So far, my part-time job at Dildo's is pretty much what you'd expect from a retail job: lots of work on the weekends, ample quantities of boredom and a seemingly endless supply of annoying customers.
I could write a post about some of these incredibly frustrating customers, and I probably will at some point. But today, I want to talk about one of the managers. I call him The Twerp, which is a kind nickname, considering I would really like to call him His Royal Douchiness. The total suckage embodied in this guy is definitely at an imperial level, I can assure you.
Rumor has it that he came to Dildo's by way of Toys R Us, where he was also a department manager. Apparently, he was fired from Toys R Us because his wife abused the employee discount too much. This is a completely idiotic reason to get fired, in my opinion. Hey, moron, tell your wife to knock it off. Duh. So now he is the manager of the home store department at Dildo's. He runs the show upstairs, where they sell bedding, dishes, fine china and the like.
In other words, he is NOT my manager. I work in accessories (jewelry, handbags, scarves, etc.). As you can probably tell, he likes to think he's everyone's manager. You can guess how well this sits with me and my coworkers.
His wife is rumored to wear the pants in their relationship, which isn't surprising, considering how fucking stupid he is. And supposedly she keeps him on a short leash. Speaking of short, he's short. At least 3 inches shorter than me. So we have all the ingredients necessary:
1. Overbearing wife
2. Short stature
3. A lower management position
Mix together and you get: one helluva Napoleon complex. This guy is on a power trip from the minute he steps into the store until the minute he leaves for the day. Which would normally just cause you to feel pity for his pathetic existence, but in his case, he is so goddamn irritating, all you want to do is fantasize about smashing his skull into the pavement. Repeatedly. Until his brains spill out.
As evidence of my wholly encompassing, sheer hatred for this man, I present to you the following anecdotes as evidence to substantiate my claim that he is in fact due for a serious beat-down in the Dildo's parking lot.
1. One time, a customer was looking at a bedspread set (comforter, shams, etc.). She really liked it, and since her birthday was coming up, she was going to ask her parents to get it for her as a gift. In order to show them what it looked like, she took out her cell phone so that she could take some photos of it. Out of nowhere, The Twerp swoops in to inform the customer that he cannot allow her to take photographs of the merchandise for "liability reasons".
Like what? The comforter is involved in a bitter custody battle?? Come on! He just did this because he could.
More evidence that he's stupid: The customer works at the daycare where his kids go. She knew exactly who he was! But he was sitting up so high on his horse, he didn't recognize her. Which is typical -- he has a tendency to act like he cannot be bothered to take the time out of his ultra-busy and important lower management schedule to do things like look people in the eye or ask them how their day is going. He looks at other people as though they are objects, rather than human beings. He probably didn't even realize who she was.
Needless to say, the woman didn't buy squat from him or his department. And she made sure to tell another employee why. Which is how I know about it.
2. I was working with Courtney Love (yes, the girl is the spitting image of her) one evening. She and I were marking down some jewelry that was now on sale. In order to do this, each item needs to be scanned with a scan gun, which sends the information to the printer. Then the printer makes a sale sticker for each item. It's not difficult work, but it is time consuming. Most of the time is spent looking for the scan guns. It had taken us a good 30 minutes to find 2 scan guns.
So we had scanned about 200 items a piece, and we were ready to print out that set of stickers before moving on. Courtney left to go find our manager to tell her we were ready to start printing. As soon as she walked away, The Twerp walked by, said, "I need these," and then proceeded to just take the scan guns! No explanation, no discussion, no apologies. I watched in horror as he immediately turned off the scan guns. This means that all 200 records we had just done were GONE. Courtney and I had to start all over.
What was really frustrating about this was that if he had been just a TINY bit considerate, and just waited for us to print off the stickers, he could have had the scan guns in ten minutes. But of course, this would rob him of an opportunity to be a fucking asshole.
3. To warrant against employee theft, Dildo's technically requires all female employees to carry a clear purse (nevermind that this doesn't stop people from stealing, but that's another post for another time). During training, you are issued a clear purse by management. When I first started working at Dildo's again, I saw that this policy was still in place. But I also noticed that a lot of the female employees did not abide by this rule. It's a long story, but I never went to any of the training, so I never got a clear purse. Since no one ever gave me a clear purse, and it seemed this rule was not really enforced anyway, I didn't worry about it. And no one has said a word to me about it.
Until Sunday, when The Twerp was the manager for the day.
It was just after 6pm, and all the employees headed upstairs to customer service so that we could clock out. Now, if an employee purchases something while they are at work, it has to be kept at customer service until their shift is over. So a lot of people were picking up their purchases before they went home. We all filed back downstairs so that we could exit the building through the back door, just like we always do.
True to character, The Twerp was perched on a table, right next to the back door. He wanted to look inside everyone's Dildo's bags. He wanted to make sure none of us were stealing things and sticking them into Dildo's bags, because you know, we are all criminals. He inspected everyone's receipts and scrutinized their purchases before letting them out the door.
"What a fucking douchebag," I thought. In my opinion and experience, these sorts of policies do not stop employee theft. They only serve to irritate and offend your staff.
Since I hadn't purchased anything, I went around him towards the door. Just as I began to push on the back door, The Twerp stopped me. I should have known.
"Where's your clear purse?" he asked me, in a condescending tone one usually reserves for three-year-olds.
With the same tone of voice and facial expression as a defiant teenager, I replied, "No one ever gave me one."
"Well," he continued, using a tone of voice that was so sickeningly sweet and fake it made my stomach churn, "We will have to just get you one on your next shift!"
By the time he finished this sentence, he was talking to the back of my head. I was so instantly irritated and annoyed, I had to walk away from him right at that second, or else I would have flipped him the bird and told him to suck it. It was all I could do not to get right in his face and scream, "FUCK OFF!!!"
Because my beef here is not with the store's policy about clear purses. I understand the policy, and yes, it's probably a good idea. My beef is with the way he handled it. He has had numerous opportunities to learn my name, to treat me like a human being and to give me the basic respect any employee would want from a supervisor. But instead, he treats me like a subject of his royal power. He doesn't even know my name or what department I work in. He has taken every opportunity to insult me and treat me like a child. None of the other managers do this. At all. In fact, the other managers are all cool as hell. Which only bothers me more -- you'd think he would see how other managers behave and realize that he doesn't have to act like that.
So that's why I want to grab him by the ear, drag him out into the parking lot and bash his skull in while I scream at him, "It is NOT my problem that you are a nutless wonder and wholly incapable of standing up to your own wife! I am tired of you treating me and everyone else here like we are scum of the earth! So you can take your Napoleon complex somewhere else, and go fuck yourself, you power-tripping twerp!"
And then, I want to stop, stand up, and kick him really hard in the ribs, ending with, "Fucking douchebag!"
And then I would walk to my car and drive home. And never go back to Dildo's.
Wow. I guess I'm due for a nice, long run. Or a vacation. Or a massage. I think I have a lot of pent-up rage right now. I need to do something about it. Because this daydream is WAY more interesting to me than anything involving Julian McMahon and suntan lotion.
Showing posts with label julian mcmahon is going to have my babies one day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label julian mcmahon is going to have my babies one day. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, October 29, 2007
Bits/Pieces
Friday night was SO much fun! MJ & VW ended up being Britney Spears (complete with Chee-tos, pregnant tummy and much-dropped baby) and K-Fed (I swear, the guy is a dead ringer for K-Fed!). CN looked great in his Super Troopers costume. Vermont, our Rat Pack friend who happened to be in town, went as a character from Major League (please don't ask me who!). His roommate was a hunter and wore camouflage. The Runner was the Burger King and his friend (girlfriend?) was Kendra Wilkinson, one of the Girls Next Door. KT couldn't go because she was sick.
When we got to the party, there were lots of snacks and a keg. There were about 50 people there, I'd say, so it was a good crowd. Here were some of the costumes:
Little Red Riding Hood & Wolf (a couple -- cute idea, huh?)
Batman, Robin and the Joker (three friends)
Roman soldiers (complete with fake, bloody wounds)
a fairy (who smoked like a chimney, which was funny to me)
Jessica Rabbit
a witch
various X-Men characters
Indian princess (that was the hostess)
Dr. Seymour Bush (a "gynecologist" -- get it?)
cowboys/cowgirls
another Burger King guy
a female gangster
a flapper
Catholic school girl & guy (that was E & B)
Cleopatra
Coach Steve Spurrier
Dog, the Bounty Hunter
Borat
......and finally.........drumroll, please........the winner of the costume contest was a guy who dressed as this guy:
And from the moment he walked in, everyone knew he would win. The costume was just too funny. He was so tall he had to keep ducking in all the doorways.
Despite all of my Paris Hilton accessories, no one knew who the hell I was. Probably because I don't really look like her, even with a blond wig on. Oh well, it was still fun. MJ and I got into a Britney/Paris catfight and VW and CN tried to break it up. We got it on film for posterity's sake, you know. Then she and I made up and were friends.......until we got into another mock cat fight, also on film. It was fun. CN kept arresting everyone.
MJ's pregnant Britney belly was so well-done, some other girls at the party thought she was really pregnant, and when they saw MJ smoking and drinking, they were so offended, they went inside and talked smack! It wasn't until late in the party that they realized she just had a pillow taped to her tummy, so they ran out to tell us what they had thought, and we all had a good laugh.
CN was quite the little social butterfly that night, and I hardly got to talk to him! He was so busy talking to VW, Vermont, Vermont's roommate and The Runner, I didn't even realize he was getting trashed! By the time we left, he was slurring his words. He cracked me up the whole way home.
Somehow, we lost track of Vermont. Rumors circulated of he and Butter having hooked up (which bothered E, because she and Country Boy are on-again, off-again) but I am starting to think those rumors are not true. We still don't know where Vermont spent the night! There was a lot of confusion, drunkenness and phone calls going on. B & E thought we were all following them to a bar, but when we got there, we couldn't find anyone. So it was pretty chaotic by 3 am. No one knew where anyone was. We are still emailing about it, trying to get the facts straight.
CN and I crashed out hard-core and didn't wake up until about 11:30 the next day! I took a shower and then went out to lunch with his parents, who had me in stitches the whole time. After we ate, he and I were total couch potatoes for the rest of the day! I couldn't even stay awake for the USC/Tennessee football game -- CN had to keep waking me up for all the big plays!
And no, I DON'T want to talk about the game. Those refs made terrible calls and that last kick was total.......ok, that's all I'm going to say. *sniff!*
Speaking of USC, you have probably seen this in the news. Please keep these families in your minds today. It's such a sad story. My friend, Butter, knows the family that owns the house that burned down, so this hit pretty close to home for her. And please, since daylight savings is this weekend anyway, use this story as a reminder to check your fire alarms in your home.
Although I'm sad about the students and the football game, I'm going to try and focus on getting excited for Indiana Basketball!!!! The first exhibition game is this Sunday. I would like to just throw out there that the Hoosiers are ranked 9th in the ESPN/USA Today pre-season poll. So for all the UNC, Duke and Kentucky fans (my favorite teams to hate!)-- get ready!!!
But before all of that starts up, I have to say that I am the MOST excited about THIS new season, which starts tonight!!!!
I read in People magazine that there will be an episode this season where Julian McMahon does naked push ups!! Be still my beating heart!!!
Because I talk so much about Julian McMahon's hotness, I think CN is a little bit jealous! But he doesn't have anything to worry about. The chances of me ever meeting Julian are pretty slim. Besides, I highly doubt I'll ever have a conversation like this with Julian:
CN: Hey, I need to take you out on Thursday. We should do something nice.
Me: Oh....kay. Sounds good. But um....why?
CN: It's the first.
It will be our 2 month anniversary. What guy celebrates the 2 month anniversary???? I'm telling you, he's unreal. I didn't even realize the first of the month was our anniversary. Good grief.....
When we got to the party, there were lots of snacks and a keg. There were about 50 people there, I'd say, so it was a good crowd. Here were some of the costumes:
Little Red Riding Hood & Wolf (a couple -- cute idea, huh?)
Batman, Robin and the Joker (three friends)
Roman soldiers (complete with fake, bloody wounds)
a fairy (who smoked like a chimney, which was funny to me)
Jessica Rabbit
a witch
various X-Men characters
Indian princess (that was the hostess)
Dr. Seymour Bush (a "gynecologist" -- get it?)
cowboys/cowgirls
another Burger King guy
a female gangster
a flapper
Catholic school girl & guy (that was E & B)
Cleopatra
Coach Steve Spurrier
Dog, the Bounty Hunter
Borat
......and finally.........drumroll, please........the winner of the costume contest was a guy who dressed as this guy:
And from the moment he walked in, everyone knew he would win. The costume was just too funny. He was so tall he had to keep ducking in all the doorways.
Despite all of my Paris Hilton accessories, no one knew who the hell I was. Probably because I don't really look like her, even with a blond wig on. Oh well, it was still fun. MJ and I got into a Britney/Paris catfight and VW and CN tried to break it up. We got it on film for posterity's sake, you know. Then she and I made up and were friends.......until we got into another mock cat fight, also on film. It was fun. CN kept arresting everyone.
MJ's pregnant Britney belly was so well-done, some other girls at the party thought she was really pregnant, and when they saw MJ smoking and drinking, they were so offended, they went inside and talked smack! It wasn't until late in the party that they realized she just had a pillow taped to her tummy, so they ran out to tell us what they had thought, and we all had a good laugh.
