Ironic Ending

Thank you, everyone, for all the nice comments on the last post. CN was bummed about his cousin. On Thursday night, he asked me to come over, because he didn't feel well. He had a fever and was dizzy and his tummy was upset. He told me he had just called his mom to tell her that he would not be able to go to Alabama for the funeral because he was sick. I pointed out that whenever he gets stressed out, he feels sick, and that he would probably feel fine in the morning. But he was convinced he was sick, so he stuck to his guns.

The next morning, he felt fine. But it was too late -- his mom had already left for Alabama. I had to bite my tongue in order to stop myself from saying, "I told you so!" He's so funny -- whenever he's stressed out, his body just reacts like that -- he just gets sick for one day. It's very odd. Anyway, he felt really badly about not going to the funeral, but I told him everyone would understand.

So he and I ended up hanging out most of the weekend. Nothing really exciting, just the usual: errands, the gym, watching tv, lunch with MJ, yardwork...wow, we are an exciting couple, huh??

I have to say, the real highlight of my weekend was last night. I had coffee with Repo's ex, the girl he cheated on. With me. Yeah, file that under "Things I Never Thought Would Happen".

It all started last week, when I got an email from her on myspace. She apologized to me for everything that happened and wanted to meet for coffee. You could have knocked me over with a feather! I don't think I would've been more shocked if Princess Diana emailed me!

I thought this was very big of her, and I realized it probably took a lot of guts, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and agree to meet her for coffee. More than anything, I was curious to see what she had to say.

All weekend, I had my doubts. What if she was going to beat me up? What if I showed up, and Repo was with her? What if she is working as a double agent for Repo? What if she's just a huge bitch? Why is she doing this???

For those of you who may not know, ever since all the crap went down over a year ago, and I found out I was the "other woman", Repo has been making my life hell -- he has stalked me online, harassed me, left me mean comments and emails, and even tried to break me and CN apart (I won't go into details here). Repo is the main reason this blog is private. And every time I run into Repo, he retaliates. So to make a long story short, I almost live in fear of Repo, because he will stop at nothing to harass me, and I'm tired of it. So yesterday, I was a little worried that I would be inviting all of this crap back into my life.

By the time I got to Starbuck's, the last thing I needed was coffee! I was a bundle of nerves. I got in line and made my order. That's when I heard a tiny voice behind me:

"Virginia?"

I turned around to find a tiny, young girl. My first thought was that she's much prettier in person. And she smelled really good. (Is that a weird thing to say? I dunno.)

"Barbie?" I replied. (Not her real name -- I'll explain in a sec.)

We said hello, and then she proceeded to buy my coffee for me. I thought this was a nice gesture, and thanked her, but it didn't really break the ice. We had about 5 minutes of a very awkward silence as we waited on our coffees.

We grabbed a table and started off with small talk. She told me how the last time she came to Starbuck's, the girl thought her name was Barbie, and we had a good laugh, because her name sounds nothing like "Barbie". We talked about our jobs, our families, our friends and how we have both considered moving away from Columbia at certain points.

I began to relax and realize that she didn't have an agenda. She was not hostile or bitter or bitchy. She was just a naive 23 year old, recent college grad, trying to figure out life after college.

To say I could relate is an understatement. I was sitting across a small table from a 23 year old version of myself. Then, I saw that her hands were shaking, and I have to say, that kind of made my heart melt -- this girl was terrified of me! Of ME! It was so preposterous, I almost laughed about it. All this time, I was worried that she was going to rag me out for "ruining" her relationship with her boyfriend! Or show up with a posse of her friends to beat me up!

After we got to know each other a little bit, she finally opened up to me and gave me the dirt on the good stuff: what happened on her end of things when all the shit hit the fan. It turns out that she and Repo just broke up -- for good, this time -- only a week ago. She wanted to apologize to me about how he behaved and for not believing me when I tried to tell her what was going on. She said that she finally sees him for what he really is and can't believe how stupid she was.

I told her that she's not the first girl he's done this to, and then I proceeded to list off all the crap Repo had put me through, both during and after our relationship. She lit up like a firefly -- she had no idea he was like this to all girls. She thought that it was just her, and I could see the relief on her face. After that, we just compared notes and kept saying, "You too?!" -- because he made us both feel the same way during our relationships, and he did the same things to both of us. She even caught MRSA from him, just like I did.

Then we analyzed his behavior and his life, trying to figure out why he behaves the way he does. She thinks he's bi-polar, and I think he's got some serious narcissism going on. She also told me that his health is not very good -- he's gained a lot of weight, and he sleeps too much and eats nothing but fast food. She said he's been really down lately. We agreed that he had no one to blame but himself, because all he does is hurt people who care about him.

She informed me that he still goes to my gym (CRAP!) and told me he has a new car. She described it to me so that I can keep my eyes peeled. I informed her that assholes like this only make you appreciate the nice guys who do eventually come along -- she's pretty bitter and cynical about love right now, to say the least. I told her that having CN makes it all worthwhile in the end, and that everything is going to be ok. (She is still upset about the break-up. She had tears in her eyes when she was listing all the mean things Repo did to her. So I have to admit, I felt pretty sympathetic towards her. Poor thing.)

I also told her to hold on to her hat, because Repo is probably about to start harassing the bejeezus out of her. She said he'd already started. Oh dear. "No, it's ok, really. This is just karma, getting me. I have had this coming for a long time." -- This launched us into a big discussion about karma and ex-boyfriends, of course.

FOUR hours later, she and I were STILL talking. And I have to admit, I really like her! She's funny and independent and gutsy. It took a lot for her to approach me and apologize to me. She just wanted to make things right, and that meant a lot to me. Of course, now I feel badly about all the things I said about her, but she told me the same thing, so it's all water under the bridge.

You're not going to believe this, but I think I just made a new girlfriend! She even invited me to go shopping with her in Charlotte in a couple of weeks-- I think I will take her up on it. And apparently, we share more than the same taste in ex-boyfriends -- right before we parted, we realized we were wearing the same shoes.

I don't really know how to explain the emotions I am feeling about all of this. Have you ever gone to a funeral and met up with a long-lost relative or friend? It kind of felt like that. Your gut instinct is to be all happy and excited to talk to a nice person, but under the circumstances, you don't really feel like it's appropriate, because the situation that brought you together is sad and serious. And you feel kind of weird talking about anything other than that serious topic.

It was very surreal...but good. I feel really good about all of it.

Drama!!

For those of you who think my posts this week have been kind of boring, do not fear. This one's juicy.

Trust me.

And I don't really care who reads this or what they think. I'm going to lay it all out on the line. The whole truth and nothing but. I'm not holding back on this one. (See? I told ya this was juicy.)

So this morning I was on myspace. (Some of you are groaning already, I can hear you!) By browsing around on some friends' and friend-of-friends' pages, I managed to put two and two together:

My ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend. That's right. Repo is dating someone.

After about 45 minutes of crying and some phone calls and emails to my wonderfully supportive friends (you know who you are), I felt like I was going to hurl.

Was I hurt? You betcha. I was crushed. He'd rather be with someone else. Enough to date her and refer to her as "girlfriend". I had always secretly hoped we would get back together, because honestly, my feelings for him never really went away. We still talk and flirt. My ego was majorly bruised-- I had always hoped I'd be the first to find someone, the first to officially move on. I know he hasn't always been Mr. Perfect by any wild stretch of the imagination, but you can't help whom you love. So this was kind of a blow.

Then again, it's not like I didn't realize today was going to happen eventually. I wish that knowing that would help you prepare, but it doesn't. It's still upsetting.

