Lesson: Um....buy a more fuel-efficient car, I guess.
*Since my 0% interest rate on my Visa just ended, I am going to transfer the balance (along with the balance on my American Express) to a new one. It has 0% interest until March 2009. Then, I can watch that balance drop!!!
Lesson: Don't be stupid. Interest rates do not benefit you in any way whatsoever. Stop pretending they don't exist, and do something about it.
*I'm going to my bank to tell them to start taking $50 out of my paycheck every month and putting it into savings for me.
Lesson: If you are dumb with money, find people who can save it for you. If you behave like a child, you have to treat yourself like one.
*I am thinking about putting all my spending money into cash every month. That way, it will feel more "real" than just swiping a piece of plastic. Any leftover will go into savings. In theory. But first, I have to figure out exactly how much spending money I have to start with. That's where the Money program comes in.
Lesson: Always try for new, responsible ways to hold yourself accountable. Keep trying new things until you find something that works for you.
* Now, if only I could find the time to really sit down and get the stupid Microsoft Money software to work. I am having trouble with some of the features. I got a how-to book. It's just a matter of finding the time to sit down and learn the software better.
Lesson: Make time to learn how to reach your goals. You have to prioritize them or else you will never meet them.
*Before anyone jumps in with recommendations for Quicken and how awesome it is, let me just state this: Money was already installed on my computer, so it was free. And since "free" is my new favorite word, I am not going to worry about Quicken right now.
Lesson: "Free" is usually better when it comes to financial matters.
Instead, I will look forward to paying my taxes and getting my big phatty refund!!! Word on the streets is that we are getting property tax refunds, too, so I might get more money on top of my tax refund. WOOT!!! I will put the tax refund towards my credit card debt and the property tax refund towards my cruise.
Lesson: Buying a house will actually MAKE you money in the long run. Also, do not blow your tax refunds on crap. Utilize the windfall in a way that will benefit your overall financial situation.
Alright. So that is my progress on the Money Goal. I still have a looooong way to go, but so far, so good. I'm kind of proud of myself already. It feels good just to grab the reins and take control, you know?
Do you have any budget/money advice for me? Do you have any ideas? Opinions? Tales of Warning? Please share! I need help, obviously...
Stay tuned for Goal #2....
So what have I been doing with my free time? Where have I been? Working towards my goals. I have come to the realization that unless you put a date and a number on a goal, there's hardly any point in starting it in the first place. Otherwise, how do you know when you've reached it? So here is my first goal:
GOAL #1:I want to work out a monthly budget I can live with and stick to. I want to learn how to make my money work for me instead of against me. By the end of the year, I want to pay off at least $1,000 in credit card debt AND save at least $1,000 in my savings account. As a short-term goal, I do not want to use my credit card to pay for my cruise (which will be a minimum of $500). I am tired of being stressed out about money. I am tired of saying that I am not good with money. I am tired of panicking about money. It's time for an overhaul in the way I think about money and spending.
And now that I have just spilled all of this on my blog, I am hoping that it will make me more accountable and the potential humiliation of not reaching my goals will motivate me further!
So what am I doing to reach Goal #1? What have I learned so far?
*I have Microsoft Money on my computer, and I'm learning how to use it. It is making me really think about all the different ways I spend money. It's more than just thinking about your last spree at the mall. (Yes, I am that dumb with money! I just assume my financial woes are a result of the mall!) I have kept every single receipt since January 17th, and I've been calculating where my money goes. To the penny. Complete with pie charts. It has been very enlightening!
Lesson: Ignorance is not bliss. Knowledge is power.
*It turns out, most of it is going in my mouth. Yeah. My grocery bills? Totally out of control! I think that since you HAVE to eat, I have been letting myself go crazy at Wal-Mart. That was how I would justify it. I was basically letting myself get whatever I wanted. So now, I am limited to ONE trip a week, and I cannot spend more than $50. This includes things like shampoo, toothpaste, Windex, etc. So I am forcing myself to prioritize and plan ahead. Like a real grown-up! So far, so good -- I came in $2.33 under budget for groceries this week! Not great, but it's a start.
Lesson: Planning ahead and prioritizing can help you save money. Also, give yourself credit, even for reaching small goals.
*I also realized that Target, as much as I love it, is budget suicide for me. Target is to my budget as brownies are to my diet. It is physically impossible for me to spend less than $35 whenever I walk through the door, just like it is impossible for me to say "no" to a brownie. So you know what? I haven't been to Target. In a MONTH. Yeah. I think that is a record. The longer I'm away from Target, the fewer reasons I can find to go back. And since I hate making a special trip to any store just to get one item, I don't know when I'll go to Target again!
Lesson: Know your weakness and avoid it.
*I canceled my garbage service. I live close enough to the public dump that I can take my garbage there myself. (Reality: CN will probably end up taking it to the dump for me, because he rocks like that.) This will save me about $13 a month.
Lesson: Unnecessary expenses can be more than just dining out and shopping. Look for less-obvious ways to cut your budget. Also, every penny counts.
*Thanks to my newer, more fuel-efficient car, I am already saving money on gas. I have gone from spending about $40 a week to about $28 every ten days. Woo hoo!!
Lesson: Um....buy a more fuel-efficient car, I guess.
*Since my 0% interest rate on my Visa just ended, I am going to transfer the balance (along with the balance on my American Express) to a new one. It has 0% interest until March 2009. Then, I can watch that balance drop!!!
Lesson: Don't be stupid. Interest rates do not benefit you in any way whatsoever. Stop pretending they don't exist, and do something about it.
*I'm going to my bank to tell them to start taking $50 out of my paycheck every month and putting it into savings for me.
Lesson: If you are dumb with money, find people who can save it for you. If you behave like a child, you have to treat yourself like one.
*I am thinking about putting all my spending money into cash every month. That way, it will feel more "real" than just swiping a piece of plastic. Any leftover will go into savings. In theory. But first, I have to figure out exactly how much spending money I have to start with. That's where the Money program comes in.
Lesson: Always try for new, responsible ways to hold yourself accountable. Keep trying new things until you find something that works for you.
* Now, if only I could find the time to really sit down and get the stupid Microsoft Money software to work. I am having trouble with some of the features. I got a how-to book. It's just a matter of finding the time to sit down and learn the software better.
Lesson: Make time to learn how to reach your goals. You have to prioritize them or else you will never meet them.
*Before anyone jumps in with recommendations for Quicken and how awesome it is, let me just state this: Money was already installed on my computer, so it was free. And since "free" is my new favorite word, I am not going to worry about Quicken right now.
Lesson: "Free" is usually better when it comes to financial matters.
Instead, I will look forward to paying my taxes and getting my big phatty refund!!! Word on the streets is that we are getting property tax refunds, too, so I might get more money on top of my tax refund. WOOT!!! I will put the tax refund towards my credit card debt and the property tax refund towards my cruise.
Lesson: Buying a house will actually MAKE you money in the long run. Also, do not blow your tax refunds on crap. Utilize the windfall in a way that will benefit your overall financial situation.
Alright. So that is my progress on the Money Goal. I still have a looooong way to go, but so far, so good. I'm kind of proud of myself already. It feels good just to grab the reins and take control, you know?
Do you have any budget/money advice for me? Do you have any ideas? Opinions? Tales of Warning? Please share! I need help, obviously...
Stay tuned for Goal #2....
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
He Gets Me
CN and I hung out together most of last weekend. On the first of every month, we have Date Night, because we started dating on September 1st. So last Saturday, we made plans for dinner and a movie. (We had never been to a movie theater together before! Isn't that crazy?)