CN was quite the little social butterfly that night, and I hardly got to talk to him! He was so busy talking to VW, Vermont, Vermont's roommate and The Runner, I didn't even realize he was getting trashed! By the time we left, he was slurring his words. He cracked me up the whole way home.
Somehow, we lost track of Vermont. Rumors circulated of he and Butter having hooked up (which bothered E, because she and Country Boy are on-again, off-again) but I am starting to think those rumors are not true. We still don't know where Vermont spent the night! There was a lot of confusion, drunkenness and phone calls going on. B & E thought we were all following them to a bar, but when we got there, we couldn't find anyone. So it was pretty chaotic by 3 am. No one knew where anyone was. We are still emailing about it, trying to get the facts straight.
CN and I crashed out hard-core and didn't wake up until about 11:30 the next day! I took a shower and then went out to lunch with his parents, who had me in stitches the whole time. After we ate, he and I were total couch potatoes for the rest of the day! I couldn't even stay awake for the USC/Tennessee football game -- CN had to keep waking me up for all the big plays!
And no, I DON'T want to talk about the game. Those refs made terrible calls and that last kick was total.......ok, that's all I'm going to say. *sniff!*
Speaking of USC, you have probably seen this in the news. Please keep these families in your minds today. It's such a sad story. My friend, Butter, knows the family that owns the house that burned down, so this hit pretty close to home for her. And please, since daylight savings is this weekend anyway, use this story as a reminder to check your fire alarms in your home.
Although I'm sad about the students and the football game, I'm going to try and focus on getting excited for Indiana Basketball!!!! The first exhibition game is this Sunday. I would like to just throw out there that the Hoosiers are ranked 9th in the ESPN/USA Today pre-season poll. So for all the UNC, Duke and Kentucky fans (my favorite teams to hate!)-- get ready!!!
But before all of that starts up, I have to say that I am the MOST excited about THIS new season, which starts tonight!!!!
I read in People magazine that there will be an episode this season where Julian McMahon does naked push ups!! Be still my beating heart!!!
Because I talk so much about Julian McMahon's hotness, I think CN is a little bit jealous! But he doesn't have anything to worry about. The chances of me ever meeting Julian are pretty slim. Besides, I highly doubt I'll ever have a conversation like this with Julian:
CN: Hey, I need to take you out on Thursday. We should do something nice.
Me: Oh....kay. Sounds good. But um....why?
CN: It's the first.
It will be our 2 month anniversary. What guy celebrates the 2 month anniversary???? I'm telling you, he's unreal. I didn't even realize the first of the month was our anniversary. Good grief.....
Monday, August 13, 2007
The Pick-Up Artist
In case you cannot already tell that my personal life must be deathly boring right now, I will continue on with my dating topic....
So this weekend, I caught the encore presentation of a new VH1 show called "The Pick-Up Artist". Like most new shows these days, this is yet another reality competition show. They have gathered up a group of geeky, shy and/or insecure single men and this guy who calls himself "Mystery" is going to teach them how to pick up chicks. Each week, the weakest link will be eliminated, which will only serve to increase their insecurities, which makes absolutely no sense to me. (If they are doing poorly, don't they need to stay on the show??) The winner gets $50k, and I presume, lots of one night stands with unsuspecting 21 year olds. Anyway, here is the trailer for the show.
I don't know if you can watch episode one on the VH1 website for the show or not, but the site does provide a good background on the show's idea, as well as photos of all the contestants. I am going to summarize the first episode here in this post.
When the show first came on, I thought, "Sweet! This fits in perfectly with my blog!" -- which should really point out how much of a nerd I am. Then I thought, "I bet this show is going to be really bad. It can't be better than 'Beauty and the Geek'." [Note: If you have not watched "Beauty and the Geek", I highly recommend it. The geeky guys get coaching from real, actual women, which is how I think every dating coach show should go.]
There are about 8 guys on this "Pick-Up Artist" show. None of them are going to be SOL. Well, except for the token Ultra Nerd, who seems to be one action figure and 20 years away from being a real-life Andy Stitzer. But the rest of them definitely have hope. A couple of them are pretty cute, actually. One guy claims a lot of girls think he's gay. One guy feels he's too old to be doing this, another guy totally freezes up anytime a cute girl is nearby. But for the most part, they just seem to lack confidence, a surefire way to fail at picking up girls. Like I said, though, there is hope for pretty much all of them.
After "meeting" all of the contestants, I was expecting the coach to be a modern-day James Bond: suave, adult, classy and very masculine. I pictured an incredibly attractive and charming Armani-suit-wearing Calvin Klein underwear model. "Oh, PLEASE be Julian McMahon!" I thought. Who comes out? Some Goth version of Kid Rock. He calls himself "Mystery". My eyeballs almost rolled right out of my head. I think I may have laughed out loud. He had SO many strikes against him, right off the bat, in my book:
1. What's with the pseudonym? How pretentious!
2. The only guys who can wear eyeliner and get away with it are Johnny Depp and David Bowie. But that's IT.
3. Guys who paint their fingernails black? EW. Creepy.
4. What's with the goggles, hats and other costume-y outfits??? It looks stupid. Like he's trying too hard for attention.
5. Long hair??? Didn't that go out about 10 years ago???
So as you can tell, he failed to impress me. At all. "That guy couldn't pick me up if he paid me a million dollars. This ought to be good. I can't wait to rip this 'expert' apart. He's probably just as clueless as his students," I thought, as I settled into my couch, along with my diet coke and animal cookies.
But my eye-rolling wasn't done yet. "Mystery" had assistant coaches: "Matador", a cocky, swarthy, Latino-type guy in a leather jacket and "J-Dog", who with his platinum-bleached hair and black stripes down the side of his head (yes, you read that correctly), struck me as The Guy Who Tries Too Hard, rather than some dating coach. He claims he's an engineer by trade. "Yeah, right. I know so many engineers who sport fur coats and dog-spike collars," I mentally sneered.
"I wouldn't touch any of these guys with a ten-foot pole," I thought. "They are all pretentious, cocky and gimmicky. They look like groupies for some Motley Crue Reunion Tour." *more eye rolling*
I almost changed the channel to alleviate my nausea, but then the contestants started to get under my skin. If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's an Underdog Guy. Much like "Average Joe", I was hooked instantly and rooting for all of them.
After all the initial introductions, they threw these poor, unsuspecting guys as-is into a large bar in Austin, TX. It was full of beautiful co-eds. Each one of the guys failed miserably-- boring approaches, awkward comments, depressing topics and entirely too much staring ensued. One guy turned into a complete wallflower and spoke to no one at all, preferring instead to be the Creepy Guy Alone at a Bar (NEVER EVER be that guy. EVER. It is pick-up suicide). In short, they all crashed and burned. I realize it is important to illustrate to the audience how pathetic these guys are, but it's not like they needed to be reminded! My heart went out to them. They were crushed! One guy was crying! I had no idea it was so challenging and stressful for some guys to even just simply talk to a woman! WOW. My eyes have been opened, and I think I will be a lot nicer to creepy jerks and losers who try and talk to me in bars.
But I digress.
My next thought was, "Wait. These guys are all saying they'd like to have girlfriends, but it looks like this show is trying to get them hook-ups or one-night stands. I'm thinking there was a miscommunication along the way. These are Nice Guys who just need some confidence-building. This Mystery guy sounds like he's going to turn them into players! We don't need more players!!! I wish they would show these guys they don't have to choose between Awkward and Asshole!!!! There is a third choice, and it lies in the middle. It's called Awesome. THAT's what they should be aiming for!!! This show is ticking me off!!!"
I almost chucked my remote at the tv at this point (Ok, not really, but it paints a nice image, right?). Then it cut to a shot of all the guys standing in front of Mystery and crew.
"I'm going to ask you guys a pretty personal question right now," Mystery said.
The guys looked at each other nervously.
"How many of you are virgins?" he asked, bluntly.
HALF THE CONTESTANTS RAISED THEIR HANDS.
I couldn't believe it. The youngest guy on the show is about 25, I think. I had no idea it was so bad. "Holy Shit! Forget girlfriends! These guys need to get laid!!" I thought. "I mean, they just need something to get them over the hump, so to speak. They do need this cocky asshole of a coach! WOW!"
This completely blew my mind, y'all. I mean, I could see firsthand how terrible they were at approaching women, but I thought for SURE they must have had some drunk night in college where they lucked out. Um, not so much! These guys need serious help. Some of them have never had girlfriends. Ever.
Mystery & Crew went over each guy's footage with them (the poor guys were filmed as they tried to pick up girls, as if they needed more stress added to the situation...). And although Mystery, Matador and J-Dog made me want to barf, I have to say, their critiques were DEAD ON. It was like they were taking the words right out of my mouth: "Why did you ask that stupid question? Why do you think that would work? Where is that conversation line even going? Why are you ignoring her friend? Can't you tell by the look on her face that she wants you to go away?" etc. Every criticism and comment illustrated the coaches' PERFECT understanding of how to approach a woman successfully. The best tip I heard? NEVER start out with introductions. Women don't like telling strange guys their name. You can get to names later. "Holy shit. That's absolutely right. I never realized that!" I thought.
To add insult to injury, for the last part of the show, Mystery and his Wingmen went into the same bar, about 30 minutes later and showed the contestants how it's done. The Nice Guys were blown away at their success. The Pick Up Artists (PUAs) were totally opposite in their behavior: confident, interesting, upbeat and fun. And although I cannot STAND the way they dress and look, I have to say that at least they would put me at ease. I can't say they'd be successful at getting my number, but I'd definitely rather talk to them than the insecure guys.
Needless to say, I'll be watching Episode #2 tonight at 9pm EST. Want to join me?
If you want more info about this Mystery guy, check out these websites:
Holy Cow, he's got a Wikipedia entry.
His "Venusian Arts" homepage [Insert eye-rolling here.] It claims to have free tips on there, but all I can find are descriptions of his seminars, which cost a SMALL FORTUNE and are SELLING OUT despite that fact. (This totally blows my mind that guys pay so much money for this!!!) I guess I shouldn't be surprised at all of the plugging. This guy is making a living doing this. This is America, after all.
There's also a blog, which has a video I presume is to illustrate the PUA lifestyle: an endless stream of random, half-naked and beautiful women in your bed. [Insert more eye-rolling and gagging here.] It's not really 100% work-appropriate, btw. I can't believe this is the "ideal" lifestyle for so many men. I would title the video "The Fastest Route to Herpes" if I had my way. Is this guy for real? Do men find this lifestyle fulfilling? Is this what men are honestly striving for?
I guess I don't understand men as well as I thought I did....
Anyway, make sure you catch the video of Mystery's interview on Conan O'Brien. (There's a link to it in the sidebar of the blog I just mentioned.) Conan rips him apart, and it's hilarious. As if I need another reason to love Conan O'Brien! I friggin love that guy. I was actually upset when he got married. That's who I want to approach me in bars! Where are the Conans of the world???
So this weekend, I caught the encore presentation of a new VH1 show called "The Pick-Up Artist". Like most new shows these days, this is yet another reality competition show. They have gathered up a group of geeky, shy and/or insecure single men and this guy who calls himself "Mystery" is going to teach them how to pick up chicks. Each week, the weakest link will be eliminated, which will only serve to increase their insecurities, which makes absolutely no sense to me. (If they are doing poorly, don't they need to stay on the show??) The winner gets $50k, and I presume, lots of one night stands with unsuspecting 21 year olds. Anyway, here is the trailer for the show.
I don't know if you can watch episode one on the VH1 website for the show or not, but the site does provide a good background on the show's idea, as well as photos of all the contestants. I am going to summarize the first episode here in this post.
When the show first came on, I thought, "Sweet! This fits in perfectly with my blog!" -- which should really point out how much of a nerd I am. Then I thought, "I bet this show is going to be really bad. It can't be better than 'Beauty and the Geek'." [Note: If you have not watched "Beauty and the Geek", I highly recommend it. The geeky guys get coaching from real, actual women, which is how I think every dating coach show should go.]
There are about 8 guys on this "Pick-Up Artist" show. None of them are going to be SOL. Well, except for the token Ultra Nerd, who seems to be one action figure and 20 years away from being a real-life Andy Stitzer. But the rest of them definitely have hope. A couple of them are pretty cute, actually. One guy claims a lot of girls think he's gay. One guy feels he's too old to be doing this, another guy totally freezes up anytime a cute girl is nearby. But for the most part, they just seem to lack confidence, a surefire way to fail at picking up girls. Like I said, though, there is hope for pretty much all of them.
After "meeting" all of the contestants, I was expecting the coach to be a modern-day James Bond: suave, adult, classy and very masculine. I pictured an incredibly attractive and charming Armani-suit-wearing Calvin Klein underwear model. "Oh, PLEASE be Julian McMahon!" I thought. Who comes out? Some Goth version of Kid Rock. He calls himself "Mystery". My eyeballs almost rolled right out of my head. I think I may have laughed out loud. He had SO many strikes against him, right off the bat, in my book:
1. What's with the pseudonym? How pretentious!
2. The only guys who can wear eyeliner and get away with it are Johnny Depp and David Bowie. But that's IT.
3. Guys who paint their fingernails black? EW. Creepy.
4. What's with the goggles, hats and other costume-y outfits??? It looks stupid. Like he's trying too hard for attention.
