First of all, I must thank each and every one of you for your support, emails, text messages and comments. I am truly overwhelmed, and literally brought to tears. *sniff*
This is going to make no sense, but the decision was both easy and incredibly difficult. At the same time. But I am also alternating between the two, especially now, after 3 weeks. It's so obvious we are wrong for each other! No, wait! Oh my gawd, did I really do that? Am I ok with this? Yes. Yes, I am totally ok. No, wait. etc. etc. Those of you who love the Voices in My Head have no idea what the cocophony has been like for the last month. I feel like a very, very strong woman..........but also like a murderer. I killed my dream. I killed us. But I am proud of myself for recognizing something and doing something about it, even though it made me sad and hurt someone I still care very deeply for. I have pride and shame. Mostly shame.
The thing that is really strange about this whole process (and it makes sense if you think about it) is how similar this feels to grief. I imagine it must be even worse if it's in the context of going through a divorce. That must be excruciating.
Like grief, I have good days and I have bad days. Some days I am feeling fine, and almost ready to put it all in the past and move on. Other days, I am really bummed out and wondering, "What if I just blew it?" I mean, you only get so many chances in life, right? What if I am being too picky? No two people agree on everything, so you have to have compromises, right? Do people really get married after the age of 32, or is that just what tv wants you to think? If I were to meet Mr. Perfect today, there's no way I would make it down the aisle anytime sooner than 32, let's face it. I am in a race against crow's feet, y'all. It's getting serious now. Have I officially reached old maid-dom? Are my ovaries vestigial organs at this point, and I might as well start planning my trip around the world -- solo? Because that is my Plan B: Become a World Traveller. Are all the men in my age range as confused, damaged and gun-shy as I am now? Or worse -- are all the good ones taken?
...and then there's the obvious question......
When and how do I try to re-enter the world of dating? Do I try online dating again?
*shudder* Because I am in a town where I don't really know anyone. So my dating options are pretty much nil. Ugh. No. Not yet, anyway. Maybe in a few months. I gotta get a feel for this town through the eyes of a single girl first. I don't know if it's full of jackasses who will only waste my time or if it's just a matter of separating the wheat from the chaff.
This is really all moot, anyway, as CN and I are now......roommates. Yes, we are 100% broken up. We've even had the, "Ok, are we really really broken up? Or is there a chance we might get back together?" talk. There is no touching beyond hugs, I put a robe on when I get out of the shower, etc. We are in separate bedrooms and are rarely home at the same time. So far.....so good. I don't have to cook, and he doesn't have to take me out to dinner. We each have our own couch, and if we don't want to watch the same show, one of us just goes upstairs. No harm, no foul.
I wonder if you are thinking this sounds incredibly awkward. It isn't. It's funny how comfortable it has been so far. I guess when you have dated someone for 2 years, the time to feel awkward has passed completely, no matter the circumstances. We are both pretty laid back people, and we have agreed not to bring any new significant others over until further notice. (Repeating this rule aloud just makes us snicker, because both of us go for loooooooong periods of time between relationships, so it's humorous to even think about dating a new person right now.)
At first, we talked about him moving out, but it would be difficult for me to afford this place on my own. Especially since his job pays for Internet (yay!). And he was not excited about the idea of moving again after we JUST got here. So for the time being, we are roomies. The Czarina does NOT get this and doesn't like it. I think she is worried we won't be able to move on or avoid sleeping together. I see her concern, but unfortunately, I don't make enough money to kick him out. Well, I do, but it would seriously impact my clothing budget. :) And he's saving a lot of money by staying, too. You can't live in a decent neighborhood in Savannah for under $800/month, and right now, we are each paying $500/month -- essentially a steal. And to be honest, I don't want to have any other roommate right now. CN is a really good one. Except that he doesn't seem to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher -- a minor concern in the world of roommates.
He has told his job that he wants to be put on what is called "detail". This means he would travel a LOT all around the state, to different towns to do his work. If he gets put on detail, he will be gone periodically for as long as a month at a time. Obviously, this would be good for both of us. He's still waiting to hear back from them.
For the first time in my life, I wish I had a PR assistant. Someone to break the news to family and friends, field any questions, deal with the backlash, put out a press release for me. Because explaining it is one of the worst parts about this process. I dread it. And it's big news, too. I can't just do a facebook update. I have to email or call all the important people in my life. Individually. It took me about a week just to tell you guys, and I don't even know most of you! I try to get other people to spread the word for me so I don't have to repeat my sad story over and over and over. I elected one trusted coworker to put the news out to everyone at work. I even managed to change my facebook status secretly, so there was no horrible broken heart icon in everyone's news feed. (Whew!)
Then again, part of me feels like this is what I get for what I did. The punishment for my crime. Like Sisyphus, I am doomed to repeat my story over and over and over forever. Endless questions. Endless pity. Every time I tell it, I get more and more bummed out. Luckily, it comes and goes in waves. And work is REALLY busy right now, so that helps a lot.
I have gotten a mixed bag of reactions to the news, from shock to confusion to relief to pity -- and everything inbetween. What has been surprising to me is how invested some of our friends were in "us". A couple of them are having a hard time coming to terms that we broke up. For real. And no, we are not getting back together. I've been really surprised at how many family members were relieved to hear the news. They could tell we weren't a good fit. But they kept their mouths shut. I do not blame them. Telling someone they are with the wrong person is very difficult.
I am worried about the long term effects of this living situation. I have a friend who is in a similar situation. She's been in it for about 6 months now, and they are waiting for the house to sell before they can part ways. Ugh. I feel for her. Anyway, she said to me the other day that she's thinking about getting back together with him. I am worried that as time passes, I may start thinking like that, and fall back to where we were, and end up dragging things out or making a mistake...ugh. So I am a little concerned about my future and my ability to stay strong for a long period of time (we all have our needs -- *ahem*) and still move on despite the fact that I am living with an ex-fiance.
But I have to say that we are both being respectful, mature and flexible. So I'm kind of proud of us. Most people would turn this into a vindictive, painful and petty living situation. We are not.
I don't think he would admit it, even to himself, but I think he feels some relief, too. The pressure to be someone he's not is all gone. He doesn't have to try and understand me or my needs anymore. I think he may be starting to see how this is a good thing. Or maybe I just tell myself that to alleviate some of the mountains of guilt I am experiencing.
More than anything, though, I feel really really alone and lost. For the first time in my life. For two years, I have been a part of something. And now it's gone. Who am I? Why did I put myself in this situation? Am I pushing people away? How do I get in touch with myself again, when so much of my identity is wrapped up with him? What's next?
I guess today is one of those bad days.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Friday, October 02, 2009
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Blogging Rut
Can you tell I'm in a blogging rut? It's just one of those times in your life where there isn't much going on, and I don't want to bore my readers with mundane things, so I just don't blog. Life hits lulls in action like this sometimes. Maybe it is the quiet before the storm?
Random updates..........(this will be super-random, I apologize, but it's been a long day at the library!)
First let me say that if you are a vet, thank you for serving our country. I cannot imagine the sacrifice our veterans have made over the decades and am grateful to all veterans for keeping us safe and free. If I could, I would be proud to shake your hand. :)
Yes, I am still obsessed with genealogy. I will spare you the details. But I haven't really been up to much else. That is so sad to type that, and then read it. And realize it's a statement about yourself...*sigh* I am 29, yet I live the life of an 83 year old. What can I say? I have never been cool. Why start now? There's no use in denying my lack of general hipness.
As I predicted in my last post, Lady Starfish did not call. I am not really surprised by that, and not really sure what to do. After a certain point, it takes two people to make a friendship work. I feel like I have always been the one to do the work. Then again, as we can see from the last paragraph, it's not like she's missing much.
Speaking of friendships...
Did I tell you that my roommate, E, moved out? She moved out at the end of October. Which is fine by me. Things had been...uncomfortable between us for some time. The random guy in her bed (uh, there's a post on it...somewhere...) was pretty much the nail in the coffin for our peaceful cohabitation. Although I will miss having the extra money, it is such a relief to know that I don't have to share my house with anyone else anymore. To be honest, she was driving me batty, and I don't know if I can even still be friends with her. What is that saying....familiarity breeds contempt? Yes, I think that sums it up pretty well. I might blog more about this at a later point. I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with me, as I am starting to not like most people the older I get....hmmm. This might deserve a post of its own...perhaps my personality is aging faster than my body? I am starting to feel like a cranky old fart trapped in an overweight young person's body......oh dear......
I didn't do much for Halloween. JP (my other partner in crime) and I went to MJ's house to give out candy to trick-or-treaters and watch a scary movie. The trick-or-treaters never showed up, so JP and I got to take home all the left over candy. Which is great if you have a sweet tooth, but BAD if you have a sweet tooth AND you're trying to lose weight. (And to answer your question, no, I have not lost any weight. And I don't want to talk about it.) We watched a movie called The Strangers, and it was pretty good. It definitely had some freaky moments.
After that, I got a pretty bad cold, so I felt like crap all last week-- up until yesterday, really. I was Kleenex Queen. All I wanted to do was take swigs from a bottle of Nyquil, nap on my couch and eat soup.
Let's see. What else has been going on.
Sammy has an ear infection.
MJ is dating a hot French guy.
I am getting back into working out again (still waiting for diet motivation to make an appearance, however...).
Last night, I dreamt that I was on a road trip with Barack Obama. I was riding shotgun in a beat-up pick up truck, and I said something funny, and we had a good laugh. That's all I remember.
Oh, and CN used the phrase, "...or I could get you a ring." the other day.
:0
Yup. You read that correctly. More later. I will keep you hanging for now!
Random updates..........(this will be super-random, I apologize, but it's been a long day at the library!)
First let me say that if you are a vet, thank you for serving our country. I cannot imagine the sacrifice our veterans have made over the decades and am grateful to all veterans for keeping us safe and free. If I could, I would be proud to shake your hand. :)
Yes, I am still obsessed with genealogy. I will spare you the details. But I haven't really been up to much else. That is so sad to type that, and then read it. And realize it's a statement about yourself...*sigh* I am 29, yet I live the life of an 83 year old. What can I say? I have never been cool. Why start now? There's no use in denying my lack of general hipness.
As I predicted in my last post, Lady Starfish did not call. I am not really surprised by that, and not really sure what to do. After a certain point, it takes two people to make a friendship work. I feel like I have always been the one to do the work. Then again, as we can see from the last paragraph, it's not like she's missing much.
Speaking of friendships...
Did I tell you that my roommate, E, moved out? She moved out at the end of October. Which is fine by me. Things had been...uncomfortable between us for some time. The random guy in her bed (uh, there's a post on it...somewhere...) was pretty much the nail in the coffin for our peaceful cohabitation. Although I will miss having the extra money, it is such a relief to know that I don't have to share my house with anyone else anymore. To be honest, she was driving me batty, and I don't know if I can even still be friends with her. What is that saying....familiarity breeds contempt? Yes, I think that sums it up pretty well. I might blog more about this at a later point. I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with me, as I am starting to not like most people the older I get....hmmm. This might deserve a post of its own...perhaps my personality is aging faster than my body? I am starting to feel like a cranky old fart trapped in an overweight young person's body......oh dear......
