Carry Me Back to Old Virginia?

Y'all, my job hunt is on the move. I am on Mission: Richmond or Bust. After a lot of thinking and praying and research, I have decided that there isn't really anything my current job can do to keep me here in Savannah and that I am only interested in moving to Richmond, VA. I hate living in this town. I have met some great people, I love my apartment and I do like my job (most of the time), but my personal life here stinks. It's a vicious cycle of this town not having what I want, which puts me in a bad/depressed attitude, which makes me not want to work harder at making the best of this place.

I have recently had discussions with a couple of my best girlfriends here in Savannah and all 3 of us dislike living here. We all agree that there is a curse or some kind of oppressive atmosphere over this town. I thought it was just me, but when I mentioned it to them, they thought they were the only people thinking that, too! We all feel like we have become depressed ever since we have moved here. It's very odd.

This was a long blogging gap! Let's see what you have missed....oh, so my favorite coworker, the one who was running the other half of the library, quit. Her old job wooed her back -- and she would have been insane not to take the job. So I am temporarily running the whole library again, for no extra pay. My temporary boss did just get me a nice raise, though -- 4%. We usually only get 3%, so I appreciate that. We've also had another person quit (I'm telling you, it's like rats fleeing a flood around here), so now we have 4 vacancies to hire for. If I leave, too, that will be 5. And no one will be running the library. I do feel a little guilty about that....with all the craziness and absurdity of my job, I do like it. No job is perfect. But if only this job were somewhere else! There is nothing my current employer can do to make me love Savannah. It's a great place to visit, but not to live.

I counted up the # of people who have quit/been fired from the library since I started here 2 and a half years ago: 16. That is a LOT of turnover, especially when the staff is only about 20 people total. Luckily, many of the ineffective and bad employees are gone (save one, although if all goes well today, he will be getting fired this afternoon, after 6 YEARS of his antics). So if I already don't like living here, and no one else is staying, why should I stay? I have had 4 awesome awesome coworkers over the years here, and all 4 of them have quit. Honestly, I hate working here without them. That more than anything else has affected my morale. And The Czarina reminded me -- I have been trying to find a job in Richmond since I got back from Hong Kong. That was over a year ago. It's time to move on.

In other news, I took down my profile on eHarmony -- I am trying to leave this town, so dating now doesn't really factor into my plan. I may pick it up when/if I get to Richmond, although I don't think I will do eHarmony again -- they don't let you browse! Kind of frustrating. You have to wait for them to send you people.

Do you remember me talking about Miss Perfect who lives upstairs from me? She suddenly stopped talking to me. It happened after I told her I am a Christian. I think that made her uncomfortable. She asked me a bunch of questions about it and I told her that in the past I had claimed to be a Christian but was not really walking the walk. I told her how I am living my life now as opposed to a few years ago (or even a few months ago!) and I think she felt I was judging her or something. Which I'm not! I'm actually kind of envious of her ability to have guys sleep over....and not go to church....*sigh* Anyway, it did hurt my feelings, but at the same time, I didn't really see her becoming my best friend or anything, so I suppose it's for the best. She reminded me a little too much of my old roommate (the one who was bi-polar and would go on spending sprees even though she was broke). I thought we could at least hang out together, but I guess she doesn't agree. Oh well. I am taking it as another sign that it's time for me to move on.

The Ex-Fiance still lives here in Savannah. He still hangs out with all my friends, which is fine. It used to piss me off but I have gotten over it. He and I have just been avoiding each other. But he randomly messaged me on Facebook a few weeks ago and apologized for avoiding me and making things weird. I really appreciated that. So we have chatted a little via Facebook/text message, and I think we're cool now. It's all water under the bridge. He was dating a girl for a little while, and that made me happy for him, even though it didn't work out. He's even watching Sammy for me while I'm in Virginia later this week.

It was a long, boring summer for me, mostly because I was broke as a joke. My tenant (remember, I own a house in Columbia, SC) moved out in early May and I had no tenant....all summer....I just now have someone in there, which is awesome because I was dipping into savings to pay for rent AND mortgage all summer. Ouch! I literally bought nothing but groceries all summer long. No shopping, no vacations.

Now for the exciting part of this post! This post's title is a play on the state song of Virginia....which I am using because later this week, I have a job interview. I am pretty excited about it! It's a very well known art museum, and it would be an amazing place to work. I have been visiting that museum since I was a kid.

If I get it, it will be much less responsibility. I would miss being a supervisor, but I also think that I'm really burned out on my current job, and would welcome a slower pace so I can focus on my personal life more. It has really taken a back seat ever since I got here to Savannah. I am a little concerned, career-wise, about potentially going down the ladder, but if my personal life is more fulfilling, I may not care. And you never know -- moving up can happen anytime.

Another way this job would potentially affect my career is that it would be a 2nd art librarian job in a row. By focusing my career on such a tiny field (there are only about 300-400 art librarians in the U.S.), I am slightly worried that I may be putting myself in a box, essentially type casting myself. But this kind of organization would probably be easy to grow in (I read one of their annual reports and it says they are expecting a lot of people to retire over the next few years). And again, if I like my job, that won't matter!

The daughter of one of my mom's friends works there now and she said everyone there is very smart and super nice -- what more can you ask for in coworkers?? This museum has really become an icon of the city, and its success can only be due to the amazing employees there, so I would love to be a part of that!

The biggest boon would be, of course, moving to Richmond. I absolutely love Richmond and have always wanted to live there. I'd be close to my family and I know Richmond has all the stuff I am looking for in a city (I have been researching! I learned my lesson about moving here -- I did no research and just went with my emotional response to Savannah-- huge mistake.). One of the first red flags I got when I moved to Savannah was that no one here is from Savannah. That means they all get out ASAP. Richmond is not like that at all. You can't shake a stick without hitting a Richmond native -- I take that as a really good sign. I can see this being my -- gasp! -- last move.

I am trying not to count my chickens before they hatch or be overly confident about this, but I have a decent shot at getting this job. If you read the description of the requirements, I have every single one of them...plus extras. I would be taking a small pay cut, but nothing drastic. And again, if my personal life improves, it will be worth it.

The Czarina is, of course, ecstatic. She wants to have all of her "chickens" (that's what she calls all of her children) back in the roost, so to speak. I miss home, too. Now that my brother Fat Dog is married (yay! They ended up eloping to Hawaii and we are all very happy!) and my little sister Smurf is in college, I really want to be around family more. Even though The Czarina drives me nuts, I still love her.

The cherry on this little sundae I am whipping up is that The Czarina owns a condo right down the street from the museum -- a nice condo. That she will rent to me. And then I can walk to work and live in a super awesome neighborhood. WOOT!

So I'll be flying up for my interview on Wednesday. The interview is on Thursday morning. Wish me luck!

Oh, and if anyone has advice/good stories to share about moving down the ladder or taking jobs to enable you to focus on your personal life more, I would love to hear about it! Was it worth it? Do you have any regrets? Have you found it difficult to move back up the ladder later? The Czarina did it once and she (to this day) doesn't regret it. Although that might be because when she did it, she moved to Washington DC and met my dad. Of course it's easy for her to say she didn't regret it!

The 5 Ps

Wow, I haven't posted in a while. Let me see if I can sum up stuff:

Parenting -- The Czarina, a good friend of the family and my favorite aunt came down to visit me a few weeks ago. There was much shopping and laughing and dating advice (directed at me, of course). They all harped on me for being too picky and judgmental and for writing off guys before I even meet them. I countered with the fact that I refuse to settle and vow to keep my standards high. Therefore, no, I am not interested in flirting with guys who I can tell are not smart. I am tired of meeting cute guys who have nothing between their ears. I want someone who can stimulate me intellectually. They were baffled by this and can't believe I am not flirting like crazy with the hot (and yes, ok, they are hot) firemen across the street. But show me the fireman who can talk about politics, philosophy or anthropology! They don't exist! As soon as I make out with one, and my hormones get all stimulated, I will begin justifying all their flaws and end up in a dead end relationship. My mother and aunt disagreed completely and told me I was being judgmental. Am I? Probably. So I promised them I would try and be more open-minded.

Pressure -- We had a big re-org at work about 2 weeks ago. It was pretty crazy. The Gorilla got fired (thank goodness -- he was so toxic!). I know it sounds like I am taking pleasure from another's misfortune, and well, ok, I guess I am a little. Wrong, I know. But mostly, I am just relieved, as I'm sure he is. He was such a bad fit and he was miserable. So, this was really better for everyone. We also had to lay off one girl, which was NOT part of the original plan. We felt really badly about it. Now New Girl (my other half at work -- seriously, I love this girl) and I are working with a skeleton crew. It's going to be bumpy and stressful for a bit, but I think we will get there. There are a few people who now have totally new jobs and have to be trained from scratch -- so it's a little wonky at the moment. Luckily, there was minimal drama and most people are happy or they at least understand why we did what we did. Some people even got promotions, so that is good. Man, I am glad that is over. It was all I thought about for 2 months.

Peppy -- I have 2 new neighbors. One I will call Peppy. She lives across the hall from me and even though my coworkers call me Susie Sunshine, even I can barely handle this girl's too-happy and perky personality. She minors in performing arts, so she sings all the time. While she is a talented singer, it's kind of annoying. I sing when I'm alone, too, but quietly. This girl belts it out. And it's usually show tunes or cheesy romantic songs. Argh. As if this wasn't bad enough, she found a dog on the side of the road, and I'm worried she is going to keep it. This dog barks. And barks and barks and barks. Then it whines and whines and whines. Any time Peppy is not home or asleep, let the barking and whining begin. Kind of annoying. For some unexplainable reason, she thinks I am interested in being friends. Which is fine. But she found me on Facebook and friended me. What the heck?! I can't deny the request -- I will see her soon enough. I hate being pressured into being FB friends. (That goes for you, too, you weird cousin of mine!!!) Sorry, I have a weird cousin. I try to deny the friendship requests, but they keep coming. Luckily, he lives in South America, so it's a lot easier to deny him....sorry, now I am off-topic.