So I was crying and feeling hurt about it, until I thought..."Hey...wait a second..."

[Ok, this is the part that is really hard for me to admit on my blog...because to be honest, I'm pretty ashamed of myself...so be kind, peeps. I know what I've done is stupid.]

My wheels started turning. You see, the thing is, I've been sleeping with him on and off since we broke up last July. As recently as a couple of weeks ago. He's told me he misses me, he's lonely, thinks about me, etc. The whole spiel. (He gave me the spiel in Oct-Nov-ish. It was mushy enough to keep me going and believing that something might actually happen between us again one day.)

So for me to read that he has a girlfriend, my first thought is obviously, "Ok, how long have they been dating? And how do I find out?"

A mutual friend, of course. I texted her.

Well, it turns out that he's been dating the girl since early October. Yeah...so I have been The Other Woman for 4 months. This is not how I roll. I am not cool with this at all. I felt terrible about unknowingly being "that girl". His poor girlfriend probably had no idea! He'd been lying to me about being single all this time. (Every time he came over, it would come up and we would ask each other if we were dating anyone. He told me every time he was single. Not dating anyone.) He had been lying to her. Making both of us look like idiots. (When really, I can make a complete idiot out of myself, by myself. I don't need any help in that department!!)

That's when I started to get pissed off. Which, as my fellow females know, feels a helluva lot better than feeling hurt. I was mad at him for lying to me, lying to her, putting me and her in these positions, making fools out of us, thinking we were stupid and one of us wouldn't figure it out, thinking that I would cover for him...the list went on and on.

Did I mention he talked shit about a girl we both know because she cheated on her boyfriend???? So he's a hypocrite to boot.

Asshole. Just typing that makes me so pissed at myself for even dating him in the first place. I've had adreneline surging throught my veins since about 11:30am! Where was I? Oh yeah.

So I'm talking to the mutual friend, trying to find out how long they've been dating. "Why?" she asks. Believing that the girlfriend was only an acquaintance of hers, I inform her that I think Repo has been cheating on his girlfriend. With me.

"That asshole! That's my best friend!" she replied.

Oh boy. Well, shit. Me and my big mouth. I thought she just knew the girl, I didn't know they were friggin best friends. Now the cat was out of the bag. Oops. I hadn't planned on telling the girlfriend, but it was really too late for that. (Then again, I wasn't going to lose any sleep over it, either. He's an asshole and brought all of this upon himself.)

"What should we do?" we both asked.

"She should hear it from you so she gets it from the horse's mouth," she said.

"No one wants to hear that from a stranger! Tell her to call me if she wants to and I will tell her everything she needs to know. And tell her I am sorry and that I would never ever do that to someone if I knew."

She said she'd tell the girlfriend and call me back. She did, and they called me. The three of us talked about it--they asked me questions, I gave them information--where, when, what he said, what I knew, what I didn't know, etc. Lots of details. I told her I was really sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but no one wants to be the last to know or be made a fool. I told her that although I wasn't as hurt as she probably was, that I was also hurt by him. He had lied to both of us. I apologized to her because I never ever would have done what I did had I known he was dating someone. I told her I asked him several times if he was dating someone and he said he wasn't. I said I knew no one likes hearing all of this, especially from a stranger, but she should probably know. She said she was sorry too. But she thanked me and got off the phone.

A little bit later, she texted me to say that he was denying everything and blaming the whole thing on me. Saying that I was just causing trouble. She apologized for the way he was behaving. I told her not to believe him, because he was putting lies on top of lies. I told her I have proof -- because I do. (Seriously, what a moron! Just fess up! The show's over! You've been called out. Try and save a little bit of dignity!! Own up to your faults like a man!)

Then she said something very interesting: "He has MRSA right now. Do you think he caught it from you?"

[Note to new readers: Repo and I have been suffering from MRSA, a staph infection. We seem to keep giving it back and forth to each other. One doctor did say that it could have been passed through "close, personal, skin-on-skin contact" -- ie, sex. But no one really knows for sure how we caught it or why it keeps coming back. You can read the backstory here. And here. And here.]

Well, the funny thing is, the last MRSA outbreak I had was back in October, just a day after he and I had hooked up. (We had a lull in the booty calls between November and December. So we only seem to be catching MRSA in months where we are hooking up.) Interesting coincidence. So I am thinking that maybe he and I really are just giving it back and forth to each other. I told her there isn't any way to be sure, but that I had caught it from him before, and so maybe he had now caught it from me. I said that it was a possibility.

I don't know if she believes me. She probably hates me. Can't really say I blame her. I can tell she is sorry this whole situation is even taking place. We both apologized to each other a few times. I feel really bad about the timing, too--right before Valentine's Day. But better now than later, right? I mean, if I were being cheated on, I would definitely want to know, ASAP. And although I didn't plan on doing this (I was going to gather information and think about it for a while before making up my mind), I do think he ought to be ashamed of himself. Running all over town, hurting people and lying to them. Talking shit about people who are doing the same thing he's doing! Mr. High and Mighty. When we broke up, he told me he "just didn't have time for a relationship." Well, that's pretty funny, because for the past 4 months, he's had time for TWO at the same time. But the lying and lack of concern for how his actions affect others is what really gets under my skin. And then denying it when he's called out!!!! What a spineless asshole!!!

I don't know if she believed me or not. But based on the extremely pissed off text messages I received from Repo about an hour ago, I can only assume he's in hot water. He thinks I'm "psycho" and "ruining his life". But I didn't intend to start shit. I was just trying to get some info. By the time I got it, it was too late. And to be honest, I won't lose any sleep over it. He has no one to blame but himself. Now three women hate him.

I let him have it, too, when he started giving me shit. I asked him if he had cheated on me, too. Asked him if his mother would be proud of him. Told him he was a hypocrite and an asshole. I think I called him an asshole twice.

I am so glad we broke up. Because if we were still dating, he would probably be cheating on me with her. Now I see him for who he really is. As far as closure goes, this pretty much does it for me.

I am honestly starting to believe men are total scumbags. All of them (except my brothers and my guy pals, that is!).

People wonder what makes women crazy. Or why they are bitches. They wonder why some women are bitter or have attitudes. This is why. I'm pretty much done with men. For a long while. They won't be missed. I am on strike. The whole damn gender can kiss my ass. I don't care if Julian McMahon hits on me. I'll throw the drink in his face and tell him to go...well, you know.

Ok, I need to cool off and go read some blogs until it's 9pm. Then I'm meeting up w/MJ for drinks. We're going to have a bitch-a-thon about how much we hate men. Her day was pretty close to mine. We're both pretty anti-male right now.

Cop 2

I had a date last night. It went really well. Cop 2 is a super sweet guy who is very relaxing to be around.

Which was good, because I've been pretty stressed out lately. In addition to the abscess (which is healing nicely, btw), my phone rings off the hook with mortgage brokers, my realtor, friends of the family who want to give me advice....everyone expects me to get back with them right away, or have all the answers, even though I have no updates at all and I don't know anything. Or else they don't return my phone calls, and everything is hinging on that, and people call me asking if I've talked to so-and-so yet because they have to get the paperwork going. And I do realize that I will need X amount of dollars by closing, right? (X= $800 more than I realized)

Arrgh. I'm ready for all this house stuff to be overwith. Enough with the monkey business. Just show me where to sign, people! I'm ready to go to Lowe's and buy paint!

