Happy Violentine's Day!

Before I begin, let me give you two quick updates:

1. I am in the process of retrospectively labeling all my posts--all the way back to day 1. So if you need to read the whole backstory on my freakishly long toes or why I am going to Hell, you can do so. What did you say? Something about anal retentiveness? What do you mean?

2. I have lost 9 pounds. Woot! Woot! Go me. I am diet queen. I can now fit into 2 pairs of pants which I could not wear in December.

Now, as I was saying...

I've managed to get out some of my pent-up rage in the past couple of days. Thanks to an elliptical machine, Lily Allen, empathetic girlfriends and of course--Camels.

But I've still got some reserve anger to use up tonight, when I get together with MJ, KT and E to do some serious bitching and man-bashing. That should do me for a while, and then it will be back to your regularly scheduled programming here on VB.

Until then, I will share some Violentine's Day related stories.

Story #1

My coworker told me about her friend's current family scandal. It turns out that this woman's grandparents have been married for 51 years. They are in their seventies. [insert "Awww!" here.] So Grandma goes to her high school reunion (why you'd still go to your high school reunion at that age, I don't know). While she's there, she runs into her high school sweetheart. His wife had recently passed away. So afterwards, she goes home and announces to her husband of 51 years that she is leaving him for her high school sweetheart. Then she started packing up all her stuff! She just moved in with her high school sweetheart. Unbelievable, huh? The lady said her family is wigging out over this. Understandably.

Story #2

I wish I could give you a link to this somehow, but since it happened about 20 minutes ago, it's probably not on the Internet yet. My other coworker was listening to a popular morning radio show as she sat at her desk. She overheard this:

DJ: Ok, the 10th caller gets a prize!

10th caller: Hey! Cool! What did I win?

DJ: A dozen red roses!

10th Caller: That's great! I haven't gotten anything for my girlfriend, Kelly, for Valentine's Day.

DJ: Well, that works out perfectly. What's your name? Where do you work?

10th Caller: Shawn Smith [my coworker couldn't remember his last name]. I work at Acme Construction Company [she couldn't remember the specific construction co. either, but it doesn't matter.]

*during the commercial break, the DJ answers the phone*

Lady: hey, did you just give a guy named Shawn Smith a dozen roses for Valentine's day? And he works at Acme Construction Co.?

DJ: Yeah! Are you his Valentine?

Lady: Yeah.

DJ: I think he's still on the line. Want me to put you through?

Lady: Yes, please.

*the DJ puts the two of them live on the radio*

Lady: So, who's Kelly?

10th Caller: She's just a friend! I swear!

Lady: Well, then can you explain to me why I found her earring in your truck?

DJ: Ma'am, are you his wife?

Lady: Yes! [the rest of what she says is bleeped out.]

DJ: [to 10th Caller] This is your wife? And so Kelly's your girlfriend?

10th Caller: Well...kinda.

[The wife starts cussing at him]

A couple minutes later, the DJ said all the phone lines were jammed from all the people calling in about it. I asked my coworker if it was a big set-up or a joke to play on the listeners. She said she didn't think so--the DJ sounded very shocked, and the woman was cussing up a storm. I'm hoping this will make it to the papers or the Internet, so I can post a link about it...this story is too funny. What an idiot!!

Story #3

This one's about me. When I was a senior in college, I dated this real asshole. (He was the guy with 3 balls, actually). By Valentine's Day, I was hip to his jive, and knew he was cheating on me.

So we are on the phone the day before V Day, and I asked him what I was getting for Valentine's Day. I wanted to see what he'd say. I knew he'd lay on the bullshit really thick. He didn't disappoint.

"Oh, well, I wanted to send you some flowers, and I called around to a bunch of florist shops, but I waited too long and they are all out of flowers. I'm sorry."

Readers, breathe deeply. Can you smell the bullshit?? I couldn't believe he actually expected me to belive that crap.

"Oh, that's ok, sweetie. I don't need flowers," I replied.

"I knew you'd understand. You're awesome," he said.

"I know. I'll talk to you later, ok?" I said.

"Ok, bye. I love you," he said.

"Uh-huh," I answered.

After getting off the phone, I immediately opened up my yellow pages. I turned to "Florist". I called the florist shop directly across the street from where he worked.

"Yes, hi, I'd like to have a dozen roses delivered tomorrow. You're not out, are you?" I asked.

"Oh, no. We've got tons. What color would you like?" says the florist.

"It really doesn't matter. Any color. You can mix them up if you want," I said.

"Oh...really?" she asked.

"Sure!" I said.

"Ok, well, I just need the name and address information from you."

I gave it to her. Along with my credit card number.

"One last thing," she said. "What do you want the card to say?"

"I guess you didn't call this florist shop. They have plenty. Asshole." I said.

I heard the florist stifle a giggle.

"*ahem* Really? I guess you didn't call this florist shop. They have plenty. Asshole. Is that right?"

"That's just perfect!" I said. "Thank you so much!"

To this day, it's the best $50 I've ever spent.