Miss Perfect -- I have another new neighbor who lives upstairs. I will call her Miss Perfect. Obviously, she is not perfect, but I certainly can't see any flaws: she looks like a supermodel (she doesn't even need to wear makeup, y'all, it's kind of sick), she's really in shape (triathalons are her main hobby -- what?!), her apartment is gorgeous (makes mine look like a dorm room) and she's smart (she has a PhD in Psychology). She has no debt, other than her car. Yeah. Oh, and did I mention that she is incredibly nice, friendly and has a fun personality? And that she thinks I am cool? Yeah. This girl is unreal. To make her even more awesome, she is my age AND single. Yeah. Believe it or not, this chick is single. Don't get me wrong, she has already met someone after living here for only 3 weeks. But she's not that into him. Something she can totally afford to do.

In short, she's the girl I hate to love. I hate her. But I can't, 'cause she's really nice and cool. So I have to admit that I like her. Even though I feel like I have just been slimed by the Envy Monster. *sigh* And my feelings of inadequacy are causing me to wonder why she wants to hang out with me. Because she's new in town and doesn't know anyone? Probably. I predict I will be friend-dumped as soon as she finds someone more worthy to hang out with. Wow, I am cynical today, aren't I?

My first inclination that she and I come from two different worlds was when I confessed to her that I have put on a lot of weight in the last few years, but that I was trying to make some changes and get back in shape (I first met her as I was coming back inside from a run). "Oh, I know what you mean. I am in love with junk food, too. Last week, I ate an ENTIRE watermelon. And that's basically just sugar." I was totally speechless. How many calories are in an entire watermelon? Like, 100? I decided to stay mum about my ability to eat two candy bars in one sitting, as I proved to myself a week ago. Wow. Talk about feeling like a loser. Who is this girl???

I'm trying to use her as inspiration. You see, she is super optimistic about her love life -- something that is very refreshing to my pessimistic, cynical view of the opposite sex. She is not giving up, but trying harder. She's one of those super goal-oriented people. And I have to admit, it's kind of awesome. "Ok, your goal is to get a date for this coming weekend," she said to me yesterday over coffee. "Um, yeah! Ok!" I replied, while thinking, "Yeah, right, lady. I'm overweight and my self-esteem isn't the greatest. I have essentially resigned myself to living alone for ever and wouldn't be able to attract Weird Al Yankovic right now." But somehow, she talked me into signing up for eHarmony. And I'm super broke right now (long story). But I did it anyway. This girl is not taking no for an answer. She wore me down. She's right. I can't give up. I have to keep trying.

Positive Attitude -- So, if nothing else, Miss Perfect is giving me a swift kick in my ass. Which is probably exactly what I need. Here's to hoping that some of her perfection and optimism rubs off on me. Let the games begin!

Wedding Plan Update

The Czarina left a message on my phone yesterday. "Are you dead?" she asked. "I haven't talked to you in weeks."

No, I'm not dead, but by the sound of that message, I bet I will wish I was when I call you back! I thought. This kind of voice mail means only one thing with my mom: she wants to talk about something. A lot. Please don't let it be my weight and lack of diet and exercise, I thought.

I called her back on my lunch break and told her that yes, I am still alive, how we are moving on August first, how I am not coming up for her annual party this year, and how I still love my new job. Other than that, I'm just busy with mundane things. I did not tell her that most of those mundane things include eating and watching tv, which is why I still haven't lost any weight. Which is the real reason why I am not coming up to see her this weekend. I told her I don't have much vacation time saved up (which is true), but I could have come up if I wanted to.

"That's ok, honey, you need to save your time up to make a trip up here maybe in August so we can go dress shopping, anyway," she said.

"Yeah, I am already dieting in preparation," I replied. LIE LIE LIE

Then she launched into wedding plan mode. We discussed changing the date -- again. Now it is looking like mid-July of next summer, rather than my dad's birthday like I wanted. My aunt won't be able to attend if I get married on my dad's birthday, because she has to work that weekend, and I want her to go. So I guess that is out, because she HAS to attend or I will cry. I told The Czarina how important it is to me that I get a photographer who will take lots of action shots, instead of just lame-o glamour-shot poses. I want an artistic photographer, ya know?

We discussed the bridal party. "Actually, Mom," I explained, "I was thinking of not having a bridal party."

*huge pause from The Czarina*

"But you have two sisters," she said flatly. Her brain was saying in a robotic voice: Does not compute. Does not compute.

"Yeah, but....I was thinking....and CN doesn't....." I tried to explain. I could hear her irritation over the phone.

"Ok," I surrendered.

Somehow, now I have 4 bridesmaids. When I didn't want any. It's no offense to my sisters, I swear! Well, ok it is a little bit. My older sister might think I would be rubbing it in her face that I'm getting married and she's not. (Yes, she's like that.) So I just don't really want to even go there with her. No bridal party = No pissed off older sister. And although I love my MJ to death, I know she doesn't like being a bridesmaid any more than I do. She's totally not the type of person who would be upset about not being one! She would be relieved!

Add to that the CN is such a loner, and he doesn't have any brothers. So who the hell is he going to have as his groomsmen? My brothers? So the entire wedding party consists of my people, and none of his? That is so lame. I don't want to do that to him.

Actually, one of my big worries is that the wedding will be all about me and my mom, and not about CN or his family. Most of his family lives in Alabama, and asking them to go to a wedding in Virginia is a lot. CN doesn't have a lot of friends, and they are all in South Carolina....so I am picturing a church that is totally lopsided -- everyone on my side of the church. Ugh. That is so not how I want it to be.

The Czarina told me one of her friends recommended a wedding planner to her. I told her I purchased a wedding planning book, but it is now lost somewhere in my overstuffed apartment and that I was going to start officially planning when we move and unpack. This was no excuse for her. Shocker.

She wants me to get cracking on things.

"Look, I want a guest list. We need to know how big this thing is going to be, because we may not be able to fit into the train station if we get more than 150 people coming to this thing," she told me. (The old train station in my hometown has been converted into a perfect place for wedding receptions, but it's not a huge building.)

"Mom, I can't make a guest list until I know what my budget is," I replied. Holy cow! 150 people?? I was thinking like....75! I thought. Oh dear...

She told me what she was planning on chipping in. I was relieved to hear it was not a lot. I do NOT NOT NOT want a big wedding. I have enough debt and I don't want a dog and pony show where half the people attending don't even know me. No, I have not figured out how to get tons of presents despite holding a small wedding. I need to strategize for maximum gift receiving, despite a tiny guest pool. Hmmm...

We are going to save a ton of money on food, because we are going to serve BBQ. (For those of you who are not Southern, no this does not mean hot dogs and burgers from a grill. I am talking about a good Southern buffet -- pulled pork, baked beans, tater salad, biscuits, fried chicken, shrimp and grits, etc.) This is what Mom, CN and I all wanted, so that was an easy thing to decide! Mom wants to reserve most of the money for the band and the alcohol, which is exactly what I wanted to do. I want all my guests drunk and dancing, much like a frat party. Again, another easy decision. So we are on the same page for much of it.

"And when is this jerk planning on proposing to you, anyway?" she half-joked. "I am sitting here, looking at this ring and it's gorgeous."

"Mom, you are not supposed to be telling me anything about the ring or its whereabouts. You will ruin the surprise. Besides, CN said that he is waiting until we move before he does that. We have a lot of things on hold right now until we move," I explained.

Things on hold include: wedding proposals, wedding planning, buying things bigger than a loaf of bread, exercising, organizing, cleaning, major cooking and doing anything other than watching tv at home. Because we live in a sardine can. Everything has something on top of it, so there are no places to spread your legs, your papers, your projects, your cooking implements, your books or your board games.

I was kind of mad at her for saying this, actually, because I was secretly hoping that he had somehow already gotten the ring from her. (She was in Charleston, SC a few weeks ago, just by coincidence.) Then again, maybe that is a red herring....hmmm...I wouldn't put it past her.

Anyway, I guess I need to get going on this wedding planning stuff. But I have mixed emotions:

33% of me is thinking, "COOL! This is actually happening!"

33% of me is thinking, "OMG. Nononono. Elope now, while you still can. You will kill your mother if you don't."

34% of me wants to boycott this whole thing until I get that damn ring on my finger. I am tired of explaning to people how I am only partially-engaged. I'm trying so hard to be patient, but let's face it. That's really not my forte.

Catch You on the Flip Side

Hey, guys! Well, I have been packing my brains out all week. I tell ya, I remember the good ol' days when I was in college, and I didn't have any furniture, and all my stuff fit into 10 large boxes. I didn't even need help to move.

Now, it's an entirely different ball game! I am leaving to go pick up my U-Haul here in a few, but just wanted to post really quickly.

I have read all of your comments (they are all emailed to me), but I really don't have time to reply to all of them, other than to say thank you to all of you for your support. It's a little scary to have this much going on at once, and I'm worried I will f**k something up, but in a month or so, I think I'll be ok.

We still haven't heard when CN will get his job transferred down to Savannah so he can move in with me. Hopefully, it will be soon. We have been across the street from each other for a year and a half, so this will be a big adjustment for us.

If you remember correctly, I told him that we have to either be engaged or have a wedding date picked out before he can move in with me. Since the ring is still in Belgium, with my aunt, which makes proposing rather difficult, we went ahead and set a date: June 26, 2010. Which also happens to be my dad's birthday. I have always wanted to get married on his birthday, since he won't be there to walk me down the aisle.

So that is pretty exciting!!! It gives us time to save up and plan everything. Er, it gives my mom time to plan everything (she's already going into overdrive-control-freak mode). Once I get settled down in Savannah, I will start checking out wedding magazines, I guess. I dunno. Most of y'all are married. What do you recommend as far as how best to get started on planning? Any advice???

