Last night, I was about to leave to go run some errands. It was 7:30. Just as I'm walking towards my front door, I shout, "K!!! Come here!!! Hurry!!!"
She runs over to me. We peer out the window.
That's when I saw her.
She was thin and very glamorously dressed -- flowered sundress, heels, delicate jewelry, movie star sunglasses -- she was smiling and she was tan. And thin. Her voluminous dark hair was doing everything my limp blond hair will never do. Despite the gigantic sunglasses, I could tell she was very pretty. Did I mention she is thin?
Worst of all, she was on a date with Hot Neighbor. I could feel tears of disappointment welling up in my eyes.
Ok, maybe not tears, but I was definitely whining.
They were walking to his car. His car, that was evidently parked behind her car: a brand new, shiny blue convertible sports car. She stopped to help him put his watch on.
HOW DO I COMPETE WITH THIS???
I am so S.O.L., y'all. I told you he's not that into me. I knew it. If he really was, he would have asked me out when he had the chance.
Anyway, they walked to his car, and he opened the door for her. Keep in mind she is grinning from ear to ear the entire time. She was obviously very glad to be on this date. I can't say I blame her. Then he got in and they drove away.
I was crushed.
"It's a Wednesday date, VB," K offered. "You know that's not a big deal. It's only Wednesday."
"Yeah...I know...but he's got his kids this weekend, so he can't go on dates this weekend," I mumbled.
"And he wasn't very dressed up -- a tshirt and khakis? The date obviously means more to her than it does to him," she continued.
"Ok, good point," I whimpered. "But that could have been me! I can't believe he didn't just ask me out!"
"I know! Just because he's out with her doesn't mean he doesn't want to ask you out! He's only out with her because you were going out of town and stuff -- he felt rejected, so he moved on to girl #2. For all you know, you could be #1," she offered.
"I don't feel like #1...." I grumbled.
So once the happy couple pulled away, I got in my car and ran my errands. I began to feel kind of silly, because here I am, I just had a wonderful weekend with another guy, and I'm upset that HN is on a date. It is kind of a double standard, I know. But you see, in my head, HN is supposed to be in lurve with me, and he's supposed to be trying to woo me away from my other suitors. And he will go out with skanks only for the purpose of making me jealous. I mean, that's how it goes, right?
Hollywood has ruined love for American women. That shit only happens on big screens. *sigh*
Stupid overactive imagination....
Where was I? Oh yeah. So, I did notice one important detail. This woman (who I will dub "The Wednesday Skank") is not 2nd wife material. I am. Think about it.
She drives a 2-seater convertible. Not exactly child seat friendly. Where is she going to put the other two kids? In the trunk? Not exactly someone who appears to be open to the concept of having kids in her life anytime soon. People who drive convertibles are usually looking for attention (I am not saying this is a bad thing, because I myself would love a convertible). The new car tags are still on it, so this is a very recent purchase on her part. So this chick is wanting to drive around town, honking and waving at guys. Yeah, she's ready to settle down.
I, on the other hand, drive a large sedan which is equipped for OnStar service. Granted, it's not the most reliable vehicle on the road, but it does have lots of airbags. And I am not going to be distracted by cute boys who want to look at my shiny car if I'm hauling his kids around. Plus, I live next door and I'm a librarian. How much more convenient and reliable can you get?
Also, my rear window has stickers on it. I like people who have car stickers. It shows personality and/or an opinionated mind. Miss Fancy Pants Wednesday Skank didn't have any stickers, not even on her plastic convertible window. She's probably boring.
She seemed high maintenance to me. Like the kind of girl who would flip if she broke a nail or messed up her hair. Like she would be a bitch if the plans got messed up. I can tell she's got expensive taste. I, on the other hand, am all about some TJ Maxx. For a divorced father of three, who is paying child support out the wazoo, I'm sure this is very welcome, and a much better fit for his lifestyle. I don't have Dooney & Bourkes that will be ruined if his little girl decides to decorate it with her Crayola markers. All my purses cost about $15. No biggie.
I also think the disparity between their outfits showed a distinct lack of communication between them. He looked like he was going for wings and beer, she looked like it was Fancy Restaurant Time. So I already see problems in their relationship.
