The $300 Water Bottle

I am nothing if not determined. And patient. And thorough.

Y'all would die laughing if you knew how I spend my time on some days. I can spend a week looking for a song I heard. Once, I spent a week looking for a friend of mine from childhood, Tori Condorodis. (Tori, if you are reading this, I have been looking for your ass for years, girl! YEARS!) I have stubbornly hunted down lyrics, book titles, SNL skits, the cheapest airline tickets, historical facts, urban legends, etymology tidbits, untold unusual items on eBay, the perfect paint color for my bathroom and recipes for coconut cheesecake. And then there's the whole genealogy thing I've been on for the past few months. That's an entirely different story!

It's only made worse by the fact that I'm a professional librarian, because not only do I know where to go and how to search for something, I am also trained to be resourceful and think of other ways to find whatever it is I'm looking for when I hit a stumbling block.

And today, I have hit a big one. So I am taking a break from my searching before I scream and pull out my hair so that I may vent here.

A little back story for you. Right when we first started dating, I mentioned to CN how much I disliked most re-usable water bottles on the market. I don't like the ones with the straws, because the straws are too difficult to clean, and sometimes they fall off the lid, which causes you to stop what you're doing, unscrew the lid and stick the straw back in. I hate the ones you squeeze, because I somehow either end up choking on the water or spilling it everywhere. I don't like the ones where you have to unscrew a top to get to the water. And all the other ones I've tried are poorly made, and break too easily. Or they are too tall to fit into the dishwasher. I just got a new one, and it is horrid -- it leaks EVERYWHERE. I have been on a quest for a great water bottle for years, people. YEARS. On the top shelf of my kitchen cupboard resides a graveyard of discarded water bottles that didn't make the cut.

One day a few weeks later, CN came over and told me he had gotten me something. This is one of my favorite things he says, so he had my undivided attention. From behind his back, he pulled out a large, green water bottle.

It.

Was.

Perfect.

High quality plastic, a beautiful green color, large enough to hold enough water for a long workout, a little plastic ring to make it easy to carry...and the best part of all: a GENIUS lid. All you do is push this little button, and the top flips up to reveal an ergonomical spout from which to drink your water -- no squeezy thing, no straws. When closed, the lid protects the spout and the water from germs, dirt and debris. Which was a feature I hadn't even thought of, but instantly loved.

"And it's dishwasher safe," CN explained proudly.

I may have fallen in love with him right at that moment.

Do you see where this is going? Yeah. About a month or so ago, I lost it. I cannot find it anywhere, not even in my car, which is where my lost things usually end up. The last time I remember having it, I was finishing up a workout with my trainer. Despite my repeated pleadings with the gym staff to search in the lost and found "just one more time, please", it has not turned up. The gym staff thinks I am a psycho, because I come up to the desk once a week, frantically searching for a stupid $5 water bottle, but I don't care. I am lost without it. I regret that I never truly appreciated the water bottle until I lost it. It was always my favorite, mostly because CN gave it to me, but now I appreciate it for its impeccable design.

My first instinct was to ask my trainer if he'd picked it up for me. No dice. (He also looked at me like I was a little crazy.) Since then, I have scanned the gym every time I am there, looking for the bastard who ganked my bottle. I know what happened. I left it sitting on a bench while I dug for my keys, and then I just left it there when I walked out. Someone with a good eye for a perfect water bottle came along and decided to just keep it. Which is really stealing, in essence. A responsible person, like yours truly, returns things to the front desk. (I found a watch once, and a wallet -- I promptly turned them in to the staff. You'd think karma would pay me back for that!!!)

But one day, they will screw up. I know it. Right now, they are laying low, hiding out with my water bottle. They probably only use it at home or at work. They are too afraid to return to the scene of the crime with it. But one day.....one day....They will forget that they stole it, and bring it to the gym, where I will see them using it, and confront them, probably with much hostility. And possible bloodshed. *In Arnold Schwarzenegger voice* I will get it back.

This is what I get for not appreciating my bottle!! It has been taken away from me!! And given to someone else who loves it, probably as much as I do!! And I cannot even bear to tell CN that I lost it. It is my dirty little secret I am keeping from him. I am ashamed of myself. One of the best things he ever gave me, and I carelessly leave it laying around for someone who is too cheap to go buy his own water bottle.

Just to rub salt into the wound, that bitch Karma has ensured that I will never be able to get a water bottle like that again. The store where CN got it no longer sells them. Which prompted me to go on a searching binge to buy one online. "Oh, one little trip over to Amazon.com will take care of that," I thought.

Not so fast, VB. Amazon only sells your average, flawed water bottles. So does Target. And Walmart. And Dick's Sporting Goods. And the camping supply store in town. And all the grocery stores (yes, I have visited just about every one in town). Buying one off of eBay just doesn't sound like a good idea. Who knows where the water bottle has been??

An intensive, hours-long Internet search led me to -- JOY!! -- a website selling the same bottle, but with a company logo on it. Logo, schmogo -- I wanted my water bottle NOW! Who cares if it promotes a company? I click "Buy" and...

"This item is no longer available."

Are you freaking kidding me.

I went back to the drawing board. Eventually, I managed to find out the make and model of the water bottle. (Yes, it's like a car. This is the Cadillac of water bottles, I'm telling you.) Now, I have something to work with!! Surely, some retailer sells these little buggers online! I did a search for the make and model. A bazillion hits. Jackpot!!!!

Upon further inspection, I realize that Little Miss Karma is a sick, evil and twisted little bitch: the bottles are only sold through those business promotions companies, you know, the places where you go to get your company logo put onto 450 coffee cups or 1600 ballpoint pens.

In my frenzied state of desperation, I almost went for it: "Ok, let's see. I can get 36 of them for $7.19 each...plus a $50 flat rate for the order set-up....which comes out to....$308.84. Plus shipping. Hmmm. Maybe I can get an Indiana University logo on it...or a cute message, and then I can give them out as gifts! Yeah!"

When reality set back in, I realized this was far too much to spend on water bottles. Worse yet, my friends would hate me for giving them a stupid water bottle every year for their birthdays. "But check out the lid! It flips! Isn't that awesome? This year, I decided to give you a purple one!" I would say.

*sigh*

So, my search continues. But if you are one of those people who orders the little freebies with the company logo imprinted on them, will you please get your logo put onto H2Go's Zuma water bottle?? I'll take any color. I'll buy 10 from you. And I will I verbally promote your business until the cows come home! I promise!

And if you happen to see one of my beloved Zuma water bottles for sale at your local store, please buy me 3 of them. Trust me, I will make it worth your time! Here's a photo, which can be easily printed out and carried in your wallet for reference purposes:

Cruise News, Part 1

It's good to know that so many of my readers can relate to my vision problems! Wow, did I get a lot of sympathy on my last post! I did end up going back to the eye doctor before I left, and she put me in stronger contacts. Apparently, I am "in-between" lens strengths, and the weaker one isn't enough. Don't ask me why it wasn't enough when I left the first time, because I can't figure it out, either. I guess my eyes just don't fully adjust as quickly as they should. I can see pretty well with the new ones, so I'm going to just go with these.

I think the thing is, since I don't know what it's like to really be able to see perfectly, it is hard to gauge what is "perfect vision". I feel like I should be able to see China when I put my contacts in, so anything less seems too weak to me. But I did a check with CN on the way to Jacksonville. For the first hour of our trip, he had to listen to me asking: "Can you read that green sign yet? Or is it still fuzzy? What about that license plate in front of us? Can you read that?" -- I wanted to know if I was seeing what he was seeing. Since he has 20/20 vision, I figured that is a good test. We were seeing the same things at the same time, so I must be good.

I know you will be disappointed to hear this, but I don't have any cruise pictures yet. I will post some as soon as I can. We took a lot of them on CN's camera, so he has to learn how to upload them before I can share with you. For now, I will give you the first part of the trip.