I didn't do much for Halloween. JP (my other partner in crime) and I went to MJ's house to give out candy to trick-or-treaters and watch a scary movie. The trick-or-treaters never showed up, so JP and I got to take home all the left over candy. Which is great if you have a sweet tooth, but BAD if you have a sweet tooth AND you're trying to lose weight. (And to answer your question, no, I have not lost any weight. And I don't want to talk about it.) We watched a movie called The Strangers, and it was pretty good. It definitely had some freaky moments.
After that, I got a pretty bad cold, so I felt like crap all last week-- up until yesterday, really. I was Kleenex Queen. All I wanted to do was take swigs from a bottle of Nyquil, nap on my couch and eat soup.
Let's see. What else has been going on.
Sammy has an ear infection.
MJ is dating a hot French guy.
I am getting back into working out again (still waiting for diet motivation to make an appearance, however...).
Last night, I dreamt that I was on a road trip with Barack Obama. I was riding shotgun in a beat-up pick up truck, and I said something funny, and we had a good laugh. That's all I remember.
Oh, and CN used the phrase, "...or I could get you a ring." the other day.
:0
Yup. You read that correctly. More later. I will keep you hanging for now!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Uh Oh! Hot Dog Monkey on My Back!
Well, between working two jobs, dog sitting and living my life, my blog has been sorely neglected, and I apologize. And if I am not posting to my blog, that also means I am not reading your blog. So I apologize for that, too. When I get a minute, I will try to catch up with everyone.
Things have happened, but nothing really adds up to a full post. So I am here to give you the highlights:
1. My new part time job at Dildo's dept store is fine. I guess. I mean, it's retail. So you're pretty bored most of the time. But it's easy money. I have stuff to share (Ok, more like bitching to do), but I will get into that later.
2. Biggie, the dog I kept over the Memorial Day Week (yeah, it was almost a week, so that's what I'm calling it -- the dog was at my house for 5 days!), turned out to be.....a total asshole. He would start whining at FOUR in the morning and would not stop. My house is so small that moving his crate into the spare bedroom didn't work -- I could still hear him. So after the first sleepless night, I stayed at CN's house for the rest of the week.
Then, CN went to walk him and Sammy one night while I was at work. He called me:
CN: Hey babe. Just checking on the dogs for you. Um, where do you keep your band-aids?
VB: Why do you need band-aids?
CN: Well, cause I was throwing the ball with the dogs, and they sort of...got into a fight.
VB: What?! Are they ok?
CN: Yeah, I think. Biggie bit Sammy's ear. I think. One of them is bleeding. I'm pretty sure it's Sammy. Should I put a band-aid on it?
*exasperated sigh on my part*
VB: No, dogs don't wear band-aids, honey. Is Sammy ok?
CN: Yeah, he seems to be acting normal. Hey, babe, where do you keep your uh, carpet cleaner?
VB: *slightly panicky* Did they get blood on the carpet? Or on the rug my mom got me???!!
*CN tries to describe where the blood is, but I have no idea what he's talking about, because he's a boy and doesn't know the difference between the terms "rug" and "carpet" and "slipcovered sofa", and I didn't feel like teaching a home decorating vocabulary lesson, so I just told him to squirt some of the carpet cleaner on it*
*CN does as instructed.*
CN: Ok, um, what do I clean it up with?
*I tell him where the rags are and tell him where to put the dirty rag when he's done.*
CN: Ok, I did that.
*A commotion erupts in the background*
CN: Ok, um, Biggie just barfed.
VB: Oh God. Where?
CN: Right next to me. Oh Jeez, it's everywhere.
VB: *panicking again* Is it on the rug or the carpet? Or on the couch? Wait, forget I asked. Just clean it up.
CN: Oh! Wait! No big deal. He's licking it back up! Yeah! Good boy, Biggie!
*another exasperated sigh on my part*
Sammy's ear is fine, and there were no more Biggie problems (well, except the poop he left for me in the living room...but that was my own fault...) for the rest of the week. But I'm never sitting Biggie again. Ever. He is like having 5 dogs, all wrapped up in one tiny Jack Russell body. And my poor little head cannot handle his incessant barking. And my sleeping schedule cannot handle his whining. So my house is officially a No Biggie Zone. Please don't tell my friend Super. I sort of down-played all of his bad behavior.
3. I had a dream the other night that CN and I were down visiting his parents. He had mentioned that he wanted to meet up with someone named Heather, but I forgot about it when I was helping his parents prepare for the huge storm heading straight for their house. After the storm was over, CN was nowhere to be found, so I texted him to see where he was. "I'm playing poker with Heather at McAir's." -- McAir's was a bar. I can't remember what he said after that, but what it boiled down to was that he was hanging out with some girl named Heather and he wanted me to leave him alone. He blew me off! So I spent the rest of the dream crying and feeling hurt. When I woke up, it was difficult not to be angry at him, actually!
And no, there is no Heather in real life, unless you count my friend Mr. Bill's wife.
4. Speaking of CN's parents, they were in a pretty bad storm about 2 weeks ago. Their house was near a tornado that went through the area -- this is probably why I had that dream. Anyway, they don't know if they were hit by an actual tornado, but 4 windows in their house were blown out, as well as all the windows in their truck. The hail was so big, it left big divots in their yard and dents all over their truck! I think it messed up their roof, too. They are fine, but had to file some insurance claims.
5. I was in the dog house with CN last weekend. We wanted to grill out, but I had to go to work that night, so we planned on eating an early dinner at 3pm. Three came and went. I waited and waited and waited....and finally gave up and ate by myself. Little did I know, he was over at his house, grilling up a massive feast of food: chicken, tilapia, burgers, corn and hot dogs. He came over at about 5 to tell me the food was ready, and like a dumbass, I blurted out that I already ate and was running late for work, so I didn't have time to eat anything he had made. He was pissed. Oops. I apologized and explained that I wanted to eat at 3, not 5. He pointed out that I should have called to see what was going on. He was right. But then I pointed out that he was crazy for making all this food for just the two of us. He was upset but said he'd get over it. I went to work. By the time I got home later on, I was STARVED, so I came over and ate a bunch of it. That seemed to soothe his hurt feelings. I still feel terrible about it. He had been cooking all afternoon for me. Good thing I made him some cookies. I think that helped, too.
6. You all know how much of a total sugar addict I am. I mean, at this point, I think an intervention is in order. It is that bad. If you don't believe me, consider today's realization:
MJ is stuck at work, craving chocolate desperately. Unfortunately, she has no money for the vending machine. (Why none of her coworkers can bum her 50 cents is another issue, but whatever...) I told her that if she wants, she can come over to my house after work to have some of my chocolate. That's when I realized I have all of the following at my house right now:
chocolate ice cream (fat free)
chocolate pudding (sugar free and fat free)
Jell-O pudding pops (some are chocolate)
chocolate covered pretzels
chocolate Twizzlers (ok, actually, I polished those off last night...)
Nestle Qwik drink mix (sugar free)
Hershey's chocolate syrup
hot chocolate (diet)
chocolate chex mix
brownie mix
chocolate cake mix
chocolate frosting
I. AM. A. FREAK.
Jeez, I could open up a Chocolate Store with all that!!! And this isn't even including the non-chocolate sweets at my house. I have Jolly Ranchers, whip cream.....and maybe some animal crackers.
I think it's pretty safe to say that I have an addiction to the little white crystals, and I don't mean crack. I want to get off the white stuff, I swear! But I just can't do it! I know I would lose so much weight if I could just STOP the sweet tooth. Because I don't eat all that badly, outside of the sweets. But I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE sweets. *sigh*
So yeah, the monkey on my back? It's still there. Although I can now run 3 miles and knock out all kinds of weight lifting, my muscular under-bod is still encased in a squishy layer of blubberized sugar. And thanks to MJ, now I am specifically craving chocolate. *sigh*
6. And thanks to CN, who started joking with me today about the following video, I am now craving hot dogs, too.
Will Ferrell As Harry Carey
7. If the rain holds out, hopefully I will be able to get one at the baseball game tonight. A big group of us is planning on going. Since it's the season opener, the tix are half price, the beer is a buck and there are fireworks afterwards! YAY!!!
8. Speaking of funny hot dog videos, I can't forget to share this one. I love MadTV, and especially Bobby Lee. He cracks me up!
Things have happened, but nothing really adds up to a full post. So I am here to give you the highlights:
1. My new part time job at Dildo's dept store is fine. I guess. I mean, it's retail. So you're pretty bored most of the time. But it's easy money. I have stuff to share (Ok, more like bitching to do), but I will get into that later.
2. Biggie, the dog I kept over the Memorial Day Week (yeah, it was almost a week, so that's what I'm calling it -- the dog was at my house for 5 days!), turned out to be.....a total asshole. He would start whining at FOUR in the morning and would not stop. My house is so small that moving his crate into the spare bedroom didn't work -- I could still hear him. So after the first sleepless night, I stayed at CN's house for the rest of the week.
Then, CN went to walk him and Sammy one night while I was at work. He called me:
CN: Hey babe. Just checking on the dogs for you. Um, where do you keep your band-aids?
VB: Why do you need band-aids?
CN: Well, cause I was throwing the ball with the dogs, and they sort of...got into a fight.
VB: What?! Are they ok?
CN: Yeah, I think. Biggie bit Sammy's ear. I think. One of them is bleeding. I'm pretty sure it's Sammy. Should I put a band-aid on it?
*exasperated sigh on my part*
VB: No, dogs don't wear band-aids, honey. Is Sammy ok?
CN: Yeah, he seems to be acting normal. Hey, babe, where do you keep your uh, carpet cleaner?
VB: *slightly panicky* Did they get blood on the carpet? Or on the rug my mom got me???!!
*CN tries to describe where the blood is, but I have no idea what he's talking about, because he's a boy and doesn't know the difference between the terms "rug" and "carpet" and "slipcovered sofa", and I didn't feel like teaching a home decorating vocabulary lesson, so I just told him to squirt some of the carpet cleaner on it*
*CN does as instructed.*
CN: Ok, um, what do I clean it up with?
*I tell him where the rags are and tell him where to put the dirty rag when he's done.*
CN: Ok, I did that.
*A commotion erupts in the background*
CN: Ok, um, Biggie just barfed.
VB: Oh God. Where?
CN: Right next to me. Oh Jeez, it's everywhere.
VB: *panicking again* Is it on the rug or the carpet? Or on the couch? Wait, forget I asked. Just clean it up.
CN: Oh! Wait! No big deal. He's licking it back up! Yeah! Good boy, Biggie!
