Bachelor Pad

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I will try not to gush quite as much today. But this post is mostly about CN. Sorry.

I want to talk about something I've noticed about CN that really impresses me: his house. I want to hang out there a LOT because I like it so much. I feel very comfortable there, and not just because it's exactly like mine in size, floorplan, price and features. I figure most guys would like to know what is so appealing about it. Here's why.

1. It is clean. Like, really clean. No clutter. No grime. No dust that I can see. No overflowing trashcans. No dirty dishes in the sink (heck, even I have dirty dishes in my sink right now!). No half-empty fast food cups on the bedside table. No Giant Pile O' Change on the dresser. I'm sure he probably tidies up before I come over, but you can just tell that he's a neat and tidy person-- no las-minute cleaning could cover all of these details. It is evident that he doesn't want to live in filth. This is a good indicator of maturity and lack of laziness.

2. He has adult furniture. As in, he went out and bought it at a furniture store. It's not from Wal-Mart (not that there's anything wrong with that -- I have some, myself). It matches. It's not ugly. Not a plastic milk crate, folding chair or futon in sight. Real, adult furniture. Aaaaaaah.

3. So far, I have noticed nothing that states, "I never grew up!" : no empty liquor bottles on display on top of the kitchen cabinets, no beer can pyramids, no Animal House posters, no Playboys on the coffee table. There are no Star Wars collectibles or beer bongs. His Playstation isn't even sitting out. There are no wall hangings or neon bar signs. And he doesn't do drugs, so there are no bongs or pipes laying around. It's like a real, actual grown-up lives there.

4. It's quiet. No pets, no roommates. Not that I don't love having E or my dogs, because I do love them, but gosh it's a nice change! No interruptions or squeaky toys. Makes me want to take a nap. With him.

5. No overbearing parents at his house all the time. (I have a girlfriend who is dealing with this problem at the moment, that's why I noticed this!) His family lives about an hour away, so it is impossible for him to be a Mama's Boy. He does his own laundry, cooking and cleaning. Everything there at his house is his idea. His home is the home of an Independent Man. And that is very, very hot.

6. No evidence of ex-girlfriends or other women. Not a photo, card, dried bouquet of roses or romantic memento to be seen. No mysterious earrings (like one of my college ex-boyfriends had...) or any pink sweatshirts left by "friends". I'm not a very jealous person, but in my experience, random girl stuff usually translates to "he's cheating on you". So it's good that there seems to be none of that. A total lack of ex-girlfriend evidence also indicates an absence of emotional baggage-- a very good sign.

7. There are no bad smells. I haven't been into every room in his house yet, but usually if someone's house smells, the whole thing smells. So it is safe to say that the only thing there that smells is him -- and he smells GOOD.

8. Nothing there is sharp or dangerous like Dr. Seuss's house. CN's house is comfy. The couch is very soft and has plenty of room to spread out. There's a large, fuzzy blanket on it for when I get cold. Even his coffee table is circular, so I don't run into the corners with my shins. I haven't tried out the bed yet, but it's very big, there's a comforter on it and he told me how much he likes big, soft pillows. I am looking forward to this part.

9. Now, before you think he's gay or something, I can tell you there's no evidence of that, either. His fridge is practically empty -- just beer and condiments, really. There are no "accent pillows" or wallpaper borders. There aren't many decorative objects at all, really. He hasn't done any painting, so everything is cream (the walls) and brown (the furniture). There are few, if any things hanging on his walls. And he has a fake plant.

10. You also shouldn't think that his place lacks personality, either. One of the first things you see when you walk in is his drum set. He has foregone a dining room table in favor of a drum set. I can't wait for my first drum lesson! Woo Hoo!! He has a few funny photos in frames of him and his friends -- not your typical "say cheese" photos--they have stories behind them. He also has a small collection of old bottles with his name on them -- it turns out, there used to be an old bottling company by the same name (first and last), and he stumbled upon them during an eBay browse one day. I'm sure there are more little interesting things, and I'm looking forward to discovering them.

11. Nothing in his place indicated that he is insecure. This was not the home of a guy who is out to try and impress someone. Some guys are very in-your-face about their surroundings -- Kama Sutra books displayed prominently, gigantic jars of creatine in the kitchen, paintings by artists whose names are "accidentally" dropped, photos taken with celebrities -- that sort of thing. All of these things are bad, because they scream, "Look how cool I am!!!" -- they reek of desperation and a need for attention and approval. CN's house is just...him. Totally relaxed, totally unpretentious.

12. It's not eerily perfect, either. I've rarely seen his bed made. And there are usually a couple of DVDs lying around. So we know he's not a serial killer or freakishly anal retentive. Whew!

13. There is room for me. He doesn't have only a loveseat in the living room, he has a big couch. He doesn't have a twin bed, he's got a queen. He has more than one pillow and several towels. I haven't looked in the kitchen much yet, but I bet he's got more than one set of silverware. He seems adequately prepared to share his space with other people, especially me.

Now, as long as he passes my Official Bathroom Test, his house will be 100% VB approved!

Wanna read more about this topic? MJ already covered it!

Q & A: Pick-Up Artist

I have been reading some questions from men posted on the discussion board for VH1's The Pickup Artist. Aside from being highly entertaining, they ask some good questions! I am presenting my favorites, along with my answers, here for discussion.

Question #1:What's better??

Guy #1

Good looking/Very good looking
Shy at first
Not a partier/or club/bar goer
Not a big drinker
Nice guy
Laid Back
Intelligent
Likes sports
Cultured (likes the arts,museums.etc)

Guy #2

Avergae looking
Party animal
Attends clubs/bars regularly
knows how to spit game/talk to you
big time drinker
super outgoing/almost obnoxious
not too smart
not cultured. Idea of fun is going to a concert or to the club.

Answer: Well, Guy #1, obviously. Who wants to date a stupid, obnoxious alcoholic? But here is the key: Guy #1 won't approach or ask me out. He never will. He might try to half-ass his way through it or enter into TFZ, but this kind of guy will rarely put himself out there and go for it. But Guy #2 will. And since he likes to get out of the house and be social and is probably fun, I'm probably going to go out with him, or at least give him a shot. Then I will date him for a few months, and probably complain about him most of the time before I dump him. Or catch him cheating on me, whichever comes first. (Hey, I'm trying to be honest here, guys!) So if "Nice" guys ever whine about how they finish last, THIS is why. #2 Guys win by default. Women's choices often come down to: date a jerk so you aren't alone OR....be alone. Neither is easy. And charming goes a long way.

Question #2: [And I paraphrase.] This PUA method seems to rely on deception and lies to get women. Why do I have to become a monster to get women to like me? Why do I have to lie? Can't a woman just like me for who I am?

Answer: Well, what do you think women do when they leave the house? Do you think our hair is really that blonde? Our boobs that big? Our lips that shiny? Please. Women do it all the time, and it's probably something we are "lying" about which is making you want to talk to us! Don't you think it works both ways? Successfully approaching a woman has little to do with lying and deceit and much more to do with coming off as non-threatening, confident and un-needy. Yes, you may feel desperate or lack confidence, but this is about faking it until you make it! Do you think that just because I wasn't born a prodigy pianist, that I'm being fake by learning how to play the piano? News Flash: The girl isn't going to think you're a big, fat liar unless you are actually lying about something. If you choose to put on your most confident attitude, much like choosing to wear a certain shirt, then more power to you! I think the PUAs are just showing men how to do that. It is within every guy. They just show you how to bring out that cool, confident version of yourself. It's sort of like getting a personal trainer at the gym. You weren't born that way. But someone showed you how to to be your best. Just because it's not natural doesn't mean you're lying. Once you have started dating her, you can show her your soft, little underbelly of niceness and vulnerability. Until then, you are competing with Alpha Males who are born knowing how to do this naturally. If you can't beat them, join them.

For many of the same reasons, being in The Friend Zone (TFZ) and then trying to "take it to the next level" doesn't work, either. It's not being your most confident self. It broadcasts desperation ("Well, if I can't be her boyfriend, at least I can be her friend...") and shows a lack of belief in yourself. And guess what -- you're still competing with Alpha Males. The only thing being her Hopeful Friend accomplishes is being non-threatening. Only, it's to the point that you've totally eliminated yourself from her idea of a desirable guy. You've gone too far.

Question #3: [This is one which Mystery answers himself on a little video on the site.]: Should you buy a woman a drink as a good opener?

Answer: No! There are women who try for the Sucker Drink. They are out to get drunk for free, and once she's gotten the drink, you're right back at square one--she's done with you, unless you're going to buy her another drink. These girls are called "Gold Diggers". I know girls like this. You don't want to date them, trust me. Mystery brings up a good point in his answer: It may be unnecessary to buy a girl a drink. She may have just been wanting you to talk to her, and so you just wasted $5 on a drink you didn't need to buy in order to impress her. This is true. Many women can buy their own drinks these days, thankyouverymuch. And some women do not want to get wasted. And do you really want to talk to a woman who is one drink closer to being sloppy? Don't answer that. The thing is, you'll never really know if she's talking to you because she feels obligated to (I have felt this way before), or if she's talking to you because she's really interested in you. Do you want to guess at these things? I didn't think so. I would think you're probably tired of guessing and you'd rather know.

But this is where I end my agreement with Mystery. He also states that some women are not "worth" a free drink. WHOA, Nelly. That kind of attitude will NEVER get you far with women. So you can just tank that idea right now. Look, if you don't want to buy a drink, then don't. But don't EVER have that kind of an attitude and expect women to like you. Ok, your target may like you and not pick up on your attitude, but her friends will smell your attitude a mile away. And they hold a lot of influence.

Mystery suggests instead that the target buys the first round, and then the guy buys the 2nd round. "This is what my friends and I do," he states. First of all, down here in the South, I can tell you most Southern girls would either laugh in your face and walk away, or they would be insulted if you presented that idea to them. Unless she's a drunk 21 year old co-ed. In which case, none of this stuff applies, anyway, because they are dumb college girls. No offense. I was once a dumb college girl myself.