CN and I had so much fun driving to/from Jacksonville together. We talked and laughed and teased each other. He has a Sirius radio, and I played dj on the trip, which was great for me, but not always great for him--he hates rap. He liked all my serenading, though. I had fun making him guess what song was playing. He knows an incredible amount of music trivia. So we had a blast on our way to meet up with everyone.

CN and I went on the cruise with two other couples: Larva & Sandra and Roger & Grace (yes, these names are totally made-up or nicknames). We had met Larva & Sandra before, as Larva and CN are old college buddies. We were meeting Roger & Grace for the first time.

CN and I met up with the two other couples about halfway between Columbia and Jacksonville, at a Burger King off the highway. The first thing they say to us is this: "Ok, before we head down to Jacksonville, we have to make a pit-stop in Savannah."

CN & I: "Um, ok. Why?"

Sandra: "Well, because Larva didn't get his birth certificate stamped with the official seal, so if we don't get it, they won't let him on the boat."

[Insert VB & CN irritation here.]

It turns out that Larva, who has had WEEKS to get his paperwork in order, thought that he could bullshit his way through security with just a photocopied birth certificate. He had even gone with Sandra to the health department just 2 days beforehand, when she went to get hers. "You're sure you don't need one?" she had asked. He told her "no".

When he announces this little tidbit of information that morning to Roger & Grace on the way to meet us, they told him he was an idiot and that his little plan would not work. CN and I agreed.

I still can't figure out why Sandra was not furious with Larva about this. "If you had pulled this stunt," I said to CN, "You would be dead meat right now. I would get on the boat without your ass."

"Trust me, I would never do something that stupid," he replied. "I practically gave myself a heart attack double checking all that stuff!"

So our plan was to take a detour to Savannah to hunt down a health department, pray they were open and cross our fingers that it would not take too long to get a proper birth certificate. Thank goodness Larva was born in Georgia, rather than somewhere far away, like Utah. After some exasperated sighs on my part, we all get into our cars and drive into Savannah.

CN and I begin to follow everyone through Savannah. We seemed to be going nowhere. When our motorcade did yet another u-turn, CN calls Larva to ask him what the hell is going on. It turns out that no one has a CLUE as to where the Health Department is in Savannah, and they were trying to find it through sheer luck.

More exasperated sighs on my behalf. This is not a good way to start a vacation.

Luckily, CN saved the day and found the Health Department with his GPS system. (Thank you, Garmin company.) A few minutes later, we were at the Health Department and were glad to see that there was no line or waiting period needed to get a proper birth certificate.

Fifteen minutes later, we are on our way to get on the boat. We are about 2 hours behind schedule, but it's no big deal. We still got on the boat in a short amount of time. Getting on the boat was very easy.

While we had been waiting on Larva at the Health Department, I told Sandra how I was worried about getting seasick. She told me to take a half a Dramamine the first day, and I should be fine for the rest of the trip. She's a nurse and an experienced cruiser, so that's what I did. Aside from the first night, when I was feeling a tiny bit woozy, I was totally fine for the rest of the trip. I was very relieved, because that was a big worry on my part.

CN and I got to our cabin. The bed was AMAZING -- seriously, y'all, it is a miracle I ever got out of that bed. It was big, soft and clean, and the thread count on the sheets must have been 500. The pillows were the perfect mix of squishy/firm. Our steward changed the sheets every day...ahhh. It was bliss.

Too bad I can't say the same thing for the bathroom. Now, I was on an old ship (built in 1987), so I knew not to get too excited about the bathroom. But the shower was totally gross: it was tiny, moldy, dark and felt "germy". It didn't have the most effective drain, either. I think it was the rubber mat on the floor of the shower that really bothered me. All I could think was, "Ew, athlete's foot!!!" So I took very quick showers. And I know I'm probably being a little harsh/germo-phobic, but I have a thing about bathrooms. I am picky.

We unpacked and freshened up and went up to the pool deck to meet everyone else for lunch.

All of my hopes about the kick-ass cruise food were quickly destroyed. The cafeteria on the pool deck smelled like a mixture of fried food, mold and body odor. It was so bad that I had to cover my nose every time I went in there. It literally made me nauseous. I grabbed a burger, some fries, some pasta salad and a couple other things. I did not eat a lot of food from this cafeteria again, instead opting for the dining rooms, which at least didn't make me want to barf. That smell was seriously unbearable.

This first meal was no different from all the other meals on this trip: average to bad. Half the food on the boat was totally disgusting, to the point that it was inedible. (Example: the caesar salad tasted like fish. Now, I know that caesar dressing has anchovy paste in it. But this tasted like it was 100% anchovy paste. Ew.). A lot of dishes were overcooked or flavorless. The rest was ok. I didn't eat any veggies the whole time I was on board, because everything from the salads to the steamed veggies were just awful. A lot of the seafood was overcooked and rubbery. The fruit was not ripe. The pizza was soggy and tasted funny. The escargot was cold. The mashed potatoes were stiff as a board. The desserts were average at best. The cakes, cookies and brownies were all dry and bland. The sandwiches, eggs and pancakes were so-so. The French toast was not very good. The cheesecake was gross. The only things that waere pretty good were the beef and the pancakes. So I ate beef almost every night for dinner, and pancakes for breakfast.

How do you mess up cheesecake and pizza???!! This completely blew my mind. CN agreed with me about all the food. Everyone else thought I was nuts as they chowed down. Maybe I am nuts. *shrugs*

I can't tell you about the chocolate buffet, because it was held at midnight that night, and I missed it. But I doubt I missed much, based on the forgettable desserts I had the rest of the time. By midnight most nights, I was enjoying the heavenly bed in my cabin. I'm not much of a night owl.

The only thing that really impressed me was the coffee -- it was perfect. Oh, and there was this chocolate lava cake that was really good, too. But that was it as far as food excitement was concerned.

Overall, the food was average/bad at best. I can cook better food myself. The food I get in restaurants here in Columbia beats anything they had on their ship hands down. So if you are going on a cruise, don't get excited about the food if you are used to yummy Southern cuisine.

The good news is, I only gained two pounds--and I think that was more from not exercising than anything else! :)

After we ate lunch, the ship left the dock. We all agreed that you can feel a lot of motion in such a small cruise ship. CN and I went to the front of the boat to watch the huge bridge go over us. It was pretty cool.

We hung out by the pool with the rest of our group after that. Everyone proceeded to start drinking heavily! We had a good time just people-watching, hanging out and dancing to the music played by a dj. I really liked Roger & Grace right away. They are super fun and friendly, plus, they are hilarious. After a bit, we went to our cabins to change into dinner attire.

Dinner was apparently forgettable, since I don't remember anything I ate. :P

After dinner, CN and I were pooped. We had been up since 6am, so we were exhausted. I think we went to bed by 9:30. I slept like a rock!

Ok, I will write more tomorrow!

New Orleans!

Ok, I swear that I'm alive. You can stop the search party. I know I've been gone for um...well over a week. But it's the holidays, so I've been really busy. I'm sure you can understand.

Did you know I am kind of a perfectionist with my blog posts? I am. I re-write each one about three times. So writing about my trip to New Orleans has been quite an ordeal -- one post was not enough, so I have a 2nd drafted post after this. But I wanted to wait on my photos to get developed so that I could show you my pics in the same post...and then I had car trouble....and....BLAH. Now I'm all screwed up, because part of me is thinking, "Dude, no one wants to read two posts about your trip. Just sum it up and get on with your life." But another part of me is saying, "Yes, but you are stuck at home today while your car is being worked on, so what the hell else are you going to do?"

Anyway, this is a post about my trip. It may/may not be the last post. I dunno yet. Haven't even developed the film. And I may not get around to another post before I go home to Virginia on Thursday. But I'm tired of editing it and stuff, so I'm just posting it for now, so I can get on with my life. If this post does it for you, great. If you want another post about my trip, stay tuned. I won't be mad if you skip it. Even I'm sick of reading it by now. Being anal-retentive is a double edge sword. :)

New Orleans is fantastic! If you have never been, I highly recommend it. Even if you don't drink in the numerous bars, you will enjoy the history, food and culture of this unique city. The downtown area is totally back up and running, as is the French Quarter. I did see a lot of "For Lease" and "For Sale" signs in windows, but that is pretty true in lots of cities across the country. Most of the heavily damaged part that is being rebuilt is on the other side of town from the touristy areas.

