Music Lessons

About a week ago, I stopped by CN's house when I got home from work. I just wanted to say hi and see how his day went. Lately, with me working two jobs, our time together has been cut back significantly, and so I like to have 15 minutes of re-connection before I head off to my part time job.

As soon as he opened the door, I knew something was wrong. Whenever he's in a bad mood, he turns his music up really loudly. Plus, he was holding a beer -- drinking at home alone is something he only does when he's in a bad mood*. At first, he denied that anything was wrong, but I dragged it out of him -- he was in a bad mood, but didn't really know why.

Being the paranoid girl that I am, of course I assume that he's annoyed with me and doesn't want me around because I am obviously irritating him. (Yes, I know this is an illogical assumption, as he was in a mood before I knocked on his door, but I'm a girl, and that's what girls do.) So I left and went to work, trying not to worry about the situation. Which wasn't easy -- I don't like it when someone I care about is upset and I can't help them.

When I got home, he called me and explained.

"I figured it out," he said. "I think I'm just bored. I am worried about my dad** and I'm stressed out about work. I feel like I have no outlet. All I do is watch tv and work. I used to have hobbies."

"Ok, good. That's good that you figured out what was wrong. Thanks for telling me, because I was worried," I replied. "Well, I know that exercise really helps me relieve stress. Maybe you could start going to the gym again."

He was not interested in this idea.

"Ok, well, you liked having drum lessons. Why don't you start those back up?" I suggested.

Drum lessons were too expensive. He wanted to try guitar instead.

"Don't you have a guitar?" I asked, remembering the white guitar I'd seen at his house.

"Yes, but it's electric. I want to play acoustic. But I don't have an acoustic guitar," he said.

I will spare you the details of the rest of this conversation, but what it amounted to was this: he knew what he wanted to do to enjoy his preferred hobby, but was unwilling to do the work/spend the money to get there. It was like he was determined to stay unhappy about his boredom. He kept finding excuses why he couldn't do what he wanted to do. He was Little Mr. Pessimist. This left me frustrated with him and worried about him.

If he didn't do something, this mood might get worse. Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. And I know what it feels like to have stress bottled up inside of you with no way to let it out. I know what it's like to worry about a parent's health and yet, at the same time, wish you had something to take your mind off of it, if only for a little bit. Television, video games and naps only distract you so much. There comes a point where you need something that can take over your whole brain at the same time, so that you can just. stop. thinking. about. it. For me, it's running. And for CN, it's playing a musical instrument.

So I finally convinced him to start looking around on Craigslist and in the newspaper for a good deal on a used guitar. He found one for $75 -- a stellar deal, if I do say so myself. But he didn't buy it. He had some lame excuse for why he didn't go through with it.

That's when I realized that he would never go out and buy the guitar for himself, and that I would have to help him get started on this. For whatever reason, his own happiness and peace of mind was not something he was willing to prioritize.

I remembered that my coworker had been trying to sell her acoustic guitar for some time, but hadn't found a buyer. So I bought it and surprised CN with it. I also checked out some guitar books from the library for him and gave him all the information about the Guitar for Beginners class here at the school where I work. I told him that the guitar was on me, but he had to pay for the lessons himself! And I wasn't giving him the guitar so that it could sit in a corner and not be played. So he signed up for the $90 class, which goes for 5 weeks -- a pretty good deal.

He was really overwhelmed and happy! I got a lot of girlfriend points!!!! Yay!!!!

His first class was last night, and he came over to tell me all about it. I could tell he had really enjoyed it. He kept insisting that he pay me back for the guitar, but I refused. That's when all the truth started to come out...

"Please, let me pay you back for the guitar. That's $100 you could have used to pay off more of your credit card debt," he said.

"Wait! How do you know I paid $100?!" I said, looking at him suspiciously.

"Well, you told me you got it for half price, and I looked it up on the internet," he explained.

"Don't do that!!!" I yelled. "It's a gift! You don't look up gift prices!! Stoppit! Don't ever do that again!!" I shoved him in the shoulder. I can't believe he did that.

"No, babe, I really should pay you back. I know you thought I was all depressed and stuff, but I was really just drunk when I said all that stuff," he explained.

*I absorbed this for a second.*

"What?" I asked, growing a little angry. I think my hand may have been on my hip. I know my eyebrow was raised.

"Yeah, I had had like, four beers by that point.*** Don't get me wrong! I love it! And I am really enjoying the lessons. I am! And you're right, I never would have bought it for myself. I just feel bad, because you went out of your way, when really it was just the beer talking," he continued.

(Ok, so maybe he was getting trashed by himself.)

"Well, maybe from now on, you should get drunk and ask for stuff, because apparently, it totally works on me," I replied, sarcastically.

As if on cue, my boyfriend immediately imitates a drunk version of himself, and proceeds to start asking for a Trans Am, just like the one Smokey drove, complete with mag wheels.

Which made me laugh.

And that's why I love him, and buy him guitars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Not that he was getting trashed by himself, as that would concern me. We are talking a couple of beers here.
** I think I have mentioned how CN's dad is not doing well, healthwise. He's been having chemo and radiation for his metastasized prostate cancer. His leg muscles are pretty much fried -- he can't really walk anymore. His prognosis is not good at all. I can tell it's starting to take up more and more of CN's thoughts.
*** Yes, my boyfriend is a lightweight. He got blitzed off of two shots of sake once.

Fun Friday!

I found some interesting websites this week....kind of weird ones...

You know what you believe in, right? Well, if you've ever wondered what religion most closely matches your beliefs, you may want to check out the Belief-o-Matic. (I am supposed to be an Orthodox Quaker, apparently....who knew???)

When you're sick, do you ever wonder if you've "caught that bug that's going around"? Ever wonder how many other people nearby also called in sick that day? Or are you just sick and stuck at home, bored? Check out Who Is Sick.

Are you one of those people who likes to make up words? Then check out Verbotomy. Every day there is a new challenge, where you read the definition and create a verb for it. Or, browse the archives of made-up words that aren't in the dictionary, but probably should be.

Ok, I don't know how to describe this music site, but it's one part online radio station, one part Pandora (which is also a cool site, btw). Only you can tell it what kind of mood you're in, and it will play appropriate songs. Did I mention you can limit it to decade? Or genre? Or that every song has a direct link to Amazon, in case you want to buy the album? Or that the site is free and full of pretty colors??? You don't even have to do one of those stupid registrations for username/passwords!! It's wicked cool! I love Musicovery!!!! (As I am typing this, I am enjoying Prince's "1999".)

Last but not least....I was tempted to devote an entire blog post just to this site, because I bet all of your comments will be discussing this one:

Do you have a young, virginal daughter you'd like to marry off to the highest bidder, preferably before she discovers high school boys? Then you need to submit her profile and price on Marry Our Daughter. I wish I were kidding, folks, but I think this site is legit. There are some effed up people out there, huh? Make sure you read the "testimonials" -- they are SO wrong.... [Note: This site has server problems, I think. Just hit your refresh button until the site pops up.]

Have a great weekend, everyone!!!

Leaving on a Jet Plane....

I've been tagged! cmk is having me do the "8 Weird Facts about Me" thing again.

Although I've done this one before, I'm really glad to be tagged today, my brain is about as organized as this right now:

So it's good for me to have some structure today. I'm feeling a little giddy/anxious. So this will be a NYC-Trip-Theme list. Because I'm incapable of thinking about anything else.

Since I got up this morning, I keep saying, "D'OH! I forgot...." or "OH, sh*t! When am I going to...?" since today is the day I'm leaving with MJ & KT for NYC/Vermont to hang out with the Rat Pack. I'll be fine once I'm on the plane and I'm LaGuardia-bound. *takes deep breath*

Let's see. What to share...from my disorganized, ADD brain...

1. Songs I'm into at the moment: "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" -- The Darkness, "Used to Love You" -- John Legend, "Start Me Up" -- The Rolling Stones, "Sour Times" -- Portishead, "Vacation" -- The Go-Gos, "Bag Lady" -- Erykah Badu, "Tambourine" -- Eve. We will be listening to these (hopefully?) on the drive up to the Charlotte airport.

2. Books I'm bringing with me to read on train/plane: The Truth About the Irish -- by Terry Eagleton and The Hungry Years: Confessions of a Food Addict -- by William Leith. I always bring more than one book with me, in case I can't "get into" one of them. And yes, I am both Irish and a food addict. Luckily, both of these are supposed to be funny. We will see if they compare to David Sedaris, world's funniest writer (IMHO). I'm also bringing a travel guide to NYC (duh).

3. I am trying to remain calm about getting on an airplane today. Believe it or not, although I do fear heights, I am totally cool with flying. I love it, actually. Once I'm on the plane. You see, getting to the airport on time and making sure I don't get strip-searched (yes, I am paranoid), or miss my flight or get on the wrong flight altogether STRESS ME THE EFF OUT. Really, it's just not normal, the way I agonize over airports and flying. I triple-check everything, I'm hyper-aware of my surroundings and I'm sure my face has a look of sheer panic when I'm walking around the airport. I live in fear of boarding a plane, only to hear the pilot announce (once we are mid-flight, of course) "Ok, folks, we'll be landing in Beijing in about 45 minutes, and remember, your $3,000 tickets are non-refundable."

Not that Beijing would be a bad place to go. I'd like to visit China some day. But if that's not my destination, hearing an announcement like that could quite possibly send me into a grand mal seizure. Or a catatonic state. Or something crazy like that.