I don't know when I will be able to blog again. I have to see what my new job is like. Right now, at this job, I have tons of down time, so it's ok. But who knows what my new job will be like? I will try to get to the public library sometime so I can update y'all on stuff. But that might be a while. It would be great if CN could move in quickly -- he has a brand new, super-fast computer and I could blog from his all the time.

Anyway, we will see. Ok, guys. I gotta go. Wish me luck, and I'll get back to you (and catch up on your blogs!!) as soon as possible!

Ring Update

Oh dear. Where to begin? So much has happened in the last 4 days....

So Friday night after work, CN and I looked at some rings in a couple of jewelry stores. I tried on some Tacori look-alikes, and I was very sad to realize that they didn't look right on me! They were too bulky. Designs that intricate mandate a bigger ring, and I have fairly small and delicate hands. So they were beautiful, but just very awkward-looking on me.

Instead, I fell in love with a much simpler white gold design: a 3/4 carat center stone (round, white diamond, prong-set), with .10 carat prong-set round yellow diamonds on either side. On the other side of the yellow diamonds were teeny-tiny prong-set white diamonds, stopping about halfway down the ring. (My suspicions were correct -- the eternity bands, where the diamonds make a full circle around your finger, are uncomfortable!) All in all, the ring would be around $5k, which is reasonable, I think.

I could not find an exact replica on the jewelry store's website, but this is pretty close. Just pretend the little ones on either side of the center stone are yellow:


While I wanted to keep looking, because-- hello!-- ring shopping is super fun, this one ended up being my favorite one out of three stores. It looked the most proportionate to my hand, it was comfortable, it wasn't outrageously expensive, and it felt like "me".

CN and the jewelry store guy did some number crunching, and if CN financed the whole thing, the monthly payments would be around $250.

"That's the same amount I pay on my Jeep every month," he said, thinking out loud.

"Hmm. Go figure," I replied, deadpan.

"I need to get rid of it anyway. I never drive it, and I use my company car anyway. And parking is so bad in downtown Savannah. We really don't need three cars..." he continued.

I just nodded in agreement.

He did seem a little freaked out about the whole process, but he said it was because he always gets nervous whenever he spends a large amount of money at one time. He assured me it wasn't because he didn't want to marry me or wasn't ready yet. I wanted to make sure. So when we got home, I talked to him a little bit more. I just wanted to be sure he was really ready to take this next step and start moving forward. I told him that if he wasn't ready, this was the time to tell me. I also said that if he didn't feel comfortable buying an expensive ring right now, he can get me a cheaper one -- the cost of the ring wasn't as important to me as being engaged was. I explained that I didn't want him resenting me later if he felt uncomfortable with buying something like that. "No, no, I want to get you something you like! Something nice! It's just that with both of us moving and our mortgages...money is just kind of crazy right now, and I am just not seeing how this is all going to work."

I agreed. So I told him that it's no big deal -- he can just get his own place when he moves to Savannah and we can figure it out later. I told him we can put it off and just live together later. He can take his time and save up his money. No biggie. Which works fine, anyway, since we don't know when he'll be joining me in Savannah. Could be months from now.

Well, he surprised the heck out of me. He put his Jeep, his drum set and his guitar on craigslist yesterday! Woo hoo! He must not be as freaked out about all of this as I thought! Yay!!!

Of course, I had to email the above pic to The Czarina to show her what I liked and tell her everything. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she called me soon after and said, "So, can I tell everyone that you are engaged????!!"

"Uh, well, no. I don't have a ring and he hasn't asked me yet, Mom, so no." I answered.

"And he hasn't called me to ask my permission yet, either," she noted with a tone of sarcasm.

"I know, Mom. I told him he has to call you before he can ask me," I said.

"I am just so baffled as to what is going on, though. I mean, you're doing it all backwards. He's supposed to ask first, then you go pick out the ring. I'm very confused," she went on.

"Well, Mom, he really didn't know exactly what all was involved with getting engaged. He thought he just needed to get me a $200 wedding band and we just go get married," I said.

"He's right. Why not? The ring's not the important part. He can get you a gemstone one that's cheaper. I mean, what are you waiting for, anyway?" she said.

"I know, Mom. I agree. I told him all of that. But he's a guy, and he wants to save up his money, so I had to show him how much these things cost, and what kind of ring I like, because he had no idea," I replied.

As you can probably tell, she's ready for me to get married yesterday. The woman is chomping at the bit to be a grandma. All her friends' kids are married with babies, and I know she feels left out. She has really surprised me. I knew she would get like this, but I didn't realize it would be so soon. He hasn't even proposed! Sheesh! Calm down!

So one trip to a jewelry store has turned my mom into a monster. She's already more obsessed than I am. I keep getting emails and voicemails with ideas for how we can consider ourselves engaged without him having to buy a nice engagement ring: "Tell him to just get you a gemstone one!" "Go check out estate sales!" "All these jewelry stores are having sales right now!" "Just get a little one for now. You can upgrade later!" "Just set the date and get the ring later!"

Jeez, Louise!

Just for the heck of it, I did look at a calendar and realized that the last Saturday in June 2010 is my dad's birthday -- the 26th. Since he won't be there to walk me down the aisle, I have always wanted to get married on his birthday. So this date actually works perfectly. I told CN about that and he said, "Sounds good to me." :)

When I got to work this morning, I saw an email from The Czarina in my inbox. "Oh boy. Here we go," I thought. I clicked on it. Well, it pretty much made my day. Apparently, she was too excited to keep it all bottled up, and she must have called her sister last night, because the email essentially told me this:

"I talked to Aunt M. last night. Told her about you and CN going ring shopping. She told me to tell you two to stop shopping right away -- she has your grandmother's ring, and was going to give it to you anyway, since you're named after her. She said she might as well give it to you now. So you can have that ring. It's a platinum solitaire. Love, Mom"

My Aunt M never had any children, so it does make sense that she would eventually give me the ring. But I had forgotten all about it! I have always hoped for a family ring, but never thought it was possible. This ring in particular is especially sentimental for me, because I am named after this particular grandmother, but I never met her. So this was really great news!!! I am so excited to have a family ring. I've seen it before, but aside from remembering that I like it, I can't remember what it looks like. I think it's a pretty simple setting, with a generous diamond. I will keep it exactly how it is, though. I get to have a really neat connection to a grandma I never got to meet. That is the best kind of ring, I think. And I know CN is relieved to hear that he won't have to stress out about finding a way to buy one. :)

YAY!!! This is so great. I must have cashed in all my karma chips or something, because lately I have been feeling like I have won the lottery. How could life get any better?

Happy New Year!!

Ok, so I am blogging from CN's computer while he's busy watching the Falcons game. They are in the playoffs, and I can hear a lot of cursing coming from his living room. :)

When the commercials come on, he gets up to pee and give me a kiss. It's pretty cute. He just walked in here to ask me if I like his wiener or not. What a dork.

Anyway, just wanted to write a short blog post to update y'all on stuff. Since I get almost 3 weeks off from work during the holidays, it's hard for me to get to a computer. CN's letting me use his. Although I doubt he knows I'm blogging right now....

Thank you, everyone who commented on my last post. It was a very painful post to write, so I appreciate the sympathy and empathy. And I don't always feel like that about my mom, it's just that she and I go through phases. We are currently in one of those phases where I seriously cannot stand her. She's not a horrible person, we just bash heads sometimes. She does it all (mostly, I think, anyway) from love and out of worry for me. It's just the methods she chooses that irk me. I really have to start letting it roll off my back, because she's never going to change. So I have to just change the way I react to her. And THB, I didn't take down your 2nd comment, even though it was a repeat, because I read it twice. It was that good! So I think it deserves to be said twice!! But seriously, my readers are the best. All of your comments made me feel so much better. It was definitely an "I love blogging, because blog readers are the best!!!" moment. :)

Going home to visit The Czarina went very well this year. WHEW. I credit Fat Dog's new girlfriend with my mother's MUCH improved behavior. I think that is the key to surviving visits with her -- bring an outsider. It keeps her on good behavior. As an added bonus, I really like Fat Dog's girlfriend. She is teeny tiny and very nice. She's totally his type -- petite, athletic, brunette who doesn't wear a lot of makeup. They are really cute together.

I got KICK ASS presents this year!!! Best Buy (hell-O ipod!!!) gift card from CN and a Lowe's gift card from Fat Dog, plus a beautiful --

DAMMIT, CN!!! STOP CHASING SAMMY AND MAKING ALL THAT NOISE!!!!!

ok, sorry about that. I swear, I am dating a 12 year old.....

Where was I? Oh, yes, CN got my that gorgeous wallet I wanted. I also got some jewelry, DVDs, potpourri, a frog tape dispenser, JP gave me a French press for coffee (although I have no idea how to use it!) and MJ gave me some Christmas decorations (because I never buy any and she thinks this is horrible) and an herb garden. Sammy got a big container of gourmet dog cookies.

And The Czarina gave me a big, phat check made out to Capital One -- that was her present to me. Along with the jewelry and the tape dispenser. It's a pretty sweet present, because she knows how much I want to pay off my Visa. I gotta give the Mom some props on that one.

And for the last week, I have been cooking, cleaning, organizing and decorating. I love working on a college student's schedule. One of the best things about my job. My house is super clean and neatly organized, and I have finished a LOT of projects I've been putting off. Soon, I will start painting E's old bedroom and the bathroom and hang up some curtains. Unfortunately, that's just about all the decorating I will be able to do for a while, since I need to focus on the credit card debt.

I'm trying to decide if I want to get a part time job or not. I really should, for the extra money and debt-paying purposes, especially since I won't have a roommate anymore. But I am ULTRA motivated to lose some weight, a part time job would really impact my gym time. I have worked out 6 days in a row, and yesterday I ran for 33 minutes straight -- a feat I have not achieved since I was in college!! GO ME!!!

I'm not doing too badly at the dieting thing, either. Not perfect, but at least conscious and aware of what goes in my mouth. I am trying not to bring junk into the house, which helps a LOT.