I'm going to a wedding this weekend, so I have been packing and planning dog-sitting. Brunette is too busy (no really, she seriously has no time) to get the wedding present, so I have to do that. I signed up for a cake-decorating class and there is a bunch of stuff I have to do for it--supplies, baking, etc. (So it's not all bad stress. Some of it's fun.)

Yesterday afternoon, I got into it with Czarina, so I was on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. It's a long story that I don't really want to get into right now, but we are fine. We have the same fight over and over. This was just an emotional one. Just mother-daughter stuff. We still love each other. But I was pretty upset.

I had to run errands after work and meet up with my real estate agent. I ended up crying while I was talking to her, which was pretty humiliating. So I told her about my day, and we ended up going to San Jose's Mexican Restaurant for happy hour drinks. She was so sweet. It really helped me vent and calm down.

Then I was late taking Sammy to doggie school, so I had to rush around for that. But he was the star pupil yesterday! I couldn't believe it. He did every trick perfectly. He was a little excited, and barked a lot, but he was super smart and well-behaved. Good boy. He earned his hot dog treats.

After that, I came home and realized I had 15 minutes to get ready for my date. And I was sweaty, stressed out and smelled like Mexican food, dog drool and hot dogs. My eyes were red from crying. I had no idea what I was going to wear. My makeup was completely melted.

I hopped in the shower, threw on some clothes and had most of my makeup on by the time he knocked at my door. Whew!

He was very patient as I finished getting ready. He played with Sammy. Then we went to Wild Wings Cafe. (It's delicious. They make something like 30 varieties of wings.) I could feel all my stress melting away, because I didn't have to think about my mom or the mortgage. I just got to enjoy someone's company. He's very calm and mature, which really put me at ease. And because he is so easy going and easy to be around, I was back to my old self in no time. Conversation flowed very easily.

After dinner we went and had drinks nearby. We kept laughing because the bar was playing really funny music--sort of these gender-bender karaoke songs. Only no one was doing karaoke. Some guy sang "I'm a Genie in a Bottle". As in Xtina Aguilera. Then another male voice sang Erykah Badu's "Tyrone". Very odd.

Then we went to a nearby park and sat on a swing and just talked for about an hour. It was really nice. Great temperature, nice and quiet...he definitely had a good idea with that one.

He sent me the sweetest email today. I'm not going to say what was in the email here, but trust me, I melted. He might hold the record for the sweetest email I've ever gotten.

So, he's off to a good start. We'll see what happens.

Quick Recap

I was sick all weekend. I had a migraine which still hasn't gone away--it's going on 3 days now. Well, it's mostly gone, but there are lingering throbs inside my skull. And nausea.

I also have nausea from the antibiotics I'm on. Why am I on antibiotics? I have Ass Abscess #3! Woo-hoo! Not. Did I tell you that Czarina is convinced it's an STD? Seriously, she won't let it go. I think she is saying it to make me feel bad about not being in the V Club anymore. Sort of a "See? This is what you get for giving up your virginity!" -- when, actually, she is being stubbornly ignorant of the fact that this is a staph infection that was originally contracted in the emergency room. It's not an STD at all. She refuses to believe me. Or the doctor, who told me there is no way it is an STD, but probably contracted through unwashed hands. Grrrr....mothers.

So I have felt like crap since Friday afternoon. My head hurts. My ass hurts. I want to barf. I'm going home to go to bed.

But before I do that, let me tell you a couple of cool things:

1. I am meeting with a mortgage guy today who says I have qualified for a below-market interest rate!!! I think it is a program from the State Housing Authority. Wish me luck. Pray I don't barf on him.

2. Speaking of barfing, I barfed this weekend when I was out. A bunch of my friends got together at J-Rich's house to watch the Carolina game (we beat Kentucky!) and then we went out afterwards. Even though I didn't feel good, I went out anyway. To try and ease the pain of my migraine, I popped two more Excedrins. This is a bad idea, and I thought it might be. Excedrin has aspirin in it, and if I take a 2nd dose in one day, it makes me barf. I thought I would be golden, since I had eaten, but not so much. So after that happened, I went home. [Note to self: Never, under any circumstances, is your tummy cool with a 2nd dose of Excedrin.]

3. But before I went home, I did give my number to Cop 2 (nicknamed this only to avoid confusion with my ex, The Cop). Cop 2 is the brother of JD, a guy pal of mine. Somehow, I had never met JD's brothers. Cop 2's really easy to talk to and a lot of fun. We talked on the phone last night for a while. He's taking me out on Wednesday after Sammy's dog class. Woo-hoo! Go me. I can get guys when I'm sick. Awesome. (I guess the bets are off on me not getting a date until December!)

4. So after I got sick and was leaving to go home, Cop 2's other brother (yes, there are three), the Quiet Man, was nice enough to walk me to my car--I really appreciated that, actually, because 5 Points isn't the safest part of town. Cop 2 thought I had already left, so he was actually talking to someone and didn't see me when the Quiet Man walked up to me and offered to walk me to my car. So I'm waiting to cross the street with Quiet Man, and he grabbed the tips of my fingers. Like a half-way hand holding. Weird. Awkward. Didn't know what to do.....so I just sorta squeezed back, made some quick, nervous small talk and then dropped his hand when we crossed the street. I don't know if he did it on purpose, or if he had accidentally brushed up against my hand and I misinterpreted things....we had talked for a little while, but it wasn't very flirty or anything...then again, he's the quiet one of the family. I don't think he knows I have a date with his brother this week! He did message me on myspace to see if I was feeling better, which I thought was very sweet. Interpretations, anyone? I can usually figure out male behavior, but this one is weird.

Sorry if this post is hard to understand. Like I said, I don't feel good. I'll try to be more coherent tomorrow.

P.S. JD and J-Rich also introduced me to Repo. Same crowd, different guy. Maybe I am making the rounds through their friends?? Is that bad??

Vacation!

It's all I ever wanted. I have to get away.

...or not.

I am broke. Which means my vacation will be spent on my couch or filling out job applications. Fun times.

But that's ok. It gives me time to do stuff like this:

--organize my closet/files
--find a used desk (hello, yard sales!)
--hang up pictures
--go to the art museum (I have lived here 4 years and still haven't been!)
--sleep in
--read a lot of books
--cook
--watch some movies
--hit the gym
--catch up on some blogs
--mess with my pictures/scrapbook
--take lots of long walks with Sammy
--catch the sales at the mall (without money...this is challenging...)
--find a part-time job (I was going to donate plasma until I learned that it is painful. Dang! Back to the drawing board!)

I have thought about going to visit The Czarina, but I'm already planning a trip at the end of the month. Plus, there's never any good food at her house and it's impossible to sleep in there. There is also this little thing...I am kind of annoyed with her right now. I will post about it later. It's a long story. But every girl's mom drives her nuts, right? I'm sure you understand. However...there is a chance she would take me shopping....hmmmm...

I could also check out last-minute deals on travel sites...or visit nearby friends, like Charleston Guy...or hit the beach for the day....we will see.

I've been trying to line up something with Lady Starfish. But she's busy with the Covered Bridge Festival held this weekend in her hometown. Features of this 40th annual event include:

--"toe-tapping" music, featuring The Incahoots Dance team and the Trailblazer Cloggers (I myself would actually like to go to Bluegrass Night.)
--The Mr. and Little Miss Hillbilly contest
--free fishing for the kids

If you go, you'll see Lady Starfish, representing her bank. She will be making the rounds, accompanied by a guy dressed up as a giant $100 bill. Very cool way to spend the weekend.