But if he's going to suggest we alternate rounds like he and his buddies do, my first thought will be, "Well, I have plenty of friends. I'm looking for a guy to date. Thanks, anyway." And I will probably leave.

In all honesty, unless he inadvertently spills my drink, he NEVER has to buy me anything. He can wait until our first date to do that. Until then, he is under no obligation. Put your wallets away, gentlemen.

And no, you cannot use the money to buy yourself an extra drink, either. Don't re-allocate your bar money. Have you ever heard a woman say, "Yeah, he was nice, but he just wasn't drunk enough. He should have chugged a couple of Heinekins before coming over and talking to me." ? Didn't think so. Put. Down. The. Confidence. Juice. She's going to have to see you semi-sober at some point. You might as well get her used to the idea now.

The Pick-Up Artist is on VH1 tonight at 9pm, EST. Won't you join me?

Peacocking

Last night was Episode #2 of my new favorite show, VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. (Yesterday's post covers the basic concept behind the show and provides links, if you are playing catch-up.)

For this episode, all the guys were first challenged to get make-overs. They were instructed to try and "peacock", meaning they had to try and dress outlandishly. According to the PUA method, this is important for attracting women's attention. In theory, the crazier you look, the more attention you will receive. Your goal is to stand out from the crowd. Which is funny, because there were recurring themes in this effort to be unique. Here's what I observed:

1. Lots of hair-dying and trendy haircuts.
2. piercings
3. tighter pants
4. entirely too many accessories
5. black painted nails
6. hats
7. funky jackets

What was funny to me was that for the most part, the guys all came out in outfits similar to Mystery's and the other judges' outfits. So....how is that standing out? They basically still all looked the same. Only now they just looked like PUAs. Any girl who watches the show will be able to spot imitators instantly -- they are the ones with the tight pants and fur-lined coat on.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying all guys are great dressers who never need makeovers. Lord knows I am SO SICK AND TIRED of seeing the Southern Guy "uniform"* I'm about to scream. So the occasional fedora or green shoes is refreshing, I have to say. And I'm all for bringing tighter pants back! WOOT!

I personally wish guys would wear tuxedos when they go out, but that's just me...

Most girls like a guy who is fashionably aware. Most girls are not totally against a guy dyeing his hair or putting gauges in his ears. Some girls are probably not against a guy wearing goggles. But some girls are. (Remember, every girl is different!) So I fail to see how this will be a fail-proof method of attracting women. Mystery, according to his interview with Conan O'Brien (see last post), claims that if a girl tells him she doesn't like what he's wearing, he will zip back at her, "Oh yes you do! Otherwise you wouldn't have said that." -- I beg to differ. If you are wearing a crazy outfit, and a girl is telling you she doesn't like it, she means just that. It was probably code for, "Ew. Go away. You're weird."

If all guys start dressing like Mystery, then every guy will eventually look the same. They'll all look like Mystery.

I like a little variety, is all I'm saying. So guys, my advice to you would be this: If you have been wearing the same clothing style since high school, wear the SAME outfit every day or if you dress EXACTLY like all of your friends, it might be time to make some small changes. Do what girls do: hit the mall, see what's new. Talk to a trusted female pal or your sister to see what she thinks. Look at a couple of current fashion magazines. Try a slightly different hairdo. Guys have so many facial hair options these days. Live a little! Don't be afraid of hats or shoes. Buy the stuff you can see yourself wearing. If you feel weird wearing it, that will come across when you're trying to talk to a girl in a bar. Feeling comfortable (ie, like yourself) in your outfit is obviously #1. But there is something to be said for the confidence you can acquire from knowing you look fashionable. So I would encourage guys to try small changes. Girls do notice a guy who looks nice. And we REALLY notice it when your pants show off your cute little butt. ;)

But don't overdo it. Looking like a caricature or a rock star will make you seem like you're trying too hard to be cool. Piling on the jewelry and scarves (yes, I said scarves) and sporting a spiky hairdo which makes you look more like Sonic the Hedgehog than Ryan Cabrera can be overkill. Actually, on second thought, Ryan Cabrera looks like an idiot with his hair like that. But you know what I'm saying. Again, I say to you, look at fashion mags and talk to gal pals. That's why they exist.

I didn't like that the show assumed all of the contestants needed makeovers. Most of the guys were actually good dressers already: they were unique, not afraid of color, fairly contemporary and wearing things which looked good on them. Really, there were only 2 or 3 I thought needed help in the wardrobe department. So why were they all forced to dress so theatrically? I mean, let's be honest, here. These guys don't live in Manhattan or LA. They are from Portland, Oregon or Fort Wayne, Indiana. Dressing like Mystery in these small, American cities will make them look like total freaks! How will being a one-man freak show boost their confidence and self-esteem? I think the judges should keep in mind what sorts of people and places their contestants are dealing with in real life. Girls in these towns are not going to find a guy with a green mohawk or a fur coat to be desirable or fashionable. It's just not going to happen. Unless she's 16 and wants to get back at her parents by freaking them out. It's better for the guy to stick to what's being sold currently in Banana Republic or Gap, to be honest.

Although it's nice to talk to a guy who knows how to dress, I can assure you it's FAR FAR more important to a woman that you come off as interesting, confident and funny. What comes out of your mouth outweighs anything you can wear. As long as you don't look like Urkel or wear something super sloppy or dirty, you're probably ok. And of course, the reverse is also true: if you are the best dressed guy in the room, but you come off as a cocky asshole, a total idiot or totally insecure, you're in the same boat. Good dressing can get you some bonus points, but really, it's a much more minor deal to women. We know you'll let us dress you later on, anyway. It's kind of moot to us.

Hmmm...here's a theory. Is it safe to say that if you want a girl who is a trendy dresser, you should, in turn, dress in more current styles? I'm sure there are guys who don't give a rat's ass what a girl wears--they just want to know when the clothes are coming off. So is it necessary for them to try and be fashionable men? Hmmm. I have to chew on that for a while. What do you think? Does dressing fashionably only apply to guys who want to attract fashionable women? Do guys even notice if a girl is "fashionable"? Or do they only notice if she is half naked or dresses like their mom? Do guys care if a girl dresses in a unique way? Or is it enough to just look like other girls? To be honest, I don't even know if men are aware of women's fashions at all. I need feedback from my male readers on this one. I hadn't really thought about it. I guess girls tend to dress for other girls....and I always assumed that the only "fashion" guys cared about was how much flesh I was exposing or how tight the jeans are. Am I wrong?

The only reason I say all this is because there's this one guy on the show who is just......oh, GAWD he is a total geek!! Seriously, I think this guy is a lost cause. And he did the whole makeover, complete with blue hair streak (which, I personally thought was both totally out-of-style and stupid looking). But he still reeked of geekiness. And all I could think was, "You can take the guy out of the geek, but you can't take the geek out of the guy!" Because he was JUST as nerdy as he was pre-makeover. He even referred to himself as "Scott 2.0" or something. I groaned. Did he need a makeover? Well, to be honest, hell yeah he did! He looked like Poindexter. Did it work? Not one bit.

You see, the thing about the makeover is this: it's not just making over the outside. To be successful, it has to boost confidence and make the guy feel like a more improved version of himself. Someone who feels worthy of a better life than what he had before, because he's not that "old self" anymore. For most of the guys on the show, you could see a difference in their confidence and attitudes after their makeovers. As for the rest of the guys...you could see they felt uncomfortable. I don't know if it was too much change all at once or if they were just too set in their ways. But their makeovers just didn't....click. They behaved the same way and looked at themselves in the same way. Only, in addition, they looked uncomfortable.

Which led me to think, "This hasn't improved his chances ONE BIT." And if so, then the very pretty coeds in the bars were STILL going to shoot him down. He's just a geek in a cuter outfit. So is he trying to date out of his league? Or the bar scene just an extremely unnatural setting for a supergeek? Perhaps he should be using the PUA method in a comic book store or a Renaissance festival??? (No offense to my comic book or medieval festival readers -- I think having a little geek in you is both desirable and normal.) Is the show just creating unnatural situations, setting up the supergeeks to fail miserably for entertainments' sake? Is the problem in the guy or the situation? Is this show giving the supergeek skills he will actually use when he goes home? Or is their point that any guy can learn how to pick up a gorgeous 21 year old in a downtown bar?

Because the last time I went to a bar, I didn't see any supergeeks. Maybe they were disguised as PUAs.....

* Southern Guy uniform: horizontally-striped polo, khakis or cargo shorts, flip flops, croakies, usually a baseball hat. Sometimes a pastel tie, sometimes seersucker. Usually boring. I am not exaggerating when I say that 98% of guys wear this outfit when they go out here. *yawn* I mean, it's fine, it's just...overdone. They can check "Preppy J. Crew" off their lists already. Sheesh.

The Pick-Up Artist

In case you cannot already tell that my personal life must be deathly boring right now, I will continue on with my dating topic....

So this weekend, I caught the encore presentation of a new VH1 show called "The Pick-Up Artist". Like most new shows these days, this is yet another reality competition show. They have gathered up a group of geeky, shy and/or insecure single men and this guy who calls himself "Mystery" is going to teach them how to pick up chicks. Each week, the weakest link will be eliminated, which will only serve to increase their insecurities, which makes absolutely no sense to me. (If they are doing poorly, don't they need to stay on the show??) The winner gets $50k, and I presume, lots of one night stands with unsuspecting 21 year olds. Anyway, here is the trailer for the show.



I don't know if you can watch episode one on the VH1 website for the show or not, but the site does provide a good background on the show's idea, as well as photos of all the contestants. I am going to summarize the first episode here in this post.

When the show first came on, I thought, "Sweet! This fits in perfectly with my blog!" -- which should really point out how much of a nerd I am. Then I thought, "I bet this show is going to be really bad. It can't be better than 'Beauty and the Geek'." [Note: If you have not watched "Beauty and the Geek", I highly recommend it. The geeky guys get coaching from real, actual women, which is how I think every dating coach show should go.]