Although my whole body is a little sore, I am in a great mood, sleeping like a rock and have noticed how much energy I have. I think my tummy's a little flatter, but it may just be my imagination. It feels great to be getting back in shape. I hope I can keep this up. So far, so good on my New Year's Resolution.

Everyone is doing great -- CN's dad is still hanging in there, MJ and JP are doing well. Except that one of MJ's dogs died. :( And CN is wonderful, as usual.

When I'm done with my decorating, I will take some pics of my house and share with you. I have done a lot since the last time I shared pics.

Sorry this post is kind of random! I'm in a hurry and have some stuff I want to do before CN and I head out to go bowling. I'll try and catch up on everyone's blogs as soon as I can.

Happy New Year!!!

Why I Only Visit Twice a Year

Many of you are looking forward to going home to see your family during the holidays. But some of us dread the holidays. Every trip there reminds us why we moved so far away to begin with. And why we only visit twice a year. I am one of those people.

A lot of my friends, who have never met my mom, have a difficult time understanding why I say I sometimes don't like her very much. If you were to meet my mom, you would think she was a very friendly, thoughtful, fun and supportive mother. The first time CN observed me talking to her on the phone, he thought she was really nice. (He could hear what she was saying, because he was sitting next to me.) "I don't know what you're talking about! Your mom is really supportive!" he said. Gradually, as I have started to tell him the stories and the crazy things she's said to me, he's starting to see where I'm coming from.

When he came up with me last summer, she was also putting on her "nice" face. She's always nice when there's someone outside of our family nearby. That's why I like bringing friends home with me and going shopping with her -- she isn't mean to me in those situations. But when outsiders aren't around, she has a tendency to hurt my feelings. A lot.

The first thing she says to me when I get to her house is, "Well, you look like you haven't lost any weight." Not "I missed you!" or "It's good to see you!" Or even "How was your drive?" Nope. It's a perfect opportunity to make a comment about how I am too fat for her liking. This is how she likes to start off the visit. Gee, it's great to see you, too, Mom. So glad I just drove 6 hours to hear you say that, I think to myself. So I step out of the car, and am instantly on the defensive. God forbid she just be nice. As much as this bothers me, I do have a large amount of respect for my mom, and I was raised not to sass, so I have to just take it. What I'd really like to do is retort, "Gosh, and you're looking so old!!"

When I get inside, I will inevitably remember that she doesn't keep any food in the house anymore, because unlike me, her world "doesn't revolve around food." She doesn't really cook anymore, which I understand, because it's just her and my little sister. So I usually have to get back in my car and drive a half hour to the store to get something to eat. Despite the fact that she knows I don't like eggs for breakfast and I can't stand salad, this is all she ever has to eat at the house. Coincidence?

When I get back from the store, if I'm lucky, she won't see me putting the food away. If she does see me, I get to listen to her criticize my decisions. Later, if she sees me eating something she doesn't approve of, she will take it away from me. Yup, you read that correctly. Snatch it right out of my hands. I am 3 when I am at her house. This is the sort of thing that happens incessantly when I'm home. I could be anorexic, snorting coke, fired from my job and crying myself to sleep every night, but as long as I am thin, that's all she cares about. She never cares if I'm happy. Just that I'm thin.

Anyway, after that, I will clean the kitchen, change the sheets on the bed and clean the bathroom. Then, I will put up the Christmas tree, decorate it and then cook dinner.

Now, I'm not trying to sound like an ungrateful daughter, because I do think I should help out while I'm there, and I don't mind doing the Christmas tree stuff or the cooking. By no means do I expect a red carpet to be rolled out for me when I get there, but dammit, can I feel a tiny bit less like a maid and a little more like a houseguest??? (In her defense, cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom are more my idea than hers, but that's because they are always filthy and I can't use them until they are cleaned up, because it bugs me when they are dirty.) I mean, if she could just put some damn towels out for me, it would be nice. Or even actually be there when I arrive. (Sometimes she's not even home when I get there, which makes me feel like crap.)

Great holiday vacation so far, huh?

At some point during the visit, I will get a big, fat lecture. If it had an official title, it would be: "Let me tell you how you are f***ing up your life". It could be a lecture about how fat I am, how I am not good with money, how I am messing up my love life by not remaining a virgin, how badly I need to get a new job or all of the above. I know I'm not unique in receiving these lectures. Lots of moms give these lectures. I just wish she'd realize that I'm almost 30, so I have heard them each a billion times. At this point, I'm pretty numb to them. I just wish she'd leave me alone and let me get back to whatever it was I was doing when she decided it was Lecture Time.

She wants to give me a new one, I can tell. She wants to tell me she doesn't like CN and thinks I can do better. I know she thinks this. The other day, she said to me, "Well, just know that if you two get serious.....you have my blessing. I think he's a very nice boy." (This translates to: He is not good enough for you. I wish you would dump him, because I think you are dating beneath yourself.) But she knows that saying that would piss me off, so she hasn't said anything. Yet. Getting serious with CN really bothers her for 2 reasons: She had no role in picking him out for me. (She would like nothing better than to set me up with some Tucker Carlson-type guy. She is a total control freak and always thinks that she knows better than I do about what makes me happy.) And also, it disproves one of her theories: No one will want to marry me if I don't lose some weight. So I know it bugs her. I know she wants to say it.

At another point in the visit, she will "forget" that Sammy likes to wander away when left to his own devices in the outdoors. This makes me panic, because I can't find him. When I realize that she is the one who "accidentally" let him out, it makes me furious. If I say anything to her, she will say, "Dogs belong outside, anyway."

This year will probably be a little different. I'm pretty sure we will have a HUGE, screaming fight. Which sucks, because it's Christmas. But right now, I am pretty hurt by one of her most recent emails. It's been about a week since she sent it to me, but I can't shake it. Which means I will still be upset about it when I go home next week. I am not very good at pretending like nothing is bothering me, which means I will say something about it. Because I have a big mouth. And I already resent her for all the other reasons I've just mentioned.

Ok, remember how I am painting my bathroom? I'm looking for the right shade of dark, purply-blue. With hot pink accents, white trim and lots of silvery, mirrored accessories. I was describing my decorating plans in an email to my mom a few days ago. Home decorating is a pretty safe, neutral topic for us to discuss. Or so I thought.

Her reply? (And I quote!) "It will look like a 1920s whore's bathroom! Love it! -- Mom"

Now, wtf is that supposed to mean? Aside from all of my mother/daughter issues, it doesn't even make any sense. Do prostitutes have a particular interior decorating preference? And if they do, how does she know what it is? Not only that, but when was the last time you ever heard someone describe a room as "whoreish"? That's not even a decorating style! It has no meaning! Unless I said I was going to use a pimp cup for a soap dish, I fail to see what reminds her of a whore house!

If you include my mother/daughter issues, there's a WHOLE other side to this email. Let me explain. According to my mother, if you have sex before marriage, you are a whore. Plain and simple. I know this is what she thinks, because when her friends' daughters have shotgun weddings or babies out of wedlock, she calls them whores. Not to their face, of course. She is not stupid as to why I am on birth control. So it's safe to assume she thinks I am also a whore. And yes, she uses that word. She is not one to sugar coat things. (I personally think she's probably being hypocritical about the whole thing, because she spent her 20s in an alcoholic stupor, passing out every weekend, so who KNOWS what she did when she was my age.)

Of course, she is not so rude as to come out and call me a whore. That would be mean and hurtful and judgemental. She will deny that she is like that until the day she dies. No, no. She phrases things in a confusing way so that she can get away with sort-of calling me a whore. Then she tacks on the "Love it!" to make it sound like she likes it, so she can confuse me. That way, I can't accuse her of actually meaning it. "But I like it! That's what I said!" she would say, if I brought it up. If I kept pressing the issue, refusing to believe that she didn't mean any harm, she will blow me off and refuse to talk about it anymore, claiming I am being too defensive or sensitive.

Which may be true. But really, when someone treats you the way that she does, can you blame me??? I think I have made a pretty good case against her behavior and how it makes me feel.

I cannot think of any other explanation for her choice of words. I mean, why would you EVER say that? Over email, no less, which she must realize has a higher chance of misinterpretation.

It used to be different, when my dad was still alive. He would call her out on stuff and tell her to knock it off. He understood where I was coming from. But now that dad's gone, there's no one to stick up for me. It's getting worse every year. My brother, Fat Dog, tries to stick up for me, but he doesn't understand why I can't just let it roll off my back. She treats my little sister the same way. Smurf must REALLY get it because it's just her and Mom most of the time. And she's only 16. She's not old enough to really see how Mom is or understand that Mom's not always right and you don't have to blindly do what she says or accept her behavior. At least at my age, I can see what she's doing. And I can move away and avoid her. Smurf doesn't have that ability.

Although I know what's going on and I am getting better about just ignoring her behavior, I don't know what exactly I can do to improve my relationship with my mom. I don't talk about it a whole lot, but it's been getting really bad lately. I know you are all like, "Talk to her!" "Write her an email explaining everything!" but it doesn't work like that. When you are dealing with a controlling and snarky person who NEVER admits that they have any bad intentions, it's impossible to get through to them. Accusing her of being cruel to me or hurting my feelings will only cause her to tell me to stop whining and being so sensitive. She will deny everything and tell me I'm misunderstanding her. And if I get her really riled up, she will get all drama-queen on me and say things like, "Well, if you really feel that way, I guess we just should never speak again!" and leave the room, which leaves me with a huge guilt trip. I mean, how the hell do you deal with someone like that???? That's not what I want! I love my mom. I just wish she would be nicer to me. For some reason, that is a lot to ask from her. I don't know what to do, so I usually just take it and never say anything. But it's building a LOT of anger and resentment inside me. And as a financially independent adult who lives 2 states away, I have the option of cutting her out of my life. Lately, I'm really liking this idea, because all she does is make me feel bad about myself. She only brings stress to my life.

