The Bombshells & Falling Flat on My Face

Fortune favors the brave. --Vergil, Aeneid

This is one of my favorite quotes, and I am glad to say that I'm pretty good about applying it to my life. I firmly believe you can create your own good luck, and so did this ancient author. So let this post be an example of the wisdom of the ancients.

Immediately after posting about FedSexy and my panic attack about his lack of calling, I stopped and thought. What am I doing? I'm an idiot. I don't hit it off with someone this well every day. Dang it! I'm not letting this slip away because I'm too chicken s--t to pick up the phone. I need to start pulling my own weight in this.

So I did something which will shock any girlfriends of mine who may be reading this. I called him on NYE. (I know, I know, big deal. But I'm very old-fashioned that way. We all have our quirks!) I just wanted to see what his plans were that night. As soon as he answered the phone, I knew something was wrong. His tone of voice was less than enthusiastic. I was completely bummed out and instantly regreted my decision. I was falling flat on my face. Crashing and burning. Mayday! Mayday! Abort! So I cut to the chase in order to make the call as short as possible and to possibly redeem a shred of dignity before crawling into a hole to die. Here is how the important part of the conversation went:

VB: So, what are you up to tonight?
FS: Oh, just getting hammered with some buddies. You?
VB: The same. Only I won't be hammered.
FS:Are you going downtown?
VB: Yup. To The Wild Hare.
FS: Well maybe I'll see you there.
VB: [trying hard to conceal disappointment and failing miserably] Maybe?!
FS: Yeah, maybe.

Ohhhhh....this was so bad. I was toast. Yesterday's meatloaf. Roadkill on the Dating Highway. But it was NYE. I couldn't let this get me down. There's partying to do! So I told myself I had just called at a bad time, went out (ended up going to Local's rather than Wild Hare) and smooched a hottie! How's that for letting something roll off your back? I even impressed myself.

The next day, I hung out with Kermit, the German Nurse's brother. In a previous post, he was referred to as The Friend's Brother (remember, I went to the football game with him?), but Kermit is a much better nickname for him. The German Nurse is in town (from Germany, where her husband is stationed) so her friends and family are trying to hang out with her before she goes back. When I came over to hang out, she was tired and cranky (she's pregnant, so we let her off the hook), so I went to a movie with Kermit. It was awful. Don't see it. Anyway, after that, Kermit and I went over to Brunette's house for New Year's Day dinner. Like a lot of people, we here in "South Cackalackie" eat black eyed peas and collards on New Year's. Brunette is a really good cook, so we brought our appetites. On the way there, Kermit had to get some gas. As he was filling up, I sat in the passenger seat, staring at the quickie-mart. There was a big yellow neon sign in the window. It read:

FRIED CHICKEN

Only the word 'fried' was slightly obscured, so I found myself staring directly at a giant, glowing, ironically yellow sign calling me "Chicken". Or at least it felt like it was calling me that. Maybe it was because there was a really sad Concrete Blonde song playing as I looked at it. Right at that minute, I decided I needed to reciprocate with FedSexy and try calling again.

The next day, fully expecting another rejecting phone conversation, I called him. And he sounded really excited to talk to me! YAY! I told him that if he wanted, I could drop off some pumpkin bread at his house later. He said, "Hell yeah! That would be awesome!"

Needless to say, I was pretty stoked about this. I got to his house, trying hard to look hot without looking that I had tried to look hot. (Ladies, you know what I mean.) But before I had the chance to ring his doorbell, I again managed to fall flat on my face.

Only this time, I did it literally. Somehow I managed to trip on something and do a face plant on his doormat. (Hopefully this is not a prediction for our relationship.) I went down so fast that I didn't even realize I had fallen until I was down. It was hilarious, and no one saw. I was laughing my ass off until I realized I was in pain. Ow. I cut my hand and bruised my shin. Luckily, he didn't hear me. I didn't break my cell phone or smush the bread. Whew! I brushed myself off and rang the doorbell.

He was on the phone when I got there. I tried really really hard not to overhear, but there are certain phrases that are hard not to hear. Phrases like, "...yeah, that was my friend Virginia Belle. She just brought me some pumpkin bread...well, can you still have children?...Are you going to have to have an operation?...Are your ovaries and stuff OK?" Of course, this was absolutely none of my business, but I am still pretty curious as to whom he was talking to and if they are OK. And I was a teeny tiny bit disappointed to only be referred to as a friend. But all in good time.

He got off the phone and walks over to the pumpkin bread, telling me that he had just woken up from a dream in which he was eating lots and lots of pumpkin bread. I smiled and said, "Well, you know, I don't make this for just anyone." I saw him smile as he turned to go get a knife. He thanked me for it profusely as he sliced it. We sat on the couch and munched on our snack. He wasn't really saying much when he busted out with:

"I have to tell you something. I lied about something on my profile."