There are about 8 guys on this "Pick-Up Artist" show. None of them are going to be SOL. Well, except for the token Ultra Nerd, who seems to be one action figure and 20 years away from being a real-life Andy Stitzer. But the rest of them definitely have hope. A couple of them are pretty cute, actually. One guy claims a lot of girls think he's gay. One guy feels he's too old to be doing this, another guy totally freezes up anytime a cute girl is nearby. But for the most part, they just seem to lack confidence, a surefire way to fail at picking up girls. Like I said, though, there is hope for pretty much all of them.

After "meeting" all of the contestants, I was expecting the coach to be a modern-day James Bond: suave, adult, classy and very masculine. I pictured an incredibly attractive and charming Armani-suit-wearing Calvin Klein underwear model. "Oh, PLEASE be Julian McMahon!" I thought. Who comes out? Some Goth version of Kid Rock. He calls himself "Mystery". My eyeballs almost rolled right out of my head. I think I may have laughed out loud. He had SO many strikes against him, right off the bat, in my book:

1. What's with the pseudonym? How pretentious!
2. The only guys who can wear eyeliner and get away with it are Johnny Depp and David Bowie. But that's IT.
3. Guys who paint their fingernails black? EW. Creepy.
4. What's with the goggles, hats and other costume-y outfits??? It looks stupid. Like he's trying too hard for attention.
5. Long hair??? Didn't that go out about 10 years ago???

So as you can tell, he failed to impress me. At all. "That guy couldn't pick me up if he paid me a million dollars. This ought to be good. I can't wait to rip this 'expert' apart. He's probably just as clueless as his students," I thought, as I settled into my couch, along with my diet coke and animal cookies.

But my eye-rolling wasn't done yet. "Mystery" had assistant coaches: "Matador", a cocky, swarthy, Latino-type guy in a leather jacket and "J-Dog", who with his platinum-bleached hair and black stripes down the side of his head (yes, you read that correctly), struck me as The Guy Who Tries Too Hard, rather than some dating coach. He claims he's an engineer by trade. "Yeah, right. I know so many engineers who sport fur coats and dog-spike collars," I mentally sneered.

"I wouldn't touch any of these guys with a ten-foot pole," I thought. "They are all pretentious, cocky and gimmicky. They look like groupies for some Motley Crue Reunion Tour." *more eye rolling*

I almost changed the channel to alleviate my nausea, but then the contestants started to get under my skin. If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's an Underdog Guy. Much like "Average Joe", I was hooked instantly and rooting for all of them.

After all the initial introductions, they threw these poor, unsuspecting guys as-is into a large bar in Austin, TX. It was full of beautiful co-eds. Each one of the guys failed miserably-- boring approaches, awkward comments, depressing topics and entirely too much staring ensued. One guy turned into a complete wallflower and spoke to no one at all, preferring instead to be the Creepy Guy Alone at a Bar (NEVER EVER be that guy. EVER. It is pick-up suicide). In short, they all crashed and burned. I realize it is important to illustrate to the audience how pathetic these guys are, but it's not like they needed to be reminded! My heart went out to them. They were crushed! One guy was crying! I had no idea it was so challenging and stressful for some guys to even just simply talk to a woman! WOW. My eyes have been opened, and I think I will be a lot nicer to creepy jerks and losers who try and talk to me in bars.

But I digress.

My next thought was, "Wait. These guys are all saying they'd like to have girlfriends, but it looks like this show is trying to get them hook-ups or one-night stands. I'm thinking there was a miscommunication along the way. These are Nice Guys who just need some confidence-building. This Mystery guy sounds like he's going to turn them into players! We don't need more players!!! I wish they would show these guys they don't have to choose between Awkward and Asshole!!!! There is a third choice, and it lies in the middle. It's called Awesome. THAT's what they should be aiming for!!! This show is ticking me off!!!"

I almost chucked my remote at the tv at this point (Ok, not really, but it paints a nice image, right?). Then it cut to a shot of all the guys standing in front of Mystery and crew.

"I'm going to ask you guys a pretty personal question right now," Mystery said.
The guys looked at each other nervously.
"How many of you are virgins?" he asked, bluntly.
HALF THE CONTESTANTS RAISED THEIR HANDS.

I couldn't believe it. The youngest guy on the show is about 25, I think. I had no idea it was so bad. "Holy Shit! Forget girlfriends! These guys need to get laid!!" I thought. "I mean, they just need something to get them over the hump, so to speak. They do need this cocky asshole of a coach! WOW!"

This completely blew my mind, y'all. I mean, I could see firsthand how terrible they were at approaching women, but I thought for SURE they must have had some drunk night in college where they lucked out. Um, not so much! These guys need serious help. Some of them have never had girlfriends. Ever.

Mystery & Crew went over each guy's footage with them (the poor guys were filmed as they tried to pick up girls, as if they needed more stress added to the situation...). And although Mystery, Matador and J-Dog made me want to barf, I have to say, their critiques were DEAD ON. It was like they were taking the words right out of my mouth: "Why did you ask that stupid question? Why do you think that would work? Where is that conversation line even going? Why are you ignoring her friend? Can't you tell by the look on her face that she wants you to go away?" etc. Every criticism and comment illustrated the coaches' PERFECT understanding of how to approach a woman successfully. The best tip I heard? NEVER start out with introductions. Women don't like telling strange guys their name. You can get to names later. "Holy shit. That's absolutely right. I never realized that!" I thought.

To add insult to injury, for the last part of the show, Mystery and his Wingmen went into the same bar, about 30 minutes later and showed the contestants how it's done. The Nice Guys were blown away at their success. The Pick Up Artists (PUAs) were totally opposite in their behavior: confident, interesting, upbeat and fun. And although I cannot STAND the way they dress and look, I have to say that at least they would put me at ease. I can't say they'd be successful at getting my number, but I'd definitely rather talk to them than the insecure guys.

Needless to say, I'll be watching Episode #2 tonight at 9pm EST. Want to join me?

If you want more info about this Mystery guy, check out these websites:

Holy Cow, he's got a Wikipedia entry.

His "Venusian Arts" homepage [Insert eye-rolling here.] It claims to have free tips on there, but all I can find are descriptions of his seminars, which cost a SMALL FORTUNE and are SELLING OUT despite that fact. (This totally blows my mind that guys pay so much money for this!!!) I guess I shouldn't be surprised at all of the plugging. This guy is making a living doing this. This is America, after all.

There's also a blog, which has a video I presume is to illustrate the PUA lifestyle: an endless stream of random, half-naked and beautiful women in your bed. [Insert more eye-rolling and gagging here.] It's not really 100% work-appropriate, btw. I can't believe this is the "ideal" lifestyle for so many men. I would title the video "The Fastest Route to Herpes" if I had my way. Is this guy for real? Do men find this lifestyle fulfilling? Is this what men are honestly striving for?

I guess I don't understand men as well as I thought I did....

Anyway, make sure you catch the video of Mystery's interview on Conan O'Brien. (There's a link to it in the sidebar of the blog I just mentioned.) Conan rips him apart, and it's hilarious. As if I need another reason to love Conan O'Brien! I friggin love that guy. I was actually upset when he got married. That's who I want to approach me in bars! Where are the Conans of the world???

Fun Friday: Bad Dates

There's no point in talking about all of this unless we are going to have a good laugh out of it, right?

This is pretty bad....I can only imagine how uncomfortable the guy must have felt.

There's something to be said for being too honest...




Of course, halfway through all of these posts, I discovered that one of my favorite bloggers, Charming But Single, recently wrote similar posts. Only she's a much better writer than I am, so you might want to see what she says:

Five Things I Should Know by the End of Our First Date
Five Things I Should Not Know by the End of Our First Date

I thought this was a good article for guys to read -- Ten Signs You've Been Single for Too Long. Cute Neighbor has 4 that I'm aware of......yeesh.

Have nice weekends, everyone! If I don't post by Tuesday, that means I've been cooked to death in this horrible heat wave! Seriously, our heat index today is about 116. No joke! One radio station here in town is even playing Christmas carols today to at least attempt at helping people stay cool!

Proper First Date Behavior (Part 2)

Part One is below. I posted it yesterday.

11. If you run into a friend/acquaintance while on the date, it is polite to introduce your date to that person. Yes, it might be kind of weird and adult-like to say, "This is my date, Susie. Susie, this is Joe, my squash partner." But you will get points, trust me. You don't have to say "date" either. You can just say, "This is Susie." People can come to their own conclusions about what you're doing with Susie in public. So if she's dressed like a hooker, you might want to clarify. In any case, introducing her to everyone you run into will make her feel like you are showing her off, and that is GOOD. "Ca-ching!!" go the points. (+50 if you're just being polite, +200 if you make her feel like you're showing her off. -150 if you fail to introduce her. And no, "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce you because I didn't remember the other guy's name." is NOT an excuse.)

No one wants to feel they are a secret embarrassment to someone. Which is exactly how she will feel if you don't introduce her. Inside her head, it will go something like this: "Huh. I wonder why he didn't introduce me. Maybe he's embarrassed by me. I knew my ass looked fat in these jeans. Maybe he's got a girlfriend. Maybe he's got a wife. That bastard! Maybe he's just rude. In any case, I'm definitely ordering the lobster now." -- See? Being nice and polite and adult-like can save you money!

12. Do NOT talk on your cell phone while on the date, unless absolutely necessary. (-15,000-35,000, depending on the girl, dating privileges may be revoked.) Examples of absolutely necessary situations: you are horribly lost on the way to the fantastic restaurant where you're taking her, your mother just died, the world is coming to an end. Yup, those are pretty much the only 3 reasons you should be on your phone. This is starting to become a deal-breaker for a lot of women, guys. Just don't do it. Turn off your phone, if you are in the habit of just automatically answering it. No texting, either. (-500 per text) It's like whispering in front of someone -- very rude. Don't be Rude Guy. Feel free to hold Crush Girl to the same standards.