I'm really hoping I won't break out in buckets of sweat and smell like B.O. ("platinum strength" deodorant my ASS), get supremely dehydrated and practically scream at the flight attendant for more water or do anything stupid when I'm flying this time. I also hope I won't have to run to my plane like I did last December. And I hope I don't have to sit near any of these people. Ugh, just thinking about navigating the "friendly" skies makes my heart flutter and my shoulders tense up. Where are my cigarettes? And WHY can't you smoke on planes anymore???? Don't they know that for some people, flying is extremely stressful??? Perhaps I get stressed out about it because I have a subconscious association?

4. In any case, perhaps I can dig up a Xanax to take as we drive up to Charlotte to catch our direct flight? That would help me a LOT. I heart Xanax. This would be a good time to take one, since I would be zonked, but I would have traveling companions to make sure I still get on the plane. This will be the first time in 10 years that I have traveled with someone. It will be nice to not have to talk to strangers. Traveling alone is not nearly as fun.

5. There is some comfort in knowing that, for the first time EVER IN MY LIFE, I did not overpack. (Thank you, MJ! It seems that having someone help/watch me pack is the key to solving my problem!) No struggling with 3 bags, no kicking myself for bringing stuff I didn't even wear. Of course, this inevitably means I will spend the whole vacation saying, "Dangit! I wish I had brought my [insert something vital here]!!" I am also comforted by the genius that is MJ, who booked a direct flight. WHEW!

6. This weekend, I will be at a lake somewhere in Vermont. The water will be cold. I'm wondering if it will be like the lake I visited as a child, in the mountains of North Carolina. That lake had (I am not making this up!) teeny tiny freshwater jellyfish in it. I don't think they stung, but I remember being amazed at the concept of freshwater jellyfish. See? They do exist!

7. Souvenir Purchasing Goals include: a fake one of these, a pair of big silver earrings (all my pairs are little or casual. I need some big, shiny, dressy ones) and a cool t-shirt.

8. Food Eating Goals include: lots of NY pizza, a real bagel (they are surprisingly hard to find in the South), authentic Italian anything, and some Vermont ice cream.

Ok, I just re-read #3, and my heart is POUNDING. Even just reading about airports raises my blood pressure. I am ridiculous. Of course, Mr. Chertoff is NOT helping today!!!

Cool! Time for lunch now. I will be boarding the plane in about 8 hours! WOO HOO!!!!

Oh, if you want to do this meme (admittedly, I didn't do a good job at it....it was supposed to be weird things....well, maybe I accomplished it. I dunno.), help yourself.

We Interrupt This Program...

I still have at least two more Southern Culture posts I'd like to write. (Unless everyone is sick of them?) I decided to start this series at a good time -- I don't have a lot going on right now. But that doesn't mean I don't have anything going on, either. For example:

1. I cannot stop eating hot dogs or anything orange-flavored. Maybe it's the summer weather, maybe it's the little kid in me, but all I want are ketchup, orange soda pop (OMG, diet Sunkist? The shiznit.), cheese-filled wieners and that ice cream where they mix the vanilla ice cream with orange sherbet. What is going on??? I never crave this stuff.

2. I am officially b-r-o-k-e. $40 until payday. This is not good. Note to self: DO SOMETHING!!

3. I just burned a new CD today. My favorite tracks include: "Beautiful Liar" -- Beyonce & Shakira, "Hang Me Up to Dry" -- Cold War Kids, "You Know I'm No Good" -- Amy Winehouse, "Like This" -- Kelly Rowland feat. Eve, "We Takin' Over" -- DJ Khaled (et al.) and "Hump de Bump" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, even though they totally sold out on that track. I had no business buying the tracks, but if I don't have new music every 2 months, I can feel my soul dying.

4. Not really any Hot Neighbor news. Haven't seen Hoochie McSkankerton in at least a week. This is good. I probably just jinxed myself, though. I'll probably come home to them sucking face in his driveway again. I did manage to make a complete idiot out of myself, though. (Surprised??) It's a long story, but he needed his sewer turned back on, and he didn't have time to do it since he was going to NC. Being the huge sucker that I am, I blurted out, "I'm not doing anything tomorrow. I can go down to the city offices and do it for you, if you want." The second it flew out of my mouth, I could not believe what a total jackass I was. So if you see me, please write "SUCKER" on my forehead in permanent ink, OK? He ended up doing it himself, so no, I did not run any errands for him. GAH. *bangs head against wall*

5. I didn't do diddly squat over the holiday weekend (see #2, above). Lots of naps, TV watching and hot dog eating. I was pretty much a worthless human being, aside from baking some cookies and working on my big secret project. Which I should actually be calling "Big Secret Project, The Sequel", as the original project needed to be aborted. This re-vamped version is much more...doable. (Again, if you have no idea what I'm talking about or are just plain nosy, email me and I will give you details.) It's ok. I have a 4 day weekend coming up. I can be more productive then. The good thing is, the Summer Parties and cookouts have started. It's starting to be lake time, which is always a fun weekend activity. WOOT!

6. I posted some new recipes on my cooking blog, Virginia Cooks. If you're interested.

But the true highlight of the long weekend was last night.

This is a story which I will call: "I am a Sucker for Awkwardness and Total Humiliation" or "On Realizing That I am a Masochist"

Ahem.

I have been spending a lot of time with the Happy Hour Girls lately, especially E, Butter and their boyfriends. If you remember, we all had a good time together the weekend of Cinco de Mayo. And if you recall, I ended up making out with Rob Thomas, who never called. And yes, I was kind of upset about that.

Well, last night I got a text message from E: "Hey, want to go to dinner with us? We are going to Flying Saucer because Rob Thomas wants to hit on some waitress who works there."

I know she didn't mean anything by it, but did I really need to have this information? To her, it's old news, but to me, it still kind of stings a little that he never called me.

"Dude, no. There's no way I'm going and watching Rob hit on some waitress in front of my face. Not when this is the first time he and I will be seeing each other. Unless you really want me to go," I replied.

She did. And Butter did, too. "Pleeeeeeeeease? I'm Butter! I need bread! You are my bread!" she pleaded. *sigh*

"It's going to be awkward the first time you and Rob see each other, anyway. Might as well get it over with," E said.

"*sigh* Ok. But I'm only going if I can have cigarettes on-demand," I said.

"Done," E said.

I drove over to meet everyone at Rob's house. (Remember, E's boyf is Rob's roommate). Rob and I were cordial, but distant. I wholly avoided eye contact with him (I know, I know. But I just wasn't ready to make nice quite yet.) and talked to everyone else instead. I asked if they liked the cookies. Earlier in the week, I had given E some cookies I made. "Dude, those cookies you made? Amazing," Rob said to me, out of nowhere.

"Really? Because I was sorta hoping you'd choke to death on them!" I wanted to say.
"Dude, your ass-kissing is total bullshit, so fuck off!" I wanted to say.
"That kissing you did? SO average," I wanted to say.

"Thank you. I'm glad you like them," I said instead.

"You wuss!" my brain said.

Soon after, we all piled into cars and drove to the restaurant.

I got MJ and KT to join us, too, and I'm so glad they came. I don't think I could have made it through the meal without having at least 4 girlfriends with me. Thank God for the knowing, understanding and sympathetic looks your girlfriends can give you, all without saying a word. "You OK?" "OMG he's being such a douchebag!" "Don't worry, let's talk about something else!" "Seriously, how dumb is this girl Rob likes?" their eyes said to me.

When I sat down at the table, the only empty seat was next to me. And Rob was the only person who hadn't sat down yet. Super. It looked like I was expecting him to sit next to me. Ugh.

Instead, and far worse, he moved aaaaaall the way to the opposite end of the table from me, and proceeded to pull up a chair. Wow. I don't think that could have been more insulting. Now, not only am I Almost Girl, I also have cooties. This is like 3rd grade all over again. I was already regretting my decision.

My feelings of self-loathing were only intensified when the waitress came over to our table. First off, she wasn't a very good waitress. This is probably because she has the same level of intelligence as a toothpick. Then again, I suppose I am biased. Since she and Rob already knew each other, she proceeds to pull up a chair next to him, where they spent half the meal talking to one another. She spent every possible minute talking to him, and he spent every possible minute trying to make her job easier: "Guys, who ordered the French dip?" "Anyone need anything?" "Are we ready for our bills?" etc.

"It's a good thing my stomach is empty right now, because otherwise, I'd be barfing all over this table," I whispered to MJ as we waited for our food.

"Stiff that stupid bimbo waitress," my brain said.

"I'm gonna stiff her," I told MJ.

I didn't stiff her.

"You wuss!" my brain said.

Anyway, the food was good. My girlfriends were wonderful. The service was below average. The humiliation was total.

Yup. Sounds pretty normal for me.

Never fear. Rob has invited all of us to go to the lake on his boat next weekend. I will get to do a whole repeat of this story, only while wearing my bikini. Because this wasn't quite humiliating enough. To be fully awful, I need to add "pale flesh" and "tummy rolls" to the mix. And if the bimbo waitress comes too? Aaaah, that will be Humiliation Extraordinaire!

It's kind of like a nightmare, only more real.

WLF Goes to the Beach

Let's see....not the most eventful week of my life, in case you can't tell from my lack of posting.

