Can you tell I'm in a blogging rut? It's just one of those times in your life where there isn't much going on, and I don't want to bore my readers with mundane things, so I just don't blog. Life hits lulls in action like this sometimes. Maybe it is the quiet before the storm?
Random updates..........(this will be super-random, I apologize, but it's been a long day at the library!)
First let me say that if you are a vet, thank you for serving our country. I cannot imagine the sacrifice our veterans have made over the decades and am grateful to all veterans for keeping us safe and free. If I could, I would be proud to shake your hand. :)
Yes, I am still obsessed with genealogy. I will spare you the details. But I haven't really been up to much else. That is so sad to type that, and then read it. And realize it's a statement about yourself...*sigh* I am 29, yet I live the life of an 83 year old. What can I say? I have never been cool. Why start now? There's no use in denying my lack of general hipness.
As I predicted in my last post, Lady Starfish did not call. I am not really surprised by that, and not really sure what to do. After a certain point, it takes two people to make a friendship work. I feel like I have always been the one to do the work. Then again, as we can see from the last paragraph, it's not like she's missing much.
Speaking of friendships...
Did I tell you that my roommate, E, moved out? She moved out at the end of October. Which is fine by me. Things had been...uncomfortable between us for some time. The random guy in her bed (uh, there's a post on it...somewhere...) was pretty much the nail in the coffin for our peaceful cohabitation. Although I will miss having the extra money, it is such a relief to know that I don't have to share my house with anyone else anymore. To be honest, she was driving me batty, and I don't know if I can even still be friends with her. What is that saying....familiarity breeds contempt? Yes, I think that sums it up pretty well. I might blog more about this at a later point. I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with me, as I am starting to not like most people the older I get....hmmm. This might deserve a post of its own...perhaps my personality is aging faster than my body? I am starting to feel like a cranky old fart trapped in an overweight young person's body......oh dear......
I didn't do much for Halloween. JP (my other partner in crime) and I went to MJ's house to give out candy to trick-or-treaters and watch a scary movie. The trick-or-treaters never showed up, so JP and I got to take home all the left over candy. Which is great if you have a sweet tooth, but BAD if you have a sweet tooth AND you're trying to lose weight. (And to answer your question, no, I have not lost any weight. And I don't want to talk about it.) We watched a movie called The Strangers, and it was pretty good. It definitely had some freaky moments.
After that, I got a pretty bad cold, so I felt like crap all last week-- up until yesterday, really. I was Kleenex Queen. All I wanted to do was take swigs from a bottle of Nyquil, nap on my couch and eat soup.
Let's see. What else has been going on.
Sammy has an ear infection.
MJ is dating a hot French guy.
I am getting back into working out again (still waiting for diet motivation to make an appearance, however...).
Last night, I dreamt that I was on a road trip with Barack Obama. I was riding shotgun in a beat-up pick up truck, and I said something funny, and we had a good laugh. That's all I remember.
Oh, and CN used the phrase, "...or I could get you a ring." the other day.
:0
Yup. You read that correctly. More later. I will keep you hanging for now!
Showing posts with label Lady Starfish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lady Starfish. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friendships, Part 2
So the original post for today was going to discuss friendships, but it seems I've already written it and said pretty much everything I want to say.
It's just that I'm thinking about all of that stuff again lately. I think it's because this week, I was contacted by an old and dear friend I've missed terribly (anyone remember Lady Starfish? 25 pts for you if you do). She was my best friend for years. Even when she moved to Tennessee, we stayed close. Then one day, she didn't return my call. I waited a couple weeks, called again, and that call was not returned, either. I am pretty good at taking a hint, so I admitted defeat: the friendship is over. A few tears in my pillow, and I moved on. I tried not to take it personally. She is the first to admit that she's a crappy friend. This was about 2 years ago.
Every so often, I would think about her, and even try and call her. But to no avail. After a while, I realized I may not ever be able to get in touch with her again: she probably changed her phone number to avoid her psycho ex-husband, she changes jobs a lot and she got re-married to a guy whose last name I don't know. So I basically gave up.
So imagine my surprise when she called me the other day!
Well, she sort of called me. You know how if you hit the wrong button on your phone, you can accidentally call someone? Somehow, she did that to me. I was so excited. But when I picked up, all I could hear was a car radio. She must have been driving somewhere, and the phone was on the seat next to her. I could hear the radio loud and clear, and even hear her rolling the window up and down. But she could not hear me yelling her name. So I gave up. And hung up. And was very sad. So close, but so far. If only...
Today, the rollercoaster friendship started back up again. I got a text message from her, telling me she misses me and is going out of town but wants to catch up on Monday! She apologized for being gone so long! Yay! My friend is back! She must have seen that she accidentally called me.
But I am wary. I am gun-shy. I'm wondering if we can even be close friends again. It's not that I'm not aware that friendships can fluctuate or even wither away. But it is painful, sometimes. She's one of my favorite people, so for her to jump in and out makes me feel...disposable. B-list. Back burner. And it hurts. I think I am going to have to say something about this, when we talk on Monday. Oh, who are we kidding. I KNOW I will say something. I have a big mouth and I think out loud. So we will see. Right now, I am expecting her to not answer her phone on Monday......experience makes you a pessimist. *sigh*
I swear, it's like dating a guy or something. My emotions right now are the same as when an old ex-boyfriend would call me and want to get back together. I have all these questions, and old memories, and a longing to have that person in my life again. But at the same time, didn't we already try this? How can I trust them again? How do I know this will be worth my emotional and time investment? Do I only give it a half-assed try, in order to protect myself? Or should I settle in for the time being, grateful for every moment? Maybe I should keep up some walls for a while. It's only fair, since I've been put on the back burner all this time.
Right now, I am wary. But excited.
Also this week, I have been dealing with the flip side of this situation. There's a girl I used to be friends with. She's very nice, but not very fun. And she makes (what are, in my opinion) stupid decisions. She has a tendency to be negative. A wet blanket. An Eeyore. Looking back, I am surprised I could even tolerate being around her for as long as I was. But when your schedules mesh well, and you can't really come up with a bad reason to stop being someone's friend...you find yourself sort of stuck with them....
Until you can't take it anymore and realize you'd rather just be alone. Which is what happened to me about 2 years ago. So I faded away. I didn't always return calls, and if I did, I cut them short. I cancelled plans, or always had some kind of an excuse. I was hoping this would do the trick -- she would get the hint and move on.
Only, she hasn't. About every 6 months, I will get an email or a phone call. I don't return them, of course. I thought she was done, until she called me. And emailed me. And text messaged me. All in the same day. That day is today.
She is having a big graduation party and wants me to go. While I applaud her achievement, I have ZERO desire to go to the party. She will corner me and expect an explanation for my long absence. Or worse, act like it never happened. The other girls from that "group" will also be there. I have also blown them off for the same reasons. The food might be good, but the party will be lame. It will be awkward, at best. I know everyone will want to know "where I've been" because I'm a "stranger". Which, if you are a woman, you know is just a thin veil for, "WTF? I thought you were my friend!" The best thing I can hope for is that they are all pissed at me, and will refuse to speak to me. This would actually be the best thing to happen, if I go. But do I want to go to a party like that? Um, no.
And yet, I cannot bring myself to reply to any of her attempts at contacting me. What do I say?? I can't go to your party, which isn't until mid-December? Congratulations on working your ass off for the last 3 years, but I can't make it? I don't want to be your friend anymore? Please stop calling me? I'd love to, but I have to clean my house that day?
Any of these replies will either hurt her feelings or open the door for further contact. Neither of which are viable options, from what I can see.
The thought of talking to her fills me with dread and guilt. At the same time, I am even growing a little irritated at her inability to just let sleeping dogs lie. Get. The. Hint. You know?
It's so funny, because I NEVER had these feelings when I dumped a boyfriend. I felt relief. I was happy to move on. If they called me, my attitude was more along the lines of, "WTF do you want?" rather than, "Shit. I am an asshole." -- which is how I feel right now, staring at my phone and its voicemail message from Miss Eeyore.
It's a million times more difficult to blow off a friend than a boyfriend. I can't figure out why. You'd think it'd be worse with the guy -- after all, you have probably seen each other naked. There's an intimacy there. But for some reason, loyalty seems to trump compatibility in friendships. It's sort of the other way around when romance is involved. Look at all the men who have friends from childhood, and despite their obvious differences, they still hang out. Guys don't seem to care. It's like loyalty is the #1 rule. Even if the guy is a lame-o. I don't get this. You can call me selfish, but I think life is too short to spend it with people who bore the shit out of you.
Perhaps it's confusing, because I don't hate her guts or anything. She's still on my myspace friends list. I just don't want to be an active friend to her. If I run into her in the grocery store, fine. Let's have a friendly chat. Catch up. But I do not want to hang out with her over a meal or even a drink. I don't miss her or regret ending the friendship.
And I don't think there's any way to tell someone that without hurting their feelings. So my phone stays where it is, next to me on my desk.
It's so strange, being on both sides of the same coin at the same time. I am excited! No, wait. I'm an asshole. I can't wait to catch up! Why won't you leave me alone? Please remember to call me! Ugh, stop calling me!
With Miss Eeyore, I feel guilt and shame. And empathy. Which only makes the guilt worse. I know exactly how this must make her feel. The confusion. The pain.
With Lady Starfish, I have trust issues. I am hurt. I am resentful. Yet understanding. Because I have been blowing someone off for 2 years, myself. I also worry that I am her Miss Eeyore, and I have finally browbeaten her into calling me.
Is this karma at work? Some surreal metaphor? Is the universe trying to teach me something?
Ugh. Friendships are hard. What should I do?
It's just that I'm thinking about all of that stuff again lately. I think it's because this week, I was contacted by an old and dear friend I've missed terribly (anyone remember Lady Starfish? 25 pts for you if you do). She was my best friend for years. Even when she moved to Tennessee, we stayed close. Then one day, she didn't return my call. I waited a couple weeks, called again, and that call was not returned, either. I am pretty good at taking a hint, so I admitted defeat: the friendship is over. A few tears in my pillow, and I moved on. I tried not to take it personally. She is the first to admit that she's a crappy friend. This was about 2 years ago.
Every so often, I would think about her, and even try and call her. But to no avail. After a while, I realized I may not ever be able to get in touch with her again: she probably changed her phone number to avoid her psycho ex-husband, she changes jobs a lot and she got re-married to a guy whose last name I don't know. So I basically gave up.
So imagine my surprise when she called me the other day!
Well, she sort of called me. You know how if you hit the wrong button on your phone, you can accidentally call someone? Somehow, she did that to me. I was so excited. But when I picked up, all I could hear was a car radio. She must have been driving somewhere, and the phone was on the seat next to her. I could hear the radio loud and clear, and even hear her rolling the window up and down. But she could not hear me yelling her name. So I gave up. And hung up. And was very sad. So close, but so far. If only...
Today, the rollercoaster friendship started back up again. I got a text message from her, telling me she misses me and is going out of town but wants to catch up on Monday! She apologized for being gone so long! Yay! My friend is back! She must have seen that she accidentally called me.
But I am wary. I am gun-shy. I'm wondering if we can even be close friends again. It's not that I'm not aware that friendships can fluctuate or even wither away. But it is painful, sometimes. She's one of my favorite people, so for her to jump in and out makes me feel...disposable. B-list. Back burner. And it hurts. I think I am going to have to say something about this, when we talk on Monday. Oh, who are we kidding. I KNOW I will say something. I have a big mouth and I think out loud. So we will see. Right now, I am expecting her to not answer her phone on Monday......experience makes you a pessimist. *sigh*
I swear, it's like dating a guy or something. My emotions right now are the same as when an old ex-boyfriend would call me and want to get back together. I have all these questions, and old memories, and a longing to have that person in my life again. But at the same time, didn't we already try this? How can I trust them again? How do I know this will be worth my emotional and time investment? Do I only give it a half-assed try, in order to protect myself? Or should I settle in for the time being, grateful for every moment? Maybe I should keep up some walls for a while. It's only fair, since I've been put on the back burner all this time.
Right now, I am wary. But excited.
Also this week, I have been dealing with the flip side of this situation. There's a girl I used to be friends with. She's very nice, but not very fun. And she makes (what are, in my opinion) stupid decisions. She has a tendency to be negative. A wet blanket. An Eeyore. Looking back, I am surprised I could even tolerate being around her for as long as I was. But when your schedules mesh well, and you can't really come up with a bad reason to stop being someone's friend...you find yourself sort of stuck with them....
Until you can't take it anymore and realize you'd rather just be alone. Which is what happened to me about 2 years ago. So I faded away. I didn't always return calls, and if I did, I cut them short. I cancelled plans, or always had some kind of an excuse. I was hoping this would do the trick -- she would get the hint and move on.
Only, she hasn't. About every 6 months, I will get an email or a phone call. I don't return them, of course. I thought she was done, until she called me. And emailed me. And text messaged me. All in the same day. That day is today.
She is having a big graduation party and wants me to go. While I applaud her achievement, I have ZERO desire to go to the party. She will corner me and expect an explanation for my long absence. Or worse, act like it never happened. The other girls from that "group" will also be there. I have also blown them off for the same reasons. The food might be good, but the party will be lame. It will be awkward, at best. I know everyone will want to know "where I've been" because I'm a "stranger". Which, if you are a woman, you know is just a thin veil for, "WTF? I thought you were my friend!" The best thing I can hope for is that they are all pissed at me, and will refuse to speak to me. This would actually be the best thing to happen, if I go. But do I want to go to a party like that? Um, no.
And yet, I cannot bring myself to reply to any of her attempts at contacting me. What do I say?? I can't go to your party, which isn't until mid-December? Congratulations on working your ass off for the last 3 years, but I can't make it? I don't want to be your friend anymore? Please stop calling me? I'd love to, but I have to clean my house that day?
Any of these replies will either hurt her feelings or open the door for further contact. Neither of which are viable options, from what I can see.
The thought of talking to her fills me with dread and guilt. At the same time, I am even growing a little irritated at her inability to just let sleeping dogs lie. Get. The. Hint. You know?
It's so funny, because I NEVER had these feelings when I dumped a boyfriend. I felt relief. I was happy to move on. If they called me, my attitude was more along the lines of, "WTF do you want?" rather than, "Shit. I am an asshole." -- which is how I feel right now, staring at my phone and its voicemail message from Miss Eeyore.
It's a million times more difficult to blow off a friend than a boyfriend. I can't figure out why. You'd think it'd be worse with the guy -- after all, you have probably seen each other naked. There's an intimacy there. But for some reason, loyalty seems to trump compatibility in friendships. It's sort of the other way around when romance is involved. Look at all the men who have friends from childhood, and despite their obvious differences, they still hang out. Guys don't seem to care. It's like loyalty is the #1 rule. Even if the guy is a lame-o. I don't get this. You can call me selfish, but I think life is too short to spend it with people who bore the shit out of you.
Perhaps it's confusing, because I don't hate her guts or anything. She's still on my myspace friends list. I just don't want to be an active friend to her. If I run into her in the grocery store, fine. Let's have a friendly chat. Catch up. But I do not want to hang out with her over a meal or even a drink. I don't miss her or regret ending the friendship.
And I don't think there's any way to tell someone that without hurting their feelings. So my phone stays where it is, next to me on my desk.
It's so strange, being on both sides of the same coin at the same time. I am excited! No, wait. I'm an asshole. I can't wait to catch up! Why won't you leave me alone? Please remember to call me! Ugh, stop calling me!
With Miss Eeyore, I feel guilt and shame. And empathy. Which only makes the guilt worse. I know exactly how this must make her feel. The confusion. The pain.
With Lady Starfish, I have trust issues. I am hurt. I am resentful. Yet understanding. Because I have been blowing someone off for 2 years, myself. I also worry that I am her Miss Eeyore, and I have finally browbeaten her into calling me.
Is this karma at work? Some surreal metaphor? Is the universe trying to teach me something?
Ugh. Friendships are hard. What should I do?
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Ok, You Got Me!
"Hello?" I asked, answering my cell. It was a number I didn't recognize.
A deadpan voice recited a script to me: "Hello, this is blah-blah-blah, I am a relay operator, I am calling on behalf of Lady, who is deaf. Anything you wish to say, you must address to the caller. I am only the relay operator, so please do not talk directly to me. I will type whatever you say into a terminal, which will be read by the caller. Then, the caller will type their reply and I will read it to you. Are you ready to begin?" (Ok, I don't remember word-for-word what he said, but it was similar to this. And he said it at about 5,873 words per minute.)
"Um....what? I think this is a wrong number. I have no idea what you are talking about." I said.
*HUGE sigh on operator's part*
"Ma'am, you cannot talk directly to me. I am calling on behalf of a deaf person. If you have a question, please direct it to the caller," the operator said, still totally deadpan.
"Ok. Sorry," I replied. A lightbulb had gone on in my head--this is how deaf people make phone calls. They need an interpreter. Ok. Makes sense.
There was just one, teeny-tiny problem: I don't know any deaf people.