I have gradually scaled back the number of visits I make to see her. I used to come up about 4 times a year. Now it's 2. I'm thinking about cutting it back to one. Or none. As sad as it is to say, I am considering not having a relationship with my mom at all. At this point, I only go home at Christmas to see my siblings. If I had my wish, she would not even be there.

I am not perfect. I make bad decisions sometimes. I know I'm sensitive. I know I need to lose weight. I know I am defensive. And she may not have meant anything in that email. But I can't ignore how she continuously makes me feel like a loser and hurts my feelings. You can't help how you feel. It just frustrates me, because she sort of robs me from expressing them. She's so caught up in proving that she's right all the time, and trying to control all my decisions, she doesn't even see how it's affecting our relationship. If I told her all of this, she would die of shock!

Thanks for letting me vent. Apparently, I didn't get it all out last night when I poured my heart out to CN and cried all my makeup off! It's really hard for me to talk about this, because it's really painful and personal. As much of an open book as I am, it is really hard for me to talk about this, even though I don't know most of you. I'm feeling a little vulnerable right now. But I'm like a volcano. I have been holding it in for so long. I just can't do it anymore. Sorry if I bummed any of you out. What's funny is that today is her birthday, and I feel really guilty for saying all this about her, even though she doesn't know I'm doing it!

Now Taking Requests

I know things have been a little ho-hum around this blog lately. But never fear, dear readers, as I have a fun post today.

No, nothing really exciting happened. Unless you count the fact that I got out of going to The Czarina's for Thanksgiving. (YESSSSSSSS!!!, complete with a victory arm thrust) I was originally going to go up, because my most favoritest aunt was coming, too. But it turns out that she can't go, and since The Czarina feels guilty when I come home for Thanksgiving, she told me not to worry about driving up.

Gee, twist my arm.

I was really looking forward to your repeated and nagging comments about how fat I am. Or your oh-so-subtle digs implying I could find a better boyfriend. Or remind me of how miserable I am in my job. Because what are the holidays for, if not to make you feel bad about yourself? As much as I'd love to have a big plate, piled high with thick slabs of passive aggresiveness, steamed repressed emotions, a side of control freak stuffing, some you-are-a-fuck-up casserole and a glob of smashed happiness, smothered in guilt gravy and sprinkled with denial and delusion, I think I'll pass.

I swear to God, I love my mother. Just not these last few weeks. This bitterness is a temporary phase. I will go back to loving her shortly. Hopefully, before Christmas. That would be nice.

She feels like Thanksgiving weekend is too short of a time to drive 6 hours each way. "I know that I would not want to drive 6 hours to see you, only to turn around basically the next day and drive 6 hours back. I mean, that's a long weekend, where you spend 2 days driving," she always says. "So don't worry about it. Thanksgiving is not a big deal to me. I will just see you at Christmas."

Every year, when she says this, I think, "And THAT is why I live 6 hours away from you!"

For those of you who also have guilt-tripping, semi-manipulative mothers who try to warp your brain, right now you are thinking, "Um, VB, that sounds vaguely like a test. Methinks she is doing some reverse psychology on your ass, and she is secretly pissed at you for not driving up to see her."

To which I reply: It may very well be a test. But until she stops making me feel like a fat loser every time I visit her, I feel it's only fair that I get to, in turn, play dumb to her stupid little games and attempts at manipulating me. Fair enough?

Besides, now I am going with CN to have turkey day w/his family. And although they have issues of their own, as an outsider, I get to smile, pretend I don't know what's really going on and just ask people to please pass the mac n cheese. I offered to cook all the sides for Mrs. N (CN's Mom), since she's now back at work AND taking care of her sick husband. But she refused to hear of it, and told me that she only needed help in the pie department. So I am in charge of pies. Which is right up my alley, of course. (I'm going to make pumpkin and a pecan, in case you're curious.) I feel really good about helping her out, and wish I could do more for her and Mr. N.

In case you cannot tell by now, I have been a little pissy lately. Don't know why. Probably PMS. But I kind of like it. It's coming in really handy at the gym. CN has to bear the brunt of my ventings, lately, and he is quite amused. So don't sympathize with him. He uses my rantings as opportunities to make fun of me, which only irritates me further. If he weren't so damn cute and funny, he'd be on my shit list, too. But I can't stay mad at him, because he always leaves me laughing at myself. ARGH! That totally takes the wind out of my pissy little sails! I hate it when he does that!

On to the point of this post, which is this: Today, I was a good girl and tried to catch up on a lot of my blogs. So many of you have nice little comments from yours truly. But now I am ready to blog, too. The problem is, I have several potential blog topics for tomorrow. So I am taking requests. Which blog topic sounds most appealing to you?

#1: How The Czarina is trying her best to make Smurf feel like she is too stupid to get into college, and that Smurf should just let The Czarina pick her school for her and how I am doing everything in my power to remind Smurf that The Czarina sucks like that and that Smurf has excellent credentials and that since Smurf is going to be paying for the tuition herself (thank you, Federal School Loans), then she (NOT MOM) should get to pick where she goes to school.
Upside: I am pissy, especially at my mother, so this post would have lots of juicy venting.
Downside: It is depressing a little bit to think about how controlling my mother is.

#2: Holiday-related topic, whether Thanksgiving, shopping or Christmas related theme. Details TBA. Possibly a meme.
Upside: Who doesn't love some good holiday cheer? Memes are short entries, a good thing since we are all busy.
Downside: It's nothing to get excited about. Unless you really enjoy helping me come up with present ideas. Or hijacking memes for your own blogging pleasure.

#3: My new pothead neighbor
Upside: Pissy mood could lead to funny ranting. This topic also (vaguely) connected to Hot Neighbor, for those of you who remember this guy.
Downside: Ranting my go on too long to retain interest in my readers. New Pothead Neighbor is a real piece of work.

#4: The Story of My Last Irritating Encounter with E, My Recent Ex-Roommate, followed up by a rant/editorial about how pathetic certain women are and why.
Upside: Yay! More pissiness and bitching!!! Also, an ode to German cooking (trust me, it all fits into the story)
Downside: More pissiness and bitching. Nausea from the pathetic woman part.

#5: Ipod/computer confusion and/or issues.
Upside: First pick for my computer geek readers. Who I love. Because they might be able to help me with my ipod transfer. So I don't erase CN's library in the process. Helping me out with this little problem might get you on Santa's Good List.
Downside: YAAAAAAAAAAWN. Irritation with VB for picking a lame topic, wholly devoid of ranting.

*In New Yawkah accent, a la Cawfee Tawlk* So discuss amongst yourselves. Pick a topic, and I will extrapolate. I reserve the right to pick whatever topic I want. This is my blog, dammit, so you can suck it. (That is my new favorite thing to say. "SUCK IT!!!" I yell at CN when he makes fun of me.)

I only work a half day tomorrow, so if I don't hear from you or if you don't read this in time, I hope you have a very happy Thanksgiving. Remember to be thankful for everything you have: your job, your health, your family, your home, and yes, even your controlling and manipulative mother. Despite her delivery method, she really does love you and is only worried about you. She just shows it funny. Kind of like a drill sergeant would. Only with more guilt and snarky comments.

The Mother of All Lectures

The other day, I got an email from The Czarina. "Call me. I haven't talked to you in a while," it said.

You are thinking, "Oh, that's nice! She misses her daughter. VB, shame on you for not calling your mother!"

I am thinking, "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!"

Since you are not her daughter, you wouldn't know that my mother's email message is code for: "Get ready to be lectured. Topic TBA."

So I decided that a good time to call her would be the next day. I wanted to just get it over with. Besides, if I called her in-between leaving my main job and going to my part time job, she could only lecture me for a maximum of 45 minutes. This was good. I would have an excuse to cut it short, if necessary.

Unfortunately for me, the next day was filled with lots of work-related stress here at the library, which I won't get into right now. So by the time I left my main job, I was already frazzled and on edge. I called The Czarina anyway -- again, just wanting to get it over with. I would not rank this decision high on my list of lifetime achievements, let me tell you.

The lecture topic? Why CN and VB Have No Business Dating, Let Alone Ever Get Married.

Not exactly a topic devoid of emotion, at least on my behalf. "Oh Jeez Louise!" I thought. "Not this! Not today! Why did I call her??"

She started with a rather insulting premise: "Now, I like CN. I really do. He is a sweet boy, and he treats you like a queen. And if you were to call me tomorrow and tell me that you two are engaged, I would be so happy for you. But let me just play devil's advocate here by saying..."

What followed was a litany of reasons why she thought he and I are incompatible: I am too domineering (which isn't good, since "the man must run the show"), he doesn't have enough ambition, I haven't had enough serious dating experience, he will be boring...yada yada yada.

Nevermind that:
1. I have never at any time called her to express any doubts about CN. At all.
2. I am nowhere near as domineering as she was towards my father, and they were happily married until the day he died.
3. This isn't 1955.
4. If ambition were important to me, I would never have dated most of the men I've dated over the past 15 years. In fact, all the lawyers and ambitious guys I've dated have either been pompous assholes or incredibly boring. Besides, I don't want someone who is married to his job. Funny, but I would like to see my man at the end of the day.
5. Last I checked, it is not necessary to turn down multiple marriage proposals before accepting the right one. (Mom would feel better if I had "already broken off a few engagements". Because that's a goal to strive for!)
6. CN and I have yet to be bored. Ever. Actually, he and I never lack for fun ideas of things to do together. We like to do all the same things: antiquing, shopping, exercise, reading, travel, etc.

And let's not forget the most important point I would like to make: CN and I have never talked about marriage, proposals or anything closely related to that. We haven't even been dating a year! For Pete's sake, I just got the guy to say the "L" word only about 6 months ago! UGH!

My mother is INSANE. The whole time she was rambling on and on, all I could think was that she was grasping at straws, looking for reasons to say why I was making The Biggest Mistake of My Life and totally wasting my time. There were moments when I honestly felt like she was just simply making shit up!