As far as I know, she has no children or pets. (Just go with me here, people, ok?) On the other hand, I have not one, but two dogs. And what do people always say about pet owners who don't have children? Their pets are substitutes. So see? I am experienced in caring for small animals. That's only one step away from caring for small children. I'm already warmed up for it. And we all know that pet owners are healthier, less stressed and more nurturing than non-owners.
As far as I know, she doesn't have experience with a mixed family. I, on the other hand, do. My dad had 2 kids when he met The Czarina. I saw the challenges and joys firsthand. I know what to expect in a situation like that. My mind is already primed and ready for it.
Did I mention she doesn't look like the kind of girl who knows her way around the kitchen?
*sigh* Ok, I feel better now. I had to have my little snarky moment there. We've all done it, right girls?
In reality, I'm sure she's a very nice girl. Maybe I can't compete with that. HN deserves to have a great girl. She is pretty and obviously successful at whatever she does. She seems like a nice person to spend an evening with. And possibly a lot of fun, because they went inside his house when they came back. As of 11:15, when I went to bed, they were still inside his house. No lights on. Not that I was looking when I was walking my dogs or anything....not that I was up late, hoping to see her leave....
I don't know if she spent the night. But she was inside his house after dark, with the lights off.
I can't compete with that.
I'm just going to have to kill her.
Ok, just kidding. But if I would never get caught....
More than anything, though, this has lighted a fire under my ass. I'm wondering if I was his first choice, or if he did that to make me jealous? If so, it worked. I'm on a mission, people. That dumb bitch won't even know what happened.
This weekend, I'm going to pull the ol' "Oh, gosh, I made all this lasagna, and I just can't eat it all! Would you like some? I know you've got the kids this weekend, so I figured you could put it to good use" stunt. I'm going to drag out that question from him, too.
This monkey business has gone on long enough. Stand back, people. I've got some wooing to do.
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17 comments:
woohoo! You go! :) How can he turn down such fabulousness bearing lasagna?? I'm sure Wednesday Skank can't hold a candle to you!
oh crap.
sorry to hear that.
i can soooo relate.
some day i want to be the Weds date of some hot guy!
Oh VB, you and I have the most dreamy imaginations... It's a blessing, it's a curse. *sigh*
Yup, I too would totally think HN was out with WS to make me jealous. Unfortunately, the chances of that are slim to none. (Recall my "get with your girlfriend's girlfriends" post?) It would actually mean he would have to think and plan, when he couldn't even get a question out of his mouth.
I'd drop him like taking a freshly baked lasagna out of the oven barehanded...
Now, about that Magician. :o)
Hot Neighbor needs to come to his senses soon. I mean really, you are TOTALLY 2nd wife (or even first or third wife) material!
If you ask me, he's missing out big time!
And along with that lasagna, if you would happen to bring over a DVD or book for the kidlings--after all you ARE a librarian--then you would 'have it made in the shade.' :)
And dont forget dessert. You can just pop over about 30 minutes later to drop that off as well. Everyone has a sweet tooth.
VB is on the warpath. You go girl!
PS: If he's dating her, consider that he might not be looking for Wifey#2 yet. He's probably still in his Sow Wild Oats stage...especially since the lights were off and everything for hours.
She's just the bit of fluff on the side...but he did ask her out. So if he's looking for fluff, he might not yet be ready to be with you and he knows this. Remember, you as so not fluff.
Seriously, Wednesday Skank has nothing on you. I mean seriously, I am pretty sure I would rather hang out with you more than her.
I think you're forgetting something very important. As my mother would say, what decent guy would make a girl he really likes pick HIM up for their first date??
I say you still have a chance! Go for it!
OH Miss VB, I'm afraid that you don't give yourself enough credit. Your hot girl! This biatch seems like she is just too super high maintenance for HN. Let's see if she would ever be around his house on a weekend when he would have his kids...i doubt it. Anyone that likes/haves expensive things is usually not child friendly (take me for example haha).
And your right about the Hollywood movie thing. I always expect Boyfriend to come and scoop me up in his arms and carry me off into the sunset, but we usually just end up watching a movie or something.
As for HN, go get em killer!
Go for it. Bring over the lasagna and some kid friendly desserts, like M&M cookies. No child could pass those up. Look at it this way, if you can make his children happy (food and candy always make kids happy) that's a few points for you.
And while you are at it, take some food over to your elderly neighbor. Score some points with her too. She seems to know a lot about him.
I'll bet she asked him out.