True to form, I was ready about 15 minutes after I said I'd be ready. CN teases me about this a lot, despite the fact that I told him a long time ago that VB time is always +15. I guess men just don't listen. ;)
So we hurry off to dinner on the other side of town. We have to eat really fast to make it in time for the movie. We were planning on seeing The Mist. Luckily, the Italian place wasn't very crowded, so we got out of there before the movie started.
We got to the theater just as the movie was starting. Whew! But there was just one, tiny little problem: there was a HUGE line at the ticket counter.
"There's no way we'll get in there in time to see the beginning," CN said.
He was right. We were too late. There's no way we could get in there without missing at least 15 minutes of the movie. Everyone in town wanted to get in this theater.
"Crap! I ruined Date Night!!" I said, angry at myself. I was pretty upset, and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I felt like a jerk. He tried to make it seem like it was no big deal, but I could tell he was a little upset about missing the movie. That just made me feel even worse.
That's when I told CN that from now on, he needs to tell me to be ready 30 minutes before we actually need to be somewhere. He agreed, and I apologized for being late. I told him I would take him to see the movie the next day -- my treat. He said ok.
The next morning, we went to church (shock and awe, I know! The Heathen Girl goes to church!) with a couple he knows. They are a really nice couple that are getting ready for their first baby. And thanks to our new time policy, I was right on time! Anyway, we went to a church that is not like mine. It's more......modern and liberal than what I'm used to, so it was an adjustment for me. I sounded like a 5 year old, with all of the questions I asked:
"Why is there a rock band here? Are we going to be on TV? Because there's a lot of TV crew-looking people here. Why are those people raising their arms when they sing? Why isn't anyone doing the readings? When do we get to kneel? What's with the big screen TVs? Why aren't we using our hymnals? I've never seen a church where people are allowed to wear jeans and flip-flops. And where's Jesus? I don't see him anywhere...."
CN just shook his head and chuckled to himself.
The questions actually started the night before, when CN asked me if I wanted to go with him to church. "Ok, sure. What is the proper procedure for when you receive the bread and wine there? I need to know, because I don't drink wine at church. I mean, you know I don't drink alcohol, but it's also because I can't stand the taste of wine. So how would it work if I want to opt out?" I asked.
"Oh, they don't even serve it, so you don't have to worry," he replied.
"I'm sorry....what? No bread or wine? Isn't that like....the whole point? The main scene?" I asked, confused. "Are you teasing me? You're making that up. Of course they serve bread and wine. It's not church without it! Stop pulling my leg!"
CN swore up and down that he was not kidding.
This blew my mind. I have never heard such a thing before. I thought all Christians had bread and wine when they went to church on Sundays. (Can you tell I was raised Catholic?)
So I was pretty interested in seeing exactly what went on at this modern church. It turns out that this particular church only does the bread and grape juice (yeah, no wine at this church -- another thing that blew my mind. "Juice?? WTF??) on the first Sunday of the month. So I got to have my Wonder bread and grape juice. It was very surreal to me. And I had forgotten how yummy grape juice is, so that was a good thing.
I've never been to a church service that wasn't my own denomination before. It was sort of like traveling to Europe: the general idea is the same, but there's little differences between this new place and your home. Some of the differences are cool, some of them make you feel uncomfortable.
We were having breakfast with the other couple after church. On the way to the restaurant, I explained to CN that I'm used to real wine, lots of moving around and a more formal presentation. I told him I was not totally comfortable with his modern church. It didn't feel boring and long like what I'm used to.
Call me crazy, but when I'm at church, I want to be hating it. I want it to feel like church. It's not supposed to be fun, in my mind. I want to get the hell outta there ASAP. I want to wear uncomfortable clothes, watch the same routine service I've watched since I was a kid, get a good serving of guilt, real wine, wafers that stick to the roof of your mouth, some hymns, and then I want to go home and forget about all about church until next Sunday. THAT is church.
He told me he'd never been to a Catholic or an Episcopalian service. I told him he'd better hit the gym before he goes to one, because there's a lot of moving around!
"First you stand, then you sit, then you kneel. Then you sit again, then you stand, then you kneel....sit, stand, kneel, stand, sit, kneel....and you sing a lot," I explained.
"I get the idea. We can go to your church next time, if you want," he replied.
"Um...ok. We might have to go to a new Episcopal church, though, because I haven't been to mine in at least a year, and now I'm too embarrassed to go back," I said.
"So......let me get this straight. You haven't been to any church in a year, and you're telling me that you'd rather go to NO church than one that is different than yours. Right?"
"Exactly! Wow, hon, you're a good listener. You ready for some pancakes?" I asked, as we pulled into the restaurant parking lot. CN rolled his eyes and sighed.
We had breakfast with the other couple, and then went to go see The Mist. I hated it. I almost got up to leave about 3 times. I don't like gory movies, and this was full of it. Plus, the ending SUCKS. I will stop there, in case you haven't seen it yet, but let's just say, I was not impressed.
When we left the theater, CN informed me that we would not be going to the movies a lot.
"But why?? I like going to the movies!" I protested.
"Because you yelled at the screen the whole time! People were staring at us!" he said.
"Oh. Sorry. Was I that loud?" I asked.
"YES!" he said, laughing.
"OMG! Why didn't you tell me to shut up? Did I embarrass you?" I asked.
"No, I thought it was funny. I tried to tell you to be quiet, but you didn't listen. That's why I was grabbing your arm. You ignored it. After that, I just gave up. But you talk too much at the movies. We need to stick to watching them at home from now on."
Oops.
That's kind of good, though, because you can't be late to movies you watch at home. Maybe he's got a good idea here. Plus, I can yell at the tv all I want!
Later on that day, he and I were sitting on my bed. I looked at my room.
"WOW. My room is really messy. I'm a slob. Don't you think I'm a slob, honey?" I said.
CN thought for a minute, then replied, "No. You're just really, really, really bad at putting things away!"
We laughed. I love that he gets me. :)
True to form, I was ready about 15 minutes after I said I'd be ready. CN teases me about this a lot, despite the fact that I told him a long time ago that VB time is always +15. I guess men just don't listen. ;)
So we hurry off to dinner on the other side of town. We have to eat really fast to make it in time for the movie. We were planning on seeing The Mist. Luckily, the Italian place wasn't very crowded, so we got out of there before the movie started.
We got to the theater just as the movie was starting. Whew! But there was just one, tiny little problem: there was a HUGE line at the ticket counter.
"There's no way we'll get in there in time to see the beginning," CN said.
He was right. We were too late. There's no way we could get in there without missing at least 15 minutes of the movie. Everyone in town wanted to get in this theater.
"Crap! I ruined Date Night!!" I said, angry at myself. I was pretty upset, and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I felt like a jerk. He tried to make it seem like it was no big deal, but I could tell he was a little upset about missing the movie. That just made me feel even worse.
That's when I told CN that from now on, he needs to tell me to be ready 30 minutes before we actually need to be somewhere. He agreed, and I apologized for being late. I told him I would take him to see the movie the next day -- my treat. He said ok.
The next morning, we went to church (shock and awe, I know! The Heathen Girl goes to church!) with a couple he knows. They are a really nice couple that are getting ready for their first baby. And thanks to our new time policy, I was right on time! Anyway, we went to a church that is not like mine. It's more......modern and liberal than what I'm used to, so it was an adjustment for me. I sounded like a 5 year old, with all of the questions I asked:
"Why is there a rock band here? Are we going to be on TV? Because there's a lot of TV crew-looking people here. Why are those people raising their arms when they sing? Why isn't anyone doing the readings? When do we get to kneel? What's with the big screen TVs? Why aren't we using our hymnals? I've never seen a church where people are allowed to wear jeans and flip-flops. And where's Jesus? I don't see him anywhere...."
