RingWatch 2013?

Hi, everyone. I miss you. I miss blogging and reading other blogs like I used to. I would like to say that I will be blogging more, but I don't know if I will. You see, my day usually goes like this:

5am (sometimes) -- get up and go for a run or hit the gym. Ok, full disclosure.....lately, it's been like, twice a month. Usually I sleep in until....

6:30am -- wake up at boyf's, walk and feed dog. Eat breakfast, then go to my house to get ready for work.

9am -- go to work. Yes, it takes me that long to get ready. There is significant dawdling. Unfortunately, I am already supposed to be at work at this time.....

9:20 -- actually arrive at work. I am lucky to have a boss that doesn't care I do this every day. Mostly because she spends the vast majority of her day on the phone, arguing with her lawyer or yelling at her soon-to-be-ex-husband. Or dealing with some other personal life fiasco. I detest my job. My boss is a big part of it. Don't get me wrong, she's a really nice, funny, cool person. I would totally go on vacation with her. I just hate working for her. I should really write a post about work...I have venting that needs to be done.

5:20 -- time to go home. Yes, I make up all the time because I was raised Catholic and if I don't work exactly 40 hours/week, I will go to Hell. If you're not Catholic in any way, you will never understand this.

5:40 -- get home, walk dog, put on comfy clothes (bye-bye, bra!). Boyfriend calls me to have our daily debate: will I make dinner at my house or will I make dinner at his house or will we go out to dinner. I hardly ever make dinner at my house, despite the fact that I much MUCH prefer cooking at my place (he doesn't have a vegetable peeler....or many other things you need to cook with. Which is fine, because he's a bachelor. But lugging my kitchen stuff over to his house all the time gets old sometimes.) He usually wins the debate. Which is fairly logical, because, as he points out, I always spend the night over at his house anyway. (He has a queen-size bed. Nuff said.)

Sometime in the evening -- I get to his house. We usually watch Jeopardy while eating dinner. Then we watch more tv until I fall asleep at 10pm. He is a freak who needs 5 hours of sleep every night, so he stays up.

If you review the list above, you will notice a lack of the following lifestyle activities: exercise, hanging out with girlfriends, blogging, puttering around my own house and doing things that do not involve a screen -- TV or otherwise. Unless we are at work or a doctor's appointment, we are probably together.

...and that is why I have put on 15 pounds. And why my house is a mess. And why I haven't paid my taxes yet. Or done any number of me-time things. Like blog. Or buy some new iTunes. The only reason I am doing this today is because I took the day off.

If you're anything like me, right now you are screaming at your computer, saying, "Dude! What are you doing? You have morphed into a 'we' and have forgotten the 'me'! This is not healthy for you or your relationship! Carve out some me time -- STAT!"

And you'd be right. But trust me, it's easier said than done. Mostly because he is my most favoritest person EVER in the whole world and I never get sick of hanging out with him. When I do have "VB time", I spend a lot of it wishing he was with me -- I just wish he was in the other room so I can get some stuff done.

Now, before you all begin gagging yourselves with spoons, I can tell you that we do argue. We have some things we will never agree on, like the fact that I would like his home to be free of cats and he would like it if I would be better about taking my dirty dishes to the kitchen. (I am notorious for leaving them on the coffee table.) But there is no one I'd rather argue with. Does that make sense?

I recently read an article where the author interviewed several couples. Each couple has been married for eons, and the author was trying to crack the case: what is the secret to a long marriage? Typically, the answer was never defined in this piece (article FAIL), but one part did stick out to me:

Author, addressing ancient husband: Did you ever have moments where you didn't want to be with her?
Ancient husband: Not be with her? What? No. Never. But did I ever want to kill her? YES. Many times.

And I totally understood.

So yes, it is going splendidly. We agree that this is what we've both been looking for all these years and we can't believe we dated all those other people who were so wrong for us. We talk about the future all the time. He gets upset if I speak of my future in a way that implies I'd be doing it as a single woman. We have named our children. Well, ok, we have named the first one. If it's a girl. I have started to realize that my future doesn't make sense if he's not in it. To quote The Princess Bride, it's inconceivable. Even The Czarina and MJ are asking me "So..............are you engaged yet????"

I have to reassure them that RingWatch 2013 is still on. But knowing him, he has stuff planned and up his sleeves, and I am totally clueless. Who knows. Part of me is screaming, "I AM 34!!!! LET'S GET A MOVE ON!!!" but and equal part of me is just happy I found him and I'm enjoying the ride. Ok, that's a lie. It's more like 80/20, respectively. My ovaries are shriveling, people. This ratio may grow even more lopsided if personal milestones continue to pass by without any bended knees taking place. New Year's? Nope. Valentine's Day? Earrings instead. (Which I adore, for the record.) Birthday? Well, at this point, he's 48 hours late....so I'm not holding my breath. Some of you are doing the math and wish to point out that we've only been dating for 9 months. To that, I say, shut the hell up because you're probably a smug married with a baby on your knee. When you know, you know. May 23rd will be one year, so perhaps then???

I have come to realize that good relationships are just as difficult to manage and understand as bad ones. With other guys (read: most of the jerks I dated), I was so wrapped up with "Does he really love me? Is he interested in committing?" Most of my mental energy was wrapped up in determining if he liked me. Now, most of my mental energy is split between 1) doing what I need to do to make this relationship a priority in my life and keep him happy and 2) figuring out how to fit him into my life without losing myself in the process. So it's a juggling game. I'm trying to navigate it. If you sagacious smug marrieds have any advice on how to do this, please impart your wisdom. I wish I could say I feel smothered...........but I don't. This is making it difficult.

In a deliciously serendipitous finale to this post, he and I just called each other at the exact. same. moment. We are ridiculous.

Dying Alone and Childless: Day 23

First of all, I must thank each and every one of you for your support, emails, text messages and comments. I am truly overwhelmed, and literally brought to tears. *sniff*

This is going to make no sense, but the decision was both easy and incredibly difficult. At the same time. But I am also alternating between the two, especially now, after 3 weeks. It's so obvious we are wrong for each other! No, wait! Oh my gawd, did I really do that? Am I ok with this? Yes. Yes, I am totally ok. No, wait. etc. etc. Those of you who love the Voices in My Head have no idea what the cocophony has been like for the last month. I feel like a very, very strong woman..........but also like a murderer. I killed my dream. I killed us. But I am proud of myself for recognizing something and doing something about it, even though it made me sad and hurt someone I still care very deeply for. I have pride and shame. Mostly shame.

The thing that is really strange about this whole process (and it makes sense if you think about it) is how similar this feels to grief. I imagine it must be even worse if it's in the context of going through a divorce. That must be excruciating.

Like grief, I have good days and I have bad days. Some days I am feeling fine, and almost ready to put it all in the past and move on. Other days, I am really bummed out and wondering, "What if I just blew it?" I mean, you only get so many chances in life, right? What if I am being too picky? No two people agree on everything, so you have to have compromises, right? Do people really get married after the age of 32, or is that just what tv wants you to think? If I were to meet Mr. Perfect today, there's no way I would make it down the aisle anytime sooner than 32, let's face it. I am in a race against crow's feet, y'all. It's getting serious now. Have I officially reached old maid-dom? Are my ovaries vestigial organs at this point, and I might as well start planning my trip around the world -- solo? Because that is my Plan B: Become a World Traveller. Are all the men in my age range as confused, damaged and gun-shy as I am now? Or worse -- are all the good ones taken?

...and then there's the obvious question......

When and how do I try to re-enter the world of dating? Do I try online dating again?

*shudder* Because I am in a town where I don't really know anyone. So my dating options are pretty much nil. Ugh. No. Not yet, anyway. Maybe in a few months. I gotta get a feel for this town through the eyes of a single girl first. I don't know if it's full of jackasses who will only waste my time or if it's just a matter of separating the wheat from the chaff.

This is really all moot, anyway, as CN and I are now......roommates. Yes, we are 100% broken up. We've even had the, "Ok, are we really really broken up? Or is there a chance we might get back together?" talk. There is no touching beyond hugs, I put a robe on when I get out of the shower, etc. We are in separate bedrooms and are rarely home at the same time. So far.....so good. I don't have to cook, and he doesn't have to take me out to dinner. We each have our own couch, and if we don't want to watch the same show, one of us just goes upstairs. No harm, no foul.

I wonder if you are thinking this sounds incredibly awkward. It isn't. It's funny how comfortable it has been so far. I guess when you have dated someone for 2 years, the time to feel awkward has passed completely, no matter the circumstances. We are both pretty laid back people, and we have agreed not to bring any new significant others over until further notice. (Repeating this rule aloud just makes us snicker, because both of us go for loooooooong periods of time between relationships, so it's humorous to even think about dating a new person right now.)

At first, we talked about him moving out, but it would be difficult for me to afford this place on my own. Especially since his job pays for Internet (yay!). And he was not excited about the idea of moving again after we JUST got here. So for the time being, we are roomies. The Czarina does NOT get this and doesn't like it. I think she is worried we won't be able to move on or avoid sleeping together. I see her concern, but unfortunately, I don't make enough money to kick him out. Well, I do, but it would seriously impact my clothing budget. :) And he's saving a lot of money by staying, too. You can't live in a decent neighborhood in Savannah for under $800/month, and right now, we are each paying $500/month -- essentially a steal. And to be honest, I don't want to have any other roommate right now. CN is a really good one. Except that he doesn't seem to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher -- a minor concern in the world of roommates.

He has told his job that he wants to be put on what is called "detail". This means he would travel a LOT all around the state, to different towns to do his work. If he gets put on detail, he will be gone periodically for as long as a month at a time. Obviously, this would be good for both of us. He's still waiting to hear back from them.

