Digital Hysteria

I decided to take a break from all my stressful moving duties and started looking for something to make me laugh.

I found a website that I can't believe I have never heard of: Stuff White People Like. It is a riot. Ever wonder why we like Farmer's Markets? Or Girls With Bangs? Or why we are ok with Taking a Year Off? This website explains (in a tongue-in-cheek way) why white people act the way they do. It's been very enlightening thus far. I'm learning a lot about myself. Because I'm about as white as it gets.

And of course, I am relying on my old stand-bys for a Friday afternoon laugh: FAIL blog, Engrish and LOL Dogs. If you don't know these, you can do a google search for them.

But what I really want to share with you is this video my coworker sent to me today. It's about the whole digital tv deadline in a few weeks. You know -- regular tvs won't work anymore and we all have to get digital cable or converter boxes, yada yada. OMG I was crying laughing at this. I watched it twice it was so funny. Enjoy, y'all. And have a great weekend!!!

Classic VB Moment

Last Friday, things were pretty slow at work. A coworker and I were just messing around on the internet, and ended up looking at a photo of a topless woman. (No, I am not telling you what we were looking at, but it was NOT porn. I know you don't believe me, but oh well.)

My coworker pointed at the photo and said, "Look at that. Do you think they airbrushed her nipples out?"

Without skipping a beat, I replied, "Oh no. My nipples look just like that in photos."

*I realize what I just said, only too late.*

*awkward silence*

And then we both burst out laughing.

Fun Fall Stuff!

Fall is such a fun and exciting season. You have cooler weather, beautiful leaves, Halloween, yummy apples, football, school starts...and this year, we have the election to boot.

Although we are still wearing flip-flops and dealing with 90 degree temperatures here in SC as we watch the weather report closely (Hurricane Ike is a Category 4 -- EEK!), I can tell that fall is coming. I can't wait to put on boots and turtlenecks.

I'm rambling. What I wanted to share with you today are some fun things I have found on the Internet, and they all happen to be fall-related. Here goes.

Back to School: Ever wonder what your hair would have looked like if you were in an old yearbook? Go to Yearbook Yourself and see what you would have looked like back in the day. I was crying laughing at this site, y'all. It is hysterical. Even funnier when I used CN's photo and saw what he would have looked like in the male photos. Don't forget to save the pics and email them to your friends. This is my favorite site, I swear.

Election: Is anyone else thinking that Sarah Palin is a dead ringer for Tina Fey? Cuz I am! Check out this photo:
I hope SNL jumps on this ASAP. Is Tina guest hosting any time soon? I'm sure the writers could come up with something. If not Palin, Tina could also do a fantastic Winona. Check this one out:
They could all be sisters!

Football: First of all, I would like to say how freakin' awesome it was that Alabama beat Clemson this past weekend. Not only do I not like Clemson, but I am a huge Alabama fan. Roll Tide!!!! I am hoping that Nick Saban can lead the Tide to a winning season this year. After so many heartbreaks in the last few years, it's nice to see this happen. :) My whole family is full of Tide fans. Not only did my dad attend Bama and play for Bear, but he also used to teach there. He remembered seeing Joe Namath throwing a football around in the school cafeteria!

And now, The Czarina is starting to become a South Carolina fan, although this is more to do with her 40-year-long crush on Steve Spurrier than anything else. Every time I bring up his name, I have to listen to her say, "Oh, I have had the hots for him since he was a quarterback for Florida!" -- she's such a dork.

Oh, but what I was going to say.......The Czarina sent me this funny email, describing the differences between college football down south vs. college football up north. It was too good not to share. (I have added a little bit myself!):

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. Wear jeans & sweatshirt.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for. Wear cocktail dress in team colors, complete with coordinating heels and sterling silver jewelry with team mascot charms.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people. College football stadiums can hold the entire population of certain small countries.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never Broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band... who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. A 16-hour day of eating and drinking takes place, followed by a giant bonfire at midnight.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the state's third largest city. Game days are responsible for approximately 25% of the college town's economy.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumb**ch - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumb***h - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. He is the 3rd generation announcer for the team. But you probably knew that already, because there's a bronze statue of his grandfather by the press box.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.

Sundays:
NORTH: Sleep in or go to church. Don't think about football until next week. Slowly gain anticipation for basketball or hockey season instead.
SOUTH: If you get up in time for church, you smell like bourbon and listen to a football-related sermon, then run home to watch all the press conferences, team football shows and coach interviews that you recorded while you were at church. Eat, sleep and breathe college football until January.

[Y'all, I wish I was kidding, but these are all pretty much true!! As for the lightbulb jokes below, we have all got to learn to laugh at ourselves, right?]

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football! And for SEC Fans:
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.

At FLORIDA: It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA: It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY: It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE: It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, “GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".

At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA: It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

CN is recording the South Carolina/Vandy game for me right now. I can't wait to run home after work and go watch it!!! Go Cocks!!

Unfortunately, I don't know if the Alabama game will be televised on Saturday...but it's ok. I'm sure I will read all about it in the paper! You'd have to live under a rock to get away from SEC football down here. :)

Father Knows Best?

My only non-Czarina day off for the month of June was Father's Day. Which meant that I had to go with CN to spend it with his family. Which was fine. I guess. I usually spend Father's Day trying to forget that it's Father's Day. Every year, I feel pangs of grief, because I miss my dad so much. And Father's Day is always near what would have been his birthday, too. So June is kind of hard for me. But I wanted to hang out with CN, since it was my day off.

I like his family, and his dad is sick, so you know, it wasn't the end of the world. Even though I didn't have to go, it's almost a familial obligation at this point. His parents love me and he and I have been dating too long for me to skip out on family gatherings. But it was my ONLY day off. *sigh* So I sucked it up and went to church with them and then back to their house for some of his mother's yummy food. (Best macaroni & cheese EVER)

I was afraid I would get antsy to get home, but I ended up having a really good time. CN and his sisters told me stories about their childhood, and they were all hilarious. CN's whole family is extremely funny. My favorite story was about a cat that CN had when he was very young. One day, the cat disappeared. When CN asked his dad where his cat went, his father told him that the cat had to go. You see, it worked for a logging company, and it had to go drive the logging truck.

Maybe you had to be there, but this mental image left me crying laughing. I was picturing this little cat, driving a big rig, paws outstretched to steer the huge wheel. It reached up to grab its CB radio, only to meow into the speaker. After I stopped laughing, CN pointed out that this mental image is eerily similar to an old SNL skit, which I had forgotten all about -- Toonces, the Driving Cat.



Right before we left to go back to Columbia, I was in the living room, alone with CN's dad. He was showing me old photographs of his ancestors and telling me stories about them. The photographs were in double frames -- the ones where you have one person on the left and one person on the right. Each double frame showed a husband/wife duo, and these frames were lined up along a desk, in chronological order. Based on the clothing worn in the photographs, I would say that some of these photos went all the way back to pre-Civil War times. (Which I think is SO COOL, because I'm such a history buff.)

He tells me a story about each person -- the Civil War veteran, the adopted daughter, the preacher, etc. One great-great grandfather drowned in a logging accident (I guess logging was the theme of the day), and since the Edisto River was full of logs when he fell in, and it was in the middle of the winter, they couldn't retrieve his body for THREE weeks. Ugh. Gross.

So we are working our way through the generations, and I'm asking him questions, and it's all very interesting. We started to get to more modern times, and we got to CN's parents. We talked about those photos, and finally, we are on the last double frame. It's a photo of CN, from the day he graduated high school. He told me to pick it up.

"You know who that is, of course," CN's dad said.

"Yeah. It's CN," I replied.

"And you see what's next to his photo?" he continued.

"There's nothing there. There is no photo," I said.