(Unless you're a horrible date, and her girlfriend calls her half-way through, and there's an "emergency", requiring your date to leave ASAP. Don't worry, she'll grab a cab, trust me. In which case, you should just email me so we can go over everything step-by-step, because you have royally screwed up somewhere along the line. Yeah, you're being ridiculed at brunch for SURE. She enacted the Emergency Phone Call on you. Yeesh. I don't even know how many points you've lost by that point. You're definitely in the black hole of negative points, though. Not only have your dating privileges been revoked, she probably won't acknowledge knowing you in public. Ouch.)

13. Do you pull out the chair? Tell the waiter what she will be eating for dinner? Help her with her coat? Hmmm. That is something you're going to have to ask her. (I know, I know! There's so much talking and asking going on! It's like you have to....talk to her. And stuff.) There's just too much variation from woman to woman on those sorts of things. It's ok! This is a first date! You're not expected to know what she likes yet. You're just trying to make a good impression and have fun. You will get points just for asking, actually. (+25 per courteous question) And really, you shouldn't have any points taken off for NOT asking these more difficult kinds of questions. It's just a first date. The girl isn't going to be all nazified on you. Yet.

14. DO NOT be rude to the waiter, waitress, hostess, cab driver or any other stranger you happen to encounter during the course of the date. Also, do not be a bad tipper on first dates. We're watching. Trust me. (-200 per rude/impatient behavior towards service workers, -200 for being a bad tipper.) Woe to the guy who is rude to the waitress when he's on a date with an ex-waitress, but doesn't realize it. (-20,000 and potential loss of dating privileges) However, if Crush Girl ordered her steak medium well, and it comes out like a hockey puck, feel free to stick up for her and demand better service -- politely. (+1,000)

15. Things NOT to talk about: medications you're on, family issues, ex-girlfriends, anything disgusting, kicking dogs, your criminal record, how you "hate people" (yup, I'm speaking from experience!), what your therapist says, how much money you make, how cool you are (bragging in general), anything too vulgar or sexual, politics, religion, any jokes in bad taste and anything too whiny/negative. (- 150 per inappropriate topic brought up. We know you're nervous, but watch it.)

Good things to talk about: travel, music, movies, books, tv shows, embarrassing stories, hobbies, childhood, college, goals for the future (but not marriage & babies), favorite things about where you live, anything that makes her laugh, how beautiful she is, how smart she is, how interesting she is, how funny she is......get my point? (interesting topics: +50 for each topic she seems to get into. +100 for each time you say something really funny. +1,000 if you say something so funny, she has tears rolling down her cheeks.)

Remember: The less talking you do, the more you can learn about her. Girls like to talk about themselves. A lot. People who let us do so get points. You want to be Points Guy. Besides, if you hog the conversation, she will think you're full of yourself. And then she'll order the lobster. (-500 for hogging the conversation.)

16. Do. Not. Get. Drunk. Yes, we know you are nervous. We are, too. But please, we don't want to feel you need to escape reality when you're with us. Limit it to two drinks on the first date, please. Again, we don't want to feel we are babysitting you. (-20,000 if you get drunk and possibly... dating privileges revoked) Do not eat Crush Girl's dinner unless you are invited (-8,000 pts.) and certainly don't eat half of it (again, I am speaking from experience!). Talking Crush Girl into dessert, despite her "protests": +1,000. (You see, girls almost always want dessert. But since we aren't paying, we feel weird asking for it. Smart guys realize this and order it anyway. Also, it's kinda nice if you share it with us. It's romantic and doesn't make us feel like we ate the whole thing.)

17. Regarding the bill: Overwhelmingly, women expect the guy to pick up the tab on the first date. Sorry, dudes. Consider it a small price to pay for having the privilege of being seen with us in public. I don't know about 2nd, 3rd or 4th dates--it can vary from girl to girl and situation to situation. But for the first date, you've gotta cough it up. (Paying for first date: expected, so no points. Not even tolerating the notion of the girl paying a dime: +1,000. Asking the girl to pay half: -5,000. Expecting the girl to pay the whole thing: death.)

18. Finishing up the date! Oh boy! I don't know how guys are, but for me, this is the most nerve-wracking thing about the whole date. I get really nervous, and start blabbing away about nothing. If Crush Girl does that, too, you can take the opportunity to pop a mint as you listen. No one wants to kiss Garlic Guy. (No points for having nice breath. We assume you want smooches, so it's expected that you will take proper steps to make yourself smooch-worthy. Complaining about lipstick getting on you during the smooching process: -100 pts. We put it on to look good for you, jerk.)

Ideally, how should it go? Hmmm. First of all, walk her to the door. This shows effort, consideration, protection (There could be a mugger in the bushes! You never know!) and manners. If you had a good time and want to take her out again, please, for her sanity, go ahead and tell her so. Something along the lines of, "I had a really good time. I want to take you out again, if that's ok. You look fanstastic, did I tell you that?" is good. You don't have to have date #2 all planned out in your head. You don't have to commit to setting the date's day/time, either. Just make it clear you want to take her out again. She will probably reply that she also had a good time and affirm that a 2nd date is in order. Unless you screwed up, in which case she'll probably say, "Uh...yeah, me too!" and then run inside quickly and never return your phone calls. But if you've been listening to me, you are probably golden at this point.

Walking her to the door: expected, so no points.
Not walking her to the door: removal of testicles. Just kidding. But it is pretty insulting, so -10,000.
Asking her out for date #2 at end of date #1: + 1,000
Saying only "I'll call you." : - 5,000 and you can forget smooching.
Saying only "I'll call you" and waiting a week to ask us out for date #2: by this point, she probably hates you. That's another post.

This is when the smooching may or may not occur. If there has been physical contact (her hand on your arm or shoulder, hand-holding, arms around each other) preceding this moment, you're probably cleared for a smooch. If not, you might want to hold off. This is not the end of the world. Anticipation is hot. Trust me.

Let's say the date went REALLY well, and she's invited you in. Do not assume it's to have sex. Sometimes coffee is really just coffee. But if she's been all over you and has put her hand on your thigh, you might just be getting lucky!

19. What if you think all the ingredients for a great date are there, but um, things just didn't go as planned? Don't worry. First dates are nerve-wracking. She's probably as nervous as you are. Most girls will give you the benefit of the doubt and let you have a 2nd shot. Or maybe you just royally messed up. Maybe she did. In any case, life goes on. Cry into your ice cream, or whatever it is guys do after bad dates, and then get back on the horse. Ask her out again, make a joke about your "practice round", and do better on round 2.

20. One last word about your appearance. Do not wear sneakers/athletic shoes or gym clothes, unless you're both going to a sporting event as the date activity. Do not wear flip flops or Tevas (do guys still wear Tevas?) unless it's a pool party or outdoor party. Please do not wear anything wrinkled. T-shirts with funny/vulgar sayings on them are also to be avoided. Ties are not necessary, but please, dress like an adult who is taking this seriously. We put forth some effort to look nice for you. Can't you do the same? Bonus points if you smell good, by the way.

Want more tips? This is a pretty good article.

Proper First Date Behavior (Part1)

3rd in a series. See below.

Let's see. Where did we leave off? Oh yes. You have the plan. You have made the date.

Oh, I didn't discuss lunch vs. dinner date or weekday vs. weekend date. Hmmm. You know, Phantom Hater had good logic behind his love of lunch dates. (See comments in last post.) But I'm a firm believer in Chris Brander's advice in Just Friends: Friends go on lunch dates. So if you are worried that you might possibly be in The Friend Zone (TFZ), dispel all confusion by taking Crush Girl out to dinner. Other than that, I'm going to say, go with whatever. Some people can't really afford to be picky about when their dates occur. *ahem*

Ironic that I've been posting about dating, isn't it? In the 5 years I've lived here, I've been single for 4 of them. WOW.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. It's Date Day (or Night).

This is how to AVOID major foul-ups which could land you a slap in the face and/or Sunday Brunch ridiculing by your date and her girlfriends: Try and make a good impression by being polite and courteous. Try and get to know your date. Relax and have fun -- it's dating, not a job interview.

Oh! You want details? Well, ok. To make this more accessible for my male readers, I will structure this like a game. The more points you get, the better you do.

1. Clean your car. Some girls *ahem* watch this very closely. You might even call it "The Clean Car Test". Guys who clean their cars are out to impress. Be that guy. +/-50

2. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: DO NOT BE LATE. It's insulting and shows a general lack of consideration. It's a good way to make your date feel unimportant. That's not good. Yes, I realize she will still be getting ready when you arrive. This does not mean you can fudge on 10 minutes. You must be on time. If you are going to be more than 10 minutes late, a PHONE CALL is required. And you'd better have a good excuse: your dog is sick, you got a flat tire, you are bleeding from your eye sockets, etc. If you don't have a good excuse, DO NOT LIE. (Do you really want to start lying to her already? You haven't even gone out yet!) Just tell us you're an idiot who lost track of time. We like it when you acknowledge your idiocy. This will actually score you points. If you are late, even with a good excuse, you are expected to make a humble apology. Three times.

Being on time is NOT THAT HARD. Suck it up, be an adult, and be on time. Please and thank you.

On time: expected, so no points. Being late: -100 points for every 5 minutes you are late. Apologizing for being late: expected, so no points. Apologizing fewer than 3 times, or just generally acting like it's no big deal: -100. Calling to say you're going to be late: +5

Note: If you are someone who is chronically tardy, do not worry. Some girls are lax on the tardiness rule, since they, too, are chronically tardy (gee...wonder who I'm referring to....). But the First Date is different. Better to play it safe and be on time. You can ask her during the date if she's a stickler for punctuality. This is called "Learning What She Likes" and it's another one of your goals.

Note: Do NOT show up 30 minutes ahead of time, like one guy did to me once. I had to entertain him for 30 minutes (he needed the TV remote, a drink, etc.) AND he had to see me without makeup on. Not good. Very irritating. Stick to no more than 10 minutes early. Any more than that, and you will lose 50 points.