I could tell you about having to sit next to a guy from Romania who had B.O.

Or I could tell you about seeing a great local band the other night (Villanova).

I could tell you that I saw Hoochie McSkankerton (aka Wednesday Skank) sucking face with Hot Neighbor this weekend. In his driveway. In daylight. In front of his kids. (Is it just me, or is 2 months kind of soon to be making out in front of the kiddies???)

I could tell you that Shrek the Third was decent. But perhaps you should wait for the DVD.

I could tell you that the portrayal of librarians in Party Girl and Tomcats were....interesting. And although not great movies, they did have their funny moments. Librarians are very wild girls, according to Hollywood. Woot!

I could mention that I am officially up to running 3 miles now. With a small break in-between miles 2 and 3. Go me.

Or I could tell you that I left my doggie bag behind at a restaurant this weekend and I was SO MAD, because I always do that. Which sucks even more when you are broke and were hoping to have the leftovers for dinner tonight. GAH I am still pissed at myself, just thinking about it.

I could tell you how my brother Fungus got to eat dinner with this guy recently. No, I am not kidding. A friend of the family got an extra ticket to a gala dinner where he spoke, and he gave the ticket to Fungus. So I'm sure he didn't get to meet him, just share a meal with him. Kinda. Neat, huh?

I could tell you about hanging out with all my girls this weeekend: Friday's dinner with the Happy Hour Peeps. Saturday's BBQ lunch w/MJ & KT (and MJ's brother & sis-in-law) and Sunday's dinner at a Chinese/Japanese/Sushi restaurant with the Nurses and Healthy Girl. But it was just good times, not much to report.

Really, I pretty much just summed everything up for you. This leaves me with a problem: what should I post today? Hmmm...sounds like it's time for a story! WOOT!

Have I told you about the time WLF went to the beach? No? Ok, this is a good one.

At some point in his youth, I think when he was in college, WLF (aka My Dad) went to the beach with his buddies one summer. (So this is probably somewhere in Virginia or Maryland, in the 1950s, for those of you who want a setting.)

They were there for about a week. Aside from getting up one morning (to find they were out of milk) and putting beer on his breakfast cereal --- EWWWWW --- he just had a good time partying it up on the surf and sand.

But one night was unforgettable.....

Apparently, there was some all-girl's school at this beach-front town. WLF and his buddies found out where the girls' dormitory was. It was directly across the street from the beach. Enjoying the wonderful beach breezes, the girls kept their windows open at night as they slept.

Big. Mistake.

You see, nighttime is when the crabs come out. Hundreds of little crabs, all over the beach. And you really don't want to combine that wonder of nature with a group of college-aged young men who are on vacation with not much to do. Besides drink beer.

See where this is going? Yeah.

So WLF and his buddies grab buckets and start collecting crabs. Tons of them. They completely fill the buckets with live crabs. They wait until the lights in the dormitory had been out for about a half hour. Then they climb up the fire escape to the 2nd floor, walk over to the open window...........and begin to dump the buckets. Hundreds of crabs scurry all over the hardwood floors, making for a very creepy cacophony of little crustacean legs. But the sleeping women do not notice.

At first.

Giggling, WLF and his buddies ran back down the fire escape to sit on the curb across the street from the dormitory. They each pop a can of beer......and wait.

About 5 minutes later, the screaming starts. In between shrieks, WLF and his buddies can hear the crabs freaking out and scurrying around everywhere in packs, from one side of the room to the other. Soon they can tell all the girls are up, screaming bloody murder. The crabs are making even more noise than before, sliding all over the slick, hardwood floors. Someone switched on the lights, and then they really started screaming.

Meanwhile, WLF and his friends are laughing their asses off.

That is, until they hear the police sirens. One of the girls had called the cops.

WLF and his buddies start to run away. But WLF trips and falls. The cops are right up on them at this point, his friends are long gone, and WLF knew he had to think fast if he was going to avoid trouble. A pickup truck was parked down the street. WLF opened the door (unbelievably, it was unlocked) and quickly laid down on the seat as though he were sleeping.

Not even 15 seconds later, a cop raps at the window, looking for answers.

"Oh, no, officer. I have no idea what you're talking about. I've been asleep the whole time, here in my truck. I didn't see anything," he said drowsily.

"Hmph. Ok, well, thanks anyway," the cop said suspiciously.

My dad could never believe he didn't get busted on that one. But he was pretty proud of himself at the same time for his quick thinking. He never could tell that story without laughing so hard, he had tears running down his face.

By the way, this is only one of many stories involving my father and practical jokes. You could say it was a hobby of his.

Thursday 13

Yay! Haven't done one of these in a while...

This is a total cop-out topic, but you can bite me. This is my blog. Not yours. Only boring people have organized brains. Mine is totally bonkers this week. There is so much rattling around in there. Take, for example...

1. My super-secret project is in full swing right now. That's why I haven't been posting a lot this week. Am super busy. Next week I will have more time. I know, I haven't read your blog. I am sorry. I will do better next week, promise! I will try and get to some blogs on Sunday. I probably won't even post tomorrow (Friday).

2. I have NOT forgotten that I have to interview Coco, Meghan and Lowtide. I will get to you, I promise!!! It is written down on like 5 different little sheets of paper. The papers are on my desk at work, my desk at home, in my purse, etc. So there is no way I will forget.

3. I am on this running kick. I have discovered that if I run a little more slowly, and outside (rather than on a treadmill), I can run twice as far with less pain! Woot! I ran/walked 4 miles in an hour the other day. Which is good for me. So I'm all about running (ok, who are we kidding? I will be jogging.) all 4 miles straight. That is my goal. It would be going better if my body could handle running every day. My legs hurt and I'm nursing some blisters the size of dinner plates right now. Ouch. Anyone know how to stop the blisters? I have heard that putting Vaseline on your feet helps. These dang blisters are the main thing holding me back.

4. Am wigging out about money. K is moving out this weekend. I had some unexpected bills this month, and they put a dent in my checking account cushion. Guess I will have to really think about getting a roommate or 2nd job. I don't understand why I need so much money! It's ridiculous. I used to be able to live on $19,000 and now, anything less than $33,000 is like poverty to me. Then again, I have a mortgage now....which is a little more than the rent I paid when I was fresh out of college and living in a shack. Man, do I miss those $400 rent bills........

5. Hot Neighbor wants me. Maybe. Ok, maybe not. But his kids love me. They were outside playing the other day. They asked me if they could pet my dogs, so I brought them out. Then I gave the girls popsicles. They are such polite, cute little girls. (I am thinking maybe he's only got 2 kids...because I haven't seen a 3rd kid at all, really. So I'm going to have to adjust that little fact.) Wednesday Skank hasn't been over ALL WEEK. Which kicks ass. Which is why HN and I were talking in my front yard as his kids were eating my popsicles. I LOVE it when she's not around. And I bet she doesn't have popsicles in her freezer.

6.. Ok, so maybe I had on some short shorts coincidentally at the same time they were playing outside. And just maybe I was coincidentally reading a book on my front porch when he got home with kids in tow. But it wasn't really on purpose.

7. More importantly, I have not been asked out on a date of any kind since....um, October, I think. This dry spell is starting to worry me. Why are guys willing to check me out (ie, last Saturday night) but not ASK me out? Am I intimidating? Do I come off as snooty? A bitch? What? I wish someone would film me when I'm around cute guys at bars, in the gym, etc. And then I wish a panel of guys could watch the film and tell me what I'm doing wrong. Dammit, someone needs to ask me out before I resort to online dating again. Gah, that was hell. Also see here and here. Hmmm....it sure does make for good blogging material, though....

8. WHY does this video clip make me giggle like a little kid? Why is it so freaking funny to me?? Dubya isn't acting any stupider than usual.

9. I think Toby needs to be on Ritalin. Seriously, the dog is nuts. He is full of anxiety. He makes laps around the house all. day. long. He acts like he's looking for something, when in reality, there is nothing there. It's almost like he doesn't know what to do with himself, so he just makes laps or pretends to be looking for stuff. He is convinced that his toy is under the couch at all times, when all the toys are out in the middle of the floor. I have even tilted the couch back so he could go under it, only to find nothing. When I put the couch back down, he still dug at it and whined like his toy was under it. The dog is smoking crack. [VB stops and visualizes Toby with crack pipe sticking out of his mouth.] I don't know if he's just not used to my house yet, or if he's not used to being inside....but I wish he would stop. I mean, it's not a big deal during the day, but by 11:00pm, it gets old. Even Sammy looks at me, and I can tell by the look on his face that he is annoyed by Toby. I have to crate Toby at night, because he will get up in the middle of the night and bark and make laps, which wakes me up. Anyone familiar with this problem? Any advice?

10. I have got to do something about my cable bill. Because $125/month is killing me. I'm calling tomorrow and getting rid of DVR (which I never use and which doesn't work properly anyway) and HBO On Demand (which I love love love -- *sniff!*). Back to basic cable for me. Then I am going to investigate some other Internet options. Right now my cable company charges me $44/month. I am not interested in dial-up or high-speed dial-up. My computer is slow enough as it is. So People PC and NetZero are out for me. I don't have a land line phone, anyway, so those options wouldn't really save me any money. Hmmmm....maybe I will give DirecTV a call. They do Internet now. Anyone have any ideas/advice for this?? And no, I don't have a laptop, in case you are wondering. I wish I did. We have sooooo many free hotspots here in town. Some of them are even outside, which would be sooooo nice this time of year. Get a drink, grab a cafe table....ahhhh. Bliss.

