Wednesday, July 25, 2007

NYC Trip, cont.

Um, I think this is part 4, but I'm not sure. The last installment is at MJ's though.

One thing MJ and I forgot to share was our token NYC Homeless Person moment. [Note: The taste of this post is in some question. I realize this isn't much different than most of my posts, but if you have a weak stomach or are easily offended, you might want to skip this part. Then again, if you are like that, why are you reading my blog? But I digress.]

MJ and I were waiting outside of a vitamin store while KT went inside to buy some dietary supplements or something. We were still drinking our coffee, I think, when a homeless woman walked up to us.

She had dried snot all over her face, and asked us--actually, it was more of a slurred request-- for money. It was pretty obvious she would use any donated cash for large quantities of alcohol or illegal drug purchases, so we said no. The homeless lady continued on down the street, veering all over the sidewalk. I went back to talking to MJ.

A few seconds later, MJ poked me in the arm, pointed in the direction of the homeless lady, and said, "Look!"

Dumbass that I am, I fell for it. I turned to look over my shoulder to see the homeless woman's ass. All of it. She was scratching it as she walked down the street. Then she yanked her pants back up.

After sarcastically thanking MJ for pointing that out to me, we continued on our way (I believe we were on our way to the Empire State Building??) with KT in tow. As we walked, MJ related a story that Rocky had told her about another homeless woman in NYC.

Apparently, Rocky had seen a homeless woman peeing in an alley or something, and he had been amazed at her technique. As most women know, peeing while standing up, for a woman, means you end up peeing all over yourself. So this little story will actually serve as a PSA for women without toilets everywhere. Keep this in mind for the next time you go camping, girls.

According to Rocky, this woman grabbed her ankles while peeing, causing her flow to project behind her in a totally horizontal way. Not only is horizontal pee apparently something amazing to behold, it's also a very effective way to avoid peeing on yourself.

I am not telling you this to gross you out. It plays a role in the Tale of Our Trip later on, I swear.

Alright, so where did MJ leave off? Oh yes, we met up with Rocky down near Ground Zero to give him his keys. Century 21 was a total zoo. Then we went to Canal Street for some shopping.

I was looking for this, or something similar (big, with a slouchy middle) only in a knock-off version. I found one, but the zipper didn't work. [Insert small cry here.]

After much hemming and hawing, I decided to get this one, since it looked like "me":

Ah, I'm a sucker for metallic leather....anyway, it's supposedly a Tod's knockoff, although I'm unable to find any image of an "official" Tod's bag looking even remotely similar to mine. In any case, it doesn't matter, because I love it.

Exhausted from shopping and walking all day, we headed back to Rocky's (via my favorite, the NYC Subway!!!) to meet up with him and his roommates for dinner. By the time the 6 of us were ready to go, we were starved. As we walked around Greenwich Village, searching for a good place to eat (translation: one on which we can all agree!), KT suddenly shrieked:


(See? I told you this post was in poor taste. Gah, I don't even want to think about the terms that will pop up on my statcounter now....*shudders*)

It turns out that KT loves this adult novelty store called The Pink Pussycat. We were saddened to see that it was closed, but we took a photo in front of it anyway. The guys stood and watched us get excited about this adult toy store. They were confused by our excitement over such a place. Huh? Were they serious? Men, lovers of all things sexual, didn't see what the big deal was about a sex store??? After some prying on our parts, it was determined that they did not realize there were items for them inside these places, and thought we liked the fuzzy bedroom slippers or something.

Um, not hardly. We decided to educate the guys about the joys of sex toy stores over dinner. They had almost no experience with sex toy/porn stores AT. ALL.

(File this under "Things I Did Not Know About Men"!)

Still starving, we needed to pick a place to eat. We decided to go to Tio Pepe's, a Spanish-Mexican place nearby. (Correct me if I'm wrong, MJ, but I think you can see our round table in the foreground of the first picture!) Everyone (but me, obviously) enjoyed their sangria and beer while we waited for our nacho appetizer.