3. Pick her up at her house (or place of employment). I cannot stress this enough. It shows you're willing to go the extra step. First of all, she's probably going to be running late (tweezing, powdering, outfit changing, hair do-ing, etc.) so you're going to be waiting on her anyway. Second of all, you don't want her thinking, "Gah, he can't even be bothered to pick me up on the FIRST date? This guy is so full of himself, he doesn't care about making an impression on me. Or else he's just incredibly lazy. What a jerk. I'm ordering the lobster." -- See? Like being on time, it's just better to pick her up. You can ask her on the date if she's cool with meeting up next time. ( "Learning What She Likes".) Most girls are considerate and accommodating in this regard, especially if decent amounts of time or money are expended in order to pick her up.

Picking her up for the first date: expected (usually). Picking her up, always: the points progress in value the longer you do it. So if you are still picking her up for everything 6 months into the relationship, you're getting about 100 points per pick-up. Picking her up, but whining about it: -25 points.

Note: Do not take it personally if she's a little on the paranoid side, and wants to meet you there on the first date. Some girls are just hyper-aware of safety. It doesn't mean you're creepy. If you were creepy, she wouldn't be going out with you. In theory.

Note: Another reason you want to pick her up is so that she doesn't have to wait on YOU to arrive. At best, she'll be mad that she had to wait alone, and at worst, another guy could steal your date! (-500 points)

Note: You will probably score lots of points if you are the guy who ALWAYS picks her up. If she thinks you're crazy for being that way or protests the idea, you can just say, "You're worth the effort." You will score even more points (+8,000). This will make it much easier to get into her pants later on.

Note: By picking her up at her place of employment/house, you can get a glimpse into her world: what she's like, what she surrounds herself with, whether or not her coworkers/roommate likes her. This is all good for information-gathering purposes. You can learn a LOT about someone by seeing the inside of their house. Good things to look at while you wait for her, ever so innocently: pics on her fridge, amount of clutter, books/movies/CDs/magazines laying around, evidence of an ability to cook, absence of objects which would indicate there's another man in her life.

4. Do not be negative, whiny or complaining. It's not fun to listen to people bitch and moan. Dates are supposed to be fun. People like being around people who are happy and positive. Feel free to keep track of how negative she is being, btw. No one wants to be dating Debbie Downer. Being negative: -25 pts. per incident.

5. One of the first things you should say is how fantastic/beautiful/gorgeous/hot/thin your date looks. Remember, we will NEVER get sick of hearing this until the day we die, so feel free to gush about it periodically throughout the date. Throw in a "Wow!" or a "No, really, I mean, WOW!" and you'll get even more points. Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Can you hear the points racking up??? (+100 per compliment) Don't overdo it, though or we will stop believing you. 3 times per date is pretty good.

6. Regarding doors and their opening. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where Every Woman is Different. However, I would advise any unsure, single guy to continue opening all doors for her unless she tells you to stop or grabs the door first. That is her way of saying, "I appreciate your kindness, but this isn't 1886 and I can get my own door, thanks. In fact, how about I hold it for you, too?" Rare is the modern girl who would be grossly offended by your opening the door for her. So when in doubt, hold and open all doors: car, restaurant, building, etc. It's better to slightly offend a modern woman (-15 points) than to GREATLY offend an old-fashioned one (-25,000). Because as an old-fashioned woman, I can tell you it really ticks me off when I'm not even worth a door holding. It will blow the date, actually--dating privileges will be revoked. In fact, if the door is not held for me, I will patiently wait until it is. One guy was halfway to the restaurant table with the hostess before realizing I was still outside, waiting for the door. High maintenance? Maybe. But he was very embarrassed, let me tell you.*

* I would like the record to show that this is pretty much the only high-maintenance thing I do. Doors are a big deal to me. You don't have to take me shopping or drive a nice car to impress me. Just open the damn door. It's not that hard. And I'm sure I'm not the only girl who feels like this. Ladies, back me up.

Note: Feel free to stop holding doors open if she doesn't say "Thank you," each and every time. We should be polite, too.

Note: Here's a crazy notion! If you don't know if she would like the doors opened for her, ASK. (+25 points for caring enough to ask.) This is another part of that whole "Learning What She Likes" thing.

7. Keep in mind that women's bodies are not as warm as men's bodies. This has been scientifically proven. There's about an 8 degrees Fahrenheit difference between the sexes when it comes to "comfy". Women get cold very easily, so you will get points for asking her if she is hot/cold/comfortable when you're in the car or at the restaurant. This is called "being courteous." Guess what kind of guy we like to kiss. Ding! Ding! Ding! You got it. (+ 75)

8. Turn the music down when you're in the car. What's more important, her telling you something about herself or listening to "Panama City" for the 4,367th time? Don't you want to hear what she has to say? If not, then why are you on this date?? (+75)

9. Avoid introducing Crush Girl to your Inner Hulk. Deep breaths. No yelling at other drivers. We want to feel like we are out with gentlemen who are in control of themselves, not silverback gorillas who are proverbially beating their chests when their manhood is challenged. Also included in this category are temper tantrums, jealous behavior, etc. (Gorilla-like behavior: -500 per occurrence.)

10. Another one of your goals should be to make your date feel safe at all times. Guys don't think about it much, because they are big, strong, brave and know how to fix stuff, so they don't need to worry about these things. But girls are usually of a more fragile physical nature. A lot of us have no idea what to do when the tire goes flat or when a bird flies inside the house. And we live in constant fear that around the next corner is a mugger, waiting to rob us, rape us and slit our throat. That's why we all carry those little mace things on our keychains. It also plays a role in why we like muscles and tall men so much. Big and strong = safety. You can put your date at ease by reassuring her you can protect her in case of muggers/natural disasters/giant insects/Armageddon/scary things in general. (+5,000 for giving off the "you're safe with me!" vibe, with an extra bonus of 20,000 points if you actually end up protecting her from something truly dangerous. Unless it's a big bug, which only counts for 75 points per bug. If we have to call our fathers or brothers for help, because you are as useless as a little girl when a crisis arises, -25,000. If you carry a gun to work, I will give you + 10,000 bonus. But that's just me. Guns are hot.)

I remember I was on a date with a nice guy once. We were leaving a movie theater when a SUPER creepy guy walked up to us and asked to bum a cigarette. If I had been alone, I would have literally run away from the guy--he was that scary. So imagine my terror to find that not only was my date giving him a smoke, but he proceeded to sit and chat with him for about 5 minutes. Not only was he not quickly whisking me away from Mr. Creepy, he was exposing me to more Mr. Creepy time. That was the last time I went out with that guy. If a girl can't feel safe with you, you don't have anything.

Note: This does not give you license to get into fist fights over trivial matters while on the date. There's a difference between feeling like we are safe and feeling like we are babysitting. See #9, above. (Fist fight on a date = -25,000. In most cases, your dating privileges will also be revoked.)

Part 2 is tomorrow....

Comments? Criticism? Praise? Let's discuss.

On Being the Man with the Plan

Wow. I almost didn't post the last post, because it was so long. I'll try and keep this one shorter. Oh who am I kidding. We both know I will ramble on in this one, too. Here goes. Step-by-step.

Let's assume you've got Crush Girl on the phone, and things are going well. Pats on the back for you, Stud Machine. You've mastered the hard part: The Approach. And you got the digits. Now that you're talking to her, what exactly, do you plan on saying? You've caught the bunny, but what do you do next?

1. First of all, at this point, she knows you're interested. She's also expecting you to ask her out. That is why you got her digits, right?? So go on. It's showtime. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If she gave you her number, you've got about a 95% chance that she also wants you to ask her out. But what if you can't ask her out because you're broke right now/really busy/terrified of her/going out of town for a month/etc.? No problem. Just make sure you either make a date with her by the end of the 2nd conversation (you are allowed one wuss-out phone call) OR, if you truly honestly are very busy, make a date in advance. Something along the lines of: "Man, Susie, you are great. Hey listen. I have to go to Burma for about 8 weeks to inoculate orphans for malaria, but when I get back, I'd love to take you out to dinner. How does that sound?"

My point is, if you can't make a date right away, whether because you're a busy guy or just a regular old wuss (don't worry, some girls are flattered that we can reduce you to a Puddle of Liquid Wimp) -- all is not lost. Just make sure you reassure her that you are indeed interested in taking her out romantically, and not just calling her up randomly.

PLEASE, if you are the guy who tends to be the Puddle of Liquid Wimp, do not waste our time by calling us up just to chat, and then finally getting around to asking us out during Phone Call #12. We are busy, too! Cut to the chase already! The phone is not some kind of free, screening tool you get to use before you are forced to spend money on us. You cannot use ten calls as a substitute for a first date. Doing so will make you seem like not only a total wuss, but also a total cheapskate. Do your screening before you get our number. If you have the number, it's time to seal the deal. To quote Monty Python: Get on with it!!!

2. Let's assume you are not a Puddle of Liquid Wimp, and you have mustered up the courage to ask her out. Wait, wait, wait! Stop that train. Do you have a plan? Because you should. This is the next big important lesson, so write this down: ALWAYS BE THE MAN WITH THE PLAN. This is especially true in the beginning. Having a defined plan for what you want to show her/share with her makes the girl feel you
A) care enough to put some thought into this & you are looking forward to it
B) have neat things to show her, and up until she met you, she's been missing out
C) have confidence that it will be great, and all she has to do is show up and look good
And trust me, all three of these impression are very, very good.

To be The Man with the Plan, you need at least an initial location: restaurant, movie theater, park, store, etc. You can improvise from there, that's fine. Just don't be the guy who says, "I dunno. What do you want to do?" Ugh. I hate hearing that. And I know of other girls who do, too. Newsflash, men: If we thought we were getting everything we want out of life already, we wouldn't have accepted a date with you. Your goal should be to show us what we have been missing out on by dating all those other guys and not you. You know what's great to hear? When a guy starts a sentence with, "Hmmm. Have you ever....?" -- YAY! This is a sign of a guy who has fun, unique ideas!!! This is your chance to show off to her! See if she knows about that cool place you like to hang out. Or if she is willing to try Ethiopian cuisine. Or go kayaking. Just throw out a few ideas and see what she goes for. You can pick something you're experienced in, if it will give you some confidence during the date. That's fine. Plus, if it's a hobby of yours, it can give you nice opportunities for physical contact. Example: If she's never golfed, take her to the driving range. Oh, gosh, she needs some help holding the club. Cue the um, tutoring session......

