Friday, January 25, 2008

PSA: Smurf is Driving

WARNING: My little sister, Smurf, turns *16* on Sunday. This means that, according to the Commonwealth of Virginia, she is legally eligible for a driver's license. If you live within a 500 mile radius of Farmville, VA, I highly encourage you to inform your local authorities, call your State Congressman and lock up your pets and small children. Whatever you do, you should definitely stay off any and all roads. This chick has no business whatsoever driving. According to my mother, she has committed the following moving violations during her practice runs:

1. Did not stop AT ALL for a stop sign -- she just followed the car in front of her!
2. Cannot seem to master lane mergings without almost causing 3-car-pile-ups.
3. Believes turn signals to be optional at all times.
4. Literally not looking at the road -- she has always been a space cadet!
5. Speeds terribly.
6. Uses mirrors instead of actually looking over her shoulder.

Ok, now before you panic, keep in mind that she won't actually be legally on the road, driving alone, until about April (you have to be 16 years and 4 months to drive in Virginia). So she's going to practice some more. A LOT more. Smurf has to learn how to drive safely, because right now, my poor mother is carting her all over the place: school, sports (Smurf plays 3 sports), friends' houses, football games, basketball games, parties, movies, etc. For most people, this isn't that big of a burden. But when you live in the boonies, like they do, it takes 45 minutes to get anywhere. So my mother is really ready for Smurf to drive herself around. She's even bought her a used car. A very very large used car. I think it's an old Chevy Suburban kind of like this one.

When I asked The Czarina why she bought such a large car for Smurf, when gas prices are so insane, she replied, "Because I know she's going to get in a wreck. And I feel better if the car is so big, it inflicts more damage than it receives."

"Oh. Ok. That makes sense," I replied. "So how is she going to pay for the gas?"

"She's going to get a JOB!!!" my mother replied gleefully, clapping her hands together.

I snickered, remembering my horrible grocery store job I had in high school. Ah, the days of minimum wage and polyester uniforms....

Anyway, The Czarina has tried to discuss with Smurf the responsibilities involved in operating a motor vehicle. She has lectured, pleaded, begged, yelled and stressed about it. She even went so far as disconnecting the CD player/radio in Smurf's car, in order to eliminate at least one distraction. Of course, being obnoxious older siblings, the rest of us tease her about this incessantly. We even joked about buying her a bunch of CDs for Christmas, which would be useless to her. Tee hee.

I have quizzed her on the Rules of the Road. My brothers have tried to take her driving. She has studied old driver's ed manuals. We share driving tips and advice with her constantly. When we are driving her somewhere, we periodically ask, "Ok, what should I do now?" or "What did that other car do wrong?" -- and her answers are always wrong. She fails miserably at anything even remotely related to driving. All we end up doing is shaking our heads at her.

To be honest, we are all kind of worried about her! Our family is full of good drivers. WLF had one accident when he was 16. That was the only accident he ever had. Fat Dog has never had a wreck. Fungus is a pretty good driver. I have only had 2 accidents, my last one being in 2001. The Czarina has never been at fault in any accidents, although she's the type of driver who backs into poles and trashcans. In short, we have no idea where she got this from. Although we are all notorious speeders in our family, none of us have ever been this clueless about driving.

She's going to be taking driver's ed at school pretty soon. I really hope that will help her out. Because right now, I won't even get into a car she is driving. I guess I was a pretty bad driver at first, too. I really hope her learning curve is better than mine.

Oh! In honor of her birthday, I do have some pics of her when she was little. Here goes:

Here is Baby Smurf. She's the only one in our family with dimples. That is WLF holding her. Yes, I realize he was old to be the father of a baby. What can I say? There were 7 of us. Someone had to be last. This was at Myrtle Beach.

Ok, that is Fungus with Smurf on his shoulders. This pic was taken in about 1992.

I remember Smurf doing this a lot in the car when she was little. She would make these hilarious faces! That is Fat Dog on the left. imitating her, and Fungus on the right. You can see my big ol' feet in the background. This was in our old station wagon, which was the car I learned to drive on. This was soon after we moved to Indiana.
Ok, how cute is this pic? That is my youngest brother, Gulgie, and Smurf.

This is a pic of my four full siblings. Remember, I have 2 half siblings, too. I am not in this pic, and I do not know who the guy is in the back ground. L--> R: Gulgie, Smurf, Fungus, Fat Dog. Oh, and the date is conveniently displayed in case you are curious.