For the first time in my life, I wish I had a PR assistant. Someone to break the news to family and friends, field any questions, deal with the backlash, put out a press release for me. Because explaining it is one of the worst parts about this process. I dread it. And it's big news, too. I can't just do a facebook update. I have to email or call all the important people in my life. Individually. It took me about a week just to tell you guys, and I don't even know most of you! I try to get other people to spread the word for me so I don't have to repeat my sad story over and over and over. I elected one trusted coworker to put the news out to everyone at work. I even managed to change my facebook status secretly, so there was no horrible broken heart icon in everyone's news feed. (Whew!)

Then again, part of me feels like this is what I get for what I did. The punishment for my crime. Like Sisyphus, I am doomed to repeat my story over and over and over forever. Endless questions. Endless pity. Every time I tell it, I get more and more bummed out. Luckily, it comes and goes in waves. And work is REALLY busy right now, so that helps a lot.

I have gotten a mixed bag of reactions to the news, from shock to confusion to relief to pity -- and everything inbetween. What has been surprising to me is how invested some of our friends were in "us". A couple of them are having a hard time coming to terms that we broke up. For real. And no, we are not getting back together. I've been really surprised at how many family members were relieved to hear the news. They could tell we weren't a good fit. But they kept their mouths shut. I do not blame them. Telling someone they are with the wrong person is very difficult.

I am worried about the long term effects of this living situation. I have a friend who is in a similar situation. She's been in it for about 6 months now, and they are waiting for the house to sell before they can part ways. Ugh. I feel for her. Anyway, she said to me the other day that she's thinking about getting back together with him. I am worried that as time passes, I may start thinking like that, and fall back to where we were, and end up dragging things out or making a mistake...ugh. So I am a little concerned about my future and my ability to stay strong for a long period of time (we all have our needs -- *ahem*) and still move on despite the fact that I am living with an ex-fiance.

But I have to say that we are both being respectful, mature and flexible. So I'm kind of proud of us. Most people would turn this into a vindictive, painful and petty living situation. We are not.

I don't think he would admit it, even to himself, but I think he feels some relief, too. The pressure to be someone he's not is all gone. He doesn't have to try and understand me or my needs anymore. I think he may be starting to see how this is a good thing. Or maybe I just tell myself that to alleviate some of the mountains of guilt I am experiencing.

More than anything, though, I feel really really alone and lost. For the first time in my life. For two years, I have been a part of something. And now it's gone. Who am I? Why did I put myself in this situation? Am I pushing people away? How do I get in touch with myself again, when so much of my identity is wrapped up with him? What's next?

I guess today is one of those bad days.

Probably the Biggest Post Ever

So after trying on a bazillion dresses at about 4 stores, I found The Dress.....



If you want to see a pic of the back, go to David's Bridal and search for style # CT 2406. It's exactly what I wanted -- lace, but still simple, under $1,000 and not too fluffy or Bridezilla-y. But before you get all excited, I have some other news, too.

While CN and I were in Virginia visiting The Czarina, we spoke with the pastor of my family's church in my hometown. He wanted to talk to us about getting some pre-wedding counseling and he wanted to ask us a bunch of questions.

He started with some basic ones which I think we handled ok. Then the questions started to get more involved. How are we working on the budget? Who will do all the housework? Who will be the primary caretaker of the children? How many kids do you want to have? Where will you live? Who brings home the bacon? etc.

We sort of muddled through, because to be honest, we had never really discussed any of these things too deeply. We had some ideas, but nothing definite. Then he gave us a questionnaire to fill out -- one for me and one for CN. We were supposed to fill them out separately, and then compare answers. We did it when we got back home to Savannah, but I already knew what would happen.

Our answers were pretty different. Our answers were different on BIG questions that are important. Like how do you picture your life in ten years? My answer: fun, exciting chaos -- lots of kids running around, possibly a new career, we might be living anywhere in the world, constant changes. His answer: living in Savannah. Same jobs. Maybe a kid. And a house.

Another question pointed out to me that we do not resolve issues properly (we basically drop them rather than get to the bottom of it) and that I have a small issue with his relationship with his mother (she is really needy and not independent AT ALL, which makes him feel like he can never move too far away, no matter what). I asked CN what would happen if I found a great job that would mean a better life for us and our kids.....but it's in Oregon. He said I would be moving there alone if that happened, because he can't move that far from his mom.

Wow. That's an eye opener.

He believes staying near your family is much more important than I do. He cannot fathom living somewhere that is not within a couple hours from his mom. This is a foreign concept to me. That's why planes, trains and automobiles were invented.

"What if your mom and I had a disagreement? Would you take my side or hers?" I asked.

"Well, that depends on who is right," he replied.

"Wrong answer," I said. "If I am the mother of your children, I have to come first. Period. When you marry me, I have to become your priorty, second only to God. Just like you would become my priority. That's what marriage is about. If your marriage is not first, that's a problem for me."

He could not see that.

After going through some more talking and discussing what we wanted from life and how we viewed marriage, our differences became really obvious to me. But I had seen this coming.

For a while.

For several months, actually.

A few months ago, I began to have some doubts about marrying CN. I even had a huge freak out and went to go visit MJ for a weekend to talk to her about it. I was so confused! I knew what I was feeling, but I couldn't verbalize it. She did a great job at listening to me, but not voicing her opinion. Exactly what I needed! I felt a little better. I kept telling myself, "It's not that big of a deal. You love each other. You will figure it out." or "Too late. You're marrying CN, so you made your bed. Now sleep in it."

These are NOT good thoughts, am I right?

I had a nagging voice in the back of my head. It was doubt. And if there is one thing I believe, it's that you should NEVER get married if you have any doubts. I began to realize that CN is lacking in some things I cannot live with. I love him to death, but I know it takes more than love to make a marriage work. He is perfectly happy with the same job, same house, same day in and out-- for the most part. He is not ambitious or very energetic or motivated to improve his life. He is not intellectually curious. Now, I am not knocking these things. I am sure there are plenty of wonderful people who are perfectly happy like this. But I am not one of them. That is not good. CN and I need to be on the same page with things, and we are not. When I think about a future w/CN, all I see is that everything will be my job:

where we live (It was my idea to move to Savannah, remember?)
how many kids to have
which job to take (I make more money than him, and he will probably never change jobs, so we will probably move according to my career, not his, which is an easily-transferred job anyway)
the housework (I do not mind being in charge of it, especially after seeing him do laundry!)
raising the kids (not that he would be a bad father -- he would be great. But I can tell I would be the one helping them with homework, putting them to bed, etc.)

Are you tired yet? Because I am exhausted when I think about this. CN is a passive participant in his own life. He has very few friends, and only talks to them when they call him. He has very few hobbies. I began to realize -- he's kind of boring. But how could that be?? I was so happy dating him! And then I realized: he is always willing to do what I want to do. He doesn't have any life or opinions outside of me. It's like dating myself! I like being busy, trying new things, working hard, taking risks. But I can't do it all. And since CN is so passive, I will be doing everything. All by myself. And during this process, CN will grow resentful of me for running the show all the time. When he does, and says something, I will have to back down and do what he wants for a change, which will make me resentful. We will fall into a vicious cycle of resentment. It will eat away at what we have. And what I need in a spouse, I will eventually want to get elsewhere. Not good. At all.

But I was not the only one who saw it. Before I left my mom's house, The Czarina pulled me aside after everyone went to bed. I had talked to her about this stuff a little before, in the weeks preceding this visit. But I had been so excited and wrapped up in getting married, I had sort of put it to the back of my mind.

She said to me, "I'm only going to say one thing. And if I'm wrong, then tell me to shut up and we will never have to talk about this again. He is a sweet guy, and I know you love him very much, and I can tell he loves you very much. But if you are making all the decisions, how is this any different than being single?"

As soon as she said this, I burst into tears and knew what I had to do. I think I was just waiting for someone to sort of give me permission to remember that there were no rings on any fingers yet. I didn't have to do it.

I broke it off last week.

Timelines

Well, after three verbal requests and a nasty email, I was a little pissed to see that my manager at Dildo's was still ignoring my request for a weekend off. When I got to work on Wednesday, she hadn't even so much as given me a courtesy reply to my email. Not even a "I will have to see about this. I will talk to you later about it." -- I got nothing. Nada. [insert rage and frustration here.]

I knew she hadn't left work yet, so I paged her. No reply. I knew she was ignoring me. [insert more rage and frustration here.]

About a half hour later, I see her, trying to sneak away by taking the long way around the jewelry department. It was raining, and she even had the nerve to sort of hold her umbrella in front of her face. As if I'm not going to know it's her!!! ARGH.

"Heather!" I shouted, accusingly. She was so busted. She stopped, put down the umbrella, and glared at me.

"I need to talk to you about my schedule," I continued, unfazed. "I'm tired of this. I need a weekend off. And why didn't you reply to my page?"

"Technically, I'm not here right now," she snapped back. Ohhhhhh, no she didn't!!! I have talked to her numerous times, and she keeps blowing me off, and NOW she's copping an attitude with ME??? That little fresh-outta-college snooty ass bitch! She is going DOWN. I am so sick of her making time in her day to flirt with one of the other managers but never making time to do her fucking job.

Then she told me that I need to realize that not everyone gets a weekend off every month. Some people just don't get one, sometimes.

I replied, "Yeah. I know. I'm one of them. But I need this weekend off."

I did not appreciate her attitude or her bullshit. Almost everyone else in the department gets their weekends off with no problem. But for me and a couple other people, we have to pull teeth. It makes no sense.

"Fine," she said, halfway rolling her eyes. "Just take it."

"Thank you," I replied. Heather left.

I was so pissed off at the way she had just acted, I almost walked out right then and there. If it weren't for a special sale going on today, I probably would have just quit on the spot. But there's some jewelry I want to buy...so I will work tonight.