Oh. S--t. People do not lie about little things on their profile. They lie about divorces, hairpieces, serious diseases, drug addictions, jobs, gender confusion and criminal records. What horrible thing could this be??? I took a deep breath and said, "Um, OK. What?"

FedSexy says, "I have a daughter."

Hoo boy. Not as horrible as it could have been. But quite a bombshell, none the less. I realized it would be too much to ask all 434 questions that just impacted my brain like a nuclear bomb, so I prioritized and settled on about a dozen.

"How old is she?" --3
"Where does she live?" --Florida
"What's her name?" --S.
"Do you have any pictures?" --Yes. (He went and got some. She is adorable and without a doubt, his kid. Spitting image of him.)
"Do you miss her? See her much?" --Yes. No, but she is coming to see me this week.

I wondered if he was talking to the mother on the phone just a second ago....

Then, I got to the other bombshell. One picture had the mother (Baby Mama?) in it. She looks like a model. It was pretty intimidating. I noticed she has blonde hair. Hmmm, he must like blondes, I thought. Then I realized there was one last, very important set of questions to ask.

"Are you divorced, too?" --No.
"Are you guys on good terms?" --Yes.
"Did you lie about anything else on there?" --No.

Whew! I sat there for a minute and absorbed everything. I was actually not really freaked out. I can understand why he wouldn't volunteer this kind of info, because I probably wouldn't have started dating him. It was too late now! I'm hooked! I appreciated his honesty and I think he brought it up at a good time--not too soon, not too late. I could tell he was a little freaked out about telling me. I was very relieved to hear he is on good terms with her--I took that as a sign of maturity. I have to be honest, I was also glad to hear that she lives far away. It will make this an easier pill to swallow. Running in to her would be potentially awkward. I think I probably handled this well because of my own family. My dad had two kids already when he met my mom. So I'm probably more open to this idea than some other girls would be. Besides, I love kids.

We watched TV for a while and then he told me that he had to go meet a buddy of his for coffee at 8pm. It was already about 7pm. I asked him if I would at least get a smooch for the pumpkin bread before he had to leave. He said, "Of course!" [This is the part of the movie where the screen fades to black. Use your imagination.]

A little bit later, we had another important conversation. I was determined to reciprocate by sharing with him how I felt. I took a deep breath and tried to slow my rodent-speed heart rate before beginning. I wish I could say I'm one of those people who can quote conversations word-for-word, but I'm not. Here is the gist of what was said:

Me: You know, I've been feeling a little rejected by you lately.
Him: Oh yeah? Why?
Me: Well, I guess I was just hoping to see you on New Year's. And you haven't called me in a while.
Him: Well, I'm glad you told me that. I'm not a mind reader. You're a planner, aren't you?
Me: Yeah, I guess I like to have stuff all planned out in advance. I usually have my weekends figured out by Wednesday. You aren't a planner, are you?
Him: Nope. Not at all.

(I was not really sure what to make of this information. Any feedback from readers would be much appreciated. It's hard to feel important when a guy only makes last-minute plans all the time. It makes me feel like Plan B. Anyway, back to the story...)

Me: I missed you.
Him: You did?
Me: Yeah, I really like you, FedSexy. I don't hit it off with someone like this every day. And I think you feel the same. [He nodded. If I remember correctly...]

Then I asked him about something my woman's intuition had picked up on.

Me: Are you scared? [ I got no reply--just an expression that said, "Yeah, but I'm not going to admit to that right now." ] Well, I won't be scared if you won't be scared.
Him: [enthusiastically] Deal!

Then we went back to smooching. He still met with his friend for coffee, but he was, uh, well, very late. As I was leaving, he told me he would be pretty busy the next couple of weeks: His daughter is visiting, he has National Guard this weekend and he is starting Police Academy next week. (Yeah, I know. I have a weakness for men who carry guns to work. Shut up.) He called me as soon as I got home to flirt with me some more. Awww. I went to bed floating on air.

Whew! Glad that was overwith. I think it went well, don't you? A little scary, but I just proverbially took a deep breath, held my nose and jumped in feet first! This is something I would never ever do, so I'm stretching myself with this relationship. Which means I am at risk for being hurt. I guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope!

The only other tidbit of information I want to share is that he implied that I may have more, ahem, experience than he does. I can only take this one way: He was with Baby Mama a looooong time. Any other interpretations? Your interpretations/comments are much appreciated.

Oh, and he again hasn't called me in three days. Only I'm not freaking as much. Just a little. He is busy. Although, I can only assume Baby Mama is visiting too....oh dear...