"I know. You'd better talk to that boy about that!" he exclaimed.

WOW. I didn't know what to say, other than, "Um, I think that needs to be his idea. I can't talk to him about that."

CN's dad kept repeating that I need to talk to CN about it. I was starting to get a little self-conscious, when CN came back in the room.

"What are you two talking about? Talk to me about what?" CN asked.

"NOTHING!" I said loudly, putting the picture frame back on the desk.

Smooth, VB. Real smooth.

"You ready to go, honey?" I asked.

It may have been my imagination, but I think CN's dad winked at me.

Music Lessons

About a week ago, I stopped by CN's house when I got home from work. I just wanted to say hi and see how his day went. Lately, with me working two jobs, our time together has been cut back significantly, and so I like to have 15 minutes of re-connection before I head off to my part time job.

As soon as he opened the door, I knew something was wrong. Whenever he's in a bad mood, he turns his music up really loudly. Plus, he was holding a beer -- drinking at home alone is something he only does when he's in a bad mood*. At first, he denied that anything was wrong, but I dragged it out of him -- he was in a bad mood, but didn't really know why.

Being the paranoid girl that I am, of course I assume that he's annoyed with me and doesn't want me around because I am obviously irritating him. (Yes, I know this is an illogical assumption, as he was in a mood before I knocked on his door, but I'm a girl, and that's what girls do.) So I left and went to work, trying not to worry about the situation. Which wasn't easy -- I don't like it when someone I care about is upset and I can't help them.

When I got home, he called me and explained.

"I figured it out," he said. "I think I'm just bored. I am worried about my dad** and I'm stressed out about work. I feel like I have no outlet. All I do is watch tv and work. I used to have hobbies."

"Ok, good. That's good that you figured out what was wrong. Thanks for telling me, because I was worried," I replied. "Well, I know that exercise really helps me relieve stress. Maybe you could start going to the gym again."

He was not interested in this idea.

"Ok, well, you liked having drum lessons. Why don't you start those back up?" I suggested.

Drum lessons were too expensive. He wanted to try guitar instead.

"Don't you have a guitar?" I asked, remembering the white guitar I'd seen at his house.

"Yes, but it's electric. I want to play acoustic. But I don't have an acoustic guitar," he said.

I will spare you the details of the rest of this conversation, but what it amounted to was this: he knew what he wanted to do to enjoy his preferred hobby, but was unwilling to do the work/spend the money to get there. It was like he was determined to stay unhappy about his boredom. He kept finding excuses why he couldn't do what he wanted to do. He was Little Mr. Pessimist. This left me frustrated with him and worried about him.

If he didn't do something, this mood might get worse. Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. And I know what it feels like to have stress bottled up inside of you with no way to let it out. I know what it's like to worry about a parent's health and yet, at the same time, wish you had something to take your mind off of it, if only for a little bit. Television, video games and naps only distract you so much. There comes a point where you need something that can take over your whole brain at the same time, so that you can just. stop. thinking. about. it. For me, it's running. And for CN, it's playing a musical instrument.

So I finally convinced him to start looking around on Craigslist and in the newspaper for a good deal on a used guitar. He found one for $75 -- a stellar deal, if I do say so myself. But he didn't buy it. He had some lame excuse for why he didn't go through with it.

That's when I realized that he would never go out and buy the guitar for himself, and that I would have to help him get started on this. For whatever reason, his own happiness and peace of mind was not something he was willing to prioritize.

I remembered that my coworker had been trying to sell her acoustic guitar for some time, but hadn't found a buyer. So I bought it and surprised CN with it. I also checked out some guitar books from the library for him and gave him all the information about the Guitar for Beginners class here at the school where I work. I told him that the guitar was on me, but he had to pay for the lessons himself! And I wasn't giving him the guitar so that it could sit in a corner and not be played. So he signed up for the $90 class, which goes for 5 weeks -- a pretty good deal.

He was really overwhelmed and happy! I got a lot of girlfriend points!!!! Yay!!!!

His first class was last night, and he came over to tell me all about it. I could tell he had really enjoyed it. He kept insisting that he pay me back for the guitar, but I refused. That's when all the truth started to come out...

"Please, let me pay you back for the guitar. That's $100 you could have used to pay off more of your credit card debt," he said.

"Wait! How do you know I paid $100?!" I said, looking at him suspiciously.

"Well, you told me you got it for half price, and I looked it up on the internet," he explained.

"Don't do that!!!" I yelled. "It's a gift! You don't look up gift prices!! Stoppit! Don't ever do that again!!" I shoved him in the shoulder. I can't believe he did that.

"No, babe, I really should pay you back. I know you thought I was all depressed and stuff, but I was really just drunk when I said all that stuff," he explained.

*I absorbed this for a second.*

"What?" I asked, growing a little angry. I think my hand may have been on my hip. I know my eyebrow was raised.

"Yeah, I had had like, four beers by that point.*** Don't get me wrong! I love it! And I am really enjoying the lessons. I am! And you're right, I never would have bought it for myself. I just feel bad, because you went out of your way, when really it was just the beer talking," he continued.

(Ok, so maybe he was getting trashed by himself.)

"Well, maybe from now on, you should get drunk and ask for stuff, because apparently, it totally works on me," I replied, sarcastically.

As if on cue, my boyfriend immediately imitates a drunk version of himself, and proceeds to start asking for a Trans Am, just like the one Smokey drove, complete with mag wheels.

Which made me laugh.

And that's why I love him, and buy him guitars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Not that he was getting trashed by himself, as that would concern me. We are talking a couple of beers here.
** I think I have mentioned how CN's dad is not doing well, healthwise. He's been having chemo and radiation for his metastasized prostate cancer. His leg muscles are pretty much fried -- he can't really walk anymore. His prognosis is not good at all. I can tell it's starting to take up more and more of CN's thoughts.
*** Yes, my boyfriend is a lightweight. He got blitzed off of two shots of sake once.

What's Wrong with This Picture?

I know I don't talk about work a whole lot on here, because I don't want to get dooced.

But this was too good not to share. And I am providing no identifying characteristics of the library where I work.

I would like to preface this post with the following: I like my coworkers. The vast majority of them are very pleasant and nice people. The lady I mention in this post is one of the pleasant and nice ones. So I'm going to try and not make fun of her on here today, because she's always been nice to me. But we have been laughing about the following all afternoon, because she really had a "D'oh!" moment. Here goes.

Ok, when you go to any library, sometimes things are on hold at the desk. These are called "reserves". Reserve items cannot leave the library, but they can be checked out for in-library use. A couple days ago, we had a teacher come in and ask us to place a book on reserve here at our library. She had just bought it, it was very expensive and she didn't want the students to take it home -- that way, all her students could use it. So categorizing this book as a reserve book made sense. The book was brand-new and came with little supplement booklets, and they are all shrink-wrapped together.

Now, in order to check anything out to students, books and other things need to be entered into our computer system so that we can keep track of them. Even reserve items need to be entered into the computer system. During this process, each item receives its own unique barcode, which is scanned any time someone uses it. That way, when someone checks it out, we scan the little barcode, and the computer knows who has it, when it's due, etc.

Well, this coworker of mine ended up putting this new book on reserve. These photos show what it looked like when she was done. Anyone see anything wrong with this picture????

The little red sticker says "Library Use Only". Can you see what's wrong yet?
Ok, this picture really shows you where she stuck the label for the class, so we will know which book the students need. (Oh! I just realized that is my arm in the photo!) See any problems now?
Finally, here is the barcode that needs to be scanned any time someone checks it out.....are you seeing why we are giggling about this? Yeah. We're hoping that maybe she was just distracted when she was labeling the book.......tee hee.
Maybe the students can use osmosis to learn what's in the book? Or perhaps only psychic students can use it? Or Superman? I guess they could always just use it as a paperweight.