Over my luxurious weekend off, I will think about whether or not I will return to Dildo's on Monday. I might. I might not. Maybe I will "forget" to come in. Or perhaps I will, but I will "technically not be there." AAAARRRGH.

I am really crossing my fingers that I will hear SOON about whether or not I get to teach this class. I don't know how much longer I can put up with Dildo's. Maybe I can hang in there for two more weeks...

Speaking of timelines, I talked to The Czarina the other day. Now, a lot of people have a hard time understanding why she drives me nuts, but if they knew the crazy things that she says to me, they would understand. This is basically how our phone conversation went:

Mom: So, how is CN?

VB: He's fine! Wonderful as usual.

Mom: That's good. He's such a nice guy. I do like him.

*Relief on my end of the line.*

[Little do I know, she's just setting me up. That was her idea of a warm up to what she really wanted to lecture me about.]

Mom: So, have you two talked about marriage yet?

Oh Jezus. Here we go....

VB: *trying desperately to think up an urgent reason to get off the phone.* Not really, Mom. No.

Mom: Well, you know, you might want to put him on a timeline. You don't want to waste any more time. I mean, if he's never going to pop the question...you might just want to break it off.

[Nevermind that doing so would make me totally miserable, but apparently, this is beside her point. And I love how all the time I've spent dating him has been a 'waste' of time.]

VB: Mom, we're fine. We have had a couple of conversations in that direction. He asked a lot of questions about my roommate's engagement. And we talked about kids once.

Mom: *hissing* Well, don't bring it up! You want it to be his idea! Let me tell you, you don't want a man who doesn't have to marry you. All that stuff should be his idea! It all needs to come from him! He needs to really really want to marry you.

VB: Ok, Mom. I get it. Yes, I agree. I don't want to browbeat him into it or anything. I'm not really an ultimatum kind of girl.

Mom: Ok, well stop bringing up wedding stuff. Don't even mention it around him.

VB: *rolling my eyes* Ok, Mom. We haven't even been dating a year yet. Everything is fine.

Mom: Ok, well, I love you, hon. I'll talk to you later.

VB: I love you, too, Mom. Bye.

Is anyone else wondering how it is fair to put CN on a "timeline" without informing him about this timeline? Doesn't seem quite fair, does it? It's like she's saying, "He needs to marry you soon. But don't talk about marriage." WTF? That doesn't make any sense! That's like yelling at someone for not taking out the trash, when they didn't even know the trash was full in the first place. Even though you knew the trash was full the whole time. It's like expecting someone to read your mind. And it's not fair.

And nevermind that he and I may not be ready for all of that yet! I love how she never asks me how I feel about this idea. Apparently, I don't need to think about it or decide anything for myself. It's all about how CN feels. A marriage conversation is totally one-sided, I guess. We know there would be no hold up on my end. I must be ready. I'm a girl. I want to be married yesterday. (Ok, I guess I can't really argue with the last statement...let's be honest, here.) But good grief! Like I need any pressure from my mother!!! We'll get there when we get there!

She's acting like women have to trick men into marrying them or something. And that's not what I'm all about. At all. If CN turned to me today and said, "I don't want to get married for another 8 years." I would be ok with it. Obviously, I wouldn't be super excited about it, because I would like to get married before I'm 40, in all honesty. But that's not something I would break up over. I would still want to be with him, even if he took his sweet ass time. I'm trying to enjoy the ride, not set an egg timer.

Jeezus! What is with her advice lately?? This is almost as bad as the time she told me I should go to medical school:

"Why, Mom? I don't want to be a doctor. I don't even want to be in the medical field. That's a helluva lot of debt. And besides, I have a weak stomach. Why on earth would I do that?" I replied.

"Duh!!! So you can meet and marry a doctor, Virginia!" she replied, frustrated. I swear, if she had been sitting closer to me, she would have thunked me in the head.

Do you see what I have to put up with?? My mother is crazy!

Definitions

Poor One Girl! She has been dating this guy, and they are at that stage where you begin to wonder and stress about the relationship's "status". Ugh. I hate that feeling. The over-analyzing, the stress, the extra effort you begin to put into the relationship as you "campaign" for girlfriend....

Maybe Stuck's right, and all women are crazy.

But I like to think that men are the same way, sometimes, even if they don't show it or feel that they have anything to do with the issue at hand:

I'm talking about the "Are we dating other people or not?" conversation.

I myself make it a point to rarely, if ever, bring up this topic. In our society, it's often implied that women want a boyfriend yesterday and that we go bat-shit crazy, much like a shark in a feeding frenzy, when it comes to anything bearing a hint of commitment. If asked whether or not we want exclusivity, it's expected that we will reply, "Duh." We have heard all the horror stories of men who went MIA upon even the suggestion of a committed relationship. So for most women, we stay silent out of fear. Which is funny to me, because up until that point, women usually control the pace of the relationship: how often the guy can see us, how many dates we go on before we have sex, when it's ok to meet friends and family, that sort of thing.

(On a side note, maybe I'm weird, but new guys always meet my friends before I meet his. Or maybe I just need a thorough screening before meeting his friends! LOL He's got to be positive I'm not bat shit crazy, you know. Do my female readers have the same tendency? Or is this just a random coincidence for me?)

Men, on the other hand, like to feel as free as James Bond and have options open to them if available. Whether or not they have options is irrelevant. Which is funny to me! They are so optimistic when it comes to the ability to "spread their seed". They just assume lots of women want it in the first place. Or that they will enjoy the wild-oat-sowing at all. Don't they realize that as a friend of mine* once said, "The problem with dating more than one person at the same time is that you don't really like any of them." Add to that the stress that may come from juggling multiple girls, and I'm amazed guys even want to fool with it. I don't know why men are like this, maybe it's something Darwinistic, but for the most part, I think we can agree that just the thought of having a girlfriend or --gasp!--a fiance or wife leaves men clammy and shaking. They want to be desired, but God forbid one woman takes a keen interest in him. They want ALL women to take an interest, which in my experience, is pretty delusional....LOL.

I like to tell myself men just can't visualize all of the wonderful things that can happen in a committed and healthy relationship--trust, intimacy, comfort, better sex, a deep friendship, better sex....yes, that one gets counted twice! But to each their own. I can understand, to an extent. I've been known to hesitate a time or two when the Big Talk comes up. So I can relate a bit. But 90% of the time, I am your stereotypical single girl, chomping at the bit for the permission to use the phrase "my boyfriend" in every day conversation.

So imagine my surprise when, a few weeks back, I suddenly realized that I was not even thinking about exclusivity with CN. It wasn't that I didn't want it -- I did, very much. And it wasn't just that it hadn't occurred to me. It was that I was, for the very first time ever, not even worried about it. The idea was automatically filed under "Bridges We Will Cross When We Get to Them". I was not feeling panicky or concerned about it. There was no nervous flutter in my stomach when he would introduce me to someone. I didn't feel like a little puppy dog, hoping that if I wagged my tail just right, I'd be adopted, so to speak. I didn't feel that need to "campaign".

And I'm not saying that it was assumed we were exclusive, or that it already felt like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It wasn't like that. I knew we needed to talk about it pretty soon. I wanted to talk about it. But I was not worried about how it would go or where he might stand on the issue. Not one bit. Just like everything else in our relationship, I have felt totally secure and comfortable with what's going on. The "talk" just seemed like the next logical progression in our relationship. Like a no-brainer. A formality, almost.

When it happened, it ended up being almost comical. It was a Saturday night, in the middle of a crowded and very loud bar. We were with a group of friends and he had already thrown back 5 drinks when he sloshed into my ear about whether or not we wanted to see other people. I remember thinking, "Um, ok. I guess we can talk about this now. It should be a short conversation, anyway. OMG, did he have to get halfway to Drunktown before working up the courage to talk about this?? Nah. I'm not going to flatter myself like that."

So I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said he didn't want to date anyone else. I told him that I felt the same way, and we had a nice little smooch to seal the deal. The End. Easy as pie.

Or was it?

The next morning, I was reflecting on the night before when I realized that may have been the beer talking the night before. So I asked him if he remembered what we talked about the night before. He cried, "Yeah. What, you changed your mind????" in an almost panicked tone of voice. I chuckled and shook my head.

"Just checking," I said, smiling.

So what do you think about The Talk? Is it an unnecessary formality? The man's job? The woman's job? Should exclusivity be assumed, or are we just being control freaks? Have you ever had one that went badly? Do you have advice for anyone who is approaching that stage in their relationship? If you're not having sex with the person(s), is it even necessary? Let's talk about The Talk!

* Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think MJ is the source of this quote.

Q & A: Pick-Up Artist

I have been reading some questions from men posted on the discussion board for VH1's The Pickup Artist. Aside from being highly entertaining, they ask some good questions! I am presenting my favorites, along with my answers, here for discussion.

Question #1:What's better??

Guy #1

Good looking/Very good looking
Shy at first
Not a partier/or club/bar goer
Not a big drinker
Nice guy
Laid Back
Intelligent
Likes sports
Cultured (likes the arts,museums.etc)

Guy #2

Avergae looking
Party animal
Attends clubs/bars regularly
knows how to spit game/talk to you
big time drinker
super outgoing/almost obnoxious
not too smart
not cultured. Idea of fun is going to a concert or to the club.

Answer: Well, Guy #1, obviously. Who wants to date a stupid, obnoxious alcoholic? But here is the key: Guy #1 won't approach or ask me out. He never will. He might try to half-ass his way through it or enter into TFZ, but this kind of guy will rarely put himself out there and go for it. But Guy #2 will. And since he likes to get out of the house and be social and is probably fun, I'm probably going to go out with him, or at least give him a shot. Then I will date him for a few months, and probably complain about him most of the time before I dump him. Or catch him cheating on me, whichever comes first. (Hey, I'm trying to be honest here, guys!) So if "Nice" guys ever whine about how they finish last, THIS is why. #2 Guys win by default. Women's choices often come down to: date a jerk so you aren't alone OR....be alone. Neither is easy. And charming goes a long way.