*another exasperated sigh on my part*
Sammy's ear is fine, and there were no more Biggie problems (well, except the poop he left for me in the living room...but that was my own fault...) for the rest of the week. But I'm never sitting Biggie again. Ever. He is like having 5 dogs, all wrapped up in one tiny Jack Russell body. And my poor little head cannot handle his incessant barking. And my sleeping schedule cannot handle his whining. So my house is officially a No Biggie Zone. Please don't tell my friend Super. I sort of down-played all of his bad behavior.
3. I had a dream the other night that CN and I were down visiting his parents. He had mentioned that he wanted to meet up with someone named Heather, but I forgot about it when I was helping his parents prepare for the huge storm heading straight for their house. After the storm was over, CN was nowhere to be found, so I texted him to see where he was. "I'm playing poker with Heather at McAir's." -- McAir's was a bar. I can't remember what he said after that, but what it boiled down to was that he was hanging out with some girl named Heather and he wanted me to leave him alone. He blew me off! So I spent the rest of the dream crying and feeling hurt. When I woke up, it was difficult not to be angry at him, actually!
And no, there is no Heather in real life, unless you count my friend Mr. Bill's wife.
4. Speaking of CN's parents, they were in a pretty bad storm about 2 weeks ago. Their house was near a tornado that went through the area -- this is probably why I had that dream. Anyway, they don't know if they were hit by an actual tornado, but 4 windows in their house were blown out, as well as all the windows in their truck. The hail was so big, it left big divots in their yard and dents all over their truck! I think it messed up their roof, too. They are fine, but had to file some insurance claims.
5. I was in the dog house with CN last weekend. We wanted to grill out, but I had to go to work that night, so we planned on eating an early dinner at 3pm. Three came and went. I waited and waited and waited....and finally gave up and ate by myself. Little did I know, he was over at his house, grilling up a massive feast of food: chicken, tilapia, burgers, corn and hot dogs. He came over at about 5 to tell me the food was ready, and like a dumbass, I blurted out that I already ate and was running late for work, so I didn't have time to eat anything he had made. He was pissed. Oops. I apologized and explained that I wanted to eat at 3, not 5. He pointed out that I should have called to see what was going on. He was right. But then I pointed out that he was crazy for making all this food for just the two of us. He was upset but said he'd get over it. I went to work. By the time I got home later on, I was STARVED, so I came over and ate a bunch of it. That seemed to soothe his hurt feelings. I still feel terrible about it. He had been cooking all afternoon for me. Good thing I made him some cookies. I think that helped, too.
6. You all know how much of a total sugar addict I am. I mean, at this point, I think an intervention is in order. It is that bad. If you don't believe me, consider today's realization:
MJ is stuck at work, craving chocolate desperately. Unfortunately, she has no money for the vending machine. (Why none of her coworkers can bum her 50 cents is another issue, but whatever...) I told her that if she wants, she can come over to my house after work to have some of my chocolate. That's when I realized I have all of the following at my house right now:
chocolate ice cream (fat free)
chocolate pudding (sugar free and fat free)
Jell-O pudding pops (some are chocolate)
chocolate covered pretzels
chocolate Twizzlers (ok, actually, I polished those off last night...)
Nestle Qwik drink mix (sugar free)
Hershey's chocolate syrup
hot chocolate (diet)
chocolate chex mix
brownie mix
chocolate cake mix
chocolate frosting
I. AM. A. FREAK.
Jeez, I could open up a Chocolate Store with all that!!! And this isn't even including the non-chocolate sweets at my house. I have Jolly Ranchers, whip cream.....and maybe some animal crackers.
I think it's pretty safe to say that I have an addiction to the little white crystals, and I don't mean crack. I want to get off the white stuff, I swear! But I just can't do it! I know I would lose so much weight if I could just STOP the sweet tooth. Because I don't eat all that badly, outside of the sweets. But I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE sweets. *sigh*
So yeah, the monkey on my back? It's still there. Although I can now run 3 miles and knock out all kinds of weight lifting, my muscular under-bod is still encased in a squishy layer of blubberized sugar. And thanks to MJ, now I am specifically craving chocolate. *sigh*
6. And thanks to CN, who started joking with me today about the following video, I am now craving hot dogs, too.
Will Ferrell As Harry Carey
7. If the rain holds out, hopefully I will be able to get one at the baseball game tonight. A big group of us is planning on going. Since it's the season opener, the tix are half price, the beer is a buck and there are fireworks afterwards! YAY!!!
8. Speaking of funny hot dog videos, I can't forget to share this one. I love MadTV, and especially Bobby Lee. He cracks me up!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Nightmare
Last night, I had what was one of the worst dreams of my life. I've had dreams where my parents die or where my dad was cheating on my mom. I've had dreams where my friends and family are upset, or that someone is harassing me. But last night, my dream played out more like a horror movie than a personal drama. It really freaked me out!!
MJ and I were trying to get to Philly to meet up with The Rat Pack. (This is the same group of 4 guys we hung out with on last year's NYC/Vermont trip. And we are trying to plan a trip to Philly next month, since two of The Rat Pack members live in Philly. So I'm assuming this is what my subconscious was thinking about when I had this dream.)
In the dream, for some reason, MJ and I didn't have access to our credit cards. We were stuck with just whatever cash we had on us. And it made more financial sense for us to take a Greyhound bus to Philly, rather than drive in MJ's car. So we got on the bus, where we were joined by KT and a couple members of The Rat Pack. (This makes no sense, because MJ and I are the only ones who do not live in New England, but what do you expect? This is a dream, after all.)
By the time the bus stops, we are exhausted. I don't know where we are, but it is a city of some kind. We don't go to a hotel. Instead, we go to a boarding house because it was cheaper. (Do boarding houses even exist anymore??) It may have been a hostel....I can't remember. We are still limited to whatever cash we have, at this point, so I think we were looking for somewhere to crash so we could figure out how to get to Philly the next day.
This hostel/boarding house was an old, early 20th century home. It was a late Victorian style, so it had a big front porch, huge front staircase, wide hallways, tall ceilings, big windows and large rooms. The boarding house was owned and operated by an elderly couple who creeped me out. Of course, even more disturbing, no one else thought they were creepy.
So we are all so broke that we can only afford to rent one very large bedroom upstairs. There are at least 5 of us. We take our suitcases up the big, main staircase to go find our room. I notice that the wallpaper in the house looks to be original, because it is water-damaged, faded and peeling. In fact, everything in the house looked original, from the carpet to the furniture to the doorknobs. Everything was a sort of beige or rose color. With dark wood paneling. It was kind of creepy. And quiet. Very, very quiet.
At the top of the staircase, there is a big hallway. Our room is at the end of the hall. Here's the really creepy part: on the floor of the hallway, in front of each closed bedroom door, there was a baby doll head. Each one had a different facial expression, and they all faced the door nearest to them. Some dolls were smiling, others were angry or terrified. They were all creepy. I mean, someone had obviously ripped the heads off of baby dolls and set them down like this in the hallway! And who's ever heard of a baby doll with angry or scared facial expressions???! I told my friends this place was creepy and I didn't want to stay. They thought I was nuts.
Again, I am the only person who seemed to have a problem with the creepiness. Great.
Our room had several beds, and everyone was so tired that they went to bed immediately. They didn't brush their teeth or even get into pajamas. They just crashed. Meanwhile, I cannot sleep for shit because I'm still thinking about the creepy baby heads in the hallway.
To make it even spookier, we are the only tenants in the place. It's eerily quiet and empty. Just us and the baby doll heads.
When we paid for our room, I had noticed there was a sign by the desk saying that meals were served at certain times. So I decided that I would go back down to the desk to see if it was time to eat yet. I couldn't bear to be near those baby heads anymore. I woke up my friend to tell him where I was going, tip-toed down the hallway, trying not to touch the baby doll heads (which moved on their own to turn and look at me with their varying facial expressions as I passed by!!!).
I made my way to the front desk downstairs, and asked if dinner was served yet. The wife told me that there was still an hour before it would be served. So I decided to make my way back upstairs to try and get my friends to leave this creepy place.
Then, something-- I can't remember what, maybe it was a little voice in my head-- tells me what is going on: the husband and wife who run the place are actually serial killers who are trying to make us their next victims!!!! I am totally freaked out by this realization, obviously. Then the little voice in my head tells me that depending on the expression of your room's baby doll head, you will know if the elderly couple likes you enough to let you live.
Yeah. At this point, even my dream self is like, "Dude, this is f**ked up. Get the hell outta here!!"
So now I need to know which expression our room's baby doll head has. I am back upstairs, walking slowly down the hallway. I know which rooms have dead bodies in them, because the baby doll heads have angry or scared looks on their faces. And of course, the baby doll heads are watching me again. Which is just freaking fantastic.
Sure enough, our room now has its own baby doll head. It had appeared while I had been downstairs!!! I didn't look at its expression -- at this point, I didn't care. We were all checking out right now, no questions asked. I wake everyone up and freak them out enough (I believe I was crying and screaming) to convince them that we need to leave -- NOW. I think they only agreed so that I would shut up and they could finally get some sleep!
We pack up all our stuff and head back down the main staircase. As we are waiting at the bottom of the stairs to check out (why we are taking the time to do this, I don't know), the old man flies down the stairs, holding a knife (or maybe it was a gun?) , trying to stop us from leaving, even if it means he has to kill us!!! We all scream and try to escape. The next thing I know, a large piece of wood falls off of the upstairs banister and impales the old man before he can hurt us! WHAM! It goes right through his torso, killing him instantly.
We must have either ignored or fought off the old lady, because I remember she was protesting our escape, too. We ran out of the house and down the street. That's when I realized we had been in Philly the whole time.
Ugh. No more Jersey Mike's before bedtime.
MJ and I were trying to get to Philly to meet up with The Rat Pack. (This is the same group of 4 guys we hung out with on last year's NYC/Vermont trip. And we are trying to plan a trip to Philly next month, since two of The Rat Pack members live in Philly. So I'm assuming this is what my subconscious was thinking about when I had this dream.)
In the dream, for some reason, MJ and I didn't have access to our credit cards. We were stuck with just whatever cash we had on us. And it made more financial sense for us to take a Greyhound bus to Philly, rather than drive in MJ's car. So we got on the bus, where we were joined by KT and a couple members of The Rat Pack. (This makes no sense, because MJ and I are the only ones who do not live in New England, but what do you expect? This is a dream, after all.)
By the time the bus stops, we are exhausted. I don't know where we are, but it is a city of some kind. We don't go to a hotel. Instead, we go to a boarding house because it was cheaper. (Do boarding houses even exist anymore??) It may have been a hostel....I can't remember. We are still limited to whatever cash we have, at this point, so I think we were looking for somewhere to crash so we could figure out how to get to Philly the next day.
