Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Tuesday 13

Thirteen Things My Boyfriend Cannot or Will Not Do

1. Swim -- I am not kidding. He'd drop like a block of cement. He can't even float or do the doggy-paddle. When we go on the cruise, I'm going to make him wear Water Wings.

2. Turn left -- Yup, just like Zoolander. He wanted to be in marching band in high school, but when it came to marching around, he would always turn right when he was supposed to turn left. And turn left when he was supposed to turn right. He had to stick to just playing the saxophone sitting down.

3. Cook -- He made mashed potatoes the other day. You'd think that he had climbed Mt. Everest, the way he was talking about it. I was proud. Well, as proud as you can be for someone who only made mashed potatoes.

4. Dust -- CN's house is very clean and tidy. Except for the layers of dust coating everything. He says that real men don't dust. And I sort of agree, so I don't bug him about it. But neither do I dust his house for him! I just ignore the dust bunnies.

5. Listen to the radio -- He won't leave the house without his Sirius radio. I should start calling it his "lifeline". Even if he's only running a ten minute errand -- it's got to come along! Actually, the same can be said about his GPS. It doesn't matter if he already knows how to get there, or if he's only driving across the street. He wants his GPS. Men and their gadgets, I guess.

6. Floss -- Yeah. You read that correctly. I try not to nag him about this, although it kind of grosses me out. So I just remind myself that his teeth are pretty good, and I try not to think about it.

7. Tan-- If his skin were any paler, he would be transparent. He is like one of those cave-dwelling animals you see in National Geographic. If I stare at his chest long enough, I swear I can see his internal organs. Kind of like how you can see E.T.'s beating and glowing red heart. But since I believe that real men don't go to tanning salons, he remains pale, if only under protest.

8. Break traffic laws -- He never speeds. He obeys all signs, even if there isn't a cop within sight. He comes to a complete stop at all stop signs. He never runs red lights. He uses his turn signal 100% of the time. He makes me look like Evel Knievel.

9. Stop watching WWF wrestling -- Oh yeah. He got hooked in 6th grade, and he's still watching it. He records all the shows so that he can have a wrestling marathon. He says it's like a "soap opera for men". You have no idea how much I am biting my tongue to not tease him about this incessantly. I guess the little boy in him is too cute for me to say anything. I am sorry to say that the phrase "Stone Cold Steve Austin" has entered my vocabulary.

10. Limit himself to one computer -- As of today, I believe he has three. Who has three computers?? Oh yeah. I know. His dad. He is turning into his dad: when his computer gets a virus or starts to run slowly, he just buys another one. CN is the same way. He doesn't try to buy more hard drive, see what's wrong, look for a cheaper alternative or defrag or anything! This blows my mind! I had to talk him out of buying computer #4 this past weekend!

11. Raise his voice -- I have never heard him do it. I like to think this says a lot for how well we get along. It's a good thing he is so patient and understanding, because I can be a butthead. And a basketcase. I also do not tolerate boyfriends who yell. I really appreciate that he leaves all the screaming to me. Because I enjoy a good temper tantrum now and then.

12. Enjoy Mexican food -- This almost breaks my heart, because Mexican food is probably my favorite cuisine. But because his stomach is a little on the sensitive side, he can eat Mexican food, but he always ends up paying for it later. I started to feel so badly for dragging him to the Mexican places, I told him he won't ever have to eat there again. So now, I stick to hitting San Jose's with my girls instead.

13. Eat normal food combinations -- Grits? He wants sardines and mustard in them. (Um, EW!!!) Turkey sandwich? Yeah, he wants his with grape jelly. Bananas? He'd like that in a mayonnaise/banana sandwich combo, please. The man is a freak.

My boyfriend is so weird.


NML said...

This was priceless. You are so frickin' funny! I may join you and do one of these posts about the boyf as he is quirky too! The Zoolander thing had me howling with laughter! Maybe you should buy him some fake tan....nah, he could end up looking like an oompa loompa!

Matilda Jane said...

Just when my stomach was starting to feel better.... I read what CN likes to eat. ew.

Phantom Hater said...

Sardines, mustard, and grits? Mayonnaise and bananas? wtf? Those are like the nastiest combos I've ever heard of.

I love Mexican. It should be a male favorite, because it's crazy cheap. If a girl likes Mexican, consider yourself lucky, because you can eat for under 10 bucks, and usually get good deals on lethal margaritas.

"Real men don't tan". "Real men" are usually the guys who work in blue-collar, outdoor jobs. If you're behind a desk all day or something, you're going to get pale. Whatever. I say, if he really is that fair-skinned, he should hit a tanning salon for a bit before the cruise, unless you want to see him peeling skin off like one of those zombies in an 80's horror flick. We're all probably dying of cancer someday anyway.

Definitely make him wear the Water Wings. That would make for some funny pictures.

I don't really "dust" either, unless I'm walking by and notice it. I do hit the TV, entertainment center, and fanblades, since it seems that's where most dust seems to collect.

Technically, #5 should be "Leave without the radio", otherwise you're saying that he will not listen to the radio. Sorry, I had to rag you because you pointed out a spelling error on my blog the other day.

Stuck said...

Only three computers? I thought he was geekier than that. My opinion of him has dropped one notch. ;)

Jonathan Zero said...

I watch wrestling every Friday night. We know it is stupid, we know it is fake but something keeps us coming back for more.

Caz said...

Those food combos are gross! But then again, I'm sure we all eat odd things that other people think are gross.
Being Canadian I love maple syrup on my pancakes, and if it runs into my bacon/sausage/ham whatever then YUM!
AB the boyfriend thinks this is the oddest combination and will actually eat all the meat before he even puts syrup on the plate so they don't touch.

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

Men and their "soap operas"....my ex used to say the same thing. Do you remember The Ultimate Warrior? He was the coolest!

And yes, Alex informed me that he DOES NOT dust. I informed him that he must dust.

Smug said...

I told my husband that he could watch wrestling as his guilty pleasure if I could be free to watch General Hospital as mine! He can't give me a hard time and I can't give him a hard time!

I don't floss as often as I should and I kick myself each night when (already in bed) I realize that I have forgotten it. Flossing is just such a hard habit to get into for me....

You are such a funny writer - you should think about putting together a book of all your funny posts! I bet it would sell like hot cakes!!

teahouse said...

Oh, great, now I have "Turn on Your Heart Light" running through my head...

jennster said...

but he adores you. right? lol