Other fun ideas include: coffeeshops, bookstores, going to a cooking class, a picnic in a park, going to a comedy show (there is more opportunity for talking than at a movie), checking out a new bar in town, going to an art gallery, taking a salsa lesson, playing pool/darts, the zoo, a sporting event, a round of tennis or putt-putt golfing (I have found that a little healthy competition can really make sparks fly...).

Don't rule out something neither one of you have tried. It could be really fun. You can do the whole dinner-and-a-movie thing later on. Right now, you want to impress the bejeezus out of her. So having a kick-ass plan is crucial. Have three or more ideas lined up to toss her way.

Things which would be bad ideas include:
shopping (are you gay?),
painting pottery (again, are you gay?),
anything where the two of you are totally alone (public places make her feel safe, and private places -- like your apartment -- make her feel like you are only interested in one thing),
meeting any member of your family (too much pressure),
meeting your friends (unless she already knows them -- again, too much pressure),
taking her to a work function (um, you don't know her well, so is that a risk you want to take?), taking her to Olive Garden (or any major chain restaurant, unless you live in Podunk and you have no other choice),
camping (we want to feel pretty on our first date, not grungy)
taking her to any sort of convention/fan club event (unless you've had a Kung Fu moment, where you've discovered she's into the same unusual hobby you're into)
planning something where she won't have time to get pretty for the date because she has to come straight from work (this might add to her stress, something you don't want to cause)
the gym (this is something you do once you're bf/gf.)
a trip to anywhere out of town (too soon! Easy, tiger!)
asking her to lunch (unless you are honestly THAT busy, we will just think you have a wife/girlfriend! Pony up for an evening date, even if it's just drinks! Friends go to lunch. Boyfriends and girlfriends go to dinner. Nuff said.)
car show/electronics shopping (unless she's as into it as you are)
an engagement party/wedding (you might freak her out!)
anything with babies (again, freak out is possible! -- Yes, women can freak out about that stuff, too. Men are not alone in this.)

Also, nothing involving politics or religion. That's a date #2-3 topic.

3. Um, actually, let me just go ahead and talk about the dinner-and-a-movie thing right now. It is the CRAPPIEST first date EVER. Why? First of all, she's done it a zillion times. It's hard to get excited about that. (Trust me, you want her to be excited, and preferably, gushing to her girlfriends about how you have a supercool date idea.) Second of all, there is no talking for half of the date. By the end of it, you scarcely know each other any better than you did when the date started. I mean, let's face it. That first meal together is usually awkward small talk. The third reason is that it's TOTALLY BORING. *yawn!* These guys are a dime a dozen. Anyone can come up with dinner-and-a-movie. Save that for later on, when a movie comes out that you both REALLY want to see. By then, you'll be comfy enough with each other to get some mid-movie smooching in, too. See? I have your best interests at heart, guys.

4. Alright, let's say you would love to make a super-impressive plan, but you are broke. Or you work weird hours. Or you currently don't have a car. Whatever. That's fine. You are just going to have to work around it and get creative. This is a good time to call in some backup: Run your ideas by friends, gal pals, married guys or even your sister/Mom. They can help you sort out the details. Girls are especially helpful in these sorts of situations. Never forget that everyone -- even Crush Girl -- is pulling for you, man. And guys who can make it happen, despite the odds? Hot. Way hot. The more effort you put into pulling off a great date, the more memorable it will be for her. Exhibit A. Oh, and you don't need to brag about all of your effort. She'll pick up on it, trust me. And spending large amounts of money isn't necessary for a good first date to happen. Unless you're dating a gold digger. In which case, why are you reading this?

5. Are you wondering why you have to do all the work? Ok, that's a legitimate question. Let me put it to you this way. Do you want her to feel special? Important? Relaxed? Then you need to do the planning for about 2 dates. After that, you can start getting input from her. The only thing she should have to do to get ready for date #1 is to look good and show up with a smile on her face. Everything else is your job. Telling her that not only does she have to shower, shave, dry her hair, do her hair, put on her makeup, find an outfit, call 3 girlfriends for 2nd opinions on the outfit, change outfits 4 more times, pluck her eyebrows, talk to her mother -- who has called to lecture her about proper date behavior as though she's never been on a date in her life, change her lipstick, re-curl that lock of hair, spray perfume, select matching earrings, look in the mirror to see how her butt looks in that outfit as opposed to outfit #4, change purses and clean the front hallway/room of her house before you ring the doorbell.......but she ALSO has to pick the restaurant and date activity?! Whew! I'm tired and stressed out, just from re-reading that! Do you want your date to be tired AND stressed? I didn't think so. Trust me, and just plan it, ok? She will be grateful you did.

NOT being The Man with the Plan sends out the following message: "Yeah, I'm interested enough to ask you out, but not interested enough to really think about how it will go. So if it gets messed up, eh. No biggie. I didn't really care to begin with." OR "OMG, I am paralyzed by fear at the thought of possibly messing this up and then you will hate me. I will feel better if you just run the show, because I need to spend the date in the bathroom, calling my mother."

UGH! The first one makes you sound like a cocky asshole who doesn't view Crush Girl as special (very insulting!) and the second one makes us want to beat you up, just because we can! How do you expect us to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself? Is this really what you are going for???

The attitude we want to hear is this: "I have really been looking forward to this for a while. You are amazing and I'm really hoping to make a great impression. So just sit back, relax, and let me show you a great time."

Ahhh. Music to my ears.

6. So, at this point, you've got a cool plan/restaurant/activity in mind. Great! And you've mustered up the courage to ask her out. Super! And she said yes! That's wonderful! Just set a day and time, get directions to her place (unless she wants to meet you there) and call her the day before to confirm all the details. (You can call the "day of" to confirm details, but why leave Crush Girl hanging like that? Best to call the day before.)

WHEW. Ok, the most difficult parts are over. Now, you just have to impress her ON the supercool date.....

Thursday 13: Tips for Guys

[This is actually a post I wrote a while back, but never actually published. And no, Cute Neighbor still hasn't officially made a date with me. Bummer, I know. But let's not dwell, ok?]

Lots of dating/relationship posts popping up these days. I thought I'd put together a handy-dandy list of my own. And yes, of course, all of this is open for debate. Obviously, I cannot claim to be an expert on dating or male/female relationships at all. Exhibit A: my currently abysmal dating life.

Ok, here we go. Uh-oh, I feel a new series of posts coming on....

13 Dating Tips for Guys: Getting the Digits

1. Alright, so you like a girl. Now, before you run around town, wasting her time and yours, let's stop and think about whether or not it would be a good idea to ask her out in the first place. If you are dating someone else, you obviously need to deal with that first. Assuming you're all clear in that department, please, keep reading. Have you heard anything about Crush Girl? What do you already know? Do her friends seem normal? Have you seen any potential red flags (for example, an annoying laugh, a bad habit, obsessive tendencies, a bad temper, an affinity for talking about her ex)? Does she have an actual brain in her head, or do you really just want to bang her? Have all your conversations with her been in the presence of who-knows-how-much alcohol? Hmmm. Perhaps it's good to stop and consider these sorts of things. You might want to change your strategy from "dinner date" to "booty call". Which is totally fine, if that's what she wants, too. But that's a different post. Let's assume you want to take this girl out to dinner. If you don't know jack squat about her, other than she seems great, you need to do some work. Talk to her! What are you waiting for? Her new boyfriend to show up? Go!!

2. Continuing on with the "Is this even a good idea?" thing: proceed with caution under more specific circumstances. Examples of things to consider include: Do you work together? Has she ever dated one of your friends? Is she a friend of your sister's? Is she a friend of your ex-girlfriend's? Is she a neighbor? Is she your boss? Is she of legal age?Is she currently going through a personal crisis, such as divorce, a death in the family, a chemical addiction or major surgery? Is she famous/a local celebrity? I'm not saying it's a bad idea to ask her out if one of these applies (well, unless she's underage, in which case, you're a big perv). I'm just saying, tread carefully, and don't take it personally if you get shot down. If these women were traffic signals, they would be orange cones or flashing yellows.

You're still interested in asking her out? Ok, great. Let's get down to business.

3. Let's start with times/places where it is appropriate to ask a woman for her number. Good places include: parties, bars, Starbuck's, bookstores, Blockbuster, Target, parks, waiting rooms, waiting in line, and maybe even the gym (unless you are really stinky and sweaty!). Bad places include: funerals, work, a corner you've literally backed her into, beauty salons, closing time at the bar, baby showers (why would you even be at a baby shower in the first place??), anywhere where large numbers of people could possibly hear her rejecting you or in front of your Mom. In short, catch her when she's relaxed, sociable and happy. Don't interrupt Girl Time, her presentation to the Boss's Boss or put yourself at risk of job loss/major humiliation. She shouldn't feel there is any pressure. Are we all clear on the boundaries involved in when/where to ask her out? If you have any questions, let me know in the comments. I'm sure there are situations I haven't covered.

4. Is there any way to know ahead of time if she will say yes, thereby avoiding rejection? In a word, no. Unless you can read her mind. I'm sorry to tell you that. But you see, the very FIRST thing you must learn to understand about women is that EVERY WOMAN IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT. If there is one thing I wish men knew, it's that. So memorize it, write it on the back of your hand, tattoo it on your forehead if you want. I hate to break it to you, guys. But sometimes, you just gotta cross your fingers.

I could tell you signs that I give when I'm hoping a guy is going to ask for my digits (I will make perverted jokes, pull my hair off my neck, ask lots of questions, laugh at his jokes, avoid talking about ANY other guys and probably stare entirely too much), but that is ME. And unless you are wanting to ask me out, you just wasted 20 seconds reading that last sentence. So while I cannot tell you IF she will say yes, I can tell you that your chances will be better if you do the following:

5. You wait until the right opportunity: Women do like a guy who makes himself useful. Did she drop something? Does she need a light? Is she having a hard time hailing a cab? Is there some creepy drunk guy annoying her? -- these sorts of things are perfect conversation starters. Plus, as an added bonus, you can see if she's grateful/polite to strangers. Anyway, let's assume you've passed the hurdle of the initial small talk. It's going well if you have been chatting for a while and you are alone (remember, you don't want to be rejected in front of her friends!). If she is interested, she will be trying to get you alone anyway. It is key that you wait for a while, listening and talking to her, before you ask her out so that you don't come off as the guy who is only trying to get in her pants. Don't be the guy who asks out anything that breathes. We pick up on those guys pretty quickly, and it's really insulting, and makes you seem desperate. Wait until she realizes you like her personality and brains, too. If she's still talking to you after 30 minutes, you're probably golden. 5 minutes? Eh....you need to chat her up some more.