11. I have umpteen recipes I need to post on Virginia Cooks (my other blog--see sidebar). Shoot. For some reason, I only remember this when I am at work, not at home, where my recipes are. I will let everyone know when I do so.

12. From the "Things That Keep Me Awake at Night" file, I bring you this news story. Only in SC could something this backwards and sick occur. Seriously. I mean, I love living here, but stuff like this doesn't happen ANYWHERE else. It's stuff like this that makes this state the butt of all those Redneck/Hick/Inbred jokes. And aside from the disgusting man who did this, I am also bothered by the fact that NINE year olds are MENSTRUATING.

13. Gwen Stefani is playing in Charlotte on May 12. Do I want to spend the money on this? I am a HUGE fan. I saw No Doubt once, and it was probably the best concert I've ever been to. Hmmm...I'm thinking I will have to just find the money for a ticket...

Dummy, Chummy and Yummy, Part 2

I would like to start this post with the following information which is not directly related to this story, but begs to be shared with my readers anyway: I saw Hot Neighbor without his shirt on last night. Yeah. It was awesome. I was walking Sammy before bedtime, and he just pops out of his house with no shirt on. He was on the phone and sat down on his stoop to talk. He waved. I almost passed out. He looked good. Very, very yummy. And so today I have fantastic mental images....it's making my day go so much better than a regular Wednesday....*sigh*

Ok, back to the story of my weekend of almost-hookups with guys.

Saturday was St. Patty's Day, which meant spending the day in Five Points, the cultural (ie, bar) hub of town. This year's annual festival did not disappoint. KT, MJ and I enjoyed live music from Villanova and Loch Ness Johnny. I meant to catch The Movement and Corey Smith, but there were scheduling conflicts (ie, I forgot). I'm kind of mad at myself about this...but oh well.

Although windy, it was sunny and warm enough to be outside. I saw no one I knew which was really amazing, actually. Usually I run into umpteen friends there. I think it was because we got there so late--most of my friends had already gone. We enjoyed the music and beer for a while and then left to grab some dinner. By then it was starting to get pretty cold, so I went home and changed into something warmer. I met back up with MJ and KT at Flying Saucer. They were talking to some coworkers of KT's.

"Oh, hey, VB!" KT said. "This is my friend. You can call him Asshole," she said.

I looked to him, expecting him to protest. He didn't. "Hi. I'm an Asshole. I really am," he said.

I laughed and said, "Ok, you want to be called 'Asshole', I can call you Asshole!"

At 23, he classifies as BB, but he was still a cool guy. (BB stands for "baby balls", remember). He has a great sense of humor. Kinda cute, in a geeky way. He is mega-smart. (Who gets a masters degree in statistics????!) Definitely not an asshole, although as MJ adeptly pointed out, he does leave something to be desired in the manners department. I liked him right away. His friend seemed nice, too.

After about 15 minutes, MJ and KT paid their tabs and we were on our way to Art Bar to see Loch Ness Johnny play again. (Gotta love seeing your favorite local band play twice in one day!) I was kind of hoping the two BBs would come with us, but I didn't say anything.

Five minutes later, they showed up. The warm-up band started to play, but BB and I stayed in the main part of the bar, smoking and talking. We joined them later, but spent most of our time talking to each other.

The only bad thing was that for some reason, our conversations kept turning to awkward topics for me: alcoholism, my dad, my baby brother that died, MRSA, etc. He wasn't doing it on purpose, it's just the way the conversations wound up. He kept bringing up topics or asking questions I don't like to discuss around people I just met. "He's not very good at small talk, is he?" I asked KT later. "Nope." she answered.

I stopped mid-sentence at one point and said, "You're really good at making me feel uncomfortable. You have managed to bring up every awkward topic I don't like to talk about."

He apologized and we got back to more comfortable discussions. Despite the uncomfortable questions, I did enjoy his company. And although he has what I like to call "nibbly lips" (Orlando Bloom has "nibbly lips" in case you are wondering what I'm talking about), he's going to have to remain in the Friend Zone because he's just too young. I can't say that in a Xanax-induced fuzziness I won't grab him and make out with him one day, but for now, he's TFZ'd.

Oh yes, you read that correctly. I discovered Xanax this weekend. Not as good as vicodin, but it's a good time. Hey, when people offer me drugs, I take them. I'm not stupid.

But let's not get off track, now, ok? There's still one more guy I have to tell you about.

The rain check with Jack Steel never happened, by the way. I was relieved, as I had mulled it over in my brain and come to the conclusion that it was a bad idea to begin with. He's just too...stupid. Hooking up with stupid people is not fun at all. I'd rather suck face with BB.

Back to the story. This is the Yummy part.

So the other day, I had just gotten home from work when an ambulance, lights flashing, pulled into my neighborhood. I was concerned, since most of my neighbors are elderly.

The EMTs hopped out and ran up to Miss Margie's house. She is my favorite neighbor (well, besides Hot Neighbor, obv.). Very sweet older lady. She has a very naughty dachshund named Daisy.

I swear to God this is going somewhere, guys. Just hang with me.

So the EMTs put Miss Margie on a gurney and throw her in the back of the ambulance and haul her off to the hospital. Since her kids were there, I figured Daisy would be ok. I was worried about Miss Margie, but didn't want to bother them, so I didn't get to ask what had happened. I figured she couldn't have been too sick, because she was talking and awake when she was on the gurney.

She's home from the hospital now, and last night I was out walking Sammy when I saw her. She and Daisy were out, too. So I got the chance to find out what had happened to her. She had a hernia which pressed on her esophagus and makes it hard for her to breathe and eat. She is probably going to have to have surgery, but she's fine. I told her I was glad she was ok and that if she ever needed me to watch Daisy to let me know.

"Oh, you're so nice. You know, that's what Hot Neighbor was saying the other day," she said.

"Oh.....yeah?" I said.

"Yes, he said you were so sweet and such a nice girl. He wanted to know how old you are, so I told him you're 28," she said, looking over at me sideways. I think I saw a hint of a smile on her face.

"Really. That's interesting," I said.

"Uh huh. He's been working a lot lately," Miss Margie said.

"Yeah, I noticed," I replied.

We said goodnight and parted ways. My brain was spinning. I was so flabbergasted that I didn't even think to grill her for more information! But since she's not doing well, I told her I'd bring her some food later. Maybe I can grill her when I bring it over. I wonder what else she knows...

Chicks, Dicks, Flicks and Licks

I will procrastinate at work here for a moment to update y'all on stuff. Lots of friends, guy stuff, movies and eating this weekend! So it was good.

Friday night was the usual happy hour with the Happy Hour Girls. It turns out that Columbia is indeed a teeny-tiny town. So tiny, in fact, that I'm starting to know some of my friends through 2 different people. I was talking to one of the HH Girls (I guess I should assign them names eventually...) and she says, "Oh, have you met my friend L?" and I turn around. It was L, a girl I've known for almost 5 years. I was pleased to see that The Frigid Snoot was not with her. (I am thinking they might not be attached at the hip any more--this is the 2nd time I've run into her without Frigid Snoot operating as an extension of L's body.) We laughed at how small Columbia is, figured out how we both knew the HH Girls, and then caught up. She told me how her husband's doing--he's currently in Iraq. We talked about work stuff and she let me pick her brain. As we were talking, it turns out we were both pulled over on the same street, on the same week, probably by the same cop for the same type of speeding ticket. Weird.

Speaking of which, I am going to court after work today. I think my ticket will be lowered to a 2 pointer, which is good. Ugh, I hate going to court. I start shaking because I'm terrified of judges. They're so.....authoritative. And serious.

Oh, one other thing happened on Friday night. I met a cute guy. Now, before everyone wets their pants, just calm down. Nothing happened. Big surprise, right? Ok, background:

I'm enjoying HH. I keep making accidental eye contact with a guy. (Was it accidental? Coincidental? Intentional? I don't know. But every time I looked up, we seemed to be looking at each other. Mmmm. Cute. Tall. Brown eyes...) As the evening progresses, I realize he knows one of the HH Girls. I'll call her Talker. He's friends with Talker's boyfriend D. I ended up being introduced to him and talking to him for about 2 minutes before I got sidetracked into another conversation. A few minutes later, I look up and see him walking out with D.

D'Oh! Way to mess that one up....

So I got the scoop from Talker later. She said nothing but good things about this guy. He seems really nice and smart. She said she'd put in a good word for me. I'm sure he knows where to find me if he wants to talk to me again. I'm not holding my breath. I didn't have enough contact time to determine anything.

Speaking of hotties, Hot Neighbor was out of town all weekend, so I have NO updates for you on that.

Saturday, I made KT's birthday cheesecake. It took FOREVER. I think about 4 hours. But man, it was good. I'll post the recipe if I ever remember to! It had an oreo crust, a layer of chocolate and caramel melted together, then a layer of crushed up heath bars, then the cheesecake layer, and then more heath bar crunchies. MMMMM. If you eat too much, it will give you a tummy ache. I am speaking from experience, here, people.