Anyway, I want to see what happens when she goes to check it out to someone. I want to see what the student says. And I really want to see what she says when they bring it back to her!

Have a good weekend everyone.

Uh Oh! Hot Dog Monkey on My Back!

Well, between working two jobs, dog sitting and living my life, my blog has been sorely neglected, and I apologize. And if I am not posting to my blog, that also means I am not reading your blog. So I apologize for that, too. When I get a minute, I will try to catch up with everyone.

Things have happened, but nothing really adds up to a full post. So I am here to give you the highlights:

1. My new part time job at Dildo's dept store is fine. I guess. I mean, it's retail. So you're pretty bored most of the time. But it's easy money. I have stuff to share (Ok, more like bitching to do), but I will get into that later.

2. Biggie, the dog I kept over the Memorial Day Week (yeah, it was almost a week, so that's what I'm calling it -- the dog was at my house for 5 days!), turned out to be.....a total asshole. He would start whining at FOUR in the morning and would not stop. My house is so small that moving his crate into the spare bedroom didn't work -- I could still hear him. So after the first sleepless night, I stayed at CN's house for the rest of the week.

Then, CN went to walk him and Sammy one night while I was at work. He called me:

CN: Hey babe. Just checking on the dogs for you. Um, where do you keep your band-aids?
VB: Why do you need band-aids?
CN: Well, cause I was throwing the ball with the dogs, and they sort of...got into a fight.
VB: What?! Are they ok?
CN: Yeah, I think. Biggie bit Sammy's ear. I think. One of them is bleeding. I'm pretty sure it's Sammy. Should I put a band-aid on it?

*exasperated sigh on my part*

VB: No, dogs don't wear band-aids, honey. Is Sammy ok?
CN: Yeah, he seems to be acting normal. Hey, babe, where do you keep your uh, carpet cleaner?
VB: *slightly panicky* Did they get blood on the carpet? Or on the rug my mom got me???!!

*CN tries to describe where the blood is, but I have no idea what he's talking about, because he's a boy and doesn't know the difference between the terms "rug" and "carpet" and "slipcovered sofa", and I didn't feel like teaching a home decorating vocabulary lesson, so I just told him to squirt some of the carpet cleaner on it*
*CN does as instructed.*

CN: Ok, um, what do I clean it up with?
*I tell him where the rags are and tell him where to put the dirty rag when he's done.*

CN: Ok, I did that.
*A commotion erupts in the background*

CN: Ok, um, Biggie just barfed.
VB: Oh God. Where?
CN: Right next to me. Oh Jeez, it's everywhere.
VB: *panicking again* Is it on the rug or the carpet? Or on the couch? Wait, forget I asked. Just clean it up.
CN: Oh! Wait! No big deal. He's licking it back up! Yeah! Good boy, Biggie!
*another exasperated sigh on my part*

Sammy's ear is fine, and there were no more Biggie problems (well, except the poop he left for me in the living room...but that was my own fault...) for the rest of the week. But I'm never sitting Biggie again. Ever. He is like having 5 dogs, all wrapped up in one tiny Jack Russell body. And my poor little head cannot handle his incessant barking. And my sleeping schedule cannot handle his whining. So my house is officially a No Biggie Zone. Please don't tell my friend Super. I sort of down-played all of his bad behavior.

3. I had a dream the other night that CN and I were down visiting his parents. He had mentioned that he wanted to meet up with someone named Heather, but I forgot about it when I was helping his parents prepare for the huge storm heading straight for their house. After the storm was over, CN was nowhere to be found, so I texted him to see where he was. "I'm playing poker with Heather at McAir's." -- McAir's was a bar. I can't remember what he said after that, but what it boiled down to was that he was hanging out with some girl named Heather and he wanted me to leave him alone. He blew me off! So I spent the rest of the dream crying and feeling hurt. When I woke up, it was difficult not to be angry at him, actually!

And no, there is no Heather in real life, unless you count my friend Mr. Bill's wife.

4. Speaking of CN's parents, they were in a pretty bad storm about 2 weeks ago. Their house was near a tornado that went through the area -- this is probably why I had that dream. Anyway, they don't know if they were hit by an actual tornado, but 4 windows in their house were blown out, as well as all the windows in their truck. The hail was so big, it left big divots in their yard and dents all over their truck! I think it messed up their roof, too. They are fine, but had to file some insurance claims.

5. I was in the dog house with CN last weekend. We wanted to grill out, but I had to go to work that night, so we planned on eating an early dinner at 3pm. Three came and went. I waited and waited and waited....and finally gave up and ate by myself. Little did I know, he was over at his house, grilling up a massive feast of food: chicken, tilapia, burgers, corn and hot dogs. He came over at about 5 to tell me the food was ready, and like a dumbass, I blurted out that I already ate and was running late for work, so I didn't have time to eat anything he had made. He was pissed. Oops. I apologized and explained that I wanted to eat at 3, not 5. He pointed out that I should have called to see what was going on. He was right. But then I pointed out that he was crazy for making all this food for just the two of us. He was upset but said he'd get over it. I went to work. By the time I got home later on, I was STARVED, so I came over and ate a bunch of it. That seemed to soothe his hurt feelings. I still feel terrible about it. He had been cooking all afternoon for me. Good thing I made him some cookies. I think that helped, too.

6. You all know how much of a total sugar addict I am. I mean, at this point, I think an intervention is in order. It is that bad. If you don't believe me, consider today's realization:

MJ is stuck at work, craving chocolate desperately. Unfortunately, she has no money for the vending machine. (Why none of her coworkers can bum her 50 cents is another issue, but whatever...) I told her that if she wants, she can come over to my house after work to have some of my chocolate. That's when I realized I have all of the following at my house right now:

chocolate ice cream (fat free)
chocolate pudding (sugar free and fat free)
Jell-O pudding pops (some are chocolate)
chocolate covered pretzels
chocolate Twizzlers (ok, actually, I polished those off last night...)
Nestle Qwik drink mix (sugar free)
Hershey's chocolate syrup
hot chocolate (diet)
chocolate chex mix
brownie mix
chocolate cake mix
chocolate frosting

I. AM. A. FREAK.

Jeez, I could open up a Chocolate Store with all that!!! And this isn't even including the non-chocolate sweets at my house. I have Jolly Ranchers, whip cream.....and maybe some animal crackers.

I think it's pretty safe to say that I have an addiction to the little white crystals, and I don't mean crack. I want to get off the white stuff, I swear! But I just can't do it! I know I would lose so much weight if I could just STOP the sweet tooth. Because I don't eat all that badly, outside of the sweets. But I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE sweets. *sigh*

So yeah, the monkey on my back? It's still there. Although I can now run 3 miles and knock out all kinds of weight lifting, my muscular under-bod is still encased in a squishy layer of blubberized sugar. And thanks to MJ, now I am specifically craving chocolate. *sigh*

6. And thanks to CN, who started joking with me today about the following video, I am now craving hot dogs, too.
Will Ferrell As Harry Carey

7. If the rain holds out, hopefully I will be able to get one at the baseball game tonight. A big group of us is planning on going. Since it's the season opener, the tix are half price, the beer is a buck and there are fireworks afterwards! YAY!!!

8. Speaking of funny hot dog videos, I can't forget to share this one. I love MadTV, and especially Bobby Lee. He cracks me up!

Mr. Comedian & The Cruise

A conversation with my boyfriend, via text message:

Me: I just saw your twin! [On a side note, this guy looked so much like CN, I did a double-triple take!]

CN: You saw Brad Pitt?

Me: *playing along* Yes! He's on campus for some reason.

