Wednesday, January 11, 2006

BS-Free Zone, Part 2

This one will be shorter, since the answers/comments to these questions tend to be on the longer side. Opine away, my lovelies! (I decided to go ahead and give my own answers in this one, since I'm uber-bored at work today. Will this day NEVER end?)

1. Can you (or do you) plan your love life the way you would plan for your job? Is it something you make happen through planning and hard work, or are you more of the passive type who waits around? How much time do you spend on developing/sustaining your relationships/lack of relationships?

Answer: I used to be passive. But now, thanks to my biological clock and hatred of sleeping alone and possibly dying alone, I'm super active. I'm even considering moving to a town where there are more single men. Am I sad? Probably. But I'm having a pretty good time, I must say!

2. How would your Significant Other know that they did a good job in bed? (You don't have to give a personal answer. Any gender-encompassing stereotype will do.)

Answer: Men, I'm really sorry, but I can't really give an answer to this. Any guy who is thinking, "Was that it?...Wait, was that it?" -- I feel for you. Not only is the female uh, reaction notoriously & mysteriously hard to recognize/hard to come by (oooh, that was a bad pun!), but it's been a while for me, so I can't really answer clearly as it is all a faded and distant memory for me! Hmmmm.... If you can get all her clothes off, you're pretty much in like Flynn. But as far as knowing if your skills are up to par....It is a good sign if you don't need any Astroglide! It's a good sign if she can hardly walk afterwards. It is a good sign if she wants to go again right away. (Unfortunately, this could also mean you beat her to the finish line.) Or if she totally passes out afterwards because she's exhausted--that's a good sign. Nine times out of ten, the longer you take, the better love you make! Ha! My new saying...

And to all the women reading this who are faking it--are you high? Why are you promoting bad behavior???? Stop it! Right now!

3. Do you give tests when you are dating?

Answer: Oh, yes! My girlfriends are familiar with my Bathroom Test. I started giving this test when the whole Metrosexual Movement started. I am 150% opposed to this movement. I want hairy, stinky, sweaty, manly, rough, dirty bodies!!! (Ok, I can do without the stinky and dirty, but you get my point.) So, the first time I'm at a new guy's house, I go into the bathroom to look for signs of Metrosexuality. The following items will cause the guy to flunk instantly (this is only a partial listing): a hairdryer, clear nailpolish, expensive shampoo/conditioner, several hair products, several skincare products, specially scented lotion, body scrub, Nair (hair removal cream) or any type of mud mask. I do allow one semi-OK item, including but not limited to: unscented cheap body lotion, spongy poof thingie for shower gel (I prefer just bars of soap, but I now let the poofs slide) and one hair care product. Bonus points are given if I like their cologne, if they use just a bar of soap when in the shower and if they trim (not completely remove!) their body hair. Yes, I'm wierd. But I just can't stand girlymen or vain men! No one who has flunked the bathroom test has ever made it to Boyfriend Status. I don't base everything on this test, but it's a pretty good indicator of a lot of important qualities I look for: masculinity, simplicity, easygoing attitude, practicality and unpretentiousness (is that a word?).

I read about a woman once who gives men the R.E.M. test. If they don't like R.E.M. (the rock band) there is probably something wrong with them. Being a big R.E.M. fan, I have to agree. Good test.

8 comments:

Stuck said...

1)I've tried being aggressive and passive, and have found that the relationships that happen on their own are much more satisfying. So I think that I'm not planning anything. If I die alone, so be it, but I won't force myself into a relationship just to avoid it.

2)This is a tricky question, and every man probably has a different answer to it. In my case, I'll say something. I don't believe in false flattery, nor do I believe in sparing feelings in matters of the heart, so she will know that the praise is genuine.

3)Depends on your definition of test, really. Your example isn't really so much of a test as a collection of observations. I think everyone does this, since observation is the whole point of dating.

To me, a test is something you create to put your SO into a situation and see how they react. Do I do this? Absolutely not. Tests are games, and I don't play. If I want to know something, I ask. If she lies, she'll prove it through her actions, not through some test I create for her.

Anonymous said...

1. This is really an odd question. Would you really want to PLAN your relationship? Something tells me that the first kiss is SO much better when spontaneous.
There is another whole part of this though that is so much bigger than a comment section can cover. You seem to like men as men though, as opposed to men that look like they just got dumped out onto the sidewalk from the back seat of a unmarked sedan at high-speed driven by Queer Eye cast wearing obnoxiously BIG and FLASHY shaded sunglasses and trendy overcoats. Dont worry too much, real men love women that love real men. Besides, you can carry pumpkin bread loaves in holsters and just mosey into any place with cafe doors and OWN the place.
2. I have to say the best was a girl who sneezed after every orgasm (say five or ten minutes after). It always suprised me and she would say, "nice job sweetie".
3. As incredibly shallow as it sounds, I firmly believe in checking out a womans car. Nothing tells me more than her car. Is it a pontiac? RUN, dear God RUN like the wind. There is only one exception, if a girl fails this test, the car must have been free.
I also have a "Lyle Lovett" test but that is at level four and there are NO exceptions on this one.

The Dummy said...

Interesting test! I think it's too far to have nail polish and hair dryers, but good hygiene is a must. I skim dangerously close to that metro thingy with my face scrub, so watch out! :)

TheDailySketch said...

1. I plan romantic moments. Because to her, they're unplanned. ;) The rest is touch and go.

2. I talk about all that shit. I'm such a freak. And if she doesn't speak up...LATER! I refuse to be mystified ever again. If 2 people can't communicate on likes/dislikes/orgasms in bed...wtf are they doing dating? The good thing is, I've talked so much in the past, it means I talk less now ;)

3. C'mon....everyone does. Some are just sillier than others. :) One things certain, you would run fast as fuck outta my bathroom. Back me up, DD! We need lotion after all that sun exposure! DD? Hello?

Virginia Belle said...

Oh Sketch, I love your answers! :) You are such a charmer! and for you and DD, as far as i know, i'm the only female in the universe (other than my mother, The Czarina) who thinks like that. all my girlfriends think i'm wierd. so don't get rid of your lotion, scrub,etc. I'm sure indian eyes and ICG don't mind. :)

Anonymous-- do i know you in real life? you remind me of someone with the way you talk, but i can't place it....hmmm... especially with your pontiac test comment--I drive a pontiac! But to my credit, it was a free car. very few people know that. you are making me wonder.... also, I love your story about the girl who sneezed. too funny! at least you had concrete evidence!

NML said...

1. If I had one, I would plan some elements and be spontaneous with others.
2. He'd know because he felt it and heard it. If he doesn't know, he wasn't doing it right.
3. If his hygiene is doggy, it's bye bye! If he has any red flags, it's definitely bye bye!

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