New Beginnings in an Old Year

Dear Readers and Fellow Bloggers,

I do apologize for my extended absence as of late. I neglected to tell you that I have a three week vacay for the holidays (yes, send me hate mail, I know you want to) and so I have been visiting The Czarina (Mom) and my brothers Fat Dog and Fungus. I also got to hang out with my little sister, Smurf. My hometown is in the middle of Nowhere, about halfway between Podunk and Boonie, VA. It is so small, they sell t-shirts that say "Where the Hell is (insert my hometown here)?" Anyway, The Czarina has internet, but it is one step above dial-up and I just don't have the patience to post to a blog under those conditions, not to mention that it is impossible to be alone in her house and that I don't want her knowing about my blog. She snoops enough. Hence my absence. But now, after a great holiday, I am back to update you on the going-ons in Life a la VB. I am exhausted, so I will try to condense this as much as possible so I can go take a nap. Here goes....

Well, there is kind of a lot to tell you, actually. How about we just start with the fun stuff for now? Good. I will tell you about my love life then. [small cheer erupts from readers]

The week before I left to go home, I went out with FedEx guy on a Monday. Actually, I might nickname him FedSexy guy, because he is just that cute. He is a delivery guy, which just begs for me to make jokes about his "package"....but I digress. We both love coffee, so we met at Starbucks. I liked him immediatly. He is quite attractive--the stereotypical tall dark and handsome thing. But what got me was how funny and smart he is! And I instantly felt at ease around him. His adorable southern accent didn't hurt, either. Have you ever met someone and you feel like you have known them forever? If so, you know what I mean. There was lots of chemistry and he is sooooo easy to talk to. I'm not going to go on and on, but let me just say it was GOOD. I finally hit paydirt with match.com. We made general plans to hang out sometime over the weekend and left it at that. We talked on the phone a couple times during the week--it is all good! It's just getting better and better! YAY!

Now, flashforward to Friday night. I was meeting up with a girlfriend, I'll call her W for now. We are both members of a professionals club here in Columbia. It's basically just a social/networking thing. Anyway, it was their Holiday party. About an hour or two before I was leaving, FedSexy calls me. He wants to know what I'm doing, and I invite him to meet me there. He said sure. Well, I got there before he did, and I was talking to W. She introduced me to her friend from high school and his friend The Lawyer. The Lawyer is pretty cute and very nice, so of course, I begin to flirt...but I was honest--I told him I was actually sort of on a date, but my date hadn't arrived yet. The Lawyer and I flirted anyway and had just gotten to the point where he was about to enter my number in his cell phone when FedSexy arrived. I said to The Lawyer, "Well, there's my date! I guess sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time!" Then I introduced FedSexy to The Lawyer. (I know, I know--I did it again. I swear, I am not trying to be a player! I am honest with everyone! FedSexy asked me if I was dating anyone else and I told him I was--so no one is in the dark!) Later on, I ended up giving my number to The Lawyer via W's help, but I will discuss that later...

FedSexy and I hung out for a while while I introduced him to some people and he introduced me to some people (it was a really great party, actually!) and then he and I left to go get coffee (again). We also share a love of CourtTV--I'm telling you, he and I really click. We talked for about three hours. Then when we were walking back to his car, he kissed me. Oh man oh man. I can sum it up in one word: hot. As in, Wait, where am I? That was incredible...I almost just fell over. Yeah, just that good. Ladies, you know what I mean. Later in the weekend, he came over and watched a movie. I had just made some of my super-yummy (if I do say so myself) pumpkin bread. This is his new favorite dessert (his words, not mine). He would have eaten all of it if I had let him! So we munched and watched the movie...and made out on my couch like high school students. It was incredible!!!

And then I left town for the holidays....without telling him I was leaving and that my cell doesn't get reception at The Czarina's house (remember, I live in Nowheresville). I know, I'm an idiot. I was completely mezmerized, what can I say? So he (and all the other people I forgot to tell) called me a couple of times, probably wondering why I hadn't called back. Finally, I go into town where there is reception and I call him back. Whew! I left a message explaining myself. Then I called as I was driving back to SC last Wednesday afternoon. He wanted to know if I would go out to dinner with him when I got back. I looked like s--t but accepted the invitation.