This hostel/boarding house was an old, early 20th century home. It was a late Victorian style, so it had a big front porch, huge front staircase, wide hallways, tall ceilings, big windows and large rooms. The boarding house was owned and operated by an elderly couple who creeped me out. Of course, even more disturbing, no one else thought they were creepy.
So we are all so broke that we can only afford to rent one very large bedroom upstairs. There are at least 5 of us. We take our suitcases up the big, main staircase to go find our room. I notice that the wallpaper in the house looks to be original, because it is water-damaged, faded and peeling. In fact, everything in the house looked original, from the carpet to the furniture to the doorknobs. Everything was a sort of beige or rose color. With dark wood paneling. It was kind of creepy. And quiet. Very, very quiet.
At the top of the staircase, there is a big hallway. Our room is at the end of the hall. Here's the really creepy part: on the floor of the hallway, in front of each closed bedroom door, there was a baby doll head. Each one had a different facial expression, and they all faced the door nearest to them. Some dolls were smiling, others were angry or terrified. They were all creepy. I mean, someone had obviously ripped the heads off of baby dolls and set them down like this in the hallway! And who's ever heard of a baby doll with angry or scared facial expressions???! I told my friends this place was creepy and I didn't want to stay. They thought I was nuts.
Again, I am the only person who seemed to have a problem with the creepiness. Great.
Our room had several beds, and everyone was so tired that they went to bed immediately. They didn't brush their teeth or even get into pajamas. They just crashed. Meanwhile, I cannot sleep for shit because I'm still thinking about the creepy baby heads in the hallway.
To make it even spookier, we are the only tenants in the place. It's eerily quiet and empty. Just us and the baby doll heads.
When we paid for our room, I had noticed there was a sign by the desk saying that meals were served at certain times. So I decided that I would go back down to the desk to see if it was time to eat yet. I couldn't bear to be near those baby heads anymore. I woke up my friend to tell him where I was going, tip-toed down the hallway, trying not to touch the baby doll heads (which moved on their own to turn and look at me with their varying facial expressions as I passed by!!!).
I made my way to the front desk downstairs, and asked if dinner was served yet. The wife told me that there was still an hour before it would be served. So I decided to make my way back upstairs to try and get my friends to leave this creepy place.
Then, something-- I can't remember what, maybe it was a little voice in my head-- tells me what is going on: the husband and wife who run the place are actually serial killers who are trying to make us their next victims!!!! I am totally freaked out by this realization, obviously. Then the little voice in my head tells me that depending on the expression of your room's baby doll head, you will know if the elderly couple likes you enough to let you live.
Yeah. At this point, even my dream self is like, "Dude, this is f**ked up. Get the hell outta here!!"
So now I need to know which expression our room's baby doll head has. I am back upstairs, walking slowly down the hallway. I know which rooms have dead bodies in them, because the baby doll heads have angry or scared looks on their faces. And of course, the baby doll heads are watching me again. Which is just freaking fantastic.
Sure enough, our room now has its own baby doll head. It had appeared while I had been downstairs!!! I didn't look at its expression -- at this point, I didn't care. We were all checking out right now, no questions asked. I wake everyone up and freak them out enough (I believe I was crying and screaming) to convince them that we need to leave -- NOW. I think they only agreed so that I would shut up and they could finally get some sleep!
We pack up all our stuff and head back down the main staircase. As we are waiting at the bottom of the stairs to check out (why we are taking the time to do this, I don't know), the old man flies down the stairs, holding a knife (or maybe it was a gun?) , trying to stop us from leaving, even if it means he has to kill us!!! We all scream and try to escape. The next thing I know, a large piece of wood falls off of the upstairs banister and impales the old man before he can hurt us! WHAM! It goes right through his torso, killing him instantly.
We must have either ignored or fought off the old lady, because I remember she was protesting our escape, too. We ran out of the house and down the street. That's when I realized we had been in Philly the whole time.
Ugh. No more Jersey Mike's before bedtime.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Mr. Comedian & The Cruise
A conversation with my boyfriend, via text message:
Me: I just saw your twin! [On a side note, this guy looked so much like CN, I did a double-triple take!]
CN: You saw Brad Pitt?
Me: *playing along* Yes! He's on campus for some reason.
CN: Tell him he owes me 8 bucks for that Meet Joe Black movie.
And earlier today on myspace:
Me: Babe! Did you know there might be a chocolate buffet on our cruise???!!
CN: Well, I guess if we get separated, I will know where to find you.
Ha. Ha. Mr. Comedian.
I haven't told you about the dream I had, have I? I had a dream the other night that CN and I were getting married. I was arguing with the lady at the dress store about the design of my wedding dress. It was (oddly enough) strapless and blue and white striped. The fabric was silky, and the stripes were small and even-width. There was embellishment at the bust. The dress looked very strange, actually. Ugly, even. No offense to you if you like striped wedding dresses., but this one did not look good. Obviously, if you are reading this and you know CN in real life, you are NOT allowed to inform him of this dream. On penalty of death. Dude, I'm not kidding. Zip it.
I know I said I would talk about the cruise today. Here's some stuff I want to share:
1. Our ship, the Celebration, is the second-oldest ship in the Carnival fleet. Its maiden voyage was in 1987, and the decor reflects this. (Hell-o neon signs and super-bright colors! Ugh.) But word on the streets is, they make up for this with their fantastic service. The maitre d is supposed to be hilarious. The Broadway-themed show is supposed to be great, one of the comedians is a riot and the waiters remember what drink you like to drink at dinner. The room service is super-quick and the cabin attendants are thoughtful. I know all of this because I have been reading all the passenger reviews on Cruise Critic.
2. This will be kind of a special cruise, because the Celebration has recently been sold to a Spanish tourism company, and this summer it will be re-fitted for that cruise line, which does not sail in North America. We will be on the next-to-last sailing of this ship for Carnival. And since we will be sailing out of Jacksonville, we get to go under this huge bridge when we leave port. It's supposed to be really cool. I will try to take pics so I can share.
3. The showers in the cabins are difficult to control. The water will run from icy cold to blistering hot, and then back again, with no warning. This will piss me off, I can already tell you. But if this is the biggest complaint, I think I will be ok. :)
4. I am living in fear of getting sea sick, since we all know I am Barf Queen. I am coming prepared with the following: dramamine, ginger snaps, ginger altoids and those magnetic bracelet things. I should be fine -- I was on a small boat cruise around Lake Michigan once, and I was fine. But I'm still freaking out. If I do get sea sick, at least I will not be able to eat anything and I will lose weight, right??? But dude, if there's a chocolate buffet, I am eating it, even if I am sick. I don't care.
5. A month or two ago, right after embarkation, the captain of the ship was notified by the U.S. Marshals and the FBI that he must not go into International Waters quite yet. Why? Because there was a convicted murderer on board, running from the law, and they needed to arrest him before they hit International Waters. Yeah. Wowza. How did I know about this interesting little factoid? There's a website that keeps track of all the reports of insanity and zaniness aboard cruise ships. You can also look up the safety record of all the ships.
I encourage you to browse around it if you're bored -- some of the stories are hilarious, like the drunk guy who climbed into the life boat. He grabbed an ax (don't ask me where he got an ax) and began chopping away at the rope holding the life boat. Security approached him and told him to stop and climb down. He did. But he was so drunk, he jumped the wrong way -- into the ocean. What a dumbass.
Other people submit their rants about being on the "cruise from hell". One family, which included two small children, found themselves on board a cruise that consisted mainly of swingers. LOL now THAT is funny. How would you handle that as a parent, you know? LOL I imagine it's something like this:
Little Bobby: Hey, Daddy, that man over there said that he wanted to come to our room tonight to party with you and Mommy. I told him that would be fun, because you said I don't have a bedtime while we are on the boat!
Daddy: *gulp!* Uh...ok, we will have to see about that.
Little Bobby: Daddy, what's a rubber?
6. Of course, we all know what I'm really excited about: the food. Duh. Between the burgers, ice cream, pizza, chocolate buffet, Mexican buffet, pancakes, waffles, bacon, filet mignon, salmon, lobster, shrimp, chocolate hot lava cake, free room service and all the Diet Coke I can drink for $20, I am really looking forward to it! I can order as many dinners and desserts as I want! This truly sounds like heaven to me. *Realization about the reason for my weight loss problems set in* Crap. I am going to gain 10 pounds. Crap. Crap. Crap. Ok, I will pack my work out clothes in the hopes that I will want to go for an on-deck run. Which sounds like a blast, actually.
7. There is a penny slot machine in the casino. I am not much of a gambler, but I do have a penny jar I am not using....WOOT. There's also trivia contests (CN and I love to do those), bingo, karaoke, chess, putt-putt golf, game show-type things and a hairy chest contest by the pool.
"You should enter that!" I said to CN.
"That's not funny," he replied. CN has approximately 4 hairs on his skinny little chest. LOL
"But that's why you will win! Don't you see? It will be hilarious!" I exclaimed.
He did not agree. But I'll try and talk him into it. Perhaps I can bargain with him by participating in karaoke. (I am NOT a karaoke person. I can't sing for squat, and I don't like being in the spotlight, literally or figuratively.)
8. The locals in The Bahamas are nice, but very pushy when it comes to selling you things. I am hoping there will be a plethora of fake designer hand bags, prices negotiable. And some cute jewelry.
Ok, that's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there will be more to share after this weekend. I have so much to do before I go:
find a beach cover-up
stock up on self-tanner and sunblock
find a wide-brimmed hat
possibly buy a new bikini
dye my roots (I can't take it anymore! I do not want yucky roots in my photos!)
weed my backyard
get Sammy ready for his trip to MJ's house while I'm gone
clean my house
burn a CD to commemorate the trip
give myself a manicure and pedicure
clean out my fridge
learn how to operate CN's new camera (he won't take the time to learn, he said)
start packing!!!
I leave on Thursday morning, so I will probably post again before I go. WOO HOO!!! Have a great weekend, everyone!
Me: I just saw your twin! [On a side note, this guy looked so much like CN, I did a double-triple take!]
CN: You saw Brad Pitt?
Me: *playing along* Yes! He's on campus for some reason.
CN: Tell him he owes me 8 bucks for that Meet Joe Black movie.
And earlier today on myspace:
Me: Babe! Did you know there might be a chocolate buffet on our cruise???!!
CN: Well, I guess if we get separated, I will know where to find you.
Ha. Ha. Mr. Comedian.
I haven't told you about the dream I had, have I? I had a dream the other night that CN and I were getting married. I was arguing with the lady at the dress store about the design of my wedding dress. It was (oddly enough) strapless and blue and white striped. The fabric was silky, and the stripes were small and even-width. There was embellishment at the bust. The dress looked very strange, actually. Ugly, even. No offense to you if you like striped wedding dresses., but this one did not look good. Obviously, if you are reading this and you know CN in real life, you are NOT allowed to inform him of this dream. On penalty of death. Dude, I'm not kidding. Zip it.