6. You avoid cheesiness in your approach: No pickup lines, please. Ever. Seriously, those things should be illegal. If you're in a bar, and you are checking a girl out, try and introduce yourself. What a concept, I know. Try, "Hi. I'm John. You look like you need a drink/laugh/pretend boyfriend. May I be of service?" And go from there. It helps if you have something witty to say. Everyone likes a good laugh. It breaks the ice. Don't panic if something terrible happens. As awful as it sounds, one guy successfully got my digits after he spilled a drink ALL OVER ME. But he said something funny, and bought me a diet coke. So don't worry if you do something klutzy. It can be endearing, and not all is lost. But funny is better. If you're not amazingly witty, try giving her a compliment. Girls never EVER get tired of being told they are beautiful or smart or interesting. You can try and be funny later. DO NOT comment/compliment on ANY sexually related physical attributes or you will make her feel like a piece of meat. I don't care if she's half naked. Don't make any comments about her boobs, ass, belly chain or legs. Good things to compliment include: her perfume, her eyes, her laugh, her smile, her amazing knowledge of the War of 1812. Don't compliment her shoes or bag unless you want her to wonder if you're gay. And also, do not touch her, unless invited to, or if she touches you first. Just because we are dressed like hookers, doesn't mean we want to be treated as such. I realize this makes no sense. Deal.

7. You come off as a nice guy: That means, you aren't dressed in raggedy clothes, you don't smell like motor oil, you are relatively sober, you are polite and you are in a good mood. If you are grungy or drunk or pissed off at all, do not ask her out. Just go home, please. Please do not be the Bragger, who brags about himself, hoping to impress the girl. Ugh. We all hate those guys who make a point of telling the girl about his BMW. Well, maybe some girls like it. Gold diggers, probably. Please do not be Pressure Man, who thinks he can talk his way into a date. You're not pitching a sale. No means no, motherfucker. Trying to change her mind will only annoy her. Just leave. Please do not be Anti-Women Man. If you're still reeling from your most recent breakup, please do not advertise this by littering your conversation with anti-women, anti-feminism comments. Newsflash: We don't like that. (You'd be amazed to know how many guys think we will be excited to go out with them after hearing about what a "cheating, lying bitch" their ex was.)

8. You come off as a normal guy: You are not dressed like Darth Vader (unless it's Halloween, in which case, by all means, use that 'Dark Side' line because it works every time), you do not start every conversation with, "My mom always said...", you do not tell stories about kicking dogs. (Oh yes, I am speaking from experience!) Is it too much to ask that you keep your dryer lint collection to yourself for a while? Remember: women are analytical by nature. We loooove to pick men apart. Trust me, you don't want to fuel this fire. Stash your issues, obsessions and medications at home. It's always better to be boring and normal than weird. Trust me.

9. You come off as yourself: being a little nervous is cute (I know guys hate that word, but really, it's a good thing). Being fake is not. Most girls will see right through that stuff. Don't beat yourself up about your faults/receding hairline/inability to spell. But do realize that girls like confident guys. If you don't like yourself, we will be on to you. So don't ask us out unless you like yourself. Take a deep breath, realize women are not perfect either and know that she's either going to say yes or she's not. Don't think you can talk her out of it. (See "Pressure Man", above.)

In general, your goal should be this: Polite, Confident and Funny. THAT is the ideal approach, in a nutshell. Few women are going to say they would not like that guy.

10. Signs you need to abort mission: she is ignoring you, whispering to her girlfriends in front of you, suddenly has to go to the bathroom, refers to her "boyfriend", flirts with your wingman and isn't doing lots of smiling/laughing/touching around you. You can't seem to get her into a one-on-one conversation. Also, she hasn't made eye contact with you at all. These are classic signs that if you ask, she will say no. Maybe even hell no. Best to pack up, and move on to someone more worthy. Try your best not to be The Guy Who Needs A Clue.

11. Ok, let's say everything is going swimmingly. She's laughing at your jokes, touching your arm and winking. You are thinking of getting her digits. Thinking some more. Weighing the pros/cons.....oh, shit. She just left. You totally missed your chance. Next time: Just. Go. For. It. Most single girls I know (*crickets chirp*) -- ok, there aren't many single girls left here in Columbia. But really, most single girls I've talked to are still old-fashioned enough to want the guy to make the first move. And we would LOVE to be asked out. Some more than others. Because some of us haven't been on a date in 8 months. *ahem* And since women give well over 100 signs when flirting with men, contrasted with men's 4, she's probably already interested and you just don't know it. She probably already knows you're interested, too. It's not like we are clueless, trust me. Guys are pretty easy to figure out. But she's not going to wait around all night, flirting like mad and getting no response. Hot Girls have things to do and people to see. We don't make total idiots out of ourselves until much later.

12. If you have missed your chance at getting the digits, and she's gone, what do you do? Use your resources. You know she likes the bar/store/street where you just talked to her. Maybe she will be back there next weekend. Did she tell you where she works? Lives? Her last name? Now, I'm not advocating stalking, because TRUST ME, that will never work. But they do make these things called "phone books", and some girls still have their numbers in there. And if you just happen to be at that little deli near where she works around lunchtime, I betcha you might run into her. If she mentioned a hobby or a pet, go to places where those sorts of people go. But above all, learn your lesson: Strike While the Iron is Hot. Good things come to those who go for it. The ballsy guy gets the girl. (Oh, that was awful. I'll stop now.)

Wait, wait wait. What do you mean, "that's too much work"? Ahhhh....then you must not have really wanted to get those digits in the first place. Am I right??? So go find her! Just say something along the lines of, "Hi. I'm John from the other night. I really meant to ask for your number, but I wussed out because I'm an idiot. So can I have it now? I'd really like to take you out to dinner." -- This will probably work. We like it when you acknowledge your stupidity. Plus, she will be flattered that you tracked her down. Unless you are knocking on her kitchen window when you do this. In which case, you've crossed the Stalker Threshold, and have totally missed the point of this post.

13. Ok, so you've got the digits! Score! Do you call right away? Do you wait 3 days? 5 days? A week? Like I said, EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT. A good rule of thumb is this: the less she knows you, the sooner you should call. Have you been working with her for months? Wait a few days. Did you talk to her for 10 minutes at a bar? Call a little sooner. Don't be the guy who waits so long that she's forgotten who the hell you are. At the same time, you want to show you aren't desperate and that you have a life. (Refer to the infamous scene in Swingers if you don't know what I mean.) I know, it's hard. But I will tell you that waiting as long as possible will drive her crazy. That's a good thing, in this case. Also, if you get her digits on a Saturday, she's probably giving you until about the following Wednesday to call. Does that give you a good rule of thumb? Wait too much longer, and she will convince herself that you are a jerk and/or you aren't really that into her.

This also might be a good time to stop and think about what kind of a girl she is. If she's more laid-back, not Southern and a sort of "go with the flow" kind of girl, you can call whenever the hell you want.

But if she's like me, you should wait at least 48 hours.

Then again, every woman is different.....

Next installment: How to Plan & Execute Date #1

Flashes in the Love Stinks Pan

Ugh, you know I hate it when I whine. Not only do I manage to annoy my readers, I annoy myself. To boot, it makes me feel guilty. I am a very lucky person, with much to be grateful for: health, money to pay my bills (um, hopefully...), my family is safe, my car is currently running, etc.

So this post promises to be 100% WHINE-FREE. *readers cheer and applaud*

Instead of whining about how much love stinks, I'm going to list anecdotes from those moments in my dating history when something GOOD actually happened. (Single guys, you might want to take notes.)

This might take me a while. Let's see....it can't all be bad....right?

One summer in high school, I briefly dated this guy, who, despite my raging acne and teenage insecurities, thought the sun rose and set on me. (At the time and to this day, I have no idea what he was thinking. Seriously.) I would love to say that I appreciated him for seeing such wonderful things when he looked at me, but he ended up being a horrible kisser, so it didn't last long. Also, his main hobby was dropping acid in first period, which really wasn't my scene. If I remember correctly, the vast majority of my attraction to him was due to the fact that he worked at Steak n Shake and he would give me free milkshakes when I came in. Also, he had a fantastic collection of rave/techno CDs which he'd let me borrow. Gosh, I had such high standards then...but, he does stick out in my memory because of a wonderful evening. He called me one afternoon and asked me if he could pick me up at 8pm. "Sure," I replied. "What are we doing? And wait...you don't have a car."

"Don't worry, it's a surprise," he said.

My parents said it would be ok, although they didn't like him very much (he had a few too many piercings for their taste). As I started to get ready (for what, I had no idea), I realized with horror that I was breaking out in hives all over my body. (To this day, I have no idea what caused it, nor have I had hives since). In order to avoid looking like a freak, I was forced to wear jeans and a long-sleeved top to hide my itchy, red bumps. Keep in mind this is in the middle of summer, so this outfit was very out-of-season and was making me sweat buckets. Wow, sexy.

8 o'clock rolls around, and he picks me up in his friend's car: a brand-new white sports car. He had somehow gotten off of work early and talked his coworker into letting him borrow the car.

I was already impressed. And we hadn't even gone anywhere yet.

We got in the car and headed towards downtown Indianapolis. (Remember, I went to high school/college in Indiana). He refused to tell me where we were going. Once we got to the heart of downtown, he parked the car. We got out, and he grabbed my hand. "Come on!" he said excitedly.