The people and the food cannot be beat. Man oh man, did I have some good food!!!! This is a city that knows how to have a good time.

I took a lot of pictures, but did not use the whole roll of film yet, so I will have to share them with you later. For now, I will give you my general overview of the Crescent City. My next post will be more personal experiences.

Things I learned about New Orleans:

1. There are street musicians and performers everywhere. The large majority of them are fairly talented.

2. Almost everything has a French connotation or name, but every once in a while, you'll see something Spanish. That is because the city was passed back and forth between the two countries prior to the Louisiana Purchase, when it became U.S. territory. But the French culture is most evident, as just about everything has a fleur de lis on it.

3. There's lots of seafood to eat. I can tell the restaurant business there has a ton of competition. But it's pretty hard to go wrong in New Orleans. It's all delicious! While it is most definitely Southern cuisine, it has a lot of unique dishes not normally found in the rest of the South: jambalaya, gumbo, bread pudding (imagine an extremely moist cake, flavored with cinnamon or vanilla, sometimes including raisins), crawfish (aka crawdads aka mud puppies), redfish (a mild, flaky white fish), po'boys and lots of oysters. The signature dessert is bananas foster. I think they probably eat more rice per capita than any city in the country! Everything had rice in it or on the side.

They also love shrimp, anything with pecans, crab and beans. But that is fairly common anywhere in the South. Lots of things had wonderfully flavored sauces on them. If you've ever had something "blackened", then you know what I mean about the kick their food has. More often than not, their dishes are very zesty and flavorful, rather than spicy hot. But you can find spicy hot food, too.

Edit: I have already made bread pudding, a fantastic local dessert, from the cookbook I bought while there. I'll post it in a sec on my cooking blog. I just took it out of the oven and it smells fantastic!

4. I also realized that New Orleans is sort of the Las Vegas of the East Coast. This is most definitely a town for people with vices. Although unlike Vegas, it really caters more to alcoholics and exhibitionists than gamblers and prostitutes. Prostitution was legal in the French Quarter between about the 1870s and our entry into WWI. During that time, it became easier for the city to just legalize it than deal with all the hassle of enforcing the anti-prostitution laws.

But when we entered WWI, the Navy shut it all down because they didn't want the sailors all getting distracted (and getting VD!) before shipping out. Anyway, there's still strip clubs and tons of bars there. You can even walk around with an alcoholic drink in the streets, year-round! A lot of the bars have special side windows where you can buy "to-go" drinks. In short, this is not a city for straight-laced people. It definitely has a wild side!

5. Speaking of the wild side, although Mardi Gras is only once a year, you'd never know it by looking at all the shops. You'd think Mardi Gras was every weekend! Beads, masks, hats, feather boas, shot glasses, crazy outfits....all can be had on every street corner in town. And of course, everything is green, gold and purple. And since I am a culture vulture, I diligently read my travel guide on the flight down, so I taught myself all about the krewes, King Cake and Rex. Did you know that Mardi Gras lasts at least a couple of weeks, and there are several parades each day? Krewes (the people on the parade floats) can spend tens of thousands of dollars on the beads they throw to the crowds. And all of this has been going on since the 1700s!

6. Although voodoo can be found in Savannah, GA, it is most often associated with New Orleans. I didn't have time to go on the voodoo tour or to the voodoo museum, unfortunately. I will have to save it for my next trip down. But there are references to voodoo all over town, especially to Marie Laveau, the Voodoo Queen.

7. Because the water table is so high, you cannot bury people under the ground in New Orleans. So families have used vaults instead. They look like little buildings, but they hold...well, bodies. There are only so many slots per vault, so when one member of the family dies, they are just sort of pushed out of the way to make room for the newly deceased member. There is a 2 year waiting period between making a "new deposit" into the vault -- for obvious reasons. No, I don't know what they do when they want to make a deposit in less than 2 years. And I'm ok with living ignorantly in that way. But these cemeteries are amazing -- they literally look like little neighborhoods, each vault with a small cross on the top. They are almost always white, and often have statues of angels or cherubs decorating them. I wanted to take a tour of these, too, but unfortunately ran out of time.

8. Ok, enough creepy/morbid stuff. Let's talk architecture. Although it's called the "French" Quarter, much of the French architecture was burned in two 18th century fires. So the Spanish (who were in control at the time) decided to rebuild using only brick, rather than the wooden materials used by the French. Tiled roofs, stucco and balconies with ironwork are all noticeable features of this style. The buildings were often painted in pastel colors. Here is an example of one:


Meanwhile, in other parts of town, Americans were settling in the newer, outlying areas, such as the Garden District. The Americans were not socially accepted by the Creoles in the French Quarter, from what I understand, so they built houses like every other American in the antebellum South did: big, white and with columns. Take, for example, these:


I don't know which style I like better. I just know I really enjoyed looking at them. The trees and gardens (obviously) were also quite beautiful in the Garden District. It was neat to just walk around and see block after block of these gorgeous old homes.

9. I wish every town had a streetcar! They are the coolest way of transportation ever! They make this wonderful clickity-clack sound as they go down the track, and the conductor rings the bell when he crosses intersections -- it's very quaint. They are faster than walking, but slow enough that you can get a great view of your surroundings as you travel. There are big windows you can open to provide a nice breeze. And it's only $1.25 each way! Much cheaper than gas.

10. Overall, New Orleans reminds me of Charleston and Savannah, with a splash of NYC, all rolled into one.

Ok, hopefully I am developing the film tomorrow, and I will have another post for you, complete with my own pics and more personal experiences. I was going to do it today, but my car is in the shop and I'm stuck at home.

My car almost killed me on Saturday. I was on the highway, doing about 70 mph, when the engine DIED and I lost steering, brakes and gas. Luckily, I pulled over to the side ok, but I was shaking and on the verge of tears I was so scared. It turns out, I need a new fuel filter. Anyway, I am officially fed up with my POS car, and am getting a new one when I go home for Xmas! WOOT! More news on that soon. This post is long enough already.

No Whining Zone

Well, today's post was going to consist of me whining about

A) my cold that won't go away *cough! hack! sniff*
B) the fact that Toby woke me up at 5:15 this morning to bark at nothing, then jump on my face and stick his tongue up my nose
C) how Hot Neighbor seems about as interested in me as he does the salmon he rejected
D) my hormonally-influenced state of mind which is 98% positive I will never go on a date again and will instead wither up and die alone, with no one other than my mother and dogs to mourn me
E) what on earth I'm going to do when K moves out in 10 days, as this will leave me in somewhat of a financially challenging situation.

However, due to

A) the tragedy at Virginia Tech
B) the war in the Middle East
C) my deep desire to retain my readers
D) the hatred I possess for feelings of self-loathing
E) my recent discovery that one of my ex-boyfriends is dating a girl who makes him wear bow-ties that match the fabric of her dress (I'll let you guess as to who I'm referring to), a concept that makes me snort with laughter

I feel today is just not a good day to whine about my life. So this post will instead consist of warm fuzzy feelings, butterflies, laughing babies, glitter and unicorns. With sprinkles on top and spirit fingers to boot.

Ok, not so much. But this is a Whine-Free-Zone. Time to suck it up, Chuck. It ain't that bad. Everything will work out just fine, yadda yadda. Among my favorite ways to feel better about myself are to

A) watch Courtv -- no matter how bad my life is, at least I didn't get arrested today
B) eat ice cream
C) do something nice for other people
D) exercise
E) bitch
F) do something productive

"E" is just not an option today, as already discussed. My entire upper body is currently reminding me how I have already checked off choice "D" from this list -- thank you, Tuesday Night Meathead Weight Class Instructor Man. "A" and "B" can be taken care of after dinner tonight. Which leaves me with "C" and "F". Oh wait, I'm blogging. That definitely doesn't fall under the "F" category. I am left with "C".