I know I said I would talk about the cruise today. Here's some stuff I want to share:
1. Our ship, the Celebration, is the second-oldest ship in the Carnival fleet. Its maiden voyage was in 1987, and the decor reflects this. (Hell-o neon signs and super-bright colors! Ugh.) But word on the streets is, they make up for this with their fantastic service. The maitre d is supposed to be hilarious. The Broadway-themed show is supposed to be great, one of the comedians is a riot and the waiters remember what drink you like to drink at dinner. The room service is super-quick and the cabin attendants are thoughtful. I know all of this because I have been reading all the passenger reviews on Cruise Critic.
2. This will be kind of a special cruise, because the Celebration has recently been sold to a Spanish tourism company, and this summer it will be re-fitted for that cruise line, which does not sail in North America. We will be on the next-to-last sailing of this ship for Carnival. And since we will be sailing out of Jacksonville, we get to go under this huge bridge when we leave port. It's supposed to be really cool. I will try to take pics so I can share.
3. The showers in the cabins are difficult to control. The water will run from icy cold to blistering hot, and then back again, with no warning. This will piss me off, I can already tell you. But if this is the biggest complaint, I think I will be ok. :)
4. I am living in fear of getting sea sick, since we all know I am Barf Queen. I am coming prepared with the following: dramamine, ginger snaps, ginger altoids and those magnetic bracelet things. I should be fine -- I was on a small boat cruise around Lake Michigan once, and I was fine. But I'm still freaking out. If I do get sea sick, at least I will not be able to eat anything and I will lose weight, right??? But dude, if there's a chocolate buffet, I am eating it, even if I am sick. I don't care.
5. A month or two ago, right after embarkation, the captain of the ship was notified by the U.S. Marshals and the FBI that he must not go into International Waters quite yet. Why? Because there was a convicted murderer on board, running from the law, and they needed to arrest him before they hit International Waters. Yeah. Wowza. How did I know about this interesting little factoid? There's a website that keeps track of all the reports of insanity and zaniness aboard cruise ships. You can also look up the safety record of all the ships.
I encourage you to browse around it if you're bored -- some of the stories are hilarious, like the drunk guy who climbed into the life boat. He grabbed an ax (don't ask me where he got an ax) and began chopping away at the rope holding the life boat. Security approached him and told him to stop and climb down. He did. But he was so drunk, he jumped the wrong way -- into the ocean. What a dumbass.
Other people submit their rants about being on the "cruise from hell". One family, which included two small children, found themselves on board a cruise that consisted mainly of swingers. LOL now THAT is funny. How would you handle that as a parent, you know? LOL I imagine it's something like this:
Little Bobby: Hey, Daddy, that man over there said that he wanted to come to our room tonight to party with you and Mommy. I told him that would be fun, because you said I don't have a bedtime while we are on the boat!
Daddy: *gulp!* Uh...ok, we will have to see about that.
Little Bobby: Daddy, what's a rubber?
6. Of course, we all know what I'm really excited about: the food. Duh. Between the burgers, ice cream, pizza, chocolate buffet, Mexican buffet, pancakes, waffles, bacon, filet mignon, salmon, lobster, shrimp, chocolate hot lava cake, free room service and all the Diet Coke I can drink for $20, I am really looking forward to it! I can order as many dinners and desserts as I want! This truly sounds like heaven to me. *Realization about the reason for my weight loss problems set in* Crap. I am going to gain 10 pounds. Crap. Crap. Crap. Ok, I will pack my work out clothes in the hopes that I will want to go for an on-deck run. Which sounds like a blast, actually.
7. There is a penny slot machine in the casino. I am not much of a gambler, but I do have a penny jar I am not using....WOOT. There's also trivia contests (CN and I love to do those), bingo, karaoke, chess, putt-putt golf, game show-type things and a hairy chest contest by the pool.
"You should enter that!" I said to CN.
"That's not funny," he replied. CN has approximately 4 hairs on his skinny little chest. LOL
"But that's why you will win! Don't you see? It will be hilarious!" I exclaimed.
He did not agree. But I'll try and talk him into it. Perhaps I can bargain with him by participating in karaoke. (I am NOT a karaoke person. I can't sing for squat, and I don't like being in the spotlight, literally or figuratively.)
8. The locals in The Bahamas are nice, but very pushy when it comes to selling you things. I am hoping there will be a plethora of fake designer hand bags, prices negotiable. And some cute jewelry.
Ok, that's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there will be more to share after this weekend. I have so much to do before I go:
find a beach cover-up
stock up on self-tanner and sunblock
find a wide-brimmed hat
possibly buy a new bikini
dye my roots (I can't take it anymore! I do not want yucky roots in my photos!)
weed my backyard
get Sammy ready for his trip to MJ's house while I'm gone
clean my house
burn a CD to commemorate the trip
give myself a manicure and pedicure
clean out my fridge
learn how to operate CN's new camera (he won't take the time to learn, he said)
start packing!!!
I leave on Thursday morning, so I will probably post again before I go. WOO HOO!!! Have a great weekend, everyone!
Friday, January 25, 2008
PSA: Smurf is Driving
WARNING: My little sister, Smurf, turns *16* on Sunday. This means that, according to the Commonwealth of Virginia, she is legally eligible for a driver's license. If you live within a 500 mile radius of Farmville, VA, I highly encourage you to inform your local authorities, call your State Congressman and lock up your pets and small children. Whatever you do, you should definitely stay off any and all roads. This chick has no business whatsoever driving. According to my mother, she has committed the following moving violations during her practice runs:
1. Did not stop AT ALL for a stop sign -- she just followed the car in front of her!
2. Cannot seem to master lane mergings without almost causing 3-car-pile-ups.
3. Believes turn signals to be optional at all times.
4. Literally not looking at the road -- she has always been a space cadet!
5. Speeds terribly.
6. Uses mirrors instead of actually looking over her shoulder.
Ok, now before you panic, keep in mind that she won't actually be legally on the road, driving alone, until about April (you have to be 16 years and 4 months to drive in Virginia). So she's going to practice some more. A LOT more. Smurf has to learn how to drive safely, because right now, my poor mother is carting her all over the place: school, sports (Smurf plays 3 sports), friends' houses, football games, basketball games, parties, movies, etc. For most people, this isn't that big of a burden. But when you live in the boonies, like they do, it takes 45 minutes to get anywhere. So my mother is really ready for Smurf to drive herself around. She's even bought her a used car. A very very large used car. I think it's an old Chevy Suburban kind of like this one.
When I asked The Czarina why she bought such a large car for Smurf, when gas prices are so insane, she replied, "Because I know she's going to get in a wreck. And I feel better if the car is so big, it inflicts more damage than it receives."
"Oh. Ok. That makes sense," I replied. "So how is she going to pay for the gas?"
"She's going to get a JOB!!!" my mother replied gleefully, clapping her hands together.
I snickered, remembering my horrible grocery store job I had in high school. Ah, the days of minimum wage and polyester uniforms....
Anyway, The Czarina has tried to discuss with Smurf the responsibilities involved in operating a motor vehicle. She has lectured, pleaded, begged, yelled and stressed about it. She even went so far as disconnecting the CD player/radio in Smurf's car, in order to eliminate at least one distraction. Of course, being obnoxious older siblings, the rest of us tease her about this incessantly. We even joked about buying her a bunch of CDs for Christmas, which would be useless to her. Tee hee.
I have quizzed her on the Rules of the Road. My brothers have tried to take her driving. She has studied old driver's ed manuals. We share driving tips and advice with her constantly. When we are driving her somewhere, we periodically ask, "Ok, what should I do now?" or "What did that other car do wrong?" -- and her answers are always wrong. She fails miserably at anything even remotely related to driving. All we end up doing is shaking our heads at her.
To be honest, we are all kind of worried about her! Our family is full of good drivers. WLF had one accident when he was 16. That was the only accident he ever had. Fat Dog has never had a wreck. Fungus is a pretty good driver. I have only had 2 accidents, my last one being in 2001. The Czarina has never been at fault in any accidents, although she's the type of driver who backs into poles and trashcans. In short, we have no idea where she got this from. Although we are all notorious speeders in our family, none of us have ever been this clueless about driving.
She's going to be taking driver's ed at school pretty soon. I really hope that will help her out. Because right now, I won't even get into a car she is driving. I guess I was a pretty bad driver at first, too. I really hope her learning curve is better than mine.
Oh! In honor of her birthday, I do have some pics of her when she was little. Here goes:
Here is Baby Smurf. She's the only one in our family with dimples. That is WLF holding her. Yes, I realize he was old to be the father of a baby. What can I say? There were 7 of us. Someone had to be last. This was at Myrtle Beach.
Ok, that is Fungus with Smurf on his shoulders. This pic was taken in about 1992.
I remember Smurf doing this a lot in the car when she was little. She would make these hilarious faces! That is Fat Dog on the left. imitating her, and Fungus on the right. You can see my big ol' feet in the background. This was in our old station wagon, which was the car I learned to drive on. This was soon after we moved to Indiana.
Ok, how cute is this pic? That is my youngest brother, Gulgie, and Smurf.
This is a pic of my four full siblings. Remember, I have 2 half siblings, too. I am not in this pic, and I do not know who the guy is in the back ground. L--> R: Gulgie, Smurf, Fungus, Fat Dog. Oh, and the date is conveniently displayed in case you are curious.
Here she is with a friend of the family, when she was little older.
I have more family pics, but that's enough for today.
~~~~~~~
Oh crap. I just realized. Today is January 25th. Every year, I have a horrible, horrible day on or near this day. Examples:
1. I have been dumped.
2. My dad died.
3. I have been in 2 car accidents.
4. I found out this guy had lied to me and cheated on me.
5. I have been sick.
So looks like I will be staying in bed as much as possible this weekend!!! I hope I can end my Curse of the End of January.
Shit. I should have called in today. That was dumb of me. Last night, I had a bad dream that CN and I broke up. Ugh. That is bad timing.
Have a great weekend, everyone! I have to go look for some good luck charm, now, before it's too late! Cross your fingers for me!
1. Did not stop AT ALL for a stop sign -- she just followed the car in front of her!
2. Cannot seem to master lane mergings without almost causing 3-car-pile-ups.
3. Believes turn signals to be optional at all times.
4. Literally not looking at the road -- she has always been a space cadet!
5. Speeds terribly.
6. Uses mirrors instead of actually looking over her shoulder.
Ok, now before you panic, keep in mind that she won't actually be legally on the road, driving alone, until about April (you have to be 16 years and 4 months to drive in Virginia). So she's going to practice some more. A LOT more. Smurf has to learn how to drive safely, because right now, my poor mother is carting her all over the place: school, sports (Smurf plays 3 sports), friends' houses, football games, basketball games, parties, movies, etc. For most people, this isn't that big of a burden. But when you live in the boonies, like they do, it takes 45 minutes to get anywhere. So my mother is really ready for Smurf to drive herself around. She's even bought her a used car. A very very large used car. I think it's an old Chevy Suburban kind of like this one.
