The Match, part 1

I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick me. -- Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

To which Miranda replies, "So, what, you're like a flystrip for dysfunctional men?" To which I say, "Yes! This is so true! And Match only confirms this statement!" I thought the bars were bad with their slightly-too-old-for-me drunk redneck guys, but the urban adventure which is Match.com really brought the freaks out of the woodwork.

I have been reading some other blogs [see sidebar] and the topic of online dating comes up on occasion. I would like to contribute to the discussion. But first, some of my personal experiences...

• Foot Fetish Guy-- a self-described "foot fetisher" and lover of "pale-skinned women", his picture was taken in approximately 1986 since the photo appears to be his entry into the New Kids on the Block try-outs. Denim shirt (opened to expose 'physique'), slight mullet, one foot propped up on something, cheesy grin...he looked like Rambo's gay brother. His email to me talked about rubbing my long, pale feet no less than three times. Did I mention he lives three states away? (Thank God!)
• Various old guys-- Ranging in ages, one as old as--get this--71. What 71 year old is even computer literate, let alone horny? These perverts get the standard "dirty old man reply" : Maybe you should try emailing my mother since she is closer in age to you, sicko! (and is it just me, or is a perverted screen name a dead giveaway that it's an old guy? do they think chicks dig horny old men?)
  
• Not Really Ready Yet Guy-- His entire profile was one long rant about his bitterness towards women, his ex and Match. It was hilarious, but that doesn't mean I want to get with someone with so much anger.
• Lecture Invite Guy -- truly a mystery. His emails were never real actual emails, but invites to various lectures around town. They read like mass-invites because he never even mentioned me or asked me any questions. I think he just wanted young women to go to these lectures so that he would have some eye candy or something. Some of them I actually would have gone to, since I'm a geek like that, but I feared meeting this 55 year-old face-to-face. I blocked him and notified Match.
• Kind-of-Sad Guy -- If he weren't so strange, I would feel bad about mentioning this guy. He is deaf, which is sad, but he cannot spell or communicate using common English grammar for s--t. It is to the point that his profile is basically unintelligible. Seriously, either get a proof-reader or resign yourself to only dating girls who can't read. But the wierd thing is, homeboy has about 45 pictures on his profile. No joke. Now, everyone who has a big hobby is cool in my book. And just about every contact is flattering. Even if they are...wierd. Each one of his pictures were of him doing tae kwon do. Ok, that's cool. But towards the end, they showed him doing tae kwon do while wearing various costumes...like Star Trek, ninja, etc. The weirdest one was him sitting on a horse wearing a full armor suit. Like as in, Sir Galahad or something. Methinks the lad doth take one too many wollups in ye head...
  
• The Why-Do-You-Think-This-Could-Happen People-- one lived in England, one lived in Korea, one was still married, one was a woman (who was "finally ready to explore"), one lived in Florida but was in my town one day per month, one was 18, one was obviously not out of the closet yet, one still lived with his mother and one was unemployed. (I'm sorry, but I don't think it's too much to ask that they be gainfully employed! But I guess he's honest, right?)

Although, nothing comes close to the number of people to whom I just want to reply, "RTFP!" ("read the friggin' profile!") What part of I'm looking for a man between the ages of 26-36 who lives within 50 miles of Columbia, SC who has a job and a college degree is vague or up for debate? I mean, do I really have to add: Yes, I really do mean men only. No, I do not like it when someone gets his jollies while rubbing my left foot. Yes, I do mean full-time employment. And your little quickie-mart night shift doesn't count. If you are living with mom, call me when you move out. If you are still married, what are you doing reading this right now? No, 26-36 does not mean "26-You're Only as Old as You Feel" or "26-I Know You Said 36, But I make a lot of money and want to spend it all on you."

The only logical explanations are that they simply don't read my profile or think they can change my mind. Both explanations are insulting. So I don't respond, and then they send me one of those "Gosh! The least you can do is reply and tell me you aren't interested!" emails. To which I want to reply, "Gosh, the least you can do is RTFP! It's there for a reason, f--ktard!" And then all the great, cute, smart and funny guys think women have attitudes. Can you blame us????

Right now you are saying, "Oh, they can't all be that bad!" Oh, yes they can. Here are my dates so far:

Date #1-- Nice guy, but his photo showed him having a full head of hair. (Some girls are ok w/baldness, I'm not one of them. I don't care if they get that way one day down the road, but I don't start w/bald. There are a few exceptions. I said few.)

Date #2--Another nice guy, and I really would have liked it to work out, but he was a horrible kisser. And clingy. Both are instant deal-breakers for me as I see these as "unfixables". Not to mention awkward topics to bring up. Next!

Date #3--No. Spark. Bor....ing.

Date #4 and #5--Dr. Seuss and Small World Guy (See previous post)

Upcoming--Danger Dan and Cute T. (I hope, I hope, I hope he is one of those cute, smart, funny guys....!)

Can anyone tell me the average number of dates you have to go on before actually meeting your match? Because right now, the thought of going on another blind date makes me want to vomit. Match should keep track of statistics like this and give me little pep talk emails like, "Hang in there! Only 3 more awful dates until statistics show you will meet your next boyfriend!"

Until then, I will be checking my winks...