Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Pet Peeves

Usually, when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change. --Malcolm X

I'm hoping to gain some inspiration from this quote, as my sad, self-pitying mood has given way to the next stage of upset: bitterness. Soon I will advance to the next stage, cynicism and then finally, anger. Let me assure you, I'm in a *fantastic* mood. Did I mention that sarcasm hits at the same time as the cynicism stage?

Yesterday afternoon was when I really was leaving sadness and moving on to deeper and darker moods. The kickoff tipping point was my after-work trip to Wal-Mart. Ah, nothing like Wally World to put you in a bad mood. What you save in pennies, you pay in annoyance. This trip was no different: too many people, too many smelly people, screaming children, ogling Mexicans who undress me with their eyes (Have they never seen blonde hair before? Why is it just the Mexicans who do this?), idiots who behave as though they have never ever been in a friggin' Wal-Mart before, clueless people who block the aisles, happy couples shopping together--remember that I'm bitter, empty shelves so you can't even buy the stuff you came there for, filthy produce department, disorganized ice cream....I could go on and on. To make matters worse, I was thinking about all the sketchy business practices of the company as I was shopping. I felt wrong for patronizing their business, but you know how it is! You can't afford NOT to shop at Wal-Mart. We are all screwed.

I just wanted to get my stuff and get the hell out of there so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. Luckily, I was able to get in the quickie lane, since I was only buying about ten things. That's when she got behind me. One of those people who doesn't understand personal space. We've all had to deal with these people. The ones who stand thisclosetoyou and seem to not know/care about your elbow room. Why aren't they as uncomfortable as the other person? You'd think they would annoy themselves before they even had time to bug you. Personal space is an innate human behavior. When you put ten people in a room, they naturally spread themselves out equi-distantly. This is something humans learned when we were cavemen! Why haven't the personal space invaders been breeded out by now? No one likes them! Who is keeping their genes in the pool? It boggles the mind. Dealing with these Personal Space Violaters is such a horrible feeling! They're breathing down your neck, you are so creeped out that the hairs on the back of your neck prickle, you keep trying to move away (which is especially hard to do when you are waiting in a line and someone is also in front of you) and they just scoot up behind you! It's like they are playing a game where they must remain within two inches of your ass or something. Are they playing a trick--like they come to Wal-Mart in groups and dare each other to do this? Do they get extra points depending on how annoying they are? It seriously makes me want to elbow them in the ribs and then say, "Oh, sorry!" That would teach them.

This lady had an especially annoying sub-habit. She talked to herself in a way that basically begged you to start a discussion with her. She spoke in a way so as to straddle between half-whisper and half-out loud. When you turn around to see to whom she is speaking, she is already looking right at you without any hint of expression on her face--just blankly staring at you. Uuuugh....so....creepy. And annoying. I just pretended I couldn't hear her and decided that if she tried to talk to me directly, I would pretend I was deaf. I could fake sign language. Sorta.

I kept trying to get away from her as much as possible, but she kept right on scooting up behind me to the point where she might as well have rested her chin on my shoulder! As she scooted, I scooted. Then I realized I was being a scooter to the man in front of me! Now she's making me look like a Personal Space Violater! I wanted to apologize to the man, but he didn't seem to notice, so I let it go. Now she was really making me angry. We continued to keep playing the cat and mouse game all the way up until it became my turn to unload my stuff. As I'm putting it up there, I realize she is also a huge busybody because she is looking at all of my stuff! She stood right beside me, peering into my cart! If she was any closer to my purchases, her nose would be touching them! I expected her to start handling my stuff. But she didn't. Well, this was the last straw for me. I shot her a look that said: Look, b---h, you'd better back the f--k off before I jack you in the face. What is your deal anyway, you complete freak of a human?! Don't think that I haven't noticed this little game you have been playing. Knock it off before I shove this bottle of canola oil down your throat.

Then I left. I'm never going to Wal-Mart again.

9 comments:

TheDailySketch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
teahouse said...

Sorry about the personal space woman. That's just icky.

Then again, I've found that personal space violators are much more prevalent here in New York than anywhere else I've lived. I guess it's just the close proximity to tons of people day in and day out.

Stuck said...

I have a huge bubble of personal space, but I occassionally do find it amusing to violate someone else's space, especially in situations they can't escape such as a check-out line, just to see their reaction.

Wal-Mart is much, much cooler at 3:00am, especially the one here in West Columbia. That's when the people who can't be seen in Wal-Mart during the daylight visit.

NML said...

I guess I know why people fart in public now. It must be to keep people out of their personal space. I don't recommend that you do that though...

Ethical shopping is a difficult one as I am not inclined to believe that there are many ethical companies that don't forsake humans for profit. Yes we can show with our wallet, but someone else feels it much further down the line when the company falters big style. However, I refuse to buy at full price from anyone that I know that is not corporately responsible. The slave still gets the same money whether you buy jeans for $50 or $10.

mhorts said...

You just need to right attitude when you go to Wal-Mart. You aren't there to shop, you are there to be amused by the other people who shop there. That is the only way I can stand to do the grocery shopping.

One thing that is fun to do with personal space violators is to carry a small digital camera with you. When they get too close, take a quick closeup of their face with the flash on. You don't know what will happen, but I doubt they will get any closer. Maybe you could combine the pictures into a really popular coffee-table book, make a couple million dollars, retire early, and never shop at Wal-Mart again.

The camera could also come in handly with the Leering Latinos.

The Dummy said...

And there's always that Retard Rule at Wal-Mart: for some cosmic reason, the person buying something in front of you is going to fuck up the transaction somehow and make everyone in line wait. It always happens!

Virginia Belle said...

Oh, DD! That person is me! See, I pay for everything w/AmEx and every so often, it won't work properly and the computer locks up after i swipe my card. i know i know! i feel like i should pay for everyone standing behind me!

the people i hate being stuck behind are the Coupon Ladies, who have coupons for EVERYTHING and argue w/the clerk over each item. it is soooo annoying, and they waste all that time just to save what ends up being about $3.25. aaaaarrrgh!

Anonymous said...

I have a rule: I dont set foot in WalMart's Festival of Values unless Im packing heat. I think it was Marge Simpson who once said, "...that's a REALLY good price on fifty pounds of nutmeg."

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