5. Long hair??? Didn't that go out about 10 years ago???
So as you can tell, he failed to impress me. At all. "That guy couldn't pick me up if he paid me a million dollars. This ought to be good. I can't wait to rip this 'expert' apart. He's probably just as clueless as his students," I thought, as I settled into my couch, along with my diet coke and animal cookies.
But my eye-rolling wasn't done yet. "Mystery" had assistant coaches: "Matador", a cocky, swarthy, Latino-type guy in a leather jacket and "J-Dog", who with his platinum-bleached hair and black stripes down the side of his head (yes, you read that correctly), struck me as The Guy Who Tries Too Hard, rather than some dating coach. He claims he's an engineer by trade. "Yeah, right. I know so many engineers who sport fur coats and dog-spike collars," I mentally sneered.
"I wouldn't touch any of these guys with a ten-foot pole," I thought. "They are all pretentious, cocky and gimmicky. They look like groupies for some Motley Crue Reunion Tour." *more eye rolling*
I almost changed the channel to alleviate my nausea, but then the contestants started to get under my skin. If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's an Underdog Guy. Much like "Average Joe", I was hooked instantly and rooting for all of them.
After all the initial introductions, they threw these poor, unsuspecting guys as-is into a large bar in Austin, TX. It was full of beautiful co-eds. Each one of the guys failed miserably-- boring approaches, awkward comments, depressing topics and entirely too much staring ensued. One guy turned into a complete wallflower and spoke to no one at all, preferring instead to be the Creepy Guy Alone at a Bar (NEVER EVER be that guy. EVER. It is pick-up suicide). In short, they all crashed and burned. I realize it is important to illustrate to the audience how pathetic these guys are, but it's not like they needed to be reminded! My heart went out to them. They were crushed! One guy was crying! I had no idea it was so challenging and stressful for some guys to even just simply talk to a woman! WOW. My eyes have been opened, and I think I will be a lot nicer to creepy jerks and losers who try and talk to me in bars.
But I digress.
My next thought was, "Wait. These guys are all saying they'd like to have girlfriends, but it looks like this show is trying to get them hook-ups or one-night stands. I'm thinking there was a miscommunication along the way. These are Nice Guys who just need some confidence-building. This Mystery guy sounds like he's going to turn them into players! We don't need more players!!! I wish they would show these guys they don't have to choose between Awkward and Asshole!!!! There is a third choice, and it lies in the middle. It's called Awesome. THAT's what they should be aiming for!!! This show is ticking me off!!!"
I almost chucked my remote at the tv at this point (Ok, not really, but it paints a nice image, right?). Then it cut to a shot of all the guys standing in front of Mystery and crew.
"I'm going to ask you guys a pretty personal question right now," Mystery said.
The guys looked at each other nervously.
"How many of you are virgins?" he asked, bluntly.
HALF THE CONTESTANTS RAISED THEIR HANDS.
I couldn't believe it. The youngest guy on the show is about 25, I think. I had no idea it was so bad. "Holy Shit! Forget girlfriends! These guys need to get laid!!" I thought. "I mean, they just need something to get them over the hump, so to speak. They do need this cocky asshole of a coach! WOW!"
This completely blew my mind, y'all. I mean, I could see firsthand how terrible they were at approaching women, but I thought for SURE they must have had some drunk night in college where they lucked out. Um, not so much! These guys need serious help. Some of them have never had girlfriends. Ever.
Mystery & Crew went over each guy's footage with them (the poor guys were filmed as they tried to pick up girls, as if they needed more stress added to the situation...). And although Mystery, Matador and J-Dog made me want to barf, I have to say, their critiques were DEAD ON. It was like they were taking the words right out of my mouth: "Why did you ask that stupid question? Why do you think that would work? Where is that conversation line even going? Why are you ignoring her friend? Can't you tell by the look on her face that she wants you to go away?" etc. Every criticism and comment illustrated the coaches' PERFECT understanding of how to approach a woman successfully. The best tip I heard? NEVER start out with introductions. Women don't like telling strange guys their name. You can get to names later. "Holy shit. That's absolutely right. I never realized that!" I thought.
To add insult to injury, for the last part of the show, Mystery and his Wingmen went into the same bar, about 30 minutes later and showed the contestants how it's done. The Nice Guys were blown away at their success. The Pick Up Artists (PUAs) were totally opposite in their behavior: confident, interesting, upbeat and fun. And although I cannot STAND the way they dress and look, I have to say that at least they would put me at ease. I can't say they'd be successful at getting my number, but I'd definitely rather talk to them than the insecure guys.
Needless to say, I'll be watching Episode #2 tonight at 9pm EST. Want to join me?
If you want more info about this Mystery guy, check out these websites:
Holy Cow, he's got a Wikipedia entry.
His "Venusian Arts" homepage [Insert eye-rolling here.] It claims to have free tips on there, but all I can find are descriptions of his seminars, which cost a SMALL FORTUNE and are SELLING OUT despite that fact. (This totally blows my mind that guys pay so much money for this!!!) I guess I shouldn't be surprised at all of the plugging. This guy is making a living doing this. This is America, after all.
There's also a blog, which has a video I presume is to illustrate the PUA lifestyle: an endless stream of random, half-naked and beautiful women in your bed. [Insert more eye-rolling and gagging here.] It's not really 100% work-appropriate, btw. I can't believe this is the "ideal" lifestyle for so many men. I would title the video "The Fastest Route to Herpes" if I had my way. Is this guy for real? Do men find this lifestyle fulfilling? Is this what men are honestly striving for?
I guess I don't understand men as well as I thought I did....
Anyway, make sure you catch the video of Mystery's interview on Conan O'Brien. (There's a link to it in the sidebar of the blog I just mentioned.) Conan rips him apart, and it's hilarious. As if I need another reason to love Conan O'Brien! I friggin love that guy. I was actually upset when he got married. That's who I want to approach me in bars! Where are the Conans of the world???
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Getting to Know Me...
Getting to know all about me....(are you singing the song yet? ha ha!)
I was lucky enough to be double-tagged today. I guess that means I've been tag teamed? LOL
Ah, being a pervert is fun. What do non-pervs do for a laugh?
I love being tagged because...well, who doesn't? I'm thinking this is my reward from the Blog-gods for catching up on a bunch of blogs this week.
First, I am being interviewed by Fluffycat. She asks 5 questions, I have to answer them. Those are the meme's rules. And you know how I feel about rules. Here we go.
1. If you could choose to have a weekend passionate fling with Julian McMahon or a million dollars tax free, which would you choose?
Wow. This is a very tough call. Can I ask for references from his ex-girlfriends before deciding? Because if he doesn't know what he's doing in the sack, then that would just be a waste of time. Then again, he could just lie there.... Hmmm...I'm going to have to go with the moola. As totally kick-ass as that would be, I could really use the money! I have a mortgage now. People own my ass. Sorry, Julian. You will have to settle for more of my dreams where you feature prominently as a sexual object. Hey, wait, if I had a million dollars, I bet I could figure out how to meet him in person anyway...SUH-WEET! I am all about having my cake and eating it, too.
2.What is one book you think every woman should read?
OMG. I have no clue. And I'm a librarian. That is sad. I can recommend books for days, but when you limit me to books for women...There are so many different kinds of women, but I guess I am most familiar with what it's like to be a single woman. So I'm going to go with that facet of femininity. I would recommend The Rules (ooooh, and I am going to catch SO MUCH FLAK for even saying that! I can hear the comments flying in!) because I do honestly believe there is something to be said for playing hard to get. It's not about games or messing with people's minds. It's about self-respect. And whenever I don't follow The Rules, I regret it, every time.
I guess I'm going to have to lump He's Just Not That Into You in here, too. That's another great one, and along the same philosophy lines as The Rules. Greg Behrendt has a 2nd book out, which I believe he co-wrote with his wife, called It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and that is also fantastic.
3. What color would your bridesmaid dresses be if you were getting married in June?
Ok, this question made me laugh out loud. It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything because I probably would have snorted it. This question is equivalent to asking Paris Hilton when she plans on going to med school: Why would you even bother asking this? It's never going to happen. Anyway, I digress. Knowing me, it would be pink. Probably like a fuchsia color, because I think that is the most fun color ever, which my bridesmaids would HATE wearing. So I'd have to change it. Maybe a two-tone dress, combining coral pink and baby pink. But I also like aqua sort of shades, greens like this and maybe a khaki/navy combo. (I saw a wedding once where the bridesmaids wore khaki, and it looked fantastic next to the white wedding gown and bright flowers. And navy and white also look great, IMHO.) So the short answer is: I have no freaking idea. Definitely not red or black. Just not me.
4. What is the first thing you notice when you meet an attractive man?
Ok, so we've established that he's attractive. Woo-hoo! A hottie! Jackpot! Ok, not necessarily. Let me think...probably his level of confidence. After that, brains, and after that, sense of humor. Followed up by a zest for life and kindness. If there's chemistry, too, it's time to place your bets on when he and I will be sucking face.
5. What celebrity are you sick of hearing about?
Ugh, at this point, Anna Nicole Smith. Why is she still in the news??? Let her poor, sad soul rest. And I think all those relatives and friends of hers who have come out of the woodwork and seem to be eying her money should be ashamed of themselves.
I'm not going to say Paris because that girl is like a train wreck -- I want to see just how bad it gets. And I'm not going to say Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, because I am secretly hoping they both get their acts together and have major comebacks.
WOW. That was really fun. Thanks, Fluffycat! Wanna be interviewed by yours truly? Here are the rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Meme #2 of the day is courtesy of Vixen over on Mysterious Meander. (Yes, this is the same blogger who writes Bad Girl's Guide, in case you are wondering.)
I think I'm supposed to explain 5-10 goals I have, and then tag some more people to do the same. Here goes.
1. Learn more. I loooooove learning new stuff. I wish I could be a college student forever. There are so many classes I want to take: history, Italian, drawing, art history, more German, painting, sculpture, Russian, world religions, psychology, criminology, epidemiology, cooking, creative writing, British literature....luckily, I can take one class per semester for free. Woot! I might be taking a German class with MJ soon, actually. We were talking about doing that. I'd better get on the ball if I'm going to be fluent in 5 languages before I croak.
2. Find a career that I truly love. I have been working on this for a long time, and it's been a constant battle for me, as my passions lie in career paths which do not pay well. And it's hard to enjoy your wonderfully fulfilling job if you're terrified of your bills. If you want the complete story, I have posted about this in this post. (Heads up: it's a very long post!)
3. Have kids. Notice I do not say anything about having a husband. Yes, it would be peachy keen if I had someone other than my mother to call when I have good news. And a guaranteed resource for sex-on-demand would also be fantastic. But I could do it on my own. I can see myself doing the whole single-mom thing. I doubt I'd ever go the sperm bank route, though. Just personal reasons. I mean, why have labor if you don't have to? If I hit 35 and have no hubby, I'm going to start looking into becoming a foster parent. Having kids in my life is something which would make me feel incredibly fulfilled. And I think the foster care system in this country is effed up beyond belief, so I'd like to make a difference, even if it's only with one child.
4. Travel more! This is going to be my next New Year's Resolution, I can tell. I love traveling and I haven't been out of the country since December 2000. There is nothing like traveling to make you learn about yourself and the world as a whole. It gives you a new perspective on life. Sounds cheesy, but it really does. And there are so many wonderful places to go!! On my list of stateside spots: Vegas, NYC, Miami, New Orleans, Texas and California. Abroad, I'm thinking the Caribbean, Ireland, Britain, Scotland, Germany, Russia, Prague, Thailand.....wherever, really!
5. Be better with money! That means saving, paying off debt, making sure my retirement plans are okie dokie, learning more about how to invest wisely, understanding how to save money on my taxes....you name it. I'm cheap in some ways, but for the most part, I'm a spender. Not something I'm super proud of. I'd like to change that. (Also, if I start saving money, I can do #4, so this one is a double-whammy).
6. Make more memories with my family. It's terrible to say, but you never truly appreciate your family until you lose a member. When I think about all the times I could have talked to my dad or my brother and chose to watch tv or talk to a friend instead, it just kills me. I could have been really bonding with them in ways far beyond quick small talk at the dinner table. I want to take trips, have more inside jokes, more phone calls and just generally be there for my siblings and Mom. Much more than I have been. Don't get me wrong -- my family is miles from where we used to be. Now my brothers and I call each other about once a month and catch up. And I just love that. But the whole seeing each other only at Christmas? I really want to change that. It might mean moving back to Virginia eventually, I don't know.
If I can do all these things, I will die a happy girl.
Ok, who to tag....how about Single Guy Blogging, Low Tide, RWA, Mieke, Coco and Jonathan?
I was lucky enough to be double-tagged today. I guess that means I've been tag teamed? LOL
Ah, being a pervert is fun. What do non-pervs do for a laugh?
I love being tagged because...well, who doesn't? I'm thinking this is my reward from the Blog-gods for catching up on a bunch of blogs this week.
First, I am being interviewed by Fluffycat. She asks 5 questions, I have to answer them. Those are the meme's rules. And you know how I feel about rules. Here we go.