I took a deep breath. I figured it was a deaf person, dialing the wrong number. I hadn't even said anything, and I already felt bad that I needed to tell some poor, frustrated deaf person to hang up and try again.
"Um, caller, what did you say your name was?" I asked.
I heard typing. I waited a second for the reply.
The operator read it to me: "This is Lady. Remember, we did this last Saturday? How is your new dog?"
"What the...? I'm sorry, I'm very confused right now. There must be some mistake. I don't know any deaf people," I said, flustered.
*another HUGE sigh from the deadpan operator*
"Ma'am, I need to remind you that you cannot speak directly to me. Please discuss this with the caller."
"Ok," I said, thinking I should probably just hang up. "Lady, what is your last name?"
(I thought it was very ironic that I was getting a wrong number call from a deaf woman named Lady--just like my best friend. I also thought it was weird that this stranger was asking about my new dog. Weird coincidence. So I was in "Detective VB" mode at this point.)
The operator said, "My last name is Sarflish." -- It sounded like her last name, but all garbled up. Hmmm. Then I remembered that she had just eloped to Las Vegas to get married (no joke), and I didn't know her new husband's last name. So this question needed to be thrown out anyway. Back to the investigative drawing board.
I thought of a better question: "Lady, what is the name of your dog?" I asked.
More typing by the operator.
"Petunia and I love her very much," came the reply. That is Lady Starfish's dog's name. This HAD to be her calling me. Then, I thought about it....and usually when thinking happens, my overactive imagination will take over.
OHMYGOD, Lady Starfish must have been in a car accident, and now she was in the hospital, and she has lost her hearing!!!! OHMIGOD!!!!!!
"LADY! Are you ok? Were you in an accident? Why are you calling me like this? If this is a joke, it is NOT FUNNY!" I said, panicking. I heard the operator typing vigorously.
The more I thought about her being in a car accident, the more upset I became. I started to get tears in my eyes.
Then, my call waiting beeped--it was Lady Starfish.
"Hold on," I said to the operator. I clicked over, suddenly realizing I was the victim of a cruel practical joke.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" Lady Starfish laughed. "Oh, man, that was the best joke ever! I totally got you!"
Grrrrrr......
"Lady, that was NOT funny! I really thought you were deaf! I was worried you had been in a car accident and you were in the hospital!" I shouted.
"You DID? Oh my gawd, that is so funny. No, I'm not in the hospital. If that had happened, I would have had [her husband] call you. Good grief. It's just this website where you can go and pretend you're deaf. They will call any number you want. Wanna do it to Repo?" she asked.
"NO. I don't. That was not funny. I was really worried. I mean, I'm sure I'll laugh about it one day, but you really upset me--I was on the verge of crying," I lectured her.
"Oh, I'm sorry! But it really was so funny. The best part was, after everything you said, when the operator would type it, he would put in parentheses: 'sounds confused'. I was cracking up!" she laughed.
"And I'm not doing it to Repo, because a) he can kiss my ass and b) he would just hang up anyway. He is not the kind of person who would play along like me. You are totally evil, by the way," I said.
She apologized again, and we had a normal conversation. We talked about her elopement again, I told her about Toby and Hot Neighbor, she told me how she had lost her driver's license somehow. She doesn't even know when or where she lost it. She's such a dingbat. After catching up, we decided we need to get together with our doggies one weekend--Petunia is her new, little pug puppy. [Awww...] Now that it's getting warm, I like to take a break from the heat and visit her in the Tennessee mountains where she lives. It's beautiful up there. Besides, I haven't met her new husband yet.
Oh yes, I said new. She runs through men like I run through underwear. Kidding!!! Just a little joke, LS!!!!
I guess we are even now. You see, I was due for a practical joke. She and her ex-husband divorced before I met her. A few years ago, she and her ex-husband were talking and hanging out again, so I started to tease her and say they were going to get re-married. This annoyed her to no end, which only spurred me on.
I went to every wedding-related website I could think of and signed her up for free catalogs, magazines, brochures, email lists and samples. I even made a wedding registry for her at Target, Bed Bath & Beyond and Wal-Mart. She said she got free stuff in the mail and about 10 junk emails EVERY DAY for months. This still makes me giggle.
So now, we're even.
A deadpan voice recited a script to me: "Hello, this is blah-blah-blah, I am a relay operator, I am calling on behalf of Lady, who is deaf. Anything you wish to say, you must address to the caller. I am only the relay operator, so please do not talk directly to me. I will type whatever you say into a terminal, which will be read by the caller. Then, the caller will type their reply and I will read it to you. Are you ready to begin?" (Ok, I don't remember word-for-word what he said, but it was similar to this. And he said it at about 5,873 words per minute.)
"Um....what? I think this is a wrong number. I have no idea what you are talking about." I said.
*HUGE sigh on operator's part*
"Ma'am, you cannot talk directly to me. I am calling on behalf of a deaf person. If you have a question, please direct it to the caller," the operator said, still totally deadpan.
"Ok. Sorry," I replied. A lightbulb had gone on in my head--this is how deaf people make phone calls. They need an interpreter. Ok. Makes sense.
There was just one, teeny-tiny problem: I don't know any deaf people.
I took a deep breath. I figured it was a deaf person, dialing the wrong number. I hadn't even said anything, and I already felt bad that I needed to tell some poor, frustrated deaf person to hang up and try again.
"Um, caller, what did you say your name was?" I asked.
I heard typing. I waited a second for the reply.
The operator read it to me: "This is Lady. Remember, we did this last Saturday? How is your new dog?"
"What the...? I'm sorry, I'm very confused right now. There must be some mistake. I don't know any deaf people," I said, flustered.
*another HUGE sigh from the deadpan operator*
"Ma'am, I need to remind you that you cannot speak directly to me. Please discuss this with the caller."
"Ok," I said, thinking I should probably just hang up. "Lady, what is your last name?"
(I thought it was very ironic that I was getting a wrong number call from a deaf woman named Lady--just like my best friend. I also thought it was weird that this stranger was asking about my new dog. Weird coincidence. So I was in "Detective VB" mode at this point.)
The operator said, "My last name is Sarflish." -- It sounded like her last name, but all garbled up. Hmmm. Then I remembered that she had just eloped to Las Vegas to get married (no joke), and I didn't know her new husband's last name. So this question needed to be thrown out anyway. Back to the investigative drawing board.
I thought of a better question: "Lady, what is the name of your dog?" I asked.
More typing by the operator.
"Petunia and I love her very much," came the reply. That is Lady Starfish's dog's name. This HAD to be her calling me. Then, I thought about it....and usually when thinking happens, my overactive imagination will take over.
OHMYGOD, Lady Starfish must have been in a car accident, and now she was in the hospital, and she has lost her hearing!!!! OHMIGOD!!!!!!
"LADY! Are you ok? Were you in an accident? Why are you calling me like this? If this is a joke, it is NOT FUNNY!" I said, panicking. I heard the operator typing vigorously.
The more I thought about her being in a car accident, the more upset I became. I started to get tears in my eyes.
Then, my call waiting beeped--it was Lady Starfish.
"Hold on," I said to the operator. I clicked over, suddenly realizing I was the victim of a cruel practical joke.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" Lady Starfish laughed. "Oh, man, that was the best joke ever! I totally got you!"
Grrrrrr......
"Lady, that was NOT funny! I really thought you were deaf! I was worried you had been in a car accident and you were in the hospital!" I shouted.
"You DID? Oh my gawd, that is so funny. No, I'm not in the hospital. If that had happened, I would have had [her husband] call you. Good grief. It's just this website where you can go and pretend you're deaf. They will call any number you want. Wanna do it to Repo?" she asked.
"NO. I don't. That was not funny. I was really worried. I mean, I'm sure I'll laugh about it one day, but you really upset me--I was on the verge of crying," I lectured her.
"Oh, I'm sorry! But it really was so funny. The best part was, after everything you said, when the operator would type it, he would put in parentheses: 'sounds confused'. I was cracking up!" she laughed.
"And I'm not doing it to Repo, because a) he can kiss my ass and b) he would just hang up anyway. He is not the kind of person who would play along like me. You are totally evil, by the way," I said.
She apologized again, and we had a normal conversation. We talked about her elopement again, I told her about Toby and Hot Neighbor, she told me how she had lost her driver's license somehow. She doesn't even know when or where she lost it. She's such a dingbat. After catching up, we decided we need to get together with our doggies one weekend--Petunia is her new, little pug puppy. [Awww...] Now that it's getting warm, I like to take a break from the heat and visit her in the Tennessee mountains where she lives. It's beautiful up there. Besides, I haven't met her new husband yet.
Oh yes, I said new. She runs through men like I run through underwear. Kidding!!! Just a little joke, LS!!!!
I guess we are even now. You see, I was due for a practical joke. She and her ex-husband divorced before I met her. A few years ago, she and her ex-husband were talking and hanging out again, so I started to tease her and say they were going to get re-married. This annoyed her to no end, which only spurred me on.
I went to every wedding-related website I could think of and signed her up for free catalogs, magazines, brochures, email lists and samples. I even made a wedding registry for her at Target, Bed Bath & Beyond and Wal-Mart. She said she got free stuff in the mail and about 10 junk emails EVERY DAY for months. This still makes me giggle.
So now, we're even.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
"Lowe" Expectations
This past weekend, I was supposed to go out on both Friday and Saturday nights.
Instead, I fell asleep on my couch at 8:30pm both nights.
I am officially old.
I was going to recount my rather uneventful weekend here, but I really doubt you're interested in knowing what I bought at the used CD store on Sunday. Blah.
You see, most of my weekend was spent cleaning, organizing, painting my kitchen, hanging pictures and doing other household chores in preparation for my housewarming party this coming weekend. So it wasn't much to write home about. My room is finally clean and my kitchen is now blue. The end.
There are really only 2 bits of news I want to share:
1. I have lost 4 pounds. Go me.
2. Lady Starfish is in town for training this week, so I finally get to see my best friend. [Insert "YAY!!!" here.] We have only talked on the phone for the last year, so I am about to pee in my pants at the idea of actually seeing her and talking face-to-face with her. This means we will inevitably go out to eat, where I will proceed to re-gain all 4 pounds I worked so hard to lose. Not to mention the fact that all my alloted gym time for the week will now be re-allocated to long, analytical discussions about our love lives. Or, in my case, a lack thereof.
I do have a quick vent, though. I made a couple trips to Home Depot and Lowe's this weekend. And I have decided I hate both of these stores. Being a girl who is both a first-time home owner and extremely mechanically challenged, my first order of business in these places is to catch an employee and cling onto them helplessly until I get what I need from them: the answers to all 463 of my questions.
As if that isn't hard enough, I then have to select and make my purchases, take them home and figure out how to use/install them. If I am successful, I have bragging rights among my circle of girlfriends and a new feature in my home. If I fail, I have wasted time and money, and I have to continue making trips until I am successful. Which gets tiring. I am ignorant of the environment, fearful of what lies around each corner and do not speak the language of the natives. I am only armed with the most insignificant of weapons: my poor knowledge of all things home-improvement related. And I'm most definitely not dressed to blend into my surroundings.
In short, going to Home Depot and Lowe's is the Wild Safari of the Single Girl.
I have been looking for Hercules Hooks because I really suck at hanging pictures, and I think they'd be great. I had heard they were sold at these two stores. The employees of these two businesses looked at me as though I had just asked them if I could buy Lichtenstein. They had no idea what I was talking about. You'd think that being A) male and B) into home improvement inventions would equal C) a thorough knowledge of Billy Mays' infomercial. Apparently not.
Fine, I thought. I'll just move down my list and see if they have the other things I need.
"Ok, how about a 13 x 19 air filter?" Doesn't exist, according to these guys.
Of course, what no one told me was that if you look closely at the air filter, on the other side of the cardboard frame, it says in large numbers "14 x 20", which is a very common size. I found this out when I got home and looked at it again. Previously, I had looked at the more detailed side of the frame.: "13.5 x 19.5" it read. Argh.
Nice work, home professionals. Keep up that fantastic training. Way to help the end user with their needs.
Next on my list...
"I have a lamp that doesn't work," I said. "The switch to turn it on/off doesn't catch. I need a new...thingie." (One of the things I dislike about these places is that unless you can 'talk shop' with them, you are reduced to using words like "thingie", "dohickey" and "what's-it-called". Because you don't look stupid enough already, wandering around in there like a lost little lamb. Then, when you are explaining what you need in plain English, they look at you like you are either mentally impaired or speaking Swahili.) It's always tempting for me to yell, "Look! Stop being assholes! You know what I'm talking about!" -- I guess I am a little paranoid that they are getting sick pleasure out of my desperation.
Then again, I can't really blame them. I would be doing the same thing if I were them.
While I will give them credit for actually understanding what I needed [Note to self: The technical term for lamp thingie is: " replacement lamp socket"] and showing me where it was, they neglected to realize that I have no experience whatsoever with dismantling small electrical equipment, and therefore, am totally terrified of anything which has the potential to electrocute me. I am also inexperienced with the following: tools, wires, electrical currents, dismantling, reassembling, knowing the names of small parts and of course, sockets. So I said to the guy, "Are these relatively easy to do yourself, even if you don't know how to do it and have never done it before?"
He replied, "Oh, yeah. You just remove the influx capacitor, switch the wires around, making sure the copper one is on the right-hand side and that they're not touching or twisted, and then you tie the Underwriter's knot in the wires, which prevents the nucleus of the energy units from mitosis. After that, you insert one pi's worth of energy into aligning the socket switches, taking care not to confuse this type of socket with one only capable of handling no more than 100 units of calendration at any given time. Then you just screw in the bulb and go. Theoretically."
At least, I think that's what he said.
I replied, "Ok, let me rephrase that. Are these relatively easy to do if you are the dumb blonde, first-time home owner, mechanically challenged human that I am, running loose in the home improvement store like a free-range chicken?"
He laughed, and then repeated what he had just said.
Needless to say, my lamp still isn't fixed. Look, I feel smart when I get the proper bulb wattage in my lamp. Replacing the entire "malfunctioning lamp socket" is entirely out of my skill set, people.
I went in looking for ten items, and ended up buying two fan pulls and a diet Coke. Quite the productive trip, no?
So much for "building something together." Because I can assure you, Home Depot, I can't do it. And you apparently can't help me.
Next time, I'm going to Ace Hardware. At least they bill themselves as "The Helpful Place". I'll have to put that idea to the test.
I think I need to hire a guide for my next trip. Someone who can interpret the natives and hunt down things much better than I can. One day, I'm gonna get hurt out there.
And if I ever see one of those guys here in the library, and they ask for back issues of Popular Mechanics, I'm going to snicker, and then reply, "Ok, first you look at our OPAC, which will take you into our catalog. Once you do a title search, you need to see if we carry it online or if we have a hard copy. Then, you have to see which issues and volume numbers our specific branch has here, to see if we have the issue which contains the article you're looking for. If we don't have the actual issue you need, either electronically or physically, you must fill out an Interlibrary Loan request form, located downstairs...you do have the title, page number, volume of the issue and author of the article, right?"
Instead, I fell asleep on my couch at 8:30pm both nights.
I am officially old.
I was going to recount my rather uneventful weekend here, but I really doubt you're interested in knowing what I bought at the used CD store on Sunday. Blah.
You see, most of my weekend was spent cleaning, organizing, painting my kitchen, hanging pictures and doing other household chores in preparation for my housewarming party this coming weekend. So it wasn't much to write home about. My room is finally clean and my kitchen is now blue. The end.
There are really only 2 bits of news I want to share:
1. I have lost 4 pounds. Go me.
2. Lady Starfish is in town for training this week, so I finally get to see my best friend. [Insert "YAY!!!" here.] We have only talked on the phone for the last year, so I am about to pee in my pants at the idea of actually seeing her and talking face-to-face with her. This means we will inevitably go out to eat, where I will proceed to re-gain all 4 pounds I worked so hard to lose. Not to mention the fact that all my alloted gym time for the week will now be re-allocated to long, analytical discussions about our love lives. Or, in my case, a lack thereof.
I do have a quick vent, though. I made a couple trips to Home Depot and Lowe's this weekend. And I have decided I hate both of these stores. Being a girl who is both a first-time home owner and extremely mechanically challenged, my first order of business in these places is to catch an employee and cling onto them helplessly until I get what I need from them: the answers to all 463 of my questions.
As if that isn't hard enough, I then have to select and make my purchases, take them home and figure out how to use/install them. If I am successful, I have bragging rights among my circle of girlfriends and a new feature in my home. If I fail, I have wasted time and money, and I have to continue making trips until I am successful. Which gets tiring. I am ignorant of the environment, fearful of what lies around each corner and do not speak the language of the natives. I am only armed with the most insignificant of weapons: my poor knowledge of all things home-improvement related. And I'm most definitely not dressed to blend into my surroundings.
In short, going to Home Depot and Lowe's is the Wild Safari of the Single Girl.
