The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Al Capone ain't got shit to do with this one, honey.

I'm talking about the other VD.

Venereal disease? Or Valentine's Day?

Is there a difference?

Both are humiliating. Both are painful. Both make you feel judged and labeled. Not to mention angry.

I am pretty sure the grand tally now is 5. Five girls I know, including myself, who are currently pissed at men in general. We have been dumped, lied to, lied about, hurt, freaked out, stood up, toyed with, frustrated, cheated on, insulted, used, rejected and had our hearts squashed liked bugs. We have been crying, drinking, smoking, bitching, pill popping, screaming, breaking things and doing a lot of running on treadmills. Every day, it seems, we add to our ranks of Very Angry Women. It is spreading like wildfire and we are sick of it. We are serious. Be afraid. This is a warning. Some of us are good shots. And some of us have access to guns.



We've had enough. We're just going to start killing you now.

Look, men, I'm sure you're all nice guys. Well, most of you. But right now, we are seriously considering hunting you down like scared little bunnies, shooting you dead and skinning your hides. Then we will tack them up to our walls as trophies, complete with a sign saying "My Ex, 2/14/07" or "This is what happens to cheaters." At least, that's what I'm going to do. If I go to jail, at least I'll leave the world a better place.

Don't give me that "oh, look at the bitter single woman!" bullshit. I don't want any comments talking about what I've done to bring this upon myself or how I need to stop being angry/jaded/bitter. Please don't tell me "oh, you'll find a good one soon" or any other corny optimistic bullshit. Keep the "this is why you're single" crap to yourself. Because I hope I'm single for a loooooooong time at this point. And don't you DARE say that I'm being too emotional. I'm not taking any responsibility for any of this crap, and neither are my friends because ALL the responsibility lies with the MEN who pulled this crap on us. In every situation, the guy was responsible 100%. So you can shove your "stop being a victim" comments.

And while I'm at it, men, WTF is up with your entire gender these past two weeks? Because y'all have some serious explaining to do. I think you're all walking backwards on your hands. Looks like your Dickhead Conference was a success. Good job. And y'all wonder why you can't get laid whenever you want...oh, and we just looooooove the timing, btw. Gee, really slick--right before Valentine's Day. What, did you think we wouldn't make the connection? What, you think there won't be 8.17 million women who won't join us? Because they will. They hate Valentine's Day Assholes just as much as we do.

If you are truly a nice guy who hasn't pulled any Asshole Moves lately, then I thank you for being normal, human and kind. I'm sure your girlfriend/wife/S.O./female friend appreciates you very much. Which is good, because you'll need her protection when we come to kill you. If you are a single guy and you can honestly say that you have been a total sweetheart to every woman you know for the past two weeks, we will consider sparing your life. It is, of course, decided on a case-by-case basis. And we'll need testimony from at least 2 ex-girlfriends that you are worthy of living. In writing. Certified by a public notary. By tomorrow.

And to all you happy little couples out there: I'm sure it's great that you're all happy and smiley from feeling loved and appreciated, but can you do the rest of us a favor and knock it off with the PDA this week? Because on Wednesday, you might get a real, actual spitball right on the side of your head. I, myself, will be tripping you as you walk, hand-in-hand down the street. You want to celebrate love? Stay home and have a bonkfest. Leave us angry, single women to our cigarettes, bitching and alcohol. That's right--we claim all drinking establishments. Y'all can have the romantic restaurants, flowers, peni, chocolate and cards. Fair enough?

If you are reading this and thinking, "I'm dating someone, but I hate Valentine's Day, too!", zip it. I don't want to hear from you. Right now, I'm only interested in talking to other single, angry women. Preferably the ones who hate men just as much as I do right now. So unless you'd like to give me some extra bullets you've got laying around, and you're willing to help us kill them, then you have no idea what we are going through right now. You can be my friend on Thursday.

Until then, look for my mug shot in the papers.

Whew. I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent and daydream for a minute.

Gosh, it's a good thing I'm not armed, isn't it? How much do guns cost?