CMK emailed me the other day to inform me that she has nominated me for a Thinking Blogger Award. Aww, so sweet. I am very flattered. And confused. Mostly because there is very little thinking involved in my blog writing. I usually just kind of log on and the crap starts spewing from my brain. Better descriptors for my blog would be

A) anal-retentive (as evidenced by my obnoctious over-usage of lists today)
B) whiny
C) venty (is that a word? perhaps "bitchy" would be better?)
D) silly
E) self-absorbed
F) pathetic

So the deal is, now I have to nominate 5 people for this award. Which is difficult, as I try my best to read about 85 different blogs at last count. (So in case you are wondering, this is why I will comment-bomb you once every 2 months, and then will seemingly disappear on your ass! Ah! Lightbulb! Yeah, so spare me the guilt trip, alright?) In keeping with the theme of this award (and I am a girl who is both a rules-follower AND a lover of all things themed), these are the blogs which make me think about stuff. I will catch myself pondering their writing while driving, showering or walking on the treadmill at the gym. And let me tell ya what -- to get my somewhat ADD-frazzled mind to be thinking about something more than once in a day is quite a feat for any writer! Without further ado:

Oh crap. My stupid guilt just kicked in. Inside my little brain are the following sentences:

But this will hurt people's feelings!
Maybe you should just say thanks to CMK and just conveniently "forget" to nominate!
The main reason you read most blogs is because they are funny, not because they make you think! You are unqualified to make this call! A call that will hurt people's feelings, no less!
Perhaps you can break just this one, tiny rule and nominate everyone?

Shut it, brain! Stop thinking! Just do the assignment and be done with it! No one is going to hate you for this. Ok? Ok. *ahem* In alphabetical order:

1. Awkward Things I Say to Girls -- because Justin gives me a peek into the male mind...and I am starting to think I understand men. Ok, who am I kidding. But I did just use the word "think" when talking about this blog, so yeah. That counts.

2. Anne's blog -- Um, I need Anne to help me with this one, because I can't remember if she is keeping it a secret or not....her anonymity was discovered, so she changed the URL, and I don't know if her blog is secret now or what...anyway, I will not link to it here until I get her permission. My point is, Anne has cancer and she is wicked awesome. She has opened my eyes to what it's like to have major health problems, the delicious flavor combination that is artificial grape flavoring and pickles AND keeps reminding me of how wonderful life can be, even when it seemingly sucks. Now THAT is food for thought. I love you, Anne. I think about you all the time. You just don't know it. But if you looked outside your living room window, you would see me with binoculars, watching you from across the street. Kidding.

3. Gaijin Girl -- she is a newlywed, and she and her hubs are spending their first year of marriage living in Japan, teaching English to Japanese people. So. Cool. And inspiring. This blog makes me think about what it would be like to do that. And kinda makes me want to do it! Only, sans husband, obviously. Maybe I could bring Sammy...? (No, I am not kidding, actually. I have always wanted to do that. And the older I get, the more appealing this idea sounds to me...shhh! Don't tell my little sister, Smurf. She would cry. Don't be surprised if I up and move to Russia one day, peeps. You have been warned.)

4. Jennster -- Is this one a cop-out because it's so popular? Whatever, I don't care. These are MY picks, people! MINE! Ster is (almost) married to a wonderful man, and she has a little boy. She is the coolest -- funny, smart, passionate and silly. Who doesn't like her blog?? Probably crack smokers. That's about all I can come up with. Maybe the Pope. I don't really see him being into it, either. Sorry, Ster. She gives me a glimpse into what it's like to be a mom, which is a pretty outrageous daydream for me, considering the current state of my love life. She pretty much covers all kinds of thinking situations: Mom issues, wedding issues, family issues, friends issues, work issues, being a woman issues, politics......you never know what you're gonna get over there. But you will get lots of things that make you think. Or snort your drink through your nose. It depends.

5. Ok, I really wanted to put Postsecret in this slot, as it is probably THE Thinking Blogger Blog, but I don't think the guy who runs it has time to nominate other people. So due to his EXTREME popularity and busy lifestyle, he has unwittingly eliminated himself from this sort of thing. Too bad, so sad. What a drawback for having what is probably the #1 blog on the internet. Besides Dooce, maybe. And I don't read that blog, so obviously she's out, too. Instead, in this slot I will place....I will place.....crap, this is hard. You see, most of the blogs I read are read because they make me laugh, like Kevin Charnas or Sam's Stories. See, they think up the funny stuff, I just laugh at it. There's not really any thinking involved when you are laughing at fart stories. A lot of the other blogs I read are for my own sanity, ie, they remind me that I am not the only 28 year old woman who is still single (THANK YOU, Charming, MJ, BCOL and all the other single girl bloggers out there!).

Wow, how's that for stalling??

Instead, I will have to put The Bad Girl's Guide here in slot #5. Crap, now it's no longer an alphabetical list. Dangit, I am not fixing that problem. You just have to let some things go. Oh, so Bad Girl's Guide. Yes. Vixen writes fantastic columns (posts? I dunno, they read like columns) about all things relationship-oriented. And she's always spot-on in her advice. Her topics are timely, she's not afraid to bring up taboo topics (which really appeals to the pervert in me) and she just reeks of womanly confidence and power. She shoots from the hip and is very fair in her views. *sigh* Women like her make me proud to be in the same gender.

Alright, peeps. I know that the people I just nominated read my blog every day (RIGHT???? Because it kicks ass!!!) so they need to follow these steps now before I mail them their brain-shaped statuette of genuine gold plastic, which has a retail value of approximately $8.95:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog)

If you were not nominated, please do not go home and cry into your pillow, because

A) this causes me to feel the horrible urge to make fun of you and/or beat you to a bloody pulp for being a wuss
B) if I didn't like your blog, I would not read it in the first place
C) this meme is currently going around at about the same rate as the common cold, and I'm sure someone will soon nominate you. I mean, I was nominated, for Pete's sake. Come on. Obviously not the most stringent list of qualificatons. Be patient, little one.
D) There were only 5 slots. FIVE. I read a LOT of blogs, people.
E) I didn't feel comfortable nominating blogs of people I know/practically know in real life, as I thought it might look bad/biased. Likewise, I didn't nominate the blogs that serve mainly to entertain me with hilarious stories. This isn't a popularity contest, it's a nomination for stuff that makes me think. So stop crying and smile because this means either
1) you are lucky enough to know me in real life, or at least know what I look like
2) you are extremely funny

And now that my obsessive list-making has reached a new level of absurdity, I will say goodbye for today.

* This is my oh-so-subtle attempt at getting my readers to submit optimistic stories about how they didn't meet their spouses until they were 32 and cynical and guarded and overweight and had totally given up all hope of ever finding true love before they were 6 feet under, only to randomly find the love of their life hiding under a rock, inexplicably, and now they are living happily ever after and would like to share their story and remind me that hanging myself over a curtain rod is not the only solution to my problem, but instead I should start looking under some rocks. Or begin to write sentences that are not run-ons. *ahem*

Thursday 13

Huh. The Thursday 13 site where I usually get my header graphics from is pretty much gone. I guess the found of this meme decided to stop keeping the site going. Looks like Thursday 13, as an official weekly event in the blogosphere, is over. *shrugs* Such is the web, no? Knowing me, I'll still do Thursday 13s anyway. I live in a world of rules and boundaries. I am anal. And that's ok with me. Most of the time. Anyway. Ahem.

Thirteen Things That Make Me Happy Today

1. The weather is beeeeeee-utiful. Sunny, light breeze, lower 70s. *sigh* To make it even more sweet, I had the morning off to enjoy it. Sammy and I took a lovely little walk. This was the kind of weather that would make me skip class when I was in college.

