I'm not much of a Doors fan, but this song has been running through my mind today.
You know how much I hate Wal-Mart. Because of my deep hatred for this institution and its patrons, it is really irritating to be forced to shop there due to personal financial reasons (ie, I am now living alone). And it's even more irritating when you forget why you NEVER go to Wal-Mart on weekends, let alone during the day, only to arrive on a Sunday afternoon and be reminded instantly: Wal-Mart is Hell on Earth. Or at least a weekly convention of nasty people.
Alas, this was what I did last weekend. I bravely ventured into the insanity that is Wally World on a weekend. Too broke to shop at the regular grocery store and too lazy to drive halfway across town to go to Target, I decided to hit my local one-stop-shop, Wal-Mart. By the end of my trip, I was so tired of being stared at, cat-called and dealing with smelly and stupid and scary people, I was literally running through the store. Convinced I was going to be kidnapped and taken to Mexico, only to be gang-banged and forced to live out my life as a drug mule, I began to panic. I almost hit a guy in the frozen foods aisle as I wheeled around a corner in a panic-stricken sprint. I just wanted to GET OUT of the building by that point.
I wanted to go take a shower. I felt dirty. Wal-Mart grosses me out. Icky. I got into my car and slathered everything from my elbows to fingertips with hand sanitizer. Blech!!! No amount of money saved is worth it to me to ever go through that again. I will go back to my strict rule of going to Wal-Mart only when I run out of the things which MUST be purchased at Wal-Mart (my vitamins, my mascara, my favorite juice) and only during the week after the sun goes down.
There were more strange people in my weekend, though. I have ventured into Craig's List. I need a roommate and I have been thinking about selling Toby. (Not because he's a bad dog, but because I need the money.) So I placed some ads. It was very quick and easy, not to mention free, so I definitely had a good initial experience.
Then I started to get the emails in response to my ad for a roommate....
That's when I learned that people with overactive imaginations do not mix well with Craig's List.
One person used the word "rentage" (among other cringe-worthy English errors), as in, "What is the rentage?"
My imagination said, "This person is drunk or high as they are typing this, because the TITLE of the ad clearly states the 'rentage' of the room. You do not want to live with an addict. Or someone who doesn't have a firm grasp on English. Or reading comprehension. Next."
One person said they would be interested in renting the room because they will soon be moving to the area for job-related reasons. It all depends on how the "negotiations" go.
My imagination said, "Negotiations? What, like he's in the mob? And he's vying for the Vice Don position? Or he's attempting a hostile corporate takeover? Or he needs to see how his parole hearing goes? None of these people have any business living in your spare bedroom. Next."
One person wanted to know what form of payment I accept.
My imagination said, "Um....check or cash, just like everywhere else in America. Visa is not everywhere they need to be. Money orders, payday advances and stuff like that are also not going to work. Neither are payments in livestock or virgins or coconuts. Seriously, where are these people from? Neptune? I'm thinking this Craig's List thing was a bad idea. Wait, is it a guy who can fix stuff? Because fixing stuff can go towards rent. That's the only exception. Shit, if he's hot and wears a tool belt, he can pay half."
One guy was a "quiet" 57 year old man.
My imagination said, "Dude, I am not living with a 57 year old man. He's probably an ex-con or a convicted sexual predator who cannot find anywhere else to live, because no one wants to live with him. At the very least, he obviously has bad credit. And anyone who describes themselves as 'quiet' is either very loud or is hiding something very illegal. No way, Jose."
Another man wanted to make sure his privacy would be "expected".
My imagination said, "Dude, he wrote a whole paragraph about privacy. Not that I would be interested in going through a complete stranger's things anyway, but what exactly is he going to be doing in there that would require privacy so adamantly? That really freaks me out, because obviously, this guy grows marijuana plants. Or he films porn movies in his room. Or he is a serial rapist and needs a private place to store all the souvenirs from his crimes. Or he masturbates to Disney movies. Can we place a veto on criminals and porn directors, please? I mean, seriously. Why is your house so attractive to felons and perverts?"
So, needless to say, I have not found a suitable replacement yet. I don't know if I'm just freaked out by the idea of living with a TOTAL stranger, or if I really want to try and re-work my budget so I can live alone forever. Maybe get a PT job. Or at least hold out for a normal, single, younger-than-57 woman. Preferably a friend. Or someone who would end up being a friend. As opposed to someone who would want to re-enact Single White Female.
Some grad school students I emailed with sounded good, but none of them need a place until August. I do have one girlfriend who needs a place starting in July (perrrrrrfect!), but she doesn't know if she's going to keep her job or move. Argh.
Anyone have GOOD Craig's List experiences to share? Tips for weeding out potentially bad roommates? Or ideas for a solution to my problem? Hmmm...perhaps I should look into part-time work. What would be fun for the summer? Who will hire a young woman with an overactive imagination? Probably some weirdo....