Our $8 nacho appetizer.

Which had a grand total of 6 nachos on it.

"Good thing we're not hungry!" someone joked.

2 seconds later, those were gone. Feeling the pinch in my wallet at this point, I decided to order an appetizer for my meal to save money. "I'm on a diet, anyway, so it will be good if it's a smaller portion," I thought.

I got the most measly excuse for a quesadilla I've ever seen in my life. It was delicious, don't get me wrong. But the portion size? It wouldn't keep a mouse alive. Apparently in NYC, appetizers are far different from meals. They are called "tapas", which is Spanish for "you will starve". Unlike in SC, where "appetizer" means "a large, cheaper and possibly deep fried meal, disguised by a fancy name".

"Note to self," I thought.

To my left, MJ & KT were enjoying their gigantic, steaming bowls of $20 paella. "We're going to need to-go boxes," they told the waiter. "Dammit!" I thought. Oh well.

We headed back to Rocky's apartment to get ready to go out. Since there were 3 girls and only one bathroom, MJ decided to entertain herself with the xBox while I got ready. She found some strange Burger King game, and began playing it.

Little did she and I know that within a matter of seconds, we'd need many kleenex to sop up our tears of laughter. The game is a total riot. I made the mistake of watching her play while I brushed my teeth and almost snorted my Colgate. I wish I could show you all of the funny things MJ made The King do (like running around in tiny circles very VERY quickly), but I can't. So this video will have to suffice.

MJ and I want to buy an xBox now, JUST so we can play that game. I have rarely laughed so hard in my life.

Once we were all ready, we grabbed a cab and headed to....uh, Chinatown, I think. Or near it, anyway. All I know is, the street garbage was no longer magical to me. Now, it was magically revolting. I almost hurled twice, just walking around. I was so relieved when the guys led us into a bar.

Oh. Right back out again. Apparently, that bar was "dead". Kind of like the fish carcasses again surrounding me in the streets of Chinatown. I think the next bar was called Happy Endings. (I think that's the one with the bar in front and strip club in back???) Surprisingly, it was dead, too. Back outside. We did this about 3 more times until we found a packed place: Piano's. We immediately went upstairs, where there was a dj and a dancefloor.

Although it was too loud to do much talking, we still had a good time, dancing and goofing around. That is, until MJ said, "Uh oh. Those creepy guys are staring at us."

"I know," I replied.

"And we can't make eye contact with them, because then they will come over," she said. I nodded in agreement.

Luckily, Rocky showed up just as we were having this discussion. MJ informed him of our problem. Rocky turns to me and says, "Make out with me."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Just make out with me!" he said.

"Ok," I blurted, surprising myself at how easily I agreed to this idea. (Inner Slut???)

Unfortunately, my mouth made the decision without consulting my brain. My poor brain was caught totally off-guard and so was unable to send the "kiss the guy" command to my mouth. The only command it sent was, "Whaaaaaaa???" So instead of a mildly awkward and spontaneous make-out session between friends, it ended up being an extremely awkward, train wreck of a make-out session between friends. Like, I was 12 again, and didn't know what to do with my tongue. Or his tongue. And all I could manage to do was open my mouth and just sort of.....drool.

Oh. God.

I wanted a re-do, to be perfectly honest. I mean, usually I have a heads up and time to prepare. I swear to God, I know how to kiss! I'm a good kisser! That wasn't me!! That was....oh, God, I don't know what that was. That was possibly my worst, most awkward moment EVER. I was pretty much mortified.

But it worked. The creepy guys left. So, good call on Rocky's part. I guess I just needed a warm up or something.

It was one of those things where you'd give ANYTHING for it to be your little secret. But it's impossible, because you weren't the only person involved. And your friends saw it go down, too.

I had a hard time looking Rocky in the face for the rest of the trip, actually.