2. Remember how I was worried about my tire? Well, I did run over something--a nail. On the recommendation of a coworker (thanks, LB!) I took my car to this tire place she likes. They had me in and out in a half hour. They just plugged up the hole. Cost? A whopping $7.50.

3. KT is making me a birthday cake! It requires cherry pie filling! And chocolate!!!!! Normally, I dislike any fruit/chocolate combination, but I make an exception for cherry pie filling. I'd eat that stuff out of the can with a spoon. I will try to take a pic before I chow down so you can see what it looks like.

4. Since it will be my birthday cake, I am going to eat as much of it as I damn well please. The diet can take a break for one day. Ok, three days. Actually, at this point, I could probably eat the whole cake in one sitting. Look up "sugar addict" in the dictionary...

5. My birthday is in 5 days. Next Tuesday, I'll be.....28. Eeeeeek! Getting old isn't fun, but who doesn't look forward to their own personal holiday? It's Birthfest '07!

6. MJ and KT are also planning some sort of surprise for me on Saturday night. I have no idea what it is. They called to say that I have a birthday surprise and said I can dress up if I want. (Duh. It's my birthday. Dressing up is de rigeur or whatever that dumb French phrase is.) And I have as-yet-unworn shoes to wear. Hmmm...must buy new outfit. I wonder what my surprise is....

7. No one has ever planned any kind of surprise for me on my birthday before. So just that alone is pretty cool. I hope my surprise is two cakes instead of one. Ok, maybe not. My waistline wouldn't recover from that kind of celebration.

8. "Dare" by Gorillaz. I can't stop listening to that song!!! It is so happy and fun to dance to! I jam out in my car to it. With the windows down. Making a complete fool of myself.

9. Ready to turn green with envy? Guess who's coming to town on the night of my birthday!!! Postsecret. And since I was smart and kept my student ID after I graduated, I am going with KT, who is currently a student. It's free, but you have to have an ID to get in. MJ doesn't have one. We need to find her a fake. Or, I could just smuggle her in with one of my gigantic handbags. Hmmm...will have to figure something out.

10. When I go out on Saturday for my birthday, I am going to find a really hot guy and make him kiss me. It's my birthday. I think it's a law, right? I mean, I'll be the Birthday Girl. Smooches are in order.

11. Speaking of guys, The Rat Pack is coming to visit us again! Woo-Hoo!!!! Superfun guys. Can't wait.

12. Boss Lady is gone for a whole week. (She's a nice lady. So it's not that. It's just less stressful. I mean, who doesn't like it when that happens?)

13. I feel better. Which means I will feel well enough to go to Happy Hour tomorrow with E and go shopping and get a pedicure on Saturday!!! Woo-Hoo!!!

Another 100 Things

Ok, since I unintentionally lied to you yesterday, I will post twice today. I wrote this a while ago and never posted it. Here goes.

Look, it's my blog. If you don't want to read it, you can skip this post. I will get over it. Someday. *sniff*