After MJ and I sang "Happy Birthday" to KT, we went to eat at Za's Pizza, which is mega-delicious. Then we were off to Flying Saucer to see 88 Rewind play. It is always a good time, catching their covers of 80s songs. Seriously, every town should have an 80s cover band. But I digress. MJ's old roommate, S, joined us, which is great because she's really funny. Then MJ acquired a friend who didn't seem to get the hint that none of us were interested in talking to him. (She's much nicer than I am!) We thought he'd left at one point, but he came back with shots of Patron for everyone. Based on the looks on my friends' faces, Patron is disgusting. After that, I was pooped, so I went home. MJ and KT went on without me to go salsa dancing, but I guess they didn't have any luck.

Saturday night, I had a dream about Repo. I dreamt that it was St. Patty's Day and I had to get up to go party with MJ and KT. I was in a bedroom, which looked a lot like my little sister's room. I was waking up and still in bed when Repo and his girlfriend barged in.

I don't think she said much, but I remember she was really rude in my dream. She started fixing her hair and makeup at the dresser, and I proceeded to quiz Repo.

I asked him all about his relationship with his girlfriend. Did he tell her the truth? Yes. Didn't she get mad? No. She didn't get mad??? Really?? Nope. Was he cheating on her? Yes. Did he cheat on me? Yes. And she seriously wasn't mad??? No. [Gotta love the illogicality of dreams, right???] Then he tells me they are getting married. Keep in mind, he and I are rough-housing during this entire conversation-- I don't know why. But we are sort of wrestling on the bed. He thought we were kidding around, but I was actually pissed off in my dream and consciously trying to hurt him. Apparently, I am a weakling, even in my subconscious, because I couldn't hurt him.

At one point, we stop talking and he tells me I can slap him. I said, "Really? Like, hard?" and he said, "Yup." So I then proceeded to slap the shit out of him three times. I hit him as hard as I could. It didn't seem to hurt him, but it certainly made me feel better.

Then I woke up. DANG! I was hoping I'd get to punch him or stomp on him or something. I guess my subconscious had some violence it had to get out or something. Wanting to get that dumb dream out of my head, I got up, drank some coffee and started watching movies.

I watched Night at the Roxbury, Talladega Nights and The Sweetest Thing. At this point, I was in denial that it was almost 2pm and I was still in my pjs. The first two movies crack me up because I have a tendency to share humor with 12 year old boys. The latter is one of my favorite chick flicks because it's not corny, sad, cheesy or full of kissing. It also accurately represents a lot of my real-life friendships (the teasing, the inside jokes, the crazy road trips, etc.) so I just love it. If you haven't seen this movie, you must, ladies. Make sure you watch the extras on the DVD, because they sing a penis song that is hysterical.

Then I ran some errands, baked another birthday cake for a coworker and went to Outback Steakhouse with Healthy Girl, Nurse P and Brunette. MMMMMM....steak.

Tonight I have to make yet another cake for a pot luck we are having at work tomorrow. (I signed up for cake before I realized how many I'd be making! I feel like Sara Lee or something.)

Hypothetical Birthday!!

A meme my friend did on myspace. Since it's almost my birthday, I figured I'd pretend...

Hypothetical Situation: It is your birthday today.
All of the people you care about have come together to make this one of the most special days of your life.
From the biggest dream to the smallest detail almost anything is possible. [Woo-Hoo!!!!!]

MJ & KT-- are you taking notes???? Because this is your cheat sheet for Saturday. Just in case you need ideas for my surprise this weekend.

1. You can wake up in any city. Where are we?
Someplace warm and tropical. Bahamas? Yeah. Sounds good.

2. You have a special alarm to wake you. One of your favorite musician(s) has come to play for you. Who is it?

Yes! So far, my hypothetical birthday kicks ass. I would have either Outkast or Gwen Stefani wake me up. Maybe Dr. Dre. Or RHCP. Or P-Funk. Dang, I can only pick one??? That's hard.

What song(s) do they play for you? -- If Outkast, I'd want something from their Aquimini album (whatever track #12 is). If Gwen Stefani, it would have to be "What You Waiting For?" As for the other musicians, I pretty much like everything, so anything goes. Dang, that is hard. I guess if it came down to it, I'd pick Gwen.

3. You have access to any meal, any chef, or any restaurant's menu? What are we having for the first meal of the day?
It's my birthday, so there are no calories, right? Ok. Breakfast consists of the following: blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, coffee, orange juice, cranberry juice, water (shut up, it's my hypothetical birthday. I can have 4 drinks if I want), chicken biscuits (from Chik-fil-a), hashbrowns and cigarettes. You can sit in the non-smoking section if you want. But I'm having coffee and cigarettes while I wait for my food.

4. A celebrity from TV (or show cast) has come to serve you or join you for this meal. Who is it?

Yes!! This kicks ass. I will have the cast from Sex and the City, thankyouverymuch. They will be in character as they dine with me.

5. After eating you have about 5 hours of free time to do whatever you want. You may choose any activity big or small, what would you like to do most? (Remember it's your day)

I would play on the beach with my dog, go shopping, go scuba diving, go to a spa and get one of everything, go on some kind of ghost tour/historic home tour, rent a convertible, eat an ice cream cone, ride on a really fast boat and make out with Hot Neighbor. Not necessarily in that order.

6. You receive your first gifts. You don't own these items already, but want them most. What are they?
a. one of those BIG iPods. 30 giga-tons of storage.
b. a new bed and matress set
c. hardwood floors for my house
d. a suh-weet digital camera
e. a brand new, state of the art, superduper fast laptop

7. It is time for our last meal before the party, what's the menu?
macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, grilled cheese, diet coke, quesadillas, black beans, steak w/sauteed mushrooms, sweet potatoes, tacos, yogurt, bruschetta with garlic bread, peanut butter sandwiches, nectarines, berries, ice cream, brownies, candy....and more cigarettes.

8. This meal is one you share with the people closest to you, who do you want to join you?
friends and family...everyone i know and love! The more the merrier. Oh, and Hot Neighbor. Because he's hot.

9. As a big surprise, a movie star is here. You and this person are off to visit, film a PSA, and give 100,000 dollars to your favorite charity in your name. Who is with you?
Cool!! In addition to the cast of SATC? And Gwen? Crap, I don't know. I'd probably pick Kate Winslet. I love her. Or maybe Renee Zellweger. NO!!!! I would pick Mike Myers. Definitely. Final answer.

9a. What is the Charity?
Something related to alcoholism, like The American Council on Alcoholism. Or a homeless dog rescue organization.

10. Time for the party. Describe the location or theme.
I have always wanted to go to a masquerade where everyone is in full-on, head-to-toe, super elaborate costume and you spend the evening trying to figure out who everyone is. I'd want it to be sort of a Mardi-Gras theme...lots of peacock feathers and jewels. My costume? Cleopatra.

Hell, yeah. So far, my hypothetical birthday is kicking ass. Onwards...

11. Who is the house band? or what is the DJ playing?
all of the musicians I've mentioned here! Lots of danceable hip-hop, pop, Motown, bluegrass, etc. Some 80s. Some alternative. Every song is either great to dance to or great to sing to. Too many artists to list. Lots of Prince and Nelly, definitely. I will just hand him my brand new iPod which is now full of all my songs. There will be absolutely no jazz.

12. Describe the food spread
Didn't I already go over that? Ok, I guess there's hella food at my party. Seems logical enough. Let's see. I'd have a full, open bar, complete with "near beer" and carbonated grape juice for me. A candy bar (minimum 100 varieties of candy). A cigarette bar. A Quesadilla station. A chocolate table (anything and everything chocolate). An ice cream parlor area--at least 30 flavors and toppings. A bake sale (all proceeds benefitting above-mentioned charity). A fruit smoothie station. One of those guys who stands under the heat lamps and wears a tall chef hat while slicing prime rib. A junk food table (complete with Doritos and Oreos). An ice sculpture of Sammy. The waitstaff will serve the following off of silver platters: cocktail shrimp, mini-cheesecake bites, baked brie, chocolate truffles, chicken nuggets from Chik-fil-a, cigarettes, teriyaki chicken strips on little skewers and vicodin. Vases of beautiful and fragrant flowers decorate the tables. Lots of candles and sparkly things. Chandeliers. Did I mention that the waitstaff consists entirely of ex-boyfriends? Who aren't being paid? And don't get to take home any leftover food? Or take breaks? And must apologize profusely to me every time they see me during the party? Yeah. I told you this party kicks ass. Because I'll have your exes there, too, and they will have to do the same thing.


12. Everyone is enjoying your favorite drink, what is it?
It would be a drink invented that day in honor of my birthday. It would be named after me. It would be bubbly and sweet, like me. It would be hot pink in color and the ingredients would probably include Chambord, champagne and ginger ale.

Did I mention that somehow, I magically look 25 pounds thinner in all the pictures from the party? Because I do.

Did I mention that everyone makes a toast to me? And then everyone breaks out into song, because they've all been practicing on a very funny song written especially for me? Yeah.

13. Tell us about your birthday cake?
Right now, all I can think about is the chocolate-cherry pie filling cake that KT is making for me, so it would probably be that. Or pineapple upside-down cake made by my mom. Or the poundcake that K's mom makes. It has cream cheese icing. Mmmm. No, I think KT will win. Chocolate is sounding pretty good right now.

14. It's time for your big gift, what thing do you want most?
A brand new red convertible!!!!! It would be made by Honda, stick shift, V8, seats 4, has an iPod adapter, tinted windows, killer sound system, tires that never go flat, drink holders that actually work the way they should and gets 84 miles to the gallon....*sigh* This car exists. It's my hypothetical birthday.