I have been looking for Hercules Hooks because I really suck at hanging pictures, and I think they'd be great. I had heard they were sold at these two stores. The employees of these two businesses looked at me as though I had just asked them if I could buy Lichtenstein. They had no idea what I was talking about. You'd think that being A) male and B) into home improvement inventions would equal C) a thorough knowledge of Billy Mays' infomercial. Apparently not.
Fine, I thought. I'll just move down my list and see if they have the other things I need.
"Ok, how about a 13 x 19 air filter?" Doesn't exist, according to these guys.
Of course, what no one told me was that if you look closely at the air filter, on the other side of the cardboard frame, it says in large numbers "14 x 20", which is a very common size. I found this out when I got home and looked at it again. Previously, I had looked at the more detailed side of the frame.: "13.5 x 19.5" it read. Argh.
Nice work, home professionals. Keep up that fantastic training. Way to help the end user with their needs.
Next on my list...
"I have a lamp that doesn't work," I said. "The switch to turn it on/off doesn't catch. I need a new...thingie." (One of the things I dislike about these places is that unless you can 'talk shop' with them, you are reduced to using words like "thingie", "dohickey" and "what's-it-called". Because you don't look stupid enough already, wandering around in there like a lost little lamb. Then, when you are explaining what you need in plain English, they look at you like you are either mentally impaired or speaking Swahili.) It's always tempting for me to yell, "Look! Stop being assholes! You know what I'm talking about!" -- I guess I am a little paranoid that they are getting sick pleasure out of my desperation.
Then again, I can't really blame them. I would be doing the same thing if I were them.
While I will give them credit for actually understanding what I needed [Note to self: The technical term for lamp thingie is: " replacement lamp socket"] and showing me where it was, they neglected to realize that I have no experience whatsoever with dismantling small electrical equipment, and therefore, am totally terrified of anything which has the potential to electrocute me. I am also inexperienced with the following: tools, wires, electrical currents, dismantling, reassembling, knowing the names of small parts and of course, sockets. So I said to the guy, "Are these relatively easy to do yourself, even if you don't know how to do it and have never done it before?"
He replied, "Oh, yeah. You just remove the influx capacitor, switch the wires around, making sure the copper one is on the right-hand side and that they're not touching or twisted, and then you tie the Underwriter's knot in the wires, which prevents the nucleus of the energy units from mitosis. After that, you insert one pi's worth of energy into aligning the socket switches, taking care not to confuse this type of socket with one only capable of handling no more than 100 units of calendration at any given time. Then you just screw in the bulb and go. Theoretically."
At least, I think that's what he said.
I replied, "Ok, let me rephrase that. Are these relatively easy to do if you are the dumb blonde, first-time home owner, mechanically challenged human that I am, running loose in the home improvement store like a free-range chicken?"
He laughed, and then repeated what he had just said.
Needless to say, my lamp still isn't fixed. Look, I feel smart when I get the proper bulb wattage in my lamp. Replacing the entire "malfunctioning lamp socket" is entirely out of my skill set, people.
I went in looking for ten items, and ended up buying two fan pulls and a diet Coke. Quite the productive trip, no?
So much for "building something together." Because I can assure you, Home Depot, I can't do it. And you apparently can't help me.
Next time, I'm going to Ace Hardware. At least they bill themselves as "The Helpful Place". I'll have to put that idea to the test.
I think I need to hire a guide for my next trip. Someone who can interpret the natives and hunt down things much better than I can. One day, I'm gonna get hurt out there.
And if I ever see one of those guys here in the library, and they ask for back issues of Popular Mechanics, I'm going to snicker, and then reply, "Ok, first you look at our OPAC, which will take you into our catalog. Once you do a title search, you need to see if we carry it online or if we have a hard copy. Then, you have to see which issues and volume numbers our specific branch has here, to see if we have the issue which contains the article you're looking for. If we don't have the actual issue you need, either electronically or physically, you must fill out an Interlibrary Loan request form, located downstairs...you do have the title, page number, volume of the issue and author of the article, right?"
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
VB's 1st B-Day
Yay! Happy 1st Birthday to my blog! It was actually last Saturday, but I have been busy with moving and stuff. So to those of you who have been with me for a year (um...I think that is Dating Dummy...and that's about it!) I will say "thank you!" and to those of you who are newer readers, I say "thank you and welcome." But no matter if you just discovered me last week or last year, I am always surprised and glad to see that random people I (usually) don't even know come here, read and are interested enough to leave comments. I am feeling the love.Let's see...where was I a year ago? What has changed now? I have a dog, a house, some new friends, some cake decorating skillz (see photo above*), some bad dates under my belt, another ex-boyfriend, a new driver's license and loads more life experience. I have learned a lot in the last year, and I hope you have enjoyed going along with me. I am grateful to have readers, and I have loved your comments and blogs, too.
Ok, enough cheesiness. How about a shot of my gorgeous basket-weaving skillz?
Check that out. I know you are hungry now, especially knowing that lurking beneath that white frosting is a deliciously moist chocolate cake. Yummm....Looking at that now, I see that I have to work on my basketweave...but I digress...
I'm in a much better mood today. Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive comments. It's not like I feel I don't have any friends. Good grief, I never met a stranger in my life. I love my friends. I have just been feeling that need to have someone to lean on and vent to. Someone to help me do stuff. (And please, MJ & Stuckey, please don't think I am not grateful for all you do! You guys are a big help!) I am just ready for someone to share my life with--and I don't necessarily mean in a marriage-related way. I'm just tired of doing everything by myself! If I had a super-best girlfriend, I would have what I need. (Of course, a super-best boyfriend would also fit the bill, but they don't exactly fall from the sky, you know. Friends are a lot easier to find.)
I think I'm just bummed because I miss Lady Starfish very, very much. And I'm starting to get worried about her. I'm also really homesick. I think that all this, combined with the stress of moving has left me feeling kind of tired and sad.
It may have played a role in the fact that I called in sick yesterday. I felt like crap-- migraine and an upset tummy. Blech. The hardest part was laying on my couch, looking around at all the stuff I needed to do, and not feeling well enough to do it! Argh. I hate it when I'm not productive.
Instead, I watched an Indiana University basketball game I had recorded (thanks, DVR!). We beat Lafayette, but then last night we lost to Butler University, which, if you are from the Indy area, is kind of an insult. But it's a building year. We have a new coach, so it should be an exciting season, at the very least. Like The General, he has already managed to stir up some controversy. Maybe it's a school tradition!
Speaking of The General, did you hear about his latest controversy? You can read about it here.
I did get some good news today: At my closing, they overcharged me on my homeowner's insurance, so I am owed $85! Woo-hoo! The other good news is that the builder is coming over tomorrow to talk to me about replacing my cracked shower wall and my dishwasher. I tried to wash some dishes, but no water is coming out. (And before you ask, yes, I turned the valve under the sink.)
I had some more stuff to tell you...but I'm kinda tired now from cleaning up the old apartment. It will have to wait until tomorrow. I can't remember right now. Oh, I know. It was about the girl in my cake decorating class. I guess you'll just have to deal with some suspense today, folks.
Remind me to tell you the funny story about The General and a late-night run to Denny's.
*I have to admit, I did not make the roses. I suck at roses. So another girl in my class made them for me because she is awesome like that.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Me Against the World?
I've been feeling really lonely lately. I am not dating anyone. My best friend is MIA. My family is far away and busy with their own lives. My roommate and I aren't as close as we used to be. The same can be said for some other friends I have. My other friends are too busy, not very close to me or too "new" for me to burden them with my problems.
There are few people in your life you can call and whine to about being lonely! Especially when your mother has no sympathy for you. Because otherwise, she'd be first on my list. Normally, I can vent to her about anything. But she has no sympathy for the woe-is-me attitude. She'd just tell me to suck it up, quit whining and start making plans with my friends. I can hear her now: "The only cure for loneliness is to be around people." Which is right, but not what I want to hear right now. Besides, she's up to her eyeballs in work right now, so she wouldn't even have time to say that.
I'm not trying to whine or feel sorry for myself. Ok, maybe I am a little. But I was thinking about it this past weekend. After college, it's really hard to make friends. It's hard to meet people you really like and even harder to have prime bonding opportunities with them. It's easy in college--everyone you meet is close to your age, has a lot of the same goals, lives in the same town and there are umpteen chances to hang out: parties, study sessions, late-night food runs etc. Now, everyone gets married, has babies or moves away (that would be yours truly--not that I regret leaving Indy). It's hard to keep in touch without being in the same town or having similar day-to-day experiences. People grow apart. Which is fine-- it happens. I have tried to distance myself a few times, so it goes both ways. In any case, my circle of friends has shrunk these past few years. Not that I don't have friends. I have lots of friends. I think what is really missing right now is a best girlfriend. I am craving that close friendship intimacy which can only happen between two girls. (No, not like that, sicko!) A girl I talk to every day, who knows all my friends, who knows my day-to-day life, who hangs out with me on the weekends.
You'd think this would be a problem for someone who just moved to a new town, not someone who's lived here for 4 years!
Now that I'm on my own, it's really starting to hit me with how hard it can be to make new friends. I don't want to come off as over-eager, desperate or geeky. Although, secretly, when I meet someone I like, I could spend every day with them and never tire of it! So I usually hold back. And wait for it to develop naturally. It's hard, though, because as I get older, I find fewer and fewer people I actually like enough to talk to every day. So it's really exciting when it does happen!
So what is a good way to make a new friend? I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them or something-- "Wanna go out to dinner sometime?" can sound funny if not in the proper context. Ugh. Normally, I just hold my breath, bring up the idea of happy hour drinks and hope for the best. That's what I did with MJ. It worked out very well.
I don't know why I've been so self-conscious about it lately. I'm a pretty friendly and outgoing person. Most people I know like me. I think that maybe it's because of all this stress I've been under (hello, stomach cramps!) and I don't have much of a support network right now. Lady Starfish has gone completely AWOL on me. I haven't heard from her in weeks. Maybe she needs a break from all my venting! If so, I guess I can understand. Actually, I'm starting to get worried about her...but that's a different post. In any case, she has left big shoes to fill and a big black hole in my support network. I miss her!!!
Sometimes, I chicken out when it comes to making new friends. It can almost be as nerve-wracking as a date, really. (This must be how guys feel!) Tonight is the last session in my cake-decorating class. And there is a girl in there. I adore her. She is so sweet and always lets me bum powdered sugar from her. I think she is really cool. But I keep chickening out. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess since the class gets out at 9pm, that's kind of late to be going out afterwards. But I think some of us are going out after class tonight, so maybe I can make plans to do something with her this weekend. [Ugh, this really must be how guys feel. Only I bet it's worse for them.]
I think that it just really hit me this weekend, as I was moving all of my personal belongings (minus my furniture) by myself. Alone. All weekend. By last night, I was exhausted, starving and stressed out about a lot of things. All I wanted was someone to talk to and someone to have made me dinner. That would have been the best thing ever! Last night, I was tired of doing everything all on my own and having no one to talk to, bond with or lean on. I had no help. Besides Sammy, I felt totally alone. And the people I could have called aren't close enough to me yet for me to randomly ring them up and spill my guts to. They'd be annoyed, and then I'd be minus another friend! Who wants whiners in their life?
I think what I really want is a best friend. A girl I can count on, who will listen to me when I'm upset or pissed off or who will come over when I need someone. Who I can share secrets with and who can get excited for me about stuff. I will do the same for her. I have a very high listening tolerance for venting! Who needs dates? I want a best friend! Priorities, you know? Dating isn't any fun if you don't have someone to share the date reviews with!
How did you meet your best friend? Have you been best friends since you were 4 or 24? Have you had a hard time meeting friends as a young adult? Do you think having a best friend is essential, or can you live without it? I truly feel the need to have that one person with whom you are extremely close. Has anyone else found this to be true? Or am I a freak/loser who can't form deep and lasting friendships with other women? Am I the only one who feels lonely and needs a best friend in their life?
Then again, I'm kind of hormonal right now, so this could all be tied in with that! I tend to feel very sorry for myself during certain...times. Watch, tomorrow I'll be writing, "Please ignore my post from yesterday! It was the estrogen talking!"
Ugh, I almost don't want to hit the "Publish" button. I hate it when I'm like this.
There are few people in your life you can call and whine to about being lonely! Especially when your mother has no sympathy for you. Because otherwise, she'd be first on my list. Normally, I can vent to her about anything. But she has no sympathy for the woe-is-me attitude. She'd just tell me to suck it up, quit whining and start making plans with my friends. I can hear her now: "The only cure for loneliness is to be around people." Which is right, but not what I want to hear right now. Besides, she's up to her eyeballs in work right now, so she wouldn't even have time to say that.
I'm not trying to whine or feel sorry for myself. Ok, maybe I am a little. But I was thinking about it this past weekend. After college, it's really hard to make friends. It's hard to meet people you really like and even harder to have prime bonding opportunities with them. It's easy in college--everyone you meet is close to your age, has a lot of the same goals, lives in the same town and there are umpteen chances to hang out: parties, study sessions, late-night food runs etc. Now, everyone gets married, has babies or moves away (that would be yours truly--not that I regret leaving Indy). It's hard to keep in touch without being in the same town or having similar day-to-day experiences. People grow apart. Which is fine-- it happens. I have tried to distance myself a few times, so it goes both ways. In any case, my circle of friends has shrunk these past few years. Not that I don't have friends. I have lots of friends. I think what is really missing right now is a best girlfriend. I am craving that close friendship intimacy which can only happen between two girls. (No, not like that, sicko!) A girl I talk to every day, who knows all my friends, who knows my day-to-day life, who hangs out with me on the weekends.
You'd think this would be a problem for someone who just moved to a new town, not someone who's lived here for 4 years!
Now that I'm on my own, it's really starting to hit me with how hard it can be to make new friends. I don't want to come off as over-eager, desperate or geeky. Although, secretly, when I meet someone I like, I could spend every day with them and never tire of it! So I usually hold back. And wait for it to develop naturally. It's hard, though, because as I get older, I find fewer and fewer people I actually like enough to talk to every day. So it's really exciting when it does happen!
So what is a good way to make a new friend? I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them or something-- "Wanna go out to dinner sometime?" can sound funny if not in the proper context. Ugh. Normally, I just hold my breath, bring up the idea of happy hour drinks and hope for the best. That's what I did with MJ. It worked out very well.
I don't know why I've been so self-conscious about it lately. I'm a pretty friendly and outgoing person. Most people I know like me. I think that maybe it's because of all this stress I've been under (hello, stomach cramps!) and I don't have much of a support network right now. Lady Starfish has gone completely AWOL on me. I haven't heard from her in weeks. Maybe she needs a break from all my venting! If so, I guess I can understand. Actually, I'm starting to get worried about her...but that's a different post. In any case, she has left big shoes to fill and a big black hole in my support network. I miss her!!!
Sometimes, I chicken out when it comes to making new friends. It can almost be as nerve-wracking as a date, really. (This must be how guys feel!) Tonight is the last session in my cake-decorating class. And there is a girl in there. I adore her. She is so sweet and always lets me bum powdered sugar from her. I think she is really cool. But I keep chickening out. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess since the class gets out at 9pm, that's kind of late to be going out afterwards. But I think some of us are going out after class tonight, so maybe I can make plans to do something with her this weekend. [Ugh, this really must be how guys feel. Only I bet it's worse for them.]
I think that it just really hit me this weekend, as I was moving all of my personal belongings (minus my furniture) by myself. Alone. All weekend. By last night, I was exhausted, starving and stressed out about a lot of things. All I wanted was someone to talk to and someone to have made me dinner. That would have been the best thing ever! Last night, I was tired of doing everything all on my own and having no one to talk to, bond with or lean on. I had no help. Besides Sammy, I felt totally alone. And the people I could have called aren't close enough to me yet for me to randomly ring them up and spill my guts to. They'd be annoyed, and then I'd be minus another friend! Who wants whiners in their life?
I think what I really want is a best friend. A girl I can count on, who will listen to me when I'm upset or pissed off or who will come over when I need someone. Who I can share secrets with and who can get excited for me about stuff. I will do the same for her. I have a very high listening tolerance for venting! Who needs dates? I want a best friend! Priorities, you know? Dating isn't any fun if you don't have someone to share the date reviews with!
How did you meet your best friend? Have you been best friends since you were 4 or 24? Have you had a hard time meeting friends as a young adult? Do you think having a best friend is essential, or can you live without it? I truly feel the need to have that one person with whom you are extremely close. Has anyone else found this to be true? Or am I a freak/loser who can't form deep and lasting friendships with other women? Am I the only one who feels lonely and needs a best friend in their life?
Then again, I'm kind of hormonal right now, so this could all be tied in with that! I tend to feel very sorry for myself during certain...times. Watch, tomorrow I'll be writing, "Please ignore my post from yesterday! It was the estrogen talking!"
Ugh, I almost don't want to hit the "Publish" button. I hate it when I'm like this.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Fun Friday!
OMG, I haven't done this in so long! I have been too busy with house stuff.
Ok, here goes.
Actually, first I will share some of my most recent additions to my ever-expanding shoe collection:
The ones I got were more of a pewter color, rather than these bronze ones pictured here. I already wear them constantly.
