A Pain in the Ass

Yes, I can assure you, I am alive.

I think this is the longest I've ever gone without posting. But I can explain, really. If anyone is even reading this anymore! So, what's been going on with VB? Let's just say I've met my health insurance deductable. I'll give you the quick n dirty explanation:

I got a bad cold. I have now had it for 10 days. It refuses to die. I've taken 2 sick days for it.

We started doing inventory at work. This involves not only scanning each book, but also putting them in order and then going back to check our work. It wasn't a picnic, but it is a necessary evil. And it was kinda nice to do something different. Doing inventory means that I'm out with the books all day instead of at the desk, reading blogs and posting. So that was a contributing factor in my abscence.

The rest of the days I've been gone are related to yet another medical condition. The real icing on the cake is that I also have somehow managed to get an abscess. Yup, just what Repo got. Did I catch it from him? Probably. But until the lab results come in, I won't know for sure.

I noticed some swelling on Friday night and thought it was just an ingrown hair or something. But by Saturday morning, it was red, extremely painful and very swollen. It was also the size of a small dinner plate. No joke. After seeing what Repo had been through, I pretty much knew what I was dealing with. I knew I was in for it--the pain, the medication, the numerous doctor trips. I said some not-so-nice things to him. Because it takes about a month for these to heal up. And because I had to have FIVE shots. That's FIVE needles. And they HURT.

He lost some serious boyfriend points with this.

According to the doctor, abscesses are spreading all over town, which makes me wonder because I was under the impression that these were hard to catch. I just figured the fact that Repo is naturally averse to hand-washing (no matter how often I ask him to do it) left me in a high-risk environment. I thought it was one of those things where I would have to touch it directly in order to get it. We were very careful about keeping it bandaged and away from my hands. Or so we thought. I guess one time he must not have washed his hands. And then I didn't wash my hands. The Czarina is having a field day with this, implying that he and I are nasty and filthy people who do not bathe:

"Nice couple. Maybe you two can go to the doctor together and get them drained at the same time. Is there a two-for-one special?"

"Yeah, Mom, we can lay on parallel tables and hold hands while they do it. Thanks for the sympathy," I replied.

Did I mention where my abscess is located?

It's ON MY ASS. Of all freakin' places. I'm sorry if that grosses you out, but I can assure you that it's probably the most humiliating thing I've ever had to endure. I think that giving myself a head-to-toe scrub down with the loofah must have opened me up to infection. Either that or something mundane like an ingrown hair. And of course, the kind of luck that I have, it ends up on my ass. Unbelievable. All in the name of having a smooth tushie. Ask me how sexy I feel.

Ever called your boss to say that you can't come in to work because your ass hurts? Not fun.

Please note for the record: This infection does not mean that I am a nasty, filthy person who does not bathe. It's just a bacterial infection. All it takes is one time not washing your hands. And one teeny-tiny opening on your skin. And one itsy bitsy bacterium to get in there. And some people are just naturally more susceptible to getting them. So no jokes about my personal hygeine. And go wash your hands. Trust me, you don't want this.

I'm a little frustrated with medical information of today. I have heard different things from different medical sources. So has Repo. So we have no idea if we can pass it back and forth over and over. He's afraid to touch me because he doesn't want to get it again. We don't know if I can spread it to my coworkers or K. We don't know if Sammy will get it. I don't know if I should be quarantined or sterilize my apartment or what. Do I have to throw away my shower sponge? Boil my sheets? Forbid people from drinking after me? We don't even know how we got it--Repo read something that said the bacteria can be airborne. We can only suppose Repo caught it in the emergency room when he got his eye sewn up. The doctor's attitude to all my questions is "Until the lab results come in and we know what kind of bacteria it is, all I can tell you to do is wash your hands." Not much help. By the time the lab results come in, I could spread it to everyone I know.

Probably the most inconvenient thing about it is that it cannot get wet. Have you ever tried to take a shower without getting your ass wet? Yeah, it doesn't work. So I have to lean over the tub and wash body sections one at a time. And the whole time, I have to pose in angles which don't allow water to run down my back and get my butt wet. It takes about 45 minutes. It's very tiring.

It's probably a staph infection, so it could be serious if left unattended. It's also going to be hard to get rid of. That's why I'm really pumped up with antibiotics right now. That's also why I leave nasty messages on Repo's voice mail every day. Messages like: "Hi. It's me. I can't sit down. In case you forgot, this is all your fault. And P.S.--I hate you. Bye."

He knows I'm kidding. Kinda.

It's also really really painful, especially when they go to change the dressing. It feels like they are taking steel wool and grinding it into the open sore. It hurts so badly that I literally cry and want to punch the doctor in the face. It's the most painful thing I've ever had. It even beats out migraines. There is no way labor is this painful. No way.

Which is why they gave me a prescription for Vicodin. Let me tell ya--I'm having a good time about 45 minutes after taking that. Remember how Anna Nicole Smith was when she was fat and out of it? That's exactly how I am. It's like I'm drunk. I have no internal dialogue and I talk very loudly, according to Repo. And K thinks I'm hilarious when I take it because I bump into furniture and dance to music videos. In case you've never had it, Vicodin doesn't really numb anything so much as you just don't care about anything. Like that scene from Sex and the City where Miranda gets eye surgery and Steve asks her: "Are you okay?" and she replies, "I'm on Valium. Everything's okay." I have never felt so relaxed in my life. It's like vacation in pill format. I had a grin on my face for four hours. Then I passed out.

While I'm a lot better than I was, it will take about 3 more weeks for this to clear up. The good thing is, I caught it very early. But I have to get the dressing changed every other day. So I'll be sponge-bathing and wacked out on meds for a little while. Hopefully no one I know and love will get one. And I'm crossing my fingers that I won't get any side effects from the antibiotics. (Ladies, you know what I mean!) But the doctor did a really good job last night. I noticed a big difference this morning. At least today I can sit.

And yes, I'm leaving out lots of gross parts. Trust me, you don't want to know the dirty details of this kind of infection. Just wash your hands constantly. And pray really hard that you don't get one. On your ass or anywhere else.

Now, when I say that my boyfriend is a pain in my ass, it can be taken literally.