1. If you could choose to have a weekend passionate fling with Julian McMahon or a million dollars tax free, which would you choose?
Wow. This is a very tough call. Can I ask for references from his ex-girlfriends before deciding? Because if he doesn't know what he's doing in the sack, then that would just be a waste of time. Then again, he could just lie there.... Hmmm...I'm going to have to go with the moola. As totally kick-ass as that would be, I could really use the money! I have a mortgage now. People own my ass. Sorry, Julian. You will have to settle for more of my dreams where you feature prominently as a sexual object. Hey, wait, if I had a million dollars, I bet I could figure out how to meet him in person anyway...SUH-WEET! I am all about having my cake and eating it, too.
2.What is one book you think every woman should read?
OMG. I have no clue. And I'm a librarian. That is sad. I can recommend books for days, but when you limit me to books for women...There are so many different kinds of women, but I guess I am most familiar with what it's like to be a single woman. So I'm going to go with that facet of femininity. I would recommend The Rules (ooooh, and I am going to catch SO MUCH FLAK for even saying that! I can hear the comments flying in!) because I do honestly believe there is something to be said for playing hard to get. It's not about games or messing with people's minds. It's about self-respect. And whenever I don't follow The Rules, I regret it, every time.
I guess I'm going to have to lump He's Just Not That Into You in here, too. That's another great one, and along the same philosophy lines as The Rules. Greg Behrendt has a 2nd book out, which I believe he co-wrote with his wife, called It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and that is also fantastic.
3. What color would your bridesmaid dresses be if you were getting married in June?
Ok, this question made me laugh out loud. It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything because I probably would have snorted it. This question is equivalent to asking Paris Hilton when she plans on going to med school: Why would you even bother asking this? It's never going to happen. Anyway, I digress. Knowing me, it would be pink. Probably like a fuchsia color, because I think that is the most fun color ever, which my bridesmaids would HATE wearing. So I'd have to change it. Maybe a two-tone dress, combining coral pink and baby pink. But I also like aqua sort of shades, greens like this and maybe a khaki/navy combo. (I saw a wedding once where the bridesmaids wore khaki, and it looked fantastic next to the white wedding gown and bright flowers. And navy and white also look great, IMHO.) So the short answer is: I have no freaking idea. Definitely not red or black. Just not me.
4. What is the first thing you notice when you meet an attractive man?
Ok, so we've established that he's attractive. Woo-hoo! A hottie! Jackpot! Ok, not necessarily. Let me think...probably his level of confidence. After that, brains, and after that, sense of humor. Followed up by a zest for life and kindness. If there's chemistry, too, it's time to place your bets on when he and I will be sucking face.
5. What celebrity are you sick of hearing about?
Ugh, at this point, Anna Nicole Smith. Why is she still in the news??? Let her poor, sad soul rest. And I think all those relatives and friends of hers who have come out of the woodwork and seem to be eying her money should be ashamed of themselves.
I'm not going to say Paris because that girl is like a train wreck -- I want to see just how bad it gets. And I'm not going to say Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, because I am secretly hoping they both get their acts together and have major comebacks.
WOW. That was really fun. Thanks, Fluffycat! Wanna be interviewed by yours truly? Here are the rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Meme #2 of the day is courtesy of Vixen over on Mysterious Meander. (Yes, this is the same blogger who writes Bad Girl's Guide, in case you are wondering.)
I think I'm supposed to explain 5-10 goals I have, and then tag some more people to do the same. Here goes.
1. Learn more. I loooooove learning new stuff. I wish I could be a college student forever. There are so many classes I want to take: history, Italian, drawing, art history, more German, painting, sculpture, Russian, world religions, psychology, criminology, epidemiology, cooking, creative writing, British literature....luckily, I can take one class per semester for free. Woot! I might be taking a German class with MJ soon, actually. We were talking about doing that. I'd better get on the ball if I'm going to be fluent in 5 languages before I croak.
2. Find a career that I truly love. I have been working on this for a long time, and it's been a constant battle for me, as my passions lie in career paths which do not pay well. And it's hard to enjoy your wonderfully fulfilling job if you're terrified of your bills. If you want the complete story, I have posted about this in this post. (Heads up: it's a very long post!)
3. Have kids. Notice I do not say anything about having a husband. Yes, it would be peachy keen if I had someone other than my mother to call when I have good news. And a guaranteed resource for sex-on-demand would also be fantastic. But I could do it on my own. I can see myself doing the whole single-mom thing. I doubt I'd ever go the sperm bank route, though. Just personal reasons. I mean, why have labor if you don't have to? If I hit 35 and have no hubby, I'm going to start looking into becoming a foster parent. Having kids in my life is something which would make me feel incredibly fulfilled. And I think the foster care system in this country is effed up beyond belief, so I'd like to make a difference, even if it's only with one child.
4. Travel more! This is going to be my next New Year's Resolution, I can tell. I love traveling and I haven't been out of the country since December 2000. There is nothing like traveling to make you learn about yourself and the world as a whole. It gives you a new perspective on life. Sounds cheesy, but it really does. And there are so many wonderful places to go!! On my list of stateside spots: Vegas, NYC, Miami, New Orleans, Texas and California. Abroad, I'm thinking the Caribbean, Ireland, Britain, Scotland, Germany, Russia, Prague, Thailand.....wherever, really!
5. Be better with money! That means saving, paying off debt, making sure my retirement plans are okie dokie, learning more about how to invest wisely, understanding how to save money on my taxes....you name it. I'm cheap in some ways, but for the most part, I'm a spender. Not something I'm super proud of. I'd like to change that. (Also, if I start saving money, I can do #4, so this one is a double-whammy).
6. Make more memories with my family. It's terrible to say, but you never truly appreciate your family until you lose a member. When I think about all the times I could have talked to my dad or my brother and chose to watch tv or talk to a friend instead, it just kills me. I could have been really bonding with them in ways far beyond quick small talk at the dinner table. I want to take trips, have more inside jokes, more phone calls and just generally be there for my siblings and Mom. Much more than I have been. Don't get me wrong -- my family is miles from where we used to be. Now my brothers and I call each other about once a month and catch up. And I just love that. But the whole seeing each other only at Christmas? I really want to change that. It might mean moving back to Virginia eventually, I don't know.
If I can do all these things, I will die a happy girl.
Ok, who to tag....how about Single Guy Blogging, Low Tide, RWA, Mieke, Coco and Jonathan?
Monday, April 16, 2007
Hormones & Nyquil
That's right, another ADD post from VB. Enjoy, readers.
So, I am having MAJOR cabin fever today. I called in sick and have been at home all. day. long. And I really am sick (bad cold), so I would feel guilty going anywhere, even though now, at dinnertime, I am feeling a little better. I would really like to go to Target and Petsmart, actually.....but alas, the guilt is stopping me. That and the fact that putting my contacts in and makeup on at this point in the day sounds like entirely too much work.
I haven't talked to anyone today, either, other than a brief conversation with The Czarina, so I am starved for human contact. Hence, post #2 for today. If I can't talk to anyone in real life, I might as well talk to myself in the virtual world.
My hormones are raging. And not in the 13 year-old boy way. I am poster child for PMS. Don't worry, male readers, I'm not going into gory detail. Sheesh. But I am giving examples of my hormone-induced behavior:
1. Yelling at my dogs for wanting me to throw their squeaky toy AGAIN. (Right, because they are doing it to annoy me....In reality, we all know they are just being dogs.) Seriously, my dogs have no idea that they are risking their lives by whining and nudging me right now. Their toy is under the desk, they can't reach it and I do NOT feel like getting it for the 813th time. There needs to be a Canine Homicide Prevention Hotline. Like 1-800-SAV-FIDO or something. I would call it right now.
2. It is taking every ounce of my willpower right now to NOT get up, turn on the oven, and bake a chocolate cake, frost it with chocolate icing and eat the whole goddamn thing before I go to bed. It is terrifying to me how delicious that sounds. I want chocolate cake more than anything in the whole world right now. Every cell in my body is crying out for it.
3. When my alarm went off this morning, I felt like I had been drugged. Seriously, my body was like, "Whaaaa??? Awake??? You must be kidding. We just got hit by a mack truck and then someone put roofies in the diet coke last night. Anything in a vertical position is totally out of the question at this time. Try again at, say, noon."
Then again, it could have been the Nyquil. Nyquil effs me up pretty bad.
Excuse me while I bludgeon my pets with my shoe.....ok, back.
No, I didn't hit my dogs. I got the stupid blue ball for them. Jaysus their lives revolve around having access to the "right" toy. The red squeaky is apparently "so" early afternoon. At 8pm, they want the blue ball. Nothing else will do. Aaaaaargh.
Where was I? Oh yes, Nyquil.
So I don't think I'm going to take it tonight. I will just toss and turn and cough. Because I really don't like that drugged feeling in the morning, and the dreams are getting very VERY strange. Not bad, just weird.
Nyquil Dream #1: I dreamt I sold my cute, little new house and bought a BIG, old, beat up '70s Tudor-style ranch. How very Brady Bunch of me. Anyway, the house needed a LOT of work done to it, but this decision made total sense to me for some reason, despite the fact that the vast majority of the interior was dark wood paneling. The majority of the dream involved my explaining the decision to several people -- friends, family, coworkers -- and them all agreeing with me. Apparently, Dream VB has some fantastic persuasive skills. I was attempting to throw a housewarming party in this P.O.S. house as I was convincing everyone this was a great idea.
Nyquil Dream #2: I was with a group of people (I can't remember exactly who, but I think my little sister and MJ were there) and we were in this sort of mall/theme park place. Imagine an indoor theme park. Which looks like a mall. I told you it was weird. So we are in an ice cream parlor, enjoying some frozen treats, when I excuse myself from the rest of the group to use the bathroom. I walk into the bathroom.....to find not a regular American public restroom, but a large room which serves as someone's home theater. Only this person must be a kid, because it's decorated with bean bag chairs and bright colors--very kiddie sort of decorating style. There are at least a dozen tiers of seating levels, each level having 3-4 purple couches and a couple of bean bag chairs on it. So this room seats like 200 people. And the seating goes from floor to ceiling, so the room is very tall. I'd say the height would be about 50 feet or so. So, I have totally forgotten that I have to pee because I'm just staring in awe of this room. I turn around, expecting to see some kind of gigantic movie screen for the movies. I was disappointed to find only a 33" television set, embedded into the wall. Woe to the people who are sitting at the back of the room! "Well, that's a crappy tv for a room like this," I thought. Then I went to find the bathroom. It was just a half bath. How ironic, considering the number of people the room can hold.
Oh, I have a Hot Neighbor update. Well, not so much as an update as more depressing evidence that things are never going to happen between us and I will wither away into an old lady, living alone with her dogs and lusting after her even older wheelchair-bound neighbor. In 30 years, he and I will probably still be having awkward conversations in the driveways, the only difference is that we will be sharing stories of our arthritis or the latest AARP news, rather than our weekend plans. *sigh*
Ok, I have a point, I promise. So I decided to make some salmon this past weekend (I promise I will post the recipe on Virginia Cooks). I was craving it and I really felt like cooking. I invited MJ and KT over to eat with me. KT couldn't go, so I had an extra piece of salmon. I began to cook it anyway, and since it was nice outside, I had my front windows open. I heard HN come home. Then I heard lots of commotion and the voices of little children. I went out to my front porch (see? I'm trying!) to find him playing with a puppy and talking to his two little girls. Too cute. The puppy looked like a fluffy black cotton ball and was about the size of my hand. Awwww. Even cuter. I asked him about the puppy. It turns out his ex-wife had bought it and he was dog-sitting for her. So he had kids and a puppy for the weekend. He wasn't too happy about it. He made a comment about how the puppy was tearing up his house. I offered to let him borrow some carpet spray, and he gladly took me up on the offer.
I came back out with the spray, handed it to him and told him that I had some extra salmon if he was interested (see? I'm trying!). He said that sounded great, but he wished I had told him earlier. I said I could make up a plate and bring it over. Just then, a pizza delivery guy pulled up to his house. "Yeah, I just ordered a pizza. But thanks anyway! I'll bring the spray back over later."
Can you believe he would rather eat crappy Domino's rather than baked salmon with a homemade, spicy citrus sauce??? WTF??? I mean, pizza can be eaten later. It keeps for days. It's great for breakfast. What guy would rather eat pizza than a homecooked meal served up by a cute (if I do say so myself) next-door neighbor??? Total bullshit, if you ask me.
I don't even think he knows my name. Yesterday, he was leaving to go somewhere and he said, "Hey, Neighbor!" Aaargh. Why do I waste my time even thinking about him? It's time to accept the fact that it's never going to happen.
I am doomed to live and die alone. It's just not going to happen for me. Soon, I will be at that age where all my relatives start asking me, "So, Virginia, why aren't you married?" and I can reply with, "Because no one has ever asked me." Waaaaaaaah! Woe is me!!!!!!
I have been having thoughts like this since Saturday. More evidence (Example #4, actually) of how freaking hormonal I am right now. I always have absurdly negative thoughts when I'm PMSing.