Here she is with a friend of the family, when she was little older.

I have more family pics, but that's enough for today.


Oh crap. I just realized. Today is January 25th. Every year, I have a horrible, horrible day on or near this day. Examples:

1. I have been dumped.
2. My dad died.
3. I have been in 2 car accidents.
4. I found out this guy had lied to me and cheated on me.
5. I have been sick.

So looks like I will be staying in bed as much as possible this weekend!!! I hope I can end my Curse of the End of January.

Shit. I should have called in today. That was dumb of me. Last night, I had a bad dream that CN and I broke up. Ugh. That is bad timing.

Have a great weekend, everyone! I have to go look for some good luck charm, now, before it's too late! Cross your fingers for me!


Stuck said...

She sounds like 90% of the drivers in South Carolina, to me. Tell her to move down here. She'll fit right in.

Phantom Hater said...

Actually, there is nothing wrong with #6. If you set all your mirrors correctly, you should not have to look over your shoulder. That means you're taking your eyes off of the road in front of you.

I failed my driving test twice before I passed. I rolled through a stop sign on the first one and when I asked how I did, the instructor just looked at me for like 30 seconds before slamming the passenger door. Dick.

--begin douchebaggery--
I just read an article on MSN about perceived intelligence. Basically, women always felt they were less intelligent than they are, and men are the opposite. The one area this doesn't apply is to driving skills. Most women I know seem to think they're great drivers. They're all awful. Forget the kitchen--a woman's place is in the passenger seat.
--end douchebaggery--

Smug said...

How come there aren't any pictures of you??

Alison said...

Yes, where are the pictures of you?? Your siblings are adorable, though, and I'm sure you fit right in. :)

Nothing bad is going to happen---you're going to break that curse this year! Our family has a similar curse this time of year...end of January/early of the kids will come home barfing and share it with the rest of us. I hope we can beat the curse this year too!

M said...

your little sister is driving? oh lordy, take a valium.

the good news: this will be practice for when you have kids who drive.

Fluffycat said...

I sorta feel for Smurf because I had a hell of a time learning how to drive too. I failed the behind the wheel test 3 times before finally passing it at 18. But I'm a great driver now, only had one accident right after I got my license. Maybe it will just sink in for her. But I'm glad she's on the other coast from me!

teahouse said...

Happy birthday to Smurf!!

Seriously, that photo of her as a baby with your dad is adorable. She's such a smiley and happy baby.

And I'm sure she'll be fine, driving that Chevy. Nobody will mess with anybody who's driving Tony Soprano's car!

RWA said...

You've had two car accidents - and both of them were on January 25?

That's scary.

Virginia Belle said...

Stuck-- tell me about it! I was almost side-swiped this weekend! friggin nut jobs down here!

PH-- OK, i'm going to catch a lot of flack from other women about this, but i think MOST men are better drivers. i know that i do stupid stuff behind the wheel all the time. i always feel like men have a better sense for machines. i like it when they drive. i feel safer. but that is pretty much the only thing i can think of where men are better than women....LOL! not that there aren't any good female drivers. there are. but i think there are higher percentages of excellent male drivers. after the age of 25. :)

smug & alison-- oh, girl, i don't post pics of my face on here. i am toying with changing that....but so far, i am clinging to the only shred of anonymity i have left. you can find pics of my feet, the back of my head and my hands if you dig around, though. :)

alison -- yeah, so far, so good. i won't relax until the end of next week, though. until then, this is a bad time for me, and i am keeping a low profile. in other words, i am staying at my house as much as possible!

m-- trust me, if i had a valium, i would take it! any?

fluffycat-- yeah, i had a fender bender not long after i started driving. it's kind of a right of passage, really.

teahouse -- aw, thanks! yeah, she was a super cute kid. and her car is a little intimidating!

rwa -- well, i should explain. in one of them, i was just the passenger. but still, 2 wrecks on/near the same date is enough to freak anyone out. so far, so good, for 2008. keep your fingers crossed for me!

Baja Hockey Fan said...

I completely understand the bad luck day. Mine happens to be my birthday, Aug 3rd.
This is what has happened on or around it for me.
1. Broke my femur waterskiing.
2. Had Surgery on said femur.
3. Grandfather died.
4. Got hit by a drunk driver who totalled my Bronco.
5. Was really sick one year.
And at least one other thing but I think that it is lost in the gray matter because it is less bad than all the other things.
(I don't think I will be lucky enough for mine to end since it started when I was 12 and the car accident was when I was 27)