Monday, July 23, 2007

*gulp!* Another Conversation with My Brain

Since MJ is doing the next installment of our NYC trip, I will let you skedaddle on over there for more NYC stories.

That way, I can give you the small update about my love life. Yes, it's true. I have an update.

I took the dogs for a short run at the park yesterday. I was kinda sweaty, but realized I needed to do some yard work. "No time like the present," said Little Miss Productive, "You might as well do it now before it gets too hot."

So I was in my front yard yesterday, doing some weeding and watering. "Pee Yoo! I stink!" I thought.

"Just finish up this little bit of weeding, and then you can go inside and take a shower," Little Miss Productive urged.

"But I'm stinky and hungry! And my fingernails are all green!" whined Prisspot.

I went back to weeding. Who appeared out of nowhere???

Cute Neighbor.

"See??!! I told you we should have taken a shower! Now you're stinky! And your makeup has slid off of your face. Stay far away from him so he won't smell your stanky swamp ass!" Prisspot said.

Cute Neighbor and I made some small talk in my front yard. I asked about his dad, he asked about my trip to NYC & Vermont. Yadda yadda. We talked for probably a half hour.

"Ok, this is going pretty good," said Stupidly Optimistic.

"Except for the fact that you currently smell like a buffalo," retorted Pessimistically Paranoid.

"I told you!" shrieked Prisspot.

This conversation with my brain was suddenly interrupted by Cute Neighbor, who was explaining to me how he still had some of the cookies left from when I brought him a plate the other day. "Yeah, I keep them in the fridge so they don't go stale. I eat one per day."

"Wow, that's totally something we would do," said Nerd.

"No it isn't. You could never eat one cookie per day. You'd scarf those puppies down so fast it would make anyone's head swim. What planet are you on, lady?" said Good Point.

"Oops. He's still talking. Pay attention!" said Space Cadet.

Cute Neighbor went on: "Yeah, those cookies are really good. I need to take you out to dinner sometime to thank you for making me all these cookies."

"WHAT?!" screamed Panic.

"Holy Shit! Is that a date??" exclaimed Single Girl.

"You go, girl! Project Cookie Seduction worked!" said Confident.

"OMG, this is a horrible, horrible idea. This will never work. You can't go out with your neighbor. No digging in your own backyard!" said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"This! Is! Awesome! You're going to have such a nice time! He's a super nice guy! And you're a super nice girl! Let's do cartwheels!" squealed Stupidly Optimistic.

"Wait....did he even just ask you on a date? Because that could be interpreted several ways," cautioned Cynical.

"No, that was totally an ask-out! Wheeeee!" said Stupidly Optimistic. [Stupidly Optimistic does cartwheels with Space Cadet.]

"Ooh! Maybe we should go shopping. You need to make sure you wear something devastating. And do your hair," said Single Girl.

"Yes, please do your hair. It looks so awful when you just let it hang there. Kind of like how it is right now," said Inner Mom Voice.

"Um, ok, he hasn't exactly picked a time and a place, people. Also, he's waiting for an answer. Hello??" said Good Point.

"What? Sorry. I was thinking about lunch," said Space Cadet.

"We need to respond to his statement in some way that indicates interest," said Good Point.

"NO! No reply! Let's just pretend we didn't hear him and hurriedly go back inside! Run! Before it's too late!" shouted Panic. "We can't go on a date! We haven't been on a good date in....shit, a really long-ass time. We're fine just how we are right now. Why mess that up??"

"Look, Panic. Just because we are all terrified of dating in any way, shape or form doesn't mean we have to spend the rest of our lives sleeping alone. Eventually, we are going to have to go on a date again. And eventually, there may even be emotional investment. Not necessarily with this guy, but it will happen. You are going to have to just deal with your fears, and not at the expense of potential happiness, either. I swear, if you don't knock it off with this self-destructive mentality...." said Overly Analytical.

"But it's just going to happen again! The last guy seemed nice at first, too! And look what happened! It's just easier to stay single and alone!" cried Panic.

"Panic's bringing up good points," added Pessimistically Paranoid. Cynical nodded in agreement. "Maybe this is a bad idea."

"Speak for yourselves. We're broke and could use the free dinner," said Cheapskate.

"Um, Pervert and I have a question," interrupted Horny, nervously. "Is there going to be any potential for smooches on this supposed date?"

"NO!!!!" shouted Paranoid, Single Girl and Cynical.

"How about ass-grabbing?" asked Pervert.

"Definitely NOT!!!!" yelled Shy and Inner Mom Voice.

"People. You are worrying about future details. If we don't respond in some way to this, the whole dumb date won't even happen at all. Can we get our act together and give him some kind of reaction?" said Good Point.

[For some unknown and highly arbitrary reason, Shy was nominated to speak for all the Voices in response to this statement from Cute Neighbor.]