Maybe when K moves out at the end of the month, I can just start walking around my house totally naked and "accidentally" leave the blinds up. You think he'd remember my name then? LOL
In other boy news....the Rat Pack has invited me, MJ and KT to visit them. Woot!! I guess they take an annual trip up to Vermont and hang out at a lakehouse every summer. Usually, it's guys only, but I guess we are so cool, we made the cut this year. So we are going up sometime later this summer--June or July. And no, I don't know if The Magician is going or not. That's not why I'm going. Besides, he's also on the list of Men Who are Obviously Not Interested in Me.
Dammit, that list is getting long. Luckily, I don't have to put Julian McMahon on there, because he doesn't know me. So technically speaking, he could be extremely interested in me and not even know it. Sweet.
Oh crap. Haven't told you about my weekend yet. Let's see. Not super eventful. Friday night I was at this very nasty, beat up old bar, full of old people who were shagging. Seriously, it smelled like an ashtray in there and we were the only people in the bar not receiving social security checks in the mail. It was on the way to the next place we had to go, and E wanted a drink ASAP, so we went there first. E got into an argument with an old guy, which was pretty funny. She was getting belligerent almost. I didn't feel well for most of the night, and ended up going home pretty early.
Saturday night I went bowling with MJ, my friend Mr. Bill and a bunch of other people. The bowling balls were greased up with something, which of course, led to several jokes and much giggling. I suck at bowling. I think I bowled like a 39 on the first game. (I think this was the first time I've gone bowling in at least 5 years, so cut me some slack!) I did get 2 strikes on the next game, though. Just had to warm up, you know.
The rest of the weekend was spent watching tv on my couch, because I felt like crap most of the time. I saw the CUTEST movie ever. And if you have kids, they can watch it with you, because it's rated PG. It's called Little Manhattan and it's about a 5th grade boy who falls in love with this little girl in his karate class. Seriously, this movie is too cute. Plus, it has the actress who plays Miranda on "Sex and the City" in it. Love her.
I wish I wasn't sick right now so I could go to the gym. I am ready to lose more weight. I have been stuck at 15 pounds for like a month now. But I didn't feel well all last week, either--my cold actually started last week. I can feel the fat creeping back on....which I guess means it wouldn't be THAT big of a deal if I went out and got one little piece of chocolate cake real quick...this place called Rush's (a local fast food chain) has this thing called a Hot Fudge Cake. There is ice cream involved. It's pretty damn good. And I really need to get outside of these four walls.....
So, I am having MAJOR cabin fever today. I called in sick and have been at home all. day. long. And I really am sick (bad cold), so I would feel guilty going anywhere, even though now, at dinnertime, I am feeling a little better. I would really like to go to Target and Petsmart, actually.....but alas, the guilt is stopping me. That and the fact that putting my contacts in and makeup on at this point in the day sounds like entirely too much work.
I haven't talked to anyone today, either, other than a brief conversation with The Czarina, so I am starved for human contact. Hence, post #2 for today. If I can't talk to anyone in real life, I might as well talk to myself in the virtual world.
My hormones are raging. And not in the 13 year-old boy way. I am poster child for PMS. Don't worry, male readers, I'm not going into gory detail. Sheesh. But I am giving examples of my hormone-induced behavior:
1. Yelling at my dogs for wanting me to throw their squeaky toy AGAIN. (Right, because they are doing it to annoy me....In reality, we all know they are just being dogs.) Seriously, my dogs have no idea that they are risking their lives by whining and nudging me right now. Their toy is under the desk, they can't reach it and I do NOT feel like getting it for the 813th time. There needs to be a Canine Homicide Prevention Hotline. Like 1-800-SAV-FIDO or something. I would call it right now.
2. It is taking every ounce of my willpower right now to NOT get up, turn on the oven, and bake a chocolate cake, frost it with chocolate icing and eat the whole goddamn thing before I go to bed. It is terrifying to me how delicious that sounds. I want chocolate cake more than anything in the whole world right now. Every cell in my body is crying out for it.
3. When my alarm went off this morning, I felt like I had been drugged. Seriously, my body was like, "Whaaaa??? Awake??? You must be kidding. We just got hit by a mack truck and then someone put roofies in the diet coke last night. Anything in a vertical position is totally out of the question at this time. Try again at, say, noon."
Then again, it could have been the Nyquil. Nyquil effs me up pretty bad.
Excuse me while I bludgeon my pets with my shoe.....ok, back.
No, I didn't hit my dogs. I got the stupid blue ball for them. Jaysus their lives revolve around having access to the "right" toy. The red squeaky is apparently "so" early afternoon. At 8pm, they want the blue ball. Nothing else will do. Aaaaaargh.
Where was I? Oh yes, Nyquil.
So I don't think I'm going to take it tonight. I will just toss and turn and cough. Because I really don't like that drugged feeling in the morning, and the dreams are getting very VERY strange. Not bad, just weird.
Nyquil Dream #1: I dreamt I sold my cute, little new house and bought a BIG, old, beat up '70s Tudor-style ranch. How very Brady Bunch of me. Anyway, the house needed a LOT of work done to it, but this decision made total sense to me for some reason, despite the fact that the vast majority of the interior was dark wood paneling. The majority of the dream involved my explaining the decision to several people -- friends, family, coworkers -- and them all agreeing with me. Apparently, Dream VB has some fantastic persuasive skills. I was attempting to throw a housewarming party in this P.O.S. house as I was convincing everyone this was a great idea.
Nyquil Dream #2: I was with a group of people (I can't remember exactly who, but I think my little sister and MJ were there) and we were in this sort of mall/theme park place. Imagine an indoor theme park. Which looks like a mall. I told you it was weird. So we are in an ice cream parlor, enjoying some frozen treats, when I excuse myself from the rest of the group to use the bathroom. I walk into the bathroom.....to find not a regular American public restroom, but a large room which serves as someone's home theater. Only this person must be a kid, because it's decorated with bean bag chairs and bright colors--very kiddie sort of decorating style. There are at least a dozen tiers of seating levels, each level having 3-4 purple couches and a couple of bean bag chairs on it. So this room seats like 200 people. And the seating goes from floor to ceiling, so the room is very tall. I'd say the height would be about 50 feet or so. So, I have totally forgotten that I have to pee because I'm just staring in awe of this room. I turn around, expecting to see some kind of gigantic movie screen for the movies. I was disappointed to find only a 33" television set, embedded into the wall. Woe to the people who are sitting at the back of the room! "Well, that's a crappy tv for a room like this," I thought. Then I went to find the bathroom. It was just a half bath. How ironic, considering the number of people the room can hold.
Oh, I have a Hot Neighbor update. Well, not so much as an update as more depressing evidence that things are never going to happen between us and I will wither away into an old lady, living alone with her dogs and lusting after her even older wheelchair-bound neighbor. In 30 years, he and I will probably still be having awkward conversations in the driveways, the only difference is that we will be sharing stories of our arthritis or the latest AARP news, rather than our weekend plans. *sigh*
Ok, I have a point, I promise. So I decided to make some salmon this past weekend (I promise I will post the recipe on Virginia Cooks). I was craving it and I really felt like cooking. I invited MJ and KT over to eat with me. KT couldn't go, so I had an extra piece of salmon. I began to cook it anyway, and since it was nice outside, I had my front windows open. I heard HN come home. Then I heard lots of commotion and the voices of little children. I went out to my front porch (see? I'm trying!) to find him playing with a puppy and talking to his two little girls. Too cute. The puppy looked like a fluffy black cotton ball and was about the size of my hand. Awwww. Even cuter. I asked him about the puppy. It turns out his ex-wife had bought it and he was dog-sitting for her. So he had kids and a puppy for the weekend. He wasn't too happy about it. He made a comment about how the puppy was tearing up his house. I offered to let him borrow some carpet spray, and he gladly took me up on the offer.
I came back out with the spray, handed it to him and told him that I had some extra salmon if he was interested (see? I'm trying!). He said that sounded great, but he wished I had told him earlier. I said I could make up a plate and bring it over. Just then, a pizza delivery guy pulled up to his house. "Yeah, I just ordered a pizza. But thanks anyway! I'll bring the spray back over later."
Can you believe he would rather eat crappy Domino's rather than baked salmon with a homemade, spicy citrus sauce??? WTF??? I mean, pizza can be eaten later. It keeps for days. It's great for breakfast. What guy would rather eat pizza than a homecooked meal served up by a cute (if I do say so myself) next-door neighbor??? Total bullshit, if you ask me.
I don't even think he knows my name. Yesterday, he was leaving to go somewhere and he said, "Hey, Neighbor!" Aaargh. Why do I waste my time even thinking about him? It's time to accept the fact that it's never going to happen.
I am doomed to live and die alone. It's just not going to happen for me. Soon, I will be at that age where all my relatives start asking me, "So, Virginia, why aren't you married?" and I can reply with, "Because no one has ever asked me." Waaaaaaaah! Woe is me!!!!!!
I have been having thoughts like this since Saturday. More evidence (Example #4, actually) of how freaking hormonal I am right now. I always have absurdly negative thoughts when I'm PMSing.
Maybe when K moves out at the end of the month, I can just start walking around my house totally naked and "accidentally" leave the blinds up. You think he'd remember my name then? LOL
In other boy news....the Rat Pack has invited me, MJ and KT to visit them. Woot!! I guess they take an annual trip up to Vermont and hang out at a lakehouse every summer. Usually, it's guys only, but I guess we are so cool, we made the cut this year. So we are going up sometime later this summer--June or July. And no, I don't know if The Magician is going or not. That's not why I'm going. Besides, he's also on the list of Men Who are Obviously Not Interested in Me.
Dammit, that list is getting long. Luckily, I don't have to put Julian McMahon on there, because he doesn't know me. So technically speaking, he could be extremely interested in me and not even know it. Sweet.
Oh crap. Haven't told you about my weekend yet. Let's see. Not super eventful. Friday night I was at this very nasty, beat up old bar, full of old people who were shagging. Seriously, it smelled like an ashtray in there and we were the only people in the bar not receiving social security checks in the mail. It was on the way to the next place we had to go, and E wanted a drink ASAP, so we went there first. E got into an argument with an old guy, which was pretty funny. She was getting belligerent almost. I didn't feel well for most of the night, and ended up going home pretty early.
Saturday night I went bowling with MJ, my friend Mr. Bill and a bunch of other people. The bowling balls were greased up with something, which of course, led to several jokes and much giggling. I suck at bowling. I think I bowled like a 39 on the first game. (I think this was the first time I've gone bowling in at least 5 years, so cut me some slack!) I did get 2 strikes on the next game, though. Just had to warm up, you know.
The rest of the weekend was spent watching tv on my couch, because I felt like crap most of the time. I saw the CUTEST movie ever. And if you have kids, they can watch it with you, because it's rated PG. It's called Little Manhattan and it's about a 5th grade boy who falls in love with this little girl in his karate class. Seriously, this movie is too cute. Plus, it has the actress who plays Miranda on "Sex and the City" in it. Love her.
I wish I wasn't sick right now so I could go to the gym. I am ready to lose more weight. I have been stuck at 15 pounds for like a month now. But I didn't feel well all last week, either--my cold actually started last week. I can feel the fat creeping back on....which I guess means it wouldn't be THAT big of a deal if I went out and got one little piece of chocolate cake real quick...this place called Rush's (a local fast food chain) has this thing called a Hot Fudge Cake. There is ice cream involved. It's pretty damn good. And I really need to get outside of these four walls.....
Monday, April 09, 2007
Nostalgia
Time for me to bore you with my weekend update. Friday was another wonderful evening with the lovely Happy Hour Girls. We all caught up on our "mens" -- or in my case, lack thereof.
Saturday morning, K and I made breakfast for Navy Guy using my new griddle. We had french toast just like Czarina's, scrambled eggs and turkey bacon. (Ever had turkey bacon? Dude, it's good. Try it.) Mmmmm....every day should start with a heaping dose of fat, salt, maple syrup and orange juice. (Diet? Who's on a diet? I don't know anyone...)
Saturday afternoon, I went with MJ and KT to a car show. I didn't realize she was such a big fan of cars...too bad the show was pretty small. We did see some cool cars, though. Then, in keeping with our nostalgic theme of the day, we went to Steak n Shake. For those of you who are not familiar with this restaurant, let me send you some virtual sympathy. You poor, poor thing. Get in your car and drive to the nearest one. Whadda ya mean it's 8 hours away? I said go. Don't worry, you will forget all about the drive as soon as you get a long, cool sip of one of their hand-scooped milkshakes. Mmmmm....
MJ and KT had never been, so I had to enlighten them. It's a 1950s-style burger/fries/shake kind of chain restaurant. I love them because:
1. They have fantastic milkshakes.
2. Their burgers have crispy edges and lots of big pickles.
3. Their chili is awesome on a cold day.
4. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And now they take Visa.
They are everywhere in Indiana (sort of like how there's a Waffle House on every corner in SC), so going there always takes me back to Friday nights in high school, when every teenager in a 15 mile radius would descend on the poor staff of the local Steak n Shake. In college, I would meet up with friends there to talk and smoke for hours on end. So I have a lot of great Steak n Shake memories. They don't exist in Virginia, so I was very excited to see one when I moved here. I am the envy of my family, to be exact. The Belle family loves S&S.
After gorging ourselves on burgers and milkshakes (diet? what diet?), we hit some thrift stores. After looking at old furniture that looked like something from Grandma's house, we discovered a box of (get this) 8 tracks! I can't even remember the last time I have seen one. I think I was about 7 years old.