CN just shook his head and chuckled to himself.
The questions actually started the night before, when CN asked me if I wanted to go with him to church. "Ok, sure. What is the proper procedure for when you receive the bread and wine there? I need to know, because I don't drink wine at church. I mean, you know I don't drink alcohol, but it's also because I can't stand the taste of wine. So how would it work if I want to opt out?" I asked.
"Oh, they don't even serve it, so you don't have to worry," he replied.
"I'm sorry....what? No bread or wine? Isn't that like....the whole point? The main scene?" I asked, confused. "Are you teasing me? You're making that up. Of course they serve bread and wine. It's not church without it! Stop pulling my leg!"
CN swore up and down that he was not kidding.
This blew my mind. I have never heard such a thing before. I thought all Christians had bread and wine when they went to church on Sundays. (Can you tell I was raised Catholic?)
So I was pretty interested in seeing exactly what went on at this modern church. It turns out that this particular church only does the bread and grape juice (yeah, no wine at this church -- another thing that blew my mind. "Juice?? WTF??) on the first Sunday of the month. So I got to have my Wonder bread and grape juice. It was very surreal to me. And I had forgotten how yummy grape juice is, so that was a good thing.
I've never been to a church service that wasn't my own denomination before. It was sort of like traveling to Europe: the general idea is the same, but there's little differences between this new place and your home. Some of the differences are cool, some of them make you feel uncomfortable.
We were having breakfast with the other couple after church. On the way to the restaurant, I explained to CN that I'm used to real wine, lots of moving around and a more formal presentation. I told him I was not totally comfortable with his modern church. It didn't feel boring and long like what I'm used to.
Call me crazy, but when I'm at church, I want to be hating it. I want it to feel like church. It's not supposed to be fun, in my mind. I want to get the hell outta there ASAP. I want to wear uncomfortable clothes, watch the same routine service I've watched since I was a kid, get a good serving of guilt, real wine, wafers that stick to the roof of your mouth, some hymns, and then I want to go home and forget about all about church until next Sunday. THAT is church.
He told me he'd never been to a Catholic or an Episcopalian service. I told him he'd better hit the gym before he goes to one, because there's a lot of moving around!
"First you stand, then you sit, then you kneel. Then you sit again, then you stand, then you kneel....sit, stand, kneel, stand, sit, kneel....and you sing a lot," I explained.
"I get the idea. We can go to your church next time, if you want," he replied.
"Um...ok. We might have to go to a new Episcopal church, though, because I haven't been to mine in at least a year, and now I'm too embarrassed to go back," I said.
"So......let me get this straight. You haven't been to any church in a year, and you're telling me that you'd rather go to NO church than one that is different than yours. Right?"
"Exactly! Wow, hon, you're a good listener. You ready for some pancakes?" I asked, as we pulled into the restaurant parking lot. CN rolled his eyes and sighed.
We had breakfast with the other couple, and then went to go see The Mist. I hated it. I almost got up to leave about 3 times. I don't like gory movies, and this was full of it. Plus, the ending SUCKS. I will stop there, in case you haven't seen it yet, but let's just say, I was not impressed.
When we left the theater, CN informed me that we would not be going to the movies a lot.
"But why?? I like going to the movies!" I protested.
"Because you yelled at the screen the whole time! People were staring at us!" he said.
"Oh. Sorry. Was I that loud?" I asked.
"YES!" he said, laughing.
"OMG! Why didn't you tell me to shut up? Did I embarrass you?" I asked.
"No, I thought it was funny. I tried to tell you to be quiet, but you didn't listen. That's why I was grabbing your arm. You ignored it. After that, I just gave up. But you talk too much at the movies. We need to stick to watching them at home from now on."
Oops.
That's kind of good, though, because you can't be late to movies you watch at home. Maybe he's got a good idea here. Plus, I can yell at the tv all I want!
Later on that day, he and I were sitting on my bed. I looked at my room.
"WOW. My room is really messy. I'm a slob. Don't you think I'm a slob, honey?" I said.
CN thought for a minute, then replied, "No. You're just really, really, really bad at putting things away!"
We laughed. I love that he gets me. :)
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Thursday 13 (2nd post today)
Thirteen Signs I Have Pack Rat Tendencies
(On a totally unrelated note, wouldn't that make a great band name??? Pack Rat Tendencies!)
1. I have kept every issue of Real Simple magazine I've received since I started my subscription 2 years ago. Most of them have not even been read yet. But it is the most awesome magazine EVER so I don't care. I will read them one day. As soon as I'm done reading all my other magazines....Allure, Marie Claire, Better Homes & Gardens, Country Living, Cosmo....oh, and I used to have Glamour, but I stopped renewing it because....I didn't have time to read it. Obviously. Anyway, I'm pretty good about chucking all the magazines except Real Simple.
2. I have two shoeboxes devoted to sample-sized Clinique products (from those free gifts) and toiletries. When I travel, I have little samples of everything!
3. There is a gigantic pile of papers in the corner of my bedroom. In it are: monthly updates on my 401(k)s, the top part of all my paid bills, pay stubs, receipts that need to be shredded, bank statements, anything having to do with my house, any receipts I will need for taxes, and anything deemed important enough to file away. Somewhere in there is my sadly under-used passport. And probably a nest of small woodland creatures, by this point.
4. I have kept most of my college textbooks. The ones that were interesting to me, anyway. I haven't really used them since college, but....I love them. And the $3.99 bin at Books a Million? I will have armfuls by the time I reach the register. "After all, I AM a librarian," I tell myself.
5. I recently forced myself to clean out my makeup drawers. Yes, I said drawers. I had some makeup in there from high school. We're talking 1995, people. And even then, it was only my inner germ-o-phobe who talked me into it. Nevermind that I hadn't worn that eyeshadow since I took trigonometry.
6. I have banned myself from going into craft stores. Why? Because I have a plastic roller cart full of impulse buys: acrylic paints, stencils, scrapbooking stuff, a hot glue gun, something called Modge Podge, glitter, beaded trim, confetti, stickers and who knows what else. I have not touched any of it. But I want to.
7. Is it too small? Beat up? Out of style? No biggie. I will make room in my closet. (Although, I am getting better about this as I get older.) I have some bras that are so ill-fitting, I haven't worn them in years. But they were expensive, and dammit, I'm going to get my money's worth!
8. You know how much I love office supplies. Well, guess who owns approximately 25 Post-it notepads. And markers in every color. And fluorescent-colored notebook paper. And 3-ring notebooks, complete with dividers, purchased specifically because they match the fluorescent notebook paper. And 10 or so sets of little notecards for me to write thank-you notes. Index cards, paper clips, more than one stapler, Sharpies, highlighters....need I go on? Keep in mind that few, if any of these items are being used.
9. I have a drawer in my house devoted to memorabilia from every ex-boyfriend since college. I keep it for the sole reason that The Czarina told me to, because "one day you'll have a daughter and she will want to look at all that stuff!"
Number of times I have looked at my mother's box of old love letters from pre-Dad boyfriends: 0.
(I should chuck that stuff, huh? Actually, at this point, I am wanting to do a MAJOR expulsion of all unnecessary items in my home!!! Yeesh! On a good note, though, I am far, FAR better than my roommate, E. That girl needs to go to Clutterers Anonymous!)
10. My boyfriend makes fun of the absurd number of socks I own. For some reason, I always think I need more socks. So I buy them in bulk. And now my sock drawer won't close.
