Proper First Date Behavior (Part 2)

Part One is below. I posted it yesterday.

11. If you run into a friend/acquaintance while on the date, it is polite to introduce your date to that person. Yes, it might be kind of weird and adult-like to say, "This is my date, Susie. Susie, this is Joe, my squash partner." But you will get points, trust me. You don't have to say "date" either. You can just say, "This is Susie." People can come to their own conclusions about what you're doing with Susie in public. So if she's dressed like a hooker, you might want to clarify. In any case, introducing her to everyone you run into will make her feel like you are showing her off, and that is GOOD. "Ca-ching!!" go the points. (+50 if you're just being polite, +200 if you make her feel like you're showing her off. -150 if you fail to introduce her. And no, "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce you because I didn't remember the other guy's name." is NOT an excuse.)

No one wants to feel they are a secret embarrassment to someone. Which is exactly how she will feel if you don't introduce her. Inside her head, it will go something like this: "Huh. I wonder why he didn't introduce me. Maybe he's embarrassed by me. I knew my ass looked fat in these jeans. Maybe he's got a girlfriend. Maybe he's got a wife. That bastard! Maybe he's just rude. In any case, I'm definitely ordering the lobster now." -- See? Being nice and polite and adult-like can save you money!

12. Do NOT talk on your cell phone while on the date, unless absolutely necessary. (-15,000-35,000, depending on the girl, dating privileges may be revoked.) Examples of absolutely necessary situations: you are horribly lost on the way to the fantastic restaurant where you're taking her, your mother just died, the world is coming to an end. Yup, those are pretty much the only 3 reasons you should be on your phone. This is starting to become a deal-breaker for a lot of women, guys. Just don't do it. Turn off your phone, if you are in the habit of just automatically answering it. No texting, either. (-500 per text) It's like whispering in front of someone -- very rude. Don't be Rude Guy. Feel free to hold Crush Girl to the same standards.

(Unless you're a horrible date, and her girlfriend calls her half-way through, and there's an "emergency", requiring your date to leave ASAP. Don't worry, she'll grab a cab, trust me. In which case, you should just email me so we can go over everything step-by-step, because you have royally screwed up somewhere along the line. Yeah, you're being ridiculed at brunch for SURE. She enacted the Emergency Phone Call on you. Yeesh. I don't even know how many points you've lost by that point. You're definitely in the black hole of negative points, though. Not only have your dating privileges been revoked, she probably won't acknowledge knowing you in public. Ouch.)

13. Do you pull out the chair? Tell the waiter what she will be eating for dinner? Help her with her coat? Hmmm. That is something you're going to have to ask her. (I know, I know! There's so much talking and asking going on! It's like you have to....talk to her. And stuff.) There's just too much variation from woman to woman on those sorts of things. It's ok! This is a first date! You're not expected to know what she likes yet. You're just trying to make a good impression and have fun. You will get points just for asking, actually. (+25 per courteous question) And really, you shouldn't have any points taken off for NOT asking these more difficult kinds of questions. It's just a first date. The girl isn't going to be all nazified on you. Yet.

14. DO NOT be rude to the waiter, waitress, hostess, cab driver or any other stranger you happen to encounter during the course of the date. Also, do not be a bad tipper on first dates. We're watching. Trust me. (-200 per rude/impatient behavior towards service workers, -200 for being a bad tipper.) Woe to the guy who is rude to the waitress when he's on a date with an ex-waitress, but doesn't realize it. (-20,000 and potential loss of dating privileges) However, if Crush Girl ordered her steak medium well, and it comes out like a hockey puck, feel free to stick up for her and demand better service -- politely. (+1,000)

15. Things NOT to talk about: medications you're on, family issues, ex-girlfriends, anything disgusting, kicking dogs, your criminal record, how you "hate people" (yup, I'm speaking from experience!), what your therapist says, how much money you make, how cool you are (bragging in general), anything too vulgar or sexual, politics, religion, any jokes in bad taste and anything too whiny/negative. (- 150 per inappropriate topic brought up. We know you're nervous, but watch it.)

Good things to talk about: travel, music, movies, books, tv shows, embarrassing stories, hobbies, childhood, college, goals for the future (but not marriage & babies), favorite things about where you live, anything that makes her laugh, how beautiful she is, how smart she is, how interesting she is, how funny she is......get my point? (interesting topics: +50 for each topic she seems to get into. +100 for each time you say something really funny. +1,000 if you say something so funny, she has tears rolling down her cheeks.)