Jesus Christ, you think too much. :) Here is my impression of you, except from the other side of the fence:
-The convertible is her second car. She's actually incredibly wealthy. Her SUV was left at home.
-She just bought the car, so she hasn't had time to put stickers on it yet.
-She's ultra-high-maintenance, but he'll be okay with it. Because of her incredible wealth, when she breaks a nail, she picks up her cell phone and buys a completely new hand.
-She always dresses classy. It comes with being wealthy. You can't run into a fellow member of the Millionaire Club in your sweatpants. It's simply not allowed. She can make an excuse for his dress by saying he's "the help."
-She has no children of her own because she would much rather fly to a third world country and adopt from there. She has seven children from Africa and Asia back at her mansion, though. And they all adore her.
-Her name is Natasha. How can you possibly compete with a girl with such a romantic name?
Now... I'm not to sort of person to say I told you so, because I believe people are usually smart enough to remember my advice, which they ignored. Instead, I'm going to offer you one final piece of advice, before never advising you again.
Go over there. Ask him if he has plans for next weekend. Tell him you'd like him to come over for dinner. Be assertive.
(And when I say "come over for dinner" I mean COME OVER, sit down in my house, eat at my table. No more of this "here are my leftovers" nonsense.)
=)
Well, it's about time you took matters into your own hands and made a move!
I am certain everything will work out fine.
This was the funniest post ever. I just love how your imagination runs wild! It's funny because it's true, we all know we've been there, got so paranoid over the littlest thing and let our imagination get the best of us. Myspace for example, is the downfall of overly paranoid girls everywhere (myself the number on culprit). Ok, Forget Wednesday Skant, get your fine self over there with the invitation to come join you for the lasgagna, I agree with Stuck, no more of this "'here are my leftovers' nonsense." and furthermore, I agree totally with JP, why is she driving over there? he definitely should have picked her up, and would have had he thought she was a serious potential girlfriend. Only problem with you is that you'll never know if he'd pick you up or if you had to drive over there! I'm still skeptical about the whole kids thing, but now I am adament that you get him just to put that tan bitch in her place! woo hoo!
coco -- yeah...everyone likes lasagna, right?
m-- oh crap is right. i'm done for. that's it. game over.
BCOL -- girl, you pretty much just read my mind!!! after a good night's sleep, i'm not nearly as cocky as i was yesterday. :( i agree that the chances of the jealousy idea are slim to none...time to move on. yeah, about that magician....*sigh*
FP-- thank you. :) but i think it may be time to admit defeat....
cmk -- ok, but the only reason i would bring something with me to distract the kidlings would be so that i could ravish him. wait...maybe that's your point...
Vixen -- YEAH!! she's fluff!!! I like that....i have thought that maybe i should wait patiently and let him get the Wild Oats phase overwith.....then make my move...the way i see it is, he can't be THAT into her if he can't be bothered to even pick her up.
scott- really??? aw. that means a lot, coming from a guy who has never met me and has no idea what i look like or am like in real life. LOL
jp-- yeah, that's what i'm saying! he must not like her that much. he didnt' seem to want to inconvenience himself much for her. no driving, no dressing up...i wonder if he even paid...why am i getting the gut feeling that she asked him out???
meghan -- OOH! good idea. i will see if she's at his house this weekend when the kidlings are there. that would be a test....
MJ-- see, that's what i'm thinking...psh, i know how that ends up....either the guy is a pansy who ends up letting the woman run the show OR it blows up in her face because the guy was never that into her anyway. YES i am speaking from experience. this is why i don't ask guys out....
which leads me to...
Stuckey-- i. do. not. ask. guys. out. ever. END OF STORY. if he can't be bothered to ask me out, he won't be bothered to do other things for me, either. Guys with balls = hot. I do not force things. if it's meant to be, it will happen on its own. I don't need to be in a rush. Good things come to those who wait.
RWA-- no, it won't. sure, i might say something ballsy next time i see him, out of sheer frustration, and he might come over for dinner, but it will blow up in my face. trust me. if i don't f--k it up at the time, it will blow up on me later on.
sj-- glad you liked my post! and i know exactly what you mean about myspace. ugh, it is the death of people like us.
Aww, VB, sorry to hear this happened. How can your neighbor not see how cool you are?!
Does this mean we need to send you some binoculars or some secret spy stuff? Sure would make for some great blog fodder. :)
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