I ended up falling asleep on my couch on Saturday night -- wow, how exciting. I watched Best in Show before passing out, though. It was very disappointing. There are a couple of characters I liked (the gay couple and the yuppie couple were hysterical), but otherwise, this movie was lame.
Sunday, I cleaned the disgusting pig-hole known as my house. I cleaned all. day. long. I think I went through about 15 sheets on my lint roller. (It's dog hair city at my place.) I watched Mean Girls as I cleaned. I had forgotten how funny that movie is! By dinnertime, I was too tired to make anything and too grungy to go out to eat. So K and I got a pizza. (Diet? I don't know what you're talking about.) Well, eventually, anyway. It turns out, my house is located in the only part of town that Papa John's won't deliver to. If you go 15 minutes in any direction from my house, you can get to a Papa John's. But none of them will deliver to my house. I don't live in a bad neighborhood, just outside of their little delivery area. I thought this was bulls--t, and I *ahem* said so. Because, last I checked, pizza delivery guys could use the money. And I would swear on all things holy that they have delivered to my house before. But whatever. I just drove up to the Domino's around the corner, waited 10 minutes (for a far inferior, yet cheaper, take-out pizza) and got over it.
But Papa is on my list, now. He'd better be glad I don't have any mafia connections.
I haven't told you about my dream I had! Ok, it's so sad to say this, but it was practically the highlight of my weekend.
I had a dream that I had sex with Julian McMahon!!!! Yeah! It was awesome. Well, ok, I think it was awesome. I don't remember the actual sex part. (Maybe it was so good, my memory just couldn't handle it? And so it blocked it out??) My recollection starts when he gets up to go take a shower after we do it. I am removing my clothes (yeah, I don't get it either--maybe we had been too into it to bother with clothing removal?), telling him I'll be joining him in the shower in just a second (RAWR!) when I look over at his dresser.
There's a thing of woman's deodorant sitting on the dresser. And it's not mine. The asshole is too
dense/arrogant to even hide the most obvious piece of evidence of another woman.
That's the end of the dream -- me, naked, holding some other woman's deodorant.
How sad is it that I even have cynical dreams???? *sigh*
Ok, enough fooling around. I know why you're here. You are expecting some kind of Hot Neighbor update, aren't you? Something about lasagna, or me doing some weeding in my front yard, wearing nothing but a bikini. You want me to say that he and I had wild, hot, dirty monkey sex on his living room floor, don't you? Or that he's taking me out to dinner next Saturday.
You'd probably even settle for me saying something optimistically cliche about fate, or waiting for things to happen at the right time, or taking my life into my own hands and making things happen, not living in fear of rejection, that kind of thing. Am I right?
Well, sorry folks. The only Hot Neighbor update I have for you is this: He was gone most of the weekend. Right up until Sunday night, when the Wednesday Skank pulled into his driveway in her shiny, new convertible.
Wednesday Skank -- 2, Virginia Belle -- 0
Game over, folks.
Saturday morning, K and I made breakfast for Navy Guy using my new griddle. We had french toast just like Czarina's, scrambled eggs and turkey bacon. (Ever had turkey bacon? Dude, it's good. Try it.) Mmmmm....every day should start with a heaping dose of fat, salt, maple syrup and orange juice. (Diet? Who's on a diet? I don't know anyone...)
Saturday afternoon, I went with MJ and KT to a car show. I didn't realize she was such a big fan of cars...too bad the show was pretty small. We did see some cool cars, though. Then, in keeping with our nostalgic theme of the day, we went to Steak n Shake. For those of you who are not familiar with this restaurant, let me send you some virtual sympathy. You poor, poor thing. Get in your car and drive to the nearest one. Whadda ya mean it's 8 hours away? I said go. Don't worry, you will forget all about the drive as soon as you get a long, cool sip of one of their hand-scooped milkshakes. Mmmmm....
MJ and KT had never been, so I had to enlighten them. It's a 1950s-style burger/fries/shake kind of chain restaurant. I love them because:
1. They have fantastic milkshakes.
2. Their burgers have crispy edges and lots of big pickles.
3. Their chili is awesome on a cold day.
4. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And now they take Visa.
They are everywhere in Indiana (sort of like how there's a Waffle House on every corner in SC), so going there always takes me back to Friday nights in high school, when every teenager in a 15 mile radius would descend on the poor staff of the local Steak n Shake. In college, I would meet up with friends there to talk and smoke for hours on end. So I have a lot of great Steak n Shake memories. They don't exist in Virginia, so I was very excited to see one when I moved here. I am the envy of my family, to be exact. The Belle family loves S&S.
After gorging ourselves on burgers and milkshakes (diet? what diet?), we hit some thrift stores. After looking at old furniture that looked like something from Grandma's house, we discovered a box of (get this) 8 tracks! I can't even remember the last time I have seen one. I think I was about 7 years old.
I ended up falling asleep on my couch on Saturday night -- wow, how exciting. I watched Best in Show before passing out, though. It was very disappointing. There are a couple of characters I liked (the gay couple and the yuppie couple were hysterical), but otherwise, this movie was lame.
Sunday, I cleaned the disgusting pig-hole known as my house. I cleaned all. day. long. I think I went through about 15 sheets on my lint roller. (It's dog hair city at my place.) I watched Mean Girls as I cleaned. I had forgotten how funny that movie is! By dinnertime, I was too tired to make anything and too grungy to go out to eat. So K and I got a pizza. (Diet? I don't know what you're talking about.) Well, eventually, anyway. It turns out, my house is located in the only part of town that Papa John's won't deliver to. If you go 15 minutes in any direction from my house, you can get to a Papa John's. But none of them will deliver to my house. I don't live in a bad neighborhood, just outside of their little delivery area. I thought this was bulls--t, and I *ahem* said so. Because, last I checked, pizza delivery guys could use the money. And I would swear on all things holy that they have delivered to my house before. But whatever. I just drove up to the Domino's around the corner, waited 10 minutes (for a far inferior, yet cheaper, take-out pizza) and got over it.
But Papa is on my list, now. He'd better be glad I don't have any mafia connections.
I haven't told you about my dream I had! Ok, it's so sad to say this, but it was practically the highlight of my weekend.
I had a dream that I had sex with Julian McMahon!!!! Yeah! It was awesome. Well, ok, I think it was awesome. I don't remember the actual sex part. (Maybe it was so good, my memory just couldn't handle it? And so it blocked it out??) My recollection starts when he gets up to go take a shower after we do it. I am removing my clothes (yeah, I don't get it either--maybe we had been too into it to bother with clothing removal?), telling him I'll be joining him in the shower in just a second (RAWR!) when I look over at his dresser.
There's a thing of woman's deodorant sitting on the dresser. And it's not mine. The asshole is too
dense/arrogant to even hide the most obvious piece of evidence of another woman.
That's the end of the dream -- me, naked, holding some other woman's deodorant.
How sad is it that I even have cynical dreams???? *sigh*
Ok, enough fooling around. I know why you're here. You are expecting some kind of Hot Neighbor update, aren't you? Something about lasagna, or me doing some weeding in my front yard, wearing nothing but a bikini. You want me to say that he and I had wild, hot, dirty monkey sex on his living room floor, don't you? Or that he's taking me out to dinner next Saturday.
You'd probably even settle for me saying something optimistically cliche about fate, or waiting for things to happen at the right time, or taking my life into my own hands and making things happen, not living in fear of rejection, that kind of thing. Am I right?
Well, sorry folks. The only Hot Neighbor update I have for you is this: He was gone most of the weekend. Right up until Sunday night, when the Wednesday Skank pulled into his driveway in her shiny, new convertible.
Wednesday Skank -- 2, Virginia Belle -- 0
Game over, folks.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I am On Crack Today...
Greetings, Readers. Hope everyone is well. I am getting the urge to post, but nothing is really gelling, so this will probably sound like the rantings of a 12 year-old dealing with Ritalin withdrawl symptoms. My brain is ADD central right now. This post will be kinda goofy and random.
My tummy has been queasy lately. Off and on, not too badly. I think it's all the cake I've been eating lately. Thanks to my diet (13 pounds lost so far! Go me!), I don't eat a lot of sugar anymore. By coincidence, I've had a lot of cake and sugary items in the past week. I'm thinking it's not sitting well with my uber-sensitive tummy.
And I know what you are thinking. No, I have not been having up-against-the-wall, hot, nasty, animal-noise making, sweaty, monkey sex with Hot Neighbor. *pauses to imagine so described sexual encounter*
I am NOT (repeat) NOT pregnant.
No, in fact, I've been very busy not having sexual encounters of any kind. [Insert chorus of "Awwww...." here] Which is getting old, but let's not throw a pity party, ok? Ok.
Hot Neighbor has been out of town and/or working long hours lately. So I have had no opportunities to get my flirt on. HOWEVER, I do have some leftover lemon-almond-sour cream pound cake that must leave my house or else it will just ruin my diet! And who but Hot Neighbor can eat it? Hmmmm..can't think of anyone. Everyone I know is on a diet. Oh well. Guess I'll have to donate it to my hot, lonely, eats-pizza-and-other-non-homemade-food-for-dinner neighbor. Shucks. Hate when that happens. I mean, what guy wants to be seduced by homemade baked items? Maybe I can wear a whip cream bikini....he might need some for the cake. *daydreams again*
And despite all my myspace hunting abilities, I don't think the cute guy I met last Friday has a myspace page. I tell ya, it's hard being a myspace stalker. You have to prepare yourself for disappointment. Fingers crossed he will be there again this week at Happy Hour.
I just realized that my weekend is starting tonight. Not in the "Woo-Hoo, I have a long weekend because I took some days off!" way, but in the "I am a slave to my social life and I still think I'm 21!!" kind of way.
I will be regretting this decision to go out tonight and tomorrow....it will all hit me at approximately 6:15am on Friday morning. But right now, I'm excited. Woooooh! Party!!
Tonight is a friend's birthday, tomorrow is stirring up trouble with MJ & KT, Friday is Happy Hour and Saturday is the annual St. Patty's Day Festival. (Which will be about 12 hours in duration and WAY fun.)
Did I mention that I'm still adjusting to daylight savings time? Yeah..."nap" doesn't even begin to explain what I will need.
My stomach, ass and entire upper body are killing me right now from my 2 hour Suicide Mission at the gym last night. Sometimes I get really into working out, so I figure I'll take advantage of it, and then I try to see if I can give myself a heart attack on the elliptical machine. The good news? I did three push-ups on my toes last night. (Read: This is nearly impossible for me to do normally. Shut up. I am a weakling. 3 is a lot for me.) The bad news? I am sooooooooooore. But the good kind. I don't need painkillers or anything like that.
Mmmmm....painkillers.
Have I ever told you that I like to make up songs? I do. (See? I told you I am ADD Girl today!) I like to sing (badly) and I like rhyming, hence my goofy songs about my family and friends. Usually I forget them, but I have written a song about my dog, so I want to post it before I forget the lyrics.
It all started when I would come home from the gym and get in the shower. Sammy would always watch me because he's weird and perverted (Hmmm...like mother, like dog...), and so I started singing to him. For some reason, he likes to lick the shower door, too. Very strange. In case you are wondering, no, I do not lick shower doors. (Ew.) However, not unlike my dog, I have been known to chase balls on occassion......
But I digress. (Ok, seriously, what did I eat today??? I think I am on crack...)
Keep in mind this is just the first 3 verses. There will be more, I am sure. Oh-- by the way, this is a country song, so imagine a June Carter-type twang. *ahem*
"Sammy is a Good Dog" -- by VB.
Ohhhh....
Sammy is a good boy,
He always wags his nub.
And there never is a big fight
When it's time for rub-a-dub.
He likes to run and bark a lot
When he gets all riled up,
But he's the cutest thing on 4 legs,
He's my favorite little pup!
Chorus:
Sammy is a good dog
He's the best dog ever was,
Although he snores to wake the dead
And hocks up chunks of fuzz.**
He can be real stubborn
and always wants his way,
But if there's one thing that I know,
My love will never stray!
Sammy licks the shower,
I do not understand.
But when he snuggles on me,
It really is quite grand.
His favorite food is ice cream,
And he can eat a lot.
But the coolest thing about him
Is the tiny little spot!*
Chorus again
Sammy used to have some balls,
He lost them long ago.
So now his favorite thing to do
Is chase them to and fro.
He will chase them anywhere
But mostly down the halls
Whatta I think is going on?
He's looking for his balls.
Chorus again
*Sammy has a little diamond-shaped spot on the top of his head.
**He also likes to eat the fuzz off of tennis balls. Sometimes he gets tennis ball fuzz hairballs. Yeah. [In Fat Bastard voice] He's dead sexy.
I haven't posted any pics of Julian McMahon lately, so here is a good one I found:
Huminahuminahumina....Oh what the heck. Here's another...sweet mother of Jesus.....!!!!
I am gradually working my way through season 1 of Nip/Tuck. So I get to see this type of stuff a lot. *sigh* Thank you, Netflix!!!!
Did you know he's got a movie coming out this weekend? Oh yes, children. He and Sandra Bullock star in it together. Luckily, I like her, so she will not need to be assassinated. Did I mention that there is a SHOWER SCENE in this movie? As in, Julian enters shower. Julian has no clothes on. Julian gets wet in the shower. As in, VB passes out in movie theater and will need smelling salts in order to be revived before she gets brain damage. Yeah.