You gotta love Small Town America. There are festivals like this all over the rural south, y'all. Just in SC alone we have the following:

Peach Festival
Okra Strut
Poultry Festival
Grits Festival
Cooter Fest (Sorry, I have no idea what that is)
Albino Skunk Bluegrass Festival
Watermelon Festival (2)
Sweet Potato Festival (2)
Oyster Festival (2)
Maize Days
Gopher Hill Festival
The Cotton Crawl
Shrimp Festival (2)
Coastal Cajun Festival
BBQ/Shag Festival
Chitlin' Strut
Farm Festival
Pumpkin Festival
Azalea Festival

Whew! That's a lot. I guess we just love our agriculture down here. There's always yummy food at all of these, btw. Ever had fried okra? Don't knock it 'til ya try it.

Actually, I might be able to hook up with Lady Starfish next weekend. *crosses fingers*

In other news...Repo's roommate is now the current abscess victim. No joke. You are next. He's out to infect the world, I am telling you.

I have a splitting headache. It's because I made the oh-so-intelligent decision to skip my morning coffee all week, and now my caffeine-addicted blood vessels are throbbing in retaliation. Nothing seems to make this go away--caffeine, Excedrin, sleep, nothing. It's almost as bad as a migraine.

Since I don't feel well, I will be giving Sammy a bath, reading my book, watching my favorite ghost show on the Travel Channel and going to bed early. Woo-hoo! What an exciting vacation! Man, I am getting old.

I will try to post next week, but I can't make any promises! Have a great weekend everyone. Oh, and here is a great Fun Friday link for you. I got it from Gypsy. This may be the most hilarious thing I've ever read. I will definitely keep an eye on this blogger.

The Dangers of Vicodin

Warning: Do not attempt to bake when under the influences of Vicodin and its derivatives. You will blatantly ignore the recipe directions (The recipe "Doesn't know what it is talking about!") and force the cake out of the pan before it cools. This results in half the cake sticking to the pan. Actually, you won't care because you're on Vicodin.

Warning: Vicodin has also been proven to make certain daily activities 300 times more difficult. These activities include: measuring ingredients for cakes, setting the timer for the baking of said cake, talking to your boss, using the telephone, answering questions, being at work, driving, reading anything other than magazines with lots of pictures, writing, typing, climbing stairs, remembering things and thinking. You are well advised to avoid doing these activities while on Vicodin.


Look, Ma! I took all these pills today! Some of them made me want to barf. But I'm ok.

It was really fun going to work after taking these.

Not really.

Ok, some of them are vitamins, but whatever. That's still a lot of pills.

So now I have a baby abscess. It doesn't hurt as much, it doesn't need to be stuffed. (YESSSS!) But I have to take 3 showers per day with nothing but Ivory soap. (I had forgotten how nice it smells, actually.) Then when I get out of the shower, I have to change the bandage using totally sterile bandages and the special cream. All I heard was SHOWERS.

Have you ever tried to put a sterile bandage on your ass? It's hard. Because I'm not using nice little conveniently pre-stickified Band-Aids. I'm using those gauze pads that need special, separate tape to stick 'em on. There's a lot of twisting and aiming and cursing involved. It's like playing Medical Twister--right hand on ass, left hand on...shit! (That's the part where I miss my boo-boo and drop the sterile bandage on the floor. Then I have to start all over. After I stop my dog from wanting to lick the medicated cream. He is so weird.)

So yeah, everything is normal here inVB Land.

Repo and I were on the phone last night until 1 am. I was (surprise, surprise) freaking out about telling him about this blog. I was convinced he was going to dump me or hate me or something. [Note: This was the Vicodin talking.] Repo now makes jokes that he is looking for a new girlfriend. Ha ha. Mr. Funnybone over here. But we are ok. He was a little freaked out, but we talked about everything and we are fine. I think. Until I do something like that again. Kidding. Really, he was mostly upset about strangers judging him. And a couple of my guy friends judging him. I agree--it isn't really fair considering they don't know him. But for the most part, everyone on here is Pro-Repo. Right? [This is the part where all my readers leave comments that would fall into the Pro-Repo category.]

That's hard to say: Pro-Repo. Hard to type too. Woooooah....still woozy from Vicodin. Can. Not. Look. Down. While. Typing.

He said he kinda wishes I hadn't told him. He doubts he will ever read it again, actually. I think it was a lot to take in. I (of course) am having World's Biggest Guilt Trip and wondering if I did the right thing. It's a little like those people who confess to cheating just to make themselves feel better, I think. I am not speaking from experience, people. But I really think that any communication in a relationship is good. And that feeling of keeping something from him really bugged me.

I'm just amazed at how understanding and patient he is with me. I mean, I would be totally wigging out over something like this. And he is just..a little hurt. But he's fine. He is probably going to stick it to me for a while, though. He called me this morning.

"I hate you because I'm tired." (He got about 5 hours of sleep last night. Oops.)

I apologized. Then he told me that the water main busted at the hotel, so his kitchen was flooding as we spoke. Also, there was some big group of airline pilots (?) checking in all at once and they were being douchebags. Yeah, that made my guilt trip double in size.

I have the best boyfriend ever.

Oh...Hi Honey!

OK, we can all ignore the last post. Turns out the Katie girl is this virus thingie that is spreading all over Myspace.

Repo just called me and told me he got the email. I asked him about Katie. His reply?

"She's my anal lover."

Nice.

Then he told me that he got an invite to be her friend and didn't want to, but it got on his page anyway. He didn't even know about the pictures of her ass. It is just some spam thing. He doesn't even know her and hasn't even gone to her site.

He also asked me about my sore butt. I called him this morning and told him I have another abscess and it hurts. He is worried about me, I think.

My boyfriend is awesome.

I have to say lots of stuff like that all the time now.

Because I told him about my blog.

And he's probably going through the archives right now. Yes, I have a big mouth. Yes, I realize I will now have to censor some things I say. But I've been censoring a lot of stuff already. So the posts probably won't change that much. I had to do it guys. I just felt I was keeping stuff from him and that I was deceiving him. I couldn't take it anymore.

And he's not mad at all.

Did I mention my boyfriend is awesome? (Side note: He really has been sweet lately. I'm not just saying that because he might be reading this. Really, he has! I am super crazy about him.)

I told him that he is totally anonymous on here and that only a couple of my friends read it religiously. 90% of my readers are people who don't know me. And there aren't any pictures of me or him on here. I think that was a relief to him.

Also, most of my girlfriends don't read this. That is because it's easier to just call them on the phone and tell them all the dirty juicy details. :) Ha ha! Kidding.

I didn't give him the URL until he promised me that he won't think less of me or get mad at anything I've written here. I told him this is like my diary and that there isn't much on here that I haven't said to his face. I mean, sure there are a couple of things on here I'd rather he not read. But nothing major. It's all neurotic stuff about me that he would learn anyway. Remember, I have a big mouth.

He thinks it's kinda dorky that I have a blog, but is hoping that he will find lots of stuff on here to tease me about. (He will have TONS of material.) Actually, as we got off the phone, he said he was going to go take a shower. He didn't even seem that interested in reading it. I'm wondering if he will, actually.

So please welcome Repo, everybody. (Hi DW!) <-- inside joke. Note how I kept it private, Repo. :) Aren't you proud?

Thursday 13

13 Things that are Cute or Annoying About Repo

1. Annoying: He drinks all my diet cokes. And "borrows" my CDs. They are returned scratched.

2. Cute: The way he runs his hands through his hair when he's nervous. [So. Hot.]

3. Annoying: He demolishes my bed when he sleeps in it. As in, I have to tuck all the sheets back in. After I find them. Because he has shoved them down the side of the bed.