CN: Tell him he owes me 8 bucks for that Meet Joe Black movie.

And earlier today on myspace:

Me: Babe! Did you know there might be a chocolate buffet on our cruise???!!

CN: Well, I guess if we get separated, I will know where to find you.

Ha. Ha. Mr. Comedian.

I haven't told you about the dream I had, have I? I had a dream the other night that CN and I were getting married. I was arguing with the lady at the dress store about the design of my wedding dress. It was (oddly enough) strapless and blue and white striped. The fabric was silky, and the stripes were small and even-width. There was embellishment at the bust. The dress looked very strange, actually. Ugly, even. No offense to you if you like striped wedding dresses., but this one did not look good. Obviously, if you are reading this and you know CN in real life, you are NOT allowed to inform him of this dream. On penalty of death. Dude, I'm not kidding. Zip it.

I know I said I would talk about the cruise today. Here's some stuff I want to share:

1. Our ship, the Celebration, is the second-oldest ship in the Carnival fleet. Its maiden voyage was in 1987, and the decor reflects this. (Hell-o neon signs and super-bright colors! Ugh.) But word on the streets is, they make up for this with their fantastic service. The maitre d is supposed to be hilarious. The Broadway-themed show is supposed to be great, one of the comedians is a riot and the waiters remember what drink you like to drink at dinner. The room service is super-quick and the cabin attendants are thoughtful. I know all of this because I have been reading all the passenger reviews on Cruise Critic.

2. This will be kind of a special cruise, because the Celebration has recently been sold to a Spanish tourism company, and this summer it will be re-fitted for that cruise line, which does not sail in North America. We will be on the next-to-last sailing of this ship for Carnival. And since we will be sailing out of Jacksonville, we get to go under this huge bridge when we leave port. It's supposed to be really cool. I will try to take pics so I can share.

3. The showers in the cabins are difficult to control. The water will run from icy cold to blistering hot, and then back again, with no warning. This will piss me off, I can already tell you. But if this is the biggest complaint, I think I will be ok. :)

4. I am living in fear of getting sea sick, since we all know I am Barf Queen. I am coming prepared with the following: dramamine, ginger snaps, ginger altoids and those magnetic bracelet things. I should be fine -- I was on a small boat cruise around Lake Michigan once, and I was fine. But I'm still freaking out. If I do get sea sick, at least I will not be able to eat anything and I will lose weight, right??? But dude, if there's a chocolate buffet, I am eating it, even if I am sick. I don't care.

5. A month or two ago, right after embarkation, the captain of the ship was notified by the U.S. Marshals and the FBI that he must not go into International Waters quite yet. Why? Because there was a convicted murderer on board, running from the law, and they needed to arrest him before they hit International Waters. Yeah. Wowza. How did I know about this interesting little factoid? There's a website that keeps track of all the reports of insanity and zaniness aboard cruise ships. You can also look up the safety record of all the ships.

I encourage you to browse around it if you're bored -- some of the stories are hilarious, like the drunk guy who climbed into the life boat. He grabbed an ax (don't ask me where he got an ax) and began chopping away at the rope holding the life boat. Security approached him and told him to stop and climb down. He did. But he was so drunk, he jumped the wrong way -- into the ocean. What a dumbass.

Other people submit their rants about being on the "cruise from hell". One family, which included two small children, found themselves on board a cruise that consisted mainly of swingers. LOL now THAT is funny. How would you handle that as a parent, you know? LOL I imagine it's something like this:

Little Bobby: Hey, Daddy, that man over there said that he wanted to come to our room tonight to party with you and Mommy. I told him that would be fun, because you said I don't have a bedtime while we are on the boat!
Daddy: *gulp!* Uh...ok, we will have to see about that.
Little Bobby: Daddy, what's a rubber?

6. Of course, we all know what I'm really excited about: the food. Duh. Between the burgers, ice cream, pizza, chocolate buffet, Mexican buffet, pancakes, waffles, bacon, filet mignon, salmon, lobster, shrimp, chocolate hot lava cake, free room service and all the Diet Coke I can drink for $20, I am really looking forward to it! I can order as many dinners and desserts as I want! This truly sounds like heaven to me. *Realization about the reason for my weight loss problems set in* Crap. I am going to gain 10 pounds. Crap. Crap. Crap. Ok, I will pack my work out clothes in the hopes that I will want to go for an on-deck run. Which sounds like a blast, actually.

7. There is a penny slot machine in the casino. I am not much of a gambler, but I do have a penny jar I am not using....WOOT. There's also trivia contests (CN and I love to do those), bingo, karaoke, chess, putt-putt golf, game show-type things and a hairy chest contest by the pool.

"You should enter that!" I said to CN.

"That's not funny," he replied. CN has approximately 4 hairs on his skinny little chest. LOL

"But that's why you will win! Don't you see? It will be hilarious!" I exclaimed.

He did not agree. But I'll try and talk him into it. Perhaps I can bargain with him by participating in karaoke. (I am NOT a karaoke person. I can't sing for squat, and I don't like being in the spotlight, literally or figuratively.)

8. The locals in The Bahamas are nice, but very pushy when it comes to selling you things. I am hoping there will be a plethora of fake designer hand bags, prices negotiable. And some cute jewelry.

Ok, that's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there will be more to share after this weekend. I have so much to do before I go:

find a beach cover-up
stock up on self-tanner and sunblock
find a wide-brimmed hat
possibly buy a new bikini
dye my roots (I can't take it anymore! I do not want yucky roots in my photos!)
weed my backyard
get Sammy ready for his trip to MJ's house while I'm gone
clean my house
burn a CD to commemorate the trip
give myself a manicure and pedicure
clean out my fridge
learn how to operate CN's new camera (he won't take the time to learn, he said)
start packing!!!

I leave on Thursday morning, so I will probably post again before I go. WOO HOO!!! Have a great weekend, everyone!

Another Fun Friday

Ok, I have been saving up for this one. (I've been having a hard time finding FF stuff lately...)

How awesome is this blog??? Gotta love analytical people with a sense of humor. And I love that you can buy the tshirts. All the Boolean logic and Venn diagrams appeal to the librarian in me. And unless you're a librarian, you might be lost right now. Venn diagrams are something that librarians geek out on. I can totally explain them to you. No? Fine, suit yourself.

And for the record, I understand everything in the Boolean entry linked just now. Everything. It's crystal clear to me. As long as you take all the numbers out.

Do you remember typewriters? Cameras with flash bulbs that would burn out? How about floppy disks that were actually floppy? Or car phones? Have you ever wondered when things we use now will be only a distant memory? (I personally think compact discs are soon to be on the chopping block.) The Extinction Timeline predicts when things will become obsolete in our society. Tip: To get a better view of the graph image, you need to click on it. (My boss sent it to me because it predicts that libraries will be obsolete in the next 20 years. WTF?! As if!)

CN had a job interview on Wednesday. I sent him this Tony Little/Geico video, because it cracks me up, and I'm always yelling, "You can dooooowit!!!!!" So all week, I have been telling him the he can "doooowit!"



I found this website, Married to the Sea, through Toothpaste for Dinner. Both are great websites full of wacky comics. Some of them leave me scratching my head, but some of them leave me in stitches. Enjoy!

Have a great weekend, everyone! Happy Easter!

Mr. Safety

If you were to hang out with my boyfriend for a day, you would know why I call him "Mr. Safety". I have to say, I tease him about his overly-cautious lifestyle quite a bit.

Some of his own self-imposed rules include:

1. All doors shall remain locked at all times, unless you are going in or out of them. Once the passage is complete, any and all locks shall be re-locked. The same goes for windows, cars, sliding doors, gates and anything else with a lock on it. (I, on the other hand, have been known to make a "quick run" to the grocery store and leave my entire house wide open, including the front door, sometimes literally.)