Guess where I'll be on Sunday, after all my partying is done!
After proofing this and re-reading this post, I've come to the conclusion that I am too...
A) weird
B) ADD-ish and
C) too much of a dork
to ever get the chance to date...
A) Hot Neighbor
B) the cute guy from Happy Hour or
C) Julian McMahon
Ugh. They would all think I'm a complete psycho if they ever read this. So please, don't tell Julian about my blog. I'd appreciate it. Because I look at him and think: "Monkey Sex!!!!"
My tummy has been queasy lately. Off and on, not too badly. I think it's all the cake I've been eating lately. Thanks to my diet (13 pounds lost so far! Go me!), I don't eat a lot of sugar anymore. By coincidence, I've had a lot of cake and sugary items in the past week. I'm thinking it's not sitting well with my uber-sensitive tummy.
And I know what you are thinking. No, I have not been having up-against-the-wall, hot, nasty, animal-noise making, sweaty, monkey sex with Hot Neighbor. *pauses to imagine so described sexual encounter*
I am NOT (repeat) NOT pregnant.
No, in fact, I've been very busy not having sexual encounters of any kind. [Insert chorus of "Awwww...." here] Which is getting old, but let's not throw a pity party, ok? Ok.
Hot Neighbor has been out of town and/or working long hours lately. So I have had no opportunities to get my flirt on. HOWEVER, I do have some leftover lemon-almond-sour cream pound cake that must leave my house or else it will just ruin my diet! And who but Hot Neighbor can eat it? Hmmmm..can't think of anyone. Everyone I know is on a diet. Oh well. Guess I'll have to donate it to my hot, lonely, eats-pizza-and-other-non-homemade-food-for-dinner neighbor. Shucks. Hate when that happens. I mean, what guy wants to be seduced by homemade baked items? Maybe I can wear a whip cream bikini....he might need some for the cake. *daydreams again*
And despite all my myspace hunting abilities, I don't think the cute guy I met last Friday has a myspace page. I tell ya, it's hard being a myspace stalker. You have to prepare yourself for disappointment. Fingers crossed he will be there again this week at Happy Hour.
I just realized that my weekend is starting tonight. Not in the "Woo-Hoo, I have a long weekend because I took some days off!" way, but in the "I am a slave to my social life and I still think I'm 21!!" kind of way.
I will be regretting this decision to go out tonight and tomorrow....it will all hit me at approximately 6:15am on Friday morning. But right now, I'm excited. Woooooh! Party!!
Tonight is a friend's birthday, tomorrow is stirring up trouble with MJ & KT, Friday is Happy Hour and Saturday is the annual St. Patty's Day Festival. (Which will be about 12 hours in duration and WAY fun.)
Did I mention that I'm still adjusting to daylight savings time? Yeah..."nap" doesn't even begin to explain what I will need.
My stomach, ass and entire upper body are killing me right now from my 2 hour Suicide Mission at the gym last night. Sometimes I get really into working out, so I figure I'll take advantage of it, and then I try to see if I can give myself a heart attack on the elliptical machine. The good news? I did three push-ups on my toes last night. (Read: This is nearly impossible for me to do normally. Shut up. I am a weakling. 3 is a lot for me.) The bad news? I am sooooooooooore. But the good kind. I don't need painkillers or anything like that.
Mmmmm....painkillers.
Have I ever told you that I like to make up songs? I do. (See? I told you I am ADD Girl today!) I like to sing (badly) and I like rhyming, hence my goofy songs about my family and friends. Usually I forget them, but I have written a song about my dog, so I want to post it before I forget the lyrics.
It all started when I would come home from the gym and get in the shower. Sammy would always watch me because he's weird and perverted (Hmmm...like mother, like dog...), and so I started singing to him. For some reason, he likes to lick the shower door, too. Very strange. In case you are wondering, no, I do not lick shower doors. (Ew.) However, not unlike my dog, I have been known to chase balls on occassion......
But I digress. (Ok, seriously, what did I eat today??? I think I am on crack...)
Keep in mind this is just the first 3 verses. There will be more, I am sure. Oh-- by the way, this is a country song, so imagine a June Carter-type twang. *ahem*
"Sammy is a Good Dog" -- by VB.
Ohhhh....
Sammy is a good boy,
He always wags his nub.
And there never is a big fight
When it's time for rub-a-dub.
He likes to run and bark a lot
When he gets all riled up,
But he's the cutest thing on 4 legs,
He's my favorite little pup!
Chorus:
Sammy is a good dog
He's the best dog ever was,
Although he snores to wake the dead
And hocks up chunks of fuzz.**
He can be real stubborn
and always wants his way,
But if there's one thing that I know,
My love will never stray!
Sammy licks the shower,
I do not understand.
But when he snuggles on me,
It really is quite grand.
His favorite food is ice cream,
And he can eat a lot.
But the coolest thing about him
Is the tiny little spot!*
Chorus again
Sammy used to have some balls,
He lost them long ago.
So now his favorite thing to do
Is chase them to and fro.
He will chase them anywhere
But mostly down the halls
Whatta I think is going on?
He's looking for his balls.
Chorus again
*Sammy has a little diamond-shaped spot on the top of his head.
**He also likes to eat the fuzz off of tennis balls. Sometimes he gets tennis ball fuzz hairballs. Yeah. [In Fat Bastard voice] He's dead sexy.
I haven't posted any pics of Julian McMahon lately, so here is a good one I found:
Huminahuminahumina....Oh what the heck. Here's another...sweet mother of Jesus.....!!!!
I am gradually working my way through season 1 of Nip/Tuck. So I get to see this type of stuff a lot. *sigh* Thank you, Netflix!!!!
Did you know he's got a movie coming out this weekend? Oh yes, children. He and Sandra Bullock star in it together. Luckily, I like her, so she will not need to be assassinated. Did I mention that there is a SHOWER SCENE in this movie? As in, Julian enters shower. Julian has no clothes on. Julian gets wet in the shower. As in, VB passes out in movie theater and will need smelling salts in order to be revived before she gets brain damage. Yeah.
Guess where I'll be on Sunday, after all my partying is done!
After proofing this and re-reading this post, I've come to the conclusion that I am too...
A) weird
B) ADD-ish and
C) too much of a dork
to ever get the chance to date...
A) Hot Neighbor
B) the cute guy from Happy Hour or
C) Julian McMahon
Ugh. They would all think I'm a complete psycho if they ever read this. So please, don't tell Julian about my blog. I'd appreciate it. Because I look at him and think: "Monkey Sex!!!!"
Friday, March 02, 2007
Aggravating & Random
Like many of my posts, this one will start with me bitching about something, and then I will inform you of the latest events in my life.
Ahem.
You know I hate my car. You know how the little key reader hasn't been reading my key, leaving me stranded until the key reader (aka the "tumbler") decides to reset. Sometimes it takes two minutes, sometimes it takes 2 hours.
When I got off work Wednesday, in a hurry to go meet Brunette and Nurse P for the USC basketball game, my car decided to be stubborn. It. Would. Not. Start.
I sat there for a half an hour, begging, pleading, whining, smoking and banging my fist on the dashboard (My little trick-- sometimes it jiggles the tumbler and the car will start). At 5pm, I gave up and caught a coworker who was walking through the parking lot. She offered to drive me home.
Nurse P picked me up from home, and I told her that I'll just let the tumbler re-set while we are at the game.
(Have I mentioned how much I L-O-V-E to attend live sporting events? Because I do. I cheer, I scream, I wear the team colors. I was even winking at some cute guys in the next section over. Not that that's the only reason I go to sporting events. But it doesn't exactly hurt. Where was I? Oh yes.)
So we get back from the game, and it still won't start. This was a record. It's been 5 hours at this point. I'm thinking, "Ok, that's enough. I am willing to cough up the $300 to fix this damn thing. I'm over it!"
So I had it towed to the dealership (at midnight!) , and told them to put a new key reader in when I called them the next morning.
The mechanic said, "Why?"
And I said, "What do you mean, why? My car doesn't start sometimes."
He said, "Well, I've started it twice this morning. Works fine."
Uuuugh. I swear, this car is playing with me! I feel I am being toyed with by an inanimate object. I explained the problem to the mechanic, and said that I am not crazy--the tumbler doesn't read my key sometimes and I really just want it fixed, please.
He said he understood and he would go ahead and fix it. He told me later that he and another mechanic had started it up at least 6 more times that day. No problem. Key turned perfectly every time.
*grumble*
I hate my car.
$300 later, I have my car. Supposedly they are certain they've fixed it. What's annoying is, all the dashboard thumping I did (my "trick" to get it to start) managed to knock some wires loose, and now my dashboard lights don't work. Well, they do. Kinda. I can see my speed up to 70 mph. After that, I can tell the officer I honestly don't know how fast I was going. Some buttons don't work either, but they aren't vital features on my dashboard. Still, it's annoying.
Aaaaaaaaaargh.
So this weekend I was supposed to go to the beach and hit the outlet malls with Brunette, Nurse P and Healthy Girl. But, thanks to my car, this isn't really an option. All my shopping money went to car repairs. So I backed out. It's ok. I would have just spent money I don't have anyway. And 6 hours of driving with the current gas prices doesn't sound all that appealing. (Myrtle Beach is 3 hours each way.) ...and I sorta already had a little mini-spree this month.
So I'm going to stay in town, hang out with Happy Hour Girls tonight, and then hit the gym and take Sammy for a walk tomorrow. MJ got a huge raise, so she's ready to party, too. That will probably be on Saturday night, in addition to tonight, because she's joining us.
KT gave me this huge birthday cake, and while it was delicious, it was ruining my diet. So yesterday morning, I cut it in half and gave one half to a nice, older lady neighbor. The other half I put into a tupperware container and left it on Hot Neighbor's porch with a note. He wasn't home at the time, but he's gotten it by now. We'll see if anything comes of it. I should have waited until he was home, I know. I have left the ball in his court, missed out on a flirting opportunity, etc. But I had to get it out of the house!!
Oh, and for clarification purposes, here is HN in a nutshell: HN is divorced with three adorable little kids. I have now had a crush on him since I met him in November. I don't know how old he is, but I'd guess mid-30s. He's got a young Richard Gere thing going on--a little bit of salt and pepper. He looks really good in plain white t shirts, because he's got really nice arms. He's very friendly and K thinks he likes me. I secretly watch him from my kitchen window, which looks right out on his driveway. He rarely sees me looking good. He's seen me without makeup, which really bothers me. I am ok with the idea of dating a guy with kids, because my dad had 2 kids when he met my mom. This doesn't mean I don't have reservations. I refer to his ex-wife as "The Skank", even though I know nothing about her and I'm sure she's a very nice lady. She gives him the kids every other weekend, and sometimes during the week. He's kind of lonely, I think, based on what he's said to me. And I'm sure he doesn't get to eat yummy food very often. "3 kids? And divorced? Oh, he's in Fish Stick City," one of my coworkers said. This is interesting to me, as I love to cook, yet have no one to cook for....hmmm.
I have daydreams about him that involve several variations of him pushing me against a wall. Sometimes he's wearing a tool belt.....but I digress. (Gee, so much for my Anti-Dating Campaign. How long did it last? Two weeks? *sigh* I can't help it. I've been boy crazy since I was 10.)
Everyone clear now? Ok, good. Next!
More clarification (I think it was Single Guy Blogging who asked me this): When I use the term "hooked up" in reference to a cute guy, I am implying that there is some (if not all) removal of clothing, but not necessarily sex. I don't know what other people's definitions for "hooking up" are, but that's mine. More than making out, but probably less than sex.
Let's see...more randomness. Oh, I've got one. My male readers are going to love this. *rolls eyes* I occasionally have lesbian dreams that involve my friends. Yeah. I've had at least three now. I had one this week. Note: I am not even remotely lesbian, because that would take time away from wieners. I like wieners entirely too much to make time for girls in that way. But I do have these dreams. Does anyone else have dreams like this? Or am I a freak? What do they mean?
I am getting my very first Netflix DVD today. Woot! Season 1 of Nip/Tuck. I am so excited I'm about to wet my pants, people. 3 hours of Julian McMahon..........*drools and gurgles on desk*
I have acquired a stalker. This guy comes into the library and waits for me to come out of my office in the back. Then, as soon as I'm on the front desk, he starts asking me how I'm doing, etc. He's probably 19 and thinks I'm a student work-study or something. I don't think he realizes I'm on par with his professors, authority-wise. The other day, he was waiting outside the building for me so he could talk to me as I was walking to my car. While it is kinda creepy, I don't feel threatened or anything. He seems like a nice guy who is just a little on the clueless side. But it's annoying, so last night, when he came up to the desk and started talking to me, I told him that my boyfriend probably wouldn't like him talking to me, as he has a very nasty temper and jealous tendencies. I think I may have mentioned that he carries a gun, too. So he should probably just move along. He did. Let's hope he got the hint.