11. At any given time, I have in my kitchen:
no fewer than 5 boxes of brownie/cake mix.
At least 2 kinds of chips.
Several varieties of candy.
2 flavors of ice cream.
3 beverages.
2 kinds of cereal.
Something chocolate and baked.
2 boxes of Chicken Quesadilla Lean Pockets
2 types of shredded cheese
3 cans of beans
4 cans of soup
Probably 35 varieties of spices/herbs
10 types of sauce/condiments/marinades
(there's more, but you get my drift)
Shit, I think I just realized why I'm broke all the time! Time to clean out the cupboard!!
12. I have a back-up of everything for the bathroom: soap, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, everything. Except an extra toothbrush, which CN and I realized only when it was very late and he didn't feel like crossing the street to go brush his teeth because he was too tired.
"Do you realize you have thirteen rolls of toilet paper in your bathroom?" he said to me the other day. I had them piled everywhere in there.
"Yeah. I mean, it's not like it will go bad. Buying in bulk saves money. And they didn't have a 6-roll size in the kind I like. What?" I replied.
He just laughed and shook his head. I told him to shut up or else I would make him bring his own toilet paper from now on.
13. I have intangibles, too. There are my 20 or so Voices in my Head. My emotional baggage from past relationships. My innumerable guilt trips. The umpteen flaws in my body that I see when I am naked and in front of a mirror. My fears and hopes. All those things I wish I could say, but don't. I collect all of these, too. Just in case I need them one day.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
"L" Ready?
Get it? Har har.
I have a cold, and have been vegging out on my couch. That's why I've been MIA. But I feel a little better today, so I'll give you the weekend re-cap.
Friday night was rather uneventful, but Saturday was super fun.
We (me, KT, VW, CN and Stuck) all surprised MJ for her birthday. She had no idea we were all gathered together at her favorite restaurant to surprise her with a night of drunken debauchery. She thought she was just going out to dinner with VW.
We started at The Blue Marlin for dinner (her favorite restaurant) and had a chocolate-raspberry cake from Chocolate Nirvana Bakery for dessert. Mmmmmm!!!
CN felt awful, because as he and I were taking the cake to the restaurant, he had to slam on his brakes to avoid running a red light, causing the cake to fall off the seat of the car and get a little smushed on one side. He claims I was distracting him from his driving, but I deny this. I was merely wearing a low-cut top and patent leather stilettos. I can't help it if touching up my makeup in the vanity mirror almost causes traffic accidents. ;)
In actuality, he seriously almost killed us! At the last second, I shouted, "Sweetie!! That's a RED LIGHT!" He wasn't paying attention, I guess, because by the time we stopped, we were halfway into the intersection! It was pretty funny, because he teases me for being a crazy driver, but now I just say, "Well, at least I've never almost killed us."
Anyway, MJ didn't mind that her cake was a little smushed. She was just enjoying her birthday. She had no idea we were all surprising her or that we got her an ipod for her birthday.
Little did I know, she was about to give me a small surprise. During the course of the dinner conversation, she proceeds to mention that I was messed up on Vicodin on my first date with CN.
"What?" asked CN.
"Gee, thanks, MJ," I retorted sarcastically.
"You didn't tell him? I thought you told him!" she exclaimed.
"Nope. No I didn't tell him about that. But now I have to, I guess!" I said.
"I am so sorry. I thought you told him!" she said.
"It's ok," I said.
And then I proceeded to confess to CN that I was on Vicodin at the time of our first date, but didn't want to tell him out of fear that he would think I have an addiction to painkillers or something. I was worried that he would be upset, but he wasn't. WHEW!
"Why did you go out with me when you knew you were all messed up? Why not just stay home?" he said.
"Because I knew that if I didn't go out with you, you were the kind of guy who would never ask me out again. I had to say yes!" I explained.
"Oh. Well, that's true. I probably wouldn't have," he conceded.
"See?" I said.
Then I told him how difficult it was for me to get ready and focus on dinner conversation when I'm on Vicodin, and he just laughed. I explained to him why I took it that evening and that I don't do it all the time or anything. I also said that it should show him how much I wanted to go out with him -- I spent a good deal of the night feeling nauseous!
MJ apologized to me later and said that she felt awful for letting the cat out of the bag. But it ended up being no big deal, and now he teases me about it.
We went back to our dinner. The chocolate cake was fantastic. After dinner, we proceeded to get MJ good n drunk.
She only remembers bits and pieces of the evening. She doesn't remember how KT and I made fun of her drunken walking. She doesn't remember sulking and pretending to cry whenever someone didn't do what she wanted. She doesn't remember falling down a couple of times. She doesn't remember flashing most of the crowd at Local's as she climbed up onto the bar to receive her free birthday shot. She doesn't remember crashing into a table and breaking several empty glasses, causing us to get kicked out of Bar None.
Needless to say, we all had a really fun time and didn't get home until about 3am.
That's when I got called out again. (What was it? Pick on VB day??) CN and I were driving home when he asked me a very blunt question.
"Hey, when we were at Local's, and you were all touchy-feely on me, were you only doing that because your ex-boyfriend was there? Because if that's the case, it doesn't make me feel good." he said.
Shit. Ummm.....
You see, as soon as MJ said she wanted to go to Local's, I thought, "Uh-oh. That's where Repo goes all the time. He will probably be there." But I didn't want to protest, because it was MJ's birthday. So I said ok, knowing full well what would happen: If Repo was there, I would probably try to rub it in his face that I am in a very happy relationship now.
That's exactly what happened, and that's exactly what I did.* And now, I was being called out on it. Shit. I totally deserved to be called out. I was immature and selfish and behaved totally inappropriately.
So I told him that I was only human and that yes, that was part of it. I told him I pretty much knew what was going to happen once I got there. But since it was very crowded in there, it was that much easier to be physical on the dance floor. My intentions were only halfway bad.
I can't remember exactly what CN said, but it was along the lines of, "Don't do that again. It made me feel like shit." -- a message I heard loud and clear. Commence massive guilt trip. We agreed that maybe we shouldn't go to Local's anymore. Not only because of Repo, but also because CN started to get a panic attack while we were there -- he doesn't do well with crowds.
At this point, not only was I dealing with a massive guilt trip, but now I was worried that I am going to screw up this relationship with my stupid decisions. I am going to ruin everything, because I am a moron. Crap!
So I told him I was going to take a quick shower, get into my pjs and then come over. He said ok.
Twenty minutes later, we were snuggling and talking in his bed. That's when he told me that he's falling in love with me.
WHAT?
Yeah. With me, the immature girl who uses him to try and make an ex jealous, the girl who takes Vicodin recreationally. Is he crazy? I am obviously a shitty girlfriend!
I said, "Um, really?" -- I was so shocked, this was all I could say. I was practically speechless.
"Yeah. I just haven't felt like this about anyone in a really, really long time. I have very strong feelings for you, and I just wanted to tell you because I think it's good to do that," he said.
Aw.
"But.....Sweetie, we haven't been dating that long. That's kind of...soon. I mean, I am charming, and all...." I joked.
"Yeah, I know. But that's how I feel," he replied.
"I really care about you, too. I mean, I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely on my way....are you mad that I didn't say it back?" I asked, worried. (I don't believe in using the "L" word unless you mean it. And even though I am almost ready to say those three little words, I am not quite there yet.)
"Whoa, I didn't say I was in love with you, just that I feel like I am headed in that direction!" he said.
"Are you back-pedaling???" I giggled.
"No. But I do really really care about you," he said.