4. Cute: How he gets all excited whenever the topic of college football comes up.

5. Annoying: He never vacuums or cleans his room. Ever.

6. Cute: He always asks me if I need anything from the store before he comes over.

7. Annoying: He won't kiss me if I have any lipstick on. Not even lip balm. Not even chapstick. I have to have naked lips to get smooches. This has been a big adjustment for me because I love lipstick. I would wear it to bed if I could.

8. Cute: He always knows how to make me laugh when I'm upset. Example: We were in his car once. I was crying about some stupid situation that I had created in my mind. It was nothing. But I was crying. He stroked my hair and said very matter-of-factly: "Oh, Sweetie. It's ok. But you can't cry in here. My car is a No Crying Zone." This made me burst into giggles.

9. Annoying: He acts like I have leprosy because of my abscess(es). Even though he is the one who gave them to me. He won't touch anything in my room now.

10. Cute: He always tells me to call him if I need anything when I am sick or if I need a ride to the doctor. And then he actually backs it up.

11. Annoying: He is on the South Beach diet. And so he won't eat any carbs. This makes it very hard for us to cook dinner together as he won't eat anything I make. Then he will go out and eat Subway sandwiches. Grrrr....

12. Cute: He makes the most pointless phone calls. He will call me 5 times a day, and four of the conversations go like this on his end: Hey VB! What are you doing? Oh. Cool. Are you having a good day? Good. Well, I'm doing [insert random activity here]. Ok, hey, can I call you back? I'll call you later. Bye." These conversations crack me up.

13. Cute and Annoying: He thinks Huey Lewis and The News is the greatest band ever. *VB gags.*

Deja Ew

It's baaaaack.

I have another abscess.

On my ass.

I am so pissed.

My ass hurts.

A lot.

I would go to the doctor today, but I know Dr. Asshole is working, and he is apparently into some S&M-style doctoring. Everything he does hurts like hell. And I'm not in the mood to be tortured. So I'm waiting for Dr. Awesome to look at it tomorrow.

I went in yesterday to have him look at it. He thought it was just a baby abscess. So he just put some special cream on it. But little did he know it would swell up overnight. Now it's almost as big as the first one.

I am so tired of dealing with this. Why can't I get pneumonia or strep throat like normal people? I have to get something disgusting. On my ass of all places. And it will probably be back to no showers for two weeks. Yipee.

Thursday 13

Yeah, I'm too lazy to dig up the code and copy it here. Sue me.

13 Things Weighing on My Mind Today

1. Today was the day I got the news that my baby brother died. He was 18. Sudden drowning accident. No time to say goodbye. It's the two-year anniversary. If you have been paying attention, he died 8 months before my dad died. There is (obviously) more I can say about this, but I don't want to talk about it any more today.

2. I estimate I have spent between $700-800 on medical bills since March. The good news? My dentist is the BEST EVER. I didn't even feel anything when they filled my cavity today. I almost fell asleep, actually. It was a walk in the park.

3. I need to find a part-time job for some cash! Soon!

4. Sammy needs some discipline stat before he becomes the most obnoctious dog in the neighborhood. Sammy also cost me $800. (If you include the vet bills.)

5. I have to figure out what I'm going to do on my weeklong vacation now that I'm not going to Germany. It has to be free or close-to-free. See #1 and #2 above. Luckily, I have a free domestic round-trip Delta flight. If they cooperate with me this time. Must think of something fun...

6. I'm seriously going to think about a career change and actually do something about it. I'm tired of letting other people make me doubt myself and my goals. I (think) I know what I want to do. Life is too short to wait around. I'm really excited.

7. God, I hope none of my coworkers are still reading this blog. I don't know what they would think about #6.

8. Repo has no idea I keep this blog. He probably wouldn't like it, even though he is totally anonymous here and none of his friends know about this. I don't really know what to do about that because as hard as I try not to talk about my relationship here, it just keeps creeping in. But I am being pretty good at leaving the personal stuff out. There's LOTS I'm not telling you guys. He'd be pretty impressed, actually.

9. I have a grand total of $5.41 in my checking account right now. Oh, and $2.oo in my wallet. I think. Thank God for payday.

10. I haven't been exercising or eating right in about a month. My ass is expanding at the speed of light and soon I won't be able to fit into any of my clothes. Luckily, the doctor told me that I can now take showers (YAY) and go to the gym (YAY) without bothering my ass-wound. I just have to change the band-aid ASAP in those situations. Oh, and I don't have to go to the doctor anymore and get my ass stuffed. This is awesome.

11. I hope I can find some decent rhubarb at the grocery store. I want to bake a pie (in addition to a ton of other stuff, like tapioca pudding) this weekend. Shit, this conflicts directly with #10. And #9.

12. I owe at least $17 at the public library. [Insert irony here. I am a librarian who is blocked from using the library.] What do I really feel like doing this weekend? Reading. Since I'm broke and have no travel plans and don't have Monday off anyway. But that's ok. I have lots of purchased books at my house. Like this one, which I will start tonight.

13. I have about 25 Vicodins left. And no pain as an excuse to use them. I am missing the buzz. For real. I am why this stuff is Rx only. Addiction is my middle name. You'd be like that too if you couldn't drink alcohol and didn't do any drugs. I crave being f--ked up sometimes.

14. (Shut it. This is my blog. If I want 14 in a list of 13, that is my business.) I am sad for K and Navy Guy. This is their last weekend together because he is getting shipped out from Norfolk, VA on June 2nd. He will be gone for 6 months. When he gets back, he will live in Norfolk. They are very sad and I think they will probably end up breaking up. I will miss seeing him. So will Sammy. Nice guy. If he's in town, he cleans our apartment while we are at work. It makes me sad to hear situations like this. There is no way they would break up if it weren't for this little glitch. Six months at sea followed by three years of a seven hour driving distance doesn't look good.

Please do not worry about me. I just re-read this list and it sounds so pessimistic! I am not moping, I promise. I'm actually in a very excited state--I can feel lots of changes coming around the bend. The good, action-packed, making better use of my life kind of changes. Most of my stress is coming from financial stuff right now. And I'm lucky that is the main source, because I can do something about it. I have my health back mostly (finally!) and that is really important. So is the fact that no one else in my family is dying. It could be so much worse. Luckily, I have good friends, a sweet boyfriend and a very funny little dog to make me happy. I'll be ok.

Just need to use that $2.00 to buy a lottery ticket!

Thanks!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been hoping I'll get better. I went to Dr. Butcher yesterday and he said that I'm healing up very well. It didn't hurt one bit when I had it re-stuffed yesterday. You have no idea how awesome this is. Unless you've ever had one of these things.

I'm going in today to have Dr. Awesome look at it. Unfortunately, I still won't be able to take a shower, swim or exercise for some time. It's still pretty deep, and any kind of water or moisture is a very bad thing. Aside from the fact that bathing is a huge pain in the ass and I'm gaining weight at lightning speed since I can't exercise, I'm fine.

The weird thing now is that since I'm done taking the antibiotic pills, they have switched me to an antibiotic cream. Normally you put it on your skin, but since that could make my infection worse, I have to--get this--put it in my nose. I put a dab in each nostril and massage it in so the medicine gets in my bloodstream. Very strange. It makes my nose numb and feel like it's running. At least it smells okay.

Does anyone know if it's possible to build up a tolerance to Vicodin after only taking it 5 times? Because it just never really kicked in yesterday. I got a little buzzy, but I could still drive. I knew you could build up a tolerance, but I thought it took more than 5 and a half pills. My body does weird things with drugs sometimes.