I got the gold ones to go with a red dress I have. My earrings match perfectly.
I wore my old boots to death, so these are replacements. (Rawr!)
On to the links...
This one was actually recommended to me by the authors. They emailed me about their blog, called How Not to Be Dreadful. I love it! The best part is, they take questions you submit to them. If they like it, they will answer it. I have no idea how they found me. But I'm glad they did.
This one is courtesy of Stephanie at Pickleness. The first time I went here, I almost had a hernia I was laughing so hard. I completely ruined my eye makeup because of the tears running down my face. So check it out: Engrish.
My coworker sent me a link to this next one. It's sort of a myspace for readers--you can leave reviews, show others what you have read and see what other people are reading. I think it's free. So why not check it out?. Shelfari. I think I will. I bet you can put a link on your blog to your "shelf" of book reviews....cool.
You guys probably know all about these already. I am usually behind the trend tide!
This weekend I am hanging out with MJ and her houseguests. Tonight, we hit the bars to show her NY friends around town. Tomorrow is her housewarming par-tay/cookout. MJ and KT say that their NY guy pals are pretty cute. That is why I am planning on seducing them with homemade cookies at the cookout. Lol.
Then Sunday I am going out with Cop 2. He said he's surprising me. Woo-hoo! He said something about miniature golf...we will see. Sounds good to me!
Speaking of Cop 2, how about he offered to help me paint my bedroom and bathroom? Yeah. We were on the phone last night and I was telling him about how I am going to go buy some paint this weekend. He offered to help and then said, "Yeah, I will see if I can take some time off from work to help you. I have tons of vacation days anyway." Very sweet. Who does that??
This, of course, means that something is probably wrong with him...
I have saved the biggest news for last: Lady Starfish is coming for a visit next week!!! She got a new job and has to do some training here in Columbia for a few days. So I get to be Hostess VB and show her around and introduce her to everyone. Which is very exciting, as some of my friends doubt her existance. You see, she has not visited me in a long, long time. And now I have so many new friends and great restaurants to show her. Plus, she gets to meet Sammy and see my house. Can't wait!
Ok, I have to go update by sidebar now...have a great weekend!!!!
Ok, here goes.
Actually, first I will share some of my most recent additions to my ever-expanding shoe collection:
The ones I got were more of a pewter color, rather than these bronze ones pictured here. I already wear them constantly.
I got the gold ones to go with a red dress I have. My earrings match perfectly.
I wore my old boots to death, so these are replacements. (Rawr!)
On to the links...
This one was actually recommended to me by the authors. They emailed me about their blog, called How Not to Be Dreadful. I love it! The best part is, they take questions you submit to them. If they like it, they will answer it. I have no idea how they found me. But I'm glad they did.
This one is courtesy of Stephanie at Pickleness. The first time I went here, I almost had a hernia I was laughing so hard. I completely ruined my eye makeup because of the tears running down my face. So check it out: Engrish.
My coworker sent me a link to this next one. It's sort of a myspace for readers--you can leave reviews, show others what you have read and see what other people are reading. I think it's free. So why not check it out?. Shelfari. I think I will. I bet you can put a link on your blog to your "shelf" of book reviews....cool.
You guys probably know all about these already. I am usually behind the trend tide!
This weekend I am hanging out with MJ and her houseguests. Tonight, we hit the bars to show her NY friends around town. Tomorrow is her housewarming par-tay/cookout. MJ and KT say that their NY guy pals are pretty cute. That is why I am planning on seducing them with homemade cookies at the cookout. Lol.
Then Sunday I am going out with Cop 2. He said he's surprising me. Woo-hoo! He said something about miniature golf...we will see. Sounds good to me!
Speaking of Cop 2, how about he offered to help me paint my bedroom and bathroom? Yeah. We were on the phone last night and I was telling him about how I am going to go buy some paint this weekend. He offered to help and then said, "Yeah, I will see if I can take some time off from work to help you. I have tons of vacation days anyway." Very sweet. Who does that??
This, of course, means that something is probably wrong with him...
I have saved the biggest news for last: Lady Starfish is coming for a visit next week!!! She got a new job and has to do some training here in Columbia for a few days. So I get to be Hostess VB and show her around and introduce her to everyone. Which is very exciting, as some of my friends doubt her existance. You see, she has not visited me in a long, long time. And now I have so many new friends and great restaurants to show her. Plus, she gets to meet Sammy and see my house. Can't wait!
Ok, I have to go update by sidebar now...have a great weekend!!!!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Thursday 13
13 Shocking/Amazing/Fun Things That Have Been Going On
1. The beach trip was fun. There were lots of dogs for Sammy to play with and lots of boys for me to play with. Fat Dog has some cute older friends! We all went out in a big group each night. Saturday night we went to watch a friend's band play on the boardwalk, which was pretty cool. We sat near the stage in this massively glamorous seafood restaurant, called Catch 31. The area is called Neptune Park, and this concert was part of the annual Neptune Festival. All the events are near this huge statue of King Neptune (see photo). 
A lot of the people we hung out with were old friends who hadn't seen each other in a long time, so they were kind of wrapped up in that. [Read: They were a little on the snooty side.] K and I spent most of our time with Fat Dog. Which was fine. We still had fun.
The house we stayed in was gorgeous. 4 bedrooms, 4 baths, new kitchen, hardwood floors. It was decorated in all this Jetsons-style (I learned the official term is "Googie" style) furniture and each room was painted in a gorgeous, rich color: lime, navy, canteloupe, red, etc. There were lots of large houseplants and big windows. There was a big hot tub in the backyard and a large balcony with couches to sit on. Decorative pillows and artwork everywhere. There was even a huge plasma tv! So how did my brother score such a house? His roommate is recently divorced from a woman who is from a very wealthy family. She is a designer or artist by trade, hence the gorgeous home. She told him he could keep the house and all of its furnishings in the divorce settlement. Now they live in the phattest bachelor pad I've ever seen!
The hot tub takes forever and a day to heat up, we learned. Unfortunately, we learned this at 2am after a night of partying, when we really wanted to use it. We ended up having a not-hot tub experience--it was lukewarm. Oh well.
K and I spent Saturday at a great mall. I got a bitchin' pair of peep-toe pumps. You can see a picture of them here. I got the light brown leather ones on clearance. I have nothing to wear them with. This does not bother me in the least.
2. K and I learned that if you drive in the Norfolk/Virginia Beach/Hampton Roads area, you will get lost. No ifs ands or buts. We got lost every time we got into the car. Not just a little lost, but the kind where you are 45 minutes away from where you thought you were. I have vowed never to travel to this part of the country again. It was my first time being lost and it was awful. I am Navigator Extraordinaire, and this was a big blow to my reputation. Luckily, The Czarina confirmed my frustration by agreeing that the roads in this area are labeled terribly--so terribly, in fact, that even The Czarina gets lost there all the time. Good to know I haven't lost my edge.
3. I learned a really, really big secret this week. I am afraid to blurt it out here, but email me and I'll give you the insider scoop. It will probably make your jaw drop.
4. RDG hasn't called me. I figured he wouldn't. Oh well. Free breakfasts are nice, right?
5. Repo takes turns being super sweet and super jerky to me. Aaaargh. It's silly for me to even talk to him, I know. But I'm moving on, trust me. Well, I'm trying to.
6. I have pretty much stopped smoking, although I could really go for a smoke right now....you will see why at the end of this list.
7. I have started working out again and eating (a little) better!!! Yesss! Go me!!
8. College football season has started, and in case you don't understand how important football is down here, all I can say is that it is like a fanatical cult of maniacs. That is the best definition I can think of. With football comes games, tailgating, cookouts and parties. Woo-hoo! The Gamecocks are playing Georgia on Saturday, so I have been hoping to come across a ticket, but I think I'm S.O.L. Which is ok, because I have been invited by about 5 different people to party and/or watch the game with them. I haven't made any definite plans yet, but Saturday will be really fun.
9. On a more interesting note, do you remember W, the guy who has a thing for me? He is friends with Blonde's brother. He is one of the people coming into town this weekend for the game. His plans got messed up, so I invited him to hang out with me for a while. He's nice, and easy to talk to. It should be fine. I just hope there aren't any awkward moments, as he's pretty much in The Friend Zone. I should probably give him a better nickname, though. How about The Crusher? Or maybe Black Eye, since he got into a bar fight last weekend? (Seriously, what is up with the fist fighting, guys???)
10. I found out I will be going to Orlando, FL in December. It's a conference for work. I will definitely get in touch with a college girlfriend who lives down there, but the big question is this: Should I call The Big Ex and tell him that I will be coming into town? We are on good terms, but I am worried that it might be opening up a big can of worms. Although, I'd probably have a really good time hanging out with him. But I just got to the point where we aren't talking anymore. Nothing bad, I just see his number pop up on my phone and think, "What's the point?" So I have been getting off the phone quickly when he calls. Do I want to go there?
11. I have some frequent flier points I have to use by December, so I think I will be making a trip to Naptown, aka Indianapolis, soon. I have so many friends there and I'd love to see everyone.
12. Happy News!!!: Lady Starfish got engaged over Labor Day weekend!!!! She and her man, J have been arguing like cats and dogs lately, so it was a surprise to both her and me to hear this. It turns out, J was being a dickhead intentionally so she wouldn't think anything was up. How funny is that? He took her to a B&B, had champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries and a picnic all laid out for her. Then he popped the question. Awww....oh, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid, which is cool. I've never been one before.
13. Most of today was spent worrying about Sammy, because he is not feeling too good. He has been lethargic and shaky all day. Not eating or drinking, just laying around. When K got home at 2pm, she called me to tell me that Sammy had acquired a fever, too. This freaked me out. So I took him into the vet this afternoon. He needed to have his anal glands drained. Say it with me: EWWWWW!!!!! Like mother, like dog, I guess. We both have had our butt issues. When he was done, he was a lot perkier, which made me feel better.
The vet tech told me to give him some aspirin for the pain (his little butt is tender), but I thought she said tylenol. So I tried to get Sammy to take some Children's Tylenol before I went back to work. He wouldn't eat it. I covered it with peanut butter and left.
On the way back to work, I realized that I had given Sammy tylenol when the tech had told me to give him aspirin. I always get those things confused. I'm blonde like that--advil, aspirin, motrin--it's all the same to me. So, I start freaking out. I did a quick internet search on it, and read that tylenol is poisonous to dogs. Now I'm really freaking. Good job, VB, way to poison your dog. As if it isn't bad enough, having your ass glands clogged, now he's got to worry about his mother trying to poison him. Gah.
I called the vet, panicking. They said the amount I gave him is ok, but any more would have been bad. I told them that he may not have eaten it. Sammy is a really picky eater. He probably just licked the peanut butter off it and left it there. I hope. Right now, I'm waiting for K to get home and call me to tell me how he's doing and what happened to the pill. Fingers crossed...
A lot of the people we hung out with were old friends who hadn't seen each other in a long time, so they were kind of wrapped up in that. [Read: They were a little on the snooty side.] K and I spent most of our time with Fat Dog. Which was fine. We still had fun.The house we stayed in was gorgeous. 4 bedrooms, 4 baths, new kitchen, hardwood floors. It was decorated in all this Jetsons-style (I learned the official term is "Googie" style) furniture and each room was painted in a gorgeous, rich color: lime, navy, canteloupe, red, etc. There were lots of large houseplants and big windows. There was a big hot tub in the backyard and a large balcony with couches to sit on. Decorative pillows and artwork everywhere. There was even a huge plasma tv! So how did my brother score such a house? His roommate is recently divorced from a woman who is from a very wealthy family. She is a designer or artist by trade, hence the gorgeous home. She told him he could keep the house and all of its furnishings in the divorce settlement. Now they live in the phattest bachelor pad I've ever seen!
The hot tub takes forever and a day to heat up, we learned. Unfortunately, we learned this at 2am after a night of partying, when we really wanted to use it. We ended up having a not-hot tub experience--it was lukewarm. Oh well.
K and I spent Saturday at a great mall. I got a bitchin' pair of peep-toe pumps. You can see a picture of them here. I got the light brown leather ones on clearance. I have nothing to wear them with. This does not bother me in the least.
2. K and I learned that if you drive in the Norfolk/Virginia Beach/Hampton Roads area, you will get lost. No ifs ands or buts. We got lost every time we got into the car. Not just a little lost, but the kind where you are 45 minutes away from where you thought you were. I have vowed never to travel to this part of the country again. It was my first time being lost and it was awful. I am Navigator Extraordinaire, and this was a big blow to my reputation. Luckily, The Czarina confirmed my frustration by agreeing that the roads in this area are labeled terribly--so terribly, in fact, that even The Czarina gets lost there all the time. Good to know I haven't lost my edge.
3. I learned a really, really big secret this week. I am afraid to blurt it out here, but email me and I'll give you the insider scoop. It will probably make your jaw drop.
4. RDG hasn't called me. I figured he wouldn't. Oh well. Free breakfasts are nice, right?
5. Repo takes turns being super sweet and super jerky to me. Aaaargh. It's silly for me to even talk to him, I know. But I'm moving on, trust me. Well, I'm trying to.
6. I have pretty much stopped smoking, although I could really go for a smoke right now....you will see why at the end of this list.
7. I have started working out again and eating (a little) better!!! Yesss! Go me!!
8. College football season has started, and in case you don't understand how important football is down here, all I can say is that it is like a fanatical cult of maniacs. That is the best definition I can think of. With football comes games, tailgating, cookouts and parties. Woo-hoo! The Gamecocks are playing Georgia on Saturday, so I have been hoping to come across a ticket, but I think I'm S.O.L. Which is ok, because I have been invited by about 5 different people to party and/or watch the game with them. I haven't made any definite plans yet, but Saturday will be really fun.
9. On a more interesting note, do you remember W, the guy who has a thing for me? He is friends with Blonde's brother. He is one of the people coming into town this weekend for the game. His plans got messed up, so I invited him to hang out with me for a while. He's nice, and easy to talk to. It should be fine. I just hope there aren't any awkward moments, as he's pretty much in The Friend Zone. I should probably give him a better nickname, though. How about The Crusher? Or maybe Black Eye, since he got into a bar fight last weekend? (Seriously, what is up with the fist fighting, guys???)
10. I found out I will be going to Orlando, FL in December. It's a conference for work. I will definitely get in touch with a college girlfriend who lives down there, but the big question is this: Should I call The Big Ex and tell him that I will be coming into town? We are on good terms, but I am worried that it might be opening up a big can of worms. Although, I'd probably have a really good time hanging out with him. But I just got to the point where we aren't talking anymore. Nothing bad, I just see his number pop up on my phone and think, "What's the point?" So I have been getting off the phone quickly when he calls. Do I want to go there?
11. I have some frequent flier points I have to use by December, so I think I will be making a trip to Naptown, aka Indianapolis, soon. I have so many friends there and I'd love to see everyone.
12. Happy News!!!: Lady Starfish got engaged over Labor Day weekend!!!! She and her man, J have been arguing like cats and dogs lately, so it was a surprise to both her and me to hear this. It turns out, J was being a dickhead intentionally so she wouldn't think anything was up. How funny is that? He took her to a B&B, had champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries and a picnic all laid out for her. Then he popped the question. Awww....oh, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid, which is cool. I've never been one before.
13. Most of today was spent worrying about Sammy, because he is not feeling too good. He has been lethargic and shaky all day. Not eating or drinking, just laying around. When K got home at 2pm, she called me to tell me that Sammy had acquired a fever, too. This freaked me out. So I took him into the vet this afternoon. He needed to have his anal glands drained. Say it with me: EWWWWW!!!!! Like mother, like dog, I guess. We both have had our butt issues. When he was done, he was a lot perkier, which made me feel better.
The vet tech told me to give him some aspirin for the pain (his little butt is tender), but I thought she said tylenol. So I tried to get Sammy to take some Children's Tylenol before I went back to work. He wouldn't eat it. I covered it with peanut butter and left.
On the way back to work, I realized that I had given Sammy tylenol when the tech had told me to give him aspirin. I always get those things confused. I'm blonde like that--advil, aspirin, motrin--it's all the same to me. So, I start freaking out. I did a quick internet search on it, and read that tylenol is poisonous to dogs. Now I'm really freaking. Good job, VB, way to poison your dog. As if it isn't bad enough, having your ass glands clogged, now he's got to worry about his mother trying to poison him. Gah.
I called the vet, panicking. They said the amount I gave him is ok, but any more would have been bad. I told them that he may not have eaten it. Sammy is a really picky eater. He probably just licked the peanut butter off it and left it there. I hope. Right now, I'm waiting for K to get home and call me to tell me how he's doing and what happened to the pill. Fingers crossed...
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Better Letters
Ick. I hate it when I'm all whiny and woe-is-me. All apologies for that lame post yesterday. I can assure you I am in a much better mood today. Thanks to everyone for their sweet comments and support. Y'all are the best.