101. I love to make lists and make them all the time.
102. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from organizing things. If there is no set organization system, I will create one. I did this with my crayons as a kid. And I do it with my closet, CDs, pantry and makeup now.
103. Except that I hate picking up my clothes. They are always all over my bedroom floor.
104. Big Brother is the only show I've ever been hooked on. I would like to be on Big Brother, actually. I think I'd be good at it.
105. Sure, I watch a ton of Comedy Central and CourtTV, but I am not picky about what is on those channels--I'll watch whatever is on them.
106. Shoot, I forgot I was also hooked on Average Joe. I have a tendency to root for the underdog.
107. I'd like to see a reality TV show about truckers. That whole lifestyle just fascinates me. How do they pay their bills? Do their laundry? Stay occupied? Not get sick of driving? Boggles my mind.
108. I had braces in 6th grade. And glasses. That was my "ugly duckling" phase.
109. I do my best thinking in the shower.
110. I taught myself how to type. I'm a fast typer.
111. I am the absolute worst liar in the history of mankind. So now I don't even try. But I am a huge exaggerator. Feel free to call me out.
112. I am blind as a bat. We're talking approaching 20/200 people.
113. But I wear contacts because I'm too vain not to.
114. My parents wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I was 13. I have loved big earrings ever since.
115. I will wear huge hoop earrings no matter how old I get or how out-of-style they are.
116. But I wouldn't be caught dead in overalls. Ever.
117. Capri pants and gauchos are so cute, but look awful on my figure. This is because my hips are roughly equivalent to the circumference of the earth. And my legs are on the short n stocky side. I'm more of a skirt girl. Luckily, I don't have kankles.
118. I always joke that I was born in heels, because I'm like Barbie--my feet are just naturally adapted to walking in them. Easy for me. Note: This does not mean I'm not a klutz. I'm a huge klutz.
119. Size 14 is my limit. Once I hit that, I go into panic mode, get super healthy, and go back to a size 10. Then I repeat the cycle all over again.
120. I am a 36C. And grateful every day.
121. Milky Way is my favorite candy bar. I am weird because I don't really care for Snickers. I also love the sour mix from Jelly Belly.
122. I hate cottage cheese. Eww Eww Eww.
123. I prefer my marshmallows and Twizzlers stale. As in, crunchy or tough-as-leather stale. I leave the packages open intentionally to achieve this.
124. This makes them very tough to chew, which relieves stress. This habit got started in college when I had to pull all-nighters.
125. I am now a major morning person. I wake up in a great mood. Usually.
126. I am a cranky bitch when I'm tired. I will cry, just like little kids do when they are tired. I have to take a nap if I want to stay up late.
127. My favorite video game is Tetris. Can play it until my eyeballs fall out.
128. My favorite board games are Taboo and Scattergories. They are really fun when the other people are drunk. I also like Trivial Pursuit. But I suck at Scrabble. Unless dirty words are allowed.
129. I was born on a Tuesday around lunchtime.
130. I was born in Charlottesville, VA. Go Wahoos! (UVA in case you are wondering).
131. I have never flashed or mooned a stranger.
132. But I am a huge pervert.
133. Old people usually get on my nerves.
134. I love kids of all ages. Ironically, I am not all that keen on babysitting. Unless I really like the kids.
135. I take really good care of my things. Always have. My CDs are rarely scratched. My Barbies never had tangled hair. My clothes....well...like I said, they are on my floor. So I do a lot of last-minute ironing.
136. Traveling stresses me out a lot. But I believe that anything worth doing is worth some risk and/or stress. So I keep doing it and love it every time. Despite pitting out my shirts while I travel. (Seriously, you don't want to sit next to me. I sweat buckets when I'm stressed.)
137. I am one of those people who can't get started on anything until I clean or make a list. Or check my email.
138. The zoo is awesome. I could go every day.
139. My favorite animals there are the penguins.
140. One time I stumbled on the Galapagos tortoises getting it on.
141. I am 5'5". This makes me the runt of my family. Height-wise, anyway.
142. I have no tattoos or body piercings. I don't want any.
143. There are six kids in my family now.
144. I have a nephew whom I have never met. He is about 8 and lives in Minnesota. My older brother doesn't have custody, so he can't take him out of the state. This sucks. Because I would be a cool aunt.
145. I really love big trees. So pretty and nice to have around. I think this is because I spent a lot of time exploring the forest of gigantic oak trees in my backyard as a kid.
146. I have mixed feelings about big thunderstorms. If I'm with someone, I think they are cool and I will watch them. But if I'm alone, I get kinda scared.
147. I am absolutely terrified of these. You might say I am even phobic. I call them Ninja Crickets because they will jump on me and attack me. Do not confuse this bug with the black version. Those don't bother me for some reason.
148. Spiders don't bother me all that much either, unless they are huge. And roaches are just awful creatures sent to torture me. But still not as bad as #147.
149. I think I have a pretty high threshold for pain.
150. I broke my foot once. I didn't take any painkillers for it.
151. But since I was on crutches, I took them for my wrists. They swelled up from holding my weight all day long. I have tiny wrists. And a lot of body weight. Bad combo.
152. I have never seen the Pacific Ocean or the Gulf of Mexico.
153. I'm a good speller. Not perfect, but good.
154. Good grammar is also one of my fortes. Czarina would disagree with that.
155. I hate Carrot Top. My own personal hell would be having to sit next to him on a Greyhound bus for a cross-country trip. With Kathy Griffin on the other side. No, I don't have anything against redheads. Just a coincidence. But I want him to die. And she's just annoying.
156. I'm really good at Greek and Roman mythology trivia. However, I know very few Bible stories. Some people are amazed at how little I know about the Bible.
157. If I could be on any gameshow, I'd pick Jeopardy. I love that show. Sometimes I grab a calculator and play along. Sometimes I win. I can't believe I just admitted that.
158. My favorite book is The Good Earth or anything by Jane Austen.
159. When it comes to fiction, I like classics the most. I'm on a mission to read everything covered by Cliff's Notes. It is a life-long guilt trip from never reading anything I was supposed to in English class. Being told what to read really annoyed me. It was how I rebelled.
160. But now I'm old enough to understand and love books like that.
161. I like doing crossword puzzles, even though I'm not very good at them. I'm better at Jumble.
162. When I was a teenager, I always got in trouble for talking in class and disobeying my curfew. I was grounded a lot. I snuck out anyway.
163. I am the tattle tale in my family. I'm not especially proud of this. But that's not enough to stop me.
164. I sleep like a rock. Unless I'm stressed out. Then I get insomnia.
165. Because MTV and VH1 were verboten in the Belle Household growing up (because of their sexual and profane language), I am now obsessed with watching music videos. And I instantly love any song with dirty lyrics. I learn them quickly so I can sing along.
166. My dad's side of the family came over on The Mayflower.
167. Although I like scary ghost stuff and crime stories, I dislike gore and excessive violence on TV or in movies.
168. When I was a kid, I would draw the same thing over and over and over, trying to perfect it. Early evidence of my OCD tendencies. And my natural hesitation to try new things. (Btw, it was a red house on a hill with flowers and a tree. Over and over...)
169. I listen to techno and metal when I work out. I truly believe it helps me burn more calories. I cannot exercise without music.
170. My ideal pizza has pepperoni, mushrooms, bacon and green peppers. The green peppers are only on it so I can say I eat veggies on my pizza. I don't really like them all that much.
171. When I go to Starbuck's, I get a tall Vanilla Latte. They always misspell my name. This irritates me to no end.
172. My favorite ice cream flavors are lemon custard and cookies n cream.
173. I love to buy office supplies. I dream of having this fabulous, well-organized and spacious home office. It would look like the one in the Pottery Barn catalog. If I ever have the money, I will buy it. And sit at it day and night, starting projects. I'm not much of a finsher...
174. It bothers me when my jewelry doesn't match. I have to have sets. Or I'll just wear one piece at a time.
175. I usually get ketchup, mustard and pickles on my burgers. But sometimes I get mayo, A-1 sauce and pickles. And fries must have ketchup. Anything else is criminal.
176. I read tarot cards for my friends. Just for fun, not because I believe in that stuff.
177. I secretly wish that hoop skirts and corsets were still worn. That's because they would conceal my huge butt while emphasizing my waist. I think I have watched Gone With the Wind one too many times.
178. I love hardwood floors, big sinks, huge porches and crown moulding. If I ever buy a house, I hope to have these features.
179. One day I want to take up gardening and tennis.
180. I cannot sew or knit. I don't ever care to learn. This is a major sticking point between me and The Czarina.
181. If no one would find out and I didn't have to go anywhere, I would stay in my pjs all day. I would not shower, brush my hair or teeth and would lay on the couch reading, eating candy, napping and watching tv. I am a closet grungy girl.
182. I have never had the same dream twice. But Ihave lots of dreams about snakes.
183. I dream in color, but I rarely see people's faces. I see their bodies, but there is a black cloud where their face would be. Somehow, I still know who they are.
184. My biggest pet peeve in the whole world is this situation: I introduce myself. The other person says, "Your name is VB? How funny! My dog's name is VB!" It makes me want to say, "You know, this is crazy. Because your name is Mary, and that's what I named my -----! How weird!" Why people want to tell me I have the same name as their pet, I will never understand. It's really annoying and insulting.
185. Because of this, I think it should be illegal to name pets human names. Yes, I realize my dog's name is Sammy. But he was already named when I got him.
186. I'm a really good test-taker. I usually ace them. Especially if it is essay. This is because I'm good at B.S.
187. I want a pig pickin at my wedding reception.
188. I love playing hostess and dream of throwing Martha Stewart-quality parties.
189. I usually keep my word. If I don't, I feel terrible.
190. I hate wearing rings. This doesn't mesh well with my desire to get married one day. I also hate wearing nail polish on my fingers because it chips within three hours of me putting it on.
191. I have extremely oily skin, even on my body. I will break out all over if I'm not careful. The only parts of my body that get dry are my hands and feet.
192. I cannot do the butterfly stroke. And I am paranoid of diving into pools. So I didn't do so hot in swimteam competitions.
193. If Icould meet anyone from history, I'd probably meet Cleopatra.
194. I love Camel Lights. I am constantly trying to quit.
195. Running a marathon would be on my list of things I want to do before I die, but my body rejects this idea every time I try to get started on it. I get major leg, knee and foot pain. People that can run races are awesome. I am jealous.
196. My feelings get hurt very very easily. To the point that people have said, "Really? That hurt your feelings?" Yeah, I'm ridiculous.
197. I smoked pot a few times in college. It made me paranoid and stupid. And I couldn't stop eating. Not my idea of a fun time.
198. I have a really hard time staying angry at people I love. But if I get a grudge, usually it is loyalty-related and I hold the grudge forever.
199. I could eat breakfast at every meal.
200. I have been told I have a fantastic walk.

100 Things About VB

Only because everyone else has these lists. These are in addition to the Six Weird Things About Me.