Of course, the realization that she is totally bonkers was overshadowed by the following thoughts inside my brain: "OMG what if she's right? What if she's totally wrong? How dare she say all of this, when she hardly knows him!! Why is she saying all of this, when I've never once come to her with complaints or concerns about my relationship? I am not feeling quite as concerned about all of this as she seems to be. But maybe I should be. After all, she has a 28 year marriage under her belt. I don't."

Fighting the urge to plead with her about why she seems to be interested in making me miserable, I tried to keep an open mind and remember that The Czarina has a tendency to think that

1. I am her mini-me. Which is simply not the case.
2. I am a moron who cannot think for herself. Thank God I have my mother to think for me!
3. Everything is more important than it actually is. (Can you say "high strung"?)
4. It is 1955.

So with my head spinning, I managed to get off the phone before I burst into tears. I was totally confused, not to mention upset that she looks at CN and sees flaws. But I have never been happier in my whole life than I have with CN. When I think about the future with him, I get butterflies, not worry or dread. I really don't have any major concerns, and I can't imagine him not being in my life. Besides, we haven't even talked marriage yet. But I trust my mother's judgement. She is, and I hate to admit it most of the time, almost always right.

I had to make sense of this. So that evening, I did a lot of thinking. And since I was stressed out and upset, I did what always makes me feel better: I talked to CN. I guess maybe I shouldn't have brought up that whole conversation with CN of all people, but my poker face leaves something to be desired. He could tell I was upset about more than just work that day. So he dragged it out of me. I told him about what The Czarina said and told him that I was confused and didn't know if these were her issues or if they were my issues. He was upset because he felt like The Czarina hates him. (And I can totally see why....which makes me feel really badly about bringing it all up...) He's also afraid that he's not what I'm looking for. As soon as he said that, I knew something didn't feel right. The Czarina's concerns just didn't sit well with me. They weren't meshing. The whole time she was talking, I never once thought, "That's a good point...I have actually been worried about that myself." All I could think was, "I'm not really getting where she's going with this."

I know it sounds stupid, but maybe it's a daughter thing. Or an oldest child thing. But even at my age, I crave my mother's approval and trust her completely. And you'd think that after moving away, going to grad school, buying a house and being financially independent, I would learn to trust myself a little more. But one lecture from my mother can make me doubt myself totally and without question. She could make me doubt that the sun rises every morning.

Luckily, as I have aged, there has been a little voice in the back of my head. It says, "You cannot live your life for your mother. You have to live it for yourself. Only you know what is best for you."

And the voice was there. And I listened to it. I am not exaggerating when I say this might be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. Just trust myself. Believe in myself. Such a simple concept, right? But so terrifying.

If there were a resume for this sort of thing, it would be impressive. I listened to no one when getting my dog. I adore him. I picked out my house without the help of anyone else. I didn't even get a 2nd opinion before signing on the dotted line, and I have loved every minute of it. When I graduated college, it was my idea to try teaching school. It ended up being the only job I've ever loved. These were all big decisions and I was perfectly happy with all of them. It's so easy to forget that I've already done a good job in this department.

My mother was just crazy, that was all. I could ignore her. Nod and smile. Nod and smile. Cut the phone calls short. I can do that.

But why on earth was she doing this in the first place? Most of the time, our phone calls are jovial and relaxed. We talk about decorating or books or travel or our family. We trade exercise tips. But every once in a while, The Czarina will call me and I swear it's like her whole goal is to remind me of how I am screwing up my life! And it makes me hate her!

It wasn't until the next day that I had an epiphany. I realized there was a pattern to these horrible lectures. They tended to happen after I hadn't talked to her in a while. I used to be better about calling her once a week, and if I did call more often, the lectures would either be very mild or totally absent from the conversation. I don't get the lectures when I go home to visit her.

It seems that I get the lectures when too much time passes. It's like she sits and stews and thinks up all these things to advise me about. But by the time we talk, she's about to boil over, so it all comes gushing out: wrong boyfriend, wrong job, wrong diet, wrong town...you name it!
And since my dad passed away, the lectures have gotten worse. They are more frequent and longer.

Which leads me to my conclusion: When I don't call, it makes her feel like I don't need her anymore, which scares her. This causes her to grasp at straws, trying to think up reasons why I might need her. So she starts to make mental lists of things I am probably not thinking about or doing correctly, and then dumps them all on me at the next phone call. And now that Dad is gone, too, she has even fewer people to lecture, which is why she's been lecturing me more often.

After 29 years, I finally figured it out.

Some people are amazed and even heartbroken to hear how far away I live from my mother. But after phone calls like this, I want to move to a remote region of Siberia. And have no telephone.

Timelines

Well, after three verbal requests and a nasty email, I was a little pissed to see that my manager at Dildo's was still ignoring my request for a weekend off. When I got to work on Wednesday, she hadn't even so much as given me a courtesy reply to my email. Not even a "I will have to see about this. I will talk to you later about it." -- I got nothing. Nada. [insert rage and frustration here.]

I knew she hadn't left work yet, so I paged her. No reply. I knew she was ignoring me. [insert more rage and frustration here.]

About a half hour later, I see her, trying to sneak away by taking the long way around the jewelry department. It was raining, and she even had the nerve to sort of hold her umbrella in front of her face. As if I'm not going to know it's her!!! ARGH.

"Heather!" I shouted, accusingly. She was so busted. She stopped, put down the umbrella, and glared at me.

"I need to talk to you about my schedule," I continued, unfazed. "I'm tired of this. I need a weekend off. And why didn't you reply to my page?"

"Technically, I'm not here right now," she snapped back. Ohhhhhh, no she didn't!!! I have talked to her numerous times, and she keeps blowing me off, and NOW she's copping an attitude with ME??? That little fresh-outta-college snooty ass bitch! She is going DOWN. I am so sick of her making time in her day to flirt with one of the other managers but never making time to do her fucking job.

Then she told me that I need to realize that not everyone gets a weekend off every month. Some people just don't get one, sometimes.

I replied, "Yeah. I know. I'm one of them. But I need this weekend off."

I did not appreciate her attitude or her bullshit. Almost everyone else in the department gets their weekends off with no problem. But for me and a couple other people, we have to pull teeth. It makes no sense.

"Fine," she said, halfway rolling her eyes. "Just take it."

"Thank you," I replied. Heather left.

I was so pissed off at the way she had just acted, I almost walked out right then and there. If it weren't for a special sale going on today, I probably would have just quit on the spot. But there's some jewelry I want to buy...so I will work tonight.

Over my luxurious weekend off, I will think about whether or not I will return to Dildo's on Monday. I might. I might not. Maybe I will "forget" to come in. Or perhaps I will, but I will "technically not be there." AAAARRRGH.

I am really crossing my fingers that I will hear SOON about whether or not I get to teach this class. I don't know how much longer I can put up with Dildo's. Maybe I can hang in there for two more weeks...

Speaking of timelines, I talked to The Czarina the other day. Now, a lot of people have a hard time understanding why she drives me nuts, but if they knew the crazy things that she says to me, they would understand. This is basically how our phone conversation went:

Mom: So, how is CN?

VB: He's fine! Wonderful as usual.

Mom: That's good. He's such a nice guy. I do like him.

*Relief on my end of the line.*

[Little do I know, she's just setting me up. That was her idea of a warm up to what she really wanted to lecture me about.]

Mom: So, have you two talked about marriage yet?

Oh Jezus. Here we go....

VB: *trying desperately to think up an urgent reason to get off the phone.* Not really, Mom. No.

Mom: Well, you know, you might want to put him on a timeline. You don't want to waste any more time. I mean, if he's never going to pop the question...you might just want to break it off.

[Nevermind that doing so would make me totally miserable, but apparently, this is beside her point. And I love how all the time I've spent dating him has been a 'waste' of time.]

VB: Mom, we're fine. We have had a couple of conversations in that direction. He asked a lot of questions about my roommate's engagement. And we talked about kids once.

Mom: *hissing* Well, don't bring it up! You want it to be his idea! Let me tell you, you don't want a man who doesn't have to marry you. All that stuff should be his idea! It all needs to come from him! He needs to really really want to marry you.

VB: Ok, Mom. I get it. Yes, I agree. I don't want to browbeat him into it or anything. I'm not really an ultimatum kind of girl.

Mom: Ok, well stop bringing up wedding stuff. Don't even mention it around him.

VB: *rolling my eyes* Ok, Mom. We haven't even been dating a year yet. Everything is fine.

Mom: Ok, well, I love you, hon. I'll talk to you later.

VB: I love you, too, Mom. Bye.

Is anyone else wondering how it is fair to put CN on a "timeline" without informing him about this timeline? Doesn't seem quite fair, does it? It's like she's saying, "He needs to marry you soon. But don't talk about marriage." WTF? That doesn't make any sense! That's like yelling at someone for not taking out the trash, when they didn't even know the trash was full in the first place. Even though you knew the trash was full the whole time. It's like expecting someone to read your mind. And it's not fair.

And nevermind that he and I may not be ready for all of that yet! I love how she never asks me how I feel about this idea. Apparently, I don't need to think about it or decide anything for myself. It's all about how CN feels. A marriage conversation is totally one-sided, I guess. We know there would be no hold up on my end. I must be ready. I'm a girl. I want to be married yesterday. (Ok, I guess I can't really argue with the last statement...let's be honest, here.) But good grief! Like I need any pressure from my mother!!! We'll get there when we get there!

She's acting like women have to trick men into marrying them or something. And that's not what I'm all about. At all. If CN turned to me today and said, "I don't want to get married for another 8 years." I would be ok with it. Obviously, I wouldn't be super excited about it, because I would like to get married before I'm 40, in all honesty. But that's not something I would break up over. I would still want to be with him, even if he took his sweet ass time. I'm trying to enjoy the ride, not set an egg timer.