I got home yesterday and was looking at my mail. Czarina had sent me a package. She sees stuff--just little things-- I would like when she shops, and will randomly send them to me. So I get little presents in the mail every so often. Last time, it was a pillow that said, "Every time I meet Mr. Right, my mother scares him away!" -- how true. This time, the package contained pretty dish towels. She knows I don't buy a lot of home decor stuff.
Of course, being in the mood I was in yesterday, seeing this package made me cry.
I love my mom.
I called her to thank her for the towels and began my whining, woe-is-me tirade. And since she and I have brains that are about 75% alike, she gave me the same advice she gives herself when she's bummed out:
You will feel better if you stop whining, get off your butt and take control. So get up and do something that will help you solve your problems. Feeling like you have no control over your life is very stressful. Grab the wheel and start driving.
So I did. And I felt better. I hate that she's always right. I can't wait until I get to be a mom and then everything I say will be right, too.
All I had to do was take a short walk and then look at some of the books I got from the library about picking a career that is good for you. WHAM! Instantly better. That's why I give the same advice to everyone else when they are bummed out.
Yesterday I also received a letter from Lady Starfish. I know she is squealing with delight at reading this. It is a prank letter she sent me, and I forgot to bring it with me. I will post it tomorrow. Then you can all laugh at me. Because it made me laugh.
Other random updates:
Let's see...I had an interview today for a part-time job I applied for a couple weeks ago. It's at a place where I used to work, so the interview was kind of weird because I used to work directly under one of the ladies interviewing me. But it went well. It isn't a big deal to me if I get it or not. Just extra moolah for credit card debt. Or a CD.
For all my fellow Big Brother fans-- did you know you can watch whole episodes on their website? Ack! I'll never miss another episode. Suh-weet.
Oh--boy update. It turns out there are three cute neighbors in my apartment complex. I must have been blinded by being in a relationship. But now I have Hot Neighbor, Blue Eyes and Black Truck Guy. So walks with Sammy are a lot more interesting....
Ok, I'm off to catch up on y'alls blogs....don't miss my first post of the day, my Thursday 13 for this week.
I got home yesterday and was looking at my mail. Czarina had sent me a package. She sees stuff--just little things-- I would like when she shops, and will randomly send them to me. So I get little presents in the mail every so often. Last time, it was a pillow that said, "Every time I meet Mr. Right, my mother scares him away!" -- how true. This time, the package contained pretty dish towels. She knows I don't buy a lot of home decor stuff.
Of course, being in the mood I was in yesterday, seeing this package made me cry.
I love my mom.
I called her to thank her for the towels and began my whining, woe-is-me tirade. And since she and I have brains that are about 75% alike, she gave me the same advice she gives herself when she's bummed out:
You will feel better if you stop whining, get off your butt and take control. So get up and do something that will help you solve your problems. Feeling like you have no control over your life is very stressful. Grab the wheel and start driving.
So I did. And I felt better. I hate that she's always right. I can't wait until I get to be a mom and then everything I say will be right, too.
All I had to do was take a short walk and then look at some of the books I got from the library about picking a career that is good for you. WHAM! Instantly better. That's why I give the same advice to everyone else when they are bummed out.
Yesterday I also received a letter from Lady Starfish. I know she is squealing with delight at reading this. It is a prank letter she sent me, and I forgot to bring it with me. I will post it tomorrow. Then you can all laugh at me. Because it made me laugh.
Other random updates:
Let's see...I had an interview today for a part-time job I applied for a couple weeks ago. It's at a place where I used to work, so the interview was kind of weird because I used to work directly under one of the ladies interviewing me. But it went well. It isn't a big deal to me if I get it or not. Just extra moolah for credit card debt. Or a CD.
For all my fellow Big Brother fans-- did you know you can watch whole episodes on their website? Ack! I'll never miss another episode. Suh-weet.
Oh--boy update. It turns out there are three cute neighbors in my apartment complex. I must have been blinded by being in a relationship. But now I have Hot Neighbor, Blue Eyes and Black Truck Guy. So walks with Sammy are a lot more interesting....
Ok, I'm off to catch up on y'alls blogs....don't miss my first post of the day, my Thursday 13 for this week.
Monday, July 17, 2006
17 Thoughts
Random stuff that is on my mind today...
1. Something is seriously wrong with my electricity bill. An 800 sq. ft. apartment should never have a $165 bill. I don't care how hot it is. So we are getting someone to look at our AC. I don't think it knows when to shut off, because we will set it at 75 degrees, but it won't stop cooling until we turn into human popsicles and shut it off manually.
2. So far, I have eaten pretty healthy food today. Except for some lemon cookies...but that's ok. Baby steps. Perfection isn't the goal anyway. I have not had any cigarettes in almost 48 hours. Go me.
3. I had a super duper fun weekend. I hung out with K and Matilda Jane, who I just adore to pieces. I finally have a friend whose shoes I can borrow! Our feet are (almost) the same size. And I like her taste. She is the coolest. We are both glad to meet another girl who is not bitchy or boring. Hooray for new gal pals!
4. My other blog is seriously dying. Must post recipes!
5. If there is no diet coke in the afterlife, I'm really not interested in going there. I am on such a huge kick--I drink a liter a day lately! I also cannot stop eating peanut butter or anything fruity. Does anyone else get temporary food addictions? Because right now I have 4 bags of frozen fruit, 2 boxes of popsicles, some watermelon, bananas, nectarines, two bottles of juice and an apple in my fridge. And two jars of peanut butter.
6. I can't stop buying jewelry. Another temporary kick. Sometimes it's makeup, sometimes it's shoes. Lately it's jewelry. Four pairs of earrings, two necklaces...I should post some pics...I have noticed that I buy jewelry when my love life is topsy-turvy. I wonder what a psychologist would say.
7. I really need my hair done before my roots get any worse or my ends get any rattier. They are driving me nuts. I'm thinking about going blonder....and cheating on J, my ultra-expensive hairdresser for the past 3 years. I love him, but I am not made of money.
8. K's birthday is coming up. I've already gotten her the bestest birthday present ever, because I have been taking careful notes. Now we just have to work out the details for her party on Saturday. Should we have it at home or get everyone to meet up at a bar? Hmmm...
9. If Sammy gets any cuter, I am afraid I might have to eat him up. My baby talk to him is getting so bad, I got on my own nerves today. Ewww. I need to stop.
10. Um...ok, confession time. I have been talking to and seeing Repo. About once a week. Things are....complicated. Yet wonderful. He is being wonderful. Giving him some time and space to let him work on his life has turned him into Mr. Awesome ExBoyfriend. WTF? Where was this guy when we were dating?? Anyway, he seems to really want to try hard to make me happy, which isn't a bad thing...but I'm too scared to hold my breath. Time will tell. So will actions.
11. Every day I am here, I feel like I am in Office Space. The only things missing are tetris, Chee-tos and The Bobs. Yeah. That's it.
12. The Czarina just called me. She can't find her emerald earrings or her engagement ring. This is not good. She has never ever lost anything--she's not like that at all. Her jewelry stays locked most of the time. She never puts her engagement ring anywhere other than her jewelry drawer--no exceptions in 30 years. And she hasn't worn those emerald earrings in years, so she hasn't been taking them out of the drawer or anything. She's freaking out. And now I am too. I'm sure they will turn up.
13. What is up with people not notifying me about jobs? Since the beginning of June, I have applied for 3 part time jobs and one full time job. NONE of them have let me know whether the positions have been filled. How rude.
14. Tomorrow I have to go to this technology workshop thing-a-ma-jiggie. I'll be there most of the day. It will be nice to have a change of scenery.
15. I might not need to get a part-time job. Starting next month, my (tiny) raise will kick in, and it should be enough to help me build up my cushion again. Combined with a couple of months of paying just the minimum on my Visa and the fact that I don't have to pay the loan anymore and I think I'm ok. Whew!
16. As I type this, there is a letter headed for my house. It is from Lady Starfish. She told me that some random lady came into her place of employment. The lady had a photo of her single, adult son, and she is looking to fix him up. Since she has a boyfriend and I am newly single (technically speaking), she is forwarding the photo to me. I know her--I can only imagine how awful this photo is. And I'm sure she has included some hilarious note listing all of this wonderful bachelor's hobbies and traits. She is getting even with me.
You see, about two years ago, she was talking to her ex-husband. Despite the divorce, they are good friends, but I still love to tease her that they will get re-married. When this was going on, I decided to sign her up for every wedding and bridal website in America. I sent out her address and phone number to every major store, so she could get on their registry list. I think I even actually set up the registry at Wal-Mart. Anyway, she got emails, letters, phone calls, free samples and magazines for months. And she was single. I thought this was hilarious, but she just got annoyed. I'm sure it's payback time.
17. Oh! It's 4:30! Time to go home! Until tomorrow, guys....
1. Something is seriously wrong with my electricity bill. An 800 sq. ft. apartment should never have a $165 bill. I don't care how hot it is. So we are getting someone to look at our AC. I don't think it knows when to shut off, because we will set it at 75 degrees, but it won't stop cooling until we turn into human popsicles and shut it off manually.
2. So far, I have eaten pretty healthy food today. Except for some lemon cookies...but that's ok. Baby steps. Perfection isn't the goal anyway. I have not had any cigarettes in almost 48 hours. Go me.
3. I had a super duper fun weekend. I hung out with K and Matilda Jane, who I just adore to pieces. I finally have a friend whose shoes I can borrow! Our feet are (almost) the same size. And I like her taste. She is the coolest. We are both glad to meet another girl who is not bitchy or boring. Hooray for new gal pals!
4. My other blog is seriously dying. Must post recipes!
5. If there is no diet coke in the afterlife, I'm really not interested in going there. I am on such a huge kick--I drink a liter a day lately! I also cannot stop eating peanut butter or anything fruity. Does anyone else get temporary food addictions? Because right now I have 4 bags of frozen fruit, 2 boxes of popsicles, some watermelon, bananas, nectarines, two bottles of juice and an apple in my fridge. And two jars of peanut butter.
6. I can't stop buying jewelry. Another temporary kick. Sometimes it's makeup, sometimes it's shoes. Lately it's jewelry. Four pairs of earrings, two necklaces...I should post some pics...I have noticed that I buy jewelry when my love life is topsy-turvy. I wonder what a psychologist would say.
7. I really need my hair done before my roots get any worse or my ends get any rattier. They are driving me nuts. I'm thinking about going blonder....and cheating on J, my ultra-expensive hairdresser for the past 3 years. I love him, but I am not made of money.
8. K's birthday is coming up. I've already gotten her the bestest birthday present ever, because I have been taking careful notes. Now we just have to work out the details for her party on Saturday. Should we have it at home or get everyone to meet up at a bar? Hmmm...
9. If Sammy gets any cuter, I am afraid I might have to eat him up. My baby talk to him is getting so bad, I got on my own nerves today. Ewww. I need to stop.
10. Um...ok, confession time. I have been talking to and seeing Repo. About once a week. Things are....complicated. Yet wonderful. He is being wonderful. Giving him some time and space to let him work on his life has turned him into Mr. Awesome ExBoyfriend. WTF? Where was this guy when we were dating?? Anyway, he seems to really want to try hard to make me happy, which isn't a bad thing...but I'm too scared to hold my breath. Time will tell. So will actions.
11. Every day I am here, I feel like I am in Office Space. The only things missing are tetris, Chee-tos and The Bobs. Yeah. That's it.
12. The Czarina just called me. She can't find her emerald earrings or her engagement ring. This is not good. She has never ever lost anything--she's not like that at all. Her jewelry stays locked most of the time. She never puts her engagement ring anywhere other than her jewelry drawer--no exceptions in 30 years. And she hasn't worn those emerald earrings in years, so she hasn't been taking them out of the drawer or anything. She's freaking out. And now I am too. I'm sure they will turn up.
13. What is up with people not notifying me about jobs? Since the beginning of June, I have applied for 3 part time jobs and one full time job. NONE of them have let me know whether the positions have been filled. How rude.
14. Tomorrow I have to go to this technology workshop thing-a-ma-jiggie. I'll be there most of the day. It will be nice to have a change of scenery.
15. I might not need to get a part-time job. Starting next month, my (tiny) raise will kick in, and it should be enough to help me build up my cushion again. Combined with a couple of months of paying just the minimum on my Visa and the fact that I don't have to pay the loan anymore and I think I'm ok. Whew!
16. As I type this, there is a letter headed for my house. It is from Lady Starfish. She told me that some random lady came into her place of employment. The lady had a photo of her single, adult son, and she is looking to fix him up. Since she has a boyfriend and I am newly single (technically speaking), she is forwarding the photo to me. I know her--I can only imagine how awful this photo is. And I'm sure she has included some hilarious note listing all of this wonderful bachelor's hobbies and traits. She is getting even with me.
You see, about two years ago, she was talking to her ex-husband. Despite the divorce, they are good friends, but I still love to tease her that they will get re-married. When this was going on, I decided to sign her up for every wedding and bridal website in America. I sent out her address and phone number to every major store, so she could get on their registry list. I think I even actually set up the registry at Wal-Mart. Anyway, she got emails, letters, phone calls, free samples and magazines for months. And she was single. I thought this was hilarious, but she just got annoyed. I'm sure it's payback time.
17. Oh! It's 4:30! Time to go home! Until tomorrow, guys....
Friday, June 09, 2006
Vacation!
It's all I ever wanted. I have to get away.
...or not.
I am broke. Which means my vacation will be spent on my couch or filling out job applications. Fun times.
But that's ok. It gives me time to do stuff like this:
--organize my closet/files
--find a used desk (hello, yard sales!)
--hang up pictures
--go to the art museum (I have lived here 4 years and still haven't been!)
--sleep in
--read a lot of books
--cook
--watch some movies
--hit the gym
--catch up on some blogs
--mess with my pictures/scrapbook
--take lots of long walks with Sammy
--catch the sales at the mall (without money...this is challenging...)
--find a part-time job (I was going to donate plasma until I learned that it is painful. Dang! Back to the drawing board!)
I have thought about going to visit The Czarina, but I'm already planning a trip at the end of the month. Plus, there's never any good food at her house and it's impossible to sleep in there. There is also this little thing...I am kind of annoyed with her right now. I will post about it later. It's a long story. But every girl's mom drives her nuts, right? I'm sure you understand. However...there is a chance she would take me shopping....hmmmm...
I could also check out last-minute deals on travel sites...or visit nearby friends, like Charleston Guy...or hit the beach for the day....we will see.
I've been trying to line up something with Lady Starfish. But she's busy with the Covered Bridge Festival held this weekend in her hometown. Features of this 40th annual event include:
--"toe-tapping" music, featuring The Incahoots Dance team and the Trailblazer Cloggers (I myself would actually like to go to Bluegrass Night.)
--The Mr. and Little Miss Hillbilly contest
--free fishing for the kids
If you go, you'll see Lady Starfish, representing her bank. She will be making the rounds, accompanied by a guy dressed up as a giant $100 bill. Very cool way to spend the weekend.
You gotta love Small Town America. There are festivals like this all over the rural south, y'all. Just in SC alone we have the following:
Peach Festival
Okra Strut
Poultry Festival
Grits Festival
Cooter Fest (Sorry, I have no idea what that is)
Albino Skunk Bluegrass Festival
Watermelon Festival (2)
Sweet Potato Festival (2)
Oyster Festival (2)
Maize Days
Gopher Hill Festival
The Cotton Crawl
Shrimp Festival (2)
Coastal Cajun Festival
BBQ/Shag Festival
Chitlin' Strut
Farm Festival
Pumpkin Festival
Azalea Festival
Whew! That's a lot. I guess we just love our agriculture down here. There's always yummy food at all of these, btw. Ever had fried okra? Don't knock it 'til ya try it.
Actually, I might be able to hook up with Lady Starfish next weekend. *crosses fingers*
In other news...Repo's roommate is now the current abscess victim. No joke. You are next. He's out to infect the world, I am telling you.
I have a splitting headache. It's because I made the oh-so-intelligent decision to skip my morning coffee all week, and now my caffeine-addicted blood vessels are throbbing in retaliation. Nothing seems to make this go away--caffeine, Excedrin, sleep, nothing. It's almost as bad as a migraine.
Since I don't feel well, I will be giving Sammy a bath, reading my book, watching my favorite ghost show on the Travel Channel and going to bed early. Woo-hoo! What an exciting vacation! Man, I am getting old.
I will try to post next week, but I can't make any promises! Have a great weekend everyone. Oh, and here is a great Fun Friday link for you. I got it from Gypsy. This may be the most hilarious thing I've ever read. I will definitely keep an eye on this blogger.
...or not.
I am broke. Which means my vacation will be spent on my couch or filling out job applications. Fun times.
But that's ok. It gives me time to do stuff like this:
--organize my closet/files
--find a used desk (hello, yard sales!)
--hang up pictures
--go to the art museum (I have lived here 4 years and still haven't been!)
--sleep in
--read a lot of books
--cook
--watch some movies
--hit the gym
--catch up on some blogs
--mess with my pictures/scrapbook
--take lots of long walks with Sammy
--catch the sales at the mall (without money...this is challenging...)