15. Finally, before bed, you are given a special gift or jewelry by your significant other which means so much as a symbol of your relationship. What is it?

his absence??? LOL

I don't have a significant other. I'd probably be too pooped by this point to care, either! Although, I'd probably get Hot Neighbor drunk at my party so I could seduce him. *daydreams for a minute*

But if I had a S.O., I'd want a big, honkin' canary diamond ring. Not necessarily an engagement ring. Just a big phatty, blinged out ring. Yellow diamond. Ooh, probably from Tacori. Anything from them, actually.

16. If 15 doesn't fit you or if you and your significant other want someone to join you, who do you take to bed with you? I told you it was a special day! Pick anyone/anything.

Besides Hot Neighbor? Besides Sammy? (I can't sleep unless he's in the bed!) Duh. I would pick Dr. Hunktastic himself: Julian McMahon from Nip/Tuck. We will have lots of sex and babies one day. He's the one who just gave me the phatty ring.

Happy Hypothetical Birthday to Me! What would yours be like? More importantly, am I invited?

Thursday 13

Huh. The Thursday 13 site where I usually get my header graphics from is pretty much gone. I guess the found of this meme decided to stop keeping the site going. Looks like Thursday 13, as an official weekly event in the blogosphere, is over. *shrugs* Such is the web, no? Knowing me, I'll still do Thursday 13s anyway. I live in a world of rules and boundaries. I am anal. And that's ok with me. Most of the time. Anyway. Ahem.

Thirteen Things That Make Me Happy Today

1. The weather is beeeeeee-utiful. Sunny, light breeze, lower 70s. *sigh* To make it even more sweet, I had the morning off to enjoy it. Sammy and I took a lovely little walk. This was the kind of weather that would make me skip class when I was in college.

2. Remember how I was worried about my tire? Well, I did run over something--a nail. On the recommendation of a coworker (thanks, LB!) I took my car to this tire place she likes. They had me in and out in a half hour. They just plugged up the hole. Cost? A whopping $7.50.

3. KT is making me a birthday cake! It requires cherry pie filling! And chocolate!!!!! Normally, I dislike any fruit/chocolate combination, but I make an exception for cherry pie filling. I'd eat that stuff out of the can with a spoon. I will try to take a pic before I chow down so you can see what it looks like.

4. Since it will be my birthday cake, I am going to eat as much of it as I damn well please. The diet can take a break for one day. Ok, three days. Actually, at this point, I could probably eat the whole cake in one sitting. Look up "sugar addict" in the dictionary...

5. My birthday is in 5 days. Next Tuesday, I'll be.....28. Eeeeeek! Getting old isn't fun, but who doesn't look forward to their own personal holiday? It's Birthfest '07!

6. MJ and KT are also planning some sort of surprise for me on Saturday night. I have no idea what it is. They called to say that I have a birthday surprise and said I can dress up if I want. (Duh. It's my birthday. Dressing up is de rigeur or whatever that dumb French phrase is.) And I have as-yet-unworn shoes to wear. Hmmm...must buy new outfit. I wonder what my surprise is....

7. No one has ever planned any kind of surprise for me on my birthday before. So just that alone is pretty cool. I hope my surprise is two cakes instead of one. Ok, maybe not. My waistline wouldn't recover from that kind of celebration.

8. "Dare" by Gorillaz. I can't stop listening to that song!!! It is so happy and fun to dance to! I jam out in my car to it. With the windows down. Making a complete fool of myself.

9. Ready to turn green with envy? Guess who's coming to town on the night of my birthday!!! Postsecret. And since I was smart and kept my student ID after I graduated, I am going with KT, who is currently a student. It's free, but you have to have an ID to get in. MJ doesn't have one. We need to find her a fake. Or, I could just smuggle her in with one of my gigantic handbags. Hmmm...will have to figure something out.

10. When I go out on Saturday for my birthday, I am going to find a really hot guy and make him kiss me. It's my birthday. I think it's a law, right? I mean, I'll be the Birthday Girl. Smooches are in order.

11. Speaking of guys, The Rat Pack is coming to visit us again! Woo-Hoo!!!! Superfun guys. Can't wait.

12. Boss Lady is gone for a whole week. (She's a nice lady. So it's not that. It's just less stressful. I mean, who doesn't like it when that happens?)

13. I feel better. Which means I will feel well enough to go to Happy Hour tomorrow with E and go shopping and get a pedicure on Saturday!!! Woo-Hoo!!!

Randomness

What can I say, folks? It's a slow news day. Since there is not much of consequence going on in VB Land, I will give you a little peek into some random thoughts in my brain lately...

1. If reincarnation exists, I want to come back as someone in the music industry. Maybe a songwriter. Because there are so many life situations for which no song has been written. When you are upset about something, there should be a song that is perfect for it. If I can't come back as a songwriter, I'd like to be a professional playlist maker. Ever look at playlists available on mp3 sites, like Napster? They are so lame: Dinner Party, 80s Girl Bands, An Evening of Jazz, etc. No offense to jazz fans or throwers of dinner parties. And I love me some Bananarama as much as the next girl, but where are the playlists people actually need? Ones like

I Am Going to Kill Your Ex-Wife if She Calls You One More Time
What if He Really is the Father?
Don't You Know He's Lying?
I Hate my Job
When Do I Get to Say 'I Told You So'?
Mom, You are Really Pissing Me Off Today
I Am So Onto Your Bullshit
Burning Up Calories and Anger On the Treadmill
etc.

2. I recently read on Wikipedia that Mormons are known for having an affinity for Jell-O. Green Jell-O in particular. This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night, so if anyone knows more about this, please tell me. Any Mormons reading this? Because this little factoid really begs for explanation. Then again, I got it from Wikipedia, which isn't the most reliable of sources...

3. My new obsession? Statcounter. I heart it. Right now, as you are reading this, I can see where you are. So stop picking your nose. That's disgusting. Get a kleenex. Just kidding. No, I can see what town you are in and how long you're on here. Which is kinda cool. It would be cooler if I could get your street address from it so I can really stalk you. Unfortunately, there are these things called "Privacy Laws." They are to protect "Haters". Who doesn't want me ringing their front doorbell? If you knew me, you'd be all about it. But what's really fun are the phrases people use to find this blog. (Yes, Virginia, there really is a phrase lister!) Some of my favorites so far:

life in diapers (um, what?)
OCD mid-30s (ok, I can kind of understand that one...)
ten reasons to date frat brothers (also understandable, considering my college exploits...)
Virginia Bell big boobs (If you don't know who that is, click here. And no, I am not 75.)
hard to meet people after college (tell me about it!)
best avatar ever (why, thank you!)
I want a fling (and I want a million dollars, but hey, you never get everything you want! Actually, this one makes no sense to me, as I am not much for "flings". Except that one time.)
optimistic cliches (talk about bad search engine results...Little Miss Sunshine I am not.)
what do women think of jock straps (funny, I was just talking about that...)
jackson pollock myspace layout (WTF??)

Then, of course, there were the perverted ones:

virtual lap dances (why, oh why, does my blog come up as a hit for that??)
crotch pics blogspot (ok, now this one is a little more believable. I have posted pics of my crotch before. Not!)

But my all-time favorite so far has been:

peel a banana with your toes

Because I always joke around about being able to do that! I don't know if I could, but I bet I'd get farther than a lot of people. I should try sometime...

4. I lost my favorite work-out CD. This is bothering me entirely more than it should be. I think I left it at the gym. Apparently other people also like Rob Zombie. Who knew?

5. If you met me in real life, you'd be really, really surprised that I listen to that kind of music. Yeah, I'm preppy and WASPy, but I have a dark side.

6. Ok, who am I kidding. No I don't. I just like to think I do.

7. Why You Might Hate Me, Reason #45: It's mid-60s here today. I am wearing a short-sleeved shirt. It's sunny, too. Ha ha! Bite me. Go ahead. You have nothing else to do, anyway. You're buried under 4 feet of snow.

8. Have I told you how obsessed I am with British slang? And how I am on a campaign to have it popularized in the US? Seriously, I love America, but their slang is far superior to ours, guys. Snogging, how's your father, bollocks, dog's bollocks, arse, shag, bloody, dodgy, beastly, fancy, cheerio, Bob's your uncle, brassed off, goolies, bugger off, knickers, honking, cheeky, chin wag, cock up, cracking, crusty dragon, daft, gallivanting, gormy, jammy, jolly good, knackered, take the piss, wanker, wonker...I could go on and on. I luuuuurve it.

9. This is my new favorite website.

Ok, that's it for now. I'm off to the gym and then to help MJ shop for a new outfit for a date with a new hottie! You go, MJ!!!

A Lot of Balls

Repo update: She took him back. Which was in some ways surprising, and in other ways not. I was cheated on when I was her age, so I know how hard it is to admit it to yourself. And cheaters are very charming and persuasive people, capable of selling a refrigerator to an Eskimo. He's got balls for lying about it and taking the gamble that she'll never figure it out or believe him. One day she'll figure it out. And he'll get what's coming to him. There's no escaping karma.

Thanks to everyone for leaving supportive comments. It means a lot to me.

And whomever "Anonymous" is, they definitely need to work on their reading comprehension skills.

But enough about that. There's nothing I can do about the situation, so there's no point in obsessing about it anymore.