Question #2: [And I paraphrase.] This PUA method seems to rely on deception and lies to get women. Why do I have to become a monster to get women to like me? Why do I have to lie? Can't a woman just like me for who I am?

Answer: Well, what do you think women do when they leave the house? Do you think our hair is really that blonde? Our boobs that big? Our lips that shiny? Please. Women do it all the time, and it's probably something we are "lying" about which is making you want to talk to us! Don't you think it works both ways? Successfully approaching a woman has little to do with lying and deceit and much more to do with coming off as non-threatening, confident and un-needy. Yes, you may feel desperate or lack confidence, but this is about faking it until you make it! Do you think that just because I wasn't born a prodigy pianist, that I'm being fake by learning how to play the piano? News Flash: The girl isn't going to think you're a big, fat liar unless you are actually lying about something. If you choose to put on your most confident attitude, much like choosing to wear a certain shirt, then more power to you! I think the PUAs are just showing men how to do that. It is within every guy. They just show you how to bring out that cool, confident version of yourself. It's sort of like getting a personal trainer at the gym. You weren't born that way. But someone showed you how to to be your best. Just because it's not natural doesn't mean you're lying. Once you have started dating her, you can show her your soft, little underbelly of niceness and vulnerability. Until then, you are competing with Alpha Males who are born knowing how to do this naturally. If you can't beat them, join them.

For many of the same reasons, being in The Friend Zone (TFZ) and then trying to "take it to the next level" doesn't work, either. It's not being your most confident self. It broadcasts desperation ("Well, if I can't be her boyfriend, at least I can be her friend...") and shows a lack of belief in yourself. And guess what -- you're still competing with Alpha Males. The only thing being her Hopeful Friend accomplishes is being non-threatening. Only, it's to the point that you've totally eliminated yourself from her idea of a desirable guy. You've gone too far.

Question #3: [This is one which Mystery answers himself on a little video on the site.]: Should you buy a woman a drink as a good opener?

Answer: No! There are women who try for the Sucker Drink. They are out to get drunk for free, and once she's gotten the drink, you're right back at square one--she's done with you, unless you're going to buy her another drink. These girls are called "Gold Diggers". I know girls like this. You don't want to date them, trust me. Mystery brings up a good point in his answer: It may be unnecessary to buy a girl a drink. She may have just been wanting you to talk to her, and so you just wasted $5 on a drink you didn't need to buy in order to impress her. This is true. Many women can buy their own drinks these days, thankyouverymuch. And some women do not want to get wasted. And do you really want to talk to a woman who is one drink closer to being sloppy? Don't answer that. The thing is, you'll never really know if she's talking to you because she feels obligated to (I have felt this way before), or if she's talking to you because she's really interested in you. Do you want to guess at these things? I didn't think so. I would think you're probably tired of guessing and you'd rather know.

But this is where I end my agreement with Mystery. He also states that some women are not "worth" a free drink. WHOA, Nelly. That kind of attitude will NEVER get you far with women. So you can just tank that idea right now. Look, if you don't want to buy a drink, then don't. But don't EVER have that kind of an attitude and expect women to like you. Ok, your target may like you and not pick up on your attitude, but her friends will smell your attitude a mile away. And they hold a lot of influence.

Mystery suggests instead that the target buys the first round, and then the guy buys the 2nd round. "This is what my friends and I do," he states. First of all, down here in the South, I can tell you most Southern girls would either laugh in your face and walk away, or they would be insulted if you presented that idea to them. Unless she's a drunk 21 year old co-ed. In which case, none of this stuff applies, anyway, because they are dumb college girls. No offense. I was once a dumb college girl myself.

But if he's going to suggest we alternate rounds like he and his buddies do, my first thought will be, "Well, I have plenty of friends. I'm looking for a guy to date. Thanks, anyway." And I will probably leave.

In all honesty, unless he inadvertently spills my drink, he NEVER has to buy me anything. He can wait until our first date to do that. Until then, he is under no obligation. Put your wallets away, gentlemen.

And no, you cannot use the money to buy yourself an extra drink, either. Don't re-allocate your bar money. Have you ever heard a woman say, "Yeah, he was nice, but he just wasn't drunk enough. He should have chugged a couple of Heinekins before coming over and talking to me." ? Didn't think so. Put. Down. The. Confidence. Juice. She's going to have to see you semi-sober at some point. You might as well get her used to the idea now.

The Pick-Up Artist is on VH1 tonight at 9pm, EST. Won't you join me?

Peacocking

Last night was Episode #2 of my new favorite show, VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. (Yesterday's post covers the basic concept behind the show and provides links, if you are playing catch-up.)

For this episode, all the guys were first challenged to get make-overs. They were instructed to try and "peacock", meaning they had to try and dress outlandishly. According to the PUA method, this is important for attracting women's attention. In theory, the crazier you look, the more attention you will receive. Your goal is to stand out from the crowd. Which is funny, because there were recurring themes in this effort to be unique. Here's what I observed:

1. Lots of hair-dying and trendy haircuts.
2. piercings
3. tighter pants
4. entirely too many accessories
5. black painted nails
6. hats
7. funky jackets

What was funny to me was that for the most part, the guys all came out in outfits similar to Mystery's and the other judges' outfits. So....how is that standing out? They basically still all looked the same. Only now they just looked like PUAs. Any girl who watches the show will be able to spot imitators instantly -- they are the ones with the tight pants and fur-lined coat on.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying all guys are great dressers who never need makeovers. Lord knows I am SO SICK AND TIRED of seeing the Southern Guy "uniform"* I'm about to scream. So the occasional fedora or green shoes is refreshing, I have to say. And I'm all for bringing tighter pants back! WOOT!

I personally wish guys would wear tuxedos when they go out, but that's just me...

Most girls like a guy who is fashionably aware. Most girls are not totally against a guy dyeing his hair or putting gauges in his ears. Some girls are probably not against a guy wearing goggles. But some girls are. (Remember, every girl is different!) So I fail to see how this will be a fail-proof method of attracting women. Mystery, according to his interview with Conan O'Brien (see last post), claims that if a girl tells him she doesn't like what he's wearing, he will zip back at her, "Oh yes you do! Otherwise you wouldn't have said that." -- I beg to differ. If you are wearing a crazy outfit, and a girl is telling you she doesn't like it, she means just that. It was probably code for, "Ew. Go away. You're weird."

If all guys start dressing like Mystery, then every guy will eventually look the same. They'll all look like Mystery.

I like a little variety, is all I'm saying. So guys, my advice to you would be this: If you have been wearing the same clothing style since high school, wear the SAME outfit every day or if you dress EXACTLY like all of your friends, it might be time to make some small changes. Do what girls do: hit the mall, see what's new. Talk to a trusted female pal or your sister to see what she thinks. Look at a couple of current fashion magazines. Try a slightly different hairdo. Guys have so many facial hair options these days. Live a little! Don't be afraid of hats or shoes. Buy the stuff you can see yourself wearing. If you feel weird wearing it, that will come across when you're trying to talk to a girl in a bar. Feeling comfortable (ie, like yourself) in your outfit is obviously #1. But there is something to be said for the confidence you can acquire from knowing you look fashionable. So I would encourage guys to try small changes. Girls do notice a guy who looks nice. And we REALLY notice it when your pants show off your cute little butt. ;)

But don't overdo it. Looking like a caricature or a rock star will make you seem like you're trying too hard to be cool. Piling on the jewelry and scarves (yes, I said scarves) and sporting a spiky hairdo which makes you look more like Sonic the Hedgehog than Ryan Cabrera can be overkill. Actually, on second thought, Ryan Cabrera looks like an idiot with his hair like that. But you know what I'm saying. Again, I say to you, look at fashion mags and talk to gal pals. That's why they exist.

I didn't like that the show assumed all of the contestants needed makeovers. Most of the guys were actually good dressers already: they were unique, not afraid of color, fairly contemporary and wearing things which looked good on them. Really, there were only 2 or 3 I thought needed help in the wardrobe department. So why were they all forced to dress so theatrically? I mean, let's be honest, here. These guys don't live in Manhattan or LA. They are from Portland, Oregon or Fort Wayne, Indiana. Dressing like Mystery in these small, American cities will make them look like total freaks! How will being a one-man freak show boost their confidence and self-esteem? I think the judges should keep in mind what sorts of people and places their contestants are dealing with in real life. Girls in these towns are not going to find a guy with a green mohawk or a fur coat to be desirable or fashionable. It's just not going to happen. Unless she's 16 and wants to get back at her parents by freaking them out. It's better for the guy to stick to what's being sold currently in Banana Republic or Gap, to be honest.

Although it's nice to talk to a guy who knows how to dress, I can assure you it's FAR FAR more important to a woman that you come off as interesting, confident and funny. What comes out of your mouth outweighs anything you can wear. As long as you don't look like Urkel or wear something super sloppy or dirty, you're probably ok. And of course, the reverse is also true: if you are the best dressed guy in the room, but you come off as a cocky asshole, a total idiot or totally insecure, you're in the same boat. Good dressing can get you some bonus points, but really, it's a much more minor deal to women. We know you'll let us dress you later on, anyway. It's kind of moot to us.