Dinner was great. He was even funnier and there was even more chemistry...oh, and more making out on my couch. Aren't I absurd?? I seriously cannot help myself. I have not had this much chemistry with someone in YEARS. I was seriously having the hardest time keeping my clothes on and my mouth shut. But I did. I was a good girl. This one might be a keeper--I don't want to mess it up. So I have been on my best behavior. By that, I mean that I am playing hard to get. Yeah, the old standby. I like to think of it as Heartbreak Insurance really. You pay your premiums in delayed gratification. See, I woke up the morning after the dinner with one thought on my mind: Holy cow. Is it possible to be in love with someone after three dates? And I got really freaked out. Already, I'm in a position where I can get hurt. That's fast, even for me. I can NOT stop thinking about him. I think I'm going insane. That's why I have to play hard to get. Otherwise, I will come off as stalker-ish. Also, by playing hard to get, I can sit back and see how interested he is in me without making an ass of myself. I have been collecting data...

So far, this is what I have in my favor: he wanted to know if I was seeing anyone else, he said he missed me when I went home for the holidays, he said he really likes hanging out with me and that he doesn't usually warm up to someone this quickly.

[VB jumps up and down, vigorously thrusting arms and kicking legs and shouting, "YESSSSS!"]

Of course, I didn't say that I felt the same way. Even though I do. Stupid, right? I don't say stuff like that so soon--it makes me feel vulnerable. I need time to get comfortable before feeling like those types of statements are ok to say. And I don't want to come off as clingy or needy or stalker-ish. So I just sort of said, "Well, thank you." to all of the above statements from him. I completely wussed out. Was that dumb? Or am I better at playing hard to get than I thought I was?

Then, there is the bad data, too....like the last-minute dates. I don't want to be last-minute girl. But I have no one to blame but myself. You teach people how to treat you, and I have put myself in this spot. Dang! So, no more. I will not do that anymore. Time to start booking up my calendar.....and becoming even more determined to be the Elusive Carrot (tempting, yet always just out of reach!). I am not worried. I can do that. Hell, I invented playing hard to get. The real problem is this:

HE HAS NOT CALLED ME IN THREE DAYS.

And of course, playing Hard to Get precludes my contacting him. I will not bother to type it out, but you can imagine the stream of expletives which gush out of my mouth everytime I think of that. I am not exaggerating when I say I think I am going to crawl out of my skin over this. I want to cry and scream and tear my hair out. It feels like this:

You are hit with a sudden, urgent craving for a specific snack while you are in the grocery store. You know--one of those Stop the world. I need Oreos. kind of moments. So you speed over to the cookie aisle, round the corner, and are suddenly stuck behind some slow-ass fat old lady who is blocking you from the last package of Oreos. Suddenly, everything is in slow motion. She reaches for the Oreos, fondles them gently in her withered yet chubby old hands and mumbles to herself, "You know, I've never tried these, although they've been around even longer than I have. I wonder if they are as good as people say. I need these cookies like I need a hole in my head. Hmmm...I think I will buy this last package and see." Then she lets them drop, ever so carelessly, into her cart, where they crash into her canned goods. On top of them, she tosses a 5 pound bag of sugar. You watch, horrified, as the last of the Oreos have now been totally crumpled into an inedible--albeit delicious--mass of crumbs and creamy filling. The whole time, tears streaming down your face as you fall face-first onto the dirty, cold grocery store tile, you are screaming, "Noooooooooo!!!!!!" Before grabbing her ankles. Yeah, if feels just like that. Only 100x worse.

Oh, I forgot to say one other confusing thing. His last words to me were about my New Year's Eve plans. He said, "So, you don't have any plans? Well, I guess just call me if you figure out what you are doing." WTF does that mean????? Obviously, he doesn't want to hang out with me on New Year's, despite all of the obligatory smooching at midnight. Dang!

I know, I know. Right now you are thinking/saying Just call him! Either that or Who needs Oreos that badly? What a freak. But really, wouldn't he call if he wanted to? I am a firm believer in the idea that men do what they want. So...he doesn't want to talk to me. Right? Or is he feeling rejected due to the fact that I have not clearly stated to him that I really like hanging out with him despite his ability to say so to me? Does he already feel rejected? I made out with him! Twice! Isn't that enough to indicate interest???

I am seriously going insane.

Shoot. I really do have to go. Places to go and people to see!!! I promise I will fill you in some more later on. To anyone reading this, Happy New Year!!!!!!