When I asked The Czarina why she bought such a large car for Smurf, when gas prices are so insane, she replied, "Because I know she's going to get in a wreck. And I feel better if the car is so big, it inflicts more damage than it receives."
"Oh. Ok. That makes sense," I replied. "So how is she going to pay for the gas?"
"She's going to get a JOB!!!" my mother replied gleefully, clapping her hands together.
I snickered, remembering my horrible grocery store job I had in high school. Ah, the days of minimum wage and polyester uniforms....
Anyway, The Czarina has tried to discuss with Smurf the responsibilities involved in operating a motor vehicle. She has lectured, pleaded, begged, yelled and stressed about it. She even went so far as disconnecting the CD player/radio in Smurf's car, in order to eliminate at least one distraction. Of course, being obnoxious older siblings, the rest of us tease her about this incessantly. We even joked about buying her a bunch of CDs for Christmas, which would be useless to her. Tee hee.
I have quizzed her on the Rules of the Road. My brothers have tried to take her driving. She has studied old driver's ed manuals. We share driving tips and advice with her constantly. When we are driving her somewhere, we periodically ask, "Ok, what should I do now?" or "What did that other car do wrong?" -- and her answers are always wrong. She fails miserably at anything even remotely related to driving. All we end up doing is shaking our heads at her.
To be honest, we are all kind of worried about her! Our family is full of good drivers. WLF had one accident when he was 16. That was the only accident he ever had. Fat Dog has never had a wreck. Fungus is a pretty good driver. I have only had 2 accidents, my last one being in 2001. The Czarina has never been at fault in any accidents, although she's the type of driver who backs into poles and trashcans. In short, we have no idea where she got this from. Although we are all notorious speeders in our family, none of us have ever been this clueless about driving.
She's going to be taking driver's ed at school pretty soon. I really hope that will help her out. Because right now, I won't even get into a car she is driving. I guess I was a pretty bad driver at first, too. I really hope her learning curve is better than mine.
Oh! In honor of her birthday, I do have some pics of her when she was little. Here goes:
Here is Baby Smurf. She's the only one in our family with dimples. That is WLF holding her. Yes, I realize he was old to be the father of a baby. What can I say? There were 7 of us. Someone had to be last. This was at Myrtle Beach.
Ok, that is Fungus with Smurf on his shoulders. This pic was taken in about 1992.
I remember Smurf doing this a lot in the car when she was little. She would make these hilarious faces! That is Fat Dog on the left. imitating her, and Fungus on the right. You can see my big ol' feet in the background. This was in our old station wagon, which was the car I learned to drive on. This was soon after we moved to Indiana.
Ok, how cute is this pic? That is my youngest brother, Gulgie, and Smurf.
This is a pic of my four full siblings. Remember, I have 2 half siblings, too. I am not in this pic, and I do not know who the guy is in the back ground. L--> R: Gulgie, Smurf, Fungus, Fat Dog. Oh, and the date is conveniently displayed in case you are curious.
Here she is with a friend of the family, when she was little older.
I have more family pics, but that's enough for today.
~~~~~~~
Oh crap. I just realized. Today is January 25th. Every year, I have a horrible, horrible day on or near this day. Examples:
1. I have been dumped.
2. My dad died.
3. I have been in 2 car accidents.
4. I found out this guy had lied to me and cheated on me.
5. I have been sick.
So looks like I will be staying in bed as much as possible this weekend!!! I hope I can end my Curse of the End of January.
Shit. I should have called in today. That was dumb of me. Last night, I had a bad dream that CN and I broke up. Ugh. That is bad timing.
Have a great weekend, everyone! I have to go look for some good luck charm, now, before it's too late! Cross your fingers for me!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Babies R (Not) Us
Like many young women, I want to have kids one day. I'm thinking at least 3, maybe as many as 5. (Hey, I come from a big family, so this is normal to me.) And although I am absolutely positive I want to be a mother before I die, and I have a couple of names picked out, that is about as far as I'd taken this thought.
Until this weekend.
Don't freak out -- I'm not having a baby! *knocks on wood to be sure*
But lately, I can't seem to escape the thought of babies, and it's starting to wig me out. Let's make a list, shall we? Yes, let's. Because VB's heart rate is rapidly accelerating, and lists make her feel more in control of her world. Here we go.
1. I had a dream two nights ago that I was talking with an old friend about what it's like to be pregnant. We poked at her belly and discussed her due date. I think that in the dream, I was trying to get pregnant. Whoa.
2. Last week, CN and I were sitting on the couch watching Biggest Loser. I mentioned how it would be so easy to lose weight if you had kids, because you'd feel like you'd have a really good reason -- something to motivate you to live into old age. He replied, "Yeah, but you'll have kids one day. You should start being healthier now." (He's right, as usual.) He was visibly surprised to hear my answer: "No. I don't know if I'm going to have kids. It may not be in the cards for me." And I shrugged, because I am not one to count my chickens (or children?) before they hatch. And then I changed the subject, because the conversation was getting a little to "real" for me. I'm not ready to talk about that with CN yet. Heck, I'm not ready to talk to anyone about that!
2. CN and I were invited to a baby shower this past weekend. So we had to go pick out a present at Babies R Us, which, if you've never been, is like Wal-Mart, only it's filled with pregnancy/baby/toddler stuff. And it's FULL of women who look like this:
Now, I don't know if any of you have ever been in a giant room full of women who look like their water is about to break, unless you are an OB/GYN, but it is terrifying!!! I wanted to run up to each soon-to-be mom and play traffic cop: "Everyone! Now just back up! I need you to keep at least 10 feet back! She's gonna blow any minute!!!" I'm not kidding -- some of those women HAD to be at almost ten months of pregnancy. My fear of accidentally bumping into them and causing their water to break left me temporarily paralyzed. I didn't move an inch.
I looked around some more. There were approximately 7.3 billion baby items to purchase for your baby and/or your pregnancy. Now, unlike some women, my Baby Experience Resume is pretty extensive -- tons of babysitting, the oldest of 5 kids, lover of all things small and cute, oozing with maternal instinct, and a Master's degree in diaper changing.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for the Baby Bonanza that is Babies R Us.
There were these strap-things, which hold your big pregnant belly up. Like a giant seatbelt or something. I don't know. There were covers for your nipples. I don't know why nipples need covers, and I'm wondering if it's because they don't make bras big enough for pregnancy-sized boobs-- a terrifying thought. And I have never seen so many thermometer options in my life. Did you know that pacifiers come in sizes? Yeah. Neither did I.
Between the pregnant women, the bizarre baby items for sale, and the umpteen newborns in the building, my head began to spin. I looked over at CN. He was white as a sheet, and also seemingly cemented to the floor.
"Oh. My. God. There are pregnant women everywhere...." I trailed off, speechless with fear.
"Yeah. And babies," whispered CN.
"This is totally freaking me out. Let's get the hell outta here ASAP!" I said.
We printed off the registry, grabbed the closest thing in our price range (which happened to be a Breast Friend, a product I was actually familiar with) and practically ran to the register. On the way to the register, I explained to CN what a Breast Friend does, and he proceeded to make jokes about how he wants one so he can be my breast friend. Har. Har.
3. On the way to the baby shower, I realized that never in the History of Baby Showers has there only been one baby or one pregnant woman. There were going to be more. And I was right. CN and I walked into a nest of new mothers and fathers, all discussing their new babies and baby products and baby philosophies and organic baby food and....well, you get the picture. There were two babies in addition to the one being celebrated. There were baby-themed cakes, decorations and party favors. Everyone was coupled up, either engaged or already married. It felt like everyone was expected to either have a baby or want to have a baby before even walking through the front door. Like it was a requirement to attend.
It was so overwhelming, I completely forgot that I had a boyfriend. My inner Single Girl said, "Shit! I hate parties like this! I'm single and I can hear my biological clock ticking now more than ever! Why do they never invite more than one single girl to parties like this?? Don't they realize it's torture? Oh. Wait. I am here with someone...Right. Ok." And then I spent the rest of the party trying to see if there were any single girls there, so that I could introduce myself and comfort them. Old habits never die, I guess. Or perhaps I just don't see CN and I as a couple couple yet. Because we haven't been dating long enough to discuss the possibility of making a little VB or CN yet. Does that make sense? I dunno. It felt too soon for us to be in that room with all those.....baby people.
Consequently, I kept to myself and stuffed 3 chocolate-covered strawberries, 4 ounces of dip/chips, one brownie and 17 petit-fours down my gob.
PMS hormones + too many babies + weird baby items + freakishly swollen bellies + a party where I know no one = Time to eat.
Ugh. I am getting a headache just typing this.
Anyway, our gift was a hit, and many "Breast Friend" jokes ensued.
4. After the party, CN and I had hoped to return to the Land of the Childless by attending W's birthday get-together. No such luck. My friend Y was there, and she is about 6 months pregnant with her first child. And a couple was there with their 3 month-old little girl. She was adorable. And they let me hold her. And she was so little! And she had that powdery baby smell! And she stuck out her bottom lip when she cried! And we all cooed over her adorableness.
CN was watching me do all of this. I cooed to him about the cute baby. He said it was impossible to escape babies that day. I nodded and continued to coo.
"You don't want one, do you?" he asked, terrified.
"Oh my God, NO!" I shouted. CN had jolted me back to reality.
And that's when I realized that I really like the idea of having a baby and being a mother. Possibly even with CN. But the whole pregnancy and labor thing totally freaks me out, and I am nowhere close to being ready to have one any time soon!!!
I wish the stork story was true. Because that is the kind of pregnancy/labor I want! Just thinking about how scary labor must be and how pregnancy totally f**ks up your body makes me feel like I'm going to faint. Why can't a nice little bird just drop if off on your doorstep? This is much more logical to me. It also sounds cheaper, safer, faster and cleaner. Scientists should look into this and see if this is indeed a viable option.
I explained all of this to CN and told him that I can't wait to be a mom, because once the baby has arrived, I think I would like it, because I know what to do. It's the whole pregnancy/swollen belly/scary labor stuff that bothers me.
He totally disagreed, saying that the baby's arrival is when all of his fears would start!
I guess it's good to know that we are on the same page about all of this stuff. Kinda.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
First Fun Friday of 2008
I don't know about y'all, but this week has draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagged.
It is only through the little Fun Friday-type tidbits that I make it through weeks like this.
1. Take for example, this AMAZING concept: losing weight by writing. Yeah. It's a new diet. Talk about my kinda diet! Sign me up! I can actually see how it would help to get your emotions out on paper so you don't smother them with food instead. It makes sense. Unfortunately, I'm not an emotional eater. In fact, when I'm upset, I stop eating. But I digress.