Hmmm...here's a theory. Is it safe to say that if you want a girl who is a trendy dresser, you should, in turn, dress in more current styles? I'm sure there are guys who don't give a rat's ass what a girl wears--they just want to know when the clothes are coming off. So is it necessary for them to try and be fashionable men? Hmmm. I have to chew on that for a while. What do you think? Does dressing fashionably only apply to guys who want to attract fashionable women? Do guys even notice if a girl is "fashionable"? Or do they only notice if she is half naked or dresses like their mom? Do guys care if a girl dresses in a unique way? Or is it enough to just look like other girls? To be honest, I don't even know if men are aware of women's fashions at all. I need feedback from my male readers on this one. I hadn't really thought about it. I guess girls tend to dress for other girls....and I always assumed that the only "fashion" guys cared about was how much flesh I was exposing or how tight the jeans are. Am I wrong?

The only reason I say all this is because there's this one guy on the show who is just......oh, GAWD he is a total geek!! Seriously, I think this guy is a lost cause. And he did the whole makeover, complete with blue hair streak (which, I personally thought was both totally out-of-style and stupid looking). But he still reeked of geekiness. And all I could think was, "You can take the guy out of the geek, but you can't take the geek out of the guy!" Because he was JUST as nerdy as he was pre-makeover. He even referred to himself as "Scott 2.0" or something. I groaned. Did he need a makeover? Well, to be honest, hell yeah he did! He looked like Poindexter. Did it work? Not one bit.

You see, the thing about the makeover is this: it's not just making over the outside. To be successful, it has to boost confidence and make the guy feel like a more improved version of himself. Someone who feels worthy of a better life than what he had before, because he's not that "old self" anymore. For most of the guys on the show, you could see a difference in their confidence and attitudes after their makeovers. As for the rest of the guys...you could see they felt uncomfortable. I don't know if it was too much change all at once or if they were just too set in their ways. But their makeovers just didn't....click. They behaved the same way and looked at themselves in the same way. Only, in addition, they looked uncomfortable.

Which led me to think, "This hasn't improved his chances ONE BIT." And if so, then the very pretty coeds in the bars were STILL going to shoot him down. He's just a geek in a cuter outfit. So is he trying to date out of his league? Or the bar scene just an extremely unnatural setting for a supergeek? Perhaps he should be using the PUA method in a comic book store or a Renaissance festival??? (No offense to my comic book or medieval festival readers -- I think having a little geek in you is both desirable and normal.) Is the show just creating unnatural situations, setting up the supergeeks to fail miserably for entertainments' sake? Is the problem in the guy or the situation? Is this show giving the supergeek skills he will actually use when he goes home? Or is their point that any guy can learn how to pick up a gorgeous 21 year old in a downtown bar?

Because the last time I went to a bar, I didn't see any supergeeks. Maybe they were disguised as PUAs.....

* Southern Guy uniform: horizontally-striped polo, khakis or cargo shorts, flip flops, croakies, usually a baseball hat. Sometimes a pastel tie, sometimes seersucker. Usually boring. I am not exaggerating when I say that 98% of guys wear this outfit when they go out here. *yawn* I mean, it's fine, it's just...overdone. They can check "Preppy J. Crew" off their lists already. Sheesh.

The Pick-Up Artist

In case you cannot already tell that my personal life must be deathly boring right now, I will continue on with my dating topic....

So this weekend, I caught the encore presentation of a new VH1 show called "The Pick-Up Artist". Like most new shows these days, this is yet another reality competition show. They have gathered up a group of geeky, shy and/or insecure single men and this guy who calls himself "Mystery" is going to teach them how to pick up chicks. Each week, the weakest link will be eliminated, which will only serve to increase their insecurities, which makes absolutely no sense to me. (If they are doing poorly, don't they need to stay on the show??) The winner gets $50k, and I presume, lots of one night stands with unsuspecting 21 year olds. Anyway, here is the trailer for the show.



I don't know if you can watch episode one on the VH1 website for the show or not, but the site does provide a good background on the show's idea, as well as photos of all the contestants. I am going to summarize the first episode here in this post.

When the show first came on, I thought, "Sweet! This fits in perfectly with my blog!" -- which should really point out how much of a nerd I am. Then I thought, "I bet this show is going to be really bad. It can't be better than 'Beauty and the Geek'." [Note: If you have not watched "Beauty and the Geek", I highly recommend it. The geeky guys get coaching from real, actual women, which is how I think every dating coach show should go.]

There are about 8 guys on this "Pick-Up Artist" show. None of them are going to be SOL. Well, except for the token Ultra Nerd, who seems to be one action figure and 20 years away from being a real-life Andy Stitzer. But the rest of them definitely have hope. A couple of them are pretty cute, actually. One guy claims a lot of girls think he's gay. One guy feels he's too old to be doing this, another guy totally freezes up anytime a cute girl is nearby. But for the most part, they just seem to lack confidence, a surefire way to fail at picking up girls. Like I said, though, there is hope for pretty much all of them.

After "meeting" all of the contestants, I was expecting the coach to be a modern-day James Bond: suave, adult, classy and very masculine. I pictured an incredibly attractive and charming Armani-suit-wearing Calvin Klein underwear model. "Oh, PLEASE be Julian McMahon!" I thought. Who comes out? Some Goth version of Kid Rock. He calls himself "Mystery". My eyeballs almost rolled right out of my head. I think I may have laughed out loud. He had SO many strikes against him, right off the bat, in my book:

1. What's with the pseudonym? How pretentious!
2. The only guys who can wear eyeliner and get away with it are Johnny Depp and David Bowie. But that's IT.
3. Guys who paint their fingernails black? EW. Creepy.
4. What's with the goggles, hats and other costume-y outfits??? It looks stupid. Like he's trying too hard for attention.
5. Long hair??? Didn't that go out about 10 years ago???

So as you can tell, he failed to impress me. At all. "That guy couldn't pick me up if he paid me a million dollars. This ought to be good. I can't wait to rip this 'expert' apart. He's probably just as clueless as his students," I thought, as I settled into my couch, along with my diet coke and animal cookies.

But my eye-rolling wasn't done yet. "Mystery" had assistant coaches: "Matador", a cocky, swarthy, Latino-type guy in a leather jacket and "J-Dog", who with his platinum-bleached hair and black stripes down the side of his head (yes, you read that correctly), struck me as The Guy Who Tries Too Hard, rather than some dating coach. He claims he's an engineer by trade. "Yeah, right. I know so many engineers who sport fur coats and dog-spike collars," I mentally sneered.

"I wouldn't touch any of these guys with a ten-foot pole," I thought. "They are all pretentious, cocky and gimmicky. They look like groupies for some Motley Crue Reunion Tour." *more eye rolling*

I almost changed the channel to alleviate my nausea, but then the contestants started to get under my skin. If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's an Underdog Guy. Much like "Average Joe", I was hooked instantly and rooting for all of them.

After all the initial introductions, they threw these poor, unsuspecting guys as-is into a large bar in Austin, TX. It was full of beautiful co-eds. Each one of the guys failed miserably-- boring approaches, awkward comments, depressing topics and entirely too much staring ensued. One guy turned into a complete wallflower and spoke to no one at all, preferring instead to be the Creepy Guy Alone at a Bar (NEVER EVER be that guy. EVER. It is pick-up suicide). In short, they all crashed and burned. I realize it is important to illustrate to the audience how pathetic these guys are, but it's not like they needed to be reminded! My heart went out to them. They were crushed! One guy was crying! I had no idea it was so challenging and stressful for some guys to even just simply talk to a woman! WOW. My eyes have been opened, and I think I will be a lot nicer to creepy jerks and losers who try and talk to me in bars.

But I digress.

My next thought was, "Wait. These guys are all saying they'd like to have girlfriends, but it looks like this show is trying to get them hook-ups or one-night stands. I'm thinking there was a miscommunication along the way. These are Nice Guys who just need some confidence-building. This Mystery guy sounds like he's going to turn them into players! We don't need more players!!! I wish they would show these guys they don't have to choose between Awkward and Asshole!!!! There is a third choice, and it lies in the middle. It's called Awesome. THAT's what they should be aiming for!!! This show is ticking me off!!!"

I almost chucked my remote at the tv at this point (Ok, not really, but it paints a nice image, right?). Then it cut to a shot of all the guys standing in front of Mystery and crew.

"I'm going to ask you guys a pretty personal question right now," Mystery said.
The guys looked at each other nervously.
"How many of you are virgins?" he asked, bluntly.
HALF THE CONTESTANTS RAISED THEIR HANDS.

I couldn't believe it. The youngest guy on the show is about 25, I think. I had no idea it was so bad. "Holy Shit! Forget girlfriends! These guys need to get laid!!" I thought. "I mean, they just need something to get them over the hump, so to speak. They do need this cocky asshole of a coach! WOW!"

This completely blew my mind, y'all. I mean, I could see firsthand how terrible they were at approaching women, but I thought for SURE they must have had some drunk night in college where they lucked out. Um, not so much! These guys need serious help. Some of them have never had girlfriends. Ever.

Mystery & Crew went over each guy's footage with them (the poor guys were filmed as they tried to pick up girls, as if they needed more stress added to the situation...). And although Mystery, Matador and J-Dog made me want to barf, I have to say, their critiques were DEAD ON. It was like they were taking the words right out of my mouth: "Why did you ask that stupid question? Why do you think that would work? Where is that conversation line even going? Why are you ignoring her friend? Can't you tell by the look on her face that she wants you to go away?" etc. Every criticism and comment illustrated the coaches' PERFECT understanding of how to approach a woman successfully. The best tip I heard? NEVER start out with introductions. Women don't like telling strange guys their name. You can get to names later. "Holy shit. That's absolutely right. I never realized that!" I thought.

To add insult to injury, for the last part of the show, Mystery and his Wingmen went into the same bar, about 30 minutes later and showed the contestants how it's done. The Nice Guys were blown away at their success. The Pick Up Artists (PUAs) were totally opposite in their behavior: confident, interesting, upbeat and fun. And although I cannot STAND the way they dress and look, I have to say that at least they would put me at ease. I can't say they'd be successful at getting my number, but I'd definitely rather talk to them than the insecure guys.