I had a really good weekend with my girlfriends. Friday I met up for happy hour at Wild Wings with my friends W & E. They were also meeting up with a goup of about 8 other people--none of whom I had ever met. Everyone was really friendly, but due to the size of the group, I ended up sitting at one end of the table with W, E and W's Boyfriend. I began talking to W's Boyfriend about jock straps and how I have questions about them. This discussion morphed into a discussion about balls, which led me to share the information that in college I had dated a guy with three balls. (Ironically, it was the guy I referred to above--the one who cheated on me).

Every time I bring up the fact that I've dated a guy with three balls, I get asked the following questions:

1. Did they all work? Yes, he had them tested by a doctor. Or so he said.

2. Were they all the same size? Yes.

3. Did he have extra spunk? I honestly don't remember. I think so...

4. How were they arranged? He had two on one side, stacked on top of each other and a loner on the other side.

I hope I just answered all your questions. Anyway, I'm talking about this 3-Balled guy, and somehow the story drifts all the way down the table. As I'm still talking to W's Boyfriend about it, I am tapped on my shoulder. I turn towards the rest of the group. Now, keep in mind that I haven't even really been introduced to any of these people. Don't really know them from Adam. And as I turn my head, I discover that all 8 or so of them are staring at me, and they are all shouting the same thing-- "He had THREE BALLS?"

"Yeah," I replied, "He had the biggest nut sack I've ever seen in my life!"

And they all cracked up.

Then they asked the obligatory questions (see above) and we all laughed about it. The men at the table teased me incessantly for the rest of the night. "You must have the gag reflex of a porn star!" one of them said.

"Oh God," I thought, my face turning beet red.

And then I realized I had just told 8 strangers about my experience with 3-Ball. And now, since they didn't know my real name, I would probably be referred to as "Ball Girl". Super. Way to make a first impression, VB.

After a while, W, W's Boyfriend, E and I left and went to Jillian's. There, we continued the discussion about balls, which morphed into a discussion about how to avoid being thought of as a tease by men. How to communicate that you want a fling vs. a relationship. And how to date significantly younger men successfully, because they are easily confused by older women in the fling vs. relationship department. It was a very heated discussion, let me tell you. We ribbed E a lot, because she has been sending mixed signals to a younger guy.

Then I left to meet up with MJ and KT at The Hunter-Gatherer (great name for a bar, huh?) to see one of our favorite bluegrass bands, Loch Ness Johnny. Unfortunately, the lead singer had recently had back surgery, so there was a (far inferior) substitute band. After quick updates on our lives, we tried to figure out where we should go to get away from this awful band. But after about 15 minutes of vetoed ideas, we were out of alternative bars. By then, I was exhausted and MJ and KT were also ready for bed. So we called it a night.

Saturday was spent running errands and figuring out my whole iPod situation. My computer wasn't recognizing it or charging it. According to the lady at Best Buy and mysmileisfake (thank you, btw), I probably had 1.0 USB ports, when I really needed 2.0. So I bought a 2.0 USB port.

When I got home, I saw that Navy Guy had come for a visit. (That's my roommate's on-again, off-again boyfriend.) I love Navy Guy. He is just a total sweetheart. He showed me how to install it all by myself, which saved me $40. It was so easy! He also told me why my computer is so slow- I need more RAM. He showed me how to install that for whenever I bought it.

So we plugged my iPod in again. Nothing happened. K plugged her MP3 player in, and it worked fine. We decided it was a faulty iPod, so I returned it and got another one. It is working perfectly! I can't believe it. I'm going to go home and play with it after work today.

I was too tired to go out Saturday night, so I watched Season One of HBO's Big Love. It is my new favorite show. Love it.

Last night, I met up with The Nurses for the Superbowl. We went to The Dam Bar (It's right by the Lake Murray Dam, hence the name) and got a booth. Unfortunately, our seats were bad and none of us could see the tvs very well. By halftime, we gave up and all went home. I fell asleep before the game was over, so I didn't know the Colts won until this morning. I'm happy, though.

Thursday 13

13 Songs I Like to Work Out To, Part 1

For all my fellow Blog-Wide Workout readers! These songs really get me moving. I'm pretty sure you can find most, if not all of them, on itunes. Having new music really helps me work out. Hope you can find at least one good one on here...

1. Pitbull -- "Culo" (Culo means booty in Spanish, I guess! Seems fitting.)

2. Gwen Stefani -- "What Ya Waitin' For?"

3. Jimpster -- "Don't Push It"

4. Rammstein -- "Du Hast" (This song gets me really pumped up, even though it's really kind of angry!!)

5. Freestylers -- "Push Up" (warning: this might get stuck in your head)

6. Groove Armada -- "I See You Baby" ("...shakin' that ass...shakin' that ass...")

7. Sugababes -- "Hole in the Head" (also an excellent song if you are recently broken up...but I digress...)

8. Benny Benassi -- "Satisfaction" (kind of techno-y)

9. Any song by Rob Zombie. No, really. Anything. His remix album is especially good.

10. Michael Jackson -- "(Don't Stop) Til You Get Enough"

11. Marilyn Manson -- "Rock is Dead"

12. Just about anything from The Prodigy

13. Lunatic Calm -- "Leave You Far Behind" (especially good if you are running)

Some of you might recognize a lot of these songs/artists as coming from the soundtrack to The Matrix. You would be correct. It's a great workout CD.

I have a lot more. Next week I'll do part 2. Until then, hope you've found something nice to add to your playlists.

What do you listen to when you work out? I'm always looking for new songs. Share with me!

It's That Time Again

It's time for family, fun, long lines, music, gifts, travel, menstruation and service with a smile. Yeah, this post is gonna be kinda random. Hang in there with me.

For good or for bad, the holidays are here. Where I work, that means we are really busy, thanks to end-of-semester exams. Which is fine. I understand. After all, I was once a college student. But I have to say, I am on the verge of screaming at someone.

The procrastinators and lazy students finally have a fire under their asses, and so they are swarming the library like bees. Unfortunately, since they've been slackers all semseter, they have no idea what they are doing, and so they are driving us crazy. They don't know how to find books, read books or tie their shoes. They don't have any knowledge of our computers or printing system, so they want us to hold their hands and do everything for them. Remember, we are getting the lazy slacker kids at this point in the semester.

Probably the most irritating thing to me is that they don't have any school supplies. I mean, how do you attend school and you have nothing to write with? WTF? Do you look in the mirror and call yourself an adult college student? Where did you read that the librarians will just give you floppy disks? What makes you think we would have report covers? Seriously, I just don't get this mentality. Students: there is this place called a "bookstore". Try it sometime. They have lots of handy stuff there. I swear to all things holy that if one more person asks me if they can borrow our glue, I might actually rip their head off. "Glue THAT, mofo!" I will scream. The library is not your own personal Staples, people. We don't even have glue, you numbnuts.

Ok, rant over. I feel better now.

I will feel a lot better when my new digital camera gets here. I'm supposed to allow 3 weeks for delivery, but it's been about 2 now, so I'm getting antsy. I'm also waiting on some boots from Victoria's Secret (an exchange of boots) and some deliveries from Amazon.com.

Check out what I got for my bedroom, courtesy of the gift certificate from The Dummy and Modigli:



Don't they have nice taste? They knew exactly what I wanted. *sigh* I love green. You probably already knew that.

Yesterday, the Christmas bug hit me, and I got four (yes, four) Christmas CDs. I burned one from Napster that has all my favorites on it. The Bing Crosby ones make me cry. (More evidence that I'm turning into Czarina) Other songs include: "Jingle Bell Rock", "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" and Elvis' "Blue Christmas".

Then I went to Amazon.com to look for a hard-to-find Christmas album. I have been looking for it for a long time. It is my absolute favorite, because my dad and I used to listen to it: Ray Conniff's We Wish You a Merry Christmas. On the corniness scale, it's basically off the charts. In most of the songs, there is this cheesy peanut gallery in the background shouting, "Merry Christmas, everybody!" or "Hey, Guys! Let's decorate the Christmas tree! Yeah!" They sound like they've had entirely too much sugar and/or caffeine. You almost want to blow them away with a shotgun. And I love that. Because when it comes to holiday music, the goofier the better in my book.

I also got the soundtrack to one of my all-time favorite movies: Love, Actually. I highly recommend this movie and soundtrack. If you haven't seen it, run run run to the store, folks. It's a great Christmas movie. Although, not appropriate for kids. FYI. Unless you are ok with your kids watching people play body doubles for a porno.

So what did I do this weekend? It was pretty uneventful. Some Christmas shopping. Too much tv. Baked some pumpkin bread. Some furniture assembling. Yawn. But I did go out on Saturday night. Blonde and I ended up partying with a mutual friend of ours. We hadn't ever partied with her one-on-one, and she is a scream. We laughed our asses off all night. Any night a life-sized statue of Jack Daniel gets humped and molested is deemed a fun night in my book. So I will dub her Fun Girl. Later on, I saw Mack Daddy and the rest of the Wild Youngins, Cop 2's brother (The Quiet Man), RDG and even Repo as I was leaving to go home.

It was a full moon, what can I say?