Update on the Jamaica trip: I talked to J. She said that she and her fiancee worked out a deal with the resort, so if I book my room between now and the end of April, it's 50% off. So the room would only be $250/night. Since Mack Daddy would go with me and split the cost, this would probably be a lot more affordable.....I'm thinking I might do it. J also said that Mack Daddy can go to the wedding with me and that she really wants me to go. Czarina is against the notion of going--she thinks it will be too much money and that I shouldn't go because J hasn't been the best friend to me lately (see my old post, "The Assholes"). I know we've grown apart somewhat, but we aren't on bad terms by any means. We just have different values as we've gotten older. I still get glimpses of funny, goofy, down-to-earth J now and then. I've known her for so long, how can I not go?
Ahem.
You know I hate my car. You know how the little key reader hasn't been reading my key, leaving me stranded until the key reader (aka the "tumbler") decides to reset. Sometimes it takes two minutes, sometimes it takes 2 hours.
When I got off work Wednesday, in a hurry to go meet Brunette and Nurse P for the USC basketball game, my car decided to be stubborn. It. Would. Not. Start.
I sat there for a half an hour, begging, pleading, whining, smoking and banging my fist on the dashboard (My little trick-- sometimes it jiggles the tumbler and the car will start). At 5pm, I gave up and caught a coworker who was walking through the parking lot. She offered to drive me home.
Nurse P picked me up from home, and I told her that I'll just let the tumbler re-set while we are at the game.
(Have I mentioned how much I L-O-V-E to attend live sporting events? Because I do. I cheer, I scream, I wear the team colors. I was even winking at some cute guys in the next section over. Not that that's the only reason I go to sporting events. But it doesn't exactly hurt. Where was I? Oh yes.)
So we get back from the game, and it still won't start. This was a record. It's been 5 hours at this point. I'm thinking, "Ok, that's enough. I am willing to cough up the $300 to fix this damn thing. I'm over it!"
So I had it towed to the dealership (at midnight!) , and told them to put a new key reader in when I called them the next morning.
The mechanic said, "Why?"
And I said, "What do you mean, why? My car doesn't start sometimes."
He said, "Well, I've started it twice this morning. Works fine."
Uuuugh. I swear, this car is playing with me! I feel I am being toyed with by an inanimate object. I explained the problem to the mechanic, and said that I am not crazy--the tumbler doesn't read my key sometimes and I really just want it fixed, please.
He said he understood and he would go ahead and fix it. He told me later that he and another mechanic had started it up at least 6 more times that day. No problem. Key turned perfectly every time.
*grumble*
I hate my car.
$300 later, I have my car. Supposedly they are certain they've fixed it. What's annoying is, all the dashboard thumping I did (my "trick" to get it to start) managed to knock some wires loose, and now my dashboard lights don't work. Well, they do. Kinda. I can see my speed up to 70 mph. After that, I can tell the officer I honestly don't know how fast I was going. Some buttons don't work either, but they aren't vital features on my dashboard. Still, it's annoying.
Aaaaaaaaaargh.
So this weekend I was supposed to go to the beach and hit the outlet malls with Brunette, Nurse P and Healthy Girl. But, thanks to my car, this isn't really an option. All my shopping money went to car repairs. So I backed out. It's ok. I would have just spent money I don't have anyway. And 6 hours of driving with the current gas prices doesn't sound all that appealing. (Myrtle Beach is 3 hours each way.) ...and I sorta already had a little mini-spree this month.
So I'm going to stay in town, hang out with Happy Hour Girls tonight, and then hit the gym and take Sammy for a walk tomorrow. MJ got a huge raise, so she's ready to party, too. That will probably be on Saturday night, in addition to tonight, because she's joining us.
KT gave me this huge birthday cake, and while it was delicious, it was ruining my diet. So yesterday morning, I cut it in half and gave one half to a nice, older lady neighbor. The other half I put into a tupperware container and left it on Hot Neighbor's porch with a note. He wasn't home at the time, but he's gotten it by now. We'll see if anything comes of it. I should have waited until he was home, I know. I have left the ball in his court, missed out on a flirting opportunity, etc. But I had to get it out of the house!!
Oh, and for clarification purposes, here is HN in a nutshell: HN is divorced with three adorable little kids. I have now had a crush on him since I met him in November. I don't know how old he is, but I'd guess mid-30s. He's got a young Richard Gere thing going on--a little bit of salt and pepper. He looks really good in plain white t shirts, because he's got really nice arms. He's very friendly and K thinks he likes me. I secretly watch him from my kitchen window, which looks right out on his driveway. He rarely sees me looking good. He's seen me without makeup, which really bothers me. I am ok with the idea of dating a guy with kids, because my dad had 2 kids when he met my mom. This doesn't mean I don't have reservations. I refer to his ex-wife as "The Skank", even though I know nothing about her and I'm sure she's a very nice lady. She gives him the kids every other weekend, and sometimes during the week. He's kind of lonely, I think, based on what he's said to me. And I'm sure he doesn't get to eat yummy food very often. "3 kids? And divorced? Oh, he's in Fish Stick City," one of my coworkers said. This is interesting to me, as I love to cook, yet have no one to cook for....hmmm.
I have daydreams about him that involve several variations of him pushing me against a wall. Sometimes he's wearing a tool belt.....but I digress. (Gee, so much for my Anti-Dating Campaign. How long did it last? Two weeks? *sigh* I can't help it. I've been boy crazy since I was 10.)
Everyone clear now? Ok, good. Next!
More clarification (I think it was Single Guy Blogging who asked me this): When I use the term "hooked up" in reference to a cute guy, I am implying that there is some (if not all) removal of clothing, but not necessarily sex. I don't know what other people's definitions for "hooking up" are, but that's mine. More than making out, but probably less than sex.
Let's see...more randomness. Oh, I've got one. My male readers are going to love this. *rolls eyes* I occasionally have lesbian dreams that involve my friends. Yeah. I've had at least three now. I had one this week. Note: I am not even remotely lesbian, because that would take time away from wieners. I like wieners entirely too much to make time for girls in that way. But I do have these dreams. Does anyone else have dreams like this? Or am I a freak? What do they mean?
I am getting my very first Netflix DVD today. Woot! Season 1 of Nip/Tuck. I am so excited I'm about to wet my pants, people. 3 hours of Julian McMahon..........*drools and gurgles on desk*
I have acquired a stalker. This guy comes into the library and waits for me to come out of my office in the back. Then, as soon as I'm on the front desk, he starts asking me how I'm doing, etc. He's probably 19 and thinks I'm a student work-study or something. I don't think he realizes I'm on par with his professors, authority-wise. The other day, he was waiting outside the building for me so he could talk to me as I was walking to my car. While it is kinda creepy, I don't feel threatened or anything. He seems like a nice guy who is just a little on the clueless side. But it's annoying, so last night, when he came up to the desk and started talking to me, I told him that my boyfriend probably wouldn't like him talking to me, as he has a very nasty temper and jealous tendencies. I think I may have mentioned that he carries a gun, too. So he should probably just move along. He did. Let's hope he got the hint.
Update on the Jamaica trip: I talked to J. She said that she and her fiancee worked out a deal with the resort, so if I book my room between now and the end of April, it's 50% off. So the room would only be $250/night. Since Mack Daddy would go with me and split the cost, this would probably be a lot more affordable.....I'm thinking I might do it. J also said that Mack Daddy can go to the wedding with me and that she really wants me to go. Czarina is against the notion of going--she thinks it will be too much money and that I shouldn't go because J hasn't been the best friend to me lately (see my old post, "The Assholes"). I know we've grown apart somewhat, but we aren't on bad terms by any means. We just have different values as we've gotten older. I still get glimpses of funny, goofy, down-to-earth J now and then. I've known her for so long, how can I not go?
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
(Beef) Cake #1
Here is the first cake I decorated myself. It is also the first 2-layer cake I've ever made. You can't tell, but the top layer actually split in half and I had to "glue" it back with frosting to keep it together. Apparently, I didn't level out my layers. Oops. Anyway, it's just a box mix, so it isn't as tasty as next week's cake: a chocolate one!
Oh, and it's an umbrella because that's what the Cake Lady said to do. And I'm kind of scared of her. So I do what she says.We all made the same design, but we got to pick our colors. I was hoping for darker icing. This just looks like something you'd take to a baby shower.
Do you see all my mess? That is the best part--making the mess. You can't tell from the picture (seriously, I need a digital camera soon!!) but the umbrella panels are filled in with little icing stars. It took a while.
Ok, enough cake talk. Other news.
Went out to dinner last night with MJ, her roomie and my roomie. It was a surprise for MJ's birthday. We went to Nonnah's (a restaurant specializing in desserts) and coffees. We had a delicious meal-- crab-stuffed portobellos, crab quesadillas, chicken on croissants...mmmm. And then dessert. Sorry, I didn't take a picture of it. I was too involved in my white chocolate ginger cheesecake. (Actually, you can see a pic on their website.) We had so much fun catching up on girl time and talking about house stuff.
After dinner, we went to Uncle Louie's, a hole-in-the-wall bar that is very low-key. Then we went to The Flying Saucer, a place that has 150 different beers on tap. We met up with Stuckey, who is working on getting his golden platter (meaning, he would have tried all 150 of the beers--when he finishes, he gets a platter with his name on it, and they put it up on the wall in their "Ring of Honor").
By then, it was getting late, so K and I headed home to watch Nip/Tuck. *sigh* I think I'm in love with Julian McMahon. He pretty much tops my list now. Let's take a second to feast our eyes upon such a wonderful work of art, ladies, shall we? I mean, every day should have a Julian break in it....
...what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Maybe I should start having Julian Wednesdays....
I didn't really get a good opportunity to call Cop 2 back last night. I feel kind of bad. So, to make it up to him, I have offered to bake him a birthday cake (his birthday is Monday). I will try to decorate it using my fancy new skillz.
We might run into each other when we each go out with our friends on Friday night, but our next date is on Sunday. I'm hoping he wants to go to the fair...but I'm up for anything, really. He's sooooo relaxing. I really like talking to him. He makes me chill out.
Saturday is MJ's housewarming party. A bunch of her guy friends from NY are coming to it. She said they are pretty cute. I will seduce one of them with my freshly baked cookies. That's the current plan. We'll see how it goes.
House Update: I am going to forego the home inspection. Too many people who are familiar with the builder have told me not to worry. Besides, I have a 1 year warranty on everything in the house. I call, they fix. 'Nuff said. So other than getting some homeowner's insurance and having the walk-through with the realtors, I am all set for closing!!!
To keep our sanity, K and I have decided that we will paint everything the weekend of the closing, move little things the following week and then move the big stuff the next weekend. Too bad I still haven't decided on paint colors...oops.
Ok, I am off to take a nap before Sammy's doggie school. Tonight is his graduation. Gosh, this week has been nuts!!
Oh, and it's an umbrella because that's what the Cake Lady said to do. And I'm kind of scared of her. So I do what she says.We all made the same design, but we got to pick our colors. I was hoping for darker icing. This just looks like something you'd take to a baby shower.
Do you see all my mess? That is the best part--making the mess. You can't tell from the picture (seriously, I need a digital camera soon!!) but the umbrella panels are filled in with little icing stars. It took a while.Ok, enough cake talk. Other news.
Went out to dinner last night with MJ, her roomie and my roomie. It was a surprise for MJ's birthday. We went to Nonnah's (a restaurant specializing in desserts) and coffees. We had a delicious meal-- crab-stuffed portobellos, crab quesadillas, chicken on croissants...mmmm. And then dessert. Sorry, I didn't take a picture of it. I was too involved in my white chocolate ginger cheesecake. (Actually, you can see a pic on their website.) We had so much fun catching up on girl time and talking about house stuff.
After dinner, we went to Uncle Louie's, a hole-in-the-wall bar that is very low-key. Then we went to The Flying Saucer, a place that has 150 different beers on tap. We met up with Stuckey, who is working on getting his golden platter (meaning, he would have tried all 150 of the beers--when he finishes, he gets a platter with his name on it, and they put it up on the wall in their "Ring of Honor").
By then, it was getting late, so K and I headed home to watch Nip/Tuck. *sigh* I think I'm in love with Julian McMahon. He pretty much tops my list now. Let's take a second to feast our eyes upon such a wonderful work of art, ladies, shall we? I mean, every day should have a Julian break in it....
...what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Maybe I should start having Julian Wednesdays....
I didn't really get a good opportunity to call Cop 2 back last night. I feel kind of bad. So, to make it up to him, I have offered to bake him a birthday cake (his birthday is Monday). I will try to decorate it using my fancy new skillz.
We might run into each other when we each go out with our friends on Friday night, but our next date is on Sunday. I'm hoping he wants to go to the fair...but I'm up for anything, really. He's sooooo relaxing. I really like talking to him. He makes me chill out.
Saturday is MJ's housewarming party. A bunch of her guy friends from NY are coming to it. She said they are pretty cute. I will seduce one of them with my freshly baked cookies. That's the current plan. We'll see how it goes.
House Update: I am going to forego the home inspection. Too many people who are familiar with the builder have told me not to worry. Besides, I have a 1 year warranty on everything in the house. I call, they fix. 'Nuff said. So other than getting some homeowner's insurance and having the walk-through with the realtors, I am all set for closing!!!
To keep our sanity, K and I have decided that we will paint everything the weekend of the closing, move little things the following week and then move the big stuff the next weekend. Too bad I still haven't decided on paint colors...oops.
Ok, I am off to take a nap before Sammy's doggie school. Tonight is his graduation. Gosh, this week has been nuts!!
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