Needless to say, I'll be watching Episode #2 tonight at 9pm EST. Want to join me?

If you want more info about this Mystery guy, check out these websites:

Holy Cow, he's got a Wikipedia entry.

His "Venusian Arts" homepage [Insert eye-rolling here.] It claims to have free tips on there, but all I can find are descriptions of his seminars, which cost a SMALL FORTUNE and are SELLING OUT despite that fact. (This totally blows my mind that guys pay so much money for this!!!) I guess I shouldn't be surprised at all of the plugging. This guy is making a living doing this. This is America, after all.

There's also a blog, which has a video I presume is to illustrate the PUA lifestyle: an endless stream of random, half-naked and beautiful women in your bed. [Insert more eye-rolling and gagging here.] It's not really 100% work-appropriate, btw. I can't believe this is the "ideal" lifestyle for so many men. I would title the video "The Fastest Route to Herpes" if I had my way. Is this guy for real? Do men find this lifestyle fulfilling? Is this what men are honestly striving for?

I guess I don't understand men as well as I thought I did....

Anyway, make sure you catch the video of Mystery's interview on Conan O'Brien. (There's a link to it in the sidebar of the blog I just mentioned.) Conan rips him apart, and it's hilarious. As if I need another reason to love Conan O'Brien! I friggin love that guy. I was actually upset when he got married. That's who I want to approach me in bars! Where are the Conans of the world???

Fun Friday: Bad Dates

There's no point in talking about all of this unless we are going to have a good laugh out of it, right?

This is pretty bad....I can only imagine how uncomfortable the guy must have felt.

There's something to be said for being too honest...




Of course, halfway through all of these posts, I discovered that one of my favorite bloggers, Charming But Single, recently wrote similar posts. Only she's a much better writer than I am, so you might want to see what she says:

Five Things I Should Know by the End of Our First Date
Five Things I Should Not Know by the End of Our First Date

I thought this was a good article for guys to read -- Ten Signs You've Been Single for Too Long. Cute Neighbor has 4 that I'm aware of......yeesh.

Have nice weekends, everyone! If I don't post by Tuesday, that means I've been cooked to death in this horrible heat wave! Seriously, our heat index today is about 116. No joke! One radio station here in town is even playing Christmas carols today to at least attempt at helping people stay cool!

Thursday 13: The Nice Guy

A couple of posts back, Kraig left me a link to a well-written blog post about the problems facing Nice Guys and what to do about it. (I know, Stuckey, I can practically see your ears perking up at this topic!) I really liked it, and would have left a comment, but I'm sure in the 150 or so comments left there already, someone else has probably already said what I would say.

Some of my male readers worry that the Southern Gentleman is dead. I worry that the Nice Guy is dead. Too often he is rumored to be a Nice Guy, when really, he is one of these:

The Doormat (definitely the most common!)
The Asshole who Just Has Nice Manners
The Mama's Boy
Issues Guy
The "All I Have to Offer You is Nice" Guy
The Still-In-the-Closet Guy
Nice for the First 6 Months Guy
Mr. Smoke & Mirrors

There are so many more. I can't even continue to go on and on about this, or else this post will end up being too long. Besides, my point here is not to describe what ISN'T Nice Guy, my goal is to describe what I think a Nice Guy embodies. I have based this list off of qualities I have admired in my father, my brothers, guy pals of mine, good friends of the family and boyfriends (mine and others').

Note: The following list is just my own, humble opinion. I have no idea if any other girl on Earth will agree with this post. If this list is absurd, then I guess we all know why I'm single, right? Ok, here goes.

1. He has a healthy relationship with his family, especially his mother. Note: He is NOT a Mama's Boy. There is a difference between calling her once a week and eating dinner at her house every night. The relationship with the mother is key, for that usually translates into all of his relationships with women. Nice Guys like women. They enjoy their company, their mannerisms and they find women very entertaining and nurturing beings to be near. They respect and enjoy women, even if it's not a woman they are romantically interested in. They are just happy that women exist. This plays a big role in why they are good husbands.

2. He is nice to strangers, animals, old people and children (not just women he is hoping to date, like the article seems to imply). He may even go out of his way to make their lives better: leaving a nice tip, helping them cross the street, getting the kitty down from the tree -- all without the hope of getting any sort of reward. Kind of like Superman. Just saving the day, one problem at a time. He has the ability to feel sympathy, empathy and concern for others. He is thoughtful and considerate. But he is not a Doormat or a Crier or overly emotional about it. He just realizes that we are all human (or living creatures) and deserve respect. He enjoys putting smiles on people's faces. He is a good father, neighbor, boss and citizen.

3. He has manners. Please and thank-you (and yes, door openings) don't happen as often as they should these days. Good manners are refreshing. Again, the manners are not done in order to get a reward. He would be behaving the same way if no one were watching. Total Assholes don't usually have manners.

4. He doesn't draw unnecessary attention to himself, instead preferring to remain low-key and un-flashy. The word "humble" comes to mind. He understands that it is possible to be confident and successful without shoving it in everyone's faces or bragging about it.

5. He is a hard worker with goals. He is not a moocher or a loafer. He doesn't live in his parents' basement. He hasn't been unemployed for a year straight. He makes the best out of bad situations, so if the economy goes in the shitter, and he finds himself frying french fries for a living, dammit, he's going to be the best fry fryer on the East Coast. Or whatever. He'd rather be making minimum wage and living in a shack than moving back in with Mom & Dad.

6. He doesn't think it's acceptable to break the law. Nice Guys are not into drugs, violence, shady business dealings, throwing bodies in the East River or "borrowing" things. Nothing in their house "fell off a truck". In fact, there's nothing sketchy about him at all. He's a regular, upstanding citizen. He's not even all that keen on strip clubs or porn. Too much of it makes him uncomfortable. This is because he respects women.

7. He is reliable and understands how to step up to the plate when the chips are down. Or whatever that phrase is. You know what I mean. The Nice Guy is the one who doesn't complain when the Boss asks him to stay late. He's the guy who volunteers to drive their neighbor to the airport. He does what he says he will do. You can count on him. He volunteers to go out of his way when he sees someone needs his help. (Again, he expects nothing in return!)

8. He is confident and knows who he is and what he stands for. He knows he's a good catch and a good person. He knows what he likes and what he wants. He doesn't need anyone's second opinion or reassurance. He seems to have an innate understanding of what is right/wrong and what he wants out of life. People have an easy time believing this, because it oozes from his pores. He's not boastful or full of himself. Just confident.

9. He expects to be treated in the same way he treats others: with honesty, dignity and respect. He is not a Doormat who puts up with abuse or neglect. He is not controlling, nor does he demand that people treat him a certain way. He does not shirk responsibility or try and pretend like no one's feelings were hurt. He wants to see problems resolved fairly, even if it means admitting his own faults.

10. He respects himself and holds himself to high standards. He's not going to be getting hammered every weekend like a frat boy. He's not going to turn into a fat slob. He doesn't think playing video games is the best way to spend a Saturday. He doesn't procrastinate or see what he can get away with in life. Nice Guys strive for self-improvement most of the time. (They aren't robots -- everyone needs ice cream and a nap now and then!) By having self-respect and maintaining his personal standards, as a result, he is both mature and interesting. Which makes people respect him even more.

11. He is wonderfully masculine. He is a guy's guy. He's not effeminate in any way, even though he loves being around women. In fact, he's very comfortable being manly. He is funny and laid-back and confident (gosh, I keep using that word!). He puts others at ease while still being a fun and energetic person. He usually has projects going on -- a new fun idea or hobby. He's never bored. He never expects others to entertain him. He enjoys manly things -- cars, explosives, sports, scotch, model airplanes, cigars, feats of engineering -- but is also cultured in some way. He reads. Or enjoys opera. Or likes art. Or can hold a discussion about philosophy. No one thinks he's gay or a wuss because he is cultured, because he also enjoys the stereotypically manly things. He oozes manliness from his pores. He's not afraid to pick up the reins and run the show if necessary or call people out when they have crossed the line. He's got balls.

12. He is living for something beyond himself. He possesses the ability to see the world as more than just HIM. He realizes how he can make an impact and leave the world a better place. He has a passion about it, actually. He has morals, ethics and believes in something, whether it's God or the kindness of strangers or just the perfection of Mother Nature. Whatever.

13. He is stable. And not just job-wise. He is the sort of guy you never have to worry about. He's not going to have a breakdown or suddenly change who he is. What you see is what you get.

I think the term "Nice Guy" needs to be changed. It implies he is nice, and nothing more. When women speak of wanting a Nice Guy, I think they really mean they are looking for a Good Man. So that is the term I will use. Because when women state they are looking for a "Nice Guy", they want so much more than just someone who isn't a jerk. They have dated jerks -- probably a variety of them. They want someone who is totally different.

So the next time a guy whines about how he IS nice, I think he should remember that there is so much more to it than just NOT being a jerk. Guys are looking for a "Nice Girl" -- but they don't mean she's ONLY nice. Right? There are plenty of nice sluts running around. Plenty of nice, ugly girls. Women are no different than men -- we are all looking for the total package.

Good Men are attractive, and I don't necessarily mean physically. They have this aura about them. Yes, they usually smell good or wear French cuff links. But sometimes they wear hard hats and smell like sweat. In any case, there is something about them that is incredibly desirable. And that makes them HOT.

Most "Nice Guys" complain about how women do not give them credit, or don't date them or treat them like crap. I think there are two reasons behind this feeling:

1. They are not dating Nice Girls. I think only Nice Girls recognize, appreciate and value Good Men. Girls who are too young, too inexperienced, too stupid, too selfish and too immature wouldn't be able to spot a Good Man if he slapped her in the face. You think a total bitch, a gold digger or a stupid slut would see a Good Man for who he is? And appreciate it? I seriously doubt it.