2. All foods, unless individually wrapped or sealed, must be stored in the refrigerator. A "use by" date is just that. After the Constitution, this is the highest law of the land. Anything not consumed or used by then will automatically be thrown away. Anything without a "use by date" -- for example, homemade foods or restaurant takeout -- shall be thrown away in a 24-48 hour period. (I, on the other hand, have been known to say, "Food poisoning, schmood poisoning!" as I scrape the mold off of the strawberry jam and spread it onto the restaurant roll I've had for a week.)

Our differences in opinion on this topic came to a head one day, when I pointed out that sour cream cannot get any more sour, and therefore, the "use by" dates on the cartons are simply a conspiracy cooked up by dairy farmers in order to get us to buy more sour cream. (Yeah, I won that battle!)

3. Anyone who does not follow all traffic laws at all times and in all conditions is deemed an "asshole" and "law breaker". This includes: speed limits, turn signals, the wearing of seat belts, obeying "no right on red" signs, merging politely, stopping at yellow lights and proper use of headlights. I don't think it's any surprise that I have fallen into the "asshole" category many times, according to Mr. Safety.

In my defense, that stupid "no right on red" sign by our house is absurd, since one can clearly see if there's any oncoming traffic. And at some intersections here in town, if you don't turn left on a yellow light, you will be sitting at that intersection, trying to turn left, until you die.

4. Hand-washing or the use of hand sanitizer is obligatory in any of the following situations: everything. I, on the other hand, only think about washing my hands when I'm in a bathroom. (I like to think that the constant exposure to my own germy hands strengthens my immune system, and since Mr. Safety gets sick all the time whereas I never seem to catch anything but a cold, I rest my case.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So you can imagine my surprise about a week ago, when he came over to my house. We had talked about grabbing some dinner and going shopping, so when I opened my door, I asked him if he was ready to go grab some food.

"Yeah, but I've gotta take a shower," he replied.

"Ok, well, you can come in for a sec. I'm sure you don't stink too much."

"No, I've been doing yard work all afternoon," he explained. He held up his hands -- they were black as soot. He pointed to his shoes -- they were covered in dirt.

"Oh. Ok, yeah, please, just stay outside. You're filthy. Are you starving? I was thinking we could shop first and then get dinner," I said.

"Nah, I'm ok for right now. I had a snack," he replied.

"Yeah? What'd you have?" I asked.

"Oh, just some wild onions that were growing in my yard."

*Thirty second silence as I stare at him and blink.*

"I'm sorry," I said, "did you say 'wild onions'?"

"Yeah. You know, the ones that always grow in your yard. The little white ones, with the long green stems," he explained.

"I know what you mean. Just trying to clarify.........So, you got them from your backyard?"

"Yes."

"The same backyard that Sammy pees in when I bring him over?" I asked.

"Oh. I didn't think about that...." he trailed off.

"You eating anything else back there? Wild tomatoes? Wild carrots? I mean, maybe we could have a Wild Salad for dinner," I said, sarcastically.

"No, nothing else. Just the wild onions."

"Um.........ew, babe. Seriously, who does that? Tell me you at least washed the dirt off before you ate them," I said.

"Nah. Just sort of brushed the dirt off of them," he replied. Seeing the look on my face, he continued, "They're from the ground! They are natural! It's from the earth!"

"Well, so is Sammy's poop, but you don't go around munching away on it! Besides! Hello! Pesticides! This, from the man who won't eat restaurant leftovers???" I exclaimed, utterly confused.

"Well, I was covered in dirt, so I didn't want to go inside to get something, and I was hungry, and they were there, and they smelled good, so..." he tried to explain.

"Wait wait wait. So, you were hungry, and you thought, 'Hmmm. What would be a good snack? I know! Onions! Raw, wild onions!' ?" I said, laughing hysterically at this point.

He was growing indignant and defensive at this point, so I let it go after one final question:

"Tell me the neighbors didn't see you doing this," I said pleadingly.

"No, they didn't. But I do have onion breath."

Mr. Safety, indeed.

It's Friday!!!

Time for something fun!!!! YAY!! Weekend!!!

CN and I love this commercial, and we have started to say, "What the French, Toast?" to each other. *snicker* Hope you think it's as funny as we do.



CN told me about these next two videos. He said that I'm lucky Kelly doesn't live near here, or else I would have serious competition. *rolls eyes* My coworkers think they are a riot, but MJ doesn't think they are funny. All I know is, I can't stop saying, "Lemme borrow that top!"

*WARNING: These are NOT suitable for work or children! So turn your speakers down!*


Ok, I am STILL laughing about these Kelly videos, and I've watched them at least 5 times. This guy (whoever he is) needs to make more Kelly videos. Or else I will "betchslap" the stupid outta him!

Well, we all know this weekend is The Superbowl! This year I am hoping the Giants will win. My fam is full of Colts fans, so rooting for the Giants is as close as we can get. Besides, I like to root for underdogs. Although, Tom Brady is pretty hot.......OMG, girls, have you checked out the new Stetson ads? Yee-Ha, Cowboy! *faints into puddle on floor*

Where was I? Oh yeah. If you want to see some of the commercials that will air, check out this site.

Who are you cheering on in The Big Game? Do you have any fun plans?

Half a Thursday 13

I have been racking my brain for blog post topics, and nothing is gelling. Everything I come up with is either boring or not long enough to require its own post. I think I am getting writer's block again. *sigh* I will try to do better tomorrow. For now, this will have to suffice. I suck. I know. I just don't have a lot going on right now, peeps. Sorry.

1. Heath Ledger was apparently taking Ambien, and it sounds like they may have played a role in his death. (Obviously, we don't know for sure yet). I do not take sleeping pills, since my problem is usually trying to stay awake, but I know people who do take Ambien. And I have heard some crazy, crazy things -- my friends have done things while on Ambien and did not realize it until later, almost as if they were sleep-walking. I have friends who have had sex, driven their cars, had arguments with their boyfriends -- all while on Ambien. The scary part is, it seems that no one can tell when they are on Ambien or not. This is really scary to me, the thought of doing things while you are sleepwalking, and no one can tell you are sleepwalking. I'm actually kind of hoping the FDA will take another look at this drug, because I'm starting to think it is not safe.

2. I need to start planning something for Valentine's Day, and I need your help. CN said he already has mine all planned out. I know he is taking me out to dinner, but I don't know where. He won't tell me anything else.

I asked him what he wanted for Valentine's Day and he looked shocked. "What? You don't have to get me anything! It's Valentine's Day! I'm supposed to do something for you!" he replied. (Reason #5201 on the List of Reasons Why I Date Him). He told me that I should not do anything for him at all. Which basically went in one ear and out the other. So........does anyone have any good ideas?

I already have a small surprise for him. And I did talk him into letting me make him dinner the day after Valentine's Day. But I was thinking about getting him something small and inexpensive. Maybe a gag gift. And what should I cook? Steak and mashed potatoes? Spaghetti? Lemon chicken? I think I'm going to make him a heart-shaped cookie cake, too. Complete with a sappy message written in icing.

Yeah, I know. Barf.

But it is nice to finally have a good Valentine's Day, after last year's totally crappy one. So please, if you have any really good ideas, please share!!!!

3. Thank you, everyone for your supportive comments on my last post. I have lost a total of 3 pounds, somehow. I have good days, where I am totally on-track diet-wise, and other days, where I have the self-control of a toddler (helllooo, chicken fingers for dinner last night!!). It is nice to hit the gym again. I'm back to being able to run 2 miles without stopping, so that is good. Hopefully, I will get to my goal weight eventually. I am sore today from running. So I'm proud of myself, at least today.