Remember: The less talking you do, the more you can learn about her. Girls like to talk about themselves. A lot. People who let us do so get points. You want to be Points Guy. Besides, if you hog the conversation, she will think you're full of yourself. And then she'll order the lobster. (-500 for hogging the conversation.)

16. Do. Not. Get. Drunk. Yes, we know you are nervous. We are, too. But please, we don't want to feel you need to escape reality when you're with us. Limit it to two drinks on the first date, please. Again, we don't want to feel we are babysitting you. (-20,000 if you get drunk and possibly... dating privileges revoked) Do not eat Crush Girl's dinner unless you are invited (-8,000 pts.) and certainly don't eat half of it (again, I am speaking from experience!). Talking Crush Girl into dessert, despite her "protests": +1,000. (You see, girls almost always want dessert. But since we aren't paying, we feel weird asking for it. Smart guys realize this and order it anyway. Also, it's kinda nice if you share it with us. It's romantic and doesn't make us feel like we ate the whole thing.)

17. Regarding the bill: Overwhelmingly, women expect the guy to pick up the tab on the first date. Sorry, dudes. Consider it a small price to pay for having the privilege of being seen with us in public. I don't know about 2nd, 3rd or 4th dates--it can vary from girl to girl and situation to situation. But for the first date, you've gotta cough it up. (Paying for first date: expected, so no points. Not even tolerating the notion of the girl paying a dime: +1,000. Asking the girl to pay half: -5,000. Expecting the girl to pay the whole thing: death.)

18. Finishing up the date! Oh boy! I don't know how guys are, but for me, this is the most nerve-wracking thing about the whole date. I get really nervous, and start blabbing away about nothing. If Crush Girl does that, too, you can take the opportunity to pop a mint as you listen. No one wants to kiss Garlic Guy. (No points for having nice breath. We assume you want smooches, so it's expected that you will take proper steps to make yourself smooch-worthy. Complaining about lipstick getting on you during the smooching process: -100 pts. We put it on to look good for you, jerk.)

Ideally, how should it go? Hmmm. First of all, walk her to the door. This shows effort, consideration, protection (There could be a mugger in the bushes! You never know!) and manners. If you had a good time and want to take her out again, please, for her sanity, go ahead and tell her so. Something along the lines of, "I had a really good time. I want to take you out again, if that's ok. You look fanstastic, did I tell you that?" is good. You don't have to have date #2 all planned out in your head. You don't have to commit to setting the date's day/time, either. Just make it clear you want to take her out again. She will probably reply that she also had a good time and affirm that a 2nd date is in order. Unless you screwed up, in which case she'll probably say, "Uh...yeah, me too!" and then run inside quickly and never return your phone calls. But if you've been listening to me, you are probably golden at this point.

Walking her to the door: expected, so no points.
Not walking her to the door: removal of testicles. Just kidding. But it is pretty insulting, so -10,000.
Asking her out for date #2 at end of date #1: + 1,000
Saying only "I'll call you." : - 5,000 and you can forget smooching.
Saying only "I'll call you" and waiting a week to ask us out for date #2: by this point, she probably hates you. That's another post.

This is when the smooching may or may not occur. If there has been physical contact (her hand on your arm or shoulder, hand-holding, arms around each other) preceding this moment, you're probably cleared for a smooch. If not, you might want to hold off. This is not the end of the world. Anticipation is hot. Trust me.

Let's say the date went REALLY well, and she's invited you in. Do not assume it's to have sex. Sometimes coffee is really just coffee. But if she's been all over you and has put her hand on your thigh, you might just be getting lucky!

19. What if you think all the ingredients for a great date are there, but um, things just didn't go as planned? Don't worry. First dates are nerve-wracking. She's probably as nervous as you are. Most girls will give you the benefit of the doubt and let you have a 2nd shot. Or maybe you just royally messed up. Maybe she did. In any case, life goes on. Cry into your ice cream, or whatever it is guys do after bad dates, and then get back on the horse. Ask her out again, make a joke about your "practice round", and do better on round 2.

20. One last word about your appearance. Do not wear sneakers/athletic shoes or gym clothes, unless you're both going to a sporting event as the date activity. Do not wear flip flops or Tevas (do guys still wear Tevas?) unless it's a pool party or outdoor party. Please do not wear anything wrinkled. T-shirts with funny/vulgar sayings on them are also to be avoided. Ties are not necessary, but please, dress like an adult who is taking this seriously. We put forth some effort to look nice for you. Can't you do the same? Bonus points if you smell good, by the way.

Want more tips? This is a pretty good article.