We walked into the ground floor of one of the skyscrapers and got into the elevator. I was curious when he hit the button for the top floor. I had no idea what was going on.

The elevator doors opened, and we stood at the entrance to The Eagle's Nest. It had just opened, and I had only heard about it: the rotating restaurant on the top floor of a hotel. (You can see a pic of the view if you click on the link). We got a table by a window and ate dessert as we watched the sun set over the downtown skyline.

Now, I'm not one for romantic gestures, as the vast majority of them make me throw up a little in my mouth, but this was pretty good, I gotta say. Anytime a guy puts forth effort like that, I'm always impressed. Considering I can still remember every detail of it over ten years later, I'd say this was one of the best dates of all time. Even though he ended up locking the keys in the car and we had to wait for a locksmith to open it. Which was pretty funny, actually.

I dated a guy my sophomore year of college. He's a great guy, and we are actually still in touch. We just have nothing in common. He is a rock climber. I am not. So that pretty much sums up why things never worked out between us. After finding myself on the side of a mountain in Kentucky one weekend, I remember thinking, "Ok, I just don't know about this."

*Readers who know me in real life are staring at their computer screens right now, jaws in their laps. "VB? On a mountain??? Willingly??"*

But the reason I will never forget him, even if we lose touch, is this: he would write me love letters. Good ones. So good, in fact, that I have kept every single one of them. (Maybe I should tell him?) To date, he's one of only two guys who ever wrote me love letters. Since he lived in Indianapolis and I was away at school in Bloomington, we had a long-distance relationship. So phone calls and letters were really how we spent time together between 2ce monthly visits.

The letters were never too corny or sappy. Just very sweet, thoughtful and honest. At the time, I remember being amazed at how open he was about how he felt. Come to think of it, I still am. But one letter in particular stood above the rest. It was a card. The front was blank, except for a little red heart. The inside had something short and cute printed in the middle of the facing page. But I can't remember what the little printed greeting was. That's not why I kept the card.

I kept the card because in every possible space, crammed in teeny-tiny writing, over and over and over, it said, "I miss you." It must have taken him forever, and I would say he wrote it at least 100 times, all over the inside of the card. My eyes welled up with tears instantly. Every time I take the card out to look at it, my eyes well up again. And sitting here, typing this story, my eyes are welling up just thinking about it. I'm sure he had no idea at the time how much that card would impact me or how much I would treasure it. Whenever I think about it, to this day, it puts a smile on my face to know that at one time, someone felt that way about me.

Again, it's the effort that gets me when it comes to falling for men.

*VB leaves to go find kleenex.*

Ok, deep breaths. I'm better now. Gosh, maybe I am a little sentimental, now that I think about it. I have always said I'm not much on bubble baths and champagne, but maybe I am. I have always thought of myself as liking the same kind of romance as The Czarina: the very unromantic kind. "Fall for the guy who jumps your car," she has always told me. (Apparently, WLF scored major points with her by jumping her car one day. I gotta say, that would also score major points with me.)

There is something to be said for a guy who goes out of his way to make your life easier, even if it doesn't involve roses or chocolates. A reliable man whom you can count on is most definitely a keeper.

Which leads me to my final anecdote. While this isn't as grand a gesture as what the high school boyfriend did, and it doesn't bring tears to my eyes like the card from the college boyfriend, this gesture I'm about to share made me just as happy.

Right out of college, when I was living in Fayetteville, NC and teaching school, I dated a string of army guys. (Ft. Bragg is in Fayetteville, and so men in that town outnumber women by about 8 to 1. It was a fun year, let me tell ya. I always tell people that Fayetteville is like Disneyworld for Single Girls). Anyway. The first guy I dated was named Dan.

Soon after we started dating, Dan was getting out of the army and moving home to Oregon. Because he was in the process of getting out, he had some time off, and since he was technically no longer in the army, he needed a place to stay for about a week before his flight left to Oregon. I told him he could stay with me.

Meanwhile, I was working 12 hour days as a first year teacher. One day, I whined to him about how filthy my apartment was and how I had no time or energy to clean it. "I'm cleaning it tonight when I get home. I can't take it anymore," I said. Then I went to work.

By the time I got home that night, he had cleaned my entire apartment. Everything. He even put the clean dishes away and picked up all my clothes. He even dusted. The whole place was spic and span and smelled fresh and clean. When I realized what he had done, I began to literally squeal with delight. "Yeah, guess what I did all day?" he said, a big grin on his face. I literally jumped into his arms, showering him with kisses and then proceeded to make him dinner.

A few days later, he moved back to Oregon. He wanted to keep in touch, but I really didn't see the point. We didn't have all that much in common and we hadn't been dating very long. But he was a really sweet guy. I'm sure he's making some girl in Oregon very happy now.

Well, those are the three that stick out in my mind the most. I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them right now. In a way, it's experiences like these that keep me going, that keep me hopeful about dating. Someone did nice things for me once, and someone will do them again. Although the relationships never worked out with these guys, I am grateful to them for showing me how there are good guys out there and that I am worth a little extra effort.

The Match, part 1

I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick me. -- Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

To which Miranda replies, "So, what, you're like a flystrip for dysfunctional men?" To which I say, "Yes! This is so true! And Match only confirms this statement!" I thought the bars were bad with their slightly-too-old-for-me drunk redneck guys, but the urban adventure which is Match.com really brought the freaks out of the woodwork.

I have been reading some other blogs [see sidebar] and the topic of online dating comes up on occasion. I would like to contribute to the discussion. But first, some of my personal experiences...

• Foot Fetish Guy-- a self-described "foot fetisher" and lover of "pale-skinned women", his picture was taken in approximately 1986 since the photo appears to be his entry into the New Kids on the Block try-outs. Denim shirt (opened to expose 'physique'), slight mullet, one foot propped up on something, cheesy grin...he looked like Rambo's gay brother. His email to me talked about rubbing my long, pale feet no less than three times. Did I mention he lives three states away? (Thank God!)
• Various old guys-- Ranging in ages, one as old as--get this--71. What 71 year old is even computer literate, let alone horny? These perverts get the standard "dirty old man reply" : Maybe you should try emailing my mother since she is closer in age to you, sicko! (and is it just me, or is a perverted screen name a dead giveaway that it's an old guy? do they think chicks dig horny old men?)
  
• Not Really Ready Yet Guy-- His entire profile was one long rant about his bitterness towards women, his ex and Match. It was hilarious, but that doesn't mean I want to get with someone with so much anger.
• Lecture Invite Guy -- truly a mystery. His emails were never real actual emails, but invites to various lectures around town. They read like mass-invites because he never even mentioned me or asked me any questions. I think he just wanted young women to go to these lectures so that he would have some eye candy or something. Some of them I actually would have gone to, since I'm a geek like that, but I feared meeting this 55 year-old face-to-face. I blocked him and notified Match.
• Kind-of-Sad Guy -- If he weren't so strange, I would feel bad about mentioning this guy. He is deaf, which is sad, but he cannot spell or communicate using common English grammar for s--t. It is to the point that his profile is basically unintelligible. Seriously, either get a proof-reader or resign yourself to only dating girls who can't read. But the wierd thing is, homeboy has about 45 pictures on his profile. No joke. Now, everyone who has a big hobby is cool in my book. And just about every contact is flattering. Even if they are...wierd. Each one of his pictures were of him doing tae kwon do. Ok, that's cool. But towards the end, they showed him doing tae kwon do while wearing various costumes...like Star Trek, ninja, etc. The weirdest one was him sitting on a horse wearing a full armor suit. Like as in, Sir Galahad or something. Methinks the lad doth take one too many wollups in ye head...
  
• The Why-Do-You-Think-This-Could-Happen People-- one lived in England, one lived in Korea, one was still married, one was a woman (who was "finally ready to explore"), one lived in Florida but was in my town one day per month, one was 18, one was obviously not out of the closet yet, one still lived with his mother and one was unemployed. (I'm sorry, but I don't think it's too much to ask that they be gainfully employed! But I guess he's honest, right?)

Although, nothing comes close to the number of people to whom I just want to reply, "RTFP!" ("read the friggin' profile!") What part of I'm looking for a man between the ages of 26-36 who lives within 50 miles of Columbia, SC who has a job and a college degree is vague or up for debate? I mean, do I really have to add: Yes, I really do mean men only. No, I do not like it when someone gets his jollies while rubbing my left foot. Yes, I do mean full-time employment. And your little quickie-mart night shift doesn't count. If you are living with mom, call me when you move out. If you are still married, what are you doing reading this right now? No, 26-36 does not mean "26-You're Only as Old as You Feel" or "26-I Know You Said 36, But I make a lot of money and want to spend it all on you."

The only logical explanations are that they simply don't read my profile or think they can change my mind. Both explanations are insulting. So I don't respond, and then they send me one of those "Gosh! The least you can do is reply and tell me you aren't interested!" emails. To which I want to reply, "Gosh, the least you can do is RTFP! It's there for a reason, f--ktard!" And then all the great, cute, smart and funny guys think women have attitudes. Can you blame us????

Right now you are saying, "Oh, they can't all be that bad!" Oh, yes they can. Here are my dates so far:

Date #1-- Nice guy, but his photo showed him having a full head of hair. (Some girls are ok w/baldness, I'm not one of them. I don't care if they get that way one day down the road, but I don't start w/bald. There are a few exceptions. I said few.)

Date #2--Another nice guy, and I really would have liked it to work out, but he was a horrible kisser. And clingy. Both are instant deal-breakers for me as I see these as "unfixables". Not to mention awkward topics to bring up. Next!

Date #3--No. Spark. Bor....ing.

Date #4 and #5--Dr. Seuss and Small World Guy (See previous post)

Upcoming--Danger Dan and Cute T. (I hope, I hope, I hope he is one of those cute, smart, funny guys....!)

Can anyone tell me the average number of dates you have to go on before actually meeting your match? Because right now, the thought of going on another blind date makes me want to vomit. Match should keep track of statistics like this and give me little pep talk emails like, "Hang in there! Only 3 more awful dates until statistics show you will meet your next boyfriend!"

Until then, I will be checking my winks...