Did I mention that I have to have my very first cavity filled on Thursday? Woo-hoo the party never ends. No one told me that when I turn 27 my body starts falling apart. I have never valued my health (or lack thereof) more than this year. If I have to see one more needle or listen to one more person give me bad news, I'm going to curl up into the fetal position and start singing to myself.

Then I'll take some Vicodin and everything will be okay again.

Vicodin Lessons: The Return of Anna Nicole Smith

Continuing on with my Adventures in Vicodin:

Anecdote #1:

I "drug-dialed" Lady Starfish before she knew what was wrong with my butt. I left a message on her voicemail. It scared the crap out of her. This is how my message went:

"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaam's!!!" [Remember, that is the nickname we have for each other.]

"Whas-up.....I am on Vicodin and issa good time.....Anyway.... [Insert 2 minute pause here. Yeah, she said it was dead silence. Apparently I totally lost my train of thought.] .......ummmm.....jus call me back so I can tell you why I am on sedated drugs....[Insert massive sigh here.] Aaaaaaaaaaaah....my ass hurts. Call me back. Bye."

I only vaguely remember leaving this message. The lesson? Vidodin is fun.

Anecdote #2-- Last Saturday was yet another doctor's visit. Gotta stuff new gauze into the gaping hole on my ass, you know. At the doctor's office where I go, there are two doctors: Dr. Awesome and Dr. Butcher. Only one works per shift. Their names are directly related to the amount of physical pain they put me through. Based on my calculations, I was due to get Dr. Butcher. Remember, he is the one who made me cry I was in so much pain. It was like what I imagine torture to be. In anticipation of a repeat of my last visit with Dr. Butcher, I decided it would be a good idea to take a little extra Vicodin, just to ease off the pain a little better. So instead of taking one pill, I took one and a half. (Before you freak out and think I'm a drug addict, the docs said I can take up to two at a time.)

When Repo came to pick me up to take me to the doctor, I wuzzzz.....feelin'.....pretty good. I announced to him how much I had taken. He thought that it was a bad idea on my part. I slurringly begged to differ. I was rockin'!

For about an hour. By the time I was in the waiting room, it was Nausea City. They called my name to come to the back, and I looked up at them in my narcotically-induced stupor and informed them that they would have to wait because before I could go anywhere, I had to barf. I think my exact words were, "Ok, hold on. I gotta barf." Then I grabbed the trashcan and hurled into it. Twice. I got most of it into the trashcan. Some of it got on the floor. I thought this was pretty good, considering I would have been unable to spell my name at that point. Then I apologized to everyone. Twice.

Then I felt fine. And luckily (!) it didn't kill my buzz. Suh-weet. The Lesson? One Vicodin good. One and a half bad.

Anecdote #3:

So after my weekly torture with Dr. Butcher, I ask (again, slurringly) about my lab results--what kind of bacterial infection are we looking at, Doc? So he goes to get my lab results. I lay there, ass out for the world to see, buzzing...well, buzzing my ass off.

Dr. Butcher comes back in a few minutes with a grim look on his face. I knew it was bad news. F--k, I thought in my drug-soaked brain, I have an incurable flesh-eating bacteria attacking my ass and the whole thing will fall off....wait....that might be a good thing. Size 6 here I come!

And then I realized he was talking and I hadn't heard anything he'd been saying. But I got the tail end of it: The nurse who had filled out the paperwork for my lab test did so incorrectly and they didn't test it for what they were supposed to test it for. Bottom line? They threw out my ass-swab and now we will never know what kind of bacteria I have. Dr. Butcher was looking at me like he expected me to grab a scalpel and stab him 347 times so he could bleed to death slowly and painfully. Or sue the crap out of him.

Dr. Butcher doesn't understand Vicodin very well.

"Oh. That'ssss okay.... Mistakes happen. I'm sorry I barfed." I replied.

The lesson? When you have bad news to tell patients, tell them when they are hopped up on pills.

Anecdote #4: After some more questions about my medical condition and a new prescription from Dr. Butcher, Repo comes to pick me up. He begs me not to be like last time. He also wants to make sure I'm ok since I barfed (aww.).

Apparently, the last time he picked me up, I would not. stop. talking. He said it was like being with a little kid. I asked questions constantly and kept telling these pointless stories to everyone within 5 feet of me as I stumbled and slurred. These stories included: the benefits of ginger to cure nausea and motion sickness, how a tree fell down and smushed a car in Repo's neighborhood, how the people who owned the tree will probably be sued, how much I love a particular chain of grocery stores here in Columbia, how hard it is for me to find the ginger ale in the drug store, how nauseated I am, how constipated I am, how much it annoys me that Repo drinks all my diet cokes, how much I love my dog Sammy because he doesn't care how I act when I'm on painkillers, how awesome Vicodin is, what I wanted to eat for dinner, what I wanted to do with Repo alone in my room....you get the idea. I also debated with Repo about the level of my voice. He says I was yelling the whole time, I slurringly beg to differ. Basically, I had no internal dialogue. It was just verbal spewage of the worst kind. And I started in the car, continued in the drug store and kept talking for another hour or so when I got home. Everyone around me was either annoyed, scared or laughing at me. It was a good time.

The lesson? Vicodin f--ks me up.

Anecdote #5:

A little-known side effect of Vicodin (for me, at least) is bizarre dreams. I had one the other night. This is how it went: I'm in the grocery store, in the deli. I'm a customer, yet I'm standing behind the counter. The deli people are trying to get me to eat a sandwich, in a peer-pressure kind of way:

Deli Guy: Do you like seafood?

Me: Um, yeah, some of it.

Deli Guy: Just try the sandwich. You'll like it.

I take a bite of sandwich, exclaim that he is right. It's pretty yummy. I take a couple more bites. Then I take a good look at my sandwich. I am eating a squid sandwich. There are big slices of squid all in my sandwich, complete with eyeballs slices and tentacle slices. The squid were sliced lengthwise. Then there was something else in there. I peeled back the bread to reveal: a gigantic spider, marinated in herbs and olive oil. Don't ask me how I knew this. I just knew it was marinated, ok?

Of course, this is disgusting, even to Vicodin-dream VB, so I chuck it into the trashcan. Oh, but wait. What is already in the trashcan? Snakes. Big, black, slimy snakes. Tons of 'em. Why are they slimy, you ask? Because they have been marinating in tomato sauce. So they are all slithering around. Ew ew ew.

[Side note and VB trivia: I have dreams about snakes all the time. Remind me to tell you about the one I had when I was in kindergarten. Don't know what this means, but I'm too scared to look it up.]

I had another dream. I was at a Halloween party, hosted by a hot guy. Good, so far, right? Well, I was already checking him out when I realized that he was also making yummy treats as he was hosting the party! And all the treats were really yummy, unlike my last dream. There were little candies on all of these homemade goodies. So I began to hit on him. I don't remember what happened next, but all I know is that somehow this dream morphed into a third dream where a large group of my friends were camping with me and Sammy and we kept getting separated and lost. But the forest was so pretty, I didn't care. Plus, I had Sammy with me. Hard to be scared when you have your dog with you.

[Side note and VB Trivia: I hate camping. I'd rather eat the squid sandwich.]

The lesson? Vicodin = weird dreams

Well folks, I gotta go. Today I have to go to the doctor (again). That means I have to get going before my Vicodin kicks in. My arms are already getting tingly and it's hard for me to focus on typing this. Stay tuned for more Adventures with Vicodin. I'll be back with more stories, I am sure.