Repo called me the next day and we caught up. The Quiet Man emailed me a very sweet email. Too sweet, actually. He apparently has the same tendencies as his brother....too bad. (Trust me on this. I can smell the clinginess and ickiness, practically. At this point, I am wondering if their mother hugged them as children. They are so...gushy. Ew. I do not come from a gushy family. I come from a family which totally represses its emotions, unless the emotion is anger. Gush makes my skin crawl.)

I found out that my brother, Fat Dog, is going to go to an all-expenses-paid trip to Honolulu next summer. Why? His senior paper on jet turbine engines (or something equally geeky like that) is being presented at some mechanical engineering conference, and his school wants him there to present it. He's always getting lucky breaks like this. To quote my coworker, he has "a horseshoe up his ass." Seriously, the coolest things happen to him. I wish it would rub off on me! Luck should be genetic...

Speaking of trips, I am going to Orlando on Saturday. Work conference. Woo hoo. It's actually kinda cold in Florida right now, so I don't know how much I will get to enjoy the weather. Still haven't decided if I will tell Big Ex I'm going to be in town. I don't really see the point. But I guess it would be good to see him. What do you think? Let sleeping dogs lie or meet up with an old boyfriend just for old times' sake? Remember that I am a lot fatter than the last time he saw me. Then again, I bet he is, too. I'm also going to see Party Girl, an old friend from college while I'm there.(I am really excited about this, actually! She used to be my partner in crime in college. She is 100% responsible for all of my stage/bar/tabletop dancing. The boob-flashing was all me. Kidding. Good times...)

Special note to my male readers: You are probably going to want to skip the next part. It deals with women's troubles. No, not men. Yes, I know we always complain that men are the problem. Just skip it, ok? Go down to the Men with Cramps part. We'll meet you there.

I got a very random email today, wanting to know if I'd be interested in entering an essay contest held by Always. As in the panty liners. Yeah. They are looking for essays discussing how you make your period happy. How you can turn a bad situation into a good one. Optimism in the face of menstruation, I guess. What on earth can you say? "You're no match for my cheery disposition, cramps!" or "Sometimes, when I'm menstruating, I feel sad. But then, I think about butterflies and puppies and it all goes away." I mean, the only good thing about being OTR is that you have license to be a total bitch. That's it. The end. They want me to write a 1,000 word essay about that? Who on earth would read it? Although, if they want me to share wacked-out stories of my bizarre hormonal behavior, I can write a book:

"The driver of the other car thought it would be ok with me if they pulled out in front of me. Little did they know that their brains and other internal organs would soon be smashed all over the pavement, as I stood nearby, laughing heartily. After throwing the cops off my path with my claim of "female troubles" affecting my memory of the car 'accident', I arrived home, grabbed a tub of chocolate ice cream from the freezer and turned on the television just in time to catch the end of Old Yeller, upon which I burst into total and uncontrollable sobbing. Then I ate the entire tub of ice cream in 20 minutes before taking a 7-hour nap. It was a wonderful day. I love being on my period."

Do they have a contest quota to meet? They must be hard up for participants if they're emailing me. No surprise there. Can you imagine putting that on your resume or college application? "Winner: Always Essay Contest-- How to Have a Happy Period" Can you imagine what the judges will be saying?

Judge #1: "I really liked this one about how she views her period as an art form!"
Judge #2: "No, no. The best one was the one where the woman said she commits one random act of kindness for every cramp she has. That takes real dedication."

Little do the judges know that those women are probably referring to some major ass-kickings they've inflicted upon ignorant people who irritate them just by breathing the same air? That in their own, hormone-juiced brains, they honestly believed that slapping that stranger until their nose bled was a charitable act which probably improved the nation as a whole?

The kicker are the prizes, which include a selection of Always products (because who doesn't want a big box of pads shipped to their house for free?) and $1,000 towards college expenses. Because apparently, only college students can have happy periods. The prize they should have would be this: "The winner of the contest will receive a free job from a hit man of our choosing, all fees, concealment, body disposal and taxes included." Now that would get them some essays.

Ironically, I found this website today: Men with Cramps. Maybe men need to think twice before giving us shit about our hormones? Maybe men should also be allowed to enter the Always contest? According to Dr. Quack here, men also get PMS. He's even linking major events in world history to this male PMS syndrome. What a genius he is. I mean, look at his hair. He's totally trustworthy. I smell Nobel Prize.

So let's all just remember the real meaning of the holiday spirit: brotherly love, peace and harmony on Earth. If reaching this goal involves some bloodshed or rage, it's probably because of all the people with PMS who are under a lot of pressure, trying to think of something to write for their essay. Unfortunately, none of us are safe, because you can't tell they're pissy until it's too late. So be careful out there, folks. Use your turn signals and don't ask librarians if you can borrow their hole puncher.
And as ticked off as you get around the holiday season, just remember that in this day and age, you never know who could be watching. So watch out, or you could end up on the Internet like this German kid:

Thursday 13

Thirteen Reasons I'm Going to Hell

1. I honked at a little old man yesterday. Twice. Because he wouldn't turn right on red. I freaking hate old people.

2. I was slightly rude to the door-to-door financial planner that interrupted my watching of the Tyra Banks episode of Driven this morning. Why don't they hear me when I say, "Thanks, but I already have a 401(k)."? Don't they realize that if I were interested in their services, I probably would have contacted them myself?

3. I cuss. A lot. Constantly. If I'm not saying it out loud, I'm saying it in my head. And I never really make any attempt at cleaning up my act. Because I don't really care.

4. When I was six, I was in line at the grocery store. I wanted The Czarina to buy me this lollipop that doubled as a whistle, because I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She wouldn't get it for me, and I pitched a fit. So when she wasn't looking, I stole two of them--a grape one and a red one (strawberry, I think). When we got home, I hid under her bed and ate them as fast as I could so I wouldn't get busted. But you see, I'm stupid because the whole reason I wanted the lollipop was because it was a whistle. And since I was in hiding, I couldn't test out the whistle feature. Dumbass.

I have never told anyone that story before in my whole life!

5. I had this really annoying German teacher in high school. She used to talk to us like we were kindergarteners. So irritating. Anyway, she was kind of stupid about answer keys, and she would always leave them laying around. So we used to run up to the front of the room whenever she'd leave, and copy down all the answers. I cheated on several quizzes. [Note in my defense: I would have aced the quizzes anyway. I was a German whiz. I cheated because I wanted to get back at her for being so annoying. Which was dumb, because I really should have been cheating on my math quizzes, which I flunked repeatedly.]

6. Ok, this one is really hard to admit. And again, I've never told anyone this story before. I really am going to hell for this one, you guys. I've had more guilt over this than anything else I've ever done. When I was in high school, I was dating this guy. For Christmas, he got me two little birds. At the time, I loved them. But once he and I broke up, their constant chirping began to grate on my nerves. They were feathered reminders of a failed relationship. So I sorta.....kinda..."forgot" to feed them. You have no idea how terrible I feel about this to this day. That was just w-r-o-n-g. Feel free to beat my ass over this one.

7. I know all the lyrics to Li'l Kim's Hard Core album. Her lyrics would make a porn star blush. I sing the songs at the top of my lungs because I love them. When it comes to lyrics, the dirtier the better in my book.

8. I haven't been to church in......shit, a long ass time.

9. I cheated on this guy once. The Big Ex. I've talked about him a few times. He lives in Florida. Well...I kinda cheated. We hadn't officially had "The Talk" where you decide if you're going to be exclusive or not. So technically, I was still a free agent when my cute neighbor came along and hit on me. I was kind of annoyed at Big Ex for dragging his feet in the relationship, so in a way, I was getting back at him. (I'm noticing a revenge theme in this post...scary...) But he was really, really hurt when he found out. I learned a very important lesson: Communication is the key that makes relationships work. Also, guys have feelings, too. I was out of line, big time. I will never, ever do that again. It was a mess. I still feel terrible about that.

10. Did I mention that when he confronted me about it, I lied to him? Yeah, because what I did wasn't bad enough. I had to add lying to it. Not one of my proudest moments. Especially because I'm a terrible liar. I don't think I've lied to anyone since, actually.

11. When I was in college, I went to a party and met this really cute guy. Then I found out one of my friends, MD, liked him, too. So I never flirted with the guy. (I go by a policy of "dibs" when it comes to my friends and guys. He was off-limits in my book.) Then, I ran into him at a party. I was with a mutual friend and we went over to say hi to him. He asked where MD was, and my friend said, "Oh, you know MD! She's on a date with some guy." I thought that was kinda sudden, because MD was pretty crazy about this guy. But I had no reason not to believe what she said. So, I figured, the guy was fair game and I ended up hooking up with him that night. It was only after the fact that I learned my friend was kidding about what she said and MD was actually crazy about the guy...and she heard through the grapevine what I had done. Oops. She was pretty pissed at me.

12. When I was in high school, my family used to vacation every summer at The Outer Banks of North Carolina. We loved Duck. I highly recommend this as a family vacation spot. Anyway, one year I met this guy who was a good 7-8 years older than me. He was really hot. He was in college. He was every 14 year old girl's dream. I stayed out with him, making out all night long and didn't come home until 5am. My parents had no idea where I was and they were completely freaking out. They were about to call the cops! Those hickeys I had on my neck didn't help, either...I was grounded for a loooooong time for that one. I can't believe I did that to my wonderful, loving parents. I'm such an asshole!

13. Ok, I'm sure there's something that should go here. I just can't think of it right now.

So, anyone joining me in the land of fire and brimstone? Why are you going to hell?