--find a part-time job (I was going to donate plasma until I learned that it is painful. Dang! Back to the drawing board!)
I have thought about going to visit The Czarina, but I'm already planning a trip at the end of the month. Plus, there's never any good food at her house and it's impossible to sleep in there. There is also this little thing...I am kind of annoyed with her right now. I will post about it later. It's a long story. But every girl's mom drives her nuts, right? I'm sure you understand. However...there is a chance she would take me shopping....hmmmm...
I could also check out last-minute deals on travel sites...or visit nearby friends, like Charleston Guy...or hit the beach for the day....we will see.
I've been trying to line up something with Lady Starfish. But she's busy with the Covered Bridge Festival held this weekend in her hometown. Features of this 40th annual event include:
--"toe-tapping" music, featuring The Incahoots Dance team and the Trailblazer Cloggers (I myself would actually like to go to Bluegrass Night.)
--The Mr. and Little Miss Hillbilly contest
--free fishing for the kids
If you go, you'll see Lady Starfish, representing her bank. She will be making the rounds, accompanied by a guy dressed up as a giant $100 bill. Very cool way to spend the weekend.
You gotta love Small Town America. There are festivals like this all over the rural south, y'all. Just in SC alone we have the following:
Peach Festival
Okra Strut
Poultry Festival
Grits Festival
Cooter Fest (Sorry, I have no idea what that is)
Albino Skunk Bluegrass Festival
Watermelon Festival (2)
Sweet Potato Festival (2)
Oyster Festival (2)
Maize Days
Gopher Hill Festival
The Cotton Crawl
Shrimp Festival (2)
Coastal Cajun Festival
BBQ/Shag Festival
Chitlin' Strut
Farm Festival
Pumpkin Festival
Azalea Festival
Whew! That's a lot. I guess we just love our agriculture down here. There's always yummy food at all of these, btw. Ever had fried okra? Don't knock it 'til ya try it.
Actually, I might be able to hook up with Lady Starfish next weekend. *crosses fingers*
In other news...Repo's roommate is now the current abscess victim. No joke. You are next. He's out to infect the world, I am telling you.
I have a splitting headache. It's because I made the oh-so-intelligent decision to skip my morning coffee all week, and now my caffeine-addicted blood vessels are throbbing in retaliation. Nothing seems to make this go away--caffeine, Excedrin, sleep, nothing. It's almost as bad as a migraine.
Since I don't feel well, I will be giving Sammy a bath, reading my book, watching my favorite ghost show on the Travel Channel and going to bed early. Woo-hoo! What an exciting vacation! Man, I am getting old.
I will try to post next week, but I can't make any promises! Have a great weekend everyone. Oh, and here is a great Fun Friday link for you. I got it from Gypsy. This may be the most hilarious thing I've ever read. I will definitely keep an eye on this blogger.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Lady Starfish Goes Camping
Another guest post. LS went camping this past weekend. That is like Yours Truly going camping. We are Indoor Girls. We don't really do hard core outdoor adventures. Unless someone drags us. Lady Starfish's boyfriend, J, suckered her into this misery last weekend...
"I know how much you love lists so I thought I would break down my vacation into a list for you!
87,000 – The number of miles it felt like I traveled to get to this camping spot. We went to Smithfield, Virginia. Actually, I got off work at six p.m. and we left a.s.a.p. We then drove three and a half hours to Martinsville, Virginia (where his parents live). We arrived there around 11:00 p.m. Then we got in the R.V. and took off along with his parents. We arrived at our destination at five a.m.
43 – The number of mosquito bites I received from sitting outside near a river where mosquitoes migrate. They are all over me. I have one on my knee that somehow blistered. It is gross. They covered J as well.
19 – The number of gallons I sweated this weekend due to extremely humid temperatures and the fact that the air conditioning broke in the RV on Saturday. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was 135 degrees outside….in the shade. I swear my clothes fit looser since I came back due to how much I have sweated. I think I am permanently dehydrated. HA!
60 – The number of hours it felt that I slept this weekend. There was literally nothing to do there. It wasn’t even a campground. It was a dock in the middle of no where. There were two other couples besides us. They consisted of a 60 year old couple who were the funniest older people ever. And a forty year old couple that was nice but the wife was weird. I think she had an eating disorder. She refused to eat. Whatever. I helped myself to multiple portions of food at every meal.
155 – The number of degrees it felt like it was inside the RV. The air conditioning worked Saturday night for a while but then stopped. C (J’s dad) had it working for a short time on Sunday but it died again 20 minutes later. We were so hot and miserable on Sunday afternoon that we decided to go ahead and go back to J’s mom and step-dad’s house. That included the 4 hour trip with no air conditioning.
1 – The number of tickets we got on the way back. A state trooper gave C&C (the rents) a ticket because they forgot to get their inspection sticker updated….oops. Public Service Announcement from VB: Do NOT mess with Virginia State Troopers. They are assholes. You cannot--I repeat--cannot get out of tickets with these guys. So never ever ever speed in Virginia. And make sure your decals are all squared away before driving there.
53 million – The number of times I was annoyed with J this weekend. He got on this kick that he wanted me to go fishing with him. I had told him all week that I had no desire to go. So then of course he takes me to Wal-Mart to the gun and tackle department to get me a fishing license. Cecil – the weird Christian guy who waited on us – asked me how many days I wanted to have it. I asked him if I could just have a license by the hour. That should tell you that I don’t want to go. J pesters me continuously about it anyway. I agree to go out on the dock with him to fish on Saturday night. I was thinking, ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if I came out here and caught some huge fish and everyone would be so impressed? That would be the best.’ Instead – the first time I throw the rod out, I end up breaking the reel. I messed up something that had to do the fishing line getting caught in the reel. Oh well.
1 – Number of disgusting smells that I had to smell. They use some sort of “bloody innards” to fish with. It was in a bowl and you had to get it out with a spoon. It stunk and when I say stunk, I mean RANK. Combine that smell with Off Mosquito Repellant, sunscreen and lake water and you have J.
3 – Number of cool boats I got to see while I was there. And just ask me what boats they were??? It was the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. Have you ever seen them? I am guessing since you are a historian and from Virginia you probably have. They were so cool! It was unbelievable how small they were considering they sailed across the ocean. Which leads me to the next thing I saw…..
1 – The number of snakes I saw while I was there. While we were sitting in the boat looking at Christopher Columbus’ ships, a Water Moccasin swam up to us. It was creepy and gross. But oddly enough, not marinating in tomato sauce. By the way, what is up with your beyond weird dream? That has to be the weirdest dream I have ever heard. First off, I love it that you are behind the deli counter doing your shopping. Then why are you being pressured into eating free samples from the deli worker? It is like you were at a deli from the underworld!
613 bazillion – The number of stupid jokes J had this weekend. He started the new saying, “Why don’t you come over here and give me some sloppy in my mouth” – meaning a kiss. How sweet, huh? He also told me that my breath smelled like a yeast infection. Here are some more fun jokes with J:
We were lying in the bedroom in the RV on the way back home with the windows open and he turns to me and says, “You remind me of the girl in the Exorcist” It was pretty clever because we were lying in a room that was moving and the curtains were blowing everywhere and I was lying on a bed. I told him he reminded me of the priest.
Last weekend we saw the stupid movie “See no Evil”. It is really dumb. Anyway, the guy that kills everybody was always taking his finger and running it down girls’ faces to their chests. J and I thought this was hilarious. So he started re-enacting that part of the movie. Now it is played and just gets on my nerves. So he did that about 3 billion times.
Also, I started saying, “Cee—YA!” when we would get off the phone instead of “I love you.” So now he says it ALL the time. I am so sick of hearing Cee--YA!. He said that about 13 trillion times this weekend.
And he has this stupid new way he kisses me. He looks at me so over-intently that it is weird. Then he slowly takes his hands and runs them through my hair and holds on to it and pulls me toward him. It is just stupid. Then he laughs hysterically about how funny it is. He realizes it is weird and that is what he thinks is so funny.
And for some reason he refers to himself as a “party animal”. I don’t know how. We don’t ever go out.
I told him this weekend that no one I have ever dated as ever managed to get on my nerves, except him. And it is the truth. I love him with all of my heart and I wouldn’t break up for anything in this world, but he irritates the living p*ss out of me sometimes.
Well I guess that is it for now. I will try to email you more in a minute."
And then Lady Starfish read my post about my Embarrassing Moment #1 and had this to say:
"I just read your blog regarding your panty adventure. That is so weird because I found an old strapless bra in my car and I put it in J’s backpack hoping it would fall out while he was at school. I then forgot about it. A week and a half later J annoyingly asked me if I planned to get my bra out of his backpack. He said that he kept pulling it out with his books and would have to put it back in his backpack. Maybe it is because he is such a “party animal” that it didn’t bother him!"
Monday, May 22, 2006
Vicodin Lessons: The Return of Anna Nicole Smith
Continuing on with my Adventures in Vicodin:
Anecdote #1:
I "drug-dialed" Lady Starfish before she knew what was wrong with my butt. I left a message on her voicemail. It scared the crap out of her. This is how my message went:
"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaam's!!!" [Remember, that is the nickname we have for each other.]
"Whas-up.....I am on Vicodin and issa good time.....Anyway.... [Insert 2 minute pause here. Yeah, she said it was dead silence. Apparently I totally lost my train of thought.] .......ummmm.....jus call me back so I can tell you why I am on sedated drugs....[Insert massive sigh here.] Aaaaaaaaaaaah....my ass hurts. Call me back. Bye."
I only vaguely remember leaving this message. The lesson? Vidodin is fun.
Anecdote #2-- Last Saturday was yet another doctor's visit. Gotta stuff new gauze into the gaping hole on my ass, you know. At the doctor's office where I go, there are two doctors: Dr. Awesome and Dr. Butcher. Only one works per shift. Their names are directly related to the amount of physical pain they put me through. Based on my calculations, I was due to get Dr. Butcher. Remember, he is the one who made me cry I was in so much pain. It was like what I imagine torture to be. In anticipation of a repeat of my last visit with Dr. Butcher, I decided it would be a good idea to take a little extra Vicodin, just to ease off the pain a little better. So instead of taking one pill, I took one and a half. (Before you freak out and think I'm a drug addict, the docs said I can take up to two at a time.)
When Repo came to pick me up to take me to the doctor, I wuzzzz.....feelin'.....pretty good. I announced to him how much I had taken. He thought that it was a bad idea on my part. I slurringly begged to differ. I was rockin'!
For about an hour. By the time I was in the waiting room, it was Nausea City. They called my name to come to the back, and I looked up at them in my narcotically-induced stupor and informed them that they would have to wait because before I could go anywhere, I had to barf. I think my exact words were, "Ok, hold on. I gotta barf." Then I grabbed the trashcan and hurled into it. Twice. I got most of it into the trashcan. Some of it got on the floor. I thought this was pretty good, considering I would have been unable to spell my name at that point. Then I apologized to everyone. Twice.
Then I felt fine. And luckily (!) it didn't kill my buzz. Suh-weet. The Lesson? One Vicodin good. One and a half bad.
Anecdote #3:
So after my weekly torture with Dr. Butcher, I ask (again, slurringly) about my lab results--what kind of bacterial infection are we looking at, Doc? So he goes to get my lab results. I lay there, ass out for the world to see, buzzing...well, buzzing my ass off.
Dr. Butcher comes back in a few minutes with a grim look on his face. I knew it was bad news. F--k, I thought in my drug-soaked brain, I have an incurable flesh-eating bacteria attacking my ass and the whole thing will fall off....wait....that might be a good thing. Size 6 here I come!
And then I realized he was talking and I hadn't heard anything he'd been saying. But I got the tail end of it: The nurse who had filled out the paperwork for my lab test did so incorrectly and they didn't test it for what they were supposed to test it for. Bottom line? They threw out my ass-swab and now we will never know what kind of bacteria I have. Dr. Butcher was looking at me like he expected me to grab a scalpel and stab him 347 times so he could bleed to death slowly and painfully. Or sue the crap out of him.
Dr. Butcher doesn't understand Vicodin very well.
"Oh. That'ssss okay.... Mistakes happen. I'm sorry I barfed." I replied.
The lesson? When you have bad news to tell patients, tell them when they are hopped up on pills.
Anecdote #4: After some more questions about my medical condition and a new prescription from Dr. Butcher, Repo comes to pick me up. He begs me not to be like last time. He also wants to make sure I'm ok since I barfed (aww.).
Apparently, the last time he picked me up, I would not. stop. talking. He said it was like being with a little kid. I asked questions constantly and kept telling these pointless stories to everyone within 5 feet of me as I stumbled and slurred. These stories included: the benefits of ginger to cure nausea and motion sickness, how a tree fell down and smushed a car in Repo's neighborhood, how the people who owned the tree will probably be sued, how much I love a particular chain of grocery stores here in Columbia, how hard it is for me to find the ginger ale in the drug store, how nauseated I am, how constipated I am, how much it annoys me that Repo drinks all my diet cokes, how much I love my dog Sammy because he doesn't care how I act when I'm on painkillers, how awesome Vicodin is, what I wanted to eat for dinner, what I wanted to do with Repo alone in my room....you get the idea. I also debated with Repo about the level of my voice. He says I was yelling the whole time, I slurringly beg to differ. Basically, I had no internal dialogue. It was just verbal spewage of the worst kind. And I started in the car, continued in the drug store and kept talking for another hour or so when I got home. Everyone around me was either annoyed, scared or laughing at me. It was a good time.
The lesson? Vicodin f--ks me up.
Anecdote #5:
A little-known side effect of Vicodin (for me, at least) is bizarre dreams. I had one the other night. This is how it went: I'm in the grocery store, in the deli. I'm a customer, yet I'm standing behind the counter. The deli people are trying to get me to eat a sandwich, in a peer-pressure kind of way:
Deli Guy: Do you like seafood?
Me: Um, yeah, some of it.
Deli Guy: Just try the sandwich. You'll like it.
I take a bite of sandwich, exclaim that he is right. It's pretty yummy. I take a couple more bites. Then I take a good look at my sandwich. I am eating a squid sandwich. There are big slices of squid all in my sandwich, complete with eyeballs slices and tentacle slices. The squid were sliced lengthwise. Then there was something else in there. I peeled back the bread to reveal: a gigantic spider, marinated in herbs and olive oil. Don't ask me how I knew this. I just knew it was marinated, ok?
Of course, this is disgusting, even to Vicodin-dream VB, so I chuck it into the trashcan. Oh, but wait. What is already in the trashcan? Snakes. Big, black, slimy snakes. Tons of 'em. Why are they slimy, you ask? Because they have been marinating in tomato sauce. So they are all slithering around. Ew ew ew.
[Side note and VB trivia: I have dreams about snakes all the time. Remind me to tell you about the one I had when I was in kindergarten. Don't know what this means, but I'm too scared to look it up.]
I had another dream. I was at a Halloween party, hosted by a hot guy. Good, so far, right? Well, I was already checking him out when I realized that he was also making yummy treats as he was hosting the party! And all the treats were really yummy, unlike my last dream. There were little candies on all of these homemade goodies. So I began to hit on him. I don't remember what happened next, but all I know is that somehow this dream morphed into a third dream where a large group of my friends were camping with me and Sammy and we kept getting separated and lost. But the forest was so pretty, I didn't care. Plus, I had Sammy with me. Hard to be scared when you have your dog with you.
[Side note and VB Trivia: I hate camping. I'd rather eat the squid sandwich.]
The lesson? Vicodin = weird dreams
Well folks, I gotta go. Today I have to go to the doctor (again). That means I have to get going before my Vicodin kicks in. My arms are already getting tingly and it's hard for me to focus on typing this. Stay tuned for more Adventures with Vicodin. I'll be back with more stories, I am sure.
Also, I have to tell you about The Return of Jessica Simpson. But that takes a lot more clear-headedness than I have right now.
Anecdote #1:
I "drug-dialed" Lady Starfish before she knew what was wrong with my butt. I left a message on her voicemail. It scared the crap out of her. This is how my message went:
"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaam's!!!" [Remember, that is the nickname we have for each other.]
"Whas-up.....I am on Vicodin and issa good time.....Anyway.... [Insert 2 minute pause here. Yeah, she said it was dead silence. Apparently I totally lost my train of thought.] .......ummmm.....jus call me back so I can tell you why I am on sedated drugs....[Insert massive sigh here.] Aaaaaaaaaaaah....my ass hurts. Call me back. Bye."
I only vaguely remember leaving this message. The lesson? Vidodin is fun.
Anecdote #2-- Last Saturday was yet another doctor's visit. Gotta stuff new gauze into the gaping hole on my ass, you know. At the doctor's office where I go, there are two doctors: Dr. Awesome and Dr. Butcher. Only one works per shift. Their names are directly related to the amount of physical pain they put me through. Based on my calculations, I was due to get Dr. Butcher. Remember, he is the one who made me cry I was in so much pain. It was like what I imagine torture to be. In anticipation of a repeat of my last visit with Dr. Butcher, I decided it would be a good idea to take a little extra Vicodin, just to ease off the pain a little better. So instead of taking one pill, I took one and a half. (Before you freak out and think I'm a drug addict, the docs said I can take up to two at a time.)