2. They only THINK they are a Good Man. In actuality, they do not possess (IMHO) all of the above characteristics. They are nice enough. They embody a lot of the qualities I've just listed. But something's.......missing. And Nice Girls know this. That's why it doesn't work out.

By the way, if anyone knows of a guy like this, and he's single, please send him my way. Thanks.

And I would LOVE it if a guy wrote a post describing a "Good Woman". What is the other side of the coin?

Have I missed any Good Man characteristics?

Alright, I'm sure I have ruffled enough feathers for one day. I am prepared to be ripped to pieces. Have at it.

Proper First Date Behavior (Part 2)

Part One is below. I posted it yesterday.

11. If you run into a friend/acquaintance while on the date, it is polite to introduce your date to that person. Yes, it might be kind of weird and adult-like to say, "This is my date, Susie. Susie, this is Joe, my squash partner." But you will get points, trust me. You don't have to say "date" either. You can just say, "This is Susie." People can come to their own conclusions about what you're doing with Susie in public. So if she's dressed like a hooker, you might want to clarify. In any case, introducing her to everyone you run into will make her feel like you are showing her off, and that is GOOD. "Ca-ching!!" go the points. (+50 if you're just being polite, +200 if you make her feel like you're showing her off. -150 if you fail to introduce her. And no, "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce you because I didn't remember the other guy's name." is NOT an excuse.)

No one wants to feel they are a secret embarrassment to someone. Which is exactly how she will feel if you don't introduce her. Inside her head, it will go something like this: "Huh. I wonder why he didn't introduce me. Maybe he's embarrassed by me. I knew my ass looked fat in these jeans. Maybe he's got a girlfriend. Maybe he's got a wife. That bastard! Maybe he's just rude. In any case, I'm definitely ordering the lobster now." -- See? Being nice and polite and adult-like can save you money!

12. Do NOT talk on your cell phone while on the date, unless absolutely necessary. (-15,000-35,000, depending on the girl, dating privileges may be revoked.) Examples of absolutely necessary situations: you are horribly lost on the way to the fantastic restaurant where you're taking her, your mother just died, the world is coming to an end. Yup, those are pretty much the only 3 reasons you should be on your phone. This is starting to become a deal-breaker for a lot of women, guys. Just don't do it. Turn off your phone, if you are in the habit of just automatically answering it. No texting, either. (-500 per text) It's like whispering in front of someone -- very rude. Don't be Rude Guy. Feel free to hold Crush Girl to the same standards.

(Unless you're a horrible date, and her girlfriend calls her half-way through, and there's an "emergency", requiring your date to leave ASAP. Don't worry, she'll grab a cab, trust me. In which case, you should just email me so we can go over everything step-by-step, because you have royally screwed up somewhere along the line. Yeah, you're being ridiculed at brunch for SURE. She enacted the Emergency Phone Call on you. Yeesh. I don't even know how many points you've lost by that point. You're definitely in the black hole of negative points, though. Not only have your dating privileges been revoked, she probably won't acknowledge knowing you in public. Ouch.)

13. Do you pull out the chair? Tell the waiter what she will be eating for dinner? Help her with her coat? Hmmm. That is something you're going to have to ask her. (I know, I know! There's so much talking and asking going on! It's like you have to....talk to her. And stuff.) There's just too much variation from woman to woman on those sorts of things. It's ok! This is a first date! You're not expected to know what she likes yet. You're just trying to make a good impression and have fun. You will get points just for asking, actually. (+25 per courteous question) And really, you shouldn't have any points taken off for NOT asking these more difficult kinds of questions. It's just a first date. The girl isn't going to be all nazified on you. Yet.

14. DO NOT be rude to the waiter, waitress, hostess, cab driver or any other stranger you happen to encounter during the course of the date. Also, do not be a bad tipper on first dates. We're watching. Trust me. (-200 per rude/impatient behavior towards service workers, -200 for being a bad tipper.) Woe to the guy who is rude to the waitress when he's on a date with an ex-waitress, but doesn't realize it. (-20,000 and potential loss of dating privileges) However, if Crush Girl ordered her steak medium well, and it comes out like a hockey puck, feel free to stick up for her and demand better service -- politely. (+1,000)

15. Things NOT to talk about: medications you're on, family issues, ex-girlfriends, anything disgusting, kicking dogs, your criminal record, how you "hate people" (yup, I'm speaking from experience!), what your therapist says, how much money you make, how cool you are (bragging in general), anything too vulgar or sexual, politics, religion, any jokes in bad taste and anything too whiny/negative. (- 150 per inappropriate topic brought up. We know you're nervous, but watch it.)

Good things to talk about: travel, music, movies, books, tv shows, embarrassing stories, hobbies, childhood, college, goals for the future (but not marriage & babies), favorite things about where you live, anything that makes her laugh, how beautiful she is, how smart she is, how interesting she is, how funny she is......get my point? (interesting topics: +50 for each topic she seems to get into. +100 for each time you say something really funny. +1,000 if you say something so funny, she has tears rolling down her cheeks.)

Remember: The less talking you do, the more you can learn about her. Girls like to talk about themselves. A lot. People who let us do so get points. You want to be Points Guy. Besides, if you hog the conversation, she will think you're full of yourself. And then she'll order the lobster. (-500 for hogging the conversation.)

16. Do. Not. Get. Drunk. Yes, we know you are nervous. We are, too. But please, we don't want to feel you need to escape reality when you're with us. Limit it to two drinks on the first date, please. Again, we don't want to feel we are babysitting you. (-20,000 if you get drunk and possibly... dating privileges revoked) Do not eat Crush Girl's dinner unless you are invited (-8,000 pts.) and certainly don't eat half of it (again, I am speaking from experience!). Talking Crush Girl into dessert, despite her "protests": +1,000. (You see, girls almost always want dessert. But since we aren't paying, we feel weird asking for it. Smart guys realize this and order it anyway. Also, it's kinda nice if you share it with us. It's romantic and doesn't make us feel like we ate the whole thing.)

17. Regarding the bill: Overwhelmingly, women expect the guy to pick up the tab on the first date. Sorry, dudes. Consider it a small price to pay for having the privilege of being seen with us in public. I don't know about 2nd, 3rd or 4th dates--it can vary from girl to girl and situation to situation. But for the first date, you've gotta cough it up. (Paying for first date: expected, so no points. Not even tolerating the notion of the girl paying a dime: +1,000. Asking the girl to pay half: -5,000. Expecting the girl to pay the whole thing: death.)

18. Finishing up the date! Oh boy! I don't know how guys are, but for me, this is the most nerve-wracking thing about the whole date. I get really nervous, and start blabbing away about nothing. If Crush Girl does that, too, you can take the opportunity to pop a mint as you listen. No one wants to kiss Garlic Guy. (No points for having nice breath. We assume you want smooches, so it's expected that you will take proper steps to make yourself smooch-worthy. Complaining about lipstick getting on you during the smooching process: -100 pts. We put it on to look good for you, jerk.)

Ideally, how should it go? Hmmm. First of all, walk her to the door. This shows effort, consideration, protection (There could be a mugger in the bushes! You never know!) and manners. If you had a good time and want to take her out again, please, for her sanity, go ahead and tell her so. Something along the lines of, "I had a really good time. I want to take you out again, if that's ok. You look fanstastic, did I tell you that?" is good. You don't have to have date #2 all planned out in your head. You don't have to commit to setting the date's day/time, either. Just make it clear you want to take her out again. She will probably reply that she also had a good time and affirm that a 2nd date is in order. Unless you screwed up, in which case she'll probably say, "Uh...yeah, me too!" and then run inside quickly and never return your phone calls. But if you've been listening to me, you are probably golden at this point.

Walking her to the door: expected, so no points.
Not walking her to the door: removal of testicles. Just kidding. But it is pretty insulting, so -10,000.
Asking her out for date #2 at end of date #1: + 1,000
Saying only "I'll call you." : - 5,000 and you can forget smooching.
Saying only "I'll call you" and waiting a week to ask us out for date #2: by this point, she probably hates you. That's another post.

This is when the smooching may or may not occur. If there has been physical contact (her hand on your arm or shoulder, hand-holding, arms around each other) preceding this moment, you're probably cleared for a smooch. If not, you might want to hold off. This is not the end of the world. Anticipation is hot. Trust me.

Let's say the date went REALLY well, and she's invited you in. Do not assume it's to have sex. Sometimes coffee is really just coffee. But if she's been all over you and has put her hand on your thigh, you might just be getting lucky!

19. What if you think all the ingredients for a great date are there, but um, things just didn't go as planned? Don't worry. First dates are nerve-wracking. She's probably as nervous as you are. Most girls will give you the benefit of the doubt and let you have a 2nd shot. Or maybe you just royally messed up. Maybe she did. In any case, life goes on. Cry into your ice cream, or whatever it is guys do after bad dates, and then get back on the horse. Ask her out again, make a joke about your "practice round", and do better on round 2.

20. One last word about your appearance. Do not wear sneakers/athletic shoes or gym clothes, unless you're both going to a sporting event as the date activity. Do not wear flip flops or Tevas (do guys still wear Tevas?) unless it's a pool party or outdoor party. Please do not wear anything wrinkled. T-shirts with funny/vulgar sayings on them are also to be avoided. Ties are not necessary, but please, dress like an adult who is taking this seriously. We put forth some effort to look nice for you. Can't you do the same? Bonus points if you smell good, by the way.

Want more tips? This is a pretty good article.

Proper First Date Behavior (Part1)

3rd in a series. See below.

Let's see. Where did we leave off? Oh yes. You have the plan. You have made the date.