1. I am left-handed.
2. I can drive stick.
3. I cannot do math. At all. Not even add or subtract. My checkbook is always off by some random amount, like right now I'm off by $4.11.
4. States I've lived in include: VA, NC, SC, IN
5. I've never been west of Kansas.
6. I've been in 2 tornadoes. NOT fun.
7. I can't sing, but I love to try when I'm alone.
8. My ethnic background is 2/3 Irish. The rest is Scottish, English and German.
9. I am a bottle blonde. I secretly want platinum blonde hair like Marilyn Monroe.
10. This ethnic makeup means my skin is Honkey White in color. But I tan well.
11. I've been to Italy, Key West and Chicago. I love to travel.
12. I was an ancient history major. Until the age of 21 I wanted to be an archaeologist. Then I realized this meant I'd have to get dirty. A lot. Not my bag.
13. Now I don't know what I want to be. It changes on a daily basis.
14. My siblings and I have semi-unusual names.
15. I hate tea. Hot, cold, sweet, whatever. It's all nasty.
16. I also hate olives, artichokes, sushi and Indian food.
17. Lots of things make me barf. You can say I'm a "puker". I barf a lot.
18. I suffer from migraines and live in fear of them. Thank the Lord for Excedrin or I would kill myself.
19. I have a tendency to over-dress for occassions. I like looking nice and getting dressed up. It's the little girl in me.
20. I drink a cup of coffee every morning. I love it. I must have it.
21. My first impressions of people are always right. Always. I've never been wrong.
22. I am kind of OCD-ADD. This means I get obsessed with a new project, then I get bored and find a new project. I never finish anything. I just move on to the next obsession.
23. I hate cold weather. And by cold I mean anthing below 75 degrees F.
24. I don't mind cleaning bathrooms or kitchens at all. This is because dirty sinks really bug me.
25. But I hate dusting.
26. I'm somewhat of a germophobe. This doesn't stop me from letting my dog lick my face.
27. I am retarded when it comes to home decorating. Just clueless.
28. I am probably the most opinionated person you will ever meet. I have no problem telling anyone how I feel. I don't always sugar-coat it either.
29. I have a grand total of 4 cousins. They are all boys.
30. My family is spread out all over God's Creation. I am jealous of people who can see their whole, extended family all the time. This is foreign to me.
31. Most of the people in my family are good cooks. The biscuit recipe we use is from my great-great grandmother. She was a pioneer out west. I think this is so cool.
32. I am an "indoor girl". This means that camping is not my idea of a good time.
33. But sitting on a porch or walking in a park is nice.
34. You'll never catch me doing anything that would put me at risk for bodily injury. I am a big wuss. I wouldn't even do a wheelie on my bike when I was a kid. I still wouldn't.
35. But I really don't mind public speaking.
36. Or going on blind dates.
37. I'm a social butterfly. Meeting new people is one of my favorite things to do. I am very very friendly.
38. I have a big mouth. No subject is off limits with me.
39. I have the largest makeup collection of anyone I know. I own at least 150 lipsticks alone. I shudder to think how much money I spend on it. But I can't stop.
40. The rest of my spending money goes towards candy, cookies and ice cream. My sweet tooth scares me sometimes.
41. I once ate two pounds of Jelly Belly jellybeans in one day. I only stopped because I ran out of jellybeans.
42. So I went back to the store to get more from the big scoop-em-yourself bins. They were out because I had just bought the last of them. So I busted open the display and I bought those.
43. I want to have a ton of kids one day. Like...five or six. I should probably get on that considering I'm 27 and single.
44. There are only three desserts I won't eat: key lime pie, anything with liquer in it and tiramisu. Yuck!
45. I'm slowly turning into my mother. This isn't too bad. She's pretty cool. Luckily I didn't inherit her short temper. Or her mediocre sense of humor. But she's much better at math. Dang.
46. I don't like the taste of wine. I don't even drink it at church. This has nothing to do with the fact that I don't drink alcohol at all.
47. I love dogs. I just got one and now I want to have 7 or 8. If I don't get married, I'll be a dog lady. And I'll adopt a bunch of kids.
48. But I dislike cats. I think I'm also mildly allergic to them. Plus, I find them very unfriendly and not at all fun to play with. They scratch me.
49. When I don't do anything productive, I get depressed. Busy VB is Happy VB.
50. I'm very old-fashioned in some ways. Door opening is big with me.
51. I am really really good a foreign languages. I can talk to you in French, Latin, Spanish and German.
52. I love anything Italian. Or Southern.
53. I feel I have nothing in common with hippies. Or most Yankees. Or gay people. I'm working on this. Please don't hate me. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. I'm not very p.c. I guess.
54. James Bond and the volleyball scene from Top Gun are the hottest things I've ever seen. They leave me speechless and drooling. Well, uniforms and tuxes are just hot! What can I say?
55. I have a thing for blondes with lots of muscles. Skinny men are really unattractive to me. I'm more of a football-player-build kinda girl.
56. I am totally against the whole Metrosexual movement. Manly men rock!
57. My hair is stick straight. Always. It laughs at me when I try to curl it.
58. I am on a constant quest to have clearer skin and longer nails.
59. I was in a sorority in college.
60. But I was never a cheerleader.
61. I did track for one year in high school.
62. Other than that, I am totally unathletic. I only work out to keep my figure.
63. There isn't a tomboy bone in my body. I am 100% girly girl.
64. But I do enjoy watching the occassional college football or basketball game.
65. I love my boobs but I hate my hips.
66. People think I am a half-Asian blonde girl, but I'm not. I have almond-shaped eyes because they are from the Scottish side of my family.
67. I have lots of random small-world moments. The stories give people chills.
68. I love horror movies, ghost stories and true crime stories.
69. I believe in ghosts. But I've never seen one. I have had weird stuff happen to me, though. I half-way believe in psychics.
70. When I was little, I was obsessed with fairies and My Little Ponies.
71. I think Mike Myers is hilarious. I also find animals very funny.
72. I also like British humor like Monty Python. I realize not everyone likes this.
73. I grew up on a farm. We grew raspberries and tobacco and had horses and cows.
74. I was raised Catholic. Like, old school Catholic. I had to wear a mantilla to church. Mass was in Latin. Because of this, I'm always having a guilt trip about something. It comes with the territory.
75. Then my family switched to Episcopalian a few years ago. We got fed up with the Catholic Church. Sometimes I miss being Catholic.
76. I am a huge history buff. Anything historical is cool.
77. I love to read when I'm in the mood. Usually I am reading to learn something. Yes, I am a big dork. I'm just not that into fiction, ok?
78. Addiction comes easily to me. This is not good.
79. I can play the violin. I played for many years.
80. I always wanted art lessons instead. I like drawing and love art.
81. I really identify with Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, the women on Sex and the City and Miss Piggy. I just realized that makes me sound like a bimbo. I'm not. Okay, maybe I am a little.
82. I really want a red convertible one day. And a house on the beach.
83. But if I won the lottery, I would buy a yacht and sail around the world, partying with all my friends. Kinda like the Big Pimpin' video.
84. I like all kinds of music except jazz. Especially rap. (It's okay to hate me for this.)
85. I am a nerd because I like school. Learning is really fun for me. I want to be in school again. I would take a class just for fun.
86. I am a know-it-all who needs to be called out.
87. I have a tendency to be close-minded and overly-conservative. But I'm working on it.
88. I always know what I want. Always.Wimpy people who are afraid to make decisions and can't make up their minds irritate the piss out of me.
89. Reading over my shoulder will get you an elbow to the face.
90. I once dated a guy with three testicles.
91. Any version of pink or green are my favorite colors.
92. I hate brown. And that mustard color.
93. I am a good person to borrow money from because I will forget about it five minutes later. But if I borrow money from you, I will also forget to repay you.
94. My baby brother died in a sudden drowning accident two years ago to the day. He was 18. Eight months later I lost my dad. Grief sucks. If another one of my family members dies, I'll kill them. Har har.
95. I never have cash on me. Ever.
96. I use my American Express card for everything. I am keeping them in business.
97. I don't usually like mushy and romantic stuff. After about 5 minutes of cheese, I want to barf. Flowers are an exception.
98. My toes are freakishly long. I think I could peel a banana with them, but I haven't tried.
99. I'm a horrible person to play a board game with: I am both a sore loser and a sore winner. I play for blood!!
100. I have a pair of lucky purple shoes. Every time I wear them, something cool happens.

Numbers

No, I'm not at the bottom of the Savannah River. I can assure you I'm alive. Since I've been gone so long, I will try to sum up stuff using numbers and a list. I'm anal like that. This is more-or-less chronological. And way faster, trust me.

8-- the number of days it's been since I've posted.

2--the number of whole days I've worked this week.

1--the number of days I called in sick....you can draw your own conclusions on that one.

3-- the number of trips I will have taken in a two week period.

6--the number of hours of sleep I've had every night for...um, too long to count.

4.7 billion--the number of things I need to do yet cannot find time to do them. Coincidentally, this is also how much money I need to pay my bills because I am B-R-O-K-E. As in, oh shit, that's really all that's left? kind of broke. The not-funny kind.

1--the number of times I've forgotten to feed Sammy this week. Dinner at 11pm? He'll be alright!

30-- the number of minutes I needed to recover from leaving Sammy at the kennel for 5 days. I cried like a baby, y'all. It was pathetic. I couldn't finish sentences. I needed kleenex. And I missed him more than Repo! Shh! Don't tell him that.

0--the number of CDs I could listen to on the drive to Savannah. This is because there was no CD player in the company car. Yes, it was just as horrible as you can imagine. I almost died.

4-- the number of MASSIVELY HUGE boats I saw right out of my window at the Savannah hotel (Pictures forthcoming). They were so freakin' huge. It was really cool, trust me.

