Dying Alone and Childless: Day 23

First of all, I must thank each and every one of you for your support, emails, text messages and comments. I am truly overwhelmed, and literally brought to tears. *sniff*

This is going to make no sense, but the decision was both easy and incredibly difficult. At the same time. But I am also alternating between the two, especially now, after 3 weeks. It's so obvious we are wrong for each other! No, wait! Oh my gawd, did I really do that? Am I ok with this? Yes. Yes, I am totally ok. No, wait. etc. etc. Those of you who love the Voices in My Head have no idea what the cocophony has been like for the last month. I feel like a very, very strong woman..........but also like a murderer. I killed my dream. I killed us. But I am proud of myself for recognizing something and doing something about it, even though it made me sad and hurt someone I still care very deeply for. I have pride and shame. Mostly shame.

The thing that is really strange about this whole process (and it makes sense if you think about it) is how similar this feels to grief. I imagine it must be even worse if it's in the context of going through a divorce. That must be excruciating.

Like grief, I have good days and I have bad days. Some days I am feeling fine, and almost ready to put it all in the past and move on. Other days, I am really bummed out and wondering, "What if I just blew it?" I mean, you only get so many chances in life, right? What if I am being too picky? No two people agree on everything, so you have to have compromises, right? Do people really get married after the age of 32, or is that just what tv wants you to think? If I were to meet Mr. Perfect today, there's no way I would make it down the aisle anytime sooner than 32, let's face it. I am in a race against crow's feet, y'all. It's getting serious now. Have I officially reached old maid-dom? Are my ovaries vestigial organs at this point, and I might as well start planning my trip around the world -- solo? Because that is my Plan B: Become a World Traveller. Are all the men in my age range as confused, damaged and gun-shy as I am now? Or worse -- are all the good ones taken?

...and then there's the obvious question......

When and how do I try to re-enter the world of dating? Do I try online dating again?

*shudder* Because I am in a town where I don't really know anyone. So my dating options are pretty much nil. Ugh. No. Not yet, anyway. Maybe in a few months. I gotta get a feel for this town through the eyes of a single girl first. I don't know if it's full of jackasses who will only waste my time or if it's just a matter of separating the wheat from the chaff.

This is really all moot, anyway, as CN and I are now......roommates. Yes, we are 100% broken up. We've even had the, "Ok, are we really really broken up? Or is there a chance we might get back together?" talk. There is no touching beyond hugs, I put a robe on when I get out of the shower, etc. We are in separate bedrooms and are rarely home at the same time. So far.....so good. I don't have to cook, and he doesn't have to take me out to dinner. We each have our own couch, and if we don't want to watch the same show, one of us just goes upstairs. No harm, no foul.

I wonder if you are thinking this sounds incredibly awkward. It isn't. It's funny how comfortable it has been so far. I guess when you have dated someone for 2 years, the time to feel awkward has passed completely, no matter the circumstances. We are both pretty laid back people, and we have agreed not to bring any new significant others over until further notice. (Repeating this rule aloud just makes us snicker, because both of us go for loooooooong periods of time between relationships, so it's humorous to even think about dating a new person right now.)

At first, we talked about him moving out, but it would be difficult for me to afford this place on my own. Especially since his job pays for Internet (yay!). And he was not excited about the idea of moving again after we JUST got here. So for the time being, we are roomies. The Czarina does NOT get this and doesn't like it. I think she is worried we won't be able to move on or avoid sleeping together. I see her concern, but unfortunately, I don't make enough money to kick him out. Well, I do, but it would seriously impact my clothing budget. :) And he's saving a lot of money by staying, too. You can't live in a decent neighborhood in Savannah for under $800/month, and right now, we are each paying $500/month -- essentially a steal. And to be honest, I don't want to have any other roommate right now. CN is a really good one. Except that he doesn't seem to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher -- a minor concern in the world of roommates.

He has told his job that he wants to be put on what is called "detail". This means he would travel a LOT all around the state, to different towns to do his work. If he gets put on detail, he will be gone periodically for as long as a month at a time. Obviously, this would be good for both of us. He's still waiting to hear back from them.

For the first time in my life, I wish I had a PR assistant. Someone to break the news to family and friends, field any questions, deal with the backlash, put out a press release for me. Because explaining it is one of the worst parts about this process. I dread it. And it's big news, too. I can't just do a facebook update. I have to email or call all the important people in my life. Individually. It took me about a week just to tell you guys, and I don't even know most of you! I try to get other people to spread the word for me so I don't have to repeat my sad story over and over and over. I elected one trusted coworker to put the news out to everyone at work. I even managed to change my facebook status secretly, so there was no horrible broken heart icon in everyone's news feed. (Whew!)