Aw. Alright, I'm not sharing the rest of the conversation, because it was entirely too schmoopy and sappy, and it involved me crying, so let's just not go there, ok? Ok. Let's just say that the last bit of it went like this:
CN: Are we just going to sit here complimenting each other all night, or are we going to go to sleep?
Me: Oh. *giggle* Yeah, I guess we should go to bed now. I'm pretty tired, and it's probably like 4am.
*smooch!*
*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....*
So what do you think? Was CN back-pedaling? Do you think he's in The Big L with me? Or is it too soon? Was I out of line at Local's? Wouldn't it have been weirder if I had ignored CN when we were at Local's? Will I ever grow up and stop screwing things up with CN? What should I do to remedy this situation/loss of trust? And finally, am I indeed going to Hell? Or do I just deserve to get smacked?
Your thoughts and comments are appreciated, as always, dear readers.
* I would like to add that Repo looked like shit. He has gained so much weight since we broke up and he looked miserable! He looked like he was really down/depressed. He definitely saw me with my new boyfriend, and I could tell it bothered him. Plus, thanks to the grapevine that is Columbia, I'm pretty sure he and his girlfriend broke up. And I can't say that I didn't get a teeny bit of satisfaction from that.....ugh, I am terrible, I know. I'm going to hell. I am slowly learning to accept this fact.
I have a cold, and have been vegging out on my couch. That's why I've been MIA. But I feel a little better today, so I'll give you the weekend re-cap.
Friday night was rather uneventful, but Saturday was super fun.
We (me, KT, VW, CN and Stuck) all surprised MJ for her birthday. She had no idea we were all gathered together at her favorite restaurant to surprise her with a night of drunken debauchery. She thought she was just going out to dinner with VW.
We started at The Blue Marlin for dinner (her favorite restaurant) and had a chocolate-raspberry cake from Chocolate Nirvana Bakery for dessert. Mmmmmm!!!
CN felt awful, because as he and I were taking the cake to the restaurant, he had to slam on his brakes to avoid running a red light, causing the cake to fall off the seat of the car and get a little smushed on one side. He claims I was distracting him from his driving, but I deny this. I was merely wearing a low-cut top and patent leather stilettos. I can't help it if touching up my makeup in the vanity mirror almost causes traffic accidents. ;)
In actuality, he seriously almost killed us! At the last second, I shouted, "Sweetie!! That's a RED LIGHT!" He wasn't paying attention, I guess, because by the time we stopped, we were halfway into the intersection! It was pretty funny, because he teases me for being a crazy driver, but now I just say, "Well, at least I've never almost killed us."
Anyway, MJ didn't mind that her cake was a little smushed. She was just enjoying her birthday. She had no idea we were all surprising her or that we got her an ipod for her birthday.
Little did I know, she was about to give me a small surprise. During the course of the dinner conversation, she proceeds to mention that I was messed up on Vicodin on my first date with CN.
"What?" asked CN.
"Gee, thanks, MJ," I retorted sarcastically.
"You didn't tell him? I thought you told him!" she exclaimed.
"Nope. No I didn't tell him about that. But now I have to, I guess!" I said.
"I am so sorry. I thought you told him!" she said.
"It's ok," I said.
And then I proceeded to confess to CN that I was on Vicodin at the time of our first date, but didn't want to tell him out of fear that he would think I have an addiction to painkillers or something. I was worried that he would be upset, but he wasn't. WHEW!
"Why did you go out with me when you knew you were all messed up? Why not just stay home?" he said.
"Because I knew that if I didn't go out with you, you were the kind of guy who would never ask me out again. I had to say yes!" I explained.
"Oh. Well, that's true. I probably wouldn't have," he conceded.
"See?" I said.
Then I told him how difficult it was for me to get ready and focus on dinner conversation when I'm on Vicodin, and he just laughed. I explained to him why I took it that evening and that I don't do it all the time or anything. I also said that it should show him how much I wanted to go out with him -- I spent a good deal of the night feeling nauseous!
MJ apologized to me later and said that she felt awful for letting the cat out of the bag. But it ended up being no big deal, and now he teases me about it.
We went back to our dinner. The chocolate cake was fantastic. After dinner, we proceeded to get MJ good n drunk.
She only remembers bits and pieces of the evening. She doesn't remember how KT and I made fun of her drunken walking. She doesn't remember sulking and pretending to cry whenever someone didn't do what she wanted. She doesn't remember falling down a couple of times. She doesn't remember flashing most of the crowd at Local's as she climbed up onto the bar to receive her free birthday shot. She doesn't remember crashing into a table and breaking several empty glasses, causing us to get kicked out of Bar None.
Needless to say, we all had a really fun time and didn't get home until about 3am.
That's when I got called out again. (What was it? Pick on VB day??) CN and I were driving home when he asked me a very blunt question.
"Hey, when we were at Local's, and you were all touchy-feely on me, were you only doing that because your ex-boyfriend was there? Because if that's the case, it doesn't make me feel good." he said.
Shit. Ummm.....
You see, as soon as MJ said she wanted to go to Local's, I thought, "Uh-oh. That's where Repo goes all the time. He will probably be there." But I didn't want to protest, because it was MJ's birthday. So I said ok, knowing full well what would happen: If Repo was there, I would probably try to rub it in his face that I am in a very happy relationship now.
That's exactly what happened, and that's exactly what I did.* And now, I was being called out on it. Shit. I totally deserved to be called out. I was immature and selfish and behaved totally inappropriately.
So I told him that I was only human and that yes, that was part of it. I told him I pretty much knew what was going to happen once I got there. But since it was very crowded in there, it was that much easier to be physical on the dance floor. My intentions were only halfway bad.
I can't remember exactly what CN said, but it was along the lines of, "Don't do that again. It made me feel like shit." -- a message I heard loud and clear. Commence massive guilt trip. We agreed that maybe we shouldn't go to Local's anymore. Not only because of Repo, but also because CN started to get a panic attack while we were there -- he doesn't do well with crowds.
At this point, not only was I dealing with a massive guilt trip, but now I was worried that I am going to screw up this relationship with my stupid decisions. I am going to ruin everything, because I am a moron. Crap!
So I told him I was going to take a quick shower, get into my pjs and then come over. He said ok.
Twenty minutes later, we were snuggling and talking in his bed. That's when he told me that he's falling in love with me.
WHAT?
Yeah. With me, the immature girl who uses him to try and make an ex jealous, the girl who takes Vicodin recreationally. Is he crazy? I am obviously a shitty girlfriend!
I said, "Um, really?" -- I was so shocked, this was all I could say. I was practically speechless.
"Yeah. I just haven't felt like this about anyone in a really, really long time. I have very strong feelings for you, and I just wanted to tell you because I think it's good to do that," he said.
Aw.
"But.....Sweetie, we haven't been dating that long. That's kind of...soon. I mean, I am charming, and all...." I joked.
"Yeah, I know. But that's how I feel," he replied.
"I really care about you, too. I mean, I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely on my way....are you mad that I didn't say it back?" I asked, worried. (I don't believe in using the "L" word unless you mean it. And even though I am almost ready to say those three little words, I am not quite there yet.)
"Whoa, I didn't say I was in love with you, just that I feel like I am headed in that direction!" he said.
"Are you back-pedaling???" I giggled.
"No. But I do really really care about you," he said.
Aw. Alright, I'm not sharing the rest of the conversation, because it was entirely too schmoopy and sappy, and it involved me crying, so let's just not go there, ok? Ok. Let's just say that the last bit of it went like this:
CN: Are we just going to sit here complimenting each other all night, or are we going to go to sleep?
Me: Oh. *giggle* Yeah, I guess we should go to bed now. I'm pretty tired, and it's probably like 4am.