Ugh. Can we move on now? Thanks.

After partying there for a while, we left and went to another bar, next door to Rocky's apartment. MJ went to bed, but the rest of us stayed up and sang our group's unofficial theme song: "Don't Stop Believing" -- by Journey. Then Rocky and his roommate tried to find me a guy. They made some poor guy from Romania (I think?) talk to me. As if my night hadn't been awkward enough. He was cute, though, I gotta say. I think his name was Lothar or something equally unusual. Big, tall blonde guy. Mmmm. I like blondes. After some awkward small talk, he left. I turned to Rocky and his roommate.

"Thanks, guys, but I'm ok right now," I said.

"I'm just trying to help you get laid!" said Rocky.

"If you wanted to help me get some, you should have invited The Magician!" I said.

"Oh, he's in Maine," Rocky informed me.


Soon after that, we all went to bed. We had to be up early the next morning to catch a train. The NYC portion of our vacation was almost over. We were going to Vermont for the weekend, where we'd be meeting up with the rest of The Rat Pack.

Stay tuned, readers. Our next installment will use the following phrases:

"OMG! I'm a girl!"
"The Museum of Circles"
"road trip with Hitler"
"grab your ankles!"

and of course,
"Hey, Ahty, wanna go play some stickbawl?"

MJ, it's all you, girl.


Matilda Jane said...

a-hem... small accuracy corrections:
~we were not drinking coffee when the crack-bum walked by, we were smoking
~from breakfast at Waverly, we went back to the apartment to shower... not to the Empire State Bldg (remember? we walked around like smelly scum because we were starving!)
~from Canal, we WALKED back to the apartment... those were some long blocks after walking all day!
~yes, that is our table at Tio Pepe's... and did I mention that I did not want to go there (I've been... a couple times), but didn't want to be a wet blanket? (the ONE TIME I wish I hadn't kept my mouth shut!)
~you forgot to mention that I was sitting IN BETWEEN you and Rocky during this makeout session... meaning, it happened ON ME!

Oh boy! I can't wait to write the next part!!!

Virginia Belle said...

OH! SEE??? you should be writing these. your memory is MUCH better than mine. you are absolutely correct on all of those.

(sorry. i guess i smoked too much pot in college....)

i THOUGHT you didn't want to go there. i was trying to be accurate in my post. dur. :p

yeah, i wish you'd spoken up, too. the food was good, just not enough of it.

i would have walked back to little italy for more of that tortellini.

but that's just me.

sorry we made out on you. :D

lenfercestlesautres said...

They had almost no experience with sex toy/porn stores AT. ALL.

Seriously? lol. All those guys who are browsing through the porn flicks and turning bright red when a woman enters the shop must be somewhere, right?

teahouse said...

You had a spontaneous makeout session with friend? Hahahahaha.

That grabbing ankles thing sounds really freaky, but yet I can't stop visualizing it.

kimmykins13 said...

NYC can be both wonderful and weird. The second time I ever went I flew in to LaGuardia and took a shuttle to The Plaza. I was meeting a friend who was flying in from another city and her flight was coming in a couple of hours later. I checked into the Hotel and decided to walk to Carnegie Deli for their famous 5th Avenue Pie while I waited for her. It was November and bitterly cold so I was wrapped up in my full lenghth wool coat and lined leather boots feeling snug as a bug when I passed this kid sitting in the street, not more than 8-9 years old in nothing more than a garbage bag with holes punched through for his arms and a tin can in front of him. It was bizarre. I got to the Deli ordered my pie, took two bites out of it and told them to wrap it up. I just couldn't eat it after that. He was probably a decoy for his cracked out mother - I realize this but, the Homeless, Really disturbing.

On the lighter side - CUTE BAG!!!

Phantom Hater said...

You should probably add a "grabbing your ankles" blog tag to this post. You're bound to use it again at some point, although perhaps in a different context. ;)

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