Jeezus! What is with her advice lately?? This is almost as bad as the time she told me I should go to medical school:

"Why, Mom? I don't want to be a doctor. I don't even want to be in the medical field. That's a helluva lot of debt. And besides, I have a weak stomach. Why on earth would I do that?" I replied.

"Duh!!! So you can meet and marry a doctor, Virginia!" she replied, frustrated. I swear, if she had been sitting closer to me, she would have thunked me in the head.

Do you see what I have to put up with?? My mother is crazy!

I'm a Survivor

I was hoping to have a bunch of awkward and hilarious anecdotes to share with you about the trip up to The Czarina's. But nothing really happened! Everything went really smoothly. CN likes Mom, Mom likes CN. The end.

CN really enjoyed teaming up with The Czarina to tease me, which caused me to exclaim more than once, "Hey! Whose side are you on, anyway?!" to him. They thought this was hilarious.

I have to say, I think Czarina was on her best behavior. Not once did any of our baggage-laden, touchy-subject issues come up in conversation. She didn't even speak a word about my obvious weight gain!!! And it definitely helped that she had a party to host, because it really wasn't in her schedule to sit down for a heart-to-heart with him, asking about his intentions. She was much MUCH too distracted. WHEW.

Her distraction was so great, in fact, that not even 30 minutes after lecturing Smurf about her abysmal teenage driving skills, she was pulled over by a policeman for running a stop sign. Whoops. To make it even worse, Mom was so oblivious to his flashing lights that she just proceeded to park her car and get out to go do her business as if nothing were wrong. CN and I, who had already parked in our car and were waiting for her nearby, saw her get out of her car and so we began yelling, "What are you doing??!! He's going to pull a gun on you!!!" and then we busted out laughing when we saw her realize what was going on. Then we called Smurf to tell her that Mom just got pulled over for blowing a stop sign. And that she could have been shot for getting out of her vehicle. The Czarina will never live this down.

CN was a paragon of perfection, if I do say so myself. Fat Dog was not around to help Mom with the party, because he was in his best friend's wedding and therefore, out of town. Fungus arrived with a painful back injury, so he was also unable to help out with party preparations. So CN stepped up to the plate and moved furniture, set up tables and carried lots of things around for my mother. I was very proud, and The Czarina was very grateful. He earned lots of points.

Aside from one guest showing up FIVE HOURS EARLY to the party, despite the invitations CLEARLY stating the party started at 6pm*, everything went really well, party-wise. There was plenty of leftover food and alcohol. I got to see many friends of the family. CN made a wonderful impression on everyone, but at the same time, he said he never felt pressured or overwhelmed the entire time he was at The Czarina's. In fact, he said he had a great time and thought everyone was wonderful. I wish I could say the same thing -- not once, but TWICE during the party someone whispered very loudly to me, "So, do you think he's the one???" when CN was barely out of earshot. This made me want to whisper loudly back, "I don't know! Maybe you should ask him, since he's standing right behind you!!"

Argh. I should have spent more time avoiding the loud whisperers, rather than just trying to stay away from my mother.

* This is pretty typical behavior for this guest. Last year, he refused to drive to the party himself, and my poor brother was stuck driving him on the 3 hour trip to my mother's house. Keep in mind that this particular guest is a sweaty, creepy old man who is very nosy, particular and irritating. And he wears shorts with black knee socks, a source of much amusement for the under-40 crowd at the party.

Wish Us Luck

Tomorrow morning, CN and I leave for Virginia to go visit The Czarina. And my little sister Smurf. And my younger brother Fungus. And a ton of other people. The only person he won't get to meet is Fat Dog, because he will be out of town, a groomsman in a good friend's wedding this weekend. Which is unfortunate, since Fat Dog is really fun and easy to be around.

We will be up in my hometown for four days. This Saturday is the annual BBQ held in honor of my dad's birthday. The Czarina has hosted it every year at her house since he passed away 3 years ago.

We have a big buffet of BBQ pork and all the fixin's. We have fireworks. There's lots of drinking and story telling. It's such a mix of people, too -- not just my immediate family, but all of our family friends...and everyone brings their kids.....and dogs......so I would say that the age range here is anything from 80-something down to newborn. But heavy on the 60+ crowd, all of whom are very conservative, highly educated, staunch Republicans. (I swear, most of them are fun after their 3rd scotch.)

I really look forward to this annual event. Good food, family, good friends, a nice summer evening in the country under the stars...what's not to love? Sounds like a great time, right?

Unfortunately, since I am someone my boyfriend describes as "always excited about something", I think I went a little overboard this time. When I invited him to go with me a few months back, our conversation went something like this:

VB: Ok, guess what!

CN: What.

VB: Every year! at the end of June! my mom throws a huge party! and everyone comes over! and eats BBQ! and drinks all day! and then we watch fireworks.

CN: Oh yeah?

VB: [growing excited] Yeah! And I thought it would be fun if you came with me this year! It's a huge party and it's so much fun! Everyone will be SO excited to meet you! [eyebrows raised expectantly] So....you wanna go?

CN: Sure, babe. How many people are we talking about?

VB: [slightly confused as to why that question is important] Oh, like a hundred or so. [switching back to the high-pitched excited voice] Anyway, my mom will be SO excited to meet you! And so will Smurf...and my brothers....hey! You wanna shoot guns with my brothers while we're up there? They love to do target practice! And you can meet Howard, and the P family and my mom's cousin, and...

CN: [I'm not sure, but I bet this was the point where his eyes started to glaze over.]

VB: [undaunted, I am now on to all the activities we can do on our long weekend in my hometown]...and I can show you where I went to elementary school! and we can visit the college where my dad used to teach! and I can show you this supercool store downtown! OH! and we can drive out to the old house where I grew up! It is so cool. It was built in 1840 and--

CN: [Stopping the verbal excitement gushing from my big mouth] Hey, hey, hey. Wait. Um, ok. That sounds cool. We can do that. It's just that based on what you've told me about your mom...

VB: Yeah, yeah. I know. My mom is Queen of Loaded Questions. I am a little worried she will chew you up and spit you out. Ugh, she can be so judgemental. And close-minded. And snooty. Sometimes. Hopefully, she won't be like that with you. She will love you. Maybe I can just answer her questions for you....

CN: That won't be necessary.

VB: OH! I have a great idea! Here's the thing. She will be running around like a chicken with her head cut off, because of the party. So she probably won't even have time to really have a major heart-to-heart with you! She'll probably talk to you for like, 30 minutes, and that will be it! Yay!

CN: Yay...? Ok. [He is laughing at me now]

VB: Oh! You know what would be really good? You should offer to help her get ready for the party. She will LOVE that. And remember, don't put your feet on the furniture, don't sleep in, and don't leave dirty dishes all over the place. Those are her pet peeves. But we can go all over this again in the car on the way up there. OOOH!!! I am so excited to introduce you to everyone!!! There are so many people who will just love to meet you!

CN: [giving a deer in headlights look] *gulp* How many people did you say were coming to this thing?

VB: [again, confused as to the relevancy of this question] Like a hundred. Maybe 75. But at least 50. It lasts all day and all night. Sometimes, people even come over for breakfast the next morning. Don't worry. I'll keep you away from all the people who only talk about politics. And the people who will ask nosy questions about our relationship. I need to remember not to wear any of those shirts that old people mistake for pregnancy clothes. Dear Lord, that's the last thing I need...OH! And before I forget, you will be sharing your room with 3 guys.

CN: [slightly panicky] Share? Three?

VB: Yeah. My mom's house only has three bedrooms. [with sympathy] Oh, I know, sweetie. I know how you can't sleep with strangers in the room, and you can't sleep through snoring. And just so you know, Fungus is kind of a night owl, so he will probably be in and out of the room all night...but you can bring your ear plugs and Tylenol PM, right? You should be fine with that, right?

CN: I hope so. Are you forgetting?

VB: Oh probably. Let me think...what else should I tell you...*thinks about how else to describe our trip to my hometown*

CN: No, I mean you are forgetting things. Like...I don't like parties.

VB: [quietly] Oh. Yeah. Right.

CN: Or lots of attention and fuss all over me.

VB: [even quieter] Oh. Ok.

CN: Or people.

VB: [whispering, at this point] Oh.

*I look at my lap*

*realization sets in*

VB: So, everything I just told you is...bad? And I just freaked you out?

CN: Pretty much.

VB: I'm sorry. Sometimes, I forget that you're not a social butterfly like me, babe. Crap. See, I forget about that stuff, because you always seem to enjoy going to parties with me. You had fun at Mr. Bill's. And at my Lasagna Night.

CN: Yeah, but I know you. And I know Mr. Bill. And your friends. Plus, there's beer. You are the one who gets excited about social interaction. I just get nervous.

VB: [excited expression returning to my face] So.....we should just get a lot of cold beer before showing up at my mom's?

CN: Yeah, that would probably be a good idea. Because right now, I'm really anxious and nervous, based on what you just told me. I will definitely need a beer upon arrival.

VB: Ok, we can do that. And if you need to get away, you can just tell people you have to walk Sammy! Or you have to find me! Or you have to pee! Ok? And I'll bring some Xanax, so let me know if you need one.

CN: Ok. I'll be fine. Just stop making a big deal out of everything.

VB: But babe, that's what I do. Duh.

Because of this conversation, and its subsequent additions (no, I can't help it), I have not brought up the trip home in the last 2 days, as a way to allow CN to relax and decompress before showtime. It's probably too late to convince him to relax, but it's better than nothing.

Meanwhile, my overactive imagination has been scheming up all sorts of horrible scenarios, many of which involve rudeness and screaming, leading to the resumption of my cigarette smoking. Gah. Just thinking about all of this right now makes me want to grab a pack on the way home, just to get warmed up.

The truth is, I have never brought home a boyfriend. Not like this. Not to stay for a weekend. And meet EVERYONE. So I have no idea how this is going to go. I guess if it goes horribly, I will have a good story to tell, right? Ugh.

Pray for me. And wish us luck.