*smooch!*
*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....*
So what do you think? Was CN back-pedaling? Do you think he's in The Big L with me? Or is it too soon? Was I out of line at Local's? Wouldn't it have been weirder if I had ignored CN when we were at Local's? Will I ever grow up and stop screwing things up with CN? What should I do to remedy this situation/loss of trust? And finally, am I indeed going to Hell? Or do I just deserve to get smacked?
Your thoughts and comments are appreciated, as always, dear readers.
* I would like to add that Repo looked like shit. He has gained so much weight since we broke up and he looked miserable! He looked like he was really down/depressed. He definitely saw me with my new boyfriend, and I could tell it bothered him. Plus, thanks to the grapevine that is Columbia, I'm pretty sure he and his girlfriend broke up. And I can't say that I didn't get a teeny bit of satisfaction from that.....ugh, I am terrible, I know. I'm going to hell. I am slowly learning to accept this fact.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
A.C.W.M.B.
Another Conversation With My Brain.
"Um, I think it's time to pay the bills. You haven't done that in a while," stated Good Point.
"Crap! What if one of them is late??? Your credit rating will be ruined for eternity!!" shrieked Pessimistically Paranoid.
So after dinner, I sat down at the table to pay the bills.
In blood.
Wait, WHY is the water bill triple of what it usually is???
"Because you decided it would be a good idea to put down sod the week before we had a record-breaking heat wave in South Carolina. Hope you like your nicely watered back yard," said Sarcastic in a snarky tone of voice.
Oh. Right. Well, that explains why the electric bill is double, then.
"Yup," said Logical.
"What I want to know is, why did you let your gyno talk you into visiting a urologist, even though nothing was wrong with you? Because that cost you $100. A hundred dollars to pee into a plastic jug. Nice!" said Bitch Mode.
"Leave her alone! She does a good job! It's just that sometimes, stuff comes up! She had to use her savings account to pay for the house!" yelled Hormonal, voice quivering.
"Oh, and I suppose you just had to go shopping this past weekend," sniped Inner Mom Voice.
"Well, that will be on next month's credit card statement anyway," replied Good Point.
"And what's up with those 2 Falcons tickets? Since when are you an NFL fan?" pushes Cynical.
"Those are for CN's birthday! And The Runner is buying one of them. The other one was free, thanks to our credit card reward points! So stuff it, Cynical!" cries Single Girl. They lunge at each other. Inner Mom Voice breaks it up.
"Look! There is a new boyfriend now, folks! That is big news! You need to buy him birthday presents and we have to buy new clothes and cute undies! That's just what you do when you get a new boyfriend, ok?? Everything we bought was on sale. And besides, those shoes were too good of a deal to pass up--$90, marked down to $23!" said Single Girl.
"Yeah, those shoes are seeeeeeeeexy!" said Pervert.
"Hey! Let's put them on and go show them to CN!" said Horny, giggling.
All the Voices giggle, nod and begin to head to the closet to go get the new shoes.
"Focus, people! We have to pay these bills. No shoe parades right now....HEY! What is this??? Why is the credit card bill so high this month??" said Practical.
"Oh, um, your hair has to look good when you get a boyfriend, too. It was, um, kind of extra and stuff, because you changed hair colors...and um, got a haircut, too. That was an approved trip to the hairdresser!! You said it was ok!" said Single Girl, defensively.
Shit.
Oh, and I had to get more flea/tick control for the dogs....and there was that dinner out with friends.....ok, make that 4 dinners out....oh man.........this is not good.
School loans....garbage service....sewer....mortgage....I watched in agony as my bank account hemorrhaged money. I paid so many bills, I ran out of stamps.
Shit shit shit!!! And I still have to pay my cell phone and cable bills!!! Aaaaaaargh.
Hormonal's eyes began to well up with tears.
"Don't cry, it will be ok!" said Stupidly Optimistic as she comforted Hormonal.
I grabbed the box of Kleenex from the bathroom.
"Don't forget that car taxes are due this month, too." said Logical, quietly.
"OK! Now I'm freaking out!" shouted Panic, running around in circles, screaming.
"Hold on, don't freak out. Let me see what is left over....ok, good. See? We have like...um...$27." said Practical.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!" screamed Panic. She faints and passes out on the floor.
"Ohmygod. We're gonna be homeless!" wailed Pessimistically Paranoid.
"We can rent out the house fully furnished, and move back home with The Czarina!" blurted Stupidly Optimistic.
All the Voices turn and look at her, jaws open. A dead silence overtakes the room. No one moves or says anything. Somewhere, a clock ticks.
"Dude, no. No freaking way. Unh-uh," I say, shaking my head. Everyone shakes their head in agreement. Panic barfs in the corner. "We've got to think of something else."
"We could get a part time job!" shouts Stupidly Optimistic.
"Hey! Dumbass! We need money yesterday, not in two weeks!" retorts Sarcastic.
"Does anyone owe us money?" asks Good Point.
Bitch Mode sits down to make a list of people who owe money. The rest of the Voices continue to brainstorm. Single Girl is lying on the couch in a catatonic state, staring at the ceiling, muttering to herself. Hormonal is immersed in damp, wadded-up Kleenex, rocking back and forth, crying. Overly Analytical is banging her head against the wall. Confident has completely lost it and is under the table in the fetal position, shaking.
"Oh man, we are really in a fix! What are we going to do??" says Impatient.
"Quick! What can we sell?" shouts Logical.
All the Voices think.
"The dog!" shouts Impatient.
"Tried it. No takers," said Good Point.
"Our shoes!" says Practical.
"Shut your mouth!!" screams Single Girl. "You have always hated shopping, and now you're just trying to get even! I won't let you take it out on the shoes!!!"
"Besides, it's not like there's a ton of women on eBay who are looking for size 9 1/2 narrow. We have freak feet, remember?" says Good Point.
"The jewelry???" offers Shy, timidly.
"Dude?! Are you on drugs?! The Czarina would shoot you! And besides, you've only got 2 pieces of real jewelry anyway. It's not worth it," says Good Point.
"Electronics?" asks Single Girl. "We can live without those."
Everyone reminds Single Girl that Cheapskate made sure that all electronics were either hand-me-down freebies or generic-brand Wal-Mart purchases. No dice.
"Crap! We have nothing of value! And it's all my fault! This sucks!" says Cheapskate, sobbing.
"Where is all the money going?? We really need to work up a budget, because I think you're spending it all on candy," says Overly Analytical. "You're going to end up filing for bankruptcy, courtesy of Hershey's if you don't stop it with the chocolate. And how sad is that? Imagine telling the judge -- 'Your honor, I just couldn't stop...the fun size bars were calling my name! But I've been clean for 3 weeks now!"
"Ooh! I know! We can sell our body!!" yelled Pervert.
"We're too ugly to make good money being hookers! We'd never be better than five dollar hookers! By the time we made enough money, we'd be the biggest hoes in the tri-state area! With our cellulite and fat ass courtesy of our candy addiction, it's amazing CN even wants us!!" wailed Hormonal. "I can't believe anyone wants to see us naked, let alone sleep with us!! We're hideous!!!! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
Hormonal leaves to go cry into a pillow. She will proceed to have an emotional breakdown for the rest of the evening. Which is fine with the rest of the voices, because whenever she shows up, she's just a big Debbie Downer.
"Hey, don't they have an amateur night at Platinum Plus? Stripping here and there to pay the bills doesn't make you a stripper, per se, right?? I mean, you'd have to do it full time to be considered a 'stripper'," says Horny, enthusiastically.
"Oh yeah, I totally agree," chimes Pervert.