4. I think that DVR will be the death of me. One of the ways I reward myself for going to the gym is by....sitting on my ass, watching all the shows I missed while I was at the gym. And for that, I am forever grateful to the inventor of DVR. But now, I have approximately 12 hours of tv watching to do. And I have to hurry, because I'm falling behind. Every week, there are new episodes of all my current favorite shows:

~Nip/Tuck (obviously!) -- and I haven't watched it this week, so don't spoil it for me!
~Biggest Loser -- thank you, CN, for getting me addicted to this 2-hour-long show!
~Celebrity Rehab -- I swear, VH1 makes the most vacuous-yet-addictive reality tv shows.
~My Fair Brady -- the new season just started. This is probably the most ridiculous waste of time on television, but I can't stop myself. They are just so dysfunctional!!!
~Any IU basketball games that happen to come on tv down here -- IMHO, they should ALL be broadcast down here, because we are ranked 7th right now!!!! YIPPEE!!!! Go Hoosiers!!!
~random shows from Courtv, History Channel, TLC and Discovery.

Oh, I almost forgot. There is a new show called Cashmere Mafia. I thought it was going to be a cheap SATC-wannabe, but I figured it probably at least had great clothes, so I recorded it just to check it out. And I was instantly hooked!!! If you liked SATC, give Cashmere Mafia a chance, girls! It's done by Darren Star, the same guy behind SATC, so it has the same vibe.

So that is about 13 hours of tv a week. Yeesh. The good news is, there's always something to watch. The bad news is that it's hard to watch it all in time. I have forced myself to set up the recordings to be automatically erased in 14 days. So I'm on a time crunch.

If any of you are also hooked on any of these shows, tell me so we can chat about it!!! What shows are you hooked on right now? Do you have any recommendations for me?

5. OMG, I cannot wait to pay my taxes!!!! I know that sounds crazy, but this year I should get a nice tax refund, thanks to my house. I am using all of my refund (Ok, most of my refund) to pay down some credit card debt. I can't wait! It will feel so good to write that check.

6. KT is moving back to her hometown in New York state, and MJ and I are really bummed. We only have 2 more weekends with KT. :( It won't be the same without her. It's like we are going to become the Two Musketeers. It's just not the same. I have that Paul Young song in my head: "Every time you go......away.....you take a piece of me.....with you......" *tears up* But I'm trying to stay positive about it, and I'm grateful for the fact that we live in a modern world, complete with airplanes, cell phones and myspace.

7. Jeez Louise...that's all I have going on??? My life is practically one big yawn. I apologize, guys. But between gym trips, work, errands, cleaning and hanging out with my peeps, I haven't had a lot of extra down time for super-great blogging lately. Something cool will happen soon, and then I won't have writer's block anymore. CN did send me some funny videos recently. MJ didn't like them, but I thought they were hilarious. Hopefully, I can at least make you laugh today. Enjoy! WARNING: These are NSFW videos, so wait until your boss leaves or your kids are napping before you watch them!

First Fun Friday of 2008

I don't know about y'all, but this week has draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagged.

It is only through the little Fun Friday-type tidbits that I make it through weeks like this.

1. Take for example, this AMAZING concept: losing weight by writing. Yeah. It's a new diet. Talk about my kinda diet! Sign me up! I can actually see how it would help to get your emotions out on paper so you don't smother them with food instead. It makes sense. Unfortunately, I'm not an emotional eater. In fact, when I'm upset, I stop eating. But I digress.

2. Over the holidays, my cousin (son of Favorite Aunt) proposed to his girlfriend. I have not met the bride-to-be yet, but Favorite Aunt adores her, and the bride's family adores my cousin, so everyone is happy and excited about this news. We haven't had a wedding in our family in several years, so this is really great. It turns out that the bride-to-be comes from a well-to-do Chicago family (ie, her parents paid for her out-of-state college tuition without using ANY loans), so the wedding should be pretty snazzy. It will be in May of 2009, and I'm already excited about it. My cousin is a sweetheart, not to mention super smart and ambitious.

It runs in the family, don't ya know.

I promise I'm going somewhere with this. I am really hoping that the bride doesn't have a wedding cake like this one, because this is just creepy as hell, not to mention, ego-maniacal.

3. And thanks to MJ for sending me this hysterical video today. Apparently, there's a whole series of these on YouTube, but I have never heard of them. I will probably be spending the rest of the afternoon watching them, though...[Warning: arachnophobes should skip this!]


4. Now here's a cool concept: Ever wish you could sort of test-drive your dream job? It turns out, you CAN!!! Which is a very exciting concept, especially if you are pretty much always looking for a job that is nothing like your current one, like *someone* I know. (Shhh!) I haven't read the fine print yet, but I think this is a free service. [Update: Ok, yeah, it costs an arm and a leg! Sorry! You basically buy a package where you get a couple of days job shadowing someone in that career.] Check out Vocation Vacation if you are interested.

5. Oh! If you love your pooch, or if you have a friend who loves their pooch, you may want to check out this other website recommended to me: SitStay. It has everything for dogs, from soup to nuts. Er, make that treats to beds. Or whatever. You know what I mean. It's nice to find websites for stuff like this, because PetSmart just doesn't have everything you need.

6. Before I go, I am going to tell you my most recent dream -- I have had a bunch of wacked-out dreams this week. I think someone was yelling at me in one dream, and something bad happened to Sammy in another. I can't really remember.

Luckily, I can only remember this one. It was nice. I dreamt that my grandfather (The Czarina's dad), whom I've never met, came over to me and said, "But I've given you $2,500! It's right over there!" And then he showed me a big stack of money! I was so excited, and I ran over to him and gave him a great big hug.

Hmmm...sounds like I need to check my lottery ticket I bought the other day, huh?

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!! Happy Friday!!

Different Planets

CN and I have a lot in common, so it's always surprising when we have little moments when we just don't understand each other.

Example #1:

I made CN some brownies. A couple days later, he called me about them.

CN: Hey, um...should I keep the brownies in the fridge? Will they go bad if I leave them on the countertop?
VB: I don't understand. What do you mean? Like, you haven't finished them yet?
CN: Heck, no! I've only had about three.

*Very long pause.*

VB: Um....well......I don't know. I've never had brownies last that long before. At my house, they are gone in about 4 hours. So I don't know if brownies can go bad. I guess keep them in the fridge. I dunno.

Example #2:

I have just finished telling about 8 family stories to CN.

VB: I'm sorry. I'm hogging the conversation. Tell me some stories about your family.
CN: No, it's fine! They are really interesting. But um...I don't really have any family stories to share. How do you know so much about your family?
VB: Uh...because when we all get together, we just re-tell the same few stories over and over again. I've heard all this stuff since I was in diapers. You don't tell family stories when you all get together? What else is there to talk about?
CN: Um......I dunno.

*Long pause on both our parts. Lots of blinking. He's wondering why his family doesn't do that, and I'm flabbergasted that they don't.*

Example #3:

CN: Hey, do you want to come to my parents' house for Thanksgiving?
VB: Sure! I gotta check with my mom, though. She may not be cool with this idea. She always tells us that until we get married, we have to spend all holidays with her. But I'll see. Your mom's probably a really good cook, huh?
CN: Ooooooh yeah she is. She makes turkey, stuffing, pie, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole--
VB: Did you say 'sweet potato casserole'?
CN: Yeah.
VB: Ohmygod, I LOVE sweet potato casserole. And I have been lobbying at Mom's house to get her to make it, and she won't do it. We never eat sweet potatoes there.
CN: You......don't? Eat? Sweet potatoes?? *extremely confused expression*

Speaking of which......I need to tell you some family stories! And post some recipes! Woo Hoo! I can feel the writer's block melting away!!! I might post again later today....