2. Over the holidays, my cousin (son of Favorite Aunt) proposed to his girlfriend. I have not met the bride-to-be yet, but Favorite Aunt adores her, and the bride's family adores my cousin, so everyone is happy and excited about this news. We haven't had a wedding in our family in several years, so this is really great. It turns out that the bride-to-be comes from a well-to-do Chicago family (ie, her parents paid for her out-of-state college tuition without using ANY loans), so the wedding should be pretty snazzy. It will be in May of 2009, and I'm already excited about it. My cousin is a sweetheart, not to mention super smart and ambitious.
It runs in the family, don't ya know.
I promise I'm going somewhere with this. I am really hoping that the bride doesn't have a wedding cake like this one, because this is just creepy as hell, not to mention, ego-maniacal.
3. And thanks to MJ for sending me this hysterical video today. Apparently, there's a whole series of these on YouTube, but I have never heard of them. I will probably be spending the rest of the afternoon watching them, though...[Warning: arachnophobes should skip this!]
4. Now here's a cool concept: Ever wish you could sort of test-drive your dream job? It turns out, you CAN!!! Which is a very exciting concept, especially if you are pretty much always looking for a job that is nothing like your current one, like *someone* I know. (Shhh!) I haven't read the fine print yet, but I think this is a free service. [Update: Ok, yeah, it costs an arm and a leg! Sorry! You basically buy a package where you get a couple of days job shadowing someone in that career.] Check out Vocation Vacation if you are interested.
5. Oh! If you love your pooch, or if you have a friend who loves their pooch, you may want to check out this other website recommended to me: SitStay. It has everything for dogs, from soup to nuts. Er, make that treats to beds. Or whatever. You know what I mean. It's nice to find websites for stuff like this, because PetSmart just doesn't have everything you need.
6. Before I go, I am going to tell you my most recent dream -- I have had a bunch of wacked-out dreams this week. I think someone was yelling at me in one dream, and something bad happened to Sammy in another. I can't really remember.
Luckily, I can only remember this one. It was nice. I dreamt that my grandfather (The Czarina's dad), whom I've never met, came over to me and said, "But I've given you $2,500! It's right over there!" And then he showed me a big stack of money! I was so excited, and I ran over to him and gave him a great big hug.
Hmmm...sounds like I need to check my lottery ticket I bought the other day, huh?
I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!! Happy Friday!!
It is only through the little Fun Friday-type tidbits that I make it through weeks like this.
1. Take for example, this AMAZING concept: losing weight by writing. Yeah. It's a new diet. Talk about my kinda diet! Sign me up! I can actually see how it would help to get your emotions out on paper so you don't smother them with food instead. It makes sense. Unfortunately, I'm not an emotional eater. In fact, when I'm upset, I stop eating. But I digress.
2. Over the holidays, my cousin (son of Favorite Aunt) proposed to his girlfriend. I have not met the bride-to-be yet, but Favorite Aunt adores her, and the bride's family adores my cousin, so everyone is happy and excited about this news. We haven't had a wedding in our family in several years, so this is really great. It turns out that the bride-to-be comes from a well-to-do Chicago family (ie, her parents paid for her out-of-state college tuition without using ANY loans), so the wedding should be pretty snazzy. It will be in May of 2009, and I'm already excited about it. My cousin is a sweetheart, not to mention super smart and ambitious.
It runs in the family, don't ya know.
I promise I'm going somewhere with this. I am really hoping that the bride doesn't have a wedding cake like this one, because this is just creepy as hell, not to mention, ego-maniacal.
3. And thanks to MJ for sending me this hysterical video today. Apparently, there's a whole series of these on YouTube, but I have never heard of them. I will probably be spending the rest of the afternoon watching them, though...[Warning: arachnophobes should skip this!]
4. Now here's a cool concept: Ever wish you could sort of test-drive your dream job? It turns out, you CAN!!! Which is a very exciting concept, especially if you are pretty much always looking for a job that is nothing like your current one, like *someone* I know. (Shhh!) I haven't read the fine print yet, but I think this is a free service. [Update: Ok, yeah, it costs an arm and a leg! Sorry! You basically buy a package where you get a couple of days job shadowing someone in that career.] Check out Vocation Vacation if you are interested.
5. Oh! If you love your pooch, or if you have a friend who loves their pooch, you may want to check out this other website recommended to me: SitStay. It has everything for dogs, from soup to nuts. Er, make that treats to beds. Or whatever. You know what I mean. It's nice to find websites for stuff like this, because PetSmart just doesn't have everything you need.
6. Before I go, I am going to tell you my most recent dream -- I have had a bunch of wacked-out dreams this week. I think someone was yelling at me in one dream, and something bad happened to Sammy in another. I can't really remember.
Luckily, I can only remember this one. It was nice. I dreamt that my grandfather (The Czarina's dad), whom I've never met, came over to me and said, "But I've given you $2,500! It's right over there!" And then he showed me a big stack of money! I was so excited, and I ran over to him and gave him a great big hug.
Hmmm...sounds like I need to check my lottery ticket I bought the other day, huh?
I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!! Happy Friday!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Out of the Blue
This post is 100% mush free. Absolutely NO mention of you-know-who. So no barfing, ok? Ok.
I forgot to share this really random dream with y'all.
The other night, I dreamt that I got a third dog -- a black cocker spaniel. Which is weird, because I don't want a third dog and I don't like cocker spaniels. But anyway, it was running away from me along the side of a busy road, and I got into my minivan (LOL! Why am I driving a minivan???) to chase it down.
So I am chasing down my dog, and I'm using my car to do so. Very strange.
Some random lady, also in a minivan, but going the opposite direction, pulls over and catches my dog for me. She motions for me to follow her. She leads me to an elementary school. But it's not just any elementary school. It's an animal shelter/elementary school.
Hold on, it gets weirder.
I go out back, where there is a very large, fenced-in grassy yard. It's full of stray dogs. I go in and start playing with the stray dogs. They are all cute and wonderful. Apparently, this is when I forget all about my cocker spaniel, because the next thing I know, I'm running to the desk (where you go to adopt a dog) with two Boston Terrier puppies--one under each arm--and as I'm running, I'm shouting, "WOW!!! I can't believe they're only $1.99!!!!"
What a wack job I am! 4 Boston Terriers, two of whom are puppies??? My subconscious has lost its mind. Although, they are pretty cute when they're puppies......
But I could never have 3 or more dogs in my tiny little house. It's already hard to keep it clean from all the dog hair.
In other news, I had a crazy thing happen to me this morning. Anyone reading this who has lost someone very close to them will probably be able to relate. I was making my coffee this morning when I had a HUGE wave of grief hit me, and suddenly, I missed my dad terribly.
So there I was, making coffee, and sobbing, for (seemingly) no reason at all! It came out of nowhere! It honestly feels just like getting smacked on the back from a big wave when you're standing in water up to your waist in the ocean. It feels JUST like that.
If you can't relate, all I can tell you is that sometimes, without any warning, these moments will hit you where you remember (not like you ever forgot, but it's just not always in the front of your mind) that you can't just call them on the phone and hear their voice. That it's probably going to be a very VERY long time until you ever talk to them again. You won't get hugs from them, you won't get that reassuring pat on the hand that tells you everything is going to be ok. All you have are memories. Which is tough when you miss someone and just want to hear their voice. Right now, even just hearing his voice would be all I need. I would not even need to see him in person. I wish I hadn't taken all those phone calls home for granted.
Sometimes, it just really gets to me that my dad has never seen my house, has no idea how successful I've been in my career, will never attend my wedding, will never meet my kids, will never meet any of his in-laws....and I get really sad.
It's not that I walk around in a daydream all the time, forgetting that my dad is gone. It's just that I don't really stop to think about it all very much. I know that if I do, I will just get upset and start to cry. So I don't think about it a lot. But unfortunately, that's now how grief works. You can't pick and choose when you get to think about people who are gone. You can repress all you want, but eventually, the grief has to get out, kind of like a boiler that is going to blow if you don't let out some of the steam pressure that has been building up.
I think this morning, I just had to let it out. I'm ok now. I don't know what made me think about him suddenly this morning. Maybe I had another dream about him, and I just forgot it when I woke up. Have I blogged about all the weird dreams I've had about my dad since he died? They are pretty weird. I will tell them, unless I already have. Someone remind me.
Ok, now I'm crying at work! Gotta stop!!!! I'm ok, I promise. This is normal. Once you experience grief, it just sort of becomes like a tattoo, a new haircut or a piercing. It's always there, it becomes part of who you are, and you aren't always aware of it. At first, you are very very aware of it and it's all you can talk/think about. But then, you only think about it in certain instances. Eventually, it just seems everyday to you, and you aren't emotional or reactive to it any more. I guess that unless you've experienced it, it's hard to explain.
Sorry about the sad post today, guys. Guess I can't be funny all the time. I'll try to be more upbeat tomorrow, I promise! Today was just weird for some reason.
I forgot to share this really random dream with y'all.
The other night, I dreamt that I got a third dog -- a black cocker spaniel. Which is weird, because I don't want a third dog and I don't like cocker spaniels. But anyway, it was running away from me along the side of a busy road, and I got into my minivan (LOL! Why am I driving a minivan???) to chase it down.
So I am chasing down my dog, and I'm using my car to do so. Very strange.
Some random lady, also in a minivan, but going the opposite direction, pulls over and catches my dog for me. She motions for me to follow her. She leads me to an elementary school. But it's not just any elementary school. It's an animal shelter/elementary school.
Hold on, it gets weirder.
I go out back, where there is a very large, fenced-in grassy yard. It's full of stray dogs. I go in and start playing with the stray dogs. They are all cute and wonderful. Apparently, this is when I forget all about my cocker spaniel, because the next thing I know, I'm running to the desk (where you go to adopt a dog) with two Boston Terrier puppies--one under each arm--and as I'm running, I'm shouting, "WOW!!! I can't believe they're only $1.99!!!!"
What a wack job I am! 4 Boston Terriers, two of whom are puppies??? My subconscious has lost its mind. Although, they are pretty cute when they're puppies......
But I could never have 3 or more dogs in my tiny little house. It's already hard to keep it clean from all the dog hair.
In other news, I had a crazy thing happen to me this morning. Anyone reading this who has lost someone very close to them will probably be able to relate. I was making my coffee this morning when I had a HUGE wave of grief hit me, and suddenly, I missed my dad terribly.
So there I was, making coffee, and sobbing, for (seemingly) no reason at all! It came out of nowhere! It honestly feels just like getting smacked on the back from a big wave when you're standing in water up to your waist in the ocean. It feels JUST like that.
If you can't relate, all I can tell you is that sometimes, without any warning, these moments will hit you where you remember (not like you ever forgot, but it's just not always in the front of your mind) that you can't just call them on the phone and hear their voice. That it's probably going to be a very VERY long time until you ever talk to them again. You won't get hugs from them, you won't get that reassuring pat on the hand that tells you everything is going to be ok. All you have are memories. Which is tough when you miss someone and just want to hear their voice. Right now, even just hearing his voice would be all I need. I would not even need to see him in person. I wish I hadn't taken all those phone calls home for granted.