"Wow. So this really is how women start to work corners in downtown urban areas...and all this time I thought it was just something I read about in sociology textbooks," wondered Nerd aloud.
"WHAT??" screamed Panic, who was totally out of control by this point. Her eyes roll back into her head and she collapses.
Prisspot, although speechless, is just as upset at the thought of becoming a real, actual hooker. She dissolves into tears and joins Hormonal in the pillow-sobbing.
"Ooh! I know! We can dress up like a homeless person and beg for money! It will be like practice, since we do this all the time, anyway, and soon we will be homeless!" yells Sarcastic.
"AAARRRGH!!! I am so MAD at us! There is no excuse! We make plenty of money. This has GOT to stop. We have been living on the edge for months now. No more bullshit purchases, do you hear me? That means no more Starbuck's, no more lottery tickets, no more 'Ooh, I wonder what this body wash is like' and no more 'But it's on sale' !!! You got it??!!" shouts Inner Mom Voice.
All the Voices look at their feet and nod.
"I'm putting the clamp down on all purchasing. If you don't like it...tough," states Bitch Mode.
More nodding.
Shy raises her hand.
"Yes, Shy?" asks Bitch Mode.
"Um, we're out of stamps. Can we stop at the store on the way home?" she asks, trembling.
*sigh*
"Sure."
"Um, I think it's time to pay the bills. You haven't done that in a while," stated Good Point.
"Crap! What if one of them is late??? Your credit rating will be ruined for eternity!!" shrieked Pessimistically Paranoid.
So after dinner, I sat down at the table to pay the bills.
In blood.
Wait, WHY is the water bill triple of what it usually is???
"Because you decided it would be a good idea to put down sod the week before we had a record-breaking heat wave in South Carolina. Hope you like your nicely watered back yard," said Sarcastic in a snarky tone of voice.
Oh. Right. Well, that explains why the electric bill is double, then.
"Yup," said Logical.
"What I want to know is, why did you let your gyno talk you into visiting a urologist, even though nothing was wrong with you? Because that cost you $100. A hundred dollars to pee into a plastic jug. Nice!" said Bitch Mode.
"Leave her alone! She does a good job! It's just that sometimes, stuff comes up! She had to use her savings account to pay for the house!" yelled Hormonal, voice quivering.
"Oh, and I suppose you just had to go shopping this past weekend," sniped Inner Mom Voice.
"Well, that will be on next month's credit card statement anyway," replied Good Point.
"And what's up with those 2 Falcons tickets? Since when are you an NFL fan?" pushes Cynical.
"Those are for CN's birthday! And The Runner is buying one of them. The other one was free, thanks to our credit card reward points! So stuff it, Cynical!" cries Single Girl. They lunge at each other. Inner Mom Voice breaks it up.
"Look! There is a new boyfriend now, folks! That is big news! You need to buy him birthday presents and we have to buy new clothes and cute undies! That's just what you do when you get a new boyfriend, ok?? Everything we bought was on sale. And besides, those shoes were too good of a deal to pass up--$90, marked down to $23!" said Single Girl.
"Yeah, those shoes are seeeeeeeeexy!" said Pervert.
"Hey! Let's put them on and go show them to CN!" said Horny, giggling.
All the Voices giggle, nod and begin to head to the closet to go get the new shoes.
"Focus, people! We have to pay these bills. No shoe parades right now....HEY! What is this??? Why is the credit card bill so high this month??" said Practical.
"Oh, um, your hair has to look good when you get a boyfriend, too. It was, um, kind of extra and stuff, because you changed hair colors...and um, got a haircut, too. That was an approved trip to the hairdresser!! You said it was ok!" said Single Girl, defensively.
Shit.
Oh, and I had to get more flea/tick control for the dogs....and there was that dinner out with friends.....ok, make that 4 dinners out....oh man.........this is not good.
School loans....garbage service....sewer....mortgage....I watched in agony as my bank account hemorrhaged money. I paid so many bills, I ran out of stamps.
Shit shit shit!!! And I still have to pay my cell phone and cable bills!!! Aaaaaaargh.
Hormonal's eyes began to well up with tears.
"Don't cry, it will be ok!" said Stupidly Optimistic as she comforted Hormonal.
I grabbed the box of Kleenex from the bathroom.
"Don't forget that car taxes are due this month, too." said Logical, quietly.
"OK! Now I'm freaking out!" shouted Panic, running around in circles, screaming.
"Hold on, don't freak out. Let me see what is left over....ok, good. See? We have like...um...$27." said Practical.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!" screamed Panic. She faints and passes out on the floor.
"Ohmygod. We're gonna be homeless!" wailed Pessimistically Paranoid.
"We can rent out the house fully furnished, and move back home with The Czarina!" blurted Stupidly Optimistic.
All the Voices turn and look at her, jaws open. A dead silence overtakes the room. No one moves or says anything. Somewhere, a clock ticks.
"Dude, no. No freaking way. Unh-uh," I say, shaking my head. Everyone shakes their head in agreement. Panic barfs in the corner. "We've got to think of something else."
"We could get a part time job!" shouts Stupidly Optimistic.
"Hey! Dumbass! We need money yesterday, not in two weeks!" retorts Sarcastic.
"Does anyone owe us money?" asks Good Point.
Bitch Mode sits down to make a list of people who owe money. The rest of the Voices continue to brainstorm. Single Girl is lying on the couch in a catatonic state, staring at the ceiling, muttering to herself. Hormonal is immersed in damp, wadded-up Kleenex, rocking back and forth, crying. Overly Analytical is banging her head against the wall. Confident has completely lost it and is under the table in the fetal position, shaking.
"Oh man, we are really in a fix! What are we going to do??" says Impatient.
"Quick! What can we sell?" shouts Logical.
All the Voices think.
"The dog!" shouts Impatient.
"Tried it. No takers," said Good Point.
"Our shoes!" says Practical.
"Shut your mouth!!" screams Single Girl. "You have always hated shopping, and now you're just trying to get even! I won't let you take it out on the shoes!!!"
"Besides, it's not like there's a ton of women on eBay who are looking for size 9 1/2 narrow. We have freak feet, remember?" says Good Point.
"The jewelry???" offers Shy, timidly.
"Dude?! Are you on drugs?! The Czarina would shoot you! And besides, you've only got 2 pieces of real jewelry anyway. It's not worth it," says Good Point.
"Electronics?" asks Single Girl. "We can live without those."
Everyone reminds Single Girl that Cheapskate made sure that all electronics were either hand-me-down freebies or generic-brand Wal-Mart purchases. No dice.
"Crap! We have nothing of value! And it's all my fault! This sucks!" says Cheapskate, sobbing.
"Where is all the money going?? We really need to work up a budget, because I think you're spending it all on candy," says Overly Analytical. "You're going to end up filing for bankruptcy, courtesy of Hershey's if you don't stop it with the chocolate. And how sad is that? Imagine telling the judge -- 'Your honor, I just couldn't stop...the fun size bars were calling my name! But I've been clean for 3 weeks now!"
"Ooh! I know! We can sell our body!!" yelled Pervert.
"We're too ugly to make good money being hookers! We'd never be better than five dollar hookers! By the time we made enough money, we'd be the biggest hoes in the tri-state area! With our cellulite and fat ass courtesy of our candy addiction, it's amazing CN even wants us!!" wailed Hormonal. "I can't believe anyone wants to see us naked, let alone sleep with us!! We're hideous!!!! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
Hormonal leaves to go cry into a pillow. She will proceed to have an emotional breakdown for the rest of the evening. Which is fine with the rest of the voices, because whenever she shows up, she's just a big Debbie Downer.