Also, I have to tell you about The Return of Jessica Simpson. But that takes a lot more clear-headedness than I have right now.

A Pain in the Ass

Yes, I can assure you, I am alive.

I think this is the longest I've ever gone without posting. But I can explain, really. If anyone is even reading this anymore! So, what's been going on with VB? Let's just say I've met my health insurance deductable. I'll give you the quick n dirty explanation:

I got a bad cold. I have now had it for 10 days. It refuses to die. I've taken 2 sick days for it.

We started doing inventory at work. This involves not only scanning each book, but also putting them in order and then going back to check our work. It wasn't a picnic, but it is a necessary evil. And it was kinda nice to do something different. Doing inventory means that I'm out with the books all day instead of at the desk, reading blogs and posting. So that was a contributing factor in my abscence.

The rest of the days I've been gone are related to yet another medical condition. The real icing on the cake is that I also have somehow managed to get an abscess. Yup, just what Repo got. Did I catch it from him? Probably. But until the lab results come in, I won't know for sure.

I noticed some swelling on Friday night and thought it was just an ingrown hair or something. But by Saturday morning, it was red, extremely painful and very swollen. It was also the size of a small dinner plate. No joke. After seeing what Repo had been through, I pretty much knew what I was dealing with. I knew I was in for it--the pain, the medication, the numerous doctor trips. I said some not-so-nice things to him. Because it takes about a month for these to heal up. And because I had to have FIVE shots. That's FIVE needles. And they HURT.

He lost some serious boyfriend points with this.

According to the doctor, abscesses are spreading all over town, which makes me wonder because I was under the impression that these were hard to catch. I just figured the fact that Repo is naturally averse to hand-washing (no matter how often I ask him to do it) left me in a high-risk environment. I thought it was one of those things where I would have to touch it directly in order to get it. We were very careful about keeping it bandaged and away from my hands. Or so we thought. I guess one time he must not have washed his hands. And then I didn't wash my hands. The Czarina is having a field day with this, implying that he and I are nasty and filthy people who do not bathe:

"Nice couple. Maybe you two can go to the doctor together and get them drained at the same time. Is there a two-for-one special?"

"Yeah, Mom, we can lay on parallel tables and hold hands while they do it. Thanks for the sympathy," I replied.

Did I mention where my abscess is located?

It's ON MY ASS. Of all freakin' places. I'm sorry if that grosses you out, but I can assure you that it's probably the most humiliating thing I've ever had to endure. I think that giving myself a head-to-toe scrub down with the loofah must have opened me up to infection. Either that or something mundane like an ingrown hair. And of course, the kind of luck that I have, it ends up on my ass. Unbelievable. All in the name of having a smooth tushie. Ask me how sexy I feel.

Ever called your boss to say that you can't come in to work because your ass hurts? Not fun.

Please note for the record: This infection does not mean that I am a nasty, filthy person who does not bathe. It's just a bacterial infection. All it takes is one time not washing your hands. And one teeny-tiny opening on your skin. And one itsy bitsy bacterium to get in there. And some people are just naturally more susceptible to getting them. So no jokes about my personal hygeine. And go wash your hands. Trust me, you don't want this.

I'm a little frustrated with medical information of today. I have heard different things from different medical sources. So has Repo. So we have no idea if we can pass it back and forth over and over. He's afraid to touch me because he doesn't want to get it again. We don't know if I can spread it to my coworkers or K. We don't know if Sammy will get it. I don't know if I should be quarantined or sterilize my apartment or what. Do I have to throw away my shower sponge? Boil my sheets? Forbid people from drinking after me? We don't even know how we got it--Repo read something that said the bacteria can be airborne. We can only suppose Repo caught it in the emergency room when he got his eye sewn up. The doctor's attitude to all my questions is "Until the lab results come in and we know what kind of bacteria it is, all I can tell you to do is wash your hands." Not much help. By the time the lab results come in, I could spread it to everyone I know.

Probably the most inconvenient thing about it is that it cannot get wet. Have you ever tried to take a shower without getting your ass wet? Yeah, it doesn't work. So I have to lean over the tub and wash body sections one at a time. And the whole time, I have to pose in angles which don't allow water to run down my back and get my butt wet. It takes about 45 minutes. It's very tiring.

It's probably a staph infection, so it could be serious if left unattended. It's also going to be hard to get rid of. That's why I'm really pumped up with antibiotics right now. That's also why I leave nasty messages on Repo's voice mail every day. Messages like: "Hi. It's me. I can't sit down. In case you forgot, this is all your fault. And P.S.--I hate you. Bye."

He knows I'm kidding. Kinda.

It's also really really painful, especially when they go to change the dressing. It feels like they are taking steel wool and grinding it into the open sore. It hurts so badly that I literally cry and want to punch the doctor in the face. It's the most painful thing I've ever had. It even beats out migraines. There is no way labor is this painful. No way.

Which is why they gave me a prescription for Vicodin. Let me tell ya--I'm having a good time about 45 minutes after taking that. Remember how Anna Nicole Smith was when she was fat and out of it? That's exactly how I am. It's like I'm drunk. I have no internal dialogue and I talk very loudly, according to Repo. And K thinks I'm hilarious when I take it because I bump into furniture and dance to music videos. In case you've never had it, Vicodin doesn't really numb anything so much as you just don't care about anything. Like that scene from Sex and the City where Miranda gets eye surgery and Steve asks her: "Are you okay?" and she replies, "I'm on Valium. Everything's okay." I have never felt so relaxed in my life. It's like vacation in pill format. I had a grin on my face for four hours. Then I passed out.

While I'm a lot better than I was, it will take about 3 more weeks for this to clear up. The good thing is, I caught it very early. But I have to get the dressing changed every other day. So I'll be sponge-bathing and wacked out on meds for a little while. Hopefully no one I know and love will get one. And I'm crossing my fingers that I won't get any side effects from the antibiotics. (Ladies, you know what I mean!) But the doctor did a really good job last night. I noticed a big difference this morning. At least today I can sit.

And yes, I'm leaving out lots of gross parts. Trust me, you don't want to know the dirty details of this kind of infection. Just wash your hands constantly. And pray really hard that you don't get one. On your ass or anywhere else.

Now, when I say that my boyfriend is a pain in my ass, it can be taken literally.

Crushed Potpourri?

No theme to this post. Just random tidbits I've been meaning to share. A mish-mashed potpourri, so to speak. Ok, maybe there is a theme, which will be evident later...but first.....

Forgot to post a Fun Friday entry. As punishment, I found an extra site for you. Thanks to my coworker L and Lady Starfish for showing/reminding me of these funny sites.

Peeps Research (in honor of Easter)

You've heard of Pimp My Ride. Well, check out Pimp My Snack.

Has anyone else been getting a lot of junk email lately, out of nowhere? I never used to get it, and suddenly I am. I don't think it's spyware, because the junk emails have nothing to do with sites I visit. I mean, really, I am not interested in buying stock or Viagra. Those words are not even used in my vocabulary, let alone my web surfing. I haven't changed my security settings on my email...it's weird. Not to mention annoying and ego-deflating. "Wow! I have 43 new messages....oh. Not really. Dang!"

Question for Blogger: For blogs that require word verification before you can leave a comment, why not use real, actual words, instead of "xxghiuz" or "rhqil"? It's so much easier to type "zebra" or something. Help us out, Blogger. Sheesh.

I'm wondering if I'm a commitment-phobe since it took me 5 years to commit to getting a dog. At this rate, I'll get married when I'm 73 and buy a house when I'm 49. And just forget kids! My ovaries will be shriveled beyond recognition by the time I am ready to commit the time and energy.