Then again, part of me feels like this is what I get for what I did. The punishment for my crime. Like Sisyphus, I am doomed to repeat my story over and over and over forever. Endless questions. Endless pity. Every time I tell it, I get more and more bummed out. Luckily, it comes and goes in waves. And work is REALLY busy right now, so that helps a lot.

I have gotten a mixed bag of reactions to the news, from shock to confusion to relief to pity -- and everything inbetween. What has been surprising to me is how invested some of our friends were in "us". A couple of them are having a hard time coming to terms that we broke up. For real. And no, we are not getting back together. I've been really surprised at how many family members were relieved to hear the news. They could tell we weren't a good fit. But they kept their mouths shut. I do not blame them. Telling someone they are with the wrong person is very difficult.

I am worried about the long term effects of this living situation. I have a friend who is in a similar situation. She's been in it for about 6 months now, and they are waiting for the house to sell before they can part ways. Ugh. I feel for her. Anyway, she said to me the other day that she's thinking about getting back together with him. I am worried that as time passes, I may start thinking like that, and fall back to where we were, and end up dragging things out or making a mistake...ugh. So I am a little concerned about my future and my ability to stay strong for a long period of time (we all have our needs -- *ahem*) and still move on despite the fact that I am living with an ex-fiance.

But I have to say that we are both being respectful, mature and flexible. So I'm kind of proud of us. Most people would turn this into a vindictive, painful and petty living situation. We are not.

I don't think he would admit it, even to himself, but I think he feels some relief, too. The pressure to be someone he's not is all gone. He doesn't have to try and understand me or my needs anymore. I think he may be starting to see how this is a good thing. Or maybe I just tell myself that to alleviate some of the mountains of guilt I am experiencing.

More than anything, though, I feel really really alone and lost. For the first time in my life. For two years, I have been a part of something. And now it's gone. Who am I? Why did I put myself in this situation? Am I pushing people away? How do I get in touch with myself again, when so much of my identity is wrapped up with him? What's next?

I guess today is one of those bad days.

Back-up Plan

Since I'm stuck at work while I'm supposed to be on my vacation (see below), I will now proceed to blog whatever the hell I want because I am really pissed off. Deal.

Last night I was home alone. Since I was having one of my bi-monthly freakouts about job/money/career issues, Repo was sweet enough to come over and calm me down. Again. (We didn't go out until later.)

We were talking about retirement and investing, etc. He asked me why I wasn't on track to buy a house any time soon. He already has one and is looking to buy a second one by the end of the year. I told him that aside from the fact that making gigantic purchases freaks me out, it would be admitting defeat. He looked puzzled. So I explained to him that it's part of my Back-Up Plan. The alternate lifestyle I will lead in case I never get married. Since I'm 27 and most of my friends are married (or at least divorced or engaged), I have to realize: It might not happen for me. It is a possibility that I will be an old maid. And the sooner I plan for it, the better it will be when I finally face reality. So I have thought of all the fun stuff I'd like to do just in case.

Do you have a contingency plan in case you don't get married? I do. It goes something like this:

I wait until around age 40 to buy a house. This is because I really view buying a house as something you do when you are married. So to buy one now feels like I am admitting defeat. Silly, I know. Plus, I figure by then I will have a set career and be financially stable enough to pull it off. Right now, that isn't really possible unless I totally eliminate all fun money in my budget. This is not an option.

I will own at least 6 dogs, all of varying breeds and sizes. I am not a fan of cats, so I would just become a dog lady. I will love and adore them and adopt strays on the side of the road in addition to saving pound puppies and/or rescue purebreds.

I may or may not be a foster mom. I've always loved kids, and since I wouldn't be having any of my own, this would be the next best thing. Also, there is something about orphan kids that just tugs at my heartstrings. If I'm ever First Lady, my platform will be about adoption reform. This country is really messed up in that way, I think.

(This is my favorite part) Since I will be single, it really doesn't matter what I look like, so I will allow myself to get as plump as I desire. Most weight gain will come from ice cream, my own cooking and baking. I will become an awesome cook and throw dinner parties all the time. Playing hostess is one of my favorite things to do.

