Me Against the World?

I've been feeling really lonely lately. I am not dating anyone. My best friend is MIA. My family is far away and busy with their own lives. My roommate and I aren't as close as we used to be. The same can be said for some other friends I have. My other friends are too busy, not very close to me or too "new" for me to burden them with my problems.

There are few people in your life you can call and whine to about being lonely! Especially when your mother has no sympathy for you. Because otherwise, she'd be first on my list. Normally, I can vent to her about anything. But she has no sympathy for the woe-is-me attitude. She'd just tell me to suck it up, quit whining and start making plans with my friends. I can hear her now: "The only cure for loneliness is to be around people." Which is right, but not what I want to hear right now. Besides, she's up to her eyeballs in work right now, so she wouldn't even have time to say that.

I'm not trying to whine or feel sorry for myself. Ok, maybe I am a little. But I was thinking about it this past weekend. After college, it's really hard to make friends. It's hard to meet people you really like and even harder to have prime bonding opportunities with them. It's easy in college--everyone you meet is close to your age, has a lot of the same goals, lives in the same town and there are umpteen chances to hang out: parties, study sessions, late-night food runs etc. Now, everyone gets married, has babies or moves away (that would be yours truly--not that I regret leaving Indy). It's hard to keep in touch without being in the same town or having similar day-to-day experiences. People grow apart. Which is fine-- it happens. I have tried to distance myself a few times, so it goes both ways. In any case, my circle of friends has shrunk these past few years. Not that I don't have friends. I have lots of friends. I think what is really missing right now is a best girlfriend. I am craving that close friendship intimacy which can only happen between two girls. (No, not like that, sicko!) A girl I talk to every day, who knows all my friends, who knows my day-to-day life, who hangs out with me on the weekends.

You'd think this would be a problem for someone who just moved to a new town, not someone who's lived here for 4 years!

Now that I'm on my own, it's really starting to hit me with how hard it can be to make new friends. I don't want to come off as over-eager, desperate or geeky. Although, secretly, when I meet someone I like, I could spend every day with them and never tire of it! So I usually hold back. And wait for it to develop naturally. It's hard, though, because as I get older, I find fewer and fewer people I actually like enough to talk to every day. So it's really exciting when it does happen!

So what is a good way to make a new friend? I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them or something-- "Wanna go out to dinner sometime?" can sound funny if not in the proper context. Ugh. Normally, I just hold my breath, bring up the idea of happy hour drinks and hope for the best. That's what I did with MJ. It worked out very well.

I don't know why I've been so self-conscious about it lately. I'm a pretty friendly and outgoing person. Most people I know like me. I think that maybe it's because of all this stress I've been under (hello, stomach cramps!) and I don't have much of a support network right now. Lady Starfish has gone completely AWOL on me. I haven't heard from her in weeks. Maybe she needs a break from all my venting! If so, I guess I can understand. Actually, I'm starting to get worried about her...but that's a different post. In any case, she has left big shoes to fill and a big black hole in my support network. I miss her!!!

Sometimes, I chicken out when it comes to making new friends. It can almost be as nerve-wracking as a date, really. (This must be how guys feel!) Tonight is the last session in my cake-decorating class. And there is a girl in there. I adore her. She is so sweet and always lets me bum powdered sugar from her. I think she is really cool. But I keep chickening out. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess since the class gets out at 9pm, that's kind of late to be going out afterwards. But I think some of us are going out after class tonight, so maybe I can make plans to do something with her this weekend. [Ugh, this really must be how guys feel. Only I bet it's worse for them.]

I think that it just really hit me this weekend, as I was moving all of my personal belongings (minus my furniture) by myself. Alone. All weekend. By last night, I was exhausted, starving and stressed out about a lot of things. All I wanted was someone to talk to and someone to have made me dinner. That would have been the best thing ever! Last night, I was tired of doing everything all on my own and having no one to talk to, bond with or lean on. I had no help. Besides Sammy, I felt totally alone. And the people I could have called aren't close enough to me yet for me to randomly ring them up and spill my guts to. They'd be annoyed, and then I'd be minus another friend! Who wants whiners in their life?

I think what I really want is a best friend. A girl I can count on, who will listen to me when I'm upset or pissed off or who will come over when I need someone. Who I can share secrets with and who can get excited for me about stuff. I will do the same for her. I have a very high listening tolerance for venting! Who needs dates? I want a best friend! Priorities, you know? Dating isn't any fun if you don't have someone to share the date reviews with!

How did you meet your best friend? Have you been best friends since you were 4 or 24? Have you had a hard time meeting friends as a young adult? Do you think having a best friend is essential, or can you live without it? I truly feel the need to have that one person with whom you are extremely close. Has anyone else found this to be true? Or am I a freak/loser who can't form deep and lasting friendships with other women? Am I the only one who feels lonely and needs a best friend in their life?

Then again, I'm kind of hormonal right now, so this could all be tied in with that! I tend to feel very sorry for myself during certain...times. Watch, tomorrow I'll be writing, "Please ignore my post from yesterday! It was the estrogen talking!"

Ugh, I almost don't want to hit the "Publish" button. I hate it when I'm like this.