Potpourri #2

I have officially cancelled my match.com subscription. *VB bows.* I feel I don't really need it anymore. Also, I've had far too many bad dates from there and life is too short. Plus, I need the $40 per month. I'm broke.

Was just reminded of a conference I'm going to go to in May. Didn't really want to go, and was told it was optional, but I guess someone decided for me. Thank goodness someone thinks for me. Where would I be otherwise? Oh yeah. On my couch watching TV. Or taking a nap. Right.

Someone at work has taken my scissors. It's not like we have a shortage of scissors around here. There are about 43 pairs floating around. We can even get free scissors from the bookstore if we want. But I'm left handed. That means that only 5% of all scissors in the universe will work for me. Plus, these were new and bright blue and looked quite fetching on my desk. I want them back!! Lady Starfish says that when I find them, I should put a label on them that reads: "Steal these and DIE!" or "Know what it feels like to be stabbed with stolen scissors? You will!"

She kills me.

Just in case anyone has noticed, we call each other "Ma'ams." Don't know why. Can't remember how it started. But it stuck. Deal. We are weird like that.

There is this guy I see every day when I'm driving home from work. He's protesting abortion. He holds this big red Stop Abortion sign and has a babydoll strapped to his chest. Hey, this is America. If you want to spend all day long holding up a picket sign with a baby strapped to your chest, that's your prerogative. But the thing I don't understand is, he does this in the SAME spot every day. You'd think that he would realize that he's expressing himself to the SAME people over and over as we all commute home. By now, we've pretty much noticed him and read his sign and flyer. Our minds are made up, so really, he's beating a dead horse. If he's really that dedicated, why isn't he touring Columbia? Or doing something more productive for his cause? Come on, how many babies can you save by doing that? I don't get it. I'm thinking he's senile.

Jennster reminded me of a funny story about my dad, WLF. He used to watch TV late at night. He loved to watch infomercials and buy crap, which irritated The Czarina, who is a huge tightwad. The thing that used to irritate her was that WLF would buy these food gadgets. His philosophy was that every food should have its own gadget. This is retarded, according to The Czarina, whose kitchen was busting at the seams with onion slicers, yogurt makers and tuna can drainers. (Did you even know you can make yogurt at home??) While he meant well, a lot of the stuff he bought was never used or liked. I mean, why dig around for a special tuna drainer when you can just press your fingers on the top of the opened lid? We always made fun of him. Since I understood The Czarina's plight, and I occasionally stayed up late watching TV with him, she put me in charge of stopping these silly purchases. I had to rip the phone out of his hand to stop him from buying a rotisserie chicken cooker, a jerky maker, a food dehydrator and a large deep fryer. It was a battle! He was convinced we all needed a regular supply of dehydrated foods or perfectly sliced potatoes! Yet none of us were ever wandering around the kitchen saying, "Man! I sure could go for some turkey jerky or homemade curly fries!" Seriously, sometimes he lived in some kind of fantasy world. So I had to flex my debating skills big time. How do you convince someone that his children do not desire deep-fried foods at a moment's notice? We would argue for the entire length of the commercial, but when I reminded him of Czarina Wrath, he would cave and hand over the phone sheepishly.

Repo had a job interview today. He said it went really well and I'm stoked. It would be more pay, better benefits, less stress and it's more in-line with his long-term career goals. When I asked him if he would take it if they offered him the position, do you know what he said? "Yeah, but only if the hours don't conflict with USC football games. I've got season tickets." For Pete's sake! You'd think that any job where people don't pull guns on him would be a shoe-in. But I must be underestimating the male love affair that is college football. Does he think women pick jobs whose schedules are based on the sales at the mall? It never fails to amaze me that the male gender is the one running things. Sheesh.

Speaking of jobs, mine has been stressful lately, what with the Parade of Morons that waltzes in here every day. It's the end of the semester, so they are multiplying tenfold. 3/4 of them have never even been to the library before, yet expect me to show them how to do everything, including picking a topic for their term papers. They are getting stressed and antsy because they've been procrastinating or sleeping in class for three months and now have no idea what the F they are doing. This in turn makes them really stupid and annoying. If you see my picture on the 6 o'clock news, you'll know why: I've murdered a college student. With my stolen scissors.