Since I get to keep all my income for myself, I will have enough money to buy that red convertible I've always wanted and take a few real vacations (like, the kinds that make your friends jealous). And living alone means that my makeup and shopping budget won't be compromised. I can buy as many shoes and as much Clinique as I want! Woo-hoo!

Actually...this is sounding pretty good. Maybe I won't get married, after all. I mean, why not avoid diapers, right? Now, if only I can break the news to The Czarina...

100 Things About VB

Only because everyone else has these lists. These are in addition to the Six Weird Things About Me.

1. I am left-handed.
2. I can drive stick.
3. I cannot do math. At all. Not even add or subtract. My checkbook is always off by some random amount, like right now I'm off by $4.11.
4. States I've lived in include: VA, NC, SC, IN
5. I've never been west of Kansas.
6. I've been in 2 tornadoes. NOT fun.
7. I can't sing, but I love to try when I'm alone.
8. My ethnic background is 2/3 Irish. The rest is Scottish, English and German.
9. I am a bottle blonde. I secretly want platinum blonde hair like Marilyn Monroe.
10. This ethnic makeup means my skin is Honkey White in color. But I tan well.
11. I've been to Italy, Key West and Chicago. I love to travel.
12. I was an ancient history major. Until the age of 21 I wanted to be an archaeologist. Then I realized this meant I'd have to get dirty. A lot. Not my bag.
13. Now I don't know what I want to be. It changes on a daily basis.
14. My siblings and I have semi-unusual names.
15. I hate tea. Hot, cold, sweet, whatever. It's all nasty.
16. I also hate olives, artichokes, sushi and Indian food.
17. Lots of things make me barf. You can say I'm a "puker". I barf a lot.
18. I suffer from migraines and live in fear of them. Thank the Lord for Excedrin or I would kill myself.
19. I have a tendency to over-dress for occassions. I like looking nice and getting dressed up. It's the little girl in me.
20. I drink a cup of coffee every morning. I love it. I must have it.
21. My first impressions of people are always right. Always. I've never been wrong.
22. I am kind of OCD-ADD. This means I get obsessed with a new project, then I get bored and find a new project. I never finish anything. I just move on to the next obsession.
23. I hate cold weather. And by cold I mean anthing below 75 degrees F.
24. I don't mind cleaning bathrooms or kitchens at all. This is because dirty sinks really bug me.
25. But I hate dusting.
26. I'm somewhat of a germophobe. This doesn't stop me from letting my dog lick my face.
27. I am retarded when it comes to home decorating. Just clueless.
28. I am probably the most opinionated person you will ever meet. I have no problem telling anyone how I feel. I don't always sugar-coat it either.
29. I have a grand total of 4 cousins. They are all boys.
30. My family is spread out all over God's Creation. I am jealous of people who can see their whole, extended family all the time. This is foreign to me.
31. Most of the people in my family are good cooks. The biscuit recipe we use is from my great-great grandmother. She was a pioneer out west. I think this is so cool.
32. I am an "indoor girl". This means that camping is not my idea of a good time.
33. But sitting on a porch or walking in a park is nice.
34. You'll never catch me doing anything that would put me at risk for bodily injury. I am a big wuss. I wouldn't even do a wheelie on my bike when I was a kid. I still wouldn't.
35. But I really don't mind public speaking.
36. Or going on blind dates.
37. I'm a social butterfly. Meeting new people is one of my favorite things to do. I am very very friendly.
38. I have a big mouth. No subject is off limits with me.
39. I have the largest makeup collection of anyone I know. I own at least 150 lipsticks alone. I shudder to think how much money I spend on it. But I can't stop.
40. The rest of my spending money goes towards candy, cookies and ice cream. My sweet tooth scares me sometimes.
41. I once ate two pounds of Jelly Belly jellybeans in one day. I only stopped because I ran out of jellybeans.
42. So I went back to the store to get more from the big scoop-em-yourself bins. They were out because I had just bought the last of them. So I busted open the display and I bought those.
43. I want to have a ton of kids one day. Like...five or six. I should probably get on that considering I'm 27 and single.
44. There are only three desserts I won't eat: key lime pie, anything with liquer in it and tiramisu. Yuck!
45. I'm slowly turning into my mother. This isn't too bad. She's pretty cool. Luckily I didn't inherit her short temper. Or her mediocre sense of humor. But she's much better at math. Dang.
46. I don't like the taste of wine. I don't even drink it at church. This has nothing to do with the fact that I don't drink alcohol at all.
47. I love dogs. I just got one and now I want to have 7 or 8. If I don't get married, I'll be a dog lady. And I'll adopt a bunch of kids.