When Repo came to pick me up to take me to the doctor, I wuzzzz.....feelin'.....pretty good. I announced to him how much I had taken. He thought that it was a bad idea on my part. I slurringly begged to differ. I was rockin'!
For about an hour. By the time I was in the waiting room, it was Nausea City. They called my name to come to the back, and I looked up at them in my narcotically-induced stupor and informed them that they would have to wait because before I could go anywhere, I had to barf. I think my exact words were, "Ok, hold on. I gotta barf." Then I grabbed the trashcan and hurled into it. Twice. I got most of it into the trashcan. Some of it got on the floor. I thought this was pretty good, considering I would have been unable to spell my name at that point. Then I apologized to everyone. Twice.
Then I felt fine. And luckily (!) it didn't kill my buzz. Suh-weet. The Lesson? One Vicodin good. One and a half bad.
Anecdote #3:
So after my weekly torture with Dr. Butcher, I ask (again, slurringly) about my lab results--what kind of bacterial infection are we looking at, Doc? So he goes to get my lab results. I lay there, ass out for the world to see, buzzing...well, buzzing my ass off.
Dr. Butcher comes back in a few minutes with a grim look on his face. I knew it was bad news. F--k, I thought in my drug-soaked brain, I have an incurable flesh-eating bacteria attacking my ass and the whole thing will fall off....wait....that might be a good thing. Size 6 here I come!
And then I realized he was talking and I hadn't heard anything he'd been saying. But I got the tail end of it: The nurse who had filled out the paperwork for my lab test did so incorrectly and they didn't test it for what they were supposed to test it for. Bottom line? They threw out my ass-swab and now we will never know what kind of bacteria I have. Dr. Butcher was looking at me like he expected me to grab a scalpel and stab him 347 times so he could bleed to death slowly and painfully. Or sue the crap out of him.
Dr. Butcher doesn't understand Vicodin very well.
"Oh. That'ssss okay.... Mistakes happen. I'm sorry I barfed." I replied.
The lesson? When you have bad news to tell patients, tell them when they are hopped up on pills.
Anecdote #4: After some more questions about my medical condition and a new prescription from Dr. Butcher, Repo comes to pick me up. He begs me not to be like last time. He also wants to make sure I'm ok since I barfed (aww.).
Apparently, the last time he picked me up, I would not. stop. talking. He said it was like being with a little kid. I asked questions constantly and kept telling these pointless stories to everyone within 5 feet of me as I stumbled and slurred. These stories included: the benefits of ginger to cure nausea and motion sickness, how a tree fell down and smushed a car in Repo's neighborhood, how the people who owned the tree will probably be sued, how much I love a particular chain of grocery stores here in Columbia, how hard it is for me to find the ginger ale in the drug store, how nauseated I am, how constipated I am, how much it annoys me that Repo drinks all my diet cokes, how much I love my dog Sammy because he doesn't care how I act when I'm on painkillers, how awesome Vicodin is, what I wanted to eat for dinner, what I wanted to do with Repo alone in my room....you get the idea. I also debated with Repo about the level of my voice. He says I was yelling the whole time, I slurringly beg to differ. Basically, I had no internal dialogue. It was just verbal spewage of the worst kind. And I started in the car, continued in the drug store and kept talking for another hour or so when I got home. Everyone around me was either annoyed, scared or laughing at me. It was a good time.
The lesson? Vicodin f--ks me up.
Anecdote #5:
A little-known side effect of Vicodin (for me, at least) is bizarre dreams. I had one the other night. This is how it went: I'm in the grocery store, in the deli. I'm a customer, yet I'm standing behind the counter. The deli people are trying to get me to eat a sandwich, in a peer-pressure kind of way:
Deli Guy: Do you like seafood?
Me: Um, yeah, some of it.
Deli Guy: Just try the sandwich. You'll like it.
I take a bite of sandwich, exclaim that he is right. It's pretty yummy. I take a couple more bites. Then I take a good look at my sandwich. I am eating a squid sandwich. There are big slices of squid all in my sandwich, complete with eyeballs slices and tentacle slices. The squid were sliced lengthwise. Then there was something else in there. I peeled back the bread to reveal: a gigantic spider, marinated in herbs and olive oil. Don't ask me how I knew this. I just knew it was marinated, ok?
Of course, this is disgusting, even to Vicodin-dream VB, so I chuck it into the trashcan. Oh, but wait. What is already in the trashcan? Snakes. Big, black, slimy snakes. Tons of 'em. Why are they slimy, you ask? Because they have been marinating in tomato sauce. So they are all slithering around. Ew ew ew.
[Side note and VB trivia: I have dreams about snakes all the time. Remind me to tell you about the one I had when I was in kindergarten. Don't know what this means, but I'm too scared to look it up.]
I had another dream. I was at a Halloween party, hosted by a hot guy. Good, so far, right? Well, I was already checking him out when I realized that he was also making yummy treats as he was hosting the party! And all the treats were really yummy, unlike my last dream. There were little candies on all of these homemade goodies. So I began to hit on him. I don't remember what happened next, but all I know is that somehow this dream morphed into a third dream where a large group of my friends were camping with me and Sammy and we kept getting separated and lost. But the forest was so pretty, I didn't care. Plus, I had Sammy with me. Hard to be scared when you have your dog with you.
[Side note and VB Trivia: I hate camping. I'd rather eat the squid sandwich.]
The lesson? Vicodin = weird dreams
Well folks, I gotta go. Today I have to go to the doctor (again). That means I have to get going before my Vicodin kicks in. My arms are already getting tingly and it's hard for me to focus on typing this. Stay tuned for more Adventures with Vicodin. I'll be back with more stories, I am sure.
Also, I have to tell you about The Return of Jessica Simpson. But that takes a lot more clear-headedness than I have right now.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Guest Columnist
Greetings, readers! About two weeks ago, Lady Starfish attended a wedding. It was held in a tattoo parlor. Yes, a tattoo parlor. This business establishment is owned by the mother of the bride. I was waiting on pins and needles to hear how this kind of wedding works, because it is just too unbelievable. She emailed me her review of the festivities a few days ago.
With her permission, she has allowed me to relay it to you here, under the following conditions: all identifying details will be removed from the story and I have to promise her that y'all won't think she (or her family, for that matter) is some kind of a redneck for even going to this kind of wedding. Promise? Okay. So no trailer jokes. (No, she doesn't live in a trailer.) Oh, and FYI: J is Lady Starfish's boyfriend.
Her email:
I am going to send you some pictures from the wedding. There is so much to talk about regarding that. It was actually a really sweet wedding and I cried. I don’t know why….it just seemed very personal…….maybe because we were crowded into a tiny tattoo parlor surrounded by people with piercings, mo-hawks and sleeved arms. So we go into the parlor – and this is one of my favorite parts – the guest book is right under all the pictures of the naked ladies people can choose to have tattooed. It was a guest book complete with matching pen. The bride walked out to “She’s my Cherry Pie” by Warrant.” Why? I don’t know. I think it is their song. I just don’t know. The bride was in full garb. The dress was strapless which accentuated her sleeved left shoulder. Luckily she took out her piercings, i.e. lip, nose, etc. Her mom was COVERED in tattoos. I mean covered. The guests were an arrangement of older normal looking family members to young punk likes with those big black earrings, lip and nose rings with funky old clothes. Pretty much everyone looked like they belonged in a Linkin Park video. Another classy moment was after the pictures were taken, the bride had to have a smoke. Nothing says class like a young bride with stringy hair smoking a cigarette in a wedding dress. I wanted a picture of that but I was out of film by then. I did get a picture of her dad getting his long ratty grey hair braided as he sat in a seat right before the wedding – the hair matched his long ratty grey beard that resembled an old ZZ Top member. Did I mention he had ONE tooth? She seemed to really love her dad, so that cancelled out all the weirdness. In the pictures you will get to see what I am looking like these days – chubby with hair I hate – and what J looks like. He dressed in a pastel green shirt and khaki pants. He didn’t go well with the wedding party. So after the wedding we have a reception at my brother’s house. Have you ever felt like you were at a party and no one would notice if you left…….and never came back? That is how we felt.
Let me back track. We didn’t get to leave City X until 10:30 p.m. on Saturday night because J didn’t get off work until then. So we ended up making excellent time to getting to my brother’s town.
Once we get into the town, we get sooooooooooooooooo lost. We stopped at 3 different gas stations. At one we witnessed a four and a half foot girl get into a screaming match with a seven foot guy outside of one the gas stations. They stopped the fight in order to buy beer before the cutoff of three a.m. That was neat and scary. So 40 minutes later we finally figure out how to get to my brother’s. Keep in mind that they are in central time. It was 3:40 a.m. but really 4:40 a.m. to us. We get to my brother’s and everyone is awake. We didn’t call because we thought everyone would be asleep. Oh well. So we don’t get into bed until around 4:30 a.m. their time.
We have to get up the next morning around 10:00– there are 10 people staying in the house including us. Can anyone say “Where do I get ready?” We had our own room, but we all had to take showers, iron, etc. In the midst, no one offered us ANY food or ANYTHING to drink. So J and I each ate one of my mom’s chocolate chip cookies I had brought. So we go to the wedding and the back to the reception. By this time it is like 4:00 p.m. and all they have is finger foods. J and I were STARVING.
In the meantime I saw my niece for the first time in 10 years. She has since had a child (he is eight) and just got married to some guy that she met in November. My family is so redneck it is embarrassing. It was nice to see her and we totally get along, but she is one of these people that are just full of crap. Apparently her ex-boyfriend (who is 14 years older than her – she is 26) held her hostage and raped her and now he is in prison. I was like what? I don’t know. And then, if all of this happened why would you go off and marry a guy only after knowing him for 3 months? Because “you just know it’s right” and “you know in your heart” that “he’s the one.” Right….. So after listening to this long, creepy and odd story – and being tired of saying “Oh wow. You seem like you are doing okay now. And I am so happy you found someone who is treating you good.” - I couldn’t take it.
J and I left and found a McDonalds. We then ate our food in 3.6 seconds and the got an apple pie each and devoured it. So 3 minutes later (including eating and drive time) we just sat there in the restaurant taking up time so that we didn’t have to go back. The house was literally packed to the gills with people I didn’t know. So we drove around and called my parents and I vented to them. So we go back and it had kind of settled down. Keep in mind that my family is - for some reason – not overly friendly. No one really went out of their way to talk to us – except the groom and my crazy niece. So we still felt like outsiders. I am still perplexed how no one was hungry and it was like 5:30 p.m. Who goes all day with out one meal?
Okay so now is where is gets weird. Let me explain my family. My brother married S 10 years ago. This is her third marriage. She has two sons. Each from a different marriage. T is the oldest (my age) – he was married and has two daughters. He is now gay. And quite a whore from the stories. He doesn’t act gay and is really good looking – but apparently had a four way with the neighbors. What? I don’t know. Then there is the groom who is in to piercings and tattoos and death metal music – Oh and on a side note…..he and his fiancée both got tattoos the day before the wedding. The groom got a best friend tattoo with his BFF named R. It has a gravestone with the date they met. It has nothing to do with his wife. R got one too that matches. Uh, yeah……..
Also, two of T’s exboyfriends were there. Apparently they are both still in love with him. What it boils down to is T has had so much sex that he is going to end up getting AIDS. He is a great person and doesn’t act gay AT ALL except that he has sex with men. Also S is obsessed with something called “My Space”. I don’t know what it is, but she showed me her website or whatever. I was thinking, ‘you are 50 and married. Why are doing this?’ AND one of T’s exboyfriends was talking about what a whore T was and I asked him what else goes on in this house…..he shut up really quickly and wouldn’t say anything. So I asked if my brother and S were involved in any weird activities. He avoided an answer. J thinks the whole family except for the groom are swingers……and I am thinking it could be true. I am disturbed. All I know is that my parents would DIE if they had been there. I am so the golden child right now.
Love,
Lady Starfish
Ok, now it's me (VB) again. Don't you just love this story??? Like Teahouse Blossom said in her blog the other day--you can't make this stuff up! This is why she needs to get a blog. Stuff like this happens to her all the time. Her family is really sweet and they aren't rednecks, despite what you may be thinking now. But you know how families are--there's always a "weird" branch of the family. They keep everyone else entertained!
I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did. My favorite part is how LS doesn't know about myspace. She kills me. I also love that the bride walks down the "aisle" to Cherry Pie. Classic!
Thanks, LS, for letting me retell this gem of a story. Your emails are so highly anticipated. You don't even know. More! More!
With her permission, she has allowed me to relay it to you here, under the following conditions: all identifying details will be removed from the story and I have to promise her that y'all won't think she (or her family, for that matter) is some kind of a redneck for even going to this kind of wedding. Promise? Okay. So no trailer jokes. (No, she doesn't live in a trailer.) Oh, and FYI: J is Lady Starfish's boyfriend.
Her email:
I am going to send you some pictures from the wedding. There is so much to talk about regarding that. It was actually a really sweet wedding and I cried. I don’t know why….it just seemed very personal…….maybe because we were crowded into a tiny tattoo parlor surrounded by people with piercings, mo-hawks and sleeved arms. So we go into the parlor – and this is one of my favorite parts – the guest book is right under all the pictures of the naked ladies people can choose to have tattooed. It was a guest book complete with matching pen. The bride walked out to “She’s my Cherry Pie” by Warrant.” Why? I don’t know. I think it is their song. I just don’t know. The bride was in full garb. The dress was strapless which accentuated her sleeved left shoulder. Luckily she took out her piercings, i.e. lip, nose, etc. Her mom was COVERED in tattoos. I mean covered. The guests were an arrangement of older normal looking family members to young punk likes with those big black earrings, lip and nose rings with funky old clothes. Pretty much everyone looked like they belonged in a Linkin Park video. Another classy moment was after the pictures were taken, the bride had to have a smoke. Nothing says class like a young bride with stringy hair smoking a cigarette in a wedding dress. I wanted a picture of that but I was out of film by then. I did get a picture of her dad getting his long ratty grey hair braided as he sat in a seat right before the wedding – the hair matched his long ratty grey beard that resembled an old ZZ Top member. Did I mention he had ONE tooth? She seemed to really love her dad, so that cancelled out all the weirdness. In the pictures you will get to see what I am looking like these days – chubby with hair I hate – and what J looks like. He dressed in a pastel green shirt and khaki pants. He didn’t go well with the wedding party. So after the wedding we have a reception at my brother’s house. Have you ever felt like you were at a party and no one would notice if you left…….and never came back? That is how we felt.
Let me back track. We didn’t get to leave City X until 10:30 p.m. on Saturday night because J didn’t get off work until then. So we ended up making excellent time to getting to my brother’s town.
Once we get into the town, we get sooooooooooooooooo lost. We stopped at 3 different gas stations. At one we witnessed a four and a half foot girl get into a screaming match with a seven foot guy outside of one the gas stations. They stopped the fight in order to buy beer before the cutoff of three a.m. That was neat and scary. So 40 minutes later we finally figure out how to get to my brother’s. Keep in mind that they are in central time. It was 3:40 a.m. but really 4:40 a.m. to us. We get to my brother’s and everyone is awake. We didn’t call because we thought everyone would be asleep. Oh well. So we don’t get into bed until around 4:30 a.m. their time.
We have to get up the next morning around 10:00– there are 10 people staying in the house including us. Can anyone say “Where do I get ready?” We had our own room, but we all had to take showers, iron, etc. In the midst, no one offered us ANY food or ANYTHING to drink. So J and I each ate one of my mom’s chocolate chip cookies I had brought. So we go to the wedding and the back to the reception. By this time it is like 4:00 p.m. and all they have is finger foods. J and I were STARVING.
In the meantime I saw my niece for the first time in 10 years. She has since had a child (he is eight) and just got married to some guy that she met in November. My family is so redneck it is embarrassing. It was nice to see her and we totally get along, but she is one of these people that are just full of crap. Apparently her ex-boyfriend (who is 14 years older than her – she is 26) held her hostage and raped her and now he is in prison. I was like what? I don’t know. And then, if all of this happened why would you go off and marry a guy only after knowing him for 3 months? Because “you just know it’s right” and “you know in your heart” that “he’s the one.” Right….. So after listening to this long, creepy and odd story – and being tired of saying “Oh wow. You seem like you are doing okay now. And I am so happy you found someone who is treating you good.” - I couldn’t take it.
J and I left and found a McDonalds. We then ate our food in 3.6 seconds and the got an apple pie each and devoured it. So 3 minutes later (including eating and drive time) we just sat there in the restaurant taking up time so that we didn’t have to go back. The house was literally packed to the gills with people I didn’t know. So we drove around and called my parents and I vented to them. So we go back and it had kind of settled down. Keep in mind that my family is - for some reason – not overly friendly. No one really went out of their way to talk to us – except the groom and my crazy niece. So we still felt like outsiders. I am still perplexed how no one was hungry and it was like 5:30 p.m. Who goes all day with out one meal?