So there's something I haven't shared yet and have been meaning to: I have some secret crushes. One is my hot neighbor. K and I both think he's adorable. Other than some friendly "hey!"s we haven't talked. He does kinda make me wish I was single....is that bad? I've noticed there is no girl around at his place, but he tends to go out of town on the weekends. Hmmm... Shut up! I'm not going to do anything! I'm not like that. It's just that usually when I have a boyfriend, other men become invisible to me. This little harmless crush probably means I'm not in love with Repo. Not that it couldn't happen. It just hasn't happened yet. I think I'm holding back on my emotions because he doesn't seem to be in love with me. I mean, he likes me, but that's a long ways away from being in love with someone. I am not going to invest my emotions when he's not doing it either. Although, he has been really sweet lately...and he kept staring at me last night....but I could have had something stuck in my teeth for all I know!

Crap! I'm not supposed to blog about that kind of stuff. Moving on...

My other secret crush is at home (at The Czarina's house). Are you sitting down? She's trying to fix me up with this really cool and super-cute guy. I know. I think this is groundbreaking history in the making. Who can say that their mom is actually fixing them up with a hottie? It definitely makes up for the weirdo she fixed me up with in high school. That guy was basically my opposite--he loved Jethro Tull. Eww, eww eww. (No offense to any Tull fans, but I really hate that music.) I am a huge rap fan. Do the math. That was just the beginning of how badly we meshed.

So this fix-up guy, I'll call him Mr. Cool. Why? Because he has a great dog. And it goes with him everywhere. No exceptions. It goes with him to work, to the store, everywhere. The friggin' dog will wait outside of church while he attends it with his mother! It just sits there. Waiting. Know what he does in his spare time? He rides bulls. Yeah, as in he's a sexy cowboy who rides wild animals, risking life and limb just for some fun. How hot is that?? Yee-ha! Saddle me up. Did I mention that he's really really good to his mother, who is trying to fix me up with him, too? (I'm already in with the Moms! Yess!) Did I mention that he is a structural engineer whose job it is to oversee multi-million dollar building projects? Again, how cool is that? He even lives in Richmond, Va. I love Richmond. It's only an hour from The Czarina's house. Even my brothers like him. Oh, are you ready for the bonus? He has a great ass. Just great.

So...the problem? He has no idea I'm breathing right now. Oh, I've met him. He acted like he was being introduced to a distant relative. Polite, nice, but that's it. Not an ounce of interest in me, as I was standing there, falling all over myself, drool pooling on my collar. "Please please please let me have your babies," I thought as I stared maniacally at him. He's the coolest guy I've ever met and it's never going to happen. Dang! I'll just have to pine away for him, I guess. It's better to have someone like Repo, who appreciates me and wants to be with me. I really should stop with the Mr. Cool crush. It would help if I never saw him again, but I know that won't happen. Every time I go home...

Speaking of crushes...so I'm minding my own business at work the other day. Just sitting at the desk...when someone calls my name. I look up to see an attractive guy who looks vaguely familiar. He sits down and we begin to catch up, while I'm racking my brain trying to remember who the heck he is. Bits and pieces surface from my memory: His name is M, I met him through L....I think we dated...or something. Meanwhile, I'm trying to have a conversation with him. He remembers everything about me, despite the fact that it had been about 3 years since we had hung out. It was kind of unnerving. I get freaked out when people seem to know more about me than vice versa. We had a nice conversation, and I was left wondering why he had never made it to Boyfriend Status with me. Then I started to get this nagging feeling in the back of my brain: He pissed me off about something. He deceived me, I think. There was some guilt on my part.... But I couldn't remember! I figured it was just my imagination, so I went back to doing what I was doing.

Later on in the day, it hit my brain like a train wreck. The memories flooded back: It was a fix-up. But I was sorta-kinda seeing The Big Ex, who was in Afghanistan at the time. (It was rocky between us at the time.) M and I hit it off, and were starting to head down the dating path, despite my feelings of guilt about it. (I don't do well with open-ended relationships. Even though things were rocky between me and Big Ex.) There was a lot of chemistry. And you know where that leads....then M confessed. He wasn't exactly divorced yet. Just separated. Yeah, he was telling me this after I was naked. (Luckily, it was before...) The rest is foggy, but I think I threw him out of my apartment and vowed to hate his guts ever after....or something like that.

My coworkers had seen him talking to me, and wanted the scoop. I told them generally what had happened, and one of them said M had been wearing a wedding band. Oh boy. I would like to just avoid him altogether, because all I can think now is "He's seen me naked. He was still married. He IS still married." and I'm totally mortified. So now I have to hide in my office when he comes in to the library. I am not cool with being The Other Woman! This is not a goal to which I aspire! Now he comes in all the time. And he always tries to talk to me. He always asks about Repo--you know, keeping track of my relationship status just in case. Good grief! My past is haunting me!

Speaking of Repo (wow, this post just has all kinds of circles in it! Round and round we go!), his eye is better, but now the doctor says he has this abscess. (Warning: if you have a sensitive stomach, you probably don't want to click on that.) I think it's related somehow to his original eye injury, because it is near his eye. Doc said Repo could have gotten infected when he was in the emergency room or during the fight--there's no telling. Doc had to send a sample to the lab to see what kind of bacteria it is so he'll know what kind of antibiotics to give Repo. I'm not getting into details, but it's pretty much the grossest thing ever. One half of his whole face is really swollen. And he's in a lot of pain. He just called me to say it looks a lot better today--the swelling is down and it's not as painful, thanks to his treatment yesterday and his very strong medicine. So he went to work, even though he's probably a week away from it being healed up.

While at work, the (*ahem*) gauze came out. (Yes, I said "out", not "off". Use your imagination.) That's not supposed to happen. So he's got to go to the doctor now. Do you know what his boss (whom I will now refer to as The Pig) said? "Well, you can go to the doctor on your lunch break." Can you believe that s--t?? I mean, if one of your employees comes to you with a swollen, bleeding, gaping sore on the side of their head, I really don't think it's too much to ask that they be allowed to go to the doctor. So now, Repo doesn't get a lunch break today. He doesn't eat breakfast and he doesn't get off work until 9 pm, so he doesn't get to eat today--12 hour shifts apparently do not warrant more than one break. *VB does the angry dance of rage.*

The Pig should be glad I wasn't there to hear this go down, because I would have pummeled him on the skull with a stapler or something until he pleaded with me for mercy on his soul. Then I would have stomped him in the crotch--with my cute high heeled sandals-- as he lay before my feet, begging. *VB leaves to daydream this scene for a moment.*

When I get off work, I'm going to take Repo some food. Poor disgusting thing. (I must like someone to see them when they look like he does! Trust me! It's nasty!) He says he feels hideous and won't appear in public.

"I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame!" he keeps saying, emphatically. What a drama queen.

"No, sweetie, you look worse than that," I reply.

Then he gets mad.

Then I call him Pus Head.

Then he tells me to shut up or he'll infect me. (It is contagious if I were to touch the wound. Um, ew. Like I would get near that thing. As if.)

Then I tell him that he'd better go to the doctor or else his entire head will get infected-- his eyes, his nose, or--worse yet--his ears. (Gah! There is something about ear problems that just grosses me out beyond belief!!!) "Then your head will have to be amputated," I explain, "But actually, now that I think about it, that would be an improvement."

"I hate you," he replies.

We've had this conversation about four times now. Poor baby.