Have you taken my quiz yet??? Look at yesterday's post! The winner gets a PRIZE!!

Bits/Pieces

Friday night was SO much fun! MJ & VW ended up being Britney Spears (complete with Chee-tos, pregnant tummy and much-dropped baby) and K-Fed (I swear, the guy is a dead ringer for K-Fed!). CN looked great in his Super Troopers costume. Vermont, our Rat Pack friend who happened to be in town, went as a character from Major League (please don't ask me who!). His roommate was a hunter and wore camouflage. The Runner was the Burger King and his friend (girlfriend?) was Kendra Wilkinson, one of the Girls Next Door. KT couldn't go because she was sick.

When we got to the party, there were lots of snacks and a keg. There were about 50 people there, I'd say, so it was a good crowd. Here were some of the costumes:

Little Red Riding Hood & Wolf (a couple -- cute idea, huh?)
Batman, Robin and the Joker (three friends)
Roman soldiers (complete with fake, bloody wounds)
a fairy (who smoked like a chimney, which was funny to me)
Jessica Rabbit
a witch
various X-Men characters
Indian princess (that was the hostess)
Dr. Seymour Bush (a "gynecologist" -- get it?)
cowboys/cowgirls
another Burger King guy
a female gangster
a flapper
Catholic school girl & guy (that was E & B)
Cleopatra
Coach Steve Spurrier
Dog, the Bounty Hunter
Borat

......and finally.........drumroll, please........the winner of the costume contest was a guy who dressed as this guy:

And from the moment he walked in, everyone knew he would win. The costume was just too funny. He was so tall he had to keep ducking in all the doorways.

Despite all of my Paris Hilton accessories, no one knew who the hell I was. Probably because I don't really look like her, even with a blond wig on. Oh well, it was still fun. MJ and I got into a Britney/Paris catfight and VW and CN tried to break it up. We got it on film for posterity's sake, you know. Then she and I made up and were friends.......until we got into another mock cat fight, also on film. It was fun. CN kept arresting everyone.

MJ's pregnant Britney belly was so well-done, some other girls at the party thought she was really pregnant, and when they saw MJ smoking and drinking, they were so offended, they went inside and talked smack! It wasn't until late in the party that they realized she just had a pillow taped to her tummy, so they ran out to tell us what they had thought, and we all had a good laugh.

CN was quite the little social butterfly that night, and I hardly got to talk to him! He was so busy talking to VW, Vermont, Vermont's roommate and The Runner, I didn't even realize he was getting trashed! By the time we left, he was slurring his words. He cracked me up the whole way home.

Somehow, we lost track of Vermont. Rumors circulated of he and Butter having hooked up (which bothered E, because she and Country Boy are on-again, off-again) but I am starting to think those rumors are not true. We still don't know where Vermont spent the night! There was a lot of confusion, drunkenness and phone calls going on. B & E thought we were all following them to a bar, but when we got there, we couldn't find anyone. So it was pretty chaotic by 3 am. No one knew where anyone was. We are still emailing about it, trying to get the facts straight.

CN and I crashed out hard-core and didn't wake up until about 11:30 the next day! I took a shower and then went out to lunch with his parents, who had me in stitches the whole time. After we ate, he and I were total couch potatoes for the rest of the day! I couldn't even stay awake for the USC/Tennessee football game -- CN had to keep waking me up for all the big plays!

And no, I DON'T want to talk about the game. Those refs made terrible calls and that last kick was total.......ok, that's all I'm going to say. *sniff!*

Speaking of USC, you have probably seen this in the news. Please keep these families in your minds today. It's such a sad story. My friend, Butter, knows the family that owns the house that burned down, so this hit pretty close to home for her. And please, since daylight savings is this weekend anyway, use this story as a reminder to check your fire alarms in your home.

Although I'm sad about the students and the football game, I'm going to try and focus on getting excited for Indiana Basketball!!!! The first exhibition game is this Sunday. I would like to just throw out there that the Hoosiers are ranked 9th in the ESPN/USA Today pre-season poll. So for all the UNC, Duke and Kentucky fans (my favorite teams to hate!)-- get ready!!!

But before all of that starts up, I have to say that I am the MOST excited about THIS new season, which starts tonight!!!!



I read in People magazine that there will be an episode this season where Julian McMahon does naked push ups!! Be still my beating heart!!!


Because I talk so much about Julian McMahon's hotness, I think CN is a little bit jealous! But he doesn't have anything to worry about. The chances of me ever meeting Julian are pretty slim. Besides, I highly doubt I'll ever have a conversation like this with Julian:

CN: Hey, I need to take you out on Thursday. We should do something nice.
Me: Oh....kay. Sounds good. But um....why?
CN: It's the first.

It will be our 2 month anniversary. What guy celebrates the 2 month anniversary???? I'm telling you, he's unreal. I didn't even realize the first of the month was our anniversary. Good grief.....

Costume Party!!!

My friend S (of the Happy Hour Crew -- see sidebar) and her boyfriend are throwing their 5th annual Halloween Costume Party tonight! Yay!!! Anyone can go, but everyone HAS to wear a costume. I LOVE wearing costumes, especially wigs. I can't wait to see S (she will be a Native American Princess) and her man (a cowboy). E and B are coming, too -- they are going to be Catholic school students. The rest of the Happy Hour Crew is going, but I have no idea what they are going to be. I can't wait to see what everyone thought up.

I am bringing the following people with me: CN, MJ, VW, The Runner, one of the members of the Rat Pack (who is randomly in town from NY!) and his roommate (who came down from NY for the ride). I don't know what any one is going to be, except for CN:

(and in case you are thinking it's just a cop costume, he would want me to tell you that he's going to be a character from Super Troopers, complete with a real mustache!)

...and The Runner:
Which will be hilarious! I can't wait to get my picture taken with the Burger King!

After much indecision, I have finally decided on a costume and have gathered everything I need. I bet you can guess what I'm going to be!









E even made me this to go with my costume!! Isn't that cool??? I'll be carrying it around at the party.


I will probably take a lot of pics this weekend. If any of them are anonymous enough, I will share with you. Tell me what you're going to be for Halloween!!! I love how creative people get for this holiday. Share with me, peeps!

Barf Queen on a Date

"I took 5 of them," she slurred.

Oh boy. When I got home from work on Friday, I opened my front door to find E in the midst of a Vicodin-induced stupor. She had surgery recently, and was in some pain.

"Well, I don't have any plans tonight. You wanna stay in and have a Roomie Bonding Night? We can watch movies and eat popcorn. I could pop a Vicodin and join you!" I said, excitedly.

E nodded enthusiastically. "Yeahyeahyeah."

15 minutes later, we were in our jammies, watching Dirty Love, eating jelly beans and I had downed a Vicodin. A few minutes later, I decided it wasn't working, so I took another one.

[Note: This directly violates Rule #1 of VB's Vicodin Enjoyment: Never take more than one Vicodin. I would soon rue this rule violation.]

So I'm just starting to enjoy myself when there's a knock on the door. It's Cute Neighbor. And I'm buzzed on painkillers. Uh-Oh. Act natural.

He had some friends (a married couple) coming into town for the night and wanted to know if I would care to join them for dinner and pool.

"Sure, I'd love to!" I replied, trying to sound sober, secretly wondering how in the hell I'm going to pull this off.

He said ok, and told me to be ready by 8. Cool. That gave me an hour and a half to get ready. In other words, I would be totally juiced by the time the date started. I shut the door.

"Shitshitshitshitshit!!!" I whispered.

"What? Wassss that CN?" asked E, stumbling over to the front door.

"Dude, I have a date with CN and I'm fucked up. I can't do this," I said, walking past her, to my room.