Sometimes, it just really gets to me that my dad has never seen my house, has no idea how successful I've been in my career, will never attend my wedding, will never meet my kids, will never meet any of his in-laws....and I get really sad.
It's not that I walk around in a daydream all the time, forgetting that my dad is gone. It's just that I don't really stop to think about it all very much. I know that if I do, I will just get upset and start to cry. So I don't think about it a lot. But unfortunately, that's now how grief works. You can't pick and choose when you get to think about people who are gone. You can repress all you want, but eventually, the grief has to get out, kind of like a boiler that is going to blow if you don't let out some of the steam pressure that has been building up.
I think this morning, I just had to let it out. I'm ok now. I don't know what made me think about him suddenly this morning. Maybe I had another dream about him, and I just forgot it when I woke up. Have I blogged about all the weird dreams I've had about my dad since he died? They are pretty weird. I will tell them, unless I already have. Someone remind me.
Ok, now I'm crying at work! Gotta stop!!!! I'm ok, I promise. This is normal. Once you experience grief, it just sort of becomes like a tattoo, a new haircut or a piercing. It's always there, it becomes part of who you are, and you aren't always aware of it. At first, you are very very aware of it and it's all you can talk/think about. But then, you only think about it in certain instances. Eventually, it just seems everyday to you, and you aren't emotional or reactive to it any more. I guess that unless you've experienced it, it's hard to explain.
Sorry about the sad post today, guys. Guess I can't be funny all the time. I'll try to be more upbeat tomorrow, I promise! Today was just weird for some reason.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Guess What!
I'm moving to NYC.
Ok, not really. But I did dream about that last night. A super cool dream, actually.
I pulled up to the curb, with my car packed full of stuff. (I probably should have sold my car, now that I think about it...guess I'm not too bright in my dreams.) I was hungry, so I decided to leave it all in the car and go find some food. I also wanted to see my new apartment. For some reason, I was carrying a huge, red backpack that was crammed full of who-knows-what.
I locked my car door and proceeded up the steps, across the front yard (right, like buildings have yards in NYC!) and began to walk around the complex. This apartment buildings looked sort of like a cheap hotel -- this gives you a good idea of what it looked like from the outside. And I love how there were only 2 floors to the apartment building -- again, not what real NYC buildings are like. There were several buildings, sprawled out across the block, connected by breezeways. (Am I describing this clearly??? I hope so.)
As I go up the steps, I realize that someone had written something in the cement a long time ago, before it dried: "SPANISH HARLEM" it said. And in my dream, I remember thinking, "Oh, I don't think I moved to the safest neighborhood in town. Eh. I'll be fine."
So I'm carrying my big, red backpack and I begin to walk around, looking for my apartment. Of course, since I'm dreaming, I have no idea what the apartment number is, I just know I need to find it. My plan is to find the apartment, put down my extremely heavy backpack, and go find some food. Along the way, I encounter the apartment complex's janitor: Joe Dirt.
"Huh. My janitor is Joe Dirt. How 'bout that!" I thought.
So I'm walking around and I open a door to find this huge cafeteria. Apparently, this is not an apartment complex so much as it is a college dorm. From what I gathered as I wandered around the cafeteria, the apartment complex serves food there every day. I guess it was included in my rent??? Very interesting. I began to walk around the cafeteria, soaking it all in. It was packed full of people! (And of course, I kept slamming my huge backpack into everyone. Oops. Not the best first impression. I am klutzy, even in my dreams.)
But here's the cool part: Everyone in the cafeteria was young and single. And 75% of them were cute guys. Who were checking me out. (In my dream, apparently, I was very full of myself!) Observing this, I thought to myself, "Holy cow. I have hit the jackpot. I will have dates for weeks! This is like heaven! This is the best idea I've ever had!"
To boot, there were people in the crowd I already knew: The Rat Pack was there. How funny that they all coincidentally lived in the same complex where I was now living! Sweet!
I don't remember what happened after that, but it sure was a cool dream!
Updates: I am going to knock on Cute Neighbor's door today. So wish me luck, because I know I will want to wuss out again. I'm also going to see if he would be willing to get my mail for me while I'm out of town.
I will be leaving to go visit The Czarina and the rest of my fam tomorrow. I will be gone for about a week, and I don't know how much posting I will do. It should be a good trip. This weekend, a bunch of my friends from elementary school will be in town (their high school reunion is this weekend). Next weekend is The Czarina's big annual party in memory of WLF, my dad. Lots of BBQ and family friends. I will get to see the P family. Yay!
So I will try to post, but I can't make any promises. I probably won't be doing too much that is blog-worthy, anyway. I will spend a lot of time reading, watching movies with Smurf, going to the bar in my hometown (yes, there is a grand total of ONE bar there) to see people, and napping. If I'm lucky, I might be able to talk The Czarina into taking me shopping in Richmond one day.
Before I go, I do have a fun thing to share with you. Want to see some pics of my fam? Here you go!
This is The Czarina's house. This is actually taken from behind the house (on the left) and from the far side of the pond (foreground). So you are seeing the backside of the house, rather than the front. There are two buildings on the right side. One is where a friend of the family rents out a small house from The Czarina. The one on the far right is The Barn, where we store extra furniture and stuff like WLF's extra books and his old bottle collection. This is also where the Controversial Family Furniture is secretly hidden. (Shh, don't tell my mom's relatives. Remind me to tell you about that little family issue sometime.) Anyway, as you can probably gather, this is a very VERY rural and relaxing place to be. I think it would be impossible to feel stressed out here. I will probably see some wildlife when I'm there: deer, beavers, that sort of thing. I know this is kind of a crappy pic, but it's all I've got. I will take some better pics and share later.
This is WLF and Fat Dog from a few years ago. I miss WLF very much, especially this time of year. Not only is it Father's Day, but it's also his birthday.
......and here she is, in the flesh: The Czarina. It's hard to see, but she's wearing this super-cool black & white cameo ring which I'm hoping I will get to have one day. She looks really cute in this pic. I think she was going out to dinner with her girlfriends or something.
Have super weekends everyone! Sammy, Toby and I will be on I-95 tomorrow morning while y'all are snoozing away! I'll have some good pics to share when I get back.
Ok, not really. But I did dream about that last night. A super cool dream, actually.
I pulled up to the curb, with my car packed full of stuff. (I probably should have sold my car, now that I think about it...guess I'm not too bright in my dreams.) I was hungry, so I decided to leave it all in the car and go find some food. I also wanted to see my new apartment. For some reason, I was carrying a huge, red backpack that was crammed full of who-knows-what.
I locked my car door and proceeded up the steps, across the front yard (right, like buildings have yards in NYC!) and began to walk around the complex. This apartment buildings looked sort of like a cheap hotel -- this gives you a good idea of what it looked like from the outside. And I love how there were only 2 floors to the apartment building -- again, not what real NYC buildings are like. There were several buildings, sprawled out across the block, connected by breezeways. (Am I describing this clearly??? I hope so.)
As I go up the steps, I realize that someone had written something in the cement a long time ago, before it dried: "SPANISH HARLEM" it said. And in my dream, I remember thinking, "Oh, I don't think I moved to the safest neighborhood in town. Eh. I'll be fine."
So I'm carrying my big, red backpack and I begin to walk around, looking for my apartment. Of course, since I'm dreaming, I have no idea what the apartment number is, I just know I need to find it. My plan is to find the apartment, put down my extremely heavy backpack, and go find some food. Along the way, I encounter the apartment complex's janitor: Joe Dirt.
"Huh. My janitor is Joe Dirt. How 'bout that!" I thought.
So I'm walking around and I open a door to find this huge cafeteria. Apparently, this is not an apartment complex so much as it is a college dorm. From what I gathered as I wandered around the cafeteria, the apartment complex serves food there every day. I guess it was included in my rent??? Very interesting. I began to walk around the cafeteria, soaking it all in. It was packed full of people! (And of course, I kept slamming my huge backpack into everyone. Oops. Not the best first impression. I am klutzy, even in my dreams.)
But here's the cool part: Everyone in the cafeteria was young and single. And 75% of them were cute guys. Who were checking me out. (In my dream, apparently, I was very full of myself!) Observing this, I thought to myself, "Holy cow. I have hit the jackpot. I will have dates for weeks! This is like heaven! This is the best idea I've ever had!"
To boot, there were people in the crowd I already knew: The Rat Pack was there. How funny that they all coincidentally lived in the same complex where I was now living! Sweet!
I don't remember what happened after that, but it sure was a cool dream!
Updates: I am going to knock on Cute Neighbor's door today. So wish me luck, because I know I will want to wuss out again. I'm also going to see if he would be willing to get my mail for me while I'm out of town.
I will be leaving to go visit The Czarina and the rest of my fam tomorrow. I will be gone for about a week, and I don't know how much posting I will do. It should be a good trip. This weekend, a bunch of my friends from elementary school will be in town (their high school reunion is this weekend). Next weekend is The Czarina's big annual party in memory of WLF, my dad. Lots of BBQ and family friends. I will get to see the P family. Yay!
So I will try to post, but I can't make any promises. I probably won't be doing too much that is blog-worthy, anyway. I will spend a lot of time reading, watching movies with Smurf, going to the bar in my hometown (yes, there is a grand total of ONE bar there) to see people, and napping. If I'm lucky, I might be able to talk The Czarina into taking me shopping in Richmond one day.
Before I go, I do have a fun thing to share with you. Want to see some pics of my fam? Here you go!
This is The Czarina's house. This is actually taken from behind the house (on the left) and from the far side of the pond (foreground). So you are seeing the backside of the house, rather than the front. There are two buildings on the right side. One is where a friend of the family rents out a small house from The Czarina. The one on the far right is The Barn, where we store extra furniture and stuff like WLF's extra books and his old bottle collection. This is also where the Controversial Family Furniture is secretly hidden. (Shh, don't tell my mom's relatives. Remind me to tell you about that little family issue sometime.) Anyway, as you can probably gather, this is a very VERY rural and relaxing place to be. I think it would be impossible to feel stressed out here. I will probably see some wildlife when I'm there: deer, beavers, that sort of thing. I know this is kind of a crappy pic, but it's all I've got. I will take some better pics and share later.
This is WLF and Fat Dog from a few years ago. I miss WLF very much, especially this time of year. Not only is it Father's Day, but it's also his birthday.
......and here she is, in the flesh: The Czarina. It's hard to see, but she's wearing this super-cool black & white cameo ring which I'm hoping I will get to have one day. She looks really cute in this pic. I think she was going out to dinner with her girlfriends or something.
Have super weekends everyone! Sammy, Toby and I will be on I-95 tomorrow morning while y'all are snoozing away! I'll have some good pics to share when I get back.
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