"Oh. Uh. Ok. Sounds good," stammered Shy.

*All the Voices roll their eyes.*

I talked to Cute Neighbor for a couple more minutes. He left without making any specific plans.

"Can we take a shower now? I'm icky!" whined Prisspot.

"See???? I told you there's no way he'd actually be asking you out! He was just making small talk." said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"That's ok, he will! Maybe he'll come over tomorrow!" said Stupidly Optimistic.

"Tomorrow???!!!! Oh no!!!!!!" said Panic.

....and that's why it's now 1pm and I still haven't gone to lunch. Cute Neighbor works from home. He will be there. Right near my house, when I'm munching on my sandwich. He might want to talk to me. Ugh. WHY am I so petrified at the concept of going on a date???? We are way past nervous butterflies here, people. I'm totally panicking at the notion of going on a date. I need some reassurance. Or drugs. Something. Help!!!!


JP said...

Ah... dating! Is there anything more fun?

True story: A friend noticed the boy down the street and after a period of chatting and flirting, she threw a Halloween party, just so she could invite him. He came over, they started dating and have since bought a house together! Go with Happily Optimistic :)

Phantom Hater said...

Whoa, relax. I think you're about to go Jamie Gumb on us or something with all of those voices. If one starts telling you to kill the neighbor's dog, please get help A.S.A.P.

Being relaxed is always good. It makes the other person relaxed as well. It does sound as if he was asking you on a date. There are ways to get one nailed down if someone doesn't come right out and ask you. For example, respond with "Well, I'm free on such and such" to get him to cough up a date and time. Also, I know this probably goes against Rule #613 or whatever, but at this point you could coyly ask "So how about that dinner date?" or something at this point if you talk to him again. Just my 17 cents.

I couldn't possibly eat one cookie per day. They would just taunt me from the fridge. That guy has much more self-control than me.

Also, I think sweaty, dirty girls are hot, so maybe that helped you out a little. :)

Behind The Curve said...

Dating is scary to me too, so don't feel alone on that one. That said, it's NEVER as bad as I think it's going to be. So no more thinking, turn all them voices to mute, and go!

lenfercestlesautres said...

If one starts telling you to kill the neighbor's dog, please get help A.S.A.P.

LOL! That was my first thought too.

Seriously, it's no use to listen to one's brain. Except when it wants to stop you from being pathetic. Then it's a really good idea to listen.

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

OMG!! Can I tell you how much I LUUUURRRRVVVEEE this post!?!? Good job. I especially love the Prisspot character. She has been showing up in my own head alot today since I dressed and looked pretty much like a homeless person all this weekend.

No need to be nervous about the date, you will be fine. Hopefully he will bring it up again and then you can use Phantom Hater's line. That was good stuff.

He was totally asking you out on a date, but I think his "Shy" came out a little bit by not setting a date and time. He wanted to know if you were interested.

coffeesnob said...

it's always nice when a new character is introduced into a favourite show. this is first time i've met "inner mom voice". does she get many speaking lines?

i wonder, does this chorus of off-stage voices all blab into your ear at the time of the encounter with your neighbour, or afterwards, when you thinking over it?

Anonymous said...

ok, that was hilarious! I'm sure that you'll go out and have a great time :)

Scotty said...

No more thinking! :)

Stuck said...

Ok... he's a geek, right? That's how geeks ask girls out. Not too forward, not too specific, just feeling out the general response. You can either wait a month for him to get around to setting up a time, or you can tell him what nights you're free and he will take that as a more positive yes than "Uh. Ok. Yeah."

Kraig said...

Yaa, you got a date :)

as for the hot and sweaty thing, don't worry about it. It makes guys think of other times where you'll be sweaty. as wierd as it sounds, thats why guys check girls out at gyms all the time. that and the fact they are wearing tight clothes and are generally in good shape :|

Don't let shy VB take over on the date, especially if he's shy.

Fluffycat said...

Just go out with him. It sounds like he's probably going to be as nervous as you if not more. Look at it as you are just getting to know someone, who may or may not be a romantic interest for you. If he's not the right person, well, you get some practice in dating, which is not a bad thing. Have fun!

Coco said...

In all the ways I enjoy immensely.

cmk said...

Fun, fun read! Have a great time on your date. :)

RWA said...

Let's get rid of all the voices but Pervert - at least when you're on your date with Cute Neighbor.

tallglassofvino said...

HAH! the sad thing is, ALL the voices have some validity.
THAT said, stick with Optimistic, who seems to have a good head on her shoulders.

Dating a neighbor is fraught wtih cautions - hell, I wont even date a man in the same professional industry as me, it gets too complicated - but you seem to have enough space/definition of yourself as an individual to make it work.

think though some potential 'bad situations' first, though, just to gain some insight of if you could handle it if you did split up, and had to witness the others' moving forward.. ( is my own experience showing too much here...?) gah.