48. But I dislike cats. I think I'm also mildly allergic to them. Plus, I find them very unfriendly and not at all fun to play with. They scratch me.
49. When I don't do anything productive, I get depressed. Busy VB is Happy VB.
50. I'm very old-fashioned in some ways. Door opening is big with me.
51. I am really really good a foreign languages. I can talk to you in French, Latin, Spanish and German.
52. I love anything Italian. Or Southern.
53. I feel I have nothing in common with hippies. Or most Yankees. Or gay people. I'm working on this. Please don't hate me. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. I'm not very p.c. I guess.
54. James Bond and the volleyball scene from Top Gun are the hottest things I've ever seen. They leave me speechless and drooling. Well, uniforms and tuxes are just hot! What can I say?
55. I have a thing for blondes with lots of muscles. Skinny men are really unattractive to me. I'm more of a football-player-build kinda girl.
56. I am totally against the whole Metrosexual movement. Manly men rock!
57. My hair is stick straight. Always. It laughs at me when I try to curl it.
58. I am on a constant quest to have clearer skin and longer nails.
59. I was in a sorority in college.
60. But I was never a cheerleader.
61. I did track for one year in high school.
62. Other than that, I am totally unathletic. I only work out to keep my figure.
63. There isn't a tomboy bone in my body. I am 100% girly girl.
64. But I do enjoy watching the occassional college football or basketball game.
65. I love my boobs but I hate my hips.
66. People think I am a half-Asian blonde girl, but I'm not. I have almond-shaped eyes because they are from the Scottish side of my family.
67. I have lots of random small-world moments. The stories give people chills.
68. I love horror movies, ghost stories and true crime stories.
69. I believe in ghosts. But I've never seen one. I have had weird stuff happen to me, though. I half-way believe in psychics.
70. When I was little, I was obsessed with fairies and My Little Ponies.
71. I think Mike Myers is hilarious. I also find animals very funny.
72. I also like British humor like Monty Python. I realize not everyone likes this.
73. I grew up on a farm. We grew raspberries and tobacco and had horses and cows.
74. I was raised Catholic. Like, old school Catholic. I had to wear a mantilla to church. Mass was in Latin. Because of this, I'm always having a guilt trip about something. It comes with the territory.
75. Then my family switched to Episcopalian a few years ago. We got fed up with the Catholic Church. Sometimes I miss being Catholic.
76. I am a huge history buff. Anything historical is cool.
77. I love to read when I'm in the mood. Usually I am reading to learn something. Yes, I am a big dork. I'm just not that into fiction, ok?
78. Addiction comes easily to me. This is not good.
79. I can play the violin. I played for many years.
80. I always wanted art lessons instead. I like drawing and love art.
81. I really identify with Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, the women on Sex and the City and Miss Piggy. I just realized that makes me sound like a bimbo. I'm not. Okay, maybe I am a little.
82. I really want a red convertible one day. And a house on the beach.
83. But if I won the lottery, I would buy a yacht and sail around the world, partying with all my friends. Kinda like the Big Pimpin' video.
84. I like all kinds of music except jazz. Especially rap. (It's okay to hate me for this.)
85. I am a nerd because I like school. Learning is really fun for me. I want to be in school again. I would take a class just for fun.
86. I am a know-it-all who needs to be called out.
87. I have a tendency to be close-minded and overly-conservative. But I'm working on it.
88. I always know what I want. Always.Wimpy people who are afraid to make decisions and can't make up their minds irritate the piss out of me.
89. Reading over my shoulder will get you an elbow to the face.
90. I once dated a guy with three testicles.
91. Any version of pink or green are my favorite colors.
92. I hate brown. And that mustard color.
93. I am a good person to borrow money from because I will forget about it five minutes later. But if I borrow money from you, I will also forget to repay you.
94. My baby brother died in a sudden drowning accident two years ago to the day. He was 18. Eight months later I lost my dad. Grief sucks. If another one of my family members dies, I'll kill them. Har har.
95. I never have cash on me. Ever.
96. I use my American Express card for everything. I am keeping them in business.
97. I don't usually like mushy and romantic stuff. After about 5 minutes of cheese, I want to barf. Flowers are an exception.
98. My toes are freakishly long. I think I could peel a banana with them, but I haven't tried.
99. I'm a horrible person to play a board game with: I am both a sore loser and a sore winner. I play for blood!!
100. I have a pair of lucky purple shoes. Every time I wear them, something cool happens.