Okay so now is where is gets weird. Let me explain my family. My brother married S 10 years ago. This is her third marriage. She has two sons. Each from a different marriage. T is the oldest (my age) – he was married and has two daughters. He is now gay. And quite a whore from the stories. He doesn’t act gay and is really good looking – but apparently had a four way with the neighbors. What? I don’t know. Then there is the groom who is in to piercings and tattoos and death metal music – Oh and on a side note…..he and his fiancée both got tattoos the day before the wedding. The groom got a best friend tattoo with his BFF named R. It has a gravestone with the date they met. It has nothing to do with his wife. R got one too that matches. Uh, yeah……..
Also, two of T’s exboyfriends were there. Apparently they are both still in love with him. What it boils down to is T has had so much sex that he is going to end up getting AIDS. He is a great person and doesn’t act gay AT ALL except that he has sex with men. Also S is obsessed with something called “My Space”. I don’t know what it is, but she showed me her website or whatever. I was thinking, ‘you are 50 and married. Why are doing this?’ AND one of T’s exboyfriends was talking about what a whore T was and I asked him what else goes on in this house…..he shut up really quickly and wouldn’t say anything. So I asked if my brother and S were involved in any weird activities. He avoided an answer. J thinks the whole family except for the groom are swingers……and I am thinking it could be true. I am disturbed. All I know is that my parents would DIE if they had been there. I am so the golden child right now.
Love,
Lady Starfish
Ok, now it's me (VB) again. Don't you just love this story??? Like Teahouse Blossom said in her blog the other day--you can't make this stuff up! This is why she needs to get a blog. Stuff like this happens to her all the time. Her family is really sweet and they aren't rednecks, despite what you may be thinking now. But you know how families are--there's always a "weird" branch of the family. They keep everyone else entertained!
I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did. My favorite part is how LS doesn't know about myspace. She kills me. I also love that the bride walks down the "aisle" to Cherry Pie. Classic!
Thanks, LS, for letting me retell this gem of a story. Your emails are so highly anticipated. You don't even know. More! More!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Potpourri #2
I have officially cancelled my match.com subscription. *VB bows.* I feel I don't really need it anymore. Also, I've had far too many bad dates from there and life is too short. Plus, I need the $40 per month. I'm broke.
Was just reminded of a conference I'm going to go to in May. Didn't really want to go, and was told it was optional, but I guess someone decided for me. Thank goodness someone thinks for me. Where would I be otherwise? Oh yeah. On my couch watching TV. Or taking a nap. Right.
Someone at work has taken my scissors. It's not like we have a shortage of scissors around here. There are about 43 pairs floating around. We can even get free scissors from the bookstore if we want. But I'm left handed. That means that only 5% of all scissors in the universe will work for me. Plus, these were new and bright blue and looked quite fetching on my desk. I want them back!! Lady Starfish says that when I find them, I should put a label on them that reads: "Steal these and DIE!" or "Know what it feels like to be stabbed with stolen scissors? You will!"
She kills me.
Just in case anyone has noticed, we call each other "Ma'ams." Don't know why. Can't remember how it started. But it stuck. Deal. We are weird like that.
There is this guy I see every day when I'm driving home from work. He's protesting abortion. He holds this big red Stop Abortion sign and has a babydoll strapped to his chest. Hey, this is America. If you want to spend all day long holding up a picket sign with a baby strapped to your chest, that's your prerogative. But the thing I don't understand is, he does this in the SAME spot every day. You'd think that he would realize that he's expressing himself to the SAME people over and over as we all commute home. By now, we've pretty much noticed him and read his sign and flyer. Our minds are made up, so really, he's beating a dead horse. If he's really that dedicated, why isn't he touring Columbia? Or doing something more productive for his cause? Come on, how many babies can you save by doing that? I don't get it. I'm thinking he's senile.
Jennster reminded me of a funny story about my dad, WLF. He used to watch TV late at night. He loved to watch infomercials and buy crap, which irritated The Czarina, who is a huge tightwad. The thing that used to irritate her was that WLF would buy these food gadgets. His philosophy was that every food should have its own gadget. This is retarded, according to The Czarina, whose kitchen was busting at the seams with onion slicers, yogurt makers and tuna can drainers. (Did you even know you can make yogurt at home??) While he meant well, a lot of the stuff he bought was never used or liked. I mean, why dig around for a special tuna drainer when you can just press your fingers on the top of the opened lid? We always made fun of him. Since I understood The Czarina's plight, and I occasionally stayed up late watching TV with him, she put me in charge of stopping these silly purchases. I had to rip the phone out of his hand to stop him from buying a rotisserie chicken cooker, a jerky maker, a food dehydrator and a large deep fryer. It was a battle! He was convinced we all needed a regular supply of dehydrated foods or perfectly sliced potatoes! Yet none of us were ever wandering around the kitchen saying, "Man! I sure could go for some turkey jerky or homemade curly fries!" Seriously, sometimes he lived in some kind of fantasy world. So I had to flex my debating skills big time. How do you convince someone that his children do not desire deep-fried foods at a moment's notice? We would argue for the entire length of the commercial, but when I reminded him of Czarina Wrath, he would cave and hand over the phone sheepishly.
Repo had a job interview today. He said it went really well and I'm stoked. It would be more pay, better benefits, less stress and it's more in-line with his long-term career goals. When I asked him if he would take it if they offered him the position, do you know what he said? "Yeah, but only if the hours don't conflict with USC football games. I've got season tickets." For Pete's sake! You'd think that any job where people don't pull guns on him would be a shoe-in. But I must be underestimating the male love affair that is college football. Does he think women pick jobs whose schedules are based on the sales at the mall? It never fails to amaze me that the male gender is the one running things. Sheesh.
Speaking of jobs, mine has been stressful lately, what with the Parade of Morons that waltzes in here every day. It's the end of the semester, so they are multiplying tenfold. 3/4 of them have never even been to the library before, yet expect me to show them how to do everything, including picking a topic for their term papers. They are getting stressed and antsy because they've been procrastinating or sleeping in class for three months and now have no idea what the F they are doing. This in turn makes them really stupid and annoying. If you see my picture on the 6 o'clock news, you'll know why: I've murdered a college student. With my stolen scissors.
Was just reminded of a conference I'm going to go to in May. Didn't really want to go, and was told it was optional, but I guess someone decided for me. Thank goodness someone thinks for me. Where would I be otherwise? Oh yeah. On my couch watching TV. Or taking a nap. Right.
Someone at work has taken my scissors. It's not like we have a shortage of scissors around here. There are about 43 pairs floating around. We can even get free scissors from the bookstore if we want. But I'm left handed. That means that only 5% of all scissors in the universe will work for me. Plus, these were new and bright blue and looked quite fetching on my desk. I want them back!! Lady Starfish says that when I find them, I should put a label on them that reads: "Steal these and DIE!" or "Know what it feels like to be stabbed with stolen scissors? You will!"
She kills me.
Just in case anyone has noticed, we call each other "Ma'ams." Don't know why. Can't remember how it started. But it stuck. Deal. We are weird like that.
There is this guy I see every day when I'm driving home from work. He's protesting abortion. He holds this big red Stop Abortion sign and has a babydoll strapped to his chest. Hey, this is America. If you want to spend all day long holding up a picket sign with a baby strapped to your chest, that's your prerogative. But the thing I don't understand is, he does this in the SAME spot every day. You'd think that he would realize that he's expressing himself to the SAME people over and over as we all commute home. By now, we've pretty much noticed him and read his sign and flyer. Our minds are made up, so really, he's beating a dead horse. If he's really that dedicated, why isn't he touring Columbia? Or doing something more productive for his cause? Come on, how many babies can you save by doing that? I don't get it. I'm thinking he's senile.
Jennster reminded me of a funny story about my dad, WLF. He used to watch TV late at night. He loved to watch infomercials and buy crap, which irritated The Czarina, who is a huge tightwad. The thing that used to irritate her was that WLF would buy these food gadgets. His philosophy was that every food should have its own gadget. This is retarded, according to The Czarina, whose kitchen was busting at the seams with onion slicers, yogurt makers and tuna can drainers. (Did you even know you can make yogurt at home??) While he meant well, a lot of the stuff he bought was never used or liked. I mean, why dig around for a special tuna drainer when you can just press your fingers on the top of the opened lid? We always made fun of him. Since I understood The Czarina's plight, and I occasionally stayed up late watching TV with him, she put me in charge of stopping these silly purchases. I had to rip the phone out of his hand to stop him from buying a rotisserie chicken cooker, a jerky maker, a food dehydrator and a large deep fryer. It was a battle! He was convinced we all needed a regular supply of dehydrated foods or perfectly sliced potatoes! Yet none of us were ever wandering around the kitchen saying, "Man! I sure could go for some turkey jerky or homemade curly fries!" Seriously, sometimes he lived in some kind of fantasy world. So I had to flex my debating skills big time. How do you convince someone that his children do not desire deep-fried foods at a moment's notice? We would argue for the entire length of the commercial, but when I reminded him of Czarina Wrath, he would cave and hand over the phone sheepishly.
Repo had a job interview today. He said it went really well and I'm stoked. It would be more pay, better benefits, less stress and it's more in-line with his long-term career goals. When I asked him if he would take it if they offered him the position, do you know what he said? "Yeah, but only if the hours don't conflict with USC football games. I've got season tickets." For Pete's sake! You'd think that any job where people don't pull guns on him would be a shoe-in. But I must be underestimating the male love affair that is college football. Does he think women pick jobs whose schedules are based on the sales at the mall? It never fails to amaze me that the male gender is the one running things. Sheesh.
Speaking of jobs, mine has been stressful lately, what with the Parade of Morons that waltzes in here every day. It's the end of the semester, so they are multiplying tenfold. 3/4 of them have never even been to the library before, yet expect me to show them how to do everything, including picking a topic for their term papers. They are getting stressed and antsy because they've been procrastinating or sleeping in class for three months and now have no idea what the F they are doing. This in turn makes them really stupid and annoying. If you see my picture on the 6 o'clock news, you'll know why: I've murdered a college student. With my stolen scissors.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
The Sick Day & The Eccentric Aunt
Ug. I don't feel so hot. I just want to lay on my couch and veg. But I have so much to share--the blog must go on!
Last night MIA started texting me at 11:15pm. I am a firm believer that anyone who only texts after a certain time of day wants one thing only. He wanted to know if I was mad at him. I texted that I'm tired of late night drunk texting and I didn't think it was too much to ask to be called on the phone and asked out for a real date. Basically, cut the crap and put your money where your mouth is. Then I went to bed. This morning I got up to find 3 new texts and 4 new phone calls. They were all from him. Oh. My. God. I could tell from the messages that he felt really bad, so I called him to explain myself a little better since I was pretty sure this was just a miscommunication. So I explained to him that if he is really interested in me, he would call me, not text me, and ask me out rather than drunk dial me. He apologized and said that was not what he was trying to do. Then he offered to bring me some soup since I was sick. I said ok. That's what I'm waiting for right now. Otherwise I'd be asleep. I think he is actually making it from scratch, which is earning him mad crazy brownie points....I'll keep you posted.
In other news, I would like to introduce my best friend to this blog. She finally has Internet access after a long hiatus and so she will undoubtedly be leaving comments. She probably the funniest person I know. That's why I keep her around. Even though she calls me Madam Scrotum Snatch. She does this because it annoys me as there is NO REASON to call me this. In my defense, I call her Lady Starfish. So that is her nickname on this blog.
Also, I need to tell you about my aunt. Everyone has an eccentric aunt. Mine went abroad her junior year of college and has yet to return. She is in her fifties. She lives in Europe. She has a rather glamorous lifestyle when compared to her sister (my mom). Both of them are total control freaks. (But I still love them! My mom is awesome!) I don't know my aunt all that well, so I was surprised when she randomly emailed me the other day. Here is the important info from the email:
1. She was at a wedding where she met a young guy and his mother.
2. The son is a real estate mogul and the mother was some big power-suit wearing CEO of Palmolive. (Yeah, the dishwashing liquid). Now she is retired. But she has a book. One of them lives in Charleston--an hour or so from me.
3. My aunt made sure to tell them that I am dating someone so the son would not think I'm meeting him for dating purposes. (are you seeing where this is going?)
4. Auntie is getting the mother to send me a copy of her CEO businesswoman's guide book so that I may read it. (I have absolutely no desire to be a CEO businesswoman. Nor have I ever expressed any desire to do so.)
5. Apparently, I will be meeting the mother and/or son sometime soon because Auntie wants the son to talk to me about getting into the real estate business. (Again, I have never expressed any interest in this career path.)
6. Auntie is even sending me money to buy a new outfit to wear when I meet them.
Are you scratching your head yet? Because I am. Is it a romantic fix-up? Is it a career guidance session? Do I get any say in my own adult life? Because last time I checked, I thought I was capable of making my own decisions. Or at least having a say in the ones she makes concerning my life! I'm not unhappy, so I don't see this as help, really, just interference. Do all eccentric aunts do this or just mine? Do I have a right to find this rude? What do I say when they ask about my boyfriend? I'm tempted to make up one who is incredibly handsome and totally in love with me. How do I fake interest in career fields which hold no appeal to me? Keep in mind I do not know how old the guy is or even if he is single. If this goes badly, she might get mad at me. Great. Anyone taking bets yet as to how awkward this is going to be for me?? Any advice or opinions would be much appreciated. But in any case, it sounds like good news for my hands, whether it's a lifetime supply of Palmolive or a shiny diamond ring! (Just kidding. I just noticed the irony in this situation.)
Last night MIA started texting me at 11:15pm. I am a firm believer that anyone who only texts after a certain time of day wants one thing only. He wanted to know if I was mad at him. I texted that I'm tired of late night drunk texting and I didn't think it was too much to ask to be called on the phone and asked out for a real date. Basically, cut the crap and put your money where your mouth is. Then I went to bed. This morning I got up to find 3 new texts and 4 new phone calls. They were all from him. Oh. My. God. I could tell from the messages that he felt really bad, so I called him to explain myself a little better since I was pretty sure this was just a miscommunication. So I explained to him that if he is really interested in me, he would call me, not text me, and ask me out rather than drunk dial me. He apologized and said that was not what he was trying to do. Then he offered to bring me some soup since I was sick. I said ok. That's what I'm waiting for right now. Otherwise I'd be asleep. I think he is actually making it from scratch, which is earning him mad crazy brownie points....I'll keep you posted.
In other news, I would like to introduce my best friend to this blog. She finally has Internet access after a long hiatus and so she will undoubtedly be leaving comments. She probably the funniest person I know. That's why I keep her around. Even though she calls me Madam Scrotum Snatch. She does this because it annoys me as there is NO REASON to call me this. In my defense, I call her Lady Starfish. So that is her nickname on this blog.
Also, I need to tell you about my aunt. Everyone has an eccentric aunt. Mine went abroad her junior year of college and has yet to return. She is in her fifties. She lives in Europe. She has a rather glamorous lifestyle when compared to her sister (my mom). Both of them are total control freaks. (But I still love them! My mom is awesome!) I don't know my aunt all that well, so I was surprised when she randomly emailed me the other day. Here is the important info from the email:
1. She was at a wedding where she met a young guy and his mother.
2. The son is a real estate mogul and the mother was some big power-suit wearing CEO of Palmolive. (Yeah, the dishwashing liquid). Now she is retired. But she has a book. One of them lives in Charleston--an hour or so from me.
3. My aunt made sure to tell them that I am dating someone so the son would not think I'm meeting him for dating purposes. (are you seeing where this is going?)
4. Auntie is getting the mother to send me a copy of her CEO businesswoman's guide book so that I may read it. (I have absolutely no desire to be a CEO businesswoman. Nor have I ever expressed any desire to do so.)
5. Apparently, I will be meeting the mother and/or son sometime soon because Auntie wants the son to talk to me about getting into the real estate business. (Again, I have never expressed any interest in this career path.)
6. Auntie is even sending me money to buy a new outfit to wear when I meet them.
Are you scratching your head yet? Because I am. Is it a romantic fix-up? Is it a career guidance session? Do I get any say in my own adult life? Because last time I checked, I thought I was capable of making my own decisions. Or at least having a say in the ones she makes concerning my life! I'm not unhappy, so I don't see this as help, really, just interference. Do all eccentric aunts do this or just mine? Do I have a right to find this rude? What do I say when they ask about my boyfriend? I'm tempted to make up one who is incredibly handsome and totally in love with me. How do I fake interest in career fields which hold no appeal to me? Keep in mind I do not know how old the guy is or even if he is single. If this goes badly, she might get mad at me. Great. Anyone taking bets yet as to how awkward this is going to be for me?? Any advice or opinions would be much appreciated. But in any case, it sounds like good news for my hands, whether it's a lifetime supply of Palmolive or a shiny diamond ring! (Just kidding. I just noticed the irony in this situation.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