Oh, I didn't discuss lunch vs. dinner date or weekday vs. weekend date. Hmmm. You know, Phantom Hater had good logic behind his love of lunch dates. (See comments in last post.) But I'm a firm believer in Chris Brander's advice in Just Friends: Friends go on lunch dates. So if you are worried that you might possibly be in The Friend Zone (TFZ), dispel all confusion by taking Crush Girl out to dinner. Other than that, I'm going to say, go with whatever. Some people can't really afford to be picky about when their dates occur. *ahem*

Ironic that I've been posting about dating, isn't it? In the 5 years I've lived here, I've been single for 4 of them. WOW.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. It's Date Day (or Night).

This is how to AVOID major foul-ups which could land you a slap in the face and/or Sunday Brunch ridiculing by your date and her girlfriends: Try and make a good impression by being polite and courteous. Try and get to know your date. Relax and have fun -- it's dating, not a job interview.

Oh! You want details? Well, ok. To make this more accessible for my male readers, I will structure this like a game. The more points you get, the better you do.

1. Clean your car. Some girls *ahem* watch this very closely. You might even call it "The Clean Car Test". Guys who clean their cars are out to impress. Be that guy. +/-50

2. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: DO NOT BE LATE. It's insulting and shows a general lack of consideration. It's a good way to make your date feel unimportant. That's not good. Yes, I realize she will still be getting ready when you arrive. This does not mean you can fudge on 10 minutes. You must be on time. If you are going to be more than 10 minutes late, a PHONE CALL is required. And you'd better have a good excuse: your dog is sick, you got a flat tire, you are bleeding from your eye sockets, etc. If you don't have a good excuse, DO NOT LIE. (Do you really want to start lying to her already? You haven't even gone out yet!) Just tell us you're an idiot who lost track of time. We like it when you acknowledge your idiocy. This will actually score you points. If you are late, even with a good excuse, you are expected to make a humble apology. Three times.

Being on time is NOT THAT HARD. Suck it up, be an adult, and be on time. Please and thank you.

On time: expected, so no points. Being late: -100 points for every 5 minutes you are late. Apologizing for being late: expected, so no points. Apologizing fewer than 3 times, or just generally acting like it's no big deal: -100. Calling to say you're going to be late: +5

Note: If you are someone who is chronically tardy, do not worry. Some girls are lax on the tardiness rule, since they, too, are chronically tardy (gee...wonder who I'm referring to....). But the First Date is different. Better to play it safe and be on time. You can ask her during the date if she's a stickler for punctuality. This is called "Learning What She Likes" and it's another one of your goals.

Note: Do NOT show up 30 minutes ahead of time, like one guy did to me once. I had to entertain him for 30 minutes (he needed the TV remote, a drink, etc.) AND he had to see me without makeup on. Not good. Very irritating. Stick to no more than 10 minutes early. Any more than that, and you will lose 50 points.

3. Pick her up at her house (or place of employment). I cannot stress this enough. It shows you're willing to go the extra step. First of all, she's probably going to be running late (tweezing, powdering, outfit changing, hair do-ing, etc.) so you're going to be waiting on her anyway. Second of all, you don't want her thinking, "Gah, he can't even be bothered to pick me up on the FIRST date? This guy is so full of himself, he doesn't care about making an impression on me. Or else he's just incredibly lazy. What a jerk. I'm ordering the lobster." -- See? Like being on time, it's just better to pick her up. You can ask her on the date if she's cool with meeting up next time. ( "Learning What She Likes".) Most girls are considerate and accommodating in this regard, especially if decent amounts of time or money are expended in order to pick her up.

Picking her up for the first date: expected (usually). Picking her up, always: the points progress in value the longer you do it. So if you are still picking her up for everything 6 months into the relationship, you're getting about 100 points per pick-up. Picking her up, but whining about it: -25 points.

Note: Do not take it personally if she's a little on the paranoid side, and wants to meet you there on the first date. Some girls are just hyper-aware of safety. It doesn't mean you're creepy. If you were creepy, she wouldn't be going out with you. In theory.

Note: Another reason you want to pick her up is so that she doesn't have to wait on YOU to arrive. At best, she'll be mad that she had to wait alone, and at worst, another guy could steal your date! (-500 points)

Note: You will probably score lots of points if you are the guy who ALWAYS picks her up. If she thinks you're crazy for being that way or protests the idea, you can just say, "You're worth the effort." You will score even more points (+8,000). This will make it much easier to get into her pants later on.

Note: By picking her up at her place of employment/house, you can get a glimpse into her world: what she's like, what she surrounds herself with, whether or not her coworkers/roommate likes her. This is all good for information-gathering purposes. You can learn a LOT about someone by seeing the inside of their house. Good things to look at while you wait for her, ever so innocently: pics on her fridge, amount of clutter, books/movies/CDs/magazines laying around, evidence of an ability to cook, absence of objects which would indicate there's another man in her life.

4. Do not be negative, whiny or complaining. It's not fun to listen to people bitch and moan. Dates are supposed to be fun. People like being around people who are happy and positive. Feel free to keep track of how negative she is being, btw. No one wants to be dating Debbie Downer. Being negative: -25 pts. per incident.

5. One of the first things you should say is how fantastic/beautiful/gorgeous/hot/thin your date looks. Remember, we will NEVER get sick of hearing this until the day we die, so feel free to gush about it periodically throughout the date. Throw in a "Wow!" or a "No, really, I mean, WOW!" and you'll get even more points. Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Can you hear the points racking up??? (+100 per compliment) Don't overdo it, though or we will stop believing you. 3 times per date is pretty good.

6. Regarding doors and their opening. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where Every Woman is Different. However, I would advise any unsure, single guy to continue opening all doors for her unless she tells you to stop or grabs the door first. That is her way of saying, "I appreciate your kindness, but this isn't 1886 and I can get my own door, thanks. In fact, how about I hold it for you, too?" Rare is the modern girl who would be grossly offended by your opening the door for her. So when in doubt, hold and open all doors: car, restaurant, building, etc. It's better to slightly offend a modern woman (-15 points) than to GREATLY offend an old-fashioned one (-25,000). Because as an old-fashioned woman, I can tell you it really ticks me off when I'm not even worth a door holding. It will blow the date, actually--dating privileges will be revoked. In fact, if the door is not held for me, I will patiently wait until it is. One guy was halfway to the restaurant table with the hostess before realizing I was still outside, waiting for the door. High maintenance? Maybe. But he was very embarrassed, let me tell you.*

* I would like the record to show that this is pretty much the only high-maintenance thing I do. Doors are a big deal to me. You don't have to take me shopping or drive a nice car to impress me. Just open the damn door. It's not that hard. And I'm sure I'm not the only girl who feels like this. Ladies, back me up.

Note: Feel free to stop holding doors open if she doesn't say "Thank you," each and every time. We should be polite, too.

Note: Here's a crazy notion! If you don't know if she would like the doors opened for her, ASK. (+25 points for caring enough to ask.) This is another part of that whole "Learning What She Likes" thing.

7. Keep in mind that women's bodies are not as warm as men's bodies. This has been scientifically proven. There's about an 8 degrees Fahrenheit difference between the sexes when it comes to "comfy". Women get cold very easily, so you will get points for asking her if she is hot/cold/comfortable when you're in the car or at the restaurant. This is called "being courteous." Guess what kind of guy we like to kiss. Ding! Ding! Ding! You got it. (+ 75)

8. Turn the music down when you're in the car. What's more important, her telling you something about herself or listening to "Panama City" for the 4,367th time? Don't you want to hear what she has to say? If not, then why are you on this date?? (+75)

9. Avoid introducing Crush Girl to your Inner Hulk. Deep breaths. No yelling at other drivers. We want to feel like we are out with gentlemen who are in control of themselves, not silverback gorillas who are proverbially beating their chests when their manhood is challenged. Also included in this category are temper tantrums, jealous behavior, etc. (Gorilla-like behavior: -500 per occurrence.)

10. Another one of your goals should be to make your date feel safe at all times. Guys don't think about it much, because they are big, strong, brave and know how to fix stuff, so they don't need to worry about these things. But girls are usually of a more fragile physical nature. A lot of us have no idea what to do when the tire goes flat or when a bird flies inside the house. And we live in constant fear that around the next corner is a mugger, waiting to rob us, rape us and slit our throat. That's why we all carry those little mace things on our keychains. It also plays a role in why we like muscles and tall men so much. Big and strong = safety. You can put your date at ease by reassuring her you can protect her in case of muggers/natural disasters/giant insects/Armageddon/scary things in general. (+5,000 for giving off the "you're safe with me!" vibe, with an extra bonus of 20,000 points if you actually end up protecting her from something truly dangerous. Unless it's a big bug, which only counts for 75 points per bug. If we have to call our fathers or brothers for help, because you are as useless as a little girl when a crisis arises, -25,000. If you carry a gun to work, I will give you + 10,000 bonus. But that's just me. Guns are hot.)

I remember I was on a date with a nice guy once. We were leaving a movie theater when a SUPER creepy guy walked up to us and asked to bum a cigarette. If I had been alone, I would have literally run away from the guy--he was that scary. So imagine my terror to find that not only was my date giving him a smoke, but he proceeded to sit and chat with him for about 5 minutes. Not only was he not quickly whisking me away from Mr. Creepy, he was exposing me to more Mr. Creepy time. That was the last time I went out with that guy. If a girl can't feel safe with you, you don't have anything.

Note: This does not give you license to get into fist fights over trivial matters while on the date. There's a difference between feeling like we are safe and feeling like we are babysitting. See #9, above. (Fist fight on a date = -25,000. In most cases, your dating privileges will also be revoked.)

Part 2 is tomorrow....

Comments? Criticism? Praise? Let's discuss.