CN and the Doctors

On Saturday afternoon, I made strawberry shortcake for CN. He loved it.

But after he ate, he said he didn't feel well. After some jokes about how I am poisoning him and/or not washing the strawberries, he decided to lie down. I joined him, because I didn't feel well either (little did I know, I was hours away from getting a migraine, and this was my body trying to warn me). Besides, my calves were killing me, thanks to my trainer's brilliant idea that I do 150 calf raises AND 30 pound lifts (45 times) on the calf weight machine at the gym. I would spend the weekend trying to stretch out my calves, only to end up hobbling around on my tippy toes, like some geriatric Barbie doll.

After our nap, I felt a little better, but CN felt worse -- much worse. He had nausea, dizziness, bloating, lower back pain, chills and....let's just say that "things" weren't "moving along". So I spent the evening taking care of him. I felt helpless, because nothing I did seemed to make him feel much better. I tried to stay up late with him -- he was in so much pain that he couldn't sleep -- but I konked out around 11pm. "Wake me up if you need anything," I said drowsily. I suck at being a night owl.

This pattern went on through Saturday night, all day Sunday and all day Monday. CN would eat, feel terrible, lie down, writhe in pain all night, then wake up feeling slightly better in the morning. And he had to go to extreme measures to get things "going", if you know what I mean.

To make things even worse, I woke up with a mild migraine on Sunday, so I was feeling pretty miserable, too. Thanks to a lot of caffeine, I managed to keep most of the pain at bay. So we went to Wal-Mart. But that was it! By the time we left, both of us were feeling worse. We laid around in bed for the rest of the day, feeling like crap!

"Wow, we are one exciting couple," he said.

On Monday morning, CN went to go see Dr. Quack. I call him Dr. Quack because when CN went to him last year, complaining of um....something really gross that can be a sign of something REALLY bad, he told CN to "just cut back on alcohol".

WTF?? A young, otherwise healthy man comes to you, complaining of unexplained bleeding, and you tell him to cut back on beer??! ARG!

"I really wish you wouldn't go see him again," I said. "He's a quack!"

"Well, I already made the appointment," he replied.

CN comes back from the doctor and calls me at work. "Ok, Dr. Quack says I have a kidney infection."

"But you have been complaining about gastro-intestinal issues," I replied, confused.

"Yeah, I know. But he tested my pee, and it came back infected. So I'm on antibiotics."

I remembered his lower back pain -- it must have been in his kidneys. That kind of made sense. I asked him if Dr. Quack said anything else about his other symptoms.

"Yeah, I told him about the dizziness, and he said I probably have congested sinuses, so he told me to go buy some Mucinex," CN replied.

"Do you have congestion?" I asked.

"No," CN answered. "But I bought some anyway. Just took the first dose."

Who the hell is this doctor?? I thought to myself. And why is my normally intelligent boyfriend just accepting everything he is saying as gospel?? Doesn't he see that this doc is a moron?? Apparently, I am going to have to just do all this for CN, because he cannot be trusted to be in charge of his own health. This is so ridiculous.

That's when I recognized this particular Voice in My Head: It was the worst voice of all. It was the voice of The Czarina. I was turning into my mother before my very eyes. As terrifying as it was, I couldn't stop it. It was like a ventriloquist had taken over my body. I was the dummy on her lap, saying whatever she would say.

"Ok, well, I will come check on you when I get home today," I replied. [Czarina Voice Translation: When I come over today after work, I am going to make you go see a real doctor who gives logical answers, because I am pretty sure this doctor got his MD from the back of a cereal box.]

By the time I got home, he was feeling a lot better, but he hadn't really eaten anything that day, so we went to grab some BBQ. As soon as he finished eating, he felt terrible again. Seeing the pattern of eating --> illness, I tell him I really think he should go to see a gastroenterologist. I was worried he might have IBS, diverticulitis or an intestinal blockage -- or worse.

We go home, and he's now really uncomfortable and lying on the couch. "We might need to go to the emergency room," he said. I explained (ok, Czarina's Voice explained) to him that if we go to the emergency room, they will put him at the bottom of the list because he's not bleeding to death and he doesn't have any heart/lung issues. Then, once they get around to seeing us at 4am, they will probably tell us to pop some vicodin and call your regular doctor in the morning.

He agreed and decided to stay put for the time being. He took some tylenol for the pain. To make him feel better, I stayed at his house in case he needed anything.

He felt ok yesterday morning -- not great, but ok. I went to work and came to check on him at lunch. It was time to visit a REAL doctor. One who didn't prescribe medicines for non-existent symptoms.

"But I've already been to the doctor," he whined.

"My coworkers recommend Dr. B," I said, ignoring him. He was going to the doctor whether he liked it or not. [Czarina was in full swing now.]

"Shouldn't we wait until the antibiotics really kick in? I mean, I'm fine! This is no big deal!" he said.

That's when I lost it. I gave CN a tear-filled lecture about how worried I was and how he's got to go to the doctor, if only so that I can stop worrying. I listed off all the reasons I wasn't happy with Dr. Quack and told him a bunch of scary stories I had heard about unresolved gastro-intestinal issues. After about 20 minutes of nagging, lecturing, guilt-tripping and begging, he finally caved in and agreed to call.

Dr. B couldn't see him for 2 days.

"Ok, yeah, Friday is ok, then," CN said into the phone.

"No, it's NOT!!" I hissed. "You need to see someone TODAY!!"

We called the doctor recommended to us by Dr. B's receptionist.

"Tomorrow morning at 9? Sure, that would be ok," CN said into the phone.

By this point, I was ready to grab the phone away from him and do it myself. What is it with men and doctors??!!

"Does he specialize in gastroenterology? Ask her if he specializes in gastro-intestinal issues," I asked. CN asked receptionist #2.

"No, he doesn't," CN told me. He went back to talking to receptionist #2.

"My chief complaint? Uh...I don't feel good. Just, ya know, in pain, in my back, mostly," he said.

"No!! You are having severe abdominal pain and nothing is making it better and you need to see someone TODAY!" I practically yelled. I was hovering over him by this point, like a helicopter.

CN made the appointment for the next morning at 9am. He got off the phone.

"Ok, we are calling a gastroenterologist this time," I said.

"But I just made an appointment with a family doctor for tomorrow," he said, confused.

"Yes, I realize this, but you need a gastroenterologist TODAY. Tomorrow isn't good enough. If you don't take health problems seriously, they will turn into serious health problems," I said. I gave him the number I had looked up in the phone book. He called and made an appointment for 2:30 that afternoon.

I took off the rest of the afternoon so that I could go with him.

"This really isn't necessary," CN said, as I made a list of all his symptoms and all the foods he had eaten in the past 48 hours. "I'm a big boy. I can go to the doctor by myself."

"Oh yeah? You can? What happened last time?" I asked.

"He told me I was congested. And I'm not," he mumbled.

"What else?" I asked, shrewishly. I was on a roll, now. This was Classic Czarina, spewing from my mouth. My hands may have even been on my hips.

"And I forgot to tell the doctor all of my symptoms. Or ask questions," he mumbled again.

"I'm going to the doctor's appointment with you, even if they make me sit in the waiting room the whole time." I announced, one eyebrow raised. "Besides, look at you. You're in so much pain, you can't even sit up straight. You can't drive like this."

We went to the doctor, complete with the list of symptoms I had written and all his medicines, including the over the counter stuff. They let me go into the exam room with CN.

The doctor comes in, and we tell him everything. I make CN show him the list I made.

The doctor tells us that sometimes, when someone gets any kind of infection, it can mess with your gastro-intestinal tract. So it was probably the kidney infection causing the gastro-intestinal problems. The doctor asked CN some questions, just to rule out anything serious. CN was fine. Just a little backed up, was all. (Finally! Some answers!!)

"So what's up with the Mucinex?" I asked.

The doctor turned to CN. "Are you congested?" he asked.

"No," said CN.

"Hmmm....I bet Dr. Quack meant to write down 'Miralax', an OTC laxative, but he wrote down 'Mucinex' by mistake. So stop taking the Mucinex if you don't have congestion. Let's get you some Miralax instead, ok? You can get it at drugstores or grocery stores. It's over the counter," he said.

Oh my gawd. You have got to be kidding me, I thought. Jeez Louise. If CN was allowed to do what he wanted, he'd be dead or buying snake oil from some infomercial. I am just going to have to run this show from now on.

"Tell him about your prostate!!" I whispered to CN. CN has an enlarged prostate. It is hereditary in his family. His dad has prostate cancer right now, in fact, which is something you are at a high risk for if you have an enlarged prostate.

CN tells him all about the prostate issues.

"Ok, so let me get this straight. You have a urinary/kidney infection and an enlarged prostate?" asked the doctor.

"Yes," said CN.

"Well, what does your urologist say?" he continued.

"Um, I have never been to a urologist. Dr. Quack just told me to take saw palmetto, that herbal supplement that is supposed to help," CN explained.

You could have knocked the doctor over with a feather! He was visibly shocked. "You mean to tell me that you have prostate cancer in your immediate family, a history of enlarged prostate symptoms AND a urinary/kidney tract infection and you haven't been to a urologist??!" he exclaimed.

Thank you, you genius doctor, I thought. I have been telling him to go to a urologist for months.

"Um. No." CN mumbled.

"I'm referring you to one right away. You really don't need me, you need a urologist," he said.

We made the appointment at the urologist's, paid the bill and drove home.

"Thanks for coming with me, babe," CN said.

"You're welcome. Sorry I had to get all Czarina on your ass, but I was worried sick and you acted like you weren't concerned, and I got scared, which brings out my inner control freak," I said.

"No, I'm glad you did. It shows you care. I was kind of scared that there was something really wrong with me, and I didn't want to deal with it. Thanks for making me talk to a good doctor. I feel a lot better," he said.

"So I wasn't totally obnoxious?" I asked.

"No! You were great. I really appreciate it...Czarina."

"Shut up. Don't call me that ever again," I mumbled.