"Hey, don't they have an amateur night at Platinum Plus? Stripping here and there to pay the bills doesn't make you a stripper, per se, right?? I mean, you'd have to do it full time to be considered a 'stripper'," says Horny, enthusiastically.
"Oh yeah, I totally agree," chimes Pervert.
"Wow. So this really is how women start to work corners in downtown urban areas...and all this time I thought it was just something I read about in sociology textbooks," wondered Nerd aloud.
"WHAT??" screamed Panic, who was totally out of control by this point. Her eyes roll back into her head and she collapses.
Prisspot, although speechless, is just as upset at the thought of becoming a real, actual hooker. She dissolves into tears and joins Hormonal in the pillow-sobbing.
"Ooh! I know! We can dress up like a homeless person and beg for money! It will be like practice, since we do this all the time, anyway, and soon we will be homeless!" yells Sarcastic.
"AAARRRGH!!! I am so MAD at us! There is no excuse! We make plenty of money. This has GOT to stop. We have been living on the edge for months now. No more bullshit purchases, do you hear me? That means no more Starbuck's, no more lottery tickets, no more 'Ooh, I wonder what this body wash is like' and no more 'But it's on sale' !!! You got it??!!" shouts Inner Mom Voice.
All the Voices look at their feet and nod.
"I'm putting the clamp down on all purchasing. If you don't like it...tough," states Bitch Mode.
More nodding.
Shy raises her hand.
"Yes, Shy?" asks Bitch Mode.
"Um, we're out of stamps. Can we stop at the store on the way home?" she asks, trembling.
*sigh*
"Sure."
Monday, October 08, 2007
Overexposed
Time: Yesterday afternoon
Place: Victoria's Secret
Yours truly was taking advantage of their fall sale.
After rummaging around in their totally unorganized bins (SO irritating to look through! What happened to the tables organized by size???), I had an armful of bras to try on. I headed to the dressing room.
Bra after bra was disqualified: too big, too small, too complicated, made my boobs look funny, not supportive enough...etc.
But the last bra....well, that was a different story. It was supportive, easy to put on, relatively comfortable, fit well......and it was dead sexy. A black lace bra, hot enough to put the rest of my bras to shame.
"Hmmm...." I thought, with a sly little smile on my lips. "I know someone who might like to see this...."
And I whipped out my cell phone. I was going to take a little preview pic and send it to CN via the wonders of modern technology.
"Click!" said the camera.
"*Giggle*" said I.
"Send!" said the button.
"Message sent!" said the phone.
I got dressed again and went out to get in line to pay. As I was leaving the store, I realized it had been a few minutes, and I hadn't heard from CN. Not to flatter myself, but I was expecting SOME kind of a reaction.
"Hmmm...maybe his phone isn't equipped to receive pictures, because he must have gotten it..." I thought. "Right???"
Oh.
God.
I quickly fumbled around in my purse, frantically searching for my phone. I grabbed it, opened it up and began looking at my text message history.
"Oh-my-gawd-if-I-sent-that-to-the-wrong-person-I-will-die!!!!" I thought.
WHEW. I sent it to CN and only CN.
So why hadn't he replied or reacted in any way??? I mean, I'm not taking jetty shots in the dressing room for my health! Argh.
I got home and began baking some pumpkin bread for CN's dad (he's sick, remember). I glanced out my kitchen window -- CN's friend The Runner was over at his house. They were probably watching football. By the time I had the pumpkin bread in the oven, The Runner had left.
My phone beeped -- I had a new text message from CN.
"Well, it's about time," I thought.
I opened the message:
"The Runner liked your boobs."
!!!!!
I figured he was kidding, so I told him he was in big trouble for showing the pic to The Runner. A little later, CN came over to get the pumpkin bread, and he filled me in on what had happened.
"Yeah, um, The Runner was helping me get my tv cables all figured out, because we were playing video games, and he was actually sitting RIGHT next to me when you sent that pic to my phone. I took my phone out of my pocket when you sent the pic. So um....he saw it. Kinda...." CN trailed off.
*shock and disbelief on my part*
"WHAT????!!!" I shouted.
"Oh, and I know he saw it, because he took one look at it and asked me: 'Um, do you need me to leave so you can take care of that?' " CN continued.
Oh.
My.
Gawd.
I turned beet red. I will never be able to look The Runner in the eye again. I began wailing at my own bad judgement. Stupid, stupid, stupid VB. Dumb idea. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!!
"It's ok! Don't be embarrassed! It's not a big deal! Just give me a heads up next time, ok?" CN said, trying to make me feel better. "But hey, would you care if I set my phone so that's the photo that comes up on my phone every time you call me?"
Oh for Pete's sake.....
Place: Victoria's Secret
Yours truly was taking advantage of their fall sale.
After rummaging around in their totally unorganized bins (SO irritating to look through! What happened to the tables organized by size???), I had an armful of bras to try on. I headed to the dressing room.
Bra after bra was disqualified: too big, too small, too complicated, made my boobs look funny, not supportive enough...etc.
But the last bra....well, that was a different story. It was supportive, easy to put on, relatively comfortable, fit well......and it was dead sexy. A black lace bra, hot enough to put the rest of my bras to shame.
"Hmmm...." I thought, with a sly little smile on my lips. "I know someone who might like to see this...."
And I whipped out my cell phone. I was going to take a little preview pic and send it to CN via the wonders of modern technology.
"Click!" said the camera.
"*Giggle*" said I.
"Send!" said the button.
"Message sent!" said the phone.
I got dressed again and went out to get in line to pay. As I was leaving the store, I realized it had been a few minutes, and I hadn't heard from CN. Not to flatter myself, but I was expecting SOME kind of a reaction.
"Hmmm...maybe his phone isn't equipped to receive pictures, because he must have gotten it..." I thought. "Right???"
Oh.
God.
I quickly fumbled around in my purse, frantically searching for my phone. I grabbed it, opened it up and began looking at my text message history.
"Oh-my-gawd-if-I-sent-that-to-the-wrong-person-I-will-die!!!!" I thought.
WHEW. I sent it to CN and only CN.
So why hadn't he replied or reacted in any way??? I mean, I'm not taking jetty shots in the dressing room for my health! Argh.
I got home and began baking some pumpkin bread for CN's dad (he's sick, remember). I glanced out my kitchen window -- CN's friend The Runner was over at his house. They were probably watching football. By the time I had the pumpkin bread in the oven, The Runner had left.
My phone beeped -- I had a new text message from CN.
"Well, it's about time," I thought.
I opened the message:
"The Runner liked your boobs."
!!!!!
I figured he was kidding, so I told him he was in big trouble for showing the pic to The Runner. A little later, CN came over to get the pumpkin bread, and he filled me in on what had happened.
"Yeah, um, The Runner was helping me get my tv cables all figured out, because we were playing video games, and he was actually sitting RIGHT next to me when you sent that pic to my phone. I took my phone out of my pocket when you sent the pic. So um....he saw it. Kinda...." CN trailed off.
*shock and disbelief on my part*
"WHAT????!!!" I shouted.
"Oh, and I know he saw it, because he took one look at it and asked me: 'Um, do you need me to leave so you can take care of that?' " CN continued.
Oh.
My.
Gawd.
I turned beet red. I will never be able to look The Runner in the eye again. I began wailing at my own bad judgement. Stupid, stupid, stupid VB. Dumb idea. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!!
"It's ok! Don't be embarrassed! It's not a big deal! Just give me a heads up next time, ok?" CN said, trying to make me feel better. "But hey, would you care if I set my phone so that's the photo that comes up on my phone every time you call me?"
Oh for Pete's sake.....
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