1-- the number of yummy meals I had in Savannah (Something is wrong. Seriously wrong.) Breakfast was the worst--dry muffins and a tiny bit of fruit. (Um, what?) This number doesn't include the yummy ice cream cone I had while walking around Savannah, window shopping.

1--the number of ghost stories I heard while eating at the haunted pirate restaurant. Let me just say that the waitress got a big tip from me for sharing it.

39--number of dollars my meal cost, complete with tip. Ouch. Luckily, I get most of that back as comp money. The pecan pie I had to pay on my own. And I'm ok with that.

1--The number of new job offers Repo got while I was gone. He will start in a hotel on May 15th. YAY!!! No more asshole bosses!!! Better hours and pay!!! YAY!!! No need to wear a bullet-proof vest to work!!! YAY!!

2--number of pirate-themed shirts I wanted to buy for Repo, but didn't. The shirts said: "The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves" and "Give Up the Booty". I love pirates. Arrrr! They shiver me timbers.

6--The number of reasons I want to go back to Savannah ASAP (Find better food, go on historic tour, go on ghost tour, take advantage of Repo's new hotel employee discount, sleep in AMAZING Hyatt hotel bed again, find a souvenier that doesn't suck.)

about 5-- the number of pictures I took. Dangit! I always do that!

1.3 zillion--the number of beautiful live oak trees there. Why aren't these trees everywhere??? They are gorgeous.

3--the number of librarians at the conference who were under the age of 40. This number includes yours truly. Only 2/3 of this population were people you would want to grab a beer with. Yes, I'm part of that group. Shut up. I'm cool.

2--the number of talks that were actually kinda interesting at the conference. Ok, not really. I mean, COME ON, it's a librarian conference! It was Yawn City.

Too many to count--The number of Fashion Police alerts. We went waaaaay beyond socks-with-sandals here, folks. And those tshirts with the gray kittens on them? That's kid stuff. Librarians, as a whole, wear industrial-strength dowdywear. Just...wierd outfits. So wrong. So incredibly wrong. I mean, who wears fluorescent orange mesh ballet flats? Shit, who would BUY fluorescent orange mesh ballet flats? I mean, would you go to whatever freak store sells them and say, "Now there's a great pair of shoes! I can wear them to my professional conference!" Jeez Louise.

1--the number of cross-dressing/trannie librarians at the conference. You can't make this stuff up, folks! It was a HE wearing a wig and a power suit. No makeup, hair removal, long nails, hormone replacement therapy or feminine jewelry. Very strange. I just kept wondering: So...is he trying to look like a girl? or not?

5--the number of stars I would give to the hotel. They rocked my socks. Best EVER service. I'm actually emailing them to thank them. [insert shock and awe here]

1--number of tricked-out redneck trucks with massively huge tires seen on drive home. (Again, pictures are coming). It was so obviously owned by white trash....I can't even get into it.

1-- the number of weddings I've been to lately.

4--the number of totally annoying and ridiculously procrastinating students that have bothered me while I'm trying to type this. *VB clenches teeth in sheer rage* Grrrr....semester....almost....over.

8--the number of people I knew at the wedding. 5 of them were girlfriends of mine. We were invited as moral support for Blonde. She finagled invites for us, even though it wasn't her wedding. It was her brother's wedding. We barely know him. But it was really nice of his bridezilla to invite us.

0--the number of times I had laid eyes on the bride prior to the wedding.

1-- number of nice things I'd heard about the bride prior to laying eyes on her.

3--the number of poster-sized prints of her wedding photos, displayed prominantly throughout the country club, which caused Brunette and I to either cringe or say "What...is she....doing...in this picture?"

200--approx. number of CDs burned by the couple as wedding favors for the guests. Aside from a few cheesy songs, it was actually a good CD. Lots of Motown. Probably the best wedding favor ever. Only a true Bridezilla could accomplish such a feat.

12--the number of bridesmaids. No joke.

2--the number of photos displayed at the reception which included the groom. This is out of about 35 pictures.

5:00--the time the wedding started. For real. It was on.the.dot. (Whose wedding starts on time??? She's bridezilla, I'm telling you.)

$20,000--estimated cost of ultra-posh wedding. Complete with band, buffet, 5-layered cake and open bar. For at least 6 hours. Because at midnight, I went home while they raged on.

2--the number of cigarettes I had at the wedding. (I blame my stupid biological clock. I was depressed! The bride was 24! I mean, seriously!!! I had no choice!)

1--number of people I was hoping wouldn't be at the wedding but were there anyway. It was W, a guy that apparently has a big crush on me. (Girlfriends teased me incessantly about this. I guess he just talks a mile a minute when around me, but is dead silent around everyone else. Whatever.) Nice guy, but I've always thought he was kinda boring. Not the funniest guy I've ever met. He used to live in my hometown, so we kind of bonded over that. We were sharing college stories when he informed me that he was a drug dealer while in college. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. Seriously, if you saw him, you'd think he was Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. Two smokes--tobacco, not marijuana-- later, we had traded all our train-wreck online dating stories and I had given him the entire history of Me n Repo. Shit. I hate it when I do that. Must. Think. Private.

4--the number of people it took to sneak Blonde out of the wedding, Mission-Impossible style, so that her family wouldn't see how drunk she was.

3--the number of times she puked before passing out.

10--the number of incriminating photos Brunette and I took of her drunk ass.

30--the number of minutes it took to get Blonde out of her bridesmaid dress and into her clean pajamas. (Apparently, she will wear pjs once and consider them "dirty". She also gets really picky about this when she's drunk, leading her to sound rather demanding and bossy. Seriously, am I weird that I wear my pjs until they are so dirty that they can stand on their own? That is just too much laundry! And who has that many pjs?)

1--the number of 12-inch long rips she managed to tear in the lining of the dress before getting out of it.

2--the number of times I almost peed while all this was going on.

0--the number of showers I took before hitting the road to go home the next morning at 10:00 am. Bridezilla, true to form, made everyone wake up at 8:00am so we could see them leave for the honeymoon. If we didn't show at 8, we got no breakfast. I was a zombie. Who does this to their guests, anyway? It was like torture. I was grumpy to the extreme. And I smelled like party. Eww.

$20--the amount of money I owe Brunette from the trip. Crap. Have no money. This doesn't excuse me from paying her back. Crap.

$92--the amount of money I paid to the dentist today for my semi-annual check up.

1--the number of cavities I have. F--k!

$150--the cost to fill said cavity. "But it will be tooth-colored!" he said happily. Yeah, that helps, Dr. Dentist. Asswipe. I hate him. Ok, not really. He's pretty cool. I just hate my crappy insurance and genetics that caused me to inherit my mother's bizarrely deep tooth grooves that are just ripe for cavities.

1-- the number of friends coming to visit me tomorrow!

5--the number of years it's been since I've seen her!!!

13--the number of years I've known her!!!!

1--the number of boyfriends she is bringing with her so I can meet his about-to-propose ass!

1--the number of family reunions she has in Charleston this weekend. (I'm hanging out w/her here in Columbia tomorrow, then meeting her down in Isle of Palms for a Saturday-Day-Trip. Then I'll drive back Saturday night so she can attend her family reunion in Charleston. And yes, Sammy's going with me. It will be his first trip to the beach. Note to self: take pictures.)

Um, ok, I think that about wraps it up. Side bit of info: Repo has been super duper sweet to me lately. He either A) has my house bugged and knows how much I've been bitching about him lately, B) has paid off K to be an informant, C) can indeed read my mind telepathically or D) actually just likes being really sweet to me because now he's realized that showing emotion doesn't mean your penis will fall off!

*sigh* VB is happy. But busy. And broke. Sooooooo broke.

I'll email more next week. Sorry y'all. Gotta run. Have great weekends and I promise I'll catch up on reading blogs next week. I have to blog about my crazy neighbor, my 2nd job dilemma, Sammy's quirks and tell the tale of my most embarrassing moment ever. And post photos. Shit! I have too much to do...hang in there. It's going to be crazy.