Have you ever tried to get ready when you're drunk? Because that's what it was like. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Hot rollers? Seemed to require a PhD. Coordinating shoes with my outfit? Required an extremely serious debate between myself and E, lasting about 15 minutes. Zipping up and tying my top, without getting the dreaded white deodorant marks all over the front? Took every ounce of concentration and focus I had in my body. I dropped everything twice. I almost poked my eye out with the eyeliner. And I thought the SATs were hard. I think I asked E about 6 times if my outfit looked ok. Which was stupid, because she was more wacked out than I was.

Oh boy. This was going to be an interesting night.

"E!" I shouted. "I don't know if this is a good idea.....it's still kicking in!"

"No, you should totally go. You have to," she slurred, leaning against the door frame of my room.

"Well, the good thing is, I'm not nervous at all. I feel gooooooooood," I replied.

"See? So you shhhhhould go...." E mumbled before collapsing on the couch. I think she passed out at this point. I don't really know. I was more concerned with remembering how to walk in a straight line.

After double and triple-checking myself in the mirror, I headed over to CN's house across the street. "Don't tell him you're on Vicodin. Don't tell him you're on Vicodin," I mentally repeated to myself.

[Note: When we went tailgating together last weekend, I mentioned how much I loved Vicodin, but emphasized that I do not do it all the time by any wild stretch of the imagination. So I did not want to give the impression that I am addicted to pain killers or something. Because less than a week later, here I am, weaving all over the street, teetering in high heels. Yeesh.]

We drove downtown to meet up with the couple. I think I acted pretty normally. I think....I hope...

By the time we walked to the restaurant, sat down and opened our menus, I was blitzed. I could feel my eyes crossing and my mind wandering.

I ordered a ginger ale in the hopes that it would settle my stomach. No such luck. Before I took a sip of it, I excused myself from the table. Luckily, our table was not too far from the bathroom.

By some miracle, the bathroom was empty. I hurriedly locked the stall door behind me and proceeded to barf. "Shit! I am never taking Vicodin again! I am a total idiot! I can't believe I did this!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I thought as I doubled over, hurling.

Double checking myself, my hair and my clothes in the mirror, I swished my mouth out and popped some gum. I have no idea how long this took, because at this point, I was in Lala Land.

Luckily, no one seemed to notice when I got back to the table. We ordered our food, and I drank my ginger ale and began to feel a little better. Whew, I am in the clear. I attempted to join in on the conversation, and managed to hold my own. I have no earthly clue what we talked about. I don't remember a word of it. I do remember CN flirting with me, and smiling at him, and thinking he was definitely out of TFZ. But that's about it. Most of my thoughts were focused on not falling out of my chair. As if reminding myself to keep my eyelids from shutting halfway wasn't hard enough, the stress and paranoia of being discovered was making me sweat profusely. Oh man. This was not fun. Not fun at all.

Then, the food was served. CN and his buddy had ordered sushi. Which wasn't the best thing for me to see/smell at that point. Feeling woozy, I took a deep breath and focused on eating my own meal. I swallowed the first bite when..........uh oh. Guess what. The ginger ale didn't work. Back to the bathroom I go.

This time, I didn't say anything, but got up and made a beeline to the ladies' room. I almost had to run. Which would have been funny to see, because at this point, my stomach was controlling the rest of my body. I had lost control over my brain, not to mention my appendages. I almost fell on the way. As I barged into the bathroom, throwing the door wide open and staggering around to see if anyone else was in there, I was overjoyed to find that I again had the bathroom all to myself. Yesssss! But I didn't have a lot of time to enjoy this moment: Must. Barf. Now. Unluckily, I didn't make it all the way to the toilet, and managed to barf all over the stall. At least this time, it was just ginger ale and one piece of pasta, so it wasn't very messy. I cleaned it up as best I could and felt a LOT better. I washed up and swished again.

"I am the biggest effing idiot on Earth and possibly throughout all of history. I can't believe I am doing this," I thought. "Oh, gawd, what if I keep barfing every 15 minutes???" I looked in the mirror: no harm done to clothes, makeup or hair. "SCORE! This is the best barf luck I've ever had!" I thought, as I popped another piece of gum.

I rejoined the group, but knew better than to drink or eat anything. Feeling the buzz start to wear off, I began to relax. That is, until I realized: they were on to me. "Um, are you ok? Does your food taste ok? You're not eating," the wife asked me.

I told everyone that I hadn't felt well since lunch, when I had ordered a salad from a local restaurant. I apologized for not feeling so well or eating. "But I'm starting to feel a little better. I just can't eat or drink anything right now," I explained. I received much sympathy. Whew. Big sigh of relief.

After dinner, we crossed the street to go play pool. Who do we run into? Why, MJ and her new guy, VW! I ran up to her.

"Oh thank God you're here! Help me! I'm on a date with CN and I'm fucked up on Vicodin and I can't stop barfing! Do I look ok? Can you tell I'm fucked up? Do I smell like barf? Omg, I barfed at the restaurant -- twice!" I shouted frantically.

"Please tell me you didn't barf at the table," she said, hesitantly.

"Oh, thank goodness, no. I even got the bathroom all to myself!" I replied with glee.

She laughed and reassured me I looked fine and that I appeared normal. Never in my life have I been so happy to run into someone I knew.

The rest of the evening went really, really well. MJ and VW joined our group, and we all had fun playing pool. Towards the end of the night, we all grabbed a table outside and talked. That's when CN and VW began to hit it off -- they were inseparable! "Dude, your date hijacked my date!" I told MJ.

"I know! They are like BFFs!" she answered. We laughed and began to tease the guys about it.

Soon after, CN's friends went back to their hotel and MJ and VW left. This left me and CN alone to talk. And boy, did we talk. We went for at least an hour, solid. Talked for a while at the bar, all the way back to the car (with much teasing from CN about how I am Barf Queen) and all the way home. Then, we sat in his driveway and talked some more. We exchanged phone numbers and myspace URLs. There was mucho chemistry and CN is most definitely out of TFZ. Yay!

And no, nothing happened, Noseypants.

We made plans to hang out the next day and watch a movie. But by the time I was done with everything I had to do on Saturday, it was almost time for the USC game to start, so we watched the first half of that instead.

Nothing happened on Saturday, either. But it was his fault -- he sat on the easy chair, while I sat on the couch all by myself. So much for couch snuggling.

He was probably afraid I would barf on him...

Fun Friday!

No, I haven't talked to Cute Neighbor yet. I'm pretty good at procrastinating, huh? I will do it. I promise. Hey! Why don't you believe me??? :)

Oh, and remember how Hot Neighbor and Hoochie McSkankerton supposedly broke up? Yeah, she was over at his house last night. So he can bite me. I am over it. All efforts will now be focused on Cute Neighbor, as Hot Neighbor apparently has no clue what the hell he wants. Either that, or he's got Jerry Maguire syndrome, ie, he cannot be alone.

For Fun Friday today, I present to you some videos from this cool show my coworker, LK, has gotten me hooked on. His name is Derren Brown, and he is this magician/psychologist/hypnotist type of guy. He does the most amazing things on his show. Check out two of my favorites.


If this guy is for real, he's totally amazing! His show is nothing but crazy mind-f**ks like this.

This series of videos (there are 5 total, I think) are the silliest, most random things I've ever seen. And they make me howl with laughter every time I watch them. MJ and I love to sing the theme song.


And if you love hot pockets as much as I do, then we have something in common with Jim Gaffigan.



Have a nice, long weekend, guys! Hopefully, this time tomorrow, I'll be tailgating at the game with CN...

Can someone remind me to post the story about dinner last night??? Preview: I am apparently a trend setter, Rob Thomas is a douchebag...and I discovered a Man Buffet. So, um, stay tuned.